First seen in the August 1991 issue of controversial, short-lived weekly magazine Irresponsible Teenager Sniffing Aerosol: The

e Dos & Donts! - this article is reprinted here for the first time in 22 years.

HOW TO START DRINKING: AN EXPERTS GUIDE

by Cai Ross. Your whole life has been building up to this day Throughout !ost of your si"teen years few things ha#e fas$inated you %uite li&e the forbidden world of adult drin&ing 'hat is this thing( this !ysterious genie periodi$ally unbottled in the house of your $hildhood( usually to denote the arri#al of other grown)ups( the s!ell of beef braised in beer and another spin of *anis Ians last albu!+ The following !orning while your parents stayed in bed for a $uriously e"tended period( you would truffle around the party detritus for After ,ight !int en#elopes that still $ontained After ,ights As an ar$haeologist !ight sur#ey a table of e"$a#ated -o!an pots( you would !ar#el at the subtle $ur#e of the .ateus -ose bottle/s0 and re#el in the *a!es 1ond)le#el sophisti$ation of the red wine label denoting 2in de Table -ouge Yet a $urious sniff of the e!pty bottles a$$orded your young nose a !alodorous whiff( !ore redolent of your !aths tea$hers .onday !orning yawn than the high)bred shenanigans of 334 *ust what is its appeal( this Drin&+ Those Sunday afternoons washing down Salt n Sha&e $risps with le!onade in your parents lo$al offered little in the way of an answer 5ot a taste bud on your tongue would e#er forgi#e your $hee&y atte!pt to try your !others 6a!pari and soda If the thi$&( frothy 7ees bitter sloshing around your fathers !ottled tan&ard tasted as it s!elt( you had to $on$lude that he and all his friends $ouldnt get enough of that $arthorse flatulen$e 8ing And yet you were aware that the !ore of this #ile stuff they dran&( the louder and !ore fre%uent the laughter be$a!e 1y the ti!e the eighth e!pty pint glass was sla!!ed onto the bar and it was ti!e to dri#e ho!e( tears of hilarity would strea! the $hee&s of e#eryone stood by the bar Seriously( 9ust what is its appeal( this Drin&+

In the re$ent !onths( this %uestion has be$&oned itself to the fore with e#ery tre!ble of your brea&ing #oi$e :nly last wee&( your re%uest for a half pri$e train ti$&et was de$lined You are be$o!ing a !an;and !en drin& Its so!ething only an adult $an do( li&e arranging a !ortgage or turning a steering wheel with the pal! of their hand while re#ersing The day has finally $o!e: your friends ha#e de$ided that this Sunday is going to be your first pub $rawl and you need to prepare yourself The first thing to establish is the nu!ber of your party <our !ay be too !any( as it !ay legally $onstitute a ra#e( and thus put you at odds with $urrent =o!e Se$retary .i$hael =oward( who frowns upon su$h things A table of three %uietly $onfident young !en howe#er( will be #iewed by !ost publi$ans as a low)le#el threat in the &ey areas of noise and potential #iolen$e It should be deter!ined at this stage that the fellow with the deepest #oi$e should retain the 9ob of ordering drin&s for the whole day The order( *a$&s and 6o&e( !ate( is parti$ularly effe$ti#e> try pra$tising it in the !irror 1e sure to stress the deep :h in 6o&e and be sure to o!it the T in !ate And for hea#ens sa&e dont say please 1ar!en are territorial alpha people and will respe$t your bra8en $onfiden$e

TASTING NOTES: JACK DANIELS American sour mash whiskey distilled in ynch!urg, "ennessee. #tate laws determine that it is classified as !our!on, !ut the whiskey makers refuse to accept this. A relatively easy drinking whiskey with a !utterscotch and caramel nose, and a distinctive mellow flavour which comes from the practice of !eing passed through sugar maple charcoal !efore !eing !arrelled. "he reason you are ordering this and not $im %eam or &ild "urkey is that #lash, the guitarist from 'uns ( )oses drinks $ack *aniels from the !ottle and you currently !elieve that he is the greatest musician in the world. =a#ing established the si8e of your group( it is i!portant to prepare yourself physi$ally for the days e"ertions In Italy( it is $o!!on pra$ti$e to prote$t your sto!a$h lining by drin&ing a s!all glass of oli#e oil =owe#er your strained finan$es

