Alice Munro Free Radicals

At first, people kept phoning, to make sure that Nita was not too depressed, not too lonely, not eating too little or drinking too much. (She had been such a diligent wine drinker that many forgot that she was now forbidden to drink at all.) She held them off, without sounding nobly grief-stricken or unnaturally cheerful or absent-minded or confused. She said that she didnt need groceries she was working through what she had on hand. She had enough of her prescription pills and enough stamps for her thank-you notes. !er closer friends probably suspected the truth"that she was not bothering to eat much and that she threw out any sympathy note she happened to get. She had not e#en informed the people who li#ed at a distance, to elicit such notes. Not $ichs e%-wife in Ari&ona or his semi-estranged brother in No#a Scotia, though those two might ha#e understood, perhaps better than the people near at hand, why she had proceeded with the non-funeral as she had done. $ich had told her that he was going to the #illage, to the hardware store. 't was around ten oclock in the morning, and he had (ust started to paint the railing of the deck. )hat is, hed been scraping it to prepare for the painting, and the old scraper had come apart in his hand. She hadnt had time to wonder about his being late. !ed died bent o#er the sidewalk sign that stood in front of the hardware store offering a discount on lawnmowers. !e hadnt e#en managed to get into the store. !ed been eighty-one years old and in fine health, aside from some deafness in his right ear. !is doctor had checked him o#er only the week before. Nita was to learn that the recent checkup, the clean bill of health, cropped up in a surprising number of the sudden-death stories that she was now presented with. *+oud almost think that such #isits ought to be a#oided,, shed said. She should ha#e spoken like this only to her close and fellow bad-mouthing friends, -irgie and .arol, women around her own age, which was si%ty-two. !er younger friends found this sort of talk unseemly and e#asi#e. At first, they had crowded in on Nita. )hey had not actually spoken of the grie#ing process, but she had been afraid that at any moment they might start. As soon as she got on with the arrangements, of course, all but the tried and true had fallen away. )he cheapest bo%, into the ground immediately, no ceremony of any kind. )he undertaker had suggested that this might be against the law, but she and $ich had had their facts straight. )heyd got their information almost a year before, when the diagnosis of her cancer became final. *!ow was ' to know hed steal my thunder/, shed said. 0eople had not e%pected a traditional ser#ice, but they had looked forward to some kind of contemporary affair. .elebrating the life. 0laying his fa#orite music, holding hands together, telling stories that praised $ich while touching humorously on his 1uirks and forgi#able faults. )he sort of thing that $ich had said made him puke. So it was dealt with pri#ately, and soon the stir, the widespread warmth that had surrounded Nita melted away, though some people, she supposed, were likely still saying that they were

concerned about her. -irgie and .arol didnt say that. )hey said only that she was a selfish bloody bitch if she was thinking of conking out now, any sooner than was necessary. )hey would come around, they said, and re#i#e her with 2rey 2oose. She assured them that she wasnt, though she could see a certain logic to the idea. )hanks to the radiation last spring, her cancer was at present in remission"whate#er that actually meant. 't did not mean gone. Not for good, anyway. !er li#er was the main theatre of operations and as long as she stuck to nibbles it did not complain. 't would only ha#e depressed her friends to remind them that she couldnt ha#e wine, let alone #odka. $ich died in 3une. Now here it is midsummer. She gets out of bed early and washes herself and dresses in anything that comes to hand. 4ut she does dress and wash, and she brushes her teeth and combs her hair, which has grown back decently, gray around her face and dark at the back, the way it was before. She puts on lipstick and pencils her eyebrows, which are now #ery scanty, and out of her lifelong respect for a narrow waist and moderate hips she checks on the achie#ements she has made in that direction, though she knows that the proper word for all parts of her now might be *scrawny., She sits in her usual ample armchair, with piles of books and unopened maga&ines around her. She sips cautiously from the mug of weak herbal tea that is now her substitute for coffee. At one time, she thought that she could not li#e without coffee, but it turned out that it was really (ust the large warm mug she wanted in her hands, that was the aid to thought or whate#er it was she practiced through the procession of hours, or of days. )his was $ichs house. !ed bought it when he was with his first wife, 4ett. 't had been intended as a weekend place, closed up in the winter. )wo tiny bedrooms, a lean-to kitchen, half a mile from the #illage. 4ut soon $ich had begun working on it, learning carpentry, building a wing for two new bedrooms and a bathroom and another wing for his study, turning the original house into an open-plan li#ing room, dining room, kitchen. 4ett had become interested shed claimed in the beginning not to understand why hed bought such a dump, but practical impro#ements always engaged her, and she bought matching carpenters aprons. Shed needed something to become in#ol#ed in, ha#ing finished and published the cookbook that had occupied her for se#eral years. )heyd had no children. And at the same time that 4ett had been busy telling people that shed found her role in life as a carpenters helper, and that it had brought her and $ich much closer, $ich had been falling in lo#e with Nita. Shed worked in the registrars office of the uni#ersity where he taught medie#al literature. )he first time theyd made lo#e was amid the sha#ings and sawn wood of what was to become the houses central room with its arched ceiling, on a weekend when 4ett had stayed in the city. Nita had left her sunglasses behind"not on purpose, though 4ett, who ne#er forgot anything, could not belie#e that. )he usual ruckus followed, trite and painful, and ended with 4ett going off to .alifornia, then Ari&ona, Nita 1uitting her (ob at the suggestion of the registrar, and $ich missing out on becoming dean of arts. !e took early retirement, sold the city house. Nita did not inherit the smaller carpenters apron, but she read her books cheerfully in the midst of construction and disorder, made rudimentary dinners on a hot plate, and went for long e%ploratory walks, coming back with ragged bou1uets of tiger lilies and wild carrot, which she stuffed into empty paint cans. 5ater, when she and $ich had settled down, she felt somewhat embarrassed to think how readily she had played the younger woman, the happy home-wrecker,

