Killing a man wasn't hard.

There were different kinds of murder, but most of the time it was surprisingly easy. When I was angry it wasn't that different from punching someone. I know that makes me sound like a psychopath, but then most people have probably never had to kill someone. Even when I've had time to think about it beforehand, there was a surreal aspect to it. It feels like I'm watching myself shoot someone. ike singing on stage at a concert or when I lost my virginity, my mind sealed it all away for another time. !etting away with it isn't that hard either. "nly about #$% of murders are ever solved in the &.'. (nd that's every single murder. That's counting all of the open and shut cases. 'ometimes people snap and kill somebody in front of do)ens of witnesses. Then there are the guys who kill their wives *you learn pretty +uickly in prison that it's always the husband,. There's the moron who leaves a trail of evidence a blind man could follow. -ut the guy who shoots a man he barely knows in the back of the head. /o witnesses, no real evidence, no obvious motivations. That's a cold case. "r so I hoped. The hard part came later. 0ou think you're ok with it, then it starts popping up everywhere. 1lashbacks, nightmares, sometimes my hands would shake for no reason. I tried to ignore those thoughts as I checked over everything. The 2eckler 3 Koch &'4 Tactical was not my favorite gun, but it would have to do. /ot that it was a bad gun5 the grip fit my hands nicely and it was accurate and reliable. -ut the safety isn't user6 friendly and I'd had to buy a right6handed model on top of that. -ut I guess felons can't be choosers. I was surprised by how easy it had been to find a silenced weapon. The same guy who'd sold me the &'4 also had a suppressor. (pparently making even a smaller caliber like a 7mm silent is pretty difficult. The seller had lit a cigarette as he e8plained it to me. 9There's three things you have to worry about when you're trying to make a gun +uiet. 1irst the primer and the powder make that loud 'bang' and pressure from the gasses fires the bullet. Then you've got the bullet itself making a that 'crack' noise when it breaks the sound barrier and makes a little sonic boom. The suppressor666: *That's what he called silencers. I guess they don't like the term silencer because the gun still makes a noise, 9will make sure the 'bang' isn't as loud and if you buy those subsonic bullets that hunters sometimes use, then the 'crack' of the bullet goes away too. The gun itself makes noise as the slide blows back but I'll show you how you can pin it in place if you want. 0ou'll have to work the slide by hand but better silent than sorry. egal6wise it's what you might call 'dubious' but since you're not supposed to own a gun, why worry.: I had the gun in a concealed holster as I walked through the back door of the hotel. "ne trick I've learned is that people will let you in almost anywhere, no +uestions asked, if you pretend to be having an angry conversation on your cell phone. !etting a hotel guest to open the door for me wasn't all that hard, but I managed to get into a congresswoman's office the same way. I continued to give angry, clipped answers to an imaginary girlfriend as I walked up to the service elevator and pressed the up arrow with my knuckle. 'ervice elevators are great5 they're big, rarely used, and almost never have cameras or emergency stop alarms. /ot that I've used them on a lot of ;obs, but I had se8 in one a few years back. ( few floors up and I'm checking the hallway to make sure it's empty. I've worked hard to make sure I fit all the averages tonight5 average height, average weight, average clothes, and average hair. It wouldn't be much for the police to go off of. -ut if nobody sees me, then nobody can remember me. I knock on the man's door. I knew ne8t to nothing about this guy. I wish I could have said that he was a bad man but he probably wasn't. -ut he was ruining someone's day so they wanted him dead. 0ou'd be surprised how cheaply human life can be bought. There was this tweaker in my cell block at one point who'd stabbed

an <= year old woman to death for some peanut butter crank and a case of >ed -ull. -est I can ;ustify my actions is to say that the information I got for killing this man was priceless. 2e smiled nervously as he opened the door. 9?$ o'clock on the nose. 0ou're a punctual man, uh666: 9-en, -en 2art.: I didn't see a problem with giving him my real name since he was gonna be dead in five minutes. 9/ice to meet you, -en. 'o you're here to negotiate. 0ou'll find me easy to bargain with tonight. @ome on in. @an I get you anything.: 2e hustled through the hotel room. 9I ;ust opened up a bottle of =? year old 'cotch5 I've got some cause for celebration.: 9/o thanks.: Well, shit. /othing spoiled your day +uite like a bullet to the brain. I liked scotch and would have ;umped at the chance to sample something a little better than Aohnny Walker >ed, but there was something wrong with drinking a man's scotch before you shot him. Then again, he couldn't take it with him. 9(ctually, I think I will take a glass. /eat.: 9"nly way to drink it.: The man shoved away the ice bucket like an unwelcome guest. 9@an I use your bathroom really fast. I was celebrating a bit myself earlier.: 90eah, sure, straight through there.: I took the opportunity to make sure there wasn't anyone else in the hotel room. The bedroom, bathroom and closet were all empty. I pulled the gun out and screwed the suppressor onto the threading at the end of the &'4's barrel. I double6checked the gun and then bundled it up in my ;acket. I flushed the toilet and returned to the main room carefully, making sure not to get my fingerprints on anything. The man was silent as he poured the glasses, glancing at me occasionally. I reached down to finger the gun, wondering if he was onto me. Then it clicked and I reali)ed what he wanted. 