Jack and the Beanstalk SCENE 1 THE TOWN SQUARE SONG WE LOVE PANTO Darkness.

. The drums from We Will Rock You sound out. The cast walk out on stage with various percussion items joining in, when they are all in place the song starts with the stage still in darkness. On each clap there is a flash of light Lyrics Listen up people going to tell you a story Of a boy who took on a big man one day The boy is Jack And he lives with his ma A long time ago in a land far away We love we love panto (flash) We love we love panto (lights up) Giant is an old man (Chorus shout)bad man Shoutin at people that hell eat them some day He stuffs them in his (all) face Likes the (all) taste Uses some bread to clean up his plate We love we love panto We love we love panto Giant is a big man (all) rich man No bleeding heart gonna bring him peace some day No books had he (all) read Stupid fat (all) head And everyone knows what he always said (Giants booming voice off) Fee fi fe fi fo fum Fee fi fe fi fo fum We love we love panto We love we love panto All exit apart from the Fairy Godmother Fairy: Welcome, welcome one and all to our Christmas night of fun A panto we present for you; a treat for everyone Its set in a time long ago; in a kingdom far away When money and fun were very scarce; a little bit like today Our story tells of a handsome boy who everyone knows as Jack He has everything going for him and for friends he doesnt lack He lives at home with his lovely mum; but lately their lucks been down But even though times are hard you wont see young Jack frown He really is a delightful boy though at times a little lazy

With his head always in the clouds it drives his mother crazy But despite his flaws they get along; its usually quite harmonious However in their financial state they have to be quite parsimonious The money they had has all run out and things are really hard Their little hovel costs so much; they have to live on bread and lard Let us see how things pan out in the land of once upon a time As you sit back while we unveil our Jack and the Beanstalk Christmas pantomime SCENE 2 GIANTS CASTLE The stage is in darkness. A voice booms out. Giant: Fe fi fo fum... I smell the blood of an Englishman. Be he alive or be he dead Ill grind his bones to make my bread.(enter Mouldy Wart) I am the giant Mouldy Wart, ruler of the land of Neptunia. 7 years ago the good fairy cursed me and shrank me down to size. 7 years Ive lived like this, no bigger than a man. 7 years of eating tiny portions. 7 years of humiliation amongst all my giant friends but no more. Today I have discovered a way to break the curse and regain my awesome power. All I need to do is to find a boy pure of heart and drink his blood. Yum, yum. Unfortunately there are no boys who fit the bill here in Neptunia so I need to venture further afield. Lets see where Ill send them. He takes out a map and a pin and sticks a pin in it. Derby? Thats no use. There wont be anyone pure of heart there. He does it again Ah, Bridgtonfordville. That sounds like the very spot. I will send my evil henchmen out into the world to lure back a suitable fellow, then I shall eat him up and once again be all powerful.... (evil laugh). Now, where are those henchmen? Henchmen. Looks expectantly off stage. Henchmen. Nothing Huh, being evil is so hard when you cant get the staff... but Rhyming My henchmen and I will lay a trap and this boy will fall right in it. Then on his body I shall dine and munch up every bit of it. Soon I shall be returned to glory and regain my size and shape. Then I shall wreak havoc across the land; my evil plans await. Evil laugh and exits SCENE 3 JACKS HOVEL A pair of debt collectors enter. Joyce is carrying a big scroll of paper behind her and off stage is Bert, laden down with stuff they have taken from people. They are Bert n Joyce.

Come on Bert, we havent got all day. Im coming, Im coming. All this money is really heavy you know and Its such a hot day as well and my feet are killing me and... Joyce: BERT! Bert: Yes Joyce. Joyce: Shut up. Bert: Right. Joyce notices the audience. Joyce: Here Bert, look at all these people. Bert: Oh yeah. Do you think theyre awake? Joyce: Lets find out. Hello boys and girls etc (give out chocolate coins) Bert: Well, they certainly seem to be awake. Joyce: That one isnt. There an ugly bunch arent they? Dont they have any plastic surgeons in Bridgfordtonville? Theyd do a roaring trade. Bert: I went to the plastic surgeons the other day. Joyce: Whatever for? Bert: I wanted to pick my nose. Joyce: Why on earth would you choose that one? Its huge. Mind you I guess it must great to wake up in the morning and smell the coffee... in Brazil He shuts up. Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Joyce: Bert: Right, enough of this, we have work to do. Lets see who is next on our list (unrolling a huge list). Right, next we have the Trotts Was it something we ate? No you silly man. The Trotts. Mrs Trott and her son Jack. How much do they owe? (adding up on fingers) Umm, I make it a thousand pounds. A thousand pounds. Well, thats grand. It says here shes a widow. Does she have a first name? (looking at his list) No Widow no. No we dont. What? Nothing. I can see her now... The Widow Trott, sm all, petite, quiet, demure... Oh, shell be terrified. Itll be like taking shandy from a baby. Candy What? Candy No thanks, Ive just eaten No Bert, the expression is taking CANDY from a baby, you dont take shandy from a baby. Course you do... theyre far too young to drink. Right lets see if theyre in Knocks loudly on the door Mrs Trott (off): Joyce: Bert: Joyce: (Bellows) Who is it? She doesnt sound very petite sir Hmm, Im sure thats just a front to scare off strangers Its certainly working

Bert: Mrs Trott: Bert:

Is Mrs Trott there? Who wants her? Its Bert n Joyce, debt collectors. Weve come to collect all your worldly goods to pay your bills Pause

Mrs Trott: Joyce: Bert:

(in a different voice) Shes just gone out, but Ill tell her you called. Shell be sorry she missed you. Looks like the Trotts have done a runner. I smell something fishy here and its not your feet. (Thinks). Ive got an idea Knocks again

Mrs Trott: Bert:

Who is it? Were from the lottery were looking for Mrs Trott as shes won the jackpot. A clatter, a bang and Mrs Trott rapidly appears

Mrs Trott:

Im here Im here oh Bert and Joyce take her by the arms and lead her to the front of the stage

Bert: Mrs Trott: Bert: Mrs Trott: Bert Mrs Trott:

Right then, now weve got you. Mrs Trott you owe the council a thousand pounds. A thousand pounds, why so much? Fines Its not fine Theres a lot of interest. Im not interested, its boring. Joyce is jumping around excitedly

Joyce: Mrs Trott: Joyce: Mrs Trott: Bert: Joyce:

Weve got the Trotts, weve got the Trotts You can use the toilet if you like. Only a small charge... say a thousand pounds. A thousand pounds...but I only need to spend a penny. Anyway, what gives you the right to come round here and harass innocent people for money? Tell her Joyce (clears her throat and reads from the scroll) The dedication of this proclamation is a declaration of intention in this situation of retention by subjugation of the items I shall mention. Those who oppose, I suppose shall depose and over throws those who impose otherwise. Lets be clear, those who hear, far or near, will this year, give their gear to us two here do not fear. What was that first part again? (menacingly) You heard. I did... but I didnt understand a word. You want money dont you? Yes Well, Im a bit short at the moment... Bert and Joyce look at how tall she is

Mrs Trott: Bert: Mrs: Joyce: Mrs Trott:

Bert: Mrs Trott: Bert: Joyce:

Really? How long do we have to raise the money? Youve got two days. Today And yesterday. Come on Bert (camembert!), Im cheesed off, lets get cracking They slap the writ into her chest and exit chanting Wizard of Oz stylee

Bert & Joyce: Mrs Trott:

All you owe you oh-owe, all you owe you oh-owe Oh dear, a thousand pounds by tomorrow, where am I going to find that sort of money? Ive only got sweets. Would you like some? Gives out sweets to the audience

Mrs Trott:

