Joke

r’s
Bas
ket
Volume
2
(2009)

Bernard
Sinai

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 The Joker

About this Volume

Hi all,

And thank you for taking the time to

read my 2nd volume of jokes. Unlike
volume 1 I have, I have included a
picture section.

This section contains a collection of

funny pictures (or what I think is
funny). The pictures and the jokes are
not mine. I have simple compiled
these joke and published them in the
hope that everyone gets to enjoy
them.

Readers should also beware that some

jokes may contain sexually explicit,
racist and or foul language. I assure
you they are not intended to cause
any discomfort to the persons reading
them. If they do then I apologize. I ask
readers to keep an open mind.

I am currently working on a 3rd volume

and would like contributions. If you
have any jokes that you would like to
share, please email them to
scarburner@gmail.com. You will be
credited for your contributions.

At the end of a rough day, the best

medicine is laughter so if you want t0
share this document or jokes with
anyone, please do so. A true joke is
alive only when it is shared by people
and laughter is truly happy when
shared with others.

Many happy laughs and grins,

Bernard Sinai
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Table of Contents
About this Volume..............................2
Laughter, the Best Medicine...............4
1. Wife 1.0 Operating System.......4
2. Private Viewing.........................4
3. A Night of Mistaken Passion......5
4. A Month Overdue......................5
5. Is Your Daddy Home?................6
6. Better New Than Old.................6
7. Sword Play................................7
8. New Cowboy Boots...................7
9. Saudi Sex and Dancing.............7
10. Cup of Tea..............................8
11. Jamaican Law............................8
12. A Horse Named Marylou........9
13. Theory of Evolution................9
14. Life Sentence.........................9
15. Tickets Please......................10
16. Chewing Gum Makers..........10
17. Wireless Technology.............11
18. The Spoon............................11
19. Remembering George..........12
20. Broom Factory......................13
21. ID 10 T Errors.......................13
22. Sales & Marketing 101: Know
Your Customer...............................13
23. How Fights Start...................14
24. Definitions from the Book of
Laughs...........................................15
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25. English 101: Mexican Edition
16
26. The Wedding Ring................17
27. Sydney AM Talk Show...........17
28. Gender Roles........................19
29. Nine Statements & Words
Women Use...................................19
Pictures are Worth a Thousand Laughs
.........................................................20
30. Wash Instructions.................20
31. How to: Safe Sex..................20
32. Theory of WMD – Iraq...........21
33. Banana Bandit.....................21
34. FIRE!....................................21
35. B.I.T.C.H...............................22
36. Homo Evolution....................22
37. Attention Grabber................22
38. A Man’s Table.......................22
39. Nasty Nana..........................23
40. The Perfect Husband............23
41. Quote of the Day..................23
42. Nokia Auto 7 Series..............23
43. Cross Breeding.....................24
44. Twister..................................24
45. Public Impoolation................24
46. The Mysteries of Nature.......24
47. Hanging Hard On.................26
48. Up Your Arse!.......................27
49. To Have and To Hold…..........27
50. Chinese 101.........................27
4 | Page