9'o, what's this cause for celebration.: 9I ;ust got engaged.: Bouble shit. There must be a special part of hell for what I'm about to do. 9/o shit, huh.: I smiled, trying to share in his ;oy. 9I hope to be doing that pretty soon myself.: 90eah, it's ama)ing. 'he's ama)ing. I'm so lucky to have found her.: I couldn't listen anymore. I'd been planning to talk at him until he let his guard down but I was liable to lose my nerve at this rate. I had a spot picked out ;ust behind his ear. ( good shot at the right angle would hit the part of the brain responsible for bodily function and he wouldn't have to die slowly as his brain hemorrhaged. I downed the rest of my scotch like a shot and swallowed hard. I motioned toward the window so that I could draw my gun without him seeing, then dropped my glass on the floor. 9'hit, looks like you're red6lighted.: 2e sighed as he reached down to pick the glass up. I put the gun to the man's head and we both fro)e. I'm not sure why. The man was about to say something ;ust as I finally pulled the trigger. The gun made a soft click and the man collapsed to the floor. I starred at the man *or maybe it was now the man's body., I couldn't tell you why I'd paused. It'd been a while since I'd taken someone's life, maybe it'd become difficult again. I used my foot to roll the body over and put two more bullets into his brain, ;ust to make sure. I looked around the room. @ompletely empty. I supposed I should leave. I picked up the shell casings and put them in my pocket. I used my sleeve to pour another glass of scotch and downed it in one gulp, then put the glass in my ;acket pocket. I took one more look around the room and left after holstering the gun. I e8haled whiskey fumes and whispered, 9I'm coming, @hloe.: 90ou know, I could always tell when you walked into a room.: @hloe smiled shyly, like she was about to tell me a secret. We were on the senior lawn of Buarte 2igh5 both of us stretched out on a blanket @hloe had brought. 'he insisted that the blanket made it feel more like a picnic and less like lunch at a penitentiary. (fter having gone on some picnics and spending time in the pen, I couldn't say

it felt like either. I reached up to brush some of her blonde hair out of those gorgeous blue6green eyes. 9"h yeah. 2ow was that.: 9I would feel myself getting really warm. Cy face would flush scarlet.: 'he kissed my hand. I smiled as she held his palm against her cheek. 9Bid you get all itchy ne8t. 'ounds like you had an allergic reaction.: 'he giggled. 9I heard once that true love is kind of like that5 you meet someone with ;ust the right genes and your body ;ust knows that your off6spring will be the fittest so it tells you to mate with that one.: I rolled my eyes. 9>eal romantic @hlo.: 'he stuck her tongue out at me. 9I think it isD That means we're biologically perfect for each other. ike we were made for each other.: 90eah, chemicals and genes and shit5 so romantic.: 9'hut up, you.: 'he reached out a hand to close my mouth but I ;ust batted it away. 9'hut up and finish your lunch, the bell's gonna ring soon.: 9We've still got a little time.: The bell rang, a long, annoying bu)) that brought me back from the picnic and onto the mattress on the floor of studio apartment. I shut the old clock6radio off. I glared at the thing through ha)y eyes. The only thing more annoying than the bu)) of that alarm was the high6pitched static of the radio alarm. I fumbled through the dark to find the pack of cigarettes I'd bought last night on the way back from the hotel. (fter the first few inhales I felt awake enough to turn on the light. -lack, shadow6like forms scattered across the wall. The cockroaches were awake too, I guess. Was there any point in turning on the dirty coffeepot in the kitchen. Cy meeting with my parole officer was in an hour so I couldn't put anything good in the coffee anyway. Cight as well ;ust grab CcBonaldEs along the way. CcBonald's coffee was good, but it didn't have any bourbon in it. -ourbon would be helpful with the interview to come. Have you been using any drugs? Nothing except the glass of Scotch I had before I shot the guy in the back of the head. Have you had any police contact? No sir! I as long gone before the police sho ed up. !hat are your goals no that you are a free "an? I ant to find "y "issing high school s eetheart and "arry her. 'omehow, I didn't think that was gonna fly. I never could get anything right. -ut nothing would be as nerve6wracking as the meeting I had lined up after my 4.". -ut it would be all worth it for one girlF @hloe. It's hard to talk about @hloe. @hloe was something precious, a piece of contraband I spend weeks hiding and don't talk about around the other guys, even when the guards aren't there to listen. &gh, even my analogies about @hloe are awful. I used to think she was my one shot at happiness, but I've come to understand that isn't true. I had many shots at happiness but I blew them all. I'm not saying that to make people feel sorry for me, it's ;ust the way things are. The ;udge who sentenced me looked at my file and said, 9'on, you ;ust ain't going to make it, are you.: What @hloe is or, what @hloe as... @hloe was a reason to make it. @hloe was a reason to step up on the conveyer belt. To be a cog in the machine. To get up at five thirty in the morning and work on cars all fucking day for whatever the dirtiest shops in the city are willing to pay e86cons. -ecause every night, after I close up, I get to go home to an honest to !od fairy tale romance. The shit you see on TG. /ow @hloe was a tiny thing to pull out whenever I wanted, needed to torture myself. "r remind myself what I could have been. Turn a flashlight on the memories in the dark and ;ust wonderfully ache. I would think about her when I was outside, waiting to go back to prison the way normal people

