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Topic: The Longest Night Ron Campbell

soarfeat@gmail.com

THE LIE
SETTING:
A Suburban Living Room

CAST OF CHARACTERS:
Son, a six year old boy.
Father, a man in his forties.

(The lights come up on a suburban living room. FATHER is sitting in a leather

chair, reading the evening paper. Son is on the floor, idly playing with a toy of
some kind. FATHER says most of his lines from behind the paper. For most of
this he’s barely listening.)

SON
Daddy?

FATHER
Yes son.

SON
Why can’t we open any gifts tonight?

FATHER
Because that’s not what we do. We always open gifts on Christmas morning.
Along with Santa’s gifts.

SON
But some people open at least one present on Christmas Eve.

FATHER
Well not us. You have to wait ‘til morning.

SON
Daddy? …You know how tomorrow is like, Christmas and all and tonight Santa
comes and leaves us gifts beneath the tree if we’ve been good?

FATHER
Yes?
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Ron Campbell
soarfeat@gmail.com
SON
I’ve got some questions about that.

FATHER
Well fire away son

SON
Not really questions. More like calculations

FATHER
Shoot.

SON
Well given that it is now eleven thirty Pacific Standard Time and, I know, way past
my usual bedtime but it is Christmas Eve so the average six year old is probably
allowed to stay up at least this late.

FATHER
You are not an “average” six year old.

SON
So for Santa to start his deliveries before midnight would be impossible.

FATHER
If you say so.

SON
Aha. So given that he is by all reports headquartered on the arctic circle it stands
to reason he would be starting delivery for children in countries in the Northern
hemisphere first, yes?
FATHER
I guess.

SON
To countries like Finland.

FATHER
Finland, sure.

SON
Do you have any idea how many children live in the country of Finland?
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Ron Campbell
soarfeat@gmail.com
FATHER
I can’t say I do, son.

SON
Well I do. Teacher assigned us different countries in Geography. We have to do a
report over the holiday break. I got Finland.

FATHER
Good for you.

SON
But here’s the thing. Even at three seconds per household Santa wouldn’t be
done with Finland until at least eight thirty Greenwich Mean Time. And that’s just
Finland. He’s still got to get through the rest of Scandinavia, all of Russia and
Canada before he even starts on the US.

FATHER
What if he started the other way?

SON
What? What other way?

FATHER
What if he started delivering to the houses that were the farthest away and
worked his way back.

SON
Are you making fun of me?

FATHER
No.
SON
(In one breath:)
The simple answer is re supply. Since the average gift size- based on the
Consumer Report’s Top 100 Christmas gifts- being a box approximately three
feet seven and one half inches by four foot ten inches and if Santa wanted to
take all the gifts with him on his delivery route, his sled would have enough mass
to disturb the magnetic fields on Earth creating massive weather changes and
rocking the planet on it’s axis while creating its own ecosystem.
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Ron Campbell
soarfeat@gmail.com
FATHER
I see.

SON
It’s like the bagel.

FATHER
What bagel?

SON
The Everything Bagel. If you really put everything on a bagel do you have any
idea how large that bagel would have to be?

FATHER
Not a clue.

SON
I do. But it depends on your definition of “thing”.

FATHER
I guess my definition is poppy seeds, onion, garlic, sesame seed-

SON
But they say “Everything Bagel”. If they don’t put everything on it then it’s not
truth in advertising. It’s a lie.

FATHER
I’m sure they don’t mean to lie.

SON
Hmm. Anyway, Santa definitely takes trips back to the North pole to re supply his
sled.

FATHER
I guess that’s so.

SON
And then there’s the question

FATHER
What question?
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SON

How does he keep track of what we want? And the naughty/nice bell curve.
What’s the cut off point exactly for still being considered nice?
FATHER
(He briefly puts down the paper.)
You shouldn’t have to cut it that close.

SON
And how does Santa know which households include the naughty kids? And
which the nice?

FATHER
(Back behind the paper.)
I don’t know, son. I suppose he has a scanner of some kind-

SON
Ahh- So is he relieved when he scans a house with only naughty kids since he
doesn’t have to make a delivery there?

FATHER
Well, he’s Santa Claus, son. He-

SON
And when does that ever happen? I mean I’m six years old and I have never
heard of any kid not getting anything from Santa on Christmas morning. Except
the Goldfarb twins. But they’re Jewish.

FATHER
Well-
SON
I mean even our school bully, Danny Vickers, got a new ten speed bicycle from
Santa last year. And he is definitely not nice. He’s totally mean.

FATHER
Well he must have some nice qualities. He can’t be mean all the time.

SON
He is. He killed a seagull with a wrist rocket at recess last fall. He tied Jordan
Wilcox to the tetherball pole. The school janitor had to cut him loose with hedge
sheers. He put super glue in one of the Goldfarb twins eye drops. He-

FATHER
Okay. I get the picture.