Laughter, the Best
Medicine
1. Wife 1.0 Operating
System
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend
7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the
new program began unexpected child
processing that took up a lot of space
and valuable resources. In addition,
Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other
programs and now monitors all other
system activity like my applications
such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0,
Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing
3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in
the background while at tempting to
run my favorite applications! I'm
thinking about going back to Girlfriend
7.0, but the un-install doesn't work on
Wife 1.0. Please help!
//
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that
men complain about. Many people
upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife
1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities
and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0
is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is
designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to
delete Wife 1.0 and to return to
Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to un-
install, or purges the program files
from the system once installed. You
cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0
because Wife 1.0 is designed to not
5 | Page
allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0
manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child
Support. I recommend that you keep
Wife1.0 and work on improving the
situation. I suggest installing the
background application "Yes Dear" to
alleviate software augmentation. The
best course of action is to enter the
command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the
APOLOGIZE command before the
system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it
tends to be very high maintenance.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support
programs, such as Clean and Sweep
3.0, Cook It 1.5, and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will
cause the system to launch the
program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this
happens, the only way to improve the
performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase
additional software. I recommend
Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any
circumstances, install Secretary With
Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not
supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause
irreversible damage to the operating
system. It may even crash your
system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
X67861
2. Private Viewing
An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living in
a nursing home. One day he appeared
to be very sad and depressed. Nurse
Tracy asked him if there was anything
wrong, “Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said Mr.
Wallace. “My Private Part died today,
and I am very sad.” Knowing her
patients were a little forgetful and
sometimes a little crazy, she replied,
“Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace. Please
accept my condolences.” The
following day, Mr. Wallace was walking
down the hall with his Private Part
hanging out of his pajamas. He met
Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Wallace,” she said,
“you shouldn't be walking down the
hall like that. Please put your Private
Part back inside your pajamas.” “But,
Nurse Tracy I can't,” replied Mr.
Wallace. “I told you yesterday that my
Private Part died.” “Yes”, said Nurse
Tracy, “you did tell me that, but why is
it hanging out of your pajamas?”
(You've gotta love this.) “Well,” he
replied, “today is the viewing”.
3. A Night of Mistaken
Passion
After a long night of making love, the
young guy rolled over and pulled out a
cigarette from his jeans, then
searched for his lighter. Unable to find
it, he asked the girl if she had a light.
“There might be some matches in the
top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside
table and found a box of matches
sitting on top of a framed picture of
another man. Naturally, the guy began
to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired
nervously.
6 | Page
“No, silly,” she replied snuggling up to
him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling
away at his ear.”
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the
bewildered guy.
Calmly the girl replied, “That's me
before the operation.”
4. A Month Overdue
Mr. Verma comes home one night, and
his wife throws her arms around his
neck: “I have great news: I’m a month
overdue. I think we're going to have a
baby! The doctor gave me a test
today, but until we find out for sure,
we can’t tell anybody.”
The next day, Mrs. Verma receives a
telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad
Electric Company) because the
electricity bill has not been paid.
“Am I speaking to Mrs. Verma?”
“Yes ...... speaking”
AEC guy: “You're a month overdue,
you know!”
“How do YOU know?” stammers the
young woman
“Well, ma'am, it's in our files” says the
AEC guy.
“What are you saying? It's in your
files...... HOW?????”
“Yes .............. We have a system of
finding out who's overdue.”