wait at bus stops. I would think about her twice as much when I was on the inside because there's never anything good to think about. -ut @hloe was gone now and the last thing of any good that I could do right now was find her. 'o I would do whatever that took. The Kenyan wasn't from Kenya. I never could remember what part of (frica he was from and, apparently, neither could anyone else. Wherever it was, it was the awful kind of place that could make someone like the Kenyan. 1or all my talk, I'm small time. I wouldn't be surprised if some big players knew who I was or maybe even my name, but they ain't making any deals with me. The Kenyan got called up from the minors practically as soon as he was on the scene. 2e ;ust made himself too valuable. 2e couldn't tell you who the current president was but he always seemed to be able to find what you were looking for. !uns, of course, but he was better known for rarer stuff, weirder stuffF rocket fuel, nerve gas, and something called 9black chips.: 2e made a little, but stole or bought most of it. What he wasn't known for was brokering information. I'd been a little surprised when he'd reached out to me about @hloe's disappearance. I became less suspicious when I heard his asking price. 2e knew I couldn't afford to pay him any decent amount of money, so he asked me to work it off. /ot only was I doing little ;obs *like last night's assassination, but he was also testing out some new drug on me. Brugs make me nervous by themselves, but when I don't know what they do and they're being in;ected directly into my brain, they're downright terrifying. If it had been for anyone e8cept @hloe, I'd tell the Kenyan e8actly where he could make his in;ections. 92ave you noticed any cognitive abnormalities.: The Kenyan wasn't into hi's or byes. 2e didn't speak with an accept but his English was a little too perfect and unnatural to pass as someone born speaking it. 9/ope.: 9(nything out of the ordinary. Gision problems. 2earing. Cemory. 2eadaches. Trouble sleeping666: 90ou ask me the same !od damn +uestions every time I come in here. The only problem I have is that I don't know where @hloe is yet.: The Kenyan stared at me. 9'orry, I'll check off all the bullshit on your paper for you.: I marked off all of the symptoms as normal. 90ou didn't even ask me how the ;ob went.: 9I know how the ;ob went5 if they printed your sleeping issues in the paper I would not have to ask you those +uestions either.: I tossed him the clipboard. 9'o, what's this information you've got.: 2e showed me a picture printed out onto white paper. 9I believe this is the girl.: 'he was half6turned and the resolution was so !od awful it could only have been a cell phone cam. In truth I wasn't sure this was a picture of @hloe by sight alone, but something inside of me knew it was. 9That's her.: 9That photo was taken at a trailer park ;ust outside the city less than a week ago. I will give you the address and you will find time to come in ne8t 'aturday for another in;ection.: The diner was our favorite spot when we were in high school. ( few days ago I was out of prison and there was a message on my mom's answering machine from @hloe. I was early. I wasn't the early type but spending si8 months in ;ail tends to leave a lot of empty space in your schedule. Waiting in the corner booth was a lot better than watching the Giew with my mother. Every time the bell on the door rang I imagined it would be @hloe coming through the door. When it was finally her, I found out

my imagination didn't work worth shit. I'd imagined the tiny blonde in ratty ;eans and a 'ocial Bistortion t6shirt. This woman was taller, or maybe that was ;ust the shoes. 'he wasn't wearing a suit or anything but she looked nice enough to make me feel awkward in the Bickies I'd bought from the !ood Will. I couldn't say if it was ;ust the clothes or if her frame had filled out nicely. 'he smiled the same @hloe smile but her hug carried the smell of some new perfume. /ot a teenage smell but a hint of allure. @hloe was a real woman now5 she dressed fashionably and you could barely tell she was wearing make6up. In short, she was way too good for me. I felt like a !od damned punk. 9Wow, -en, it's been such a long time.: 9@hlo. @hloe, you look... wow... I mean... I don't even know how you look. When the fuck did all this666: I gestured up and down at her 9666happen.: 'he laughed. 9Aesus, -en, I ;ust grew up a little. Bon't act like I'm wearing Bolce 3 !abbana while the papara))i takes pictures of me.: I laughed. 9Bolce 3 !abbana. What's this shit. 0ou sure you're the same girl. What are you even doing now.: 9I work for an advertising firm downtown.: I blinked. 9Well, la dee da.: 'he gave me the ook. 90eah, sorry, I'll behave. 0ou um... got a family or anything.: 'he saw right through the +uestion and smiled a little. 9/ope. /ot dating anyone either.: 9'orry to hear that.: 9 ike hell.: I shrugged. 9I'd pretend to be happy for you if you were happy.: 9I know you would.: 'he nodded a little. 9-ut you'd suck at it.: 9I couldn't lie to you anyway.: 9/ever stopped you from trying.: 2er mood shifted in an instant. 9What are you doing with yourself, -en.: I shrugged. 9We'll see, I was in on a misdemeanor charge so it won't be as hard as if I'd commited666: 9That's not what I mean. 0ou. In prison. 2ow the hell did that happen.: 9/ot all of us could go to college.: 'he gave me a withering look. 9That doesn't mean you had to start committing crimes. There are lots of good, honest ;obs out there that don't re+uire hurting people.: 9I BIB/'T hurt anybody.: I hissed through gritted teeth. 9I wouldn't do that.: @hloe was never one to back down from an argument, she leaned across the table. 9#ll crimes hurt so"ebody, -en. That's why they're crimes.: 9"h look at you on your fucking high horse. What about skipping out on school, I believe that is a crime.: 9It was a crime of the worst kindF a crime against myself666: 9"h Aesus. That is the biggest bullshit I've ever heard come out of your mouth. 0ou sound like a !od damned teacher.: 'he sat back and folded her arms. 9Boesn't make it any less true.: 9Whatever. isten, I don't feel terribly hungry anymore. @all me if you ever pull your head out of your ass.: 'he didn't say anything, she ;ust watched me leave. Bid she shake her head a little as I walked away.

