The Perfect Recipe for a Blended Family

Love is more important than the same last name. Today, each partner brings independent habits, tastes, resources and skills that must be consciously adapted to the new relationship. Men and women now expect to negotiate a marriage that meets the individual needs of both partners. For most people, these changes are extremely liberating, and marriages that succeed can be much more rewarding and fulfilling than those of the past. Just like my parents, they are not married so I considered our family an illegitimate family. It is also blended family. It is hard to be in this kind of family because there are lots of questions that you need to consider. What is life really like in a blended family? What are the characteristics of a blended family? What are the feelings of those who are in a blended family? I know that we are an illegitimate family because since when I was in elementary, my father and I went to his hometown, Bicol. I was a child back then so I dont know why I have brothers and sister there. I dont ask any questions because I dont care about that since then. I actually met my fathers family before and their sons and daughters. I have 3 brothers and also 3 sisters. They are very generous including also their mother. Since my mother is always in her job outside the country, I dont know anything about them. I dont ask questions. But still I found out by myself. Actually its hard living with this kind of family. Mother and Father are not married and I dont know if they planned to get married. I dont know the feelings of my mother when she knew that my father

has a family before. I could not ask my mother for I may hurt her. I needed to know more about the life in this kind of family, being a blended ones. How does the age of the children affect blending families? What really is the role of a step parent? And I remember that one of the son of my father in his first family told me that our father shows more love and appreciation to us more than them. Is it true that the father always loves his second family more than the first one? I made a list of the things I needed to know. From that list, I was able to form my research question: How do I deal with a blended family? Later, I was able to form an answer.

The Story of My Search

My search took about two weeks. I began my search by doing some background reading from the Webster Encyclopedia and it provides me a definition of the term stepfamily. But the information there is not enough so I consult the Google Search Engine. From there, I did an online search about step parents and blended families. There the information on blended families were contemporary, well organized, easy to understand, and it provide answers to all the three aspects of my research question. I actually did a lot of research and I have browsed lots of sites to feed my curiosity regarding my topic. I found books about it and I asked some of my friends if they have references also but unfortunately they dont. I even asked them if they have ideas regarding my topic but some cant relate. During the next week, my aunt and I had a conversation regarding my topic. I asked her if she can help me to interview my mother about it. Because they are both working abroad, it is hard for me to ask questions to my mother. My aunt told me that I just need to tell my mother anything and then she will surely provides answer. But the thing is, it is really hard for me. I dont know how to ask my mother. It took me a long time thinking if I will continue to interview her

but it yields to a verdict that I should not bother my mother anymore. I will just find answers to my questions all by myself. By the end of the second week. I felt that I have got lots of information. My original search question remained the same: How do I deal with a blended family?. I was able to define exactly what it was that I wanted to know. I ended up narrowing my topic to four areas I had to deal with in order to achieve the best answers for my questions: life, roles, characteristics, feelings/affection.

The Search Results

According to Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D., Stepfamilies, also known as blended families, are more of a norm now than ever. At least one-third of all children in the U.S. will be part of a stepfamily before they reach age 18. Children in blended families may at first resist the many changes they face. Fortunately, most blended families are able to work out their growing pains and live together successfully. Adjusting to a blended family is a serious issue for many teenagers or even parents. As a result of my research I have found that I can deal with a blended family through open communication, positive attitudes, mutual respect and plenty of love and patience. (Online 2011) A difficult part of living in a blended family is the inevitable comparisons with the past. Original family members may be reluctant to accept step-siblings at first, since they serve as daily reminders of the present reality. Parents should understand how difficult it can be for children to let go of their past, especially following a divorce or the death of a parent. Playing the role of step-parent can be especially difficult, since children can honestly claim one is not their "real" parent. Some experts suggest allowing the children's original parent to act as the disciplinarian, since the role of a step-parent is already so challenging.

