The Winding Road

1. When we met It was almost instantaneous, how we met and fell in love. I could not imagine anything filled with more cliches and cheesy lines and awkward moments, but once we overcame that bump, it was as though we have known each other our whole lives.

! !

My eyes met yours and somehow, my heart working with my silly little brain, all of the people in the crowded room and the loud music disappeared and it was just us, staring at each other and unable to break away. A small smile cracked your face and it made my cheeks hot. I looked away and searched the room for the guy I had arrived with and went to him and his group. I conversed with them, having just met them. I had just moved in with Cameron in Houston when he said that he found a regular gig in Houston. It was probably a month after we settled into our small one-bedroom apartment when he said that one of his famous actor friends was throwing a party and he wanted to reconnect with one of his best friends. I met him through a friend of a friend during a road trip to Colorado and we had bonded over my inability to eat smores without burning my tongue and his ability to play guitar under a night sky filled with stars.

! !

He had black curly hair that framed his pale small face in a way that made him look like a poet from another time. He was a hopeless romantic, just like every guy Ive ever met and someone I thought I would eventually spend the rest of my life with. At least, until I met you. His dark blue eyes brightened when he sang his lines of poetry and his smile would light up the room at the simplest things. Cameron pulled me closer to him as we laughed at something that John said. In his circle, we were the perfect couple, even though we looked awkwardly mismatched in pictures. Our mornings, afternoons, and evenings consisted of a smoothly run routine, finishing each others sentences, getting things done, as if our relationship were a well-oiled machine.

! At the time, I thought that was what I liked. ! Babe, have I introduced you to Robbie yet? Cameron asked while pulling me in for a kiss. ! Thats the guy whos running the party, right? I asked, shaking my head. !
Thats the one, hes over there. I want to show him my pretty little girlfriend, he grinned, pulling me through the crowd, one hand holding his cup of beer, the other tightly gripping me.

I laughed, following him until we reached the couch, where a small crowd was gathered around the table full of liquor bottles. And there you were, surrounded by your friends and the girls who admired your onscreen presence. You didnt know I was there until Cameron yelled out your name, drawing your eyes past his and straight to mine.

! Another gaze and yet again, everyone else was gone. !

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Cameron! came your crisp British accent as you stood up and clasped my then boyfriend in a hug. How are you doing, mate? Did you just move back to Houston?

! ! ! ! ! !

Yea! I recently moved in with this lovely miss here, Cameron laughed, pulling me into the conversation. Instead of the small smile that had appeared on your lips earlier, you grinned widely at this time. Our eyes connected briefly before I averted mine shyly and extended my hand, Nice to meet you, Im Quynh. Call me Robbie, you said. You reached past my hand and pulled me into a hug. I was surprised and reacted stiffly, resting my hand lightly on your back as you said, Cameron was a good friend of mine when we were studying music together, so you found a good guy! Nah man, Cameron laughed sheepishly, pulling me close when we parted. Im the lucky one, this girls got me constantly on my toes! Well I stand corrected! you laughed. You pointed at the table and said, Come on, mate, Quynh, take a shot with me! And that was how it started. For the rest of the night, we mingled. We mingled until the party died down into intimate conversations between friends. I was drunk and eventually I found myself sleeping and nestled against Cameron as you and him chatted about old times. I drifted in and out of my dreams, picking up pieces and bits of your conversation, about your most recent girlfriend and your current job and how you missed hanging out with Cameron, the boy who, at that time, held my heart.

Eventually he woke me up when the sun was barely rising. He had work later that afternoon and the forecast called for snow in the afternoon so we had to get home before the ice could freeze the roads. Cameron went outside to pull the car around the front and meanwhile, I was with you, putting on my layers of jackets and scarves. Even though I had lived in Texas all of my life, I could not get used to the fickle nature of the weather. One day it would be hot enough to wear shorts in the middle of January, the next it was colder than New York.

You were still groggy, leaning against the door frame in front of your front door, while you watched me bundle up. Your arms were folded against your chest and your green eyes, halflidded as they were, seemed to be paying attention to every single detail of my actions. I could not help but feel like a child in front of you, being observed and scrutinized. Your laugh was hoarse in the morning and your voice was deeper than it was the night before, Not a fan of the cold?

No, I shivered inwardly. Was it bad that even at that time, I wonder what you would sound like in a song? Theres barely any snow in the area where I grew up.

! I see, you chuckled, So how did you two meet? !

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You know, the usual, I smiled. In that moment, my mind was lost in the memories of our time under the stars. In a campfire under the night sky.

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! You smiled back, Romantic. ! You sound a little jaded. !

Comes with the job, you said, After a while, youre not sure if its part of a script or if its real.

! Well, if its real, then youd know, I would think, I said thoughtfully. ! !

The door opened again and Cameron appeared at the doorway. His red Honda was still running and the cold wind blew into the house, or maybe mansion would have been a more appropriate term, causing me to shiver slightly. Come on, babe, its time to go. I nodded to you and told you how nice it was to meet you before I scurried out the door, leaving you and my boyfriend to say your goodbyes. I hadnt realized how fast my heart was beating until I finally closed the door and sighed at the heat radiating from the vents. As we rode home, I tried to recount my thoughts of you and put you into words but I found that I couldnt. The things I knew about you and the things I didnt, they could not contain you in sentences but at that time, I did not know. I did not know that meeting you would be important. I did not know that it was but a blip in the time in which our story would span.

