"THE GANG GETS FURRY"

Written by Caroline Kaplan

Caroline Kaplan 191 Barnard Rd New Rochelle, NY 10801 9149602866

ACT ONE 1:00 PM MAC (O.S.) (sneezes) Dee, can you get that thing the hell out of here? On A Saturday DENNIS (O.S.) Seriously, its monstrous. Philadelphia, PA INT. PADDYS MAIN ROOM- DAY Dee, Mac and Dennis are sitting drinking beers as a really fat cat in a bright green vest walks up and down the bar. DEE No way, you bitches are looking at the new face for Paddys. MAC What the hell are you talking about? DEE Thats right dickholes. Frank says hes getting a new mascot today and little Meow Ze Dong here is finally going to put Paddys on the map. And with the image of him cradled in these babies (holding up her hands with red painted finger nails) I can finally get my hand modeling career off the ground. DENNIS That is the most idiotic thing Ive ever heard. What would possibly make you think we would ever make the new face of Paddys some cat you named after a Chinese dictator? MAC Yeah, let alone those crab claws you call hands.

2. Charlie enters in his green man suit, minus the face mask. CHARLIE Ayooo, Dee what the hell is that, it looks ridiculous. He takes a beer and struggles to open it without opposable thumbs because of the costume. DENNIS Oh not you too with this shit. CHARLIE What? We need a new face for Paddys man. DENNIS The only way Paddys is going to get noticed is if we have someone attractive to represent us. Ive been saying for years guyss ugliness has been bringing down the bar, and theres no shot in hell were gonna be represented by green man or some monstrous ball of fur. Frank opens the door and limps in, tugging on a rope from outside. FRANK (wheezing from tugging the rope) Got the new mascot. We hear a growl as Frank pulls a drugged out tiger into the room. Credits The Gang Gets Furry INT. PADDYS MAIN ROOM- DAY The tiger walks up and down in its cage as the gang eyes it warily. DEE Frank where the hell did you even get that?

3. FRANK I bought it. Met some guy under the bridge who was selling it, I got a great deal, and he even threw in a shit load of these horse tranquilizers along with it. CHARLIE When did you go under the bridge without me? FRANK Last night, I couldnt sleep andCHARLIE And what you just didnt think to wake me? You think I wouldntve wanted to go under the bridge and get free horse tranquilizers? You promised me! You promised green man could do this! Charlie breaks a beer bottle over the counter in frustration and the tiger growls. DENNIS (eyeing the tiger warily) Lets all just calm down and focus on whats really important here. This is bad ass. This is gonna have girls dropping their panties all over this barCHARLIE Oh yeah, like thats not gonna be a hassle to clean upDENNIS - and we need to go out and market the shit out of it. FRANK Good thinking, Dennis consider yourself promoted, your the new head of marketing. DENNIS I like the sound of that. MAC Yeah, and you know I do agree with you about all the hot chicks this is gonna pull, because we all know how much chicks love danger. (MORE)

4. MAC (CONT'D) But they also need to feel safe, which is where Ill come in, because the fear alone at having this thing eat them alive will send them running to the only thing thats there for protection, our dicks. He and Dennis high five. FRANK Right, Mac youre the new head of security. DEE Pshh head of security, well all be more afraid that hell eat us than that tiger. MAC Dee I would never eat you! Itd be like trying to choke down the skeleton of some bird species that went extinct because it was too hideous to attract a mate. DENNIS Hes got a point Dee, I mean I dont even think that thing (gesturing to the tiger) would go near you if it was starving to death. FRANK Great, well thats settled then, Dee you can look after the tiger. DEE No way am I gonna care for a giant wild animal that you bought under a bridge. FRANK Fine, your fired. Charlie, your in charge of taking care of it. CHARLIE Okay, you know I feel like I could get on board with this Ive always wanted to have a pet...

