All for Maria

Steve M. Benner SmashWords Edition Copyright Steve M. Benner 2014 Maria. It s al!ays "een a"o#t her. Every day I sit at my des$ !ith one eye trained on the glass fronting my offi%e& my ears t#ned to the familiar so#nd of her shoes on the hard linole#m' !aiting for that first sight of her !al$ing past& !aiting to see that sens#o#s s!ay of hers. Whatever %omes "efore that sight is lost in the irrelevan%e that %overs all pre%eding events' getting o#t of "ed& dressing& eating& driving' all lost. I long to see her pass& to "egin my day. Maria is so yo#ng& so attra%tive. She e(#des the e(#"eran%e of yo#th' that na)vet* that life "eats o#t of most of #s "y age 2+. ,er feat#res are s#%h that she seems to "e smiling even !hen she is not. ,er %lothes are smart& meant to a%%ent a fig#re that garners the passing glan%es of men !ho have seen it every day for years& and yet %ontin#es to attra%t their eyes li$e iron to magnet. A fig#re that other !omen hate. ,er ma$e#p is light eno#gh to give the appearan%e of not "eing there at all& and her hair is li$e a "la%$ !aterfall& spilling off her sho#lders& to pool #pon her petite "reasts. ,er steel-grey eyes and "right red lips are gems that highlight her perfe%tly proportioned feat#res' her %opper s$in dar$ly glo!s as if lit from deep !ithin. A faint hint of lavender trails in her !a$e& e(tending her presen%e even after she s gone. She is a for%e of nat#re& a .re%ian nymph& an e(/#isite instr#ment of sed#%tion. I say 0,ello1 or 02le1 to her !hen I pass her in the hall!ays. I ve as$ed aro#nd to find o#t more a"o#t her& li$e her f#ll name& Maria Isa"el Mende3. ,er 4o" is as a floater for the steno pool& filling in !herever needed. My assigned se%retary is rarely o#t& prompting me to !ish her de%lining health. Maria also ma$es the %offee for those of #s addi%ted to that parti%#lar "everage. I set my trap for her' !aiting to set my plan in motion I ma$e s#re the %offeema$er is empty. 5his !ill event#ally dra! Maria to the small $it%hen and l#n%h area near o#r offi%es. 6ater that day& !hen I hear her footsteps& I move non%halantly to o#r rende3vo#s& entering the $it%hen 4#st after her. She is !earing a tight-fitting dar$-red dress that sho!s 4#st eno#gh %leavage to not "e provo%ative and that flo!s do!n to her $nees& %learly o#tlining the fig#re "eneath. I smell a faint hint of lavender mingling !ith that of the %offee. 07B#enos d8as& Maria Isa"el.1 She t#rns aro#nd to loo$ at me& 0,ola& Se9or ,amilton& %omo esta:1 0I m fine& than$ yo#. Wo#ld yo# mind 4oining me for a %#p of %offee' I d li$e to as$ yo# a fe! /#estions.1 She nods& and I dire%t her to one of only three ta"les in the l#n%h room& !here !e sit opposite ea%h other. 0I g#ess yo# $no! me.1 02f %o#rse& everyone tal$s a"o#t yo#& Mr. ,amilton.1 05hat s interesting !hat do they say: And please %all me ;i%$.1 0I !ill try& ;i%$& "#t it is hard to over%ome one s #p"ringing. 5o "e honest& I don t thin$ they li$e yo# very m#%h and many are afraid of yo#. 0Well& that s very typi%al of pla%es I visit.1

0What e(a%tly do yo# do:1 0I visit %ompanies that are not doing !ell and t#rn them aro#nd so they re profita"le again. Mainly "y the li"eral distri"#tion of pin$ slips& #s#ally to e(e%#tives !ho have "e%ome la3y& greedy& and<or over%onfident. A friend had on%e referred to me as a professional maggot. ,e said I eat o#t the rotting parts of a %ompany to save the !hole. 5ho#gh apt& the metaphor left m#%h to "e desired& at least in terms of image.1 0=o# re right& not a very flattering %omment. 5hen yo# m#st have "een the one to fire Mr. Mende3:1 0=ep& that !as me.1 0,e has a "ig family and is a very ni%e man.1 05hat may "e tr#e& "#t irrelevant to me. ,e !as dead!ood to the %ompany and had to go. It s not personal' it s "#siness. Most of the people I let go are e(e%#tives& and they don t stay #nemployed long. B#t it s a "lo! to their egos.1 0;o! I see !hy yo# are disli$ed and feared.1 I soften my voi%e. 0Are yo# afraid of me:1 0;ot at all. I thin$ yo# are a very ni%e man&1 she replies !ith a very "road smile. 05ell me ho! yo# ended #p here:1 0I ve "een revamping %ompanies for almost ten years. When I started this 4o"& it d seemed important to $eep the fa%tories going to provide 4o"s' I !anted to help re"#ild things after seeing so m#%h destr#%tion d#ring the War. B#t I soon reali3ed that the real "enefa%tors !ere the o!ners& so !hat little "it of so%ial %ons%ien%e I had slo!ly eroded a!ay along !ith years. A"o#t three months ago& my "oss as$ed ho! good my Spanish !as& and I told him it !as "arely intelligi"le. ,e said that !as %lose eno#gh and told me to pa%$ and head do!n here to fi( this failing s#"sidiary. I g#ess I really didn t mind& so here I am.1 0What a"o#t yo#r family:1 I !anted to tell her my life in the States has "een red#%ed to an endless stream of "l#rred images& li$e "ad snapshots in an al"#m of middle-%lass s#"#r"an life> drin$s !ith my %o-!or$ers' drin$s alone' arg#ments !ith a "itter e(-!ife too old and too personality defi%ient to find another mate' o"ligatory visits from a da#ghter !ho treats me li$e a so%ial leper' a 4o" that "e%ame so ro#tine that "oredom is in the 4o" des%ription. B#t I de%ide that !o#ld "e m#%h too personal. 0I have a da#ghter that s 1?' she spends most of her time !ith my e(. 5hat s a"o#t it.1 0=o# so#nd lonely& and I thin$ yo# may also feel some!hat #nappre%iated. I m s#re yo#r 4o" does not endear yo# to the people !or$ing here.1 06et s 4#st say I don t get many invitations for drin$s after !or$. I %an t really %omplain' I do all right. B#t eno#gh a"o#t my sorry life& I !ant to $no! more a"o#t yo#. =o#r English s m#%h "etter than my Spanish. ,o! d that happen:1 0.ra%ias. I thin$ yo# are "etter at o#r lang#age than yo# let on. As to my English& my #n%le lived in the States for a long time and !as fl#ent in English. Bet!een his infl#en%e& the English I had in s%hool& and !or$ing !ith the Ameri%ans& I ve gotten pretty good at it.1 0I ve "een !anting to tal$ to yo#& and sometimes it s hard to tal$ privately to someone aro#nd here. Can I as$ yo# a favor:1 02f %o#rse yo# %an& "#t yo# need not %at%h me to as$ me something.1 She smiles at this seeing thro#gh my not so s#"tle trap.

