THE CABBAGE

Volume 1, Issue 3 December 7, 2000

Comments? Email us at: MLCabbage@hotmail.com Inside this issue:

New Ulm Mafia to allow Germans Binocular use high At MLC Editorial: Aww, crap, I missed steak night. 2 2 2

Six Injured in Chapel Stampede

by Paul Isaac
WCC AuditoriumOn Friday, December 1, at approximately 11:03 AM, six Martin Luther College students were injured on their way out of a routine chapel service held in the auditorium of the Wittenberg Collegiate Center. Apparently, three seconds after the benediction was spoken and the Amen sung, a great stampede ensued, causing injury to six MLC students. The names of these students are not being released at the moment. The injuries range from minor abrasions to a broken thumb. Remarked one of the wounded, Nine hundred-some students all trying to get out with aisles only five feet wide? You do the math. Sooner or later someone was going to get hurt. This is not the first chapel stampede this school has witnessed; there have been at least four other reported cases in the last two years. With higher enrollment each year, it can be assumed that the number of accidents will only continue to rise until something is done to remedy the situation. When asked about the incident, President Theodore Olsen gave this comment: Its sad that students at such a fine college as MLC should be getting trampled on the way out of a chapel service. This wouldnt happen if we worshipped in a real church setting. No, this wouldnt happen in a real chapel. Only time will tell if President Olsen is correct. Meanwhile, the journey out of chapel in the auditorium remains a risk the students will have to take.

Moving Truck Company Embarrassed Nationally by Misspelling

CHRISTMAS WISH LIST
Hermann the German: One more wing Smokers: Summer Pastor Track: More music classes Teacher Track: More required EFE Staff Ministry Track: More Professors Mens Basketball: Experience Womens Basketball: Fans Jenny: Weekly Divers concert Dance Team: Glow sticks Handbell Choir: Glow sticks AV Club: Respect

by Donald Williams
FLORIDAOn Thursday, November 30, one of the nations largest moving truck companies was embarrassed nationally by a misspelling. Rider Truck Rental Services, a subsidiary of Budget Group, provided the truck for the transportation of 462,000 ballots from Palm Beach County to the Leon County Courthouse in Tallahassee, Florida. The company was apparently very careful in choosing which truck to use. We checked the trucks brakes, the fluids, the tires, pretty much everything you can think of, said Allison Striegal, a spokesperson for the company, the one thing we forgot to check was the spelling of Rider. Budget Group decided to allow the state to use one of their trucks to transport the ballots, believing that the nations focus on the election would provide some advertising for the company. Yes, it would have been good publicity, if it werent for the fact that some idiot spelled the companys name wrong. Striegal said. She went on to say that many have been fired over the incident. This blunder was televised nationally on all cable news networks and was shown repeatedly on major networks evening news programs. CNN reporter Candy Crowley made this comment as she watched the incident unfold, Here I am watching the Rider truck go down the highway, butyesI do believe the trucks paint reads Ryder with a y. Id hate to be the guy who messed this one up. In the week since the misspelling, Rider Truck rentals have decreased fifty percent and are still dropping. Some Rider users have lost a lot of trust in the company. John Foggerty, a resident of Palm

(Look for more in next weeks issue.)

Beach County, said, Ive stopped using Rider [trucks] because of this. If they cant even spell their name right, whos to say they can maintain their trucks right. This sentiment has also been echoed nationally. Washington D.C. resident Bill Clinton, preparing a move to New York, stated, Theres no way Im using Rider now that this has happened. I mean, its bad enough we had a vicepresident who couldnt spell potato, but I took care of that.