I woke up coughing, choking. It was the early hours of the morning. I was free)ing my ass off and my body didn't feel like it would ever move again. I don't know how the fuck I managed to fall asleep sitting up in the cold. I tried to shift so that the spring that was wearing through the car's front seat would stop wearing a hole through my back. I rubbed my eyes and peered at the front steps of the trailer. I'd left a cup full of chewing tobacco spit there as a sort of alarm system. It was gross and foul6smelling, I could only guess that after three days it was probably beginning to mold over. 0ou wouldn't leave it anywhere near your door even if you were too drunk to find your keys. It was still there. /o one had been to the trailer in three days. It looked like it was still too early for people to be out going to work. /ow was as good a time as any. I stepped out of the car and stretched. Cy body felt like it was made out of stiff rubber. I closed the door +uietly but left the door unlocked. If anyone could get this 4"' started before I got back, they could have it. I made a wide circle around the trailer, looking for anything or anyone out of the ordinary. I kicked the cup of chaw under the trailer and tried the door. /o dice. 4icking a lock is never something I've taken the time to get good at, so I ;ust picked up a chunk of concrete and smashed it through a window. *(s a side note, never wrap your hand and then try to punch through a window. 0ou'll probably succeed, but you'll wish you hadn't., The trailer had been lived in at some point I guessed, but not recently and not by @hloe. I'm not sure e8actly what made me come to that reali)ation, but I could say it with certainty. I put on a pair of plastic gloves and began to dig around the place. (fter a while it became clear that I was wrong. /ot only had @hloe not lived here, but no one actually had. There were a lot of details about the place. @lothes for a woman of @hloe's si)e, food rotting in the fridge, a bathroom full of toiletries, but they were all wrong. The clothes in @hloe's style were all brand new, the tags barely torn off and the old clothes weren't anything @hloe would be caught dead in. There was a new roll of toilet paper but no cardboard tubes in the trash. There were bottles of shampoo and conditioner in the shower but they were both e8actly half6full. !irls go through shampoo a hell of a lot faster than conditioner. The kitchen trash had onion peels and egg shells but no bags or wrappers or ;unk mail5 there wasn't even a pi))a coupon in there. *@hloe thought pi))a was gross, it was her one flaw., 'omeone had spent a lot of time and money to make it look like @hloe had lived her, but it was obvious that she never had. The search was no longer about finding leads on @hloe's whereabouts but finding clues to tell me who had done this. &nfortunately, there was nothing to tell me that. I gave one last look around and got out of there before I raised any suspicions. I went back to the car and do)ed for a few hours until I wagered the park manager would be up. 2e was far from being bright6eyed and bushy6tailed, but after I told him my story *and handed him a few twenties, he seemed sympathetic enough. I didn't give him my name though5 he was bound to find out about the broken in window sooner or later. 90eah, I remember the trailer was rented a few weeks ago. It was rented for a single month at a premium.: I nodded. 90ou remember the name they gave.: 2e shrugged. 9 ike I said, 'at a premium.': I sighed a little. 9They paid with cash.: 90eah.: 2e could see he was annoyed so he added. 9I still have the envelope it came in.: 9 et me see it.: 2e moved over to his desk and shuffled through an avalanche of papers. (fter a moment he handed me a small envelope with the address of the trailer and a date from three weeks ago. 9That's it.: I stared at the address. It was @hloe's handwriting. I sat in the car, drinking my second can of cheap, Ce8ican beer. I never drank shit like this before, but prison changes your tastes a lot. (fter a few weeks, I started having cravings for things I

never ate outside5 I dreamed about donuts and Countain Bew every night for a week. 4rison food is worse than they say it is, although I guess anything that comes out of a cafeteria is like that. I crushed the can and looked at the rest of the si86pack. Two beers was probably enough, I'd be calm enough to talk to the Kenyan but not so loose as to give anything away. I looked over at the reason I was drinking. I couldn't figure out why @hloe would have set up the trailer. If she hadn't I was left with the weirder +uestion of how the envelope with her writing was used to pay for the trailer. Was the set up meant for me, the police, or someone else entirely. There were way too many +uestions and not answers in sight. -ut that wasn't even what really I was most concerned about. @hloe had this uni+ue way of writing. I knew a lot of people who had different faces for different people. They had one face for their wife, one for their buddies, one for their boss... stuff like that. @hloe seemed to have a different way of writing for everybody. (nd not ;ust what she wrote or how she did it but the actual writing itself. 'he had this perfect cursive for school and wrote in all caps when she was leaving a note for her parents. The thing that bothered me the most envelope was that it written using the handwriting that she always used for me. The handwriting I knew from notes in class and letters in ;ail. It was simple enough but had little details on letters that made it real pretty. Was she trying to lead me on a wild goose chase or was there some clue to her disappearance that I'd missed. The answer had to be staring me in the face. I belched into my hand ;ust before knocking on the door. It opened immediately after one knock. I looked at the Kenyan suspiciously, wondering why he'd been e8pecting me. 2is face mirrored my own, he watched me sidelong the whole back to his lab. 9!ive me your stupid paper.: 2e handed me the form. 9I guess things didn't go so well.: 9/o shit.: I didn't give him another answer, my pen going wildly across the face of the paper. 