0I have "een here a !hile no! and have not really gotten o#t of the to#rist areas to see the real %ity. I !as !ondering !here yo# go after !or$ and if I %o#ld tag along:1 ,er star$ly "l#e eyes meet mine& and a %oy smile emerges& 0Are yo# as$ing me on a date& Se9or ,amilton:1 My heart s$ips a "eat' l#%$ily I don t "l#sh. 0;o& no. Sorry& I didn t mean to imply that. I 4#st !ant to 4oin yo# !hen yo# go o#t !ith yo#r friends. I need yo# to sho! me pla%es that foreigners rarely get to see. =o# $no!& life "ehind the fa%ade.1 0Well& ;i%$& some nights I 4oin some of my friends to tal$. May"e yo# !o#ld li$e to 4oin me:1 0I d love to.1 I hope she is serio#s and not 4#st saying this to end the %onversation. 05hat !o#ld "e fine. I ll let yo# $no!.1 I didn t $no! ho! to end the meeting so I a!$!ardly rea%h for her hand to sha$e it' her grip s firm& and I feet the tingling of her s$in. Something passes "et!een #s& something ethereal. I m s#re she feels it too& tho#gh her eyes give no indi%ation. 5hose eyes. A man %o#ld get lost in them& and may"e I did. I spend the rest of the day p#shing her image o#t of my mind& trying to !or$& "#t those eyes $eep !or$ing their !ay "a%$ into my tho#ghts. I $no! !hat l#st is and !hat o"session is& "#t this is neither& it s something softer and more %aring. It to#%hes something deep inside of me& an #n%ons%io#s need& a psy%hi% void. @#ring the ne(t fe! days& I managed to engage Maria in hall!ay %onversations& mostly in referen%e to highlights of the %ity and a"o#t her life here. She gre! #p near"y and has $no!ledge a"o#t the !or$ings of the %ity !ay "eyond the saniti3ed g#ide"oo$s and %ompany-s#pplied "ro%h#res. She& in t#rn& as$ed me a"o#t the States& the %ompany& my "a%$gro#nd& my opinion of her %ity& her %o#ntry& o#r !orldAessentially everything. ,er mind mat%hes the high standard set "y her appearan%e& a"sor"ing ne! ideas and %on%epts li$e !ater on par%hed earth. She %harms me !itho#t menda%ity. I %ontrol myself' $eeping in %he%$ the emotions that simmer #nder the s#rfa%e. I hide the feelings that ha#nt me at night& feelings that assail me !hen I m alone& !hen I m v#lnera"le. I %ompensate !ith al%ohol' al%ohol %an n#m" the "rain and $eep tho#ghts from gelling into something %oherent& and potentially painf#l. It s only a"o#t a !ee$ later that she %omes to my offi%e. 0Well& ;i%$& tomorro! night I m 4oining some of my friends at a lo%al "ar. =o# are !el%ome to 4oin me.1 0I !ill. Why don t I pi%$ yo# #p after !or$ and drive yo#:1 05hat !o#ld "e fine. I ll see yo# tomorro! after !or$.1 It seemed li$e forever from that %onversation to !hen I am to meet her after !or$. I have tro#"le %on%entrating on my !or$> at night& I lift the restraints and let my mind e(plore the possi"ilities "#t to !hat end: What am I am see$ing in this: I %an t %omprehend my motives' I %annot "elieve this is 4#st a middle-aged man see$ing reass#ran%e in the arms of a yo#ng !oman. 5here has to "e more to it than that. I !ill have to let things play o#t to see. I drive my e(pensive rental %ar aro#nd to the front of o#r "#ilding and immediately spot Maria& standing o#t from the gro#p li$e a "ea%on in the fog. She has %hanged %lothes' she !ears "la%$ 4eans that tightly h#g her hips and legs& loose-fitting !hite "lo#se t#%$ed in at the !aist& and no "ra. She gets into the %ar and slides to!ard me on the "en%h seat. I smell lavender !ith a hint of perspiration' a sh#dder r#ns thro#gh me. I find it diffi%#lt to loo$ at her& in spite of ho! "adly I !ant to.

0,i& Maria. Where !e headed:1 02l*& ;i%$& drive straight ahead. I ll give yo# dire%tions as !e go.1 I p#t myself in her hands !itho#t reservation and follo! her dire%tions !itho#t /#estion. I p#sh do!n the a%%elerator' the sedan l#r%hes for!ard& heading for o#r destination and my advent#re. She rolls the !indo! do!n' her hair dan%es in the artifi%ial "ree3e. 5he t!ilight is h#mid& "#t the air is %ool !ith a hint of rain near"y& a distan%e e%ho of th#nder. We sit in a!$!ard silen%e for a !hile& "ro$en only "y her voi%e telling me !here to t#rn. Binally. 0;i%$& I m s#rprised that someone li$e yo# !o#ld !ant to visit the pla%es I go for f#n.1 0What do yo# mean "y Csomeone li$e me: 1 0I mean someone !ho is !ell off. I !o#ld have tho#ght yo# d so%iali3e !ith a more e(%l#sive %ro!d.1 06isten& my father !as a fa%tory !or$er& and my mom !as a tea%her. We !ere never !ell off. I only made it into that #pper %r#st yo# mention !hen I !as in my thirties. I haven t forgotten my "eginnings& tho#gh they are "e%oming a little f#33y.1 We %ontin#e to tal$ a"o#t o#r lives& mostly "enign things& nothing %ontroversial' neither of #s $no!s the other !ell eno#gh to tal$ a"o#t o#r real str#ggles& hopes& s%ars& dreamsAto really open #p. We are %a#tio#sly pro"ing& esta"lishing "o#ndaries. Soon !e are at the edge of the "arrio. 5he "#ildings ta$e on a more dilapidated appearan%e& not so m#%h r#n do!n& as "#ilt "adly& %heaply. Maria %ontin#es to provide dire%tions& and I drive do!n narro!ing streets& s/#ee3ing "y %arts f#ll of vegeta"les& fr#its& tires& 4#n$& $ids& and past people on s%ooters and "i$es. 5here are very fe! %ars. It s very slo! going' I hon$ only to let my presen%e "e $no!n& not to %omplain. After a "it& Maria tells me to p#ll into an alley to par$. I tell her I m !orried a"o#t the %ar& "#t she says it !ill "e safe' she ll ta$e %are of it. 5here are a lot of people on the streets. Color is every!here' the "rightly %olored %lothing %reates a moving panoply of %olor& li$e a painting "y Se#rat or .a#g#in. In star$ %ontrast to the %ondition of the "#ildings& the people %learly ta$e pride in their attire. 5here still are those& sprin$led among the %ro!d& !ho are dressed in dirty !or$ %lothes or even in rags& "#t they are the e(%eptions. It s Briday night& and people are o#t to en4oy themselves& even those that have to !or$ the ne(t day. Where s the military& the heavily armed men that are on every %orner in the areas I fre/#ent: Maria says they are here& 4#st dressed to "lend in. I find this dist#r"ing for some reason. Are they afraid: Are they spying: Maria leads me to!ard a t!o-story "#ilding' a faded sign a"ove the door reads 06os 6agartos ;egros.1 It s strongly "#ilt of ado"e' dar$ !ater strea$s mar the !hite!ashed front. It s old& li$e a %antina o#t of the old West. I follo! Maria thro#gh the front door& half e(pe%ting to see "anditos !ith "andoliers %riss%rossing their %hests. It smells li$e a typi%al "ar !ith the #s#al miasma of smo$e. An old !ooden "ar r#ns the length of the right side of the room. Datrons per%h on stools along its length. =o#ng ad#lts& %ollegeaged $ids& o%%#py most of the ta"les that fill the rest of the room. In %ontrast to the old "#ilding e(terior& the d*%or inside is %ontemporary' the f#rnishings are relatively ne!. A "and of three g#itarists is playing in the "a%$' near"y %o#ples gyrate to the m#si% on a small dan%e floor. 5here are a fe! older people at the "ar n#rsing their drin$s and !at%hing the dan%ers. 5here s not the %r#sh I d seen at the high-%lass "ars !ith a little

