The TNP Wire

The Best Darn Regional Newspaper You Ever Ding Dang Saw, Jimmy
0 Cents a Pop Issue 1 NOVEMBER 2013 EDITION Published by the TNP Ministry of Communications

Ill-Prepared Communications Ministry Scrambles to Put Together November Edition of Wire

"We pretty much screwed ourselves trying to make this," say staff.

by Shyro, Small Worthless Correspondent and Definitely not Iro, the Best Minister of Communications this region's ever had. COMMUNICATIONS BUILDING, MAGICALITY CITY - You may think you've seen it all, folks. You might have seen Attorney Generals never touch a single bill, Court Justice elections result in a tie between an amazing civil servant and a member of the Regressive Party, Speakers gone insane with bureaucracy, and Lennart appointed as a Minister. (BOOM! Lennart slam! No official is safe.) But we here at the Wire guarantee you have never seen what's been happening in the past few weeks- besides the events listed above that happened in the past few weeks- and once exposed to the public it will shock you out of your mind. Ladies and Gentlemen, we here at the Wire have first-hand accounts of a power-crazy Iro running around doing everything he can to get a long-dead publication out by Friday . Our reporters have the whole account, exclusive to the Wire, which is in fact the long-dead publication that was resurrected for no reason other than public approval. "It was horrible," said an anonymous correspondent that was unreasonably put on a front page article despite the fact that he had never written professionally before. "He put us into a cage with only a keyboard and a hamster's water bottle, and if we weren't producing fast enough he told us that we had an aneurysm even though he didn't have access to out medical files." When asked about the quality of articles written with a force-feeding style, Iro had no comment. However, he jumped at the chance to comment about the fledgling Ministry's need for staff. Widening his eyes, he panted, "do you want a job? I'll give you a job, oh, yes. And I'll put it on the rooftops, and make you the king of the world, woohoo! Don't you want to be the king? Right. I'll put your stuff in every paper I've got, just COME WORK FOR ME." (cont'd, page 2)

Minister Iro screams at a foreign dignitary when she refuses to fill space in the Wire by writing a column - FILE PHOTO

The TNP Wire: November 2013

Comms Ministry Scrambles (from p. 1)

The news conference was then cut short as reporters were forced to evacuate when Iro attempted to recruit them by producing a giant vacuum cleaner. "I don't understand," said an anonymous source who met us in the Comms Ministry with Iro's haircut and building clearance badge pinned to his coat. "The Wire is such an amazing publication, and Iro's such a dynamite leader. Why would he want people that would be paid so greatly for a fulfilling, amazing job?" Some speculated that Iro's 'sudden change in sanity' was due to a large transition from the breezy Syndicated Press private news industry, where you could publish whenever and whatever you wanted, to a government publication where other people could fire you. The makers of these speculations, however, were quickly the recipients of Iro's ministry-offered three assassinations. Whatever the story- HELP ME! I'M BEING HELD IN A BASEMENT- OEIJROISNjksdvdsk98woi*(&(3uiw the Wire continues to inspire. Keep reading, folks, from a happy reporter here at the North Pacific Ministry of Communications. :D

THE WORST OF THE RMB Lennart

"I think it's weird that we eat all kinds of different colored food, but it all comes out one color usually. 0.o" Democratic Donkeys "I see that Google is celebrating Yosemite. Bit of a sick joke, huh?" -C Chaplin "I am 3621st in the region for highest drug use. I don't have much drugs." Pkj See a funny RMB post? TG it to DTNP. "Geeze, can't those Nazi get banned?" Kumogawa "There's a frickin' ant party on my keyboard. Go away, ants." -HOJFTL "The mere mention of The Drittes Reich causes fear to ripple through entire nations." -CyberNazi

continues couping spree

Culture Minister Lennart of Avalon continued to threaten the region Tuesday when he amassed more endorsements than the Vice Delegate himself. Security Council officials were stunned when a tipster secretly sent in a warning by posting publicly in the Security Council forums. The Wire has learned that the tipster was Lennart himself. "Rubbing it in our faces that he's this close to couping the region? Now, that's just not nice," said a senile SC clerk. "It would be more courteous of that young man to quietly overtake all of our Security Council officials, never telling a soul until it was too late and he'd beaten the Delegate." Officials were further worried when McMasterdonia made a public statement that he could not prevent the oncoming disaster, saying that he had "ejected and banned" the offender from the North Pacific. "AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed paranoid onlookers. "McM CAN'T DO A THING! WE'RE DOOMED! LENNART IS COMING! PROTECT YOUR LOVED ONES!" More disturbing was the fact that psychologists agreed that Lennart had a bloodthirsty profile and was ready to do gruesome things to get the title. He had no sense of shame, not one ounce of dignity, and he even went so far to say that "I'm not comfortable with [the] red colour I got on the [SC] list." Look out, TNP!

