Issue 2.

2 Edited and Created by Kepler Rotheisler and Forrest Aretz Photos by Kepler Rotheisler Web Transfer by Michael Kaufman

Putting the fun back in the fundamentals of shoddy journalism

The Score
The Official Newsletter of the CBHK 09/05/2013

Sweeps Week!
The dust of the draft party is still settling, and a season of ball hockey has begun. I know because I woke up on Monday morning with bruises and scrapes all over my body, feeling like I had spent the previous day drinking tall boys and protesting in favor of gay rights in Moscow. Its good to be back. Since this is week one, lets jump right in. We have a couple of new writers for you this week, as well as the return of some classics. I was going to talk about the beginning of a new season, but Griz summed it up better than I could have, all while making even less sense. His article is on the next page. As always, send thoughts, articles, and love letters to thescorecbhk@gmail.com. Have a good week, everyone. -Kepler Rotheisler
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@Dadboner Tweet of the Week

me an hour to walk home this mornin'. Then got to work and slept on a cool dirt pile. Bean Tooth kept callin' me, "Mr. Natural."
Took

Bad Ass Dudes From History By John Knibloe

Sprit of the Week 1, Ramblings By Chris The Griz Lostracco
The first week has come and gone, crazy bunch of feelings felt: who's gonna draft me? I don't wanna wrassle Basco, who the fuck picked the ten am game?, who the fuck picked the noon game?, the two game? the four game? the six game?, never enough time to recover, so excited to be playing, nervous about your performance, worried about your conditioning level, holy shit this game has gotten way too intense, can I keep up with these people? Am I gonna embarrass myself? No of course not! I'm gonna break some hearthrobs or maybe flacitate some fighting cocks, dangle some dudes, then eat some knibs, naw naw i love those guys, when the hell is gametime anyway? why does my body hurt so much? THERE'S A SECOND GAME? beer. It's kind like waking up on Monday after a long weekend, browsing some porn and finding a video with a starlet that greatly resembles your attractive co-worker except she's Italian (bada-bing), so it's on in the work bathroom, and it's extra exciting because of the degree of closeness of this interaction, like you could actually wheel this fantasy after the right work dinner, and it's goood, she's the best money can buy, she does everything right, but holy shit it's six thirty five already?! How many times did you hit snooze? You still gotta shower, send out e-mails, prepare for shitty Monday morning meeting, no no back to business, the hair, the eyes, too late, no full release. Shit. Shave.Subway. Now you're walking into the office irritable as fuck and a little embarrassed because of the events that transpired earlier in the morning, then you see that coworker, butterflies surface, fuck it, "Sorry about this morning" you say. She smiles. She expects more out of you tomorrow. So ya. Game on.
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A bad back kept him out of the army. And even though he was on the Harvard Swim Team, it took a war for the navy to agree to take him. 1943 Part of the Allies plan to secure Guadalcanal from the Japanese was sending PT boats to harass Japanese positions. For the layman: PTs are 80 foot long boats with torpedos that run around fucking shit up. They were sent out en masse and shot torpedoes at Japanese destroyers. Our man was on one of these boats, PT-109. It was a moonless night around New Georgia and the pudding Islands. No moon, no light, and no engine to noise. PT-109 collided going 40 knots (70 Km/h) with a million-ton Japanese Destroyer traveling at about 23 knots (43 km/h). Torpedos on the ship exploded, and several sailors died outright. Our dude, with a life jacket strap in his mouth, was thrown into the Pacific ocean barely conscious and badly injured. He managed to recover his senses enough to realize his shipmate, a 225 lb. American, was barely treading water next to him. With a slipped disk in his back, he swam over 5 kilometers to the safety of a small, uninhabited island. The island had no food, no water, so he swam another 4km to an island where he found coconuts and water. The two men hid from Japanese Patrols and carved SOS messages into coconuts and threw them into the sea. Miraculously, 6 days later an American ship came looking for the two sailors. Oh yeah, our dudes name was John F. Kennedy.

