A very brief introduction to the concept of

NONVIOLENT
COMMUNICATION
Pioneered by
Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.
Summarized by Alexandria Skinner,
J.D.

NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION: A
LANGUAGE OF LIFE
by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D.

Method For
Communicating That
Enables Authentic
Sharing
Clearly
expressing how
I am,
without blaming
or criticizing

Empathetically
receiving how
you are,
without hearing
blame or
criticism

OVERVIEW OF PROCESS:
Use I Statements to Communicate :
1. OBSERVATIONS
2. FEELINGS
3. NEEDS
4. REQUESTS

HONEST EXPRESSION
Observation:
Feeling:
Need:
Request:

When I see
I feel
Because I need
Would you be willing
to

GIVING EMPATHY
Observation:
Feeling:
Need:
Request:

When you see

Are you feeling
Because you need
Would you like me to

OBSERVATIONS
When I see / hear / imagine
A report card with all As
Your socks on the floor
You told me I couldnt

SPECIFIC, CONCRETE, IN THE HERE AND

NOW (not something a person did a year
ago!)

FEELINGS
.I feel
Amazed, proud, angry, concerned,
confused, embarrassed, irritated, lonely,
touched, thankful, sad, relieved, proud .

SPECIFIC EMOTIONS, NOT GENERAL

ONES

NEEDS
I need / value .
I feel _[sad, or x or y ]_ because I need
[ acceptance, or x or y ] .

Link the need with the feeling and the

action

REQUESTS
I request that you .
Pay the light bill, or x or y
The request should be phrased in terms
of a positive thing to do, be very concrete
/ specific, and be do-able in the
immediate sense

SOME FEELINGS
Positive

Negative

Amazed, comfortable,
confident, eager, proud,
thankful, touched,
trustful, surprised,
inspired, relieved,
optimistic, glad

Angry, annoyed,
concerned, confused,
disappointed,
discouraged, distressed,
embarrassed, frustrated,
helpless, hopeless,
impatient, irritated,
lonely, nervous,
overwhelmed, puzzled,
reluctant, sad,
uncomfortable

SOME NEEDS
Autonomy
(choosing dreams, goals, values)

Celebration
(to acknowledge both creation and loss)

Physical nurturance
(air, food, exercise, rest)

Integrity
(authenticity, meaning, self worth)

Interdependence
(acceptance, emotional safety)

Play
(fun, laughter)

Spiritual Communion
(beauty, inspiration, peace)

FEELINGS vs. NON FEELINGS

Distinguish thoughts from feelings!
The words, I feel [that] you are stupid, does not
express a feeling! If you would use the words like,
that, if in the sentence, it is probably a judgment
and not a feeling.

Distinguish evaluations from feelings!

The words I feel unimportant express an
evaluation (my assessment of how I think others are
thinking about me), not a feeling.

PSEUDO-FEELINGS
Pseudo feelings express interpretation, diagnosis,
evaluation, criticism, judgment, or blame.
Not likely to result in the person you are
communicating with to open up and connect with
their needs.
Likely to create feelings of separation or alienation.

INTERPRETATIONS
The following are evaluations, not feelings,
because they depend for their significance
on how we interpret (or filter) the behavior:
Abandoned, abused, attacked, betrayed, bullied,
cheated, coerced, cornered, interrupted, intimidated,
manipulated, misunderstood, neglected, overworked,
patronized, pressured, provoked, put down, rejected,
taken for granted, threatened, unheard,
unappreciated, unseen, unsupported, unwanted, used

THE FOUR DS OF
DISCONNECTION
Diagnose:

Telling people our diagnosis rather

than what we need

Deserve:

Judging who is right, wrong, good,

bad, and who deserves to be rewarded or punished

Deny choice / responsibility:

Blaming
others for our feelings, obscuring choice by saying
I had to or You have to, inducing guilt and / or
shame

Demand:

Threatening, bribing, bullying,

inducing fear of punishment or promise of reward

HINTS FOR BETTER

COMMUNICATION
Use words that refer to specifics:
Specific actions
Specific needs
Specific emotions
Specific requests
Use I statements:
I see this, I have this need, I feel this way, I
request

MAKING A REQUEST
Ask for what will meet your needs
State the request in do-able terms that
are time limited and achievable
Use positive action language
And can be met in a variety of ways
(method is negotiable)

EXAMPLE
Observation: I found dirty clothes on the floor
of the bedroom.
Feeling: I feel frustrated,
Need: because I need an orderly living space.
Request: Would you be willing to put your
clothes in the in the hamper when you take
them off?