5. DENNIS Right, well Mac and I are gonna go get the word out, make some flyers, give them out to some hot chicks, so Frank well be needing that credit cardDEE Well hold on a second, you cant just fire me! FRANK Look Deeandra you know I love you and its nothing personal but youre just too useless to keep around any more. DEE Thats ridiculous, I do so much around here! FRANK Name one thing youve done in the past month to earn money for the bar. DEE (long pause as she stutters) I- well there was that thing where I- and- wellINT. BAR- NIGHT Dee is using a stick to push open cans of cat food into the tigers cage as it growls at her. The bar is actually very crowded and loud, most of the patrons are dressed in half or full animal costumes, Mac and Dennis are surveying them. MAC Wow bro, it looks like these flyers you made actually worked! He holds up one of the flyers that Dennis made which is a picture of a tigers head photo shopped over a hot girls body and a hot girls head photo shopped over a tigers body with Dennis smiling creepily with his arms around them. DENNIS I told you man. Chicks go nuts for this shit!

6. RANDOM GIRL (goes to Dennis) Oh my god are you the guy from the flyer? DENNIS Why yes I am. Dennis turns away from Mac to talk to the girl, back to the tigers cage, Charlie goes over to Dee still struggling and is holding up what looks like large green pot holders with shamrocks on them. CHARLIE Dee, check out what I made. Tiger mittens! DEE Charlie I dont give a shit about your stupid inventions this thing has scratched me twice already. CHARLIE Well, once you pop these mittens on itDEE Im not putting mittens on a tiger! Im going to the bathroom to wash this cat food off to get the hell out of here. One of the nearby customers with a painted cat face is hissing furiously at Dees cat and she takes it away. She starts to walk to the bathroom and Charlie follows. DEE (CONTD) And seriously whats the deal with all these costumes? Mac comes over to them. CHARLIE People probably just heard about the mascot auditions Frank was supposed to host today and got all excitedDee opens the bathroom door to find two people dressed in full furry animal costumes banging. MAC Yeah, I dont think these people want to be mascots bro.

7. INT. BACK OFFICE OF PADDYS- NIGHT DEE (horrified) What the hell was that?! MAC Dude Ive heard about this, these people call themselves furries, and they only bang wearing animal costumes. CHARLIE Well thats kinda messed up, I mean Ive always wanted to get a pet shop going here and while this wasnt exactly the way I thought it would turn out, when life gives you lemons, you gotta inhale some keyboard duster. DEE Charlie thats not how that saying goes. CHARLIE What saying? Im talking business 101 here. DEE Never mind, okay were not turning the bar into a place for freaks to bang wearing animal costumes! MAC Thats absolutely what were doing. DEE Im going to find Dennis, once he hears about this hell want to get rid of this thing for sure. MAC Yeah I wouldnt be too sure about that. INT. BAR- NIGHT Dennis is still talking with the same girl, making an elaborate pigeon noise. DENNIS Coo coo. Coo coo.

8. RANDOM GIRL Oh my god that is so hot. Can you do the baby seal again? Dennis starts doing his seal impression when Dee comes over. DEE Dennis youre not going to believe what Charlie and I just sawDENNIS Not now Dee. DEE But I have to tell youDENNIS I said not now! Mac can you please take care of this? RANDOM GIRL (whispers in Denniss ear) I am gonna take that baby seals virginity so hard tonight. MAC You got it bro, Dee why dont you go make yourself useful and put these things Charlie made on the tiger. (holding up the tiger mittens) No way! DEE

MAC Fine, then as head of security Im firing you for being a useless bitch. DEE What, you cant fire me! MAC Frank put us in charge while he goes to get more tranquilizers for this thing, but in the mean time were gonna need you to put these on it in case it breaks free. DEE Theres nothing that would make me go into a cage with that thing.