(Online 2011) The role of a stepparent is not necessarily to be household disciplinarian. As a stepparent, it may be better to avoid making decisions regarding your stepchilds behavior. This does depend on the circumstances involved. Instead of trying to parent your stepchild, it may be better to try to be a mentor or supporter to the child. If you do not agree with how your spouse handles a particular situation, discuss this issues privately, not in front of the child. Showing support for your spouse is vital in developing a positive relationship. Talk with your partner about your concernswithout being judgmental. You should have concerns about a childs behavior, be sensitive to the fact that the child is trying to adjust to a new lifestyle. Keep a positive attitude; focus on the childs positive qualities. As time passes, your role as a stepparent may change. You may choose to be more involved with the child. Remember, though, you cannot force a close relationship, take cues from the child about how involved they want you to be. Parenting your own children can often feel exhausting; being a stepparent is sometimes even more challenging. It can be frustrating and discouraging if the relationship with your stepchild is not what you would like it to be. With patience, consistency, forbearance, and time, things will improve! (Online 2011)

A blended family may not be perfect (what family is perfect?). It is frustrating, challenging and often conflicted. It may not be permanent because

parent may divorce changing the family mix once again. A blended family might mean some changes, some conflicts, some challenges, and some compromises, but it also means more people to love and more people to love you. All families are built on love--that is true for "blood relatives" as well as blended families. (Online 2011) Kids of different ages and genders will adjust differently. The physical and emotional needs of a 2 year old girl are different than that of a 13 year old boy, but dont mistake differences in development and age for differences in fundamental needs. Just because a teenager may take a long time accepting your love and affection doesnt mean that he doesnt want it. You will need to adjust your approach with different age levels and genders, but your goal of establishing a trusting relationship is the same. For young children under 10, may adjust more easily because they thrive on cohesive family relationships. Are more accepting of a new adult. Feel competitive for their parents attention. Have more daily needs to be met. For adolescents aged 10-14, may have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. Need more time to bond before accepting a new person as a disciplinarian. May not demonstrate their feelings openly, but may be as sensitive, or more sensitive, than young children when it comes to needing love, support, discipline and attention. And for teenagers like me 15 or older, May have less involvement in stepfamily life. Prefer to separate from the family as they form they own identities. Also may not be open in their expression

of affection or sensitivity, but still want to feel important, loved and secure. After doing this research, I concluded that I can deal with a blending family simply by communicating often and openly. The way a blended family communicates says a lot about the level of trust between family members. When communication is clear, open and frequent, there are fewer opportunities for misunderstanding and more possibilities for connection whether it is between parent and child, stepparent and stepchild or stepsiblings. Uncertainty and worry about family issues often comes from poor communication. Kids like to know what to expect. When they feel empathy and understanding from their parents and stepparents, they are more likely to be resilient to the normal ups and downs of adjusting to new family members and a new living situation. Finally, I can show affection to one another comfortably, doing things together, establishing an open and nonjudgmental atmosphere and listen respectfully to one another. (Joy Steven, 2010)

My Growth as a Researcher

I actually learned a lot about doing research as a result of this project. For one thing, doing the research took a lot more time than I thought it would. Thus, I have learned to plan my time more efficiently so that I no longer be in a rush. Always do the task before or on time and dont waste your time just doing nothing because time is of the essence. I believed that my writing skills also improved. I learned to formulate questions and seek out for answers. I also learned that you need to be serious and focus doing every research for its not easy.

Furthermore, I got a lot of information that will help me understand in a better way the life, roles, characteristics and feelings of a blended family and most especially on how can I cope in a blended family.

Works Cited

Stepfamily Association of placecountry-regionAmerica (n.d.). Frequently Asked Stepfamily Questions (FAQs) http://www.saafamilies.org/faqs/faqs.htm

Kheshgi-Genovese, Z., & Genovese, T.A.(1997). Developing the spousal relationship within stepfamilies. Families in Society, 78, 255-264.

Fine, M.A., Coleman, M. & Ganong. L.H.(1998). Consistency in perceptions of the step-parent role among step-parents, parents, and stepchildren. Journal of Social & Personal Relationships, 15, 810-828.

Bray, J.H. (1999). From marriage to remarriage and beyond. pp. 253-271 in Coping with divorce,single parenting and remarriage. Edited by E.M. Hetherington. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum.

Gina Kemp, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. (2001) Step parenting and Blended Family Advice. Retrieved January 31, 2011 from http://www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm

Rachna Gupta, (2010) Blended Families. Retrieved February 1, 2011 from http://www.buzzle.com/articles/blended-families.html