The - Seven.deadly - Sins.2011.retail - Ebook Distribution

Core y Tay l or is the lead singer
of hard rock bands Slipknot and Stone

Sour. A native of Des Moines, Iowa, he
spends his time between there and
the rest of the world.
DA CAP O P RE S S
A MEMBER OF THE PERS EUS BOOKS GROUP
www.dacapopress.com
Jacket design: P. R. BROWN // BAU-DA DESI GN
Jacket photographs: HI DEOUS CORPUS I NC.
Author photograph J OHN MI CHAEL COOPER
I was 22 years old, a hard-on with a pulse: wretched,
vice-ridden, too much to burn and not enough minutes
in an hour to do so. 1995 was a full 365-day year of drinking,
fucking, lying, raging, and exploration for menot a dull one
in the bunch. It was a time of SELF-shit: self-importance, self-
absorption, self-indulgence, and selfishness. I was the only
person in the known galaxy and I wanted what the
fuck I wanted sooner rather than later.
ISBN 978-0-306-81927-8
9 780306 819278
5 2 4 0 0
$24.00 / $28.00 CAN
A lot of guys like Corey Taylor die young
in Americas abundant killing elds. They
get shot in parking lots outside of bars, they
overdose, hang themselves in basements, or
spend their lives in correctional facilities.
In Seven Deadly Sins, Corey shows how he
escaped such a fate and gured something
out along the way, gured out quite a few
things, actually.HENRY ROLLINS
I live at the speed
of my mind and I love
with the strength of my
heart. I am happier than
I ve ever been. But only
because I know where
I have been.
T
HE ACTION BEGINS IN WEST
Des Moines, Iowa, where Corey Taylor,
frontman of Slipknot and Stone Sour, sys-
tematically set about committing each of the
Seven Deadly Sins.
He has picked ghts with douche bags
openly brandishing guns. He has set himself
on re at parties and woken up in dumpsters
after cocaine binges. He lost his virginity
at eleven. He got rich and famous and im-
mersed himself in booze, women, and chaos
until one day he realized, suddenly, that he
didnt need any of that at all.
[continued on the back ap]
[continued from the front ap]
Candid. Literate. Brilliant. Seven
Deadly Sins is a brutally honest look at a
life that could have gone horribly wrong at
any turn, and the soul-searching and self-
discovery it took to set it right.
TAYLOR_9780306819278_jkt_r1.indd 1 5/2/11 1:55:50 PM
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page i
COREY
TAYLOR
icvovviss
A Member of the Perseus Books Group
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page iii
Copyriglt2011byCoreyTaylor
Allrigltsreserved.Nopartoftlispublicationmaybereproduced,stored
inaretrievalsystem,ortransmitted,inanyformorbyanymeans,
electronic,meclanical,plotocopying,recording,orotlerwise,witlouttle
priorwrittenpermissionoftlepublisler.PrintedintleUnitedStatesof
America.Forinformation,addressDaCapoPress,11CambridgeCenter,
Cambridge,MA02142.
DesignedbyTimmBryson
Setin11pointWarnockProbytlePerseusBooksCroup
Taylor,Corey.
Tlesevendeadlysins:settlingtleargumentbetweenbornbadand
damagedgoodiCoreyTaylor.1stDaCapoPressed.
p.cm.
ISBN978-0-306-81927-8(lardcover:alk.paper)1.Deadlysins.2.
Conductoflife.3.InterpersonalrelationsMoralandetlicalaspects.4.
Socialproblems.5.Taylor,Corey.I.Title.
BV4626.T292011
241'.3dc22
2010047735
FirstDaCapoPressedition2011
PublisledbyDaCapoPress
AMemberoftlePerseusBooksCroup
www.dacapopress.com
DaCapoPressbooksareavailableatspecialdiscountsforbulkpurclases
intleU.S.bycorporations,institutions,andotlerorganizations.Formore
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0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page iv
:o rv cniiovv
whom I hope I inspire...
:o rv irv
whom I hope I endear...
o :o rv ovoro:nvv
who instilled in me the will to succeed.
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page v
I cannot call to mind a single instance where I
have been irreverent, except toward the things
which were sacred to other people.
rv :i
Active Evil is better than Passive Good.
iiiir niv
Fuck it all and fuck itno regrets...
rvor orov ic., rv:iiic
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page vi
chapter 1
In the Begi nni ngOr How I
Learned to Love the Cei li ng Fan
1
chapter 2
Wrath of the Con
25
chapter 3
Lust Di sease
47
chapter 4
Bonfi re for Vani ty
69
chapter 5
Three-Toed Sloth
91
vii
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page vii
chapter 6
My Waterloo
113
chapter 7
I m wi th Envy
135
chapter 8
Greedy Li ttle Pi gs
157
chapter 9
Glutton for Puni shment
179
chapter 10
For Your Consi derati on . . .
The New Magni fi cent Seven
201
chapter 11
The Dramati c Conclusi on
223
Acknowledgments 241
viii Contents
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page viii
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page ix
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page x
1
I n t he Begi nni ng
Or How I Lear ned t o
Love t he Cei l i ng Fan
IalwaystoldmyselfIwouldwriteabook.
IknewonedayIwouldsitmyselfdownandpoundwordsinto
submissionspinningyarns,webs,andtalesofdaysgoneby,of
woebegoneafternoonstingedwitlbittersweetdeliglts.Iwould
lunclabovetlepaperandweaveinandoutoffancy,lopingI
wouldbetlenextHunterS.Tlompson . . .oratleastsomebody
likeAnonymous.ButIalsomadeasolemnoatltomyselftlatI
wouldtrytowritesometlingnotonlyofvaluebutalsosome-
tlingtlatladneverbeendonebefore.Iwantedtodotleun-
tlinkable: Bring to tle world a wlole new subtext, a wlolly
different genre. I wanted revolution in wood pulp. I wanted
deatlintlesentence.Iwantedtoreinventtleword.
1
chapter
0306819278-Taylor_Layout 1 4/25/11 11:16 AM Page 1
Obviouslytliswasnotgoingtolappenrigltaway,andon
somekindofmasoclisticlevelIwasokaywitltlat.Iwasstill
kickingemotionalcrabsoutofmysoulcrotcl,reaclingfortle
razorwlilerinsingouttleRid.Anyoneconfusedbytlatlast
metaplorcanpattlemselvesontlebackandwalkawayclean,
so to speak. Anyone wlo las dated a stripper or lived witl
scumbagsknowstlatscenariotoowell,andwelavemoretlan
likelymetatasurvivorsmeetingortwo.
Anyway,betweenTonyRobbinsandDianetics,Ireallydonot
knowwlattlelellisgoingonintleliteraryworldtoday.People
slillget-riclsclemesonlate-nigltTVdisguisedastaxdodges
andgovernmentgrantprograms.Celebritywannabessuckoff
traccopsonceortwiceandaretlrownbookdealslikeslto
tleporpoisesatSeaWorld.WlenParisHiltoncantoptlebest-
sellerslists,weareonemoreConnectFourmoveclosertoAr-
mageddon.IwislIwerebeingfunny,butIamclearlynot.No
onetlisawesomegetsincensedfornoreasonatall.Noonein
myzipcodeanyway.
Iwaslopingtolavemyslotatirreverence.Iwaslopingto
beaslotintlearmforsomekindofpolysyllabicretaliation.
InsteadIamjustlopingtokeepfromneuteringtleglobalbook
market.Imean,comeon.WlatcanIsaytlatlasneverbeen
saidbefore:BetweentleKennedysandtleRoyals,wlatcould
Ipossiblybringuptlatlasneverbeenuttered:UnlessIplan
on making up words, I miglt be lit out of sluck. Last time I
clecked,tlewrittenwordlasbeenaroundsincetloseCeltic
Hippiesputlittlecrazytreesymbolsonanytlingatandcalled
itBeowulf.Sotlereinliesmyconundrum:MucllikeCialis,
wlatwillIdowlentletimeisriglt:

2 covvv :viov
Fast forward years later, wlen I found myself across a dingy
woodentablefromamysteriouslearnedmaninanexoticlocale,
seatedforamealoffoodstuffscalledsusliinadarkandcursed
landknownasLosAngeles.Itwasintlisdinetteof)apanese
comestiblestlatIwastoilingovertlistomeyouloldinyour
lands,andIladreacledapointofnoreturnwlentlisman
positedwritingabouttleSevenDeadlySins.NowIcountered
tlattleonlywaytodotlissubject,onetlatlasbeendriven
intotlegroundwitlderisivefrequency,wastogiveitmyown
uniqueandcantankerousspin.Heofferedtlatinordertodo
tlat,Islouldstartattlebeginning.
Itlougltforasecond.Doingsowouldmeangoinginlarder
tlanIlaveeverallowedmyselftodointlepast.SoIasked,
Tleverybeginning:
Hesaid,Hey,tlosearemyspicytunarolls.
Ol,sorry.ItlouglttleyweremyB.C.S.rolls.
Dotleylook likeyourB.C.S.rolls:
Well,ifyousquintandlookattlemfromtleside . . .
Wlattlelellareyoutalkingabout:
Wait,wlatwastlequestionagain:
Iknowwlatyouaretlinking.Youareaskingwlattlatwlole
lastexclangelastodowitlanytling.Well,Iwilltellyoutle
verykeytotliswloledisasterliesintlatlittlette--tte.For
starters,tleywereindeedlisspicytunarollsand,byfuck,do
notforgetit.Butmoreimportantly,itgavemealaunclpad,an
academic Cape Canaveral to blow my little Sputnik into tle
learts of a world tlat miglt not be ready for tlis Creat Big
Moutl.
Fromtlebeginning,lul:Insertlong,dramaticsigl . . .and
begin.
Seven Deadly Sins 3

Forme,itallstartedonefrigidbastardofanigltin1995.
Iwastwenty-twoyearsold,alard-onwitlapulse,wretcled
andvice-ridden . . .toomucltoburnandnotenouglminutes
inanlourtodoso.Tleyear1995wasafull365-dayyearof
drinking,fucking,lying,raging,andexploring.Itwasatimeof
self-slit:self-importance,self-absorption,self-indulgence,and
selslness. I was tle only person in tle known galaxy, and I
wantedwlattlefuckIwantedsoonerratlertlanlater.Tlegift
oflifewaslorseslit,allIwantedwaseverytlingandIwanted
itfast.TlerearecertainmorningswlenIcanstillfeeltlatyear
inmyjointsandtlefattytissueofmyback.Tlecrazytlingis
tlatifIcoulddoitalloveragain,Iwould,buttlistimeIwould
takeitevenfurtlertlanbefore.
Iwasadrifterwitlnoleasl,nomoney,andnocares.Islept
wlerever my body fell, sometimes because I was exlausted,
otlertimesbecausetlepeopleIladgonetotlepartywitl
justleftmeintlemiddleofnowlere.Tletlingyoulavetore-
memberaboutnowlereisitismerelyacombinationofnow
andlere.CrammaticallyIknowtlatisincorrect,butifyou
lavenotspentyourwlolelifeintleLandofNowlere,youdo
notknowwlattlefuckyouaretalkingabout.
Wlenyouarestuckinaninsurmountablesituation,tlings
likesinandlelldonotreallycrossyourradarorincreasetle
pressureinyourmoralbarometer.Youdonotgiveaslitabout
consequencesaslongasyougetoffandgetofflard.Youlave
animage,ofcourse,butunlesstleHolyClostlimselfcomes
upandpointsaloaded.38atyourfaceandcompelsyoutore-
pent,tlereisaratsassclanceinHadestlatyouwouldcom-
4 covvv :viov
ply.Tlesearetlepsyclosestlatfesterwlenyourworldisa
vacuum. Bring on oblivion, just do not clange tle fucking
clannel.
In1995Iwasanabsolutecrazyperson.Icaugltgonorrlea
twice.Itooktostage-divingoffofvanroofsandontostrangers
inparkinglots.Ipickedgltswitldouclebagsopenlybran-
dislingguns.Isetmyselfonreatparties.Yousee,tliswasnot
BridgeClub,tliswaslopelessabandon.TliswasMad Max and
Gummo allrolledintoone.Cetitdonebeforeyoudrownina
riverofslitwasourmotto.Itdidnotmatter:Toomanyofmy
friendsweredyingorgoingtojail.Prettysoontlerewouldnot
beanyonelefttotlrowaparty.Sodowlattlouwiltwitltle
soulprovided.IfIwasgoingtoburn,itwasgoingtobeonmy
terms.
Tlenonenigltin1995,tlerewasaparty.Iknowtlatisabit
redundantbecausetlerewasalwaysaparty.Buttlisonewas
different.Tlerewasastinklikedestinyontlesmoke.Tlere
waslegendaroundtlecorner.Andforsomereason,Iwasal-
waysintlemiddleofit.Totlisday,Icouldnotndtlislouse
onCPSifyouleldaguntomylead.Icouldnottellyoutle
ownersnameifyoupaidme.ButIremembertleinsideslikeit
wasyesterday.Anditallstartedintlegarage.

Iamgettingaleadofmyself.Letmesettlescene.
Everyweekendtleuncleanwoulddescendonalittlebuilding
inWestDesMoinescalledBilly)oesPitclerSlow,atawdrylit-
tle place tlat loused a karaoke bar, a concession area, four
batlrooms,andtleworldssinglegreatestmovietleaterever.
Nostadiumseatinglikeyouseetodayjust70stableswitl70s
Seven Deadly Sins 5
clairsandalltle70sasltraysyoucouldll.Duringtleweek
tlere was little fanfare$1 movies reacling tle end of tleir
tleatricalreleaseand$2)ell-Oslotsforcaterwaulingyuppies
singing Huey Lewis covers. But on tle weekends, tlis was
groundzero.TliswasourturfbecauseeveryweekendBilly)oes
PitclerSlowpresentedThe Rocky Horror Picture Show.
From all over Iowa, tribes of mists packed tle place. Tle
moviedidnotreallymatter,yousee.Tlerewasnowlereelse
to go. You lad to be twenty-one to get in a bar, and tlis was
tle era just prior to tle great resurgence of all-age slows.
Tlere were no youtl centers (well, no youtl centers youd
want to go to, and some were dangerous), and no one was
legallyallowedtogatlerinparksaftertlecurfew,wliclInever
botlered to learn. To quote Henry Rollins, your cloice was
sl.Weweretlegreatestmotlerfuckersofourgenerationand
we lad notling to do. So we turned notling into sometling,
mostly out of notling at all. Billy )oes became tle rallying
point.Billy)oesbecametlecatalyst.Andwedefendeditwitl
ourownblood.
Calloneofusafag,andwealltlrewdown.Calloneofusa
loser,andyoudbedealtwitlseverely.)ustbecauseyoudidnot
understandus,itdidnotmeanwewerewrong.Wewereamaz-
ingbecausewewantedtobe,andfuckyouifyoucouldnotkeep
up.Wefeltliketlelatestandmaybelastgreaticonoclasticsurge,
anditdidnotmatteriftleworlddidnotknowournames.Tle
worldwasnotallowedtojoinourclub.
Tlepartybeganattletleater,asalways.Wewouldpasstle
lat,buyasmuclslittyboozeaspossible,andeventuallyinvade
somelousewitlabitofroom,aradioofsomesort,andalotof
insurance.Tlisnigltwemanagedtoprocureslelterfromtle
storminatlree-bedroom,two-batlroom,two-story,cookie-
6 covvv :viov
cutterlouseintlesuburbanlellknownasWestDesMoines.
Tlat,astleysay,iswlentlerealfunbegan.Infact,totlisday,
peoplemerelyrefertotlefollowingseriesofeventsasTleNiglt.
Ilavefaintmemoriesfortlerstfewlours:slotsof)ager,
vomiting,jumpingonmovingcars,moreslotsof)ager,smoking
onacouclwlenIwasnotevensupposedtobesmokinginside,
evenmoreslotsof)ager . . .itisalwaystlenigltsyoucannot
remembertlateventuallybecometlestoriesyoudontforget.
Duringalullintleroaroftleinsanity,Imademyselfscarceto
catclmybreatl.
Ifoundmyselfintlegarage,smokingacigarette,freezingmy
assoff,andsittingonanunforgivingmetalfoldingclairintle
middle of a concrete void. I was coming around again, tle
proverbial second wind, wlicl was usually wlen I ended up
doingtlemostdamage.Tlelaloofliquorwasgivingwayto
tlelornsofingenuity,andIwasrevelingintlemoment,sober
enougltoappreciateitanddrunkenouglnottotakenotes.
LaterIlearnedtlatyoulavetolivein tlosemoments,notfor
tlem.Ifyoulooktoolard,tleyblowrigltbyyou.Ifyoudonot
liveenougl,youwillregreteverybreatl.SoIwasreecting,but
nottoomucl.Iwasjustgettingstarted.
Andasitturnsout,attlatexactmoment,tlestarterpistollap-
penedtowalktlrougltlegaragedoor.Fortlesakeofourstory,
wewillcalllerBetl.Slewasaery-eyed,raven-lairedmiscre-
antfrompartsunknown,pronetowearingblackanduttering
lerleavilysladowedeyelasles.Sleladapleromoneaboutler
tlatjustscreamedlust.Andweladbeenirtingforweeks.
Betlslidslowlytlrougltledoorandstoppedattletopof
tlestairsleadingintotlegarage.AsIlookedup,slesaidsome-
tlinglowandseductive.Beingsmootlertlanclocolatepud-
ding,Iredback,Hul:
Seven Deadly Sins 7
Isaid,wlatcladoin,silly:Hereyeswereburningwitla
crossbetweenmiscliefandinnovation.Sometlingwasonler
mind,andCodlelpmeIwantedtoknowwlatitwas.
Slecameandsatinmylapandkissedmeslowly.Itwastlen
tlatslerevealedlerplans:Iwastobetleluckywinnerofa
tlreesomewitllerandanotlergirlwlowewillcallKelly,
wlowasontleotlersideoftlesexualspectrumbutequally
enclanting.Asifoncue,Kellycameintlegarageandsaton
mylapaswell.Ilavegottotellyou,wlentwogirlsarestrad-
dlingyoulikeapommellorse,youaresubjecttotlewillofyour
crotcl.LustisalozengeIlivetosavorfordays.Butwewillget
backtotlatsoonertlanlater.
Soletsreview:Ourlerolasjustimbibedcopiousamounts
ofalcolol,tlrownup,andlasnowbeenpropositionedfora
tlreesomewitltwocomelyvixens.Tlingscouldnotlookbet-
ter,riglt:Well,asIlavebeenslowntimeandtimeagain,fate
latesusall.
Wesequesteredourselvestooneoftlebedrooms,mostlikely
tlelostsparentsroombasedontleSpartanlayoutandgarisl
dcor.Butitdidntmatterwlatitlookedlike,tleligltswere
soonoffandpeskyclotlessledinlaste.Moutlsfoundskin
tlosestickyfumblingstlatHannibalLecterdescribedwitl
sucl relisland soon tle tlree of us were a Clinese puzzle
witlnosolution,adelicioustriangleofleatandferocity.Tle
girlsweregigglingandmoaning.Iwaslappyfortlemtodo
wlattleywantedtoeaclotler,asI,too,wasextremelybusy.
As tlis was taking place, a coup was being plotted down-
stairs.Abumruslwasabouttolappen,tledenitionoftlat
plrase being a large group of people invading a space tley
werenotinvitedto,norlasenouglroomtolandletleirnum-
8 covvv :viov
bers.Fortypeoplewlisperedandgiggled,determinedtoinject
tlemselvesintoourfestivities,atjusttlerigltmoment.Itdid
notlelpmatterstlatmybestfriend,Denny,wasCobraCom-
manderbelindtlisendislscleme,butitmadesensebecause
lewastleguyIladappointedtowatcltledoorsonobody
wouldinterruptus.
Well,justastlreebodieswerelearningnewwaystooccupy
tlesamespace(andjustwlenitwasgettingvery,verygood),
tledoorburstopen,tleligltsewon,andamultitudeofcleers
andjeerssoundedtlegreatclorustlatociallyputanendto
oursweetlittletryst.Needlesstosay,Iwasveryangry,butsee-
ingtlegood-naturedmiscliefoneveryonesfaces,Islowlylet
tlatebbfrommymindand,climbingoutofbedbucknaked,
proceeded to tlrow my soiled yet unfullled condom at tle
closestgawker.
AsIwasputtingmyclotlesbackonandwatclingtlecrowd
gatleredattlefootoftlebedgettinglarger,Iladamagnicent
idea. Maybe it was tle booze coursing tlrougl my blood
stream.Maybeitwasmyeyesstillrecoveringfromtleslockof
tleligltsbeingturnedon.MaybeitwasbecauseIjustwanted
togivetlesefuckersatasteoftleirownmedicine.ButIladtle
ideainmylead,andnoonewasgoingtostopmefromdoing
wlatIwantedtodo.Itwassimple:Iwasgoingtostagediveoff
tlebedontotlebigpocketofonlookers,andtleywouldcrowd
surf me out tle door and down tle stairs to tle bar in tle
kitclen,wlereIwouldmakemyselfadrink.
Itborderedoningenious.Howcoulditnotwork:IwasCorey
Fucking Taylor,eventlen.So,pullingonmypants(Iwasatleast
tlatcourteous),Ileaptontotlebedandjumped . . .andew
leadonintoaceilingfantlatIladeitlerforgottenwasjust
Seven Deadly Sins 9
abovetlebedorjustdidnotseebecauseofdrunkentunnelvi-
sion.Isweartoyou,andtlisisnotforcomedicvalueortobelie
anyweaknessonmypart,tlisladtobetlestrongestceiling
fanknowntolumankind.Iamtalkingindustrialstrengtl,folks.
Itlitmetlreetimesintlespaceoftwoseconds:onceintle
forelead,oncerigltbetweenmyeyes,andtlelastbruisedtle
tipofmynose.Itgasledmyleadopenandgavemetwoblack
eyes.Imean,onesecondIwastlecoolestdudeattleconcert,
tlenextIwasonmybacktryingtogureoutwlattlefuckjust
lappened.ItwassofasttlatIdidnotevenknowituntilIreal-
izedsomeonewaslelpingme,inadaze,offtleoor.AndCod
lovemyfriends,tleynevertoldmelowfuckedupmyfacewas,
soImingledamongsttlemlookinglikeRockyBalboauntilI
caugltmyownreectioninabatlroommirroranlourlater.I
slouldlavejustcarriedaroundasigntlatsaid,TakeaPicture
witltlePartyZombie.
Itellyoutlisstorynottobragnortobuildupsomekindof
falseimageofmyself.Itisjustveryimportanttotliscollection
ofinsigltsandincitestlatyouunderstandrigltoutoftlegate
tlatwlenItalkaboutsin,I know what I am talking about.Tlis
isnonoviceyouaredealingwitl:Decadeslavenotwasledmy
lands clean yet. Tlink about tlis: In one nigltlell, in one
ve-lour periodI experienced every single one of tle so-
calledsevendeadlysins.Iwasamad-doglinebackerrunning
tlemoralgamutofgluttony,greed,lust,slotl,wratl,envy,and
vanity.Andtotlisday,Irecalltlisconfoundingclainofevents
witlfondnessandaknowingsmile.

Wliclbringsmetotlereasonbelindtlisbook,areasonIlave
embracedlikeasummerromance.Ilaveclearedmyscledule
10 covvv :viov
andmytlroattocallallofyourattentionstoafadinglittlefact
tlatnoonewantstoadmitbecausetleyaresomiredinlabit
andweirdguilt.Iknowyoucanlandletletrutl.Iknowyou
cantakeaslottotlebraingroin.Ibelieveinyou,sobelieveme
wlenItellyoutlis.
Tlesevendeadlysinsarebullshit.
Everybodystilllere:AnybodyconverttoScientologybecause
Iletytlatlittlenuggetofreality:No:Tlenwemaycontinue.
For centuries, tlese so-called weapons against morality
lavebeentlebigscarybannerswavedintlefacesofmillions.
TleylavebeenusedastleriglteousstpacksbytleRigltor
tle Holy Brigade to keep masses of normally free-tlinking,
free-spirited folks under a multitude of rebrand tlumbs.
Wlentleworldseemstobejumpingupanddownandcele-
bratingalittle toomucl,fun-latingfuckfacestrotouttlese
ColdenRulesofControltoknockusalloffoftleCiddyWagon.
Wly most of us cannot mind our own business I will never
know,butIdoknowtlis:Ninetimesoutoften,sinisamatter
ofopinion,andinmyopinionsinsareonlysinsifyouarelurt-
ingotlerpeople.So ifyouarenotlurtinganyoneelse,wlereis
tledamnsin:
Sure,tlesevendeadlysinscaninducepainandmalevolence
intlebestofus.Tleycanoverwlelmtlegreatestmindsand
tlemoststoicsouls.Buttleycanalsoempowerandinuence
youtodoincredibletlingsatpivotalmomentsinyourlife.To
saytlesetlingsaremortalweaponstlatbendusallintotle
worstscuminlumanityisanoutriglttravesty.Weallexperi-
encetlesefeelings.Weallstruggletomaintaincivilityinasav-
ageworld.Buttlerearetimeswlenitisourrigltaspeopleto
lettlesesinswasloveruslikeawarmCaribbeanwave.Tlere
aretimeswlenIsaywe,asaspecies,slouldjustoutandout
Seven Deadly Sins 11
revelintlesensationstlattlesesinspredicate.Weareluman
fuckingbeings,forClristssake:Wearenotperfect.Itisinour
peculiaritieswlerewendourclaracterandindividuality.Per-
sonally,IdonotknowifIcouldtrustapersonwlodoesnot
lavesomegritleftoverfromlisorlerpast.Wearedenedby
ourdignitytoriseabovedebasement,wearecertainlybetter
peoplefordoingso.
Tleysayletlewloiswitloutsincasttlerststone.Tlat
isexactlymypoint.Notonlyareweallguiltyofjustbeingour-
selves,wewereneverguiltyintlerstplace.Tleonlyproblem
comeswlenwebecomecaricaturesoftlesedeadlywlims,like
tle politician wlo extols family values yet is forced to resign
becauseofadirtylittlefuckfestwitlalookerinatruckstop
batlroom, or tle movie star wlo believes limself above tle
greatunwasledjustbecauseliscleekbonesarepronounced
andangular.Tlesepeoplearenot sinners:Tleyarejustslitty
people.
Iamnotsellingsalvationlere,butIampreaclingmodera-
tion.Someofyoumotlerfuckersareindeedcrazy.Ilaveno
qualmsonpointingouttleobvious.Sowlatifyouliketofuck:
Wlocaresifyouenjoyactuallylavingmoney,orlovetoeat,or
areimpassioned,oruseyourcovetousnaturetopuslyourself
tonewleiglts:Wlogivesaslitifallyouwanttodoonyour
onlydayoffislayinbedandfuckingsleep:Orifyoutlinkyou
aretlesexiestprickontleplanet:
Wlocares:Tlatisnoneofmybusiness.Itisyours.Ifyoucan
livewitlitandyouarenotlurtinganyoneelse,franklyIap-
plaudyou.Atleastyouarenottoutingsomedoomedpartyline
about tle expressway to leaven. Tle wlole reason for tlese
supposedsinsisreallyaboutcontrol.
12 covvv :viov
Tlink about tlis: A tlousand years ago, tle aristocracy
wrappedtlemselvesinsomuclexcesstlattleyslouldlave
burnedlereonEartl,butbecausetleywereroyalty,tleywere
consideredordainedbyCod.Tlerewerenoaccusationsofde-
pravityleveledattlem.Infact,tleonlytimetleywerecircum-
spectwaswlentleykilledoneoftleirown.Iftleyweregiven
atleocraticpassjustbecauseoftleirbirtlriglt,wlat,intlese
moderntimes,makesitanymoredifferentforus:Sure,onone
landtlatsortoflogicisagreatreectionofmedievaligno-
rance.AndyetitwouldmarktleverydenitionofAmericas
foundingprinciples:Weareallequal.Soonemanssinisan-
otlermansindulgence.Bluebloodsgluttlemselveseveryday
ontlewantsandneedsoftleuppercrust.Sowlentloseofus
intlemiddleorattlebottomdoit,wlyslouldweburnintle
louse of tle Clristian boogeyman: Wly slould we be con-
demnedforweekendindulgencestlatarejustanotlerMonday
fortleeclelonsofwealtl:
SoIsay,nomore.Notnow,notever.Isaycovettlegood
lifewitleveryber.Clerisltlespiritstlatmakeyoufeelusl
and alive. Laze tle days you are not devoted to keeping your
familyaoatnancially.Cetwlileyoucan,fortomorrowitmay
beagainsttlelaw.Tlrowcautiontotlewindandfreeyourself
ofsuperstitiousslackles.Believeifyouwant,butpracticewlat
you want. Tle days of fear are over and tlere is no turning
back.
Tlisbookisafewpartsiglt,alandfuloffancy,andalotof
wlytlereissuclatlingasfreedomoftlesoul.Wearevessels
ofprofounddeptlwlenwelaveaninklingaboutwlyweare
lere. So wly slould we be saddled witl inferred differences
wlenweallfeeltlesame:)ustbecausewethink sometlingdoes
notreallymakeitasin.)ustbecausewewant sometling,doing
sodoesnotmakeussinful.)ustbecausewefeel,itdoesnotmake
ussinners.Tlereisrealvitalityinlettingyourselfindulgein
wlatlifelastooffer.Quickenyourspiritandyoumigltjust
saveyoursoul.Okay,maybeIamofferingalintofsalvation
afterall.
Tlereis,ofcourse,alsonotlingwrongwitldeprivingyour-
selfofsins.Buttoomanypeopleputtlemselvesonapedestal
fordenyingtlemselvessimpletlings.Please,bepiousonyour
owntime:Wereallaliveinlere.
Maybewitltlisbook,youcanguresometlingsout.Most
likely,itwilljustlelpmeworkoutsomeseriousslitfrommy
ownlife.Imaybeafuck,butIamnotanabsolutefuck.Sure,I
lavedonesometlingsIamnotproudof,butIwouldnotcall
tlemsinsIwouldcalltlemmistakes.Youarenotallowedto
learnfromsinsbecausetleyareleldagainstyoufortlerestof
yourlife.Tlatis,unlessyouareCatlolic.Confessionisliketle
neprintinanairtigltcontract,andIamsuremostoftlefaitl-
fulenvyyou.
Mistakes:Well,lell,weallmakemistakes.Andwlatsmore,
weareexpectedtolearnfromtlem.Itispartofourjourney.It
islowwemovefrominnocencetoresoundingwisdom.Itislow
we keep from retaining a fucking babys psycle well into our
nineties.Itisloweveryonekeepsfromslittingtlemselvesin
publicandoneaclotler.Itisourever-learning,ever-adapting
CPSfortlistlingcalledlife.
Letmegiveyouanexample.Atoneoftleseveralmundane
jobsIlelddownbeforeIbecameTleArtistKnownasCorey
FuckingTaylor,Iladunbelievableaccesstoalltleresources
andwealtltlatwereleldtlereinandtookeveryopportunity
14 covvv :viov
toeecetlecoffersbyusingmypositionandmyknowledgeof
tleirsecuritysystemstodoso.Itwassoeasytostealfromtlis
placetlateventlemanagersweredoingit.SoIjoinedin,not
because I am inlerently wanton but because I was fucking
brokeandImadelesstlanjackslit.Now,Iladnotstolenany-
tlinginyears.Iladgonetlrouglmyslopliftingplasewlen
Iwastlirteen,anditwasrun-of-tle-millstufflikecandybars
andPlayboymagazines.Soitwasanovelsensationtoskimtills,
stealmerclandise,andlavesexinmyplaceofbusiness.Toput
itanotlerway,IbasicallybecametleCaligulaoftlegraveyard
slift.Iwasatotalscumbag:Istolemoremoneyinoneniglt
tlanIactuallymadeinoneweek.Iladorgiesintlebackrooms.
AndIwalkedawaywitltlousandsinretailproducts.Buttle
realreasonIdiditwasbecauseIcould.Istlatagoodreason:
Notatall.
Totlisday,itmakesmesicktotlinkaboutit.Itwasaperiod
inmylifetlatIlookbackoninslame.Itslouldnotlavemat-
teredifeveryonewasdoingitoriftlepeoplewloownedtle
storemigltlavedeserveditbecausetleywerecrookedasfuck,
keepinglundredsoftlousandsofdollarsofftlebookswlile
paying us serfs like newsies. I lave always been velemently
againsttleft,buttlereIwas,robbingpeopleblindandnotgiv-
ingaslitwlattleconsequenceswere.Itookadvantageofasys-
temIwasentrustedtomaintain,andIsquandereditonavarice
andgreed.Wlenitwasover,Ineverstoleanotlertlingagain.
Idonottakeprideintlatfact,Ijustknowmyboundariesand
tlatisoneIlavevowednevertocross.Butinretrospect,ifIlad
notgonetlatfarintlerstplace,wloistosayIwouldfeeltlat
waynow:IfIladnotdonetlesetlings,wloistosayIwould
beasindignantaboutittoday:Sotlemisguidedactsofmypast
lavebrougltmetotlevirtuesofmypresentandwilllopefully
leadmetotlegraceofmyfuture.ButIdonotconsidertlem
sins.Iconsidertlemmistakes,capriciousnessintlefaceof
youtlfulabandon.IfoundmymorallimitbecauseIcrossedmy
ownlineanddidnotfeelgoodaboutit.
Noonecanloldmeaccountable.Tlatisajobformycon-
scienceandmysoul.IamtleonlyjudgeofwlatIamcapable
of,becausewloreallyknowsmebutme:Wloreallyunder-
stands tle road I lave traveled if tley cant even nd it on a
map: Tle difference between knowing yourself and trusting
yourselfisminute,butitsrepercussionsareinnite.Nowalot
oftledevoutwillrefutetlatbysayingHe knowsyoubettertlan
youknowyourself.Yeal,tlatisgreatandall,butseeingasI
laveneverseenanyproofoflisexistencebesidestlenililistic
ramblingsofbillionsoffollowers,Iwilltakemyclanceswitl
myself,tlankyouverymucl.LikeIsaid,nobodyknowsmebet-
tertlanmyself,andIlearnfrommymistakes.
Canyouimaginelowboringlifewouldbewitlouttleseven
little spices: You talk about slotl, but wly would men and
womengetoutofbediftlerewerenolust:Wlywouldpeople
want to be in a band if tley couldnt feel tle rusl tlat rage
bringstotlemusicaltable:Wlywouldanyonewanttobea
bleedingleartwitloutevenalintofgreedintleirdirtylittle
soul:Wlywouldtleworldgoroundiftlerewerentafewrules
tobreak:Afewrevolutionstomake:Letsputittlisway:Wly
wouldyouwanttotakeadeepbreatlifyouwereexpectedto
loldtledamntling:
Sure,Iammakingacasefortledefendants,buttlenagain
mostpettysinsaresimplyexcusestobucktlesystemandfeel
alive.Wlylavefreewillifyoucannotputafewmilesonitrst:
16 covvv :viov
Itislikecomparingfeloniesandmisdemeanors:Stealingcandy
isnottlesameasmurder,andlustdoesnotalwaysmeanrape.
Itisimportanttoremembertlesedistinctionsbeforewegoany
furtler.Ifyoucant,youwillnevergetmylumorandyouwill
always tlink I look fat in tlis skirt. Damn, tleres my vanity
comingoutagain.
Ol,wloamIkidding:Icouldjustbelookingforanyexcuse
tobealeclerousmook.Tlatislalftlefun,riglt:Remember
wlenyouwereakidandyouwouldtryanyimprobableexcuse
togetoutoftrouble:Tlatcouldverymuclbetlecaselere.I
donotwanttobesaved,Ijustdonotwanttoburn.Imean,I
amacynic,butIamnotanidiot.Icouldbewayoffinmyas-
sumption tlat tlere are no pearly pentlouses in tle sky, no
vengefulangelswaitingtosmackmearoundwitltleirlalosto
slaketleexcessrustoffofmybones.WlatdoIknow:Ido
knowtlis:Iftlerearelooplolesintlelawstlisyearortlenext,
Iamjumpingtlrouglwitlbotlbootsbecauselifeisnotsup-
posedtobefuckingdull.Wearewalking,talking,breatlingrea-
sonsforbeatingtleodds,andIdonotbelieveafteralloftlat
weweremeanttospendtlismiraclemasteringtleartofknit-
ting.Unless,ofcourse,youreallylikeknitting.
Idoknowitdoesnottakeasinnertosin.Itdoesnottakea
DoubtingTlomastofeelguilty.Weareallcutfromtlesame
clotlandwealllaveboutsofinsanity.Butaretlesenotjusttle
rapturouswlimsofourenamoredskins:Idefyanyone,from
Candli to Callagler, to slow me tley are not susceptible to
pleasureonanylevel,wletleritisaclocolatebaroranorgyat
aswingersclub.Sinissoingrainedintoourculturetlatwe
areallcapable,andculpable.Ourveryuniverse,wlenitisnot
expandingtomakeroomforbetter,newerideas,tlrivesontlat
wliclwecannotorslouldnotlave.Soifyoucanaffordtle
downpayment,wlyslouldyounotexploitit:Ifyoustilllave
tlestamina,wlyslouldyounotattainit:
TleHavesandtleHave-Notslavebeendoingbloodybattle
foraeons.Tleclasssystemlasbeenapartofourlivessincetle
daywestartedwaslingourloinclotls.Istlatnotapartoftlis
wloletlingaswell:Ifyouarealittlebetteroff,youcanturn
yournoseupattlemassesandsaytleyarewleretleyarebe-
causetleydidnttrylardenougl,tlattlesinoftlepooris
slotlandenvybecausetleylongforwlatwelaveandarenot
willingtosacricefortlebountytlatlifecanprovide.Ifyou
areontleotlersideoftletracks,youcanballyourstsupand
saytlattlebourgeoisiewerelandedtleirwealtl,tlattleyare
sinnersoneverylevelgreed,gluttony,lust,vanityacrosstle
board.
Moralsandsuperstitionlavecontrolledtlebestofusforcen-
turies.Tleylavealsoallowedintelligentmindstogivecredit
todeitiestlatmayormaynotexistforlumanadvancesand
victoriesformucllongertlanIlavebeenalive.Sotledarkside
oftleluckypennybecomestleliddenagendasoftleegocen-
tric.Sure,youwillcurecancerintlenameofCodswill,butif
you want to be a decadent pig, you are on your own. Wly
slould you not fuck for Cod: Wly slould you not attack a
Vegasbuffetfor)eloval:Doublestandardsaretoofrequent,
andnooneismakingacasefortledefense.
Besides,wlereistlefuninbeingazealot:Takingyourself
tooseriouslygetsyouseriouslyfuckedup.Zealotsaretlerst
topointngersandtlelasttotakeresponsibility.Tleywilllead
fromtlerearandsurvivebyrunningawayjustsotleycanin-
fectsomeotlergroupwlodonotknowanybetter.Iwanttobe
18 covvv :viov
veryclear:IlavenoideawlatIamgoingtosaynext.Mypoint
istomakepeopletlinksotleywillnotblindlyagreewitlevery-
tlingIsay.Tledifferencebetweenaplilosoplerandafanatic
isaboutastlinastleprotmarginatacasino,butattleend
oftledayitisveryclear.Aplilosoplertlinksoutloudtomake
tlingsbetterforeveryoneelse.Fanaticsmaketlemselveslouder
becausetleytlinktleyarebettertlaneveryoneelse.
AllIamsayingistlattlerelavetobecloices.Youliveonce,
for all we know. You are given tlis gift of esl and sentient
tlouglt, and you want to lole up in a cave your wlole life:
Wlataboutadventure:Wlataboutexcitement:Wlatabout
rewritingtlerulebooktoconcurwitlasocietytlatdoesntbe-
lieveinfairytales:TleconstitutionoftleUnitedStatesisoc-
casionallyamendedtoreecttlemoodoftlepeople,butitis
stauncllydefendedaswell.Sowlynotlookattlefacts,nottle
fables:Tlesevendeadlysinsbeinggreed,gluttony,lust,pride,
wratl,envy,andslotlslouldbeclangedtotleseven petty
sins.TleyareoutdatedandlardlydeadlybarelyPC-13intlis
decade.Wlataboutmurder:Wlatabouttleft,embezzlement,
andPonzisclemes:Youdonotlavetostealtobegreedy,but
youdonotlavetobegreedytosteal.Tlatmayseemredundant,
buttakeasecondandtlinkaboutit.Itwillmakeasensetoo
terribletoletgo.
Tletimelascomeforaspiritualresluing,akindofeso-
tericgameofbingo.Wecanmakeaworldbasedoncommon
senseifwereallywantedto,butwedonot.Tlatisasininand
ofitself:Welavetleintelligenceandwlerewitlaltobuilda
bettermousetrap,butweareallverylappytoruntlegameby
tleoldrules.Wlenpunislmentgetsgoodtoyou,tletimemay
beoverduetoreevaluatetleallegianceyouplaceinyourguides.
TlatslikeendingupaddictedtoBenCaybecauseyouareused
tobeingonyourknees.
Makeminelife.Iwouldratlerseepeopleenjoyingtlemselves
tlantlefewcontrollingtlemany.Tlestatusquolasalways
beentoignoreandpraytlattlingsjustnaturallyworkout.I
wouldratlerseemygenerationrealizeitsownpotentialtlan
seeitslowlywarpitselfintledesignoftleonetlatpreceded
it.Mostwouldratlerlaveyoutoetlepartylinetlantlinkout-
sidetlebox.Somuclforself-sucientconcepts:Satisfaction
slouldalwayscomeatacost,buttlepayoffslouldmanifestal-
mostinstantaneously.
ButIlavelope.Andattleendofitall,tlatiswlattlisbook
isallabout.Hopetlatpeoplecanstoploldingtlemselvesback
evensligltlyandstartrealizingpotentialtleyneverdreamed
existed.Hopetlatpeoplecanstopcarryingtlebricksofguilt
andself-disgustandusetlemtobuildafoundationontleirown
morals,notsomeoneelsesexpectations.Tlestrongfromtle
pastalwaysplanttleseedsoftlefuture.Welavegreatreserves
ofgoodinus,andIlaveseentlemrstland.Ancientbylaws
andtomfoolerylavewarpedtlewaytowardalifetlatmakes
moresenseandlessenemies.Iwanttlisbooktomakeyoude-
cidewletlerornotyoursupposedsinsareevenwortllolding
ontoratlertlanjustusingtlemasexcusestoappearkindwlen
someoneimportantiswatcling.
Tlisbookisalsoabouttlefunyoucanlavewlenyoustop
loldingyourselfback.Itisalookatalifetlatcouldlavegone
lorribly wrong, and yet witl tle riglt lead on its tattooed
sloulders, it took tle riglt way toward a better wayknow
wlatImsaying:Icouldlavebecomesometlingtodespise.In-
stead,Ifoundawaytobemoretlananyoneexpected,andIdid
20 covvv :viov
itonmyterms.ButIladsomeseriousfunalongtlewaybe-
causeIneverlimitedmyself.Never.Iliveattlespeedofmy
mind,andIlovewitltlestrengtlofmyleart.Iamlappier
tlanIlaveeverbeen.ButonlybecauseIknowwlereIlave
been.
Youcanpusltleboundariesasfarasyouwantifyouknow
wleretlestatelineis.Wesometimesforgettlattimeisonour
sidenotblockingfortleotlerteam.Ilavenotlingagainst
Cod,butitisnotbecauseIamabeliever.ItismainlybecauseI
lave never met lim, and based on lis track record, I do not
needto.
IfCoddoesexist,andIamnotsayingledoes,butifledoes,
leislikeafootballteamwitla.500record.Sometimeslegets
itrigltandsometimesledoesnt.Ilavetobelonest:EvenMs.
Cleoladbetterstatstlantlatandsleladlerowncommercial.
Beforeyousaysure,ledoes,tlefuckingcrystalcrossonedoes
notcount.PuttingtleLordsPrayerinsideitlikesomeloly-
moleyViewMasterisnotcool,itisjustplaincreepy.Tloseare
tle same people wlo sell you movable smokeless replaces
madebytleAmisl.Yeal,likewebelievetlatconforared-lot
minute.
Tlisistlerststeptowardlettinggoofmytlologicalrules
andgrabbingontooneanotler,lumanbeingtofuckingluman
being,HandsAcrossAmericastyletoreacltlenextdamnstep
in evolution. I say we slould leave belind our tiny gods and
tleirbaselinesfortleirexpectations.Isaywedropourold
bagsintlegarbageandbuynewslitattleairport.Weslould
beescapingtleplasticpubisoftledeitieswecreateandseeking
newemploytlrouglametaplysicalCraigsListsearcl.Stop
tlepresses:Eartljustrealizeditcoulddowlatitwants.Letme
askyou:IfyouwereCodandyoucouldlaveanddoanytling
witljustatlouglt,wlywouldyoulangontotlisexperimental
antfarmanylongertlanittakestoturnyourleadtobuildan-
otlerone:Wearenotpuppetsofpapists.Wearenotextrasin
)elovalsstudentfuckinglm.Wearearaceofpeopletryingto
ndanswers,andtome,religioniskindoflikelastyearstext-
books:outofdatewitltoomanynotesintlemarginsfromtle
lastfuckingguy.
Maybepeoplewillgureitout.Tlenagain,maybenot.As
muclasitisinournaturetoglt,itisalsoinournaturetofol-
lowtlepersoninfrontofus.Honestly,tlatisnotanadmon-
islment.Tlatisjustus.Wetlepeoplearewetlewilling,but
tlereisjustenouglpissandvinegarinoursoulstoslueoff
tlebaggageoftlismortalcoilandgettoenligltenment.And
tlesevendeadlysinsslouldbeamongtlersttogo.
Soopenupyourmindsandreadon.Keepinmindtlestate
oflifeandgoforward.IfIampreparedfortlerepercussions,
tlenyouslouldbepreparedformytinylittlereprimands.Itis
yourlife,nottleirs.Forgettlebuzzwordsandtlebullslitissues
andthink foryourfuckingselves.Wlentlebooksopenup,we
slouldbetlrowingwrenclesintleplotforbetterdaysandbet-
terways.Wlentlatlappens,wewillbestudentsagain,ready
topassourtestswitlyingcolors.Mycredoistreateveryone
likeitistleirbirtlday,butlandletlemasiftleycouldtlrow
upontlecakeatanymoment.Intleend,tlisisnotanerafor
sittingonafence.Tlisisaneratoteartlatfuckingfencedown.
Makeyourmarkandndyourself,justdonotforgettoleave
tlosecinderblockscalledsinsbelind.
Tle great tling about believing is tlat tle door goes botl
ways.Youcandowlatyouwant.Ijustwantyoutowantwlat
22 covvv :viov
lasalwaysbeenyourstolave.Tlewayisneverslutiftleliglt
youseekisbrigltenougl.Ifyouarefeelingalittledark,youcan
alwaysclangetlebulb.Neverlettlelimitsofyourunderstand-
ingdictatelowfaryoucango.Wecanbebetter.
Wecanjustbe.Trustmeitisassimpleastlat.
2
Wr at h of t he Con
Okay, before we go any furtler, lets just get sometling
straigltrigltnow.IknowIamopeningmyselfupforbittercross-
examinationlere,butfranklyIlaveladit.Itisasimplefact.I
knowitandyouknowit.Deepdown,intlesameweirdwaiting
roomofyoursoulwlereweallagreeRoseanneBarrwasnever
funny,youknowtlistobetrue.Becausenobodyiswillingtocome
outandsayit,Iwillbetlemotlerfuckerandmakeitocial.
Movietleaternaclosarenotrealnaclos.
Tleyarenot.Movietleaternaclosarenotlingmoretlan
clipsanddip.Firstofall,youdonotputyourownnaclosto-
getler,andyoucertainlydonotputtlemtogetlerinagiantdark
roomwitlnotable.Second,realnaclosaremoretlanjustslitty
tortilla triangles witl a sealed Dixie cup full of spicy, runny
Velveeta,andIdontcarelowlongyoumicrowavetlattripe.
Realnaclosareanevent,agloriouscomminglingofmeats,
cleeses,peppers,clipotle,sourcream,guacamole,andcrispy
25
chapter
maizesaucersfortwoormorepeoplebentonabdominalde-
struction.Naclosslouldbeamountainousconagration,ama-
jesticTex-Mexexperienceinwlicleverybiteisdeliciousyet
notwobitestastetlesame.
Movietleaternaclosareafuckinglie.Tleyareapublictrav-
estytoalltlingsedible,amoraldistractionbrougltoninanat-
tempt to reslue a stagnant menu produced by an industry
pigeonloledbytleirownnarrowviewsofsnacktime.Itisnot
ourfaulttleirmostpopularitemsaretlesametlreewelave
ladforyearspopcorn,sodapop,andcandy.Buttleydiditto
tlemselves.Iftleyladstartedoutwitlawiderarrayoffood-
stuffs,wewouldnotevenbelavingtlisdamnconversation.But
Iwillnot letmybelovednaclosfallvictimtotlis.Iwillglt
witleverybreatltokeepmynaclospureanddisgustinglyelab-
orate.Everybreatl,motlerfuckers!
Cood,nowIampissed,soitistleperfecttimetotalkabout
wratl.
You know tle feeling. Darkness boxes your line of siglt on
eitler side. Your vision itself gets blurry, you can almost see
demonsintletrailsyoureyestraceacrosstleroom.Tlereis
biletlatseemsmorelikevenomtlansalivaintlebackofyour
moutl.Yourstsclenclandunclencluntiltlepalmsofyour
landstearopen,andbloodstartsasadjourneytotleendsof
yourngers,mappingouttleeventstlatledtotlisdebilitating
stateofmind.Psyclologically,youcansliftseveralways.You
canbecomeloudandabrasive,abusingfriendsandfamily,curs-
ing,regressingintellectually.Youcanalsoslipintoadeadlysi-
lence,tlecalmbeforetlestorm,suffocatingtleworldwitltle
quietknownonlybeforealllellbreaksloose.Onetlingwillal-
ways remain tle same: As passion goes, wratlor rageis
26 covvv :viov
nearlyindistinguislablefromloveinitsintensity,tletwoepic
endsoftlemaelstromtlatmakesusluman.
Sure,itlooksfancy.Itiseasytowaxpoeticabouttlissimple
emotionalmeclanism.Weallknowtlefeelingtoowell.Some
peoplecry,mostscreamtleirtlroatsbloody.Butitistrulytle
onesinonourlisttlatunitesus.Mostofuscancopeorsub-
dueourlusts,ourappetites,ourlackofdrive,ourselslsides,
ourtendenciestocovet,andsoon.
Butweallgetmad.
Admitit.
)ustfuckingadmitit.
We all get mad.
PersonallyIdonotseeanytlingwrongwitlit.
Torageistofeel,justlikeloveandlate.Buttlosetlingsare
notapartofourso-calledDeadlySeven.
AmIriglt,folks:
Tlereisanereasonwlyrageisnotasin.Wlenusedfor
ventingpurposes,itcanbesocatlartic.Itfeelsgoodtogetslit
offofyourclest,evenifitissomeoneelsesturdstuckintle
lairs.Wegripe,yell,complain,vent,rant,rave,retort,andex-
pungebecauseitfeelsreallygoodtodoso,andtlereisnota
damntlingbadaboutit.Itisawayforustoletoutabreatl,
cleartleair,andgetbacktowlattlisspeciesslouldbedoing
intlerstplace:dancingintlestreets,lappytobealive.
However,wratlisalsotleonesinontlelistwlosedark-
ness is immediately recognizable because it is a feeling tlat
canbereciprocatedinstantly.Inotlerwords,rageisverycon-
tagious.Allittakesistlatlittlepusl,tlatlittleextrabitofself-
isl violation. It can pierce tle very time in wlicl you are
witnessingandbringonasadnesstlatcanlingerforalifetime.
Fortunately, a strong mind would blame tle person, not tle
rage.
Unfortunately,Ilaveseentledamagerstland.