9. DENNIS Frank told me hes gonna pay you a shit load of money for it. DEE Well how much money, did he specify? I need specifics DennisDENNIS Enough to pay for those solid gold fingernails you havent been able to shut up about. MAC Wait a second, Dee are you still under the delusion that with those bird like talons you could actually make it as a hand model? DEE (holding up her hands) With solid gold on these babies my fingers are gonna be up and around everything in this town. Now give me the goddamn mittens. She takes the mittens from Mac and goes off camera. MAC Did Frank actually say he was gonna pay her? DENNIS God no. But if youll excuse us were gonna head out to go some place a little more quiet. (gesturing to the girl hes with) They exit while Dee attempts to approach the tiger and put on the mitten. DEE Here, kitty kitty. She starts to successfully put one shamrock mitten on the tiger. DEE (CONTD) See your not so bad. Your just a bigger version of a cute little kitten. Thats it, nice and easy-

10. Suddenly the tiger swipes at her hand and it starts spurting blood onto a nearby customer and she starts screaming her head off. Frank comes in through the back. FRANK Jesus christ Deeandra shut the hell up your scaring the customers! She looks at her bloody mangled hand and starts to scream louder. Frank shoots her in the back with a tranquilizer and she goes down. Everyone looks on in shock. Mac drags her body away out the back door. FRANK (CONTD) Nothing to see here folks, just go back to enjoying your drinks. After a couple seconds everyone shrugs and the noise level of talking and drinking resumes. ACT TWO EXT. ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE PADDYS Dennis and the girl are up against the wall. RANDOM GIRL Its mating season you know, and Im gonna devour your head like the preying mantis in heat that I am. DENNIS Youre definitely talking about my dick right? She starts unbuttoning his pants. INT. MACS CAR Mac is driving and Dee starts to stir. DEE (slurring her words) Whats going on? MAC Whats going on is your inability to accomplish the simplest of tasks has forced me to take you to the hospital, we just need to think of a cover story to tell the doctors how this happened.

11. DEE (still slurring) How what happened? MAC You had a little accident earlier with the tiger, but dont worry Ive got your solution right here. He throws a bag of ice at Dee containing the top of her index and forefinger. Seeing it, and noticing the tops of these fingers missing she starts screaming at Mac. MAC (CONTD) Maybe we could say they got stuck in a sewing machine, actually your features are far too manish to look like you could sewDEE Are you shitting me? If you think for one second Im not using this to get rid of that thingMAC Dee, do you have any idea how much extra Frank is paying me as head of security? I mean theres nothing that would stop me from giving that up, especially not some minor injury(gesturing to her bloodied and mangled fingers) DEE Well youre gonna have to because theres no chance Im lying so you can make more money than me! MAC Fine have it your way. DEE Okay, finally you listen to some sense ofMac punches her in the face and knocks her unconscious. INT. BAR- NIGHT Dennis walks in hurriedly holding his crotch in pain, he goes up to Charlie who is working hard on making a sign.

12. DENNIS Okay Charlie we gotta get rid of this thing. CHARLIE Kinda busy here bro. DENNIS What the hell are you making? CHARLIE Its the new sign Im gonna put out front for the pet shop were gonna open. Dennis looks at it and its a bloody claw print from the tiger with the word vet and a box drawn under it written in Dees blood left over from her accident. DENNIS Charlie you put a v there not a p, it just looks like your threatening to murder people along with their pets. CHARLIE People will know what it means. Those letters are basically interchangableDENNIS They most certainly are not- you know what I dont even know why Im having this conversation right now, this thing has attracted some truly sick and twisted individuals and we need to get it out of here immediately. Hes leaning on the bar for support clearly in extreme pain. CHARLIE Hey, bro are you okay, it looks like your dick is bleeding or something. DENNIS Yes, yes Im fine Im just gonna go sit down for a minute, you find Frank so we can rid ourselves of these disgusting people.