9I find some more information for you.: I laugh, suddenly angry and not sure why. 9 ike it's going to help.: I crumble up the paper and throw it at him. 9The fuck.: 9It was a set6upD 'omeone made the trailer look like @hloe had been there but she hadn't. It didn't even look like @hloe had been there. This person had no idea what @hloe was like.: 9The fuck you so mad about.: The Kenyan was backing away, as if from a mad dog. 90ou're going to find me some more information. The only reason you found the information in the first place is because someone wanted you to. She wanted you to. 'he was the one who payed for the trailer in the first place. 'he was ;ust setting things up.: 90ou dumb motherfucker.: The Kenyan had his hand near his gun. 90ou think that's the only e8planation. The whole world revolve around you. Caybe someone else get there first and change the way the trailer is. Caybe someone else is looking for her. Caybe she make a fake trail to put them off. 0ou only think of the dumbest e8planation. (nd if you walk out of here and look by yourself you find nothing. Aust like you find nothing before you come to me.: I wanted to kill him but I knew I could hope to get off an accurate shot before he did. I was angry and tipsy and he was cool as a cucumber. I couldn't hope to kill him if you let me get three shots off before he took his first one. The beer hadn't helped. I wasn't calm, I was acting like an asshole. The worst of it was that he was right5 I saw the handwriting on the envelope and hadn't spent a lot of time considering anything else. It could have been a warning or a clue about her real location. I sat down. 9-ut the money...: 9@ould mean anything.: I didn't have a prayer of finding @hloe on my own. I couldn't even clearly remember how I'd

found out she was missing. 9'orry, I ;ust... 'orry.: 9We find more information.: I shrugged. 9I think I have already.: 9Bid you get anything useful from the envelope.: The Kenyan asked. I sighed. Then something flashed into my mind. It felt like I'd ;ust noticed the guy I was fighting left his chin open for a punch. ( split second of smug ;oy as I knew I was going to break that poor bastard's ;aw. I sat stupidly for a full minute while my brain tried to slosh the information through the two beers. 9I said, 'did you get anything useful from the envelope.': I looked slowly up and asked, 9What envelope.: 9The one that...: The Kenyan trailed off as we came to the same reali)ation. 9I didn't say anything about the money coming in an envelope.: 2is shoulders twitched up. 9( lucky guess.: 9-ullshit.: I stood up. 9Was this a bullshit lead. (re you in on this.: 9In on what.: 2e tried to act casual as he looked around for a way out. 90ou stay right where you are. 0ou might fence some high level shit but you're not e8actly known for having your fingers on the pulse of the city. 0ou'd better have some information about @hloe or this is going to turn real fucking ugly.: 9&gly.: The Kenyan gave a nervous laugh. 9I'm the only one who knows where you can666: I stomped on his foot and shoved him to the ground. I pulled my pistol from its holster and pressed it to the Kenyan's gut. 9-ullshit. If you can find out where she is that means somebody else out there can. These subsonic rounds are getting real pricey you little shit6faced son of a bitch. 'o if the first round don't kill you I'm ;ust going to leave the slug in there and we'll see what happens. What do you figureF some organ ruptures before they get you patched up or the doctor rips a hole in something he shouldn't trying to pull the slug out.: The Kenyan grinned. That was the problem with threatening East (frican criminals, they didn't always have enough brain cells left from the drugs they took. 90ou wanna blow an e8tra hole in me, -en. 'ure, you go right ahead, but then @hloe's really gone for good. 0ou've been tricked you dumb mother fucker. 0ou spent all his time going through that trailer when all you had to do was look up your little sweetie pie.: I pulled the &'4 away. "nly scared people cling to weapons when they ain't doing any good. 9What do you mean. 'he's not missing.: 9/o, no, no. /ot e8actly.: 2e laughed. 'ome private ;oke that was gonna make me take out my frustrations on him with a knife later on. 9There's no @hloe5 look it up. -irth certificate, credit cards, school records, there's nothing to find. 0ou're one of my guinea pigs in the biggest biopsychology breakthroughs in the centuryF synthetic memories.: 9What. -ullshit. 0ou came to "e with information about her, I was already looking for herD 0ou think I don't remember.: 2e laughed louder. 9That's right -en, you re"e"ber.: It was cra)y to think that a girl I had known since childhood was all ;ust a trick of my brain. -ut I could see ;ust by looking at the Kenyan's face that he was telling the truth5 or at least he thought he was. I hauled him up and threw him into the corner, pointing the pistol at him as I opened his laptop. (fter a few minutes of searching, I knew he was telling the truth. 'he wasn't on 1acebook or Cyspace. There were no pictures of her online or mentions of her ?st place at the league track meet senior year. I didn't have any emails from her, I didn't even have any emails mentioning her. I flicked the safety on the &'4 off. 90ou're a dead man.: 9/o, no, no. I don't think so. 0ou kill me and you never see @hloe again. >eal is something she may not be, but I can give you the ne8t best thing. (ll of your memories are in the distant past but there's no reason they have to be. 0ou could remember having lunch with her today or se8 with her last