from the disgruntled and biased staff at the TNP Wire

A Smaller Headline
Shalom, friends, and congratulations upon making it to the second page of the new TNP Wire. As I begin my reign of terror, I want to establish a few things. First, for the new folks to TNP, the Wire has and always will be a satire. The first time I encountered the Onion- a popular reallife satire newspaper- a few years ago, I'd somehow heard from a friend offhand that it was a business newspaper. So you can imagine my surprise when the front page revealed that then-Senator Barack Obama had emigrated to China forever. If you somehow didn't catch that from the first page, then I aim to catch it for you here. We at the Comms Ministry are only semi-insane, and we do not cage our friends. Govindia was banned from the region a long time ago. Since I didn't get a chance to say it previously, I owe a great debt of thanks to McMasterdonia and the rest of the Cabinet for believing in me. I won't say it's been easy because I'm a dreamer with a lot of big dreams- dTNP is something that hasn't existed yet, but we're chugging along. And it might take my whole term, but I want the Wire up to its former glory, and preferably better. And I can't wait to get us there together. And I satired my desperation for staff in the previous article, but I really would love it if you'd help. These are big

Your Letter from the Editor

endeavors and I want a big group of friends to complete them with me. So if you've got graphics skills or a knack for satire, try me. Everyone's got talents, and TNP wants yours. Sorry for the reference. So enjoy the Wire, folks! Many people worked to make this a thing, but I can't thank them all because I'm out of space. Thanks for reading! Iro

The TNP Wire: November 2013

Voting in November Judicial Elections? Brought to you by the

PROMOTE ANARCHY!disgruntled TNP Election

DON'T VOTE! DEM SERIOUS PAGES

for dem serious people ON the OCTOBER JUDICIAL ELECTION
by ImperialHouseofToms
My applause goes to the Justice election for the downright insecurity it has sewn into the entire process for me. Gracius Maximus has clearly been pulling a "little engine that thought he might have enough piety to ride out an election on" campaign, and has been disappointed as a result. Steadfast conviction and loyalty to ideals as tight as Thanos' spandex is good on days when it's not so hot. But, when you're sweating down your ass, suddenly you realize you may need a more loose fitting. Coming across like the stiff board used to whack people during wartime works well when that conflict is in recent memory. But after memories fade, your dry pomp turns to splinters during handshakes. The one thing he has goi n g fo r h i m , o f co u rs e , i s h i s seriousness. At least you get what you pay for with this guy. That's more than I can say for the other leading candidate. You've got the Jabber Jaws platform over here (the avatars work well for these guys, don't they?). Flash- incoherent insanity only works well when, A: you seem crazy like a fox, or B: your endgame doesn't require you actually do stuff. Neither of which Mall has going for him. Yet the shortsightedness of people that prefer to laugh over creating (or even think deeply about the person that might possess) solutions always wins over the mindful folk who decide that laughing like a fool should only be done when your actions don't result in bad decisions that tear down past efforts. Being against something and being for something are two totally different things. And in spite of Mall's half-attempt to suddenly pretend he has seriousness behind his clown show approach, I don't buy the Marcel Duchamp style meaning we all just supposedly have to "get" like an inside joke in order to interpret the greatness of his motives. And I think it's a little late to hope that people won't come looking for an actual framework of operations when the region is cluttered with a buildup of problems that are no longer making them laugh on the message boards.

Commissioners!

ON INFLUENCE
by Delegate McMasterdonia
Game created regions continue to be the most organic and every changing regions in Nationstates. The legitimacy and native "ownership" of the region is completely different to that of User Created regions. We have no founder to protect the region, the only owners of the region are those who are active at the time and have the ability to continue to exercise the wishes of their forum community or chosen system of government upon the region in-game. Some of the recent game changes will affect us significantly. The influence changes present some concerns for regions with democratic governance who wish to continue to protect their region and at the same time allow nations in the region to be relatively free to do as they wish. Putting it simply, it creates more work for us to maintain our security. Regional Officers provide an opportunity to counter this, but if it costs influence and the officers are not retained beyond a Delegate switch, it might not be worthwhile. Some believe that the authority of the in-game Delegate is the only thing to consider where GCR's are concerned. Delegates need to have the authority to exercise the executive power and to lead the regions government. Legitimacy should not be determined based on who the Delegate is alone, but the communities wishes and make up need to be considered to be important as well. For that reason, I don't accept the argument that the in-game authority of the Delegate should be the only test and I have concerns about how much power this influence change will give to Delegates who have been in the chair for 6 months. Is changing influence in Game Created Regions the solution to making gameplay more interesting? As I see it changes like this should be applied across the board. The changes to the census report won't be that significant while UCR regions continue to grow in influence. Instead we will see the old nations of 10ki and Europe at the top of those charts. It is my view that this change will not be much of a boost to gameplay. Regions will just have to be more controlled about influence growth and more cautious with who they elect to be their Delegate. Only time will tell.

The TNP Wire: November 2013