Love Unscripted Copyright 2010 by Tina Reber www.tinareber.

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IS !" 1#$1$%%&'& ()!*1%" &+,1#$1$%%&'$ Copyright -arch 2010 by Tina Reber Song Lyrics to ./hat 0o 1o2 Say34 Copyright 2010 Tina Reber 5irst (dition 6 )pri7 2010 oo8 1 o9 the Series

)77 rights reserved. !o part o9 this boo8 may be reprod2ced in any 9orm or by any e7ectronic or mechanica7 means: inc72ding in9ormation storage and retrieva7 systems: witho2t written permission 9rom the a2thor: e;cept in the case o9 a reviewer: who may <2ote brie9 passages embodied in critica7 artic7es or in a review.

Trademar8ed names appear thro2gho2t this boo8. Rather than 2se a trademar8 symbo7 with every occ2rrence o9 a trademar8ed name: names are 2sed in an editoria7 9ashion: with no intention o9 in9ringement o9 the respective owner=s trademar8. The in9ormation in this boo8 is distrib2ted on an .as is4 basis: witho2t warranty. )7tho2gh every preca2tion has been ta8en in the preparation o9 this wor8: neither the a2thor nor the p2b7isher sha77 have any 7iabi7ity to any person or entity with respect to any 7oss or damage ca2sed or a77eged to be ca2sed direct7y or indirect7y by the in9ormation contained in this boo8.

The characters and events portrayed in this boo8 are 9ictitio2s. )ny simi7arity or resemb7ance to rea7 persons: 7iving or dead: is coincidenta7 and not intended by the a2thor.

This eboo8 is 7icensed 9or yo2r persona7 en>oyment on7y. This eboo8 may not be re* so7d or given away to other peop7e. I9 yo2 wo27d 7i8e to share this boo8 with another person: p7ease p2rchase an additiona7 copy 9or each person. Than8 yo2 9or respecting the hard wor8 o9 this a2thor.

T) L( ?5 C?!T(!TS @re9ace Chapter 1* (ye o9 the Storm Chapter 2 6 ?pen 0oors Chapter % * (nco2nters Chapter # * Aames Chapter $ 6 Connections Chapter ' * Respite Chapter + * Reve7ations Chapter , 6 Re97ections Chapter & * Aest2res Chapter 10 * @ossibi7ities Chapter 11 6 Ari77ed Chapter 12 6 Served Chapter 1% * /indows Chapter 1# * 0ate Chapter 1$ 6 0inner Chapter 1' * 52sed Chapter 1+ * -oved Chapter 1, 6 !ew Chapter 1& * (ntrances Chapter 21 * 0ecisions Chapter 22 * @rotected Chapter 2% * Ce7ebration Chapter 2# * Sobering Chapter 2$ * Than8s Chapter 2' * Tests Chapter 2+ * Bo77ywood

Chapter 2, * Bo7idays Chapter 2& * ?ptions Chapter %0 * R2mors Chapter %1 * roadsided Chapter %2 6 0ownward Spira7s Chapter %% * Cr2shed Chapter %# * Shattered Chapter %$ 6 )nswers Chapter %' 6 /hat do yo2 say3 Chapter %+ 6 Spar87e and 5ade

Preface

.1o2 never 8now which way the wind b7ows4 was one o9 my 9ather=s 9avorite e;pressions. I 2sed to thin8 it was si77yC >2st one o9 those sayings we te77 o2rse7ves when we don=t thin8 we have contro7 over o2r own destiny. 2t I=ve since come to rea7iDe that sometimes when those winds o9 change b7ow: they=re strong eno2gh to toss yo2 into a who7e new wor7d: and yo2 rea77y have no contro7 over where yo2 97y or how yo2 7and. I=d a7ways been <2ite content with my 7i9eC it was 9air7y easy and predictab7e with on7y a hint o9 drama here and there ca2sed by an occasiona7 7ight breeDe. There were a 9ew times when -other !at2re hit me with her best shot: b2t I a7ways managed to 7and on my 9eet. Somewhere a7ong the 7ine I act2a77y tho2ght I had gained contro7 over the weather: 8eeping the possibi7ity o9 a terrib7e storm a7ways at bay. That was 2nti7 the day the wind b7ew thro2gh my door and carried me away.

Chapter 1- Eye of the Storm

.?oh: ooh: Taryn: t2rn it 2pE4 -arie pointed 9rantica77y in the air whi7e ma8ing a gin and tonic with her other hand. Ber s2dden e;citement ca2ght me o99*g2ard and made me >2mp. I <2ic87y grabbed the te7evision remote: 92mb7ing to ad>2st the vo72me o9 the evening news. I sho27d have 8nown betterC there was on7y one thing -arie or any o9 the other women in town 9e7t was newsworthy these days: and it wasn=t that the ma77 was having a shoe sa7e. I don=t even thin8 .9ree shoes4 co27d have been more e;citing to them. Soon a9ter my th2mb hit the b2tton on the remote I became s7ight7y pert2rbed: b2t it was too 7ate to correct my mista8e. The damage was a7ready done. .Loo8s 7i8e the obsessive 9ans ca2sed another tra99ic >am today:4 I said: 7a2ghing 7ight7y: trying to pretend 7i8e I act2a77y cared. 5or a moment I tho2ght I was watching a repeat o9 yesterday=s news report. The news camera panned a 7arge crowd o9 9rantic gir7s who 7ined 2p a7ong side o9 the road * again. They were trying to spy on the movie crew as they 9i7med on one o9 o2r 7oca7 beaches * again: hoping 9or the random chance to get a g7impse o9 .him.4 etween a77 o9 the cars that were par8ed haphaDard7y and the gir7s r2nning bac8 and 9orth across the street: tra99ic on ?cean Fiew 0rive was a7most at a standsti77. The po7ice were trying their best to move the chaos away 9rom the area: inadvertent7y creating more chaos in the process. .I=m s2re a77 o9 their GI Love Ryan= posters wi77 capt2re his attention:4 I stated >o8ing7y: ro77ing my eyes at the abs2rdity o9 it a77. 5rom what I had seen and heard abo2t him: I pres2med he didn=t care the s7ightest bit abo2t the teenyboppers and their chi7dish signs o9 7ove and adoration. Sti77: their actions perp7e;ed me to no end. /hat possessed these gir7s 6 many o9 them grown women 6 to ta8e the time o2t o9 their day to decorate poster board and stand a7ong side a b2sy roadway3 0o

they act2a77y thin8 he may >2st stop one day3 .0ar7ing: yo2r sign with my name written in 97orescent pin8 with si7ver hearts is s2ch a bri77iant artistic representation o9 my 7i9e. It va7idates my e;istence and ma8es me so hot. @7easeH comeH r2n away with meH4 I t2gged on -arie=s arm: pretending to be .him.4 ) 9ew o9 the patrons sitting at the bar 7a2ghed at my theatrics: whi7e the gir7s who were being interviewed by the news reporter on TF screamed >2st a bit 7o2der. I pointed the remote bac8 at the te7evision and <2ic87y 7owered the vo72me o9 their ear*piercing shrie8sC I rea77y wanted to change the channe7. .Bang on a sec: I want to see this:4 -arie de9ended <2ic87y: dismissing my actions with her hand. Ber eyes stared intent7y at the screen. .)hhE See: he=s on againE4 -arie s<2ea7ed with e;citement. Severa7 7adies sitting at the bar 72rched o99 o9 their stoo7s to get a better view o9 the te7evision. .Bey * watch what yo2=re doing.4 I pointed. -arie was so preocc2pied watching the news she speed*po2red vod8a on the o2tside o9 the g7ass. .0amn: 7oo8 at himE Be=s so 9rea8in= gorgeo2s:4 Traci: one o9 my reg27ar c2stomers: sho2ted. ) gro2p o9 b2sinessmen sitting at one o9 the tab7es nearest to the te7evision booed 7o2d7y and then re<2ested 9or me to t2rn (S@! on instead. Unconscio2s7y: my eyes 97ashed bac8 to the te7evision to see what the big dea7 was: b2t I on7y saw part o9 his head as he c7imbed into the bac8 seat o9 a car. It had on7y been abo2t two wee8s since .he4 and .the cast4 descended on o2r town b2t I was a7ready tired o9 hearing abo2t them. The 7oca7 news and radio stations ta78ed abo2t the actors incessant7y: to the point that it became over8i77. I tried desperate7y to remember what 7i9e was 7i8e before they 7anded: b2t it was di99ic27t. I <2ic87y diverted my attention to more important things: 7i8e the two we77*dressed yo2ng men who >2st sat down at the bar near the 9irst c72ster o9 beer taps * c2stomers. ?ne o9 the men ca2ght my eye as he 7oosened the 8not o9 his brown pais7ey nec8tie: ta8ing a moment to 2nwind a9ter a 7ong day at the o99ice no do2bt. I had seen him once be9ore in the p2b: and now he was smi7ing bright7y at me. I 7et o2t a tiny sigh whi7e waiting 9or the stream o9 amber beer to 9i77 the g7ass m2g in

my hand. -y 9ingers gripped the 7arge wooden hand7e: and with a <2ic8 97ic8 o9 my wrist: I c2t the 97ow 9rom the beer tap. I s7ipped the ten do77ar bi77 o2t 9rom 2nder his 9ingers and went on with my day. .Be=s c2te:4 -arie m2ttered private7y. I p2nched the 8eys on the register to ring in the sa7e. .Be=s married.4 -arie 7oo8ed bac8 at him. Ber eyes e;amined my assessment. .!o ring:4 she whispered: appearing s7ight7y p2DD7ed. She obvio2s7y didn=t 7oo8 hard eno2gh. .1o2 can see the indentation.4 I carried his change bac8 to him. -arie 7oo8ed astonished that I noticed that. /hat she didn=t 8now was that the 7ast time this partic27ar man was in my p2b: he was wearing a go7d band aro2nd his 7e9t*hand ring 9inger. @oor manH somehow his wedding ring m2st have accidenta77y s7ipped o99 be9ore he sat down. /hi7e I mind7ess7y washed some dirty g7asses in the sin8: the setting s2n beamed its 9ina7 rays: casting bea2ti927 h2es o9 pin8 and p2rp7e thro2gh the 7arge windows that dominated the 9ront o9 my p2b. My p2b 6 I co27d say that now with abso72te a2thority: a7tho2gh the heartache that I was p2t thro2gh to be in this spot wo27d never: in a mi77ion years: be worth it. It was not worth the persona7 7oss. 2t then again: when has 7i9e ever been 9air3 I had prepared myse79 proper7yH co77ege ed2cation with honors: p7ans 9or a -aster=s 0egree to 9o77ow. Sti77: despite my best e99orts: 9ate apparent7y had some other 92t2re in mind 9or me: and it wasn=t to worry abo2t other peop7e=s 9inancia7 sit2ations. I gaDed at the windows: imagining that the view o9 the evening s8y over the )t7antic ?cean was even more breathta8ing. I tho2ght abo2t r2nning 2pstairs to the roo9top to watch the s2nset over the water b2t I co27dn=tC c2stomers were a7ready 9i7tering in 9or happy ho2r. (ven tho2gh there was an enormo2s in972; o9 new peop7e in o2r 7itt7e town o9 Seaport: Rhode Is7and recent7y: my c2stomer co2nt odd7y remained the same * probab7y beca2se a77 o9 the mayhem was 7ocated at the other end o9 town. It had been a7most two months since the tractor*trai7ers 7oaded with e;pensive cameras and 9i7ming e<2ipment 9irst r2mb7ed thro2gh o2r streets. )n e;tensive prod2ction crew immediate7y 9o77owed. They came in droves. In the b7in8 o9 an eye: po7ice barricades b7oc8ed o99 se7ected roads: and h2ge: white