less din' it s more %ond#%ive to %onversation. As r#n-do!n "ars go& it s not "ad. Maria loo$s aro#nd the room& spotting her friends seated in the far left %orner' she !aves& smiling "roadly. She %overs the distan%e to the ta"le in a half-do3en steps and !raps her arms aro#nd a yo#ng man !ho stands #p to greet her. A sharp pain shoots thro#gh me' I slo!ly follo! her. Maria gra"s my left hand and introd#%es me to the gro#p. I !ant to $no! her friends' I %on%entrate on remem"ering their names> Este"an& Eorge& Eovita& Da"lo& and Camila. 5hey are all in their mid-t!enties and attra%tive' one or t!o loo$ li$e they are from the middle or #pper %lass. Maria and I sit do!n at the ta"le' she ne(t to Este"an& and I ne(t to Eovita. A heavy-set !aiter !ith a dirty apron "rings a ro#nd of "eers' Eovita offers me one. It s %ool& !et& and "itter' I ve had a lot !orse. My attention is on the heated %onversation "et!een Este"an and Maria' I a%t li$e my attention is else!here. I pi%$ #p the gist. ,e is as$ing !hy she !o#ld "ring a gringo& an o#tsider& here !hen they have important things to dis%#ss. Maria %o#nters that I m not a threat and any!ay I don t $no! Spanish& a lie I appre%iate. ,e %on%edes only !hen he reali3es he s not going to !in. Este"an is a handsome man !ith dar$ hair& eyes& and %omple(ion and a strong& !iry "ody& "#t only a"o#t five and a half feet tall' a half-foot shorter than me. ,e s also "right& hot-tempered. Derhaps he sees me as a %ompetitor for Maria s affe%tions' a good ass#mption. 5he gro#p immediately res#mes its %onvivial %onversations !ith sporadi% la#ghter "rea$ing o#t aro#nd the ta"le. I spend my time ma$ing polite small tal$ !ith Eovita in her "ro$en English and in my fa$e-minimal Spanish. Eovita has short "ro!n hair and large "ro!n eyes' she is distra%tingly %#te. I listen intently to !hat the others are saying& !hile sim#ltaneo#sly trying to hold a %onversation !ith Eovita. 5hey re not tal$ing a"o#t anything spe%ial' more a"o#t s%hool and !ho s seeing !hom. 2%%asionally& t!o of the gro#p !ill "end their heads together to tal$ in very lo! voi%es' impossi"le for anyone more than a foot a!ay to hear. Aro#nd the "ar& arg#ments er#pt periodi%ally' everyone t#rns to see !hat s going on' to see if it s the pre%#rsor to a fight. Every no! and then Eorge does a vis#al s!eep of the room& his eyes $eep settling on a man at the "ar. I ta$e a loo$ at the o"4e%t of his ga3e' the man is !earing sha""y %lothes' he s o#t of pla%e for some reason' his demeanor or the !ay he stands. ,is shoes seem too e(pensive %ompared to the rest of his attire. Eorge s ga3e stops on me as !ell. I don t thin$ he tr#sts me' I $eep a "lan$ stare& something I learned !ell !hile spying for the 2SS d#ring the War& then smile. 5he revelry and drin$ing goes on for a %o#ple ho#rs. 5he "eer and long hard day ta$e their toll on me' I start to fade. Maria noti%es my eyelids "eginning to get heavy' she p#ts her arm in mine and as$s if I %o#ld ta$e her home no!. She s doing it for my sa$e& "#t I %an t really arg#e' if I don t leave soon& I ll "e asleep. Este"an and I lo%$ eyes. ,e s not happy. ,e m#st normally ta$es her home' he !onders !hat my intentions are. I don t %are. Maria and I get to the %ar& so !e re alone in the front seat. I drive as she gives me instr#%tions. I %an smell her again' the al%ohol has !ea$ened my restraint. I !ant to say something to her& e(press ho! strongly I feel a"o#t her. 5he /#estion is ho! @2 I feel a"o#t her: I m filled !ith %ompeting emotions' the %onfli%t $eeps me silent. I par$ in front of her %omple(. 5he street lighting is minimal' the "#ilding s one of the %on%rete monstrosities the government li$es to sho! off as #r"an rene!al. 5he overall effe%t is depressing& fore"oding' I m instantly %on%erned for Maria s safety. She ass#res me that it s a%t#ally a ni%e neigh"orhood& a middle-%lass !or$er s /#arter. She

as$s me #p for %offee& and I rel#%tantly a%%ept& a%$no!ledging to myself that this may not "e a smart move& "#t $no!ing I %o#ld #se the %offee. We !al$ #p the three steps to a "la%$ metal door& !hi%h she opens !ith a $ey. 5he inside is %lean and !ell maintained' a set of painted metal stairs leads #p to her apartment& n#m"er F& on the se%ond floor. She #nlo%$s her door. Entering& !e re shro#ded in dar$ness #ntil her fingers fli%$ on a floor lamp near the door. ,er apartment is small& li$e a modest one-"edroom in the States' !arm& %o3y. 5here are only t!o rooms> a living room<dining room<$it%hen and a "edroom& pres#ma"ly there s a "athroom some!here as !ell' "oth ma4or rooms are very stylishly f#rnished. Maria goes to the so-%alled $it%hen& in reality a sin$ and hot plate separated from the living room "y a $nee !all& and starts ma$ing %offee. My offer to help is de%lined. I !al$ aro#nd the apartment' there are photos of people on the !alls' on almost every s#rfa%e. 0=o#r family m#st "e h#ge&1 I say. 0In o#r %o#ntry& even %o#sins are %onsidered part of o#r immediate family& so it s not all that large.1 0I hardly even $no! my %o#sins& even first %o#sins "a%$ in the States. I see yo# have some E#ropean an%estors. 5hey m#st have given yo# those "ea#tif#l eyes.1 0.ra%ias& yo# re s!eet.1 She "rings me the %offee' !e sit on the %o#%h& at opposite ends. 5he s!eat spots #nder her arms gives her "lo#se a pat%hy transparen%y' her nipples are hard and %learly o#tlined in fa"ri%. It s hard not to loo$. 05ell me a"o#t yo#r parents.1 I stare at a ne!ly !ed %o#ple in a photo that loo$s to "e a"o#t 40 years old. 0My mother did la#ndry and se!ing. She made most of my %lothes !hen I !as gro!ing #p. She really !as talented. My father !or$ed in the shoe fa%tory for 2G years& #ntil he !as too %rippled "y arthritis to !or$ anymore& then the fa%tory dismissed him.1 0@id yo# get anything for his years of servi%e:1 05hey gave him a small pension& "#t it !asn t eno#gh to really live on. Mother $ept ta$ing in la#ndry and repairing %lothes "e%a#se !e needed the money. 5han$f#lly& "efore father died& they !ere a"le to pay for my ed#%ation thro#gh high s%hool and t!o years in a trade s%hool& !here I learned se%retarial s$ills. I managed to get a 4o" to s#pplement o#r meager in%ome.1 0What happened to them:1 0Bather s health after he left the fa%tory !as "ad and %ontin#ed to get !orse. We didn t have money for real medi%al help& so a lo%al man& !ho $ne! native %#res& !o#ld drop "y to treat him. B#t it didn t help' a"o#t five years ago this last May he died in his sleep. Mother too$ his death very hard and died 10 months later& pro"a"ly of a "ro$en heart.1 0I ve very sorry to hear that. I g#ess they had yo# pretty late in life.1 0=es& I !as one of those mira%le "a"ies that happened !hen all hope of having a %hild is gone. 5hey loved me very m#%h and !or$ed very hard to give me !hat they never had.1 05hey seemed li$e !onderf#l people I !ish I had met them. 5hey s#re did a !onderf#l 4o" on yo#.1 0.ra%ias& ;i%$.1

I de%ide to 4#st 4#mp right into the s#"4e%t eating at me all night. 0It !orries me that yo# are asso%iating !ith anti-government radi%als.1 0What gives yo# that idea:1 0I ve seen the "ehavior many times. I !as trained to re%ogni3e it. 5he f#rtive glan%es aro#nd the "ar& the %onversations in !hispers& and se%retive "ody lang#age. Are yo# saying I m !rong:1 0I m not saying anything. If I !ere a mem"er of some se%ret radi%al gro#p& do yo# really thing I !o#ld tal$ a"o#t it to 4#st any"ody: After all I have only $no!n yo# for a month. As it is& 4#st ta$ing yo# to meet my friends pro"a"ly !as not the !isest move& "#t I felt I %o#ld tr#st yo#. Can I tr#st yo#:1 0=es& yo# %an. =o# re right. I !o#ld "e %aref#l too& seeing as ho! s#%h information %o#ld get yo# $illed.1 05hose people yo# met tonight are my %losest friends. I have a lot of relatives as yo# mentioned "#t I g#ess I don t fit in !ith them anymore. I thin$ it has to do !ith the politi%s of the %ompany I $eep. My friends are my family no!. Even so& don t yo# s#pport freedom: =o# re an Ameri%an.1 0@on t fool yo#rself. Ameri%ans may "elieve in demo%ra%y& "#t it s al!ays a"o#t po!er and money. I "elieve in freedom only !hen it !on t get me shot. I lost all my yo#thf#l indignation a"o#t in4#sti%e in the !orld at the same time I lost my yo#th. I have eno#gh pro"lems !at%hing o#t for n#m"er one.1 0I don t thin$ yo# re as %yni%al as yo# ma$e o#t. I thin$ yo# !o#ld "e !ith #s if this !as yo#r %o#ntry.1 0@#ring the War& I !as a spy in the 2SS and had to do a lot of things of !hi%h I m not pro#d& horri"le things' things I d 4#st as soon forget. I did !hat I did "e%a#se I "elieved it !as for everyone s freedom& "#t my memories are hard to re%on%ile !ith that. May"e yo# re right. I !o#ld li$e to thin$ so& "#t I haven t really "een $eeping #p !ith %#rrent events in yo#r %o#ntry.1 I let it drop for no!. We %ontin#e to tal$ for another ho#r& thro#gh another %#p of %offee. She tal$s a"o#t !hat she does for f#n& needle!or$& and sho!s me some of her !or$. It s "ea#tif#l' she says her mother ta#ght her. We 4#mp from topi% to topi%' she s !ell read& has a /#i%$ mind& and has very !ell tho#ght o#t opinions. It "others her that she is some!hat estranged from her e(tended family' I thin$ she s lonely. Wat%hing her %aref#lly& I marvel at her. She has a ha"it of t!isting one of her "lo#se "#ttons "et!een her fingers !hen she is nervo#s or %on%entrating. 5his dra!s my eyes inadvertently do!n to her "lo#se& !hi%h em"arrasses me. As it is& my !illpo!er s e""ing !ith my energy& so I de%ide to leave "efore saying or doing something st#pid. 0I sho#ld go. I need to !or$ tomorro!.1 I lie& as I get #p from the %o#%h. She !al$s me to the door and leans in to $iss me on the %hee$. I %an smell the mi( of her perf#me and s!eat& feel the heat from her fa%e& feel the to#%h of her hand on my arm' it s almost over!helming& time stops. She smiles #p at me and loo$s deep into my eyes. 5he #rge to !rap my arms aro#nd her& to hold her& to prote%t her !ells #p in me and is almost irresisti"le' I resist. She says& 0I m glad yo# %ame& yo# sho#ld %ome again.1 I tell her sin%erely& 0I !ill try&1 and leave. Ba%$ in my room& I ta$e a %old sho!er& then lay in "ed for an ho#r trying to sleep. I m %onfli%ted a"o#t my feelings for Maria' it s not l#st. It s a love "#t one hard to