Oh, I wish my boy Jack was here. Have you seen him? Hes about this tall and this wide and hes got this very funny looking face. He does have some crazy ideas but he always comes up with some good ideas for making money. He really wants to get on that Dragons Den programme you know and get those nice dragons to give him some cash. Then well be rich and I can live in the manner that I wish to become accustomed to. If only he would work a bit harder. At the minute he works almost everyday. He almost works Monday... he almost works Tuesday.. he almost works Wednesday... Unfortunately he can be quite lazy. Do you want to know how lazy he is? That boy is so lazy if he dropped something he wouldnt pick it up until his shoelaces needed tying. Hes the only person I know who has a smoke alarm with a snooze function. Its fair to say hes a bit of a relaxaholic . (calling) Jack, Jack, oh, where is that boy? She stirs a pot filled with old tin cans

Jacks Mum:

If hes not home soon his dinner will be burned. Its his favourite. Chilli-can-carne Its full of iron. Well, if hes not back soon, I can always give his dinner to the cow. No thank-moo Enter JACK

Daisy:

Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mrs Trott:

Hello mummy, Im home again Ee Jack, youre late Pardon? I said ee jack youre late; Your dinners almost burned; where on earth have you been Sorry mum, I was running latte Dont you mean you were running late No latte I stopped for a coffee and I didnt see the time. But I got you a lovely watch. How did you not see the time? I was asleep...I did run home behind the bus so I saved 1.50. You stupid boy (clips him around the head) you should have run home behind a taxi and saved a fiver. Did you get the shopping? No sorry, I didnt. You didnt? But Jack I wrote it all down on a list for you.

Jack: Mrs Trott: Jack: Mrs Trott: Jack: Mrs Trott: Jack: Mrs Trott: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack:

But mum you know I cant read. Im completely illegitimate. Thats as maybe but I think you mean illiterate? Thats where you cant read or write. Wow, in that case Im a tri-lingual illiterate. I cant read or write in three languages. I do try though mum Its not tri-lingual... someone who speaks three languages is called multi-linguaI, someone that speaks 2 languages is called bilingual. What do you call someone who speaks one language? American... I dont know. 14 years old and you still cant read. Which school do you go to? Insert names of local schools as appropriate. I dont go to any if I can help it. That would explain it. Oh, I wish I could read and write gooder. Well, you should listen in school rather than daydreaming Oh I try but everything the teacher says goes in one ear and out the other 2. 3 ears? I cant do biology either. I blame, Mr Jenkins, hes cross eyed you see. Why does that matter? He cant control his pupils. Oh mum, I wish I knew some more things, theres so much stuff I dont know. Well if we had a bit more money Id send you off to college so you could get a proper education. A proper education is purely academic. I want to be out in the world of business making money. (offering him a sweet) Would you like a mint? No, I mean like Richard Branston Well, you should make some to get us out of our pickle The bailiffs have just been. We owe a thousand pounds. A thousand pounds! Thats an awful lot of money. What have you been spending it on? I dont know, it just goes... and the price of everything is going up...petrol, bread...even eggs are going up now. That will surprise a few chickens I dont know how to spend less either...I already buy everything in poundland Did you know Poundland has become the Harry Potter shop? Really? Yes, everything is a quid each (quiditch). Cant we sell some stuff on ebay? Im glad you said that, Ive got this box of stuff to sell. Its all your childhood toys But mum, those are my favourite things, you cant sell them . You havent looked at them for years. I bet you dont remember any of them Of course I do. He goes through the box

Jack:

Whats this? He pulls out a stuffed bunny

Mum: Jack:

Oh dont you remember that was your favourite toy, you used to love your little jack rabbit. What about this? This time he pulls out a childs potty

Mum:

You used to use that for toilet training; its the jack pot This time he takes out hair dye

Jack: Mum:

Why is there some Just for men here? Im not grey No but I had to dye your hair anyway; you used to be much fairer jack ahh And now a wig

Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum:

Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum:

I could have used this old wig You cant touch that thats a family hair-loom. Your granddad sent it over from America Really? Yes, it came by hair mail but it didnt have enough stamps so I had to pay the excess. There was 5 pounds to-pay (toupee) If only it was hair to a fortune, all our problems would be solved Oh what are we going to do mama; how are we going to raise the money? Ive had a little think about it and come to this conclusion Were going to have to sell (whispers and points at the cow) Daisy Pardon I said (whispering) were going to have to sell Daisy What (shouts) Were selling Daisy Daisy who has been quietly grazing in the corner suddenly puts her head up and looks anxious

Jack:

Mum:

Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum:

Selling Daisy! But mum, you cant. Shes my only friend in the world. Couldnt we sell shares in her on the stock-exchange. A milk float might work. Well have no more dairy produce if we get rid of her. Butter get used to it Jack my lad. Theres no udder way round our financial woes You know, if you werent so lazy you could actually go and get a job Maybe you could become a baker Why a baker? We knead the dough. One of my friends runs an elevator factory. I might be able to get a job there. Is it a good business? It has its ups and downs. Or I could set up my own airline An airline! Well, it might take off. (crying) All I want in life is a little coffee shop in the centre of Bridgford (because it needs more coffee shops) just selling tea and cakes. My little Cafe Nera But theres already a cafe nero. Well, its Nera nuff. How will I ever make my dream come true when we have no money? Oh mum dont cry, Ill go and sell Daisy, even though she means the world to me. Oh, you are a good boy, thats cheered me right up that has. Now you take Daisy to market and Ill go and wash my knickers at the launderette (pulls out a huge pair of pants). Theres a really good laundrette in Bridgford you know. Its brilliant?

Jack:

Mum:

Yes, it is very good. I must be off, goodbye boys and girls. JACKS MUM exits

Jack:

Oh dear Daisy, this is really upsetting but dont you cry, one day Ill get you back and then we can all live happily together. Im going to be rich one day and buy mum her coffee shop and get a house on Dovedale Road (or some other expensive area in Nottingham). Oh look at all these people Daisy. I never saw you all there... Audience banter section

Jack:

Come on Daisy, off we go; I have to get you to market I know youre old and its a long way to go; so Im hoping you wont cark it Did you know Daisy dear; in India they worship cows; it really makes you shudder Im not sure why but for some reason; they bow down before one an udder Things at the Trotts are looking black; theyre getting pretty needy Its not like they want too much; its not like theyre being greedy All Jacks mum wants is a little shop where she can sell her tea and coffee But currently their financial situation sucks more than sticky toffee So Jack took Daisy off to town to make a bob or two He wasnt very happy about it but what else could he do He and his mum had no food; no breakfast lunch or dinner They were lucky if they ate once a week; no wonder theyre looking thinner Its market day in town today, the farmers all have their wares But evil Mouldy Wart has a plan; he wants to catch Jack unawares. SCENE 4 THE COUNTRYSIDE Enter Mouldy Wart. Fee fi fo fove I have come down from up above And come to England to find my prey and what do you know its market day Fee fi fo foon... I cant wait to be big soon. I will go to the market in my disguise to find a boy who I despise; then through cunning I shall lure him back; to my castle where on him Ill snack. Darkness shrouds the vilest of deeds and from its depths I shall succeed And soon, with a boy I shall return; and his pure heart will boil as on a spit roast he burns.Yum yum. SCENE 5 THE MARKET A bustling market, Jack and Daisy wander through it. One of the vendors is selling jugs so there is a sign advertising it saying Jordans Jugs. Another is selling pens and their banner says Pen Island etc.