First Block Block 1 saw the return of the leagues prodigal MVP, Scott McDougall who decided to quit ball hockey to try and dominate a sport which he showed great potential at back in the 70s when he was a high school freshmen: synchronized swimming. In game one, McDougall scored the first goal of the season and it was a thing of beauty, blowng by Suonamini captain Jon Knibloe and then prancing past league all-star Brad Turner before cutting in and roofing it, causing his entire Daejeon Synchronized Swimming Club, who had come to watch the game, to break into wild applause while holding up their score cards. He received 9.3 for technical merit and 9.8 for artistic impression. While the Madbombers would go on to win the first game 5-2. The second game was a much tighter affair with the Suonimininamos jumping out to a 2 goal lead before the Madbombers stormed back with 3 straight goals led by cantankerous league vet, Jon Rabiroff. With the goalie pulled for an extra attacker, Suonamini center, Tyler Beatty got greasy and potted one to send the game to OT, but in the end, the sychro fans were cheering again as Scotty scored the sudden death winner while executing an eggbeater style maneuver with a 7.8 degree of difficulty. -Robert Gibson Third Block What looked like on paper a match between high powered offence vs. stingy defense did not disappoint. Game 1 saw a combination of errant clappers, charging goalies and baseball players pretending to be hockey players. It had it all, including a Ewing garbage goal with under 2 minutes left to take game 1, 3 to 2. When not-quite-sober spectators thought the game could not get any more super-duper-rific, they were dumbfounded to find Ewing camouflage himself as a member of Beer O'Clock by wearing the same jersey as in game 1, and was given a gift in front of the net from a certain country club member early in game 2. This, along with dirty D from Kevin "hack the bone" Eisler and solid goaltending from Jeff "this is my natural hair colour" Lumsdon, proved too much as Sam Ryans steamrolled to a 5 to 1 victory. -Taylor McCarey Fifth Block The prime-time 4PM game slot featured two new captains, as Disco Backdoor Stew lead his RMT Fighting Cocks against Fo-Money and his Hollywood Heartthrobs. Lots of familiar faces in this matchup, but it was a goalie named Andrew Barger who stole the show. A fresh-faced rookie with a give-em hell attitude and a ton of gumption, Barger fought off shots from JHam, Grillanda, and Mosca, not to mention the frequent SHUTOUT chants, to earn a SHUTOUT in his first start in the CBHK. Reunited and it feels so good, Jamie Brooks and Scott Lumsdon each popped two goals for the Cocks; add in a goal from Glen Langman, and the Cocks cruised to a 5-0 win. Game 2 was a tighter affair. Barger let in his first goal, scored by Fighting Cocks' founder Peter Mosca, but that was it for goals by Hollywoods for the day. Rookie Christian Theissen blasted home a slapper, Brooks and Langman each scored one, and RMT took game 2, score 3-1. -Dan McMunigal 4

Second Block
The B&B Juice Monkey's faced off against JR Pub Warriors in a game filled with penalties and bitching. It was great. First game, several high sticking and interference calls led to the 3-2 victory that saw JR's bombarding B&B's goalie Cory Pettit with 32 shots. All 3 JR goals came from 1st round draft pick Taylor McCarey. Second game, same story. With plenty of high sticking and interference calls, the new dynamic were a couple punches to the face in front of the net. Again with all 3 goals from JR's Pub coming from Taylor McCarey, he proved to be an unstoppable force as JR's rolled for another 3-2 victory over The Juice Monkeys. With 7 penalties on the day, B&B is going to have to stay out of the box to get the wins. With 6 goals in his first day out, who is going to stop McCarey and with such a close game, which team was really dominant? -John Knibloe Sixth Block Week 1 wrapped up with a couple of close games in the 6:00 time slot, featuring captains Mcmunigal and Theopulus. With the new face-off rule in effect, the Kearnsies went head to head in the circle, with Terry going an impressive 13 for 14 (or something like that). In game 1 former champ, Ed Leahey as well as Kyle Massey and Timmy-long-legs Van Der Kooi chipped in a goal each for the dudes. Rookie Bryan Craddock, with a belly full of vegemite, picked up his first CBHK point with a delicious Apple. However, it would not be enough for European allstar and first star of week 1 of CBHK, Jesper, who slotted 4 goals, carrying his team to their first win. Game 2 was another close game, with this season's first overtime. For the dudes,Captain- Lieutenant Dan stepped up, slotting his first goal of the season. Will Kearnes, despite struggling with face-offs, also picked up his first of the season. Former captain, Shank the tank, displayed some serious hand-eye on one of his two goals of the game, swatting a bouncing ball to beat Pierre and force the game to overtime. On the side of the Rum Runners, FIRST OVERALL PICK, Piovo picked up 4 points in the game with a pair of Gs and As. Terry Kearns was not to be bested by his Dude-counterpart, contributing a pair of goals himself. Overtime. One word: Jesper -Coops