13. CHARLIE Alright but if we get rid of this we can still open up the pet shop right? DENNIS Yes, fine what ever. Dennis attempts to walk to the back office but stumbles and leans on Charlie for support, who assists him in walk to the office. CHARLIE You sure youre okay bro? DENNIS Yes Im fineAs they reach the door to the back office they suddenly hear Franks voice calling out from behind the door. FRANK (O.S.) Oh yeah thats right Tom, take it! A hoarse groan is heard in response. Charlie and Dennis exchange quizzical a look. DENNIS (in a lowered voice) Bro do you think Franks banging a dude back there? CHARLIE No way man, I think Id know if the man I share my bed with every night was gay. Dennis gives Charlie a long look. CHARLIE (CONTD) Hes probably just giving something to some guy he owed money to or something. Charlie moves to open the door. DENNIS I wouldnt go in there man... CHARLIE Dude youre being ridiculous-

14. INT. BACK OFFICE - NIGHT Charlie opens the door to find Frank in a mouse costume banging Artemis whos on all fours dressed like a cat. DENNIS Jesus Christ Frank! I could understand you banging dudes but this- this is unacceptable. Frank What? Im getting my sexy on. ARTEMIS And its no longer Frank, he goes by Jerry now. Watching that tantalizing little mouse on TV as a young girl is how I discovered my sexuality. Making me into the titillating seductress you see before you today. She licks her lips at them, still on all fours. Its gross. FRANK Yeah, so why dont you two jerkoffs get out so we can get back to banging. DENNIS Gladly. But as soon as your done here youd better bring that tiger back to where ever it came from because (he winces in pain and leans on the door for support) I refuse to be subjected to any more of these bloodthirsty beasts! ARTEMIS Oh please, compared to the bloody dicks Ive seen thats nothing more than a paper cut. And trust me Ive seen a lot of bloody dicks in my day. FRANK Yeah, and no chance are we getting rid of that tiger. (MORE)

15. FRANK (CONT'D) Also Ill have to cancel that bonus check I gave you cuz apparently theres some fine for keeping a wild animal in the bar, plus these furry costumes were expensive as shit. Frank shuts the door in their face. EXT. BAR- NIGHT The sounds of Artemis and Frank can still be heard behind the door. ARTEMIS (O.S.) Oh yeah thats right Jerry punish me for all Ive done! FRANK (O.S.) Uh, yeah, youve been a bad little pussy cat havent you Tom? ARTEMIS (O.S.) Oh I can assure you Jerry theres nothing little about this pussy. Repulsed Charlie and Dennis retreat to behind the bar. EXT. BAR- NIGHT DENNIS Well Charlie, it looks like weve only got one option left. Agreed. CHARLIE CHARLIE Go put my sign up in front.

DENNIS Weve gotta take out Frank.

DENNIS What? No, why would we ever do that? CHARLIE To start up the pet shop duh. DENNIS Charlie dont you see whats happening here?

16. CHARLIE (long pause as Charlie looks at Dennis blankly) Sorry what? I think I just fell asleep with my eyes open again. DENNIS Do you really think Franks gonna have room for you and a tiger in his life? Hes replacing you with an obese woman dressed as a male cat and a wild beast he got under the bridge without even inviting you. Im only telling you this because I care about you Charlie. CHARLIE Man your messing with my head, Frank wouldnt replace me. Ill just go tell him I want the tiger gone, well have a rational discussion, and thatll be the end of it. As Charlie walks back to the door he overhears Frank and Artemis still going at it. FRANK (O.C.) (wheezing due to exhaustion from banging) Cant believe... I ever considered ... letting Charlie... represent us. ARTEMIS (O.C.) Shut up and give it to me Jerry! I know how you mice like to play. INT. BACK OFFICE OF PADDYS- NIGHT Charlie barges in. CHARLIE (suddenly flipping out) What the hell man you said you loved green man! And after all weve been through together you choose some beast over me?! ARTEMIS (looking from between the two of them) (MORE)