the lissome, laughing, tripping ing6nue. She was really a rather serious, physically awkward, selfconscious woman, who could recite not (ust the kings but the 1ueens of 7ngland, and knew the )hirty +ears 8ar backward, but was shy about dancing in front of people and would ne#er learn, as 4ett had, to get up on a stepladder. )he house had a row of cedars on one side and a railway embankment on the other. )he railway traffic had ne#er amounted to much, and by now there were only a couple of trains a month. 8eeds were la#ish between the tracks. 9ne time, when she was on the #erge of menopause, Nita had teased $ich into making lo#e up there"not on the ties, of course, but on the narrow grass #erge beside them"and they had climbed down inordinately pleased with themsel#es. She thought carefully, e#ery morning when she first took her seat, of the places where $ich was not. !e was not in the smaller bathroom, where his sha#ing things still were, along with the prescription pills for #arious troublesome but not serious ailments which hed refused to throw out. Nor was he in the bedroom, which she had (ust tidied and left. Not in the larger bathroom, which he had entered only to take tub baths. 9r in the kitchen, which had become mostly his domain in the last year. !e was of course not out on the half-scraped deck, ready to peer (okingly in the window"through which she might, in earlier days, ha#e pretended to be alarmed at the sight of a peeping tom. 9r in the study. )hat was where, of all places, his absence had to be most often #erified. At first, she had found it necessary to go to the door and open it and stand there, sur#eying the piles of paper, the moribund computer, the o#erflowing files, the books lying open or face down, as well as crowded on the shel#es. Now she could manage (ust by picturing these things. 9ne of these days, she would ha#e to enter the room. She thought of it as in#ading. She would ha#e to in#ade her dead husbands mind. )his was one possibility that she had ne#er considered. $ich had seemed to her such a tower of efficiency and competence, so #igorous and firm a presence that she had always belie#ed, 1uite unreasonably, that he would sur#i#e her. )hen, in the last year, this had become not a foolish belief at all but in both their minds, she thought, a certainty. She would deal with the cellar first. 't really was a cellar, not a basement. 0lanks made walkways o#er the dirt floor, and the small high windows were hung with dirty cobwebs. )here was nothing down there that she e#er needed. 3ust $ichs half-filled paint tins, boards of #arious lengths, tools that were either usable or ready to be discarded. She had opened the door and gone down the steps (ust once since $ich had died, to see that no lights had been left on, and to assure herself that the fuse switches were there, with labels written beside them to tell her which controlled what. 8hen she came up, she had bolted the door as usual, on the kitchen side. $ich used to laugh about that habit of hers, asking what she thought might get in, through the stone walls and elf-si&e windows, to menace them. Ne#ertheless, the cellar would be easier to start on it would be a hundred times easier than the study. She did make up the bed and tidy her own little messes in the kitchen or the bathroom, but in general the impulse to take on any wholesale sweep of housecleaning was beyond her. She could barely throw out a twisted paper clip or a fridge magnet that had lost its attraction, let alone the

