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Topic: Adaptation of a Fairy Tale Ron Campbell

soarfeat@gmail.com

THE EXPERIMENT

SETTING:
A Laboratory

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Dr Klar
Rip Van Winkle
Doris Van Winkle

(Lights come up on DR. KLAR, who is busy checking things on a clip board. He
wears a lab coat.)

DR. KLAR

Van Winkle! Come in here. I want you to see something.

Damn kid. Never around when I need him. Here we are on the brink of an
amazing breakthrough and that good for nothing assistant of mine is probably
doodling away his time in the cafeteria, day dreaming his life away when he
should be in here, with me, as we count down to our grand experiment!

(Rip enters in a rumpled lab coat, perhaps he has some flowers in his hair.)

RIP

Sorry Dr. Klar. I was just testing the torque calibrations on Chrono- Destabilizer
Three.
I noticed a small time wrinkle discrepancy but it looks like it was just a
momentary glitch in the moment suspension inter face.
I just dropped in an extra phase shifter into the quantum vault and that seemed to
fix it.

DR. KLAR

Chrono Destabilizer Three is only a triple redundancy fail safe. You know that.
Listen. We’ve checked every continuum drive from top to bottom. Our factosis
ratios are perfect. We’re ready.
I want to talk to you about scheduling a launch.

RIP

A Launch? But that’s impossible. We’re not ready. What about the nano filament
time wire? Without that the subject would be flung into ”limbiotic soup” as you
always say.
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DR.KLAR

We got some.

RIP

What? You got some nano filament time cord? Why didn’t you tell me?

DR. KLAR

I wanted it to be a surprise.

RIP

But don’t you know this is what I have been waiting for? This moment? I have so
many questions.
When did it come? Is it a dual follicle or a single? Does it fit onto the dyno spool?

DR.KLAR

Yes, yes it all fit perfectly. It came this afternoon and I installed it myself. I’ve
braided in the binary counter. She’s good to go. That’s why I wanted to talk to
you about scheduling a launch

RIP

But the nano filament is going to work, right? Our calculations were correct?

DR.KLAR

Down to the giga-second.

RIP

And it’s a reputable company?

DR.KLAR

Rapunzel Industries is known throughout the kingdom for it’s nano filaments, Rip.

RIP

It’s just all so sudden.

DR.KLAR

We’ve been working on this for years. So I think the time has come to schedule a
launch.
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RIP

But how? We haven’t even selected a subject. There is screening and mental
profiling and endurance training and all the rest of it. Come on, doctor. You know
as well as I do the subject can’t be just anybody.

DR.KLAR

Exactly. There is only one person who qualifies to be the subject of this grand
experiment.
You.

RIP

Me? But I’m just a common man, a lowly tinker toiling in the shadows of
ignominy. Not an Intrepid voyager into the trackless vastness of uncharted eons.
First of all, I don’t think I could withstand the mental strain.

DR.KLAR

Of course you can. In fact, your years of vacant daydreaming and vague,
shiftless loitering were the exact kind of training needed for this mission.
As you know, in order to survive the time slip, the subject must achieve and
maintain a deep vegetative state REM cycle throughout the experiment.

RIP
That’s true-

DR.KLAR

And I have personally seen you space out for hours on end in the cafeteria
contemplating the tensile properties of a twisty straw. I’m constantly finding you
gazing idly off in the distance, a dandelion dangling from your lip, in a state of
stagnant meditation. These are the exact qualities necessary for the subject to
make this experiment a success.
RIP

But are you sure? What about the anti-butterfly effect boots? They probably won’t
fit me.

DR.KLAR

I took the liberty of making a tracing of your feet when you were dozing barefoot
one afternoon in the rec room. Nine and a half, extra wide.
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RIP

I don’t know what to say, I’m stunned.

DR.KLAR

Just say you’re ready to make a small step for man and one giant barefoot leap
for mankind.

RIP

But when? When do we schedule a launch?

DR.KLAR

Tonight.

RIP

Tonight? I can’t.

