Misinforming the uninformed

THE CABBAGE
March 27, 2003

www.thecabbage.com

Volume VI, Issue 9

Curtains for Moore at Oscars

Hollywood Republicans terminate leftist speech
HOLLYWOODDocumentary filmmaker Michael Moore was killed onstage at the Academy Awards on Sunday. The Oscar winner for best documentary went into an anti-Bush rant during his acceptance speech, but was quickly quieted by a small group of Republican movie stars. Moore won the Oscar for his documentary film, Bowling for Columbine, a piece of leftist propaganda that, besides slamming gun ownership, somehow tries to place recent U.S. foreign policy on the same moral plane as the 9-11 terrorist attacks. After accepting the award Moore quickly went into an anti-war/Bush rant. I have invited my fellow documentary nominees on stage with usbecause we like nonfiction. We like nonfiction and we live in fictitious times.we have fictitious election results that elects a fictitious presidentsending us to war for fictitious reasonsthe fictition (sic) of duct tapeorange alertswe are against this war, Mr. Bush. Shame on you, Mr. Bush, shame on you. And any time you got the Pope and the Dixie Chicks against you, your time is up, yelled Moore on top of loud booing. Halfway through the rant, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Clint Eastwoodall prominent Hollywood Republicansemerged

Moore (right-center) is terminated by prominent Republicans Arnold Schwarzenegger (left), Clint Eastwood (left-center), and Bruce Willis (far-right).
onto the stage with guns drawn. At the end of the speech, they proceeded to open fire, terminating the unsubstantiated rant. Hasta la vista, Lefty, said a deadpan Schwarzenegger. Eastwood, before firing, inquired of Moore, Do you feel lucky? Well, do you punk? Willis then interjected, Yippee kay aye, Michael Moore! When the shots ended, NRA president and actor Charlton Heston stood over Moore and demanded, Take your stinking paws off the stage, you darn dirty ape. Later in the show a stunned Barbara Streisand actually managed to refrain from spewing forth leftist propaganda while presenting an award.

Man Foolishly Compares Miss USA Contestants to Girlfriend

CHICAGO25-year-old Darren Conrad compared his girlfriend, Julianne Mazzone, to each and every Miss USA contestant Monday night. Conrad regretted his actions at the end of the pageant. Man, that was stupid, lamented Conrad. Julies pretty hot, but look at these girls. Whoa! I never knew a swimsuit could do that! I wish my girlfriend looked that good. Plus, shes nowhere as congenial as these gals.

Tonic Sol-Fa: Tonic so-so, says Frosh

MLCFreshman teacher track student Jim Williams was not that impressed with the Tonic SolFa concert Friday night at MLC. It was more like tonic so-so, snickered Williams. I mean, they got really good voices, but I didnt hear any cool guitar solos or anything. Theyd be okay if they got some instruments. That and some longer hair, then theyd rock.

Also in this issue:

Boo beats Brodie, some other guy Dorm resident no longer keeping frozen pizzas in window 1/8th of Sweet Sixteen from 3 3 4
Hooters Opens in Afghanistan! Page 3.

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Copper Rock Coffee

Grand Opening March 31st!!! basketball powerhouse state of Downtown Appleton on College Ave. Wisconsin