! That, dear Robbie, was how we first met. !

2. When I was happy before you I woke up to the sound of Cameron singing and the smell of eggs and bacon coming from the kitchen. Valentines Day had been on the eve of our two-year anniversary and still, he was making breakfast for me the day after. I rolled over and buried myself further into the feather soft pillow that made up our bed and smiled. My eyes wandered the room full of pictures and objects that had built what we were as a couple and I couldnt believe that I had been living with Cameron for almost six months now.

! !

Every transition with him has been so smooth that I couldnt be happier. It was a fairytale to me. I fell asleep to his songs every night and our mornings consisted of breakfasts together while the sun was rising. We were both lost in our own worlds him in a book of songs or poetry and me in newspaper until we would find each other again before we both had to go to work. Cameron was working on an album and me, an engineering job that often took me back and forth to Dallas.

! !

Sometimes I would be gone for a weekend at my parents when the job required some details on the field. Other times, you would be gone on a tour, traveling around Texas or other nearby states. We were happy though, having found a routine that was made us both enjoying each others company and voices and adventures. And good morning to you, babe, Cameron sang in his soothing deep voice. Whenever he smiled, I could not help but smile along. The dimples in his cheeks made it impossible not to respond.

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! !

Good morning, love, I responded, opening my arms and beckoning him to come back to bed. He held in his hands, a tray of food. On it was a plate of eggs and bacon, a small glass vase for four light pink roses, utensils, and a mug of orange juice. We kissed as he joined me in bed. How are you this morning, babe?

! Wonderful, thank you, I laughed, touched by his gesture. This looks delicious. ! ! ! ! ! !

My eyes took in the details of the tray slowly and Cameron, as if he knew me, waited patiently until I found it. A small gasp left my lips. It was there, hidden between the vase and the cup of orange juice, placed there as if he didnt know how else to do it. I picked it up slowly, unable to process the weight and feel of white gold between my fingers. The diamond sparkled prettily at me, like the stars did that night. Its been two years and I gotta tell you, babe, I cant believe I waited this long to tell you that Ive been ready all along. I know you were worried at first, but I want you to know that Im here for the long haul. If youre not ready, its okay, Ill wait I stopped him before he could say anything else, sealing his words with a kiss as tears streamed down my face. Yes, yes, its yes, yes! I said repeatedly, too happy to be able to form a coherent sentence, but he didnt care. That morning, we made love and for the first time, it felt different. It felt wonderful and real and permanent. I had forgotten you at that point, buried you into a corner of my mind as Camerons good friend. You were in Canada, filming for a show that I had no time to watch. I had dismissed our meeting as a fluke, something that happened in the midst of the imaginary stress of the transition from Dallas to Houston, moving in with the love of my life. It had been no secret between Cameron and me, that my fear of commitment made me jumpy. But after we had met, after I left with Cameron, that fear disappeared as he and I drove home together. I had watched him while he drove and hummed under his breath. I felt a calm and for the first time since weve dated, I felt so certain about our decision of moving into together, moving to Houston. In that moment, you had slipped my mind, as if meeting you had nothing to do with it. As if you were yet another stranger in my life, coming in and leaving.

! Oh, dear Robbie, how wrong I was. ! ! !

3. When I met her

Congrats, mate! you grinned as you shook Camerons hand and when you turned to me, your smile became slightly tender as our gaze connected. And Quynh, you look lovely tonight. Cams really lucky to have you.

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Thank you, I blushed.

You pulled closer the girl standing next to you and I took in her straight brown hair and light blue eyes. She was thin but tall and next to you, it was as though you two had been made for each other. She was a model for a small but rising clothing line made by a friend of yours and you two had met when you were visiting her photo shoot with your friend, Mike, who was seeing his girlfriend at the time. Calmly you introduced her, This is Emma, my girlfriend.

Cameron laughed, clapping you on the shoulder as he shouted, Robbie, you dog! You didnt tell me that you were dating someone! Nice to meet you, Emma!

! We wanted to keep things on the down low, she commented, shaking Camerons hand. ! !

We all talked for a while before Emma and you left to go join the table where our other friends sat. The engagement party was a small gathering of close friends and family at a hotel ballroom and you belonged at our table, Cameron had said. We talked to others who were slowly coming in and before long, we settled down at our table. Before us, I had believed that to be the happiest day of my life and that the only other day that could surpass would be the wedding day. I was wearing the dark red dress that hugged my petite body, Camerons favorite because he said that it made my skin look like amber honey, and the diamond necklace he gave me on my birthday, barely four months after we met. My hair was up, curled and held in place with pins and a headband. I had finally broken into those black heels and I looked beautiful.