Fairy:

Trader 1: Trader 2: Trader 3: Trader 4:

Lovely strawberries 2 pound for a pound Lovely opera singers, only a tenor Get your turnips here, will swap for novels. We have turnips for the books Foreign exchange, euros 2 for a pound . 2 for 1.80 2 for 1.50

Jack:

Wow, its so busy. Were bound to find someone who wants to buy you Daisy. A lovely cow like you will be really popular. Jack approaches various people and tries to get them to buy the cow but they are not interested

Jack:

Do you want to buy a cow? Man looks at him oddly

Man: Jack: Woman: Jack:

No. How about you? No. Ive had more nose than Pinnochio. Well, you know what they say Daisy? If at first you dont succeed, try, try again then quit theres no point being foolish about something I had no idea this would be so hard; but its not through lack of trying The trouble with our economy is everyones selling but no ones buying Enter Mouldy Wart who watches the market for a bit. He looks at Jack

Mouldy Wart: Jack: Daisy:

He looks like the ideal boy; I think Ive found my prey; desperate and ever so needy. Hes young as well so hell be nice and tender when we cook him up for tea. Daisy, Im going to need your help. We need to do a bit of advertising. What can you do to get these people to buy you? Have you got a special talent? Let me think... well, there is a song I can sing. Daisy song I like to Moooove It

Daisy:

Jack: All:

I like to Moo- ve it moo-ve it I like to Moo- ve it moo-ve it I like to Moo- ve it moo-ve it You like to MOO-ve it Repeat as required, dance routine and audience participation A crowd has gathered around the dancing cow and from the crowd Enter STRANGER (MOULDY WART IN DISGUISE)

Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Stranger:

Young man I represent a powerful Arabian magician and he has heard of your dancing cow. Its not a herd shes the only one He has instructed me to pay any price to get such a beast. How much would you like? We are very poor and I dont really want to sell her but mummy has sent me here to get the best price I can Yadda, yadda, yadda, I get it. Youre broke. How much? Well, a thousand pounds would be nice. A thousand pounds? Yes. You wouldnt want something worth more than 1000 then? Like what? Look...

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out some beans. Jack: Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Rabbit droppings? No... these are magic beans. If you plant them in the ground then tomorrow there will be a golden tree growing there and then you can have as much money as you like. Wait a minute... if theyre so good why dont you plant them? Dont ask silly questions. What do you say? Yes or no. What do you reckon kids? Should I swap Daisy for these magic beans? Audience yes/no thing Jack: Go on then Ill take the beans. Mummy will be pleased. I might even get a pat on the head. Daisy poos Jack: Stranger: Jack: Daisy: Stranger: Daisy: Stranger: Jack: Stranger: Jack: Daisy: Stranger: I said on my head Daisy So tell me a bit about her. What breed is this one then? Oh, well judging by the weather lately she must be Friesian. Boo Shouldnt you say Moo? Ive got a cold Where did you get her? The Isle of Wight, she comes from Cowes Ok, ok, stop milking it. Here she hasnt got mad cow disease has she? Oh were not worried about mad cow disease Thats coz Im a sheep Come on daisy; lets go where its warm; our way to Arabia well make You can make my fortune in dairy goods; I will be a milk-sheik STRANGER and DAISY exit Jack: I cant believe old Daisys gone but now Ive magic beans Ill take these home and show mummy. Do you think that shell be pleased? JACK off Fairy: So with Daisy sold Jack went home; with himself as pleased as punch Hoping that these magic beans will help solve their credit crunch But what will his mum make of them; do you think she will be pleased Jack has brought her magic beans when its money that she needs Mouldy Wart has laid his plans and wants to lure Jack to his doom Where he will get his comeuppance just like that Chris Huhne SCENE 6 JACKS HOVEL Mum: Oh, Jack will be back soon so to celebrate Ive made his favourite dinnerits rat-ortwo-ee. Oh, here he comes now

Enter Jack Jack: Mum: Mum mum, exciting news. Oh Jack. You havent got Daisy, how exciting, does that mean youve sold her? Did you get a 1000? Jack shakes his head Mum: More? Jack shakes his head again Less? Jack shakes his head again Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Yer a daft lad Jack Trot, if it wasnt a 1000 and it wasnt more and it wasnt less... what was it? Mum, I got something even better than some money You stupid boy, the only thing better than some money is more money Look... He proudly shows her the beans. She looks at the them and does a double take Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: WHAT THE F... Magic beans mum. Beans!! Beans!! You know what this means dont you? Heinz? No, it means we have no money and now weve nothing to sell either. I cant make coffee from beans can I? But mum, these are magic beans. Magic beans! Who told you that? Was it some tall, dark stranger from a far off land? Well, yes it was actually. He said they would turn into a tree with golden fruit which would be gruesome. Gruesome? Yes, the beans will grew some and then grew some more. Soon well be rich Mum is furious and walks towards him. Jack backs off Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: You sold... our cow... the only thing we have... for beans!! Um...yes. Oh Jack, how could you? It was our last chance. Soon those bailiffs will be here and what am I going to do with those? UmmMake a stew? Jack! She seizes the beans and throws them out of the window Mum: Jack: Oh, now what are we going to do? Were so broke we cant even pay attention. Its really given me the hump because stupid jack eyed peas. Theyre not peas, theyre magic beans.

Mum:

Enter Bert & Joyce Mrs Trott: Jack: Bert: Oh no, look its those debt collectors again. What are we going to do? Dont worry mum, leave this to me. Well, were back. Wheres our money? Jack and his mum look suitably contrite Jack: Bert: Jack: Bert: Jack: Remind me again. How much do we owe you? A thousand pounds A thousand pounds!! Phew, thats a lot of money. Tell you what... Here, youre not going to try and trick me are you? Absolutely not (nodding head at the audience). Lets play a game... and if you win Ill give you 500... ok? Bert and Joyce have a quick huddle and discussion Joyce: Jack: Ok, but no trickery. Right. Here we go. Its very simple...its called Simon Says. You only do the things that Simon says to do. So if I say Simon says...shake hands you do and if I say Shake hands then you dont? Got it? Right lets start. Come over here. They do so. Ha. Simon didnt say come here. Bert & Joyce blame each other Here, that wasnt fair. Give us another chance. Shall we kids? They play Simon says, improvise it but include Simon says give me 2000. Bert hands over the money. Jack: Simon says you win. Bert and Joyce congratulate each other. Jack: Well done, heres that 500 They look pleased but then they remember. Bert: Here, wait a minute Jack and his mum look guilty Bert: Jack: Joyce: You still owe us a 1000. Oh yes. Here you go. You see were much too smart for you. Come on Bert Bert & Joyce exit leaving them with 500. Jack & Mum: Bye

Jack: Bert: Jack:

Jack:

Jack and his mum hug Mum: Jack: That was very well done Jack my boy I didnt realise you were quite so clever I take after my dad. Mum clips him round the ear Mrs Trott: Jack: Mrs Trott: They will probably realise soon though so we have to get some money somehow. I cant believe you got beans Jack. I feel like a balloon. Why a balloon? Youve really let me down. Im sorry Jack, but youve really let me down. I think you need to move out in the morning She exits Jack: Oh dear, Ive really let mummy down. I thought it was a good idea. Didnt you? Oh, what am I going to do? Ill have to move out of Bridgford and go and live somewhere horrible... like Derby. An Ahhh, from the audience... its sadder than that etc Jack exits. Over the next bit the beanstalk grows. Fairy: Jack has really upset his mum; shes really quite irate But all is not yet over; for Jack its not too late For during the night while all were sleeping; the beans they did gestate And doubled in size every minute; they shot up at such a rate In the morning a towering plant rose up into the sky. You couldnt even see the top; it was much too much too high. Anyone brave enough to climb it would undertake a tree-mendous feat Lawks amusy what is that; whatever can it be? Much too big to be a flower; much taller than a tree It really is a marvellous erection that has shot up in the night And now towers over us; my word it soars to such a height I wonder where it goes to; it must be at least a mile high Any man who fell from that Im certain would surely die Maybe I should climb it; but I really dont think it wise I dont know where it goes to and it really is so high Im a bit of a coward at heart and by this task I am quite daunted Maybe Ill just stay here instead; but then by Mum Ill be so taunted She really is so mad at me and around here I dont feel needed And this plant will provide a meal or two; itll keep us both well feeded (fed even) On the other hand this undertaking could be a marvellous adventure And maybe to follow my destiny to climb this is what Im meant ter As it is Id have to walk for miles to get to another town And this is right on my doorstep I might as well go up as down Maybe a little courage on my part for my mistake it will amend My mind is finally made up; the beanstalk Ill ascend Possible song: The only way is up Yazz

Jack:

Fairy

So Jack having made his decision up the beanstalk he did climb Not knowing where he was going; not sure what he would find So he climbed on, up and up; right into the stratosphere And as he got to the top of the stalk a magical world did appear This is a magical land and bound to hold some surprises Let us see how Jack does fare when left to his own devices SCENE THE GIANTS CASTLE

Mouldy:

That boy should be arriving any moment now so now we just lie in wait. Where are my henchmen? I need them to watch out for him. HENCHMEN! You just cant get the staff nowadays. I best go and find them. Wow, look at this place. Everything is so big. I wouldnt like to meet the person that lives here. They must be huge. FX. GIANTS FOOTSTEPS Oh, someones coming. Id better hide Jack hides very obviously by putting a lampshade on his head.

