"I love being married.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to

annoy for the rest of your life." � Rita Rudner

"A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane." � Jackie Kennedy

"Electricity is really just organized lightning." � George Carlin

"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." � Dennis Miller

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to
believe it." � Clarence Darrow

"Golf is a good walk spoiled." � Mark Twain

"Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do
not like him." � Marlene Dietrich

"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom." � H. L. Mencken

"If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job." �
Woody Allen

"The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him." � Robert Benchley

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." � Groucho Marx

"Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you." � Satchel Paige

"The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife." � David Ogilvy

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"For your information, I would like to ask a question." � Samuel Goldwyn

"If government were a product, selling it would be illegal." � P. J. O'Rourke

"A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore." � Yogi Berra

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator." � Emo Philips

"You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old." � George Burns

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come
back home." � Bill Cosby

"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it." � Joan Rivers

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal." � Emma Goldman

"Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing." � Vince Lombardi

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings." � Jay
London

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television." � Fred Allen

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her." � W.
C. Fields

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a
radio." � Joan Rivers

"Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need
it." � Doug Larson

"True friends stab you in the front." � Oscar Wilde

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." �
Lily Tomlin

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and gets stuck." � George Carlin

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight." � Rita Rudner

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." � Spike
Milligan

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the

average voter." � Winston Churchill

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping." � Rita
Rudner

"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." � Mark

Twain

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about
the universe." � Albert Einstein

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of
Paul." � George Bernard Shaw

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage." �
H. L. Mencken

"Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." �
Ambrose Bierce

"Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television." � Woody Allen

"Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect." � Steven Wright

"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has
got." � Josh Billings

"Old age is fifteen years older than I am." � Oliver Wendell Holmes

"I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." � Dan Quayle

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best
thing in the world for you." � Walt Disney

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the
designated driver." � Jay Leno

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." � Henry A.

Kissinger

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live next door and just visit now and then." � Katharine Hepburn

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name
will carry." � Bill Cosby

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the
country over in about two days." � Jon Stewart

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

� George Burns

"Weather forecast for tonight: dark." � George Carlin

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop
if you run." � Dennis Miller

"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever
met." � Abraham Lincoln

"Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be
married too." � H. L. Mencken

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." � Mark Twain

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a
red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." � Albert Einstein

"I never said most of the things I said." � Yogi Berra

"There's one more terrifying fact about old people: I'm going to be one soon." �
P. J. O'Rourke

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." �
Dave Barry

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." � Will
Rogers

"I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky, but there's never
any gum under any of them." � Emo Philips

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally." � W. C. Fields

"We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time." � Vince Lombardi

"An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a
producer." � Fred Allen

"And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself." � Murray Walker

"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human
bladder." � Alfred Hitchcock

"Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed." � George Burns

"I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else." � Jon
Stewart

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice."
� Bill Cosby

"If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor." � Joan Rivers

"Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one." � E. B. White

"In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk." � Rita Rudner

"The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an
argument going." � George Carlin

"I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of
Liberty." � Bob Hope

"I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that
either." � Jack Benny

"You don't pay taxes - they take taxes." � Chris Rock

"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture." � Steve Martin

"I failed to make the chess team because of my height." � Woody Allen

"Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it." � Mark Twain

"Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food." �
George Bernard Shaw

"Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for
something they don't need." � Will Rogers

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country." � Steven Wright

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." � Dave
Barry

"A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five." �
Groucho Marx

"Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife
Day." � Jay Leno

"I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun." � Arnold Schwarzenegger

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." � Dan Quayle

"I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead."
� Samuel Goldwyn
"I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live." � Bob Hope

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more
specific." � Lily Tomlin

"If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked
like." � Phyllis Diller

"I grew up in Europe, where the history comes from." � Eddie Izzard

"There's only one thing money won't buy, and that is poverty." � Joe E. Lewis

"A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still
thinking." � Jerry Seinfeld

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
� Joey Adams

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether
they see a moth or an axe-murderer." � Paula Poundstone