dish of 'rish coins that she and $ich had brought home from a trip fifteen years ago. 7#erything seemed to ha#e ac1uired its own peculiar heft and strangeness. .arol or -irgie phoned e#ery day, usually toward supper-time, when they must ha#e thought her solitude was least bearable. She told them that she was 9.:. she would come out of her lair soon. She (ust needed this time to think and read. And eat and sleep. 't was true, too, e%cept for the part about reading. She sat in her chair surrounded by her books without opening one of them. She had always been such a reader"that was one reason, $ich had said, that she was the right woman for him she could sit and read and let him alone"but now she couldnt stick to it for e#en half a page. She hadnt been (ust a once-through reader, either. *)he 4rothers :arama&o#,, *)he ;ill on the <loss,, *)he 8ings of the =o#e,, *)he ;agic ;ountain,, o#er and o#er. She would pick one up, planning to read that one special passage, and find herself unable to stop until the whole thing was redigested. She read modern fiction, too. Always fiction. She hated to hear the word *escape, used about fiction. She once might ha#e argued, not (ust playfully, that it was real life that was the escape. 4ut real life had become too important to argue about. And now, most strangely, all that was gone. Not (ust with $ichs death but with her own immersion in illness. She had thought that the change was temporary and the magic of reading would reappear once she was off certain drugs and e%hausting treatments. 4ut apparently not. Sometimes she tried to e%plain why, to an imaginary in1uisitor. *' got too busy., *So e#erybody says. =oing what/, *)oo busy paying attention., *)o what/, *' mean thinking., *8hat about/, *Ne#er mind., 9ne morning, after sitting for a while, she decided that it was a #ery hot day. She should get up and turn on the fans. 9r she could, with more en#ironmental responsibility, try opening the front and back doors and letting the bree&e, if there was any, blow through the house. She unlocked the front door first. And e#en before she had allowed half an inch of morning light to show itself she was aware of a dark stripe cutting that light off.

)here was a young man standing outside the screen door, which was hooked. *=idnt mean to startle you,, he said. *' was looking for a doorbell or something. ' ga#e a little knock on the frame here, but ' guess you didnt hear me., *Sorry,, she said. *'m supposed to look at your fuse bo%. 'f you could tell me where it is., She stepped aside to let him in. She took a moment to remember. *+es. 'n the cellar,, she said. *'ll turn the light on. +oull see it., !e shut the door behind him and bent to take off his shoes. *)hats all right,, she said. *'ts not as if its raining., *;ight as well, though. ' make it a habit. .ould lea#e you dust tracks insteada mud., She went into the kitchen, not able to sit down again until he left the house. She opened the cellar door for him as he came up the steps. *9.:./, she said. *+ou found it 9.:./, *<ine., She was leading him toward the front door, then reali&ed that there were no footsteps behind her. She turned and saw him still standing in the kitchen. *+ou dont happen to ha#e anything you could fi% up for me to eat, do you/, )here was a change in his #oice"a crack in it, a rising pitch that made her think of a tele#ision comedian doing a rural whine. >nder the kitchen skylight, she saw that he wasnt as young as shed thought. 8hen shed opened the door, she had been aware only of a skinny body, the face dark against the morning glare. )he body, as she saw it now, was certainly skinny but more wasted than boyish, affecting a genial slouch. !is face was long and rubbery, with prominent light-blue eyes. A (okey look, but a persistence, too, as if he generally got his way. *See, ' happen to be a diabetic,, he said. *' dont know if you know any diabetics, but the fact is when you get hungry you got to eat. 9therwise your system goes all weird. ' shoulda ate before ' came in here, but ' let myself get in a hurry. +ou mind if ' sit down/, !e was already sitting down at the kitchen table. *+ou got any coffee/, *' ha#e tea. !erbal tea, if youd like that.,