%ategori3e. What type of f#t#re do I foresee' !hat part does Maria play in it: It s almost da!n "y the time I finally s#%%eed in falling asleep. 5he after-!or$ e(%#rsions !ith Maria and her friends "e%omes a reg#lar o%%#rren%e' on%e or t!i%e a !ee$ for a month. My feelings for her deepen !ith ea%h e(%#rsion' !ith ea%h n#gget of information a"o#t her. Slo!ly the gro#p gets #sed to me "#t still doesn t tr#st me' they re s#spi%io#s& g#arded. 2ne night !hen Maria and I arrive at the tavern& Este"an and Eorge are standing o#tside the tavern in a heated arg#ment !ith t!o #niformed men' poli%e or paramilitary. As !e approa%h& the %onversation seems to "e heading to!ard the arrest of Maria s friends on !hat %harge I m not s#re. I "egin addressing the poli%emen& telling them I m an Ameri%an& and these t!o yo#ng men are nephe!s of my !ife. 5hey hesitate. I %ontin#e on the offensive "y as$ing !hy are my relatives "eing threatened !ith arrest' !hat s the %harge: 5hey say it s p#"li% dr#n$enness and loitering. I la#gh at this& saying they %an t "e& !e haven t even "eg#n drin$ing. With that& I p#t my arms aro#nd Eorge s and Este"an s sho#lders' !e head into the tavern as a %on4oined %l#ster !ith Maria follo!ing %lose "ehind. 5he offi%ers are inde%isive and do not follo!. When !e get to the ta"le& Eorge says in Spanish& 0.ra%ias& I thin$ they meant to arrest #s.1 0I thin$ yo# re right& "#t I do#"t that they really have anything on yo#' it !as more li$e harassment. When I p#shed them& their plan %ollapsed. At least no! yo# $no! they are on to yo#r a%tivities.1 0Well& !e appre%iate the help.1 ,e seems to really mean it. 0.lad I %o#ld help.1 5hat night the gro#p seems a little more rela(ed aro#nd me' slightly less %a#tio#s "#t the s#spi%ion is still there. I %an t "lame them' I didn t tr#st anyone !hen I !as in the field d#ring the War. 5he pattern %ontin#es for another month& "#t no! I pi%$ #p more and more of the se%ret %onversations. 5he gro#p is amate#r in their approa%h to "eing %landestine. 5hey seem to have no r#les on se%#rity. 5hey meet in the open' most of their family mem"ers $no! !hat they are doing' they have no sense of the danger they are in nor ho! their opponents operate. 5hey don t even have a gro#p str#%t#re. Eorge s the smart levelheaded leader. ,e s similar to Este"an in appearan%e& tho#gh taller and !itho#t the temper. 5he rest of the gro#p doesn t seem to have assigned d#ties' it s more li$e a "oo$ %l#" dis%#ssion gro#p& than a radi%al anti-government %ell. 5hey aren t any threat to the government at this stage' "#t it s from little seeds li$e this that real re"ellions gro!. By no!& the government has thi%$ folders on all these $ids' pl#s one on me I m s#re. It d "e interesting to hear !hat they thin$ of my involvement. Most of my a%tivities d#ring the War are still %lassified& "#t& if they %an read "et!een the lines& they %o#ld fig#re o#t a lot a"o#t me. I hope not. I s#ggest to Maria that I have e(perien%e it this type of a%tivity and %o#ld help' to pass this offer on to Eorge. B#t nothing %omes of it. I manage to pro%#re a "la%$4a%$& li$e the one I #sed in the field. It s easy to %on%eal' not as lethal as a $nife or g#n' and& if %a#ght holding one& doesn t get one in as m#%h tro#"le& li$e "eing s#spe%ted as a spy. At home& I al!ays have my straight ra3or for lethality' a %ommon item that doesn t la"el someone as an assassin "y having it' li$e a g#n !o#ld. 5hese a%tivities "ring #p emotions I haven t felt sin%e the War' they re e(hilarating& #ne(pe%ted. I m getting "a%$

in the .ame. 5he evening meetings %ontin#e into the ne(t month. I don t add my voi%e to the politi%al dis%#ssions& $no!ing I m not really !el%ome nor is it my pla%e nor my fight. Instead& I listen and digest ideas. ;ot having m#%h "een into politi%s sin%e the War& espe%ially those of third-!orld %o#ntries& I find the e(%hanges fas%inating. I try to dis%#ss the %o#ntry s politi%s !ith my %olleag#es at !or$& "#t they sho! a disinterest similar to my o!n& prior to meeting Maria. Maria tells me that she and her friends plan to "e part of a mass protest that !ill mar%h do!n the main street of the %ity on Sat#rday. I don t li$e this. 5here is danger in ma$ing yo#r vie!point p#"li%& espe%ially !hen yo#r opponent is "etter armed and a lot meaner. I tell Maria this. She says she s %ommitted' I tell her 4o$ingly she sho#ld "e. She la#ghs. I still !orry. 2n the appointed day& I m in the %ro!d !at%hing from the sidelines& trying to spot Maria. I see several men dressed in %heap s#its and s#nglasses !at%hing the protesters and ta$ing pi%t#res. It s not too hard to g#ess that they re mem"ers of the internal se%#rity for%e. I 0a%%identally1 step in front of their %ameras !henever I %an. 5he protesters are a mi(ed lot& mostly yo#ng !ith a sprin$ling of the elderly. 5hey are dressed in "right-%olored %lothing that ma$es them seem li$e they re heading for a festival& "#t the #praised fists and sho#ting dispel that image. 5hey are sho#ting a"o#t freedom& ele%tions& %arrying pla%ards !ith typi%al slogans. I don t see any indi%ations of violen%e li$e ro%$ thro!ing or attempts to overt#rn %ars' it seems to "e pretty %alm %ompared to some protests I ve seen. ,o!ever things %an go "ad fast !ith large gro#ps of people li$e this. As the protesters approa%h the pla3a in front of the %apital "#ilding& a ro! of poli%e e/#ipped !ith riot gear and gas mas$s is !aiting. Bearing for Maria& I move into the %ro!d of protesters& sear%hing. I m getting an(io#s for her !itho#t regard to the fa%t I m no! part of the mo"& a target. 5he protesters stop short of the soldiers "#t %ontin#e sho#ting angrily. Canisters spo#ting smo$e fly over the soldiers and into the pa%$ed protesters' a fe! try to thro! them "a%$& "#t the rest "egin to s%atter as the tear gas ta$es hold. 5he poli%e line "egins moving for!ard& %l#""ing those that do not flee fast eno#gh. I m "e%oming franti%' have to find her. I spot some of Maria s friends in a %l#ster and move to!ard them. Maria is seated on the pavement !ith "lood r#nning from s%rapes on "oth $nees. A poli%eman r#ns #p and gra"s one of her arms' my "la%$4a%$ lays him o#t "efore he %an do anything. I /#i%$ly pi%$ her #p. She o"4e%ts' she s !orried a"o#t her friends. ;ot $no!ing their fates& I tell her they ll "e fine' my only %on%ern is for her. My %ar is a good 10 "lo%$s from the s/#are. I move to e(tri%ate myself from the protestors and "y-standers that have no! "eg#n to mi( as the protesters retreat from the poli%e line. Some of the protesters are fighting "a%$ "y thro!ing things at the poli%e& mostly gar"age off the street "#t a fe! ro%$s "egin "o#n%ing off the shields. 5he poli%e rea%t "y moving o#t in small gro#ps to %l#" an individ#al& regardless of se(& and drag them off. 5he violen%e is rat%heting #p' time for me to "eat a hasty retreat. Movement is hard sin%e I m not the only one thin$ing this is not a good pla%e to "e. I loo$ "a%$ to see a %ar on fire 4#st as it s gas tan$ e(plodes sending streams of fire in all dire%tions' %overing poli%e and %ro!d !ith flames. I st#m"le a fe! times d#e to the 4ostling and the litter %overing the gro#nd& "#t don t fall. My arms tire "#t Maria !raps