tents were erected in the empty par8ing 7ot ne;t to the vacant wareho2se by @ier Seven. Towering 7ights were bro2ght in to i772minate the entire 7ot and severa7 7arge mechanica7 cranes were par8ed on stand*by near the new 9ence. Long: white camper trai7ers were arranged in rows and it reminded me o9 the times when the carniva7 wo27d come to town. The on7y thing missing was the 5erris whee7. (verything: 9or the most part: was ca7mC that was 2nti7 the big*named Bo77ywood actors arrived. /ith them came the news crews: photographers: and mobs o9 obsessed 9ans. It was 7i8e having wi7d: rabid dogs 2n7eashed in the streets. (veryone was in a tiDDy. The biggest commotion: however: was ca2sed by a twenty*si; year*o7d actor t2rned mega*star overnightH Ryan Christensen Si; 9oot two: dirty b7ond hair: b72e eyes: incredib7e body 9rom what I=ve seen in the magaDines that -arie 8eeps st299ing in my 9ace: and reported7y sing7e again. ?h: how they a77 swooned * everyone: e;cept 9or me. -arie and severa7 o9 my 9ema7e c2stomers were comp7ete7y 972stered >2st 9rom getting a <2ic8 g7impse o9 him on TF. I was re7ieved that they didn=t behave 7i8e the mob o9 screaming 9ans that was shown on the news. I co27d never 2nderstand what drove women to the point o9 hysterics when they saw a 9amo2s singer or movie star. I remembered seeing video c7ips o9 women going o2t o9 their minds 9rom seeing (7vis or The eat7es * screaming: crying: and passing o2t 9rom getting their g7impse. I 8new it was thri77ing: b2t there has to be a 7imit be9ore yo2 7ose contro7 o9 yo2r emotions and behavior. I >2st co27dn=t re7ate. Arowing 2p: it wasn=t in my persona7ity to hang pict2res o9 teen heartthrobs on my wa77s. y the time I was in my teens: I had discovered 9ine art instead. -y bedroom was covered in the c7assics with my own artwor8 dotted in between. That was more my sty7e: moreH rea7istic: tangib7e. I s7id a 9resh pitcher o9 beer over to my c2rrent c2stomer. .That=s 9ive*9i9ty p7ease.4 I smi7ed in ret2rn: dancing s7ight7y to the song p7aying o99 o9 my i@od over the p2b=s so2nd system. ?ne o9 the 9ire9ighters 9rom o2r 7oca7 Seaport 5ire 0epartment: who was sitting with

a gro2p o9 co*wor8ers at the 7arge: ro2nd tab7e in 9ront o9 me: raised his empty beer pitcher in the air to get my attention. .@hi7 rea77y 7i8es yo2:4 -arie whispered. ./ho=s @hi734 I as8ed: p277ing my 7ong b7ond hair bac8 to remove the 9ew strands that annoying7y st2c8 to the corner o9 my mo2th. -arie ro77ed her eyes at me. .TarynE4 she sco7ded. .Sorry: b2t I don=t 8now who yo2=re ta78ing abo2tE4 I honest7y had no c72e who @hi7 was. .5ire 0epartment34 She motioned the direction with her eyes. .The c2te g2y smi7ing at yo23 The one who is recent7y divorced and now on the open mar8et34 .Bim34 I pointed with a ti7t o9 my head. .I tho2ght his name was Todd.4 .!o: it=s @hi7:4 -arie corrected: 7a2ghing at my con92sed e;pression. .Be=s been as8ing abo2t yo2.4 I opened a new bott7e o9 vod8a: wondering where I ever got the name Todd. ./e7734 -arie as8ed impatient7y: waiting 9or my response. .!ot interested:4 I m2ttered whi7e I prepared a 0irty -artini. Sandy had as8ed 9or three o7ives in this one. -arie p2t her 9ist on her hip: >2st 7i8e she a7ways does when she 9ee7s the need to 7ect2re me. I started 7a2ghing at her stanceC it reminded me o9 when we were teenagers: 7eaning on o2r schoo7 7oc8ers and ta78ing abo2t boys. I was than8927 that she at 7east 8ept her voice down this time to reprimand me so a77 the peop7e sitting at the bar wo27dn=t hear her every word. .Taryn: what=s wrong with him3 Be is 9rea8ing good*7oo8ingE4 -arie whispered. I sighed. .!othing is wrong with him.4 I <2ic87y h2rried down the 7ong bar to de7iver the martini. It didn=t matter how handsome he wasC I did not want to be any man=s second choice 9or a wi9e. ./hat abo2t 0an over there34 -arie s2ggested. .That poor g2y as8s yo2 o2t at 7east once a wee8. Be=s adorab7e too. ?r Ie99: or Jevin: or )ndy34 She pointed inconspic2o2s7y aro2nd the p2b. I g7anced aro2nd at the 9aces o9 the men that she was re9erring to. )77 o9 them had as8ed me to go on a date at one time or another and I had 7ied to each and every one o9 them:

te77ing them I a7ready had a boy9riend. .1o2 need to give a 9ew o9 these assho7es a chanceH yo2 >2st might 9ind one that 9itsE4 -arie teased me. . esides: i9 I had a body 7i8e yo2rs: I=d be p2tting it to good 2se every dayE4 She didn=t need to sha8e her b2tt 9or me to grasp her inn2endo. I ro77ed my eyes. .!o yo2 wo27dn=tE )nd yo2=ve 8nown me 7ong eno2gh to 8now I=m not 7i8e that either.4 .Tar: it=s been 7i8e eight months. This e;istence yo2=re in is not hea7thy.4 .Bea7thy in comparison to what34 I as8ed. -y chest sti77 had a 7ingering: d277 pain 9rom the 7ast man who shattered my heart into a mi77ion pieces. I didn=t need to e;p7ain 92rtherC -arie 8new e;act7y what I meant. . esides: I 7i8e my e;istence:4 I in9ormed her with an e;aggerated grin. It was sa9e 6 predictab7e 6 pain7ess. .I >2st want to see yo2 happy again:4 -arie 2ttered in de9eat. .0on=t worry abo2t me. I=m 9ine.4 )ct2a77y I had grown <2ite acc2stomed to 7ying to her: too. Litt7e did she 8now: I had another st2pid dream: or sho27d I say nightmare: abo2t Thomas again this morning. .I don=t need some divorced g2y on the rebo2nd to ma8e me happy:4 I said to her in passing. .(hem: Taryn34 I heard a man=s voice ca77 my name. @hi7 the 9ireman was standing at the bar. Instinctive7y my sho27ders h2nched 9rom the 9ear o9 having been overheard. I hoped 7i8e he77 that he didn=t >2st hear my commentC I wo27d 9ee7 aw927 i9 he did. I 7oo8ed at -arie 9or con9irmation. Ber eyes opened wider and she shr2gged the s7ightest bit: which was abso72te7y no he7p. I started to panic a 7itt7e insideC the 7ast thing I wanted to do was to h2rt his 9ee7ings. @hi7 waved a twenty at me and gest2red 9or the new pitcher o9 beer I sti77 he7d in my hand. .I wanted to as8 yo2 i9 yo2=ve tried that new stea8ho2se over by the ma77 yet34 @hi7 m2mb7ed nervo2s7y: a7most to the point that I didn=t 2nderstand him. )s I processed his <2estion: my eyes c7osed brie97y and I too8 a deep breath thro2gh my nose. This was his opener to as8 me on a date.

.!o: I haven=t: b2t -arie has.4 I h2rried away to the cash register with his money in hand and p2nched the 8eys s7ow7y: trying to 9ig2re o2t how to 7et him down easy. I co27d sense what was coming. .0o yo2: I mean: maybe sometime: can I ta8e yo2 there 9or dinner34 It was hard 9or him to as8. I 9e7t rea77y bad 9or him and 9or what I was abo2t to say ne;t. .@hi7: that=s very sweet o9 yo2 to o99er: b2t I=m a7ready seeing someone. I=m sorry.4 -y candy*coated 7ie so2nded so convincing I a7most be7ieved it myse79. .So who are yo2 dating these days3 1o2r right hand or yo2r 7e9t34 -arie >eered when @hi7 wa78ed away. I co27dn=t he7p it 6 some >2veni7e instinct made me react. I st2c8 my tong2e o2t at her. .1o2 8now what yo2r prob7em is3 1o2 need to get 7aid:4 she m2mb7ed 2nder her breath. .)nd I=m not ta78ing abo2t the do*it*yo2rse79 8ind o9 7aid either. I2st pic8 one o9 these g2ys and go have meaning7ess: mind*a7tering: sweaty se; a7readyE4 I reta7iated her snide remar8 by snapping her in the b2tt with my damp bar rag. .So is that what you wo27d do i9 yo2 weren=t a7ready married34 I 7a2ghed. .I >2st want to be c7ear with this wonder927 advice yo2=re giving me beca2se I don=t reca77 yo2 se7ecting Aary 9rom the masses here.4 .)hH4 She waved a disgr2nt7ed hand at me. .1o2=re hope7ess.4 I 7e9t o2t a 7o2d: agreeing sigh. ./hy don=t yo2 go over there and be nice to him3 I heard the 5ire 0epartment was ca77ed o2t to the movie set this morning. -aybe he co27d get 2s in34 -arie shr2gged: a g7immer o9 hope in92sed her voice. I wrin87ed my nose at her and co2ntered her s2ggestion with one o9 my own. ./hy don=t you go be nice to him then3 I have no desire to go 97oc8 aro2nd some movie set 7i8e a pathetic gro2pie.4 .Spea8ing o9 gro2pies: did yo2 hear that the po7ice had to escort his 7imo to his hote7 7ast night34 she as8ed: tapping one o9 her 7ong 9ingernai7s on Ryan Christensen=s pict2re in today=s newspaper. .)rtic7e says there was a mob o9 women thereC they had his hote7 s2rro2nded again.4 I ro77ed my eyes and contin2ed wiping the bar with a towe7. I rea77y co27d not be

bothered with the trivia7: b2t it was hard to ignore. (veryone wanted to 8now the most minisc27e detai7s abo2t him and his 9e77ow actors and their g7amoro2s 7ives. The photographers and reporters h2nted them down dai7y. (very day the news reports had something to say abo2t the actors: the movie: the set 7ocations: or the disr2ptions ca2sed by the h2ndreds o9 craDed 9ans that 9o77owed them here. It was a77 too abs2rd 9or my taste: b2t Ryan Christensen was a dr2g that everyone seemed hope7ess7y addicted to. .Air7s have been trying to s7eep o2t on the sidewa78 and everythingH cops had to te77 them to 7eave:4 -arie babb7ed to a 9ew 9ema7e c2stomers sitting at the bar as she sh2997ed the newspaper into a neat pi7e. I shoo8 my head whi7e trying to imagine what the payo99 wo27d be to even consider s7eeping on co7d concrete in $0*degree weather. It was sti77 nice o2t d2ring the day: b2t it was the 7ast day o9 September and the evenings were chi77y. .That=s ridic27o2s:4 I m2ttered. .They=77 have to s7eep down on the beach now:4 Sandy: o2r 7oca7 bea2tician: chimed in. She too8 another sip o9 her martini whi7e everyone waited in anticipation 9or her to e;p7ain. .?ne o9 the gir7s who wor8 at the Le;ington Bote7 was in the sa7on this a9ternoon:4 Sandy babb7ed: 7i8e the in9ormation she had was no big dea7. .She said it was a77 h2sh*h2sh: b2t the hote7 sta99 was in9ormed that a77 o9 the actors were being re7ocated there today. )pparent7y the Le;ington has better sec2rity and private garage entrances. I don=t 8now * whatever. )nyway: it so2nds 7i8e they=re going to be right down the street 9rom 2s now.4 .!o shitE4 -arie screeched e;cited7y. .1o2 mean to te77 me that Ryan and the entire cast are going to be on7y three teeny b7oc8s down that street34 She pointed o2t the window in the direction o9 -27berry Street. Ber e;2berance abo2t this entire topic was bordering on annoying. .I sti77 can=t be7ieve they are 9i7ming the second Seaside movie right here in o2r town. This one is going to be even better than the 9irstE4 -arie g2shed. .?8ay: that=s 7i8e the h2ndredth time yo2=ve said that:4 I teased. ./e77 maybe i9 yo2 bothered to watch the 9irst movie yo2=d 8now what a77 o9 2s are