SON
-And does “being nice” include telling the truth?
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FATHER
Hunh?

SON
Can you lie and still be considered “nice”?

FATHER
Well I don’t think doing a lot of lying would qualify as “being nice”, if that’s what
you mean.

SON
I just want to get this straight. Tonight. Before Santa comes. Before he scans our
house. After he’s finished in Finland, of course.

FATHER
Of course.

SON
And can you make up for a lie by telling the truth later?

FATHER
I suppose-

SON
Because I have to tell you something, Daddy. Now. Tonight.

FATHER
…Yes?

SON
You remember last year? When I was five? Remember what I got from Santa?

FATHER
Um-
SON
I got the G. I. Joe Navy Seal Frogman set with the Inflatable raft and night vision
goggles.

FATHER
Oh yes.
SON
Remember how excited I was when I opened the package? How my eyes lit up
as soon as I saw the edge of the box as I ripped away the wrapping paper?
Remember how I squealed with delight when I realized Santa had brought me
the very thing I really, really wanted in the whole wide world?
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FATHER
Yes I remember you were pretty excited-

SON
Acting.

FATHER
What?

SON
I was acting. I already knew what it was. About a week before Christmas I was
playing hide and go seek with the Goldfarb twins. I decided to hide in the storage
locker in the garage. I knew they’d never find me there. When I got in there I
noticed there were a bunch of boxes. When I turned on the light I saw all the
presents. The James Bond DB5 Corgi car. The “Magic Pen” markers. The G.I.
Joe Navy Seal Frogman set. The Light Bright. All of it. Even the wrapping paper.

FATHER
I see…

SON
But I didn’t want to disappoint you. So I turned off the light and quietly closed the
door and hid somewhere else. And all that week and up to Christmas day, I
acted like I didn’t know. I pretended it was all a big surprise.

FATHER
…well.

SON
I just thought I should get that off my chest tonight. Before Santa scans the
house.

FATHER
And I’m glad you did, son. It’s not good to lie to your parents even if you are
trying to spare their feelings.

SON
That’s exactly what I thought.

FATHER
(Putting down the paper at last.)
Besides. This year is our last Christmas.

SON
Our last Christmas?!
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FATHER
Yes, son.

SON
But why? Is it something I said?

FATHER
No, it’s nothing you said.

SON
Is it because I lied and I didn’t tell you sooner?

FATHER
No son, it has nothing to do with you. Your mother and I have made a decision,
that’s all.
SON
What kind of decision?

FATHER
Next year we won’t be celebrating Christmas. We’re going Pagan.

SON
Pagan? What’s Pagan?

FATHER
Druid actually. But don’t worry.
It just means we won’t be buying in to the commercialized hype of rampant
consumerism and flocked kitsch that Christmas has become. We’re going back
to the roots.

SON
(panicking)
The roots? What does that mean?

FATHER
Well, first of all, instead of celebrating on December 25th, we’ll be celebrating on
the 22nd. The true Winter Solstice. The longest night of the year.

SON
Will there still be presents?

FATHER
No. No presents. Something better.

SON
Better than presents?
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FATHER
Yes. Sacrifices.

SON
Sacrifices?! What’s a sacrifice?

FATHER
That’s the true spirit of Paganism. Sacrifice. And the true spirit of Christmas for
that matter. Giving. We Pagans give sacrifices to give thanks for the years’
bounty.

SON
But what about Santa and the reindeer and the North pole and the elves and
Mrs. Claus and-

FATHER
We won’t concern ourselves with all that stuff. We’ll be Druids. We’ll make a ritual
sacrifice to The Old Ones.

SON
Will there at least be a tree?

FATHER
Yes, there will be a tree. But it will be an oak. Or possibly an alder bush if we can
get one.

SON
Will there be Christmas carols?

FATHER
No, but we will chant. From ancient Latin texts.

SON
Will we at least decorate the house?

FATHER
No, but we’ll daub our faces with the blood of the sacrifice to consecrate
ourselves to the Order of The Ancients.

SON
Blood?! What will we be sacrificing?

FATHER
Oh I don’t know. We’ll start with something small. Maybe a seagull.
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SON
(A pause as he takes it all in…then:)
COOL!

Well, I better get to bed. I want to be up bright and early to see what Santa
brought me.
(He goes to his father and hugs him goodnight.)
Goodnight Daddy. Merry Christmas.

FATHER
Merry Christmas, son.

SON
(He heads towards the stairs, stops, turns back to his father.)

I can’t wait ‘til next year!

(He runs up the stairs.)

FATHER
See you in the morning.

(The father waits a moment and then goes to the closet. He pulls out a ten speed
bicycle and some wrapping paper and tape and starts to wrap the bike as the
lights slowly fade to black)

END OF PLAY