Fo Money makes his triumphant return! The Score presents

On the Rink

Fo $'s $tuds

1. Jesper: Its been a while since weve seen a performance like that from a rookie. The guy seemed to take over the game every time he took a shift. The Dane popped 5Gs and chipped in 3As for good measure. Two of the goals were game winners, as he led Phillies to two wins. I pity the teams that play Phillies when they have JHawk and Jesper overlapping. $ 2. Barger: How about a sick goalie performance? The rookie tender for the Cocks stepped onto the rink and shut Hollywoods down. He pitched a shutout in game one and let in 1 in game two for a 0.5 GAA after week one. Keep it up. $ 3. 3. Taylor: Double hat trick. I dont really have to say much else. The turn-around, backhand straight to top cheese from the slot gave every man watching a semi and every lady swooned. $

Off the Rink

1. Cuteness Battle: Cams daughter vs Ewing/Kates puppymy heart says the human should win, but my gut tells me people are tiring of other peoples babies. You dont see a tiny sleepy puppy like that everyday. Its gotta be a really close match. VOTE, VOTE, VOTE! $ 2. Girls: Is it just me or did it seem like every guy was showing up with 2 or 3 girls? It used to be guys didnt wanna bring ladies out to the rink cuz it was man time. Now we are getting flooded, and I gotta say, I like it. Of course, I may just as well go the other way on this one next week. Its a flexible policy cuz I like girls, but I like time with just the bros too. I guess Im just bi.partisan. $ 3. Family Reunion: Ill beat the shit outta the dead horse. Starting the new season in the CBHK is like a fucking awesome family reunion. There are so many people that you havent seen in a while: friends, loved ones, people you may not like but are still part of the family, new people in the family that will become friends. Lets drink some beer, goal judge, and yell shit!! Looks like we got a No-No goin already ^^ $

Drunk Heroes of Sports History: An Inspiration to Us All

By Matt Flemming
It's not known who first discovered the joys of combining the playing of sports with the drinking of alcohol. But he was, no doubt, a brilliant man. Every Sunday the CBHK is the embodiment of this winning combination. Each week in this space, I will profile an athlete who has achieved athletic greatness while still managing to knock back a few dozen drinky-poos now and then. This will not be a space for sad stories -- high-functioning alcoholic sports heroes only. Sports Illustrated once wrote of major league pitcher David Wells, "David Wells is fat ... his fingers and toes, ears and nose, forehead and chin(s) are fat." The article never mentions whether Wells could lick his own nipples like D-Bell. We're only left to wonder. On the cover of that issue was an image of Wells mid-pitch with his belly hanging out. The headline read: "The David Wells Diet: Chips, Beer, and American League batters." This is sports journalism at its finest, no doubt about that -- but also true. His was a belly that would truly frighten, offend and likely topple the ajummas learning to ride a bike at Jamsil Sports Complex every Sunday. But Wells was a one of the best pitchers in the majors in the late '90s. He put up a career record of 239157, was on two World Series teams and won an ALCS MVP. He also pitched until he was 44, quite obviously without the help of performance enhancing drugs. But most impressive in the career of David Wells were the events of the weekend of May 16-17, 1998. On Saturday night, Wells got loaded with the cast of Saturday Night Live, which at the time included the likes of Will Ferrell, Norm MacDonald and Tracy Morgan. The party lasted well into Sunday, when he was scheduled to start against the Minnesota Twins. Wells came to the ballpark with a raging hangover and pitched the 15th perfect game in MLB history, racking up 11 strikeouts. Said Wells in his autobiography: "As of this writing, 15 men in the history of organized baseball have ever thrown a perfect game. Only one of those men did it half-drunk, with bloodshot eyes, monster breath and a raging, skull-rattling hangover. That would be me." Truly an inspiration to us all. Drunk Sports Hero Rating: 5/5 Beers