"There is still no cure for the common birthday." � John Glenn

"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead." �
Woody Allen

"It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech." �
Mark Twain

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." � George

Bernard Shaw

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." � Steven Wright

"This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the
baby gets hold of a hammer." � Will Rogers

"I read part of it all the way through." � Samuel Goldwyn

"What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm." � Rodney Dangerfield

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." � Groucho Marx

"As we head to war with Iraq, President Bush wants to make one thing clear: This
war is not about oil, it's about gasoline." � Jay Leno

"A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money." � W. C. Fields

"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing." �
Emo Philips

"All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height." � Casey

Stengel
"California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange." � Fred Allen

"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it." � Samuel Goldwyn

"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope." � Bill

Cosby

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." � Isaac Asimov

"I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age." � George Burns

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators." �

Gerald R. Ford

"Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change
the locks." � Doug Larson

"Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few
times." � Rita Rudner

"What you get free costs too much." � Jean Anouilh

"My stockbroker asked me something important today: paper or plastic?" � Jay Leno

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." �
Josh Billings

"All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats." � Groucho Marx

"Television is a medium because anything well done is rare." � Fred Allen

"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing." � Redd Foxx

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me." �
Garry Shandling

"I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name." �
Paula Poundstone

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs
and the fresh air." � Jack Benny

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and
die." � Mel Brooks

"I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those
places." � Henny Youngman

"Adding sound to movies would be like putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo." �
Mary Pickford

"My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-
seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is." � Ellen DeGeneres

"Freedom of the press is guaranteed only to those who own one." � A. J. Liebling

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." �
Tallulah Bankhead

"The internet is a great way to get on the net." � Bob Dole

"The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon." � Douglas William
Jerrold

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." � Luis Bunuel

"You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think." � Milton Berle

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." � Phyllis Diller

"The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your
age." � Lucille Ball

"There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do." � Bill Watterson

"To be or not to be. That's not really a question." � Jean-Luc Godard

"Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are
out having fun." � Jim Bishop

"Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf." � Lewis Mumford

"On this team, we're all united in a common goal: to keep my job." � Lou Holtz

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door." � Milton Berle

"A camel makes an elephant feel like a jet plane." � Jackie Kennedy

"When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always." �
Rita Rudner

"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to
believe it." � Clarence Darrow

"Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do
not like him." � Marlene Dietrich

"I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess." � Dennis Miller

"In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first." � George Carlin

"Civilization had too many rules for me, so I did my best to rewrite them." � Bill
Cosby

"If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style." ? Quentin Crisp

"I am a deeply superficial person." � Andy Warhol

"Life is hard. After all, it kills you." � Katharine Hepburn

"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the
universe together." � Oprah Winfrey

"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes." � Jay London
"Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!" � Steve Martin

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." �
Lily Tomlin

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." � Bob Hope

"The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love." � Joe E. Lewis

"All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy." � Spike
Milligan

"My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping." � Rita
Rudner

"Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof
and gets stuck." � George Carlin

"I rant, therefore I am." � Dennis Miller

"If voting changed anything, they'd make it illegal." � Emma Goldman

"Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come
back home." � Bill Cosby

"I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a
radio." � Joan Rivers

"Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need
it." � Doug Larson

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." � George Burns

"My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings." � Jay
London

"Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing." � Vince Lombardi

"You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you." � Yogi Berra

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." � Douglas
Adams

"I was the kid next door's imaginary friend." � Emo Philips

"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with." � W. C. Fields

"Include me out." � Samuel Goldwyn

"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you
heard it." � Laurence J. Peter

"You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money." � P. J. O'Rourke

"There comes a time in every man's life, and I've had plenty of them." � Casey
Stengel

"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife." � David Ogilvy

"It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it
from another person's plate." � Dave Barry

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." �
Groucho Marx

"I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money." � Bob Hope

"I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." � Joe E.
Lewis

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together." �
Josh Billings

"A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop
if you run." � Dennis Miller

"Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced
pain and bought jewelry." � Rita Rudner

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you
have to start all over again." � Joan Rivers

"I spent a year in that town, one Sunday." � George Burns

"I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the
country over in about two days." � Jon Stewart

"Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should
live next door and just visit now and then." � Katharine Hepburn

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name
will carry." � Bill Cosby

"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing." � Bernard
Baruch

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator." � Emo Philips

"Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and
water." � W. C. Fields

"Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs." � Alfred
Hitchcock

"There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full." � Henry A.