so e;cited abo2t:4 she snapped bac8. .I read in one o9 the magaDines at the sa7on that he is s7eeping with the gir7 who starred in his 7ast movieH what=s her name: S2Dette: S2Danne something34 Sandy commented. .!o Sandy: that=s not tr2e:4 -arie shot bac8: sha8ing her head in disagreement. .Be was dating La2ren 0e7aney 9rom that TF show Modern Times: b2t they bro8e 2p.4 -arie=s tone was a7most sympathetic. She tossed her 7ong choco7ate*brown hair o99 her sho27ders: 7oo8ing 7i8e she 9e7t sorry 9or this man she didn=t 8now persona77y. .I heard that someone sto7e some o9 his c7othes 9rom the hote7 7ast wee8 and tried to se77 them on e ay:4 Traci added. .?h: that=s >2st wrong:4 I b72rted o2t: trying to imagine what type o9 sic8*o wo27d b2y some g2y=s 2sed shorts. The tho2ght made me sh2dder. ./hy on (arth wo27d someone do that3 /e77: whoever did it: I hope they got arrested.4 -y mind co27d not rationa7iDe the actions. .It s2re is a twisted wor7d we 7ive in.4 .I9 I had the chance: I=d twist on him severa7 timesE4 -arie grow7ed. I 7a2ghed when she wigg7ed her hips. ./hy don=t yo2 twist yo2r way over to the big tab7e with this pitcher 9or me3 @7ease3 ?2r 9ire department 7oo8s 7i8e they sti77 have 9ires to p2t o2t.4 I 9e7t bad 9or t2rning @hi7 down: so I was trying to ma8e it 2p to him with a 9ree pitcher o9 beer. Secret7y tho2gh I didn=t want to go anywhere near him. ./hy don=t you ta8e it over and at 7east ta78 to him3 Be=s a rea77y nice g2y: Taryn.4 .-arie: I=m not interested: o8ay34 ./e77: since yo2 seem to have sworn o99 menH4 she m2ttered: .here: I=ve got something 9or yo2. It=s not porn: b2t it=s c7ose eno2gh.4 She 7a2ghed whi7e r2mmaging in her h2ge p2rse. She he7d o2t another gossip magaDine with a big: g7ossy pict2re o9 Ryan Christensen on the cover. The caption 2nder his pict2re read"

The truth about Ryan:

Bis (;*gir79riend te77s )LLE

I p2rsed my 7ips and t2rned away: s7ight7y disg2sted that anyone=s e;*gir79riend wo27d have the a2dacity to .te77 a77.4 Be was probab7y better o99 witho2t her. .Bey: 7et me see thatE4 Traci ye77ed: reaching 9or the magaDine. ./hat=s yo2r prob7em: Taryn34 -arie gr2mb7ed and stamped her 9oot. .0on=t yo2 thin8 he=s hot3 I mean: 7oo8 at himE4 .It doesn=t matter:4 I dismissed. .Be is >2st another g2y who is a77 9277 o9 himse79. esides: I have better things to thin8 abo2t * 7i8e why Aeorge and Ted 7oo8 mad beca2se I=m not bringing their drin8s 9ast eno2gh.4 .1eah: 7i8e those two o7d 9arts are in a h2rry. The on7y p7ace they=re going to is their ne;t a7coho7*ind2ced coma:4 she dec7ared. I gave her my most dramatic: horri9ied 7oo8. ./ho are yo2 a77 going to gossip abo2t once the ce7ebrities 7eave town3 1o2=77 need to 9ind someone e7se to ta78 abo2t.4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 7a2gh. ./e=77 >2st ta78 abo2t yo2: Tar. /e=77 sit aro2nd and reminisce abo2t how m2ch 92n yo2 2sed to be whi7e 2sing the cobwebs growing between yo2r 7egs to 8nit hats 9or the poorE4 -arie n2dged me. .1o2=re s2ch a bitchE4 I snic8ered at her. .1epE4 She grinned: pretending 7i8e she was going to spray me with the soda wand. . 2t yo2=77 never 9ire me beca2se I=m yo2r best 9riend and yo2 7ove meE4 0amn her 9or being right. The ne;t day I wo8e to the s2n beaming bright7y thro2gh my window. I yawned whi7e my 9ingers care7ess7y 92mb7ed to sh2t o99 the a7arm c7oc8. I contemp7ated going bac8 to s7eep b2t it was a7ready nine o=c7oc8 and there were things I wanted to get done today. /ith a groan: I tossed the covers o99 and 7anded my bare 9eet on the co7d wooden 97oor o9 my bedroom. . rr:4 I m2ttered o2t 7o2d. The 9rigid oa8 p7an8s sent a shiver thro2gh my body.

?2tside my window: tr2c8 bra8es screeched very 7o2d7y: ca2sing me to 97inch and d2c8 re97e;ive7y. C2riosity made me tiptoe across the 97oor to 9ind the so2rce o9 the noise. Ah, Maggie is getting a delivery: I noticed: peering o2t the window at the bac8 a77eyway behind my b2i7ding. I 7ingered in the hot shower ne;t: primping 9or a 9ew e;tra min2tes: whi7e my mind was menta77y distracted creating my agenda. The 7onger I tho2ght abo2t it the 7onger my to* do 7ist got. I pic8ed my 9avorite >eans o2t o9 the c7ean 7a2ndry bas8et and s7ipped a white T*shirt over my head: t2ss7ing my 9ingers thro2gh my 7ong b7ond hair to separate the waves. )9ter adding the 9ina7 to2ches o9 ma8e2p and mascara: I s8ipped down my stairs and thro2gh the door that 7ed direct7y into the p2b. .Aood a9ternoon: my 7ove7y bar:4 I said o2t 7o2d to no one. .Time to wa8e 2p and greet a new day.4 I opened each o9 the window b7inds: watching the microscopic d2st motes 97oat in the s2n7ight. I tho2ght abo2t c7eaning the windows again * they were 7oo8ing a bit dirty. I=d have to remember to as8 my 9riend @ete i9 I co27d borrow his e;tension 7adder. That wo27d have to wait. It was /ednesday a7ready and I sti77 hadn=t 2pdated my entertainment sign 9or the wee8end. 5irst things 9irst.

I dropped the piece o9 cha78 bac8 into the bo; and carried the 2pdated s7ate board sign o2t to the sidewa78. I had to s<2intC the s2n was bright 6 even more so since I >2st emerged 9rom a dar8ened p2b. Wow! Its beautiful out here! I 7eaned bac8 on my open door: ta8ing a deep breath and c7osing my eyes 9or a moment to 9ee7 the warm s2n7ight on my chee8s. (ven the air sme77ed better today. Perhaps if I open late today I ould en!oy this ni e weather up on the rooftop with a good boo" in hand# ?h: that tho2ght was very tempting. Reasons to goo9 o99 were starting to o2tn2mber my to*do 7ist: b2t the responsib7e part o9 my conscio2s <2ic87y sn299ed that. $o, I

have a lot to do inside% &etter get at it' in a minute' the sun feels so ni e' -y re72ctant eyes instant7y popped open when I heard the 9rantic so2nds o9 women screaming. -y vision was b72rred by the bright s2n and it too8 my eyes a moment to ad>2st to the pandemoni2m headed straight 9or me. That=s when I ca2ght sight o9 him * what appeared to be Ryan Christensen * r2nning 9277 speed down the sidewa78. Bis body was on a direct co77ision co2rse with mine. . ac8 door34 he as8ed in a panic as he a7most 8noc8ed me to the gro2nd. I st2mb7ed bac8wards aw8ward7y into the open doorway: grabbing the 9rame to 8eep myse79 9rom 9a77ing down. .0oor:4 I <2ic87y answered: my sha8y hand pointed to the direction: b2t he was a7ready r2nning thro2gh the p2b. Instead o9 escaping thro2gh the 8itchen door aro2nd the corner: he 97ew thro2gh the 9irst door he saw. .!o: not that doorE4 I breathed o2t: tripping over my own 9eet as I 9o77owed him inside. It was too 7ateC he disappeared thro2gh the door that 7ed 2p to my apartment. .0amn itE4 I c2ssed o2t 7o2d. ) sp7it second a9ter he vanished 9rom view: the 9ront door 97ew open and smac8ed 7o2d7y into the wa77. ) sma77 gro2p o9 women barged inC behind them were men with cameras: b2t odd7y they stayed o2tside. ./hoa: ho7d on thereE /aitE ?h no: noE4 The words were >2st spi77ing o2t o9 my mo2th as I ran towards the door. Instinct to7d me I had to stop them be9ore they got too 9ar into the bar. It was obvio2s that they were what he was r2nning 9rom. ./e saw him come in here:4 one o9 the craDed 7oo8ing women bar8ed as she tried to press past me. .!o: he=s not in here * he ran o2t the bac8 door:4 I shri77ed: b7oc8ing her advance with my arms. .I9 yo2 r2n down the street yo2 might catch him.4 I hoped my 7ie so2nded convincing. .1o2 a77 have to get o2t o9 here. !?/E 0on=t ma8e me ca77 the po7iceE4 I ye77ed as I herded them bac8 to the door. The instant they were o2t: I 7oc8ed the door behind them and hit the 7ight switch% Shit, what do I do# I started to panic. There was a 7arge crowd o9 photographers and peop7e

starting to pi7e 2p on the sidewa78. -any o9 them were a7ready mashing their 9aces to the g7ass: trying to 7oo8 in my windows. I moved as <2ic87y as I co27d: s7iding on my 8nees across the wooden bench seat at the 9irst booth by the door. I 9e7t 7i8e the hap7ess h2man: the 7ast s2rvivor: who has to 9end o99 the attac8ing Dombies a77 by herse79. -y heart was po2nding in my chest when I dropped the b7inds down on their intr2ding 9aces. -y tho2ghts sp2n in circ7es as I ran 9rom window to window. I was so preocc2pied with obsc2ring their view that I hadn=t even noticed where he was. I tried to rep7ay the 7ast si;ty seconds over again in my mind. /as he sti77 inside or did he manage to ma8e it o2t o9 the b2i7ding a9ter a773 0id he s7ip o2t the bac8 door when I was distracted3

