The Inevitable Doom of the Nesbitt By Ross Langdon Page

2013 Ross Langdon Page

rosslangdonpage@gmail.com

INT. SPACESHIP - THE NESBITT - IN SPACE Captain Mack, Pilot Gunroy, and Gunner Flint are all aboard their spaceship The Nesbitt when a shock jolts the bridge of the ship. MACK Gunroy, what in blazes was that? GUNROY It appears a shot has been fired at us Captain! FLINT From where? We scanned the galaxy and there were no other vessels in this parsec! GUNROY Space Pirates, Flint. I believe they were using a cloaking device. Im working on neuro-scan right now to configure the exact location based on the gamma rays from the blast. MACK No that will take too long! GUNROY I beg your pardon miss, butMACK (cont) My grandma lives all the way on the other side of Sector Four! GUNROY (flatly) ...gamma rays. The gamma ray from the shot fired on us should emit a trail of neoru-sparks, hence the neuro scan... MACK Relax, I was joking about my grandma. (beat) Shes dead. FLINT Oh boy.

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GUNROY Im sorry about your dead grandmother Captain but all this time arguing has weakened the neuro-spark to undetectable levels. Well have to go full visual. MACK Oh, now you want to see a picture of Gam Gam? GUNROY No, I just want to figure outMACK cuts him off and pulls out a photo from her jacket pocket and leans over to show it to GUNROY. MACK Look, this was taken at the funeral. GUNROY (peering around MACK) Captain please get out of the way I cant see! MACK (looking at photo) Thats me with Gam Gams arm around my shoulder. The coroner said if it fell off I could keep it! FLINT He what?? MACK Just kidding! FLINT Thank the stars... MACK It was already separated from her body. You wouldnt believe how clean a space bats bite is! FLINT Your grandma died from a space bite attack? MACK Well, really it was her who attacked them...

3. An alarm sounds on the ship. GUNROY I hate to cut the autopsy short but weve got a bogey on our six and hes coming in fast. Flint, man the gunners station, and quick! FLINT (jumping up) Will do! MACK What should I do? GUNROY (turning in disbelief) YOURE THE CAPTAIN!! MACK ...soooo.... what then? Wanna hear a story? GUNROY Unless its another obituary, about a space pirate, then no, I dont want to hear a story. MACK Okay, sheesh, Ill go make coffe then. GUNROY Dont make coffee! Stay and help me keep a visual on this guy! MACK Or girl. GUNROY What? MACK Why do you automatically assume its a boy? GUNROY Have you ever seen a girl space pirate? FLINT (over the intercom) Only in my dreams. Should I open fire up here?

4. There is an awkward silence as GUNROY and MACK both stare at the intercom. GUNROY looks up at MACK. GUNROY Well?? MACK (snapping out of it) Oh, right, sorry I was just thinking about.. She giggles. MACK (cont) Oh, nevermind, you had to be there. GUNROY Goddammit, YES FLINT open fire! FLINT Aye aye! MACK Aye aye? Whos the pirate here, am I right? Can you believe this guy?? GUNROY Seriously Captain this is no time for jokes... MACK Well sorrrryyyy Professor Paddy Wagon. GUNROY What? MACK (in a horrible British accent) Too right on the bobby squad, no jokes allowed mister mean man! Another alarm goes off. MACK Whats that? GUNROY Were losing our deflector shield. Were gonna need to throw power from the life service stations to keep us alive.

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MACK (sing-songy) Ironic! GUNROY ...yeah. Well, Flint is busy trying to shoot that sucker out of orbit, think you can manage a bit of elementary engineering? MACK Please Lark, trains are SO last millennium. I can drive it, piece of pie. GUNROY Im not even sure what to correct first... Ill start with the fact that none of this has anything to do with trains at all. I just need you to hit a few switches, okay? I can guide you over the intercom. MACK Ooh, this will be fun! Well be gossipping like a group of giggly girls in a gaggle! GUNROY A gaggle? Are we geese? No, were not. JUST GO TO THE DAMN ENGINE ROOM! MACK sticks her tongue out at GUNROY and walks to the back of The Nesbitt. GUNROY hits the intercom switch. GUNROY Flint, how we lookin back there? FLINT Ive managed to keep him dodging so far, he hasnt had a clear shot at us yet! How long until we can find some cover? GUNROY Not for a while, closest system is a few hundred parsecs away, maybe even a thousand. FLINT So its all up to me then?

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GUNROY (smiling) Hit him dead center like we used to back home. FLINT Only then it was with... MACK (cutting in via intercom) GIRLS BUTTS, am I right?? FLINT Aw, what the hell, you ruined our space cowboy moment! MACK I was just trying to be one of the guys! GUNROY How many times have I told you, youll never be "one of the guys." Mostly because you try way too hard. FLINT Yeah, no guy ever uses the term "jiggle butts." I dont care how jiggly a booty may be, we NEVER say that. MACK Fine, fine, point taken. So what do I do with this button who-sa whats it? GUNROY Its the power converter. The third blue button from the left. MACK One.. two... three... four... five... GUNROY THIRD button. The THIRD button. MACK (cont) Six... seven... eight...

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FLINT For god sakes woman its the THIRD button! MACK Nine... GUNROY Uh oh. MACK Ten! This one right? FLINT (desperately) NO CAPTAIN DONT PUSH THAT ONE! GUNROY (yelling) FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY DONT DO WHAT I THINK YOURE ABOUT TOMACK (calmly) Relax guys, Im not gonna push the tenth button. FLINT Phew, jeezum crim shaws Captain you had us scared there. MACK Im gonna push ALL OF THEM AT ONCE! GUNROY AND FLINT NOOOOO!!!!! The Nesbitt explodes in a giant fireball and the ship that had been tailing them shoots through the flames. CUT TO: INT. SPACEMAN SPORGS SPACESHIP - SPACE SPORG is eating chips and watching everything on a tv screen in his ship. He throws up his hands which scatters chips everywhere around the cockpit. SPORG That was hilarious! THE END