“GOD!!!!!! .......... This is too much
..........!!”
“Madam, I am sorry...... I am following
orders.... I have to inform you are
overdue.”
“I know that ........ Let me talk to my
husband about this tonight.....he will
speak to your company tomorrow.”
That night, she tells her husband
about the phone call, and he, mad as
a bull, rushes to AEC office the next
day morning.
“What's going on? You have it on file
that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours!?” the
husband shouts.
“Just calm down”, says the lady at the
reception at AEC, “it's nothing serious.
All you have to do is pay us.”
“PAY you? And if I refuse?”
“Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no
option but to cut yours off!!”
“And what would my wife do then?”
the husband asks.
“I don't know. I guess she'd have to
use a candle.”
5. Is Your Daddy Home?
The boss of a big company needed to
call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main
computers. He dialed the employee's
home phone number and was greeted
with a child's whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience
of having to talk to a youngster the
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boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small
voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No”.
Knowing that it was not likely that a
young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a
message with the person who should
be there watching over the child.
“Is there anyone there besides you?”
the boss asked the child.
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a
policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing
at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he's busy,” whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?” asked the boss.
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the
fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried
as he heard what sounded like a
Helicopter through the ear piece on
the phone the boss asked, “What is
that noise?”
“A hello-copper,” answered the
whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the
boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child
answered, “The search team just
landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than
just a little frustrated, the boss asked,
“Why are they there?”
Still whispering, the young voice
replied along with a muffled giggle,
“They're looking for me.”
6. Better New Than Old
An old lady stood at the railing of a
cruise ship, holding on tight to her hat
so that it wouldn't blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said,
“Pardon my forwardness, madam, but
were you aware that your dress is
blowing up in the wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “But I
need both hands to hold onto this
hat.”
“But madam,” the gentleman said in a
worried tone, “you must know that
your private parts are exposed!”
The old lady glanced down, then back
up at the man and replied,
"Sir, anything you see down there is
85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!”
7. Sword Play
Two bums were sitting on a street
curb, bored as ever. Then, one of them
8 | Page
got an idea, saying “I know, let's play
swords!”
“Play swords?” asked the other.
“How?”
“Simple. Whip it out, smack it till it's
hard, and we both whack'em together
like swords.”
So they did, and they were running up
and down the street, smacking their
dicks together playing swords.
Then, a gay man walked up to them
and inquired about their actions.
“We're playing swords!” yelled one of
the bums.
The gay man wanted to play too. An
hour later, the gay man was becoming
exhausted. “I'm tired,” he said. He
bent over saying, “Oh, just kill me! Kill
me!!”
8. New Cowboy Boots
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are
‘seniors’ in Texas. Ray always wanted
a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys
them, wears them home, walking
proudly. He walks into the house and
says to his wife: “Notice anything
different about me?”
Bessie looks him over, “Nope”.
Frustrated Ray storms off into the
bathroom, undresses, and walks back
into the room completely naked
except for the boots. Again, he asks, a
little louder this time, “Notice anything
DIFFERENT NOW?”
Bessie looks up and says, “Ray, what's
different? It's hanging down today, it
was hanging down yesterday, and it'll
be hanging down again tomorrow.”
Furious, Ray yells: “AND DO YOU
KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN,
BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN
BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW
BOOTS!”
To which Bessie calmly replies,
“Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda
bought a hat.”
9. Saudi Sex and Dancing
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla,
preparing for their wedding, meet with
their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last
questions before they leave. Ahmed
asks, “We realize it’s tradition in Islam
for men to dance with men, and
women to dance with women. But, at
our wedding reception, we'd like your
permission to dance together.”
“Absolutely not,” says the Mullah. “It’s
immoral. Men and women always
dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even
dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the Mullah, “It’s
forbidden in Islam.”
“Well, okay,” says Ahmed, “What
about sex? Can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the Mullah, “Allah
Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK within
marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks
the man.
9 | Page
“Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no
problem),” says the Mullah.
“Woman on top?” Ahmed asks.
“Sure,” says the Mullah. “Allah Akbar.
Go for it!”
“Doggy style?”
“Sure! Allah Akbar!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!”
“Can I do it with all my four wives
together on rubber sheets with a
bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,
leather harnesses, a bucket of honey
and a porno video?”
“You may indeed. Allah Akbar!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“No, absolutely not!” says the Mullah.
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Because that could lead to dancing!”
10.Cup of Tea
One day my mother was out and my
dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone
had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift
and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room en
grossed in the evening news when I
brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea',
which was just water. After several
cups of tea and lots of praise for such
yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living
room to watch me bring him a cup of
tea, because it was ‘just the cutest
thing!' My Mom waited, and sure
enough, here I come down the hall
with a cup of tea for Daddy and she
watches him drink it up.
Then she says, (as only a mother
would know.) “Did it ever occur to
you that the only place she can reach
to get water is the toilet?”
11.Jamaican Law
A lawyer and a Jamaican are sitting
next to each other on a long flight. The
lawyer is thinking that Jamaicans are
so dumb that he can fool them easy...
So the lawyer asks if the Jamaican
would like to play a fun game.
The Jamaican is tired and just wants to
take a nap, so he politely declines and
tries to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and says that the
game is a lot of fun. “I ask you a
question, and if you don't know the
answer, you pay me only $5; you ask
me one, and if I don't know the
answer, I will pay you $500.”
This catches the Jamaican's attention
and to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.
The lawyer asks the first question.
“What's the distance from The Earth to
the moon?”
The Jamaican doesn't say a word,
reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-
dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it’s the Jamaican's turn.
10 | Page
He asks the lawyer, “What goes up a
hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?”
The lawyer uses his laptop, searches
all the references he knows. He uses
the air-phone; he searches the Net and
even the Library of Congress. He
sends e-mails to all the smart friends
he knows, all to no avail.
After one hour of searching, he finally
gives up.
He wakes up the Jamaican and hands
him $500.
The Jamaican pockets the $500 goes
right back to sleep.
The lawyer is going nuts not knowing
the answer. He wakes the Jamaican up
and asks,
“Well, so what goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?”
The Jamaican reaches in his pocket,
hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to
sleep.
12.A Horse Named
Marylou
A guy is sitting quietly reading his
paper when his wife sneaks up behind
him and whacks him on the head with
a frying pan. “What was that for?” he
asks.
“That was for the piece of paper in
your pants pocket with the name
Marylou written,” she replies.
“Two weeks a go when I went to the
races, Marylou was the name of one of
the horses I bet on,” he explains.
She looks satisfied and apologizes.
Three days later he's again sitting in
his chair reading when she nails him
with an even bigger pan, knocking him
out cold. When he comes to stand, he
asks, “What the hell was that for?”
“Your horse phoned!”
13.Theory of Evolution
A little boy asked his mother, “How did
the human race appear?”
The mother answered, “God made
Adam and Eve and they had children
and so was
all mankind made.”
Two days later the boy asked his father
the same question. The father
answered, “Many years ago there
were monkeys from which the
human race
evolved.”
The confused boy returned to his
mother and said, “Mum, how is it
possible
that you told me the human race was
created by God, and Dad said they
developed from monkeys?”
The mother answered, “Well, dear, it is
very simple. I told you about my
side of the family and your father told
you about his.”
14.Life Sentence
A woman awakes during the night to
find that her husband was not in their
bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and
goes downstairs to look for him.
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She finds him sitting at the kitchen
table with a hot cup of coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep
thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from
his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
“What's the matter, dear?” she
whispers as she steps into the room,
“Why are you down here at this time
of night?”
The husband looks up from his coffee,
“I am just remembering when we first
met 20 years ago and started dating.
You were only 16. Do you remember
back then?” he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking
that her husband is so caring, so
sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were
not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father
caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember!” said the wife,
lowering herself into a chair beside
him.
The husband continues. “Do you
remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my face and said, “Either
you marry my daughter, or I will send
you to jail for 20 years?””
“I remember that too”, she replies
softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek
and says ...
'I would have been released
today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
of the Kiwis leaves the toilet and walks
over to the toilet where the Aussies
are hiding. He knocks on the door and
says,”Ticket please.”