We had our toasts, ate, drank, danced, and laughed the night away. Soon, it was like the night we first met, the crowd thinning down to close friends, a group of ten that was quickly diminishing. As the staff cleaned around us, we knew it was time to leave. You were the first to leave. You held Emmas hand and guided her out of the room after you bid your farewells, a brotherly hug with Cameron and a kiss on the cheek with me.

! I almost missed the look of displeasure on Emmas face as you two left. !

When we had finally said all of our goodbyes, Cameron and I were headed towards the front door with our arms around each other, laughing about the events that had transpired that night. It was the first time he has seen his dad in years and it was the first time anyone has ever gotten me to chug a whole mug of beer. Wait!

! Whats up, babe? Cameron asked, smiling because he realized I was still slightly drunk. ! I need to go to the bathroom, I answered, Be right back! !
Okay babe, Ill be in the front. He laughed and walked off, leaving me to wander to the bathroom.

! !

Before I could enter the womens room, the door opened and out came Emma, adjusting her dress and hair. When she saw me, she smiled, Quynh!

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Emma! What are you still doing here? I asked.

! !

She didnt answer and for a split second, I could have sworn that I saw something akin to disdain in her smile as she responded before walking off, Its nice to finally be able to put a face to the name. Before I could say anything, she had already disappeared around a corner and all I could think about next was hurrying to the bathroom so I wouldnt make Cameron wait for too long. I came into the bathroom and went for the faucet, splashing cold water on my face so I could be more awake. I jumped when the door opened behind me and from behind it emerged you.

! Our eyes met from the mirror and I bolted up and exclaimed, Youre here! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Sorry if I scared you, you said ever so politely. I didnt think anyone would be here at this time. No, Im not scared, I laughed, almost unable to hide the nervousness in my voice, Just surprised. I saw your girlfriend come out a while ago, I should have known. Right, you nodded as you walked up next to me, adjusting your shirt and tie nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened between you and Emma before I came into that bathroom, Congratulations, again. If you ask me, two years ago, Cameron swore up and down that he would never get hitched. Takes a special woman to get him to do it willingly. Hes a wonderful guy, I feel lucky to have him, I said, washing my hand quickly. Even then, I felt like I couldnt bear to be around you. I didnt know it was tension, just that there was something about you that I was not comfortable with and I didnt think I should ever be alone with you. Emma seems like a nice girl, a lot of guys must be chasing her before you well, I gotta go now. As I started to walk off, you called out my name, your voice, a rich timbre, in a way that made me shiver. Quynh, dont forget this. I turned around and saw you holding my ring in your palm. As I reached for it, you clasped my left hand and with your other hand, slowly slid the ring onto my finger. I held my breath, watching the movement of your hands and feeling the warmth of it holding mine. Almost breathlessly I said, Yes, that would be bad if I forgot. In that moment, dear Robbie, I knew what it was. There was an intensity to which I lusted for you that I was afraid to confront, some kind of passion or tension between us that could be far greater than what I had with Cameron. And to some extent, I tried to suppress the fact that it could be anything greater than lust. Perhaps it was due to your fame or looks or unattainability. I wonder if you knew at the time, but when I figured it out, it was just the beginning. It was the beginning to the shattering of what I had built with Cameron and to what Ive built with you, something that the word relationship could scarcely come to describe.

! !

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4. When we were alone I tried not to be alone with you after that day. Somehow it felt like you could sense it and if I did not know any better, I could better mistake the look of amusement in your eyes for something else every time I visited the studio with Cameron and you were there. I made sure to stay close to him without alerting him of the tension between us. Only one day, being alone with you was impossible to avoid.

Three months after my engagement party with Cameron, I was at home on a Saturday evening, flipping through the pictures of wedding dresses and flowers before Cameron had called. Babe, how are you doing?

! Pretty good, I hummed, Looking through some dresses, how is the recording doing? ! ! !

Great, he laughed, Hey, I just wanted to let you know, I am sending Robbie to our place to pick up Ellie. Were doing an acoustic session today and that completely slipped my mind. Cameron named all of his guitars after the girls he has dated. I suppose it was a sign of our mismatch when I hadnt been jealous of that fact. I had taken it for what he had said they were an inspiration for his songs, of love, of heartbreak, of moving on, of being stronger, of finding love again. Alright, Ill get it out for him, is there anything else? I asked. Somehow it hadnt registered in my head at the time what that would mean.

! Smooch, smooch? I could almost see him smiling over the phone. ! I laughed and, after hearing the knock on the door, said into the phone, Smooch, smooch. ! ! ! ! !

You were standing there in your dark fitting jeans and button up shirt, tucked in. Suddenly I felt underdressed in my pajamas and a blush found its way to my cheeks. Hey Robbie. I assume that Cameron has already told you, he said, walking in as I headed towards the music room where he kept his instruments. Robbie followed me inside after he closed the door. Let me grab it for you real quick, I just got off the phone with him, I answered. Robbie stood there in the center of the room as I went into the back room, looking at all of the awards and sheet music. I felt uncomfortable with the silence. From the moment he has come into the apartment, I have yet to look at him in the eyes. How are things with Emma? He was quiet for a while and I could hear his footsteps padding around the room slowly, maneuvering between instruments and chairs and sheet music. After a while, he responded, We broke up about a month ago. I paused, picking up the guitar case that was holding Ellie. You were single now. Gracious. I walked out slowly, asking, Im sorry, do you mind if I ask what happened?