Enter Jack Jack:

Giant (off):

Fee fi fo fum I smell the blood of an Englishman Be he alive or be he dead; Ill grind his bones to make my bread I thought I heard an Englishman. Have you seen him any where? FX: GIANT FOOTSTEPS OFF

Jack:

Phew that was close. He doesnt seem very big but hes quite scary. Hes given me quite a fright; I think Ive done a poo Ive got to get out of here, even mummy is not this scary. Oh, theres someone else now. He hides again Enter ELEANOR and Portia He loves me he loves me not... He loves me he loves me not... (excited) He loves me... if only I knew who he was Oh Portia whats to become of me, a lowly scullery maid; will I never meet a boy? Of course you will. Theres someone out there for everyone, thats what my mum always told me. But how will I ever meet anyone? I rarely get to leave the kitchen and then the exgiant mouldy wart makes me cook all the men that come around this way. For a little man hes got an enormous appetite. You never know whos just around the corner. Well, usually its those awful henchmen. Theyre always sneaking around and sneaking up on people. And theyre so stupid. I caught one of them in the bathroom the other day throwing breadcrumbs into the toilet. He said he wanted to feed the toilet duck. One of them didnt even know how to make a sausage roll

Eleanor:

Portia: Eleanor:

Portia: Eleanor: Portia:

Eleanor: Portia: Eleanor:

Portia: Eleanor: Portia:

How do you make a sausage roll? Push it. Oh, Portia, you do make me smile. If it wasnt for you my life here would be really lonely. Ever since Mouldy Wart stole me from England to be his scullery maid my life has been one big disappointment. I never get to meet any men as they have all been to private schools. Private schools Theyve all been Eton. Its a terrible mess. When will I ever get some excitement? Ooops, speaking of excitement, Ive left the oven too high it needs turning down; Id best go and correct it or that old saying will come true. Red sky at night, the castles alight. Dont you worry your pretty little head young Eleanor a man will turn up; just when you least expect it Portia exits

Eleanor:

Oh dear lord whos up in heaven; please find someone I can date Im getting so old, Im already twenty, and soon itll be too late Please, please send me a man; Ill leave it up to you JACK goes and taps her on the shoulder she turns with a jump.

Eleanor:

I dont think much of your taste but I guess this one will have to do She finishes her prayer Who on Earth are you? You must hurry up and scarper Otherwise the ex-giant that lives here will have you for his suh-pper Hi, my name is Jack. Hi Jack. (Screams) Ahh. Hijack! Where? No, hi... Jack... hello Ah, sorry. Tell me beautiful one why are you in distress. Im in dis dress because I bought it yesterday. Do you like it? Its lovely but I meant, why are you upset? Its rather a long story and I dont want to bore you with it but as you insist here goes Many, many years ago when I was a little smaller I always dreamed of being a princess when I got a little taller My parents said it would happen and I only had to wait And then one day this giant appeared and both my folks he ate He said he wasnt going to eat me as I was too small to have for supper But he bought me up to his palace so Id be his slave as I grew uppa I have to cook up all the men folk on whom the giant likes to munch I have to cook them three times a day for breakfast, tea and lunch Oh, he sounds really nasty Oh he is. Hes even nastier than Simon Cowell Is he more evil than Piers Morgan? Dont be silly. No one is that bad. But how did you get here? Well, its a funny story actually. Sold a cow for some magic beans, planted them, turned into a beanstalk. Climbed up it. Here I am. Ta da. How is that funny? Hmm, let me try it again... (he puts on a stupid voice and clowns around) Sold a cow for some magic beans, planted them, turned into a beanstalk. Climbed up it. Here I am. Ta da.

Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor:

Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack:

Eleanor:

Oh, Jack. Its a trap. You must be the boy Mouldy Wart has been talking about. He needs a boy who is pure of heart to make him a giant again.

Jack:

Oh, Im not afraid of an ex-giant. I am brave and completely fearless. A sound. JACK shrieks and jumps into her arms.

Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack:

Fearless eh? I find that hard to swallow; youre such a scaredy cat But you seem to be quite handsome. I havent seen you around here before have I? Well, Ive never been around here before. Nice place... bit big. Oh, you have to go before he catches you. What harm could he actually do me anyway? Well, usually he starts by feeding you pizza and chips three times a day That doesnt sound so bad And then he makes me fry some onions and mushrooms Hmm, lovely And then he chops your head off and gives your body to me to cook Ah. Gulps Then he turns your blood into a sauce. Ill roux that day but Ill run that risk; if I can hold you evermore Now tell me quickly what thy name is Dear boy its Eleanor Thats a lovely name. Eleanor...Ellie...Nory. Nory, nory thats what you are (to the tune of glory, glory halleluiah) A moment where they fall in love; they hold hands and raise a leg each and sigh together

Eleanor: Jack:

Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor:

Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor:

Jack: Eleanor: Jack:

Well, if youre going to be my rescuer there are a few things you should know Right, Im all ears; go on tell me; off you go Well, although he is an evil fellow its not just Mouldy Wart you have to watch out for. No? No. He has nasty henchmen to do his dirty work. They may look like bumbling and incompetent fools but dont let that deceive you they really are bumbling and incompetent fools. Henchmen, right But its not all bad news. Mouldy Wart has three priceless possessions. If theyre priceless thats no good. I need something of value. No, priceless means they are really expensive. What are they? Well, theres a goose that lays golden eggs. A mirror that always tells the truth and a magic harp that plays itself. Its usually a little flat though, do you know how to tuner harp? No, but I can tuna fish. Wow, just one of those things would solve mum and my financial woes. Well have so much money then I can start saving. Well, if you feel like saving, I need rescuing. Then I shall start with you and the golden goose; Ill break a golden egg into tiny pieces and with the price of gold nowadays Ill soon be rich as Croesus

Eleanor: Prompt: Eleanor:

Who? King of Lydia, famous for his wealth Ah, thanks Voices off

Eleanor:

Oh, dear I think I hear the evil henchmen; you must go and hide Quickly, heres a box; get in She helps Jack get into the box and then sits on top of it whistling Enter HENCHMEN, looking suspiciously like the Marx Brothers

Together:

We are the evil henchmen and you must remember this Whenever it is we come on stage you must all boo and hiss Boos and hisses follow We are the evil henchmen; loyal servants of our master If you ever cross him youll meet with great disaster

Grouchy:

My name is Grouchy Dolittle; Im the brains behind this mob My IQ is approaching 50; thats how I got this job Hello everybodies; I no from round this parts It is a theez terrible accent that sets me quite apart I was born and raised in Italia; and I flew over here with fly-be But these guys they no understand me; zey think I come from Derby PINKY doesnt speak

Cheeky:

Cheeky:

Hey Pinky, its a your turn. PINKY looks sad

Cheeky:

Hey whatsa the matter PINKY pulls a fishing rod from out of his coat. There is no line

Cheeky: Grouchy:

Ah, I see, you forget your line right? What all of them? PINKY nods

Together:

Cheeky: Grouchy:

This is our good friend Pinky; he doesnt speak hes mute So throughout our show this evening he will stand there looking cute He is an illiterate buffoon; he cannot read or write But if he finds you in a dark alley; hell give you such a fright We are the giants guard dogs and our bite is worse than o ur barks When it comes to evil doing we always get top marks Hey boss, whats the worse crime youve ever done I stole all the toilets from the police station.

