Thanksgiving Dinner: Grace

Wow, everything looks great, Em, really, fantastic. Hey guys, before we eat I just wanted to say a few things that Ive been thinking about the last couple of days. Grace, I love you, but Ive been growing a weird emotional connection with this bird since I bought it, if we dont eat it soon, Ill never be able too. It will be too painful. I think Im in love. Shut up, Emily. Ill keep it brief, I can see your mouths watering. As you guys know, this last year and a half has been pretty difficult for me. Ok, really fucking difficult, and I just wanted to thank you guys with all of my heart for everything you guys have done for me. I never thought in a million years I would be here today, ready to eat turkey and enjoy just two glasses of wine, doctors orders, sorry ladies, with my very best friends. I know distance came between us when we went off to college, but now that were all back together, in Emilys swanky new loft, and were so grown-up I just Last night I cried for over an hour. Not tears of sadness, tears of joy. The happiest tears of my life pouring out of my eyes, down my cheeks, and onto the pizza bagels I decided to make in order to comfort my 3 AM sobs. I havent had happy tears since Dr. Mullings told me my cancer was in remission. I thought that would be the most joyous day of my life, until last night, at 3 AM, when I realized today would far surpass anything relating to my health. Em, do you remember the conversation we had before I decided to receive the treatment? . For those of you that havent heard this side of my story, I never planned on receiving any treatment for my cancer. The specific throat cancer I had was very difficult to operate on, because of its location, and, contrary to popular belief, chemo is not a fun time. It was around the time of my birthday when Emily told me she would stop being friends with me if I didnt go to the doctor to check out my cough. I didnt think it was that bad, probably allergies or something harmless, but she persisted. Gracy, you were coughing like youd been smoking two packs a day for 60 years. Stop, youre exaggerating. It really wasnt that bad. But, out of fear of losing my best friend, I went to the doctors office the day before my birthday. I must have sat in that waiting room for at least an hour. Why do doctors offices insist on having old Cosmos on their waiting room tables? The last thing I want to do is read about how to, spice up my sex life with food, before being told I drink too much and exercise too little. When I got into the examination room I explained to the doctor what I had been experiencing and she said something along the lines of, hmm thats funny, and just kept on taking notes. She felt around my glands under my jaw, then my throat, around my neck, and my ears. I always wondered why she felt my ears. She mumbled something about thyroids then hurried off leaving me sitting there confused and very ready to leave the painfully bright examination room. A few minutes passed, and she scurried back in accompanied by four other physicians. A glaze of fear dripped down my body and I immersed myself into my own thoughts. Why are there four other doctors here? This doesnt look good. Why are these lights so bright? I think Im going to be sick. Am I

alright? What the fuck are thyroids? Why do people need food to spice up sex? I think four oclock is too late in the afternoon for Dora the Explorer to be on the television in this office. What are they saying? X-Rays? Too soon to tell? Why are they all touching me neck? How do peoples hands get so cold? After what felt like an eternity, the other doctors cleared out and Dr. Mullings told me I needed to get to the hospital first thing tomorrow morning; she has made me appointments for a CT scan and an MRI because she had some concerns with some of the stuff she had felt near my throat. I was pissed I had to spend my birthday at St. Lawrence. Nothing was more important to 22-year-old me than going out with Emily and dancing and drinking until our bodies physically shut down. I begrudgingly went to the hospital at 9 AM to get checked out. The whole process took about five hours, thank god, I could still go out, I thought. Do you remember where we went that night, Em? Yeah, we went to Howl at the Moon, because you said you said you had never been there and had heard only good things about it. I didnt care since it was your birthday, but God piano bars are so- Great, I know. We went to this piano bar and had the time of our lives, whether Emily cares to admit it or not. I laid in my bed that night and thought to myself, life doesnt get better than this. Spoiler alert: I was right. The next morning I woke up to my phone ringing. It was Dr. Mullings. I answered; she told me I had to come see her right away. I think that may have been the longest shower of my life. I was terrified. I was scared shitless of going into that office and getting bad news. I kept trying to convince myself I felt fine, that nothing was wrong except some allergies. My drive to her office was silent. I couldnt hear anything but my inner monologue begging me to stay calm and be optimistic because it might not be serious, but I could hear in her tone of voice, this would not be a fun day. Have you guys ever had a family member or someone you know die, and another family member or someone you know has to tell you the news? . Well their tone is clear and objective, but you can hear the pain and sadness behind every word, the absolute dread of having to bare the news of death to a loved one. Dr. Mullings had been my physician for years, I trusted her more than anyone. The moment I stepped into her office, I just saw her eyes fill with tears, but being the one that has to deliver the bad news, she held them back. Her eyelids, harnessing the strength of a dam, held strong as she told me I had cancer of the throat. I went numb. I couldnt move, or breathe, or process what she was telling me. Im sure what she was saying was important, but all I was thinking about was my Father, my Brother, and Emily. How was I going to tell them I had cancer? How could I do that to them? I didnt want to burden their lives. Everything changed. Gracy, this is depressing at shit, I love you more than I can put into words, can we please eat? Im sorry! I just need to get this off my chest. You guys mean so much to me, and on this day, I felt it was most appropriate to say it. Ill land the plane, I promise. After my doctor finally got through to me everything she needed to, and I told my family and you guys, I went to the cemetery to see my Mother. I stood there and talked until the sun went down. I talked about what my life has been like since she passed and what it may turn into in the next few months. I asked her questions about what treatment was