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THE CABBAGE

VOLU ME VI, I SSUE 9

Loser Clique Forms NIT Pool

MYRTLE BEACH, SCA group of unpopular high school students created a gambling pool for the often-ignored National Invitation Tournament (NIT) early last week. The students, somehow overlooked for entry into the schools more popular NCAA tournament pools, decided to form their own pool to set themselves apart from the cool kids, but still join in the fun of gambling on college age student athletes. Approximately 40 male students of the Carolina Forest High School junior class were not asked by members of popular cliques to enter their NCAA pools. Instead of abandoning their desires for comradeship, competition, and college championship gambling, the overlooked students decided to form their own pool. Having been left out of the fun one too many times, the group set themselves apart by creating a pool consisting not of the popular teams of the NCAA tournament, but of the likewise rejected mediocre teams of the National Invitation Tournament. The NCAA tournament is the illustrious college mens basketball championship, played by the nations top 64 teams. The NIT tournament is played among the leftover teams not invited to the big dance. Members of the loser clique were quick to point out the benefits of forming an NIT pool. Ive seen those huge NCAA brackets covering the inside their lockers, said Peter Wilde. Ours is almost half the size. Plus it took only half the time to make. When asked why he and others were left out of the more popular NCAA pools, Wilde responded, Well, its easy to figure out. I mean, just look at my record with the ladies. Im O for life. And then theres guys like Tim over there whove had plenty of dates, but the level of competition for those wins wasnt very high. Besides the relative ease of organization, others pointed out the potential monetary benefits of an NIT pool, With fewer teams and fewer people, Ive got a real chance of winning this year. Plus my inferior knowledge of the topic of collegiate sporting teams is not as large of a handicap, considering the fact that nobody knows anything about these loser teams, said Terrence Smith. But then again the NIT showcases such big names as Georgetown and UNLVthey used to be major contenders, Ive heard. One loser pointed out the benefits of losing the NIT as opposed to losing the NCAA tournament, Its not as heart-breaking because the games arent on TV, unless youre cool and have cable. Plus since its the losers pool, not as many girls find out how bad you did. Approximately 40 losers entered the NIT pool at a cost of 25 cents per person, winner take all.

Calendar Correction
There are no classes on Wednesday, April 16.
Highlights of War Coverage

Engineer Sets Higher Goal

100 percent not enough, says local man
NEENAH, WI37-year-old Kimberly Clark employee Eric Dretske announced to his coworkers shortly before lunch break on Friday that he was going to start giving it 110 percent. The research and development statistical engineer quickly added, of course, in order to make my goal mathematically feasible, Ill need to gain precisely 15 pounds. Dretske then proceeded to eat three foot-long subs, a two-pound bag of potato chips, and one pound of butter, along with drinking a six-pack of orange soda. The 150pound bachelor is hoping to gain his goal of newfound exertion in just two weeks. (continued on page 6)

THIRD ANNUAL PROFFY AWARDS

Self-Proclaimed Arbiter of Literary Excellence Award ......................Prof. Czer Instructivist-of-the-Year .................................................................... Prof. Pfeifer Wendland-of-the-Year .................................................................. Prof. Wendland Dendrologist-of-the-Year........................................................................Prof. Ash Perfect Attendance Award ............................................................ Prof. Levorson Antichrist-of-the-Year ......................................................................... Prof. Pope Dapperly Dressed Award ................................................................Prof. Rupnow Best Musical Score ............................................................Prof. Joyce Schubkegel Bachelor-of-the-Year ..........................................................................Prof. Minch Bachelorette-of-the-Year ...................................................................... Prof. Hopf Antarctic Explorer-of-the-Year ...........................................................Prof. Buck Primus Inter Pares Award ........................................................... President Olsen Secundus Inter Pares Award.........................................Vice President Thiesfeldt Mr. Universe ........................................................................... Prof. Deutschlander Best Animated Short ........................................................................ Prof. Hartzell Rookie-of-the-Year Award ............................................................. Prof. Gosdeck Lifetime Achievement Award .................................................... Instructor Scharf

Bombing presented in surround sound CNN correspondent Nic Robertson played by Bruce Willis Al-Jazeera text crawler going backwards CBS news coverage interrupted for NCAA updates The ladies still love Wolf Blitzer Arthur Kent now the Scud Dud Millions of couch potatoes flee Baghdad as Iraqi TV is knocked off the air CNN now CSN, the Casual Swearing Network Embedded journalists finding it difficult to portray Islam as a peaceful religion War not as glamorous as bad Jerry Bruckheimer movies France sits out another war as U.S. helps rid world of danger Iraq winning (as reported by Iraqi News Agency)

Mr. Trite Conversation Starter of the Week

***Clever ideas to break the ice and make that great first impression***

Man, I learned (lots/nothing) in my classes today. How bout you?