THERAPY By: Caroline Kaplan (the setting is a therapists office Joanne enters to greet the doctor) JOANNE Hi,

its so great to finally meet you, my friend highly recommended you because of how much you helped her when she was going through that divorce When I told her about how over whelmed I was feeling she suggested I come see you. At first I was skeptical but eventually after I saw how well she was doing I finally asked for your number and so here I am! THERAPIST Well, its nice to meet you too Joanne (they shake hands) here, have a seat. (gesturing to the couch, she sits across from him so they are facing one another) Now, since this is your first therapy session I just want to let you know that you made the right call in deciding to come talk to someone. Many people out there view those who come to see therapists as weak and pathetic, and sort of just inhuman like creatures pitifully walking around like an empty cage for a small animal that hasnt been cleaned in a while and on the inside its filled with the tiny excrements that are their insignificant problems which have no impact on really anything at all but somehow they cant even manage to clean that, and even when you look at the person themselves they just look sort of broken and pathetic almost like an ugly dwarf with a partially severed leg and rotting teeth and half their finger nails are covered in fungus, but I just want to let you know, I dont see you that way. Right well, thanks I guess. JOANNE

THERAPIST Of course, of course, now, tell me about your life, you mentioned you were feeling overwhelmed? JOANNE Yeah, I mean with everything I have to deal with, its so stressful and there are some days I just feel like I cant even do it anymore. THERAPIST Do what exactly? What is it that contributes the most to your stress on a daily basis? JOANNE Well, definitely my children are a huge factor. I have two sons ages 7 and 9 and all they ever want to do is watch TV or play video games, and I try so hard but I can 1

never get them to clean their rooms and its not like I dont love them or anything, I really do, I mean Josh, hes got his fathers eyes and my chin and hes just one of the cutest things youve ever seen and Jakie, hes really a sweet kid with the most gorgeous blond hair and the most adorable dimples, but they just wont listen to me! And Ive tried punishing them for misbehaving but nothing I do ever sticks. Its really starting to drive me crazy. THERAPIST Mmhmm, mhmm, (makes a note on his pad) Now tell me, when exactly was it that you first realized you wanted to rape your children? What?! Never! JOANNE

THERAPIST (making more notes and mutters to himself what hes writing) Lacks self awareness I do not lack self-awareness! JOANNE

THERAPIST Oh Im sorry I wasnt talking to you, there are 2 conversations that go on in this office, one with you and me and one with me and my clip board, and this (gesturing to him and is clipboard) is one you are not apart of. (continues to write while muttering to himself again) seems to like to meddling in other peoples affairs JOANNE Okay seriously? I can hear everything your saying! THERAPIST Ah, now see this is the portion of the therapy sessions where after admitting to something your perhaps a little ashamed of you try to make up for it by demonstrating a valuable quality you have, which I suppose in this case is hyper sensitive hearing. And if thats the best quality you can come up with, well it seems we may have some serious self esteem issues well have to deal with later. But for right now, lets focus on the issue at hand. Which is, you frequently get the urge to rape your children. I do not! JOANNE

THERAPIST Look, this is a safe place, ok. And feeling that impulse is completely natural but youve just got to fight it, like fighting the impulse to get that extra scoop of ice cream when you know you dont need the calories, or fighting the urge to masturbate after reading about a mass casualty in the paper. These are the daily struggles everybody goes through. JOANNE Look, I can assure you, Ive never even thought about doing that to my children. THERAPIST Oh so you dont even think about it you just go right ahead and do it? (starts scribbling more and muttering to himself as he writes) Doesnt give thought to actions, (looks at her questioningly) mildly retarded? I am not! JOANNE

THERAPIST Right. Well, Im going to tell you about some ways to cope with these urges your feeling. (suddenly the phone rings) Oh dear, Im so sorry thats the line I give out to patients for emergencies, Ive got to take this. (picks it up and answers) Hello? (pause and laughs) Oh Jim you old stick in the mud. (pause) No, Jim, weve been through this, youve been my patient for the past 5 years and I thought I made you see, you have so much to live for. What about your carrier pigeon, Ryan? We both had such good times with him, I loved receiving your checks from him and curling up your bill into a tiny roll of paper to fit into his little claws and recently I even managed to fit a jolly rancher in there along with it for him to bring you! (pause) Oh, he choked on it, well thats a shame. But still thats no reason to kill yourself! I mean what about your cactuses? Who will take care of them? (pause) Well yes I suppose technically they dont need watering, but Jim, the miracle of life is all around us! You need to get off that ledge right now so we can talk about this in person. (pause) Jim, youre one of my oldest patients and3

(pause) No Im not calling you old old (pause) Yes I know how sensitive you are about your age, what I meant was youve been with me for the longest time out of all my patients and I really care about you! You just cant give up now you have so much left to live for! You need to get off that ledge and come over here right now so we can have an emergency session and talk face to face. (pause) Alright then. (hangs up with satisfaction, pauses, and turns back to Joanne) Sorry about that, where were we? JOANNE (very concerned (and has been looking on with concern the whole time), starts to get up to leave and stands to where the therapist is) Oh my god, should I leave, is he coming over? Or do you have to go to him? THERAPIST (startled to see her standing so close to him) What? Oh, no we can continue. But is he gonna be okay? Yeah, no, he jumped. What?! He just committed suicide? Yeah, circle of life and all that. JOANNE THERAPIST JOANNE THERAPIST But, but, (suddenly glances down at his pants because they are still standing at close proximity) Oh my god! What is that? Do you have seriously have an erection right now? THERAPIST I apologize this is very unprofessional, but as soon as you said the word suicide it just kinda snuck up on me. JOANNE Ugh! 4 JOANNE

THERAPIST Look, Joanne were here to talk about you and your impulses, not mine. Why dont you have a seat and I can talk you through some coping mechanisms. JOANNE For the last time, Ive never thought about or had an urge to rape my children! THERAPIST We all handle denial in different ways, and you seem to be taking the straight forward approach. Thats fine, but what your going through really isnt that uncommon. If you havent done it yet, youre going to soon, and Im here to help you prevent this. A recent survey taken of people like you showed that the best ways to relieve all that urge to rape related stress are yoga, table tennis, and scientology. Im never coming here again. JOANNE

THERAPIST If you really dont want me as your therapist thats fine, I accept that. But you do need to get help, and I would really recommend joining my church of scientology, because its all about helping people understand each other by understanding themselves. And I know that may sound a little vague but what that really means is its a place that helps you to not want to rape your children. JOANNE Youre not getting paid for this session. (she exits) THE END