*Sure. Sure., She measured tea into a strainer, plugged in the kettle, and opened the refrigerator. *' dont ha#e much on hand,, she said. *' ha#e some eggs. Sometimes ' scramble an egg and put ketchup on it. 8ould you like that/ ' ha#e some 7nglish muffins ' could toast., *7nglish, 'rish, +ukoranian, ' dont care., She cracked a couple of eggs into the pan, broke up the yolks, and stirred them with a cooking fork, then sliced a muffin and put it into the toaster. She got a plate from the cupboard, set it down in front of him. )hen a knife and fork from the cutlery drawer. *0retty plate,, he said, holding it up as if to see his face in it. 3ust as she turned her attention back to the eggs she heard it smash on the floor. *9h, mercy me,, he said in a new #oice, a s1ueaky and definitely nasty #oice. *5ook what ' gone and done., *'ts all right,, she said, knowing now that nothing was. *;usta slipped through my fingers., She got down another plate, set it on the counter until she was ready to put the toasted muffin hal#es and the eggs smeared with ketchup on top of it. !e had stooped down, meanwhile, to gather up the pieces of broken china. !e held up one piece that had broken so that it had a sharp point to it. As she set his meal down on the table, he scraped the point lightly down his bare forearm. )iny beads of blood appeared, at first separate, then (oining to form a string. *'ts 9.:.,, he said. *'ts (ust a (oke. ' know how to do it for a (oke. 'f 'd#e wanted to be serious, we wouldnt#e needed no ketchup, eh/, )here were still some pieces on the floor that he had missed. She turned away, thinking to get the broom, which was in a closet near the back door. !e caught her arm in a flash. *+ou sit down. +ou sit right here while 'm eating,, he said. !e lifted the bloodied arm to show it to her again. )hen he made a sandwich out of the muffin and the eggs and ate it in a #ery few bites. !e chewed with his mouth open. )he kettle was boiling. *)ea bag in the cup/, he said. *+es. 'ts loose tea, actually., *=ont you mo#e. ' dont want you near that kettle, do '/, !e poured boiling water through the strainer into the cup.

*5ooks like hay. 's that all you got/, *'m sorry. +es., *=ont go on saying youre sorry. 'f its all you got, its all you got. +ou ne#er did think ' come here to look at the fuse bo%, did you/, *8ell, yes,, Nita said. *' did., *+ou dont now. +ou scared/, She chose to consider this not as a taunt but as a serious 1uestion. *' dont know. 'm more startled than scared, ' guess. ' dont know., *9ne thing. 9ne thing you dont need to be scared of. 'm not going to rape you., *' hardly thought so., *+ou cant ne#er be too sure., !e took a sip of the tea and made a face. *3ust because youre an old lady. )heres all kinds out there"theyll do it to anything. 4abies or dogs and cats or old ladies. 9ld men. )heyre not fussy. 8ell, ' am. 'm not interested in getting it any way but normal and with some nice lady ' like and what likes me. So rest assured., Nita said, *)hank you for telling me., !e shrugged, but seemed pleased with himself. *)hat your car out front/, *;y husbands car., *!usband/ 8heres he/, *!es dead. ' dont dri#e. ' meant to sell it, but ' ha#ent yet., 8hat a fool, what a fool she was to tell him that. *?@@A/, *' think so. +es., *<or a second ' thought you were going to try and trick me with the husband stuff. 8ouldnt#e worked, though. ' can smell it if a womans on her own. ' know it the minute ' walk in a house. ;inute she opens the door. 'nstinct. So it runs 9.:./ +ou know the last time he dro#e it/, *)he se#enteenth of 3une. )he day he died.,

*2ot any gas in it/, *' would think so., *Nice if he filled it up right before. +ou got the keys/, *Not on me. ' know where they are., *9.:., !e pushed his chair back, hitting one of the pieces of china. !e stood up, shook his head in some kind of surprise, sat down again. *'m wiped. 2otta sit a minute. ' thought itd be better when 'd ate. ' was (ust making that up about being a diabetic., She shifted in her chair and he (umped. *+ou stay where you are. 'm not that wiped ' couldnt grab you. 'ts (ust that ' walked all night., *' was only going to get the keys., *+ou wait till ' say. ' walked the railway track. Ne#er seen a train. ' walked all the way to here and ne#er seen a train., *)heres hardly e#er a train., *+eah. 2ood. ' went down in the ditch going around some of them half-assed little towns. )hen it come daylight and ' was still 9.:., e%cept where it crossed the road and ' took a run for it. )hen ' looked down here and seen the house and the car, and ' said to myself, B)hats it. ' coulda took my old mans car, but ' got some brains left in my head., She knew that he wanted her to ask what he had done. She was also sure that the less she knew the better it would be for her. )hen, for the first time since he had entered the house, she thought of her cancer. She thought of how it freed her, put her out of danger. *8hat are you smiling about/, *' dont know. 8as ' smiling/, *' guess you like listening to stories. 8ant me to tell you a story/, *'d rather youd lea#e., *' will lea#e. <irst, 'll tell you a story., !e put his hand in a back pocket. *!ere. 8ant to see a picture/ !ere.,

