Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves (putting the fun back into fundamentalism) A Pantomime of sorts Narrator

!elcome" #elcome one and all" to our $hristmas night of fun A panto #e present for you% a treat for every#un& 't(s set in the )iddle *ast% back in old Baghdad 'n the days before Bush and Blair #hen things #ere not so bad +ur tale is of a young man% a hairdresser by trade ,e(s do#n on his luck at present though% his fortune(s not been made& -et us go and visit him% as he seeks his destiny All is no# in the hands of fate% #hat #ill be #ill be .o fasten your seat belt% en/oy the ride" have a lovely time As you sit back no# as #e unveil our Ali Baba $hristmas Pantomime *nter Ali Baba Ali !elcome to my little shop #e close each day at noon But in the half hour preceding that ' #ork like 0idal .assoon !ag )ore like .iegfried .assoon Ali Alas" right no# '(m do#n on my luck% my client base is small There(s a penchant here for longer hair so '(m taking in naff all No1one #ants their haircut% though they could all do #ith a trim 't(s funny no# ' think of it% that more people don(t come in 't could be co2 my #ork is mocked% they don(t understand my cuts They say that they(re unfashionable% ' tell them they are nuts But ' am an ambitious man% '(m determined to go far !atch this space in a year '(ll be% Ali" Barber to the stars 'f only ' could find a scheme% to make a little dough '(d spend it on a plane ticket then off to ,olly#ood '(d go But this ambition has yet to be so #hile my future is on hold '(ll pop off do#n to the market place% to see #hat(s being sold Narrator .o Ali is in financial straits% he(s running out of dough ,e(s in a right predicament and it(s still early in the sho#

But his luck is about to change% it goes from bad to #orse !atch out no#" here come the baddies% #ho you must all boo and curse *nter Ba2" 3a2" Fra2" ,a2 and Al Bad 4uys !e are kno#n as the forty thieves% #e are a nasty bunch 5ou only see a handful though% the rest are out at lunch Al ' am the leader of this bunch of rogues% '(m the #ickedest by far )y name alone fills you #ith dread% they call me Al16ebra -et me introduce my gang to you% they(re a nasty lot Their souls have been tempered in the fires of hell% #here it(s nice and hot Fra2 ' am an arsonist (' said arsonist) ' am an arsonist at heart% '(m lethal #ith a match Fast and elusive like a shado#% me you(ll never catch 'f you should ever cross my path% you(ll never live to tell For soon you shall be burning in the fires of Fra21*l 3a2 )y name is 3a21*l ' am so called for penchant for things bright 6e#els and diamonds disappear% #hen ' go out at night ' have a large collection no# of necklaces and rings 7nlike the rest ' 8m not into killing% ' /ust like pretty things Because '(m such a dandy my nickname is *l1*gant Fra2 ,e(s so dreadfully clumsy it(s more like *l1*phant Ba2 ' like the ticking of the bombs ' make% it gives me 9uite a rush B++)" B++)" they go" up in the air% that(s #hy they call me Ba21*l Brush ,a2 )y parent(s #eren(t very nice to me% they #anted a little girl .o #hen it #as ' came along% they called this boy ,a21*l

Ba2 ,ee hee" you mean ,a2el A-16ebra .o that(s my band of brigands% nasty you(ll agree let(s go cause some mischief no#% c(mon lads follo# me Narrator )ean#hile" at the palace .ultan ' am the ruler of this land% .ultan to the masses All do bo# and pay me homage% from lo# to upper classes This here is my daughter the apple of my eye 't(s almost time for her to marry% she /ust needs to meet a guy 3on(t get me #rong '(m not a snob% any man #ill do As long as he(s rich and handsome and being a prince might help to Princess 't(s no fun being a sultana% there(re no boys that ' can meet '(m surrounded all day by bodyguards% they approach me on the street 'f '(m to meet a man to love and one that ' can #ed Then '(ll need to get out more% ah" a plan forms in my head Tis market day in to#n today '(ll don a good disguise To see if ' can find a man #ho is pleasing to my eyes *:'T .7-TAN AN3 .7-TAN *NT*; !'3+! .PAN<)** !ido# .pankmee ,ello out there in panto land% have you seen my son= Ali Baba should be #orking instead he(s upped and gun That Ali Baba drives me mad% his common sense is lacking 'f he #asn(t my only son he(d really get a sacking ,e(s a dreamer that young man his head is far a#ay Thinking about the future #hen there(s bills to pay ,e(s probably gone to the market place% that boy he loves to spend 'f only he #ould #ork as hard% his la2iness has no end !hat he needs" is a young lady% to give his life some focus 'f only ' could magic one up% #ith some hocus1pocus But alas" ' am not versed in things both strange and magic 'f only '(d studied harder at school it is so very tragic !ell '(ll be off to find him% before he buys those knicky1knacks