!ay not stret$h to su$h e"tra#agan$e( and in any $ase the $he!ists /where :li#e :il is still !ost $o!!only a#ailable0 is $losed( so a pint of full fat !il& should ar!our you ni$ely fro! the inside out A good forty)fi#e !inutes should elapse before your first drin&( so as to a#oid the pheno!enon of gastro)$urdling The issue of li!ited funds should be ta$&led head)on before pro$eedings &i$& off by( as it were( stret$hing and war!ing up off the pit$h Your deliberately unsha#ed baritone friend will ha#e by this point pro$ured a four)pa$& of Tennants Super fro! the lo$al Threshers /along with a $opy of The -a$ing ?ost so as to further suggest an adult $ountenan$e0 Su$h pre)pub frontloading $an sa#e you anything up to @A3 and will gi#e your group a $olle$ti#e spring in your step as your ad#enture begins 7o$ate an area that is &nown for its re!oteness yet is not so isolated fro! poli$ed so$iety that it has be$o!e ho!e to !eth)addled !is$reants: underneath a nearby pier( for instan$e or a depart!ent store $ar par& !ade #a$ant by restri$ti#e Sunday trading laws 'ar!ed by prolonged $on$eal!ent in the inner po$&et of your friends tren$h $oat( this tinned S$ottish brew !a&es the perfe$t a$$o!pani!ent to an e"$itable pre)!at$h $hat as you plan the day ahead

TASTING NOTES: TENNANTS SUPER. "ennant+s pale lager had !een made at the &ellpark %rewery in the east end of 'lasgow since 1,,-. "his e.tra-strong version has an astonishing alcohol content of 9/ A%0, roughly the e1uivalent of a 2ash 3 2arry cooking wine. 'old in colour and with a 1uickly dissipating frothy head, "ennants #uper has a surprising citric !itterness to it upon the first taste. "his gives way to kitchen-foil !ack notes and a lengthy sweetness typical of lagers that use e.tra sugars to mask the ethanol hit of added alcohol. 4ronically the only way to wash away the final lingering taste, so reminiscent of the scum-ring around a drained, communal rug!y !ath, is to drench the mouth with another long gulp and hope for the !est. You will ha#e $hosen the first pub $arefully based upon ru!ours of fle"ible landlords and the $ertainty that your parents will not be appearing The first round of *a$&

Daniels and 6o&e has been ordered( the ten)pa$&s of 1enson & =edges ha#e been opened and you $an now settle down for the afternoon 6on#ersations regarding s$hool are stri$tly out of bounds( lest they arouse suspi$ion Instead ta$&le sub9e$ts li&e politi$s and $onte!porary $ulture The $urly haired drea!er in your party will doubtless opine about Shelley and Beats( and how *i! .orrison was the greatest lyri$ist of the last fifty years 6onfound hi! with !ore legiti!ate praise of .ar& , S!ith of The <all /e#en though in reality the unaffe$ted sin$erity of S!iths wor&ing $lass poetry s$ares you and !a&es you feel appallingly bourgeois0 It is lun$hti!e by now and your longe#ity depends upon a full sto!a$h Two bowls of $hips and a pa$&et of S$a!pi <ries should be within your $olle$ti#e food budget /@C 330 After two rounds( a $hange of pub !ay now be in order and it is $ertainly ti!e to di#ersify your drin&ing 'hat began with beer then !o#ed on to spirits !ust now $ontinue with $ider The sweet)shop holds sway o#er a AD year)olds palate you still $ant get enough of those 1an9os( :pal <ruits and .arathons and few teenagers !ature instantly into real ale drin&ers 6ider is an ideal sugary way to bridge the gap and than&fully( the early AEE3s is a boo! ti!e for new and wonderful #arieties Dia!ond 'hite has its ad!irers: largely pool players and bar!en &een to get their teenage girlfriends drun& on Sna&ebites I re$o!!end a new and !ysterious brew B

TASTING NOTES: K CIDER %eing to classic 2yder, what am!rini is to 2ha!lis 5remier 2ru, 6 is surprisingly a product of #omerset+s own reputa!le !rewer 'aymers. "he stark !lack design of the 78andmade9 !ottle gives it a pleasing, nihilistic teenage swagger. 5lus, its defiantly one-sylla!le name makes it an easy drink to order. &ith its young demographic in mind, great care has !een taken to make 6 as close to Appletize as possi!le. "he refreshing sharpness of classic cider has !een !lunted !y enough sugar to mask the ,.:/ alcohol content. (ot an unpleasant drinking e.perience then, !ut there is good reason for its so!ri1uet ;)oger 3 <ut,+ which will !ecome clear if you stand up suddenly without warning.