night. 0ou'll have new memories of her and dream of her every night. -esides, if you spend the rest of your life trying to convince yourself that the love of your life doesn't e8ist, you might go cra)y.: 2e was supremely confident. I wanted to put a bullet in his head ;ust to wipe that smug look off his face. 9If you keep in;ecting fake memories into my head, aren't I ;ust going to go cra)y anyway.: 2e gave me a wicked smile. 9I guess we'll find out, won't we.: 91uck you.: 2is laughter followed me out as I left the lab. I was lying in my on my mattress in the apartment. =H years of memories, and not a single one of them real. I could tell you everything about her. Each of my five senses was imprinted with her sensation. I might as well have ;ust found out that the world was flat. I couldn't think of anything else to do, so I took out my phone and called the only number I knew by heart. 92ello.: 9Com.: 9-en, is that you.: 90eah. I wanted to ask you something.: 'he paused. 9"k, what is it.: 9Bo you remember @hloe. ( girl named @hloe.: 9What girl named @hloe.: 9( cute little blonde girl with blue6green eyes. 'he grew up with me. We went to school together.: 9/o. I don't remember any girl like that.: ( beat. 9What are you doing now, -en.: 9Aust... ;ust makin' do. I'm getting a ;ob as a security guard.: 9Bo they let felons become security guards. 0ou don't mean you're doing anything illegal again, do you -en.: 9/o, Ca, it's nothing like that. It's not with a big company or anything I'm ;ust... workin' for a pawn shop. The guy there believes in second chances.: 'he sighed. 9I'm glad you found something to do so +uickly.: 9Ce too, Ca.: I frowned. 90ou sure you don't remember @hloe.: 9Well, I won't say I remember all of your friends, so if you only brought her by the house once... or never made it to the house... well...: 'he sighed again. 9Why do you want to know.: 9"h, nothing. I ;ust... ran into her... wanted to see if you remembered her.: 90ou called me late at night to ask if I remembered a girl you ran into.: 90eah.... well... you know, she...: I coughed. 9I also ;ust wanted to tell you that I'm ok.: 9I'm glad honey. 0ou know I always want to talk to you, but do you think you could call back when it's not +uite so late.: 90eah, yeah, of course. 'orry. !ood night, Com.: 9!ood night, -en.: 9I love you.: I heard a click. 'he probably hadn't heard what I'd said. If you've ever really loved somebody, you know what I did ne8t. 'omebody once told me they didn't think you could tell the difference between true love and brain damage. I guess in my case they were the same thing. When you're in love, you're willing to do anything for that person. I went back to the Kenyan, told him I would do whatever I wanted, as long as he'd keep giving me memories of @hloe. When you walk into a fast food restaurant you see a picture of a burger that you will never get. ( photographer has carefully painted the meat to look perfectly grilled. The bun is sprayed down with oil to give it an appeti)ing sheen. The lettuce is crisp with hair spray.

The real burger that you're handed is messy. The bun is askew and the condiments are dripping off and the cheese and lettuce don't always end up on the actual burger. -ut it's a sort of perfect imperfection5 messy and delicious. That's the way dreams are supposed to be too. The events were strange and the details were ha)y. -ut at night when I dreamed of @hloe *and I always dreamed of her, my dreams were perfectly scripted5 they were directed like a movie. I was eating the photographer's burger5 with each bite I could taste the paint and the hairspray and knew it was poisoning me. -ut I couldn't put it down. It was two o'clock in the morning and I'd done something horrible. I sat on a rooftop and alternated between thinking about calling my parole officer and ;umping in the river. I can't swim. Caybe the cold water would cool me down before I breathed it in and drowned. I'd killed a child. 2e was young, maybe four years old. 0oung enough to know that you really should be afraid of the dark. "ld enough to understand what I was doing to him. Aust old enough to ask me why I was doing it. @ute and little and perfect in the way that all little kids seemed to be. >uined in the way that no little kid should be5 body twisted and bruised and bloody. The Kenyan wouldn't let me shoot him. I came in through the window with a wrench in my hand. 2e clutched at the covers and asked me who I was. I ripped the soft blanket out his tiny hands as the child's screams pierced the night. I hit him with the wrench again and again and again and again. I forced his head into the wall, into the edge of the bedpost, into the headboard. -lood smeared the room and poured across my hands. I kept hoping the screams would stop. I hoped that someone would hear the screams and end the agony in my chest. The B( would come home to find the body, his own little boy's body, broken in the way that only could do. Killing wasn't easy anymore and I couldn't care less whether I was caught or not. @hloe lay with her head on my chest, our naked bodies wet with sweat in the aftermath of really incredible se8. 2er body shivered against me as her chest heaved. 90ou're shaking.: I said softly. 9'hut up.: 9(re you cold. I can turn up the heat.: 9/o. 