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! ! ! ! !

We werent clicking, you shrugged, taking the guitar from me. How is the wedding planning? Hectic, I rolled my eyes, walking with you to the living room, There never seems to be an end to what I need to do next. Your green eyes wandered the table full of pictures of dresses and flowers. They lingered on each dress, as if you were picturing me in them and perhaps, I blushed at the thought, undressing me as well. There was something in your gaze in that moment that was both forbidding and dark. Quietly, you responded, You will be fine. Thanks, I tried to smile as though everything were normal and shuffled towards the front door where we stood at the doorway, you on the outside and me on the inside, holding the door frame and guarded. For the first time in three months, you had come forward with your amused gazes with these simple words: And may I ask why you are always so uneasy around me? Have I done something to make you feel uncomfortable?

! Uneasy? Well Im not uneasy, I stuttered. You didntyou didnt do anything. ! I see, you answered slowly, setting down the guitar. I feel I should elaborate. ! On what? ! You were moving closer at this point. On why Emma and I broke up. ! ! Why did you guys break up? I asked again. !

It was almost as if you knew what I was thinking and there was some kind of look in your eyes that said everything that you werent saying. You walked closer to me until the space between us was almost closed.

I met someone, you see. I cant stop thinking about her and I thought that dating Emma would solve that problem because shes with someone else. My heart skipped a beat. You were so cruel with that smile on your face as you watched my reaction. And after dating Emma, I find that it was even harder for me to stop thinking about this girl, because with Emma, she is another body that I could use to make it easier to imagine that she was really with me.

! I see, I said slowly, averting my eyes to the ground, That doesnt sound fair to her. ! No it doesnt, you answered in such a matter of fact voice, And thats why we broke up. !
The tension thickened because I didnt have anything to say that would make it not end awkwardly or badly. Fortunately, your phone rang and there I saw Camerons name. You picked up the phone with one hand and the other, lifting my chin until my eyes met with yours and you trapped me in your gaze. Hey, Robbie speaking.

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! ! !

I was frozen, unable to move away, and I could barely stifle a sigh as your finger started to stroke my cheek. Even though your lips were moving and something something completely different, your eyes were saying something else You know its no longer possible to avoid this. Yep, you spoke into the phone, I got it right here. Alright, Ill be there in a few. See ya, mate. You hung up the phone and lowered your hand and averted your gaze to the guitar, as if it were a remainder that Cameron would forever be an obstacle between us. I bit my lips, unsure as to what to say or do until you murmured softly, with a touch of pain in your deep voice, Youre my mates girl. Why did it have to be you?

! Oh, Robbie, it seemed like you knew before I ever did. ! ! 5. When it started to fall apart ! !

It didnt start to fall apart right away. With Cameron, things had always been so easy. Our words of affection came so easily and we were both inclined to take it in such a goodnatured way that neither of us failed to see how complacent we were. It was hard not to take each other for granted. First it was the little things, and then somehow in the scheme of things, those little things seemed to overshadow everything else. You had left for Canada again, this time for four months, during which my relationship with Cameron started to crumble under the pressure of our familys input into our wedding planning. The stress of the wedding had at first put you out of my mind but soon you became some kind of oasis, an escape for when I did not want to think about the costs of dresses, which band to choose, and which cake to pick. That, however, was not until the end when I saw you again.

At first, it started with Cameron going on a tour. It would last for a week, but during this week, he promised to look at the music and tuxedos he would need. Work was starting to pile up for me and during that week, we had only spoken with each other once for twenty minutes, during which we had discussed the wedding and disagreed over the location since the place where I wanted a quaint little area in the forest that I felt was one of beauty was booked for two years. We did not end that conversation with our usual smooch smooch or I love you, and strangely enough, neither of us had noticed.

! !

I had seen him for maybe four hours the night he came back and the night I had to leave for Dallas for dinner, during which we quickly made love and lounged in bed eating ice cream and talking about our week. We spoke on the phone while I drove up there, as we usually would when our overlaps happened like this, and said our goodnights before going about our usual routine. This kind of scheduling happened over the course of four months to the point where, now that I think about it, we had probably been in each others presence for maybe a total of two weeks, not counting sleep. Normally in the past, this was a normal thing. We kept in

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constant contact, and even if we didnt, we would miss each other and be happy when we reunited. However under the pressure of the wedding, the pressure from Camerons upcoming album release, and the pressure from the clients for my company, it was sometimes hard to maintain what constant affections we had in the past.

! !

We fought more and sometimes went to bed angry when, in the past, that never would have happened without some kind of resolution before bed. I felt us diminishing and a times, I could not tell if I wanted to go on with the wedding. It was only until one night that, perhaps, the finishing blow was delivered to the pre-shattering of our relationship. I was in my hotel room all alone, having just gotten off the phone with Cameron, arguing over minuet details having to do with the invitations and seating cards. I was angry and dammit I did not want to lie there in bed pissed at the world. So I turned on the TV and the first thing I saw was you. You looked significantly younger than you actually were, at the age of 23, and it seemed like you were playing an immortal for five years. Once Upon a Time was the name of the show and you first entered the casts at the age of 18 and I could hardly believe that you were playing what was supposed to be a 13-year-old immortal.