17. ARTEMIS (CONT'D) Okay this just got too weird, Im out of here. She reattaches her very large cat tail and leaves. FRANK No baby dont go! And come on Charlie you know I didnt mean it like thatDennis shoots Frank with a tranquilizer dart from outside the window. Frank looks around his body to try to find the source of what happened. FRANK (CONTD) What the hell was that? Anyways Charlie we talked about this I think your overreacting again. CHARLIE Oh Im over reacting? Your replacing me with a tiger and IM over reacting? Another tranquilizer dart comes wizzing at Frank from the window. FRANK Seriously is there like a bee in here or something? CHARLIE Probably not cuz if there was youd probably be having sex with it! Three more tranquilizer darts come at Frank, and he finally stumbles over. FRANK Charlie you know I loveHe passes out face first on the desk. Dennis walks in. DENNIS Well now that thats been taken care of lets get that thing the hell out of here.

18. INT. MACS CAR- NIGHT Mac is cruising along rocking out to music, Dee is no longer in the passenger seat. Mac pulls up to a Taco Bell drive through. INT.CAR/EXT. TACO BELL DRIVE THROUGH MAC (to the window) Yeah hi can I get 2 gorditas with a side of nachos, extra hot sauce. And can you put chicken as well as the ground beef in the gorditas? INTERCOM VOICE Sure thatll be an extra 99 cents. MAC No prob bro. Suddenly a screaming is heard from the trunk. MAC (CONTD) Goddamn it how is she awake already? Dee shut the hell up Im trying to order! INTERCOM VOICE Would you like a drink with that sir? MAC Yeah Ill take a coke. INTERCOM VOICE Small, medium or large? The screams get louder. MAC Dee so help me god I will throw the tops of your fingers out this car window right now if you dont shut your goddamn mouth! INTERCOM VOICE Sorry sir I didnt catch that, small medium or large?

19. MAC Ill take the large. And actually Id like to make that 2 sides of nachos, might as well have left overs for tomorrow. INTERCOM VOICE Okay thatll be 12.95. Mac pulls around and Dees screams continue to be heard loudly as the person from the drive through window hands him his food. MAC (smiling at the person brightly) Thanks, (over Dees screams) Im just taking my friend to the hospital but she gets really bad motion sickness so I had to put her in the trunk. She continues to scream loudly. MAC (CONTD) Have a nice night buddy! Mac drives off and pulls over to the dumpsters near taco bell and gets out of the car. EXT. A DUMPSTER ALLEY- NIGHT Mac goes to open the trunk to find Dee with her hands and feet tied and duck tape over her mouth, screaming and struggling loudly. MAC Dee, its like your asking me to leave you in the trash. Now Im sorry I had to subdue you but your lack of cooperation left me with no choice, and quite frankly your lucky I even went to the trouble of putting you in the trunk, because your acting like a total bitch. She continues to struggle and scream at him. MAC (CONTD) Now that hand of yours is starting to turn a little blue, and your blood is making a mess back here. (MORE)

20. MAC (CONTD) So I will take off the tape as long as we can talk about this like rational adults. (Dee nods) Mac rips the duck tape off Dees mouth. DEE My hands are turning blue because you tied this rope around them you asshole! Now take me to the goddamn hospital! MAC You know the only way I can do that is ifDEE No chance! Just leave me here and Ill call myself an ambulance. MAC Dee somewhere in this car Ive hidden the tops of your freakishly long fingers, and I think we both know the only way your going to get them back. INT. HOSPITAL WAITING ROOM- NIGHT Dees hand is in an ice bucket while they wait and Mac fills out paper work. MAC Cause of injury? DEE Sewing machine accident. INT. BAR- NIGHT Dennis stands on a chair and yells at the crowded bar. DENNIS Bars closed guys everybody out! People begrudgingly start to leave and Charlie and Dennis survey the tiger critically.