like, praying she would somehow get through to me and tell me what to do. I never realized it until last night, but she did get through to me; through Emily. . Em, do you remember the conversation we had before I decided to start treatment? Didnt you just ask me this question? I told you I would never forget it, ever. Right? It seemed out of body, like I was watching us talk from a different perspective, or watching a scene from a move. I remember exactly what I said. I told you I didnt plan on receiving treatment. Dr. Mullings said my options were receiving treatment and having an excruciatingly painful few months before any progress could be made, if there was any made, including two high-risk surgeries, and a lot of chemotherapy. Or, I could opt out of treatment and have six-eight months to live. She said my cough would progressively get worse, but painkillers would aid in anything bothering me. I couldnt stand the thought of going through chemo and become trapped in a shell of my former self. I didnt want my what could have been my last Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas, to be terrible holidays for the people that I cared most about. I wanted to be able to enjoy the food I was eating. I wanted to be able to dance and sing along to Christmas songs. I didnt want to be miserable on a couch eating tasteless food and throwing it up because of the nausea. Thats not how I wanted to go out, I wanted to go out on my own terms in my own way. Yeah, and do you remember what I said to you? I told you to stop being a coward. To stop convincing yourself giving up to this disease is heroic and choosing your fate of acceptance is noble. Its bullshit. You got sick, and yeah the journey to remission has been hell, but isnt it worth it? I mean, look at what your Mother went through and how hard she struggled to have more time with you guys. Exactly. Em, I realized that when my Mother passed, you filled that void in my heart with your endless love and support. You are the reason I decided to accept the treatment and battle through it. It was you. At 3 AM last night, while devouring pizza bagels, I couldnt stop thinking about how thankful I am to have you in my life and how today would mean the world to me, having everyone together in your home, enjoying the holiday. Having gone through the surgeries and chemo and endless hospital visits Ive come to realize what really means the world to me; and its this. Its sitting down at a table with great friends and family and just enjoying each others company. I couldnt care less about anything else. Its not like were all going to live very long lives together. Jesus Gracy, dark much? Im sorry but its most likely true. Im lucky Im here today. What Im trying to say is we should not worry about the petty stuff. Not worry about having one too many drinks, or spending a little too much on those shoes, or staying out just past our bedtimes. Of all the things my Mother had ever said to me, there is one that I remember more vividly than the rest. It must have been during my first semester at Emerson, I got a parking ticket for parking in the wrong resident zone when I was running late for class. I called her and apologized for getting the ticket telling her I would pay for it and it would never happen again. She said, Grace, I dont care about that stupid parking ticket, and neither should you. If a forty dollar ticket is your biggest worry, you have it pretty easy. Today, I think have it pretty easy.

Alright, Jesus Christ Gracy, can we please eat this fucking turkey?