Steals of the Draft By Robert Gibson

Much too the relief of everyone, there were no jawdroppingly bad bonehead picks in the early rounds of this seasons draft. However, there were some huge steals of Datsyukian proportions. Sure this was probably the deepest draft since we the spring season draft of 2009, but how in the hell did so many good players get skipped over and why? Steal #1: Scott Slummy Lumsdon went to RMT late in the 3rd. Last year he was a first rounder. In fact, hes almost always been a 1st or 2nd rounder and last season he tied his career best for goals with 32 and finished one point under his career best for points with 55. He was 8th in scoring for Cripes sake! How the hell did he drop all the way to the end of the fuckin 3rd round? Even if you factor in the unprecedented goalie run (10 goalies picked from late 2nd to early 4th) he still should have gone late 2nd at worst. The antiginger backlash doesnt figure in it because Turner, Staton, and Barger all went earlier or a few picks later. Regardless of the reasons, Lummy was a steal for RMT. Steal #2: Andrew Angry Bourque went to Yaletown in the fourth round. He is super talented both as a forward or a dman. Talk to the hockey guys and theyll all tell you that, skillwise, he is a late second rounder. So what happened here? Unfortunately, last season his rep took a big hit playing with Yaletown and how he handled it and this seasons captains were apprehensive to take him because of it. Luckily for the Madbombers, McDougall pushed Ohayon to take Bourque in the round 4 and its hard to see things getting so bad that Ohayon and Bourque end up with their fingers around each others throats this season. He is going to make them a tough team to play against when they have their full roster playing together. Steal #3: Mosca went to Hollywood in the 5th round. In seasons when he hasnt been a captain, hes always been a 2nd or early 3rd rounder depending on the rookie talent. This season there was a lot of rookie talent, but to see Harris and Shank go ahead of him was surprising. Steal #4: Zack Wilson went to JRs in the 5th. Say what you want about the way he is always yelling for passes or the length of his shifts - the guy is a smart playmaker and consistently puts up the big numbers, plus hes been working out and slimmed down considerably, so will probably do even more damage this season. It was very strange to see Theophilus pass him over and pick Kearnes, especially when you consider how well he played with JHawk the last time they played together. Will this be the season those fuckers in the cunt-ry club finally acknowledge his talent? Steal #5: Chad Boudreau went in the 9th for the second straight season. Although he deserved his rep as a flake for the first few seasons he played, last spring he was the consummate teammate, only missing a couple of weeks, playing hard and playing wherever Shank asked him to play center, wing and d. He is also a great guy to hang out with at the rink and, most importantly, a smart and strong hockey player. Considering all of this, I believe he was the best steal of the draft. I love about a lot of the other guys who went before Bouds did, but cant understand how captains kept passing him over. Steal #6: Cory Pettit went in round 10 which is really fucked up for how good he is both as a goalie, forward, or defenseman. Even given his somewhat eccentric character, he should still only be docked a couple of rounds and go in the late 8th or early 9th. Steal 7: Jon Rabs when in the last round for the second straight season. Yes, hes doesnt have blazing speed. Yes, he can be grumpy at times. But he still has hockey smarts and, when put with the right players, he can contribute offensively. Getting down to the last three rounds, I wont name names, but there were quite a few in the second last round and even some in the third that should have gone after Rabs, not in front of him.