21. DENNIS (CONTD) Now I used the last of those tranquilizers on Frank so were gonna need to put it someplace we dont care about getting destroyed. CHARLIE Yeah, a place people wouldnt normally willingly go to, and maybe someone just like really sad and pathetic lives there whose got like absolutely nothing going for them... INT. DEES APARTMENT LIVING ROOM- DAY The tiger growls at Charlie and Dennis in its cage as Dennis stands eyeing it warily. Charlie keeps attempting to feed it cat food but its not enough. DENNIS I dont think it likes that bro. CHARLIE Of course it does, hes probably just not eating it because he feels bad about not sharing with the other cats. Now Im gonna pop this little guy in here so he can have a friend, He puts one of Dees cats in the cage with the tiger. CHARLIE (CONTD) While I go get some more cat food from the kitchen. Dennis takes a nervous glance at the tiger growling and follows Charlie. INT. DEES KITCHEN- DAY (CONTINOUS) Charlie goes through Dees cupboards while Dennis stands and watches, they are all mostly empty. CHARLIE Shit man, I think were out. He opens a cupboard to find a box of microwavable popcorn. CHARLIE (CONTD) Do you think tigers like popcorn?

22. DENNIS No, I do not think that bloodthirsty beast is going to eat popcorn. CHARLIE Well whatever dude Im starving. He opens the bag and starts eating handfuls of the kernels. DENNIS What the hell are you doing? CHARLIE (with a mouthful of kernels) Um eating popcorn duh. DENNIS Charlie youre supposed to put that in the microwave, how can that possibly taste good to you? CHARLIE What the hell is a microwave? DENNIS You know what, just forget it. Now should we just call animal control for that thing? CHARLIE No way bro dont worry Ive got a plan. DENNIS Well do you wanna fill me in or are we just gonna stay here until that thing eats us? They start walking back into the living room. CHARLIE Look dont you worry about the tiger okay Ive got this totally under control. INT. LIVING ROOM (CONTINUOUS) They see the tiger now viciously eating and tearing apart Dees cat, it bites down hard and the cats blood splatters on Charlies face and shirt.

23. DENNIS Jesus Christ its a cannibal. CHARLIE (as hes wiping blood out of his eyes) Hes just being playful. Now I already set out a series of clues for Frank to come find us. DENNIS Why would you do that? CHARLIE Scavenger hunt bro. DENNIS What? How does that solve the immediate problem of getting rid of this bloodthirsty creature? CHARLIE Well I didnt think that far ahead, Im not God Dennis. DENNIS This is quite possibly the dumbest thing youve ever done! CHARLIE Oh you think your soo much better than me with your micerwaves and your book learning- but if youd get off your high horse youd see that down here in the real world holding this tiger hostage is the only leverage weve got. DENNIS In what universe is it worth it to keep an uncontrollable beast just to hold over somebody? CHARLIE Were not holding it over anyone bro, its leverage. Everyone needs leverage. I really dont see how youre not grasping that. DENNIS Okay Im pretty sure you dont know what that word means.

24. CHARLIE I know what it means bro. DENNIS Dude you definitely dont. CHARLIE You know what man, I dont have to prove anything to you. Why dont you just go get us some more cat food, pick me up a couple of glue sticks and Ill handle the rest. DENNIS Fine, anything to get away from that beast. He leaves and Charlie looks at the tiger with the remnants of Dees cat before it, its mouth bloody. ACT THREE INT. HOSPITAL ROOM- DAY Dee is sitting in a hospital bed as the doctor looks over her chart, Mac is there next to her. DOCTOR (reading the chart) Now you put here that this happened because you could no longer bear the agony of having to look at your crab like pinchers and so you had no choice but to chop off the tops of your two least favorite claws? DEE (to Mac) Oh you dick, youve got to be shitting me! MAC (aside to Dee) I told you the idea of you using a sewing machine was totally implausible. DEE (back to the doctor) I didnt do this to myself, the tops of these (holding up her mangled hands) (MORE)