DR.KLAR

Why not?

RIP

My wife. She wants me to be home early. Her scrap-booking group meets tonight
and she wants me to have some hors d’ ourves prepared. Plus it’s trash night.

DR.KLAR

But you are on the brink of one of the greatest achievements in the history of
mankind. Surely she can understand.

RIP

You don’t know my wife. Youngest of the Hubbard family. Had to fight for
everything as a kid. Slept on a worn out gel sole. Jostled over scraps with odor
eaters. She had it tough. And she doesn’t like it when I stay late at work.

DR.KLAR

We’ll just make a brief exploratory test then. You’ll be home in time to cut plenty
of carrot and celery sticks.
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RIP
How long were you thinking of calibrating the Chrono Destabilizer?

DR.KLAR

A very brief test, Van Winkle. Three seconds.

RIP

Three seconds? But that’s hardly long enough to get an accurate reading. What if
the nanno follicle lifeline snaps in the tension? I could lose contact with the time
grid.
DR.KLAR

We never thought there wouldn’t be risks.

RIP

I should probably run it by her. I’ll just give her a call.

(he takes out his cell phone- sees the time)

Oh Lord. Look at the time. I’m already late. I was supposed to pick up the dry
cleaning since I forgot to at lunch and then stop at the market and pick up some
tiger balm so I can rub her elbows tonight after the scrap booking. Plus she said I
have to clean out my old boxes of comic books out of the garage or she’ll dump
‘em. Nope. It looks like the experiment will have to wait.

DR.KLAR

Van Winkle, you’ve been working on this project on and off for so many years.
Your whole life has gone by. Due to your lackadaisical nature, you have drawn
this out to the breaking point. Finally all the pieces are assembled. We’ve
checked and re checked. Tonight is our moment. Face it, Van Winkle. You’re not
getting any younger.

RIP

I just don’t know… The little woman-

DR.KLAR

You’ve used that excuse long enough. For once in your life just do something!
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RIP
(A decision.)

Alright doctor. I will.

DR.KLAR

Thatta boy! Put on the anti butterfly effect boots and I’ll power up the proto
equilibrium time wave impeller.

(They begin some elaborate button and switch clicking procedure.)

RIP
We’re really doing this aren’t we?

DR.KLAR

Correction: You’re doing it. I’m just working the dials. You’re the one doing the
traveling. And tonight you’re going to see what it’s like… three seconds in the
future.

RIP

Now you’ve got me excited. What will our world be like three seconds in the
future, What strange customs will we have adopted in the time that has passed
during those three long seconds? I can hardly wait to see the world that awaits
me.

DR.KLAR

Remember Rip. You must remain calm. Your tendency to gaze listlessly at
nothing in particular for long durations is the only thing that can save you from
defragmentation on your re-synching. But don’t worry. I will be in constant
communication via the nanno follicles. Prepare yourself.

(DR. KLAR takes out two tin cans. They are attached to each other with a string.
RIP puts on some fuzzy boots. There is lots of elaborate turning of dials and
moving of levers. RIP takes a “Ready” position stage right. DR. KLAR is Stage
Left. They each hold a can.)

DR. KLAR

I’ve set the synchrometer for three seconds. Prepare for time skip initiation
phase. Good luck, Rip. God be with you.
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RIP

Thank you doctor. I could never have done this without you. I’m releasing the
Vacu-latch on the time port. All systems go.

DR.KLAR

Time skip initiation phase completed. Calm your mind, Rip. Commence time walk
on your go. Slow and steady, boy. This is it.

RIP

(RIP takes a few tentative steps. Speaks into the can.)

So far so good. I’ve crossed the one second mark. You should see this, Doctor.
It’s beautiful. What are these things floating around me? They look like…
dandelions.
DR.KLAR

That’s just protoplasmic time detritus burning away. Nothing to be concerned

about. Keep going, son, you’re almost there.

RIP

Reaching two second mark. Alpha waves still below normal. I think I’m going to
make it.
DR.KLAR

Stay calm, Van Winkle. Remember to breathe. Heartbeat monitor at 60 kb.