16.Chewing Gum Makers

15.Tickets Please
An Englishman is having breakfast, in
Three Australians and three kiwis are
Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants,
travelling by train to a cricket match at
bread, butter, and jam) when a
the World Cup in England. At the
Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits
station, the three Aussies each buy a
down next to him. The Englishman
ticket and watch as the three kiwis
ignores the Frenchman who,
buy just one ticket between them.
nevertheless, starts a conversation.
"How are the three of you going to
Frenchman: “You English folks eat the
travel on only one ticket?" asks one of
whole bread?”
the Aussies. "Watch and learn,"
answers one of the Kiwis. They all
Englishman (in a bad mood): “Of
board the train. The Aussies take their
course.”
respective seats but all three kiwis
cram into a toilet and close the door
Frenchman (after blowing a huge
behind them. Shortly after the train
bubble): “We don’t. In France, we only
has departed, the conductor comes
eat what’s inside. The crusts we
around collecting tickets.
collect in container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell
He knocks on the toilet door and says,
them to England.” The Frenchman has
"Ticket please."The door opens just a
a smirk on his face.
crack and a single arm emerges with a
ticket in hand. The conductor takes it
The Englishman listens in silence.
and moves on. The Aussies see this
and agree it was quite a clever idea.
The Frenchman persists: “Do you eat
So after the game, they decide to copy
jam with the bread??”
the Kiwis on the return trip and save
some money (being clever with
Englishman: “Of course.”
money, and all that).
Frenchman (cracking his bubble gum
When they get to the station, they buy
between his teeth and chuckling): “We
a single ticket for the return trip. To
don’t. In France we eat fresh fruit for
their astonishment, the Kiwis don't
breakfast, then we put all the peels,
buy a ticket at all !!"How are you
seeds, and leftovers in containers,
going to travel without a ticket?" says
recycle them, transform them into
one perplexed Aussie."Watch and
jam, and sell the jam to England.”
learn," answers a Kiwi. When they
board the train the three Aussies cram
After a moment of silence, the
into a toilet and soon after the three
Englishman then asks: “Do you have
Kiwis cram into another nearby. The
sex in France?”
train departs. Shortly afterwards, one
12 | Page

