Better red

THE CABBAGE
www.TheCabbage.S5.com
September 12, 2002 Volume V, Issue 4

Major League Baseball Back on Winning Track

Milwaukee Brewers Back on Losing Track
MILWAUKEEAfter harrowing last-minute negotiations, baseball fans around the country were relieved to hear that a possible baseball strike had been averted. An agreement was reached between the owners and the players union, ensuring a World Series this fall and at least four more years of uninterrupted Major league play. This agreement also ensures that the persistent Milwaukee Brewers will get their shot at a record for total losses in a single season. Two weeks ago Friday, baseball commissioner Bud Selig entered the negotiations. His presence seemed to have had a positive effect on the talks between the two sides, both of which finally reached an agreement in the early morning hours of August 2nd. The main points of the new deal include a luxury tax that would affect ultrarich teams (e.g. Yankees, Dodgers, Rangers), a more vast revenue sharing program, no contraction of any current teams (aborting the Twins from the league would have caused quite an uproar from conservative Midwesterners), mandatory random steroid testing, and raising the leagues minimum salary from $200,000 to $300,000. Also on that fateful day, Milwaukee Brewers owner Bud Selig entered the negotiations. His presence seems to have had the desired effect of allowing the Brewers to continue on their heroic quest to be the worst team they can be. The main points of the new deal will allow the Brewers to avoid ever paying a luxury tax and to receive substantially more funds in revenue sharing from good teams. No league contraction keeps constant the amount of teams the Brewers currently have to lose to, and the steroid-testing program will hopefully bring back many strong teams to the weak level of the Brew Crew. The new minimum salary raise will also increase the average Brewers salary by $100,000. Prior to the deal, Wisconsin baseball fans worried that the Milwaukee franchise would not get a fair shot at utter humiliation this year. Brewers futility infielder Mark Loretta, who also served as a representative for the players union, echoed the apprehension of the fans. I truly believed that Milwaukees brand new shrine to baseball/alcohol and the unending All Star Game held there this year were signs of true ineptness for the Brewers. This is why I lobbied so hard for an agreement between the two camps; the Brewers once-in-a-franchise chance at horribleness couldnt be sidetracked, said an emotional Loretta on Friday. In related news, infielder Mark Loretta was traded to the Houston Astros for two young, unprovenbut cheapplayers. In other related news, Mastercard Corporation is also extremely relieved to see the strike averted. In a statement to the Associated Press, Mastercard CEO (and therefore CFO) John Plastik said the agreement reached for the highly interested Mastercard Company was Priceless.

Professor Ohm Offers Little Resistance for Learning

WCCProfessor Ronald Ohm has begun his second year of teaching at Martin Luther College with no measurable resistance to learning, according to students. Ohm, now a science education professor, has been reportedly electrifying classes for over 20 years. You have to expose your students to new and shocking things; you cant just insulate them all of the time, said Ohm. To optimize learning, Ohm has developed his own formula for success. Ive always varied the shape and length of various learning conductorssuch as lecture, hands-on, and audio/visualand then I compare the outcome from each variation. See, youre always going to have different types and shapes of students, so you need to choose the path of least resistance in order to charge them up with knowledge. I call this Ohms Principle, said Ohm. The strength of a current lesson is proportional to existing knowledge and inversely proportional to resistance of students. Due to the success of Ohms Principle in MLC classrooms, students are beginning to use the professors name as a unit of measurement for learning resistance. Heres an example of one sophomore using Ohm to convey his difficulty in learning: Man, Latin is really tough this year. This Cicero crap is like five Ohms harder to learn than that Virgil dude last year. That stuff was easy, maybe two Ohms at the most. I need to crank up my level of knowledge in order to become current with Fredrich.

Professor Ronald Ohm

Ehlke only funny on paper, says Roommate

SUMMIT HALL, ROOM 122Ethan S. Hutchinson was reportedly shocked to hear that his roommate, Mark D. Ehlke, writes The Cabbage. The 23-year-old post-emergency teacher says that there was absolutely nothing that could have tipped him off. That guy Ehlke is a loser. Hes that old guy always sitting by himself in the cafeteriano, not Professor [deleted]the other old guy. Having a conversation with (Ehlke) is like talking to a cardboard cutout of Britney Spears; he might be easy on the eyes at first, but once you get up close you realize hes actually rather flat and boring. He was the last person I thought it would behes only funny on paper, and thats only according to a few, said Hutchinson.