RIP

I’ve made it. Do you hear me? I’m at T plus 3 seconds. It’s hard to believe I’m
actually standing three seconds in the future!

DR.KLAR

Keep calm, Rip. Your vitals are spiking toward non somnambulant levels.
Wait- someone is coming down the hallway- Hold on-

(Enter DORIS, RIP’s wife.)

DORIS

What is wrong with you people? I was ringing the bell for ten minutes. Don’t you
people ever answer the door? Where’s Rip? He was supposed to be home half
an hour ago. We have guests! I need Rip to get home and make the beds in the
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guest room. Where is he?

DR.KLAR

I’m sorry Mrs. Van Winkle. Rip is in the middle of a rather involving experiment.
He can’t-

DORIS
Another one of his stupid experiments. Ridiculous. What is it this time? Magic
growing beans? Or spinning straw into gold? I don’t know why I married that
shiftless lazy tinkering idiot in the first place.

(She looks around the lab.)

Where is he?
DR. KLAR

He’s on the end of this nanno filament, Mrs. Van Winkle. Three seconds in the
future.

DORIS

What! But We have company! My scrap booking group meets tonight. He knows
that.
DR. KLAR

Well scrap booking will have to wait. Your husband is embarked on a journey into
the future.

DORIS

Three seconds in the future? Well tell him to come back. This instant.

DR. KLAR

It’s not that easy, Mrs. Van Winkle. He’s currently balanced on a single thread of
the fabric of space time. To suddenly yank him back now would risk complete
scattering of his corporeal body. He’d simply melt into limbionic soup.

DORIS

I don’t care if he comes back a big bowl of boulliabaise, we have company

coming over! I need him to make some nice vegetable crudités !
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DR.KLAR

I’ll try hailing him via the nanno follicle but I warn you: don’t over excite him. He
needs to keep his REM cycle down to a minimum or he will implode upon
resynching.
(He talks into the can.)
Van Winkle? Do you read me?

RIP

Yes Doctor, loud and clear.

(RIP has a beatific smile on his face.)

You can’t believe what I’m seeing out here. It’s beautiful. Everything is so…
advanced.

DR. KLAR

Rip, Your wife is here. She wants you to come home.

RIP

Now? But I’m on the brink of a major discovery. I’m witnessing what the world will
be like… three seconds from now.

(DORIS grabs the can from DR. KLAR and yells into it.)

DORIS

And I’ll give you three seconds to get your skinny ass back here before I come
over there and pull you by the ear all the way to the present! Now get over here
this instant. And don’t think I didn’t notice that you didn’t sort the recycling before
you went to work today, you lazy good for nothing-

DR. KLAR

Mrs. Van Winkle! Be careful. The slightest fluctuations in his alpha waves could
endanger his mooring on the time fabric. I suggest-

DORIS

You suggest nothing. Rip you little pipsqueak, get back here before I yank you
back. My mother warned me against you, you no-good rotten-
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(But during this, RIP has taken out a pair of scissors. He calmly cuts the string
connecting the two cans.)

DORIS

Hello? Don’t you dare hang up on me you lousy stinking little- It went dead.

(DR.KLAR takes the can. He reels in the string. Examines the frayed end.)

DR. KLAR

Van Winkle?…He’s gone.

DORIS

What do you mean “He’s gone.” He’s got work to do.

DR. KLAR

He’s gone. The nanno filament somehow got severed. He will for ever more be
doomed to float listlessly in the folds of the time weave…
Of course he will never age, never feel hunger, never be tied to any schedule for
he will be forever more suspended like a single grain of sand in an hour glass.
Free to do exactly as he pleases.

DORIS

But we have Company!

(During this, RIP has quietly slipped off his boots and stretched out with a beatific
smile on his face. He reclines happily and mimes picking a dandelion.

RIP

A dandelion. I guess I’ll make a wish…

(He blows on the imaginary flower.)

BLACKOUT

END OF PLAY