Absorbent Attire My wife walked into a coffee shop on Halloween to find the woman behind the counter with

a bunch of sponges pinned to her uniform. "I'm assuming this is a costume," said my wife. "But what are you supposed to be?" The waitress responded proudly, "I'm selfabsorbed." Rattled by Religion My six-year-old son was excited about his Halloween costume. "I'm going to be the Pope," he said. "Ian, you can't be the Pope," I said. "You're not Catholic. You're Lutheran." Ian hadn't thought about that. So he considered his alternatives. After a few minutes, he asked, "Is Dracula a Lutheran?" In Season Last Halloween a civilian friend had me pick up his son from day care on the way home from my base. Signing him out, I felt something press against my back. I turned to see him painting on my camouflage uniform. "What are you doing?" I cried. "I like your tree costume," the boy replied innocently. "But you need some red and yellow leaves." I've Created a Monster! For Halloween, my grandson wanted to be The Incredible Hulk. Using food coloring and a washcloth, my daughter dyed his hands, face, neck and blond hair the green shade of the TV monster. After his bath the next morning, a faint green tint still remained. As my grandson was going out the door to school, he handed his mother a slip of paper he had forgotten to give her earlier. My daughter quickly opened the note. School pictures were going to be taken that day

Don't Play with Fire As firefighters, we are required to wear our full bunker gear on all safety calls, even to advise homeowners of a county ordinance against burning leaves after dark. Last Halloween, two co-workers waited on the porch of one such offending household, helmets in hand, until a woman finally opened the door. Promptly dropping a candy bar into each helmet, she remarked, You boys are a little old for this sort of thing, arent you? and closed the door. Outfit Over-Easy The last thing my friend Christy was prepared for was an invitation to a costume party. Eight and a half months pregnant, she was in no shape for any conventional costume. Still, she wanted to go, so she painted a big yellow circle on an extra-extra-large white T-shirt, dug a pair of red devil horns out of her kids Halloween junk pile and went as a deviled egg. Tryst or Treat Desperate for a Halloween costume to wear to a party, my 43-year-old daughter had an inspired idea. She put on a slinky black dress, fishnet stockings and balanced a small tabletop on her head. On it was a lamp, a champagne glass and an ashtray with two cigarette butts. She went as a one-night stand. Private Party It was Halloween night when a driver called our roadservice dispatch office complaining that he was locked out of his car. I forwarded the information to a locksmith, along with one more detail: The car was parked at a nudist colony. Of course, the locksmith arrived in record time. But when he called in later, he wasnt amused. Figures, he said. I finally get to go to a nudist colony, and theyre having a costume party!

Trip to Walmart It was mid-October and I was waiting for my wife, Julie, at the checkout at Walmart supermarket in Worcester, Massachusetts, USA, I noticed that someone had left behind their broom. When no one came to claim it, I went outside to search for a couple I remembered seeing at the cashier's desk. I spotted them getting into their truck and hurried over. 'Excuse me,' I said to the young woman, 'but did you by any chance leave your broom inside?' 'No,' she retorted quickly and with a smile, 'we came by truck.' The Halloween Surprise A COUPLE was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the rooms upstairs. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got

into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... The guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!" A Funny Halloween Story A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears: BUMPBUMPBUMP Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him. BUMPBUMPBUMP Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him. BUMPBUMPBUMP He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping. clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP....clappity-BUMP Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping toward him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket and.. The coffin stops.