And #hen ' do '(ll grab him and drag him briskly back

Narrator Ali Baba #oke that day una#are of #hat #ould pass Tis a day for doing stuff instead of sitting on his barbers chair 3o#n at the market place $upid #aits to strike him from above ,is #hole #orld shifts as his heart lifts he(s about to fall in love The course of true love ne(er did run smooth% fate #ill try to stop it And right on cue" no further ado" it(s the bad guys% ' must hop it& A T*A .,+P 67.T +FF T,* )A;<*T P-A$* BA>" 3A>" ,A> AN3 F;A> .'T AT A TAB-*& T,* !A'T*; $+)*. +0*; !aiter !hat drinks #ill you be having sirs= !hat #ill 9uench your thirst= ,o# about you oh evil one= 5our order '(ll take first& Ba2 A pot of tea 3a2 And me Fra2 And me !aiter And you #ould like the same& ,a2 No thanks young man '(d rather not& ' #ill not play that game& !aiter $an ' not take your order sir you(re the only one that(s left= ,a2 A herbal tea for me then please% co2 proper tea is theft

T,* )A;<*T P-A$* Ali -ook at all these goodies% these trinkets on display '(d love to buy some for my mum but '(ve no cash #ith #hich to pay

)arket trader 3id ' hear you say you #anted a #ig= Ali !hat )arket trader A #ig& 3o you #ant one No" #hy on earth #ould ' #ant a #ig= )arket trader 5ou /ust said it ' never did& ' said ' #ould love to buy one for my mum but '(ve no cash #ith #hich toupee )arket trader There you go again& 3o you #ant a toupee or not= +h" please go a#ay )arket trader '(ve got a ne# one you can have on credit ten sheckles left to pay (toupee) (.ilence) '(ve got an old one out the back& 't(s a family hair1loom (.ilence) 't #as my grandad(s it(s hair to a fortune (silence) ' could send it hair mail (.ilence) Ali Are you finished no#= )arket trader 5es (#alks off sheepishly Baa) *NT*; P;'N$*.. -7$5 Ali +h my #ord #ho is that girl% '(m getting hot and flustered '(m shaking all over like a #obbly /elly ' #ish she(d be my custard !ho is that veiled beauty% that vision ' can see Please tell me her name if you kno# it ' #ish her marry me To#nsfolk ? That girl that seems to have #on your heart is the sultana kno#n as -ucy Ali 's she the daughter of the sultan then= To#nsfolk @ 5es" but she(s also small and /uicy

