ECONOMY MEASURES "Red Tape" Written by Sarah Hurst Based on the stories of Mikhail Zoshchenko

sarahnhurst@gmail.com 07804 827 921

ECONOMY MEASURES "Red Tape" FADE IN: INT. SMALL BEDROOM - NIGHT A police siren from outside drowns out the pop song that is playing on the clock radio on the bedside table. There is about a foot of space between the double bed and the walls of the bedroom. The shag carpet has seen better days. LINDA -- attractive, late 20s -- comes through the door wearing sexy lingerie and poses suggestively. MIKE -- early 30s, with unkempt hair and stubble on his chin -- looks at her from under the duvet, with a puzzled expression on his face. MIKE What are you doing? LINDA I want you. MIKE All right, then. Linda gets into bed, pulls down the duvet and lies on top of Mike with her cleavage close to his face. MIKE Mmm. Lindas hand goes under the duvet. Her arm moves. She frowns. LINDA Whats the matter? Mike sits up. MIKE Im sorry. I dont think I can. LINDA Why not? We havent done it for ages. MIKE Its like Im not a real man any more. Im a nobody. LINDA Come off it. MIKE Im useless. LINDA I have a use for you.

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She kisses him on the mouth. MIKE Thanks for trying. Mike reaches over and turns off the radio. He rolls over on his side, away from Linda, and closes his eyes. Linda sighs. EXT. SHOPPING STREET IN READING - DAY Mike, wearing an anorak, gets off a bus and walks into a job centre. INT. JOB CENTRE - DAY Mike is sitting across the table from an ADVISOR -- a woman in her mid-20s, sitting at a computer. There is a plastic springy Tigger toy with a cheerful grin next to her on the table. The advisor talks breezily. ADVISOR Is this your first time here, then? Mikes face darkens. MIKE No! Im in here every week. Doing everything Im supposed to do. The advisor looks at her computer screen with a puzzled expression. ADVISOR Oh. Thats odd. Theres no record of your visits on here. MIKE There has to be. The advisor types on her keyboard. ADVISOR How did you spell your name again? MIKE I already told you! M-i-k-e. Mike. Z-im-m-e-r-m-a-n. Zimmerman. ADVISOR Im sorry, thats a very long name, isnt it? Are you German? MIKE No. ADVISOR What was it, again? Z-i-m-e-r-

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MIKE Z-i-m-m-e-rADVISOR Thats what I said, isnt it? The ocmputer doesnt seem to be accepting it for some reason. Naughty computer! MIKE Theres two ms. You missed out an m. ADVISOR Oh dear, Im the naughty one! Oops! Right, got it now. MIKE Great, so youve found me. ADVISOR Not quite yet -- do you have a middle name? MIKE No. My parents were unimaginative. ADVISOR There really isnt any Mike Zimmerman on the system, Im afraid. MIKE Try Michael. ADVISOR Oh, fabulous idea! Of course! Arent you the clever one? You should be the one with a job! The advisor types on her keyboard. Her smile fades. ADVISOR No -- no Michael Zimmerman. The advisors smile returns. ADVISOR Well just start you again and have your file up and running in no time. Well -- in about twenty minutes or so. Do you have two forms of identification on you by any chance? MIKE I dont want to bloody start again! Ive been looking for a job for nine months! Dont treat me like I just strolled in here for the first time! You know everything about me.

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Ive already filled in every form and been asked every question in the book. Im 32, married, no kids, heterosexual, white British, no disability, havent served in the armed forces. Im a journalist. I got laid off from the Caversham Herald. Yes, Im open to new career paths and training courses. Id be a plumber if I could tell one end of a suction pump from the other. ADVISOR Im so sorry, Mr. Zimmerman, but weve had an IT upgrade and there have been a few glitches in the system. Teething trouble, you know how that goes. Do you happen to have two forms of identification -MIKE Why dont you identify this? Mike picks up the Tigger toy and shoves it aggressively towards the advisors face. The advisor starts to tremble and looks like shes about to burst into tears. ADVISOR Stop it! Please leave now. Mike puts the toy down on the table gently. MIKE I need help! ADVISOR I can see that. MIKE Wheres your supervisor? ADVISOR Second floor. First door on the left. MIKE Fine. Mike gets up and goes out of the door to the staircase. He climbs up to the second floor and walks down a corridor. There is a post-it note on the first door on the left: Back after lunch. Mike looks up at a clock on the wall opposite. Its 10.30. MIKE Jesus H. Christ.

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Mike bangs on the next door and goes through it without waiting for an answer. A smartly-dressed SUPERVISOR in her early 60s is talking to a goth teenage GIRL with a pierced nose. GIRL They keep telling me to dress differently, but I dunno what they mean. SUPERVISOR Excuse me one moment. The supervisor looks up at Mike. SUPERVISOR Can I help you? MIKE My files disappeared. SUPERVISOR Im sorry to hear that, sir, but as you can see, Im unavailable. Theres an appointment chart at the end of the corridor. I believe the next opening is on Thursday at four. MIKE It takes me an hour to get here and it costs me five quid. I need help now. SUPERVISOR Theres nothing I can do, sir. Would you kindly leave my office. Mike looks at the girl. MIKE Dont even bother. He looks back at the supervisor. MIKE Theres got to be someone around here with more sense than the speaking clock! The girl looks at the supervisor. GIRL Do you have any tattoos? Mike storms out of the room and strides down the corridor, heading somewhere purposefully, but not knowing where. He goes down flights of stairs, pushing past someone coming the other way. He emerges into a basement.

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There are several people working at desks with computers on them. No one pays any attention to Mike. Mike approaches the desk of a FAT MAN in his fifties, who looks at him blankly and blows his nose loudly into a handkerchief.