her arms aro#nd my ne%$ to relieve them. My heart is ra%ing& "#t as to !hether it is d#e to Maria s !armth or the sit#ation I %an t tell& nor don t I have m#%h time to d!ell on the matter. I need to get her to my %ar and o#t of danger. I finally see my %ar and %arry her there' pla%ing her gently into the "a%$ seat. I r#n #p to the door of a nearly ho#se& and& after e(plaining !hat I need& an elder !oman gives me some !et rags. A steady stream of tears flo!s from my eyes& "#t I %an see. Maria s eyes are red and almost s!ollen sh#t' I %aref#lly !ipe them !ith the rag. 5he %oolness helps. I lightly $iss her forehead. I then start to tenderly !ipe the "lood and dirt from her $nees' I r#n the rag over her smooth& "ro!n legs and #p her thighs. Event#ally she re%overs some sight& and I drive her "a%$ to her apartment' 4ostling my %ar thro#gh the %ro!ds. I p#t her in "ed. I ve promised to %he%$ on her friends& "#t "y the time I ret#rn& the pla3a is mostly empty. 2f people that is& sin%e there is the dendrites of the riot litter the pla3a' "ro$en "ottles& trash& pla%ards& and the o%%asional pool of "lood. 5here are still a n#m"er of small fires still "#rning !ith firemen /#i%$ly e(ting#ishing them. Maria s friends are either hiding or in 4ail' I have no !ay of determining !hi%h. I don t see Maria #ntil !or$ on Monday. ,er eyes are "a%$ to their #s#al& "ea#tif#l gray. She tells me that her friends are o$ay& tho#gh t!o !ere "eaten and almost arrested. She fears the government !ill %ra%$ do!n on dissidents' I agree. She and her friends need to $eep a lo! profile for the time "eing. It s t!o !ee$s "efore !e get together again at 6os 6agartos ;egros. Maria and I are there early. We order drin$s and !at%h as the rest of the gro#p tri%$les in over the ne(t half ho#r. Da"lo and Camilla enter /#ietly' "oth still have fa%ial "lot%hes of fading green from "r#ising almost healed. Eorge& the h#morless& nominal leader of the gro#p& arrives ne(t& follo!ed /#i%$ly "y Este"an and Eovita. Eorge "egins tal$ing almost immediately a"o#t f#t#re a%tions "y the main gro#p !ith !hi%h they are affiliated. ,e tal$s freely' he doesn t seem to "e !ary of my presen%e anymore. I m not s#re of !hy he s %hanged& "#t it may have "een the protest. 5he dis%#ssion revolves aro#nd !hat they& as a small gro#p& sho#ld do ne(t. My hotheaded rival Este"an says that there have "een reports of some arrests of protesters "y the se%#rity for%es& even some shootings. ,e !ants to ta$e some type of a%tion& even violent a%tion. Eorge is %almer and seems to have a "etter grasp of the sit#ation. C#te& normally silent Eovita says no! is not the time to do anything that !o#ld dra! attention. Da"lo and Camilla are silent and may still "e some!hat reti%ent d#e to their re%ent tri"#lations. I thin$ a"o#t saying something& "#t remain rel#%tant to inter4e%t my opinion. I loo$ at Maria& and she gives me a half smile. She $no!s !hat I m thin$ing. 5he gro#p agrees to lay lo! for a !hile #ntil things %alm do!n. As !e e(it the "ar& Este"an& Eovita& and Eorge start off do!n the street to o#r right. Da"lo& Maria& and I !ait for Camilla to #se the restroom "efore heading o#t. By the time she 4oins #s& the first three are a good half "lo%$ ahead of #s and 4#st a"o#t o#t of the street lighting in front of the "ar. As I !at%h& t!o men in s#its !al$ #p to the three' I see three flashes of light' hear three lo#d reports. Eorge drops listlessly to the gro#nd. A "la%$ sedan drives #p in a %lo#d of d#st& and the t!o men 4#mp in' the g#n is thro!n o#t of the !indo! as the sedan drives off. Este"an pi%$s #p the g#n' I see the flashes and hear the shots as he fires at the fleeing %ar. We r#n #p as a gro#p to %he%$ on Eorge. ,e s laying on his "a%$ !ith his legs "ent grotes/#ely "a%$ #nder him' his eyes partially open "#t not seeing. 5here are three "#llets holes& %enter mass& very professional' I d seen this

d#ring the War. A dar$ red stream "egins to pool in the d#st ne(t to the "ody. 5he girls are all %rying& $neeling ne(t to Eorge. I tell Da"lo to go "a%$ to the "ar and %all the poli%e. 5here s nothing to do "#t !ait. 5he poli%e sho! #p !ith their siren "laring. 5heir arrival is far too /#i%$' there s no !ay they %o#ld have %ome from more than five "lo%$s a!ay. 5!o men in light "ro!n #niforms e(it the %ar. As I move to tal$ to them& they %at%h sight of Este"an still holding the g#n. Immediately they p#ll o#t their o!n !eapons and tell Este"an to drop his. When he does& they advan%e /#i%$ly& thro!ing him hard to the gro#nd and hand%#ffing his arms "ehind his "a%$. I intervene& trying to tell them that he s not the shooter& "#t they ignore me and for%ef#lly toss Este"an into the "a%$ of the s/#ad %ar. 2ne offi%er t#rns to!ard me and as$s 0Ameri%an:1 I reply that I am' this visi"ly #psets him. ,e tal$s to the other offi%er& periodi%ally pointing at me' no! they "oth loo$ #pset. 2ne splits off to loo$ at Eorge s %orpse and %he%$s for a p#lse %oming to the o"vio#s %on%l#sion he s dead. Another %ar sho!s #p %ontaining t!o more poli%emen& !ho e(it and "eginning tal$ing !ith the first t!o. 5hey seem to "e mainly tal$ing a"o#t me and !hat my presen%e here means. I m an #n$no!n /#antity. I !al$ #p to the gro#p and start tal$ing to them in Spanish a"o#t !hat I sa!' that it !as t!o men that $illed Eorge and that they drove off in a %ar. 5hey stare at me li$e I m an alien !ith m#ltiple heads. Witho#t saying anything to me& one of the poli%emen 4#mps into the driver s side of the %ar !ith Este"an in the "a%$ and drives off /#i%$ly. I reiterate that Este"an !as not the $iller& "#t again the poli%eman 4#st stares. I m "eginning to thin$ they don t %are if Este"an is inno%ent nor do they !ant to tal$ to me. With tears streaming do!n her %hee$s& Maria starts yelling at the poli%e that he s inno%ent and that the $illers are getting a!ay. A poli%eman tells her to sh#t #p' I p#t my arm aro#nd her and glare at the %op' he sh#ts #p. Camilla and Eovita are holding ea%h other %rying. Da"lo 4#st stands there& st#nned li$e someone hit on he head. After another %onversational h#ddle& the three offi%ers "egin ta$ing o#r statements. 5hey treat me !ith diffiden%e' good move& %onsidering ho! mad I am. It s a good three ho#rs "efore the poli%e are done. 5he am"#lan%e has finally arrived to ta$e Eorge s "ody a!ay& and I leave to ta$e Maria to home. I do my "est to reass#re her that Este"an !ill "e all right& "efore heading home !ith my o!n do#"ts a"o#t his fate. 5he ne(t day I go to the poli%e head/#arters to tal$ to the %hief. ,e is a slightly over!eight man of a"o#t forty& "alding !ith a small m#sta%he and r#ddy %omple(ion. ,e s very #nhappy to see me "#t maintains his arrogant air. I tell him that t!o men in s#its $illed Eorge. I m %alm and polite. ,e tells me he is a!are of my statement& "#t he thin$s I !as too far a!ay to see !hat happened& espe%ially in the dar$. I e(plain to him I sa! the men %learly in the headlights of the %ar that pi%$ed them #p' my patien%e is e""ing. 5he fa%t that I m an Ameri%an fl#sters him' he %an t treat me li$e a lo%al. We tal$ more& "#t it s o"vio#s they ve already fo#nd Este"an g#ilty of m#rder. ,e s a %orr#pt %og in a %orr#pt ma%hine. I resist the #rge to 4#mp a%ross the des$ and $ill him' I m o#t!ardly %alm. Ba%$ in the street& I pi%$ #p a ne!spaper. 2n the front page& I read ho! Este"an $illed Eorge over a !oman& pres#ma"ly Eovita. ;o! at least I #nderstand the sit#ation' it !as a set #p. I immediately head for the HS em"assy. 5he "#ilding is an old mansion %onverted to an offi%e "#ilding' a little too ostentatio#s for an HS em"assy in this poor %o#ntry. I thin$