25. DEE (CONT'D) gorgeous model worthy hands were bitten off because these dickholes are keeping an illegal tiger at our bar. NowAs she is speaking Mac looks around the room and spots an oxygen tank behind her, he gets up and cuts her off by putting the oxygen mask over her mouth and nose from behind, pulling her head back with him in an attempt to knock her out again. She struggles and manages to push him off by elbowing him in the balls. DEE (CONTD) What the hell! DOCTOR Sir what are you doing with that oxygen tank! Looking from Dee to the doctor Mac panics, he punches the doctor in the face (who stays upright with a bloody nose), and runs away. INT. FRANKS OFFICE- DAY Frank wakes up startled (still in mouse costume), he walks out INT. BAR- DAY (CONTINUOUS) To find the tiger missing and Charlies green man suit hanging. He picks up an open can of cat food from the floor and smells it. Charlie. FRANK

EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL Mac is walking rapidly to his car and talking on the phone. INTERCUT WITH MAC EXT. HOSPITAL AND FRANK INT. BAR MAC Frank its over man its all over. FRANK What the hell are you talking about?

26. Macs still rushing away. MAC Theyre after me man, Dees telling them everything right now. I cannot have another run in with the cops, Ive been ignoring the past 7 summons Ive gotten to appear in court. At this point Im pretty sure theyd just put me in jail, and I cant go in there bro. You know how pretty my asshole is! FRANK What the hell were you summoned to go in for so many times? MAC Public urination bro, you know I cant pee indoors FRANK Well it doesnt matter any ways because Charlie and Dennis stole the tiger. Just come meet me in the alley way outside our apartment. Mac is rushing towards his car, which is parked in the emergency zone along with all the ambulances. MAC Why would we meet there? That alleyway is a hotbed for rapists. Frank is eyeing the can of cat food on the counter of the bar. FRANK Charlies leading me there. Its the only way. I need you for backup. Outside the hospital parking lot Mac is peeing on a parked ambulance next to his car, a group of EMTs wheel a sickly old woman on a stretcher into the hospital past him looking at him disgustedly. MAC Bro Im not going to watch Charlie rape you in an alleyway, Im on the run from the law here.

27. FRANK Youll do it if you want to keep your job. Weve got to get the tiger back. MAC Fine but I expect another pay raise for this. FRANK (O.C.) Well we can talk about that laterMAC Im mean it FrankSuddenly an ambulance comes up behind Mac honking, trying to get into the spot his car is parked in. Still peeing Mac signals them to go around, the ambulance continues honking loudly. MAC (CONTD) (shouting at them) Go around asshole! The ambulance continues honking loudly with the sirens going off. AMBULANCE LOUD SPEAKER Move your vehicle immediately! This is a restricted zone! MAC (still on the phone with Frank) Ugh I gotta go some dickwad is claiming they need my spot. Mac hangs up and zips up his pants. MAC (CONTD) (to the ambulance) Alright, alright Im going jeez! He gets into his car and pulls out, hitting the emergency parking sign with his car on the way. EXT. ALLEYWAY OUTSIDE FRANK AND CHARLIES APARTMENT- DAY The alleyway is extremely filthy with dumpsters and cats everywhere mewing loudly. Though it is daytime the alleyway is darkened. Frank is in the dumpster looking for the next clue, during his search he comes across a half eaten sandwich and takes a bite.

28. Mac approaches, trying to avoid all the creepy cats mewing at him. MAC Frank what the hell are you doing in there? FRANK Searching for Charlies next clue. Aha! Got it. He holds up an old pair of jeans. MAC Thats probably just a pair of pants someone threw away. FRANK Oh no, see here, this is 100% boiled denim. Charlie definitely boiled these and left them here. But he wouldnt make it this simple... Frank takes another bite of the half eaten sandwich and looks around the alleyway thoughtfully. MAC Dude can we please get out of here? It reeks. Frank climbs out of the trash. FRANK Youre right, it does smell bad here. He starts sniffing the air and breathing in deeply to waft the scent to his nostrils. The scent leads him to the corner where he spots a carton of eggs. Aha! FRANK (CONTD)

He picks it up and opens the carton to find 3 of the eggs have been boiled eggs with the shells removed. FRANK (CONTD) Charlie definitely left these here for me to find, we always boil our eggs with the denim. Big time saver.