Cheeky: Grouchy:

All the toilets eh? Did you get caught No the police had nothing to go on (to Pinky) How about you? PINKY whispers in his ear, Grouchy slaps him

Grouchy: Cheeky:

You should be ashamed of yourself What did he say boss GROUCHY whispers in CHEEKYS ear, CHEEKY slaps him

Cheeky:

I need to wash my ears out PINKY looks confused so taps CHEEKY on the shoulder and indicates he wants to hear what was being whispered. Hes shocked so slaps CHEEKY. Enter QUASIMODO

Quasi: Grouchy: Quasi: Grouchy: Cheeky: Quasi: Cheeky: Quasimodo:

Im sorry Im late, its the bells you see. Someone took them out of my alarm. Theres an award for that. What is it? The No-bell peace prize Hey Quasi. Wheresa thata girl youve been seeing? Well, she had an uncle you see and he didnt like me so he sent her to his mums house so that she could keep her away from me..... She never let her out.... You dont mean..... Thats right....His Ma Eld Er (Ezmerelda) All 4 stamp and do hands on the punchline

Grouchy: Quasi: Grouchy: Quasi: Grouchy: Cheeky: Quasi: Cheeky: Quasi: Grouchy: Quasi:

So why are you here? I wanted to join the group Oh Quasi... Its HENCH-men My mistake, its the bells you see they make me a bit deaf. Pardon Right Quasi, off you go. Hes the chap who made me up. Who? You go. Victor You Go (Hugo) Make yourself extinct, you need to be a quasi-dodo. Look I think someones stealing your bottle of whiskey The Bells, the Bells QUASIMODO exits and Grouchy spots Eleanor

Grouchy: Eleanor: Grouchy:

Say what are you doing there? Nothing Well, do it somewhere else Eleanor exits looking worriedly at the box as she does so

Grouchy:

Now then chaps our boss, the giant, thinks that there is an Englishman hiding here somewhere. Apparently hes smelt him. We need to search the palace for him (walks over to the box).We will look everywhere (walks back). We shall leave no stone unturned (keeps walking over to the box and back). We shall look in every nook and cranny in every corner. Wherever he is we shall find him (ends by the box) and when we catch him we shall put him into this box. Right men. Off we go. As they exit, enter ELEANOR, she knocks on the box

Eleanor:

Jack, Jack. (No reply) Jack, Jack, what are you doing in there? JACK pops his head out and beckons her with a finger.

Jack: Eleanor:

Nothing. Come on in. Come on, theres work to be done; this is no time for shirking Be careful of the henchmen; you can never tell where theyre lurking JACK gets out of the box. He and ELEANOR run off

Fairy:

So Jack and Eleanor looked around the castle to find the golden goose Being pursued by the evil henchmen who dont want them on the loose Will our hero find the bird and stave off impending poverty Its all getting very exciting but youll have to wait and see Enter JACK

Jack:

Hi gang.... oh, not too loud we dont want to alert those henchmen Have you seen a goose anywhere? You will let me know if youve seen it wont you. The goose sticks its head out from various places in the set the kids call out and Jack looks but it appears somewhere else. Goosey! Goosey! Goosey, goosey gander. He finds some feathers in a box

Jack:

Jack:

Oh, I must have just missed her He sees the mirror Oh, look at the mirror. Better check my hair. Do you think that Eleanor will like it? Yes she will. What did you say? I said she will. She will like your hair because she fancies you Jack. Oh, are you the magic mirror I was told about? Do you know of any other talking mirrors? Of course I am. Stupid boy. I am the magic mirror and to any question, I will always tell the truth I can tell you what your heart desires or the secret of eternal youth Audience questions? Forest scores etc

Magic Mirror: Jack: Magic Mirror: Jack: Magic Mirror:

Mirror:

Jack: Mirror: Jack: Mirror: Jack: Mirror: Jack: Mirror: Jack:

Oh, one second, I have to read out this disclaimer. The mirror of truth is for entertainment purposes only and while may indeed be accurate some predictions may not actually come true. (to Jack) Hurry up and ask your question; I havent got forever Ill tell the truth no matter what so theres no need to be too clever So you have to tell me the truth no matter what? No matter what, yes. Well, where is the golden goose and how do I steal it? The goose you seek will make you rich but it wont make you happy Its in that box over there youll have to be quick though so make it snappy At Last Ive found the magic goose; I must go take a gander No its a goose; a gander is male What noise does a goose make? Geese honk (Holding nose) Right Jack opens the box To steal the goose is what Ill do; this task Ill undertake And when I take it home to mum; our fortune it will make

Jack:

Hey Gang, Im going to steal this goose ok but I need you to keep an eye out for those henchmen. You will let me know if you see anyone wont you? Jack gets the goose out of the box, as he does so Pinky enters with a huge net. Hes behind you etc He catches Jack and blows his whistle. Eleanor enters and sees whats happened so she clubs Pinky over the head and knocks him out.

Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Mirrror:

Oh Eleanor, you saved me when I should be saving you. Oh, Jack, we have no time for this the other henchmen wont be too far away. Quickly, you must go now. But arent you coming with me? I cant right now but Jack promise me youll come back for me. Oh Nory, of course I will and then well elope. Oh Jack, if we were together forever I think that I could cope. I think Im going to be sick. They exit

Fairy:

So Jack went quickly down the beanstalk and gave his mum the goose But the Giants henchmen wont be happy with Jack still on the loose The beautiful Nory has saved our hero from a fate much worse than death And Jack has promised to return to the girl who leaves him without breath But back at the castle the henchmen are about to discover the theft And when they do mad theyll be; theyll all be quite bereft Pinky is still lying on the floor where Jack left him. Cheeky enters

Cheeky:

Hey whats a the matter. You no sleep on the job. Pinky indicates the goose has been stolen

Cheeky:

The goosea she been stolen. This is terrible, we need a to tell a de boss. Have you got a mobile? Pinky nods and pulls from his pocket a mobile that you dangle above a childs beds, on the mobile are loads of phones. Thanks, we call him. Whaddya know? This phone it smarter than you To the audience. Did you see him? What a we need is an artist, someone who can draw a very quick pictch. Any volunteers? Hey how a bout you? Gives an adult a pen and a wanted poster. 1 min ok, the boss he going to be back any second. Now, when the boss he come back you no say anything ok? Pinky nods

Cheeky:

Cheeky:

Cheeky:

Thatsa good, you got it right Pinky sulks. Cheeky gives the phone to Grouchy to make a phone call just as Mouldy Wart enters. His phone rings. Grouchy talks to him oblivious to the fact he is right behind him

Grouchy: Mouldy: Grouchy: Mouldy: Grouchy: Mouldy: Grouchy: Mouldy: Cheeky: Mouldy:

Hey boss, Hello Ive got good news and bad news. Which would you like? The bad news. Oh, okay, the goose has been stolen and whoever did it has got away. And whats the good news? I lied, there is no good news. Say, you sound very close. Its almost like youre right next to me. I am The henchmen see him and cower. Oh dear, he no happy. No, Im not. Cant you three do anything right? I bring him here all you have to do is catch him. Can you do that? No. You couldnt even catch a cold. Now, (to Pinkie) Now then you saw him yes? What did he look like? Pinky thinks. Then gestures Whats he saying? Its ok. I speak mute. (to Pinky) Well, was he big or small Pinky hands him a biro

Mouldy: Cheeky:

Cheeky:

Ahh, bic, I get it. What colour were his eyes. Pinky puffs air into his face

Cheeky:

Right, blue eyes. Anything else? Did you get his name? Pinky pulls a Jack from his pocket.