it %onveys the !rong message. I flash my passport to the #niformed g#ard to get thro#gh the gate. 5he mansion s o#tside is done in Bren%h Se%ond-Iep#"li% style !ith lots of short Corinthian %ol#mns on the e(terior of "oth floors. .ilt has "een lavishly applied "#t is !earing off in many pla%es and !atermar$s mar the fa%ade. I m es%orted in and end #p !aiting in a %omforta"le leather %hair in a "ea#tif#l room that has hard!ood !alls. 2ne !all is %overed !ith a "oo$%ase filled !ith old vol#mes& and opposite are de%orative Bren%h !indo!s leading o#t to a patio. 5hree empty %hairs 4oin mine aro#nd a ro#nd !ooden ta"le !ith a t#r/#oise eagle fig#re inlaid on the top. Adding the paintings on the !alls and gilt along the moldings& the room radiates de%aden%e. A !ell-dressed man approa%hes me !ith his hand o#t. ,e is a"o#t thirty-years old& !ell groomed& handsome& and %onfident. 0Mr. ,amilton:1 0=es&1 I say& rising from my %hair. We sha$e hands' his grip is strong& dry. 0,ello& I m Eason 5. Broo$er& Hnderse%retary to Am"assador .allo!ay. Dlease follo! me. We %an tal$ in my offi%e.1 0Is that an Annapolis ring:1 I follo! him do!n a hall to his offi%e. 0=es& I !ent to the HS ;aval A%ademy and did a stint in the ;avy. So& !hat %an I do for yo# today:1 ,e sits do!n "ehind his des$. I ta$e a %hair dire%tly in front. 5he room is similar to the !aiting room !ith "oo$%ase !alls and e(pensive f#rnishings. 0=o# might have read that a yo#ng man !as shot and $illed last night in the Jig*simo Barrio.1 05here are a lot of $illings in the "arrio. I don t #s#ally $eep tra%$ of them.1 0Well& this one I !itnessed. I !as there !ith the gro#p !hen t!o g#nmen !al$ed #p to a yo#ng man I $no! and shot him. 5he poli%e then arrested another yo#ng man& named Este"an& !ho s inno%ent. I made a statement to the poli%e at the s%ene& and I also !ent to see the Chief of Doli%e today to tal$ a"o#t the %ase.1 0I don t see !here I %ome into this.1 0It s %lear that they plan to railroad this "oy for the m#rder. I !ant to see if there is anything yo# %an do a"o#t it. 5he HS has a lot of p#ll !ith this government.1 0We don t normally interfere in lo%al poli%e matters.1 05his is a mis%arriage of 4#sti%e& and I do#"t very m#%h that yo# don t interfere in lo%al matters. I !ill testify in %o#rt to his inno%en%e. @o yo# really !ant an Ameri%an testifying in this %ase:1 0Birst off& I have a strong h#n%h yo# !on t "e %alled to testify and& se%ondly& yo# may find yo# are no longer !el%ome in this %o#ntry.1 05hen I g#ess my "est re%o#rse is to go to the opposition ne!spapers here and may"e in the States. I %an also file a report !ith the ,#man Iights Commission.1 05hat !o#ld not "e a very !ise thing to do. =o# may find yo#r visa revo$ed.1 0I have a spe%ial visa thro#gh my %ompany that !o#ld "e vie!ed as an #nfriendly a%t "y my "osses at home. I "elieve they are the largest employers in this area:1 0=o# re playing a very dangero#s game& Mr. ,amilton. I ll see !hat I %an do. ,o!ever& I advise yo# to stay %lear of 5he Bla%$ 6i3ard in the f#t#re.1 I hadn t mentioned the %antina' he $ne! I hadn t. ,e !ants me to $no! he $no!s of my presen%e there. ;o s#rprise there. I leave !itho#t sha$ing hands. I hate not $no!ing !hat s going on' I %he%$ !ith some 2SS friends of mine "a%$ in the States and get the name of a %onta%t in the area. I %all him from a p#"li% telephone and tell him in very general terms !hat I need& information.

Maria meets me at !or$ to "ring me #p to date on !hat !as happening to Este"an and the gro#p. Este"an is fairing "adly. Maria loo$s !orried& v#lnera"le' it ma$es my heart a%he to see her li$e this. I am dra!n even %loser to her. A !ee$ goes "y and nothing' I %all Eason Broo$er several times& "#t my %alls are not ret#rned. Instead& I get a %all from my "oss in the States to as$ !hat s going on. I tell him mostly the tr#th a"o#t the shooting. ,is response is predi%ta"le> "e %aref#l and don t em"arrass the %ompany. I fig#re one o#t of t!o s not "ad. I m mad' that asshole Broo$er. 5he offi%e gossip a"o#t Maria and me has "eg#n to ma$e its ro#nds& "#t I no longer give a shit. 5here s not m#%h management %an do a"o#t it any!ay& most of them have mistresses among the staff. I have l#n%h !ith Maria a"o#t a !ee$ after the shooting& so !e %an e(%hange information. I fill her in on some of the info from my %onta%t. I tell her& 05here s a general %ra%$ do!n on opposition gro#ps all over the %o#ntry. A .eneral E#an Al"erto .ome3 seems to "e leading the effort.1 0I ve heard of him. ,e s a "ad man& m#y dangero#s and po!erf#l.1 0=o#rs is not the only gro#p targeted. 5hey arrested several opposition leaders on tr#mped #p %harges. I don t $no! !hat they plan to do !ith them& "#t they haven t e(e%#ted anyone yet. My so#r%e tells me the government is really sha$y right no!& and the e(e%#tions %o#ld %a#se a general stri$e& "#t they don t !ant the opposition riling #p the people either. Some hard liners are %alling for %landestine death s/#ads' I thin$ Eorge s m#rder !as a test of that %on%ept.1 0I m not s#re !hat !e sho#ld do.1 I !at%h her %aref#lly' st#dy her "ody lang#age. She is s%ared& rightly so& "#t also determined& %ommitted. 0Iight no! yo# re all in danger. 5here is no reason the events of Eorge s death %an t "e repeated.1 0B#t yo# also said that the government is sha$y& no! might "e the time to p#sh.1 0I ve fo#nd the more s%ared someone or something is& the more they re !illing to do something e(treme.1 0If !e %an stop demonstrating& !e ll lose !hat !e ve gained. Eorge s death !ill have no meaning.1 ,er eyes !ell #p !ith tears as she says this' it s painf#l to see. I rea%h a%ross the ta"le to hold her hand& to %onsole her. ,er hand s soft& !arm. I reali3e I m not going to %onvin%e her to "a%$ off& to not p#t her life at ris$. I m not even s#re it !o#ld "e the right thing to do any!ay. 0=o# need more visi"ility. 6et me see if I %an get an international spotlight on yo#r tro#"les do!n here. May"e some press#re from o#tside !ill temper any response "y the government.1 ;e(t day& I %all #p the lo%al opposition ne!spaper and give them my story a"o#t the shooting' strongly implying the government is trying to sh#t #p dissidents. I %all #p a friend at the Washington Dost to tell him !hat is happening do!n here and that the HS is involved. I inform the ,#man Iights Commission of the Este"an %ase. 5hey agree to ta$e a loo$. I !ait again' "#t the !aiting s not as "ad this time. It only ta$es t!o days to get a %all from Eason Broo$er& and he s not happy. ,e !ants to meet for l#n%h near !here I !or$. I agree. I m already seated at the #ps%ale resta#rant !hen Eason arrives. 0,i& Eason& ho! s !or$:1 0=o# !ent to the press. I tho#ght !e had an agreement.1 0I tho#ght so too& "#t& !hen yo# didn t ans!er my %alls& I fig#red yo# d %hanged