2 for 1
Buy PSI I, Get PSI II FREE!!
Redeem at the

Martin Luther College Bookstore

Located in the LSC next to the mailboxes.
Expires:
1/1/1642

PAGE 2

THE CABBAGE

VOLU ME V, I SSUE 4

Sophomore Claims to Have Thought up Ted Williams Joke Prior to Hearing It on Letterman
CONCORD HALLAllen Zahn, a 2001 graduate of Fox Valley Lutheran, claimed on Wednesday to have come up with a joke about Ted Williams body long before seeing it on The Late Show over the summer. Zahn told the joke to a roomful of Concord residents when a homerun statistic of baseball great Ted Williams was mentioned on Sportscenter. Speaking of Ted Williams, did you guys hear about the controversy over Ted Williams body? Apparently his daughter wants him cremated and his son wants him cryogenically frozen. Well, thank goodness, they came up with a compromiseroom temperature, quipped the sophomore. Zahns roommate, Mark Ebbens, immediately interjected, Zahn, I heard that one already on Letterman. Zahn insisted that, despite also hearing the joke on The Late Show, he conjured up the joke two days before Letterman. I know, I saw it on Letterman too, but I thought of that joke like two days before I saw it. Honest. I was like, Hey, there goes Dave stealing my jokes again, said Zahn. Zahns remarks were followed by several semi-audible sures and whatevers, along with fourteen groans.

Ways We are Using Our Computers...

Downloading freshman comp paper Playing solitaire by ourselves Composing the new school song Checking out Prof. Czers New Ulm Area Entertainment Page Reading back issues of The Cabbage Checking out latest war plans for Iraqi invasion Admiring the delicious pun that is the Knightly News Catching up on the latest mispellings on the New Ulm Journal Online Looking at old pictures of Hermann and reminiscing the days of two wings on the helmet Checking for stock tips on MarthaStewart.com Selling old MLC Knight logo merchandise on Ebay Practicing Ctrl/Alt/Delete command Writing reflection on reflection of reflection of journal article Checking MLC golf team schedule Browsing MLCs online dating service Planning our week around the online cafeteria menu Reading up on the latest West Cottonwood Virus scare Fixing the freshmen Student Senate election www.thecabbage.s5.com

Freshman Bass Player Wants Everybody to Know that He Doesnt Need the Fret Marks on His Fretless Bass
CONCORD HALLFreshman Paul Chambers announced on Tuesday that he wants everybody to know that he doesnt need the fret marks on his fretless bass guitar. It just came that way, said Chambers, pointing to his Yamaha 4BBN4F 4-string fretless bass guitar. Chambers also wants everyone to realize that even Tony Levin sometimes uses a fretless bass that has fret marks. It doesnt mean that I need (fret marks). I can play fine without them, said Chambers. Look at Tony Levin, his fretless has fret marks and everybody knows he doesnt need themneither do I. Chambers concluded, Not that Im bragging or anything, but I seriously dont need the fret marks. Thats how it was when I bought it.

Editorial: Knight Leave

By Billy Miller
Hey civilian chums! Its me Billy! (Thats Private Miller to you, Professor Schmidt. . .J/K!) Its great to be back here on Herman Mountain, as I like to call it. Afghanistans great and all, but after a year of dirt, filth, scorching heat, dehydration, hazardous chemicals, and shrapnel-dodging, it loses its appeal. So its totally rad to be getting out of Dodge for a while. So I had this leave time to use up and I didnt know where to go. My comrade chums all took their leave time in Thailand and Australia, but I didnt want to go check out cheap consumer goods or give alligators Billymeat to chew on, so I hopped the next transport outta there to the good old USA and came straight here to Knightland. (This leave time in Minnesota should also really help my skin recover from the sun, too. You should see me out thereIm one big Billyfreckle!) Well, I thought I could tell you how the skirmish is going over in Afghanistan (FUN FACT: Afghanistan translates to Nation of Afghans), but then Id have to kill you! No, really, the fightings good. Nonot good, I mean. Fighting is never good, I guessits bad. What I mean is our side is doing good. . . doing well, I mean. Our side is doing well. . . I guess our side

could be doing good, too, if good was an adjective assuming a non-specific noun, such as things. Uh-oh, I hope I havent given away too much. You know, national security and all! Guess what? Private Cassanova Miller has met a girl. She works at the MASH unit where I was sent after the ride-by-rocking that our unit sustained. Luckily, a couple of F-16s obliterated those Talibanners and the camels they rode in on before they could make a second pass with their slingshots. So, after I got the injury I went to the MASH unit and there she was: Nurse Joan Gibson. I think I won her heart with my Boy, the service is great in the service joke. Thats a keeper. You can use that one if you want to, Avid Reader. Anyway, she does have a higher rank than I, so I get to salute her every time we see each other. I call her G.I. Joan, because shes a G.I., and her name is Joan, and she has a shaved head like Demi Moore did. Boy, is she dreamy. I cant wait to get back to the nation of the Afghans and fake West Nile Virus so I can get serviced again. So, look out for me the rest of this week. If you see a big, burly (OKsmall, scrawny), sunbronzed (pink Calamine-lotion-encrusted), mean (Im jollier than the Kool-aid man!), fighting machine (Im actually in charge of the lavatories) wearing fatigues (I lost them on the flight over boy will Lieutenant Harris be mad!), say, Hey, Private BM. I salute you!

Mr. Current Events Joke-of-the-Week

***Clever and timely one-liners to show that special someone youre both humorous and up-to-date with world news***

For more Billy Miller, check out the archive section on our website: issues I.3, II.3, III.1, III.9, IV.4

Man, did you see the US Open womens final? It was a good match, but I was cheering for Williams.