Chapter 2 Open Doors

I s7ow7y crac8ed the door 7eading 2pstairs to my apartment: my eyes straining to see i9 I co27d spot him. There he was: sitting h2dd7ed 2p on the top 7anding with his 9ace b2ried in his arms. Bis hands were sha8ing ever so s7ight7y. I co27d see that his shirt had been rippedC part o9 his stomach was visib7e thro2gh the 7arge: 9rayed tear. ?h my (od! What happened to this poor guy# I 9e7t a 7itt7e more co2rageo2s since he was obvio2s7y in distress: so I opened the door wider and c7eared my throat so he wo27d 8now I was standing there. I had no idea what to say. .Sorry:4 he p7eaded: ca2tioning me with open hands. .I=m not some craDy maniac. @7ease: p7ease don=t scream.4 .It=s 9ineH it=s 9ine. I 8now who yo2 are:4 I said in my so9test voice: trying to ca7m him down. .Um: are yo2 o8ay34 .!ot rea77y:4 he whispered. Be was gasping 9or air: his hand covered his heart. .Can yo2 give me a min2te34 .S2re:4 I whispered bac8. .Ta8e as 7ong as yo2 need.4 .!ot the bac8 door: I ta8e it34 he bare7y 2ttered: pointing his th2mb over his sho27der to the door behind him. .)h: no. That=s the door to my apartment.4 I wanted to give him some privacy: so I started to bac8 2p o2t o9 the doorway. .)re they down there34 Bis tremb7ing 9ingers covered his eyes: his pa7ms pressed into his chee8s. I 7oo8ed bac8 2p at him. .!o. There=s no one here.4 I had to ta8e another deep breathC my heart was sti77 po2nding 9rom the s2rge o9 adrena7ine. .I threw everyone o2t and I 7oc8ed the door. )77 the b7inds are down too * no one can

see in. It=s o8ay: yo2=re sa9e here. I=m: 2m: going to 7eave yo2 a7one now.4 I <2ic87y sh2t the door and ret2rned to the bar to contin2e stoc8ing the coo7ers with bott7ed beer. I needed to ca7m myse79 down. I needed a distraction. ) 9ew min2tes 7ater: the stairwe77 door crea8ed and I saw him g7ance aro2nd the wa77 to see i9 the bar was tr27y empty. This poor man 7oo8ed abso72te7y terri9ied. S7ow7y he wa78ed to the edge o9 the bar. .0o yo2 mind i9 I >2st sit here 9or a whi7e34 Ryan was spea8ing so so9t7y I a7most co27dn=t hear him. .1eah: s2re. @7ease: have a seat:4 I whispered: matching his tone. .Can I get yo2 something to drin83 Soda: or a beerH maybe even a shot or two34 Be was ho7ding his head in his hands: his e7bows rested on the bar. .Can I: 2m: have a beer34 he breathed o2t. Be 7oo8ed sha8en and in no condition to decide what 8ind o9 beer to drin8: so I <2ic87y grabbed a m2g and tapped him a dra9t. Be started to 92mb7e thro2gh his poc8etsC his hands were sti77 tremb7ing. .That=s o8ay. @7ease: don=t worry abo2t it: it=s on the ho2se.4 .)re yo2 s2re34 he as8ed timid7y. .1o2 don=t have to do that. I don=t want yo2 to get in tro2b7e.4 .!o: it=s a77 right. It=s my p2b. I=m the owner:4 I said: shr2gging s7ight7y. Ryan=s eyes narrowed on me. .Than8s. 1o2 don=t 8now how m2ch I appreciate this.4 Be p2shed o2t a big: re7ieving sigh. ) 7itt7e smi7e appeared on his 7ips. .It=s no prob7em. @7ease: >2st sit and re7a;: and don=t worry: I promise I won=t bother yo2:4 I said so9t7y. I he7d 2p my hands brie97y to 7et him 8now that I=d be 8eeping my distance. I grabbed another si;*pac8 o9 beer o2t o9 the cardboard case and opened the coo7er again. -y nervo2sness ca2sed me to a7most drop the pac8: 8noc8ing over more bott7es inside the coo7er in the process. I had to 7ean 9ar in to reach the bott7es that had tipped over and o2t o9 the ho7der: and 9or a moment I a7most 9e77 into the coo7er myse79. I 9e7t so 2neasy by my care7ess 92mb7ing: 8nowing that he m2st have >2st seen my 9eet come 2p o99 the 97oor: that I started to become 972sh. 5ort2nate7y the co7d temperat2re in the coo7er co2nterba7anced the heat rising to my chee8s. Perhaps if I stay in here I wont have to

loo" at him# I2st then I heard a phone ring. I popped my head o2t o9 the coo7er and 9e7t my poc8et 9or my ce77 phone: b2t it wasn=t mine that was ringing. .Bey: -i8e. 1eah: I=m sa9e. I=m at some bar:4 Ryan m2ttered: trying to so2nd 7i8e he was 9ine. The hand that r2bbed his 9orehead was sti77 sha8ing. Be wasn=t 9ine. Be 7oo8ed at me as he he7d his phone away 9rom his 9ace. Be was b7in8ing rapid7y and he 7oo8ed con92sed 9or a moment. .)hh: what=s the name o9 this p7ace34 .-itche77=s @2b.4 I s7id a new nap8in with o2r 9ami7y name on it to him. .) p7ace ca77ed -itche77=s @2b. Listen: I=77 ca77 yo2 when I=m ready. I=m >2st having a beer.4 .-y driver:4 he stated: 7i8e he co27d read the <2estion in my mind. .I s2ppose he thin8s he might get 9ired by the st2dio 9or 7osing trac8 o9 me.4 I had no idea what to say: so I gave him a brie9 smi7e and darted away into the 8itchen. I 9ig2red he wanted to be 7e9t a7one anywayC distracting myse79 by stoc8ing the coo7ers so2nded 7i8e a good idea. I too8 my time to 7oad 2p two cases o9 beer onto the meta7 cart and whee7ed them bac8 into the bar. Be was sti77 sitting there as I 2n7oaded the cases by the bar re9rigerators. I tried not to 7oo8 at him% )es probably so si " of people bugging him% As soon as he finishes that beer, hell all his driver% What would be the point of tal"ing to him# *ust leave him alone. Be stared at me whi7e I emptied the cases o9 beer into the coo7ers. I co27d see o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye that his head t2rned and his eyes 9o77owed me when I too8 the empty bo;es bac8 to the 8itchen. I sti77 co27dn=t ma8e myse79 7oo8 at him. Ryan c7eared his throat when I ret2rned. ./e77: yo2 obvio2s7y 8now who I am. Can I as8 what yo2r name is34 Bis tone was very po7ite and 9riend7y. .Taryn:4 I rep7ied: g7ancing at him 9or a sp7it second thro2gh the c2rtain o9 hair that spi77ed 9rom my sho27der. I p277ed my hair bac8 o2t o9 my way and tried to re9oc2s my eyes on p2tting away the c7ean g7asses that remained on the sin8 co2nter. .It=s nice to meet yo2: Taryn.4 .It=s nice to meet yo2 too.4 -y nervo2sness made my responses so2nd 2nintentiona77y indi99erent. .So: Taryn: do yo2 have a 7ast name34

.-itche7734 I s<2ea8ed. So mu h for appearing asual and un+ruffled! .)h: I see:4 he m2rm2red as he he7d 2p the bar nap8in with -itche77=s @2b insignia on it. .)re yo2 sure yo2 don=t mind i9 I stay 9or a 9ew min2tes3 Then I promise I=77 be o2t o9 yo2r hair.4 .It=s no prob7em: rea77y:4 I whispered: giving him a brie9: 9riend7y smi7e. -y nerves were tang7ed in 8nots so I had to 8eep b2sy. I grabbed a new 7i<2or order 9orm and too8 it to the other end o9 the bar to 9i77 it o2t. I co27d 9ee7 him watching me: even tho2gh I re92sed to 7oo8 2p and con9irm that 9ee7ing. Maybe I shouldnt have worn this top today# ,ould he see down the front when I bent over# I 9i;ed my shirt at the sho27ders: trying to inconspic2o2s7y see i9 I co27d see any c7eavage. Ill have to hange my shirt after he leaves% )is beer is almost finished% I tried not to ma8e eye contact with him: b2t I co27d sti77 te77 that he was staringC his head t2rned and 9o77owed every move I made. I 9e7t a 7itt7e strange as he gaw8ed at me: so I pic8ed 2p the te7evision remote and t2rned the 7arge 97at screen onC maybe he needed something e7se to 7oo8 at. 2t he didn=t seem to notice the te7evision. I a77owed myse79 another <2ic8 7oo8 at him and observed that his brow was p277ed together. Be 7oo8ed con92sedC either that or he was deep in tho2ght. .)re yo2 doing o8ay34 I as8ed: concerned. .1eah: I thin8 so.4 Be nodded and combed his 9ingers bac8 thro2gh his hair. .I was >2st wondering: are yo2 a7ways this ta78ative34 I was trying to appear preocc2pied by 9i77ing the garnish ho7der with drin8 swiDD7e straws. I smi7ed bash9277y at his comment. .I tho2ght yo2=d pre9er to be 7e9t a7one. I=m s2re the si7ence and peace m2st be re9reshing:4 I m2rm2red: ass2ming he=d agree. Be 7a2ghed 7ight7y at my comment. .It is: b2t it=s a7so nice to be ab7e to ta78 to a woman who isn=t screaming at me:4 he said: 7oo8ing a bit more re7a;ed. .1o2=re not going to scream at me: are yo234 .!o:4 I said in my so9test: non*threatening tone. That=s when I noticed the 7aceration on his 9ace. .)re yo2 s2re yo2=re o8ay3 I don=t 8now i9 yo2 rea7iDe it: b2t yo2 have a pretty big scratch on yo2r 9ace.4 !ow that I was ab7e to act2a77y 7oo8 at him more c7ose7y: I saw the

dried strea8 o9 b7ood that ran down his nec8. Ryan r2bbed his eyes and sighed heavi7y. .Unbe7ievab7e:4 he m2rm2red. I opened 2p the 9irst aid 8it I 8ept behind the bar and pic8ed o2t an a7coho7 swab. .Is it that bad34 he as8ed. I nodded gent7y. .There=s some b7ood. It=s not that bad: b2t yo2 sho27d c7ean it >2st in case.4 .I can 9ee7 it:4 Ryan m2ttered as he ran his 9ingers over the raised mar8s. .-y >aw h2rts.4 .0on=t to2ch it:4 I ca2tioned: p277ing the 9irst aid 8it c7oser. I attempted to hand him the swab: b2t he seemed per9ect7y 9ine with 7etting me tend to him. .Um: can yo2 ti7t a 7itt7e bit more34 I as8ed nervo2s7y. -y hand tremb7ed s7ight7y as I wiped the swab across his wo2nd: trying to be as gent7e as possib7e. There were act2a77y two distinct 9ingernai7 mar8s across his >aw: tho2gh the st2bb7e on his 9ace covered most o9 it 2p. I saw his eyes scr2nch togetherC the a7coho7 m2st have st2ng a 7itt7e. .I=m sorry:4 I whispered. .)7most done.4 Ryan was gaDing at my 9ace whi7e I p2t some antibiotic cream over the raised scratches. I noticed his eye co7or was a 7ove7y mi; o9 b72e and green: ma8ing them very stri8ing. It was hard to 7oo8 at anything e7se. .Than8s:4 he said: so9t7y and sincere7y. I wiped the remaining cream o99 my 9inger. .I don=t mean to be intr2sive: b2t may I as8 what happened to yo2 today34 Secret7y I was dying to 8now how he got in this condition. .Um:4 he began: .I had some errands to r2n b2t I g2ess I didn=t get too 9ar.4 ) bro8en smi7e appeared on his 7ips as he scratched his eyebrow with his th2mb. .It=s act2a77y a bit embarrassing.4 .That=s o8ay. I 2nderstand i9 yo2 don=t want to ta78 abo2t it.4 I po7ite7y dismissed my <2estion and c7osed the 7id on the 9irst aid 8it. .)hh:4 he groaned: 8eeping me engaged in conversation. .I went o2t to see i9 I co27d get a present 9or my momC her birthday is in a 9ew wee8s. I had some 9ree time today: so I escaped 9rom the hote7 and went 9or a wa78. I managed to go into one o9 the shops down the street: b2t co27dn=t 9ind anything I wanted to b2y.4 Be too8 a sip o9 beer: pa2sing to co77ect his tho2ghts. Bis eyes 9oc2sed on the bar