Mike looks over at DENNIS -- a man in his 40s wearing a suit and tie, with neatly-trimmed hair, whose feet are up on one of the desks. Dennis is leaning back in his chair, so only two of its legs are on the floor. There is a mug of tea on the desk next to him. Dennis smiles at Mike. Mike approaches him. DENNIS Alright? MIKE What did you say? DENNIS Alright? You alright? MIKE You smug little fuck. Mike punches Dennis in the face. Dennis howls and falls to the floor. The job centre employees rush around them. Two of them grab Mikes arms to restrain him. Dennis tries to sit up, clutching his jaw in agony. DENNIS What the hell? MIKE You pathetic, lazy bureaucrats! You call us parasites? Sitting around with your feet up already on your fourth cup of tea of the day while were desperately trying to find any kind of lousy zero-hours soulless shelfstacking job to give ourselves some kind of self esteem! Do you know how happy some of us would be sitting in your seat? The fat man whom Mike approached earlier dials his mobile phone. FAT MAN (on phone) Police. Yes, its an emergency. Weve had an assault at the job centre on Norton Road. No, I dont think anyone else is in danger. The fat man glares at Mike.

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FAT MAN Some nutter just lost it. OK. Thanks. The fat man hangs up. FAT MAN Police are on their way. Dennis looks at Mike. DENNIS You fucking idiot. I dont work here. Im like you. Dennis indicates inverted commas with two fingers of both hands. DENNIS Waiting for assistance. MIKE Oh my God. DENNIS Yes. Ive been here for two hours. MIKE Im so sorry. The advisor that Mike first spoke with comes into the room and looks at the scene in horror. ADVISOR Mr. Zimmerman! There you are! Whats going on? MIKE I hit someone, but it was a mistake. ADVISOR Youre crazy! I was only going to tell you that I found your records. They did spell your name with one m after all -- can you believe it? DENNIS Youre helping him now? What about me? Why should this violent criminal get so much priority? Typical government coddling. Blame the victim, thats right. Isnt anyone even going to help me up? The fat man offers Dennis his hand and helps him to his feet with much puffing and panting.

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ADVISOR Are you all right? What can we do for you? DENNIS Im not getting my jobseekers allowance any more. ADVISOR Oh dear. Have you been seeking a job? DENNIS No, I havent been feeling well. ADVISOR Then you cant claim it. DENNIS But I need it. ADVISOR Youll have to sign on again, and stick to your claimant commitment this time. DENNIS Im injured now. Cant you at least keep sending it to me until Im fully recovered? ADVISOR Im afraid thats not how it works. DENNIS Then let me hit him back, I might feel better. ADVISOR Please dont! Dennis lunges at Mike, who kicks him. Dennis falls to the floor again. DENNIS You bastard! Two police officers burst into the room -- one male, one female. MALE POLICE OFFICER Everybody stay calm, please! Well have this situation under control in no time. Everyone stares at the police officers. The female police officer looks at Mike.

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FEMALE POLICE OFFICER Is this the alleged assailant? DENNIS Hes the fucking twat who nearly caused my death. Twice. The female police officer handcuffs Mike, and the two job centre employees let go of him. The male police officer takes out a notebook and pen and turns to Mike. MALE POLICE OFFICER Ill need to take down a few details. Whats your name? MIKE Mike Zimmerman. M-iWhile Mike is talking to the male police officer, the female police officer hands out forms to everyone else, including Dennis. FEMALE POLICE OFFICER We just have some paperwork for all of you to do. It wont take long. About twenty minutes. Then well book the suspect down at the station. FAT MAN This is a lot of work. Is it really necessary? FEMALE POLICE OFFICER Im afraid so. Regulations. The job centre employees start filling in their forms. MIKE White, British. The male police officer notes down what Mike is saying. INT. PRISON CELL - DAY Mike is lying on his stomach on the top bunk, reading a book. A SKINHEAD in his early 20s is lying on his back on the bottom bunk. SKINHEAD Tell it me again. MIKE Are you serious? SKINHEAD Fucking tell it me again, all right? What else have we got to do around here?

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MIKE OK, OK. Where do I start? SKINHEAD The part where you found out he didnt work there. I fucking love that part. The skinhead laughs loudly. MIKE All right. Mike closes the book. Its Crime and Punishment. INT. JOB CENTRE - DAY Mike is sitting opposite the advisor. He has no stubble on his chin and his hair is brushed. ADVISOR You look better. MIKE I think two weeks in the clink did me some good. I had a chance to reflect. I read a good book, too. Mike takes the copy of Crime and Punishment out of a bag by his feet and offers it to the advisor. MIKE Im really getting into Russian novels. Theyre so philosophical. ADVISOR Thanks, but I prefer non-fiction. MIKE Suit yourself. Mike puts the book away. The advisor looks at her computer screen. ADVISOR We have all your details. Theres a great training course we could sign you up for, its for electricians. MIKE No red tape? ADVISOR No red tape. I promise. MIKE Okey dokey.

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ADVISOR Wonderful! Ill put your name down. MIKE My wife will be happy. She likes a manly man. ADVISOR I had a look at your blog. It was funny! MIKE Thanks. Got to keep writing somehow. A writer writes, and all that. ADVISOR You might get famous. MIKE You never know. I wasnt going to get famous covering dog shows for the Caversham Herald. So I suppose things might work out OK in the end. ADVISOR Its all about attitude, Mr. Zimmerman. Stay optimistic. MIKE Yeah, so they say. The advisor looks at her watch. ADVISOR Your time is up now. MIKE Right. ADVISOR Nice to see you again. MIKE Only to live, to live and live! Life, whatever it may be! ADVISOR Pardon? MIKE Its a quote. Mike picks up his bag and leaves.

FADE OUT.