'hut up.: 'he put one leg across me and snuggled closer. Whether to warm up or ;ust to get more skin on skin contact, I couldn't say5 I knew better than to talk again at this point. I held her in my arms and resisted the urge to run my hands across her. /ot se8ually but ;ust to touch every inch of how wonderful she was. Even though I felt the urge, I knew it would ruin the moment for her somehow. 'he kissed my neck. 9'orry, I ;ust needed a moment of +uiet.: 9Was I that good.: 'he pinched me. 9"uch.: 90ou deserve that.: 'he sighed. 9I need you, -en 2art. /o matter what about us has changed my need for you has stayed the same. I don't want to think about my life in any fashion without you in it.: It was my turn to sigh. 9(in't gonna happen that way, babe.: 9Why.: I sighed again. 9I'm going back to prison.: 'he got up enough to look at my face. 9Why.: 9/othing... yet. -ut I'm not gonna make it. I'm too far gone for the outside world.:

'he rela8ed back down onto me. 9'o melodramatic. 0ou're a normal person who's done some abnormal things. ( set of circumstances might have come along that made me do the same.: 9/o, not you.: 'he smiled. 9/ever know. -esides, wouldn't all this be worth figuring out some way to 'make it' out here. 0ou could go to bed every night with me here with you.: I blinked back tears. 9It's not that I don't want it @hloe, I ;ust don't think it'll happen.: 90ou could find a ;ob666: 9I don't want a normal ;ob.: 9I could work and you could stay at home666: 9I'm not going to make it, @hlo, I ;ust don't have it in me.: 90ou're not all that bad.: I shook my head. 90ou don't know that.: 9What have you done that's so awful.: 9I killed a childD: The words echoed as I woke. I was left wondering whether I'd shouted them in my sleep. The apartment was silent. "utside even the city itself was +uiet in the long, dark period ;ust before dawn. In my mind, I could still see the Kenyan's inhuman smile on his face. 90ou do gooooood work, my friend. I'm think I'm going to give you an e8tra in;ection ;ust for the good work you do.: I looked woefully at the clock6radio beside my bed before rolling over, hoping the ne8t dream would be happier. I was eating dinner in my apartment when a loud knock came from my door. 9@an I come in.: shouted @hloe. 'he opened the door before I could answer and locked it behind her. I ;umped up. 9What is it, babe. What's wrong.: 'he silenced me with a kiss. 92ush, I can't be here for long, the Kenyan will know something is wrong.: 9The Kenyan. We work together, what's going on. What is he666: 94lease, please, my love, ;ust listen to me now. There are proteins in your brain that help you store memories, I need you to find out how he's preventing them from getting destroyed. Aust get him talking, ask him how he can be sure that you'll retain these memories.: 'he kissed me again. 94lease remember, no matter what happens, that I love you.: I woke up and stared out the window. The sun was blocked by the ne8t apartment building but still burned my eyes. 'omething was incredibly wrong. I reached for my gun until I saw the source of the feeling. 'tanding in the middle of the room. It was @hloe. I started to reach for my gun again then stopped. I blinked. ooked away, looked in the room again. 'he had an apologetic look on her face. 90ou're awake.: 9/o I'm not.: 9It's ok, -en, things have ;ust gotten a little more complicated.:

I put the kitchen bar between us. 9This isn't real.: 'he walked up bar. 9Beep breaths, hon.: I shook my head. 9I knew I shouldn't have let him give me that double hit5 I overdosed on memories.: 9Touch me.: I looked at her hand where she rested it on the bar. 9I... /o.: 9Aust reach out and touch me, if I'm not real.: I swallowed. Cy hand shot out too +uickly, then I slowly touched her. Warm, soft, everything that I'd remembered about her hand. 9This doesn't prove anything.: 90ou ;ust touched meD: 'he shouted, tears of e8asperation or anger leaking out of her eyes. 9I'm hallucinating.: 9What do you want me to do. 2ow can I prove it to youD.: It hurt me to look at her when she was like this. 9Caybe I could ask you some +uestion666: 9E8cept that if I$" a hallucination then I know everything that you do.: I shook my head. 9There must be some way...: 'he was stalking angrily back and forth, looking for something to throw. 9/ot if you demand proof of everything, it's basic @artesian thought.: 9-asic what.: 9It's called @artesian doubt. 'I think therefore I am.' Bescartes tried to prove that he didn't e8ist but the very fact that he was thinking such a thought was proof that he did. If your senses can lie to you, can lie about me, then you can only prove your own e8istence, not mine.: 'he collapsed against the side of the bar, crying. I knelt to wrap my arms around her. 9What about our love.: 'he stopped crying long enough to ask, 9What.: 9Even if I can't prove you're real, isn't my love for you real anyway.: 9That's so cheesy.: 'he covered her face with her hands. 90ou're so stupid.: 'he buried her face in my chest and cried. @hloe was asleep on my mattress. 'he was e8hausted in a way that only really strong feelings can make you. 2er body had been curled up with grief, like her body was hoping that pressure would relieve the feelings of pain in her gut. 