instead. ./hen I 7e9t the store: there were a hand927 o9 women waiting 9or pict2res or a2tographs or something. I tried to be po7ite and wa78 away b2tH4 Be 7et o2t a big sigh. .?ne gir7 grabbed me and tried to p277 my shirt o99. Then the chase started.4 Bis 7ips twisted in disg2st. .I too8 o99 r2nning and here I am. I 9ee7 7i8e I >2st got m2gged.4 .It so2nds to me 7i8e yo2 did get m2gged. 0o yo2 want me to ca77 the po7ice34 .!o:4 he said: sha8ing his head in9initesima77y. .They were >2st e;cited 9ans.4 I reached 2p to the top she79 9or my 2nopened bott7e o9 Iohnnie /a78er 72e: thin8ing that we both needed something specia7 to ca7m 2s down. ./o27d yo2 7i8e one34 I as8ed. Bis eyes widened and he nodded enth2siastica77y. .1o2 have good taste:4 he comp7imented. I brie97y smi7ed and p2shed a 9i77ed shot g7ass in his direction. Be tapped his g7ass into mine be9ore tossing it bac8 in his mo2th. .0o yo2 mind i9 I as8 yo2 another <2estion34 I as8ed tentative7y. I sti77 wasn=t s2re i9 he wanted to be ignored. .!o: I don=t mind. @7ease 6 as8.4 Ryan winced and p2c8ered his 7ips 9rom the a9ter b2rn o9 the whis8ey. Bis e;pression was s7ight7y am2sing. ./e77: I=m >2st c2rio2s why yo2=re wa78ing aro2nd witho2t an escort. 0on=t yo2 2s2a77y have bodyg2ards with yo234 .1eah: most o9 the time:4 he shy7y admitted. .I >2st rea77y wanted to go 9or a wa78 by myse79. It=s bea2ti927 o2tside today. I didn=t thin8 I needed sec2rity to do that: b2t I s2ppose I sho27d rethin8 that: h2h34 he said whi7e e;amining the 7arge rip in his T*shirt. .0amn. This was one o9 my 9avorites.4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t nod in agreement with his statementC a shot o9 whis8ey was b2rning my throat now. I re9i77ed o2r shot g7assesC it wo27d ta8e more than one to ca7m me down. ./o27d yo2 e;c2se me 9or a moment34 I as8ed po7ite7y. .I=77 be right bac8.4 I ran 2pstairs to get him a new T*shirt. There was a h2ge ho7e in his shirt and I 9e7t terrib7e 9or him. ?n my way thro2gh my apartment: I stopped to chec8 my appearance in the mirror. (reat, my nipples are standing at attention% A2ess I was in the coo7er too 7ong3 I tried

to p2sh them bac8 in as I pic8ed the c7ean T*shirt o2t o9 the 7a2ndry bas8et. It was sti77 warm 9rom when I too8 it o2t o9 the dryer this morning. .Bere. @7easeH ta8e this.4 I handed him my 9avorite oversiDed T*shirt. It was dar8 b72e and so9t 9rom many washes. .1o2r T*shirt is rea77y torn. 1o2 can=t wa78 aro2nd 7oo8ing 7i8e that. The bathroom is over there i9 yo2 wo27d 7i8e to change.4 .Than8sE Than8s a 7otE4 Ryan 2n9o7ded the shirt and 7oo8ed at it: appearing very p2DD7ed. ./ait: this shirt can=t be yo2rs. It=s way too big. Is this yo2rH4 I shoo8 my head. .!o: it=s mine 6 we77 it 2sed to be my 9ather=s b2t now it=s a very com9ortab7e s7eep shirt.4 -y admission made me shr2g. .I >2st washed it. I=m sorry: it=s a77 I have. 1o2 don=t have toH I >2st tho2ght...4 Be smi7ed at me and p277ed the shirt o2t o9 my reach. Be wadded it 2p in his hand and departed 9or the restrooms. The way he 7oo8ed at me made me <2estion i9 he ever gets treated with 8indness by strangers. -y gest2re seemed to ta8e him by s2rprise. /hen he ret2rned: he he7d his hands o2t 9rom his sides. Bis post2re as8ed the 2nspo8en <2estion 9or me to give my opinion. /hen I wore that shirt it 9it me 7i8e a dress: b2t on his body the so9t cotton covered his physi<2e 7i8e second s8in. I noticed the conto2rs o9 his de9ined chest thro2gh the thin 9abric and how the s7eeves accent2ated his m2sc27ar biceps. I nodded and smir8ed. Be 7oo8ed gorgeo2s in my T*shirt. .I thin8 it 9its yo2 better:4 I m2rm2red: noticing that the co7or made his b72e eyes even more a772ring. .It=s rea77y so9t: and it sme77s rea77y good too.4 Be had the co77ar p277ed 2p to his nose. .Than8 yo2.4 .1o2=re we7come.4 I smi7ed warm7y. I was p7eased that he no 7onger 7oo8ed 7i8e a victim. .So yo2 7ive 2pstairs34 I noddedC my eyes instinctive7y 97ashed 2p to the cei7ing. I sti77 co27dn=t 7oo8 direct7y in his eyes. .-y apartment is the entire second 97oor.4 .Roommates34 he as8ed: a7most e;pecting me to say yes. .!o: I 7ive a7one:4 I in9ormed <2ic87y. .Cats34 he <2estioned.

I 7a2ghed 7ight7y at his insin2ation. .!o. I=m a77ergic to them.4 Ryan grinned and p2shed his empty g7ass 9orward on the bar. .-e too:4 he m2mb7ed. /e tapped o2r shot g7asses together and downed o2r second shot o9 whis8ey. ./o27d yo2 7i8e another beer34 I didn=t want to ass2me. Be nodded and smi7ed. .1es: p7ease. I9 yo2 don=t mind.4 /hi7e I was re9i77ing his g7ass the 8eg 8ic8ed: sending a pop o9 9oam a77 over my 9ace: shirt: and hair. -h great, perfe t timing% I s2ppose by the way he 7a2ghed at me that he tho2ght it was am2sing. .1o2 have my 8ind o9 72c8:4 he admitted. .Ugh:4 I groaned: wiping myse79 o99 with a bar rag. Ryan had a h2ge grin on his 9ace. )s m2ch as I was embarrassed: his smi7e was <2ite contagio2s. I reached down to p277 the empty 8eg 9rom the coo7er and gasped s7ight7y when I noticed he had come aro2nd the bac8 o9 the bar. Be was standing there staring at me again. .Bere: 7et me he7p yo2. It=s the 7east I can do.4 Be gent7y wiped some beer 9roth 9rom my hair then moved me o2t o9 the way to grab the empty 8eg. I 9e7t 972sh 6 7i8e my heart s8ipped a beat. I noticed that when he was right ne;t to me he sni99ed meC he even 7eaned in to get a better whi99. .Is that yo2 that sme77s 7i8eH peaches34 I 7oo8ed at him o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye as I re97e;ive7y 7eaned away. I sme77ed my shirt to get a better 2nderstanding o9 what he was re9erring to. .I g2ess so:4 I answered. Ryan 7eaned over c7oser and sme77ed me again. I instinctive7y 7eaned 9arther away: a7most tipping o99*ba7ance. Bis nostri7s opened wider and a s7ight grin appeared on his 7ips. .@each scented per92me34 he as8ed. .!o. I2st soap and body 7otion.4 Why is this guy sniffing me# .0o I sme77 bad34 .!o. K2ite the opposite.4 Be smi7ed and inha7ed deep7y thro2gh his nose: 7i8e he was sensing the most p7easing o9 a77 scents. Be m2ttered something abo2t being a 9irst 2nder his breath. I didn=t 2nderstand. .So: yo2 rea77y own this p7ace34 Ryan as8ed: carrying the empty 8eg to the bac8

room 9or me. .1o2 so2nd s2rprised.4 ./e77: I=m not the best >2dge o9 a woman=s age: b2t aren=t yo2 sort o9 yo2ng 6 I mean: yo2 7oo8 abo2t as o7d as I am and yo2 own yo2r own b2siness.4 Bis observation didn=t bother me. I was 2sed to having peop7e ma8e ass2mptions as to how I was ab7e to a99ord a p2b whi7e on7y being twenty*seven. ./e77: my grand9ather was the origina7 -itche77. Then when he passed away my dad too8 it over:4 I in9ormed him. .-y 9ather died a 7itt7e over a year ago: itLs been mine ever since.4 .?h: I=m sorry 6 abo2t yo2r 9ather:4 he corrected. .)nd yo2r mom3 Is sheH34 .!o:4 I m2rm2red. .She died 9o2r years ago 6 right a9ter I t2rned twenty*three.4 ./ow. I=m sorry to hear that. So do yo2 have any brothers or sisters34 I >2st shoo8 my head. .!o.4 I shr2gged: trying to so2nd content and cheer927. .I2st me.4 I hated the reminder that I was a7one in this wor7d. I whee7ed aro2nd the cart to 7oad 2p a new 8eg o9 beer as the sadness washed over me. .Bere: 7et me do that.4 Ryan p7aced his hand in the sma77 o9 my bac8 and gent7y moved me o2t o9 the way so he co27d ta8e over 7oading the 8eg on the cart. I >2mped ever so s7ight7y when his 9ingers made contact with my bodyC I was s2rprised that he to2ched me. /e were so c7ose that I co27d sme77 the scent emanating 9rom his bodyC he had a s7ight7y spicy b2t 7ight and man7y aroma. Be sme77ed wonder927. I breathed in another whi99 o9 him whi7e I co27d: on7y I wasn=t so obvio2s abo2t it. Ryan gave the 8eg a good shove to get it into the coo7er 2nder the taps. /hy did I notice the m2sc7es in his arms 97e;3 I had to sha8e the tho2ght 9rom my head. .Than8 yo2.4 I smi7ed. .S2reE !o prob7em:4 he said happi7y. .This bar is bea2ti927.4 Be r2bbed his hands across the mahogany rai7 as he ret2rned to his seat. .1o2 don=t see cra9tsmanship 7i8e this anymore. The scro77ing and detai7 is magni9icent.4 .-y grand9ather b2i7t it.4 I beamed. .(very time I 7oo8 at it: it ma8es me smi7e. Be p2t so m2ch o9 himse79 into this p7ace. )77 this woodwor8 yo2 see was done by his hands.

The booths: the wainscoting: he b2i7t it a77.4 Ryan stood 2p and wa78ed toward the enormo2s wooden pi77ar that spanned 9rom 97oor to cei7ing. .1o2r grand9ather was a ta7ented man.4 Bis 9ingers were b2sy tracing the intricate patterns carved in the dar8 oa8 post. .I rea77y 7i8e the e;posed red bric8 too. This p7ace reminds me o9 a p2b I was in once when I 9i7med in Ire7and. Bas that a2thentic 9ee7 to it: yo2 8now34 .Than8sE4 I rep7ied. Bis comp7iment seemed very gen2ine and made me smi7e. .I a7ways tho2ght this p7ace had that o7d*wor7d charm too.4 Bis gaDe ro77ed over to the 9ar end o9 the p2b. .That=s a pretty big stage. 1o2 have bands p7ay here34 .1eah: >2st abo2t every 5riday and Sat2rday night. I=ve been thin8ing abo2t doing open*mic nights d2ring the wee8 too.4 Ryan was distracted. .1amaha:4 he said in an am2sing voice: dri9ting his 9ingers down the 8eys. .1o2r piano34 .1es.4 I nodded. 5or some 2n8nown reason I 9o77owed him over to the stage. .That=s my baby grand. It was a birthday gi9t 9rom my grand9ather.4 .Coo7. Loo8s 7i8e yo2 have a pretty impressive so2nd system. Lighting and everything.4 Bis hand pointed and waved in the air. Ryan=s eyes 97ic8ered over to the opposite wa77 and he stro77ed away to investigate another part o9 the p2b. Something e7se had capt2red his attention. ./hat do yo2 say to a game o9 poo734 he as8ed: raising an eyebrow at me as he stood in the bric8 archway that 7ed into the poo7room. .1o2 want to shoot poo7 6 with me34 I act2a77y 7oo8ed over my sho27der to see i9 he was ta78ing to someone e7se: even tho2gh I 8new 9277 we77 there was no one e7se here. .S2reE That is i9 yo2=re 2p to it. I haven=t been ab7e to p7ay in a 7ong time.4 Bis voice trai7ed: a hint o9 sadness etched his words. I shoo8 my head: wondering why he wo27d want to spend any more time here than he had to. Maybe he is !ust being polite# .I don=t 8now:4 I whispered. .Come on: p7ease3 I2st one game. I=77 even 7et yo2 win.4