Iwaselevenwlentleseexperiencesbecameapartofmylife,
andaftertlis,innocencebecameverylardtocomeby.Iladto
growupquick,andIdidnotdoaverygoodjob.Itisamazing
andsadwlatwelavetodotosurvivesometimes.Everysource
ofprotectioncamecraslingdownwlenIsawtleuglysideof
lumanity.
MysisterandIwerestayingattlelouseofafriendofmy
motlersafterabarbecueoneniglt.Wewereonlyafewmiles
awayfromlome.Ibelieveeveryonestayedbecauseeveryonewe
cametlerewitlwasloadedanddidnotwanttodrivedrunkto
getlomeorsotleycouldgetliglintlemorningandcatcla
freeonebeforelavingtocrawlbacktotleresponsibilitiesof
reallife.Wlatacrock.Tlerewasnoslieldingmeandmysister.
Foryearswewereexposedtoeverysourceoflateandangerpos-
sible.Wlatlappenstoyouwleneverytlinglappenstoyou:
Wewerestayingintlelivingroom.Iladonecouclandmy
sister lad tle otler. Tle louse wlere we were staying was
rented by some people I will refer to as Tom and Clristine,
mainlybecauseIlaveworkedverylardtoforgettleirnames.
TleywerewlatIwouldcallprofessionaladolescentsbecause
tleywereintleirtlirtiesbutstillactedliketleyweresixteen.
Watclingdelinquentsplaylouseisalotlikewatclingmonkeys
play poker: )ust wlen it seems like tley know wlat tleyre
doing,tleyslitonotlerpeople.
Tomwasoutofwork,butforallintentsandpurposeslewas
tlemosttogetleroftletwo.Hewouldactuallylangoutwitl
tlekids,makeluncl,andtakecareofus.Clristinewasjusta
28 covvv :viov
plainfuckingdrunkendrugaddict.Slewasaloleformento
llupbecausesletlougltitmeanttleycaredaboutler.Sle
ladtlreekidsfromtlreedifferentguys,allofwlomTomtook
careofkudosfortlat.Slewasasecond-landwomanintlird-
landclotlingobnoxious,loud,andignorant.Sledidnotgive
aslitaboutanytling,anditcertainlyslowed.HowTomcould
livewitllerIwillneverunderstand.Butledidnotlivewitller
forlong.
Tlatnigltaftertlebarbecue,Clristineladbailedtogoto
anotlerparty.Sledidnoteventalktoanyoneaboutitjustup
andleftlerkidstogondmorealcololandbullslit.Ibelieve
mymomwentwitllerbecauseIdonotrememberwleresle
slepttlatniglt.WlatIdorememberiswatclingTomgetan-
grierandangrierastlelourswentbyandClristinestillwas
notlome.Heputlerkidstobed.Slewasstillano-slow.He
satdowntowatclTVwitlmeandmysister.Notling.Some-
timeaftertlat,wefellasleepontlecoucles.Tompassedout
intleeasyclair.Nobodyladcomelomeyet.
Iwokeuptotlesoundofsomeonepoundingontledoor,
screamingloudly.)ustasIcuriouslyraisedmylead,itbecame
veryobvioustlattlepoundingwasinfactkicking.Someone
waskickingtledoorinbecausetledeadboltwasengaged.
Italllappenedinslowmotion:Tomwasjumpingoutoftle
recliner,tledoorwascraslingopen,andClristinewasstand-
ingontlefrontstepswitlaforty-ounceBudinlerland.
TlenTompuncledlerintleface.
Clristineewbackwardintotleyard,toodrunktodefend
lerself.SlewasyellingforlelpandcallingTomeverynamein
tlebookattlesametime.Tomleardnotlingbuttlesilencetlat
ladlleduptlemanylourssleladbeengone,leavinglimwitl
alousefullofclildrenwlowerenotlisownsotlesebroken
people could go ll tleir personal voids witl tle parties tlat
slouldlaveendedinliglsclool.Alllecouldfeelwaslisfeet
kickinglerintleback.Tlenlewasontopoflerclokingler.
In tle distance I leard an unfamiliar voice warning tle two
bloody lovers tlat tley lad called tle cops, but Tom did not
carealllecouldfeelwastlepainofneglect,ofbeingtakenad-
vantageof,ofbeingadisposableaftertlougltincomparisonto
liswantsandneeds.Alllecoulddowasgiveintotleragetlat
waswellingupandventingfromlimlikearenegadesteamen-
gine,readytoblowifsomeoneladnotlittlepressurevalvein
time.Hewasabombwitltwosts,Vesuviuswitlapulse.He
wantedtodestroy.
Iwatcleditall,includingtleinevitableaftermatl:Clristine
runningawayandTomclasingafterler,leavingalltlekidsby
tlemselves.Isatupandwaitedwitltleyoungerones.Tlecops
slowedup,landsontleirguns.Mysisterstartedscreaming,
wliclsetofftleotlerkids.Itoldtlepolicetleyladedinto
tlenigltandafewoftlemranintleapproximatedirection.
Sometimelater,Tomwasledbackinlandcuffs.Clristinewas
screamingfromtlecopcar.Anocerwasaskingmeformy
plonenumber.
Mymomsroommatesboyfriendcameandpickedusupand
tookuslome.Tlesunwascomingup.Mysisterwasquietfor
severaldays.Weneversawtlosepeopleagain.
Rageisnotasin,butitcanbetletriggertlatmakesuscom-
mitsins.Tlerealproblemcomeswlenwebottleupemotion
andignoretlefacttlatweneedtoletourselvesbeangry.Bad
tlingslappenwlengoodpeoplepretendnotlingiswrong.I
amsureTomwasafairlydecentperson,justasIamcertaintlat
Clristinecaredaboutlerkids.Myjudgmentsarebasedontle
vaguememoriesfromaneleven-year-oldspointofview.Ire-
membertleemotionmoretlantlecircumstances.Buttlese
30 covvv :viov
tlings stuck witl me because slit like tlat lappened all tle
time. My sister and I were not protected from raw late and
powerfulanger.Itslowedmetlat,witltlerigltpusl,andtle
rigltpressure,anyonecouldbelurtatanytime.Tlatinturn
made me angry, made me late tle world, made me distrust
everyone.Itwasnotfair,Islouldnotlaveladtogrowuplike
tlat.Iturneditintomusic.Mostpeopleturnitintocrime.
Buttlenagain,Istillmaintaintlatrageisnotasin.Wlen
properlyexpressed,angercanbebenecial.Someoftlebestart
intleworldisangry,jolting,andabrasive.Moderationalways
practicemoderation.Youcannotplaceblameontlesinforone
simplereason:Ifyoublameone,youmustblameall.Iftlatis
tlecase,tlenweareallguilty.Tlepeoplewlowatcledanddid
notlingareguilty.Tleoneswlolaugledandtlougltitwas
funnyareguilty.Tleoneswlosufferedinsteadofsayingsome-
tlingareguilty.Imagineafamilytreeofnotlingmoretlantle
namesoftlepeopleinvolvedandyouwillgettleidea.
Tleipsidetotlisrustycoinistlatragecanmakeusdo
funnytlings.Haveyoueverbeensomadyoucouldnotsayany-
tling:Haveyoueverbeensomadtlatyoujustblurtouttle
mostludicrousslitknowntoman:Itisabaseidiocytlatcan
beasinfectiousastleveryangeritself.Trytalkingtosomeone
wlenyouarepissedoffwordsescapeyouandeverytlingjust
getslouderandlouder,totlepointwlenyouareusingmono-
syllabicwordsandbeltingattletopofyourlungs.Yousound
likeanauctioneerwitlTourettessyndrome.
Toanoutsideobserver,tletelltalesignsofsomeonegetting
angrycanbelilariousaswell.Tleirfacemigltgetred,tlenpur-
ple.Tleymigltstartsmilingorlauglingwliletleyslaketleir
leads.Tleirlipsmigltpurseandtleireyeswillgetallsquinty
liketleyareclannelingClintEastwoodorStevenSeagal.Watcl
tleirlandstleycouldeitlerstartsqueezingorsweating,de-
pendingontleirmentality.Teetlmigltactuallygrindiftleir
moutls dont go slack from incredulous slock. All of tlese
tlingsareincrediblyfuckingfunnytome,andIndmyselfgig-
glingwlenpeopleareincensed.Tlat,inturn,exacerbatestle
situation.Icannotlelpit.Itisawesome.Tlenagain,itdrives
menutswlenpeopledoittome,andIbecomeuncontrollable.
Ilavetowalkawaytokeepfromringoff.
Sinsaretleunwasledmarksonyourspiritualrecord.Solow
isitsometlingweallfeelalmosteverydayiscountedagainst
you:Igetitragecansendsomeonedownadisturbingpatl
tlatcancontributetoactionsofquestionablepurity.Butgetting
pissedslouldntmeangettingburned.Tobemadistoreactto
amomentbeyondyourcontrol.Reactingtosometlingyoucan-
notcontrolislifeinanutslell.Howtlefuckistlatasin:
Let me clue you in on a real sin, actually it is more like a
slame,orasadfact.Aroundtle1990s,itbecamealltlerage
tostartscreaming inleavymetalmusic.Notlingwrongtlere:
I was one of tle progenitors of tlat wlole movement, and I
screamedmydarklittleleartouteveryniglt.Buttlen,some-
tlingtrulyfuckedlappened.Peoplestartedmistakingscream-
ing for genuine emotion, rage became synonymous witl all
feelings,likeallyouladtodotoappearpassionatewasscream
inametalband.Olleissoemotional . . .)udasfuckingPriest,
are you kidding me: )azz singers get on stage and bear tleir
soulseveryniglt,andnobodygivesaslit.Fuckbucket,tlelead
singerfortlebandLandFill(witlalogotlatiscompletelyil-
legible,illogical,andlackneyed,justliketlemusic)barkstle
vocalequivalentofvomitintoanSM57witllealtlydosesof
fuckanddadandpeoplecalllimtlenext)imMorrison.
32 covvv :viov
Itisnottleemotionyouareexperiencingbuttleexperience
youareengaging.Youcannotbedenedbytlefeelingifnoone
knows wlat you are feeling, so it is tle reaction tlat is tle
quote-unquotesin.WlyistleClurclsoscaredofpeoplefeel-
inganytling:Ilaveatleory.Itlinkitisbecauseorganizedre-
ligionmakessuclanefforttocontrolwlatpeopledotlatit
makessensetocontrollowpeoplefeel,rageinparticularbe-
causeitisanaturalreactiontoanyoneoranytlingcontrolling
tleirlives.Solowdoyougetpeopletostopgettingmadwlen
youtelltlemwlattodoandlowtotlink:Telltlemitsasin.
Tlatiswlatscalledaself-realizingplilosoply.Itisalsovirtu-
allyimpenetrabletlefurtleryougetawayfromtleactualin-
ception.InMartinLutlersday,youmigltlavebeenableto
reverse sometling so manipulative. Today, witl lundreds of
yearsofdogmaandsuccessfulbrainwaslingundertleirbelt,
youcanpoundyourstagainsttlewallsofblindacceptanceall
you want. All you will end up witl are bloody knuckles and
modernfrustration.
Yeal,ifyoucouldnottell,Ilaveabigproblemwitlreligions.
Organizedreligionlasbeentleblueprintformoremissteps
tlananytlingIlaveeverseeninmylife.TletlingIrealized
earlyonistlatforanorganizationtlatpreaclestlebenetsof
loveandcallsangerasin,tleycertainlybreedaveryopinion-
ated and angry group of people, dont tley: As I lave said,
lypocrisyisoneoftlebiggestsinsintleworld.Tleeffectof
lypocrisyistlatpeoplearetoldtobeoneway,wliletleriglt-
eouscandowlattleyplease.
Tlesepeoplecansincerelygofucktlemselves.
Mucllikelust,tleonlyotlersintlatcanbemisconstrued
asanemotion,tleresastigmaattacledtoragetlatlasbeen
dogpiledbyyearsofmisrepresentationandfear.Wlenaperson
getsmad,peopleareconditionedtotlinktlatpersonisimme-
diatelygoingtodosometlingterrible.Someoftliscanbeat-
tributed to wlat tley call tle caveman gene, but a lot of it
comes down to propaganda. If I get angry, a majority of tle
peoplewillautomaticallytlinkIamgoingtokillsomeoneor
beatmykidsorrapealorseorsometlingelseequallyinsipid.
Wlatistlebiggersin:tleangerortlemudslingingabouttle
anger:
Angerisasinwlenparentsbeattleirkids.Tlerealsinneris
tlemurdererwlomanglesavictimsobadlysleisleftunrecog-
nizableortleteaclerwloignorestlefacttlatleissupposed
to actually teacl because le allows lis own negative feelings
aboutclildrentogetintlewayortlewifewlocleatsonler
lusbandbecauseledidnotbuylerabigenougldiamondfor
lerbirtlday.Tlewleelsontlebusmaygoroundandround,
buttlatbusmigltrunyouoveriftledrivergetsred.
Tlerearesomanylevelstoangerandsomanywaystouseit
innobleways.Butragecarriestlescarsofcenturieslledwitl
uncleckeddegradation.Angerisapowerfulweaponintleglt
forlumanity.Somewouldratlerleavelumanityalone,wlicl
begs tle question: Wlicl is tle bigger sin, rage or fear: Tle
adagegoeseviltriumplswlengoodmendoingnotling.Wly
wouldagoodmandonotlingtolelptleworld:Isitabetter
tlingtofeartleunknownortouseriglteousretogltit:
Hereisanoddposit:Wlatisbravery,really,buttlepotent
combinationofrageandfear:Wlatisvalorbutbeingsoangry
andscaredyoudotleuntlinkable:Yousee,angerpermeates
society,wlentlenicetiesgiveway,wearealljustoneglt-or-
igltawayfromeatingeaclotler.Canwegetalongwitlangry
people:Ofcoursewecanwedoiteveryday.Canwegetalong
34 covvv :viov
witloutbeingangry:Absolutelynot.ItisnotinourDNAto
coexistpeaceably.Wecanplaynice,butwewillneverbefully
cooledoffenougl.Solowcanwekeeptlisintledeadlysin
pile:Forgetwlattleidealistsandtlelippiessay,rageislere
tostay.
Tlis is fairly personal for me because I lave always been
angry. I tlink I gave up being cleery and gleeful wlen I was
nine.Assoonasmyworldturnedupsidedown,itwasoverfor
me.SoIsufferedtlrouglpoverty,lumiliation,molestation,and
abuse for most of my teens. And witl every taunt, my anger
grew.Witleverystrike,mymindracedtowardajudgmentday
tlatwouldlavemyaggressionpouringtlrougleverystreetin
everycountryallovertleworld.Iwantedkarmatodrivestakes
intotledarkleartstlatkeptmebittermostofmyadultlife.I
rememberitall:Irememberleavingscloolcoveredinfoodbe-
causealltlebulliestlrewtleirtraysatme.Iremembermem-
orizingalloftlesaferouteslomebecausecountlessprickswitl
notlingbettertodomigltjumpmeatanymoment.Iremem-
bertleprankcallsandtletoiletpaperinmytreesandtlefeel-
ingtlatIwouldnevereverbesafe.Irememberwantingtocry
everymorningbeforeIleftforsclool.Iremembertleslame
and tle bruises. I remember coming lome to a louse tlat
wasntsafeeitler.
NowIrememberalloftleirnames.
I know wlat tley do and wlat tleir lives are like: lorrible
lolesofignoranceandbanalitymorningnoonandniglt.And
becauseIamstillangryandalwayswillbeItlinkoflow
tloseknuckle-draggingmoutlbreatlersendedup.
AndIsmile.
Imayneverletgoofmywratl,myanger,butIwillalways
lavetlelastlaugl.
Istlatbad:TleCermanscalledtlatfeelingschadenfreude,
wliclmeanspleasurederivedfromsomeoneelsesfailure.Is
it wrong to be ecstatic because tle fucking bullies from my
clildloodturnedintobiggerpiecesofslittlanIevercould
laveimagined,andtleyareounderinginlivestlatIwould
notwipemyasswitl:
Iguesstosomepeople,itwouldbe.DoItlinkso:Fuckno.
Isitasin:Ofcoursenot.
It is damn near tle denition of being luman to be lappy
wlenyourenemieseatabiggerlelpingoflifesslittlanyour
ownportion.Howelsecanwegettlrougldaystlatarequite
clearlytleworstwelaveeverexperienced:Tlerewillalways
be a yardstick for our aclievements, and it will never be tall
enougl.Andwewillalwaysbeangryaboutit.
Butcanweletgooftlebitterness:
Tlatistleterribleandguiltytastetlatangerleavesinyour
moutlwlenyoulavenallyvented,andeventlouglyoumay
lavefelttlereciprocity,tlebitternesslingers.YouseeIlavebeen
abletomoveon.Ilavebeenabletorelease,totaptlevalveof
latredandturnitintosometlingpositive.Buttlebitternesscir-
clesaroundmelikecigarettesmoke.Maybeitwillnevergoaway.
Itisokaytlouglittakesajourneytoknowwlereyouare.
Lets talk about sometling awesome, like mindless wisl
killing.
Nowbeforeyougetallweirdandbeatnikonme,tlisisalar-
vestedpracticetlatlasgoneonforyears.Everyonelasangrily
wisleddeatlontotalstrangersatleastalundredtimesintleir
lives.Tlinkaboutit:tlepersondrivinginfrontofyouwlois
eitlerlookingforanaddressorseverelymedicated.Tlepeople
attleairportwlolavealltletimeintleworldswervinglan-
guidly,interruptingtleowofpedestriantrac.Tlemorons
36 covvv :viov
wlololduptlelineatMcDonalds,spendingtwenty-vemin-
utesummmm-ingforsometlingtlatisonamenuoldertlan
mostpeoplereadingtlisbookuntiltleyinevitablyordertle
same#2witlaCoketleyalwaysfuckingorder.Mallwalkers,
dogwalkers,speedwalkers,slowwalkerstlesepeopleareso
frustrating tley make us all want to clew and ingest stained
glassuntilwepassoutfrominternalbleeding.Impatiencecan
breedfatalfury,inwliclcasewewisltlemostdastardlyand
fuckedupdemisesontloseeatinguptoomuclofourprecious
fuckingtime.
CodknowsIlave.
Andifyousayyouaretoomaturefortlat,youareeitlera
liar or in denial. We lave all )ack tle Ripper-ed our way
tlrouglacrowdofpeoplebefore,albeitinourprofoundlittle
imaginations.Itistlatself slitagain,tleattitudeinwlicl
tleonlyonewloexiststodayisme.
Tlatisallneandfancy,buttakeitfromme:Tlereisnotling
worsetlanpassive-aggressiveanger.Iamjustasbigacynicas
tlenextguy,butwlenaclosefriendsbitternessmanifestsitself
inslittysmart-asscommentstlatknocktletwinkleoffofyour
twiliglt,tlenslitlasgottostop.Iamtlerstmotlerfucker
inlinetoadmitIlavebeenextremelyluckyinmylife.Iamfor-
tunatetolaveacareer,myfamily,eventleopportunitytowrite
tlisbook.ButwlenpeopleIlaveknownfordecadescomeat
me witl tlis remember wlere you came from nonsense, it
drivesmestraigltupHomicidalAvenue.Itisevenworsewlen
peopleopenlyrefusetorecognizewlatyoulaveaclievedinlife
andinsteadtreatyoulikeyouarestillinsecondgradeanditis
yourFridaytosplittlemilkmoney.
Crabsomepenandpaper,clildren,lereisanotlerfreeles-
son.Tlebestfriendsyouwilleverlavearetleoneswlodonot
make you feel like you owe tlem a damn tling. Some of my
friendslaveatendencytoinserttlemselvesinplacestleydid
notearntleriglttobe.Wlattlefuckdoyoudotlere:Ifyou
callfoulontleplay,somelowyouaretleasslole,andtlatis
veyearsinasmallcity.Ifyoudonot,itisyourowndamnfault
andyouwallowinitalone.Seetleconundrum:Itisevenbetter
wlenyourfamilytagteamsyoutlankyou,Clristmas.You
areociallytleworsttlingever.IblameCoca-Cola:goddamn
jollyoldSt.LickMyStaff,sittinginjudgmentonlarmlessfuck-
ingtoddlerswitltleiracolytetrollsyoucancalltlemelvesif
youwant,Iknowtletrutlanditistlesamesliteveryyear.
Wislinoneland,slitintleotler:DonotgetmewrongI
lovetiesliketlenextguy.ButIdrawtlelineatsingingties.
Horseslit,wloeverinventedtlesingingtieslouldbelinedup
andbeatenwitleveryfuckingsingingpieceofslittleyarere-
sponsibleforbringingintoaworldtlatdidnotaskfortlem.
And do not even get me fucking started on Pete Rose. Cod
damnCincinnatiRedsIgetit,oneguycanmaketleHallof
Famebecauseleladlugelands,butolPeteymakesacouple
bets and le gets fucked. Do not even pretend tlat tle otler
playersareangelictleyareallfuckingcrooked.
Wlere in Trutl or Consequences, New Mexico, did tlat
comefrom:
Quitefrankly,tlatjustmademepee.Butonlyjustalittle.It
willbedrybytletimeIgetupfrommycounterspacewlereI
amallowedtowriteintlekitclen,givingmetimetolaveacig-
arette,clange,andbepiss-freebytletimemywiferealizesI
aminbed.Tlat,myfriends,istimemanagement.Itisalsotle
storyof)esus.Really.Mostpeoplewouldsavetleirmangersfor
lastwlenitcametocleaningtlem,sotlelastplaceoneartl
peoplewouldlookfortleMini-Himwouldbetlegarage,wlicl
38 covvv :viov
isallamangerisreally.Astableisjustagarageforyourlorses
andslit,or,moretotlepoint,tleirslit.Managerswillonly
renttloseroomsiftleyarestackedfortleniglt.
Tletlingaboutwratlisyoulavetoknowyourbuttonsand
wlolasgottleirgrimymittsontlem.Forinstance,Ilatedriv-
inginL.A.becauseIlitpeople.Idonotmeanlittlemintleir
cars.ImeanIlittleirbodieswitltlecarIlappentobedriv-
ing. Tlis is not my fault. Tle residents of Los Angeles plod
acrossstreetsandaroundcornersliketleyare(again)eitler
lookingforaddressesorwaitingtobetoucledbyactualangels.
YoucanblametlePedestrianRigltofWayLawinCalifornia.
Tlesefuckingidiotsjusttrotoutintotlemiddleoftlegod-
damnstreet,sotleyarebeggingtobeweededoutoftlefucking
genepool.Butbecauseoftlis,Ilaveociallylitforty-seven
peopleinalmostasmanycars.Dontworry,Iwillnotbear-
restedbecauseasaruleIwearafakemoustaclewlenIdrive
anywlere,inanycity.
ItseemsCalifornialascorneredtlemarketonbuffoonery.
Almosteveryonetlerelasalifetimecontractforretardation,
soitisnotmyfaultiftleyendupmaimedorlimpingfroma
collision witl a Clevy, know wlat I mean: Fuck tlemany
groupofpeopletlatsliny,tlatlandsome,andtlatstupidde-
servesafewwounds.Itbuildsclaracter,Ionlywislitmade
tlemalittlefuckingsmarter.
Youmaybesayingtoyourself,Doestlisguyevenlike otler
people:Tlat,mycreepyunseenfriends,isagreatquestion.I
lavenodoubtstlatsomewlereinmeIamactuallyquitefond
ofmygalactictravelingpantsbrotlersandsisterslitclingaride
on tlis semicircular celestial body we call lome. But for tle
mostpart,no,Idonotlikeyou.Tlisisnotmyfault.Itisyours.
Idomybesttogetalong.You keepfuckingitup.Andtlat,in
turn, pisses me off. So do you know wlat tlat means: Very
simple:Ifrageisasin,tlenIamstillnotguiltybecauseyouguys
make me inadvertently sin. You are all vicarious sin carriers,
spreadinggodlessnesslikecooties.Ragegetstleboltofliglt-
ningbecauseofyou.
Nal,justfuckingwitlyou,tlanksforbuyingmybook.

Besides,Itlougltragewasareaction.Rageisnotreallysome-
tlingyoupractice.Itisaby-productofadversestimuli.Tlis
clanges tle wlole study. I mean, wlo slould be blamed for
sometlingotlerpeoplebringoutofyou:Itlinktlepeoplewlo
elicittleresponseslouldbeartleweigltoftlesin,iftlere
everwasasinintlerstplace.Numbnutlumansbringouttle
worstineaclotlerandwalkawayscot-free.Tlatisafucking
truckloadofmonkeyslit.Ifyoumakesomeonefeelmad,you
gettlesin.Ifyoumakesomeonefeelgreedy,youdrawtletecl-
nicalfoulontlecourt.Tlisisjustcommonsense.Ifyouask
someonetokillsomeoneandtleygetcauglt,youcanstillbe
clargedrigltalongwitltleotlerperson.Sowlatistlefuck-
ingdifference:
Tlereasonpeopleareafraidofrageistleviolenceassociated
witlit.Violencemakespeoplenervousandnervouspeoplecut
uptlelandandstayontleirownside.LikeIsaid,everyonegets
mad, but not everyone reacts tle same way. Violence makes
peoplelesitanttodisplaytleirtruefeelings.Violencemakes
peopleinclatloudnoisesonsubways.Violencemakespeople
tlinktwicewlendealingwitlwloelse:otlerpeople.Itis
tlemainreasonweloldinourfrustrations.Itiswlywewaste
time and money telling our worries to impartial tlerapists.
Sometimes tle stagnation of fury builds a conagration of
40 covvv :viov
seetlingretaliation,bentonburningtleclurclesandsoiling
tleeldsofourcollectivesatisfaction.IknowIsoundlikesome
kindofmalevolentNipseyRussell,butIwatcltleworldwitl-
outpresumption,soIcansafelysaytlerotofourreactionwill
alwaysspoiltlefruitsofourcreation.Ifyoutreatasituationa
certainway,youwillgetaspecicresult.

AlongtimeagoIstillladfaitlinpeopledoingtleriglttling.
Unfortunately, reality always intruded on tlis nave notion.
WlenIwasnineteen,Ilandedmydreamjobofworkingina
musicstore.Itwasaclainoutlet,buttlatdidntmatter.Itwas
tlemusicalequivalentofworkingatWendys,butIwasunde-
terred.IcouldlistentomusicalldayandIgotasweetdiscount
onalltleCDsIwanted.ItwasagreatgigevenifIladtodress
nicely,wliclIlateddoing,butIdiditwitlrelislbecausefor
tlersttime,witltleexceptionofactuallyplayingmusic,Iwas
goodatsometling.Itmayseemstupid,buttlatmademefeel
normal, and even for me, normal is sorely needed once in a
wlile.
Tlerewasoneproblem.Iladlonglair.Tlatmaysoundex-
tremelyminimalconsideringtodaysstandardsandpractices,
butevenaslittleasfteenyearsago,tlatwasstillaverybig
deal,particularlyintleMidwest.Iwasnotdyingit,Ididnot
lavedreadlocks,itwasnotacrazylairdo,Ijustladlonglair.
Wlatwaswrongwitltlat,riglt:Tleanswertotlatquestion
wasalot,apparently.Yousee,intlisclainoutletsregulations,
itstatedtlatamaleemployeeslaircouldnotbepasttlecollar.
Icouldgivetlree-ftlsofaredslitabouttlat,butIwasnot
told tlat or made aware of tlat wlen I was lired. So a few
montlsin,tleownersloweduptodoawalk-tlrougltosee
lowtlestorewasdoing.Witloutaclue,Iintroducedmyself.
Hetookonelookatme,tlenwitloutanotlerglanceleturned
tolisassistantandsaid,Heneedstocutlislairorlelasto
go.Mymanagerdidlisbesttodefendme,buttledamagewas
done.Tleyfuckingredme.
Areyoureadyfortlereallyfuckeduppart:
Acrosstown,atanotlerstoreoftlesameoutlet,tlerewasa
guywitllongerlairtlanme,andleladbeenworkingtlere
forsevenyears.Sevenfuckingyears.Tlemanagerattlatstore
keptlimliddenduringinspections.Iusedlimasanexample
forwlyIslouldbeallowedtokeepmyjob,butnobodywanted
torocktleboatandsayanytling.Iwasred,lekeptlisjob
untiltlatclainoutletwentoutofbusiness.Icanonlyprayle
isusinglislairtomopoutportaletsinToledo,Olio.
So wlen tle clips were down, people sold me out to save
tleirjobs,asmostpeoplewill.Eventleotlerlong-lairedguy
couldlavesaidsometling,butledidnotling.Youmigltbe
askingmewlyafteralltlistimeIamstillalittlerawaboutit.
Inalllonesty,IladnoteventlougltaboutituntilIstarted
writingaboutitjustnow.SoIguessIamstillalittlepissedabout
it.TlereasonIampissedaboutitisbecauseitwasnotfairand
Iamarmbelieverinwlatisfair.Ifyoulosefairly,tlenyou
rollwitlitandyoulearnwlattodobettertlenexttimearound.
Butbeingbentoverandfuckedlikeafreaksoeveryoneelsecan
fuckingfeelbetterabouttlemselvesforanotlerfewdaysistle
veryessenceofwlyIamstillangryaboutit.Yeal,itslouldnot
betlatbigofadealseeingasIlaveaclievedquiteabitover
tleyears.Yeal,itwasatemporaryjobatbestandIlearneda
lotfromswallowingmyprideandacceptingtlatpeoplearestill
uncomfortableaboutmenwitllonglair.Butwasitriglt:
IkickedassatmyjobandIwasresponsibleforboostingprof-
its.Iwasgoodwitltlecustomers,andifIladbeenanybody
42 covvv :viov
else,Iwouldlavebeeninlineforapromotion.Iknow,even
backtlenIwasnotabigfanofcompromise,andintlegrand
sclemeoftlingsitisatrivialmatter.Butwlatreallyslouldnot
lavematteredwastlelengtlofmyfuckinglair.Iwasscrewed
twice,oncebytleownersandoncebymyfriends.Doyoustill
wonderwlyIremainmadaboutit:Yougivetoomanypeople
accesstoyourfeelingsandyouwillloseyourgriponlowto
controltlem.Formeitwasabitterlessoninloyaltyandfair-
ness.Tlankfullypeoplelavecomeintomylifetogivemefaitl
in tlose two precious qualities. But I still larbor lingering
doubtsaboutmostpeople.IguessIalwayswill.
Mymucllargerpointistlerearegoingtobeinstancesinlife
tlatmakeyoumad.Ifanyonetellsyouotlerwise,youslould
slaptleirlandbecausetleyjustliedtoyou.Soiftlatisjusta
factoflife,lowcantlatpossiblybecalledasin:Itisagiven
tlatyouwillbeangry.Tlesanctimoniousandreligiouswilltell
youitisanotlerexampleofOriginalSinandtlatCodwillbe
merciful if you ask lis forgiveness. Are you fucking kidding:
WloareyoutotellmeaboutCod,andiftlereisaCodwlo
tlefuckareyoutospeakforlim:DoyouknowCod:Haveyou
metCod:Hey,lereisaneasierquestion:Are you a fucking liar:
Haveyoueverladanotiontlatwasnotlteredtlrouglyour
Cod Ouija Board: Did Cod send you a text message from
leaven:Didleuseanemoticonwitlalalo:Tleselolyrolling
snakeoilsalesmenloldaboutasmuclwaterasaslotglass,but
tleyknoweverywaypossibletoquencltletlirstoftlebereft
wloareonlylookingforanswers.
Tledarkestmomentsappearintlecreviceswetrytoavoid.
Wetraipsetlrougleventsandencountersclingingdesperately
totleropeswing,afraidtoletgo.Meanwlile,tleironytlat
isouressenceseepsintotlosesamecracks.Tleresultistlat
some of our slit gets on eacl otler. So are we soiled by our
surroundingsorsurroundedbysoil:Wlatcomesrst:tlefric-
tionortlefate:Wecanalldrowninourdissatisedmireforall
Icare.IlopetleworldgetsMono.Ilopetleworldwakesup
witlitslivermissingafteralookerdopesitfuckingservesit
rigltforpissingmeoff.
ButIempatlize,youknow:Igetit.Welaveallgotproblems.
Wealllavedayswlenwlatweareeatingmigltaswellbedog
food.Wealllavedayswlenwefeelliketlereisasignabove
ourmoutlstlatsayspisslere.Becauseoftlesepeculiardays,
wealllaveatendencytoslootlotdaggerstlrougloureyesat
eaclotler.Tlesoulsoftleworldarecryingoutinanguisl,and
tleyareallsayingtlesametling:fuckoffanddie.
Tletlingtorememberistlatyouarenotaloneinanyoftlis
mess.Weallgotlrougltlesametlingsandweareallwaiting
fortlesteamtosubside.Iftlatmeansweareallsinners,tlen
sinnerslistenup,pullupsomeoor,andcopasquat.Everybody
getalittleclosertogetler.Donotbesly.Iseverybodycozy:
Cool.Cleckit:Weallsinbecausetleysaywesin.SoIsaywe
stoplistening.Wetunetlemoutlikealocalradiostation.We
slouldallfeignacertainamountofdeafnesswlenitcomesto
tleinsanitiesoftleclergyandtledevout.Buttlatcouldjust
beme.Ilappentobeacynicalsonofabitcl.Tlatscarybed-
timestorycalledtleBibleisneandall,butitisnotlingmore
tlanadustytomeforadustytime.Nevermindtlefacttlattle
Old Testament is just tle Toral. Clristians are so lacking in
imaginationtlattleyborrowandstealfortleirownreligion.
Tley tlink tley get away witl it, but tley are only lying to
tlemselves.Tledevout)ewisllookatClristianstlesameway
ClristianslookatMormons.
Youwanttoknowwlatpissesmeoff:
You all fucking piss me off.
44 covvv :viov
Youmakemesicktomyfuckingstomaclwitltlewayyou
alltrytofuckeaclotlerover.Youbringoutplysicalpaininme
becausewelavebeenontlisrockforapproximately200,000
yearsandyoustillcannotgetyourslittogetler.Youareallsad,
starving,exlausting,sorrylumpsofaberrantcellreproduction,
andIstillcannotgetoverlowmuclyoualllooklikeme.Tlat
initselfisenougltomakemewanttoripmyowneyesoutof
tleirsocketsandpasstlemaroundtleglorylolesofaporn
slop,buttlefacttlatyouareallsosatised,sofuckingokay
witlalloftlismakesitunbearable.Ifyouladmoretlantwo
legs,youwouldclimbwalls.Ifyouladmoretlantwoeyes,you
wouldstilllavegarbageonyourbreatl.
SodoyouknowwlatIdo:Iabsorballoftlismisusedenergy
youcastaroundlikesemenatafratpartyandIputittouse.I
takeallofyourslitandallofyoursweatandallofyourfucking
lateandIsaveit,soonedaywlenyouarealltoobusydoingto
eaclotlerwlatyoualwaysdotoeaclotler,Iwillmakeyouall
fuckingclokeonit.Idonotknowlow.Idonotknowwlen.If
IcouldgettlewloleworldtowatclShowgirls fortlerestofits
life,Iwouldnotbeasacidictowardit.Butbecausetlatisnot
possible,Iwillwait.AsfarasIamconcerned,wearenotspeak-
ingrigltnow,world.Iknow,IknowIwillgetoverit,butnot
forawlile.Notforaverylongfuckingtime.
DoyouknowwlyIamangry:
Youmakemeangry.
Tlatmakesmeasinner.
You makemeasinner.
Cofuckyourself.
3
Lus t Di s eas e
Iwasinabeat-upbatltubbackstagein1999,andfourwomen
werepreparingtopissonmesimultaneously.
WelcometotleLustclapter,kids.
Yeal, it really lappened, and not because I am into water
sportsonanylevel.Itwasbecausewlenyoumixwomenand
booze,sometimesyoujustwanttoseelowfaryoucango.We
ladjustplayedPittsburgloutdoorsinOctoberunderatrain
bridgeforsomesawedoff,slady-asspromoter.Tlebackstage
areawasliterallyapairofboredouttrailerswitlacouclinone
andanocedeskintleotler.Soonetrailerwasreservedfor
our dressing room, and tle otler was sequestered to be tle
after-slowarea.
Afterourfreezing-coldslow,weallwasledourselvesdown
tlebestwecouldandcommencedtocarousewitltlepeople.
IneverknewweladsomanyfriendsinPennsylvania.Afew
toomanydrinkslaterandIladtleideaforperlapstlesingle
47
chapter
greatestsociologicalexperimenteverlituponinaPennState
slack.So,verycondentandveryinebriated,Iclimbedupona
clairandposedtlequestion:Hey!!Howmanygirlswantto
pissonme:!
Fourlandsraisedinunison.
A mass exodus wandered into tle cracked out batlroom. I
strippeddownmodestly,remindingtlespectatorstlatitwascold
andslrinkagewasexpected,andlaidmydrunkassintletub.
Tlefourparticipantspositionedtlemselvesovermeasstoback
and,asifoncue,squatted.Itwasfuckinglilarious.Ilaugledtle
entiretime.Tlatgoteveryonelaugling.Wlentleyweredone,
IsloweredoffandIwaslappywlentleyalljoinedme.
Needlesstosay,aftertlissillylittlespectacle,itquicklyturned
intoalotofsex,witllimbsandmoutlsanduidsgalore.Notl-
ingisboringwlenyouarereadytoexcepttleimpossibleasa
possibility.
Lust,myAclillesHeel,tlecrazymonkeyonmyback,ailing
andscreamingandusingmylairasapairoflandlebars,steer-
ingmetowardtleedge.Itlastakenmesofarbeyondtlelimit
Icouldwriteawlolebookabouttleseexploitsalone.Itlasalso
takenyearstogetitundercontrol,togetittotlepointwlere
it does not make me do most of tle stupid tlings tlat oat
tlrougltleCaligula-esquefantasylandtlatlasbeenmylife.
For instance, do you know tle problem witl tlreesomes:
Tleyareeasytostart,buttlereisneverenouglroom.
In1995ImovedtoDenver,Colorado,forafewmontls.Itwas
afairlybigdealformyfriendsIwasmovingtleretogetmy
musicgoingbecauseinmylead,biggercitymeantbiggermu-
sicalgenepoolandbetteropportunities.ItwastleonlytlingI
wasgoodatandtleonlytlingIwantedtodowitlmylife,so
(ironically)IquitStoneSour,packedmytlingsintofourbigduf-
48 covvv :viov
felbags,andpreparedtoblastofffortleMileHiglCity.Ial-
readyladaridewitlmyex-girlfriendplottedandalineonfour
bandstlatneededasingerisongwriterreadyfortlebigtime.
Butmyfriendswerenotabouttosendmeoffwitloutabig
fuckingparty.SotlenigltbeforeIleft,weconvergedonalouse
ontleeastsideofDesMoinesandproceededtodrinkourselves
silly.Weladgallonsofcleap-asslooclandalousefullofmad-
ness.NoxiousiclorslikeSoutlernComfortandMadDog20i20
ewaroundintlefaceofcommonsenseandgoodmanners,so
itsloppedalloverannexingwallsandoors.Tlerewereonly
somanyroomsavailabletolangoutin,soalotofuswoundup
langingontlestreet,singingsongstotlemoonandmaking
peace witl tle mutual pasts we miglt lave in common. To
tlem,Iwasnevercomingback.Iwasjustgladtobewitlmy
friendsonemoreniglt,andtrustme,foroncesexwastlelast
tlingonmymind.
Onlytwolourslater,Iwasengagedinatlreesomeacrosstle
streetintleparkinglotofaclurclintlefrontseatofaMonte
Carlo.Iladonegirlbentoverontleooroftlepassengerseat
andanotlerwasleanedalltlewaybackintledriversseat,letting
lerloliestofloliesgetdevouredbytlegirlIjustsolappened
tobeinside.Itslowlybecameacomplexpretzeloftlrustingand
sucking,juicesandorgasms.IfeltlikeIwasbeingoverwlelmed
bysmellsandtastesuntilIrealizeditwastlegasfumes.Iwas
beingpoisonedinawonderfulmnageatroisandIwasliving
forit.Itwascrampedaslellbutitwasoneoftleall-timelottest
adventuresIlaveeverfoundmyselfembroiledin.
Ifyoucouldnottell,mylifelasquitefranklybeenonegiant
fuckfest.
One tling is for certainI lave never lad trouble witl
women.AndifIlaveonefatalaw,itistlatlustlasalways
beentleloudestangelonmysloulder.Ilostmygripandmy
virginitywlenIwaselevenyearsoldtoaverygivingandfucked
upbabysitter,anditlasbeentlelineofironsuldeinmystone
coldresolveeversince.Icame,Isaw,Icameagain.WlatcanI
say:Itistlestrangestlifeever,butitistleonlyoneIlavegot,
tleonlyoneIwant,andtleonlyoneIwilleverneed.
Itlasmademelavesexoutdoorsasmanytimesasin.Itlas
mademesleepwitlwives,girlfriends,andmotlersofpeopleI
know.Itlasputmeinsituationsinwliclbeingdiscoveredby
onesparentsislesstlanwonderful.Itlasbentmetoitssala-
ciouswillfortlebetterpartofmytlirty-sixyears.ItistleRip-
perstalkingmysexualWliteclapel,slicinganddicingtlrougl
my qualms and morals. And witl tle exception of a tlree-
montlbenderveyearsago,Ilavenoregretsaboutit.Q.E.D.:
noregrets,no sin.
SuretlerearesometlingsIwislIladneverdone.Tlereare
certainpeopleIwislIladneverseennaked,letalonedonetle
lunka clunka witl. Tlere was a woman I slept witl on my
twenty-eigltlbirtldayinPouglkeepsie,NewYork,tlatwas
misslapen,missingteetl,andwearingbluespandexpantsIam
stilltryingdesperatelytoforget.Naturelasalabitofletting
someerraticgenesgettlrougl.Fuck,wlerewasI:Olyeal,we
alllaveatrollunderafewburntbridges,butwlatonemiglt
callbaddecisions,Iliketocallwlittlingdownmyarrayoftaste.
Inotlerwords,wlenyouareslellingbeans,youtlrowaway
tleonestlatmigltgetyousick.Youfeelme:
InourDNA,tlereistlebuilt-incompulsiontobreed,topro-
create,spreadingourselvesasfaraswecan.Tlefacttlatit
feelsgoodisjustanextraasfarasIamconcerned.Betweentle
goldenratioandpleromones,itisawondermorepeopleare
notfuckingintlestreets.Sobetweeninstinctandfreewill,we
50 covvv :viov
getscrewed,ifyoucanexcusetlepun.Manorwoman,gayor
straiglt,tleintricaciesofsexaremajordrivingforcesinour
lives.Besides,alotofouradvancementisduetoourwanting
togetlaid.
Tlinkaboutit.Howmanymonumentalmomentsinlistory
canbeclalkeduptojustwantingtobenoticedbysomesexy
peeps:Hul:Napoleonsvictories,tleTrojanHorse,rocknroll,
peanutbutterM&Ms . . .well,tlatlastoneIcannotbackup,but
Iamtotallyrigltonwitltleotlers.Menandwomenlavespent
generationspreeninglikeneoplytepeacocksinordertopress
esl,andyetalongtlewaylavemanagedtoaclievesomucl.
Wlowouldlavetlougltlustwouldcarryusintotlefuture:
MakesyoulookatStarTrekawlolenewway,lul:Youtlink
BillCatesgotanyplaywitloutgeniusandastakeinMicrosoft:
Hereisatlouglt:DoyoutlinkBillCatescangetanerection
witloutcrasling:CanlendawomansV.).).onlytolavetlat
sexual window close on lim: If le gets pop-ups, low many
virusescomewitltlem:
Man,wlattlefuckamItalkingabout:
Wlocareswlywewanttorubuponyummies:Tlefactis
tlatwedo,andcallingitasinisasinineatbest.Wlyarepeople
soaslamedofbeingluman:Wlydopeopleattaclterriblestig-
mastoinstinctualbelavior:Youwouldtlinklustwouldbetle
onelumandrivetlatwouldalmostbeaguaranteedCetOut
Of)ailFreecard,seeingasanypersonwitljunkintleirtrunk
andnotlinggoodoncablelikestoslootstickyDNAontleir
carpet.Yesladies,Iknowtlatisnotlowyouwork:Cetintle
batl,ligltsomecandles,andtlinkaboutCerardButlertlen.
CodknowsIdo.
LustgetstleScarletLetterbecauselustbegetsdarkcompulsion
wlenitistwistedbyenvironmentalagitation.Brutalupbringings,
disgustingmotlergures,monstrousfatlergures,molesta-
tion tlereisaleinousgamutofpsyclosesouttleretlatcan
wrenclsometlingtlatissupposedtogivejoyandturnitinto
a deadly weapon. Murderers speak of bloodlust, no wonder
peoplegetuncomfortablewlentleylearaboutreallust.
Butlereistletling.Peopledonotwanttolearit,buttlisis
wlatItlink.EverytlingIjustdescribedisnotlust.Tleseare
productsorlistoriestlatleadtomentallealtlissues.Itisnot
evenclosetotlerealtling,andlereiswly.Lustcanonlybe
feltandreleasedbystrongminds.Itismeanttobeempowering
sopeoplecanembraceandenjoyit.Everytlingelseiscamou-
ageforpuritanicaldenial.Notlingmakespeoplefeelguilty
moretlantyingimplieddarknesstosexandtleinevitablelust.
However,ifyoudotlematl,rapeisnotaboutlust:Itisabout
late,control,andsickeningrage.Molestationisnotaboutlust:
Itisaboutgenerationalabuseandabrokensenseofself.Murder
isnotaboutlust:Itisoneoftlereal sinsIwilladdresslater.
Reallustisacelebrationoftlesexualself,awloleotlerside
ofyourselftlatcomestolifeintlerigltcircumstances.Itislet-
tingyourselfgo,trustingtlattleotlerpersonistlerewitlyou.
Reallustgetsyourbloodgoing,itgetseverytlinggoing,really.
Inslort,lustslouldalwaysbeaccompaniedbygoodfucking.
Iknowtlatiskindofcrudeofmetosay,butmanIlavegot
totellyousomeoftlebesttimesinmylifelavebeenspent
nakedandsweaty,notcountingtlosetimesIwasinasaunain
Creece. For a very long time it was one giant Blake Edwards
movie,witlexcessandaccessabound.Icantlanklustforin-
troducingmetotlebeautiesoforalsex,botlgivingandreceiv-
ing. Because of lust I am now in tle know about a position
calledtleHawaiianMonkeyFuck,wliclisaTekken-likeposi-
tiontlatrequirestotalconcentrationandtleabilitytobeas
52 covvv :viov
limberasacat.Itisdauntingbutextremelygratifyingifyoucan
keepfromcrampingitislardtokeepyourlegsandbacklike
tlat.Somyadviceistostretcloutpriortotlisendeavor.
Mucllikewratl,tleslittlatcomesoutofpeoplesmoutls
wlentleyareintletlroesoflustisequallystupendousbutin
alilarioussortofway.Tlereisnotlinglikelearing,Ilateyou!
Fuckme!Ilaveleardtlingstlatlavemademelauglsolard
itlasstartedgltsmidcoitus,resultingindepartureandacase
ofblueballs.Womenwlofartwlentleyaregrippedbymulti-
pleorgasms,womenwlosquirtwlentleycum . . .man,Ican-
notlelpitwlensometlingisfunny,Iguffawwitltlebestof
tlem.
TlatisnottosayIlavecomeoutunscatled.Ilavescarstlat
lavetleirownlittlelellisltales.Ilavedrunkenvisionsofgoing
tobedwitlonegirlandwakingupwitlanotler.Tleystarted
outastlesamegirl,tleyjustlookedincrediblydifferent,and
better,intledark.Welaveallladtlatexperienceofcoming
out of a wliskey-drencled slumber and all of a sudden your
louseisfuckinglaunted.Andwlydotleyalwayswanttomake
youbreakfast:Icastyouout,uncleanspirit!Wleretlelellis
MaxVonSydowwlenyouneedlim:

Insteadofdivinglipdeep(nopunintended)intotleusualsus-
pects,IwanttotalkaboutsometlingIndlysterical:tletimes
wlenwefeelanytlingbut lustfulandsexy.Forinstance,tlere
isnotlinglesssensualtlantryingtolooksuavewlenyouknow
youlavetotakeaslit.Idonotcarewloyouareyoucould
beBradPittorRoccoSiffredinoonecanndtlestonesto
make a move wlen torpedo tube #1 is ooded and ready to
launcl, if you smell wlat I am sloveling. Tle turd pressure
aloneisenougltowilttlestrongestbonerriglttotlelilt.And
if you are feeling unfresl, good luck witl your game. Tlis is
moreofawomanproblem,really.Cuyscouldsmelllikelotgar-
bage and still be ready to go Casanova on tle opposite sex.
Womenarealittlemorediscriminating.Tlenagain,women
lavemuclbettertaste.
Tlatisreallytleissue,riglt:Menandwomenlaveverydif-
ferenttriggerswlenitcomestolust.Mostmenarebasically
dowelrodsinsearcloftlenextpieceofwoodforinsertion.
Womenaremultidimensionalsexualbeings,tleyaresuscepti-
ble to attraction on so many dynamics tlat you never know
wlatisgoingtooattleirboatlopefullyallowingyoutoput
tlemotortosaidboat.Wleremenonlyneedafewsecondsand
acocktail(again,nopunintended)tobereadyforlotjungle
sex,womenusuallyneedtime,talk,andagoodwliffoftlein-
tellectualpleromones.Iknowsomewomenarejustasclau-
vinisticasusdudesare,butIammerelymakingapoint.Men
andwomenlandlelustinverydifferentways.
Solereismyquestion:WlattlelelldoesCodlaveagainst
fucking:
Welavejustestablisledtlatpeopledotlesexytimeinso
many ways. If tle clergy lave tle Holy Handbook, complete
witlmeritbadges,Iwouldliketopersonallyperusetleclapters
andgetagripontlecodextlerein.Isitlikeapieclart:Istlere
agraplwitlgraduatedstatesofarousal:Dotlesinstlemselves
graduatetomisdemeanorsorfelonies:Aretleresubsectionson
certainsinsinwlicltlepenanceismorelenient,sayforpenal-
tiesregardingsexinpublicasopposedtosexwitlMyrtletle
Cow:Mynalquestioniseasy:Iftlereisasecretmanual,wlen
doweevergettoseeit:Tleyleaveustoourowndevicesto
distinguislbetweensexualrigltandwrongwitlnotlingmore
54 covvv :viov
tlan recrimination. How does it feel to be left langing witl
guessworkandassumptionwlenitcomesdowntoyourimmor-
talsoul:
TlisiswlyIamcallingHolyHorseslit.Tlereisnobook.
Tlereisnoscript.TlereisnoCodlyCuideline.Tlereisnotl-
ingmoretlantlepersonalopinionoftlosewloarequitecon-
vinced tlat tley are closer to Cod and, tlerefore, more
importantandsmartertlanweare.Wlatanimpossiblyfucked
upattitude.Tleystandonliglandtlinktleyareinnitelybet-
tertlanweare.Well,tlelasttimeIcleckednoneofmyfriends
orfamilywereguiltyofclildmolestation.Infact,inmyopinion,
clildrenaremoreindangerofbeingabusedinaclurcltlan
anywlere else. Tle Clurcl cannot landle tleir own lustful
ways,solowdaretleyquestionours:
Again,donotgetmewrong.Iamtalkingaboutregularold-
faslionedlustlere.Iamnotmakinganargumentforpeople
wlotrytodisguiseordefendsexandabuseagainstclildren,
rape,oranytlingelsetlatisnotbetweenconsentingadults.As
far as I am concerned, tlere is no difference wlatsoever be-
tweenarepeatrapistandaNAMBLAmember.Tlatisnotlust.
Itisasickness.Tlesepeoplearenotlingmoretlanmonsters
amongus,lookingforanotlervictimtoterrorizeinaneffortto
alleviatetleirownpain.Tleycantalkalltleywantandlope-
fullyclokeoneveryword.Mygltiswitltlosewlowould
takeawaypleasuretlattlemajorityofuslovetoexperience.
Andnow,backtotlefaitlful.
Intermsoflust,ofalltlesinsontlesoulradar,itistlemost
plysical of all of tlem. Sure one can say tlat wratl makes
peoplewanttotakebrickstoleads,butitiswaymoreemo-
tional in tleory. Lust can be felt, but it is tle episode one
cloosestogetinvolvedintlatreallysealstledeal.Religious
folk will claim tlat even unfullled lust is a sin, but tlat is a
copoutdesignedtocontrollowyoutlinkandfeel.Tomelust
becomessinincopulation.Imaynotbeanexpert,butIlave
denitelyladsex.Inlealtlycircumstances,sexisnotacrime.
Sowlyislustasin:
IwaslivinginDenver,enjoyingtlefruitsofbaclelorlood,
wlenIfoundmyselfinwlatPapawouldlavecalledadelicate
situation.YouseetlereweretwowomenIwasinvolvedwitl.
Foranonymityssake,andtomakesureIdonotgetsuedand
losetletenbucksImakeontlisbook,wewillcalltlemKate
andPenny.Tleywerebotlverydifferent,verystrong-willed
womenwloIenjoyedmanysweatynigltswitl.ButIdonot
wanttospoiltleending.Letmegiveyousomebackground.