't was a photograph of three people, taken in a li#ing room with closed floral curtains as a backdrop. An old man"not really old, maybe in his si%ties"and a woman of about the same age were sitting on a couch. A #ery large younger woman was sitting in a wheelchair drawn up close to one end of the couch and a little in front of it. )he old man was hea#y and gray-haired, with eyes narrowed and mouth slightly open, as if he were asthmatic, but he was smiling as well as he could. )he old woman was much smaller, with dyed brown hair and lipstick. She was wearing what used to be called a peasant blouse, with little red bows at the wrists and neck. She smiled determinedly, e#en a bit frantically, her lips stretched o#er perhaps bad teeth. 4ut it was the younger woman who monopoli&ed the picture. =istinct and monstrous in a bright muumuu, her dark hair done up in a row of little curls along her forehead, cheeks sloping into her neck. And, in spite of all that bulge of flesh, an e%pression of some satisfaction and cunning. *)hats my mother and thats my dad. And thats my sister, ;adelaine. 'n the wheelchair. She was born funny. Nothing no doctor or anybody could do for her. And ate like a pig. )here was bad blood between her and me since e#er ' remember. She was fi#e years older than me and she (ust set out to torment me. )hrowing anything at me she could get her hands on and knocking me down and trying to run o#er me with her fuckin wheelchair. 0ardon my <rench., *'t must ha#e been hard for you. And for your parents., *!uh. )hey (ust rolled o#er and took it. )hey went to this church, see, and this preacher told them she was a gift from 2od. )hey took her with them to church and shed fuckin howl like a fuckin cat in the back yard and theyd say, B9h, shes tryin to make music, oh, 2od fuckin bless her. 7%cuse me again. *So ' ne#er bothered much with sticking around home, you know. ' went and got my own life. )hats all right, ' says, 'm not hanging around for this crap. ' got my own life. ' got work. ' nearly always got work. ' ne#er sat around on my ass drunk on go#ernment money. 9n my rear end, ' mean. ' ne#er asked my old man for a penny. 'd get up and tar a roof in the ninety-degree heat, or 'd mop the floors in some stinkin old restaurant or go grease-monkey for some rotten cheatin garage. 'd do it. 4ut ' wasnt always up for taking their shit, so ' wasnt lasting too long. )hat shit that people are always handing people like me, and ' couldnt take it. ' come from a decent home. ;y dad worked till he got too sick"he worked on the buses. ' wasnt brought up to take shit. 9.:., though"ne#er mind that. 8hat my parents always told me was B)he house is yours. )he house is all paid up and its in good shape and its yours. )hats what they told me. B8e know you had a hard time here when you were young, and if you hadnt had such a hard time you coulda got an education, so we want to make it up to you how we can. )hen not long ago 'm talking to my dad on the phone and he says, B9f course, you understand the deal. So 'm, B8hat deal/ !e says, B'ts only a deal if you sign the papers that you will take care of your sister as long as she li#es. 'ts only your home if its her home, too, he says. *3esus. ' ne#er heard that before. ' ne#er heard that was the deal before. ' always thought the deal was that when they died shed go into a home. And it wasnt going to be my home. *So ' told my old man that wasnt the way ' understood it, and he says, B'ts all sewed up for you to sign, and if you dont want to sign it you dont ha#e to. 'f you do sign it, your Aunt $ennie will be around to keep an eye on you, so when were gone you see you stick to the arrangements. +eah, my Aunt $ennie. Shes my moms youngest sister and she is one pri&e bitch. Anyway, he