./hy: don=t yo2 thin8 I can beat yo2 on my own34 .oes he thin" all girls su " at shooting pool or is he !ust teasing me# ./e77: I don=t 8now. )re yo2 rea77y good3 1o2=77 probab7y 8ic8 my b2tt:4 he conceded. . 2t I thin8 I=77 ta8e my chances. Come on: one game. I >2st need to get my mind on something e7se.4 .?8ay: one game.4 I nodded and proceeded to pic8 o2t a poo7 stic8. Be was rather irresistib7e when he p7eaded 7i8e that. .I=77 rac8: yo2 can brea8:4 Ryan said: p7acing the bi77iard ba77s in the wooden triang7e. I 7eaned over the tab7e in my brea8ing stance and crac8ed the stic8 into the c2e ba77: poc8eting a striped ba77. .B2h: I thin8 I=m in tro2b7eE4 Be ch2c87ed. I made the ne;t shot: b2t missed the third. It was his t2rn. .So yo2=re a 7e9ty34 he as8ed whi7e he cha78ed the tip o9 his poo7 stic8. .!o: not rea77y. I=m ambide;tro2s:4 I shy7y admitted. .)mbide;tro2s34 Be smi7ed. .Fery interesting.4 Bis reaction made me 9ee7 7i8e I had to e;p7ain. .I=m most7y right*handed: b2t I shoot poo7 and I throw with my 7e9t.4 .I tried to write with my 7e9t hand once when I had my right arm in a s7ing: b2t it was nothing b2t scribb7e. Can yo2 write with yo2r 7e9t hand34 Be motioned as i9 he was writing on paper. .1eah: b2t it 9ee7s aw8ward and I can on7y print. I thin8 I wo27d have been a 7e9ty: b2t I remember the teachers in grade schoo7 9orcing me to 2se my right hand instead. I was a7ways s7ight7y con92sed with which scissors to 2se.4 Be smi7ed at me again. )9ter a77 these years: he was the 9irst g2y who ever noticed that abo2t me. .Sometimes I wish I co27d write with both o9 my hands. It wo27d probab7y ma8e a2tograph signing more to7erab7e.4 Be smir8ed. Ryan tried to ma8e a ban8 shot: b2t missed. Bis beer g7ass was a7most empty so I <2ic87y wa78ed over to the bar and tapped a pitcher o9 beer and got a g7ass 9or myse79. I a7ways shot poo7 better when I was re7a;ed: and I was anything b2t re7a;ed at this moment.

.-ay I as8 what yo2 did to get yo2r arm in a s7ing34 I g7anced 2p at him whi7e 7ining 2p 9or my ne;t shot. Be smi7ed innocent7y and 7a2ghed. .It=s a 92nny story: act2a77y.4 .I 7i8e 92nny stories.4 I shr2gged a bit. .)hh: when I was aro2nd nine years o7d * my brother !ic8 was e7even: we had this bright idea to ma8e a go*cart. /e s2per*g72ed one o9 my mom=s 7a2ndry bas8ets to a s8ateboard and aH4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t ma8e a si77y 9ace at him. ./ait: it gets better:4 he said with a 7a2gh. .)t 9irst we >2st tied the bas8et to the bac8 o9 my brother=s bicyc7e and I: o9 co2rse: got to ride in the bac8. 2t we co27dn=t get 2p eno2gh speed. So we ro77ed the bas8et to the top o9 12 Street hi77. I c7imbed in and !ic8 gave me a shove. 0id yo2 8now that yo2 can=t steer a 7a2ndry bas8et on a s8ateboard34 I co27d pict2re him as a 8id careening down a hi77 in a 7a2ndry bas8et. I started to 7a2gh. .That=s how I got this scar right here.4 Ryan twisted his right arm to show me the mar8 on his e7bow. .Twenty stitches.4 Be grinned pro2d7y. I shoo8 my head and smi7ed: imagining him being an advent2ro2s 7itt7e daredevi7 when he was yo2ng. .Bey: it so2nded 7i8e a good idea at the timeE4 I noticed another scar across his right 9orearm. .Bow did yo2 get that one34 I pointed to the mar8 in <2estion. .)hh: 9ishing accident.4 Be 7a2ghed. .!ic8 again. Ca2ght me with a hoo8 once whi7e we were 9ishing with o2r dad. I ye77ed: he yan8ed: and I got more stitches. To this day I stay 9ar away 9rom him when we=re 9ishing. /hat abo2t yo234 he as8ed. .Aot any good scar stories34 .I have to thin8 abo2t that one 9or a min2te. /ait: I have one * on my right 8nee.4 ./e77 yo2 8now yo2 have to show it to me now:4 he teased. I hesitant7y p277ed 2p the 7eg o9 my >eans to revea7 the dime*siDed circ27ar scar on my 8neecap. I was re7ieved that I had shaved my 7egs this morning. .I don=t remember i9 I was si; or seven: b2t I got this the day my dad too8 the

training whee7s o99 my bi8e:4 I admitted. .I thin8 there=s a cinder or two sti77 st2c8 in there.4 -y 9inger p2shed on the spot. .BaE It=s a good story: b2t that=s not a very good scar. It=s bare7y noticeab7e:4 he added a9ter r2bbing his 9inger over my 9aint mar8. .Sorry: it=s a77 I have. I 2s2a77y go right 9or brea8ing bones instead o9 getting simp7e scars.4 .Bow many34 he as8ed whi7e ta8ing his ne;t shot on the tab7e. ./hat3 ro8en bones3 Two * 7e9t wrist and right an87e.4 .)nd are there good stories that go a7ong with the bro8en bones34 he as8ed: so2nding hope927. .Right an87e isn=t that e;citing. I s7ipped and 9e77 on some icy steps at co77ege.4 I too8 a sip 9rom my beer g7ass. .Le9t wrist: however: has a better p2nch 7ine. Let=s >2st say that=s the day I 7earned that te<2i7a and ro77erb7ading sho27d never be 2sed in the same sentence.4 Ryan started 7a2ghing. .That=s something I wo27d have 7i8ed to seeE4 ./hat abo2t yo23 0id yo2 ever brea8 any bones34 Be 7oo8ed at me and nodded. .K2ite a 9ew act2a77y. -ost7y 9ingers and toes: b2t I had my 7e9t arm bro8en once in high schoo7. I was p7aying baseba77 and got ta8en o2t by the third baseman.4 /hi7e he was te77ing me his story: I missed my shotC it was his t2rn. .Than8sE Than8s a 7otE4 he <2ipped. .1o2=re 8i77ing me hereE 0o yo2 thin8 yo2 co27d have at 7east 7e9t me a shot34 I co27d te77 he was >2st teasing me. Be wa78ed aro2nd the tab7e 7oo8ing 9or an ang7e as I had t2c8ed the c2e ba77 behind the eightba77. I noticed that I was ab7e to 7oo8 at him now 9or more than two seconds at a time. I watched as the 9ingers o9 his 7e9t hand 9ormed into a bridge whi7e he was 7ining 2p to ta8e his ne;t shot. Be had rea77y 7ong 9ingers. The m2sc7es on his 9orearm 97e;ed when he stro8ed the poo7 stic8 in his hand. 5rom my c2rrent ang7e: I too8 in the visions o9 his 7ong 7egs and how the bac8 poc8ets o9 his >eans c2rved on his shape. )nd when he 7eaned over the tab7e: my b72e T*shirt separated 9rom his body: e;posing some tight 97esh on his stomach. I co27d see what the big

draw was 9or his 9ansH and it wasn=t his poo7*p7aying s8i77s. .(ightba77 in the corner poc8et:4 I stated as I drew my stic8 bac8 to ma8e the shot that he had missed. /ith one precise movement: I tapped the c2e ba77 and poc8eted the eight. .Aood >obE4 Ryan he7d his hand 2p and gave me a gent7e high*9ive hand s7ap. I started to p2t my poo7 stic8 bac8 on the wa77 when he interr2pted me. .?h: noE 1o2 have to p7ay me againE4 Be handed the poo7 stic8 bac8 to me. .I=m >2st warming 2p.4 .?8ay: one more:4 I agreed. .1o2 can brea8 this time.4 /hen it was my t2rn again: I noticed that he stood right behind the poc8et that I was aiming 9or. I was 7ining 2p 9or my shot b2t it was di99ic27t as he was shi9ting his weight bac8 and 9orth 9rom 9oot to 9oot. .Um: can yo2 move34 I as8ed: motioning with my hand. ./hat3 )m I bothering yo234 Be snic8ered. .!o. /e77 yeah: it=s 8ind o9 annoying act2a77y.4 I 7ined bac8 2p 9or my shot: concentrating on the game. Be moved a 9ew 9eet away and then started twir7ing his poo7 stic8 bac8 and 9orth. Bis movements were s2ch a distraction that I missed an easy shot. .?h: good try:4 he comp7imented: a7tho2gh I co27d te77 by his tone that he rea77y wanted me to miss it. Ryan was trying to ma8e a 7ong shot: so I moved to stand behind the poc8et he was aiming 9or. I got into a com9ortab7e stance: cas2a77y t2gging my >eans down a bit 92rther on my hips: and s7ipped my 9ingers 2nder my shirt to so9t7y scratch my stomach. Bis eyes togg7ed between trying to p7ay poo7 and watching me scratch my 9a8e itch. Be 7et o2t a big breath and missed his shot. .?h: good try:4 I patroniDing7y comp7imented. .I seeE4 Be 7a2ghed. .1o2 don=t p7ay 9air eitherE4 I grinned and shr2gged s7ight7yC we both were b2sted trying to distract each other. Be wrin87ed his nose at me and made a 92nny 9ace. It was act2a77y <2ite adorab7e. /hen I 7eaned down to ma8e my ne;t shot he stood direct7y behind the poc8et again. This time he 7i9ted the 9ront o9 his T*shirt eno2gh to 9a8e a stomach scratch. I co27d see the hair on his stomach: which was visib7e above the top b2tton o9 his >eans. ?ne na2ghty 7itt7e tho2ght ran thro2gh my head: b2t despite that I made the shot anyway.