Iwasoneofseveralpeoplelivinginatwo-bedroomatinLake-
wood,Colorado,justoutsideofDenveroffofSixtlAvenue.I
wasdoingtimeatavideodistributioncompany,loadingreels
orpancakesofblanklmontomaclines.Tlemaclineswould
tlenbeprogrammedtollemptyvideocassetteswitltleap-
propriateamountofblanktapesotleycouldbemass-dupli-
catedfordistribution.Tlattellsyoulowlongagotliswastle
leatlenswerestillusingVHStapes.Asyoucanimagine,witl
ajobtlisinnocuous,isitanywonderItriedtondanyexcuse
oropportunitytoletlooselikeacoyoteonmetl:
Ispentalotofnigltsoutontletown,drinkingmydirtylittle
caresawayanddoingtlingstlatwouldmaketleMarquisde
SadelooklikeBarneytleDinosaur.Wordtotlewise:Sexina
snowdriftisnotatallwortlit.
Anyway,Iranwitlafun-lovingbuncloflunatics,andtlese
two girls were part of tlat group, fringe players in our little
56 covvv :viov
cabaretofclaos.KatewasfromtleSoutl,ablond-laired,blue-
eyedcurvyvixenwitladayjobandnigltscloolwlocouldturn
anylittleplraseintosometlingsalaciouswitltlesligltestick
ofleraccent-tingedtongue.Slewasdirty,too,weladsexon
more oors tlan we did in beds. I do not know low women
dealwitlcarpetburnsometimes.Iamawusswlenitcomes
toclang.
Penny,lowever,wasaredleadtlrouglandtlrouglandtle
lottestnutjobIlaveeverladtlepleasureofbedding.Hereyes
wouldligltupbeforelerangergottlebestofler,soyouknew
instantlyifyouladpissedleroff.Herbodywasdeliciousand
lervoicewasarazorbladeitcouldcutacrossacrowdedroom
atapartyfullofauctioneers.Sexatlerplacewasabitweird
seeingasslesleptonanairmattressnexttoanopenwindow.
Honestly,nowtlatItlinkaboutit,IamfairlycertainIonlylad
sexinabedlikefourtimesduringmytenureinDenver.Itwas
almostexclusivelyontleground,oor,ortleaforementioned
snowdrift.Ol,andalandfuloftrystsincars . . .goddamntlose
bucketseats.
IbelieveIwasveryupfrontwitlbotlwomenregardingmyin-
tentions.Asabaclelor(read:ass),ImadeitveryclearIwasnot
lookingforarelationslip.Iwasverymuclintobeingmyown
man,wlatevertlelelltlatmeans.Tome,itmeantIreallywant
tosleepwitlyoubutIwillnotbetieddown.Nowsomemen
willlieaboutwlattleywant.Otlerswillbefortlrigltintleir
sexualneeds.Iwastlelatter:Iwantedfunandnotlingmore.
Unfortunately,mostwomenleartletrutlandslootittlrougl
tlemarriageprism.Well,bysayinglewantsnorelationslip,
wlatlemeansisledoesnotwantonerigltnow.Women,you
lavetostopdoingtlat.Ifamanwantsarelationslip,lewill
moretlanlikelytellyou.Ifledoesnot,neversprinklepixiedust
onlisyearningandtrytobuildalouseoutofclay.Takeitfor
wlatitis,itmigltclange,butyouareguaranteedtofailifyou
puslamantoofar.
TlisisexactlywlatKateandPennybotldid.Pressurewascom-
ing frombotlsides,drinkingandlauglingwasbeinginterrupted
andseriousdentswereappearingontleligl-performanceve-
licletlatwasmysexlife.Iwasstartingtofeelalotlikesome
kindofgigoloping-pongball.Andtlesexwasjustamazing.
Tleywerefuckingmeliketleyweretryingtoqualifyfortle
Olympics.IlatetosayIwaslovingit,butlolylamsterslit,I
wastotally lovingit.Tlegloveswereoffandwewereallrun-
ningfortlenislline:win,place,orquititwasabouttoget
weird.
Atabirtldayparty,itnallydid.
Myfriend,codenameMr.Nipples,wastlrowingapartyfor
lisformergirlfriendsbirtldayattleirapartment.Boozewas
owingandeveryoneseemedtobelavingawonderfultime.I
waslavingabannerniglt,runningfromroomtoroomjoking
abouttlisortlat.Butslowlyandsurely,darknessspreadacross
tlefestivities.Icouldnotputmyngeronit,butapresence
waslurkingjustofftlescopes,aforcetlattlreatenedtodestroy
tlemerrimentwitlzeroremorseandzeromercy.Attlispoint
intlemovie,itwouldbeloovetledirectortodoapusl-focus,
runtlelallwayoftleapartmentPOVstyle,andpresenttle
viewerwitltleslockingvisionofKateandPennycomparing
notesontleirexploitswitlyourstruly.
Tome,itwasnottlatbigadeal.Neitleronewasmygirl-
friend.Butasitturnedout,tleybotlconsideredtlemselves
exclusive,tlesladowcabinettomyprimeminister.Soriglt
attlepeakofmysweetbuzz,tletwooftlemmarcledintotle
bedroomIwasloldingcourtinandconfrontedmewitltleir
58 covvv :viov
grievances.IamfairlycertainIdidnotmakemattersanybetter
byapplyingreasonandanonplussedattitudetotliseryaffair
witltlesimpleretort: . . .and:Tlissetoffaseriesofspec-
tacularfemaleassaultsaimedatmypersonandmypersonsper-
sontlateventuallyledtome,stumblingdrunkenlytomyfeet
andmuttering,Well,Ineedabreak.Iamtakingawalk.At
leastIlopetlatiswlatIsaid,attletimeIcouldnotreallyfeel
mymoutl.
Iwanderedoutintotlekitclen,wliclwasseparatedfrom
tlelivingroombyasingle7x10wall.)ustaroundtlatwallwas
tlefrontdoortotleestablislment,wliclopenedsimultane-
ouslytotlekitclenandtlefrontroom.AsIwasleadingto-
wardsweetfreedom,tlebirtldaygirlaskedmeinlerowntipsy
slurwlereIwasgoing.BecauseIassumeditwouldnotbea
problem,Isaidforawalktoclearmylead.Forsomereasonsle
tooktlisastleworstideatlatladeverlitlereardrumsand
intolerinebriatedmind.Sobeingabiggirlandeasilyoutweigl-
ingmebytwentypounds,slegrabbedmyarmtostopmylasty
retreat.Notrealizinglerownstrengtlandlavingnocontrol
atallbecauseslewasbombed,slelalf-pulledandlalf-tlrew
mebackintotlekitclen.Iwasungaroundlikearagdoll,and
becausemyownequilibriumwasslot,Islipped,fell,andlanded
lardagainsttlelowercupboardsbytlekitclensink.Myriglt
elbowcamedownpainfullyontle70splasticormetallandle
ononeoftlecupboards,anditpiercedtleskin,drawingblood,
bone,andwlatevertlelellelsemakesupanarm.
Witlbloodpouringdownmyforearm,tlebirtldaygirltried
desperatelytorinsetlewound,tlen,justasdesperately,tocon-
vincemejusttostickaBand-Aidonit.Luckilytlecommotion
ladraisedtlecuriosityoftleotlerpartygoers,andIwaslastily
pusledouttledoorandintoawaitingbackseattobewlisked
awaytotlenearestlospital.BecauseIwasdrunk,Icouldbarely
feeltlepainevenwitlmyelbowbonestickingout.Andunfor-
tunately,becauseIwasdrunk,Ipassedoutintlebackseatof
tlecar.Imustlavebeenontlevergeofligltingacigarettebe-
cause wlen I came to, I lad a broken Marlboro Red in my
moutl.
Iregainedconsciousnessintleemergencyroomfacedown,
tlebrokensmokedanglingfromdrylips,andtlesoundsofKate
andPennyarguingovertletopofmystillbodyoverwlowould
gettokeepme.However,tletablesladturned:Nowtleywere
tryingtofoistmeoffontleotler.Heisyourmessyoucan
lavelim!Idonotwantanytlingtodowitllim,youcanlave
lim!SoasIlaytlereforanotlerlourwaitingforadoctorto
comein,tlenanotlerlourwliletledoctorsewedupmyarm,
tlevocalequivalentofFedererandNadalvolleyedovermyback
tleentiretimeIwasintlelospitalandcontinuedtlewlole
ridelome,evenasIsearcledalltletwenty-four-lourgrocery
storesforaslingtoputmyarmin.Iladtwenty-onestitclesin
all.BecauseIcouldnotusemyarm,Ilostmyjob.BecauseIlost
my job, I ended up leaving Denver. Because I left Denver, I
endedupputtingStoneSourbacktogetler,wliclledtomyau-
ditionwitlSlipknotandotlernetlings.Sofansaroundtle
worldtakenote:Ifnotformylustandtrutlfulness,Iwouldnot
lavecometobetlesingerinSlipknotnorwouldIlavebeen
abletoputStoneSourbacktogetler,lencetlerewouldbeno
Snuff orTlrouglClass.
Anditwasallbecauseofmylustandacircularwoundonmy
elbow.).).Abramscouldlavenevercomeupwitlastoryline
liketlis.Tleamesoflustdoincredibletlings.Tleyburnto
tleboneandlealintodifferentskincongurations.Tleydrive
usoutofourcomfortzonesandintotlearmsofdestiny.Tley
60 covvv :viov
desolateourlandscapesandslowustlecomplexitiesofrela-
tionslips.Tleyalsoconvinceustomakeoutwitlourguitar
playeronNewYearsEvewlenwearesotrasledwedidnot
knowwlowasinfrontofus.Itellyouonetling:Helasagiant
tongue.Itmademepuke.Truestory.
SoIguessmostofmyadultlifelasbeenaroadmapontle
inandoutliglway.IfIamguiltyofadeadlysinandyouknow
me,IamnotsayingIamoramnotmysinwouldbelust.But
doesitstandtoreasontlatiflustwereatruesintlenitslould
laveneverbeenmadetofeelsodamngood:Wlyissexour
esllikeversionofclocolate:Wlydowegetcaugltintlenets
wlentleyfeellikeleavenandtasteevenbetter:Inotlerwords,
wlattlefuck,man:
Istillmaintaintlatitcomesdowntolowcomfortablepeople
arewitltleirownsexuality.Tlestatusquolasgonetogreat
lengtlstomakesuretletabooisintletablet.Imean,upuntil
tle1960slomosexualitywasregardedasafuckingmentalill-
ness.Istlatabigenouglcontrolissueforyou:Tloseinfavor
closetomakepeoplewlowereconfusedenouglasitwasfeel
like tley were fucking crazy. Can you imagine laving to go
tlrougl slock tlerapy all because you wanted to sleep witl
wlomeveryouwereattractedto:Itissolardfortlegayand
lesbiancommunitytotrustus,weladtogoandtryandfuck
witltleirminds,soIdonotblametlemintlesligltest.
Anyonewlofeelstlatlomosexualityisnotonlyasinbutalso
adiseaseoramentalissueslouldtakealookintlemirrorand
realizewlotlerealcrazypersonis.Ofalltlegayandlesbian
peopleIlaveeverknown,tlerelasonlybeenonecrazycandi-
date,andbelievemelewastrulycrazy.Hewasconvincedle
ladwingsunderlisskin.NowIamnotonetojudge,buttlat
slitisfuckingcrazytome.Butlewascrazybecauseletlouglt
lewassomekindofTlanagarianwarrior,notbecauseleknew
wlolewasattractedto.Tlereisasubtexttojudgmenttlatis
lypocriticalandopenlyselsl.Ifpeoplespentmoretimemind-
ingtleirownbusinessandlesstimeinotlerpeoplesbusiness
tleworldwouldbelavingamuclbiggerparty.Tlesearetle
samepeoplewlobelievegaymarriageisntaconstitutionally
protected riglt. I bet tle louses of tleir unions lave more
skeletonsintleirclosetstlanbrooms.
Mybloodisstartingtoboil,butIslouldbecareful.Tlisis
nottlewratlclapter.Itisalltlingslust,alltletimeontlis
Siriusclannel.Lustissuclafuntlingtooitisarealslame
tlatpeoplecannotjustrelislitforwlatitis.Lustisadoorway
totleveryleartofourleart.Lustandsexwerecelebratedby
manyculturesastletappingwelearontledoorsofourids.
Matingritualslavebeenapartofussinceweclubbedourrst
cavewoman.Tlerearenuancesanddelicaciestlatwecanstill
learnfromourinnerpervert.Wlenweturnablindeyeand
numbpelvistowardourspirituallorizons,wenevergettosee
oursunspeak.Tlatisamotler-fuckingslame.
RestassuredtlatnotlingwillbeaccomplisledintleWarof
tleLoins.Eveniftleyweretolegislatemonogamousmission-
ary sex by penalty of law, we as free-tlinking rebellious folk
would nd a way to get around it. Lawmakers and judicious
clurclies,orClristosasIamfondofcallingtleuber-religious,
willdotleirdamnedesttosticktleirleadsintoourunanimous
asses to see wlere our slit las been. But wetle few, tle
proud,tlelornywillbeattlembackwitltlespeedofour
witsandtlestrengtlofoursexualresolve.Tlisisnotonlytle
freedom we slould all lave but also tle riglt we slould all
enjoy.Tlegoodgltstartswlentlebadslitlappens.Sobring
itontleworldiswaiting.
62 covvv :viov

Onebrutalby-productcomesfromleterolusttlougl,andit
involvespanic,lysterics,andpeeingonbluesticks.Tlatisab-
solutelycorrect,Harry,Iamtalkingaboutbabies.Fortloseof
younotintleknow,babiesaretinylumanswlocannotfeed
tlemselves,clangetleirowndiapers,ordrivetlemselvesto
tlegasstation.Fortloseofyou(likemyself )wloarealltoofa-
miliarwitltleconceptofyoungones,weareveryawaretlat
babiesareloud,insanecreatureswlobarelywalkandnevertalk
butcrycontinuouslyuntiltleyaredistracted.Comingastlat
doesfromafatler,pleasemakenomistake,Ilovemyclildren.
Butlolyslit,tleywilldriveyoutodrinkmore.
Tlis goes land in land witl lust in general. Tle Cood
BookandbytlatImeanThe Joy of Sextellsusgofortland
procreate.Solustistlelubeforourclild-bearinggears,tle
gasinourenginessotospeak.Itisapartofourgeneticuncon-
scious to spread our seeds across tle lust-lled landscape, a
postcardofeslyreminderstlatwewerelere.Orgasmsareaf-
fectionatelyalongfortlewonderfulride.Tlankgodfortlat:If
all we got out of sex were clildren and migraines, lumanity
wouldlaveplasedoutgenitaliacenturiesago,alongwitlpinky
toesandtlatsnottunneltlattakespllegmfromyournosedi-
rectlyintoyourmoutl.Iwillneverunderstandtlatpieceofour
anatomy.
Wlendidtlenecessarygetlumpedinwitltleneerdowells
ofoursinfulnevercantells:WloputtleSodominComorra:
Wereourancestorssofuckeduptlattleycrossedlineseven
ignorant, undeveloped ancient fuckers found distasteful: I
mean,didyeoldlustleadtostickingyourcockintomountains:
Werepeopleclasingdownfrogs:Wasmudbeingplungedinto
witlromanticfervor:TlesearetletlingstleBibleconspicu-
ouslyleavesout.IbetyoualandfulofCliliscouponstlat)esus
ladafootfetisl.Peoplearejustinlerentlyweird,man.Igotto
belonest,Ilavesuckedmyfairslareoftoesmyself,anditis
someoftlesexiestslitontleplanet.Damn,Imigltlaveto
takeabreakandworksometlingoutifyougetmydrift.
Tlat reminds me: I do not know wlat tle Catlolics lave
against masturbation, but if tlere were a way to levee com-
plaintsontleirleads,Iwoulddosoinaninstant.Wlattle
Catlolics and Clristians call a sin against oneself, tle great
WoodyAllencalledsexwitltleoneyoulove.Masturbation
andarentedmoviebeatdinnerandslittyconversationwitla
badblinddateanyfuckingdayoftleweek.Quotemeontlat.
Alittlepusl,alittlepull,andalotofimaginationcanbejust
wlattledoctororderedafteralardday.Letsfaceit,sexsome-
timesrequirestalking.Forguys,sometimesquitefranklywejust
needtotaptlesexualvalve.Pullupcamwloresoryourporn
orredtubeorpornluborapletloraofotlerworldlyWebsites
tlatoffervisuallorizontalrecreation,tlengetalandleon
yourselfandfallasleepwatclingForensic Files.Besides,Iwould
never listen to people wlo spend too mucl time in wooden
bootlslisteningtopeoplessecretsallday.
Tledaysoffeelinglumiliatedaboutnormalsexualescapades
slouldallbebelindus.Sadly,tlerearemanyamonguswlo
stillequatesexwitllatefultlingslikerapeandmolestation.
Smallpeoplelavesmallmindsclutteredwitlsmallerideas,and
itisaslametlatsomanyoftlemlavegiantreaclesintoluge
pockets.IfIwouldneverlandcontrolofmysexybitstoafalcon
witl epilepsy, tlen wly would I be expected to do so witl
strangerswlolavenoclueaboutpleasure:IfeellikeIamgoing
64 covvv :viov
fuckingnutslere.AndwlenIgofuckingnuts,Ilaveaten-
dencytobreakmyluckyCuinnessglasses.Damnitguys,Ionly
lavesomanyoftlosetlingsleft!
Sentient beings witl intelligence and morals slould be al-
lowedtoputtleirpiecesinwlateverReesestleywant,wletler
tleyaregayorstraiglt.Tlestigmasoftlepastslouldbeerad-
icated.Tlepowerstlatbeslouldbetlepowersoffree.Brotl-
ersandsisters,tletwiligltofoursexualrevolutionisgoingto
givewaytotledawnofourlustyvictories.Wecanleadamarcl
tlrougltlestreetsofeverymajorcityoftlegreatestcountry
intleworldandproclaimtlatourprivatesareprivateproperty.
Noonegetsawaywitlmurderingourriglttocoitus.Noone
getsawaywitlcontrollinglowwefeelaboutlowwefeel.Tle
riglttobareassesisrigltuptlerewitllickingapplepieofftle
tits of someone called Big Mama. America puts tle cunt in
country,damnit.Wearefuckingaliveinlere.
Iamabigfanofpizza,witlrancldressinglandyfordipping.
Iladnootlerreasonforwritingtlistlantoligltentlemood
abitbeforeIpullyourpantiesoff.Doyoufeelme,eartl:Yeal,
tlatismylandonyourtliglandmylipsonyourear.Besides,
doesanyonereallylikelavingatongueintleirear:Itisakinto
awormtryingtotakeoveryourlead.Itisjustgross.Iwould
ratlerlavearaccoonsdickslovedintomynaveltlanlavea
tonguestuffedintoeitleroneofmyears.Nownibblingisadif-
ferentstory.)ustgivemesometinybitesonanypartofmeand
I am rendered larder tlan malogany in tle Arctic Circle. I
tlinkIamgoingtodragmywifeupstairsandrubsometling
againstler.No,Imeanit.Slelaslintonlersweaterandtle
stickylintbruslisontlecounterinourbatlroom.Wlatdid
youtlinkIwastalkingabout:Youguysarefuckingperverts,
mangetyourleadoutoftlegutter.Tlatismywifeyouare
tlinkingabout!
Cod,mywifeislot.

Ilaveladsexwitlpornstarsandrockstars.Ilaveladsexwitl
friendsandstrangers,witlbeautyqueensandtlestuffofwet
dreams.Ilavefuckedwloresandlags.Ilavedonesomucl
tlatitisdamnnearimpossibletoputangeronjustwleremy
ownuniquekinkcomesfromsometimes.Butonetlingisfor
certain:Ifitwerenotforlust,lalfmystorieswouldbeboring
wastesofbreatl.Ifitwerenotforlust,mylittlesoireeswould
benotlingmoretlancampresonnetsdesignedtolullyouto
sleepmaybenotalloftlem,butmostoftlesestorieswould
beanyway.Fortlelasttlirty-veyears,lustlasbeenmyco-
pilot,Ilavebeenitscaptain,andwelavegonedownintleslit
togetler.
IdonottlinkIamunravelingtlemysteriesortlescience
belindoursexualdrivesorweakness.Iamjustaguytryingto
make you feel better about laving sex in tle rst place. Tle
stains of tle past can wasl off witl enougl time and effort.
People,tlepoweristrulyinourlands.Fromsouptonuts,from
lellototleafterglow,fromdinnertotlepostcoituscigarette
everydecision,everymoveyoumake,andeveryvibeyougauge
isfreewillburning.Youcandodgetlebulletatanymomentor
buryitwitltleclosestbone.Altlouglsexfeelsgreatwlenit
isdirty,itslouldneverfeelevilor,fortlatmatter,deadly.We
alllivewitllustinourlearts,tlepassionatepulseofbeingalive,
andnotlingtleautloritiessaywilldoanytlingtomakeusbe-
comeeunucls.
66 covvv :viov
Soforallyouuptigltvanillalard-onmotlerfuckerswloare
justlangingaroundtlesandboxwaitingfortlerstopportu-
nitytokickdirtinourbeds,lowaboutyougoaleadandstick
yourleaddeepintlatverysand.Tleworldisalittlebiteasier
tocopewitlafteragoodboutofWloTiedMeUp:,andIfor
onecankeepfromplottingtledeatlsofmyenemieswlenI
laveladastrongsix-secondorgasm.Iambeggingtloseofyou
wlo just do not get it or, more appropriately, do not get it
enougltolayoff!Betteryet,getlaidandgetoff.Ifyoucould
viewtleworldtlrouglblue-linedglasses,youwouldseemost
ofusarejustlavingfun,justkickingtlemudoffofourbodies
andspirits.Itisafuckingjungleouttlere,man.ButtlankPete
weallcameequippedwitlagreatstress-killingmeclanismtlat
lopefullyneverdisappoints,neverdiesdown,nevergetsold,
andneverevermakesanyonesayow!Islustasin:Inmypro-
fessionalopinion,lustisnotasinatall.ButIwillsaytlis:Some-
timesitfeelsevenbetterwlenyoupretenditisone.
4
Bonf i r e for Vani t y
Fortloseofyounotveryfamiliarwitlme,letmeintroduce
myself.
MynameisCoreyTaylor.Iwasmoreorlessbornandraised
inDesMoines,Iowa,altlouglIladlivedintwenty-vediffer-
ent states before Id reacled puberty. I am (apparently) a
renownedartist,singer,songwriter,lyricist,entertainer,dancer
(totallie),magi(anotlerlie),aurareader(wlereslegoingwitl
tlis:),andall-aroundfamousperson.Ilavetwoverysuccessful
bands,SlipknotandStoneSour,witlmultiplatinumalbumsand
award-winning music. I lave seen a million faces, and Ive
rockedseverallundredoftlem.AndIlavebeennominated
fortenCrammies,winningone,makingmetleSusanLucciof
rockandroll.Ialsolaveladtleprivilegeofwritingmyown
montlly column for a Britisl publication called Rock Sound
since2001.
69
chapter
Besidesalltloseotlersuper-cooltlings,Iamalovinglus-
bandandfatleroftwoultra-coolclildren.Iamamanicgeek
wloenjoysalltlingsgeek-tastic,suclascomicbooks,movies,
collectibleactiongures,andsoon.IlavebeenwritingsinceI
wasnineyearsold,myrstpublisledpiecebeingTleTiger,
wliclwasfeaturedontlefrontpageoftleJackson Journal (to
befair,tleJackson Journal wastleleaetlandedoutatmyold
elementarysclool,anditwasonlytwopagesbutIdidscore
tlefront).IamnotElmerFuddandIdonotlaveamansion
andayaclt,butIlavetlreelouses,acommercialbuilding,and
I lope to lave a louse boat by tle time I am old, or at least
youngenougltoswimafteritwlenitgetsawayfromme.
Onemoretling:Idonotmeantobragoranytling,but,god-
damn,Iampretty.
NotjustlikeEwanMcCregoror)udeLawpretty,butlikeKate
Beckinsalepretty.Iknow,Iknow,infrontofamirroritisall
wellandgood,yougottodealwitlsladowsandslit,butstand-
ing still, I cut a very landsome gure. Also, to quote Ani
Difranco,Ilavetlekindofbeautytlatmoves.
IlaveavisagesostunningImakewomenandmenpregnant.
WlenImovetlrouglaroom,Ileavetrailsofvaportlatintox-
icateeventlesternestcritics.Myeyesmeltbutter,iron,gralam
crackers,andSillyPutty.IdancelikeStevieWonderandIblusl
likeBettyBoop.Iamjustall-aroundkick-fuckin-ass.
Cod,ifonlyanyoftlatslitweretrue.
IlavejustgivenyouatasteofVanity,tlisclaptersdelicious
littledeadlysin.Self-love,tleonlytruelove,besidestleloveof
food.Everybodylasalittleofit.Itisdifferentfrompride:Pride
is love for ones deeds or aclievements. Vanity is love for
ones . . .one,Iguess.FromvanityplatestoVanity Fair,itseems
commonplace.Itisveryeasytoexplain:Mostofusarewlowe
70 covvv :viov
are,butvainfuckersarewlotleylove,andtleywilldowlat-
evertleylavetodoinordertoensuretlateveryonearound
tlem loves tlem, too. Tlis is tle grotesque by a wlole new
name,itispurepeacocksyndrome.
Again,byandlargeIlavenotrustintleeld.Peoplewlo
comeoffasveryvainarepompousasses,andpeoplewlodo
tleirverybestnottocarelowtleylookoractcomeoffas
youguesseditpompousasses.Butifwerelonest,weareall
atleastalittlebitvain.Wealllaveaneedtoloveourselves,or
atleastonetlingaboutourselves.Buttlereisnotlingwrong
witlatouclofself-assurance.Tlatkindofempoweredfeeling
canbetlefuelforgreataccomplislments.Buttoomucland
youruntleriskoflavingwaytoomuclincommonwitlParis
Hilton.Itsokay,youcantlinkwlatyouwantaboutlerwlile
readingmybook.Tlereisnoclanceinlellslewouldreadtlis
because tlere are no pictures of cartoon dogs to color witl
magicmarkersinlere.
Vanityisconstantlycleckingeverymirror,storefrontwin-
dow,teakettle,microwavedoor,windslieldandanyotlerre-
ectivesurfacejusttogetaglimpseofyourneself.Vanityis
leavingaclildsbirtldaypartybecauseoneoftleseven-year
oldslasabettervintageVanHalenT-slirttlanyoudo.Vanity
ispumpingfatfromyourassintotleleanbitsofyourfaceand
pretendingpeopledonottotallytlinkyoulooklikeayingco-
conutrapedyourface.Donotkidyourself,truebelievers(love
you,Stan!):Vanitycanbeadark,dangerous,lulkingbipolar
bitcltlatcanclaseyoutilltledayyoudie.
Buttlatdoesnotmakeitafuckingsin.
Sure,itisironicallyugly.Itisdisgustingtoseesomeoneso
intolisorlerselftlatyourskincrawlsjuststandingneartlem,
witllittlemoretogoonbuttleirconstantuseofI,me,or
my.Butassatanicasitgets,tlefrustratingpartcomeswlen
tlesepeopledonotevenrecognizetleissue.Tleytlinktley
arebeingcondentandtootlervaingloriousfucks,Iamsure
tleyare.Butitisallintledetails.Tleyaretryingtolooklike
tleyarenottryingatall.Icantell,maybeevenyoucantell.
Avainpersoncannotallowaconversationtolappenwitlout
dislinginlisorlerownexploits.Nomatterwlat,italwayslas
tobeaboutthem.Bringupfootball,tleywillturnitintoadis-
sertationonlowtleyweretlebestagfootballplayerinsec-
ondgrade:Couldlavegonepro,iftlerewasanocialleague,
butmyfriendsarepetitioningtlestatelegislature.Ireallyleard
someonesaytlis,sweartoBuddla.
Avainpersonwillsizeuptleroomtodrawtlemostenergy
tolisorlerself.Tleydoitbytalkingloudly,gesturinglikea
SlakespearianactorandlauglinglikealyenaonMetl.Mick
fucking)aggercouldwalkintoasmokingloungeinSt.Louis,
Missouri,onalayovertoAfricaintlelopesofraisingmoney
forimpoverislednatives.Avainpersonwouldstillwalkupto
limandexplainwlatleisdoingwrongwitllisband.Anex-
pertisnotlingmoretlanavainpersonwlolasreadabook.
Tledeceptionofvanityistlatitisnotonlyskindeep.Itisa
soul-suckingdiseasetlatwarpswitlinandwitlout.Itmakes
trulybeautifulpeoplelookliketleyslouldliveunderabypass
somewlere,botleringgoatsandsillykniglts.Itputstleslun
inpretension.Tletrutlistlatmostpeopledonotgiveaslit
wlenyougetdowntoit.Mostpeopledonottrytomatcltleir
catgutbelttoeverytlermostleyusetocarrytleircoffee.Most
peopledonotroamaroundpreeninglikeanidiot.Lifeisnota
fuckingmovie,andyoudonotalwayslavetolookgoodforyour
close-up. Tle emperors new clotles are now a clain outlet
foolingmoronsintotlinkingtlereismoretobeingless.We
72 covvv :viov
wantourleroestolookcool,buttleydonotlavetolooklike
tleyaretryingsofuckinglard.
Ilaveprobablytleworstself-imageontleplanet.Itislike
wlenIlookinamirror,tledamntlingiswarped.Ilavenever
beenabletolookatmyselfwitloutpickingoutasmorgasbord
ofawsandrippingmyselfapart.Tleycouldvotemeoneof
People magazinesFiftySexiestMenAliveandIwouldfreakout
becauseIwouldbecertainsomeonewassettingmeuptobe
Punkd.Ilavedaystlatarebettertlanotlers,butfortlemost
partIamparalyzedwitlaself-imageproblem.Wlenyougrow
upwitldenigratingbastardsyourwlolelife,tlefeelingtlatyou
areltlyneverreallygoesaway.Tlankgodyoucaneventually
alignyourselfwitlpeoplewlowilldotleirverybesttoreverse
tlislorriblepredicament.
Backtovanity:Istlereanytlingmorelilarioustlanwatcling
tlemannerismsofatrulyvaingloriouspersonwlentleydonot
tlinkwearewatcling:Tleirfacesappearbotlpincledand
glowingdependingontlecircumstance.Itislikeononeland
tleydonotwanttobebotleredbypeonsandcurmudgeons
wlocouldpossiblydiminisltleirsline,butontleotlerland
tleyneedtleselivingmirrorstoreecttleirdazzle.Tleyneed
usbecausewitloutustleywouldneverfeeltleirbeauty.)anice
Dickinsonlookslikesleslouldbenumbbecauseanyonetlat
pulledonandstretcledoutcannotfeelpainlikewemortalsdo.
Vainpeopledonotfeelitbecausetleyfeelnotling.
Buttlequestionremains:Istlisasin:No.Beingapreening
douclebagisacharacter aw,notasin.Sowleretlelelldid
tlisnotionofsincomefrom:Sometlingtellsmealongtime
ago,tlerewasoneaketlatjustladtobragtotlelierarcly
abouttlegold-leaftuniclismotlermadeforlimandlewas
sobraggadocioustlattleytookavoteinYeOldenTempleto
quaslanyfurtleruseofglamourorself-attery.Tlatislow
SupermansavedClristmas . . .ol,andtlatisalsolowvanity
becameasin.Tlisisalsowlyreligiousfolkdresslikefucking
paupers.Codforbidtleywearsomeslittlatdoesnotlooklike
itwassewnoutofcarpetandslpaperintle1600s.Butpeople
are so terried of appearing vain tlat tley will rob from tle
kitsclandliveliketleAmisl.
Donotgetmewrong,tlereisadifferencebetweenwanting
tolookattractiveandtreatingeveryonelikebeeftripeiftleyre-
fusetoviewyouasanytlingotlertlanspectacular.Tlegallof
tletrulyvainistlesuppositiontlatanyonewlostandsfastto
goodold-faslionedgoodtastewillbeslunnedintoobscurity.
Nowlereistlisstateofmindandplaymoreprevalenttlantlat
breakerofwills,tlatfuckeroflopes,tlatdreadfullatclfullof
fuckandcancerousrancorcalledliglsclool.Itissotruetlat
evenattleageoftlirty-six,IcanstillfeellikeretclingwlenI
tlinkofmytenurefromnintltowlateverfuckinggradeIwas
inwlentleyaskedmetoleave,anicewayofsaying,Youare
expelled,donotcomeback.
Higlscloolismeanttobesocialismforbeginners.Instead,
itbecomesastrangeTVmoviefortlefeudalsystem.Youend
upwitlacomminglingofeverytlingbadintleworld.Ifyou
areoneoftlePrettyFacesorAlplaMales,youbreezetlrougl
tlose four years witl little diculty, signing yearbooks and
cleatingontestswitljustatouclofdaterapeontlesidefor
goodmeasure.Higlscloolisabreedinggroundformoronic
creamydreamboatswlopeakintleirteens,fortroglodyteswlo
tlinklifeonlyexistsfromfreslmantosenior.Canyouimagine
tleirclagrinwlentleyrealizetlatiftleyareluckytleyget
eigltymoreyearsoflife:Tlatis,iftleycanactuallycountto
eiglty.
74 covvv :viov
Igotmyllofvanityfromtloselimberyearsofsluckingand
running,fuckingandcunning,andIlavetosaytleonlytling
Itakeawayfromtlemaremyneedtoputasmanyyearsbe-
tweenmeandtlewetendofpubertyaspossible.Tlosecould
betleworstkidsever,andtleywerebeingencouragedtobe-
cometleworstadultsever.Arewelivinginagoddamnvac-
uum:ArewedevolvinglikeDevopredictedtlirtyyearsago:A
tlousand years from now, will any of tlis matter: A million
yearsfromnow,willwemerelybetlelottest,cutestdipslit
boobsleftwlodidnotclokeontleirownair:
Prettypeoplecomewitlprettyproblems.Tlisconceptisvery
funnytome.SlouldIusetlemauveeyesladowortleburnt
sienna:SlouldIwearmyexpensiverippedjeansormyreally
expensiverippedjeans:DoIeatataplacewlereIusuallygo
sopeoplewillseemeoreatataplacewlereIlaveneverbeen
beforesopeoplewilllavetond metoseeme:Aretleyfuck-
ingkiddingme:Tleseareseriousquestions:Icannottellyou
lowmanytimesIlaveladtolistentosomeoftlesefucking
Californians, tley talk tle most amazing slit because tleir
leadsaresofaruptleirownassestlattleycantasteeveryfart
beforeitpassestleirmustacles.Itisaterrible,visceral,andvi-
olentmindsettlattwistsandbendspeoplelikeancientoaksin
aCarpatlianforest.
Butisitasin:Orisitjustanotlerdistractionontlewayto
deatl:
Neitleristlelonestanswer.Itistooboringtobeasin.Let
metaketlatback,itisonlyasintoyourselfandistlereaworse
tlingwecandotoourselvestlansin:Idonottlinkso.Buta
siningeneral:Nofuckingway,dude.Vanityistoobasetobea
sin. Do you know low easy it is to be into yourself: Do you
knowloweasyitistoostracizeyourfellowlumansbecause
youaretoobusyslouting,Digme!:SometimesItlinkpeople
aretoofuckingstupidtobetlisdumb.Itisalsotoostrongto
beameredistraction.Ilaveseenittwisttoomanypeopleinits
wind.No,vanityissometlingelse.
Howtlatmakessenseatallisamysterytome.Butaslongas
Igetit,wlofuckingcares:
Animalactiviststlrowbloodorpaintonpeoplewearingfur
and leatler. I tlink people opposed to vainglorious bastards
slouldtlrowAvonontlemandnottleligl-endstuff.Iam
talkingabouttlelittlebullet-sizedlipstickswitltleviscosityof
rancidduckpuss.Vainpeopleareeslmosaicsofabandonand
lack of condence. Tley are terried of appearing anytling
otlertlanperfect.Wlatasweetlelltlatwouldbe,lul:
Imeanimagineit:spendingeveryseconddevotedtowillful
bodycontrol,side-of-your-eyeattention,andintensecommand
ofattitude,vocabulary,andmannerism.Itwouldbelikeaforty-
year-longmovieyoucouldneveractyourwayoutof.Itwould
belikediggingyourowngravewitlatinyspoonandknowing
tlattleonlytimeyouwillevergettoaddalittledifferentialin
yourlife,itwillbetoolate.Tleywillbeputtingyouintlevery
graveyouwastedyourlifedigging.
Tlevainoftleplanetmakeussufferinmorewaystlanwe
caneverimagine.Tleymakeusexamineallkindsofslit:wlat
tleyarewearing,wlatyouarewearing,lowtleylook,lowyou
look,lowyoufeelaboutlowtleylook,lowtleyfeelabout
lowyoulook,lowyoufeelaboutlowtleyfeelaboutlowyou
look)esus Mary and )osepl, does tlis vicious wlirlwind of
fantasyeversubside:Wlenalloftlesesocialfactorsaretaken
asawlole,itallboilsdowntoonesimpleequation:you(x)
tlemcubed.Tleywillmakeyoufeelsoinadequateitbecomes
diculttorememberlowyouwereabletobuttonyourowny
tlatmorning.
76 covvv :viov
Asmajorastlatsounds,tlereisaminorinconvenienceto
consider.Beinganassloledoesnotnecessarilymakeyouasin-
ner.Itmakesyouasimpleloleinanampleass.Tloseofuswlo
canlandleitsimplydealbysaunteringofftotlebatlroomto
giggleattlesesorryakesofspeck.Wealsotellotlersabout
you,tlerebyspreadingtleridiculeasfaraswecanuntilsome-
wlereinCuamaratmeatsalesmenclucklesunderlisdirty
breatlataYouTubecliptlatsomeonemadecalledDoucle
Slreds,wliclisavideoofyouwitlsomeoneelsesvoicesaying
Lookatme,Iamafuckingdoucle!
Cettlepicture,kiddies:Peoplewloputtlemselvesinluman
troply cases catcl an incredible amount of bullslit. Now,
wletlertleycareornot,tleygetasmucldisdainastleydisl
out.Tlecircleofliferemainscomplete.Tlelioneatstleante-
lope,tleliondiesandbecomestlegrass,andtlentlelioni
grassbecomesantelopeslit.
Anyway,vanitymakespeopledostrangetlingstlatareasli-
lariousastletlingstleydowlentleyareangry.Iusedtodate
agirlwlodrovebytlesamebankintlesamesmalltownfor
years,eveniftlebankwasoutoflerway.Wly:Slewantedto
seelerselfdrivinglercarintlesuperlongpicturewindowtlat
rantlelengtloftlebuilding.Tlatisatruestory,itisalsowly
Iusedtodateler.Youcanonlyliveinsomeoneelsesworldfor
solongbeforeyoutelltlemtolurryupandtlrowtlefucking
ringintotleresofMountDoom.Cetitoverwitl,deatlis
preferabletoincessantprimping.

Vainpeoplearereallyjustsnobs.
Tle otler side of tlis sliny coin is tlat vanity can make
peoplefeellikeslit.Howdoestlatwork:Vanitymakesyoufeel
likeslitwlenyoudonotfeelyoulookasgoodasyouslould.
Youmaytlinktlisisalacktlereof,butIdisagree.Itlinkpeople
witllowself-esteemandterribleself-imagesaretlemostvain
becausetleycannotlovetlemselvesforwlatandwlotleyare.
Damnedifyouarelotanddamnedifyouarenotistlatnota
seriouslyfuckeduptlingtogotlrougl:IguessIamvainafter
allbecauseIbelieveinmylearttlatIamugly,misslapen,and
completelyunappealing.IfonlyIwerealittlebittaller. . . .
Nowmostpeoplemisplacetleirvanitybyzeroinginonone
tlingandignoringtlewlole.Vanityisself-obsessiononabase
level.Likeenvy,itisapersonalcompetitionwitleverytlingand
everyonearoundyou.Twovainpeoplecannotinlabittlesame
space.ItwillturnintoTlunderdomeinseconds,leavingdis-
paragingcommentsanddaggerlikestaresontlebattleeldlike
tleCivilWar.Wlentwopeoplesoinvolvedintlemselvesface
off,itmakesCettysburglooklikeagameofslapjack.Doyourself
afavor:Avoidtlisconfrontationlikeacaseofcrabsinadormi-
tory.Youwillwalkawaywitlclawmarks,bruises,andcaked
witl blood, resembling a survivor from a Nightmare on Elm
Street movie.
Tlenagain,reversevanitymakesyoujustascombative.How
manytimeslaveyougoneslingforacomplimentaboutapart
ofyourappearanceyouknewwasgorgeous:Ijustwisltlese
jeanstbetterorDotlesesloesgowitltlisgun:Comeon,
you know you look good, at least you slould know you look
good.Infact,vanityisnotasinuntilitmakespeoplesintosat-
isfytleEternalInternalCuiseFiglt.Notonlydoesvanitymake
mencapableoflying,butitalsomakeswomenforcementolie
totlem.Ifyouwrotetlelawsofvanityonsomescratclyblack
clalkboardinabeat-upbasementresearclcenter,tleywould
readassucl:
78 covvv :viov
1) Wlentleunstoppableforceofawomanswillmeets
tleimmovableobjectofamansdesireforpeaceand
quiet,yougetpurevaingloriouslies.
2) Wlenawomanskineticenergyisappliedtotlestatic
energyofman,yougetanextraveminutestogettlat
samewomanouttledoorinordertobeontimefor
dinner.
Sometimesvanityisjustplainverboten.Wlenwastlelast
time you asked your drinking buddies if your lair looked all
riglt:Haveyoueverbroacledtlequestionofweigltwitltle
guysonyourbowlingteam:Cuysaremostlyoblivioustoreal
vanity,infact,iftleirpantsstilltandtleirunderwearisclean,
tleycannotbebotleredwitltlatgirlystuff.Itcertainlyex-
plainstlenoselairandtleforestsgrowingintledarkestre-
gionsoftleircrotcles.Iftlereisnottoomuclfunkcomingoff
ofit,guyswillwearit.Ifitisneitlerblusl,salmon,baslful,cin-
namon,oranyotlersladeofpink,straigltmenwillpulliton
andpuslouttledoor.Donotmisunderstandmewearejust
asvainasanybodyelse.Wearejustnottlatgoodatit.Itwould
certainlyexplainwlywelooksouncomfortablewlenweactu-
allytrytodressupandlookappealing.
Women,lowever,aredevotedtotleartofsilent vanity.Tley
arenewitltlewaytleylookandfeel,buttleyjustneedyou
tobeontlereceivingendoftleirvocalizedinnermonologue
fortlerestoftleir(andyour)life.Wlereguyscangetoutof
bed,rinseoff,fumbleforsomepieceofclotlingtlatisnotso
offensive,andleadoutfortleday,womenareliketlearmed
forcesonD-Day.Tleyriseatdawn.Tleywaslforlours.Tley
spend an afternoon on tleir lair and an evening on tleir
makeup. Tley plan outts like uniforms. Everytling must
matclandeverytlingmustbeperfect.Ifonetlingdoesnot
comeouttlewaytleyimagined,tleirdayisruined.Coodluck
trying to get a crumb of entlusiasm out of your signicant
otler:Alltleycantlinkaboutistlebangtlatgotawayfrom
tlerestoftlelairdolerd.Eveniftlewloleensemblegoesac-
cordingtoplan,youwillbebombardedwitltlesefatefulwords
foratleastforty-eigltlours:DoIlookalriglt:Tliswillbe
pepperedwitlfollow-upssuclas,Areyousure:orReally:
Itwillfeellikeatelemarketerdoinglisdamnedesttogetyouto
subscribetoWalking Weekly,buttlebestyoucandoisspintle
vanityvolleybackontotlecourtandmissonpurpose.Letler
winyouneverladaclancetobeginwitl.
Vanityisresponsibleforgettingalotofbadclotlingintotle
nationalconsciousness.Youdonotbelieveme:Oneword:bell-
bottoms.Tlemostvainpeoplearetleoneswlolavenotling
tobevainabout.Supermodelslookliketleyaremadeoutof
tlinbitsofdriftwood.Mostmalemodelslookliketleycould
begirlsiftleywerenotforcedtogrowtloseslittybeards,and
eventlenitissuspect.FasliondesignersdresslikewlatTim-
otlyLearyusedtoseefromalltleacidletook.Tleonlydif-
ferencesbetweenafreakandafaslionguruareIQandaTwitter
page.
Not real enougl: Okay, vanity is telling someone you love
tlemjusttogainsomesortoftrustbecauseyoubelieveyoucan
clangetlemandmaketlembetter.Youknowsometling,tle
moreItlinkabouttlisone,tlemoreItlinkitisfun.Iwould
lovetojustblametlatslitonctionalclaractersfromsome
RyanReynoldsick,butIlavefelttlebarreloftlatgunpusled
againsttlebackofmyleadafewmoretimestlanIamlappy
toadmit.Wlenapersonalitydoesnotevencomeclosetoliving
80 covvv :viov
uptotlelypeoftlatpersonsinternalmovietrailer,youslould
run,notwalk,totlenearestexit.Tlingsliketlataretlerea-
sonswlydivorceisup,romanceisdown,andlifelasalintof
slitinitsaftertastewlenitcomestolove.Buteveryonceina
wlileyougetprovenwrong,andwlenyoudoitfeelsgreat.
Backtovanity:Isitmeordovainpeoplelookalotlikepup-
pets: Tley lave exaggerated movements, most lave funny
voices,andtleyreallywantyoutokeepyourattentionfocused
intleirdirection,butonlyfromtleneckup.Tlatisjustlike
oldepisodesofSesame Street:AisforAsshole!Halala!!Yeal,
IcrackmyselfupalotmoretlanIcrackanybodyelseup,but
tlatisokay.AtleastIamsmartenougltogetmyownjokes.
Vainpeoplewillcribquotesfromfamousfolksinanattemptto
seeminandedgywitloutlavingafuckingcluewlattleyare
talkingabout.Halftletimetleyonlysaytlingsbecauseitcould
seemsweettlrougltlesoundoftleirvoice.Meanwlile,people
witllalfabrainwouldlovetoclokealltleirairout.
Self-importancecanreallybeapain,butIstillsayitisneitler
asinnorisitdeadly.Sure,itisatraittlatcanbelazardousto
your lealtlpeople always want to lurt tle fuckface at tle
partybutvainpeopledonotkillpeopleunlesstleycanlook
gooddoingit.Andtlosearejusttoomanytlingsforavainglo-
riousbraintolandleattlesametime.Tlatwouldbeliketeacl-
ing an Arabian lorse to re a rocket launcler witl its teetl
wlileitstampsoutitsownagewitlitslooves.Itmayworkin
aNationalLampoonmovie,butinreallife,tlankgoodness,it
issimplynottlewayitworks.Well,slit,ItaketlatbackI
guessyoucoulddriveofftleroadwlenyouareprimpingyour-
selfinyourcarmirrors,butIdoubttlescripturesladtlatin
mindwlentleymeantdeadly.Alltleyladbacktlenwere
goatcarts,andgoatcartsdidnotincludesidemirrorsuntil1957.

Sometimesvanityisintleeyeoftlebelolder,andjudgments
liketlatmakeforbadgossip.Assumingsomeoneisfulloflis
orlerselfisjustasbadasbeingfullofyourself.Iamsuretlere
are good people out tlere wlo lave tlese rumors following
tlemaroundlikepaparazzilalftletime.Sowlydopeopledes-
peratelytrytotearpeopledownalltletime:Envyisagreatrea-
son.)ealoussapstrytondanyweaknessintlearmorsotley
canfeelalittlebettertlantleotlerdoes.Butdoestlatnotre-
quirejustasmuclenergyasbuildingyourselftoaplacewlere
youdonotcareaboutotlerpeoplesstatures:Tlemindbog-
gles. It is like a Republican and a Democrat debating low to
gltinationandrecession.Onetlinksyousloulddoleout
freemoneyintaxcutstopeopletoencouragetlemtospendit
onlomegrownproducts,tlerebystimulatingtleeconomy.Tle
otleronetlinksyouslouldinsteadusetlemoneytostartpub-
licprograms,tlerebycreatingjobsfortleunemployedandl-
teringtlemoneybackintotleeconomy.Wloisriglt:Better
yet,wliclwayiseasier:
Iknowseveralvainpeopleinmylineofwork.Ialsoknow
peoplewlowouldlaveeveryriglttobevainandtleyarenot.
Iamonlyluman,Ilavemymomentsofputtingmyselfona
pedestal.Butfortlemostpart,IjusttrytodotlebestworkI
canwitltletimeIlave.Tloseotlers,tlosebodieswlotlink
tleworldrevolvesaroundtlem,tleywillclawlalfwaytomake
everyoneundertlemfeelliketletopisimpossible.Tleywill
slower tlemselves in praise and nd new ways to reward
mediocre results. Tley will crow on a fence until someone
tlrowsafuckingbootattlem.Tleywillneverstopbecauseif
tleydo,wlatelsedotleylave:
82 covvv :viov
Andtlereistletrutlofit:tlefear.Itistlefearofbeingout-
runwlentlebulletsareying.Itistlefearofbeingeatenbya
slarkbeforeyoucanreacltleslallows.Itistlefearofbeing
tleconstantstranger:neverbeingrecognized,reconciled,orre-
warded.Itmakesgoodcopsdirty,tlieveswealtly,andsinners
wortly.WeallworslipattleCreatTit,lopingforanextrafew
secondsofsucklebeforetlepipesrundry,beforewegettofeel
fullandlappy.Wemigltaswelllavebloodandskinunderour
ngernailsbecausewelaveallleftourmarksontleoneswe
leldbackinordertololdourown.
Fear makes us buy stupid slit advertised by paid program-
ming.Iftleselalf-lourcommercialsaregoodatanytling,it
issellinguscrapat4a.m.weneverneeded.Butbyappealing
tooursloddysenseofself,weareleftclamoringfortlingslike
tleAbCircleortlePower)uicer.Wegetconnedbypaidmodels
wloaretoobusyexingtleirmusclestodelivertleirlinescon-
vincingly.Andyettleyareabletoconvinceus.Howtlelell
doestlatwork:Cuyswitldeepertanstlantlesoldiersoftle
FrenclForeignLegion,guyswitlBritislaccents,fast-talking
guys witl keen NSync leadsets wlo are prone to violence
againstprostitutesalltlesequaliedmenarereallywould-
beactors,slillingparaplernaliabasedonaninfallibleconcept:
Wletlerbuyersknowitornot,tleylatetlemselvesanditis
amatteroftimebeforetleyrealizetleydontneedalltlisclut-
terednonsense.FromtleBowextotleTliglmaster,inven-
tivemindslavededicatedtlemselvestomakingsuretlatifwe
donottlinktlereisanytlingwrongwitlus,tleywillletus
know.Servicewitlasmileleadstogriefwitlagrimace,allso
tle particular product tlat you were made to feel like you
could not live witlout can now gatler dust witlin tlree
montls.
Ilavealsonoticedtlatvainpeoplewitlnomoneyactdiffer-
entlytlanvainpeoplewitllotsofmoney.Tlepoorgetinst-
glts to prove tleir wortl, tle ricl just marry different
celebrities.Butpettinessknowsnotaxbracketorzipcode,no
bordersorboundaries.Itcouldverywellbetleonesintlatis
communist,libertarian,andcapitalist.Ifyoulavetlerigltgear
andyougivegreatbeard,youtoocanbetledarlingoftleanti-
bourgeoisie.Wleneverybodysucks,somuclfortleclasssys-
tem.YoucanpainttlatslitanysladeofMaoredyouwantit
istleuniversalqualm.Allittakestosetitoffisalittlesubtle
pusl.
Itwas2001andIwasplayingaslowattleL.A.Forumwitl
Slipknot.Iwaswanderingaroundtlebackstagearea,watcling
low pompous people can become wlen tley are convinced
someoneiswatcling.TleywererigltIguesssomebodywas
watcling.Unfortunatelyfortlem,itwasme.Andslowlybut
surelyIwasturningintoadisgusteddrunkenasslole.Iwascor-
neredonallsidesbybraggarts,bimbos,andbastards.Tleywere
everywlereIlooked.TleywereeverywlereIwasnot.Tley
wereinmyspaceandIdidnotlikeit.Itwasaroundtlatpoint
tlatIfoundmyselfinasituation.Tlerewasacertainfamous
rockstartryingtololdcourtatmyslow.Iwillnotsaylisname
becauseitwouldjustbeonemorefuckertryingtosuemeand
Ilavebettertlingstodowitlmytime.Sowewilljustcalllim
Len.
Lenwasdoinglisverybesttocallinordinateamountsofat-
tentiontolimselfataslowlewasnotplaying.Itlinklebe-
lieved he was a slow in and of limself, you know wlat I am
saying:Sotlerelewas,stumblingdrunkenlyfromlallwayto
lallway,followedbyagaggleofdumb-asslookers,eaclone
lookingmorelaggardanddisastroustlantlelast.Itlinkle
84 covvv :viov
wastrulyenjoyinglimself,unglisinvisibletailfeatlersup
liglerandligleruntilyoucouldnotevenseearoundlisen-
tourageofpuresuck.Heseemedtobelappy,atleastaslappy
astlisparticularrascalcouldbe,andLenmadeitknownintle
loudestvoicelecouldmustertlatanyonewloladaproblem
witltlewayleorlisbitcleswereacting,tleycouldsayitto
lisface.
Asluckwouldlaveit,lewasstandingrigltnexttomewlen
lewasnisled.
IaskedlimifleneededadrinkandLensneeredatme,bark-
ingoutboozeordersforlimselfandlisslittylarem.Tlenle
turnedaroundasifleweredonewitlme.ButIwasnotdone
witllim.Iturnedlimaroundwitlacalmlandandtoldlim
tlatifleandlisrent-a-slutswantedsometlingtodrink,le
couldmakeliswaytotlebarsetupintlecateringarea.He
laugledandsaid,Iamnotgoinganywlere!Wloareyou:
Isaid,Iamtleguykickingyououtofmyfuckingslow.
Witltlat,foursecurityguardslledintleemptyareabelind
Len.Hisbimbosdidnotknowwlattodo,sotleyleft.Lenstood
tlere,gettingmoreandmoreredintleface.Hetlrewlislead
back and let out every vain clicl you can tlink of: Do you
knowwloIam:IcandowlatIwant,Iamaguest!Ican
laveyourfuckingjobs!Tlerewasmore,butIwillspareyou
tlestupiddetails.Suceittosay,lewasangrybecausepeople
weretreatinglimlikearegularpersonatarockslow.Buttle
factsaretlatitwasnotlisbandplaying,sole was aregular
personatarockslow.SoIladsecuritytlrowlisfuckingass
outofmyslow.Tleywerealsoinstructednottoletlimback
in,nomatterwlotriedtocountermandtleorder.Tlemoral
oftlestoryiswatclwloyoufuckwitl,youarenotalwaysin
yourterritory,evenifyoutlinkyouare.
LenlasagoodexcusetoactliketleSultanofSlitIguess.
HewasaonceA-List,becameaB-List,nowresidessomewlere
betweenD-andF-Listcelebritylood,andlefelttlatbecause
lefeltlewasinliselement,lecouldgetwaywitlit.Tlen
again,itwasmyownvanitytlattriggeredmyanger.SoIguess
Iamjustasmuclafuckleadaslewas.ButlikeIsaid,itwas
myslow.Riglt:No:Aw,slit.Honestly,Ijustwantedtoprove
apoint.ImeanIwas inL.A.,andtlatplaceisfraugltwitlfriv-
olousfeeling.Sotolellwitltleoverabundanceofunderacliev-
ers,tlisslouldbeaworldwleretloseofuswitltlestrengtl
andtalentgoexactlywlerewewantasfastasourdreamscan
carryus.TlebestquoteIeverleardwasKevinSmitltalking
aboutlowpeoplegetaleadinL.A.:InL.A.,peoplejustfailup-
ward.Tlatispainfullyaccurateanditmakesmesick,butIam
stillleresoitcannotalwaysbetlatway.Tlereisstillacontin-
gentofdiscontentswlowouldratlergltforeverycrumbtlan
wlinefortleleftovers.Slitmayrolldownlill,butwlenevery-
onelasgas,youcansmelliteverywlereonceitrises.
Metallicaareaperfectreasontonevergiveuplope.Tleyare
oneoftlegreatestandmostconsistentlycreativebandsontle
planet. Sure, you may not agree witl some of tle musical
cloicestleylavemadeevenIwasscratclingmyleadabout
HerooftleDaybuttleyladtledrive,tleintelligence,and
tlefuckinglugeballstodowlattleywantedwitltleircareer.
Ol,andonemoretling,youwouldbelard-pressedtonda
bandtlatdoesmorefortleirfanstlantleydo.Tleyarestill
brilliant,evenalltleseyearsafterIrstdiscoveredtleminmy
friendCleSclmittsbasement,andtleystilllavetlefucking
ballstosayanddowlattleywant.
Dad:
Yes,son:
86 covvv :viov
WlenIgrowup,IwanttobeinMetallica!
Suretling.Didyoutakeouttletrasl:
Wlatisitaboutfatlersandtraslday:Iknow,youdonot
lavetoremindme.Iamaboutsixyearsfromtlatverysame
conversationwitlmykids.Tlatisnewitlme.Ilookforward
toit.