Frenchman: “Why of course we do,” he
says with a big smirk.
Englishman: 'And what do you do with
the condoms once you've used them?'
Frenchman: 'We throw them away, of
course.'
Englishman: 'We don't. In England, we
put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into bubble-gum, and
sell them to France.’
17.Wireless Technology
An American, a German and a
Japanese guy are golfing one day and,
at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone
ring.
The American excuses himself, puts
his left thumb to his ear, his left baby
finger to his mouth and proceeds to
have a telephone conversation.
When he is done, he looks at the other
two and says "Oh, that's the latest
American technology in cell phones. I
have a chip in my thumb and one in
my baby finger and the antenna is in
my hat. Great stuff eh?"
They continue golfing until the 9th
hole when, again, they hear a phone
ring.
The German tilts his head to one side
and proceeds to have a conversation
with someone in German. When he
finishes, he explains to the other two
that he has the latest in German
technology cell phones.
"A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear
and the antenna is inserted in my
13 | Page
spine. Ah the wonders of German
know-how!"
At the 13th hole, a phone rings again
and upon hearing it, the Japanese
fellow disappears into some nearby
bushes. The German and the American
look at each other and then walk over
and peer into the bushes. In the
middle of the bushes is the Japanese
fellow, squatting with his pants down
around his ankles. "What on earth are
you doing?" asks the American. The
Japanese fellow looks up and replies
"Waiting for a fax".
18.The Spoon
A lesson on how consultants can make
a difference in an organization.
Last week, we took some friends to a
new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and
noticed that the waiter who took our
order carried a spoon in his shirt
pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the
busboy brought our water and
utensils, I observed that he also had a
spoon in his shirt pocket.
Then I looked around and saw that all
the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve
our soup I inquired, “Why the spoon?”
“Well,” he explained, “the restaurant's
owner hired Andersen Consulting to
revamp all of our processes. After
several months of analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the
most frequently dropped utensil. It
represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per
hour.
If our personnel are better prepared, wisdom that always leaves a tear in
we can reduce the number of trips our eyes.
back to the kitchen and save 15 man-
hours per shift.” 'The vast majority of our
As luck would have it, I dropped my imports come from outside
spoon and he replaced it with his the country.'
spare.”'I'll get another spoon next - George W. Bush
time I go to the kitchen instead of
making an extra trip to get it right 'If we don't succeed, we run
now.” I was impressed.
the risk of failure.'
I also noticed that there was a string - George W. Bush
hanging out of the waiter's fly.
'One word sums up
Looking around, I saw that all of the probably the responsibility
waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies. So, before he walked of any Governor, and that
off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, one word is 'to be
but can you tell me why you have that prepared'.'
string right there?” -George W. Bush
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his
voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. 'I have made good
That consulting firm I mentioned also judgments in the past. I
learned that we can save time in the have made good judgments
restroom. in the future.'
- George W. Bush
By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out
without touching it and eliminate the 'The future will be better
need to wash our hands, shortening tomorrow.'
the time spent in the restroom by - George W. Bush
76..39%.