yo#r mind.1 0I !as !or$ing on it' no! yo# ve s%re!ed everything #p.1 I don t "elieve him. 0I m s#re yo# !ere doing yo#r "est& "#t& yo# !ere a little too slo!. By the !ay& than$s for %alling my "oss.1 0I don t $no! !hat yo# re tal$ing a"o#t.1 It s o"vio#s he $no!s e(a%tly !hat I mean. 0I have to !arn yo#& "e%a#se of the mess yo# ve made& I don t $no! if I %an still get this %leared #p.1 ,e s lying. 0B#llshit. 2ne %all from yo#& and it d "e fi(ed. Ma$e the %all& and /#it "lo!ing smo$e #p my ass. I still have a fe! %ards to play&1 I lie. 06isten& I ll do my "est& "#t yo# have to give me time.1 05!o days.1 0I ll do my "est. 6isten there s a lot a person li$e yo# %an do for yo#r %o#ntry in a pla%e li$e this. We re all patriots here. 5here may a%t#ally "e some %ompensation in it for yo#.1 0Boy& yo# have some h#evos on yo#. I thin$ I ll pass.1 0=o# ve already made a lot of people mad. ,elping #s %o#ld "#y yo# some good !ill.1 0I don t !ant any good !ill from yo#r $ind of people. I ll go my o!n !ay.1 0I 4#st !ant yo# to $no! yo# are fast "e%oming persona non grata here. =o# don t reali3e the %onse/#en%es of yo#r a%tions. May"e yo# sho#ld go home. I %an t prote%t yo# or that !hore of yo#rs anymore.1 I let the ins#lt to Maria slide. ,e s trying to ma$e me mad& s#%%essf#lly I might add. My %ompos#re is %alm. 0I didn t reali3e yo# !ere. I ass#me this is a threat.1 0A !arning. .o homeKsoon.1 0I ll ta$e that #nder advisement&1 I say& as Broo$er rises from the ta"le and leaves !itho#t an a%$no!ledgement. ;ot "eing too na)ve& his s#ggestion has %onsidera"le merit. B#t !hen I thin$ of leaving Maria& it h#rts sharply& deeply. I %an t or !on t leave her' I %an t imagine life !itho#t her anymore. I need to prote%t her. I ve as$ed her if she d %ome to the States !ith me& "#t she doesn t !ant to leave her family and friends. I hope to event#ally %onvin%e her other!ise. Bor no!& if she stays& I stay. I try to get her to move into more se%#re ho#sing !ith me paying the e(penses& "#t she ref#ses this as !ell. Este"an is released the ne(t day. 5he poli%e %laim there is ne! eviden%e to %lear him. It s %lear they are em"arrassed and angry' not something I !ant them to feel. I tho#ght it !o#ld "e done more s#"tly' I !as !rong. I find my e(%itement a"o#t getting "a%$ into the .ame is "e%oming ent!ined !ith my feelings for Maria. I don t !ant it infl#en%ing in any !ay my desire to $eep her safe. After a hiat#s of a fe! !ee$s& the gro#p starts to meet again& no! at El Ja/#ero Contento& a little deeper into the "arrio' safer from the poli%e. 5hings settle into the old ro#tine& "#t !ith a fe! differen%es. I noti%e that there is #s#ally someone o#tside my "#ilding !hen I %ome o#t after !or$' he !ears the same s#it and s#nglasses I d seen "efore' a government th#g. ,e tails me' I m s#re Maria has this atta%hment as !ell. It s raining "y the time I rea%h her apartment after a night at the %antina. I !al$ her to her door #sing my s#it %oat as an #m"rella. I feel the !armth of her "ody against mine' it e(%ites me. I $iss her on the %hee$' say goodnight. As I r#n "a%$ to my %ar& I %at%h something o#t of the %orner of my eye& "#t it doesn t register& 4#st "others me

s#"%ons%io#sly. I drive a!ay. 5he farther I get a!ay from her apartment& the more #n%omforta"le I get' something s !rong. I t#rn aro#nd. As I p#ll #p& t!o men r#n o#t Maria s "#ilding and 4#mp into a "la%$ %ar' it speeds off& s%ree%hing& "#rning r#""er. My hearts leaps into my throat. It !as the "la%$ %ar that I sa! in my peripheral vision earlier. I r#n #p the steps to n#m"er F' the door is a4ar. My heart is ra%ing' I feel si%$. I r#sh thro#gh the door in a pani%. 0Maria: Maria:1 She s lying on the floor& a red stain spreading slo!ly a%ross her "lo#se' a red pool gro!ing on the floor ne(t to her. I start s%reaming& 0;oL ;oL ;oK1 as I $neel ne(t to her. I gently pla%e my arm "ehind her head. 0Maria& please don t leave me. 2h& .od& please don t leave. Dlease don t die.1 5ears are streaming do!n my fa%e. I %#shion her head in the %roo$ of my arm and loo$ into her deep& pretty eyes' there s life in them. I pla%e my hand over the t!o holes in her %hest in a vain attempt to stop the "leeding. Blood is oo3ing from her mo#th' r#nning do!n her %opper %hee$s to disappear into her dar$ hair. 6ittle red "#""les form on her lips as she e(hales. She tries to say something' a g#rgling& a g#sh of "lood. 0Dlease don t leave me& Maria.1 Someone s standing at the door. 0.et an am"#lan%e&1 I yell at the top of my voi%e. 0Dlease don t leave me& I love yo# so m#%h. I %an t live !itho#t yo#.1 She lifts her head every so slightly to loo$ thro#gh my eyes& right into my "ro$en heart. My tears land on her %hee$ to mingle !ith her "lood. A faint smile forms on her lips and fades' her "ea#tif#l eyes go "lan$' a last e(hale. I p#ll her to my %hest and start %rying and moaning' ro%$ing "a%$ and forth. 0;o& no& noK1 5he pain is too great' it is #n"eara"le. My !orld has %eased to e(ist. What am I to do: What am I to do: My memories of !hat happened ne(t are as if I !as !at%hing from some!here else. I see the medi%s trying to get her "ody from my grasp and finally having to give me shots of opiates to $no%$ me o#t. I finally release her and pass o#t. 5he pain lessens& slightly. I !a$e #p in the hospital& and the memory r#shes "a%$. I vomit violently. 5he n#rse r#shes to my "edside. I tell her I !ant my %lothes. She starts to arg#e then loo$s into my fa%e and points to a lo%$er. I dress in %lothes %overed in "lood' I thro! my hospital smo%$ over me. A ta(i ta$es me home. 5he ne(t %o#ple days are filled !ith vag#e& spotty memories& days of drin$ing& of anger& of %rying. I only regain my %ompos#re !hen Este"an drops "y to tell me the time and lo%ation of the f#neral. I %lean #p and dress for the f#neral. It s an open %offin' I ref#se to loo$. ,o! she loo$ed is "#rned into my mind for all time' I don t !ant to see !hatever that is in the %offin. I don t !ant %onfirmation that she is really dead. I give my %ondolen%es to her family and tal$ !ith her friends& "#t I %an t stand to "e there. When the %eremony is over& I meet !ith the priest and tell him I !ant fresh flo!ers every !ee$ on the grave. I as$ him to say a prayer and light a %andle for her every S#nday. I give him a !ad of %ash and tell him I !ill send more periodi%ally. ,e nods in agreement. I head straight to the HS em"assy after the f#neral' h#rting& angry. 5he re%eptionist tells me the Mr. Broo$er is not there. I tell her #nless I get to see him no! I !ill ma$e a very "ad s%ene. As she starts to %all se%#rity& Eason !al$s #p. 06et s go to my offi%e.1

