The Gracious Hacienda Drinking Game

By Mhairi McFarlane
A recent letter from Tom Cruises lawyer, advising a publication that he had a gracious and loving family home recalled the text of many a wonderfully sycophantic magazine article, or scenes in an MT Cribs tour round a chintzy celebrity cac! pile" #racious is a $eano comic imaginary word% always written, never spo!en" &ows your house' (), pretty gracious" Come round sometime" *ts also loving" *t occurs to me that there are so many !ey features that crop up time and again, you could play a !ind of (bscenely $lingy &orror +hac! *nteriors drin!ing game and get nicely pissed" ,oud thin! that having the !ind of wealth that allows you to -izz funds around &arrods li!e .ormula (ne champagne would mean an incredible diversity of result" &owever, it seems theres an aesthetic ubi/uity in the upper price brac!et to rival that of *)0As Miserly 1andlord range" ,es, ,0+ * !now MT Cribs has been around awhile" $ut if, li!e me, you en-oy drin!ing booze, watching reruns, and leafing through nouveau riche Casa +houlda #one To +pecsavers mansion photo2shoots, this tic! list is always gold" 1i!e a rappers !eeping2it2ghetto bath tub"

3" Koi
There must be a pond and it must feature )oi Carp, the landed gentrys roided goldfish" A beginners spotter badge, award self one shot of 4ooleys"

5" This Is Where The Magic Happens

Mandatory phrase when being shown the recording studio in Cribs" *f ones tour guide is a member of Maroon 6, or in .red 4urst2ian oversized shorts, its not so much magic, as necromancy"

7" Ser an! Sigh!ing

(ur lives wouldnt run without her, shes part of the family or similar, if being narrated to interviewer by willowy patrician blonde at her $arbados hideaway"

0xcept presumably, most family members arent tas!ed with refilling the loo roll pyramid and re/uired to give four wee!s notice if they wish to leave" *n Cribs, this is a bashful2loo!ing middle2aged &ispanic woman who our ebullient host grabs, hugs and shouts% * call her Mama8 9ell, unli!e The :erson 9ho Cif 1emon Mousses the Thunder $ox for Money it has the benefit of brevity"

;" Sho"case For Workless Wi#es S!ar!lingly $ppalling Tas!e

<shered into a lounge that features beige box pelmets, =egency stripe swags, tasselled tie2bac!s, a 9arholian triptych of the >ueen, a suspended flat screen T and a !idney2shaped glass coffee table with lions feet, were told My wife did all of this in an admiring tone that implies this isnt a highly defamatory statement" 9eve gone for a !inda country house, rustic, ,e (lde 0nglish feel? she says, clad in @uicy Couture trac!ie, in the blistering sunshine of the &ollywood &ills in a terracotta2washed Mexican style bungalow surrounded by palm trees" And the aim is to transport us, in this one room, to the Cotswolds' $rea!ing news% youve dropped two mill to pull off the same standard of illusion as 4uty .ree lagged $rits rofling through airport terminals in sombreros" There was a particularly splendid example of the misguided pride in own 4*, genre when @oan Collins welcomed Hello! into her Manhattan penthouse master suite, an aggressive whole2room pattern2matched vexatious twanging of the optic nerveA @ac!son :olloc! meets &eathrow +heraton Classic 4ouble circa 3BCC" +he announced, imperiously% * have an eye" That you !eep in a drawer, li!e a marble' <+0 T9("

6" Turkey Bacon% So Many &ues!ions

Casually introduced in fridge contents inventory, as if its not a paradoxical mindbender and affront to gustatory dignity" 9hat in the name of all that is holy is tur!ey bacon' 9hy cant Americans see a thing, without trying to transpose it into tur!ey' 9hy have so much cash you could hire the 9hite &ouse lawn for a barbecue, and then eat not2actual bacon' 9hy consume a meat2hybrid that, if made flesh D$ehold #ods abomination% 9attle :ig8E you would run from screaming, not chasing with a mandolin slicer' *s this the dream' ,ou become an F$A superstar, platinum seller or American *dol -udge in a sprawling estate the size of 9igan" $eautiful partner, brace of !ids, at the very pinnacle G the thin air summit of success G where you then get

so light headed that you as! your private chef to toss a s!in graft flap of reformed smo!ed poultry to shrin! in a s!illet' Turkey is not for winners. Turkey is for people who find chicken too exciting. To try to make bacon out of it is fucking demented.

H" $r!e#ac! Tha! 'eminds Them (# Where I! $ll Began

Must be in a glass case" 0xtra shot awarded if its in a Temple To Thine 0go room full of trophies, awards, s!ateboards nailed to walls, framed photos of owner doing finger guns with wheelchair2bound confused $ob &ope, etc"

I" My Friends) Who I Ha e For Money

A loose affiliation of 0ntourage2style hangers on must be cluttering up the overstuffed sofa playing video games, or hanging around the island unit in the !itchen, waiting to do on2camera high fives" They have, of course, been there from the beginning" The beginning of your being loaded" This hired homies techni/ue was later adopted by ma!ers of @amie (liver programmes" 1ittle !nown fact% he calls everyone onscreen tiger because he doesnt !now their names" 0ven his nan" Thats a Central Casting stunt nan if ever * saw one" 1ets -ust see if she turns up as Aaron Crazes, too"

C" Specially *ommissioned $r!

$ecause no2one would embar! on painting something that shit without being paid up front" (nce on Cribs, a tour guide showed us his haunting oil painting of Tupac +ha!ur being baptised by Martin 1uther )ing" *t came from an idea * had, he mused, That Tupac +ha!ur couldve been baptised by Martin 1uther )ing" =endering Ali # instantly satirically obsolete, he then put on a wolf fur coat and started howling" *t was the finest ten minutes of telly ever"

B" +n!ouched Ki!chen Tha! *os! ,- Grand

* love to coo!8 says our 99. wrestler host, holding a spatula upside down and waving it vaguely in the direction of a range that still has a fine coating of bric! dust from the !itchen fitters wor!" ,eah, * do egg white omelettes, and other stuff" 9olfgang :uc! gave me a private lesson, it was wild" * can do sauces" All the sauces" Ah yes, :uc!s saucing masterclass% the red one, the brown one, and the white one" The classic .rench -us trio for feasts of T<=)0, $AC(F" There must also be a double2door fridge large enough to store a dead body, holding only neatly stac!ed cans of #atorade"

3J" (riginal S!one Tiles From Milan $re The Weapon (# *hoice In The .u/e Ba!hroom
Fot strictly relevant% * once proof read an interiors piece containing this phrase from the designer" * now realise * devised this whole feature idea -ust so * could share this"

I# you like "ha! you e read) !hen youll lo e !his e en more0 Ge! Mhairis ne" 1ook) Heres Looking At You no"%

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