.he(s travelling in disguise though so pretend you haven(t recognised her Ali +h lady fair" come do#n here step lightly from your carriage ' kno# this is a rash impulse but ' seek your hand in marriage -ucy !hat #as that you said to me% did you speak of your devotion= Ali !hen ' see you fair maid% my stomach churns like the ocean Princess +h my Allah he actually likes me% #ithout kno#ing my pedigree All this time '(ve been #aiting for% someone #ho(ll love me for me ' don(t #ant a #alkover though% ' must be sure his heart is set And so '(ll spice it up a little by playing hard to get Ali )y heart does leap '(ve been asleep you(ve torn my #orld asunder 't(s $hristmas time and ' have% some mistletoe to kiss you under Princess 5our attempts at seduction are inept% they really are pathetic The only thing '(d kiss you under is very strong anaesthetic !hy #ould ' fall for a boy like you= !hat do you have to offer= +h good lady" ' am but poor% my heart to you ' proffer )+;* -'N*. Ali !oe is me '(ve fallen in love% #ith a girl above my station !hat is to be" she(ll not marry me% in my destitute situation 't(s all gone #rong it(s no darn good% things are looking black ' need money to #in her over but it(s the one thing that ' lack But #hat is this= A band of men coming 9uickly up this #ay They look no good" hide ' should% in case harm doth come my #ay A-' ,'3*. B*,'N3 A B7.,& T,* F+;T5 T,'*0*. APP;+A$, T,* $A0* AN3 .A5 T,* )A4'$ !+;3.

Al16ebra +pen .esame T,*5 A-- !A-< 'NT+ T,* $A0* Ali )y eyes do rare deceive me but ho# earnestly they(ve tried According to them the #all opened up and those men #ent inside 'f indeed '(m not deceived then some secret that cave conceals !hen they depart my 9uest #ill start to see #hat it reveals Narrator .o Ali sat and #aited and time it passed like #ind And #hen the robbers finally left the brave lad ventured in Ali !hat #as the magic #ords they used= !hat strange sentence uttered 'f ' can(t remember it right no# ' shall be deeply gutted .omething about a big mac% rings a bell #ith me !as it that special sauce= -ettuce= $heese= Ah" of course& +pen .esame $A0* Narrator .o Ali Baba #ent inside and such treasure he did behold There #ere trinkets and diamonds every#here and 9uite a bit of gold Ali -ook at all this gold and /e#els% '(ve never seen such things 3iamonds here and rubies to% 61-o #ould love this bling '(ll take some no# there(s so much here% no1one #ill ever kno# (,e crams treasure into his pockets) No# my pockets are full to bursting so off to home ' go !hat is this amongst the glitter a lamp so old and dusty '(ll give it a rub to clean it up and remove a little rusty 0oice of 4eniee ,ello you(ve reached the genie& ' #ish to help you so if you kno# #hat service you re9uire rub the lamp once& 'f you #ant to hold /ust rub it t#ice& Ali ' give up

NA;;AT+; -'N* -ucy Ali Baba you are a fool% it(s not about your money 5ou #on my heart #hen you said hello% you(re s#eet and you(re so funny Ali .ay you(ll be mine young -ucy% #e(ll be married this very day -ucy +k then Ali ' agree% #hat #ill your mummy say !ido# Ali Baba that(s fabulous ne#s% you(ve made an old #oman very happy ' often dreamed of this #onderful day% #hen ' did change your nappy Narrator .o they both got married% it #as a #hirl#ind romance All the guests came round for tea and they all had a dance Ali +h Princess -ucy ' love you" '(ll love you till ' die -ucy 5ou /ust love me for my money Ali That is such a lie ' love you for your father(s money -ucy +h Ali Baba" you are a charmer% #ould you love me if ' #as poor Ali 'f ' did '(d keep my mouth shut% that much is for sure& Narrator But Ali Baba as #e all kno#% isn(t frugal #ith his mull1ah And pretty soon he(d spent it all% he really is a fool1ah .o back he #ent unto the cave% to get himself some loot An almost unlimited cash machine% he thought it #as a hoot But as time passed the forty thieves% began to note the d#indling And #ere convinced that one of them% #as carrying out the s#indling 3a2 !here is that brooch of my old )a% #hich one of you has taken it= Fra2 Not me Ba2 Nor me

