RETAIL THERAPY: INSIDE THE APPLE STORE

---2013 Column Contest Winner This isnt brick and mortar, its glass and steel. J. K. !!leseed takes "ou backstage at !!le #etail, the su!ercollider o$ human e%!ectations and consumer technolog". &ee all articles $rom this column ---'T& T# ()

*+ J.K. ((,-&--. ---,ast month, ' in/ited !!le em!lo"ees to send me $unn" stories, and the" did not disa!!oint. 0The in/itation still stands, so !lease dro! me a line)1 2ere are three o$ m" $a/orites so $ar, !lus a re/ie3. --The (icku! rtist submitted b" 004 ' ga/e a 5ne-to-5ne lesson to a "oung man 'll call Jonah. 2e dressed like a !re!. ' dont think he looked old enough to be in college. &o, 3hile his la!to! is booting u!, he asks me ho3 m" lo/e li$e is. ' sa" none o$ his business and $lash m" 3edding ring. 2e tells me hes a !icku! artist. 2e 3ants to build a 3ebsite to ad/ertise his !icku! artist lessons. 2e didnt ha/e an" clients "et. *esto$67acket6$inal6!r6a6co!" *est o$ 8c&3eene"s signed 9 !ersonali:ed)

Jonah looks around at m" co-3orkers. 8ost are geeks. 2e tells me he could teach an" one o$ them to !ick u! an" ;$o%< the" 3anted. Jonah ne/er calls 3omen an"thing but ;$o%es.< ' didnt ha/e the heart to tell him the gu" he 3as !ointing to= >a". Jonah 3ants to !ut a !hotogra!h on his 3ebsites $ront !age. ' think, good idea. ,ike one o$ those testimonials, ;This is me. '$ ' can get the $o%es, so can "ou)< 'nstead, 3hat hes got is a chees" screenshot o$ a 3oman he tells me is a (la"bo" (la"mate he took out on a date.

!!le em!lo"ee is unim!ressed. 5nce Jonah sle!t 3ith her, 3hich he said he ;ho!ed to accom!lish soon,< he 3ould be in a !osition to ad/ise others ho3 to do the same. ' thought, this gu" needs more hel! than ' kno3 ho3 to gi/e in a one-to-one. The ne%t 3eek Jonah got m" co-3orker, ?red. ' made sure to situate m" o3n a!!ointment nearb" because ' 3anted to hear ho3 things 3ent. minute later, ?red busts out laughing, and 3e all turn to look. ?red 3a/es that its all right and regains his com!osure. ;,isten, kid.< ?red sa"s. ;Thanks, but no thanks. '/e $orgotten more about dating than "ou 3ill e/er kno3)< 2a!!" @e3 +ear submitted b" A3ert" ?i/e minutes be$ore midnight on @e3 +ears -/e, a $e3 blocks $rom Times &Buare, a homeless man 3ith a da:ed look in his e"es 3andered into our !!le &tore. The >eniuses on o/ernight dut" e"ed him 3aril" as he :ig:agged his 3a" to the !erson checking-in customers. When a genius called out the ne%t a!!ointments name, that man stumbled to3ard the bar. Wa/es o$ odor 3ashed o/er so hard that neighboring >eniuses had to hold their breath. +ou could smell a decade o$ the cit" on the man. 2e !ulled out a brand ne3 i(od touch and set it on the bar. We rela%ed a bit. 't all seemed legit. Then, he !ulled out a 7ar o$ his o3n urine and set that on the bar beside the i(od. &tuck submitted b" sd$g customer came u! to me and !ut a 8ac*ook, an i(od, and a C&* cable on the table. ;' need "our hel!,< he said.

;&ure,< ' said. ;2o3 can ' hel! "ou=< ;' 3as co!"ing a song $rom m" com!uter to m" i(od,< he said. ;5ka".< ;*ut it ne/er got there.< ;.o "ou 3ant to tr" it again=< ;We cant, because the songs not on the com!uter an"more.< ;5h.< ;'ts not on m" i(od, either.< 2e hands me the C&* cable and sa"s, ;'t must be stuck in here. Can "ou get it out $or me=

8edia Watch ?rom time to time, ' 3ill critiBue media co/erage o$ !!le. ' take ins!iration $rom &te!hen Colbert and the *est merican -ssa"s collection o$ 2003, 3hich includes the harshest book re/ie3 "ou 3ill e/er read. *ear 3ith me. 2ome lone b" Caitlin ?lanagan critiBues Christo!her *"rons biogra!h" o$ 8artha &te3art, and i$ "ou en7o" 3riter-on-3riter /iolence, read it. What begins as a book re/ie3 blossoms into a deconstruction o$ 8artha-bashing and closes 3ith brutal sim!licit" ho3 *"ron misses the !oint. *esto$tendenc"6co/er6$inal6!r >et The *est o$ 8c&3eene"s 'nternet Tendenc". ?or e%am!le, *"ron derides &te3art $or asking 3hat the thread count 3as in a line o$ bed sheets 3hich 3ere to bear her brand name, im!l"ing this !ro/ed her neurotic need to o/ersee e/en unim!ortant