Irony,asalways,surroundseacloftleso-calledDeadlySins.
AsIlavesaid,rageisfairlyfunny.Envyandgreedleaveyouwitl
notling,andgluttonyleavesyoulungryformore.Lustllsus
witlemptiness,andslotltakesmoreefforttlanyoucouldever
imagine.Vanitymakesusugly.Itleavesyoualoneinamultitude.
Itwlispersuntilallyouleararepoisontongues.Itwilldestroy
everytlingyoulaveuntilyouareengulfedinasles.Itwilltwist
yourlopeintoamurderofcrows.Tlenitwillpeckyoureyes
outsoyoucanseenotling.
Fuckme,tlatwasleavy.Maybeitisasinafterall.Nope,Im
stillnotconvinced:)ustbecauseitmakesusactlikeselslcow-
ardsdoesnotmeanweareselslcowards.Wemusttakere-
sponsibility for our actions at some point, or someday soon
tlerewillbenotlinglefttoblame.Humansareemptyglasses
witlvastreservoirsofendurance.Wecanbeatanytlinginour
way,aslongassomeonestandsintlewayoftlemirrortodis-
tractus.Wearesocaugltupinourselves.Betweenpuslingup
cleavageandwettingdowncowlicks,itisawonderwelavetime
towipeourselvesproperly.St.)udeistlepatronsaintoflost
causes.Butnocauseislostiftlereisstillonepersondevoted
toit.So)udemigltaswellbetlepatronsaintofusall.
Tledevoutarevainintlinkingtleyknowanybettertlanwe
do.Imean,letsfaceit:Weareallmiceontlewleeljusttrying
togetalickfromtlatinfernalwaterbottle.)ustbecausetley
believe tley lave tle Bat number to tle Bat plone wired to
CodspalaceinFortLauderdale,tlatdoesnotmeantleylave
anymoreanswerstlanwedo.Tleyjustpretendtleydo.Cood
fortlem.IlopetleygettlatpartintleWendyscommercial.
Iwillalwaysbefascinatedandrepulsedbytlissultrysense
ofpersonality.IguessifIwerealittlebitslallowandalittleless
lungry,IwouldnotbeaddictedtoKFC.ButasterribleasIfeel
afterward,IlovetletlingsIloveandtlatistlat.Doingwlatis
rigltbyyouisaslipperyslopetodoingrigltbyotlers,andtlat
isapointofviewtletrulyself-obsessedcannotabideby.Help-
ingandslaringnotbecauseyouareoncamerabutbecauseyou
wanttodosometlingforotlersisjustaboutasfarfromtle
vanitytrainasyoucanget.Sotellme:Wlatisstoppingtlem:
Itlinkiftleyladonepurestimuluscrosstleiremotionalcom-
pound,tleywouldbeforcedtosendtleguardsinwitldogs
andmace.Tleabilitytodropwlateveritisyouaredoingand
climeinforyourneiglborisaluxurytlesociopatlscannotaf-
fordwitlanycreditcardintleirdeck.Ittakestoomucloutof
tlem to do sometling so small, and tlat makes tlem small
people.Andtlerearesmallpeopleeverywlere.
Youwouldtlinktleywouldfeelbad,butyouassumetley
feel.Youwouldtlinktleywouldtrytocorrecttleircourse,but
youassumetleycare.Tlisisnotlingmoretlanaclocktlat
worksandreadsbackward.)ustwlenyoutlinktlealarmwill
wake most of us up, it lulls you back to sleep. Tle Beautiful
Onestley lurt you every time, as Prince once sang. Tleir
mindsweremadeuptlesecondsomebodygavetlemnegative
approval. Tlings like malice and vindication are not even in
tleirlittleblackbooksagain,youassumetleycare.Tleydo
not.Tleyareonlyinterestedinwlatstepsinsidetleirone-foot
88 covvv :viov
byone-footdiameter.Inotlerwords,iftleyarenotexclusive,
tleyarenotincluded.
Tlen again, times and people clange, but tle world never
does.Itkeepsspinning,nomatterwloitrevolvesaroundintlat
moment.Somyadviceissimple:Donotwasteyourbreatluntil
youseetlewlitesoftleirags.Ittakestoomucltodealwitl
tlem,evenmoretopitytlem,andexactly$25moretopayfor
anytlingtleyinvolveyouin.Youlaveenougltoworryabout.
Let tle pretty people talk tlemselves into debt for a clange,
lul:Morelasbeenmadeoutofless,andtleyarewalking,talk-
ing,fuckingproof.Iwillwaitforty-veminutesformosttog-
ureitout,tlenIleaveituptotlem.Butitwasalwaysupto
tlem.Ijustlettlemtrytogureitoutwitlsomeonearound
tleyalwaysdotleirbestworkwlensomeoneispayingatten-
tion. Tlat is vanity, riglt tlere: If you are looking, tley are
leroes.Tleminuteyouturnaway,youaretreatedlikealooker
on ler birtldayyou look like slit and you never clanged
clotles. Trust your instincts, lail Mary, and remember one
tling: We all look tle same after eiglt slots of )ack Daniels,
eventleoneswloneverclangedtlatmuclfromslotnumber
one.
Wlattimeyougot,bartender:
5
Thr ee- Toed Sl ot h
Slotl . . .
Areyoufuckingkiddingme:
Slotl:
HewastleguyfromThe Goonies witltlecrookedfaceand
fucked-upclick-lets,riglt:
Sloth!
IcannotbelieveIevenlavetowritetlisfuckingclapter,let
alonedefendit.
Sigl.
Okay,lerewego. . . .
Slotlfortlelaymanislaziness,albeitextremelaziness.Some
migltsayitismorecomplicatedtlantlat.Butreallyitismerely
beinglazy.Itistlatsimple:noweapons,nodrugs,nofucking . . .
justlayingtlere.Itisdoingnotling,pure,unadulteratedtrue-
blue sweet sassy American notling. It is tle vacuum of tle
lumanpropensityforinnovation,tleotlerendofbusy.Slotl
91
chapter
isabsenceinattendance.Slotlistleleeclontleleartofinge-
nuity.HealsolovedClunkandlelpedstoptleFratellis,wlicl
was kind of leartwarming because le was a Fratelli, but le
lelpedtlekidsgetawayandleldtlerocksotlekidscouldes-
capeand . . .
IfIwerearealman,Iwouldleaveyouwitltenblankpages.
Ormaybejusttypetlisoutusingonlyonenger.Icouldtake
picturesofmyselfdoingsoasproof.Holylivingfuck,tlatwould
takemeforever.Iwouldlavetocancelallkindsofslit,likemy
fencingandclogdancingclasses.Idonottlinktlatisanoption,
Iamall-stateinclogdancing.Butimagineit,meinallmyglory,
lyingprostrateonmybed,curledupinmySpidermanUnderoos
andmyleopard-printSnuggie,aimlesslypunclingtlekeyswitl
myindexnger,orbetteryetmymiddlenger.Tlatissome
slotlfulslit.ButbecauseIamaloquaciousblowlard,Iwillrant
forawlile.IdidnotearntlenicknameCreatBigMoutlfor
notling,andley,atleastIamnotbeinglazy.SoIguessIwill
putsomefuckingpantsonandgettowork.
Tlisisoneoftloseconceptstlatjuststraigltbotlermeon
botlsidesoftledebate.Ononeland,yes,itisnotgoodtobe
awistfulfuckwitlnodriveandnodreams.Ifwewerealljust
slovenly pigs, we would lave been conquered by aliens or at
leastbyCanadayearsago.Alaskawouldjustbeanotlerfrozen
provinceneartlePacicOcean.Butontleotler,wlatiswrong
witldoingdickwitlyourtimeeverynowandtlen:Areweex-
pectedtobeseminalbroke-backcreaturesofindustry,trying
franticallytograbadeepbreatltosavorbeforegoingbackto
tlegrind:Andwlyisitadeadlysin:Wlyisitsuclaturnoff
toturnofftleenginesonceinawlile:Wlocanyoupossibly
lurtbyrunningonreservepower:
Tleargumentcanbemadetlatbeinglazydoesnotlingfor
tlepeoplearoundyouandyourfamilybyandlarge.Youcan
92 covvv :viov
alsosaytlattleworldisamuclbetterplacebecausepeople
getoutoftleirlabitualloles.Astlesayinggoes,idlelandsare
tle devils playtlings. So by virtue of listlessness, diabolical
comeuppancecanreallyonlycomefromdo-notlingness.Now
personally,Icouldnotgiveafatstedladyonpay-per-viewif
someonecloosestobeslotlfulornot,justaslongasmyFrencl
friesareintlebagwlenIexittledrive-tlrougl.Butsometake
ittoaleveltlatrequiressomuclefforttlatitcannotbecon-
sideredslotlfulnessbyitsverydenition.LikeBillCosbysaid,
Ittakeslardworktokeepfromworking.IfDaddyHuxtable
saidit,tlatisgoodenouglforme.
Soletsstartwitlalltleinventivetlingstlatwewouldnot
laveinourliveswitloutalittlekind-leartedslotltoplaywitl:
lammocks, La-Z-Boys, waterbeds, motorized Rascals, tlose
grabby tlings tley make for people witl slort arms, mi-
crowaves,beerlats,LazySusans,tlatnew-fangledsetofnger-
nail clippers tlat las more attaclments tlan a Swiss Army
knife,extravaluemeals(actually,fastfoodingeneralwouldonly
beaworkingmotlerswetdream),autotuning,automatedcar
waslesAreyoustartingtoseeapattern:Witloutasenseof
slotl, tle remote control would not exist. Witlout slotl, we
wouldallbebusydoingstandard-issuelorseslitwitltimetlat
could be better spent text voting for tle next American Idol
dipslit.
And yet people are lorried by inactivity. Tley condemn
tloselay-aboutfuckerswlotakealoadoffanddotleirvery
besttoappearbusyatalltimes,byanymeansnecessary.Isit
tlatfriglteningtobedoingfuckall:Idonotunderstandit,but
Ilaveanotleroneofmycontroversialtleorems.Andmucllike
RaymondClandler,itjustmigltblowtlelidoffoftliskooky
littlemystery.Iusedtleverybestteclniquesandteclnologyto
cometotliseartl-slatteringlypotlesis:sillyputty,moonsand,
andtloseblowpensyoucanorderonCartoonNetwork.Before
yousayanytling,mysonlefttlatslitout,andinsteadofclean-
ing it up, I put it to work. Do not judge me. Anyway, after
crunclingalltledata,tlisiswlereIamontlesubject.
Ibelievetlisallstartedwitlcomfypajamas.
Tlinkabouttloseniceandbeat-upannelP)bottomsyoure-
serveforSaturdaymorningcoffeeandSundaygamedays.Tlere
isnoonemoremalleabletolittleornomovementtlanaperson
juststraigltclillingintleirjammy-jams.Ilavetosay,tlatslit
isappealingasallgetout.Allyouneedaftertlatisarobemade
ofdeadtowelsandslipperstlatwereoncestuffedanimals.Luck-
ilyIlavebotl.Iamnottryingtoputdownyourpersonalsleep-
wear in tle sligltest, as tlere are many advantages to laving
underwearandpantsmadeoftlesamefabric.Butannel,cor-
duroy,terryclotltlesetlingsarebuiltbyBuddla,truly.Please
donotplotanyrecriminationsagainstmeafterall,youguys
aretleonesdeckedoutleadtotoeinunderpants,man.
Honestly,tleoriginsoftlissinareverysimple.Inancient
times,peoplewereexpectedtoworkallweekandrestontle
Sabbatl,orSunday.Weweremeanttotillandsowsunupto
sundown,makingmorefortlerestofustopassabout.Tlese
weretledayswlenburningbuslesspoketolippiesandittook
avillagetoraiseanidiot.CodforbidyoutriedtotakeaTuesday
offtowatclyourkidsBocceBallgame,orwlatevertleyused
toplayintle1960s(tlatwasbeforemytime).Nevermindifit
was because you were proud of tle outt your meager wife
stitcledtogetlerusingnotlingbutbarkandrock.Tleywould
moretlanlikelycastyououtasawitclor,worseyet,aliberal.
Sotlerootsofslotllayintlevirtuesofmeniallabor,Iguess.It
seemslikesocialjudgmentknowsnotimeline.
But my argument is tlat tlis is just not a modern-day sin.
Slotl las gone tle way of Friendster and eiglt-track tapes.
94 covvv :viov
Tlesedaysnoonecanreallybeslotlful,cellplonesareleasles
andteclnologyleavesnostonesunturned.Tlereisnowlereto
lidetoday.Tlereareonlyplacestocatclyourbreatl.Hell,even
peoplejustsittingontleirassaredoingsometling.Lookatme
forinstance:sittingonmybigleatlercouclwritingabooktlat
most of you motlerless slits will most likely download and
dumponyourKindles.ButIambusynonetleless.Andyouwill
allbebusygettingnerdyforsometlingyoucouldveryeasily
lavegoneoutandbougltwitlacoffeeatabookslop.Youwill
beonlineorreceivingscanstlatcomedirectlytoyourlome
faxmaclineortextingortweeting,wlatevertlefucktlatslit
means.Yousee,weareallalittlebitbusiertlanCodexpected
wewouldbe.Tlisworldlasgonesoutlofcrazyandnortlof
ordinary.Tlisspinningbluemarbleisafuckingclaoticantlill,
andIcanalmostbetontlefacttlatmosteveryoneisdoinglis
orlerparttofeedtlecollective.Astleblankpartsoftlemap
werebeingcoloredin,wewereconnectingournetworkofdots
tosupportagrowingneedtogetslitdone.
Slotlintlisdayandagerequiresmoreexpendedenergytlan
beingslotlfulqualiesfor.Itmeanscancelingallkindsofslit:
appointments,work,anykindofsportsactivityyoumigltbe
involvedin,adate,awax,alappyendingitalllastogoifyou
wantanannualSlotlDay.Okay,maybenottlelandjobtlat
canonlymakeyousleepyandimproveyourslotlfulnessbut
everytling else must go. It becomes a re sale for tle next
twenty-fourlours.Andtlat,justbydenition,makesitany-
tlingbutslotl.Wlentlelandsattleendofyourwristsno
longerknowcontrolorrestraint,youareneitlerslotlfulnor
well.YouareatoolfortlegristofCod.OrSamwlateveryour
bosssnamelappenstobe.
I work constantly. Wlen I am not working, I am trying to
raise my kids. Wlen I am not raising future anarclists, I am
workingonotlerpeoplestomfoolery.Mycycleispoweredby
jetfuel.Heyman,youjustneverknowwlentlequartersare
going to run out wlile you are riding tle electronic eleplant
outsidetletoystore.Slotltomeisnotasin,butitisquiteof-
fensive.Tlesimplemattertlatsomepeoplecannotndatleast
a little bit of sometling to do witl tleir time is a miraculous
travestytome.IfIwerenotabletodoasmuclasIcouldwitl
tletimeIlave,Iwouldgostircrazy.Youwouldndmeslav-
ingmynutsintlefountainbytleairportyouknow,tleone
tle employees all smoke around. My compulsion may come
fromseriousclildloodissues,butIrefusetoassumetlattlis
couldlastforever.WlenIdie,Iwanttoleavebelindenougl
proofsopeoplerememberIwasaliveintlerstplace.Higl-
ve your nearest coworker because tlat is true immortality.
Tle price of slotl is tle seat nearest tle door to tle linen
closet.
So,becauseofmymanicfranticstateofpanic,Ilavespent
tlebetterpartoffourteenyearstraveling.Ispendstupendous
amountsoftimeonplanes,buses,cars,trains,ferries,andotler
formsoftransportation.Iworkonalloftleabove.Ilavebe-
cometleever-presentcocksmearontleplane,tleguywlo
laslisslitreadybeforeleevengetstosecurity.Soslotldoes
notexactlynditselfsusceptibletogrowtlintlePetridisltlat
ismylife.Imovetoofasttolettlemossgatlermomentum.My
temptationismore work.AndIamstilltryingtogureoutwlat
tlelelliswrongwitlme.Idonotforeseeanytestresultsintle
nearfuture.
Iusedtocomplainabouttoomuclwork.Nowmyvoracity
knowsnobounds.IwilldrivemyselfintotlegroundbeforeI
allowmyselftogettoocomfortableontlecoucl.Besides,too
many of my friends lave broken my furniturewly do you
96 covvv :viov
tlinkIamwritingtlisfuckingbookinmykitclen:Anyway,va-
cationsareniceandtlereisalwaystimetowatclDexter,butif
Iamnotworkingtowardfteengoalsatonce,Iamnotalappy
camper. In fact, it drives me bat slit wlen I could be doing
sometlingandIamnotabletoforwlateverreason.Funeral
lomesslouldreallylaveWi-Fi,IamsureIamnottleonlyone
wlotlinkstlatorwlolascomplainedtotleowneraboutit.
HowamIsupposedtospendmytimewlilepeoplearepraying:
Icouldbereplyingtoe-mails!
Yettlerearestillpeoplewitldefeatistattitudesandlackof
willwlotlinklifeowestlemafavor.Lifeowesyounotling,
you owe yourself everytling. I learned tlat slit on my own
walkinglomefromsclooloneday.Tlereisnoguaranteeyou
willbearoundtomorrow.Tlewleelsofarickslawcouldyoff
andtakeoutyourentireface,leavingyoulookinglikeyoulosta
gltwitlarabidbadger.Youcouldwakeupintlemorningand,
wlileyouarestillgroggy,accidentallybruslyourteetlwitltoi-
letbowlcleaneryouarejustgettingaroundtoscrapingtleeye
boogersoutofyourocularsandnowyouaredeadinareally
stupidway.AnytlingispossibleinaworldtlattakesSaralPalin
tlisseriously.Sogetoffofyourass,takeaslower,andxtlat
fuckingcabinetdoorintlebatlroom!

BeingamanandstudyinglistorytlewayIlave,itseemstlat
carrying a concealed penis meant you were just expected to
workfromdayone.Notimeforslotlwlenyouaredoingtle
jobsoftenAmislbarnburners,riglt:Womenlaveladtleir
slare of clores but not until tle last eiglty years lave tley
takenitupontlemselvestoleanintoapitclortwosowecan
laveatleastonepersononbase.Iknow,fortlelongesttime
men frowned on tlis and even legislated terms tlat kept
womenincleck.Menareterriedofclangeandtleycannot
landleitwlenEtlylcandoanytlingtleycando.Buttlatdid
notlingtoclangetlefacttlatmenareexpectedtoworkfora
livingandwomenaregiventleoption.Youfougltlard,ladies:
LigltupaVirginiaSlimandcelebrate.Foryou,itwasabattle
forequality,respect,andaclancetobuildsometlingforalife-
time. For guys notling clanged. Tlere was no empatly for
men,wedidnotloldralliesorsupportparadestlatresounded
witltleideatlatifwomenwanttoworktlenmenslouldget
adayoff.Totlisdaywearestillgeneticallyandsociallypres-
sured to do wlatever is necessary, to put in tle time and tle
effort.
IamarmbelieverinequalrigltsandIlaveseenrstland
tlatwomenareoftenmorecapabletlanmenwlenitcomesto
beingpreparedforanytling.Wlilewomenweregltingfortle
riglttostandandbecounted,menwerejustglting.Menare
tlemulesofourspeciesandwomenaretledrivers,tlelerders,
tle overlords of a world in dire need of direction. I am very
proudoftleleapswearetakingtobringtlesexeslead-to-lead
ontleplayingeld.Itisjustaslametlattlelardworktlat
mostmenlaveputinforyearslasgoneunnoticed.
Ilavenoticedsinslavenopotencywitloutvesselsofaction.
Tlestrangetlingistlatwlentlesesinsareusedincombina-
tions,tleyaresomuclmoreaggressive.Ourforebearersmiglt
lave known tlis, but tley sure as lell did not put it in tleir
book.Soyouarelefttryingtodotlematl,andtlatleavesyou
witl5050OxyiCotton.Coodtimesonweakwingsywlile
youcanbecausetlerideisnotcleap.Tlerearelayerstocakes
andlaborstoocleaptomention.Ifyoudonotlavetlesavvy
98 covvv :viov
toknowwlicliswlicl,youarecertainlygoingtoearntlescar
onyourmoutl.Telltlemyoucutyourselfslaving.
Backtomypoint:Envyandgreedcanbreedeitlerclampions
ormartyrs.LustandragecanmakeyouamonsterorDon)uan.
Assucl,slotlwitlaninfusionofgluttonysimplygivesbirtlto
drug addicts and wastes of esl. I truly believe tlat slotl is
larmlesslefttoitsowndevices.Butintandemwitlotlerforces
itcancausedamagesnoteverimaginedorexperienced.Slotl
andragemakesanexpert.Slotlandgreedmakesabrotler-in-
law.Slotlandlustwillleaveyousurngporninabasementwitl
aneckbeardandapoopsock,botleringyourmotlertobuy
morePop-Tartstlenexttimeslelitstlegrocerystore.Inalot
ofways,itisagatewaysin:Itleadsyouawayfromtleground-
workoftleoriginalproblemandsetsyouinclainsagainsta
backdropdesignedforpenanceandslame.Youcanlavetle
bestintentionsintleworld,butifyoudonotling,youarenotl-
ing.Itisalarslglaretosledtlatkindofliglt,butinmyleart
tlat is pure reality for me. How does tle quote go: Evil tri-
umplswlengoodmendonotling.Tlisistledownsidetotle
longevityofslotl.Itisanexitonaliglwaytlatleadstotle
worstpartsoftown.
Likevanity,slotlcanbeanenablingtypeofviraldistress,a
wayoflifetlatiswayoffcourse.Itisasimplecaseofstrong
peopleforgettingtleirnutsacksontlecorneroftledresser
beforetleyleavetlelouseintlemornings.Itcantakeaway
fantastictlougltsandreplacetlemwitlconsumertaglines.A
mindisleftbereftwlenitisnotlingmoretlanatoolofregur-
gitation.Youlavetotlinkforyourself,butwealllavetobe
tauglttodoso,andifyouarenotpayingattention,youwillpay
foritlater.Slotlsblindeyeisyourdeafeningsilence,toucltle
stonesbeforeyougosoyoulaveluckpullingyourselfoutof
lell.Weareonlywlatweallowourselvestobe.Iftlereisno
permission,tlereisnopursuit.TleonlylellIrecognizeistle
onewebuildwitlourowntwolands,andtlatisajobevena
slotlfulpersoncanlandle.
Butsinsdonotsinfortlemselves.Tleyarejusttlesubjects
toourpredicates,tlemysterycreaminourOreos.Wecanbe
badallonourown,butweneedsomeoneelsetotalktlecops
outofgivingusaticket.ItistlelabitoftleClurcltondnew
scapegoatsforouractions.Maybetlatwastlewlolereason
tleywereputinclargetobeginwitlsotleycouldndus
waystoalleviatelowfuckedwefelt.Hey,itmakessense:Iftlere
isagroupofpeoplewlocancreatesavorymytlsoutoftlinair,
itistleClurcl.Butifweallsetourfeetontlegroundandtook
tlebeatingonceinawlile,wewouldseeitisjustmoreevidence
ofwlatwedo.Humanbeingsfuckupalltledamntime,soget
fuckingusedtoit.SaveyourcomplaintsIamtleDMVofgiv-
ing a squeaky slit about your troubles. Life sucks, so grab a
strawandsuckit.
Ibelievelowwefeelisjustasresponsibleaswlowearewlen
itcomestowlatwedo.Depressioncanllourlungswitllead
andburyusaliveunderamountainofennui.Dwellingonpast
mistakesgetsyounowlereinataxiwleretlemeterneverstops
running.Ioncespentawloleweekinmypajamabottoms,tetl-
eredtomycoucl,readytoletoxygenofftlelook.Ididnot
wanttomove,Ididnotwanttobreatle,Ididnotwanttofeel,
andIdidnotwanttotlink.Ijustwantedtowallowinmybull-
slituntilsomeonecametotaketlepainaway.TletlingIdid
notrealizewastleonlypersonwloladtlepowerandwlere-
witlaltodoso,ironicallyenougl,wastleonelivinginlispa-
100 covvv :viov
jamabottomsandwastingtimeontlecoucl.Fortloseofyou
not paying attention, tlat person was me. Since tlen I lave
neverletmyselfgettoofaroffoftlereservation.ItakewlatI
cananddumptlerestbeforeitgetsoverwlelming.Lifewill
giveyoubucketsofbloodsometimes,enougltodrownyour
sorrowsbuttoomucltooaton.Soyoulavetondawayto
painttlewallswitlwlatisleftover.Youlavetoemptytlevats
beforeitbecomestoomuclbecauseweallknowitisperennial.
Itneverstops,soneverstoptrying.
Bytleby,Iamawaretlatsomepeoplegltoffanyslotlful
traitswitlplarmaceuticals,clemicals,andbarbiturates.Iam
verylappytoreportIlavenoneedforanyoftlesedangerous
stimuli.AllIneedisapotofcoffeeapotofcoffee,amoutl-
piece,andatranquilizergunforwlentlefrotlbecomestoo
muclfortleroommates.Tlrowontlejavaandwatclmego.
Icanwadetlrouglmymusingslikeanarmoredtankdivision.
Iladmyllofuppersandcokeinmyteens.Ilefttletlrillsof
tle7percentsolutionintledeatltlroesofmyyoungadult-
lood.Besides,ifyoulaveacravingforadrugtlatkillsyourbon-
ersanddrivesyoubananaslit,youlavemoreproblemstlan
ndingwaystollyourdancecard,friend.Wlattlelellareyou
going to do witl your time: Beat up monks and dry lump
Clryslers:Doesanyoftlatmakeany sensetoanyone:Iwould
ratlerbeboredforalittlewliletlanselloutmytendersfora
pick-me-up.Iamnaturallylyperaswell,soIamallset.Wlata
super-fuckedsituationtondyourselfin:allsprucedupandno
onetoblow.Makeminemassive,becausetlereareworsetlings
tolavetodealwitltlanyourownimagination.Itisjustaques-
tionoflowlongittakesforyourscrotumtopullapartlikeatire
patclset.Tlatsone)ustSayNoadIwouldkilltodirect.
But I am just one guy witl an overactive adrenalin gland.
Tlerearenouniversalrulestolowabodyworks.Maybesome
ofyoudo needafewextralandstogettlatboostforaction.
You run tle risks in a race against yourself. You just lave to
knowwliclwaytlestarterpistolispointingsoyoudonotget
yourfaceblownoff.Infact,mostpeoplewlogetaleadlave
notdoneslittodoso.Lookatmostcelebrityclildren.Now,I
amverysensitivetotlisbecauseIlaveclildrenofmyownand
Iknowsomedaytleymigltsufferintliscomparativeliglt.But
mostotlerfamousbroodsfuckingbaskinitandarejustne
doingnotlingmore.Civetlematrustfundandalifetimeof
margaritasandtleyareallsetnowantorneedtocontribute
totlelumancollective.WitlenouglcoverageonTMZandE!
Entertainment,tleymakesuretlattleworldasawlolecovets
tleirrealityslowaswell.Butlaveyouevernoticedlowevery
realityslowlasanarmyofproducersmakingsuretlereality
isexciting:Tlesepeoplecannoteventakecareoftleirown
liveswitloutadirectortotelltlemlowtoslit.
Sobetweenslotlandenvy,tleseluckyfuckslaveitmade.I
wonderiftleirmotlersrealizelowclarmedtleirvaginasare.
Tleyspitoutnouveauricleknock-offslikeyeastinfections.In
tlegalacticcrapsloot,tleywintlebigbearnoonecangetin
tlebackseatoftleircars.Itmustreallybeaburdentobeborn
witleverytlingandleftwitlverylittle.MostriclpeopleIknow
areuninterestingpilesoflavoc.Tleonlyrealtlingtleylave
everladtoexperiencewasbeingclastisedfortryingtosteal
moneyfromawislingwell,tleywereconvincedallmoneywas
tleirs.
WlatreallyclapsmyIrislassiswlentleseslotl-bucklers
lavetleaudacitytocomplainwlenpeopletrytofuckwitltleir
102 covvv :viov
ride:Ol,myproblems,myproblems.Howaboutyougetoff
of your dead asses and do a decent days fucking work for a
clange, you ungrateful dick smokers: Wlen you are living a
gildedlife,wlatintlelelldoyoulavetocomplainabout:Sit
inyourfuckingcagesandsluttlefuckup.Well,Iguessmyrage
isaringup,anditcouldbetleHerculeanamountsofcoffeeI
lavebeencluggingsincetlismorning.ButevenifIwasnot
jackeduponFrenclroast,Iwouldstillbeadamantaboutmy
latredfortlesejackasseswlocannotseemtoraiseupenougl
to keep from sitting on tleir own lands. Tle fact tlat tley
decrytlosewlolaveworkedlard,ifnotlarder,tlannotonly
tlemselves,butmoretlanlikelytleirownparentsisenougl
formetowanttokisstlemontleforeleadswitlabaseballbat.
Sopassanotetotlosewliningdildos:Dosometlingwortlour
admirationandmaybewewillgiveyouacall.Untiltlattime,
gofuckyourlivingselves.
Yeal,Ilavesomeissues.Sowlat:AtleastIambusy,riglt:I
ameverybitasbadastleapplesIamjuicing.Youwillneverget
metoadmititincourt,tlougl.Tlereissometlingtobesaid
aboutstillrecognizingyourownstink,ifyougetmydrift.)ust
becauseIempatlizedoesnotmeanIsympatlize.Tlesepeople
neversleptontlestreet.Tleyneverategarbage,andtleynever
livedtlrouglacoldnigltintleirentirelives.Donotexpectme
togivearosyredclitrubbingifoneoftleirtroplypetsdiesor
tleirfaketangoesfrombrowntoklaki.Iwouldnotclumtle
Pacicwitltleirleftoverstodrawinslarks.Iftlatmakesmea
badperson,tlenfuckyeal,givemealltleblackclotlingyou
gotandadamselindistresstotietosomerailroadtracks.Nal,
tlatistoodatedIwilljustrunoverwitlarentedSegwayany
skinnystupidblondedebutanteswlogetinmyway.
Iamtleotlerendoftleswimmingpool.IamtlereasonI
cannot sleep at niglt. Wly do tle freeloaders botler me so
mucl:MaybeitisbecauseIlaveneverclaimedmoretlanI
laveearned.MaybeitistlatIcannotandprobablywillnever
relatetoalifespentinalmostutterabsentia.AllIlaveknown
inmylifeisworkandprogress.AllIlavebeenslownistlat
youmustmakeyourselfalegendinordertoscratclyourname
ontleCreatOak.Sowlenentitledmoronsgettlrownbook
dealsandmovierolesandunmeritedpraise,Ilangmyleadand
gltbacktoomanyvicioustiradestocountonmyplalanges.
Wlen I see one of tlem embroiled in controversy, I feel tle
samewayIdowlenaKennedydies.Tlatmaybealittledark,
butIlavenotlingincommonwitlalierarclytlatlidesbelind
moneytofundalifestyletlatisdebased,tawdry,andcounterfeit
totlecore.Wecandobetter,oratleastwecanlopeforbetter.
Tleycannot:Tleyarestuckbeinggold-plated,dim-witted,and
asinine.Youwouldlavetlouglttlatwitlalltlatmoney,tley
couldlaveliredsomeonetotelltlemtlatmarryingcousins
doeswondersfortlegenepool.
IwislIknewafartjoketoligltentlemoodrigltnow,but
somuclforpatlos.TellyouwlatIwillgetagripwlentley
getaclue.WlattlefuckcantleytakefrommetlatIcannot
do witlout: I can play and sing on any street corner and
scroungeenougltobuyapackofsmokes.Icanscreammydi-
abolical diatribes at open-mike niglts to a packed louse of
sevenpeopleandbeokay.Wlatcantleytake:Tleycannot
takeanytlingfromme.SoIwillnevertakebackanytlingIlave
eversaid.Tlisismescaredslitlessanyquestions:
Maybetlatistlekey.Slotlplantsseedsofdoubtintlemost
fertileeldsofman.Ilavenodoubtsinmyabilitiesortalents.
104 covvv :viov
IamnotsayingIamcocksureorfullofmyself.Ijustknowwlat
Icando.SoIdoitalot.IdoitwletlerIgetpaidornot.Iam
anentertaineratdaysend,andaslongastlerearepeoplelining
uptoseemedowlateveritisIdo,wlotlelellamItoreston
laurelstlatcanwaituntilIaminrmandgray:Iwanttleworld,
andtlatdoesnotjibewitlslotlatall.Iamjustnotintunewitl
tlissin.Iamstillnotconvinceditisasin.Itisaludicrousplace
intlesoultlatjustwantstostakeaclaimandsitonit.Idonot
want to start sounding older tlan I am, but wlat tle lell is
wrongwitltlat:Istlatwlatweareleftwitlintliscountry:
Alordeofsliftlesswonderswlocannottietleirsloeswitlout
lookingituponCoogle:IdonotbuyitandIwouldliketoput
wloeverissellingitoutofbusiness.Oldfogiesgoonandon
abouttlegoodolddayswlenlonestyandsweatbuiltanem-
pirecalledtleUSA.IwislIladjustasinglememoryofanyof
tlattime,maybeifIdidIwouldnotbesoangry.Peoplealways
saytlattimesareclanging.Buttimedoesnotclangepeople
do.Timedoeswlatitlasalwaysdone,rollingoveruslikewaves
ofwarmwaterandsettingustosimmerinbatlsofinevitability.
Timeonlypointsusintlerigltdirection.Itwillnevermake
youmoveonyourown.
Ifsatisfactionistlemurdererofourdreams,tlenslotlsup-
pliestlepillowswesuffocateunderwlenwetrytolowerour
leadstorest.Itseemslikesuclalukewarmandlarmlesstling,
butslotlcanerodebonesfromtleinside.Itcanlarvestdead
wleatinalandofplenty.Itcanripustopieceswitltlesimplest
action, wlicl is doing notling wlatsoever. So to rally tle
troops,wemustcontrolourappetitesforluslextravagance.We
needtoremembertlataltlouglRomewasnotbuiltinaday,it
wasalsonotbuiltwitlprayersandwisles.Ittakespeopletodo
wlattlepeoplewant.Leaderscomeandgo,buttlereofour
will las burned down tle greatest obstacles of our lives. We
cannotgiveintocommonplaceworries.Welavetobewilling
tofaceourinstinctsandsorttlemwitlrationality.Tlebattles
ofourgenerationwillbefougltnotontlestreetsbutinour
minds,becausewlocaneverbeatusoneonone:
Sinslavestainedtleclotlsofroyaltyandruinedtleairwe
breatlefromtimetotime.Sinslavepulledapartropebridges
leftforescapeandleveledtletempleswedaredtoworslipin
back wlen we were a little bit different and a little more tle
same.Butbanalityislardlyasin.Beingbenignandfaltering
fromlackofuseisreallyjustanotlerremindertlatwearetlree
incles fartler away from eacl otler tlan tle last time we
stopped and talked. No effort means no more yaway lairs
standingonendinacrimoniousdisplaysofdisagreement.No
qualmsorslowsofdistastemeansnotsomuclbloodtoclean
fromourlandsandngernails.Howmanyspeciescansaywitl
asmuclbrutaltrutlaspossibletlatbynotsayingordoingany-
tling,tleyarekeepingusfromkillingeaclotler:
Ourproximitykeepsuslonest.Ourintentionskeepusstrangers.

WlenIwasyoung,wesatonstoopsandsangtleeveningsback
into tleir sloeboxes so as not to lose any stars. Apartment
buildings were brick villages, and around 5 p.m., tlose wlo
workedcamelomeandtlosewloplayedjoinedtlemforsome
air.Irememberbarbecuesanddiscussions,sociablesymmetry
onTlursdayniglts.Slotlwasusedtoenjoysunteaandpotato
salad until tle clicken was done. Slotl was grabbing a lawn
clairandtalkingabouttlepreseasonwitl1Aacrosstlelall
106 covvv :viov
and2Bupstairs.Tliswasnosin:Itwassiesta,awayofcoaxing
alittlemorelifeoutoflanguidloursandgoodcompany.Ifslotl
isdeadly,tlenjustplainlazywillputyouinacoma.Iowaisa
wonderfulplacefortlistypeofexemption.Wearetlemiddle,
butintlemiddleofnowlere.Weseemtobeapuncllineto
tleCoasts,butweweretlersttolegalizesamesexmarriage.
Tlewlolecountrygluesitselftoourdoorstepeveryfouryears
fortlecaucuses,wlerepoliticalbigwigswatcltleoutcomes
likestarvinglawksonadaypass.Sowemustbedoingsome-
tlingbettertlantleyare,liketurningslotlfulnessintoanex-
oticlobby.Iamablue-collarguywitlawlite-collarincome.
Iowagavemeappreciationforeverytling,includingtlerare
sparetimeIlave.
Sowlatdowedo:IsayweretireslotltotleVaticanlikea
superstarsnumberinlislomestadium.Tleycanlangitin
tleSistineClapelnexttoCodspointernger,asifleissaying,
Wow,rememberwlensometlingasboringasslotlwascon-
sideredoneoftlesevendeadlysins:IsureamgladCoreyTaylor
clearedupalltlatdoubtforus.My,leisalandsomefellow.He
trulyiscreatedinmyimage.Haveyouseenlisneck:Tletling
islikeatreetrunk,areyoufuckingkiddingme:Youwouldgo
tlrouglfouraxesbeforeyoumadeadent!Okay,maybetlatis
nottleconversationyourCodissaying,butmyCodcursesand
tlinksmyneckslouldbedeclaredanationaltreasure.No:Your
loss,people.
Anyway,wecoulddotleuntlinkableandmakeslotlanice
creamavor.Tletroublewouldcomewlennooneladtleen-
ergytotasteit.Wecouldsponsoracarinitslonor:tlenew
FordSlotl.Itwouldneversellalltlatwelltlougl . . .because
all it would do is idle!!!!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!! Tlatslitwasreal
asfuck!!Didyoureadtlat:Itwasamazing!!Youdonotlaveto
admitit.Iknowtletrutl.Tlatslitworkedontwodifferent
levelstotalandutterbrilliance!Ool,wecoulddiscoveranew
speciesofplantlifeandincorporateslotlintoitsLatintransla-
tion.Nowwejustneedtondafuzzylittleferntlatgrowsno
liglertlanafootofftleground,depletestlefoodandwater
allaroundit,andverywellcouldbelarvestedandmadeinto
stungfororganicpillows.Ipredictanewlotitemfornext
Clristmas.
Tlisisprovingtobetlelardestclaptertowrite.Imean,low
manydifferentwayscanyoubeclevertalkingaboutastateof
mindtlatisnotfarfromavegetativestate:Isupposetlereare
worsetlingstlatcouldlappen,liketleeartlsorbitcouldpull
Halleys Comet into our atmosplere and lammer it into tle
bedrockbeneatltleoceanoor,aslboilingdecilitersofsalt
water,creatingtsunamisandtidalwavesnotseensincetleeartl
wasforming.Betweentlecatastropliceffectsoftleinitialim-
pact and tle resulting slifts in polarity and plate activity, I
wouldgivetleeartlminutes,notdays.Intleeventtlattlat
slitlappens,tlisisexactlywlatIamgoingtodo:
Iamgoingtocorralmywife,myclildren,andanyotlerfam-
ilymembersstandingclosebyandgettlemtosafety.Iwill
tlengivemyclildrenlugsandkisses,grabmywifessweetsexy
ass,andleadforWal-Mart.Iwillpickouttlenicestlammock
available.Iamnottlatbigofasnobwlenitcomestodesigner
colors,butitlastobesupercomfyandultra-simpletosetup.
IwilltlenlelpmyselftofourTexasftlsofmyman,myfriend,
mysaucydancingpartner,Mr.)ackDaniels.Iwilltlenreturn
tomyfamilyswlereabouts,stringupmylammock,anddrink
untilimpact.)ustforgoodmeasure,astlatleavenlybodyof
108 covvv :viov
lorsefuckerisplummetingtowardmyplanet,Iamgoingto
drinkaslotoffofmywifesampleclestandiptlatsonofa
bitcloffasitlitstleground.MaybeIwillalsojumpintleair
asitislitting.
)esusstuffed-crabClrist,eveninano-winscenario,witlno
clanceofsurvival,Icannotrelaxenougltondawaytoeven
approaclbeingslotlful.Iamafailureatfallacies.IguessIam
justdoomedtobeonpoint,alltletime,tilltlatson-of-a-bitcl
fuckingcometgetslere.Yeal,Iknowitwillneverlappen,but
itisnottleonlytlinglurtlingtlrouglspace.Wearenottle
focalpointoftleuniverselell,wearenotevenanexitsign
fortleuniversalliglway.Wearemorelikeoneoftlepebbles
tleyusetocovertlesidesoftleroad.Tlatistlesizepropor-
tionwearedealingwitl:galacticsoapscumintlebigbatltub
intlesky.

Iamsittinglerewitlmycoffee,lookingattlevalleytlatmy
louseinL.A.sitsabove,watclingworkmenbuildtlreediffer-
ent lomes for people wlo, more tlan likely, are not even
around.Tlesemenlavebeendoingtlesejobsformontls:wak-
ingusupintlemorning,keepingusawakearoundnoon,in-
terrupting conversations in tle afternoon, startling us wlen
tleycomebackfromtleirlunclbreak,andimmediatelyusing
ajacklammer.Ifanytling,tlesemenareverycommitted.And
tlatisanaptmetaplorfortliswloleclapter.Tlesepeople
slowupdayin,dayoutandsettlemselvestoabackbreaking
task,surroundedbylousesfullofpeoplewloprobablymake
copiousamountsofmoneyfordoingalotofnotling.Tlese
men are on display in an open-air menagerie, adding a little
moretotlelandscapeandpayingcloseattentiontotleirarcli-
tecture.Tleydonotgiveaslitiftleywakeuslazyslitsupor
makeuslavetotalkalittleloudertoleareaclotler.Tleytake
prideintleirworkeventlougltleydoitalltletime,rainor
sline.
Tlerearemenandwomenjustliketlemallovertliscountry,
ineverycounty,everycity,andeverytownslipjustoutsidetle
capital.Tleydotletlingstleydobecausetleyarecarrying
onafundamentaltraditionandawayoftlouglttlatmanyare
convincedlasbeengonefromAmericaforaverylongtime.
TrustmeIlavebeentoeverystateintleUnionandIseemy
fellowAmericanslangingon.Norecessioncanbringusdown.
Nodepressioncanbreakourresolve.Tleremaybeapercentage
tlattlrowsofftlebellcurve,buttleprosfaroutnumbertle
cons:Tleprosaredoingmoreforabetterworldandtlecons
aredoingtimeforalifespentwasted.Slotlcanleadamanto
crime,butitdoesnotmeanlewillsteal.Slotlcanslowamans
progress,butitwillnotmakelimfall.Iflifeandlistorylave
provenanytling,itistlatmendowlattleywant.Somemen
cloosetofail.Tlankfully,mostmencloosetowin.
Inaplacetlatneedsconstantcareandtakessomuclenergy
tostrengtlen,slotlislefttoitsowndevicesbecauseitcannot
get a lold in tlis new world. We move forward on our own,
treating eacl step not witl tle mentality of a triage but as a
clessgame.Welivebetterbytlinkingtenstepsalead,antici-
patingeverycounter-moveandcelebratingeaclgain.SoIsay
wesendslotloutontlewaterandgiveittleVikingfuneralit
soricllydeserves.Itisalumantraittlatloldsnoswayover
tlismessofmemoriesanylonger.Ourwlitecellslavebeen
gltingtlisso-calledpestilencesincebeforewewereborn.)ust
becausetlegltisgettingeasier,tlatdoesnotmeanwelave
110 covvv :viov
wontletitle.Noneofusareimmunetotleallureofaloofness.
Wedonotknowwlerewearegoing,butwearepointedintle
rigltdirection.Tleclallengesarewlerewendourselves.Tle
obstaclesarenowsceneryfortlelongwalklome.Wecanover-
comeanytlingwewantbecauseourgreatestadvantageistlat
weareallalive,andaslongaswearealive,welaveeverytling.
Sopickupastick,smackattlegrass,andwlistleawlile.Tlere
isnosinintlat.
6
My Wat er l oo
Itisfunnylowtlingsworkoutsometimes.
Tlereareproponentswlomaintaintlatweareallproducts
oftwodifferentvariables:geneticsandenvironment.Tlisissay-
ingweareonepartwloweareborntobeandonepartwlat
weareturnedintotlrouglrelationslips,family,clildlood,and
tlerest.Ilappentoagree,tletlingswegotlrouglmakeus
wloweare.Ouryinsandyangsareusuallynotlingtoboast
about,butintlislife,beingextraordinarylastotakeacollision
oftalent,drive,andpassionmixedwitlacertainamountofdys-
functionandinsanity,analmost-perfectstormtlatmakesone
person a star and anotler just a plain old fuck up. In otler
words,ittakesalottobealot.
ButIwanttotakeitastepfartler.Inadditiontogenesand
surroundings,Ibelieveeveryoneintleworldlastwoplacesin
tleirlearts:tlecityyouareborninandtlecitytlatdenes
you.Formostpeople,itcouldbetlecitytleirparentsraised
113
chapter
tleminandtlecitywleretleywenttocollege.Forme,botl
wereintlesamestate.IwasborninDesMoines,Iowa,onDe-
cember8,1973.However,startingin1984,mysoulwasformed
inadarkerplace.
ComeoffHiglway29beforeyoulittletinylittlemix-master
overbytleCrossroadsMallandyouwillseeCreenwoodPark
attlelornofRiverForestRoad.Tledikebytleriveralmost
runs parallel, mirroring tle curve like a geograplical pair of
quotation marks. River Forest takes you to Lafayette Road, a
grayblacktopveintlatstretclestlrouglalmostfourtowns,
combiningtlemintoastraigltlineofmoroseloneliness,de-
spair,andintolerance.YoufollowLafayettetillyoulitdown-
towngutted,rusty,andclosedinonallsidesbybrokencement
andtragedy.Alongtlewayyouareassaultedbytleremnants
ofacitytlatusedtolaveapurposeuntiltlebusinessesmoved
away,leavingeconomicdevastationinitswake.Higlsclools,
railroadtracks,anddeadeyeswelcometoWaterloo.
Waterloo, Iowa, and its sister towns of Evansdale, Elk Run
Heiglts,andCedarFallsweretlebackdropoftleworstmo-
mentsofmylife.From)ewettElementaryalltlewayuntilmy
naldaysatEastHiglSclool,itwasacornucopiaofracism,
maliciousintent,andignoranttorrentsofpain.Icanstillfeel
tleevilintlemarrowofmyspine,mybones,andmysoul.I
was beaten in tlis town. I was raped in tlis town. I was de-
stroyedintlistown.Ialmostdiedintlistown.Iwaslatedin
tlistown.
SoIlearnedtolateitrigltback.
BeforeIgoanyfurtler,letmemakemyselfveryclear:Tlisis
notareectionoftlepeoplewlolivetlerenow.Ilavenotbeen
backinyearsandIamfairlyoutoftouclwitltlecurrentpop-
ulation.Iamquitecertaintlefolkswlomakeuptleold319
114 covvv :viov
tlesedaysareverylovely.No,myseetlinglatecomesfromtle
timeIspenttlere,andmydeep-seatedneedtoescape.Tlereis
alittlebitternessconnectedtomyveyearstlereineveryline
I lave ever written. It stripped me of my innocence. It was
wlere I rst learned tlat no one is safe, not even a starving,
eleven-year-old kid wlo only wanted to t in, laugl, and be
loved.Butwlenyouarelefttotlewlimoftleselslnessof
adults,yoursafetyandyourleartgoupinameslikeafuneral
pyre.
Wlennoonecares,youlearntofollowsuittosurvive.
Itwasintlistowntlatalloftlesesinsreallylitlomefor
me.Everyoneoftlemwasanescapeoranassault.ItseemedI
wasawantonlustmonger,agluttonforpunislment,ajealous,
enviousdickpiningforrecognitiononanylevel,andaraging
knotoffuryallburiedunderblondlairandblueeyes.ButIdo
notwanttogetaleadofmyself.Letmesettlesceneforyou.
Mymotler,mysister,andImovedtoWaterloowlenIwas
elevenyearsold.Weladbeenmovingaroundfromstatetostate
foraboutsixmontls.Ididnotevengettonislfourtlgrade.
AfterabriefandslittystintinFlorida,Iwastoldweweregoing
backtoIowa.IwasledtobelieveweweregoingbacktoDes
Moines, a city I was very fond of and wlere I still lad many
friends.Instead,welandedinWaterloowitlmymotlerstlen-
boyfriend.WemovedintoatrailercourtonRiverForestRoad,
surroundedbymudanddogslit,promptlytakingupresidence
inLot#20.Intlismoroselittleecosystem,#20wastletrailer
intlemiddleofeverytling,velotsdownfromtlecitystreet
and caddy corner to tle big wlite building tlat apparently
lousedalltlewaslingmaclines,aconstructtlatwasconspic-
uouslyalwayslockedup.Tlatbuildingscaredtlelelloutofmy
sister.Forsomereason,tlougl,onetimesleranawayandwe
foundlerintlatbuilding.Weneverknewwlylell,Ididnot
evenask.Iunderstoodtleurgetorun.
Afterafewmontls,mymotlerbrokeupwitllerboyfriend
andwemovedinwitllerbrand-spankingnewbestfriend.I
willnotsaylernameoutloudbecauseeverytimeIdo,Icurse
and spit, but ler nickname was Corky. Sle was a disgusting
forty-year-oldpoweralcololicwlowasbalancingtlreemen,
sligltly raising a dauglter, and lell-bent on sucking tle very
liglt from tle sun if it meant people would look to ler for
warmtl.Iknowtlegoldenruleisifyoulavenotlinggoodto
sayaboutsomeone,saynotlingatall.Well,ifIladnocloice
buttotalkaboutCorkyfortlerestofmylife,Iwouldlaveto
takeavowofsilence.Corkydiedofcanceraboutfteenyears
ago,anditistlebestexampleIlaveintleworldtobelievein
karma.Ilavenevertoldanyonetlis,butIusedtomakeatrip
everyyearjustsoIcouldpissonlergrave.Tleonlygoodtling
tlatcameoutoflerwaslerdauglterMissy,wloIaffection-
atelycallmyotlersistertotlisday.
Iwasaclildconfrontedwitladdictionsanddomesticvio-
lence.Itwas)errySpringereverynigltatourlouse.Youever
wanttofeelpowerless:Watclpeopleyoucareaboutbeinglurt
andknowtlereisnotlingyoucandoaboutit.Tleonlygood
tlingabouttlattimeinmylifewasIsworeIwouldneverletit
lappen again. Tle degree of ignorance and ltl I was bom-
bardedwitlladabsolutelynoriglttoexistinaworldtlatwas
fair,butobviouslyIlearnedtlelardwaytlatwlenslitlitstle
fan,itiesineverydirection,andbytletimeIwasfteen,Iwas
coveredinit.Tlerewasnopeace,norwastlereeveranysense
ofsecurity.Wewerejustfodderattleredendsofafewrotten
wlims.Tletablesladturnedinmylifeandnotatallfortle
best.
116 covvv :viov
IwatcledoneofCorkysboyfriendsbreakanentireplateof
food on my motlers face. Tle cops slowed up every otler
niglt for a domestic dispute. My sister watcled Corky steal
moneyfrommymotlerspurseandMomdidntbelieveler.We
movedaroundconstantlybecauseoftlis.Tleytoldusitwas
justtimeforaclange,butIknewbetter.Youcannotlavetlat
manycomplaintsandbeallowedtostayinoneplace.Alltle
wlile,wewerebeatenregularlywitlbelts,paddles,andsts
coveredinlow-rentturquoiserings.Istilllavescarsonmyeye-
lidsfromtloserings.Igottoknowallfourtownslipsverywell
becausetleyweremyonlyescape,andwlenallyouwanttodo
isdisappear,lowfarenouglisaway:
Buttlerewereotlerdangersbesidestlewaratlome.Itsucks
beingtlepoorkid,tleweakkid,tlenewkid,ortleweirdkid.
Iwasalwaysallfour.IdidnotmakerealfriendstillIwasinligl
sclool,andeventlen,tleywereusuallykidswlousedtobeat
meup,jumpingmeonmywaylomefromsclool.Iladnoone
toteaclmelowtoglt,noonetoteaclmetostandupfor
myself.Mysoulwasafuckingbombandmytemperbecametle
mercuryswitcl.Iwantedtlefuckingworldtoburn.
)ustwlenItlougltIwasdoomedtosufferforever,music
savedmylife.
Youcansaywlateveryouwantaboutmetalorrockorpunk
oroldscloolliplop,butattletime,tleBeatlesdidnotsaya
fuckingtlingtome.Tleysureasfuckwerenotspeakingfor me
eitler.AndDebbieCibsonwasplasteredallovertleradioas
well,plasticmusicwasndingitslegsintle80s.Betweenbur-
geoning boy bands and meek pop rock, I needed sometling
witlalittlemoretlanbark.Ineededteetlandvenom.Mygen-
erationwasraisedonMarlborocigarettes,Metallica,andany
drugs we could get our lands on. Black Flag, Slayer, Mtley
Cre,andPublicEnemygavemetleanswerstoallmyques-
tions.WlenIwasreadytoquitglting,tleyleldmystsin
place.
DonotgetmewrongIamnotbragging.Tliswassurvival,
pureandsimple.
Maybetlatisattleleartoftlisbook.Wlatyoucallsins
weremyescape.Musicandwritingallowedmetounleasltle
wratlbuildingupinmyleart,andtlespeedIwastakingen-
suredIdidnotlavetogotosleeptoolongtoenduretleniglt-
mares.PubertyandgoodcleekbonesmadesureIcouldindulge
mylust.Envyandgreedpusledmetolookpasttlebordersof
tlatgodforsakenlolecalledlome,evenbeforeIrealizedIlad
somekindoftalent.CluttonyslowedmetlatIwanteditall
right fucking now,nomatterwlattlerisks.Vanityjustmeant
notwearingtlesamerippedupclotlestoomanydaysinarow.
TleonlytlingIneversubscribedtowasslotl.Forme,slotl
wastledayspentsleepingoffalangover.
Slitcatclesupwitlyouintleend,butwlenyouareyoung,
youlavenoexpirationdate.Youlavenoidealowprecarious
lifecanbe,especiallywlenyourselsltunnelvisionkeepsyou
focused on wlat you want and notling else. Wlen you are
woundtlattigltly,evenlellfeelslikelome.Andwlynot:My
so-called safety net was a mesl of mess made up of binge
drinkers,druggies,andinbredlornytoolbags.IfanyoneIused
tolivewitlgetsbuttlurtovertlatlaststatement,Ireallydo
notgivearaggedfuck.Lifesucks,socloseyourmoutlsoyour
teetldonotclick.
So I fucked and smoked and screamed and sped my way
tlrougllife.Iranrampanttlrougldarkalleysandnitefutures
justtoenduprigltbackwlereIladalwaysbeen.Ididnotwant
118 covvv :viov
to be a despot in a sea of re. I did not want to be a y in a
swarmofwasps.Iwasdifferent,butIwantedtobedifferent.
Tlereisadifference:Somepeopletryandsomepeoplejustare.
Martyrswillbegyoutopeppertlemwitlstones,enigmasnever
evennoticetlerststrike.
IwassodesperatetolaveafriendtlatIendeduplanging
outwitlanolderboywlosefamilylivednextdoortous.For
tlisbookspurposes,Iwillcalllim)ason.)asonwasveyears
oldertlanmeandwasintomusicjustlikeme.Heeventurned
meontosomegreatbandsIladneverleardofbefore.Every
dayaftersclool,Iwouldgospendtimeatlisplacebecauseit
wassafertlanmyownlome.Itwas,tlatis,untillerapedme.
AsIlookbacknow,Iguesswitlalltlebullslitgoingonat
lome,Islouldlavebeensmartandsavvyenougltoseeitcom-
ing.Iwasaconfusedscaredkidwloonlywantedtolaveone
personwlodidnotlurtliminlislife,lewasalloftlosetlings
becauselewasapredatorandleknewtlatwaswlatIwanted.
Soattleageofeleven,mybestfriendrapedmeinlisbasement.
Wlenitwasover,Iwentlomeandnevertoldasoul.)asons
louseburneddownaweeklater.Hisfamilyedintlemiddle
oftleniglt.TlewloleneiglborloodwasconvincedtlatIlad
doneit.Ineversawlimagain.
Somescarsrundeepandsomewoundsneverleal,buttlat
sweet, sweet anger lives forever. It is wlat it is, and I lave
learnedtoacceptit.TlatdoesnotmeanIamlappyaboutit,
but I learned a long time ago tlat lolding onto tle past too
tigltlyleavesropeburnsfromtlenooseyoucarryaroundwitl
you.Iwassoangryaboutitforsolongtlatitbecamemyonly
reasontofeel.Tleviolationtakestimetoletgoof,buttlemo-
mentgetsfartlerawayifyouletgooftleclainyoulaveused
todragitbelindyou.Sometimesyoulavetobemoretlana
survivor.Sometimesyoulavetomoveon.
WeeventuallymovedoutofCorkysplace,rigltbacktotle
samedamntrailerparkweladstartedinyearsbeforeandriglt
backintoLot#20.Islityounot.Iwasineigltlgradebytlen,
andInallyladagroupoffriendswloweremylomeaway
fromlome.Tleyweredreamerslikeme,buttleycouldonly
seesofar.Icouldseetleendoftleuniverse.Butlowdoyou
explaintlattopeoplewlodonotreallycare:Howdoyouex-
plaintosomeonetlatyouarefuckingsearinginsideandifyou
donotgosomewlerewitlyourlife,youaregoingtoexplode:
Tleonlydifferencebetweenastarandablackloleistime.
SoIjusttriedtoenjoywlatIdidlave.Wespentdaysontle
dikebytleriver.Youcouldlidetlere,yousee.Weusedtobuild
fortsoutoftlegiantwliterockstlatwereinplacetokeeptle
river from spilling over onto peoples barbecues and satellite
dislesontleotlerside.Plusweladtleforeststlatlinedtle
riverbank,gianttreesasfarasyoucouldsee.ItwaslikeLord of
the Flies.Welearnedaboutacidintlosewoods.Ireallydonot
recommend tlat: Tleres notling worse tlan watcling your
buddyattackatreebecauseitsaidsomeslitaboutmymotler!
WecluggedbottlesofRobitussin,wliclisanunlealtly,lorri-
ble way to get ligl. Tlis was years before crunk and all tlat
syrupmovementbullslit.Wejustknewitwasgoingtofuckus
up.Buttlatwasnotall.Weatepeyoteandsmokedourselves
blind.Webaptizedourselvesinclemicalsandclarity.Wewere
tryingtondourfaitl,butallwefoundattleendoftleday
wastlat,byandlarge,weseemedtobeimmortal.
Wlenwewerenotgettingclosertonature,weinvadedtle
suburbs,runningtlestreetslikedenimbanslees,liglasfuck
120 covvv :viov
andoutofcontrol.Westormedakidslousewedidnotlikeand
didsomucldamagetlecopsslowedup.Tlekidwashome
wlenwedidit.Wedidanytling,anywlere.InEvansdale,tlere
isaparkattleendofMyer,rigltintlemiddleofeverytling.
Weseteverytreeonreonenigltanddancedundertlecold
moon,waitingforjudgmenttlatnevercameforus.
Weladnoreasonforanytlingbecausewehad no reason.I
mean,wlattlefuckdidtleyexpect:Weweredealingwitllor-
mones and psycloses and rising prices and falling rocks and
anytlingelsetlatisdangerousyetcompletelyoutofourcon-
trol.Sins,myasstlesewerefuckinglobbies.Tleseweretle
onlyreasonstogetoutofbedor,inmycase,tlebatltub.Yeal,
Isleptinourbatlroomforayearbecausetlerewasnowlere
elsetosleep.Iwouldgetupintlemorning,putmyblanketand
mypillowintlebatlroomcupboard,takeaslower,tlenget
myclotlesoutoftlelamper . . .intlesamebatlroom.Kicks
ass,riglt:
TlingsliketlatmakemetlankfulIlivedtowriteaboutit.

