DIWALI SPECIAL 2013

Government withdraws Diwali ordinance

Bangalore: The Central Government today withdrew a controversial ordinance that allowed tenants and homeowners to claim a specified distance of roadspace outside their houses as their own and assert unlimited, as-frivolous-as-you-wish rights over till the end of fire cracker bursting season. One of the reasons for the objection to the order was that it wasnt specific enough on things like area, duration, better effective handicap of traffic that would pass through these sections of roads and streets that boundary houses. When we asked residents if this would affect their pataki-bursting frenzies, they laughed it off with a hydrogen bomb, which they lit right in the middle of the street, and ran for their lives as it burst shredding any remaining sanity in the area to bits. We dont care, they said, after the triumphant victory over what remained of the peace and silence in the neighbourhood after nights of incessant bombardment. Without waiting to savour their victory, they headed for another assault. The accomplishment must be very fulfilling, or so it would seem. unimportant event saying that China should get off its high horse, get back to the issues of LoAC and Arunachal Pradesh and stop claiming every piece of land they see as theirs, when they feel like it. which is why it took as long to come out. The saving grace, however, is that its coming out at a time when the Government is as wary about China as was the investigator who was dismissed.

Satellites from space notice strange minute patterns on Indian subcontinent during Diwali
Washington DC: NASA has sent strange images their satellites took of the subcontinent. They found really tiny irregular formations in different sections. Their request said that there were strange clear and ragged gaps in what they found to be urban areas. These were barely a few feet apart with the clear gaps, bound on one side by blocks and on the other by a ragged gap blocks, clear and ragged, in that order but with the directions changing. Their perplexing query was the reason for ISROs Dr. K. Radhakrishnan almost immediate direct phone call to NASAs Dr. Ellen Stofan. He informed her, with a hearty laugh, that theirs was more of a civic responsibility (non-)concern than that a space concern. He informed them of the perfect value systems of Indians to maintain their homes so well that they wouldnt dare light crackers during Hindu festival of Diwali even close to their gates, thereby leaving a clear gap between the blocks (their homes) and the ragged gap (the lit fire cracker location and also location of the waste). Dr. Ellen Stofan thanked him profusely for the clarification and said she will shut down the operation to find illegal aliens, which was started on the basis of strange formations they saw. She also encouraged Dr. Radhakrishnan to ask PM Manmohan Singh to inform President Obama about this so he too can celebrate Diwali this year at the White House in a much more Indian style. It was a matter of inter-nation prestige, she said. Dr. Radhakrishnan also invited to her to be a part of the Knowledge Integration Forum which was having a symposium on the impact of society in, on from and through science. He made it clear to her, and congratulated her, that now her endeavours had taken sociological angles.

Sivakasis surprising shutdown during official visit

Sivakasi: In really surprising news, the whole town of Sivakasi was shut down when they got wind of an official visit. Officials from the State Government made an unplanned visit to the town, only to find everything closed, including the factories and workshops and the workers houses. They were padded down with multiple locks that even hydrogen bombs wouldnt permeate the secret locking technologies of. Puzzled at the sudden shutdown, the officials, however, failed to be filled with suspicion of the timing of the shutdown. They said they will file an official report, and revisit soon. They also visited the remains of a blown up fireworks factory, which ironically manufactured hydrogen bombs. Visiting India enthusiast and lexicologist from the UK, who was also in town on the same day to visit the Fireworks Wonder City of India as he called it (the officials wondered what the hell he was talking about and were all signalling crazy), was very disappointed. He said hell try to have firecracker factory blast put in as an official entry under oxymorons in the Oxford English Dictionary with Sivakasi as an example.

Chinese government holds special Diwali press meet

Beijing: Continuing their what-they-seem-towant-to-sound-like subtle assertions of supremacy, the Chinese Government held a press conference today, and invited foreign media from the world for it. They were flown in specially commissioned planes and were given plush hotel rooms to stay in. The reason for the extravaganza was a grand ball followed by an all-night-long session of majestic fireworks to showcase how China has done the inevitable once again and conquered the Indian mindset by effectively replacing the Festival of Lights with the Festival of Noise. They claimed that the basic superiority of their invention of fire crackers, when taken in light of the entire cultural history of the nation, shows that there is something in what they keep saying to take seriously. It was so strong that it replaced a whole national and cultural festival in India, they were almost screaming, trying not to sound desperate. They implored with the press attending, to reason and make the first step towards accepting the truth about what China was about, and the attention it deserved after all. They had on the panel, next to President Bo Hungua, a representative from the town of Sivakasi. He refused to divulge his name going by a pseudonym, for reasons that werent revealed, and he wore a mask. Outside the venue, there were protests against the countrys human rights record. They alleged that the mysterious delegate from Sivakasi was here only for the towns business interests a nd was holding up a briefcase that was handcuffed to his hand to show explicit. Zoomed in images of the table showed what could be a part of the briefcase. Both the authorities and the Sivakasi Firecrackers Factory Owners Union have been tight lipped on the issue. The Indian Government, on the other hand, brushed aside the press conference as an

Official study report shows that Diwali has officially lost its light
Delhi: A nationwide survey, led by Ernst & Young, showed that the Festival of Diwali has officially lost its light. With parameters that included activities indulged in, expenses made, validity with original traditions, original traditions and meaning vs. new tradition and meaning, it concluded that Diwali had lost its light and now has become dark. The head of the study, Alexomar Pedro, said, The study we did shows that, when taken on a comprehensive scale, the cultural celebration of Diwali has morphed as far away from its original purpose to be able to conclusively conclude that that there is certainly no Diwali in Diwali. This doesnt mean that there are no people who celebrate a Diwali with actual meaning, original or beneficial or purposeful. There are more people who do celebrate the actual Diwali, the celebrations of which include sweets, diyas, food, fun and family among other thing quieter things. Its basically a Hindu Christmas. One of our research parameters was the ratio of time spent lighting crackers and another was the money spent on crackers. The data we gathered against it was a clear indicator that, on independent analysis, it is merely just an excuse to light em crackers. The crackers are not a part of the larger picture of family, fun or food, or anything else that the people who celebrate the real Diwali do. It is, when you consider all the facts, an independent activity that is done for its own sake. There is no separate cultural marking that makes them any more Diwali than when you would do that for when India wins over Australia in a cricket match. He added, however, that even the families that, according to the study, celebrate the real Diwali have their share of fire cracker lighting but they barely get obsessive about it. He says theyve found the balance between the two and have used innovative reasoning and logic to integrate the two in a proportion that doesnt blow the other off course.

ASI clarifies that age-old theory of Rams crackers not real; officially busts myth
Varanasi: The Archaeological Survey of India confirmed that the theory that Ram too burst crackers during the first Diwali ever is nothing but absolute nonsense and rubbish. The theory stemmed from the fact that in and around Varanasi, they were fire-cracker like artefacts. This excited many enthusiasts who pushed for a national debate and then an ASI investigation. The investigation, which rumours say was pushed and paid for by bigwigs from Sivakasi, took a long and arduous 7 years. In its first report, which reached the exactly same conclusion, there was opposition to the fact that the Chinese were not involved, given that it is their technology, and that, perhaps, their designs from centuries ago should be accessed and then compared. The investigating officer was dismissed almost immediately after the report came out for making remarks that if it happened, China would be equally complicit in opposition to a rational conclusion, given its cultural history, at which all the factory owners in Sivakasi smirked. This report, it was decided, would go through stricter scrutiny in content before being put out,