.!ice try. 2t the twir7ing o9 the poo7 stic8 was more o9 a distraction than that wasE4 I had to wa78 past him: and when I did he st2c8 the bottom o9 his poo7 stic8 between my 9eet: ca2sing me to trip. Be ca2ght me with his 9ree arm to 8eep me 9rom 9a77ing. .)ssE4 I snic8ered. .Sorry: I can=t he7p it i9 yo2=re 9a77ing 9or me:4 he said con9ident7y. .@99: hard7y:4 I m2ttered. I 7eaned my poo7 stic8 2p on the wa77. .Come on. I=m sorry. I didn=t mean it. 0on=t wa78 away:4 he p7eaded. .I=m >2st going to the 7adies room:4 I stated over my sho27der. Ryan trotted 2p behind me. ./hat: are yo2 9o77owing me now34 I 8idded. .Bard7y.4 Be smi7ed a coc8y grin at me and gave me an innocent 7itt7e shove towards the 7adies room door. ) 9ew moments 7ater: we res2med game two and it was his t2rn to shoot. .So Taryn: te77 me. )re yo2 a 9an o9 Seaside, too34 he as8ed: monitoring my reaction. .!o. I haven=t seen it:4 I said ca7m7y. It was the tr2th. I too8 a sip o9 my beer and contemp7ated re9i77ing my g7ass. .1o2 haven=t seen the movie3 5or rea734 Be was 9roDen in his spot: gaping at me 7i8e I had two heads growing o2t o9 my sho27ders. .!o: I haven=t.4 I shoo8 my head. I g2ess he was amaDed at that reve7ationC his open mo2th t2rned 2p into a smi7e. .1eah rightE4 he snorted and too8 a sip o9 his drin8. ./hat: do yo2 thin8 I=m 7ying to yo234 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 7oo8 him direct7y in the eyes. ./hat abo2t the Seaside boo8s3 0id yo2 read any o9 them34 .!o: I haven=t. (veryone I 8now has tho2gh. I s2ppose that=s why yo2=re so pop27ar these days34 I shr2gged and 9inished my beer. Be twitched his 7ips into a smir8. .1eahH I thin8 yo2=re 7ying to me.4 Be scratched his 9orehead again. Bis acc2sation irritated meC I didn=t 7i8e being ca77ed a 7iar b2t I remained amicab7e nonethe7ess. I got 2p 9rom my seat and wa78ed over to where he stood by the poo7 tab7e. I

stopped two 9eet in 9ront o9 him and 7oo8ed him direct7y in the eyes: ma8ing s2re to ho7d his gaDe be9ore I spo8e. .I honestly have not seen yo2r movie nor have I read the boo8s. 1o2 can see in my eyes that I=m not 7ying. I don=t 8now what e7se to say to ma8e yo2 be7ieve me.4 Ryan stood per9ect7y sti77: 7oo8ing d2mb9o2nded. )9ter a 9ew seconds I bro8e o2r eye contact and wa78ed over to the tab7e where I had set the pitcher o9 beer. I 9i77ed my g7ass and 7oo8ed to see where his g7ass was. Might as well give him a refill, too% I stepped towards him to top o99 his drin8. ./hat34 I as8ed care9277y. Be 7oo8ed 7i8e he was in a trance. .0id IH say something wrong3 I=m: I=m sorry I haven=t seen yo2r movie. I hope that didn=t o99end yo2.4 .!oE That=sHper9ect7y o8ay:4 he said: a hint o9 a smi7e to2ched his 9ace. I watched as he >2st abo2t swa77owed his entire g7ass o9 beer. .So besides 8ic8ing b2tt on the poo7 tab7e: what e7se do yo2 7i8e to do34 he as8ed a9ter I o99icia77y won o2r second game. .Lots o9 things:4 I <2ic87y rep7ied. I didn=t 8now what to te77 him. I was too b2sy wondering why he was sti77 here hanging o2t with me. S2re7y he had more important things to do. .Li8e34 he prodded. ./e77: I 7i8e anything that invo7ves waterHswimming: boating: things 7i8e that. 02ring the s2mmer: some o9 the 7oca7 b2sinesses here in Seaport have a so9tba77 7eag2e. Sometimes we p7ay vo77eyba77 down at the beach. 2t: 2n9ort2nate7y since I too8 over r2nning the p2b: I don=t have as m2ch 9ree time as I 2sed to.4 I shr2gged. .I wor8 a 7ot.4 /hi7e I was b2sy ta78ing: Ryan set 2p the tab7e 9or game n2mber three. I noticed that his demeanor changed s7ight7y. Be was more at ease... re7a;edH ca7m. It was 7i8e a b7an8et o9 tension was removed 9rom his sho27ders. I was getting set to brea8 at the tab7e when he interr2pted me. .K2ic8: witho2t thin8ing: what=s yo2r 9avorite movie o9 a77 time34 I stood 2p a 7itt7e too 9ast. The motion a7ong with severa7 g7asses o9 beer and shots o9 whis8ey a99ected my e<2i7ibri2m. .Um: 2m:4 I stammered whi7e trying to 9ig2re o2t what my 9avorite movie o9 a77 time was. .I don=t 8now i9 I have one partic27ar 9avorite. I have a 9ew b2t it=s hard to pic8.4

.?8ay: we77H what made the 7ist34 I s2c8ed in a sharp breath between my teeth. .-onty @ython and the Bo7y Arai7: Aa7a;y K2est: anything 9rom @i;arH4 I ramb7ed. .I see. 1o2 7i8e o2t7andish h2mor.4 Be ch2c87ed. Be ratt7ed o99 a b2nch o9 92nny 7ines 9rom the -onty @ython movie. It was obvio2s that he had seen the movie as many times as I did. .!ow go away or I sha77 ta2nt yo2 a second timeE4 we said in 2nison: both o9 2s adding the 5rench in97ection to the movie 7ine. It made me 7a2gh o2t 7o2d. It was my t2rn to shoot again: and >2st as I was ready to ma8e my shot: Ryan ye77ed another 92nny 7ine 9rom the movie. I co27dn=t stop 7a2ghing. .Stop itE4 I p7eaded: wiping my eyes. I tried to ma8e my shot again when Ryan came 2p right ne;t to me and said a 7ine 9rom a 92nny scene in Aa7a;y K2est. .Is there air3 1o2 don=t 8now.4 Be sni99ed the air. .Seems o8ay.4 I was 7a2ghing so hard I co27dn=t breathe. .StopE4 I gasped. I reached to give him a teasing n2dge with my 9ingers. Ryan ca2ght me by the wrist and gent7y p277ed me in: 9o7ding my arm with his: 2nti7 my hand was pressed against his sho27der. .?8ay: o8: o8:4 he said: crac8ing 2p 7a2ghing again. I co27d 9ee7 the warmth o9 his chest on my 9ingertips. (ven tho2gh we were bent into each other: 7a2ghing hysterica77y: my mind started ree7ing >2st 9rom this innocent to2ch. I co27d not a77ow myse79 to have those tho2ghts abo2t him so I <2ic87y p277ed my hand away. Be contin2ed ma8ing 92nny voices and <2oting my 9avorite movies. I was 7a2ghing so hard that I 7ost the third game. I co27dn=t 9oc2s with the tears o9 7a2ghter in my eyes. .1o2 cheatE4 I sco7ded him. ./ho: me34 .1eah yo2: -r. InnocentE4 I was getting ready to ta8e my ne;t shot when he stood behind me. I 7oo8ed over my sho27derC he made me nervo2s standing bac8 there. ./hat34 he as8ed with a grin: 7i8e he wasnt 2p to no*good. I 7oo8ed bac8 at the tab7e and tried to hit the ba77 when he grabbed the end o9 my poo7

stic8. .1o2 s2c8E4 I teased him a9ter bare7y hitting the c2e ba77. .!o: yo2 s2c8. 1o2 missed the shot:4 he 9ired bac8 at me. I tried to crac8 him with the end o9 my poo7 stic8 b2t he <2ic87y sprinted away: 7a2ghing. Ryan 7eaned down to ta8e his shotC he was >2st abo2t to hit the c2e ba77 when I 9a8ed a 7o2d co2gh. .B2h: 2m: yo2 s2c8.4 Be miss*c2ed and didn=t even hit another ba77. The c2e ba77 s7ow7y ro77ed into the c2shion. That=s when he chased me aro2nd the tab7e. .That=s it 6 yo2 as8ed 9or itE Bey: where are yo2 going3 Li8e yo2 co27d get away 9rom meE4 I made two 7aps aro2nd the tab7e: 7a2ghing and smi7ing a77 the way. (ight games o9 poo7 and a pitcher o9 beer 7ater: we were tied 6 9o2r games a piece. /e were having a rea77y: rea77y good time. The who7e time we p7ayed: his charm never 9a7tered. (ven tho2gh we teased each other: he sti77 comp7imented me when I made good shots: he enco2raged me with 8ind words when I had a di99ic27t shot to ma8e: and he smi7ed at me incessant7y. /e carried on >2st 7i8e two 7ong*time 9riends. Be made me 7a2gh a 7ot. eing aro2nd him was s2rprising7y easy. That who7e ce7ebrity persona s7ipped away and he was >2st * Ryan * a gen2ine7y nice g2y. .)77 right: this one=s the tie*brea8er. /inner gets a77 the bragging rights:4 he said: p7ay9277y tapping me on my rear with the end o9 his poo7 stic8. Bis 9ace too8 a serio2s e;pression as he 7ined 2p 9or his ne;t shot. .Can I as8 yo2 a <2estion: Taryn34 .1eah s2re: what34 I was c2rio2s abo2t what he wanted to 8now. ./e77 I was sort o9 wondering i9 yo2=re married or seeing someone. I don=t 8now i9 I co27d hand7e having a >ea7o2s g2y attac8 me today: too:4 he admitted. .Um: no. I=ve never been married. )nd: yo2 don=t have to worry * there=s no >ea7o2s boy9riend either:4 I answered <2ic87y: trying to be 7ight*hearted and reass2ring abo2t it. )9ter the words 97ew o2t o9 my mo2th I wished I co27d have rephrased them. I stared

down at the gro2nd with embarrassment. This is why I shouldnt drin" beer / you get too honest with people, you idiot% )e probably thin"s youre some bas"et ase that no man wants% 2t I rationa7iDed that he had a7ready been accosted once todayC I=m s2re a bar 9ight wo27d be the 7ast thing he needed to dea7 with. .1o2=re not dating anyone34 Be so2nded sort o9 shoc8ed. Loo8ing him in the eyes was 7i8e ta8ing a shot o9 tr2th ser2m. .!o: no one:4 I answered honest7y. -y mind 97ashed bac8 to the 7ast man I dated. Bow Thomas MGThe )ssho7e= as he was re9erred to nowN as8ed me to marry him: how he promised to 7ove me 9orever: and how I gave the ring bac8 a9ter I 9o2nd o2t that he had an insatiab7e appetite 9or random se; with strangers. Be was the 7ast entry on a short 7ist o9 g2ys who smashed my heart into pieces. .Bmm: that=s good to 8now.4 Ryan nodded whi7e 7eaning over to ta8e his ne;t shot on the poo7 tab7e. .So why is that34 .I s2ppose the right man hasn=t wa78ed thro2gh my door yet:4 I answered cas2a77y: trying to redeem myse79. In rea7ity: men wa78ed in and o2t o9 my door every day: b2t I=d been n2mb 9or so 7ong I didn=t even care to notice them. -y need 9or se79*preservation was stronger. Bis eyes 7oc8ed on mine as he p2rpose7y missed the 7ast shot o9 the game. .A2ess I get a77 the bragging rights then:4 I whispered a9ter I s2n8 the 7ast ba77 on the tab7e. Be congrat27ated me with another so9t high*9ive. I noticed him g7ance at his watch as he 9inished his drin8. I ass2med he was thin8ing abo2t 7eaving so I pee8ed behind the window b7ind s7ight7y to see i9 there were sti77 peop7e 7oitering on the sidewa78. .Is the coast c7ear34 he as8ed: even tho2gh he 8new my answer. .!o. There=s sti77 a crowd o2t there. I see g2ys with cameras and a 7ot o9 women.4 .This is ridic27o2s:4 he sighed and r2bbed his eyes with his 9ingers. ./hat=s worse: the paparaDDi or the T*shirt ripping psychos34 .They=re abo2t even:4 Ryan m2ttered. .-ost o9 the 9ans are great: b2t some o9 them go to scary e;tremes 6 7i8e today. )nd the paparaDDi: we77: they=re re7ent7ess.4 Bis voice so2nded so de9eated.