;o handsha$es this time. We re seated in o#r respe%tive %hairs. I start& 0I s#ppose yo# $no! a"o#t the m#rder of a girl& not 10 "lo%$s from here.1 0=es& I $no!. I also $no! yo# !ere !ith her !hen she died.1 In a flat& #nemotional voi%e I say& 0,er name !as Maria Isa"el Mende3. I !ant to $no! !ho $illed her and !hy' then I !ant them p#nished.1 0@o yo# IEA66= !ant to $no!:1 0=es.1 05he !ho s pretty easy. 5!o paramilitary th#gs pro"a"ly !or$ing for .eneral .ome3 !ent to her apartment and shot her to death.1 5he !ords h#rt me li$e 4a"s to my heart' to hear the mention of her m#rder& said so %as#ally& !as very hard. I maintained my emotionless e(pression. 05he !hy is pretty straightfor!ard as !ell. She !as $illed "e%a#se of =2H. 5he .overnment !ants yo# to go home. 5he r#ling 4#nta !ants yo# o#t of their f#%$ing %o#ntry. =o# em"arrassed their government. =o# t#rned the !orld s spotlight on them& and %o%$roa%hes li$e them don t li$e spotlights. And yo# em"arrassed the Hnited States "e%a#se these %o%$roa%hes are o#r %o%$roa%hes.1 I listened' remained %alm. I let him $eep tal$ing& giving him more rope. 0=o# apparently have some friends in high pla%es& so they %o#ldn t to#%h yo#& "#t yo#r !hore they %o#ld to#%h. 5hey fig#red the easiest !ay to do that !as to $ill her& then there !o#ld "e nothing holding yo# here. If yo# had listened to me& she !o#ld pro"a"ly still "e alive.1 5his h#rt "e%a#se it had some tr#th to it. Apparently Eason had only done a %#rsory investigation as to !ho I am. I d tho#ght he !as CIA' no! I had my do#"ts. Even the Cfriends in high pla%es didn t pi/#e his %#riosity. ,e had no idea !ho he !as dealing !ith. I had overestimated him. 0;o one s going on trial for this& this government doesn t !ant a trial nor does o#r government. It s the life of one #nfort#nate girl& and yo# re a voi%e it the !ilderness. My g#ess is that if yo# don t leave& they ll %harge yo# !ith her m#rder and ma$e it sti%$.1 5his !as a "latant lie. 5here s no !ay they %o#ld %harge me. 0;o! go home and leave this to the e(perts.1 I raise my voi%e slightly to give the impression of o#trage. 0E(pert my ass. I $no! more a"o#t this %o#ntry and its people from the ten months I ve "een here than yo# ll ever $no!. All yo# do is ma$e s#re this government $o!to!s to !hat the HS !ants> %heap reso#r%es and la"or. =o# %o#ldn t %are less ho! this government treats its o!n people. =o# re no "etter than the th#gs yo# %all %o%$roa%hes& may"e even !orse& "e%a#se yo# re doing it to p#t money in the po%$ets of the ri%h. I thin$ yo# $ne! they !ere going to $ill Maria. ,ell& yo# may have even s#ggested it.1 Eason s eyes "lin$. 0=o# $no! something& I don t give a %rap !hat yo# thin$ of me or my poli%ies. Either yo# get o#t of this %o#ntry or yo# !ill "e indi%ted for m#rdering that !hore of yo#rs. ;o! get the hell o#t of my offi%e.1 I leave his offi%e. It had gone off as I had anti%ipated. I d !anted to give him one more %han%e' I needed to $no! if he had "een involved in the m#rder. ;o! I $ne!' he had at least $no!n in advan%e and may have a%t#ally "een an instigator. Either !ay his fate !as sealed. Sin%e the CIA !as the s#%%essor to the 2SS& I had a lot of friends and %onta%ts in the

CIA' I "egan %onta%ting those I tho#ght %o#ld help. It only ta$es a !ee$ "efore I "egin getting information from "oth my in-%o#ntry and HS %onta%ts. It s !hat I re/#ire to set things in motion. After I have the names of the t!o men !ho p#lled the trigger in the m#rder& I %onta%t Este"an in person and dis%#ss !hat I need from him and !hen to meet t!o days hen%e. I don t tell him spe%ifi%ally !hat I plan to do. 2n the appointed night& Este"an drives #p in a Iam"ler that is "arely holding together. ,e s stolen it from some!here I don t !ant to $no!. I m dress in r#ndo!n native gar" !ith a hat to %over my fa%e and gloves' Este"an is dressed similarly. We get in and head to the first man s apartment. It s in a middle %lass neigh"orhood %onsisting of large %on%rete apartment %omple(es' some of !hi%h %over an entire "lo%$. Este"an par$s in a dar$ area a!ay from the s%attered streetlights. When !e get to the Frd story apartment& I pi%$ the lo%$. 5he door opens into the living room' I #se a penlight to find o#r !ay aro#nd the s%attered mess. I $ne! the man !as not married and lives alone. ,e s asleep. I hit him !ith my "la%$4a%$ at the "ase of his ne%$. When he !a$es& he is na$ed& tied to a %hair setting in the middle of a plasti% tarp. I %almly tell him !hy I m here and sho! him the straight ra3or' the gag m#tes his s%reaming. I #se te%hni/#es I d learned in the !ar for getting information from .erman soldiers and %olla"orators& "#t this time I m not loo$ing for info. I already $no! !hat I need to $no!. Memories r#sh "a%$' I remem"er no! that I had a%t#ally en4oyed doing this' have a talent for it. It s a f#ll ho#r "efore the man dies from "lood loss. Este"an& loo$ing very green& helps me !rap the "ody in the tarp and thro! it in the %ar s tr#n$ along !ith the %hair. We repeat the same se/#en%e at the ne(t man s apartment !ith one ma4or differen%e. 5here is a girl sleeping !ith him. I $no%$ "oth o#t' tie them #p in %hairs. I perform my tas$ on the man' !hen he s#%%#m"s& I go to the girl& !ho s heard the m#ffled s%reams for almost an ho#r& I !hisper in her ear that& if she says anything a"o#t !hat happened here& I !o#ld do the same thing to her and all her family. I pla%e a $it%hen $nife in her hand 4#st as !e leave. 5hro!ing the "ody and %hair into the "a%$ seat& !e drive to a pig farm I d as$ed Este"an to lo%ate' "oth "odies go into a pigpen !ith a"o#t a do3en large so!s. 5here !on t "e m#%h left of them "y daylight. Este"an drives #s o#t into a %o#ntryside that seems to "e a d#mping gro#nds for a"andoned %ars. We po#r gasoline into the seats and tr#n$' over the %hairs and tarps. We "oth strip na$ed and thro! o#r %lothes in the %ar. After lighting the gas& !e !ash off !ith some !ater and dress in %lothes that Este"an "ro#ght along. We get into Este"an s %ar to head "a%$ to my %ar. When I get to my apartment& I thro! the %lothes I have on into the trash %h#te. I m all pa%$ed for my flight o#t of the %o#ntry and in "ed "efore da!n. When I get settled "a%$ in the States& I tell my "oss that I m retiring. I have plenty of money saved& along !ith a l#%rative pension and investments. My e(-!ife still nags me' da#ghter still sh#ns me' I don t %are nor even noti%e. My demons are m#%h !orse no!' g#ilt& regret& loss' they atta%$ me every night in the t!ilight "et!een !a$ing and sleeping. I d!ell on the fa%t that& if I d have left earlier& Maria might still "e alive. @id my desire to get "a%$ in the .ame override my desire to prote%t Maria: 6ogi% and rational e(planations %arry little !eight in these internal arg#ments. All the self4#stifi%ations in the !orld do nothing to alleviate the pain or the g#ilt. Al%ohol helps.

B#t at least no! I have a pro4e%t' a goal. It ta$es a"o#t five months of %alling in favors& ma$ing arrangements& %olle%ting intel& and getting finan%ing. I find o#t that the CIA is not too happy !ith .eneral .ome3' his ta%ti%s are getting negative international attention. Something the HS doesn t !ant& so I manage to get some "a%$ing to the t#ne of M100N from 0friends1 !ho !ant to see him go. 2f %o#rse& I don t mention that my plans may e(tend "eyond 4#st the .eneral tho#gh I m not s#re of my %o#rse after %ompleting the t!o main tas$s. My team only %onsists of one %lose friend& a very e(perien%ed and s$illed man in %landestine !or$. We re ready eight months after my ret#rn. Besides my friend& I have another man in-%o#ntry already& pl#s I made very dis%rete arrangements to meet !ith opposition leaders. 5hro#gh them& arrangements !ere made to get #s into the %o#ntry !itho#t having to go thro#gh government %he%$points. As !e "oard the ship to %arry #s so#th& one of my team as$s me !hat I hope to event#ally get o#t of all this. 0I have my eye on a ;aval A%ademy ring !ith the initials E.5.B on it.1