Cheeky:

Jack eh. Right we find him. Oh, and we have this pict.

Mouldy: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy:

Takes it back from the audience member Makes comment on the picture. Right. He cant have gone far. You three better find him or else... Draws an imaginary knife across his throat. He exits Right, gather round. A serious situation has occurred The golden eggs have been poached Is that why the guard has been scrambled Eggs-axctly. Our goose is cooked if the goose is not returned uncooked Youre not yolking are you? No, we need to catch the thief He will not beat us. Well not be whipped. I dated an egg once. What was her name? Me-shell Well boil him alive when we catch him And then after I can listen to my new record by the Humpty Dumptys. Ive never heard it. Its a great albumen Is that white? Enough. STOP IT... No more egg jokes.... Thats it.... Ova Here is the plan listen carefully to our action. I want you to take this picture. Say who drew this, a four year old? You could be the new van gough you should van gough and learn how to draw properly its not so much an old master more a young child. Mind you it does look like a Jackson Pollock... I said Pollock. You two. I want you to take this picture and go and find this man. Ill teach him to steal the giants property. I no think he needs lessons, hes already pretty good. I want you to track him down. Hey thatll be easy, Pinky here he got the nose of a bloodhound, and he got the face of one to. When you find him you must shadow him. Well do that at the weekend boss. Why the weekend? Its shadow-day. Thatsa some joke hey. Scene umm, lost count Jacks Hovel Back at Jacks hovel Jack and his mum are having a sing song

Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky:

Jack and his mum:

Were in the money song We're in the money, we're in the money; We've got a lot of what it takes to get along! We're in the money, that sky is sunny, Old Man Depression you are through, you done us wrong. We never see a headline about breadlines today. And when we see the landlord we can look that guy right in the eye We're in the money, come on, my honey, Let's lend it, spend it, send it rolling along! Oh, yes we're in the money, you bet we're in the money, We've got a lot of what it takes to get along! Let's go we're in the money, Look up the skies are sunny, Old Man Depression you are through, you done us wrong. We never see a headline about breadlines today. And when we see the landlord we can look that guy right in the eye We're in the money, come on, my honey,

Let's lend it, spend it, send it rolling along! Bert and Joyce enter Bert: Jack: Joyce: Here, we want a word with you. You still owe us 500. 500 eh. I think we can afford that but tell you what. What? More tom-foolery with the money. There follows lots of money changing hands etc with the debt collectors leaving with nothing more than they came with. Mathematical chicanery Jack & Mum: Bye Bert and Joyce exit, very confused. Jack and his mum hug Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: That was very well done Jack my boy I didnt realise you were quite so clever It was something I saw on you tube. Really, well I never. The golden goose has made us rich and Ill look after my lovely mumsie I always knew that youd come through; my lovely little Jacksie Now we need to have a party to celebrate our little jackpot Go on out into town and find the villagers; lets invite the lot Jack exits Fairy: So Jack and his mum now have money; their worries seem to have passed But of course our story doesnt end there that would be a little fast The henchmen vowed to track Jack down; and the beanstalk they descended Pretty soon when they found his house they knew their search had ended Jacks mum is hanging up bunting with Jacks name on it as the evil henchmen appear

Grouchy:

Good evening young lady. Mum looks around indicates herself. Who me?

Mum: Grouchy:

Me? Why yes. I was walking along past your little house when I saw you. I thought, now theres someone whos all woman. (to audience) If only he knew I can see us now together. I can see you bending over a hot stove. But I cant see the stove. It looks like youre throwing a party; is there a reason for the celebration? Its all so very exciting; youll have to forgive my jubilation Its just that yesterday we were poor but now its like weve won the lottery My boy Jack disappeared for a couple of hours but look what he has got me

Mum: Grouchy:

Mum:

That is why there is all this bunting up and look at all these banners Grouchy: Mum: Can I get an invite? Oh, of course you can, where are my manners? You seem to be a decent fellow you have a face that I can trust? Wont you give me a little peck? Do you really think I must? He kisses her on the cheek Mum: Oh, oh. Im flattered; youre a bit of a charmer arent you? Would you love me if I was poor. I might but Id keep my mouth shut. What do you say I take you out; Ill show you a night on the tiles What do you reckon, should he take me out? Its been a little while (Audience encouraged to respond No etc) Mum: Grouchy: Mum: Grouchy: Mum: Grouchy: Mum: Grouchy: Tell you what Ill let you take me out if you can guess my first name? Umm, is it Fred? Close but not quite Is it Beyonce? No Ive got it. Its Annette No its..... Get her boys All the time they are talking Pinky and Cheeky sneak up on her they capture her with the net. They put a bag over her head and drag her off Grouchy: Well, thats certainly an improvement Maybe I should put a bag on my head to in case hers falls off. He does so. His bag has his face dawn on it. As they exit Jack enters from the other side of the stage with the villagers Jack: Mummy dear Im home again and look Ive found some mates Mummy dear? Oh where can she be, my suppers never late Jack and his friends look everywhere for his mum.

Grouchy:

Grouchy:

Mum:

Jack: Villager:

Look at this bit of paper, can you read for me what is wrote Certainly but Jack I fear; it looks like a ransom note (reading from the note) Fe fi fo foose, to the boy who stole my goose Give it back its not yours to keep I want it now you little thief Without the return of my bird your mama will come to grief You have one day to come and show your face up here at my castle My golden goose for your darling mum; come on you thieving rascal Love and kisses The Evil Mouldy Wart So thats whats become of my darling mum, shes in the giants lair How absurd this golden bird is to bring me such despair Even though at heart a coward and not very brave My mum she means the world to me so her Ill go and save Who of you among you will join me on my quest? Will you come and join me? Jack, surely you do jest? We all have our homes down here and its your problem now to solve But we shall all be thinking off you, good luck in your resolve So alas Im on my own and I guess its up to me To go and face the giant alone, what will be will be Well, there is no time like the present; from your path no turning back You know what its time for you to do; better hit the road Jack Song: Hit the Road Jack. Hit the road Jack, make sure you come back With mama mama mama mama Hit the road Jack, make sure you come back with your mum Oh up at the top of that stalk so green, is the meanest old giant youve ever seen With a fee fi fum and fo, Ill have to pack my things and go Hit the road Jack, make sure you come back With mama mama mama mama Hit the road Jack, make sure you come back with your mum Lights down end of Act 1

Jack:

Villager:

Jack:

Villager:

Act 2
Scene 1 BBN FAIRY RECAP ON THE FIRST HALF.