29. MAC (cowering away from the stench) Please throw that away those eggs are horribly rotten. FRANK Not until I find the next clue. He picks up an egg and starts eating it furiously. FRANK (CONTD) (with a mouth full) Not in that one. He picks up another and stuffs it in his mouth as Mac looks on with disgust, then takes out his phone to text while Frank continues to furiously eat the rotten eggs until he gets to the last one. FRANK (CONTD) (with a mouthful) Mac Ive got it. This has got to be the one with the clue inside. That Charlie is one sneaky son of a bitchMAC Yeah, theyre keeping the tiger at Dees apartment Dennis just texted. INT. DEES APARTMENT- DAY Dennis enters to find the place is completely trashed, all three of Dees cats lay bloodied and mangled around the tiger who is out of the cage and eating the stuffing out the couch. Charlie?! DENNIS

CHARLIE (O.S.) (calling from the bathroom) In here bro! INT. DEES BATHROOM- DAY Dennis runs in to find Charlie sitting huddled on the bathroom floor, surrounded by Dees hair spray, Windex, and 2 empty bottles of Robitussin.

30. CHARLIE Did you bring the glue? DENNIS No Charlie I did not bring the glue! What the hell happened? CHARLIE The tiger escaped man, I dont know how it happened, I let him out for one second cuz he seemed really unhappy all caged up you know and the next second he just came at me. He sprays Dees hair spray onto a washcloth and takes a long inhale. DENNIS Jesus Christ you let him out of the cage? Why would you do that? CHARLIE You dont know what its like man, being caged up all the time, you start to see things and you start to hear things and all of a sudden maybe eating a cat doesnt seem like such a bad idea. Shuddering he takes another drag of the hair spray. DENNIS Bro did youMAC (O.S.) (having just entered calling from Dees living room) Ayooo whats up bitches- holy shit! DENNIS (calling to him and still looking nervously at Charlie) Were back here dude! Mac and Frank run into the bathroom. CHARLIE Oh hello Frank. I see youve uncovered my clues.

31. FRANK (cautiously) Hey Charlie, how ya doin there buddy? MAC Dude its a war zone out there what the hell happened? CHARLIE Nothing that wouldntve happened had he not been a backstabbing liar! (pointing at Frank) FRANK Charlie I never lied to youCHARLIE Oh yeah? What happened to forever man? What happened to the promise of never letting anything get in the way of our friendship? And what about green man? I dont see him anywhere! Charlie takes another long, deep inhale from the hair spray/ washcloth. DENNIS Okay well this is all starting to feel a little queerMAC Yeah you two are gay as shit. DENNIS So were just gonna get going... Dennis and Mac start to edge out of the bathroom away from Charlie and Frank whose eyes are locked in an unwavering stare-down. DEE (she enters) Nobodys going anywhere! (calling off screen) Theyre in here officer! One police officer enters, another one is leading the tiger away.

32. DEE (CONTD) Those are the dicks who tried to ruin my hand modeling career after their stolen tiger bit off my hand! She points to them all as she says this. MAC Dee whats up with your fingers? What? DEE

Mac and Dennis look more closely at Dees hand. DENNIS Oh my God, (starts laughing) Dee it appears your fingers are so freakishly long the doctor actually didnt notice they sewed the tops on to the wrong finger. Dees index is noticeably longer than her middle finger it has a somewhat alarming effect. They all look and start laughing hysterically, the police officer included all start taking pictures of Dees deformed fingers with their phones. DENNIS (CONTD) You know with this deformity you might actually get that hand modeling job after all. EXT. A BILLBOARD Its an Ad for a creepy looking plastic hand surgeon wearing red gloves that reads Crab Claws Got You Down? with a picture of Dees deformed hand with fingernails painted red in a claw like position, next to a picture of a crab. The resemblance is uncanny. Call 888-FUN-GERS today to make that hideousness go away! This serves as the background for the Credits.