details o$ !roduction. ?lanagan !oints out that thread count is the onl" salient metric in bed sheet Bualit". *"ron then trium!hantl" re!orts ho3 the bed sheets $elt rough and $ailed to meet sales e%!ectations, to 3hich ?lanagan re!lies, duh, thats because the thread count 3asnt high enough. That re/ie3 comes to mind because last month the @e3 +ork Times 8aga:ine !ublished an article b" economics re!orter Catherine #am!ell entitled ;Cracking the !!le Tra!.< 5nline, the !iece 3as retitled, ;Wh" !!le Wants to *ust +our i(hone,< and ' am still dumb$ounded that it 3as considered ne3s $it to !rint. The author thought her i(hone sho3ed ;sluggish< !er$ormance and shortened batter" li$e around the same time the ne3 models 3ere released. Considering the !ro/ocati/e titles, and the o!ening line, ; t $irst, ' thought it 3as m" imagination,< a reader might e%!ect to read 3hat in/estigation that con$irmed such sus!icion. What a disa!!ointment, then, to $ind that the rest o$ the article is littered 3ith ob$uscating ma"bes, !ossibl"s, likel"s, and !robabl"s. The !iece meanders through !onti$ications about business incenti/es, essentiall" rests in the authors aggrie/ed imagination. *asicall", the @e3 +ork Times has stoo!ed to link-baiting, and ' $ell $or it. s '/e mentioned in this column be$ore, naming !!le in "our headline guarantees a s!ike in online tra$$ic, reliabl" dra3ing out both $ans and haters. ?or an author like #am!ell, ho3e/er, 3ho touts an a3ard $or e/idence-based re!orting, such tactics should be more embarrassing. ?or e%am!le, rather than state the 3ell-kno3n $act that all batteries ha/e a $inite number o$ charges and degrade o/er time, #am!ell deliberatel" 3rites that ; !!le !hone batteries< do so, im!l"ing !eculiarit" and intention. 5ne e%!ects ?o% @e3s to lead o$$ thinl" /eiled editorials !osing as economics co/erage 3ith !hrasing like, ;&ome sa",< or ;8an" ma" belie/e,< but the >ra" ,ad"= &a" it aint so) ' !ra" 3e 3ont be sub7ected to a @e3 +ork Times that goes all *u::$eed 3ith its headlines. ;2D Things +ou Wont *elie/e bout 5bama)< ;&hEt ll Congressmen &a")< ;Wh" the 8iddle -ast is like >ame o$ Thrones)< ;(lease, >od, #et3eet This)< There 3ere so man" la!ses in logic in #am!ells article that >i:modo tech 3riter *rian *attell $elt com!elled to demolish them !oint-b"-!oint in his res!onse ;Theres @o &uch Thing s an F !!le Tra!,< ske3ering the !iece as ;misin$ormed, and 3orse, misleading.< Which is 3h", a!!arentl", #am!ell 3rote a $ollo3-u! article t3o da"s later entitled ;(lanned 5bsolescence, as 8"th or #ealit".< #e$erencing no less than three economists b" name and ;a lot o$ technolog" e%!erts< not b" name, she success$ull" rec"cled hal$ o$ her $irst !iece, 3hich in$erred !!les e/il moti/es, to arri/e at a ne3 conclusion, ;'ts actuall" /er" hard to in$er a com!an"s moti/es.< What a 3onder$ul non-a!olog". 'ronicall", it rendered the older article obsolete. Was that !lanned= Thats !rett" $ucking meta. #am!ell makes sure to note that !!le didnt res!ond to her calls regarding accusations o$ !lanned obsolescence. 'm sure the com!an" could dedicate huge teams res!onding dail" to such calls, but 3ouldnt that incenti/i:e idioc"= (erha!s not $eeding trolls the res!onses the" cra/e is better $or

business. lso, i$ ' 3orked $or Casio, and a 7ournalist called me to com!lain his calculator 3atch 3ouldnt run (hotosho!, ' might not ha/e an" comments 'd 3ant to see !rinted, either. ;The ans3er is not !articularl" ob/ious.< The $ollo3-u! states. ;The best one can do is look at 3hether !!le 3ould e/en ha/e the incenti/e to cause its !roducts to deteriorate more Buickl" o/er time.< #eall"= 's that the best that that economics re!orting can do= Wh" onl" !!le= To !ara!hrase *attell, couldnt it be that "our de/ice and its batter" ha/e aged, as all things 0anno"ingl"1 do= 5r is !!le behind a 3orld3ide cons!irac", !re-!rogramming and remote-controlling millions and millions o$ units to sort o$ sel$-destruct, barel" !erce!tibl", because some !eo!le "ou read about in a class sa" there might be a buck to make= .o "ou ha/e an" idea 3hat kind o$ customer beha/ior "our article brings do3n u!on our em!lo"ees= 2o3 man" !eo!le 3ill no3 and $ore/er trot out "our 3obbl", o!!ortunistic guess3ork as !roo$ that !!le is against them= This reminds me o$ a 2o3ard &tern radio broadcast in 3hich he s!oke to a caller 3ho stated that Korean deli o3ners onl" thri/ed in @e3 +ork because the" 3ere e%em!t $rom ta%es. &tern, to his credit, sco$$ed. 2e asked, ;.o "ou actuall" belie/e that= That out o$ all the hundreds o$ nationalities in this great cit", that this one random one is someho3, secretl" e%em!t $rom !a"ing ta%es=< ;Thats 3hat ' heard,< she said. ;'m asking "ou) .o "ou belie/e it=< ;Thats 3hat ' heard,< she re!lied again. ,ook, #am!ell, "ou alread" 3on. +ou got !aid t3ice. 5nce to !romote an idea, and then again to retract it. Thats good economics 3e can learn $rom.