Kissinger

"Never wear anything that panics the cat." � P. J. O'Rourke

"If you ask me anything I don't know, I'm not going to answer." � Yogi Berra

"I never liked you, and I always will." � Samuel Goldwyn

"The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the
designated driver." � Jay Leno

"You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best
thing in the world for you." � Walt Disney

"The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest." � Rodney

Dangerfield

"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl." �
Dave Barry

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does." � Groucho Marx

"Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has
got." � Josh Billings

"Old age is fifteen years older than I am." � Oliver Wendell Holmes

"I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!" � Will Rogers

"On the other hand, you have different fingers." � Steven Wright

"This President is going to lead us out of this recovery." � Dan Quayle

"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight." � Rita Rudner

"I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the
bathroom." � Bob Hope

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. Therefore, I have to beat

somebody." � Richard M. Nixon

"Electricity is really just organized lightning." � George Carlin

"Half the lies they tell about me aren't true." � Yogi Berra

"If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in
being a damn fool about it." � W. C. Fields

"The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their
religion." � Fred Allen

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."

� George Burns

"The future will be better tomorrow." � Dan Quayle

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself." �
Josh Billings

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." � Groucho Marx

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation." �
Henry A. Kissinger
"Reality leaves a lot to the imagination." � John Lennon

"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever
met." � Abraham Lincoln

"The poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese." � Gilbert K.
Chesterton

"Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband." �
Ambrose Bierce

"Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once." � Woody Allen

"The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings
wisdom." � H. L. Mencken

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a
red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." � Albert Einstein

"There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist." � Mark Twain

"True friends stab you in the front." � Oscar Wilde

"Marriage is give and take. You'd better give it to her or she'll take it anyway."
� Joey Adams

"The problem with cats is that they get the exact same look on their face whether
they see a moth or an axe-murderer." � Paula Poundstone

"There is still no cure for the common birthday." � John Glenn

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the

average voter." � Winston Churchill

"I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out." � Rodney
Dangerfield

"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running." � Groucho Marx

"There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together." �
Josh Billings

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." � Dan Quayle

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally." � W. C. Fields

"Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing." � Bernard
Baruch

"And now, excuse me while I interrupt myself." � Murray Walker

"I never said most of the things I said." � Yogi Berra

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by." � Douglas
Adams

"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick." � George Burns
"Winning is habit. Unfortunately, so is losing." � Vince Lombardi

"It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes." � Jay London

"An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission." � Fred

Allen

"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." � Isaac Asimov

"Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children." � George

Bernard Shaw

"When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a
red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." � Albert Einstein

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please." � Mark Twain

"The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat." �
Lily Tomlin

"Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country." � Steven Wright

"Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face." � Dave
Barry

"Democracy is the art and science of running the circus from the monkey cage." �
H. L. Mencken

"Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy." � Benjamin
Franklin

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the

average voter." � Winston Churchill

"Advertisements contain the only truths to be relied on in a newspaper." � Mark

Twain

"A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of
Paul." � George Bernard Shaw

"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." � Gilbert K. Chesterton

"He can compress the most words into the smallest ideas better than any man I ever
met." � Abraham Lincoln

"A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers." � H. L. Mencken

"The superfluous, a very necessary thing." � Voltaire

"Percentages are why I am rich." � Brigitte Bardot

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I." � Oscar Levant

"I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." � Woody
Allen

"Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward." �
Marilyn vos Savant

"God did not intend religion to be an exercise club." � Naguib Mahfouz

"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby." �
Natalie Wood

"My inner child is not wounded." � Shannen Doherty

"Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children." � Samuel Butler