Fairy:

Youll remember when we left him; Jack he was in a little bit of a tizz His mum has been captured by the evil henchmen; its such a nasty biz But Jack has mustered all his courage and up the beanstalk he will go What fate awaits at its highest branch? Well, he really doesnt know In Giant land the henchmen are well chuffed with their prize And set about a trap for Jack it will be a nasty surprise Our story now is far from done there is so much more to do Lets see how it all works out as we crack on with more act 2 Scene 2 Henchmen with Jacks mum The HENCHMEN enter with JACKS MUM tied up. PINKY has a chair that they sit her on. Thats right, sit her down over there Pinky goes to sit in the chair but Cheeky snatches it away, Pinky falls on the floor

Grouchy:

Cheeky: Hey that a chairs not for you. Tie her up to it. The chair breaks and they go to reassemble it. One of the legs has come off. Cheeky: Do you have a hammer? From his coat Pinky pulls out a comedy hammer. Cheeky holds the leg of the chair. Cheeky: Right, when I nod my head. Hit it. With the chair fixed. They get rope and Pinky proceeds to run around the chair tying Mrs Trott up. Unfortunately Cheeky is being caught up by the rope as well. Cheeky: Hey not me you idiot (clips him around the head) He untangles himself from the rope. Cheeky: Do it again This time Pinky is about to tie him up when Cheeky points at him. Pinky ducks behind his back and carries on tying up Jacks mum. Cheeky has not noticed that his foot is inside a loop. As Pinky finishes he pulls hard on the end of the rope and sends Cheeky flying. Cheeky: Grouchy: Hey, thats a not funny Knot funny I like it. That reminds me of the young lass who hadnt seen her sailor husband for ages. When he returned home she was wearing a very revealing slip knot (to Mum) Now we got you good eh. Not even Houdini could escape this. Who? Dini. Thats right Make sure those knots are fast; make sure theyre good and tight When Jack he come to rescue you we give him such a fright

Cheeky: Mum: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky:

Mum: Grouchy:

Oh I feel like a worm on a hook; used as bait for my only son Dont worry, youll escape easily. knot Pinky puts his thumbs up Whats that you no say ahh, you think youve finally done? Now, you two stand guard over the prisoner. Only let in the people who know the password. Now, we need a password. What is the password? Ok. What? You got it. The password is ok? Sure Listen(slowly) what is the password? Ok. The password is ok? Sure What is it? Yes Yes? Cheeky nods

Cheeky: Grouchy:

Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy:

Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy:

Listen tell me the password What I said tell me the password What (Shouting) Tell me the password The password is what. Thats what Im trying to find out. Ok Thatll have to do. Listen, I dont have time for this. Guard her while I go and get orders from our master mouldy wart. GROUCHY exits

Cheeky:

Hey Im a glad hes gone hes a given me such a headache with all his talking. Whatsa good for a headache Pinky pulls out the hammer and hits him on the head with it

Cheeky:

I gotta headache now alright. Say do you never shut up. Listen, before the boss gets back what do you say we cooka the nice pasta yes? Pinky nods

Cheeky:

Yeah, you hungry (pinky nods again) yeah me to. Now There is a knock at the door

Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky:

Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor:

I cant let anyone in. Oh, Im nobody. Well if youre nobody youre not anyone. So I guess I can let you in but first you have to tell me the password What is the password? What do you know she got it right eh. Whos this? This, oh, thats Jacks Mum (aside to the audience) Jack, oh, my beloved Jack. Whats she doing here? We captured her so that Jack will come to rescue her and when he does (Pinky bangs his hands together). We get him. (aside to the audience) Oh, my beloved Jack being led into a trap. I must think of someway to warn him so that he can rescue his mum and avoid these evil henchmen. (steps closer to her while she is talking) Hey, were right here you know. Oh, did you hear all that. I think so, let me see. (imitates her) Oh, my beloved Jack being led into a trap. I must think of someway to warn him so that he can rescue his mum and avoid these evil henchmen. Yep, think I got it all. But thats terrible. Hey I think I did it pretty well Please, you mustnt tell anyone. What will it take to get you to shut up? Well, I dont know lady, my silence has a price. Here take this bag of money. (indicating Pinky) But what about him? He doesnt speak does he? No but he might. Ok, well split it between you. Anyone else? Well, lets see. You heard it as well so you could talk to. Right, a third each. A third! A third! Thatsa not so much. I want more. I wont do it for less than a tenth. Done. Fx: Footsteps

Cheeky: Eleanor: Cheeky: Eleanor:

Quick, our boss is coming back we cant let him catch you here. What will you give me to go? (Gives her back the money) Here Thanks. Ta ta

ELEANOR exits. There is another knock at the door. Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Cheeky: Grouchy: Who is it? Its I, Grouchy Dolittle. Let me in. You tella me the password and I let you in. (thinking that this is the password) Ok Im waiting (louder) Ok. Our boss said dont let anyone in without the password What! Ah, now I let you in. Who was that girl who was leaving as I arrived? There was no one here boss. But I saw her with my own eyes Well who you gonna believe me or your own eyes? Did you finda the boss boss ? I did. I have just returned from the ex-Giant Mouldy Wart and hes very upset about the theft of his golden goose. This Jack is on the loose with the golden goose Thats right. Hes having a nap now but as soon as he wakes up hell be hungry and he wants a Jack in the lunchbox. The giant he hasa bigga lunchbox eh boss? Now all we have to do is wait for Jack to arrive When he finally gets here hes in for a big surprise Its been a very long day with all this seeking and looking Now we need some wholesome food; Cheeky what you cooking? Ill makea the pasta, everyone likes pasta. Tell you what, Ill makea mammas specia l pasta sauce. Ok, what do we need for that? Well, first we need the pasta (puts a handful in the saucepan.) We need more than that.

Cheeky: Grouchy:

Cheeky: Grouchy:

Cheeky:

Grouchy: Cheeky:

Tips loads in goes through a bottomless saucepan. Cheeky: Grouchy: Hey, you hungry yes. Im so hungry I could eat a horse if itd stay still furlong enough. They set about cooking the pasta getting pots and pans etc while singing Hey Macaroni (to the tune of the macarenna). The henchmen cook the pasta sauce but it ends up being poured down their trousers and general tomfoolery.

Fairy:

So Jack ascended up the beanstalk with his courage at fall muster To retrieve his mum and girlfriend; my word hes got some gutsa The evil henchmen have laid a trap; but will brave Jack fall in it Or will he triumph and save the day; Norys heart will he win it?

SCENE 3 THE GIANTS CASTLE Reveal Eleanor, Jack enters Eleanor: Oh Jack, Jack youve returned but I almost wish you never had Ive overheard them plotting and their plans for you are bad. Theyve captured your darling mum and theyre using her as bait Youve really must get out of here; quick before it is too late Not to fear dear Eleanor; their brains are no match for mine. I have a plan. You do? Yes. Im going to find my mum and save her. Is that it? Yes. Its a bit lacking in the details Any ideas. Its not going to be easy. Those henchmen are guarding her. Which one is in charge? I dont know. When youve seen one henchman youve seen them all.They all look the same to me.

Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: An idea Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor: Jack: Eleanor:

What a minute. What? All his henchmen do look the same. Theyre all wearing masks. Umm, I still dont get it. Dont you see. You could disguise yourself as a henchman and then go and rescue your mum. Nory, thats brilliant. See, Im not just a pretty face. Here put these on. Jack gets dressed up as a henchman

Eleanor:

Excellent. Right, now lets go and rescue your mum.

They run off Fairy: Let us take a moment now to bring you up to speed While Jack attempts to save his mum; what a heroic deed The bad guys they are lying in wait for Jack to rear his head If they manage to catch him the Giant wants him dead But Eleanor is a clever girl and will never let that be Shes not going to let her beloved Jack become the Giants tea Scene 5 Jack enters to find his mum tied up to the chair. She is gagged. Jack: There she is. He releases her gag Mum: Jack: Mum: Unhand me you evil henchman; you cant do this to me Mum, mum its me; its Jack your son Oh Jack is it really you? I didnt recognise you. Quick get these ropes undone (Starts nagging him) Anyway where have you been Ive been tied up like that for ages and ages and I bet youve been sitting around playing on your xbox. Moan moan moan Jack puts the gag back on her before untying her Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Mum: Jack: Thats better. Now we have to steal the magic mirror and the golden harp Oh Jack, I thought I brought you up better than this; we dont steal things. Were not from St Annes you know. Well have to go to the doctors to cure your kleptomania? I ve been but he didnt have anything I could take. You know my principles Jack never steal. But mummy dear, theres a magic mirror and it always tells the truth, we can use it to make a fortune couldnt we? A fortune! In that case, I do have other principles. Where is it? Its over there, you go on ahead and Ill be right behind you. He pulls his mask back down and goes to the mirror; he takes it from its stand and carries it off stage. We hear a crash. Jack comes back with an empty frame. Jack: Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Thats seven years bad luck. Ill put it back just in case anyone notices. As he puts the mirror back on the stand one of the henchmen appears. Jack ducks down below the frame. The henchman removes his mask and wipes sweat from his brow; we see its Grouchy. He puts his mask back on. Jack takes the opportunity to sneak off just as Grouchy turns and sees him on the other side of the mirror. Suspicious he takes a step closer. Jack mirrors his movements. Throughout the next scene Jack copies the increasingly bizarre