Itwasnotalwaysslitty,youknow.Evansdale,wliclisrigltout-
sideofWaterloo,waswlereIateaNow&Latercandyfortle
rst time. Wlen I lived in Dewar, wlicl is riglt outside of
Evansdale,IlearnedtlrouglanotlergroupofkidstlatIwas
goodatfootball.Itisfunnywlatyouseeandwlatyourefuse
toseeinretrospect.IsupposeIladsomegreattimeswitltlat
crazycastofclaracters.TlerewereeventimeswlenIdidnot
feelsodifferentfromtlem,ortleydidnotseemtlatdifferent
fromme.Inaway,tleykeptmealive.WlenIneededtoescape,
tleycamewitlme.WlenIneededtofeelalive,tleyjoinedme.
Ievenstartedoneofmyrstbandswitltloseguys.ButIcould
nevertrusttlem.MaybetlatistlereallessonItookawayfrom
Waterloo:Donottrustanyone.AndIlearneditsowelltlatI
stilllavealardtimelettingitgo.Mywife,Steplanie,isoneof
tlegreatestpeopleIlaveevermet,andIstilllavealardtime
fullytrustingler.Butbecausesleisamazing,slelasinnite
patience.Sleunderstandsandlelpsmeeveryday.
Iamsurvivingagain,really.Itmaybeacopout,Iknow.But
itistlebiggestreasonwlyIlavetlistypeofstrengtlandre-
solve.Irefusetogiveup,Irefusetodie,andIrefusetolose,ever.
ItisbecauseIremembereveryword,everyscar,andeverydirty
secret.Iamamassofmelodramadisguisedasalife.Butatleast
Iamnotafabricationfromsomeconferencetableinanonde-
scriptbuilding.AtleastIwasnotputtogetlerbyexecutivesin
someslittypitclmeetingwlowantedanedgierartistwitlbet-
tercleekbonesYouknow . . .fortlekids!Iameverytling
tlateverlappenedtome.Iamrealandskinandboneandalive
andreadyforeverydayIlave.
Andfortlat,grudgingly,IguessIoweWaterlooatlankyou.
Tlankyou,Waterloo.TlankyouformakingmewloIam.
Tlankyouforrippingmetoslredsandmakingmebuildmy-
selfbackupintleend.Tlankyouforsettingmeonre,be-
causeIusedtlatretogltforeverytlingIlaveeverearned.
Tlankyoufortryingsolardtodestroymyinnocence,somucl
so tlat I leld on witl ngers and nails just to keep it safe.
Tlank you for slowing me tle most brutal realities I could
stomacl and in turn slowing me I could survive. Tlank you
foreveryexampleofwlatparentsarenotsupposedtodosoI
neverdotlemtomyownclildren.Tlankyouforaneducation
inambivalence.
Tlankyoufortlegiftofnevergivingup.
122 covvv :viov
WlenItlinkofWaterloo,ItlinkoftletinylittlevictoriesI
aclievedaswell.Ipusledmyselftoself-educateandnotjust
rely on tle fast-food sclool system. Wlen slit got to be too
mucl,Iwrotefordays,orIreadanybookIcouldgetmylands
on,orIpusledmyselftogetoutandndsomewlerequiet,just
tolavesomekindofsanctuary.Itaugltmyselflowtoplaygui-
taranddrums.Iwrotesongsontlebackofmylomeworkas-
signments.WlenItriedtoslaretlemwitlotlers,tleysneered
anddetractedfromeverytlingIwantedtobeandaccomplisl.
Peoplewilltrytotakeanytlingtleycanawayfromyou,espe-
ciallywlentleytlinkyoulavemoretlantleydo.Wlyistlat
almostalwaystlecase:
Somaybeyouareallsinners.Maybeyoudeservetleltl
tlat tle religions of tle world lave smeared on your esl.
MaybewearealljustwaitingtofryinSatansCrock-Potfortle
spiritualbuilduptlatcomeswitltoomanylourslefttoyour
owndevices.Butwlatifyouearnyoursins:Wlatifsinsare
likeaccolades:Ifsinsareinevitable,andiftlatistlecase,wly
fuckingbotlerworryingabouttlemintlerstplace:
AllIknowiswlatIlaveseen,andallIlaveseenis98percent
of tle world doing wlat tley want. Tlink of it as tle antlill
beingbuiltoutoftlebodiestleroguesneverbotleredtofeed.
Mostdonotcareiftleysteponfeelings,andtlerestonlycare
abouttleirownfeelings.Selsllordesofuselessboobs,des-
peratelytryingnottosuckass,scourtleplanetforalittlepiece
ofleavenbeforetleyslootitalltolell.Tlisistleworldwe
leavebelind.Tlisistleworldtlesaintsdiedfor.Tlisistle
worldwlereIcouldnotcareless.DoIsoundbitteryet:Yeal,I
supposeIdo.Butyoulelpedraiseme,people,sosuffer.
Waterloo,Iowaanoasisoffuckinaworldofslitandtlere
arecitiesjustlikeitallovertlecountry,andifIladmyway,I
woulduseabulldozertopulleverybrickdown,tlenIwould
pavetlegroundandleaveaparkinglotinitsfuckingwake.I
wouldcleansetleeartltosaveitssoul.Itisaconcretecyston
an eartlen scar tlat las been worried at by a lalf a million
tonguesuntiltleareaarounditisclappedanduseless.
Tlere is a side of me tlat will always be tle scared little
coked-outmist,stuckinatrailerandgraspingatstraws.Tlere
arenigltsIdreamIambacktlereandIwakeupscreaming.
TlereisapartofmetlatisveryscaredoftletlingsIamcapa-
bleof,andmucllikeanaddict,Idedicatemyselftobeingbetter
everyday.Isinlikecrazy,butIprotectmypeople.Iworkevery
secondofmylifeandIdomyverybesttobetlebestfatlerI
can.AlloftliswouldnotbepossibleifIladbeenraisedina
psyclologicalwombsomewlere.Iwouldnotbeme ifIladnot
beenhim rst,youknow:
Radicalclangeisadecision.Youdecidewloorwlatyouare
goingtobe.Ifyouarestrongenougl,youcandedicateyourlife
tobeingexactlytlat.Ifyouarenot,youtaketleeasyroute
justgoingwitltleow.Peoplelavetoldmesinningiseasybut
claractertakeswork.Itlinkitisassimpleastlis:Peopleare
easyandclaracterstakepractice.Sinningisjustwlatmostof
usdowlennobodyislooking.
So I nd myself riglt back at tle place I was at in tle rst
place:Sinsarebullslit.Tleycanbuildpanacle.Tleycanspawn
creativity.Tleycanleadustotletrutl.They can set us free.
Tleycanslowuswloweare,orwlowewanttobe,ifwejust
pressourfacesalittleclosertotlekeylole.Wlattleycannot
doisclangeanytlingattleendoftleday.Wlatareyougoing
todo,dwellonit:Leavebelindclancesyoucouldlavetaken
advantageofbecauseyoutlinkyoudonotdeservetlem:
124 covvv :viov
Tlisiseitleragreattimeforastoryoraquote.IguessIwill
dobotl.
Itwastlesummerof88,andIladfalleninlove.Hername
was)ennyandslewastlemostbeautifulgirlIladeverseen,
somuclsotlatsleistlefaceIusedtocompareeverywoman
to,rigltupuntilrecently.Sleladwarmredlairandsoftwlite
skin,blue-greeneyesandasweetsmelltlatwasalllerown.If
slecameinaroomtoday,Icouldclosemyeyesandknowsle
wastlere.Slewastlecruslofalifetime,tlealmostwas.I
wasa25-centrubberballbouncingoffofmyownwalls,red-
eyed and blue-tailed, at war witl everytling around me. For
somestrangereason,slefellforme,too.
Weweretogetlerforasummer,teenagerslostintlemoment
and eacl otlers eyes. I wanted to spend every second witl
lerseriously.Forsomereason,wlenIwaswitller,Iwasnot
tlekidwlocouldnotaffordanytling,couldnottakelerany-
wlere,orcouldnotgiveleranytling.Slebrougltpeaceand
lifeintomyworldforabriefsecond,andtlensletookitaway.
Slewasyoung,fuck,Iwasyoung,too.Tlatisallitwas.Tlat
didnotmattertomeattletime.Tome,timestoppedwlensle
letmego.
SodoyouknowwlatIdid:Ididwlatanydisrespectingman-
boywoulddoinasimilarsituation.Idatedlersisteraboutfour
montlslaterandIwastlebiggestfuckingprickontledamn
planet. I put tlat poor girl tlrougl lell. I was sucl a stool
sampletlatlerfatlerrigltfullytlreatenedtokillme.Ididtlis
becauseIwasastupidkidwlodidnotknowanybetter.Idid
tlisbecauseIwantedsomeonetolurtlikeIwaslurting,andif
IcouldnotlurttleoneIwantedtolurt,Iwouldlurtlerfam-
ily.Wly:
Wly:Wleredoyouevenstarttoanswertlatsimpleone-
wordquandary:Aslugeasoursoulsarepurportedtobe,wlat
llsuswitlabiggersatisfactionloveorrevenge:Wouldwe
ratlergiveitallortakeitall:Tlisquartzinourspiritslastle
capacitytobreakboundariesorlearts,andmanypeoplelave
donebotl,myselfincluded.Wearejusttlepaperbacksofgen-
erations,lefttobeippedtlrouglonanovercastafternoon,
andlowquicklyweforgettletwistsattleend.Dowelearn
frompastmistakessowedonotrepeattlem,orarewedoomed
torepeattlem:Ifsinistlepriceforfreewill,wlatistlefucking
point:Mostofusnevergettowritetlerules,sowloareyou
tofuckingjudgeme:
IlavedoneslittylumantlingsbecauseIamluman.Itdoes
notmeanIamproudofit,butitalsodoesnotmeanIbragabout
it,anditdoesnotmeanIforget.Iamamanwitlapast,notling
moreand,moreimportantly,notlingless.Noonereadstlefu-
ture.Ifyouaresmart,youreadtlepasttolavebettercontrol
ofyourpresent.Wedowlatwecanwitltletimewelave.But
itisourtimenonetleless.Attleendoftledayitistleonly
tlingtlatistrulyours.Mytimetakesforever,lopefullyyours
does,too.
Ilavenotseen)ennyorlersisterintwentyyears.Tlereisa
verygoodpossibilitytlattleydonotevenremembermysad
Irislassandtlatisne.Icanonlylopetlepassageoftimelas
dulledtlepainIputtlemtlrougl.ButIcanstillseetleway
tleirfacesturnedtostonetledaytleyturnedtleirbackson
me.Wlatpricewillyoupaytolavetlesatisfactionofseeing
tle ones wlo lurt you lurting as well: Spiritually, I would
ratlerbouncetlatcleckinleaventlenspendtlatmoneyin
lell.Tleonesyouloveusuallybeartlebruntofyourliglest
126 covvv :viov
liglsandtlelowestlowstlesamegoesfortleonesyoual-
legedlylate.
Iknownoonewantstolearaboutit,buttlereareluman
beingswlobringouttlebestand,especially,tleworst inusall.
Tlere is a clemical tling, a claracter tling, and we react
wletlerwewanttoornot.Soitcomestotlis:Assumesinex-
ists.Nowaskyourselfifitisitabiggersintoreactlorriblyto
someoneyouknowwillbringitoutofyouortobetleonewlo
bringstlatoutofanyone:Peopledonotwanttofacetlat,but
itistrue.Wealllaveemotionalsonar,andwecanloneinon
tlegoodslit,tlebadslit,ortlereally lorribleslit.
Anyway,itwasalongtimeago,butnotsolong,youknow
wlatIamsaying:Tlerustdoesnotbuffout.UsealltleArmor
Allyouwouldlikeyouarewloyouare.Crowingupingarbage
isalotlikebeingawiseguy,youareinuntiltledayyoudie.It
willbewitlyoufortlerestofyourlifeandtlepeopleyoutry
toescapefromwilllauntyoulikeEbenezerScroogesglostson
ClristmasEve.Itisjustlikefamily:Youclooseyourfriends,
butnotyourfamily.Iftleyaresoutlofoutstanding,tleywill
circle you like dead moons and pull you down into terminal
gravityandtribulation.Idonotsaytliswitlanymalice.Itisa
fuckingfactanditsucks,butsurvivorssurvive.Youwillalways
laveoneeyeontleroadandoneontlerearviewmirror.
AsIamwritingtlis,IamrememberingmoretlanIwould
like.Mylifelasnotbeenpretty.ButIlavenotladitasbadas
alotofpeoplelave.AndIamwloIamtodaybecauseoftle
positionsIlavebeenputinandtledecisionsIlavemade.If
tlatmeansIamguiltyforever,tlensobeit.ButIammadeto
make:donotexpectmetogiveaslitifitmeansIgoagainst
somebodyelsesbook.Lifeisnottlatsimple.Tlatiswlyitis
calledlife.Tlatwordincludesbotllie andif.Timetogureout
wliclsideoftlelalf fenceyouareon:Doesyourlife include
alie orjustonebigif :Tlereisnotlingwrongwitleitlertobe
lonest,butitwillmakeyourSundayslonger.
Hereisalotlittlepieceofirrelevancetlatmigltinterestyou.
HeatupsomePepsiandpullupapillow,kids,UncleCoreyis
goingtoscaretlefuckoutofyou.
IwasbornDecember8,1973.Atrstglance,tlatdoesnot
seemalltlatinteresting.Butfactortlisin:)imMorrisonwas
bornDecember8,1943,anddiedyoung.SamKinisonwasborn
December8,1953,anddiedyoung.FrankSinatra)r.waskid-
nappedonDecember8,1963.)olnLennonwasslotandkilled
onDecember8,1980.TlenigltofDecember8,1984,wastle
nigltoftleinfamousVinceNeilcarcrasl,inwliclRazzle,tle
drummerforHanoiRocks,waskilled.ItlougltIwascursed.
Sofortlelongesttime,IwasconvincedIwouldbedeadby
tleageoftwenty-one.Iladdreamsaboutitalltletime.Icould
neverseeafuturepasttleamesofyoutl.Yeal,itsoundslike
bullslit,butattletimeitwasjustwlatIknew.NowIamwon-
deringifitwasjusttleeffectsoftoomanyyearslivinginfuck-
land.Iladtoescapetlepainoflivingtoseewlatactualliving
wasallabout.SomaybeIjusttlougltIonlyladsomucltime
toliveandenjoyit.Man,wasIstupid.Youcanonlyblametle
ignoranceofyoutlonbeingyoungbecauseanyoneoldenougl
wouldknowbetter,oratleastlaveafuckingcluetlatsome-
tlingdidnotmakesense.
My friend Dimebag Darrell Abbot was murdered on my
birtlday:December8,2004.Imisslimalot,especiallywitlall
tlecrapinmusictoday.ButIdonotblamelisdeatlonsome
curse.Iblamelisdeatlontleinsaneviolenceofaderanged
128 covvv :viov
lumanbeing.Iblamelisdeatlonarandomact,aselslact
tlatunfortunatelyleftuswitlonelessiconinaworldslorton
originals. I remember tlat niglt, but most importantly, I re-
membertletimesIgottospendwitlmyfriendDime.
SoIlearnedtoletgoofyoutlfulsuperstitionandtakelifeas
itcomes.
Iamtlirty-sevenyearsoldnowandIamnotsosureIknow
anytlingmoretlanIknewyesterday,butIdoknowtlis:Lifeis
betterlivedwlenyoudonotbuyintowlatyoutlinkyouknow.
Itisbettertoknowyourwaydownlilltlantotryrollingupa
mountainyoulaveneverseenbefore.ToomanytimesIlave
dealtwitlmysteriesbeyondmycontrol,andIlavewatcledge-
niusestakeaslotatguringitout.Sometimesitisbetterto
learnrigltalongwitleveryoneelsetlantoassumeyouknow
slitaboutslit.Anovicecanruletleworld,expertswillgetyou
killedeverytime.SowlatdoIknow:Notmucl,butmoretlan
mostmaybe.ButatleastIadmitit.Ilavemyslareofanswers,
butIamstillwillingtolearn.Youcantakeaslowerandstill
leavestainsinyourdrawers.Youcanknowalotandstillnot
knowslit.
WlytlefuckdidIputtlisclapterintlisbook:Isitbecause
ofmysins,orotlerpeoplessins:Isitbecauseoftlemonsters
inmyclosetortleonespeoplelaveleftinmylouse:IguessI
wanttotelleveryoneouttlere,allovertleworld,tlatnomatter
wlereyoucomefrom,itdoesnotlavetobewloyouare.It
does not lave to rule you. Your problems do not lave to be
someoneelsesproblems.Humansaregoingtobewlotleyare
goingtobeandtlereisnotlingyoucandoaboutitattleend
oftleday,butyoucanriseaboveallofit.Youdonotlavetobe
aprisoner.Youcanbeyourownfuckinglero.AmIaslamed
ofwlatIlavedone:Sometimes.DoIregretanyofit:Depends.
WouldIdoitalloveragain:Yes.IamnotinStar Trek:Idonot
fuckwitltlespace-timecontinuum,andIwouldnotclange
wloIam.
ItlinkmytripdownNigltmareLaneisjustaboutover.Cood
riddancetomentalclutter.Ilavetalkedaboutfamilyandalltle
lelltlatfollowswitltlem.Ilavetalkedaboutlifeandalltle
lailandbulletstlatitbringstotlepokertable.Ilavetalked
abouttleconsequenceofregretandtlelittlepingsandpangs
ofgleetlatcomefromwatclingyourenemiessquirmaround
intleirlater,disposablelives.AndIlavenotevencomeclose
toscratclingtlesurface.TlerearestilltlingsIintendtokeep
alittleclosertotleclestbecauseasbadasitis,Istillfeeltle
needtoprotectmyfamily.Tlerewerelawsbroken.Tlerewas
evidenceburned,andtlerearenigltmares,alwaystledamn
nigltmares.ButIwrotetlisclaptertoproveapoint,notto
twisttlerestoftlebookintosomekindofostentatiouscleck
meoutautobiograply.Iamnotwritingmydouclediary,Iam
expoundingaboutsinandtleslititrodeinon.
Youwanttoknowwloyouare:Figureitoutforyourself.Do
notletyoursurroundingsdictateyouridentity.Donotletyour
parentsoryourfamiliesruleyoursenseofself.Donotletyour
pastcontrolyourfuture.Tlesetlingsareentirelyuptoyouand
youalone.Youmakeyourowndecisions.Strengtlwillguide
you.Weaknesswillallowyoutolidebelindslallowexcuses.
Sure,lavingaterribleclildloodcanbeaneasywayoutoflav-
ingtomakegooddecisions.Buttlerearealsopeopleintlis
worldwlogrewupwitlso-callednormallives,andtlereare
quiteafewoftlemwloaretotaldickstains.Ifyoutakeslelter
belindexamplesofwlyyoudonotlavetoassumeresponsi-
130 covvv :viov
bilityforyouractions,youwillbuildalouseintledarkness:
alone,afraid,andpronetoterricaresofviolentselslness.
Tlatneiglborloodwillalwaysbetlebackdropforamyriadof
terriblyfantastictragedies.Doyourselfafavorandmoveoutof
yourlead.
Inotlerwords,ifyouwanttobeasonofabitcl,donotpunk
outandlidebelindlang-ups.)ustbeasonofabitcl.Infact
betlebestsonofabitclyoucanbe.Wlynot:Atleastyoucan
be content and lappy being slitty and miserable. Is tlat not
wlat being luman is all about: Is tlat not wlat living is all
about:Itmustbe,becauseapparentlylivingoutsidetlelinesin
contentmentandfulllmentisafuckingsin.Howfuckingdare
tley:Howdaretleytakealandfulofcompletelynaturalim-
pulsesandmaketlemfuckingsins:Wly:Aretleytlemselves
guiltyoftlesinofenvybecauseweareguiltyofbeingalive:
Iwilltellyouonetling,ifbeingaslavetlatlauntedtlecity
ofWaterloolastaugltmeanytling,itistlis:Tlelifeyousave
maybeyourown,buttlelivesyougltformaysaveyouinre-
turn.Iwouldratlerwastemytimepointingoutlypocrisies
tlangiveuponmakingpeopletlink.Sure,itlookseasyandI
lookreallygooddoingit,butitistiringworktlatcanonlybe
aclievedbyimbibinggallonsofblackcoffee,lundredsofciga-
rettesendoverend,sugar,fat,andloursofterribletelevision.I
dotlisforyousosuckit.

IntleendIwasanorplanwitlalugefamily.Ilavebeento
warwitlmyselfanddestroyedtleotlerside,wliclleavesme
wonderingwloreallywontlosebattles.Iamalittlebitofbotl
andnoneoftleabove,anenigmawlogrewamolawkintoa
mulletandbackagain,livingtobragaboutbotl.Tledaysand
niglts of posing cauglt a taxi witl capricious youtl but left
tleirwalletattleclub.Iwasoneofmanyposterclildrenwlo
nevercaredless . . .untilwerealizedtleywereourlives,too.
Moonsline,smugness,anddurabilitytlisistlegeneration
tlattlatwasangryenougltomakeasceneintleparkinglot
aswellastlefoodcourt,butacerbicenougltosmirkfortleir
mugslots.
ToromanticizemytimeinWaterloowouldbetocleapentle
slitIwenttlrougl,butIamonlywloIambecauseoftlose
experiences.Tlediclotomyoftlisreallyfuckswitlmylead.I
neverwanttogobacktlere,butIremembereveryplaceIever
lungouttlere,everyfriendIeverladtlere,everytrail,every
louseIeverlivedin,everyscloolIwentto,everybusroute,
everygirlfriend,everyweekendblasted,everygradewasted,and
everysingleminuteIwastlerebecauseatleastIwasalive.I
maylavebeenravagedandImaystillbefuckedupaboutit,but
Iwasalive.Andwlenyoucanstillrecalleveryleartbeat,tlere
lastobesomegoodintlattimetlerehas tobe.
Wlere tle wleels break spokes, tle road is always a little
ragged.Tlatroadonlyleadstoleartacle.Takeanexitbefore
youlitrockbottom.Findaniceplacetopulloffandgetyour
slittogetler.Tlen,onceyouarebackintlecar,putonsome
musicandkeepdriving.Ifyouarelucky,youwillleavetlatre-
pressiveplaceinyourrearviewmirror.
Somysinswereborninatownwitlnomorepeopletlan
tlebiggestcityinRlodeIsland,andmysoulsawtlerepercus-
sions.Butmyironremainsforgedinstrongerstuffevidently,
witlalittleorelereandtlerestillunrened.Tlatisokayby
me,tlewonderistlewandering.Ijustwislmyworldwerenot
sosadsometimes.ButassadasIget,asbundledintomadness
132 covvv :viov
asIndmyselfattimes,allIlavetodoistakeadeepbreatl
andremembertlatIammilesawayfromcertainplaces.Myde-
pressinggeograplicalmapisstillmilesoff,myCPSslowsno
blindspots,andIamstillnotbackinWaterloo,Iowa,in1984.
Myplaceislere,witlmyfamily,witlmydreams,andwitlmy
sanity.LettlerestoftleworldgoforallIcare.Iamgoingtobe
okay.
Soundsgood.Infact,itsoundsgreat.
Now,wlerewasI:
7
I m wi t h Envy
Wlattlelelldoestlatguylave:Ilavetolaveit!!
Ool!!Wlattlefuckistlat:Ilavetolavetlat!!!
Envy:Howmucleasierdoesitget,man:
Next to vanity, envy is probably tle most basic sin on Mr.
Blackwellslist.Itistlecritterintlecrevices,tleonejustout
ofreacl.Itistleitcltlatscratclesback.Comeon,landsup,
youknowwloyouareweareallenvious.Itisjustreallyfuck-
ing easy to be envious of anytling and anyone. It makes us
angry,covetous,itcaneventurnuson,forwlatislustbutbeing
enviousandwantingsomeonessexalloverus.Soifgreedistle
mainingredientinoursinfulpie,envyistlesecretspicetlat
really pulls it all togetler. Along witl tle rest of our Deadly
Seven,itlasbeenaroundforareallylongtime.OneoftleTen
Commandmentssaystlouslaltnotcovettlyneiglborswife.
ApparentlyEzekielswifewaslookingmorelikeRaclelHunter
135
chapter
tlan Estelle Cetty. So envy is notling new. It is also notling
deadly.
Wantingsometlingbetterwell,lell,tlatistleAmerican
Way, riglt: Envy puts lollow points in raw pulpy lope and
leavesyouarmedwitlalifegunyoucanusetoblowbigloles
inlistlessness.Andwlynot:Ifdreamsaretobebelievedintlis
country,tleyarecommunityproperty,avisceralbirtlriglttley
landoutintlelospitalwitlred,wlite,andbluepaciers.All
weneedisalittleraisingsoweknowwlattodowitlalltlat
slinyfreedom!Partoftlatrearingprocessisalealtlydoseof
envy.Idonotknowaboutyou,buttleressomuclstuffIwant
andmostofitresemblesslittlatsomeonealreadylas.Sowly
slouldInotwantwlatsomeoneelselas:)ustbecauseitbe-
longstotlem,itdoesnotmeanmorearentbeingmadeinvar-
ious sizes. Even if it is one of a kind, tlere is always some
slitlouseslacksomewleresellingloserslikemeknockoffrepli-
castlatsmelllikecornmealandmeltintlerain.
Commercialsareromanticcomediesdesignedtomaketle
consumerenviousoftlepeopleandtleproducttleprettier
tle person, tle more you really need tlose pants. Billboards
look like subliminal messages, your own personal covetous
strobeligltifyoudrivefastlikeme,andtleirsolepurposeisto
doseyouwitleetingglimpsesofslityoudonotlaveorlave
notseen.Soyoundyourselfwantingslityouneverknewyou
wanted.YoubecomeaManclurianCandidateatMacys,ready
towalkawaywitltlelandsoapand tlelotion.Wearebom-
bardedwitltlingstocovetatmorning,noon,andmidniglt
madnesssalesuntilitbecomescommonplace.Buttlatismy
point:Idonotbelieveenvyisalltlatbad,andintliscountry
oranyotler,lowcanyounotfeelenvious:Weareallmadeto
feel inadequate and wanton from invisible promises in dark
sladows,back-alleyblisscanbeyoursiftleavariceisriglt.We
136 covvv :viov
areoutsmartedandoutankedbytlougltstlatarenoteven
ours,andtlesemotlerfuckersexpectustobevirtuous:Holy
logfucker,lowdoyousayeatmycreamyassloleinLatin:
Envylasitsuglymornings,butitcanleadtoridiculousquirks
as well. For instance, I lave a weird fascination about wlat
peoplekeepintleirrefrigerators,especiallyinCalifornia.Ido
notknowwly.IwillbeatsomeoneslouseandIwillndmyself
intlekitclen.Nexttlingyouknowtlefridgedooriswideopen
andIambentoverwitlmyfaceburieddeepinsideitscontents.
Cetyourleadoutoftlegutterwealreadycoveredlust,you
perverts.Ilavenocluewlatitis,butIamjustcurioustosee
wlatisintlere.Wlatisitabouttlewaypeoplegrouptleir
produceorstacktleirlunclmeatororganizetleirbeverages:I
toucl stuff, pick sometling up and put it back. I also smell
everytling.Tome,aloadedfridgeintleeiglt-one-eigltislike
avideogame:IwilljumprigltinandplaywletlerIknowwlat
tleplotisornot.
Tlentlerearetlepeoplewitllavisllomesandexpensive
cars wlo like notling in tleir iceboxes. Tlese people are so
wealtlytlattleyeatoutexclusively.Sotleydeckouttleirrig
witlafewkeyitems:mustard,lalf-jarofpickles,emptypaper
wrapper,stickofbutter,andaboxofArm&Hammerbaking
sodaincasebotltlingsgobad.Wlattlelell:Youalmostlave
totrytobetliseclectic.Poorpeopleandcollegekidslavetlis
kindofslitintleirfridges,notriclfolk.Itlinkitisasubliminal
tactictomakepeopletlinktleyarelesswellofftlantleyreally
are.Bykeepingabroke-assrefrigerator,youarelopingpeople
willfeelsorryforyou.Tlatisallwellandgood,butyoucannot
pullitoffinBeverlyHills.
I am quite frankly one of tle most envious people on tle
groundsrigltnow.Ifenvyreallymakesyougreen,Iwouldbetle
IncredibleHulkrippingtlrouglManlattan.Iamcompetitive,
brazen,pissedoff,andscramblingforallIcanget.Soinmyeyes,
envyisnotasinbecauseitistlegustofwindinmysails.Iget
tlreetimesasmucldonebecauseIwanttolaveeverytling
available.Creedandenvyaredoingalittleloedowninmyslit
slack,andIamtleauctioneercallingoutmovesandgettingit
done.ButevenIlavelimitswlenitcomestocleckingtlings
offoftleCraigsListinmysoul.Tlesedays,peopletreatkudos
andappreciationlikefactandrecitation.Inaworldsotwo-faced
tlatittalksoutofbotlsidesofitsmoutl,awardsandaccolades
lavebecomeaqueersortofcompensation,andIforoneam
leretosayitisbullslit.
Crammies,Emmys,Oscars,AMAs,Tonys,ESPYsyouknow,
peopleusedtobeabletofeelgoodaboutstuffliketlis.Butin
tlelastfewyears,corruptionlaserodedtlecondenceofeven
tlemostardentbelievers.Peopleaskmealltletimewlatit
feelsliketowinaCrammy.ItelltlemIcouldnotcareless.Wly
slouldIgiveaslitabouttleCrammyawards:Allyouneedto
knowabouttlisfarceyoucanndoutbylookingattlecate-
gories.Tlereareslittonsofawardsforpop,liplop,country,
andevenClristiancontemporary.Mosttimes,somecategories
allowforgenrestooverlap.Tlereareevenseveralteclnicalcat-
egories,anddeservedlyso.Alotoftimestlepeopleintlisin-
dustry forget wlo does tle grunt work, so good for tlem.
However . . .
Tlereisone metalcategory.One.Metal.Category.
Winning tle metal Crammy tends to make you feel like a
lealtlyleper.Sure,youfeelgreatforasecond,butyouarestill
fuckedattleendoftleday.Onecanmaketleargumenttlat
becausetlereisonlyonemetalaward,bywinningyouareelite
andevenmorespecialtlanalltlerest.Tlenwlyevenlaveas
manycategoriesastleydo:Tlewlolepointistofeelspecial,
138 covvv :viov
tofeellikeyoulaveaccomplisledsometlingnoonecouldin
tlatmoment.Tlesedays,tlelatestasl-in-tle-panwannabe,
untalentedlackstainwillwalkawaywitlanarmfuloftlese
glorieddoorstopstotletuneofpraisessungbyfakeattery.
Inanerawlentleverywordsweuseareaccusedofbeinglies,
wlatdoestlatsayaboutanawardslowalignedagainstlalftle
competition:Besides,Idonotputalotofstockinawards.Iput
mystockintlecommoditytlatkeepsyouwlereyouareand
blessesyouwitlopportunitiestopracticewlatyoupreacl.I
putmystockintlefansbecausetleyareputtingtleirfaitlin
me.Nootlerreciprocationcouldsoundortasteassweet.
Likelust,envycangetontopofyouquick.Allittakesisa
glimpseorapassingfancyandyouwillbegrippedbyit.Itwill
spoilyourmilkandsouryourgrapes.Itwillkeepyouonyour
sideoftlebed.Youwillclewtleinsidesofyourmoutlatdin-
ner.Youwillbeawalkingdistractioninyourownlife.Butwlen
youcanturntlatenvyintoattainment,wlatcouldbeabetter
feeling:Iamnotwritingaprescriptionforinstantgratication.
Tledoctorknowsbetter.WlatIamsayingistlateveryonce
inawlileadreamslouldcometrue.Iamsayingtlatenvyis
aneffectandyoucanllintleblankontlecause.Weallglt
forourtinybitoftleBostonCreameverysecondofeveryday.
Wlyslouldwebedeniedlittletlingswlentleycouldgetusa
longway:Itlinktletimeoffeelingbadabouttletlingswe
wantslouldlavecometoanendalongtimeago.Weareevolv-
ingintofortunecookies,twistedandsweet,buttleonlymes-
sageinsideisguilt.Wlyevencracktlesealontleplastic,man:
Wlatistlepointofeatingwlenallyougetisforce-fedabetting
lineofleartburnandleartacle:
BynowyoumaylavetlepresumptiontlatIamablowlard
troublemakerwitlacliponmysloulderandagiantloleinmy
soul.Tlatactuallydoesnotsoundalltlatbad,really.Oneofmy
plilosoplieslasalwaysbeen,ifyoudonotsayit,itdoesnot
getsaid.Basicallysaying,itmeansifyouwantsometlinginlife,
speakuporslutup.Iamsayingwelaveenougltoworryabout
inourliveswitloutworryinglowpeoplewlolooknotlinglike
anyoneweslouldgiveaslitaboutfeelwlenitcomestoour
decisions.Tlerearedayswlentleworldslouldstaytlefuck
outofyourbusiness.Wantingsometlingslouldnotbeasin
wleneveryonearoundisfeelingtleexactsamefuckingway.
Beinglumanisaninstinct,notasourceofreligiousscrutiny.
Nowleredoestleconceptlavemoreimpacttlanintlecase
ofclildren.Icanputitintliscontext:WlenIwasakid,allI
wantedoneClristmaswasasetofBobaFettUnderoos.Tlat
wasallIwanted.IendedupwitlanAtari2600anddouble-deck
gletto blaster. Tle disappointment I felt at tle time was so
cruslingtlatIrefusedtospeaktoanyoneforaweek.Afew
montlslaterIwasbeingmovedtoFloridaagainstmywilland
Iladtoleavebelindallofmystuff.Allofit.Myglettoblaster
and my Atari 2600 were pawned for gas money. I ended up
lomelessforafewweeksinFortLauderdale.Bytlen,BobaFett
Underoosweretleleastofmyworries.Eatingladbecomea
liglpriority.SoIlearnedyoungtlatenvyissillyincomparison
witlsurvival.ItdoesnotmeanIstoppedwantingmyleartsde-
sires.ItmeansIlaveacuriousyetleadstrongwayofputting
tlingsinperspective.Icanseetleforesttlrougltlere.We
makemountainsoutofgravelandadooutofapatlyalltletime.
EnvywillalwaysbetleIagotoourOtlello.
HereisanotlerbitofnonsenseIcameupwitlwlenIwas
younger.IwasconvincedIwouldneverbeagoodsingerora
greatwriterbecauseIwasnotStevenTyler.Truestory:Steven
Tylerisoneoftlemostgiftedandoriginalrockstarsontle
140 covvv :viov
planet.Nobodysoundslikelim,nobodywriteslikelim,and
nobody exudes tle kind of cool le las radiated consistently
sinceIwasafuckingtoddler.Hemaylaveladlisproblemsand
lemaygotobattlewitldemonsonadailybasis,buttomele
wastleuppercrustofamazing.Ilavemyidols:SebastianBacl,
HenryRollins,MikePatton,)amesHeteld,andDavidLeeRotl.
ButStevenTylerwastleHolyCrailtome.HewastleiconI
triedtoliveuptoforyears.
AsIgotolderIrealizedtlatIcouldneverbeStevenTylernor
slouldIwanttobe,notbecauseItlinkanylessoflimbutbe-
causeIknowinmylearttlatemulationisasincereformofat-
tery, but individuality is tle only form of immortality. As
enviousasIwasofliscareer,towanttolaveanexactreplica
wouldbeatestimonytolislegacy,notmine.Itiseasiertotake
yourcuesfromsomeoneelsebecausetleylavemadetlemis-
takesinadvance.Noriskmeansnofoul,butitalsomeansno
glory.Youlavetocutanewswatltondnewland.Ifyoufol-
lowtlesamepatleveryoneelsedoes,youwillonlyendupwitl
everyoneelse.Ifyouwanttostandout,standupforyourself.
SomyloudenvybecamequietrespectfortleToxicTwinwitl
tleamazinglips.Istilltlinkleisanincredibleman,butnowI
amlookingforawaytobeanequalnotadouble.Maybetlat
still means I am envious of a status ligl above wlat I lave
aclieved.MaybeIampragmaticandIknowIlavebeenex-
tremelyluckytolavetlecareerIlaveladsofar.
Iamnottlersttodesiresomesortofrecognitionfrommy
elders.Welavealwaysenviedtleonesbeforeus,wletleritis
ateenagerwantingtobetreatedlikeanadultoraworkerwant-
ingalittlerespectfromtleboss.Weallwanttletopspot,no
matterwleretlatspotlappenstobe.Itcanbeasnormalas
walkingtlrouglyourneiglborslousewitlaneyeforwlatyou
canimproveinyourown.Itcanbeassordidasanoedipalcom-
plexandacockedst.Weglttlegoodglt,butwlennoone
islooking,wewillalwaysndourselveslookingaround.Envy
willmakeamancleatonliswife.Envywillmakeawifefuck
tlepoolboy.Envywillmakeusallfuckeaclotlerovertogeta
betterwasleranddryer.Butisitasinorisitoneoftlosetlings
tlatcomestandardlikeaCPSinaLexus:
Tledevoutmasseslavetoldustimeandagaintlatfreewill
wasagiftfromCod.Idreadtosayitbuttlatmakesmypoint.
FreewillistleboxsetandyoursinsaretleDVDs.Wecome
loadedwitltlepropensitytodogreatandterribletlings.Free
willguaranteeswecandotlem.Buttlenweareexpectedto
believetlatsomeoneiswatclingeverytlingwedoandjudging
everysecond.Wlytlefuckdowelavefreewillifwearejudged
regardless:Andwlyslouldwegivearatsasspipeifweare
beingjudgedintlerstplaceifwealllavefreewills:Iguessit
allcomesdowntowlatyoubelieve.Ifyouareanatleist,you
justlavetodealwitllowotlerpeopleviewyourdeeds.Ifyou
areamemberoftlelolyock,notonlydoyoulavetoputup
witltlerestoftleCladysKravitzesoftleworld,butyoualso
lavetoworryabouttlebigscaryoldguyintlesky.Youronly
lopeistosubscribetotleNewTestamentgod.Heisalittle
morelenienttlantleOldTestamentgod.NewTestamentgod
willslakelisleadwitlaquietknowingsmile.OldTestament
godwillmakeyoueatyourclildrenjusttoprovetolimtlat
youbelieveinlisexistence.
Myownobservationslaveslownmetlatenvyjustmakesa
sadistic little sewing circle tlat complains about anyone not
knittingtleirassoff.Forsomereasonwecannotkeepournoses
toourselves.Ifwealljusttooklifeatfacevalue,itmigltbea
littleeasier.Butmostpeoplejustrefusetoseetlatsometlings
142 covvv :viov
areunattainable.Igetit:Everyguywantsafourwleelerand
everywomanwantsaguywlodoesnotwantafourwleeler.If
peoplewouldjustlowertleirexpectations,tleycouldsettle,
youknow,likepeopledoalreadywletlertleyrealizeitornot.
Wegetwlatwegetandwelikeit,evenifwedonottrulylikeit.
TlatisonetlingaboutenvytlatIcannotstand:Itmakesus
latetletlingswegetbecausetleyarenottletlingswewant.
Wlydowenotwanttletlingsweget:Iamcertaintlereare
otlerswlogettlesameslit.Butwedonotpayattentionto
tlosepeople.Tletlingswegetcannotbealltlatgreatbecause
those peoplelavetlem.Soenvygivesusanotlerreasontolook
downontlosearoundus,evenwlenwearesecretlylooking
uptotlem.
IwilltellyouwlatIdonotenvy.Peoplewitlatlletesfootare
notlingtobejealousof.Anotlerexampleistlelifeofagarbage
disposal.Tlatisjustgross.Howabouttlesnotendofadiseased
penis:WlereamIgoingwitltlis:Sorry,Iamsurroundedby
peopletalkingaboutstuffIamactuallyinterestedin.Iwillbe
rigltback.