CBHK Playlist with Terry Kearnes

http://grooveshark.com/#!/playlist/CBHK+Fall+2 013+Week+1+Don+t+Follow+Leaders+Watch+ Your+Parking+Meters/90091874

CBHK Playlist Week 1 - Don't Follow Leaders, Watch Your Parking Meters Due to poor family planning in accordance with the CBHK schedule, I was unable to captain this season. I am straight up bitter. I wish I could have joined into the poker game that was the off-season of talking about who you would draft and who you wouldn't go near. Instead, I was relegated to doctor's appointments and ultrasounds. So to sooth this bitterness, the first playlist is dedicated to our 'glorious' leaders. Screw you guys and the fun you get to have whilst I change diapers. In no particular order here lies the list - the songs, I believe, speak for themselves: McMunny - American Idiot - Green Day Vaz - Vasoline - Stone Temple Pilots Ray - Dedicated Follower of Fashion - The Kinks Fo - Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis - Tom Waits Knibs - More Cigarettes - The Replacements Stew - Ode to Sad Disco - Mark Lanegan Jonny O - At 17 - Janis Ian Cam - Handjobs for the Holidays Doran - What Happened? - Sublime Dave - I Love My Dog - Cat Stevens

-Interview conducted by Ian Pollard

MEMORABLE CBHK HOCKEY MOMENTS by Cory Pettit

With all the drinking, partying and other escapades that take place amongst league members it might be hard to remember that there is some actual hockey being played at Jamsil every Sunday. The hockey moments probably don't rival the offrink moments for entertainment, but every now and then there have been some amazing plays and results on the rink. Here are some of my most memorable hockey moments over the past 10 seasons. 1. The first fight takes place in the 2009 spring season between friends Ed Leahey and Scott Brady. 2. Mike McCollum controlling almost every game from his defensive position for 3 seasons. 3. The 1st place Thunder, easily the best team in the 2012 spring season and one of the best regular season teams ever, go down in the 1st round to a Red Army team that won only 1 game all season. 4. The top 4 seeds going down in the first round of the 2012 spring playoffs. 5. The 1st place Chill are upset by the first ever 9th placed team B&B in the 2013 spring playoffs. 6. Kristy Pippy's goal in the 2013 spring playoffs against one of the best goalies ever in our league. 7. The Groove defeat Expat Living in a 3 game playoff series, despite never having led in the series until there was less than 10 minutes left in game #3 in the first round of the 2010 spring playoffs. 8. Goalie Melissa John carries superstars John Hawkins and Brett Roberts to the 2010 spring title. 9. In the 2009 spring season Justin Betteridge and Adam Bencze collide at full speed in the center of the rink. 10. The 2010 fall playoffs see the Spartans lose in the finals to the Expats, led by Sean Green who was unbeatable. The Spartans became the first team to be labeled with the phrase meltdown. 11. After holding the single season assist record for 6 seasons Peter Mosca loses his record to Scott McDougall in the 2012 spring season. 12. Jonny Iliffe, Scott McDougall and Jon Meinzinger become the highest scoring line in history during the 2012 spring season. John Hawkins who owned the top 3 places for most points in a single season sees both Iliffe and McDougall pass him. 13. John Hawkins the only player to score 50 goals in a season (2X), has never lost a scoring title and has won the league championship every time he has played. 14. Watching Colin Gennoe consistently diving all over the place for 7 seasons. 15. Around Seoul dominates the regular season, but are unable to score in the playoffs and go down in flames in the 2010 spring playoffs.
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Rookie Ramblings By Scott Pearson