I watched you act and marveled at the expressions on your face. They were so genuine and strong and the clothes you wore only revealed more of what I had seen before strong forearms and muscles. Before I knew it, the episode was over and I was left wanting to see your face again. This was like before, I realized, this lust has come up again and I did not want to have anything to do with it. I tried so hard to hide it and push down the time when we were alone months ago but it didnt work.

So I reached for the phone and dialed. Softly I spoke into the phone when the call was picked up, Cameron?

! Are you okay, Quynh? ! I love you. Im sorry we fought, but I really love you. ! ! ! !

Even though I dont remember him saying it, I know he said it back. In that moment, my mind has tuned everything else because I came to a shattering realization, the realization of me looking at what Cameron and I had and seeing that it had burned down and I was simply living in the memory of the fire of our romance. Oh, Robbie, we had fallen apart when I realized that those words did not align with how I felt. I did not love him anymore. 6. When you rescued me

During my first time in Vancouver, I had been trying to drive back to my hotel during a snowstorm. Being completely new to this ruthless weather, I had no clue what to do. The snow was becoming thicker and thicker and the road, more and more slippery by the moment. Work had called me over there to be a representative for the company as a potential client. If things worked out well, there would be a new branch established in Canada and soon, Wooltechner Inc. would be on its way to being an international company.

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My wedding to Cameron was but two months away at this point and you had just sent us your RSVP, saying that you will indeed be back in time to attend the wedding as the best man. When I called Cameron to say that I would be in Vancouver for two weeks, he immediately gave me your number in case emergencies came up. If he knew how we felt about each other, he would not have done that. He would have gone to Vancouver with me and he would not have made you his best man. He trusted us too much.

When it got too hard for me to see the road, I pulled over to the side, watching as ice trucks drove past and the snow began to pile up. I turned the car up and bundled up in the blanket that had been sitting in the passenger seat. I took this time to go over the notes I had gotten from the meeting so I could prepare for the next one in four days. I didnt wait for too long before deciding that the storm was not going to ease up and that if I waited any longer, my car would be buried in snow. The hotel was almost twenty miles away and if I wanted to get back before everything froze over, I should have started driving ten minutes ago.

! ! ! ! !

I turned the key to start the car but after some revving, it was starting to become obvious that the car wasnt going to start. I panicked. I knew nothing about cars, let alone what to do when it would not start. I wanted to call Cameron but we didnt have international minutes and before I knew it, I was dialing your number because you were the only one I knew who was in Vancouver at the time. You sounded both weary and surprised to hear my voice, as if after a long day of work, you wanted nothing more to do than relax and I almost felt bad for calling you. I tried to stay calm as I explained to you what was happening and you, just as calm, instructed me on what to check to see if my car was still working and after a few moments of frustration, you announced that you would drive to pick me up. I was freezing in my car for almost an hour, curled up in what felt like a flimsy blanket while waiting for you. Your car arrived when no one else was around and I almost thought that you were someone else, but you knocked on the window and even when your face was covered up by the ski cap and scarf, I recognized your green eyes immediately. I followed you into your car after taking my necessities and locking the car, noting the location for the tow truck tomorrow. You were driving your black Mustang, a car you kept for the tracks near the acting site. You were sleeping, I said almost accusingly. I could not keep myself from sounding that way after realizing that you had gotten out of bed, driven for an hour in a snow storm, to come get me.

! Just a nap, you shrugged, Where are you staying? !

We got there in half an hour of driving in silence, the heater blasting and the winds roaring outside. Before you could decide to drive off, I suggested that you stay with me for the night and leave tomorrow when the storm died down and you almost refused, stating that you had to be at work at 6 in the morning. Listen, I would really feel a lot better if you stayed tonight because you seem really tired and I already feel bad for making you drive all the way out there to pick me up.

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Fine, you muttered almost stubbornly as you took your coat off and followed me to my room. No one recognized you because of your disguise and once we were back in my room, I almost felt that tension shoot up again.

! You can stay on the bed, I suggested, pulling a set of blankets for myself. ! ! Where else would you sleep? Theres no couch here. ! Then we both sleep in the bed. ! I stayed quiet and shot you a look. !

Youve got to be kidding me, you responded with disdain, Im not a weakling. You stay on the bed.

Immediately, you rolled your eyes and responded, Quynh Im not a monster. I have not done anything inappropriate to you and so you shouldnt treat me as such. Its extremely cold outside and honestly, all I want to do right now is get to sleep so wont you just give me the peace of mind knowing that you are comfortable when you sleep tonight?

! Okay, I responded quietly, setting the blanket back on the bed. !

We were separated with enough space to contain another person that night when I crawled into bed. You had gotten rid of your jackets and scarves and underneath, you were wearing your pajamas, sweats and a black long sleeve, yet another evidence that you had simply gotten out of bed to come rescue me. We both laid there in silence for a while, both of us awake, neither of us were going to fall asleep any time soon. My heart was drumming furiously against my chest and it made me wonder if you could have heard it at the time.

