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Red Green's Beginner's Guide To Women
Red Green's Beginner's Guide To Women
Red Green's Beginner's Guide To Women
B E G I N N E RS G U I D E TO
WOMEN
( F O R M E N W H O D O N T R E A D I N S T R U C T I O N S )
Red Green
Doubleday Canada
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C818'.5402
C2013-902636-3
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INTRODUCTION
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their mistakes so you can avoid them. These people are from all
walks of life and many different geographical locations and are
even fictitious when necessary. So what youre looking at here is
a research booka collection of experiences and theories that
will hopefully help you to understand and cohabitate with your
significant otherthe most important person in your world
even when shes not in the room.
Red Green
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ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
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efore we get too far into this thing I think we need to deal
with the question of why is it important for us men to
understand women. Is it really all that essential, or is it just a
cheesy excuse for me to write another book and get a big, fat
advance? No, its not. And it wouldnt have been, even if I did
get a big, fat advance.
You are programmed to cohabitate, and unless youre a masochist, youd like that to be a pleasant lifelong experience. You as
a man need to curry favour with at least one woman, and to do
that, you have to be able to anticipate her every need and want.
And to do that, you need to understand her.
So as you go through this frustrating quest to once and for all
understand that woman in your life, lets not for one moment
forget that if you ever get it right, she will be the greatest thing
that ever happened to you. And conversely, if you continue to get
it wrong, she will make your life a living hell.
Its a long, arduous route with many pitfalls, but you must
always keep your eyes on the prize. And never give up.
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m not even going to bother with the ages from birth to puberty.
Girls are easy to understand during that phase. Theyre basically boys that you dont ever hit or swear at. Puberty is the
game changer. All of a sudden, thirteen years into what has
been a pretty good gig, youre suddenly exchanging your high
voice for body hair and becoming a deodorant customer and
growing like the national debt. Some things that have been
hanging around for years suddenly start working. And Im not
talking about your Uncle Bob.
And no matter how tall you are, there seems to be almost no
distance between your brain and your genitals. Nor is it always
clear whos in charge of who.
This is the beginning of the challenge to be a man. Youre
having racy thoughts and wild fantasies, and the girls you played
hide and seek with last week have no interest in playing hide the
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cannoli this week. This is where the two genders take different
forks in the road. Boys get muscles. Girls get hormones.
And so it begins.
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So I guess its only natural that people would use the Internet
to find a partner. You can find your past on the ancestry sites,
so maybe you can find your future on the dating sites. And in
many ways its much safer than actual dating. You can stay
anonymous as long as you want. You can be thousands of miles
away from the other person. And if you do find someone interesting, you can do a background check while youre reading
their email.
But I just want you to be careful about what youre doing. You
could be playing with virtual fire. I think some of the appeal of
Internet dating is that people think its another innovation in the
recent string of computer technological breakthroughs. And
sometimes when something is new, people will be drawn to it for
its newness rather than its value.
Maybe the technology of being able to send instant messages
and videos to people all over the world is new, but the concept
of getting romantically involved with someone youve never
met goes back to biblical times. Back in those days it was called
arranged marriages, and maybe the principals werent
involved, but if you let your dad use your laptop, history may
repeat itself.
In more recent centuries weve had mail-order brides, where
some lonely guy whod been rejected by everyone in his own
country would write a letter to a woman in the Far East who was
looking to relocate to the Far West, and if she was agreeable, he
would FedEx her to the nearest port of entry. Sure it took longer
because of the letters going back and forth, but that gave each of
them more time to reconsider.
But think about this: youre each on a path that will lead you
to a person who has been passed over by every person they, and
their mother, have ever met. The Internet is quicker, but that
doesnt mean its better. And even with all the information available, you still know less about the person than you dont know
about the person.
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You may think they have language skills from their emails, but
they could be using spell check and auto-grammar. They may send
a picture so you know what they look like, but even I can go through
a thousand pictures of myself and find one that looks okay. Even
though it doesnt look like me. Which is why it looks okay. Even a
short video of them can be deceiving. You give him a couple of
thousand takes and even Sly Stallone comes off as an actor.
What you get on the Internet is a very produced, edited, airbrushed, polished version of the person. Youre not seeing the
real thing. Youre not going to know if she has hairy hands or
eats with her mouth open. Dont get fooled by the brochure. You
want to do a little test drive before you sign on the dotted line.
Im not saying the Internet is a bad way to meet women. Im
just saying you should lower your expectations or youre going to
be disappointed. A friend of mine who tried it said he heard back
from hundreds of women and his conclusion was the odds are
good but the goods are odd.
ith any luck, you will know early on if you are heterosexual.
Once thats established, you will want to begin your quest to
find a lifemate or, failing that, a weekend shack-up. In either case,
no woman of the opposite sex is going to be attracted to you until
she at least notices you. You have to get her attention. And that
can be a tough challenge.
Stinky P. told me about the first girl he tried to impress. She
had a backyard pool, so Stinky ran into the yard next door and
screamed Geronimo! as he vaulted over the fence and did a
fully extended bellyflop into her swimming pool. Unfortunately,
he assumed shed be home and watching. He also assumed thered
be water in the pool.
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Moose T. had a party trick that all the guys liked, so he tried
that to get noticed. He would eat a hearty meal of pickled vege
tables and carbonated beverages and, after about an hour of
abdominal exercises and resource management, was able to pass
wind in a way that allowed him to perform the entire Canadian
national anthem, including one verse in French.
But however you plan to get a girls attention, make sure you
focus on her reaction to see how its going. If Moose had only
noticed the look of shock and disgust on the girls face, he could
have cut the performance right after our home and native land,
but instead he just kept blasting away with his eyes closed until
the concert was violently terminated by someone trying to light a
scented candle. But thats the kind of thing you do when youre
thirteen. And when youre Moose.
What both of these guys failed to realize is that they had
reached the point in their lives when they were looking at what
society calls negative options. Thats because their reference
level was a bunch of other guys like themselves. There was
nobody in that group that could give them the slightest hint of
what these girls would find interesting or amusing. The sad truth
is that what most thirteen-year-old boys find entertaining, most
thirteen-year-old girls find repulsive.
So instead of trying to impress girls with what you say or what
you do, which we all know is a long shot at best, I suggest you
appeal to their mercy. You can claim to be having trouble with a
certain school subject and ask them to help you with your homework. You may think youll have to pretend youre stupid, but it
may not be necessary.
Another surefire way to get a girls attention is to hurt yourself
badly in front of her and then act like youre fine. Coming down
a flight of cement stairs while straddling the crossbar of your
bike oughta do it. Her natural nursing instincts will kick in and
you will have her undivided attention at least until you regain
consciousness.
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You cant wear the same clothes today that you wore
yesterday, even if they smell sort of okay.
If a piece of cheese has mould on it or teeth marks
from a mouse, you have to throw the whole thing away
rather than just hack off the bad part.
Its not okay to have a stain on your clothes, even if
its dry.
If you only do the laundry once a week, you need seven
pairs of underwear.
Your hair should be clean enough that people can see
the individual strands.
You may have heard that girls are attracted by the
smell of pheromones in a boys sweat, but its better if
you never meet those girls.
Torn jeans are only cool if the holes are in the right
places.
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Purchase a copy of
Red Greens
Beginners Guide to Women
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Published by
Doubleday Canada