Greetings and salutations! For those of you who dont know me, my name is Scott Pearson. I am a rookie and a dope dealer to the stars with a crippling fear of horses. I have been contacted by the lovely folks at this fine periodical and asked to give my rookie opinion and first impressions of the league, both on and off the rink. Here are my observations after week one: 1.) On the draft partyJesus Christ, fellas. There hasnt been a higher concentration of drunk, sweaty, butt-touchin white guys in one place since the last Cherwinski family reunion. I personally watched a group of a half dozen beautiful female specimens walk in for about 12 seconds before walking out muttering, I swore JRs was a bar, not a gay bathhouse. Then again, who needs women when you have 130+ dudes constantly on your dick, right J-Hawk? 2.) On Country Club BullshitIm sorry to those of you who are undoubtedly going to get extra butthurt after reading this, but its time to stir the pot a bit, boys. It was quite apparent within my first few minutes of joining the website that you are all a bunch of whiney pussies. That being said, I have slowly begun to notice that there is a dominant hierarchy that controls the ins and outs of everyday organization like some sort of hockey Illuminati. But frankly, Im fine with that. You know what really brought down the Native Americans? Fuck a small pox blanket, it was the age-old adage from Sun Tzus The Art of War, Too many chiefs, not enough Indians. I fully realize that I possess a very limited experience here, and with this many guys in the league there are bound to be heads that butt. But being respectful is the key to gaining respect, and acting like adults when we have differences is the key to being treated like adults. 3.) On the caliber of playMan, do you inebriated retards get real when it comes time to play. I was just positively tickled to see that this league is taken more seriously than any of the jobs anyone actually gets paid to work during the rest of the week. People told me it gets intense, but I had no idea. Watching Basco storm off to the penalty box cursing out everyone in his path like a tiny Italian Christian Bale completely turned me off to the idea of ever reffing in this league, and completely turned me on to the prospect of angry midget porn. Just a bunch of bloody, garbage-covered midgets yelling about how everything is bullshit while fucking each other with Fischer Prices My First Twig sized sticks. Thats a thing, right?

Scotty P. Season Predictions

RMT- Though helmed by a solid core of players, local panty moistener Christen Theissen will manage to injure his entire teams front line in a multiple season ending friendly fire ricochet nut shot. Final Record: 2-22

proper playoff beard and quit giving a shit. Final Record 0-24 Bull and Barrel- We for sure have the best team on paper. Didnt you guys just get swept? On paper, I said. (This is an actual rinkside quote and the only thing I have not completely fabricated in this entire article) Final Record: 0-24

JRs The only other points they will accrue this season are Red Army- THEY GOT A NO- N0 GOIN! (A no-no being from when they tie Sam Ryans after saying fuck some No wins-No way did they lose that many fucking games.) hockey and just making out with each other for two 45- Final Record 0-24 minute sessions. Final Record: 2-20-2 Hollywood- Living proof that even beautiful people shit the Yaletown- Blinding their opponents with the shittiest jerseys bed. Final Record: 0-24 in the league will only work for so long. First round playoff Knibloes Southern Fried Mouthful of Talentless Hacks- The name chum, no doubt about it. Final Record: 2-22 says it all. Final Record: 0-24 Sam Ryans- Mimicking each and every sexual encounter of Rays life, a promising start will lead to an abysmally Final Takeaway disappointing finish. Final Record: 2-22 You are all a bunch of loud, arrogant, smelly, drunk, gravy-sweating, sack-tickling, Gibby-fuckers, and I Phillies- Nope. Blew their load in the opening weekend after couldnt be more honored to be a new member of this The Mysterious Jesperini blew his load all over Dillingers amazing community. Thank you all so fucking much for Dudes. Final Record: 2-22 letting me be a part of this, and please dont Chris Simon me on Sunday, guys. Dillingers- McMuns foppish good looks and youthful -Scotty P. enthusiasm with propel his team to an astonishing -276 goal differential after they realize he will never be able to grow a -Scotty P. 10

Once again, The Score and the Phillies basement Podcast are teaming up to bring you a caption contest, courtesy of podcaster Andrei Cherwinski. Simply send your caption to thescorecbhk@gmail.com, philliesbasementpodcast@gmail.com, or just tell us on the CBHK.org forum. Winner gets a beer!

THE SCORE/PHILLIES BASEMENT PODCAST CAPTION CONTEST

Last Weeks Results

Head over to the CBHK.org forum to see last weeks submissions. This weeks winner: Mr. Sean Doran Basco looks hot. Why doesn't he turn on the fan?

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Finis.
Like always, send articles to thescorecbhk@gmail.com. Remember we always need more writers, so come see editors Forrest Aretz and Kepler Rotheisler at the rink, or just send us an email. K.

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