,a2 3on(t look at me& All 't(s the truth 3a2 #e(re not fakin( it Al16ebra !ell it(s gone" there(s a thief around" ' can(t abide this stealing ,a2 'sn(t that #hat #e do boss Al16ebra That(s more like #heelin( dealin( Narrator The baddies they #ere hopping mad% their rage it #as /ust seething .o they #ent off out into the to#n to find out #ho #as stealing Al16ebra <eep your #its about you lads% #e(re looking for our money .ee if anyone is acting strange% or doing something funny !ag 't(d be the first funny thing in this sho#& Al16ebra They(re bound to be intelligent% they(re sure to be discreet .o ' #ant you to be subtle #hen you 9uestion those you meet A-' BABA *NT*;. N+! 3;*..*3 )+;* -'<* A-' 4 $+0*;*3 'N B-'N4 AN3 +.T*NTAT'+7. !*A-T, To#nsfolk ? 's this the once poor barber #ho no# da22les before my eyes Ali my friend #hat happened to you= This is a big surprise& Ali This great big hairy client came in" and asked me for a snip !hen ' #as done he #as so pleased% he left a big fat tip Fra2 3id you hear that boys that boy #as poor% no# he(s rich as $roesus Ba2 ' reckon he(s our thief then lads% let(s hack him into pieces

Al16ebra $alm do#n no# my hot head friend #e(ve got a lot of time -et us kill his #hole family% as /ustice for his crime '(ll pretend to be a #ine1seller and hide you among my #ares ,a2 !ill you be covered in #ine racks then or #ill you look like a big barrel= Al16ebra !hat= ,a2 !hen you(re pretending to be a #ine cellar& +r #ill you /ust be a normal room= Al16ebra Not a #ine cellar" you idiot& A #ine seller& Blank looks Al16ebra .omeone #ho sells #ine= ,a2 Ah" ' see& Al16ebra !here #ere #e= +h yes Al16ebra '(ll pretend to be a #ine1seller and hide you among my #ares .o that #hen they let me in they(ll put my stock do#nstairs Then #hen it is the dead of night% #hen all are sound asleep 5ou(ll climb up out of the #ine /ars% grimly you #ill reap Ba2 That is such a fiendish plot& The devil #ould be proud Al16ebra The key to our success my boys% is to be 9uiet" never loud $ome on then lads% in the pots% #e(ll infiltrate the house !e can(t let anyone kno# #e(re here so be as 9uiet as a mouse Narrator The forty thieves #ere thus encased and delivered to their prey A bit like the Tro/an horse of old but done the Arab #ay The oil /ars #ere taken in and the merchant given #ine And the thieves they #aited patiently until it #as their time

The robbers they thought they had it cracked% so they #ere chuffed to bits They hadn(t counted on -ucy(s brains" she ain(t /ust a pair of legs Ba2 Fra2 Fra2 .hut up you idiot ,a2 Be 9uiet yourself 3a2 They(ll hear us if #e speak ,a2 Al16ebra #ill be so mad% he #on(t feed us for a #eek -ucy $an this really be happening tis truly a strange night But talking #ine in bottles= .omething surely is not right 't might be some kind of miracle a celestial aside +r it might be evil robbers trying desperately to hide !hat to do= ' must act 9uickly% time is of the essence !e must kill them instantly to a man% no chance for convalescence .ervants" servants heat up some oil get it nice and bubbling Then pour it in those /ars of #ine% those men #ill not be troubling&& us Narrator The servants heated up the oil and got it really hot They poured it in the #ine /ars% those thieves did scream a lot Then they thought that it #as time% for Al16ebra" the tables turned They lay in #ait until such time he discovered his men #ere burned

Ali ,a" '(ve caught you red1handed% you #ould have killed us all Al16ebra Please spare my life" ' beg of you% 8tis $hristmas after all Ali 0ery #ell then" ' forgive you" /ust like my good #ife #ishes 5ou must stay" and her obey -ucy 5ou can start #ith those there dishes

Ali 3earest -ucy you(ve saved us all% #e had faced a certain doom $ome here darling kiss me no# !ido# .pankmee For Pete(s sake 4et a roomA Narrator .o it #as it came to pass they made their home the capital city And there it #as that -ucy en/oyed remarkable fecund1ditty .he soon gave birth to a host of children and Ali made a great father And as in the best of stories they lived% happily ever after .o #ith the happy ending here our sho# is done you(re free 't must be time for a beer or t#o% do#n at the #illo# tree