1y now( you are all en9oying a wellspring of $onfiden$e and bonho!ie The inner war!th of the .erry stage is the #ery definition of al$ohols appeal This is the )eady %rek glow> the feeling $old)water di#ers get when they urinate inside their wetsuits /51 In later drin&ing years this line will go fro! being a si!ile to an o$$asional !eans of e"plaining yourself #isually as you apologise to your wife0 =owe#er( ta&e $aution This is li&e the attra$ti#e young lady as&ing you to $all her on those late night ad#erts during "he $ames &hale )adio #how It see!s li&e a !ar#ellous idea at the ti!e;but theres a @FG phone bill on the way .oderation: in all things( !oderation Ta&e $are to drin& half a pint of water between ea$h be#erage If e!barrass!ent is a fa$tor( ta&e the water se$retly at the bar but it will pro#e in#aluable later on <or by now inhibition has be$o!e a thing of the past The !ost $o$&sure !e!ber of the group is at the bar now going toe)to)toe with an old( &idney)nosed regular( debating 5or!an 7a!onts handling of the e$ono!y and the war in Ira% .eanwhile( as they set the world to rights( you ha#e be$o!e transfi"ed by the table of three AG year old girls in the $orner ) a #ision of tie)dye and bla$& $ardigans singing along to %irdhouse in =our #oul on the 9u&ebo" The half ti!e whistle is now blown Stri$t laws di$tate that this and e#ery pub shuts its doors at Hp! on a Sunday 1eing &i$&ed out gi#es you an opportunity to in#eigle yoursel#es into the $o!pany of the girls as you lea#e It is !utually deter!ined that your two groups will now unite and $ontinue drin&ing in a se$luded area and here your initial re$onnaissan$e pays off -eturn to the site of the Tennants $ourse #ia the sa!e off)li$en$e fro! whi$h it was pur$hased The girls are AG and ha#e the ID to pro#e it but fatally( you allowed the! to $hoose the ne"t sele$tion It see!s that you are all going to ha#e to drin& .D Biwi F3IF3

TASTING NOTES: MD 20/20 (KIWI & LEMON) 4n some 'odless parallel universe, the popularity of this alcoholic pop would have encouraged !rewers to create whole ranges of !rightly coloured !ooze tailored

specifically for the children+s market. "hankfully, these are enlightened times and only the >* collection of fruity fortified wines has such temerity. A (ew =ork staple, !ottled !y the 2?@2? &ine 2ompany in the ,?s, the >* range Anamed for its producer, >ogen *avid !ut commonly assumed to mean ;>ad *og+ on account of its sanity loosening propertiesB comes in a rain!ow of !right, neon colours. "heir claim that the 6iwi 3 emon 2?@2? contains any 6iwi fruit whatsoever is !ased upon the drink+s similarity in colour to said fruit+s vi!rant green hue, though this is more akin to electrified renal fluid than citrus fruit. 4n fact, it !oasts an utterly uni1ue flavour com!ination of $uicy Fruit chewing gum and $if emon floor cleaner. "he A%0 is 1C/, !ut great care has !een taken to o!scure this fact !y adding enough sugar to dissolve "om 2ruise+s tooth enamel.

It is ti!e to re!ind you now that this arti$le is $alled 8ow to *rink( not 8ow to 'et *runk Any fool with a wea& $onstitution and the &eys to Daddys drin&s $abinet $an get drun&( but you !ust be $annier than that Ta&e sto$& at this point You#e been rendered !ute in any $ase by your attra$tion to the girl with the baggy( long)slee#ed 'onder Stuff shirt so ta&e this opportunity to silently sur#ey your group :ne of the! by now is standing on a wall and doesnt realise he is shouting The other is fi#e !inutes away fro! doing press)ups to i!press one of the girls The !ost Jothi$) loo&ing girl who loo&s li&e .ar$ella Detroit( is now so drun& that she $ant hide her anger about they way your group in#aded their spe$ial day Ta&e a s!all sip of F3IF3 and en9oy the sights( sounds and s!ells In twenty years( the #ery sight of a &iwi fruit will send your brain right ba$& to this point in ti!e 'hether you s!ile wistfully then or $lut$h your !outh and bolt for the la#atory depends on your ability to put on the bra&es right now( here in AEEA <ortunately help is at hand The !ood swings $o!!on to young people drin&ing irresponsibly !ean that .ar$ella Detroit has now $al!ed down and de$ided that she wants to spend the ne"t hour in the untrustworthy ar!s of your randy friend They se$retly abs$ond to the nearest bus shelter and ta&e the bottle with the! Your first day of al$ohol abuse is at an end :r is it+