Thank you, I called out into the night, turning so I was facing you while lying on my side. You didnt have to go out of your way like that, but you did. Im really glad youre here.

! You sighed quietly and moved around before letting out a small hum, It was my pleasure. ! ! ! !
7. When we woke up in each others arms

Although neither of us spoke of that night to Cameron, Robbie, we both knew that night would be the night when what fell apart months before would slowly start to fall into place.

Instead of waking up to the rising sun, I woke up in darkness, nestled against the crook of your neck. Your arms were tightly wound around me in such a way that I could not move, but then, my legs were tangled in yours in such a way that you could not move either. My mind was still drifting out of my dreams, those of a life before Cameron when I was searching for love and adventure. Slowly as I awakened, I find my mind thinking in strange ways.

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Instead of panicking or relishing in your touch, I found myself comparing you to him. Camerons hold has always been gentle but firm and at the slightest move, he would let me free to turn as I would to find my comfort. But yours, yours was tight and possessive. I could still breathe but resistance was not an option. In your arms I had no desire to move for somehow we fit just like pieces of a puzzle, comfortable even in such snug situations.

As I drifted back to sleep, buried in your warmth, I wondered if you had woken up to find yourself in this situation as well and if you found yourself wanting to find more comfortable positions. That time, I dreamed about you. Up until that moment, I found that I had spent every minute of us knowing each other avoiding you, finding chances not to be alone and saying almost next to nothing. Cameron would always reproach me for being an introvert and not sharing my thoughts, but somehow, you made me even more introverted.

! ! !

Maybe it was your presence or the way you held yourself, as though you expected everyone, not excluding me, to pay complete attention to you. Somehow, you could speak your mind and share your deepest thoughts and they would just listen as though the words came from the sky. They gathered around you like moths to a fire. With me, however, with me, you became the moth and I became the fire and that frightened me. Even with the distance you kept, I could almost feel you listen to my every word, watch my every expression, and memorize my ever action. I only knew that because I have done just that much with you. We didnt know it back then, but what we thought was lust was much more. I drifted in and out of sleep, between the you in my dreams and the you in my reality. Sometimes I could not tell if you had waken or if I were dreaming. The feel of your lips on my forehead was so tender yet your eyes were so guarded, as though you werent ready to talk about it. Your fingers tangling themselves in my hair and the sigh that fell from your lips as we both pulled each other closer. It was getting harder and harder to breathe, but I have never felt more free.

! ! !

Dear Robbie, how can I begin to tell you? How can I start to describe how confused I was, waking up later on by myself in that bed without you? How can I recall the anger I felt at myself for keeping that memory to myself, cherishing it much more than what I had with Cameron? The anger I felt with you for leaving and acting as if nothing has happened, especially after Cameron and I broke up and when I needed you most? 8. When we broke up

Unlike any other couple, my breakup with Cameron went the same way our relationship always did amicably, smoothly, and efficiently. The sadness was contained for both of us from months of being apart and Cameron had wished me the best and vice versa. He had met someone else while on tour and promised that he had been faithful because he still loved me enough to want to protect me from that. Our wedding was called off three weeks before the date and a day before the rehearsal dinner. It was anti-climactic to say the least.

There were no fights, no yelling, no one trying to hold on. We both woke up one day and had breakfast together and in that silence, we could not find comfort or the familiarity of each

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others company. Somewhere along the way, we had both changed and grew apart. We kissed and parted, him with a promise that he was going to move out and find his own place even though we both knew that by the end of the month, this home that weve built together would be empty and void of people.

! !

I hadnt heard from you after that night. Even for an actor, it was as though youve completely gone off the grid. I hadnt tried to reach out either. You left without saying a word and Robbie, I didnt know what was worse: the fact that even after the end of my relationship with Cameron, the person I wanted to see most was you or the fear that somehow, things were over between us before it even began. 9. When I broke down The first time I broke down was in my parents kitchen. After requesting a transfer back to Dallas, I moved back in with my parents to watch over their declining health. My dads heart was giving him problems and my mom was finding it harder and harder to walk as the days passed. Everyone came to comfort me and offer their condolences to the cancelled wedding but the truth was that after a week, I had moved on.

! !

Cameron and I remained good friends and kept in contact when we could. I had wished him the best of happiness with a girl who had been his fan since the beginning, going on every single tour to every single concert. Our mutual friends came and went and tried to take sides after finding that he had started seeing someone else almost immediately after the relationship. I defended him as the remaining memento to our two year relationship and kept mostly to myself, reading books and going to work and trying to find an inner calm.

I found myself waiting for you to come, waiting for you to reach out or call me to offer your condolences but you never did. Instead I saw you on screen, walking the red carpet with your arm resting on the waist of a model who was your date to whichever event you were invited to. For once I felt that unrest, the discomfort arising from the possibility that you were lying with someone else at night, that they fit in your arms the way I did or maybe it was I who fit in your arms the way they did.

! ! ! !