says, B+our Aunt $ennie will be keeping an eye on you, and suddenly ' (ust switched. ' said, B8ell, ' guess thats the way it is and ' guess it is only fair. 9.:. 9.:. 's it all right if ' come o#er and eat dinner with you this Sunday/ BSure, he says. B2lad you ha#e come to look at it the right way. +ou always fire off too 1uick, he says. BAt your age you ought to ha#e some sense. B<unny you should say that, ' says to myself. *So o#er ' go, and ;om has cooked chicken. Nice smell when ' first go into the house. )hen ' get the smell of ;adelaine, (ust her same old awful smell. ' dont know what it is, but e#en if ;om washes her e#ery day its there. 4ut ' acted #ery nice. ' said, B)his is an occasion. ' should take a picture. ' told them ' had this wonderful new camera that de#eloped right away and they could see the picture. B$ight off the bat, you can see yourself"what do you think of that/ And ' got them all sitting in the front room (ust the way ' showed you. ;om, she says, B!urry up. ' ha#e to get back in my kitchen. B=o it in no time, ' says. So ' take their picture and she says, B.ome on, now, lets see how we look, and ' say, B!ang on, (ust be patient, itll only take a minute. And while theyre waiting to see how they look ' take out my nice little gun and bin-bang-barn ' shoot the works of them. *)hen ' took another picture and ' went out to the kitchen and ate up some of the chicken and didnt look at them no more. ' kind of had e%pected Aunt $ennie to be there, but ;om said she had some church thing. ' would#e shot her, too, (ust as easy. *So lookie here. 4efore and after., )he mans head had fallen sideways, the womans backward. )heir e%pressions were blown away. )he sister had fallen forward, so there was no face to be seen, (ust her great flowery swathed knees and dark hair with its elaborate and outdated coiffure. *' coulda (ust sat there feelin good for a week. ' felt so rela%ed. 4ut ' didnt stay past dark. ' made sure ' was all cleaned up and ' finished off the chicken and ' knew ' better get out. ' was prepared for Aunt $ennie walkin in, but ' got out of the mood 'd been in and ' knew 'd ha#e to work myself up to do her. ' (ust didnt feel like it no more. 9ne thing, my stomach was so full. 't was a big chicken, and ' ate it all instead of packin it with me, because ' was scared the dogs would smell it and cut up a fuss when ' went by the back lanes like ' figured to do. ' thought that chicken inside of me would do me for a week. +et look how hungry ' was when ' got to you., !e glanced around the kitchen. *' dont suppose you got anything to drink here, do you/ )hat tea was awful., *)here might be some wine,, she said. *' dont know"' dont drink anymore., *+ou A.A./, *No. 't (ust doesnt agree with me., She got up and found that her legs were shaking. 9f course. *' fi%ed up the phone line before ' come in here,, he said. *3ust thought you ought to know.,

8ould he get careless and more easygoing as he drank, or meaner and wilder/ !ow could she tell/ She found the wine without ha#ing to lea#e the kitchen. She and $ich used to drink red wine e#ery day in reasonable 1uantities because it was supposed to be good for your heart. 9r bad for something that was not good for your heart. 'n her fright and confusion, she was not able to think what that was called. 4ecause she was frightened. .ertainly. !er cancer was not going to be any help to her at the present moment, none at all. )he fact that she was going to die within a year refused to cancel out the fact that she might die now. !e said, *!ey, this is the good stuff. No screwtop. !a#ent you got no corkscrew/, She mo#ed toward a drawer, but he (umped up and put her aside, not too roughly. *>h-uh, ' get it. +ou stay away from this drawer. 9h my, lots of good stuff in here., !e put the kni#es on the seat of his chair, where she would ne#er be able to grab them, and used the corkscrew. She did not fail to see what a wicked instrument it could be in his hands, but there was not the least possibility that she herself would e#er be able to use it. *'m (ust getting up for glasses,, she said, but he said no. *No glass,, he said. *+ou got any plastic/, *No., *.ups, then. ' can see you., She set down two cups and said, *3ust a #ery little for me., *And me,, he said, businesslike. *' gotta dri#e., 4ut he filled his cup to the brim. *' dont want no cop stickin his head in to see how ' am., *<ree radicals,, she said. *8hats that supposed to mean/, *'ts something about red wine. 't either destroys them because theyre bad or builds them up because theyre good"' cant remember., She drank a sip of the wine and it didnt make her feel sick, as she had e%pected. !e drank, still standing. She said, *8atch for those kni#es when you sit down., *=ont start kidding with me., !e gathered the kni#es and put them back in the drawer and sat. *+ou think 'm dumb/ +ou think 'm ner#ous/,