7ittle did you &now( but a spe$ial treat had been se$retly pur$hased by your older) loo&ing friend when he was in the off li$en$e You thought that you were out of boo8e Your sto!a$h and your sanity were pri#ately delighted( but it was not to be =e re#eals his surprise to whats left of your group;

TASTING NOTES: THUNDERBIRD 7&hat+s the wordD @ "hunder!ird @ 8ow+s it soldD @ 'ood and cold @ &hat+s the EiveD @ %irds+s alive @ &hat+s the priceD @ "hirty twice.9 #o sang the ouis $ordanes1ue Eingle in the 19-?s when "hunder!ird de!uted in the F#A. (amed after the "hunder!ird hotel in 0egas, this fortified pear wine revels in 6erouackian cool !ut in truth its great achievement is to have !ecome the king of so-called ;%um &ines.+ 4ts ine.pensive price tag and distinctive, petrol-cap !ou1uet have made it "8G drink of choice for American ho!os, failed stock!rokers and teenage drinkers. "he taste reminds one of 0enos cough syrup watered down with paraffin and such is the mysterious nature of its chemical enhancement Aplus its A%0 of 1C/B that its im!i!ers don+t so much get drunk as go temporarily insane. Thunderbird is a .oloto# $o$&tail ready to light and throw In the twilight stage of a teenage drin&ing binge howe#er( it is surprisingly easy to gulp down espe$ially if there is a pretty girl nearby that you wish to i!press 6all upon the final reser#es of your sobriety to !ini!ise your inta&e Your friend will hopefully be i!per#ious to pain or reason by now and will ha#e ne$&ed half the bottle already( lea#ing a relati#ely stable a!ount for you to share with the ob9e$t of your affe$tion The $louds are dar&ening now and the birds $all their farewells to the people below In the pale silen$e( the world $ould belong to you four and you four alone The sensation of your brain turning li&e a $arousel inside your s&ull has not yet be$o!e unpleasant( but its enough to $on#in$e you that the days ad#enture has run its $ourse You wa#e your pretty new friend goodbye and al!ost i!!ediately regret that you didnt try to &iss her( or e#en as& for her phone nu!ber Still( you suspe$t the

!e!ory of her beautiful s!ile will fore#er be one of the last great brain)?olaroids of your youth You wal& ba$& with your friend( o$$asionally leaning into ea$h other for !utual support After a short while( you arri#e at his house 'ith a unduly painful slap on the ba$&( followed by the type of hug no sober !an e#er gi#es another( he totters ho!e to dodge his ?resbyterian parents( $hew an entire pa$&et of ,"tra Strong .ints 9ust in $ase( and $ollapse into bed Days later you will dis$o#er that your other friend was dis$o#ered by his parents in the ba$& seat of a ta"i he $ouldnt afford( wearing an apron of green si$& o#er his 2i$ & 1ob T)shirt and babbling nonsensi$ally It !ay be so!e ti!e before he is allowed to see you again You are ho!e now( 9ust in ti!e for oveEoy If you ha#e su$$essfully !oderated your inta&e and are able to beha#e with a se!blan$e of nor!ality( your parents should ha#e the good gra$e to pretend that you dont s!ell li&e a war! bar towel and let you ta&e yourself to bed with a $up of tea Tea and as !u$h water as you $an drin& before sleeping( will be the differen$e between an unpleasant and an utterly ghastly !orning the ne"t day And so now you &now the answer to the %uestion( what is its appeal( this Drin&+ 'ell( it is laughter that !a&es your rib$age a$he Its the dis$o#ery of entirely new e!otions and the fairy dust that turns friends into soul !ates It is danger and suspense It is elation and heartbrea& It is e"$ite!ent and nausea It is the whole world put before you in a $o!pletely new set of $lothes It is all the ingredients of life and whats !ore( no boo8e you will dis$o#er in the years ahead no wine( no $o$&tails( no ales will ever taste as bad as the shit you#e been drin&ing all day you poor bastard