Robbie, that was when I was most alone and that was when I needed you most. Robbie, that was when I realized that I could not depend on anyone else but myself. 10. When I flew away

My move to north California was almost unanticipated. My company was doing unexpectedly well and as a result, they wanted me to be the head of a branch they were opening up in California. I was eager to get out of Texas, away from my friends, away from Cameron, away from you. After almost half a year after I broke my engagement with Cameron, he was going steady with that girl and all I wanted to do was be alone. I had given up on the hope of hearing from you and I just wanted to move on.

I moved into a small two bedroom house by the sea, completed with a small garden that I could call my own and a sun room I used for reading. It was the greatest decision for me at

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the time, to get away. I had moved in with Cameron barely a few months after finishing school and therefore never had the chance to be alone and free. And now there I was, sitting in the kitchen and looking out the window that overlook the sea.

! !

For once I felt free. Sometimes I didnt think about you, but sometimes I did. I kept myself happy with the fact that I didnt settle into a life of complacency or dive head first into something I was not ready for. I didnt know what you were doing and for once, I did not care. To be honest, I was not sure how long it took for me to get to that point, but when I did, it felt like I was me again. I stopped watching your shows, I stopped looking for you, I stopped thinking about you. During the day, I worked and in the evening, I wrote. Whether it was poetry or a story, I wanted to get my thoughts off my chest, my view point on life and the universe around it. I did not see anything more fitting than me lying on a hammock and enjoying the stars.

! ! ! ! !

Robbie, I didnt think about what you were doing or who you were with. For once I was single, alone, and with myself. I felt so happy that I was lonely that I could not find myself in a better place. 11. When you missed me

In the first time in a long time, I was forced to be alone. Even after a year, I could still remember every single detail of your face. Filming for my part of the show was over and there I was, sitting in the company of myself, back in Houston while you were now thousands of miles away, according to what Cameron had said. I wish I had been there for you when you were going through that break up but truth be told, I was out of my mind. Suddenly it became real, the possibility that we could be together and that I could live for the rest of my life the way we did that night. In my entire life, Ive never let anyone close and you were the one who came closest to figuring me out with a glance without almost never saying a word. And there you were, in my arms, peacefully sleeping as though you werent engaged to my best friend. I was so affected by the morals that did not existed in me before because I wanted to be better for you. So I left. I left and never looked back. I left and never looked back because I feared that looking back at your face would give me the courage and motivation to fight for you.

! I did not only play a coward in Once Upon a Time, I was a coward in real life. ! In short, dear Quynh, I really missed you. ! ! 12. When you came back into my life !

As always we met at another party, two years later. This time, it was Camerons engagement to Lila, a singer whose duet with him captivated him into sleepless nights and whimsical dreams of being with her. When he had called me to tell me about her, to ask me how I felt about it, being as we were once each others soulmates, I told him to be with her,

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to drop down on his knees and propose to her right away. I was genuinely happy for him and wanted nothing more than to tell him that.

! ! ! !

He had reluctantly invited me to his engagement party with her, emphasizing that if I did not feel comfortable in any way, he would understand. The two of them had came to California for a show and when I had met her, I knew she was right for him and we had gotten along regardless of my history with him. Lilas sweet brunette demeanor fit her personality perfectly. She took one look at me and said, You know, I didnt believe Cameron at first when he said that you guys are still good friends, but now that Ive met you, I believe him. Quynh, it would seriously make my night if you came to our engagement party. And so I did two months later. I was staying at the hotel where that party took place and ironically, it was the same one we were at years ago. At this point, people no longer looked at me as Camerons former fiancee. It was some kind of miracle, perhaps, that there was no pitied stares or sad looks. I didnt mind, I enjoyed myself, of course. While I was sitting down and chatting with some of our friends from high school, Cameron tapped me on the shoulder with a wide smile, asking meekly, How about a dance?

! Sure thing, I grinned. !

It was interesting, dancing with him again. While it should have reminded me of the times when we were together, it didnt. We were good friends, having a dance to old times because of all of the things weve been through.

! How are you, Cameron? ! Incredibly happy, he beamed. I hope you are too, Im really glad youre here. ! I am, I nodded, Tell me about how things are with her. ! ! I laughed, That sounds about right. ! Suddenly he sobered up, Look, Quynh. About three years ago ! Cameron ! Look, I know. Okay? About you and Robbie. ! Cameron, we didnt ! No, I know you didnt. You would never do that to me, he said, I know. !
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Honestly, Lila and I fight about four times a day, he shook his head but in spite of that, he still looked like the happiest man alive. Despite all that, at the end of the day, we always make up.

The Winding Road

I nodded, waiting for him to talk.

That was another reason why I invited you as well. The main reason being that you were a big part of my life and Im one of the lucky few to still have you a part of my life and nothing made me feel worse than knowing about what happened with you and Robbie.

! Im sorry Cameron ! ! ! ! !

