Manipulative People: How to Deal with Them?

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Manipulative people are not obvious because they act in a sneaky way. When someone is openly aggressive, at least we know what is happening and can react accordingly. But when the aggressiveness is hidden, we know something is wrong but we can't pinpoint what it is. We find ourselves on the defensive and we tend to hate ourselves for it because we think we are making up things. However, usually our feelings are right: we are being manipulated. manipulative people, liars, cheat f you are being manipulated, it is time to do something about it. !irst, type your name:

n the bo" below, make a commitment as of today, #unday, $ecember %&, '(%). *ype your own resolution, such as +I refuse to be manipulated any longer!+ or any statement that is right for you.

*o help you deal with your specific situation, here is a partial list of manipulative behaviors, and how to respond to each of them. ,eep in mind there are many more. -lso, be aware that most . if not all . of us belong to this group of manipulative people at one time or another/ a. - 0uestion disguised as a statement b. Making a personal statement and pretending it is someone else's

c. 1uilt trips d. 2onfrontational statements e. *he +silent treatment+ f. *he +no way out+ 0uestion g. 3ies

a. A question dis uised as a statement Manipulative people hate asking 0uestions because it means they may loose control. #o they may use a disguised 0uestion. 4"amples: + am wondering why you...+ +5erhaps you could...+ + wish you could...+ + suppose you are going to...+ How to deal with it: When dealing with manipulative people, answer 0uestions only, not statements. *rain your ears to recogni6e the difference. 7ou must learn to ask the 7es89o 0uestion, but not get tricked by a disguised 0uestion. :epeat the last ) or ; words of the statement back to the manipulator, forcing him8her to admit it was a 0uestion. !. Ma"in a pe#sonal statement and p#etendin it is someone else$s *his allows manipulative people to put the blame on someone else, therefore not taking responsibility for his or her opinion. 4"amples: +We were wondering if you...+ +*hey said you...+ +#he thought you...+ +4veryone thinks you...+ How to deal with it: -sk who is +we+, +they+, or +someone+ and ask for the manipulator's own point of view. manipulative people c. %uilt T#ips <-lso check the article 1uilt trips: s guilt one of your tricks=> Manipulative people use statements to make you feel guilty about doing or not doing something. 7ou don't e"pect it and it blinds your ordinarily good ?udgment. 4"amples: +$on't you care if....+ + f you loved me...+

+4veryone knows that...+ +4very decent person would...+ + ?ust knew you would say that/+ +2an't you take a ?oke=+ +7ou could never do...+ + thought that's what you wanted+ How to deal with it: :ecogni6e the manipulative statement. f you can, minimi6e your e"posure to the statement because it is like glue and it sticks to you. When you hear it, ?ust say +9o+. gnore manipulative people's words and be aware of the fact that you may want to reply to their 0uestion or statement. $on't do it, it is bait. d. &onf#ontational 'tatements *hose statements are used to put you on the defensive. f you play the manipulator's game, you will end up in a fight without knowing how it started. 4"amples: +Why do you always...+ +$o you e"pect me to...+ + can't believe you would...+ + thought we were going to...+ +Why should have to...+ + 've been told that...+ +How could you...+ +Why don't you...+ +$id you hear me=+ +Well, does that mean that have to...+ + thought you...+ +$on't you think you <we> should...+ +-re you telling me...+ + thought we agreed...+ How to deal with it: 3et things slide. $on't respond to bad behavior. $on't reply defensively and avoid saying + 'm sorry but...+ 7ou can choose not to fight by using one of the following replies: +*hat's my decision+ + know you're unhappy, but that's the way it is+ + 'll have to think about that+ +7ou seem upset+ +We'll talk later when you aren't so upset.+ +We don't always have to agree.+ + prefer it that way+ +7ou're right+ <and drop the sub?ect>

e. The ('ilent T#eatment( Manipulative people may stop talking to you altogether and want to find out how long it will take before you crack. *his is how they get control. How to deal with it: #imply say +3et me know when you feel like talking+ and nothing else. -ct like it is no big deal. 1et busy with something else and put a smile on your face. f you +crack+ now, manipulative people will use this tactic again and again. Be aware that sometimes people need time to think things out, especially when they are angry. *aking some time out may not be a manipulative techni0ue, ?ust a way to deal with a problem. However, if the silence lasts longer than the time needed to reflect, it may be a manipulation tactic. f. The ()o *ay +ut( question 7ou are being asked a 0uestion and you think you are given a choice, but the answer has already been decided by the manipulator. *he 0uestion shouldn't be the time of the appointment, but whether you want an appointment at all. -fter such a 0uestion, there is a pregnant pause and, since you are programmed to respond to a conversational pause by offering to help, you ?ump in and do whatever the manipulator wants you to do. 4"amples: +Would you like an appointment at @:%& or @:)(=+ +$o you want the red one or the blue one=+ +$on't you think that...=+ +-ren't you happy that...+ +Have you stopped beating your wife=+ How to deal with it: Be prepared to use one of those replies: + 'll let you know+ + 'll have to think about that+ +9o, don't want to+ + disagree+ +#orry, am not interested+ . ,ies Here, we are not talking about little white lies once in a while, but about compulsive liars who lie to manipulate you. Here are a few ways to see whether someone is lying to you <!or more detailed articles on liars, read #igns of 3ying and 5athological 3iar on this website>: . *he person is adding unnecessary details to an e"planation. . When you ask for an e"planation or a clarification, the person stops and thinks, even though he8she should know the answer right away. . *he person pretends not to know something that he8she obviously knows.

. *he person may be laughing nervously. . *he person is not looking at you while speaking, or is looking at you too insistently. . *he person may change the topic of the conversation. . 7ou feel something is wrong and your body is reacting. Maybe your eyes are s0uinting and your head is tilted. How to deal with it: *here is no 0uick and easy way to deal with a compulsive liar. -sking a 0uestion to a liar is inviting more lies. !earing loss of control, the liar reacts aggressively to avoid answering. He8she may start asking 0uestions to put the focus on you, may start accusing you, may be evasive saying +Ah well that all depends...+ + 'm not sure...+, or may change the sub?ect completely. With a compulsive liar, you have to document and confirm all responses. -void asking 0uestions. -void any agreements, including legal ones. $on't ask a liar for anything and don't do anything for him8her either. Be self. reliant and financially and emotionally free. f your partner is a compulsive liar, you may need professional help to cope with him8her. 7ou are now finishing reading this page, which is full of advice, ideas and resources to help you deal with manipulative people. Which ones are you going to use to improve your life=

A *o#d of &aution :emember that manipulative people are often unaware of their behavior. -ctually, we are all manipulative people to a certain e"tent <read the article Manipulative behavior: -m manipulative=> *herefore, identifying manipulation can be instrumental in improving relationships of all kinds. :efrain from ?udging and ?ust be aware/