I asked quietly, 'After you get it out,

'We're going to have the
how do you put it back?' best educated American
people in the world.'
“Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know - George W. Bush
about the others, but I use the spoon.”
'I stand by all the
19.Remembering George misstatements that I've
George W Bush Jnr will always be made.'
remembered as the man who invaded - George W Bush
Irag but he left us with words of
‘we have a firm
14 | Page
commitment to NATO; we
are a part of NATO. We have
a firm commitment
to Europe. We are a part
of Europe '
- George W. Bush
'Public speaking is very
easy.'
- George W. Bush
'A low voter turnout is an
indication of fewer people
going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush
'I have opinions of my own
-- strong opinions -- but I
don't always agree with
them.'
-George Bush
'We are ready for any
unforeseen event that may
or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush
'For NASA, space is still a
high priority.'
-George W. Bush
'Quite frankly, teachers are
the only profession that
teach our children.'
-George W. Bush
'It isn't pollution that's
harming the environment.
15 | Page
It's the impurities in our air
and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush
20.Broom Factory
A young Southern peasant girl of
fourteen went to work in a broom
factory.
After 2 months she gave the boss a
two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her
go since she was hard working, knew
her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, "But
why?" he asked.
"Nothin, I just wanna quit that's all,"
she said sullenly.
"Look, I'll give you a raise." "No," she
said.
"You can't just quit like that. There
must be a reason. Tell me."
"Okay if you must know..." said the
girl, and she took off her underwear
and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look, I
haven't had this before, it's the
broom's bristles, I tell you..."
Tickled by her innocence, he too took
off his underwear and showed his, and
said, "Ha ha...my dear, it's nature.
Look, I have it, too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait
two weeks, I quit now! Not only do
you have the bristles, but you've
grown the handle as well."
 21.ID 10 T Errors
I was having trouble with my
computer. So I called Richard, the 11
year old next door whose bedroom
looks like Mission Control, and asked
him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons
and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after
him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but
nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID Ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to
fix it again.'
Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever
heard of an ID ten T error before?''
No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think
you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote it down: ID10T
I used to like the little shit.
22.Sales & Marketing 101:
Know Your Customer
A disappointed salesman of Coca Cola
returns from his Middle East
assignment.
A friend asked, "Why weren't you
successful with the Arabs?"
The salesman explained. "When I got
posted in the Middle East, I was very
confident that I would make a good
sales pitch as Cola is virtually
unknown there. But, I had a problem I
didn't know to speak Arabic.
16 | Page
So, I planned to convey the message
through three posters...
First poster: A man lying in the hot
desert sand...totally exhausted and
fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking
our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally
refreshed. And then these posters
were pasted all over the place.”
“Then that should have worked!” said
the friend.
“The hell it should have!” said the
salesman. “I didn't realize that
Arabs read from right to left!”
23.How Fights Start
My wife sat down on the couch next to
me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
My wife was hinting about what she
wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that
goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
When I got home last night, my wife
demanded that I take her someplace
expensive... so, I took her to a gas
station.
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
After retiring, I went to the Social
Security office to apply for Social
Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in
my pockets and realized I had left my
wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was
very sorry, but I would have to go
home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my
curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver
hair on your chest is proof enough for
me' and she processed my Social
Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my
wife about my experience at the Social
Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
My wife and I were sitting at a table at
my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby
table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'she’s my old girlfriend.
I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years
17 | Page
ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, “who would
think a person could go on celebrating
that long?”
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
I took my wife to a restaurant. The
waiter, for some reason, took my order
first.
"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare,
please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the
mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And then the fight started...
------------------------------------------------------
----
A woman is standing nude, looking in
the bedroom mirror. She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her
husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat
and ugly. I really need you to pay me a
compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's
damn near perfect.'
And then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------
----
I tried to talk my wife into buying a
case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead,
she bought a jar of cold cream for
$7.95.
I told her the beer would make her
look better at night than the cold
cream.
And then the fight started....
------------------------------------------------------
----
My wife asked me if a certain dress
made her butt look big. I told her not
as much as the dress she wore
yesterday
and then the fight started.....
------------------------------------------------------
----
A man and a woman were asleep like
two innocent babies.
kitchen?”
And that's when the fight started....
------------------------------------------------------
----
My wife and I are watching Who Wants
to Be a Millionaire while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you
want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, She didn't even look at me this time,
a loud noise came from outside. simply saying “Yes.”

The woman, bewildered, jumped up So I said, “Then I'd like to phone a

from the bed and yelled at the man friend.”
“Holy
crap. That must be my husband!” And that's when the fight started....

So the man jumped out of the bed;