'leep had wiped away all traces of pain and she was stretched out on top of the blanket. I looked at her long legs, still as shapely as when she'd been running track. "ne arm was draped across her body, the other other folded up and under her head. In the dim light I could see ;ust enough of her face to know it was her. I reached out to touch her, felt the warmth of her body and brushed the hair away from her face like I had down a thousand times in my memories. I couldn't decide e8actly what was going on but I knew someone who would. When it was dawn I slipped out of the apartment, double checked to make sure my gun was loaded, and drove over to the Kenyan's. "n the car ride over I thought of the two people I had killed for him. I decided that they really hadn't been that different. -oth of them had possibilities. The man in the hotel had been celebrating5 something in his life was going right for him. When you're a kid, everything is going right for you, even when you don't know it. I reali)ed in that moment that I had traded their futures for my past. Cy shitty, make believe past. I wished I'd never been born. I knocked on the door and someone grabbed my hand. I turned to find myself face to face with @hloe. 'he gave me a serious look. 9Whatever you do, don't look at me.: The door opened and I looked from the Kenyan to where @hloe had been and back again in

+uick succession. 90ou ok, man.: I e8haled and shivered. 90eah, ;ust didn't have a good night. I mean, I don't feel so good.: If I was acting weird, I guess the Kenyan was in too good of a mood to notice. @hloe stood up when we entered the lab. 9Bon't worry, he can't see me. (sk him how he can be sure you'll retain the memories.: 9I have a +uestion about all of thisF how can you be sure I'll retain the memories.: The Kenyan chuckled. 9I'm sure, man.: @hloe shook her head. 9/ot good enough.: I folded my arms. 9@onsidering what I've been doing for you, I think I deserve more than that.: The Kenyan eyed me. 9When you start caring about technical stuff.: @hloe gripped her fists in anger. 9Tell him... um...: 9I'm working for free and I don't e8actly have the technical knowledge to reverse engineer what you're doing anyway. @an't I ;ust...: I tried to sound pathetic, 9take a look. Know for sure.: The Kenyan glared at me. @hloe shifted. 9Knock him unconscious5 we may be able to666: 91ine.: The Kenyan spat. 2e tossed me a half inch thick stack of paper. 9Knock yourself out tech man.: 9Is no one gonna let me finish an idea.: @hloe breathed as she came to look over my shoulder. 91ind the table of contents. "k, page IJ. 2mm... ne8t page. /e8t page. /e8t666waitD: 9What.: The Kenyan stared at me. 9What do you mean, 'what.': 9/othing I was ;ust...: 9Tell him you don't understand it.: I coughed. 9I'm not sure I understand what's going on.: 2e laughed. 9I told you, little man, it's too brainy for you.: 2e walked over to take the pages from me but I held on firm. 9We're not done with it yet.: 9'We're.': I swallowed. 90eah, me and you.: I could see the recognition in his eyes. 90ou're hallucinating aren't you.: I lie started on my lips but it was stopped by a reali)ation of my own. 9This has happened before, hasn't it.: 9To all of my little lab rats, e8cept you. &ntil now.: 2e looked at me gravely. 9We don't pull the plug now, your brain turns to 'wiss cheese5 ;ust like the others.: 9What. /oD: I tried to grab his arm, but he pulled away and walked over to his station. 9-en, wait a minute.: I turned my head in surprise. 9I'm not going to lose you.: 9-enD ook outD: I turned and pulled my gun ;ust in time to the Kenyan level his gun at me. 9I will kill you.: 2e laughed. 9What's the point. 0ou're already dead. 0our brain ain't gonna recover. Why don't you ;ust let me put you out of your misery so I can take a look at that brain of yours.: 90ou think I'm going to666: It was an old trick, and one I shouldn't have fallen for. 2e tied my mind up with +uestions, then fired while I was thinking about them. I made up for losing the first shot by putting a small group of shots in his chest. 2e slumped onto the floor and stared stupidly at the ceiling while his bowels loosened. It was the best I've ever felt after I killed a man. 9-en...: @hloe pointed at my stomach and I looked down to see blood soaking through my shirt. I didn't feel it, and that only made me more nervous. There's not much in the way of empty space for a bullet to pass through5 your guts are as tightly packed as a ;igsaw pu))le. There was a very large chance

that something very important had a hole in it. 9Aesus, -en. I'm going to call 7??, but you've got to put this formula together, it could save your life.: I stared at her dumbly. I was gut6shot and she was playing chemistry. 9Aust do it, -en, the ambulance is on its way.: I was back in my high school chemistry lab, looking at @hloe's notes and desperately trying to come up with whatever screwy modern day potion the professor wanted. I only had one hand to use since the other one was pressing a wash cloth against my bloody stomach. (fter a time I had a weird li+uid the color of bubblegum. 'he pressed the measuring cup into my hand and made me drink it. 9I'm so sorry, -en, I love you.: The thick li+uid slide down my throat. If it made any difference to my wound I didn't notice it. I didn't notice anything different at all. -ut now I couldn't remember e8actly what she had said it'd do. I turned to ask her, but I didn't see her. The reali)ation surrounded me like a plunge into free)ing water. I was forgetting her. The synthetic memories were slipping from my mind like water held in the hands. 'uddenly my thoughts were all I had of her. I forced my mind to think of what we had done. I could almost picture it, almost hear her voice, and smell her perfume. Caybe if I ;ust thought about it long enough666 I started as the test tube rolled off the table and shattered on floor. I looked down at my bloody hands and then back at the Kenyan's apartment, confused. There had been something that seemed desperately important in here and now I couldn't think of what it was. I closed my eyes and dreamed of a beautiful blonde girl. If it was important, I'd remember.