She took a big chance. She said, *' (ust think you ha#ent e#er done anything like this before., *.ourse ' ha#ent. +ou think 'm a murderer/ +eah, ' killed them, but 'm not a murderer., *)heres a difference,, she said. *+ou bet., *' know what its like. ' know what its like to get rid of somebody who has in(ured you., *+eah/, *' ha#e done the same thing you did., *+ou ne#er., !e pushed back his chair but did not stand. *=ont belie#e me if you dont want to,, she said. *4ut ' did it., *!ell, you did. !owd you do it, then/, *0oison., *8hat are you talkin about/ +ou make them drink some of that fuckin tea or what/, *'t wasnt a themit was a her. )heres nothing wrong with the tea. 'ts supposed to prolong your life., *=ont want my life prolonged if it means drinkin (unk like that. )hey can find out poison in a body when its dead, anyway., *'m not sure thats true of #egetable poisons. Anyway, nobody would ha#e thought to look. She was one of those girls who had rheumatic fe#er as a child and coasted along on it, couldnt play sports or do anything much, always ha#ing to sit down and ha#e a rest. !er dying was not any big surprise., *8hat she e#er done to you/, *She was the girl my husband was in lo#e with. !e was going to lea#e me and marry her. !e had told me. 'd done e#erything for him. !e and ' were working on this house together. !e was e#erything ' had. 8e hadnt had any children, because he didnt want them. ' learned carpentry and ' was frightened to get up on ladders, but ' did it. !e was my whole life. And he was going to kick me out for this useless whiner who worked in the registrars office. 7#erything wed worked for was going to go to her. 8as that fair/, *!ow would a person get poison/, *' didnt ha#e to get it. 't was right in the back garden. !ere. )here was a rhubarb patch from years back. )heres a perfectly ade1uate poison in the #eins of rhubarb lea#es. Not the stalks"

the stalks are what we eat, theyre fine"but the thin little red #eins in the big rhubarb lea#es, theyre poisonous. ' knew about this, but ' didnt know e%actly how much it would take to be effecti#e, so what ' did was more in the nature of an e%periment. -arious things were lucky for me. <irst, my husband was away at a symposium in ;inneapolis. !e might ha#e taken her along, of course, but it was summer holidays and she had to keep the office going. Another thing, though"she might not ha#e been absolutely on her own. )here might ha#e been another person around. And she might ha#e been suspicious of me. ' had to assume that she didnt know ' knew. She had come to dinner at my house we were friendly. ' had to count on my husbands being the kind of person who puts e#erything off, who would tell me to see how ' took it but not yet tell her that he had done so. So then you say, 8hy get rid of her/ !e might still ha#e been thinking of staying with me/ No. And he would ha#e kept her on somehow. And e#en if he didnt our life had been poisoned by her. Shed poisoned my life, so ' had to poison hers. *' baked two tarts. 9ne had the poison in it and one didnt. ' dro#e down to the uni#ersity and got two cups of coffee and went to her office. )here was nobody there but her. ' told her 'd had to come into town, and as ' was passing the campus 'd seen this nice little bakery that my husband was always talking about, so ' dropped in and bought a couple of tarts and two cups of coffee. 'd been thinking of her all alone when the rest of them got to go on their holidays, and of me all alone with my husband in ;inneapolis. She was sweet and grateful. She said that it was #ery boring for her at the office, and the cafeteria was closed, so she had to go o#er to the science building for coffee and they put hydrochloric acid in it. !a-ha. So we had our little party., *' hate rhubarb,, he said. *'t wouldnt ha#e worked with me., *'t did with her. ' had to take a chance that it would work fast, before she reali&ed what was wrong and had her stomach pumped. 4ut not so fast that she would associate it with me. ' had to be out of the way and so ' was. )he building was deserted, and as far as ' know to this day nobody saw me arri#e or lea#e. 9f course, ' knew some back ways., *+ou think youre smart. +ou got away scot-free., *4ut so ha#e you., *8hat ' done wasnt so underhanded as what you done., *'t was necessary to you., *+ou bet it was., *;ine was necessary to me. ' kept my marriage. !e came to see that she wouldnt ha#e been good for him, anyway. Shed ha#e got sick on him, almost certainly. She was (ust the type. Shed ha#e been nothing but a burden to him. !e saw that., *+ou better not ha#e put nothing in them eggs,, he said. *+ou did, youll be sorry., *9f course ' didnt. 'ts not something youd go around doing regularly. ' dont actually know anything about poison. 't was (ust by chance that ' had that one little piece of information.,