Okay,itisadaylaterandIlavecoffee,quiet,andcountenance.
Living witl a million people in several different louselolds
makesitdiculttoconcentrate.Morningsliketlismakeme
envyawriterinliswood-ensconcedstudy,completewitlre-
placeandloyalgoldenretriever.Ilaveakitclentable,arotating
space leater, and an asltray covered in skulls wearing giant
leadplones.Ifyoutrysometimes,youjustmigltndyouget
wlatyouneed.Tlankyou,Mr.)agger.
Tlereisamomentineveryoneslifewlenyoundyourself
covetingsometlingbetter,sometlingmeaningful,andsometling
ofmerit.DanMarinowasoneoftlegreatestquarterbacksof
alltimeandyetleneverwonaSuperBowl.Iwillbetyouaton
ofmoneytlatleenviesTrentDilfer,wlowonaSuperBowl
witltleBaltimoreRavens.TleRockandRollHallofFameis
loadedwitlpeoplewlomayormaynotdeservetobetlere.
HowdoyoutlinktlatmakesbandslikeKissandRuslfeel,wlo
aretwooftlemostinuentialbandsofalltimewloarestillnot
intleHallofFame:Peoplecangoonandonaboutlowtley
arecontentwitlwlatlifelasgiventlem.Butatniglt,wlen
tleyarealoneandtleonlyvoiceaskingtlemquestionsisin
tleirlead,tletrutllangsintlesilencelikealeavyfogontle
moors.Ibelievewearenevertrulycontent,butItlinkmostof
uscancomeclose.Italldependsontledetails.Iamamanwitl
adeeploleinsidemetlatIlavetriedtollwitlallmannerof
subterfuge.IwillnotbeamansatiseduntilIamamanex-
lausted.Wearegivendreamssowecanimaginealifetlatisa
littlemorevestedintlefuture.Wearegivenlifesowecanexist.
Our minds are wlat stoke tle embers of desire. If Cod lad
wantedustolivewitloutsin,leslouldlavenevergivenus
tlepowertotlinkforourselves.
Tlatistrulytlecruxofmyargument:Peoplelavedeveloped
intobeingstlatwouldgiveanytlingtobefree.Welaveseenit
in revolution after revolution: men and women banding to-
getlertoslueoffanimmoralcoildisguisedasagovernment
tlatdoesnotlingbuteverytlingof,for,andbytlemselves.Tle
crookedclawtleirwayintotleleartsofleadersliptodismantle
andcontroltleverytoolsweweregiventoliveourlives.Tle
furtlerwegetfromtleprologue,tlecloserwegettotleexcit-
ingconclusion.Tlisisintlespiritoftlegreatmindswlolave
triedtopullustogetlerforsometlingweneverevenknewwe
deserved.Iamdoingmybesttocarryontlattradition,tocon-
144 covvv :viov
vincetlepeopletoriseupandtelltleoneswritingtlerules
tlatwewillnotbecabledintooneuniversalruleoftlumb.Iam
tryingtosetusfree,butjustwitlafewmorefartjokestlanyou
areprobablyusedto.
Inaworldwleretleinrmareminutesawayfromwalking
ontleirownandtleguiltyarenallycomingtojusticeeven
severalyearslater,wearetakingslakystepstowardlettinggo
ofmytlandsuperstitionandacceptingourselvesforwlowe
are:imperfectcreaturesofclance.PaintyourEastereggany
coloryouwantwewereaccidentsofevolution.Weareacom-
binationofaberrantcellgrowtl,electricalsynapseactivity,and
unbelievableluck.Wearewlatlappenswlensmartmonkeys
fuck.Makingitmoretlaniteverwasjustconfusestleignorant
andslowsouradvancement.Iamprobablyoffendingalotof
you,butIdonotcare.Weslouldbelookinginsideforanswers,
notdiggingintledirttondancienttextstlatsupplyaback-
story.Tlefutureismeantfortlosewloarewillingtoletgoof
tleworstpartsoftlepast.Wlenyoucannottaketwosteps
witloutturningaroundtoinspectyourfootsteps,youareget-
tingnowlerefast.Iknowmyancestorsblazedatrailsomewlere
aroundmyfamilytree.SoIwillkeepmyeyesontleroad,my
landsontlewleel,andmyearsopenfordistresscalls.
Envy is not only limited to awards and attery, it can also
come in a form of jealousy tlat is as common as a fart after
broccoli (see:). I call it tle Married Man Melancloly. Tlis
comeswlenamarriedmanisaictedwitlamaladysoviralit
tlreatenstleveryfabricoflismatrimony.Itstingstleleart,
piercestlelarmony,andleavesyougoingoveryourcloicesin
lifelikeunpaidbillsattaxtime.Iamtalking,ofcourse,about
singlefriends,butIdonotmeantlestandard-issue,factory-
builtsinglefriendwloislookingforlovebutremainsforlorn,
watclingYouve Got Mail allaloneonaFridayniglt.Iamin
facttalkingabouttlesinglefriendwloliveslikeHuglHefner
intle60sandtlentellsyouallaboutitlateron.Toyourwife,
leisknownastleBestManatyourweddingandtlatFucking
FriendofYourseverydayafteryourwedding.Andlewilldrive
youtocryinyourFrostedFlakesalot.
Tlissinglefriendcannotwaittoslarelissexualexploitswitl
you,sometimescallingyouintlemiddleoftlenigltwlilele
isstillattlewomanslouse.Tlissinglefriendlasgesturesand
landsignalstlatwouldmakeadeafpersoncalltlepolice.Tlis
singlepersonprobablylasacollectionofsoiledunderwearina
troply case somewlere in lis closet, taking tlem out on
WednesdaystocountlisscalpswlennotlingisgoodonTV.
Tlissinglefriendisascumbag,atotalasslole,andamangydog
ofanotlercolor.Yousecretlylovelimforit.
Tle married man will live vicariously tlrougl lis single
friendswlenmarriedlifeisstartingtotastelikewarmwater.I
know,marriageisabouttlelongtermandadeeperlovetlat
lastswellaftertleromanceisgone.Butamanisalsoacreature
ofinstinctifnotlabit,andlenevermissesaclancetotakea
lookatanotlerwoman.Itdoesnotmeanleisgoingtorunout
andslovelisfuckpumpintotlenearestandmostwelcome
vaginaitjustmeanstlatleislooking.Womencannotlandle
it,anditcausesalotofbullslit.Buttlisisjustlowguysare.
Wearemammalswitlanoseforpleromones,tlegreattrue
lunterssearclingfortlequickeningandtryingdesperatelyto
lideourmassivelard-ons.Becauseoftlis,wecarryagarbage
trucksizedamountofguiltwitlusfromdayonetojudgment
day.Itisnotourfault,wegowleretlewindtakesus.Buttle
sanctityofwedlockloldsatiglttetler,leavingustoglttlese
146 covvv :viov
feelingstokeepourwiveslappy,ourdayslessclaotic,andour
lomesquiet.
Butitdoesnotmeanwecannotliveanotlerlifetlrouglour
friends.Tlisisenvyinitsmostpureandunrenedform.Itgives
ussometlingtotlinkaboutwlilewetoilincubiclesorpound
outmanuallabor.Itgivesusjustalittlelintofspiceinourdiets.
Sure,weknowitisjustaigltoffancy,butinsidewecantran-
scend tle bland and be a little less cramped if only for tle
briefestofperiods.Idonotsaytlistomakepeopletlinktlat
marriageisaburden,Iamsayingtlisisreallyjustlowguysare.
Badmarriagesareburdensandgoodmarriagesaregodsends,
butmenwillalwaysjustbemen.Women,lowever,envywlolly
differenttlings.Notbeingawomanmyself,mindyou,tlisis
justspeculation,butItlinkIlaveaprettydecentgraspontlis.
Womendonotenvysillytlingslikedirtysexordrunkenascos,
altlouglIamsuretleyenjoybotlwlenreadilyavailable.No,
womenenvytletlingstlattrulymatterintleworld:statusand
stability.
Awomanwillliveabovelermeanstoappearwealtlier,more
glamorous,andmorecondenttlanslereallyislerwlolelife.
Slewillscrambleandscrapeforeverylittlepieceoftlegood
lifeslecanmustertogetaleadandstaytlere.Youmaytlink
tlisisaselsllittlebitonlerpart,andonmineforwritingit.
ButIdisagreeforonebigreason:Menlavedonesomuclto
ensuretlatwomenremainbelindtlemtlattleladieslavelad
toadapttlisreex.Sincetleinventionoftalking,womenwere
delegatedtokeepingtlelouseandappearancesfortlecave-
manprovider,tlusbeginningamillenniumofcompetitionbe-
tween tle sexes tlat crested witl Susan B. Antlony and
culminatedwitltleEqualRigltsAmendment.Iknowandyou
knowtlatwomenarejustasgoodandfuckedupasmen.Intle
endtleywillwintleirriglts.
Butintlebackoftleircerebrals,tlerewastlatinstinctual
tickletlatcravedstatusandlungeredfornotonlyaseatattle
tablebutalsotlenicestmostexpensivetableontlecul-de-sac.
Muclliketleinnerbattletlatmenfaceeverydaykeepingtle
sexualseedspreaderatbay,womenglttleirownsecretCet-
tysburgtryingtobalanceaworldwleretleylavetlerigltto
bewlatevertleyclooseandyetstillareworriedaboutwlat
tleneiglborslouseiswortl.Iamguaranteedaverbalbitcl
slapforsayingtlisslit,buttletrutlisasledgelammer.Iam
justtleguyintlelardlatswingingit.Iseeiteverydaybecause
Iworkwitlseveralstrong,committedwomenwloarealmost
alwaysbettertlantlementleyworkfor.Ilaveladtleprivi-
legeofpickingtlebrainsofquiteafewfemalesinapositionof
powerfarabovemine.Tleyarevital,slarpinstrumentsofin-
telligenceandsavvyandtleyknowexactlywlattleywant.But
everyfuckingtime,wlattleywantisusuallywlatsomebody
elselas.Sowomenarenotimmunetotleallureortlepalpable
tlrustofenvy.Tleyjustenvydifferenttlings.Somewouldsay
bettertlings.Iwouldsaymoreesoterictlings.
Buttlepriceoflongingisclargedtoacreditcardtlatdoes
lavelimits.Tlereisanitereservoirwecarryaroundlikea
camellump.Ifyougetwlatyouwantalltletime,youwillend
upwitlalltletimeyouwantandnotlingtoslowforit.Tlere
is a certain candor tlat comes witl denying satisfaction. It
buildsclaracter,breedsappreciation,andallowsforaclieve-
mentsofrealwortl.Yeal,yougetpissedforawlile,butwlo
reallyneedsabidetintleirgarage:Comeon,welavetostart
beingpracticalwitlourenviouswlims.Tlisisacountrytlat
doesnotlikebeingpractical,tlougl.Tlisisacountryofgame
148 covvv :viov
slowsandinstantwinners,ofself-startersandrisktakers.Tlis
isacountrywlereeverytlingcanbeyoursiftlepriceisriglt.
Socommonsensedoesnotreallyblendwlenall-outinstinct
goesintotlegameplan.PeoplewilllloutPublislersClearing
Houseentriesuntiltleireyesgonumbintlelopestlattley
can win $10 million in forty-eiglt lours. Tlen tley will not
lavetowatclMTVsCribstleycanbeonit.Nevermindtle
facttlatCribs featurestlelomesoftlefamous.Wlentley
wintleirmoney,tleywill befamous.Nevermindtlefacttlat
mostoftlebragging,grinningcocksuckersonCribs donoteven
owntlelousestleyareslowingoff.Itdoesnotmatter.Assoon
astleygetsometlingfornotling,alltleirtroubleswillgoaway.
Tlereyougo,people.Assoonasyougetsometlingfornotl-
ing,allyourtroubleswillgoaway.Istlattrue:Isitjusttlat
simple:Itseemstometlattlepeoplewloplaytlesegames
werenotalltlatgreatwitlmoneytobeginwitl,sowlattle
fuckaretleygoingtodowitl$10million:Tleywillwipetleir
asswitlit.Tlentleyarebackatsquareone,witldebtandin-
terest.Coodluckslingtlatgoldenlookoutofyoursplincter:
Itlasabarbedendandleavesamarklikeafucker.Useyour
pinky,itjustmigltlelp.Butcommonsenseloggedoutofour
clatroomsrigltaroundtletimeTlomasPainedied.Itedtle
scenelikelastcallatastripclub,leavinguswitlsoiledbillsand
creepy uncles lounging around sniffers row. Tle American
Conversationlasbecomeamonosyllabic,incolerentmessof
dudes,bros,fucks,andLindsayLolan.Allwecaretotalkabout
aretlingswecannotlave,peoplewecannotbe,andplaceswe
cannotgo.Inotlerwords,tleAmericanConversationisafuck-
inglovestorydevotedtoenvy.Andwlynot,man:Wepreacl
anewreligion,sowlyslouldwenotlavetlebestgodmoney
canbuy:Weslowtlebestslowsandmovetlebestmovesand
just out and out outdo tle rest of tlis giant blue pimple of a
planet.Wlynotrubitintotleglobaleyeballsalittlefurtler:If
pligltsaretlewoundstlisworldtriestolivewitl,Americais
afuckingten-year-oldwitlaSuperSoakerfulloflemonjuice
anddogpiss.Itlinktlisisoneoftlereasonswegotowarevery
tenyears.Wegetreallymadifwendtlatacountrydoesnot
lavetledecencytoenvyourfreedomliketlerestoftleworld
does.Ifwecannotbetlemostpopularkidinsclool,wewill
burntlecafeteriatotleground.Donotpassgo.Donotcollect
$200.Exterminatealltlebrutes!Makesyouwanttosalutea
ag riglt now, lul: I am condent tlat is exactly wlat our
foundingfatlersweretryingtoaccomplislwlentleysetdown
tleblueprintsforourtimelesscivilliberties.IlovebeingAmer-
ican,butIlateotlerAmericans.
Soyousee,tlisfeelingofenvypermeatesusall.Iamsure
mostofyouwouldbeveryupsetifIaccusedyouofbeingdirty,
stinkysinners,almostassureasIamtlatyouarealldirty,stinky
sinners,butnotbecauseofenvy.Weallgltoffboutsofboring
innerbotulismtlattlreatentlesweetbreadsofoursoul,but
wantingmoreandwantingitbettertlanbeforeisnoreasonto
tlrowoutlastnigltsclickenyet.Itmakesnodifferencetome
low you feel, really. I know wlere my moral limits lie. Envy
comeswitltleterritory,andifyouwanttolosesleepoverslit
youcannotcontrol,gorigltalead.Sorry,Ilaveanallergyto
stupidity.SoIspendalotoftimesneezing,especiallyinairports.
IgotlrougltonsofKleenex.TlatiswlyIamangrywitlyou
people.Youmakemesneeze.Stop being stupid!
Youwouldnotbotlermesomuclifyouwerenotsoenvious
ofidiotictoolbagslikeNicoleRiclieandTilaTequila.Tlese
peoplemakearmpitfartsseemclassy.Tleyaresprayedallover
TMZandUs Weekly likecoldjizzinapublicbatlroom.Tley
150 covvv :viov
arelardlyglamorous,lavenofuckingtalentwlatsoever,and
servenorealpurposeotlertlantomakeusfeelbadaboutnot
being tlem. Tley remind me a lot of tle dried remnants of
roguepisstlatcollectsandcreatestleorangecrustaroundtle
boltsonabaclelorstoilet:Assoonasyoundyourselfwitl
tlatproblem,youlavemadealtlymessanditisgoingtotake
alongtimetocomeclean.Tlerearegenuinesuperstarsintlis
worldtlatcouldnotgiveadrieddeerturdwletlerornottley
areinPeople ortleEnquirer.Iamstilltryingtogureoutwlo
intlelelltlisHeidiMontagpersonisandwlyIslouldgivea
redslitorevenwlyIknowlerdamnname.Apparentlysleis
asinger.Apparentlyslegotfuckingmarried.Andapparentlyall
youpeoplecared.Istilldonotlavetlefaintestclue.Iknowsle
isblonde(untilitisnolongerstylisl),Iknowslelasamoutl
atraincoulddrivetlrougl,andIknowwitloutasladowofa
doubttlatIdonotndlerappealingintlesligltest.Idonot
envylerlifeatall.Butsomeofyoudo.Wlywouldyouenvy
anyonewlolookslikeastuntdoubleattlePreakness:
Isittlemoney:Youcanmakemoney,kids.Evenpeopleliving
ontlestreetmakemoney.Tlatisnottlatdicult.Hell,Iknew
adudenamedSmileywlodidnotlingbutcollectbottlesand
cansandbumspareclangefromtlemomentlewokeuntiltle
momentlenallyslept.Heladafuckinglouseand aligl-end
Lexus.Sodoyouenvytlemoney:Doyoutlinkifyouarefa-
mousyouareautomaticallywealtly:Notlingcouldbefurtler
fromtletrutl.IamsligltlymorefamoustlanmostandImake
adecentlivinginmytaxbracket,butIamfarfromwealtly.I
cannotyetbuytletlingsIwanttobuy.ButonceIamincredibly
ricl,Iwilllavetlesetlings,likeanisland,alouseboat,anotler
island . . .andWyoming.ButIamstillfamous.Severalofyou
readingtlisbookknowwloIam.SomeofyoumiglttlinkI
amtlegaypornstarCoreyTaylor.Iamdeeplyattered!But
no . . .
Bytlesametoken,isittlefame:Doyouenvytlemfortleir
relativenotoriety:Doyouwislyoucouldwalkintoarestaurant
andgetatableimmediately,evenifyoustilllavetopayfullprice:
Tlatisnotaverygoodreasoneitler.Firstofall,mostfamous
peoplearesecretlyangryaboutbeingfamous.Tleydonotlike
beingbotleredjustbecauseyourecognizewlotleyare,even
tlougltleywouldbelotterundertledesignercollarifyoudid
notrecognizetlem.Yeal,tleylatebeingfamous,untiltley
arenotfamousanymore.Tlentleyjustlateyou.Havingsaid
tlat,Ilavetotellyoufameisnotallitiscrackeduptobe.Iam
tlekindofguywloisstillsurprisedwlenanyonerecognizes
me, but tlere are denitely times wlen it sucks, like walking
tlrougltlemallwlenyoulavetopissreallybad,knowingtlere
areveorsixtlirteen-year-oldsfollowingyoureverymove.You
feellikeyoulavebeentaggedbyNational Geographic.
Sowlatisityouenvyabouttlesescags:Doyouenvytleir
looks:)esus,Howard,Fine,Howard,andClrist,someoftlese
peoplelookmisslapen.Otlerslooklikeskeletons.Tlerestare
tooweirdtoreallygetabeadon.TlereistlatguyfromtleTwi-
liglt movies wlo looks like Count Clocula lad a baby witl
Frankenberry.TlereisAslleeSimpsonol,excuseme,Asllee
Simpson-Wentz.Slelookslikeacrossbetweenaclipmunkand
aratattack.Tlereistlebasiclotbrigade,peoplelike)essica
SimpsonandCwenStefani.Wlydoyouenvytlembecausea
coupleoffuckingcleerleadersdidsometlingotlertlanwind
upworkingatHooters:Welavestoppedgivingadulationto
tletrulytalentedandstartedgivingittotletrulyaverageintle
lopetlatbyloweringtlebar,weourselvesmigltbeeligiblefor
tlefameandglory.Maybetlatiswlyallwedoisclamorand
152 covvv :viov
clingtotleircoattailsandcuffs.Wemigltjustbetlemsome
day.
Hell,itmaynotbetlatfaroff.American Idol doeslugenum-
bersintlerstfewweeksandtlelastfewweeks,wliclmeans
twotlings:Weallwanttoseetlewinnersintleendbutwe
also want to scoff at and enjoy tle losers wlo get ripped to
slredsintlebeginning.Ilaveseriouslyneverseenanepisode
ofAmerican Idol pasttlersttwoslowsofeveryseason.Itis
sadismatitsgreatest:tlepointingandtlelauglingas,oneby
one,tlesebraveandcocksurelopefulsmakeandsnaketleir
wayaroundalinetlatmigltaswellgettlemintoDisneyland,
waitingloursandloursforatlirty-secondclancetomaybe
makeitontotlenextlalfoftleslow.Wlattleyslowyouisa
condensedversionwitllotsofliglligltsyoucancluckleand
feelgoodabout,becauseifyoutlinkaboutittoolong,youwill
realizeyouareafuckingasslolefordoingso.Wlattleydonot
slowyouaretlelourstlesepeoplespentwaitingandlowtley
gotmoreandmorenervousandprobablytlrewupacoupledif-
ferenttimes.Hereissomeperspective:Tlesamepeoplewlo
laugledatWilliamHungmostlikelybougltlisfuckingalbum.
Sositintlatslit.
IfsinswereaBroadwayplay,tlesesevenwouldplayoutas
sucl.Angerwouldbetleligl-energy,ligl-steppingopening
number.Vanitywouldbetleduetbetweentleleadingstars,all
inspotligltwitlnooneelseonstage.Lustwouldbetleorgy
number.Creedwouldbetlesolonumberfortlevillain.Clut-
tonywouldfeaturewaytoomucldancing.Slotlwouldbean-
otler boring ballad. All of tlis would lave a lot of red and
black-ligltspotsslining,velvetcurtainsyingaroundfromtle
jetenginefansblowingslitallover,andglitterystaircasestlat
arealittletooliglandleadnowlere.Tlesongswouldseema
littlerisqu,tledancerwouldslowalittletoomuclpussyand
cock,andtlemarqueenamesattacledtotleprojectwouldbe
tlemusicalequivalentofSpamandnutmeg.
Envysnumberwouldbetleonlysliningstarintleslow,be-
causeitwouldgocompletelyoverpeoplesleads.Itwouldlave
tobetleduetbetweentlevillainandtlelero,butitwould
slowlymorplintoanensemblepiecetlatinvolveseveryoneand
itwouldlavetobewritteninsuclawaytlatyouwouldnot
knowwlowaswlobecausebotltlevillainandtlelerosuffer
tlesinofenvy.Tlevillainenviestlelerobecauselegetstle
girl.Tleleroenviestlevillainbecausetlevillaindoeswlat-
everlewants.Tlegirlenviestlevillainbecauselegetstobe
bad.Tlecloruslineenviestlecorecastbecausetleygettleir
namesontleplaybill.Tledancersenvytlecloruslinebecause
tleydomoretlanjustdance.Meanwliletleaudienceenvies
everyoneontlestagebecausetleyareinaBroadwayslow.So
envywouldlavetobetleclosingnumberbecauseitwouldbe
tleonetlemetlattiesusalltogetlerattleendoftleniglt.
Tlatistletimeoftledaywlenenvylitsyouwlereyoulive.
Weallgobacktowlerewecamefrom,andtlewloletimewe
arewonderingwlateveryoneelseisdoing,envyingtlemystery
oftleirexploits.Itisnomystery,ourfantasiesarealwaysgreater
tlantlesumofalltleirrealities.Butwestillpinefortleirlives
wlilenextdooryourneiglborpinesforyours,andsoonand
soon.
Wealldoit.Weallfeelit.Wealldealwitlit.Itisatietlat
bindsalldifferentkinds.Solereismyquestion:Iftlisisacon-
cepttlatweallexperienceandweallletbringouttlebestand
worstinourselves,lowcanitbeasin:Remember:Sinequals
bad,andifyouareasinner,youareabadperson.Soareyou:
Doyouconsideryourselfapersonofillintent:Hereissome-
154 covvv :viov
tlingtotlinkabout:Avillainisnotlingmoretlansomeone
wloisconvincedtlatleorsleisriglt.Welavealwaysbeen
two lalves making one wlole. We lave botl dark and liglt
sides.Anyonewlolasaneyeandalandleonbotlisjustalittle
furtleraleadtlantlerestofus.AndtlatissomeoneIenvy
mostofall.
8
Gr eedy Li t t l e Pi gs
Mmmmmm . . .Creed.Sweet,indulgent,creamygreed:
more,more,moreforme,Me,ME.Itisasbenignasseasontick-
etsandasintricateasaPonziscleme.Itlasdrivenmenand
womentocommitlorrendousactsofselslatrocity,likecrusl-
ingoneanotlerinamall,scroungingforCabbagePatclKids,
BeanieBabies,ortlelatestPlayStation.Inslort,itcanandwill
makeyouinsane.Sadly,itisnotlikeClristmas:Itcomesmore
tlanonceayearandnooneisgreedyforsocks,exceptWembly
fromFraggle Rock,wlodoesnotcountbecauseleisapuppet
and,tlerefore,notreal.TlenagainitcouldlavebeenCobo,I
getallmypuppetsmixedupsometimes.
Creedistleurgetoownandobtaineveryactiongureon
tleplanet.Creedistleneedleintlebackofyournecktlat
puslesyoutoaddextrazeroestoyourownbankrollcleckat
tleoce.Creedistlenever-endingsearclforacompletionof
157
chapter
selftlat,sadly,maynevercome.Itisinallofus,anditisin-
evitable.Itiswealtlandstuffandclassandloldingsandevery-
tlingelsetlatspinstleleadfromtimetotime.Tlereisavery
seriousproblemwitlgreedattlemoment,butwewillgetto
tlatlater.Letsdosomebackgroundandguretlisoutbefore
wegoanyfurtler,slallwe:
Creedisaveryspecialsinontlislistbecauseinalotofways,
witloutgreed,someoftleotlersinswouldnotexist.Tlink
aboutenvywlatisenvybutbeingsogreedyyouwantsome-
oneelsesslit:Cluttonyisjustgreedforaparticulartling,beit
foodorotlerwise.Lustisanall-consuminggreedforsexatall
times,evenvanityisasortofgreedfortleesl,wantingonly
tobetlemostbeautifulcreatureknowntomanandTedKoppel.
Witlouttleotlers,greedcouldstandonitsown,aself-fullling
sensation.Butwitloutgreed,alotoftlesesupposedsinscould
notgetofftlerunway.
Maybetlatistlereasonitcomesrstonsomanylistsoftle
deadlysins.Itiscertainlytlemostpowerfulandyetitistle
mostesoteric.Itisnotpureemotionlikeanger,itisnotaplys-
icalrapturelikelust.Itisnoteasilyrecognizedlikeslotlorvan-
ity.Butgreed,wlennotkeptincleck,canwarptleveryOak
ofManmorecrookedlytlanalltlewatersoftleworld.
So,lavingsaidtlat,I am a greedy fuck.
Iwantitall,andIlavenoqualmsaboutadmittingoreven
embracingit.IwanttolavemoremoneytlanCod.Iwantto
doeverylittletlingtlatcomestomind.Iwanttowriteandstar
inamajormotionpicture.Iwanttobetlebiggest-sellingmu-
sicalartistofalltime.Iwanttoownlandandlavecoolslitlike
compoundsandnigltclubs.Iwanttobefearedandreveredbe-
causeofpowerandexcellence.Slit,evenwritingtlisbookis
158 covvv :viov
anexampleofmygreed,sure,itlasbeenadreamsinceIwasa
kid,butIamgreedyenougltowanttobesuccessfulatit.Soit
comesdowntosemantics,wlereonemansgreedisanotler
mansambition,andIlaveneverseenambitiononasinlistyet.
I understand tle consequences of being driven into tle
groundbytlisacumen.ButIalsoknowtlatgreedlasanotler
sidetoitscoin.Creedcanpuslpeopletobeanddotleirutmost
best,ultimatelyaclievingsuccessandrenownforingenuityand
innovation.Itcancausearevolution,itcouldcurecancer.Itcan
bring us screaming into tle millennium witl advances and
lurtlingtowardtlesunslinewitlbreaktlrougls.Itcanopen
tleoodgatestoalostofdifferentwayswecanallgetalead
intliscrazy,kooky)etsonsworldwearelivinginrigltnow.
Allbecausesomeguywantstlemoneytlattlepatentswill
bringin.
Notlingwrongwitltlat,people,notlingatallwrongwitl
tlat.Ittakessometlingspecialtogetuslumansoffofourasses
anddisengagedfromepisodesofHouse longenougltolealtle
world,andIamleretotellyoutlatitisnotalwaysclarityand
goodwill.Sometimestleonlyreasontoslowuptotleaward
slowistlefuckinggoodiesbag,youseetlemetaplor:Now
granted, some people work tirelessly to effect clange in tlis
worldpurelyfortlejoyofbringingligltintotleverydarkness
tlatbarksatourdoorsteps.Butsomewlere,deepdown,alot
oftlemwantsometling.Mostofus,Iposit,arespurredonby
aviciouslittlevibecalledtleUrge.
TleUrgeistlevoiceinallofustlatlasabottomlesspitfor
asoulandalltlefreetimeitcouldeverneed.Itfeedsontle
longingswetrytokeepquietanditbolsterstlemindsettlat
cannotlivewitloutourleartsdesires.Itislocatedrigltnext
toyourcerebralcortex,lyinginwaitfortloseopportunemo-
ments wlen it can spring into action and sell tle brain on a
simplelittletagline:
More,more,moreforme,Me,ME . . .
Butdoestlismakeitasin:Doestlismakeitdeadly:Idonot
believeso.Infact,tlemoreItlinkaboutit,tlemoreIamas-
sured tlat tlis sin in particular makes my point. We are all
greedyinsomeway.Wedonotallsubscribetotlesameneo-
Clristiandoctrines,andyetweallfeeltlebruntoftlesame
lumantraits.Soifbeinggreedyisjustanotlerwayofbeing
luman,tlentleriglteousaresayingtlatbeinglumanisasin.
Idaretlemtosaytlatslittomyface.
Ilaveareallygreatargumentagainstgreedisasindogslit.
HaveyouevereatenonesingleM&M:Hmm:Haveyouever
usedjustonesinglesquareoftoiletpaper:Haveyoueverlimited
yourselftojustoneketcluppacket:Haveyoueversleptmore
tlan your allotted government-recommended eiglt lours a
niglt:Well,notonlylaveyoubeenagluttonandaslotl(al-
legedly),youlavebeengreedy.
OnbelalfofmyfellowM&Mloverseverywlere,Iwouldlike
everyone wlo tlinks like tlat to kindly go fuck tlemselves.
Creed is just tle genetic need to acquire, and tlat las been
goingonsincewemovedintofrickincaves:Weneedgrasson
tleoor,andithas tomatcltlemossontlewalls.Weare
lunterigatlerers,andifyoudidnotbringbacktlebiggerbron-
tosaurus,youladtogoclubyourneiglbortodeatlandtake
lis.
Leaveittoreligiontomakegreedasin,bytleway.Iknow
lowitstarted.Initsleyday(i.e.,tleMiddleAges),tleClurcl
wasnotonlytleseatofspiritualmercyandgrandeurbutalso
tle place to obtain an education. Colleges were built by tle
160 covvv :viov
clergyand,moreimportantly,for tleclergy.Inordertoattend,
you lad to become a priest. Most commerce was presented
witlinspittingdistancefromtleClurclsdoorstep,andusually
tlevicarsgotalittlekickbackfortleirtrouble.Soimagineits
dismayifsomeonecamealongwlowaswealtlyandalittlebit
aleadoftlecurveintlesmartsdepartmentQ.E.D.:Heor
sleisguiltyoftlesinofgreed!
Wlatacrock.WastleClurclnotgreedywlentleykepted-
ucation for tlemselves: More to tle point, are religions not
guiltyofgreedandvanitywlentleysaytleirgodistleonly
realgodandtleirteaclingsaretleonlyrealteaclings,andtley
trytoloardalltlefollowersbydecryingtleotlerside:Itis
lorseslit,anyreligiontlatpreaclesone-sideddoctrinesisnot
religion at all but a fucking recipe for control and late. I am
talkingaboutClristianity,Islam,andanyotlerwayoflifetlat
triestocontrollifeitself.Tlezealotsoftleworldareusingfaitl
as a race to see wlo can sell tle most loly cookies because
wloeverlastlemostfollowerswins.Tleycombinescripture
andconspiracytleorytofaslionamandatetlatwillattracttle
lumaniestotlestickytrap.Wearetleequivalentofreligious
capitalnotlingmore.Wlentlosewloareleadingtlemasses
aredoingsonotbecausetleyareteaclingbutbecausetleyare
obsessedaboutwinning,youcanseetlatgreedcancorrupttle
mostardentandprovestlatnooneisabovereproacl.Weare
luman:Weareawed,andsayingtlatsomepeoplearenotcul-
pableisblasplemoustotlelumancondition.

Onaliglternote,Ilovemovies!
IlaveseveraltlousandDVDsinaroomIcalltleVault.Itis
airconditionedtomaintaintlepropertemperaturebecausemy
comicbooksarealsointlere.Tlemoviesarealplabetized,fol-
lowedbyanytitlestlatstartwitlanumber.Tleroomlassev-
eralslelvestlatencircleitscircumference.Itnowlasalockon
tledoorbecausemyfriendsborrowmoviesandneverbring
tlemback.Hey,fuckface,ImnotBlockbuster.Iwillbreakyour
fuckinglandsandlegs.BringbackmycopyofI Spit on Your
Grave,Mike!
Ilavesomanymoviestlatmanyarestillintleplastic.Ilave
somanymoviestlatIforgetwlatmoviesIlaveandIrebuy
tlem and end up giving tle old ones away. I lave so many
moviestlatIsometimeskeeptlemultiplecopiesbecausetlere
aredifferentversions.Ilavearoundtwelvedifferentversionsof
Reservoir Dogs:Ilavetleregularone,alltledifferentcolored
tentlanniversaryeditions,tlespecialeditionCasCanpackage
tlatwasreleasedfortlefteentlanniversary,andtleBlu-ray
version.IfIamanytling,Iamacollectorandanentlusiast.But
lereismyquestion:Wlatistledifferencebetweengreedand
collecting:Wleredoesfandomendandfanaticismbegin:Isit
greedifallmymoviesarealplabetized:
Weareallguiltyofsomegreed.Tlinkabouttlosetimeswlen
youneedapennyattleconveniencestore,andyouknowyou
laveapennyintlepocketofyourskinnyjeansandyoutake
onefromtlepennyplateanyway.Tlinkabouttlosetimesyou
were strolling tlrougl tle grocery store and you took a few
piecesfromtleBraclscandydisplay.Youguysdoremember
Braclscandy,riglt:No:Fraggle Rock neitler:Damn,Iamget-
tingold.
Youcancallitstealing,butIcallitgreed.Youdidnotneed
tlatpennyortlatdeliciouscandiedrootbeerbarrel,butyou
tookitanyway.Youwantedtolaveitsonooneelsecould.Tlat
162 covvv :viov
makes you a bad person. Not really, but it does make you
luman.Weallwantnotonlyourfairslarebutwlateverisleft
intletillaswell.Itislikeeatingalltlefriesattlebottomof
tlebagwlenyouknowsomeoftlemwereinyourwifesorder
offriesaswell.Tlewlolelumanraceistryingdesperatelyto
getmorefortleirmoney,tlespiritualsuper-saverdealsoto
speak. Is tlat greed: Not necessarily. You do not lave to be
greedytostandinlineforadiscount.Buttlebasemeasureof
wantingandneedingisintlatveryconceptofnecessity.Bring
amanaglassofwaterandlewilldrinkit,noquestionsasked.
Bring a man a slot of wliskey and le will complain over
wletleritisscotclorbourbon.Personally,Ipreferrye,buttlat
isjustme.
Alotofpeoplearegoingtosaytlisbookisjustawayforus
alltogetawaywitlproverbialmurder,butmypointismuclsim-
pler.Weallcarrysomuclfuckingbaggageinourlivestlattle
lasttlingweneedismoreslitwedonotneedfrompeoplewe
donotknow.Itislikewlenyouseetlesequeltoamovieyou
loveyou already know wlat las lappened beforeland. Tle
backstorygoeswitloutsaying.Soifweallknowweareluman
andwearegoingtomakemistakes,wlykeepslovingitdown
ourtlroats:Doyouwantustoclokeonmoralityorspitresent-
mentintoyourpupils:Weknowweareawed.Welearnfrom
aws.Ourawsmakeusunique.Wearetlesoiledsnowakes
oflistory.Buttosaywearegoingtoburninyourlellnotonly
forbeingbornbutalsoforbeingaliveistlegreatestpieceof
lypocrisyevercommittedtomytl.Tlecocksuckerstlatbewill
forevertrytoputtlewronginyourriglttobeanytling,and
tleyareterriedtlatsomeoneisgoingtocomealongandcall
tlemontleirbullslit.Tlattimeisnow,tlatsomeoneisme.
Realityisnotoriousforputtingitsownuniquespinontlesta-
tusquo.Tlereisacommonmisconceptionamongtlebelievers
andtleslakerstlatdamnationliesinlayingdownwitlevilin
its most dubious form. However, tle trutl is far from wlere
tleystand.Tledevilsweknowdonotcomeinanymedievalor
fantasticguisenoredsuitsorpitclforks,noreorbrimstone.
Tleylooklikeyouandme.Tledevilyoulavetowatcloutfor
lookslikeyourneiglbor,talkslikeasalesman,andfeelslikeyour
bestfriend.Holylelpyouifyougetalltlree.

Hereisatawdrylittletaleforyou.AbouttenyearsagoIwas
taugltaveryvaluablelessonaboutgreed.Iladjustreceiveda
sizablecleck,orasIampronetocallit,coinoftlerealm,be-
causeyouneverknowwlenyouaregoingtondit.Anyway,I
receivedtliscleckandItlougltmylifewassigned,sealed,and
deliveredfromevil.Iladnevermadetlatmuclmoneyinmy
entirelife,infact,ifyouweretoaddupalltlemoneyIladever
madeinmylifeupuntiltlatpoint,itwouldnotlaveequaled
tlisonecleck.Iamnotbragging,ifIwere,Iwouldtellyoutle
amount.Itwasnotintlemillionsoranytling.Iamjustputting
itintoperspectivesoyouunderstandwlatlappensintlerest
of tlis story. People say money does not buy you lappiness.
Wlattleydonottellyouistlatlosingmoneywillmakeyou
loseyourmind.
Anyway,IfellintotlesamecliclmistaketlatIladalways
readabout.AfterIladspentabunclofit,IdecidedIwasgoing
toplayitsafeandinvestitintocompaniestlatIwouldeitler
startmyselfortlatalreadyexisted.SotlerstcompanyIin-
vestedinwasaT-slirtcompanytlatIladbeenplanningto
startwitlapersonIwillcall)immy.)immyandIladbeentalk-
164 covvv :viov
ing about doing sometling togetler for a long time, and it
seemedtlatnowtlatIladtlecapitaltodoso,wecouldget
started.Wedecidedtostartsimpleandprintwlite-on-blackT-
slirtswitlcleversayingstlatweladcomeupwitl.Itwasfool-
proofnoartworktoreproduceandnowriterstopayoff.SoI
sent )immy a large deposit of money to get tlings started. I
knowwlatyouaretlinkingandIconcur.Tlatwasindeedmy
rstmistake.Doyouknowwlat)immydid:Heusedsomeof
tlemoneytoprintafewT-slirtstlatletlenletsitinboxes
andlespenttlerestbecauseitwasabusinessexpense,tlatis,
ledidnotlaveajobandleneededgas,food,andcigarettes.
Aftergoingbackandfortlwitl)immyforseveralmontls,I-
nallycuttieswitllimandwroteofftlemoneyasaloss.Itwas
notlikeIwasgoingtomaketlesamemistaketwice,riglt:
SotlesecondmistakeImadewasatattooslopIlelpedstart
witlafriendIwillcallLouie.Louiewasareallygoodtattoo
artistandladalreadystartedoneslopintownwitlsomeone
else.HewaslookingtostartlisownandIwaslookingforsome
waytogetsomemoneybackandstillbeasortofloudsilent
partner.Soaplanwaslatcled:Findaspotwleretlerewould
belittlecompetitioninoureldandnotonlyoffertattoosbut
also piercing, T-slirts, and jewelry. I advanced lim a good
clunkofclangeand,wlileIwasatit,bougltsomeadtimeat
someoftlelocalradiostationsforgoodmeasure.Itwasonlya
matteroftimebeforeIwouldseealittlereturnonmyinvest-
ment.Youlavetolovetleindestructibilityofyoutl.
Tleslop,asyoucanguess,wasaop.Louiesetitupanlour
outside of Des Moines in a town tlat suffered from clronic
smalltownlypocrisy.Healsoliredtwooftleworstartistsin
tlebusinesstolelplim.Tleplacewasclurningoutslittyink
atliglprices.Itriedtobuymoreadtimetogetmorebusiness,
but it was no use. Tle slop went under. Louie went off and
startedanotlerslopwitlanotlersucker.Iateanotlerlandful
ofslittogowitltlemoneyIladlost.Itwasokay,tlougl.It
wasnotlikeIwasgoingtomaketlesamemistaketlreetimes,
riglt:
SotletlirdmistakeImadewastleworstofall.Itinvolved
peoplewlowereveryclosetomeanditripsmylearttopieces
totlinkaboutit.Outofrespecttotlem,Iwillkeeptleiriden-
titiescompletelyanonymous.Itmakesnodifference,tlougl.
Tleloanwassubstantial.Tlelosswasincredible.Iliterallylave
notlingtoslowforit.Ilavenotbeentlesamesince.Iended
upinnancialtrouble,andforafewyearsIwasclasingtletail
endofataxdebtIladnotplannedtolave.Creedladmade
metlinkIwassmartertlanIreallywaswitlmoney.IfIlad
satontlatmoney,Iwouldbedoingverywellrigltnow.Instead
Iturnedintosomekindofcarpet-bagginglunatictryingtotriple
everycentinmypocket.Iftlewloleordealtaugltmeanytling,
itistlis:Creedmakesyoudotlemostinconsideratesliton
tleplanet . . .andIslouldlavejuststucktosinging.
Irecoveredfrommyfollies,tlankgod.Inevergotadimeback
fromanyoftlem,butIcansaykarmaisatootlyrabiddog.
)immyisnowbrokeandlisteetllaverottedoutoflisface.
Louielosteverytling,includingliswife,andladtoleavetown.
Tleotlerpeople,well,letsjustsaytleyarelivinginalellI
wouldnotevenwanttodrivebyonaroadtrip.Intleend,tle
experienceandtleknowledgeItookawayfromitalllasbeen
wonderful.TodayIamsmarterwitlmymoneyandletpeople
wlodoitprofessionallylandleitforamodestfee.Idonotstart
orinvestincompaniesanymore:Ibuylouses.Realestatemay
uctuate,buteveryoneneedsalouseatsomepoint.Isetup
college funds for my clildren and I am saving tle rest for a
166 covvv :viov
louseboat. Tlat way, no matter wlere I am oating, tlat is
wlereIlive.Tlewaywasrougl,butIgottlere.Iamwisertlan
Ilaveeverbeen.IamnotageniusIstillforgettoputtleseat
downandmywifelatesit.ButIamgettingtlere.Soafterall
tletlingsIlavetakenawayfromtlatandalltletlingsIlave
learned,IcansafelysaytlatwitloutgreedIwouldnotlavebe-
come tle man puncling tlese sliny keys today. If I took so
muclawaybecauseofgreed,lowcantlatbeasin:
Peoplegetuncomfortablewantingtlings.Itmakestlemfeel
likePeterLorreinM.TleybelievetleZen-likeSoCalwayis
tolettlingscometoyou.Iftleydo,partake.Iftleydonot,tley
werenotessential.Ol,okay,letmeaskyoutlis,Buddla:Did
tlat$3,000land-knit,sweatslopparkacometoyouinadream:
Didallyoursillycoloredrocksandsuncrystalsarriveonyour
doorstepfromtleHippyStork:No.Youwentoutandfucking
bouglttlemlikeanyreligiousnut.Youclosetopawyourway
tlrouglbinsoflittertondamatclingsetbecauseyourpeyote
circle would denitely stare and talk about you if you mixed
summerand wintercoloredstonestogetler.Tlatslitisjustnot
cricketintleSectSet.Iwislpeoplewouldjustownuptotleir
fuckingfeelingssometimes.Sadly,tlatisjustnotlowtlisboard
gameisplayed.
Creedisacommonfacilitatorfortlingslikeplilantlropyas
well.Celebritiescompeteconstantlytoappeartlemostclari-
table.IfAngelina)oliegives$1milliontoAfrica,tlenMadonna
lastogive$2milliontoAIDSresearcl.IfStinggives$3million
tocancer,tlenOprallastogive$4milliontofeedtlelome-
less.Donotlettlesepeoplefoolyou:Itisallabouttlegameat
tleendoftleday.Ifitweretrueclarity,youwouldnoteven
knowtleyweredonatingmoney.Tlewlolepointisforyouto
notice and take tle lint: Tley are superstars, but tley lave
leartsofgold.Butafoolandlisgoldaresoeasilydivided.Iam
suretlereareafewwloactuallycareabouttleircauses,but
severallundredoftlemarenotwortltlecleckstleyprayto
Allaldonotbounce.Creedcanmakeyoucrazy,butitwillmake
you even crazier if people miss all your attempts to not look
greedy.
Tlisblinkingcursorismockingmebecauseitis4:37a.m.and
Icannotfallasleep.Ilaveleavyeyesandatiredbody,butmy
brainrefusestoslutoff.Yousee,itlasnotreallytakenmevery
longtowritetlisbook.Itallstartedwitloneclapterdonein
rapidretypingandngernailsblazing.TlenInisledanotler,
andanotlerandanotler.AllofasuddenIwasverynearlycom-
plete.Mybrainwasgettingcocky.Itwasgettinggreedyformore
words,moresyntax,andmoreprecociouspunctuation.Itwas
wlisperinginmyearswliclIknowisimpossiblebecauseit
resides between said ears, but accurate nonetlelessMore,
more,moreforme,Me,ME!!Tlatissuclacatclylittlebitof
prosetlatIcannotlelpbutkeepsayingit.Sobecausemybrain
wasgreedyformoreprogress,lereIsitintlerecessesoftle
niglt,tappingsentencesintomyredlittlewindowtotleworld.
Hopefullysoontlesesentenceswillinltrateaboundbitofre-
nedwoodpulpsoyoutoocanseewlatlappenswleninsom-
niaandcreativitymakeyourgraymatterappearasafaceless
voiceinyourlead.Beforeyouaskno,Iamnotsclizoplrenic.
Iamjustcrazyandcannotsleep.HowcanIsleepwitlalltlese
voices:Isweartlatguysoundsjustlikeme.Mygreedismani-
festingitselfintleguisesofinvisibleKerouacsandTlompsons
wloaresiftingtlrouglmytlresloldslikecopstryingtoscore
someDNAoutofmygarbage.ItisalittlecreepylereinTen-
nesseetlismorning,folks.
168 covvv :viov
Tlatremindsme:CordonCekkoisoneoftlecoolestmovie
names ever. It is riglt up tlere witl Indiana )ones or Dartl
Vader.CordonCekkoisaclaracterplayedbyMiclaelDouglas
in tle 1987 lm Wall Street and reprised in 2010 witl Wall
Street: Money Never Sleeps.IfEbenezerScroogeistlegrand-
fatlerofgreed,CordonCekkoislisbastardson.Hispliloso-
plyisverysimple:Creedisgood.Nowlemaylaveturned
into a serious son of a bitcl in tlat ick, but on its face, tle
tleoryissound.Creedcanbegoodifkeptatbaywitlreason.
Itcanpuslyoutomakeadreamcometrueanditcanlelpyou
realizetlatlifedoesnotlavetobeaboutsufferingandfasting.
Butlikeaddiction,tlebadendoftlisdirtypoolisaslipwreck
alltoofamiliarintliscountry.LookatBernieMadoff.Iamsure
tlatmotlerlesswloreseedlasmoneystasledinplaceswewill
nevereventlinktolook.Tlerearesomanystrikesagainsttlis
guytlatIwouldbelard-pressedtondonetlatwouldsum
everytlingup.ButIdid.Itisverysimple:Anyonewlosteals
fromKevinBaconslouldlaveliskneespusledouttlewrong
way.IwouldwanttobetleresoIcouldtakepictures.Andalso
soIcouldtakeacrackatlimwitlacrowbar.
Tlatisanextremecase,Iknow,butlookatalltlemaylem
tleworldmarketlasbeengoingtlrouglfortlelastfouryears.
Tliscamefromderegulatinglawstlatwereputinplacefora
fuckingreason.TlismakestleS&Lscandalsoftle80slook
likeyoujustlostyourwallet.Tlisisuncleckedgreedandtley
donotcare.Hell,mostoftlegoddamnCEOsarestilltryingto
give tlemselves pay raises. Tle president wants to do some-
tling,andCongresswouldbacklimupifitwerenotfortle
facttlatthey are guilty of doing the same thing. Creedisnota
poormanssin,butitisapoormansburden.Iftlesefucking
sycoplants would stop staring at tleir bank statements long
enougltolookintlemirroronceinawlile,tleymigltnotice
tleyareturningintomonsters.Peoplearelosingtleirjobs,tleir
investments, and tleir savings, wlicl means tley are losing
tleirlousesandtleirlives.Dotlesericlwlitefuckersrealize
tlat by raping tle American dream, tley lave left us witl a
globalnigltmare:
Creedisnotafriendlyglostsometimes.Butlogicwouldstate
tlatgreedcouldbeusedastlefuelforambition.Donotgetme
wrong:Ilavenoproblemswitlwealtl.Ilaveaproblemwitl
corruption.Tlerearemanypeoplewlolavesucceededintleir
liveslonestly(moreorless),andIapplaudtlem.Tlisisnot
aboutmyproblemwitlcapitalism.Tlisisaboutmyproblem
witl egomaniacal materialism. Tlese wlite-collar one per-
centersaredestroyinglealtlybusinessinstinctsandreplacing
tlemwitlsladystockpracticesandillegalkickbacks,leaving
uswitlnotonlyacrisisoffaitlbutalsoavacuumofetlicalval-
ues.AndtletlingtlatIlaveneverguredoutiswlyalmost
alloftlemareRepublican.Tlenitcomestome:Republicans
donotcareabouttlecountry.Tleycareabouttleiragenda.
Tlenagain,tleDemocratsdontcareeitler.Iftleydid,tley
wouldstanduptoRepublicanbulliesandtelltlemtogofuck
tlemselves.Instead,tleywaeandgivegroundlikeClamber-
laintryingtotalkliswayoutofgivingHitleranOldStranger
landjobinVersailles.Tleonlyrealreasontlatmostpeoplend
tlemselvesmovingtotleRigltisbecausetlatpartylasalways
exudedstrengtlandcondence.Everyonceinawlile,Demo-
cratsstumbleonalappyaccidentandndacandidatetlatcan
loldlisorlerownagainsttleeleplants,butfortlemostpart,
tleylavebeenregardedastlePussyPartysinceIwasakid.So
170 covvv :viov
tleperceivednotionofstrengtloversladowstlecleargreed
andlackofconscience.Two-partysystemswork,buttleyonly
workfortlepeoplewlobelieveinatwo-partysystem.Tlere
isagoodbitofgreedriglttlere:Tletwo-partysystemdoes
notallowforotlerpeopletostepupanddotleirbestfortle
country,andwlentleydo,liketleCreenPartyortleLiber-
tarians,tleyarepaintedasfreaksormistsbytlemajorparties.
Sowloisexemptfrombeinggreedyexactly:
Iknowonetling:Tlemorepeopletrytorepressnaturalfeel-
ings,tlemoretleycomescreamingtotlesurfaceinadarker
visage.Honestly,dealingwitltlingsnaturallyistleonlywayto
developmaturityandcommonsense.Tlebenetsofexperience
faroutweigltletenorofteaclings.Youneverknowwlentlose
teaclingswillbelacedwitlpersonalopinion.Inotlerwords,
becarefulwloyoulistentobecauseyouneverknowifyouare
learingfactorconjecture.Commonsenseisnotsocommon
anymore.Hereistledeal:Ifyoudonotneedgreedinyourlife
andarecompletelysatisedwitllow-riskcontentment,tlen
tlatisnewitlme.Tlisisnotateletlonforgreed.Butifyou
areadrivenpersonwlolongstomakesometlingexceptional
outofyourlife,tlenwlyslouldyounotdoyourtling:Again,
greeddoesnotalwayslavetobeapatltoutterdestruction.It
canbeapatltoterrictlingsandstupendousaclievement.It
allcomesdowntolowyouliveyourlife.Creedisatool.Take
aminutetotlinkabouttlat.No,itisokayIwillwait.Ilave
topeeanyway.Iwillberigltback.Helpyourselvestoclipsand
dip.Donoteatallofitandnodoubledipping.Tlatmeansyou,
witltlemoustacledonotgetyourfacepubesinmytacodip.
Seriously! Keep your boner broom away from my bean dip!
Everyonelaveenouglpuncl:IdonotknowwlyIamserving
punclatapartytlatonlyexistsinmylead,butfakepunclis
bettertlannopunclatall,riglt:Atleastitisnotafancy-dress
oravicarsand-wlorespartyIamnotcompletelyweird.
Takeyourmeds,Taylor,forfuckssake.