No, you dont need to be sorry, thats not my point at all. My point is, my two best friends were attracted to each other and it felt like because of me, you two were hurt. Cameron, Robbie and I are a thing of the past, I shook my head. I told him about what happened of that night and finally ended with, He left. He wanted to do the right thing and he left but even after we broke up, he never came back. Cameron smiled and there was that optimistic dimpled smile of his, Thats the thing, Quynh, hes the reason why we really wanted you to come. He really wanted to see you. What? we both stopped dancing and there was Cameron with his smile, nodding and gesturing for me to turn around. When I did, there you were. You were standing there in your black suit, a black jacket over your black dress up shirt, completed with a dark red tie. You were tugging on your tie and trying to fix your jacket and it was the first time Ive ever seen you uncomfortable and uncertain. Our eyes met and you squirmed. I could not help but smile when you came to me.

! May I have this dance? you asked, your voice as deep as it always had been. ! All yours, my friend, Cameron smiled, as if that was how he approved of us. !

With your arms around my waist and mine around your neck, I can feel people taking pictures of us but you were focused on no one else but me. Two years and you have changed so much. Your hair was a darker brown now and your skin, slightly tan, your frame much more muscular but still, your eyes were the same mysterious shade of green that I fell in love with years ago. My hair was longer now, so long that it reached my waist and I had to curl it to make it shorter. I was wearing a light blue dress and white heels that made me almost reach your shoulder.

I smiled lightly and we stared into each others eyes for the longest time, as if waiting for the other to say something. You were the one to start, to say the least. You look beautiful.

! Thank you, I chuckled, You dont look too bad yourself. ! ! You dont have to, I shrugged, Im over it. !

We continued to dance, eventually drifting closer and closer to one another, and you said to me, ever so quietly, I dont know enough ways to say Im sorry.

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Are you?

! ! !

Yes, I suppose. Its been two years, you have to let go at some point. Thats not what you wanted to talk to me about today, was it? It was, you nodded. Ive been trying to find excuses to see you when I wasnt sure that you wanted to see me again. I stopped. I could not believe it. I stared at you in disbelief, almost angry at what you had said no, I lie, I was angry at what you said. You werent sure? Robbie, why didnt you just pick up your phone?

! I !

Of course, youre a celebrity, right? Youre better than that. I shook my head and walked in the opposite direction, not caring for a bit that you were following me and that now, all eyes were on us. I left the ballroom and went into the elevator, furiously pressing the button to my floor and trying to close the door before you could come in but to no avail, you did and I was trapped in the elevator with you.

! Quynh, let me explain you started to say. !

No, Robbie, let ME explain. I was furious. With those words, you have made me so furious that I did not know what to do with myself. In the two years that Ive been by myself and without you, I have never been more furious. In the past two years, Ive finally deluded myself into thinking that you did not want to be with me because you thought you were better, because you didnt care about me and here you are, begging Cameron to invite me to be here just so you can speak to me?

You started to open your mouth but I cut you off: No, Im still talking. How much more of a coward can you BE, Robbie? Im done with you, okay? Ive moved on and I no longer care to be with you because you know what? All you had to do was call me, come find me, come to tell me that you WANTED me, but you didnt and that breaks my heart. You cannot just walk back into my life as if the past two years of me being alone didnt happen. You cant do that, Robbie. Im tired of pining over you and your busy life because I dont know if you will leave again tomorrow, doing the exact same thing

! ! !

I did not continue. I did not continue because you grabbed me and kissed me. Hard. My body pressed against the wall of the elevator and your body and your hands buried in my hair. You were kissing me. The feelings Ive suppressed came flooding back. Suddenly my hands were holding yours and it was a long time coming. We stumbled into my hotel room and already your phone was ringing off the hook. I fell back onto the bed with you on top of me, tightly pressed against by body with the evidence of your desire and the warmth of your We broke away, breathing heavily and staring into each others eyes until you looked away for a second to throw your phone on the table. Breathlessly, I asked, Is your girlfriend calling you? I dont have one, you said. What about you? Seeing anyone?

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! ! ! ! ! ! !

No, I responded, pulling at the tie on your neck. Our lips connected again and you pressed even closer to me, trailing your hands up my dress. Good. Nothing else was said for the rest of that night. It was odd that all of this was finally happening. I thought all along that it was lust what I felt for you. I desired your eyes and your hair and the physical things. I wanted to just touch you and let go to fulfill my carnal desires but that night, there was something more. There was some kind of spark that made it more than anything Ive ever experienced with Cameron. We couldnt get enough of each other. Your every touch was fire, burning my skin and making me crave for more. More, more, more. You were deep inside me and your hands were everywhere. Before I knew it, we were both trying to catch our breaths, sweaty and worn out. Before I could roll over in the other direction, your arms curled around me and you pulled me against you, tucking me so that like that one night, we were like pieces of puzzles fitting perfectly once again. My eyes were too tired to stay open, but I could feel you gazing at me, taking in every one of my features. My arm, lazily draped over your waist as I was lying on my side, carelessly brushed against the small of your back. One of your arms were under my neck and with the other, your finger was touching my face, running over every inch of the skin on my shoulder. I dreamed of this, you know. I dont know which one of us said it, but you laughed and kissed me and there we were, lying next to each other, our bare skins touching. Bliss. Robbie, even at that time, I did not know. At that time, you were the man with whom I had unfinished business

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