movements that Grouchy does to try to catch him out. Grouchy raises his left hand, then his right. Then quickly raises both hands together. He turns and thinks. Turning back to the mirror he stretches out his hand to touch the glass. So does Jack. Their hands meet and circle round. Grouchy breathes on a bit of the mirror and together they wipe it. Grouchy nods, thinking. An idea! He turns back to the mirror and claps his hands. Then again. Then 3 times in a row. He then claps three times but his hands miss each other on the last one, so do Jacks. Hands on hips; he will not be out witted. He breaks into the Charleston and ends with a spin. Jack is too late to spin so just ends in the finish position. Grouchy thinks once more, another idea. One certain to fool him this time. He turns back to the mirror and whips off his mask to reveal his bespectacled and moustachioed face. Jack however also has a moustache and glasses. They end up pointing at each other thinking theyve fooled them but then Jack laughs so much. The other two henchmen appear and escort him off while he is laughing. Fairy: This really is very bad news; it looks like Jacks in trouble Hes been captured by the giants henchmen and needs help on the double Scene 6 Executioner illusion Cheeky: Grouchy: Hey boss, we gotta him. What a do you want us to do with him. Put him in Mouldy Warts lunchbox. Its not as big as Lindford Christies but itll have to do. Get off me you fools, Unhand me you fiends; I insist you let me go Not likely young Jack, thats never going to happen; I really dont think so They tie a gag around his mouth. Cheeky: Hey boss, that must be the newest gag in the show. They then put him in a sack and then into the box. Eleanor: Oh this really is too much, I cannot bear to see My beloved Jack in a box served to the giant for tea How I wish there was a Fairy to save him in my time of woe As I cannot persuade the evil henchmen that they should let him go As if by magic (not) a fairy appears she has wings and is wearing lots of furs Fairy: Eleanor: Fairy: Eleanor: Did someone call for me; for whom have I been sent? Who are you? Im the furry godmother Really, I think that ones still moving. Oh whats that fur?

Jack: Grouchy:

Fairy: Eleanor: Fairy: Eleanor:

Its fur keeping me warm. Did it cost much? No, my friend took it, its a fur stole. Oh maybe you can help me; my beloved Jack is in a box And theres no way I can get him out Im so useless at picking locks Not to worry you darling girl just leave it all to me Now boys and girls, mums and dads lets all count to three. By now Grouchy is standing on top of the box. Pinky and Cheeky hand him the screen and he raises it up above head height.

Fairy:

All:

One He brings it down again and looks around, once more he raises it up.

All:

Two Again Grouchy lowers the screen and raises it up.

All:

Three This time the screen goes down to reveal Jack. He lowers the screen completely and jumps down to go to Eleanor

Eleanor:

Oh Jack, Jack youve been saved; I thought you were surely dead Thank you so much oh furry godmother you did exactly as you said But where did Grouchy go? There is a banging from the box

Mum:

He sounds like a man in need. Lets see if I cant get a date. Coo-ee. Are you in there? Jack and Eleanor look at each other. What a stupid question.

Mum:

Knock once for no and twice for yes (2 knocks) Do you fancy me? (Knock) Will you take me on a date? (Knock) Will you kiss me? (Knock) Do you want me to let you out? (Knock, knock) Thats I thought. Shall we try those questions again then? Do you fancy me? (knock, knock) Will you take me on a date? (Knock, knock) Will you kiss me? (knock, knock, knock, knock. Keeps knocking) Oh, he sounds very keen Hes running out of air. Wed better let him out. They undo the box and the sack and release Grouchy, they remove the gag

Eleanor:

Mum:

Come on out you gorgeous man; come on stop youre hiding I know youre a nasty man but my heart beats not subsiding

Grouchy:

Oh it was terrible in there, it was so dark and I couldnt see and there were things crawling aroundand I was really scared but you you saved me. How can I ever repay you? You could marry me? Grouchy thinks

Mum:

Grouchy: Mum: Grouchy:

Well, maybe it wasnt so bad in the box. Ok, not marriage but you could at least take me on a date. Say, with all the money youve got now you should take me on a date. Theres a lovely Michelin restaurant I know. A Michelin restaurant, it must be good. Not really, the food tastes like rubber, but thats alright because my cheque will bounce. Well, if youre going to take me out to dinner there are a few things I insist Im only used to dating nice men so your evil ways you must desist On this I am quite adamant and my authority I will assert Or else for dinner therell be no starters; youll get your just desserts While I was trapped in that box alone I had time to do some thinking Between my wicked ways and sadness there seems to be some linking As long as I do bad things then Ive no hope of finding romance But now youre standing here before me; what happy circumstance Having stopped to think about it, I see there is no money now in crime And a quiet life in the country would be a nice way to spend the time Go on then, Ill do it for you; and my evil ways I will renounce Hooray, at last we can date; and upon you I can pounce I hate to be a killjoy and to break up a party is quite rotten But something seems to have slipped our minds; theres one thing weve forgotten All the time youve been talking the giant has been fast asleep But now it seems that hes waking up; were all in trouble deep Fe fi fo fong; what on earth is going on? Ahhh The men jump into the arms of their women. Grouchy and Cheeky both jump into each others arms and end up on the floor.

Mum: Grouchy:

Mum:

Grouchy:

Mum: Cheeky:

Mouldy: All:

Giant: All:

Fee fi fo fine; on you all I shall dine RUN!

Chaos ensues as they all try to escape, they bounce off each other, fight each other to get to the exits. Eventually Eleanor sorts them all out and ushers them off Fairy: Across the land Mouldy Wart gave chase; hounding them all the way But they managed to reach the beanstalk that in the wind did sway They hurried down and reached the ground but then upon looking up The giant was chasing down after them; he wasnt giving up Quick mum, get an axe. Quickly, hes coming Here you go. Jack chops away at the beanstalk and it falls to the ground with a mighty crash. A giant boot falls down. Silence then All: Jack: Hooray. Whoo etc Well the evil giant is finally dead this calls for a celebration Come on and join our song; no need for hesitiation Audience sing along: Is this the way to Amarillo or whatever the big song of the day is During the Fairys speech each group comes forward to take their bows Fairy: So alas weve come to the end but before we leave this happy band Lets see what happened to all the characters that live in panto land The goose and the magic mirror retired together and lived quietly in the country And lived off scrambled golden eggs that they had with crumpets for their tea It was truly idyllic setting and the magic mirror in their future saw no wrong But with them eating eggs three times a day there was always a funny pong Daisy the cow made her home living happily amongst the camels And Daisy proved to be quite popular as she was such a different mammal The villagers turned the dead giants body into a playground for the kids Who loved their new amusement park and banged sticks against his ribs The henchmen didnt quite renounce their evil ways they turned instead to education So that way they could be mean and nasty to little children but still have long vacations Jacks Mum and Grouchy tied the knot and now they live happily in wedded bliss But she did better out of it as everything thats hers is hers and so is everything thats his Of course the lovebirds Jack and Eleanor got married and everyone tells the story Of how happy they now both are together as everyone loves Jack n Nory So there it is were finally done and our story has finally ended We hope you have enjoyed the show; as an audience youve been splendid Now its time to leave our tale while the townsfolk celebrate Some of you have work tomorrow; we dont want you up too late Wed like to take this opportunity as its the season of good cheer To wish you all a very merry Christmas and of course a happy New Year.

Jack: Mum:

Final song:

We wish you a merry christmas