scared and naked jumped out the 24.Definitions from the
window. He smashed himself on the Book of Laughs
ground, ran through a thorn bush and
School: A place where Papa pays and
to his car as fast as he could go.
Son plays.
A few minutes later he returned and
Life Insurance: A contract that
went up to the bedroom and screamed
keeps you poor all your life so that you
at the woman, “I AM your husband!”
can die Rich.
The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to
why were you running?'
give you sleeping pills.
And then the fight started.....
Marriage: It's an agreement in which
------------------------------------------------------
a man loses his bachelor degree
----
and a woman gains her masters.
I asked my wife, “Where do you want
to go for our anniversary?”
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
It warmed my heart to see her face
Tears: The hydraulic force by which
melt in sweet appreciation.
masculine willpower is defeated by
“Somewhere I
feminine waterpower.
haven't been in a long time!” she said.
Lecture: An art of transferring
So I suggested, “How about the
information from the notes of the
18 | Page
Lecturer
to the notes of the students without
passing through 'the minds of either'.
Conference: The confusion of one
man multiplied by the number
present.
Compromise: The art of dividing a
cake in such a way that everybody
believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary: A place where success
comes before work.
Conference Room: A place where
everybody talks, nobody listens and
everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the
rest.... except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you
are late and late when you are early.
Politician: One who shakes your
hand before elections and your
confidence later.
Doctor:
A person who kills your ills by pills,
and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise,
but do not read.
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of
things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax
after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married
men ever get to open their mouth.
19 | Page
Etc.: A sign to make others believe
that you now more than you actually
do.
Committee: Individuals who can do
nothing individually and sit to decide
that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to
their mistakes.
Atom Bomb: An invention to end all
inventions.
Philosopher: A fool who torments
himself during life, to be spoken of
when dead.
25.English 101: Mexican
Edition
LEARN TO SPEAK ENGLISH THE
MEXICAN WAY
Mexican words of the day
1. *Cheese*
The teacher told Pepito to use the
word cheese in a sentence.
Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but
cheese fat.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car,
there's not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but
she didn't know how to read so I
shoulder.
4. * Texas *
My fren always Texas me when I'm not
home wondering where I'm at!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got
mine piece and she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to tha store
and July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my
wife but chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but
don't worry wheelchair
10. *Chicken wing*
My wife plays the lottery so chicken
wing.
11. *Harassment*
My wife caught me in bed with another
women and I told her honey
harassment nothing to me.
12. *Bishop*
My wife fell down the stair so I had to
pick the bishop.
13. *Body wash*
I want to go to the club but no body
wash my kids.
14. *Budweiser*
That women over there has a nice
body, budweiser face so ugly
26.The Wedding Ring
A man went to the hospital in Gympie,
Queensland; to have his wedding
ring cut off from his penis.
According to the nurse attending the
operation, the patient's
20 | Page
girlfriend found the ring in his pants
pocket.
She didn't know he was married and
she was so mad, that she used
petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his
penis while he was asleep.
I don't know what's worse: having your
girlfriend find out you’re married;
explaining to your wife how your
wedding ring got on your penis,
or;Finding out your penis fits through
your wedding ring.
27.Sydney AM Talk Show
This got the whole of Sydney laughing.
Read it and you'll see why! Just
imagine sitting in traffic on your way
to work and hearing this. Many Sydney
folks did hear this on the FOX FM
morning show in Sydney.
The DJs play a game where they award
winners great prizes. The game is
called "Mate Match". The DJs call
someone at work and ask if they are
married or seriously involved with
someone. If the contestant answers
“yes”, he or she is then asked 3
random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the
name of their partner with (phone
number) for verification. If their
partner answers those same three
questions correctly, they both win the
prize.
One particular game, however, several
months ago made the Harbor City
drop to its knees with laughter and is
possibly the funniest thing you've
heard yet.
Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: “Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have
you ever heard of ‘Mate Match’?”
Contestant: (laughing) “Yes, I have.”
DJ: “Great! Then you know we're
giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if
you win. What is your name? First
only please.”
Contestant: “Brian.”
DJ: “Brian, are you married or what?”
Brian: (laughing nervously) “Yes, I am
married.”
DJ: “Thank you. Now, what is your
wife's name? First only please.”
Brian: “Sarah.”
DJ: “Is Sara at work, Brian?”
Brian: “She is gonna kill me.”