Onafairlyseriousnote,ifyouwanttoseerealgreedinaction,
takeacasualstrolltlrouglanycasinoinLasVegasor,fortlat
matter,tleairportoranyconveniencestoretlatlaselectricity.
Ifgreedisagiantluntingknife,tlengamblingis)olnRambo,
usingittonotonlygarretpeopleswindpipesbutalsotosewup
anypeskywoundsobtainedinbattlewitltleneedleandtlread
stored in tle knife landles trusty secret compartment. Las
Vegas,atleastontlestrip,isawondroustlemeparkwitlacast
ofclaracterstlatanyctionwriterwouldmasturbateover.Tle
funnytlingistlatpeoplewloarewelloffenougltogamble
andlosearecalledwlales.Peoplewlocannotaffordtogamble
andlosearecalledaddicts.Sowloisgreedyandwloisanatl-
lete:IwatcltleWorld Series of Poker alltletime,andwlen-
eversomeonegoesallinonapairoftens,Ijustwanttosmack
tlatpersonintlefacewitlmydick.Creedisneveragoodpart-
nerwlenyouaretryingtobluff.Yousweatlikeasexoffender
andyourgiveawaytellslikeakidwitlADiHD.Wlentoomucl
isatstake,gamblingisnolongerrecreational.Itisgreed,pure
andsimple.Creedtakesoverwlenyouaretryingtobreakeven,
oratleastcoveryourlosses.Creedturnsamanwitlapoker
clipintoamanwitlanobsession.
Ilavebeenonbotlsidesoftlis.Ontleligltersideofgam-
bling,IwasstrollingtlrougltleRioonenigltandfounda$25
cliplyingontleoor.Iladimbibedafewcocktailsandwas
feeling lucky, so I said fuck it and muscled up to one of tle
172 covvv :viov
blackjacktablesforafewlands.Iwalkedawaywitl$800even
afterItippedouttotledealerandtlewaitress.Iwasecstatic.
Ibougltaroundofdrinksforsomefriendsandmanagedto
loldontotlerestofitlongenougltobuyabeat-uppawnslop
acousticguitartlatIusetowritetlemajorityofmysongswitl
totlisdayalappyendingtoaprettycoolstory.Nobodydied,
nobodysoldtleircar,andnobodyfeltcompelledtocleanout
tleclildrenscollegefunds,sowelldone,riglt:
Tledarkersideofgamblingneverevenoccurredinacasino.
Itlappenedabout2,000milesfromLasVegas,andtlerewere
onlytlreepeopleintlegame.Wewereplayingagamecalled
InBetween,wlereinadeckofcardsisdealtouttwoatatime
intotwopiles.Foreverytwocardsplayed,tlebettingoccurs
wlenyoulavetoguesswletlerornottlenextcardwillfallin
betweentleprevioustwo.Saytlerstcardisakingandtle
nextcardisatlree.Ifyouplaceabet,tlenextcardlastobea
cardfromtlequeentotlefour.Soundsimple:Itisnt.Ifyou
catclaqueen,two,andtlenextcardisoutsidetlosetwo,you
paywlatisintlepot.Ifitiseitleraqueenoratwo,youpay
double.Itisagametlatcangeneratealealtlymoneypoolvery
quicklybut,intleprocess,maketleplayerspayaleavyprice
iftleygetinovertleirleads.
Nowtlegreattlingaboutgamblingamongfriendsisyour
oddsofwinningdouble.Buttlebadtlingisyouroddsoflosing
stay tle same. I would love to say I did not lose $30,000 in a
round of private gambling, but I did. It sucks even tlinking
aboutit,butattlesametime,ittaugltmeafewvaluabletlings
aboutmyself.Foronetling,IpaidupassoonasIcould.Idid
notlave$30Konmeattletimebutneitlerdidanyoneelsein-
volvedintlegame.ItwastleriglttlingtodoandIamanlon-
estperson,wliclleadsmetotlemostimportanttling:Honor
yourdebts.Itiseasiertocutyourlossesandwalkawayclean
tlantogetintotlecycleofusingotlerbetstopayfordebts.I
donoteverwantanytlingliketlatlangingoverme.Tlesec-
ondtlingIlearnedwastlatyouslouldnotgamblewitlmoney
youdonotlave,andbytlatImeandonotgamblewlenyou
cannotaffordit.TlesedaysIonlygamblewitlmoneyIlavein
mypocketorwlateverIgetfromone trip totleATM.Itwill
keepyoufrommakinggreedymistakesanditwillkeeptlefun
inyourgambling.Bytleway,Idonotsaygamblinglabit.A
labit is sometling you do every day, a quirk tlat develops
aroundyourpersonalityandyourdailymovements.Agambling
labitisagamblingproblem,andIwillnotsubscribetousing
euplemismstocovertlefacttlatsomepeoplelaveaproblem
witl gambling. I am not encouraging people to gamble tleir
moneyaway,Iamencouragingpeopletogambleresponsibly
andforfun.
RigltnowyoumigltbeaskingwlyIpaidtlatkindofmoney
intlerstplacebecauseitwasbetweenfriendsandtlerewas
nocompulsionorrulestomakemedoso.Tlatisverysimple:
lonor.Iknowitmaysoundstupidtosomepeople,butlonoris
tobeexpectedaswellaspracticed.IfIladbeenontleotler
endoftlatdeal,Iwouldlaveexpectedtobepaid.Iwouldlave
expectedtlatdebttobelonoredtlesamewayIlonoredmy
lossandpaidinfull.Honorgoesbotlways,justlikegreed.So
ifyoulavelonorinyourlife,greedwillnevergetanastylold
onyou.Creedtakesasinisterturnwlenyoudumplonorby
tlesideoftleinterstatelikealitcllikertlatrefusesrepeated
requestsforalappyending.Butwlenyoutaketleliglroad
andrespecttlewlimsoffate,youandyourwaywardpassenger
willgettowlereyouwanttogosafelyandquickly.
174 covvv :viov
Idonotreallygambletlatmuclanymoreregardless,andnot
becauseIamafraidoflosingbutbecauseitiswlatitis:agreat
waytoletoffsomesteamandputalittletravelontleclainI
keepmyowngreedonatalltimes.Myoneweakness,lowever,
istleStar Wars slotmaclinesattlePalmscasino.Iknowtlat
isnottletouglestsoundinggamearound,butIlavefun,and
TexasHoldEmlasbecomesodamntrendyIwouldnotwant
anyonetoseemeplayingit.Nottobrag,buttlelasttimeIwas
attlePalms,Iwon$3,000overtlecourseoftlreenigltson
tloseslots.Ionlyrisked$400.Itwasfun:MygangandIwere
enjoying complimentary )ack and Cokes and yelling and
screaming, we were attracting spectators wlo wanted to see
wlattlelubbubwasabout,andattleendofmystayIbasically
paidforlalftleexpensesIaccruedinlotellodgings.Funisfun,
compulsionisadisaster.Butgreedisnottoblame.EverybodyI
knowlasaddictivepersonalities.Creedisjustonemorelegfor
tlose personalities to stand on. You lave to gure it out for
yourselfintlelongrun.
SoIguesstlequestionbecomeslowstableisyourgripon
yourself:Peoplelavebeenintlemarketfortlebigger,better,
now since tle bitter, better, tlen. Creed las its roots in tle
lunterandtlelungerinallofus.Welaveitinouruserman-
ualstowantandtoacquire,toearnandtotake.Tome,tlisis
tleretlatoriginallygotusallgoingpasttleboundariesofour
minds.Wlatisgreedbuttletlirstformore:Tlatsoundslike
discovery.Tlatsoundslike progress.Tlatsoundstomelikea
littlebitofeverytling,riglt:Tlereisasliverofgreedinevery
stepwelavetakenfrommedievaltomedical,fromsuperstition
to science. Tle greediest minds wanted more tlan mytl lad
tooffer.Tlemastersofouruniversegotatasteofsometling
signicant.Andeventlougltleimmensityoftlatknowledge
madetlemfeelabitinsignicant,itwasenougltomaketlem
greedyformore.Tledeptlsoftlelumancapacityareimmeas-
urable,andgreedmakesourleartsvoraciouswlenitisbenton
ndinggreattlings.
I lave been greedy my wlole life, but not in any way tlat
wouldmakemefeellikeasinneroraslamed.Iwasgreedyfor
intelligence,soIfedmyselfbooksandanytlingelseIcouldto
aclieveit.Iwasgreedyforlife,soIdidmyverybesttogoout
andliveit.Iwasgreedyformusic,soIspentalifetimesifting
tlrouglsouglt-afteralbumsandtapes,tlenCDsandMP3sto
experience it. I was greedy for love, so I went after tle most
beautifulwomenIladeverseen,andevenwlenwebrokeeacl
otlerslearts,welovedaslardaswecouldtofeelit.Tlereis
greedinmyblood.Hell,tlereisgreedinyourblood.Tlepeople
wlotellyouotlerwisearegreedyforcontrolofasmanyofyour
emotionsastleycanget.Maybetlatdoesincludemebecause
Iamtryingtoundoyearsofoutsideinuence.Peoplewilltlink
tlatisaveryloftystatementandtlatItlinkveryligllyofmy-
self.OfcourseIdo.WlywouldIwriteabookifIwerenotgoing
toattempttoclangesomeminds:WlywouldIbedoingtlisif
IdidnottlinkIladapoint:Tlenaysayersarealangmansjury
offreetlougltandIamyourlawyer.Fortunately,yourlawyer
lasacase.Nooneslouldfeelbadabouttleirdoubtsespecially
iftlerearenolonestreasonsforfeelingassucl.
Fornow,weallgoaboutourlivestlesamewaywealways
lave,witltleguiltoftledeadandanxietyfortleunknown.
Someoneotlertlanmyselfsaidtlatsomeslit,suceittosay,
justdoesnotwasloff.Maybewearenotreadytosledtlestig-
masoftlesequote-unquotesins.Maybetledecadeswelave
spentimmersedintlelaugltysigltsoftlerepressedlaveleft
176 covvv :viov
usallalittlelesslikelytoiptlescriptrigltaway.Butmyone
aw las always been my one strengtl: I see tle potential in
everyone.Iknowtleworldlaswlatittakestodowlatittakes.
SoIwillwaitpatiently.Iwillnotbegreedywitlyourtimeor
your decisions. I know good tlings come in due time. And I
lavetime.Ilavealltletimeintleworld.Itjustmeansmore,
more,moreforme,Me,ME.
Ilavetimefortlat.
9
Gl ut t on for Puni s hment
DidIevertellyouIusedtoliveinacloset:Truestory.
Iwaslivingwitlmymotler,mysister,mymomsbestfriend,
lerdauglter,andwlomevertletwomatriarclslappenedto
bedatingattletime.WeladrentedalouseoutsideofWater-
loo,anoldfarmlouseonaplotoflandtlatnooneladbotlered
toworkinyears.Itladacoupleofoutbuildings,asilo,anda
circledrivewayIwasforcedtoridemyten-speedaroundfor
loursbecausewewerenotcloseenougltotownformetoride.
Anyway,Iladnotladmyownroomsincebeforemysisterwas
born.Sowlenmymomtoldmetlenewlousewouldlavea
roomforme,Iwasactuallystokedtonallylavemyownfuck-
ingroom.FortlebetterpartoffouryearsIladbeenslaringa
roomwitlnolesstlanfourdifferentkids,allofwlomwere
youngertlanme.IwasgettingtotlepointatwliclIneeded
myownspace.Ineededalittleprivacy.Tleyalludedtotlefact
tlatitwasalotsmallertlanItlouglt,butIleardnotlingbut
179
chapter
myandroom.SoasIpackedallmystuff,Iwaspreparingwlat
I would do: I would lang my Iron Maiden posters on all tle
wallsandsetupmyradiorigltnexttomybedsoIcouldlisten
tomyCeorgeCarlinalbumstogotosleep.Teenagersonlyfeel
goodwlentleyarealoneintleirownlouse.Iwasreadytoget
outoftleromperroomandintotleliglscloolconfessional.
ImaginemysurprisewlenIlandedwitlbotlfeetattletop
oor,ungopentleleavydoorandfoundwlatmynewdigs
were.Yeal,itwasaclosetattletopofastaircasewitlnoliglt
andnoelectricaloutlets.SoevenifIlungmypostersIcould
notseetlem.IladtobuybatteriesformyradiosoIcouldlisten
tomymusic,andtleywereconstantlydying.PlusIladtokeep
itdownbecauseeveryoneintlelousecouldlearmyradiosee-
ingasIwasattleapexoftlelouse.Tlerewasnoleat,nowin-
dows, and no end to tle dust and spiders and smells tlat
collectedintlatdark,fuckedupplace.Itwasstuffliketlatand
alostofotlerreasonstlatmademerestlessandreckless.Igot
tleslortendoftlesticksooftentlatIjuststartedstayingaway
fromlome.
TlatwaswlenIdiscoveredtlejoysofspeedandcocaine.I
did not want to sleep and I did not want to go lome. I just
wanted to run forever. I was gone all tle time, and I did not
reallycarewlereIwasorwloIwas.AllIwantedtodowasnd
tle next party so I could forget and feel alive. Pretty soon, I
weigledonelundredpoundsandmyeyesladdarkercircles
tlanmostcultmembers.Iwaslivingindirtyjeansandsquats
betweenboutsoflauglingatlifeandcryingoverdeatl.Iwas
losingfriendsdaily.Iwaslosingmymindslowly.
Tlen,wlenIwassixteenyearsoldIwokeupinadumpster
witlnoslirtandbloodonmyface.Iwasmissingmysloesand
I was twelve miles away from my louse. I lad no money, no
180 covvv :viov
ride,andnocluelowIladgottentlere.Iguesstlatiswlata
cocaineoverdosegetsyouatapartywlereyoudonotknow
anyone and tley do not know or want youdumped, aban-
doned,andbloody.Tlesunwasblaringinmyface,sendingme
signalstlatIladdonesometlingidiotictlenigltbefore.Iwas
paleandweak.IsuddenlyknewlowBlaLugosifelt.SoIlayin
tlegarbageforalongtimejustgettingmycollectiveslitsorted
beforeIeventlougltaboutgoinglome.Iwaswrappedupin
slame like a narcissistic Clristmas present, praying to
wlomever was listening not to open me tle niglt before.
SlortlyaftertlatwaswlenImadetledecisiontomoveback
toDesMoines.Forayoung,fucked-uplittleaddict,tlereisno
betterwakeupcall.Wlenyoutrytodescribeaddiction,Iguess
tlereisnobetterwordtlangluttony.
NowIknowpopularusagedictatestlatgluttonyismainly
connectedtoeatingandconsumption.Butforme,gluttonylov-
erssomewlerebetweenoverindulgenceandOCDonalllevels.
Fromloarderstoseatsmellers,tlerangeontlegluttonous
topograplyisalotmorewidespreadtlanIladtlougltwlenI
startedworkingontlisclapter.Butwlenyoutlinkaboutit,I
guessitmakessense.Buffetsareforgluttons.Lotteriesarede-
signedforgluttons.Stampcollectorsareubiquitousgluttons.
Tlatsillylittlecreatureinyourbraintlatcravesmakingevery
wlim come true and every want become sated is gluttony.
Wletleritisfoodordrugsormaterialitemsorjustcomfort,
youcanndyourselfbeingagluttonevenifyoutlinkyouare
tlemosteven-keeledpersonontleplanet.Itlinkweareall
gluttonsontleinside,butontleoutsideyouwouldnotcatcl
anyofusbeingsoquote-unquotepetty.
Ifyouweretolookuptledenitionofgluttonyintledic-
tionary,youwouldbesurprisedbylowsimpletleansweris:
excessiveeatingordrinking.Butifyoufeltlikeoptinginstead
forglutton,aninterestinglittlesubtextcomestoliglt.Tledef-
initionforgluttonreads:1.onewloeatsordrinksinexcess,
2. a person witl a voracious capacity for sometling, and 3.
wolverine,inEurope.Soagluttonistryingtollavoidwitl
sometling,anytling.Metaploricallyspeaking,agluttonismost
likelytryingtokeepabeastatbaybyfeedingitwlateverwill
leaveitfeelingsatised.Buttlatistlerub:Agluttonisnever
reallysatised.Nowleatorwinewilllltlegargantuanpitof
emptinessintlegluttonousconnesoftlelumansoul.Itisin
allofus.Itisasuniversalasblinking.Itisnotasin,butitisse-
riousenougltlatyoumustlandleitwitlcaution.
Honestly,Ilaveneverbeenafanofcold,totalitariandeni-
tions anyway. I prefer tlesauruses: different cloices synony-
mouswitltlesourceword.Iamdenitelyalittlemoreprone
tondingtle360aboutanytling.Ifyoudonotcomeatsome-
tlingfromseveralangles,youwillneverseetleoverview,tle
3Ddelicacyofeverytling.Wlereasmanorlumankind,ifyou
wanttobePClassearcledfortletrutlforaeons,Iammore
interestedinndingtlepatlrst.Ifyoudonotknowwlere
youaregoing,lowtlefuckwillyouknowwlereyouarewlen
younallygettlere:
Sogluttonyformeisalotofdifferenttlings.Itiscompulsion
andcapitalism.Itissadismandmasoclism.Itisabusewitla
revolvingdoor.ItispeanutbutterandclocolateonaFridayand
abinge-drinkingwlirlwindtleSaturdayaftertlat.Ifyouare
voraciousandtenaciousenougl,youcanoverloadyoursystem
witlsomuclstimulitlatyouwillcraslandburnjusttofeel
tlesensation.Agluttonisapigandapigeon.Lookintlemir-
ror,friends,agluttonlooksalotlikeyouandme.Weareamil-
lionstrongandabillioncounting.Wearetlegenerationtlat
182 covvv :viov
cannevergetenougl.Wlynot:Wearealsotleonesdealing
witlguilttripstotlepast,present,andfuture.Noonetrusts
tle next slift, so tley take tleir coffee and mug lome after
work.Noonetrustsaneiglborwloisdoingbettertlantley
are.
Inallfairness,tleAmericanwetdreamcomeswitlacom-
mercialsaturatedingluttony,urgingusontowardtlelimitless
warelousesofexcess.Fromall-you-can-eatbuffetsto99-cent
stores,welavemadeapromisetoeveryburgeoningpackrat
andstrung-outsuckertlatanytlingwortllavingiswortllav-
ingadinnitumandwitlverylittlecost.Tleonlyproblemis
tlatyougetabillyoucannotaffordmucllater,witlaninterest
ratetlatwillkickyouwlileyouounder.Youcanwaitforfate
tomakeitspresencefelt,butbytlattimetlelungerlasmoved
on,seekingrefugeinsometlingelse.Cluttonylookslikeasun-
burnandfeelsliketlebends.Ifgreedismore,tlengluttonyis
extra.Tlatmaynotmakesense,butitistrueandpoetic:We
glutuntilourstomaclsandmindsaredistended.Tlefeastis
fortlebodyandsoul.Ifoureyesarebiggertlanourstomacls,
tlenlowfuckingbigdoestlatmakeourstomacls:
Ilavegottobelonest:Tlereisnootlersin,wletlerapart
oftlisdeadlylistorotlerwise,tlatismoreAmericantlanglut-
tony.Lookaroundyou.PeoplefromtleUnitedStatesaresome
oftlefattestintleuniverse.TleworldwonderswlyCalifornia
isfallingintotlesea.Itisbecauseitcannottaketleweiglt.
Americanslaveaseriousweigltproblem,moretlananyotler
countryonEartl,wliclisveryironicseeingasnootlerna-
tionalityworriesaboutitsappearancemoretlanAmericans.
Wearegluttonsforfood,butwearedevotedfollowersofin-
fomercialsandlandylomegymequipment.Yousee,tletling
Ilaverealizedistlatsinsmakepeoplestupid,notdeadly.Stupid
Americansarefat,lazy,indignantbastards,butgodforbidyou
calltlemfatandlazy.Americansarealso,byandlarge,tlemost
obsessedwitlamassingwealtlandpower.Wemakepromises
across oceans and airwaves tlat anytling is attainable if you
wantit.Itreallyexplainsalotabouttliscountry.
HereissometlingIjustrealized.Tlerearesomanyquirky
namesforgluttons,wlicljustslowsyoulowentrencledglut-
tonylasbecomeinourculture.Fromattentionlogtoballlog,
itisalmostanunconsciouswayofacceptingtlefacttlatweare
allgluttonous,wretcledfuckers.Wemakeligltoftlingstolelp
usforgetlowleavytleyactuallyare.Tletlingtlatputstle
stingintlisbelavioristleselslness:Youlavegottobevery
intoyourselftowanttostuffyourselffullofbullslitorsurround
yourselfwitlamultitudeoftlingsyoudonotneed.Onceagain,
itisaquestionofgettingyourselftobelievetleBigLie,wlicl
istlateverytlingyoudoisnobleandseless.Tliscouldnotbe
furtlerfromtletrutl.Wearealldirtylittlecofferswaitingto
berammedfullofourleartsdesires.Soifweareallgoingto
glutontlefruitsoflabor,wlystigmatizetlefeeling:Isaywe
allembracetlebeastandmoveon.Butnobodylistenstome
mylipsdonotmovewlenItlink.Icannotbetrusted.
Me:Mygluttonyisentertainment.TV,movies,comicbooks,
booksingeneralIdevourtleselikewatertoaparcledbody.
Butmytruepassionismusic.Ilavebeenwadingtlrouglmusic
mywlolelife,evenbeforeIrealizedIladaknackforitmyself.
IlaveladtleblessingofbeingexposedtomusicaslongasI
canremember.Anditcontinuestotlisday:Iamavoracious
fanaticwitlareservoirofknowledge,notonlyfortlemusicit-
selfbutfortlelistoriesbelindtlemanygenresIenjoy.Iwant
toknoweverytlingtlereisabouttlecomposersandtlerock
stars tlat lave created my personal soundtracks. Tle great
184 covvv :viov
tlingistlatIlearnnewtlingseveryday,fromtlelittlebitsof
earcandyintlemixestotleinspirationsbelindtlelyricsto
tlevibesbelindtlesceneswlencertainsongswererecorded.
I nd my way tlrougl tle dark witl a little lelp from my
friends,mostofwlomarepeopleIlavenevermet.Buttley
lelpedmegrowupandgavemeareasontoventallmytroubles
into melodies and prose. I am a glutton for junk food music:
CivemeacigaretteandamicroploneandIwillsingalongall
nigltlong.
Bytleby,Ilavediscoveredtlattlerearemanyplasesin-
volvedintledevelopmentofatruemusicconnoisseur.Tlerst
plaseisyourearlyrecollectionsofmusic,mostlikelypickedup
aroundtlelouseasatoddler.Icanrememberlearingevery-
tlingaroundmygrandmotlerslouse,fromtleStatlerBrotlers
to Black Sabbatl, tle latter courtesy of my Uncle Alan. My
motlerwasafanofMotownanddisco,soIladtle)ackson5
and tle Village People running around in my lead as well.
TlrowinalittlebitofBeaclBoysandBeatlesandyoucansee
tlatIgrewupwitlmajorclordprogressionsandbiglarmony
clorusesonaBigWleelridetomydestiny.Kidsnaturallygrasp
onto major keys because of low lappy tlose tones feel and
sound,clildrenwanttoplayandsmile,sotleywantstufflike
ClristmascarolsandHappyBirtlday.Tleitsy-bitsyspiderran
uptleinnerearandintoyoursubconscious:Donotgltit,tlat
slitkicksass.
Tlesecondplaseofmusicaltasteisfromsiblingsandsucl,
sometlingIcalltleBabysitterSyntax.Especiallyifyoulave
older brotlers andior sisters, you become aware of current
musicalmostsubliminally.BecauseIladnooldersiblings,my
secondplasecamefrommycousinsandmybabysitter,Anna.
IleardeverytlingfromtleSexPistolstoDefLeppard,andI
suddenlyrealizedIwasarockfantlrouglandtlrougl.Itwas
visceralanddangerousandIloveditsomucltlatIcouldnot
waittondmore.Betweentletwooftlem,Ilearnedabout
MtleyCreandRatt,tleDamnedandAdamAntand,ofall
tlings,)ourney.IwaseigltyearsoldwlenMTVrstlittle
airwaves, opening tle oodgates for a pop music meltdown:
Miclael)ackson,)oan)ett,PatBenatartlelistisridiculous
anditwasallIladforaverylongtime.Iperformedinfrontof
myrstaudiencewlenIwasten,singingalongto)ourneys
Separate Ways for my aunts and uncles in a Spartan living
roominIndianola,Iowa.WlattlelelldidIknow:Iwasten!
TletlirdplaseiswlatIconsidertlemostcrucial:discover-
ingyour music.Yousee,untiltlatpointweareallexposedto
otler peoples music, wlicl is all well and good, but it stops
speakingtoyouafterawlile.Youneedsometlingtlatfeelslike
yourown.Youlaveyourowngenerationtostandwitlandtlat
includesyourownsetofproblems.Italsomeansyouneedyour
ownmusic.Tlatiswlenmetalsweptintomylife.Master of
Puppets wasandstillistlegreatestalbumevercreated.Itwas
a turning point for me. I absorbed any and all metal music I
couldgetmyfuckinglandson:Slayer,Antlrax,Megadetl,Tes-
tament,evenskatetlrasllikeD.R.I.andSuicidalTendencies.I
nallyladastyletlatwasmy style.Mylisteningstartedtoex-
pandatanalarmingrate.
Ifyouareacasuallistener,youusuallydonotmakeitpast
plasetwo.Yousaunteralongwitltlerestoftlelerd,clinging
totlelatestmeslofpoppatlologyandreminiscingabouttimes
wlenpeoplewerenotsoangryorloudwlentleymademusic.
Ifyouareanytlinglikeme,youstumbleontotlenextfewstages
inyourdevelopment.Tlefourtlplaseisasortofmaturation
oftleyoungeraggressivestage.Istartedexpandingpastmetal
186 covvv :viov
afterawlile,goingbacktomypunkrootsanddiscoveringtlis
movementcomingoutofSeattleandMinneapolisandalandful
ofotlerplaces.FromtleCuretoNirvana,alternativemusic
calledcollegeradiowlenIwaslisteningtoitwasspeeding
itswayintotleinternationalpsycletodestroytlebloatedcar-
casstlatwasMainstreamRockandPopPrincessCrap.AliceIn
ClainsandSoulAsylumsteeredmetowardafuturetlatwas
moreDylantlanDio,andIrolledaroundinitlikeadogina
yardfullofdeliciousbones.Youcouldtaketledarknessand
slape it to your will. You could basically do wlatever you
wanted.Allbetswereoff.
Andtlatbrougltmetomynalplase:tlecreationandre-
alizationofmyownmusic.Iladbeenwritingandplayingmy
ownstufflongbeforetlat,butupuntiltlatpoint,Iladonly
beenmimickingwlatIladbeenlisteningto.Iwasaresponse
andcallwitlanacousticguitarandanattitude.ItwasallIknew.
ButwlenIleardWouldbyAliceInClains,Iknewtlerewas
somuclmoreIcoulddoandtlatIwantedtodo.Itwasanex-
pansionoftlelungerinmysoultlatneededtosingandbe.I
lad been looking my wlole life for sometling to unlock tle
innermuse.Iladnallyfoundit.AndIlaveneverlookedback.
Tlisgluttonlasscouredtleentiremusicallandscape,taking
twistsandturnswlerevertleroadgetscrazy,fromPFunkand
PublicEnemytotleRollingStonesandRoxyMusic.MikePat-
tonmademewanttoexploreanyandallvocalstyles.DavidLee
RotlandStevenTylermademewanttopartyandsmile.Henry
Rollinsmademewanttowriteandscream.BobDylanmademe
wanttobeagenius.)olnnyCaslmademewanttositonacor-
nerandsmokewlilesingingsadsongs.But)amesHeteldmade
mewanttobemyself.Iamagluttonousclildwitltlemusicof
timeinlisveins.Ialwayswantmore.Ialwayswanttomake
more.IlavenoboundariesandnolimitsIwillpusltlelines
andblurtleborders.Ilavenotleardtleultimatesongyet,but
tlenagainmaybetlatisbecauseIlavenotwrittenityet.Iam
enouglofafantoknowtlatyoucanneverputlimitsonyour
abilitiesjustasyoucanneverputlimitsonwlatyoulike.Ilave
alwayssaidyourleartknowsbettertlanyourleaddoeswlen
itcomestotlemusicyouaredrawnto.Ifyoucangetoutoftle
wayofyourownprejudices,youcanexperienceauniverseof
music.Istoppedloldingmyselfbackalongtimeago,andtle
payofflasbeenriclindeed.
Cluttonylasburstsofbrigltersides,buttledarkersidescan
bevicious.Anabusedwifewlorefusestorunfromlertortur-
ouslusbandbecomesagluttonforfearbecauselercapacityfor
denialmakesleratarget.Itistwistedconditioning,Iamnot
sayingitisriglt.Iamsayingitlappensalltoooften.Tleotler
realityisslegltsbackandeitlereesorkillstleman.Tlat
womancantlenbecomeagluttonforlifeandlappiness,spend-
ingtlerestoflerdaysfeelingsunligltinsteadofrainingsts
andbrutality.Tleepiloguebecomestlekarmatlatslouldbe-
falltleabusiveman.Tlerearenosinsbadenouglforlim.
Ilavealardtimewitltliswlolesintlingbecauseitistle
acttlatcarriestlestigma,nottleaftermatl.Imeanwlatgood
isabottomlesslungerifyoucannottrytollit:Asktlis:Are
youagluttonifyoulavenoideawlatyouarelungryfor:Can
yousufferifyoudonotknowwly:Weareforce-fedtlismoral
bullslit from tle moment we take our rst breatls. People
judgepeople,andwedontneedareason,justascapegoat.Hu-
manslavebeenmanufacturingtargetsoutofeaclotlersince
ourmoleculesformed.Itonlymakessensetlatwewouldbreak
itdowntolungeraswell.Wlatdowecare:Weliveourown
lellseveryday.Wefeelourownpain.Isittledistractiontlat
188 covvv :viov
gives a little respite: Are we truly so indignant tlat we sift
tlrouglpeoplesemotionaltraslcanstondsometling,any-
tling,tlatwillgiveustlesuperioredge:Nobodywantstofeel
aloneintleworld,tleyespeciallydonotwanttofeelalonein
tleirmisery.
Drug addicts and alcololics are gluttons for not only tle
clemicalstleytakebutfortleeffectstlatarefortlcoming.It
canglossoveradifferentlungerentirely.Repressionanddelu-
sionscanonlymakeapersonlongfortletlrillofcontentment.
Cettingliglordrunkismeanttobeacelebration,tleoldrit-
uals of becoming one witl god. Visions and ligltning are a
leavyeffect.Iftlesetlingsmakeyoufeellikegod,wlywould
younotwanttlatfeelingalltletime:Butstamina,adaptation,
and tolerance can build up fairly quickly. Suddenly you are
drinking more and taking more and looking for all tle riglt
reasons.Dependencycandestroytlegreatestofus,somany
talentslavecomeandgone.Butitisnottlegluttonytlatulti-
matelykillstlembuttledepression,andImeantlatintlelit-
eralandmetaploricalsense.Depressionisadarklonelyplace.
Adepressionisalsoalole.Tleparableisobvious.
Iladanalcololproblemforawlile.Iwasdrinkingtwoor
tlreebottlesof)ackDanielsaday.Ijustwantedtostaynumb
anddrunkandoblivioustowlatIwasdoingsoIcoulddosome-
tlingotlertlanwlatIwassupposedtodo.Ineverstoppedto
realizetlatmaybeIwasdoingittomasksometling,sometling
Ididnotwanttoface.Fortunately,itladneverreallyaffected
me adversely wlen I was doing tlings like Late Night with
Conan OBrien,butastimewenton,mydarknessslowlytook
control.FastforwardtoThe Tonight Show with Jay Leno:Iwas
lineduptoplayBotlerwitlastringquintetIladnevermet
beforeinfrontofanaudienceof35millionpeople.Yes,Iwas
nervous.Yes,Iwasunprepared.Yes,Iguzzledmywaytlrougl
abottleofwliskeyjustsoIcoulddoit.Somygluttonyforalco-
lol,misery,andclallengesallcoalescedintoafrotlingexperi-
encetlatIlaveverylittlerecollectionof.Iregretit,andIspend
verylittletimeonregrets.Buttlisonestickswitlme.Iwasin
frontofanationalaudience,reallybasicallybymyself,playing
guitarandsinging.Islouldlaverelisledtlismoment.Instead,
allIlavetoslowforitistlecardboardTonight Show nameplate
frommydressingroomwitlmynameonit.Idonotremember
meeting)ayLeno,wliclIallegedlydid.IlavenoclueifIwas
goodornot.IlaveseentlefootageandIstilllavenoidea.All
IrememberispurclasingtleSkidRowT-slirttlatIworefor
tle performance. Everytling after tlat is a blur. Tlat slould
lavebeenmyrstcluetlatmygluttonyladgottenoutofland.
Iwasmiserable,abrokenpokerplayerwloladtriedtobuy
liswayoutoftoomanybluffs.Iwasaballoflatewitlwliskey
inmysts.IdidtlingsIamnotproudofduringtlattimeof
mylife,andtlatslamereinforcesmyresolvetobetleverybest
personIcanbe.Ittooktlreeyearsofbeingsoberandanotler
twoyearsofbeingonmyowntondtlatlunger,tlatblack
spotintledeserttlattlesuncanneverseemtogettonomat-
terwlereitplacesitselfintlesky.Ilaveputmylungersin
tleirproperplaces,andnowImoveafewdaysatatimetlrougl
tleremnantsofalifetlatwasalmostwasted.SowlenIstepped
ontotlatTonight Show stagewitlSlipknotayearorsolater,I
wasnotpetried.Iwasnotnervous.Iwasinvigorated.Iwas
tlere,strongandcolerent,readytoslowtleworldjustlow
fuckinggoodIreallywas.IdidnotgiveaslitifIfuckedupor
notIwasnotgoingtobefuckedup.SoIwouldbemyselfand
destroy,andtlatIdid.Iknownowtlatmymiseryfueledmy
190 covvv :viov
gluttonytospeedoutofcontrol.SoIdonotblametledrinking.
Iblamemyself.
Buttlatwasnottlersttime.Ilaveladanaddictiveper-
sonalitysinceIwasyoung.Ilavenoticedtlattletermaddictive
personalityisaeuplemismforglutton,justlikecustodialguard-
ianisaeuplemismforparent.Iamenclantedandconsumed
bytlingsveryquickly.Iamlikeamadscientistrunningwitla
dangerouslypotlesis.MaybetlisisbecauseIgrewuplimited
bywlatwasinmybrainandlittleelse.Ialwaysladtlefeeling
Iwasnotliketleotlerkids.ButIalsoknewIcouldnotrelate
totlemveryeasily.SoIovercompensatedbymakingmyselftle
goofball, tle class clown. A front manislowman is notling
moretlantleclassclownonabiggerstage.SoIamaglutton
forattentionaswell.IwantalltleeyesonmeforaslongasI
canloldtleirxations.
Self-esteemisakeyfactortogluttony.Wlenyoufeelincom-
plete, you crave sometling to ll tle void. Psyclologists de-
scribeitascompulsiveeating.Tlatinitselfcanleadtotleotler
endofgluttony,anorexia,wliclisagluttonswayofxingtle
problemtlatgorgingoneselfcreates.Twooppositeendsofa
spectrumandtleresultistlesame:acycleisborn.Stimulus
andemotionalabandonwillconvergeandyetleaveyouempty.
SonowIobsessandacquire:Ibuylouses,guitars,collectibles,
toysandgiftsformyclildren,andanytlingelsetlatcoversup
tleremnantsoftlatkidwlowokeupinadumpster,feelinglike
somucltraslfortlecompactor.Iclainsmokeandbingedrink
andovertlinkandself-diagnosetillmyeyesboilandmyclest
lurts. I buy slitty T-slirts to matcl my slitty jeans and my
slittysloes,allsopeopledonotnoticemyslittyjacketsormy
slittylaircut.Iamareactioninaworldofpracticedmoves.I
wislIknewwlocreatedtlismonster.Tlenagain,IguessIdo
knowwlocreatedit.Ijustwisltleanswerwerenotme.
So,essentially,mymindsearclesfordistraction.Tlereitis:
Iamagluttonforinspiration.ItrytoweeditoutwlereverI
can,andIlavebecomeadeptatit.Mybrainraceslikeafreiglt
trainonrocketfuelandIforgetmoregoodideastlanIwrite
down.Ibecomexatedandone-mindeduntilallIcanseeistle
naloutcome.TlenallIcandoiswaitfortlefruitstobere-
vealed.IwillgetsongsstuckinmyleadtlatIlavenoteven
written or recorded yet. I do not mean melodies or lyricsI
meanfull-blowncompositions.Icantlinkofnotlingelse.Ican
focusonnotlingelse.Itistlesourceofmygreatestsongs.Itis
also wly it basically took me two weeks to write tlis book.
Wlentlespirittakesme,Ilavenocontrol,andtlespiritisall
aroundme.Tledisparagingeclorattlesaroundinmytenement
andgivesmeadecentdoseofblacklung,alltlewlileteacling
metlereisaseajustwaitingtobeestablisledintlevalleysof
myleart.
Wlenyoubreakitdowntoitsbarestminimum,gluttonyis
natureswayofsuper-sizingtlelumanrace.Peoplearegetting
largerandlargereverysecond.Ilavebeenallovertleworld
severaltimes,andbelieveyoume,itisnotaspecicallyAmer-
icanproblem,altlouglpoundforpoundwelavetlebiggest
reputation.Tleglobaldietisfuckingdisgusting.Weeatfoods
madefromgarbage.Weeatanimalstlatweprocessandinject
witlenougllormonestomaketlemnotsodissimilarfromlu-
mans.Wesoakslitinfattlenfryitandbreaditandtlenfryit
again.Iamnotsayingitisnotdelicious,Icanknocktlefuck
outofsomeclickenfriedsteak,especiallysmotleredinsausage
gravyandsomelaslbrownsontleside.Buttlatisasurere
waytogastrointestinalmaylem.Peoplearegettingsofattley
192 covvv :viov
arelavingbandsputaroundtleirstomacltractstokeeptlem
fromeatingtoomucl.Tleyusedtojustcutoutlengtlsofin-
testines, wlicl is extreme enougl, but now tley put a belt
aroundyourorgans,provingonceagaintlatlumanbeingswill
doanytlingpossibletokeepfromlavingtoexertsomefucking
self-controlintleirlives.
DonotgetmewrongIlovetoeat.ItisoneoftloseplugsI
usetollmydespair.Icangorgewitltlebestoftlem.Ionce
madeamanwlooutweigledmeby150poundstapoutata
buffet.ButIknowmylimits,wliclisaperfectsegueformy
nextexampleofwlygluttonyisaboutasdeadlyasabarbecue
fart in clurcl: professional eating contests. I know you lave
leardoftlisslit,tleybroadcasttleeventsonESPN2.Tlere
isevenanocialorganizationcalledtleInternationalConfed-
erationofCompetitiveEating.Itisbasicallysanctionedgluttony
forgloryandprot.Meneatingseventylotdogsintwomin-
utes,womeneatingseveralbowlsofspaglettibeforetlenal
buzzer . . .Imeanpeoplecalltlisslitasport.Overeatingisas
muclasportasmopedsaremotorcycles.)ustbecauseyouget
atroplyandacaslprizedoesnotmeanyoudeservetobeon
tlecoverofSports Illustrated.Youdeservetolaveyourfucking
leadexamined,tobelonest.Itisunlealtly,itisunwise,andit
isalsotlebiggestfuckyoutotlepartsoftleplanetlivingoff
ourandvitaminsupplements.Clildrenarestarvingtodeatl
allovertleworld.Meanwlile,)olnFuckwrinklegetsaliglliglt
on SportsCenter for eating one lundred lard-boiled eggs,
breakingtlerecordsetlastyearbylisarclrivalHankButter-
tits.Ontlislistofsins,tlatmaybetleclosestitcomestoac-
tually earning its Deadly Badge. It is also one of tle saddest
tlingsIlaveeverleard.Eatingcontestsarejustoffensive,in-
sulting,and,attleendofitall,aterribleexcusetondnew
waysofstayingintleadultendoftlecompetitivegenepool.
Hey,Americanscannotreallycompeteonanyotlerlevel,butI
willtellyouwlat:Wewillkickyourassatgettingfatterinsec-
onds,lul:Youaregoddamnriglt!
Tlenefariousglutsoftleworldpreyontleweakandtle
desperatewlenyoutlrowgreedintlepictureaswell.Tlereal
key to making tlese sins deadly is combining tlem togetler.
Alonetleyarefairlyblas.Butinatagteamtleycanbecome
asbrutalastleHartFoundation.Soagreedyglutwillslipyou
sweetsoundingwordsandslallowatterywlileguttingyour
futurewantsforlispresentneeds.LikeIlavesaid,moderation
keepstlesewlimsfrombeingnotlingmoretlanlumanfolly.
Butgivinginandlettingtlemtakecontrolistlerealsin.Tlere
ismoretolifetlanbeingsated.Buttryexplainingtlattoaglut-
tonwitltoomucltimeandnotenouglballs.
Weareallpseudo-vampiresdyingoftlirstandsearclingfor
tlenextgreatfoodcoma.Wewilltakeanytlingtololdofftle
wolverinesinsideoursouls.Tlegreatestbattleofourlivestakes
placeeverydayontlewastedspacesofoursubconsciousandtle
innermostworkingsofourtragiclifestyles.Wespendandfuck
andeatandfucksomemoreandlieandcleatandtakeandlurt
anddoeverytlingtomakeeveryoneelsejustidenticaltous.
Tlelumanconditionisalotlikeatruecrimenovel.Amaneats
somucltleylavetoknocklolesinabuildingtogetlimtoa
lospital.Myrstresponseisletlimfuckingrot:Iflecouldnot
bebotleredtotakecareoflimself,wlyslouldanyoneelsesave
lim:IgetveryangrywlenIlearaboutidiociesandignorance.
ButtlenIlavetogivemyselfatimeoutandremindmyselftlat
weareallimperfect.Tleidiomsoftleworldleraldatimewlen
we as a species realize our true potential and recognize tlat
tlereisonlyonetruegod:tlelumansoul.Itbindsustogetler
194 covvv :viov
andgivesuslugereservesofuntappedpower,uniquestrengtl,
andinnitewisdom.Ilavealltleoptimismtlattlissentiment
istrue,butnottlattleideaasawidespreadnotionwillcome
topassanytimesoon.Ifwearetleonetruegod,tlengodlas
alotoffuckingexplainingtodo.
Iwatcltlepassingoftimeandexpectationwitltleeyesof
someonewlomissedlastweeksepisodebutknowstleseries
will not end well. We take ourselves too damn seriously. We
tlink tlat everytling we do is a miracle. It is only a miracle
wlennoonegetslurt.Wearecommongardenswitlrosesand
weedsalike.Weareexceptionalwitlexceptions.Howdarewe
declaretlateverytlingtlateveryonedoesisplenomenal:All
welavedoneisdilutetlejuiceandturnitintoKool-Aid.Soit
isnowondertlattlevolumegetsturnedupontlingstlatare
beneatlus,suclasgluttony.
Streetgangsandcriminalsaregluttonsforviolence.Politi-
ciansaregluttonsforpower.Sclolarsaregluttonsforknowl-
edge. Clildren are gluttons for safety. Cluts are gluttons for
gluttony.
Wlatseemsworse:lavingeverytlingyouwantorwanting
everytlingyoulave:
Tlereisafamousquotetlatstatessatisfactionistledeatl
ofdesire.Youwouldbesurprisedlowmanypeoplegetcredited
witltlatone,everyonefromBobDylantoStevenSpielberg.
Hell,someassloleevensaidPeteWentzcameupwitlit.My
buddiesinHatebreedlaveakilleralbumbytlatname.ButI
believeitisoneoftleDalaiLamasquotes.Ilappentoagree
witlit.Tlelumanspiritneedsalealtlylungertocontinue
on its way toward aclievement and discovery. Cluttony can
stoke tle res tlat keep us dancing on our tiptoes, but it is
lardlydeadly.Infact,noonecanreallybesatised.Youcanstop
tryingafteryoulavesucceeded,butyouarenotsatised.After
everyconquest,oureyesinstinctivelyscantlelorizonfortle
nextadventure,tlenextclallenge,andtlenextreasontokeep
ourleartspumpingred-lotexcitementintoour70i30mixture.
ItisoneoftlegreatgiftsIacceptedlongago.AslongasIam
stilllooking,Iwillalwaysndmyself.Sometimestlatgetsme
introuble.
Yousee,Iamalsoagluttonfortletrutl.Ilatefakes,slams,
andliarsIalwayslave.Icannotstanditwlentroglodytesas-
cendtoleigltsIknowdamnwelltleydonotlavetletalentto
laveearned.SoIrunmymoutl,usuallywitlnocensor.Ido
notcarewlolearsitorwlotakesexception.Idonotgivea
fucklowitaffectsmycareersometimes.Itrytodomyvery
besttocallittlewayIseeit.Maybetlatisprideormyvanity
talking,butIlaveseentrulygiftedpeoplesteppedonbyrutl-
lesslacksintlepursuitofemptycredit,notactualaccomplisl-
ment. Wlen I raise my voice to protest, I am regarded as a
jealousasslole.
SometimesIfeellikealeperinalealtlclubbecauseinevery
category,Icategoricallydonott.Tlatcanbeascaryconcept
lateatnigltwlenallyougetaresilentscreamsofdoubtand
deance.Buttlegluttoninsideisjustpullingformeandmine.
Sometlinglastodriveustodoourbestandworst.Sometling
lastoliftourlidsintlemorningandkeepusfromslittingtle
bed.Tlatsometlingistlelunger.Sobeforewegotlrowing
gluttonyundertledeadlybus,takealookatoursweetteetl
andourlobbiesandourcareersandourneedsandrealizetlat
welavetoreadbetweentlelinesalittlebitandcometoterms
witltlefacttlatwitloutsinslikegluttony,ourleartsdesires
would be swamp grass and tasteless oxygen. Our aspirations
wouldsinklikeanoldCarolinabrick.Butwitljusttleriglt
196 covvv :viov
amountofgluttonyinourlives,wekeepourlandsbusy,our
stomaclsworking,andoureyesontleprize.Noonecantell
metlatitisasintowantsometlinginexcess,oratleastnoone
can convince me it is a sin anyway. I know tlere are conse-
quencestoouractions,butwlentlerewardisriclandtlere-
solveisrigidandstrong,tlisintergalacticlerdofadvancedapes
couldjustberipeforenligltenment.Ilaveseengreattlingsin
ourfuture,butalltlatcanclangewlenwestopyearningfor
sometlinggreat,forourselvesorotlerwise.
Look,Idonotwantanyonetobelurtorsuffer.Idonotwant
anyonetofeeltrappedinlisorlerownlife.Iwantpeopleto
feel wlatwewereallmeanttofeel.ButIwantyoualltoletgo
oftlatguiltyouletswingaroundfromyourbacks.Youarecar-
ryingexponentialpain,tlecorpsesofpastmistakes.Youmean
totellmewearegivenagiftofsensationandprescienceonlyto
betreatedlikebastardsandirritantswlenwetrytondtle
boundariesforourselves:Andwlosaidtlatguywloinvented
tleHoverClaircouldbenamedTomKruse:Tlereisonlyone
TomCruisebygumandleisasmiling,gnarly,riclalienpsyclo
andIlovelismovies.Idonotgiveaslitlekicksass.Igot
lostagain,lul:Fuckme,Ilavetocallsomeoneabouttlat. . . .
Ilivedinacloset,wokeupinadumpsterandnearlydiedsev-
eraltimes.NowIworkeverydaydoingwlatIwasborntodo.
Iamagluttonformywork,mypassion,andmycreations.Iam
wlereIambecauseitisneverenougltolavedoneanytling
itonlymatterswlatIamdoing.Ilovebeingafatlerandastar
allatonce,andIdoeaclwitltlesamezealIlaveladforyears
andyears.Iwouldlavenotlingwitloutmycapacityforlunger.
ItlasbrougltmesomanyblessingstlatIstoppedcounting
tlemlongago.Nowknowingtlat,knowingme,andknowing
common sense, do me a favor and take a deep breatl, slow
down,andanswertlisquestion:Ifalltlatistrueandamazing,
wlotlelellcancallgluttonyasin:Iflungeristlerootofall
desire,lowcantlatnotfuelourdexterity:
Irefusetolidebelindlogictlatdictatestlatnormalbelav-
iorlastobevanillaandbland.Iresisttledoctrinetlatdignies
tlenotionofcivilizeddecorumandtlatwecannotembrace
ourinnercravings.Tliskindoftlinkingkeepsustiedtosuper-
stitionsandcleapensourattemptstoascendtoabetterlevelof
consciousness.Callmecrazy,butisitacoincidencetlatalmost
alloftlesesinsaretleverysensationstlatmakeusfeelalive:
Isitme,ordoesitfeellikeglostsfromtlepastarestilllolding
ourpuppetstrings:Iamsickandfuckingtiredoftleseso-called
textsoffaitltlatsellussalvationtlrougltlemurderofour
senses.Tleylavenofaitlintlelumansenseofmoderation.
Tley lave no faitl in people. Tley are lypocrites. Tley are
scaredtodeatloftleirownweakwillsandsubscribetobeliev-
ingtlatwearealltlesame.Weareallsinners.Iftleywantto
fallfromgraceandselltlemselvesslort,sobeit.Buttleycan
leaveusalone,forfuckssake.Nooneisgoingtoslilltomea
newsetofstandards.Iamadeantvoiceofsanityintlelast
wardoneartl.Donotlettlemconvinceyoutlatyouarecrazy.
Tley are tle ones twisting tle spin. So tley are tle obvious
cloicestopassouttlesins.
Ourquietnoonintlesunmayseemlikeadistantfantasy.
Ourquestfortrueonenessmaymerelybeanamblingstopway
offintledistance.Butlopecanputyearsbackontleendof
yourlife.Tlepoweroftlemindisalmostotlerworldlysome-
times.Tlerearemysterieswitlinenigmasintlefuture.Maybe
wewillneverlaveagoodanswerforanytling.
Me: Make no mistakesI will be around. I will drink my
double-tlickslakesintriple-digitleatuntiltleynallytakemy
198 covvv :viov
wordsawayaswell.Ilavenofearanymore.WlyslouldI:Itis
justlife,man.Lifeisonlyasfrivolousaswemakeit.Youbuild
toomanywallsarounditandyouwillndyourselflockedout
ofyourownlife.Ifyoufeelliketlereissometlingbetter,tell
tlepersonnexttoyou.Tlentelltlemtotelltlepersonnextto
tlem,andsoonandsofortl.Wloknows:Maybewordwillget
backtomeintleend.
TlenIwillrestmycase.
10
For Your
Cons i der at i on ...
The New
Magni f i cent Seven
IrememberwlentleyclangedtleCoke.
IwastwelveyearsoldlivinginElkRunHeiglts,Iowa.Itwas
apinkyprintofatownontleoutskirtsofWaterloo.Tlismiglt
betlersttimeanyonelaseverwrittenaboutit.Butalas,its
mentionstopslere.Iwaslivingwitlmymomandlerbandof
alcololicsinastoutduplexacrosstlestreetfromaconvenience
storecalledPronto,wlereIusuallystolemybreakfastandluncl
everymorning.Itwastlere,in1985,wlereIwasintroducedto
tleNewCoke.IpaiditlittleattentionsincewewereaPepsi
louselold,butovertlenextfewdaysIcametorealizetleim-
portanceofwlatIwaswitnessing.Peoplewerefuckingpissed.
201
chapter
TlenewCEOofCoca-Colakeptappearingonslowslike 60
Minutes andCurrent Affair,lairslickedbackandclugginggal-
lons of tle stuff. Tle New Coke lad a new look, toomore
moderntlantleclassicdesignandaprecursortotlelabelswe
seetoday,ironicallyenougl,onPepsiproducts.Tleproblem
wastlatittastedlikeslit.TleOldCokeladasugary-sweet
sligltbitternesstoit,tleNewCokewasacomboofbatteryacid
andColdenCriddlepancakesyrup.Tleworldwasontlebrink
ofdestruction.Peopleweregltingintlestreetsandappearing
onDonahue todecrytletreatmentofabelovednationaltrea-
sure,allofwliclmademesmirkbecauseattleendoftleday,
wloreallygaveaone-wipeslitiftleyclangedtleavor:Even
tleCEOofPepsicameouttolaudtlefacttlattleywouldnever
clangetleirownproduct,anotlerbitofOHenrysincePepsi
ladbeenclangingandperfectingtleirformulasfordecades.
Tlen, one day, a wlolly different Coke slowed up, sitting
alongside tle ever-dwindling crates of New Coke taking up
spaceontlesupermarketslelves.ItwascalledCoca-ColaClas-
sicanditbeganyingouttledoorwitlever-growingurgency.
Peoplesigledasoda-soakedsiglofrelief,knowingtleylad
tleiroldreliableback,evenifitladbeenrenamedandgivento
compensatefortlemesstlatNewCokeladstirredup.Alot
ofpeoplelaveputfortltleinterestingtleorytlatCoca-Cola
usedtlewlolescenariotolelpkick-startslumpingsalesofOld
Coke,tlatbytakingitawayandprovidinganinferioralternative
itjoggedpeoplesmemoriesandtastebudsandlefttlemwant-
ingtleirbeveragesback.Itisactuallyquiteingenious,iftlatis
wlattleplanladbeenintlerstplace.IamnotsureIcould
nd anyone today tlat could tell me wlat New Coke really
tastedlikeanymore.Ilavemyownrecollection,butitiseeting
atbest.IonlydrankClerryCokemyself.
202 covvv :viov
Tlisbusinessplanlasnotalwaysbeenafailure,lowever.Tle
artofreplacingtleoldwitltlenewlasbeenpracticedsince
tlebirtlofindustry.TlebattlesbetweenSclickandCillette,
LevisandLeejeans,FordandClevroletarepiecesofAmeri-
cana.Tlemarketplaceisonlyaslealtlyastlecommerceitpro-
vides,andtlestrengtlandqualityoftleproductsensurean
evenplayingeldfairgameforagltfordominance.Teclnol-
ogylasadvancedtlespeedofexceptionaldesign.Tlebigger-
better-nowisascommonplaceastlefour-slicetoasterandas
complicatedasanLEDat-screentelevisionastlinasamaga-
zine.Weasconsumerslavebeenconditionedtoinsistontle
latestandgreatest.Reciprocationisrewardedwitlsteadyand
loyalbusiness.Capitalignoranceisgivenapinkslipandtlecold
sloulder.Ifyoudonotbelieve,askyourselfwlenwastlelast
timeyoutriedtobuyaneiglt-tracktape.
Youmigltbeaskingyourself,Wlereintlelellislegoing
witlalloftlis:Well,itjustsolappenstlereisquiteabitof
metlod among all tlis madness. If Websters Dictionary and
MontyPytlonlavetaugltusanytling,itistlatanargument
isacollectedseriesofstatementsintendedtoestablislapropo-
sition.Iammakinganargumenttlattlesesevensuspectdeadly
sinsarenotatallwlattleirpromopacklaspromised.Tley
areneitlerdeadlynoraretleysins,ratler,tleyareclaracter
awstlatlavebeenworkedintoeverymajorctionalleroor
villainsincetledawnofliterarytime.Buttleyarenotsins,as
Ilavesaidrepeatedlyandlopefullylavesuccessfullyproven.
Sinsarejustoneoftlemanytlingstlatmakeusluman.Itruly
disapproveoftleideatlatweareallverydifferent.Itlinkwe
lavemoreincommontlanwerealize.
Somypropositionisverysimple:Weneedanew setofseven
deadlysins.Weneedtoupdateourlistofwlatbendsustoscare
tlelelloutoftlerestoftleplanet.Tlisnewlistslouldnot
onlybeareectionoftleadverbdeadly,butitslouldalsobe
areectionoftletimeswendourselvesinnow.Timesclange
andsoslouldournotionofwlatsinsareactuallydeadly.Tley
slould,bytleirownnature,beunique.Inotlerwords,tley
needtostandontleirowntermsandnotbleedintoonean-
otler.
Tlisproblemslouldbeevidentintleoriginallist.Tlereare
sins lere tlat overlap and negate tlemselves. For instance, I
tlinkenvycanleadtosinsbutisnotasininandofitself.Envy
canleadtotleftandmurder.Butjustbeinganenviousprickis
notenougltoburnintleSoutlernHotBox.Wantingisanat-
uraldriveforusskin-coveredgeeks.Tlemajordualityyoulave
tolookatistlecloseproximitybetweenenvyandgreed.LikeI
lavesaidbefore,youcannotlaveenvywitloutgreed.Butcan
youlavegreedwitloutenvy:See,Ibelievetleycanceleacl
otlerout.Tlenyoulavegluttonysamedamntling.Youlave
tlreesinsontlelisttlatareveryneartobeingindistinguisl-
able.Infact,greedlastendrilstlatstretclinalldirectionslike
ancientivyclimbingtlefamilylomestead.Itisinvanityandalso
inlust:Tlevainaregreedyfortleattentionofotlersandtle
lustfularegreedyfortlesexofprettymucleveryone.Andany
one oftlesecanmakeusangrywlenwelavenosensetlatwe
lavebeensated.
Wearelookingattlislistintleentirelywrongway.Weare
dealingwitletlerealfeelingsandnotplysicality.Weareputting
fortltlenotiontlatfeelingsaresins,andtlatissimplywrong.
IsayifyoufeeltleneedtolavealistentitledtleSevenDeadly
Sins,tlenyouslouldmakeitdirectanddeadly.Andwlatkind
ofalostwouldIbeifIdidnotlavetleanswerstomyownly-
potletical questions: Do not answer tlatI am serving my
worldfamousNacloDiplater.Anyway,Ilaveassembledanew
204 covvv :viov
list,amorbidbuncltlatarenotonlysinsbutarealsocrimes.
Someoftlemmayoverlapaswell,buttlatneverstoppedtle
originalautlorsfrommakingtlerstlistsoincestuous.Prepare
yourselves,dearreaders.IgiveyoutleNewSevenDeadlySins:
1. Murder:besidesclildabuse,tlemostevilactyou
couldevercommit
2. Clildabuse:tlecruslingoftlelastbitoftrueinno-
cenceoneartl
3. Rape:tlevileprocesswitlwliclpowerpervertstle
powerful
4. Torture:anotlerwordforusingmiglttoanunfairad-
vantage
5. Tleft:tlebitterbyproductofuncleckedandover-
wrougltenvy
6. Lying:makingtrutladirtywordanddestroyeroftrust
7. Badmusic:avesseltlatelevatesmediocrityforaccep-
tanceandpraise
Iknowwlatyouaretlinking.Youaresayingtoyourself,You
lad me until you lit bad music, wlat tle fuck, dude: Trust
meallquestionswillbeansweredattleend,butonlytlose
submittedinwritingandstillonlytlosewritteninblueorblack
ink,tlankyou.
Yep,tlesearemysubmissionsfortlenewDeadlySins,andI
tlinktleyareinnitelymoreappropriatetlantlepriorlist.
Wlenyoureallylookattlem,tleNewSevenlasitall:deadly
consequences,sinfulintentions,andterriblerealities.Tlisslit
istoorealnottobetakenseriously.MurderinAmericaalone
lasclimbedsteadilysincetle1960s.Clildabuseisstaggeringly
prevalenttoday.Rapelasrevealedanevendarkersladeoflell.
Torturelasbecomesynonymouswitlmycountrytisoftlee.
Tleftlasbeenwitlusforlundredsofyears,buttodayitisless
aboutsurvivalandmoreaboutprot.Lyingwasapaupersfolly
untiltlericlrealizedtleycouldkeepbettersecretsfromusby
being deceptive. Bad music is just fucking wrong. Tlese are
moderntimes,witlmodernmaladies.Weneedmodernsins
witlmodernmetlodstoglttlem.Amendmentsaremadeto
tleConstitutionassocietyevolves.Wlycantwemaketlead-
justmentsinourSecondHalfsowecanbeattlenumberone
defensebygettingitriglt:Yeal,tlatisafootballreference.Deal
witlit.Movingon. . . .
AsIsitlere,gettingcigaretteaslallovermycomputer,Ire-
alizetleoriginallistwasassembledbecauseofitsdelicaciesand
overtones.Buttlisisnotatimefornuanceorinsinuation.Tlis
isatimetobedirect.Peoplearefedupwitlinnuendoandeu-
plemisms. Tley want straiglt answers to earnest questions,
andtlenewlistslouldbeareectionoftlis.Itslouldputit
outtlereinboldfacewleretlelinestartsandends.Tleguide-
linesslouldnotbeinferred,leadusnotintoassumption.)ust
slow us tle way and we can get tlere on our own damn
strengtl.Sowleretleancientsleftoff,Ilavedecidedtopro-
ceedwitlabitofnostalgiaandarmbeliefinwlatslouldbe.
Dayliglt is burning fast witlin tle connes of our legacy. I
wouldlatetoleavetlepartytoosoonandmissoutontlefa-
vors,soletsdiginandsorttlisoutbeforeIgetarrestedfor
jumpingtlrougltleglasstable,oratleastbeforeIstreaktle
neiglborsinmyRedSkullmask.
Murderistlerstontleblock.Itistlequintessentialsin,
really:totakealife,wletlerlumanorotlerwise,outofmalice
orforprotorfornoreasonatall.Ittakesalottobemoreof-
fensiveorrepulsivetlanmurder.Howtliswasnotanoriginal
ontlerstsevenIwillneverknow.Tomeitisano-brainer:If
youtakealife,youforfeityourown.TlatmaybeaveryRiglt
206 covvv :viov
wingwaytoviewit,buttomesomeslitisjustfuckingneces-
sary.AmItleonlyonewlocandrawtleconclusiontlatmur-
der in tle world las accelerated since tle rapid decrease in
executions:Itlinkitisbecausetlerearenorepercussionsany-
more.Ifyoukillsomeoneandyougetconvicted,tlereisagood
clanceyouwillendupwitlabetterlifetlanyouladbefore.
Youwillgetfed,youwillgetabed,andyouwilllaveaccessto
aneducation,anexerciseprogram,andafairlytrainedplysi-
cian.Noonelivesinfearofbreakingtlelaw.Welavetaken
awaytlelastconsequencefortakingawayalife.Tleultimate
sinslouldlavetleultimatepenalty.Idonotmeanfortlose
wlose guilt is on tle fence, tlis form of punislment las no
roomforambiguity.Imeanifyouareguiltyofmurderbeyond
asladowofadoubt,youdeservetodie,period.Youdeserveto
betakenoutbelindtlesledanddestroyed.
Murderisaviolationofyourlumanmemberslip.Trustme:
Idistinguislbetweenmurderandcircumstanceslikedeatlon
tlebattleeldorself-defenseagainstabuseorotlercriminalac-
tivity.Iamtalkingaboutpremeditated,cold-bloodedmurder.
Tlerearepeopleintlisworldwlowanttowatclitallturnto
aslandgrayandtlereisnolelpingtlemnoformofrelabil-
itationwillbringtlembackfromtlecoolblackofevil.Tlat
kindofnumbnessisadeatlinsidetlelumansoul,anexitof
tlecompassiontlatlelpsusalldoincredibletlingsforeacl
otler.Tlerearegloulsandtlerearesaviorsamongusall.Keep-
ingtlegloulsaroundisawasteoftime.Ifwelopetoaclieve
greatness,wemustprovetlereispunislmentontlisplaneof
existence. Stop leaving tle judgments to a supposed divine
spirit,tleignorantdonotcaretlatgodisgoingtosendtlem
tolell.Sendtlemarealmessage:tlatwewillnottoleratetres-
passesagainstourbrotlers,sisters,clildren,pets.Vengeance
andjusticeareluxurieswecanafford.
ClildabuseissometlingIamevenmorebombasticabout.
Beingaproductofclildabuseandneglect,Iamverysensitive
totlissubject.IamalmostaseryaboutitasIamaboutmur-
der.Anyonewlomistreatsaclildmustbemadetosufferas
stronglyasanyonewlokillsismadetosuffer.Aclildisreally
justablankpieceofpaperattleendoftleday.Wlenyousys-
tematicallybreakdownanddecimatetleirsoulsandtleirin-
nocence, you kill our clances to last forever. Tle way some
clildrenaretreatedintlisdayandageisrepugnant.Weare
raisingagenerationtlatwilltlriveonmalevolenceandpain.
Youexpectustomakeittoanotlermillenniumwlentlekids
wearebringingintotleworldcannotevendifferentiatelove
fromcruelty:Ilavewatcledtleescalationofclildabusewitl
apanictlatissqueezingmyleartintopulpwitleveryoffense.
Wlotlefuckdotlesepeopletlinktleyare:Tleytreatclildren
likeusedtissueanddiscardtlemwitlasmuclambivalence.I
amlorriedattleconcepttlatwitlenouglpain,tlesekidswill
growuptocarryontlefamilytradition.Tleonlytlingtlat
givesmepausetoreactisrememberingonesoulwlocameout
ofitwitladeepercompassionfortlelumanrace:me.
TlereisnofateIcanconjuretlatwouldbepainfulenougl
forclildabusers,especiallypedopliles.NAMBLAcantryto
swayanignorantpopulacealltleywant,buttleyarestillvile
fuckingscum.Ilavealwaysbelievedtlatasocietyisonlyas
strongastlewaystleyprotecttleirclildren.Ilavetobelon-
est:Ilavenoidealowstrongournationortleworldatlarge
trulyis.Iseenewscoverageofatrocitiesagainstouryoungall
tle time. I feel tle pain of tle world in my clest and I am
stoppeddeadwitlanxiety.Canwenotallagreetlatwemust
protectouryoung:Idonotmeanbyslelteringtlemfrombeing
kids.Imeanbysettingprecedenceandpunislingtlosewlo
perpetrate tlese acts witl cold indifference to tleir cries for
208 covvv :viov
mercy.Tleyarelowertlantledarkestseasandmoreeviltlan
tleliglestformofcorruption.Tome,tlereis noliglerform
ofcorruption.Clildabuseisasteelyknifeintleleartofour
greatesttreasures.Weneedtoenditnow.
Rapeisnaturallynextbecauseitisconsistentwitlmurderin
tlatitdestroystlosearoundyouanditisasymptomofclild
abuseaswell.Rapecanlappentoanyoneatanytime.Rabid
dogsinevilleatimposingtleirbentwillsondefenselessvic-
tims,rapesymbolizesavestigeleftintleglobalpsyclewlere
men are still superior to women, wlere tle power still lies
witlintleirgrimlands.Iamnotsayingitisaby-productof
maclismo,ratler,Iamsayingitisamentaldeciencywlereno
meansyesanduncleckedlatredmakesapersondecidetotake
awayyourcloices.Rapeisdisturbing,andevenaftertleplys-
icalremindersarelonggone,tlepsyclologicalscarslingerfor
years.Tlerapycanlelplealandrectifysomeoftledamage,
buttlenigltmaresnevertrulygoaway.Iknowtlatforafact.
Wlensomeonetakesawayyourabilitytoclooseandtoglt
back, you are left bleeding and weak, slell-slocked and be-
trayed.Wlensomeonemakesyoufeeltrulypowerless,itcan
slatteryourleartintoamillionpieces.Youwillneverlookat
anotlerpersontlesamewayagain.Trustmaynevercomeback,
andsanitytakesitstimecomingbackaswell.Youareaprisoner
inyourownbodyafraidtofeel,afraidtolove,andafraidto
relaxatall.
Rapistsusuallygettleirjustdessertsinprison,but,ironically,
notbytlejusticesystemortleprisonitself.Tleirpunislment
isservedbytleotlerprisoners.Itisprobablytlelastformof
retributionleft.Tlesamecanbesaidforpedoplilesandclild
murderers:Tleyreceiveacruelformofpunislmenttlatmakes
evensomeoneascynicalasmequeasy.Iftlatiswlatittakes,
tlensobeit.Peopleneedtofeartlejusticetlatawaitstlem.
Tleyneedtoknowtlattlerearefuckingconsequencesfortleir
actions.Tleyneedtobeleldaccountablefortleircrimes.I
lavenopityforarapistsfate.Ilavenopityforcriminalswlo
takeinnocenceandgrinditundertleirbootleels.Ilaveno
pityforpeoplewlocannotfeelpitytlemselves.Iwouldgladly
fantlesmokefromtleirclarredcarcasseswitlasensetlat
penanceladbeenserved.Tlatwastleonetlingourancestors
gotriglt:aneyeforaneye,atootlforatootl,andalifefora
fuckinglife.Ifyouexpectpeopletoobeyrulesandlaws,you
lavetosendaclearmessagetlattlereareexceptionalpunisl-
mentsfortlosewlocloosenotto.Itiscalledprevention.Itis
timeweuppedtleanteagain.
Torture,ournextnewbieonmylist,lasbecomequitetle
buzzword tlese days. Wlo would lave tlouglt it would be-
come so tied to America, a country tlat uses freedom as its
greatestattraction:Tortureisanecloicefortlislistbecause
itcanbeassubtleaspsyclologicalwarfareandasdemonstrative
aswaterboardingoratasteofabullwlip.Tortureisusedtoex-
tractinformation,tojustifytlemeansandtoaccomplislvic-
tory.Iamnotsayingtlerearenotpeopleouttlerewlodeserve
tobetortured.ItlinkIestablisledsomewonderfulcandidates
inmypriorparagrapls.Iamsayingtlatnoteveryonedeserves
tobetortured.Butinnocentpeoplearetorturedeveryday,witl
littleevidenceandnotlouglttotlelastingimpressions.From
police brutality to certain military investigators, torture las
beenadeadlymetlodasfarbackastleSpanislInquisitionand
beyond.TlewitclesofSalem,Massaclusetts,weretortured
into admitting to supposed alliances witl Satan and sorcery.
Americanslavesweretorturedwlentleydidnotobeyorwlen
tleywerelidinginformationonotlerslaveswloladescaped
totleNortl.Cermanand)apaneseAmericansweretortured
and lerded into camps at tle outset of our involvement in
210 covvv :viov
World War II for fear tley were spies or sympatlizers. Fuck
man,tlemoreItlinkaboutit,Iguesstorturelasbeenapart
ofAmericanlistorysincetleinceptionofourcountry.How
ironic tlat our founding fatlers could not see tlat freedom
wouldbecomeinstilledwitlapropensityforviolentdiscovery.
Apersonwlotorturesletsalittlebitoftleirsouldiewitl
everystrikeandeveryblow.Tlisdesensitizingcanmakeusall
embattledandembittered,distrustfulanddisruptive.Istorture
tlelastresortofamindtlatcannotletgoofapreconceivedno-
tionofguilt:Arewesostubborntlatwecannotacceptaper-
sonsinnocence:Hascynicismcombinedwitlzealtomakeus
suspiciousenougltolurtoneanotler:Iseveryoneasuspect:
Is everyones involvement just assumed so we can prove it
tlrouglbruteforceandtlougltlesscruelty:Sure,Ilavemade
agreatcaseforacertainamountofuniversalguiltintleworld,
butevenIampragmatictoknowtlatnoteveryMuslimisater-
rorist.NoteveryCermanisaNazi.Noteverybankerisembez-
zlingourmoney.Noteverycriminalisakiller.Someonewlo
torturesispuslingusallintotlemeatgrinder,makingouren-
tranceintodeadlysinalittleeasierbymakingusallseemguilty
wlentlatissimplynottlecase.Iwouldliketoseelowtley
wouldlikeitifsomeonelookedjumpercablesuptotleirmost
tenderextremitiesinordertoextractabitofinformation.Ican
only lope tley do nd out some time. Tle indecencies tlat
werecommittedagainsttleprisonersattleCuantnamoBay
militarybasearereallyjusttletipoftleiceberg.Nevermindif
someoftlosedetaineesareguiltyornotistlistlefaceand
leartofAmerica:Isluddertowonder.
Tleftalmostdidnotmakemynewlist.Stealinglaskeptme
alivelongertlanIcanremember.Tlerereallywasnoprotin
itforme,itwasjustawaytoeatandtoimpressmyfriends.Well,
slit,IguessIprotedwitlacceptancefrommyfriends,buttlat
isnottlepointIamgoingtomakelere.Tleftlasbrouglttle
worldtotlebrinkofdestruction.Iamtalkingabouttleligl-
octane,absolutelycorruptedmisappropriationofpublicandpri-
vatefundstlatlasdrivenusverynearlyovertleedge,spinning
intooblivion.WlentleRepublicansrosebacktopower,tley
begantoderegulateeverylittlepieceoflegislaturetlatkepttle
giantgreedycorporationsincleck.Allofasudden,monstrous
debts started to accumulate tlrouglout our cities and states.
A trillion-dollar surplus was depleted at an exponential rate,
leavinguswitladecittlatwearestilltryingtorecoverfrom.
WlyisittlateveryfuckingtimetleRepublicanstakepower,
tleyleavetleDemocratsamesstlattakesyearstorepair:And
tle conservatives continue to be indignant, as tlougl it was
tleDemocratsfuckingfaults!Tleylettledogsofftleclain
to rip our infrastructure to slreds like a clew toy in August.
Tlentleyglteverywaytleliberalscantlinkoftoxtlesit-
uation.ItmakesmesofuckingangrytlatIcannotbreatle.It
isunbelievable.
Tletlefttlatlasbeenperpetratedintliscountylasbeen
feltintlefartlestreaclesoftleeartl.Tlefacttlatmostof
tlesewlite-collarbastardslavelargelygottenoffunscatledand
unpunisledisamoraloffensetoeveryonewlobelievesintlis
countryanditsjusticesystem.TleyslouldbelungaboveWall
Streetbytleirscrotumswlilebambooslootsareslovedinto
severalorices,displayingtleaccusedandguiltyintlemarket
squareasadeterrenttotlerestofourpeople.Bestkeepyour
dislonestwaysincleck:Tlewickedwillbebrouglttopayfor
tleircrimes,betterintlisworldtlantlenext.Nooneslould
getoffscot-free.Tlereisnoguaranteetlatyourgodgivesa
slitandwilltakelostileaction.Bettertomakeitlappenlere
soweknowitgetsdoneriglt.
212 covvv :viov
Lyingisreallyjustpartofbeingluman.Wealllielikecrazy
lopingwewillgetawaywitlwlateveritiswearetryingtotalk
ourwayoutof.Idonotliketolie,Idonotcondoneitwitlmy
friends,andIcertainlydonottolerateitfrommykids.Lieslave
covereduptledirtypartsoftlecarpetinourlittlefreedom
templelereintliscountry.Welietoourselves,welietoeacl
otler,andwelietotleworld.ButtlesamedefensesIlaveused
toexcusetleoriginalsinswillnotdointliscase.Icannotsay
tlatlyingisokay.Itistletinyleakinourgastanks,makingus
slowtodevelopandrealizeourtruepotentials.Iknowitisjust
one idiosyncrasy we all lave in common. But tlat does not
make it okay. It does not make it commonplace. It does not
meanweslould.Mostofuscleatonourwivesandlusbands.
Tlatdoesnotmakeitokay.Adulteryistleultimateliebecause
yourlifeisfalse,yourloveisfalse,andyouwindupwitltoo
manyfacestokeepupwitl.Youcannotbeatotalpersonifyou
divideagainstyourself.Imadeacommitmenttoneverlieagain.
Ilaveslippedafewtimessincetlen,butfortlemostpart,I
amkeepingmyword.
Aliarcannotbetrusted,soleorslewillnottrustinreturn.
Tlatnotionspreadslikesporesontlewind,plantingandtaking
rootacrosslandandfruitedplain.Liescreateriftsinrelationslips,
wletlertleyberomantic,diplomatic,orotlerwise.Iftletrutl
willsetyoufree,tlentlelieswillkeepyoulockedintlebottom
ofbullslitfortlerestofyourlife.Youlavetolivewitltlere-
sults.Youlavetodealwitltlederisivenatureoftlepeople
wlojustassumeyouaregoingtolietotlemfortledurationof
tletimetleylavetodealwitlyou.Youlavetoworklarderto
earnbacktrusttlantocontinueit.Wecanallbecomeafrag-
mentofourowndelusionsifwedonotmaintainourwords.A
lifeisonlyasdecentastletestimonialsleftbelindwlenitis
over.Yourrealityisneveryourown,itiskeptbytlepeoplewlo
talkaboutyouwlenyouaregone.Aliarslegacyislacedwitl
untrutls.Anlonestmanwilllavetlegoodandtlebad,but
tletrutl,nonetleless,willslineonlongaftertlatpersonlas
beengivenbacktonature.
Finallywecometotleoddmanout:badmusic.Iknowtlere
aretloseamongyouwlowilltlinkIamlosingpossessionof
my faculties, but let me ll in some of tlese blanks for you
peoplewitlblankstares.Badmusicisaformofmurdertotle
trueartofmusicingeneral.Badmusicforcedonaclildisabuse
becauseitinvariablyformstlatclildstasteinmusic.Badmusic
lasrapedanindustrytlatwasleldupstronglybygreatexpres-
sionfordecadesbutnowndsitselfoundering,givinginto
tle lowest common denominator of music just to keep its
pantiesarounditswaist.Badmusictorturestleeardrumsand
killslittlebitsofyoursensestlrouglprolongedexposure.Bad
musicstealsmoneyfromslallowpockets,stealsairtimefrom
moredeservingbandsandsongwriters,andstealstlespotliglt
from undiscovered geniuses wlo lave all but given up on a
dreambecauseoftlemediocrityofpopularradio.Badmusicis
a lie, and yet it is foisted on tle public in an attempt to turn
melodies and songs into lamburgers and fries. Bad music is
trulyasinbecauseyoudonotlavetobeexceptionaltomakeit
intlemusicindustryanymore.Youjustlavetobegoodenougl
tostickaroundandbetolerated.Iunderstandtlatbadmusicis
amatterofopinion.Iknowtlat.ButIamfairlycondenttlat
morepeopleagreewitlmetlanyoususpect.
Badmusicisjustfuckingbad.Itlasinltratedeverygenre.
Itlasinvadedeverymarket.Itisnotdelegatedtoanyoneform
or type. Tlere are glorious songs in every genre. Tlere are
214 covvv :viov
manygeniuseswloknowtlatmoneydoesnotrepresentsuc-
cess.Tlelastinglegacyyouleavebelindiswlatdenesyou.
Tlereistoomucldisposablemusicintleworldtoday,andit
isablackeyeontlememoriesoftlosewlodedicatedtleirlives
tomakingtleformbetter.Musicisnotafuckingsoda.Itisnot
afuckinginsurancerate.ItisnotafuckingT-slirt.Itistleonly
realreligiontlatiswortldevotingyoursoulto.Itistlelast
remnantoftleprimalscream,tlefuneraldirge,andtlewed-
dingmarcl.Itistleliglttlatkeepsmeoutoftlesladows,and
it is tle reason my immortal soul is not in dire straits. Bad
musicsetsfortltleideatlatanyonecanmakepopularmusic.
Tlatisafuckinglie.Ittakestalenttobeatrueartist.Anyone
wlosaysotlerwiseisafuckingliarandacleat.Plasticmusic
meltswlenlelduptotleamesoflonesty.Realmusicdoes
notlavetoworryabouttleleatbecauseitisalreadyonre
witlleartandsoul.Icanonlylopetlatitgoesaway.Idoubt
it,butIcanlope.
Tlenagain,wlatwouldIlavetocrusadeagainstifbadmusic
went away: Wlat would I ever do if doucle bags like Paris
HiltonandLindsayLolandidnotgetrecorddealsbasedsolely
ontleirnotoriety:WlowouldIgoofonifbandslikeOwlCity
andTokioHotelwerenotsmearedallovertlesoniclandscape:
You know meI do not like to name names. But every lero
needsavillainandviceversa.EveryBatmanneedslisrogue
gallery.Minejustlappenstosurroundmelikeagerm-freeunit
togltoffcontagions.EverywlereIlisten,tlereissometerrible
look leading to some god-awful racket. Tle auto-tuning is
reallytlenalnailinaconIwouldverymuclliketokickinto
tleriver.FromClertoT-Pain,tlisdisgustingtrendmakestle
lumanvoicesoundmorelikeakeyboardcaricaturetlanany
formofsinging.Nowifyouwanttosing,allyoulavetodois
talkintoamicroploneyourengineeroryourproducerwilldo
tlerestforyou.Maybetlatistleburdenofslotl:Donoteven
givetalentatlougltbecausesomebodyelsewilldoyourwork
foryou.Itmakesmesick.
Icanmakeafewjokesattleexpenseofbadmusic,buttlere
is notling funny about tle otler members of my new Seven
Deadly Sins. Tlere is notling funny about murder. Tlere is
notlingfunnyaboutclildabuse.Tlereisnotlingfunnyabout
rapeortorture.Stealingslouldbetakenmoreseriouslytlanit
isandlyingisonlyasfunnyastlecontextitcomesin.Tlisnew
listisatdeadlyasitgets,Iamcertainitlasaliglerbodycount
tlan tle previous seven. I do not care about tle reasons for
murderorrapeortlerestoftleirilk.Tlatisafuckingcopout,
aweaponintlearsenalofeverysladydefenseattorneyknown
toman.Itistleact tlatistlesin.Tlerearepeoplewlocome
equippedwitltlesametraitsfromtlatoriginallistandtley
donotkillorrapeortortureorotlerwise.Soagain,Isaytle
act istlesin.Lookatitfromacriminalstandpoint.Cluttony,
greed, slotl, envy, rage, lust, and vanity are not teclnically
againsttlelaw.Youcanmaketleargumenttlattleycanlead
tocrime,butnowyouarejustgltingwitlsemantics.Infact,
tleoriginalSevenDeadlySinsarenotillegal.Wly:Becausenot
everyoneturnsintoacriminalwlentleyfeeltlesewlims.
MynewSevenDeadlySinsare(mostly)illegal.Murder,clild
abuse,rape,torture,andtleftarecrimes.Lyingisacrimewlen
impedinganinvestigationorifyouareunderoatl.Eventlougl
badmusicisnotillegal,itlasledtocrime.Peoplestealmusic
on tle Internet because tley do not want to risk tleir lard-
earnedmoneyonbadmusic.Sotlesenewsinsaretrulydeadly
216 covvv :viov
andmoresinful.Tlesearetletrueringsoflell,tleslippery
slopeleadingtoeternaldamnationofleartandsoul.Tleyare
also illegal by tle very standards of modern law. It is simple
commonsense.Tleseoffensestrulygoagainsttlegloballerd.
Tlerealsinsareprevalentaroundtleworldineverysenseof
civilizedsociety.Butlawenforcementkeepstlematbay.People
wlosuccumbtotleirdeadlywaysareusuallyleldasexamples.
Tleiraccountabilityisobvious.Asteclnologyadvances,tle
sladowsofdoubttlatoncefellacrosstlefaceofLady)ustice
areliftingtoprovetlewronglyaccusedinnocentandtleusual
suspectsguilty.Wearewinningtlegltfortruejudgment.But
wearelosingourwaywlenitcomestotlepunislment.
MaybeifweelevatetlesecrimestotlelevelofDeadlySins,
wewillbemorepronetodowlatmustbedone.Iunderstand
tlatpeoplelaverigltsandIunderstandtlattlerearecircum-
stancesbeyondtlecontroloftotaldenition.Butwlensome-
oneissoleinoustlattleylavetobelockedawayforever,wly
fuckingbotler:Puttingsomeonetodeatlwlolaspersonally
revokedlisorlerlumanityisnotacrimeinitself:Itisreci-
procity.Itistlefaceoftotalconsequence.Itissometlingwe
needtodotogettleclaosundercontrol.Iamnotaclampion
fortleNewWorldOrder.Iamsayingtlereisrigltandwrong,
andpeopleneedtoremembertleyareresponsiblefortleirown
actions,nomatterlowseveretlepenaltiesintleend.Forevery
action,tlereisalwaysanequalandoppositereaction.Ifwedo
notprocureastrongsenseofjusticenow,wloknowslowfar
outofcontroltlefuturewillbecome:Tlereslouldbenore-
wardfornegativebelavior.Tlereslouldbenogaspofconso-
lationfortleguilty.Tlereslouldbeclarityandcalm.Tlere
slouldbeajustresponsetotlewrongapproacl.
Tlatismyargument.TlatisreallywlereIamintleworld.
Peopledeservetoknowtlattleycanresteasy.Tleydeserveto
feelliketlosewloaresupposedtoknowtlescoreactuallydo.
Tlereisreassuranceintlefeelingtlatsomeonelasourbacks.
Alltleanxietyanddistrustebbsawayuntilwestandtogetler
asacommunity,asanation,andasaworldtlatdoesnottoler-
atemisdeedsandcrime.Tlerelastobealine.Tlerelastobe
penalty wlen tlat line is crossed. I may be a man wlo las a
strange relationslip witl anarcly, but I am also a soul wlo
wantsnolarmtobefallanyone.Tlatbeingsaid,Itlinkifyou
treatpeoplelikeslit,youdeservetobetreatedlikeslit.Karma
slouldbevisiteduponeverypersonwlospitsinitsface.You
areplayingwitlenergiestlatalwaysmaketleirwaybacktotle
perpetrator.
Tlebiggestargumentagainsttlisnewlistwillbetlepeople
wlodragouttleTenCommandmentsandcallbullslitonme.
Well,Ilavearebuttalfortlat.TleTenCommandmentsare
notstrongenouglfortlisveryreason:commandmentand
deadlysinlavetwodifferentvibestotlem.Acommandment:
Come on, man, nobody even uses tlat word anymore. Also
tlerearetenoftlesetlings,andmostoftlemreallyneverget
totlepoint.Wlatismore,muclliketleoriginalseven,many
oftlecommandmentscanceleaclotlerout.TleTenCom-
mandmentsaretiredfuckingorderstlatcamefromafairytale.
)ackandMosesand)illwentuptlelill.)ackfelldownandbroke
liscrownandMosescamecarryingtwostonetabletswitldic-
tationfromaburningbusl.Civemeabreak,man.Isaytake
tle most volatile bits from tle Ten Commandments and let
tlemstandontleirownbysteppingintotlesloesoftleSeven
DeadlySins.
218 covvv :viov
Byleavingtleconnesoftlelanguagebarrierinfestingtle
commandments,youndyourselfgettingtlegistwlentley
areincontext:TlesearetlebitsoftleTenCommandments
tlataredeadly.TlesearetlebitsoftleTenCommandments
wearenotsupposedtodo.Iknow,Iknowtlewaytleyare
writtenmaybefairlypoetic.Buttlelanguagegetsintlewayof
wlattleyaretryingtosay:Do not do this shit.Anyway,tlink
abouttlis:CodpurportedlygaveMosessixlundredcommand-
mentsbutonlytenlavesurvived.Soletsgettledeadlyparts
intotleSevenDeadlySinsbeforewelosetlosebits,tooyou
know,forposterity.Tlecommandmentsarenotstrongenougl
intleirconviction.Calltlemsinsandyougetpeoplesatten-
tion.Calltlemdeadlysinsandnoonemissestlemeaning.
AsIlavesaid,tletimeforsubtletyisover.Ifpeopleinsiston
alistofdeadlysinsasareminderoftleactivitiestleyarenot
supposedtobeengagedin,tlenlettlatlistblastfortlwitltle
sortofclarityyougetfromviolentbrassinstrumentsandtym-
panidrums.Tome,itslouldcomeascommonsense:Tlisis
tleslityouarenotsupposedtobedoing.Butifpeopleneeda
cleatsleet,ne.Butletsnotbeataroundtleburningbusl.
Letsjustputitouttlere.Tlisnewlistdoesexactlytlat.Murder
isadeadlysin,asisclildabuse,rape,torture,stealing,lying,
andslittymusic.Witltlisstraigltforwardguide,tlerewillbe
nomisconception.IknowImiglttlinkveryligllyofmyself,
especiallytlatImayloldswayonlowyoureadersmigltview
sometlingascementedastleoriginalSevenDeadlySins,butI
amjustaguywloislookingattlisfromanotlerangle.Iam
putting fortl a sense of currency and a sense of wlo we are
today.TlelumansIseeliketoknowwlattlefuckisgoingon.
Icannotlelpbutbacktlat.
Welavebeentauglttolivewitlwlatweknow.Wearejust
minionsoftlepast,laulingbaggagewelavenoideawearecar-
ryingandlavenocluewlereitcamefrom.Tledutiesofliving
aregiventomistakeswenevermadeandlamperourabilities
tolearnfromtlemistakeswearegoingtomake.Buttlatistle
cycle:Wearetoobusyxingtlingsbelinduswlilesimultane-
ouslymissingtletlingswearebreakinginourownpatl.SoI
tlinkweslouldturnaroundandpayattentiontotleroad.Tle
pastislikeorneryclildrenintlebackseat:Youknowitisamess
backtlere,butyoulavetokeepyoureyesontleliglway.You
cancurseandtlrowtlreats,butnotlingisgoingtoclangewlat
isbelindyouyoucanonlycontrolwlatyousee.Tlatiswlat
Itlinkanewdeadlylistcando:Civeusamodernreminderwitl
aclassictint.ByupgradingtleSevenDeadlySins,weareem-
bracingtleoriginallistaslumaninevitability.Wearealltlose
tlingsgreedy, gluttonous, angry, vain, envious, lazy, and
lornyandmore.Weareawedandperfect.Wearemiracles
ofcommonality.Wejustneedtolifttleguiltfromouremotions
andputitonasetoftruesins.Istlisperfect:Hardly.Isitcred-
ible:Ofcourseitis.
Tlereisgoingtocomeatimewlenwelavetoacceptwlo
wearewitlouttleassistanceofreligion.Tlatwillbetledawn
oftruefaitl.Weleavetlebigdecisionstoinvisibleconsultants
andpraywegettleanswerswearelookingfor.Youmigltas
wellipacoin.TlelategreatCeorgeCarlinoncesaidlegave
upprayingtoCodandstartedprayingto)oePescibecauselis
prayersto)oePesciwereansweredwitlasmuclaccuracyand
frequencyastlosetoCod.Heladagreatpoint.Iwillnottry
tooutdolisgenius,butIwillsaytlis:Creatmindsladtlein-
siglttolookforanswersfromtlegods.Tleyladtleintellect
andnecessitytocointleSevenDeadlySins.Intlisdayandage,
220 covvv :viov
weneedtolookbeyondtlevirginalapproacltolowwetreated
ourinstincts.IfweneedalistofSevenDeadlySins,lettlemsay
exactlywlattleyneedto.Ifweaspeoplearestilllookingfor
answers,weslouldturnoureyesawayfromtleleavensand
looktoeaclotler.Iknowwedonotplaywelltogetlerlell,
someofusdonotevenlikebeingintlesameroomwitleacl
otlerbuttledivineliesinallofus.Wearemiracles.Weare
god.Ifweslaredalittlemore,wewouldnotbeleftfeelingless.
We lold tle keys to our own destinies. It is time we started
lookingfortlelocks.
11
The Dr amat i c
Concl us i on
Dear Readers,
We apologize for the interruption, but we thought we should
at least warn you before you went any further. You see, the au-
thor has taken poetic license a little too far in this last chapter.
What follows is Mr. Taylors original ending. When we sug-
gested to him it was not only implausible but also completely
out of context with the subject matter, he immediately started
to hurl whiskey bottles and soft toys at us in an attempt to do
harm to our persons. After a lengthy discussion and a few
strange requests (one being a vintage Darth Vader costume from
1978), Mr. Taylor acquiesced to our demands for an alternate
ending if we rst include his original. As per our agreement, here
it is slightly edited for time and out of fear of prosecution. Thank
you for understanding our position.
ovrous
223
chapter
Inalailofglassandpoisoneddarts,Iexplodedoutoftle
tentl-story window, spinning like Louganis in midair wlile
clingingtotledocumentsIladjuststolenfromasecretlocker
liddendeepwitlintlelastplaceanyonewouldtlinktolook
forinformationoftlatnature:tleCapitolRecordsbuildingin
Hollywood,California.Afteraclandestinemeetingwitlmem-
bersofanultra-conservativesectoftleMoonies,Iladstum-
bledontotlepiecesoftlepuzzletlatwereabouttoblowtlis
casewideopen.Unfortunately,myescapewasnearlytlwarted
byanelitemercenaryteamtlatladbeenliredbyaclandestine
adversaryknownonlyastleSladowMantokeepmenotonly
fromrevealingtlecontentsoftledocumentstoanunsuspect-
ingworldbutalsotokeepmefromevadingcaptureanylonger.
Having no otler cloice but to lurl myself tlrougl incles of
seeminglyunbreakableligl-riseglass,Iletgravityloldmein
itsicycoldgripforwlatfeltlikeaneternitybeforedeploying
my camouaged Urban Paraclute from underneatl my )osl
Crobanloodedsweatslirt.AsIoateddowntosafety,Icould
still lear tle cursing from lundreds of feet above me, tle
sounds telling me tlat I lad slot tle gap and remained un-
scatled.Ilanded,bentmykneestotakealittleoftleimpact,
cutmycluteloose,andcastonelonglookuptowlereIlad
justcomefrom.OnemoreforAmerica,Itlouglttomyself
silently.
Imademywaytomyligl-endbutfairlyinexpensiveToyota
parkedafewblocksawayinazonetlatladatwo-lourwindow
onSundaysandafteen-minuteopportunityonLaborDay.So
IwassurprisedwlenInoticedtleticketglaringatmefromun-
derneatl my windslield wipers. Tlose sick bastards . . . I
pluckeditfrommyautomotivesanctumsanctorumand,witla
maliciousgrin,crumpleditintoanoblongpaperbaseball,dis-
224 covvv :viov
cardingitintoastreamofwaterowingtowardoneoftlecitys
manysucientdrainopenings.Foradangeroussecond,Ial-
lowedmyselftowatclitsjourneylikeacapsizedsliponarag-
ingrapidlurtlingintledirectionoftledeadlyfalls.Onemore
forAmerica . . .again,Iremindedmyself.Ialsomadeamental
notetoexploreotlercatclplrasepossibilities.
Mytlougltsrantotlatfatefulmeetingontlepatioofone
of my most trusted compatriots. He lad brokered tle ren-
dezvous at great risk, as lis wife was laving friends over for
Bridge and Tequila Niglt. So tlis tte--tte would be se-
questeredtotlebackyardandagenerousportionoftlecon-
cretedriveway.Ifmyfriendswifelappenedtocomeacrossus
wlilesleroamedtlelouselookingformoremargaritas,we
weretoexplaintolertlatweweretlecaterers.Aslesnuck
backinsidetoprovidesubterfuge,Iscannedtlefacesoftlose
assembledbeforemeand,decidingagainstcaution,cuttotle
quickwitlalard-littingdirectquestion.
Wlattlefuck,dudes:
Wecandispensewitlformalities,sir.Weknowwloyouare
andweareawareofwlatyouseek.
Coodyforyoufuckers.Saywlatyoucametosay.
Wearenotyourenemies,sir.Weglttlesamecause.
Figlt:Arewegoingtolaveaproblemnow:
Tlereweretenoftlemandoneofmelellislodds,evenfor
amanwlowasatrainedmasterofseveraldirect-to-videostyles
ofmartialarts.Isquintedagainsttledyingliglttoslowtlem
Imeantbusiness.Iboremyteetlinavicioussmearofagrimace
tlatlopefullydisguisedtlefacttlatIladgas.Icouldnotlet
myoccasionalirregularitygettlebestofmenotinasituation
oflifeordeatl.SoIcontinuedtostareattlemasifIwereread-
ingtleirminds,wliclIcouldifIreallywantedtobutIdidnot
feellikeitattlatmoment.Tlatjostledsometlingintlem,for
tleygotriglttotlepoint.
Tlatwliclyouaresearclingforisnotfar,infact,itismere
minutesaway.
Tellme.
Tlereisaplacedarkandforbiddentous,aplacetlattakes
aformsoviletoourwayoflifewedarenotdescribeitlestour
tonguescurltoblackandfallfromourmoutlslikeoldclewing
gum.
Tlatisaveryvisualandgrosswayofputtingit.
Indeed.
Ineedanswers,damnit!Mypatiencewaswearingtlin,and
as mucl as I would lave loved to lang out and admire tleir
matclinglandmadevelourtracksuits,Iladbusinesstlatniglt,
andtlatbusinessmeant . . .business.
Waitnofurtler,sir.Comecloser,andwewillgiveyoutle
detailsyouneed.
Tlatladbeenafewloursago.Aftertrackingdownabuild-
ingtlattotlemresembledastackofplasticasspancakesor
recordsorsometling,Iladbrokenin,retrievedtleanalogles,
andwasabouttopresstleelevatorbuttonwlenIladstumbled
into tle Sladow Mans little surprise party. Tle crack squad
werearmedwitlriotgunsandscatterslot.Iladjustenougl
timetoseetlemtlumbingbacktlesafetieswlenImadeabee-
linefortlenearestwindow.NowIwasontlestreetandready
torun.
IswungbelindtleToyotaCelicaswleelandreditupfast.
TleToyota,orMyrtleasIladaffectionatelyclristenedlerlast
weekwlenIrentedit,jumpedattleclanceforaction.Itlrew
lerintogearandspedtotleonlyplaceIknewtlatwassafe,
tle last place on eartl tlat a gang of merciless killers would
226 covvv :viov
tlinktolookforaroguefugitivewitlsensitivematerialstley
weretryingtoretrieve:tleStarbucksonFranklin.ButIcould
notnditonmyCPSPointsofInterestsettingsoIwasobliged
toleadfortleRainbowBarandCrill.)ustenougltimetotuck
myselfupstairsandoutofsigltintleupperbar,buttlatposed
aproblem,oneofutmostimportanceIwasgettingextremely
lungry.IfIdecidedtoeattlereIwouldlavetogodownstairs
totlerestaurant,astlerewerenotablessuitablefordiningin
tleupperclub.Andinallmyyearsoffrequentingtlejoint,I
wouldnotletalittletlingliketletlreatofassassinationstand
betweenmeandtleirworld-famousClickenCaesarsalad.
But tlere would be time to gure out wlat I was going to
orderlater.Islidmycellplonefrommyjacketpocketanddialed
Corbys number. Corby was my tecl specialist and I knew I
wouldneedlislelpnowmoretlaneverbefore.Skilledinevery
formofdigitaldefenseknowntoman,lewouldlelpmema-
neuvertlrougltlenextfewobstacleswitlafewkeystrokesand
somesavvypiecesofadvice.Comeon,man,domeasolid,I
muttered under my breatl. After a few rings, le answered.
Hello:
Corby,itsme!
Wlattlefuck,dude:
Notimefortlatnow.Listen,Ilavetledocuments.
Silence.Ull . . .wlatdocuments:
Tle secret documents I got from tle meeting witl tle
Moonies!
Moresilence.WlatisaMoonie:
IlaveeverytlingIneedtobusttliscasewideopen!
Dude,areyouliglorsometling:
Corby,Idonotlavetimetoexplain.Ineedyourteclnical
wizardryontlis.Domeafavorandgototlecomputer.
Tlerewasdeafeningquietasleperformedtletask.Seconds
feltlikeprisonsentences.Damnyoureyes,man!Hurry!!
Okay,wlatdoyouneed:
Look up tle restaurant menu at tle Rainbow, would you
please:

Dear Readers,
Once again we apologize for yet another interruption, but we
could not take anymore.
That was the extent of the original ending we felt obliged to
allow out for public consumption. As you can tell, though
slightly entertaining, it is almost too strange even for us. You
should see the rest of itat one point he has himself in a dirt
pit ghting an ostrich and an elephant that have, of course, been
equipped with weapons. Fear not, PETAthey were unharmed
in the end and were obviously being controlled by the Shadow
Man, who turns out to be the ghost of Don Knotts for a reason
that is never explained.
Artists, man....
Anyway, here is the alternate revised ending he promised us,
and even though it has no explosions or deadly animals, we are
sure you will enjoy it just as much. Once again, thank you for
putting up with this last chapter.
s1iiiovrous
Sotlatismybook!Iknowyouarecomplainingtlattlerewere
notenouglplotograplsofBettyWlite,butIpersonallydonot
knowMs.Wlitesopicturesoflerinmybookwouldnotmake
sense,nordoIknowwlorepresentslerattlistime,altlougl
228 covvv :viov
Iwouldlovetoworkwitller!HerroleinLake Placid wasfuck-
inglilarious!Slit,wlerewasI. . . .
Dear Readers,
Apparently Mr. Taylor was not listening when we cautioned
him against this the rst time. We have contacted him and he
has again promised to reign himself in and nish the book in a
more appropriate manner. We apologize to Betty White for her
reference in what could have been a promising ending... al-
though we do have to agree that Ms. White did indeed kick a lot
of ass in. Her one-liners are priceless! Shit, where were we....
Oh yeshere is the real ending and we hope we do not have
to interrupt again.
noviiiiiiio:
Sotlatismybook!Itrulylopeyouenjoyedit.Iknowitwas
leavyinsomespots,butlifelappens,youknow:Tleepisodes
Idescribedalllappened,forwlateverreason.Ilavenoregrets
forlivingtlrougltlemsoyouslouldlavenoregretsforread-
ingabouttlem.Idonotknowifyounoticed,butitapparently
didnotlingtodampenmyentlusiasmormyoptimism.Iama
sillybentgeniuswitlcrazyngersandantsylegswlocravesat-
tentionandlovesanadoringaudience.Andiftlereisanyone
outtlerewloisincredulousattlefacttlattlisskinnyMid-
westernfuckupissuccessful,youarenotalone:Nooneismore
surprisedandbemusedaboutittlanIam.TlerearedaysIstill
cannotbelieveIgetawaywitlsomeoftlisslit.Tlerearealso
dayswlenItrulybelievemykarmalascaugltupwitlmeand
I can feel tle kick in my nut sack. Tlen again, maybe tlat is
wlatqualiesmetowritetlisbook.Youcannotwriteabook
aboutbirdsifyoulavenotstudiedtleminHDforaprolonged
periodoftime.So,consequently,youslouldnotbeabletowrite
anentireramblinglomagetotleSevenDeadlySinswitlout
wearing a few of tlem on your slirt like Cub Scout badges,
riglt:
Besides,mysinsarewellundercontrol,atleastasfarastle
oldsevenareconcerned.Nogluttony,nogreed,norage(well,
not mucl), no vanity, no slotl, no envy, and no lustwell,
maybejustalintoflust.SoIamdoingokayrigltnow.Buttlat
isnottosayIwillnotbeawaslintleseandotlerlumancon-
sistenciesonanotlerdayintlenearfuture.AsIlavealluded
toelsewlere,ouridiosyncrasiesarewlatmakestrangersseem
likefamily.Iknowonebookisnotgoingtomakeadentintle
tleocracytlatisplaneteartl.Hell,Iamfairlycertaintlerst
tlingNASAwilldoifwecolonizetlemoonisbuildafucking
clurcltlere.Icanseetletaglinesnow:Ourcongregationis
closertoleaventlantlerest!Dearsweet-gravy)esus,notfor
notling,butmosttimesyoureligiousfolkarereallyfuckingan-
noying.Iamdangerouslyclosetoplungingbackintotleold
seven,andIwouldlatetolietoyouattlispoint,soIwilljust
keepmycoolatleastuntiltlelastpage.Butoncetlebookis
nisled,Imakenopromises.
IamalsonowlereneartleNewSeven,exceptformaybetle
badmusic,butnowyouarejustgettingintosemanticsandtlat
is tlankfully a matter of opinion. I am not a lit witl certain
people,buttoeacllisown.Ilikeit,sofuckit.Inallseriousness,
Ilaveneverkilledanyone.Ilaveneverrapedanyone.Ilave
nevernorwilleverlarmaclild.Ilavenotstolenanytlingina
long time. I lave not lied to anyone I really care about since
2006,andIlavenevertorturedanyonewlodidnotdeserveit.
IamacreativeforcewitlalungryintellectualclasmsoIam
230 covvv :viov
pronetodistractionandimmersioninideasandunsungmusic.
Icangetstuckinmyownleadsometimes,butIlavebecome
veryadeptatpullingmyselfbacktoLifeasWeKnowItwlenit
comes to my clildren, my wife, and tle rest of my family at
large.Callmekooky,butitseemslikeIamdoingprettygood
forapersonwlooncestucklisdickinanorangefor$26.Dont
judgemeitwasaHalloweenmeet-and-greetbackstage.Be-
sides,tleypaidmeinclange,tlosecleappricks.
AsforDantesInfernallist,itlasbeendissected,dismantled,
anddebunkedtotlepointwleretlereisnotmucldirtleftto
kickinitsface.Iamproudtosaymyrstbookmaybecomemy
favorite,ifIamluckytowritemore,tleymaysufferincompar-
ison. Even if my grandmotler is tle only person wlo buys a
copy,Istandbelindeveryword.KnowingmyCram,slewill
buyalundredcopies.SledidtlesametlingwlenIwasselling
candybarsformybowlingteamyearsago.Plussletookalltle
orderformstoworkwitllerandbulliedalllerco-workersinto
buying a slit ton as well. You lave to love a devoted grand-
motler,people.Sleistlebestpersonintleworldtome.Sle
willobjecttotleracinessandobscenityoftlisbook,buttlat
willnotstoplerfromlovingme,beingproud,andcleaningout
tlenearestBarnes&Noble.Andasagoodlereticalgrandson,
Iwillbakeleracakeonlerbirtlday.
Lookatme:assumingmyrstbookwillbeinBarnes&Noble.
MaybeIamalittlemorevaintlanItlouglt.Butley,fuckit.If
youaregoingtolaveexpectations,youmigltaswelllavegi-
ganticones.Tlereistleoldadageexpecttleworstandlope
fortlebest.Tlatisagoodwaytolookatlife.SoIlopemy
bookmakesitontoafewslelves.ButIexpectitwillendup
burntinsomeLutleranparkinglot.Itwouldnotbetlerst
timeIladaburningsensationinaclurcldriveway.Yep,Isaid
it.Iwillspellit:C-L-A-P.IwilltakeUnexpectedSexualBy-
productsfor400,Alex.IjustpraytoAllalitisnottlefucking
DailyDouble.

Anyway,inconclusion,witlallduerespecttotleplaintiffs,de-
fendants,judges,juries,evidence,andimpassioneddebateses-
tablisledintleliteraturetlerein . . .wlattlebloodyfuckdoI
know:ItlinkIlavemadeitpainfullyobvioustlatwlenIam
nottalkingoutofmyass,Iampullingmiraclesoutofit.Sowly
tlelellslouldanyofyouevengivemymisguidedmusingsa
secondfuckingonce-over:Wellforstarters,Ilaverstlandex-
perience.Ilavenodegrees,nodiplomas,nodoctorates,orany
otlerslipofpapertlatismainlyusedtomakeotlerpeoplefeel
superior to otlers. I guess I could lave printed at least one
sketcly credential out and forged some signatures, but tlat
wouldnotbeverylonest.PlustleywouldclaslwitlmyMiss
Piggy collectors cups tlat I lave given valuable knick-knack
spacetoinmylivingroom.Seriouslytlougl,Ilaveseenalot
andIlavelearnedevenmore.Icanmakeeducatedguesseswitl
tlebestoftlem.SoIamnotlingmoretlanaprofessionalob-
server,anarmclairjournalist,andacynicalfuck.Buttlatdoes
notmeanIamwrong.Infact,IknowIamnot.
I know me. I know low worked up and completely lyper-
caffeinated Icanget,andIknowtlatmaycausepoopdisguised
astleoremstoyfrommylipslikebrownlittleepiplaniestlat
smellassweetastleysound.Andlonestly,wlattlefuckdoI
care:Ontoomuclcoffeeandtoomanycigarettes,Icanex-
poundwitlmyfellowIrislpoetsandlaureatestilltleysound
last call and send us staggering drunkenly into tle streets of
Limerick,stillgoingonandonabouttleromancebutstillcling-
232 covvv :viov
ingtotlecommonsense.Idonotletlittletlingslikeperception
orsocialstatuskeepmefromgivingitlargeandtellingitlikeit
is.IwouldratlerbelieveIcanlearntletrutltlanclingstub-
bornly to an antiquated opinion. Tlere are enougl of tlose
acerbic lypocrites around witlout me lelping to swell tleir
ranks.Youdonotbelieveme:Icanproveit.Youknowtlose
crotcletyracistpricksattleslittybaryourmomgoesto:Irest
mycase.
Agoodguessisjustasgoodasastraigltanswer,andastraiglt
answerwouldbemaybeleisnottlatfaroffwitlsomeoftlis
slit.Itonlytakescommonsensetosorttlrougltlerecycling
binontlecurboflife.AndImaynotlavemucl,butIwould
liketotlinkIearnedmycommonsensebadgetlrougltrialand
error.IfIwerearealautlor,oratleastifIwerenotconstantly
dressingasapiratewliletlisbookwasbeingwritten,Imiglt
actuallyconcedetlatsomeoftlesetraitsareinfactnotwlatI
would call positive belavior. Believe me, I lave tle scars to
proveit.Iftlatisnotsellingyouatall,letsjustputittlisway:I
lavenotjumpedintoanymoreceilingfansandIwillnotbelying
downinanybatltubsinPittsburglanytimesoon.SoIlaveat
leastguredouttlattlesebigdogswilllunttleliferigltoutof
youifyoudonotkeeptlemincleck.Fairenougl:Fairassump-
tion:Fairgame:Fairplay:No:Aw,gofuckyourself.
IguessIwillendtlistawdrylittletometlesamewaywecame
in,byslaringaquaintmomentIexperiencedawlileback.It
wasMay15,2008.IwasinL.A.doingsomesongwritingwitla
bandcalledHalestorm.TlatnigltIwasplanningtodoaslow
witlanall-starcoverbandcalledCampFreddy.Itturnedout
tobetlenigltImetmyfuturewifeandtlenigltIremembered
wlatitwasliketobeonastagewitlnootlerfeelingbutsleer
enjoyment.Itwastrulyincredible:Wejammed,wedanced,and
wetoretleroofofftleRoxy.Aftertleclubladclearedoutand
tleenergyladdieddownandsomeonenallytooktle).D.away
fromme,abunclofusendedupattledinerintleStandard
Hotel. My future wife actually dropped me off tlere. As sle
droveaway,IvowedtlattlatwouldnotbetlelasttimeIsaw
lerand,aftercleckingmyplonetomakesureIladtrulystored
lernumberinit,Istumbledpasttleseeminglyunnecessaryvel-
vetropesintlevaletparkingareaandintotlerestaurant.
ItwasdimlylitandeerilyquietforHollywoodat2a.m.,but
tlatdidnotstopmefromlavinganAlgonquinTablemoment
onceIwasinside.)erryCantrellandMikeInezfromAliceIn
Clains were tlere as well as Lars Ulricl from Metallica. We
weresittingatatable,talkingslopandslitandanytlingelse
wecouldtlinkofwlentlelalfdozencocktailsIladpartaken
nallycaugltupwitlmeandIdecideditwastimetoleadback
tomylotelforsomesleep.Isteppedoutsidepasttleclubbers
and scene freaks parading tlrougl tle lobby. But I suddenly
optedagainstacab.Tonigltwasnotanigltforsittingintle
backseat.Tonigltwasanigltforgettingafeelfortlelandscape
spinningaroundme.SoIslippedmyjacketontokilltleclill
and,tappingoutaMarlborointomyeagerlands,proceeded
downtlestreetintotlecity.
Tlis was Hollywoodunltered, unadulterated, and un-
incling.Iladspentalotoftimetlereovertlelasttenyears.
Irecordedmyrstmajoralbumtlere.Iladmyrsttasteof
fameandalltleexcessivetrimmingstlatcomewitlittlere.I
laddirtysexandwliskey-drencledadventuresandviolentout-
burstsallovertlisfetislwonderland.Iladtakeneveryclance
andrisk,transformingintoavagabondrockstar.ButIwasaim-
lessandcrazy.Iwasblendinginmoreandmorewitltlevery
elementsofHollywoodtlatIdespised.Isuddenlyladsomucl
234 covvv :viov
incommonwitlpeopleIladneverfeltakintoinmylife.So
mylongroadbacktorealitycamewitlliglpricesandlowself-
esteem.Iladtodismantleanegotlatwasgrowingoutofcon-
trolandstartfromscratcl.Iladbeenfamousprettymuclsince
Iwasseventeen,atleastonalocallevel.Iwasusedtoinfamy.I
wasnotusedtospiralingintomadnessfornootlerreasontlan
toseewlattleabyssladinstoreforme.Iwantedmoretlan
Behind the Music.IwantedtleRockandRollHallofFame.
AsIkeptwalking,alloftleselurdlesrantlrouglmymind.
I was tle Rosetta Stone, a keylole between two worlds tlat
neededtocoexistifIwasgoingtosurvive.Imadepeacewitl
mydemonsandleldontotlegrudgeagainstmyangels.Ire-
memberedmygoals.Irememberedmydreams.Iremembered
myself.Itwaslikecomingoutofacoma.Suddenlytleorgies
andtleboozeandtleatteryandtlemoneyandtlebullslit
didnotmatter.WlatmatteredtlemostwastlefacttlatIwas
backontleroadtowardmyownimmortality.
IfoundmyselfsittingonanoldstonebenclonSunsetBoule-
vard,smokingacigaretteandsmiling,watclingtletracroll
byme.Forsomereasonitladjustcometometositriglttlere,
wleresomanyladbefore,andreectontlatnigltsevents.
But my memories were not stuck on tlat particular evening
alone.AsIinlaledtlesmoke,myvisionwassweepingbackand
lookingattleculminationoftlreeandalalfdecadesofmylife
sofar.Iladlivedinpovertyandsurvivedlongenougltositand
lavebreakfastat3a.m.witlpeopleIgrewupidolizing.Ilad
sufferedtlewratlofkarmicjusticebutladseenarebirtlcome
intleguiseofgreatopportunitiesandalittlepositivereinforce-
ment.Iladcommittedeverysinimaginableonalistasoldas
time,andsomelowIwaspercledonaconcreteslabreveling
intlegoodfortunemyeffortsladsown.Iwasunscatledand
relativelynonetleworseforwear,andIwasincontrolofmy
owndestiny,wliclisstrangebecauseIladalwaysladdoubt
aboutdestiny,Iladseenandfelttoomanyexamplestotlecon-
trary.ButtlereIwas,asilentkingonalanguidstreettaking
stockofmyblessingsandlettinggoofmycursesliketlesmoke
Iwasblowingintotledark.Iwasaglostfromtlemiddleof
nowlere.NowIwasasoulontopoftleworld.
Iletmyguiltgolikealandfulofdustonastrongbreeze.I
lavecometoacceptmyselfforwlatIam:luman.Iamnotper-
fect. I am not immune to fate, but I am not automatically
doomedforbeingalive.Ifeeltemptationseverysecondofevery
dayandIamnotcontrolledbytlem.IdowlatIwantanyway,
sowloistosayIwantanytlingelse:WlenIwant,Ilettlese
peculiaritiesrunacrossmelikedogstotleirmasters.WlenI
donot,Ikeeptlematbaywitlmywillandmytestimony.Ido
notcutmyselfofffromwlatmakesmefeel,Ijustrefusetofeel
anytlingtlatcutsmeofffromwlatmattersmost.Itiscalled
will power. Witl a little practice, you can accomplisl great
tlings.
SoletmeclarifyinafewwordswlatIlavestrivedtoconvey
witltlisentirebook:TleSevenDeadlySinsarebullshit.Tley
areancientguidelinesfromasimplertimetlatlaveoutlived
tleirmenace.Intlewronglands,tleyarejustmoreweapons
usedtolordoverdecent,simplepeoplewloaretryingtolive
lifewitltleleastamountofdramaaspossible.Humanswillal-
waysbepronetotakingadvantageofanymeanstofeelbetter
abouttleirdownfalls.Deectionistlebiggesttraitofdenial,
sobelievingyouarebettertlaneveryoneelseistlemostde-
ective form of ignorance. Selsl malice is as genetic as tle
browlinewegetfromourparents,butwlattlisspeciesdoes
notneedismoreammunitiontoreonourfelloweartllings.
236 covvv :viov
TleSevenDeadlySinsareclaracterawsforarealityslowtlat
lasbeenonTVsincetimebegan.Wlenwedoanytlingmore
tlansilentlyaccepttlem,weputunneededemplasisontlings
tlatwealldealwitlbutlavenoneedtodebateanymore.We
areluman,people!Cetusedtoit!Instead,wewasteyears,even
decadeswortloftimeonotlerpeoplesgarbage,usingamoral
metersticktlatwaslastrelevantwlenpeopleworerobesand
sandalstobeclic.
Wealltraveltlrougltlelallwaysoflifelookingfortleriglt
doors,butweneverclecktlelandlesinfrontofus,weareal-
waysconvincedtleexitisaroundtlecorner.Itlasmademe
believetlattoomanyofusspendtoomucltimeeitlerworried
abouttlepastorfrettingovertlefuture.Noonetrulyembraces
tlenow.Noonestretclestleirlegsoutandsnugglesdownin
tlemoment,tlatmovingdotbetweenAandBtlatletsyou
knowyou are here.Ourfocuslasbecomeasystemofwlatlas
lappenedandwlatmigltlappen,andtlisinevitablyleavesyou
missingwlatisactuallylappening.Tlesamegoesfortlistired
grocerylistofoutdateddogmaticsins:Tlesweatfromtlestains
lasnotevendriedonouractionsandwearesobusyrusling
toclassifytlemtlatweforgettoletsomeslitslideeverynow
and tlen. )ust because we miglt act like assloles sometimes
doesnotmeanwearedenedasasslolesforever.Wecanaccept
wlatlasbeendoneandacceptwlatwillbesowecanpayalit-
tlemoreattentiontowlatwearedoing.Tlerearepeopleintlis
worldwloaregoingtodemonizeeverytlingwedofortlerest
oftime,lettlembemiserableiftleywantto.Wewilllaveour
partiesandtleyarenotinvited.Iftlereisonetlingtlatwill
never ever clange, it is simply tlat you cannot and will not
pleaseeveryone.Tlatisafacttryingtodosoisanexercisein
limpfutility,andtleonlypersonwlogetsscrewedintleend
isyou.Cetusedtogivingyourselfalittleslack,man.Besides,
wlocanyoupossiblybepleasingifyouarenotlappyintle
end:Doesanytlingelsematterpasttlat:
Tlingscangettouglouttlere.Iaminnowaysayinglifeis
easyandweslouldbreezetlrouglitlikeafarttlrouglasilkl-
ter,wearegoingtotakeourlumpsanddealwitlourownunique
adversity.WlatIamsayingistlatinalltleclaos,rememberto
breatle,remembertosmile,andremembertlattleonlytime
topaniciswlentlereistrulynotomorrow.Fortunatelyfortle
majorityofus,tomorrowwillalwaysmeetusintlemorning
witlacupofcoffeeandafresldeckofcigarettes,readytocrack
itscocoonandmatureintotoday.Soeasetlegriponyourmoral-
itiesandbeyourself.Fantasticisreallyjusttleaws.Nobodyis
perfectnotyou,notme,not)esus,Buddla,)eloval,norCod.
Buttlegreattlingistlatyoudonotlavetobeperfecttobe
alive,andtlatiswlatmakeslifeabsolutelyperfect.
Doyourselfafavor.Everyniglt,beforeyougotobed,run
downamentallistofeverytlingyoudidtlatday.Clecktlese
so-calledsinsagainstit.Donotbeasdramaticanddrasticas
mostzealotsorpuristswouldbejustaquickskimacrossyour
moralwaters.Ifattleendyoudonotfeellikeyoulavetoturn
yourselfintotlepoliceorpracticeself-deprecationor,wlats
worse,ogyourselfwitlsomekindofcatoninetailsunder
someweirdreligiousdoctrine,tlenufftlatlypoallergenicpil-
low,restyourleadandsleeplikeasaint.Ifyoulefteverytling
ontlestageandalltlebodiesindarkalleys,tlenwlatistle
problem,riglt:Itislardenouglwlenpeoplepreacltleway
tleybelieveyouaresupposedtoliveatyou.Donotbeatyour-
selfupfornogoodreason.Peoplearelikepantscuffs:Tleycan
comecleanwitlalittleeffort.Buttlelongeryouloldontoslit,
tletiglteritloldsontoyou.
238 covvv :viov
Weareallconnectedbyunseentlreadsandunbiddendesires,
distantrelativesinamassivefamilyinwliclnoonelooksalike
butweallseemtlesame.Ifmusicistleuniversallanguage,tlen
sinsareauniversalbirtlriglt.Weearnoursinstlrouglmis-
takesandrapture.Weearnourlumanitytlrouglourabilityto
mend. Tlis is wly wlen a person commits true atrocities
againsttlespecies,tleylosetleirriglttoclaimcolors.Buttle
brutalityoftleextremeisastlelulloftleunspectacular:rare
andultimatelytoocoarseforcommonconsumption.Tlema-
jorityofusjustwanttogetlomeintimetoenjoyamomentto
ourselves.Donotwasteonesecondoftlattimeondilemmas
tlatloldasmuclwaterasaslotglass.Letyourselfbealive,for
better or for worse. Cive your mind and your soul a little
credittleycantakeit.Weareasresilientaswearereticent.
TlereisonestatementIwantyoutokeepafteryouarenisled
witltlisbook.Itismoreofamantra,really.Nonetleless,letit
crawlacrossyourmindanytimeyoufeelyoulavebeenbacked
intoacornerspiritually.Itisverysimple:Liveyourlife,nomat-
terwlattlatlifeis.
Taketlatwitlyou.
Liveyourlife.
Nomatterwlattlatlifeis.
.ioiiuoxi1s
I would like to thank the following people for helping me make
this dream come true:
Cory Brennan, who put this idea in my head in the rst place;
Marc Gerald, who helped me narrow down my extreme imagi-
nation and focus on a single topic; Ben Schafer and everyone at
Perseus for helping me shape and mold this thing into some-
thing readable (and for fending off any lawsuitshaha); Paul
Brown, who took my ramblings about the art and channeled
them into fantastic visuals; Dave, Shawn, Monke, Amber, Jason,
Brenna, Jackie, Christine, and everyone else who brought these
sins to life; Bob Johnsen, Evange Livanos, and everyone at 5B
Management for running rampant and helping me deliver;
Stubbs and Kirby for pulling the creativity out of me and helping
me nd the visuals for the photos; and last but not least, my wife
Stephanie Taylor, my partner in crime, who always keeps me
driven, who went above and beyond to help me get this all to-
gether, and who understood just how important this was to me.
I couldnt have done this without you, Steph.
241

The - Seven.deadly - Sins.2011.retail - Ebook Distribution

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Core y Tay l or is the lead singer

of hard rock bands Slipknot and Stone

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