!e stood up so suddenly that he knocked o#er his chair. She noticed that there was not much wine left in the bottle. *' need the keys to the car., She couldnt think for a moment. *:eys to the car. 8hered you put them/, 't could happen. As soon as she ga#e him the keys, it could happen. 8ould it help to tell him that she was dying of cancer/ !ow stupid. 't wouldnt help at all. =eath in the future would not keep her from talking today. *Nobody knows what '#e told you,, she said. *+ou are the only person '#e told., A fat lot of good that might do. )he whole ad#antage she had presented to him had probably gone right o#er his head. *Nobody knows yet,, he said, and she thought, )hank 2od. !es on the right track. !e does reali&e. =oes he reali&e/ )hank 2od, maybe. *)he keys are in the blue teapot., *8here/ 8hat the fuck blue teapot/, *At the end of the counter"the lid got broken, so we used it to (ust throw things in", *Shut up. Shut up or 'll shut you up for good., !e tried to stick his fist in the blue teapot, but it would not go in. *<uck, fuck, fuckC, he cried, and he turned the teapot o#er and banged it on the counter, so that not only did the car keys and house keys and #arious coins and a wad of old .anadian )ire money fall out on the floor but pieces of blue pottery hit the boards. *8ith the red string on them,, she said faintly. !e kicked things about for a moment before he picked up the proper keys. *So what are you going to say about the car/, he said. *+ou sold it to a stranger. $ight/, )he import of this did not come to her for a moment. 8hen it did, the room 1ui#ered. Going to say. *)hank you,, she said, but her mouth was so dry that she was not sure any sound came out. 't must ha#e, though, for he said, *=ont thank me yet. ' got a good memory. 2ood long memory. +ou make that stranger look nothin like me. +ou dont want them goin into gra#eyards diggin up dead bodies. +ou (ust remember, a word outta you and therell be a word outta me., She kept looking down. Not stirring or speaking, (ust looking at the mess on the floor.

2one. )he door closed. Still she didnt mo#e. She wanted to lock the door, but she couldnt mo#e. She heard the engine start, then die. 8hat now/ !e was so (umpy, hed do e#erything wrong. )hen again, starting, starting, turning o#er. )he tires on the gra#el. She walked trembling to the phone and found that he had told the truthD it was dead. 4eside the phone was one of their many bookcases. )his one held mostly old books, books that had not been opened for years. )here was *)he 0roud )ower., Albert Speer. $ichs books. *A .elebration of <amiliar <ruits and -egetables., *!earty and 7legant =ishes and <resh Surprises,, assembled, tested, and created by 4ett >nderhill. 9nce $ich had got the kitchen finished, Nita had made the mistake for a while of trying to cook like 4ett. <or a rather short while, because it turned out that $ich hadnt wanted to be reminded of all that fuss, and she herself hadnt had enough patience for so much chopping and simmering. 4ut she had learned a few things that surprised her. Such as the poisonous aspects of certain familiar and generally benign plants. She should write to 4ett. Dear Bett, Rich is dead and I have saved my life by becoming you. 4ut what would 4ett care that her life had been sa#ed/ )here was only one person really worth telling. $ich. $ich. Now she knew what it was to miss him. 5ike ha#ing the air sucked out of the sky. She told herself that she could walk down to the #illage. )here was a police office in the back of the )ownship !all. She should get a cell phone. 4ut she was so shaken, so deeply tired that she could hardly stir a foot. She had first of all to rest. She was wakened by a knock on her still unlocked door. 't was a policeman, not the one from the #illage but one of the pro#incial traffic police. !e asked if she knew where her car was. She looked at the patch of gra#el where it had been parked. *'ts gone,, she said. *'t was o#er there., *+ou didnt know it was stolen/ 8hen did you last look out and see it/, *'t must ha#e been last night., *)he keys were left in it/, *' suppose they must ha#e been.,

*' ha#e to tell you its been in a bad accident. A one-car accident (ust this side of 8allenstein. )he dri#er rolled it down into the cul#ert and totalled it. And thats not all. !es wanted for a triple murder. )hats the latest we heard, anyway. ;urder in ;itchellston. +ou were lucky you didnt run into him., *8as he hurt/, *:illed. 'nstantly. Ser#es him right., )here followed a kindly stern lecture. 5ea#ing keys in the car. 8oman li#ing alone. )hese days you ne#er know. Ne#er know. E