DJ: “Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at
work?”
Brian: (laughing) “Yes, she's at work.”
DJ: “Okay, first question - when was
the last time you had sex?"
Brian: “About 8 o'clock this morning.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: (laughing sheepishly) “Well...”
DJ: “Question #2 - How long did it
last?”
Brian: “About 10 minutes.”
21 | Page
DJ: “Wow! You really want that trip,
huh? No one would ever have said
that if a trip wasn’t at stake.”
Brian: “Yeah, that trip sure would be
nice.”
DJ: “Okay, final question. Where did
you have sex at 8 o'clock this
morning?”
Brian: (laughing hard) “I, ummm, I,
well...”
DJ: “This sounds good. Where was it
at?”
Brian: “Not that it was all that great,
but her mum is staying with us for
couple of weeks...”
DJ: “Uh huh...”
Brian: “...and the Mother-In-Law was in
the shower at the time.”
DJ: “Atta boy, Brian.”
Brian: “On the kitchen table.”
DJ: “Not that great?? That is more
adventure than the previous hundred
times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put
Brian on hold, get his wife’s work
number and call her up. You listen to
this."
[3 minutes of commercials follow.]
DJ: “Okay audience; let’s call Sarah,
shall we?” (Touch tones are ringing....)
Clerk: “Kinkos.”
DJ: “Hey, is Sarah around there
somewhere?”
Clerk: “This is she.”
DJ: “Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We
are live on the air right now and I've
been talking with Brian for a couple of
hours now.”
Sarah: (laughing) “A couple of hours?”
DJ: “Well, a while now. He is on the line
with us. Brian knows not to give any
answers away or you'll lose.
Sooooooo... do you know the rules of
‘Mate Match’?”
Sarah: “No.”
DJ: “Good!”
Brian: (laughing)
Sarah: (laughing) “Brian, what the
hell are you up to?”
Brian: (laughing) “Just answer his
questions honestly, okay? Be
completely honest.”
DJ: “Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure. Now, I will
ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
answers match Brian’s answers, then
the both of you will be off to the Gold
Coast for 5 days on us.”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Alright. When did you last have
sex, Sarah?”
Sarah: “Oh God, Brian....uh, this
morning before Brian went to work.”
DJ: “What time?”
Sarah: “Around 8 this morning.”
22 | Page
DJ: “Very good, next question. How
long did it last?”
Sarah: “12, 15 minutes maybe.”
DJ: “Hmmmm. That's close enough. I
am sure she is trying to protect his
manhood. We've got one last question,
Sarah. You are one question away from
a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you
ready?”
Sarah: (laughing) “Yes.”
DJ: “Where did you have it?”
Sarah: “OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You
didn't tell them that did you?”
Brian: “Just tell him, honey.”
DJ: “What is bothering you so much,
Sarah?”
Sarah: “Well...”
DJ: “Come on Sarah.....where did you
have it?”
Sarah: “Up the arse.....”
They had to call an ambulance for the
DJ he thought he was going to have a
heart attack, he could not stop
laughing. Apparently there was an
unusually high call out of the Sydney
Police just after this conversation, for
minor traffic collisions.
28.Gender Roles
A journalist had done a story on
gender roles in Kuwait several years
before the Gulf War, and she noted
then that women customarily walked
about 10 feet behind their husbands.
She returned to Kuwait recently and make to a man. That's okay means
observed that the men now walked she wants to think long and hard
several yards behind their wives. before deciding how and when you will
pay for your mistake.
She approached one of the women for
an explanation. "This is marvelous," Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do
said the journalist. "What enabled not question, or Faint. Just say you're
women here to achieve this reversal of welcome.
roles?"
Whatever: Is a women's way of
To which the Kuwaiti woman replied: saying F@!K YOU!
“Land mines.”
Don't worry about it, I got it:
Another dangerous statement,
29.Nine Statements & meaning this is something that a
Words Women Use woman has told a man to do several
times, but is now doing it herself. This
Fine: This is the word women use to
will later result in a man asking
end an argument when they are right
'What's wrong?' For the woman's
and you need to shut up.
response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
Five Minutes: If she is getting
dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you
have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before
helping around the house.

Nothing: This is the calm before the

storm. This means something, and you
should be on your toes. Arguments Pictures are Worth a
that begin with nothing usually end in Thousand Laughs
fine.

Go Ahead: This is a dare, not

permission. DON’T DO IT!!!
30.Wash Instructions

Loud Sigh: This is actually a word,

but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A loud sigh
means she thinks you are an idiot and
wonders why she is wasting her time
standing here and arguing with you
about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for
the meaning of nothing.)

That's Okay: This is one of the most

dangerous statements a woman can
23 | Page
 33.Banana Bandit

31.How to: Safe Sex

32.Theory of WMD – Iraq

24 | Page
 34.FIRE!
36.Homo Evolution

37.Attention Grabber

35.B.I.T.C.H
38.A Man’s Table

25 | Page
 39.Nasty Nana 41.Quote of the Day

42.Nokia Auto 7 Series

40.The Perfect Husband

43.Cross Breeding

26 | Page
 44.Twister 46.The Mysteries of
Nature

45.Public Impoolation

27 | Page
28 | Page
 47.Hanging Hard On

29 | Page
 48.Up Your Arse!

30 | Page
 49.To Have and To Hold…

50.Chinese 101

31 | Page