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T H E C A B B A G E ( M L C ABBAGE@HOTMAIL.COM)

V OLU ME 1, ISSUE 3

Binocular Use High at MLC

by Mark Chapman
NEW ULM, MNAccording to a recent study performed by Bushnell, the outdoor optics company, the Martin Luther College populace is currently a consumer hotbed for binocular manufacturers. The results of this regional study were released in the January issue of Field and Stream by the research and development division of Kansas City-based Bushnell. An unusually high concentration of optics equipment, specifically mid-range binoculars, was found to be present at a relatively obscure college in the southern part of Minnesota. Telephone polls and warranty information show that at Martin Luther College 1 in 4 students has or desires a set of affordable binoculars, claims the report. Interestingly, there was a particularly high positive correlation between binocular ownership and the number 6 in the respondents telephone number, but this may just be a coincidence. The student body will soon feel the ramifications of this study. Next week three binocular manufacturers are scheduled to have booths in the Luther Student Center designed to attract the outdoor enthusiasts on campus. They will have a wide range of binoculars, scopes, and night-vision devices available for purchase. Joe McDougal, a spokesman for Tasco optics, says, We look forward to visiting a campus so in touch with the outdoors. Students also are eagerly anticipating the arrival of the Tasco people. When asked about the companies impending visits, freshman Tom Schank replied with a big grin, Yeah, Im gonna stop bybinoculars are cool. His friends shared his enthusiasm.

Some Lovely Wildlife

Yeah, we love nature. Nothin like spotting a real nice trophy, said George Horgin, barely able to contain his joy.

Local Mafia Chieftain Opens Books to Germans

by Dave Wannstedt
NEW ULMIn an unprecedented move, Anthony The Wop Sollazo, the towns highest ranking Mafioso, decided on Tuesday to accept Germans into his gang of organized crime. Sollazo cited a lack of Sicilians as the primary reason for his decision. Hey, what yous want me to do? Theres just not enough paisans around, says Sollazo. Traditionally, the Mafia tries to include only fellow Sicilians and Italians in their gangs. Germans, according to Sollazo, are not their second, third, or even fourth choice. Wes try to stick to paisan, but some Micks are stand-up fellas. Wes only turn to Krauts if theres no Jews or Limeys around. Them Krauts seem to have some kindawhat yous call it?a genetic problem? The Mafia chieftain runs many rackets from his hangout at Happy Joes Pizza. These rackets include running the sausage-makers and Christmas shop unions. The crew also steals billiard balls, grinds them up, and sells the powder to Townies. Despite his reluctance to admit Germans, Sollazo is optimistic things will work out well, I think theys genes messed up a bit, but thems sausagesfuhgeddaboudit.

Anthony The Wop Sollazo

EDITORIAL: Aww, Crap, I Missed Steak Night

by Billy Miller
I just knew something like this was gonna happen. I miss one meal all month long and it just has to be steak night. Ive been looking forward to this for like the last week and a half. You know, when they have the little announcements on the tables that say that steak night is coming up soonwell I looked at that just last week and I said to Brian Man, I cant wait til steak night, and then I go right ahead and sleep right through it. Can you believe it? So Im sittin there, playing Bond, right, trying to get through the tough caves level, but you know its really dark in that level, so it hurts my eyes. So I take a nap, just a little one. Next thing you know my friends barge into the room bragging how they were so full of steak and potatoes and how Zack got two because he was flirting with the girl next to him in line and she gave him her ticket. But Im like What the heck, Why didnt you come and get me? and theyre like We forgot (jerks), but you can goits only 5:30, the cafeterias still open. Yeah, duhh, like I want to go now, I probably wont even know anybody. So I order pizza even though I have like no money after my last cable bill. Man, this isnt the first time this has happened to me either. Like a couple weeks ago I missed gyro day because I had to finish that stupid paper on the depression. Yeah, I really know what those people were going through in the fiftiesmy stomach just kept growling all day long. Oh yeah, if the girl that was talking to me last week is reading this, yeah, I do like the Backstreet Boys and family reunions. Maybe we could get together sometime in the Round Table or something and talk about stuff, like if were related or something (J/K). Oh, Ive gotta go, Family Matters is coming on. See ya lata, alligata.