The Origins of the Minion – the truth about a fascinating and emergent

subculture.

I am part of a collective1, a group consciousness that calls itself minions. My

name is Charlotte Harvey and I rally all of three members of this strange
subculture. Last night I came close to arrest for hanging propaganda in the name
of our Overlord Misha.
Matt and I should have known better than to take the ponies up to the top of the
bridge but it was just too temping. Maybe people thought we we’re trying to
jump, who knows, but the police soon arrived. The guy (think Chief Wiggum but
less yellow and British) looked at Matt, who had his uniformed tied round his
head2, then at me grinning dementedly and I was sure we were getting a lift
home; but being trained in the minion art of confusion we prevailed. Where
would the ponies travel? Putting them in the boot would only lead to further
equine fatalities and going to prison would mean our wheat crops failing. After a
lengthy battle we convinced the poor civilian that it was only a stunt for
someone’s birthday, we were sorry and that we would never dream of doing such
a thing again. The fool failed to notice the sign said ‘Prepare for the Mint-
Chocolate Experience’ but he can’t help that our local police have very low
standards.
I won’t lie, the though of going to prison for Misha Collins was not an appealing
thought3, after all he’s not the centre of the
universeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Sorry I just got struck by lightening – Tingly, I’m okay. What we do may be
completely off the map and it has grown into an obsession but I’m taking a
combination of acetaminophen and loratadine4 on a regular basis to help curb
the symptoms.

As I’m sure you are aware major news stations have been reporting on the
minion phenomenon with varying degrees of accuracy. Several have reported
that minions are in fact grown in interconnecting caves that stretch from Tehran
to Stonehenge. Which of course we all know is true but it was supposed to be a
secret. Maybe one of the 18,000 who deserted #mishasminions made a quick
buck talking to the tabloids. Nobody knows for sure where the leak came from
but to set the record straight here’s the real story.
In 1998 a young man fell down an air vent, into the above mentioned caves, to
find himself in an underground base surrounded by military types. In the face of
danger and submachine guns he did not panic. Using only ferocious thumb
wrestling, strong powers of confusion and a smart mouth, he overtook the
complex with ease.
Of course this brave young man was our beloved Overlord Misha. He discovered
that they had been trying to create the perfect soldiers and spies. Now
throughout his life he had often dreamed of world domination and had explored a
career in politics to achieve this aim but it was never going to be enough.
Knowing this he immediately took over the project. Taking command of the
scientists he reprogrammed the existing soldiers and began working on a new
breed – the minion.
These minions emerge from the caves at various ages and are integrated into
civilian families. Most forget this ever happened to them but all are called back
to the cause. They are reactivated by various signs that the Great Confuser
sends out at timed intervals, the biggest to date being the angel in a trench coat,
which brought Misha’s plan for takeover into the public consciousness.
Subsequent to reactivation the minion can rarely even remember life before
Misha, which makes them extremely difficult to reprogram.
To date only the Overlord Misha himself knows the true reaches of his minions
and insider reports suggest that he lost most of the records escaping his own
execution. The numbers are set to rise dramatically, if the damn lazy scientists
would only quit petting the goats and get back to work. Until that happens it
seems to be up to the active minions to recruit civilians.
Yes our numbers may be vague and our plans illusive5 but we are many. An army
under one Misha Collins, who may not be able to stay on a bike, or maintain a
sundial, and should not be allowed to keep pets, stillhe does inspire his troops
regardless. We are loyal, we are minions.

So now you know the real story of how we came into existence, it is written into
our very genetic code. It has been said we are a cult but in fact we are a species.
Everything I have here is completely true and all minions are liars. Honest.6

Footnotes
1
Not to be confused with the Borg collective from the Star Trek franchise
although we may use twitter as a hive mind and resisting the allure of Misha is
futile we do not condone the use of giant honking space guns. Or the slightly
crappier recycled Andromeda version the Consensus of Parts.
2
Matt is extremely, painfully shy and before we go do something stupid he
usually consumes copious quantities of vodka. Hence the t-shirt used like a
Rambo headband. (Vodka + High bridge, not recommended kiddies) We WILL try
this stunt again, it is our Everest.
3
With Misha Collins that would be a different story plus Matt is far too pretty to
go to a big boys prison if you get my drift.
4
Look them up people, do some goddamn legwork. Or hand work I suppose.
5
Seriously does Misha himself even know? Gain world domination, how bloody
vague can orders get? Is it by any means necessary? Are there rules? Do I need
to start buttering people up for alibis? We need a little direction and our leader
always seems to be either missing or captive. Anyone else getting that sinking
feeling?
6
I throw myself on your mercy and I ask of you, no public flogging, please?