.1o2 rea77y have no 9reedom or privacy: do yo234 I said matter*o9*9act7y as I g7anced bac8 at him. .!o:4 he whispered. .!ot anymore.4 Be 7oo8ed comp7ete7y 9or7orn. I 9e7t so bad 9or him. Bow someone co27d have everything and at the same time: have nothing at a77. I had to 9ight bac8 the 2rge to go over to him and wrap him in a big h2g. I didn=t 8now what e7se to say: besides: .I=m sorry.4 Be gave me a brie9 smi7e: b2t the ang2ish on his 9ace was so p7ain to see. .They aren=t going to 7eave 2nti7 they=re s2re yo2=re not in here: are they34 I didn=t want to say this o2t 7o2d b2t it was a <2estion that had to be as8ed. .!o.4 Bis eyes shot 2p to 7oc8 on mine. ./e77: yo2 can=t >2st wa78 o2t into thatE !o wayE4 I envisioned him 7eaving thro2gh the 9ront door and getting attac8ed again by the throng o9 screaming women. ./hat choice do I have34 he sighed. .(ven i9 I manage to get to the street...4 his voice trai7ed in de9eat. -y mind was p7otting 6 how to gain him sa9e passage o2t o9 here. The tho2ght o9 him getting accosted by that horde o2t there pissed me o99. .Let me go chec8 the bac8 door: see i9 the way is c7ear. Stay here: o8ay34 Ryan didn=t rep7yC the g7eam o9 hope in his eyes was con9irmation eno2gh that he was wi77ing to accept my he7p. I pee8ed o2t the bac8 doorC the a77ey was empty. /here the hec8 wo27d he go 9rom here tho2gh3 -y eyes searched the a77ey to be s2re that there was no danger and then I had a bri77iant idea. .Can someone pic8 yo2 2p34 I as8ed. .1eah.4 Be nodded ass2red7y. I reached 9or my ce77 phone. .-aggie3 Bi: it=s Taryn. I need to as8 yo2 a 9avor. /e77: yo2 see: I have a very specia7 g2est inside my p2b and he is in need o9 a sa9e e;it. I mean: he=s very we77*8nown and: 2m: there are cameras and craDy women o2tside my bar. 1es: he=s one o9 the boys 9rom the movie.4 -y eyes shot 2p to him and I gave him my best croo8ed sorry*smi7e. .Can I send him thro2gh yo2r shopH thro2gh yo2r bac8 door3 !o: he >2st needs to get to the street * sa9e7y.

?8ay: than8s -aggie. 1o2=re the bestE .Te77 yo2r driver to par8 direct7y in 9ront o9 -aggie=s a8ery on $ Street: between (7m and -27berry Streets: and to ca77 yo2 when he is in position.4 /hy did I a77 o9 a s2dden 9ee7 7i8e I was masterminding some great caper in a rea77y bad thri77er3 .1o2=77 be sa9e. -aggie is a nice: o7der 7ady. She won=t even 8now who yo2 are. She=77 7eave yo2 a7one.4 I 7oo8ed 2p to see him beaming at me 6 7i8e I was a 7i9esaver. .The things we ta8e 9or granted:4 he m2ttered. .Bmm3 /hat do yo2 mean34 I wished he wo27d e;p7ain. .!othing:4 he whispered: sha8ing his head as a twinge o9 a smi7e to2ched his 7ips. Be p277ed his phone 9rom his poc8et to ca77 his driver. Ten min2tes 7ater he said his goodbyes. .Than8 yo2: Taryn: 9or everything. I=m very sorry 9or p2tting yo2 thro2gh this today.4 .It=s o8ay: Ryan. 1o2 don=t need to apo7ogiDe. It was nice to meet yo2.4 .It was very nice to meet yo2: too. B2h: I can=t remember the 7ast time I 9e7t this re7a;ed. It was nice 9ee7ing norma7 9or once: even i9 it was on7y 9or a co2p7e o9 ho2rs. I had a really great timeE4 .I=m g7ad to hear that. I had a rea77y great time too.4 .Taryn: I hope I can tr2st yo2 to 8eep o2r time together >2st between 2s 6 o2r secret.4 Bis eyes were p7eading: and I 8new that no one co27d ever be to7d abo2t o2r enco2nter. .0on=t worry Ryan:4 I ass2red him. I p2rpose7y 7oo8ed him direct7y in the eyes so he=d 8now I was te77ing the tr2th. .@7ease 8now that yo2 can tr2st me. It=s as m2ch my secret as it is yo2rs. I swear I wi77 never say a word abo2t it to anyone. !ever * I promise.4 Be he7d his hand o2t to sha8e mine: so I re97e;ive7y responded. I was a77 prepared 9or a 9riend7y handsha8e: b2t instead he twisted my hand in his and ever so gent7y he 8issed the bac8 o9 my hand. .See yo2:4 he said so9t7y: sti77 ho7ding my 9ingers in his hand. I 9e7t my heart s8ip another beat as it 97opped in my chest. .See yo2:4 I managed to breathe o2t. I wa78ed him to the gray stee7 door in the 8itchen and watched him intent7y as he

made it to the opposing door across the a77eyway: comp7ete7y 2nnoticed. Ryan pa2sed in the open doorway and smi7ed at me one 7ast time be9ore disappearing into the ba8ery.

Chapter 3 - Encounters

.0id I miss something34 -arie as8ed: her eyes 7oo8ed me 2p and down 7i8e I had the word Gg2i7ty= written a77 over my body. ./hat do yo2 mean34 I tried to so2nd ob7ivio2s to her acc2sation. I was not going to vo72nteer anything 6 I promised him. She ti7ted her head over towards the window where two photographers stood on g2ard o2tside. I wanted so bad7y to r2n 2pstairs and d2mp a 9ew b2c8ets o9 water o2t o9 my second story window to shoo them away. .I have no idea. -aybe some o9 the 9amo2s wandered o99 the reservation:4 I rep7ied 97at7y. .0id yo2 c2t 2p any 7imes yet34 I was searching 9or a new topic whi7e 8eeping my 972ttering heart in chec8C there was no way I was going to disc2ss the past 9ew ho2rs. .1eah: b2t we=re a7most o2t:4 she gr2mb7ed. (vent2a77y the paparaDDi disappeared: obvio2s7y disappointed that they were not going to get the mi77ion do77ar shot o9 Ryan Christensen in my p2b. The rest o9 the night my mind 7ingered over the memories o9 the day. Ryan had been so charming: so 8ind: and 92nny. I 9e7t s2ch remorse 9or saying o2t 7o2d that he was 9277 o9 himse79. I co27d not have been more wrong abo2t a person. Bis spec87ed b72e eyes were so mesmeriDing when he 7oo8ed at me whi7e 8issing my hand. Bow strange I 9e7t 9rom this chance meeting. I a77owed myse79 a brie9 smi7e be9ore 9orcing my mind bac8 on r2nning my p2b. I 8new I=d never see him againC we came 9rom two di99erent wor7ds that weren=t meant to e;ist together. The ne;t day I had some errands to r2nC I had p2t o99 grocery shopping 7ong eno2gh. I a7so had bands boo8ed 9or 5riday and Sat2rday nights and that de9inite7y meant that we wo27d have m2ch bigger crowds than norma7. I comp7eted my persona7 9ood shopping and then pac8ed my cart with 9resh 7emons: 7imes: and oranges 9or the bar be9ore heading to the chec8o2t.

I pic8ed the 7ane with the 9ewest peop7e standing in 7ine: thin8ing that wo27d get me o2t o9 the store <2ic8er. Bow 9oo7ish o9 me to ass2me that wo27d be the case. The e7der7y 7ady in 9ront o9 me began arg2ing with the cashier: and yo2 8now things are on7y going to get worse when the cashier ca77s someone 9or a price chec8. *ust my lu ". I 7et my eyes g7ance over the 9ront covers o9 the magaDines that 9i77ed the end rac8s: trying to 8i77 time. -ost o9 the covers had de7icio2s pict2res o9 ba8ed items s2rro2nded by words 7i8e G7ow 9at= and Gdiet= or photos o9 Bo77ywood actresses airbr2shed to per9ection. The abs2rdity o9 it a77 made me ch2c87e. I st2died the pict2res o9 the Bo77ywood s2perstars that 9i77ed the 9ront covers o9 the rest o9 the magaDines 2nti7 my eyes 9oc2sed on a 9ami7iar 9ace with piercing b72e eyes. There he was 6 Ryan Christensen 6 a side note or 9eat2re on the cover o9 every gossip magaDine on the rac8. I g7anced over some o9 the tit7es aro2nd his pict2res"

Seasi e Star: Ryan - The !ho"e TruthRyan Christensen - #ottest $ctor on the p"anet% SE$S&DE'S Ryan Christensen an his (essy )o*e Trian+"e

)s m2ch as I despised those rag magaDines: morbid c2riosity got the better o9 me. I grabbed the 9irst one with GThe /ho7e Tr2th= advertised and th2mbed thro2gh it 2nti7 I came across Ryan=s 9eat2red artic7e. The pages were 9i77ed with g7ossy pict2res o9 him trying to 7oo8 inconspic2o2s in some c72b: pict2res 9rom the movie set: and photos o9 him posing. There was no Gtr2th= as the head7ine promised. )77 the words that s2rro2nded his pict2res were nothing more than spec27ated hints o9 scanda7 and a77egations o9 his indiscretions. )s I scanned over the print: it appeared that I 8new more Gtr2th= and 9acts abo2t this man than this pathetic magaDine did. 02ring o2r time together Ryan had revea7ed a 7ot abo2t himse79 6 indirect7y >2st thro2gh my observations 6 and direct7y thro2gh his stories. I noticed Ryan r2bbed his 9orehead a 7ot when he was stressed: how he crac8ed his 8n2c87es o2t o9 habit: and how he chewed on the inside o9 his 7ip when he wo27d ponder

something. -y mind dri9ted over the 9o2r amaDing ho2rs we spent together yesterday. Those memories o9 Ryan were di99erent 9rom the visions p7astered in the magaDine. Be was nice: down*to*earth: >2st 7i8e a reg27ar g2y. 5or as 8ind and 9riend7y as he was: I noticed other character traits that most peop7e probab7y didn=t see. -any peop7e deem actors to be o2tspo8en and gregario2s: b2t Ryan was anything b2t that. Be was shy b2t very p7ay927: 7o2sy at 97irting: and a bit o9 an introvertH >2st 7i8e me. 2t thro2gh his career decision: some good 72c8: and perhaps some incredib7e timing: Ryan=s stat2s was raised 9rom norma7 g2y to a7most Aod*7i8e overnight. )ny chance he had at being a norma7 person was now destroyed by 9ame. That rea7iDation made me sad. I pitied him. -y 7ips p2rsed together as I read the caption 2nder one o9 the pict2res" .Ryan and S2Danne 6 ma8ing o2t on and o99 set.4 The words cast visions into my mind o9 him 8issing every gir7 that presented an opport2nity. Be was desired by so many that he co27d have his pic8. -y interna7 mono7og2e started again. )e probably has a different girl in his bed every night !ust li"e my e0+fian 1, Thomas. The tho2ght comp7ete7y disg2sted me. I sh2t the magaDine and s7apped it bac8 on the rac8. y 5riday night: I had rep7aced tho2ghts o9 Ryan Christensen with abo2t thirty di99erent mi;ed drin8 recipes. I was happy to see a decent siDed crowd en>oying the g2itar p7ayer I hired. Be was engaging the crowd with a good mi; o9 pop27ar t2nes: and I co27dn=t stop myse79 9rom dancing behind the bar% Ill have to boo" him again: I tho2ght to myse79 as I mi;ed two >ac8 and co8es 9or a c2stomer. I ca2ght sight o9 @ete: my wee8end bo2ncer and 7ong*time 9riend: as I scanned the crowd. Be was si; 9oot three: b2i7t 7i8e a 7inebac8er with a rea7 thic8 nec8 and a c7ose*shaved goatee: and was partia77y b7ond b2t most7y ba7d. Be wasn=t hard to miss. I wondered what was wrong to ma8e him 7eave his post at the 9ront door. I noticed he was escorting a yo2ng man with short brown hair and ripped >eans over to where I stood. The boy 7oo8ed 7i8e he was an o7der teenager: b2t de9inite7y not o7d eno2gh to be in a bar. .Taryn:4 @ete ye77ed over the m2sic. .This 8id says he has a de7ivery 9or yo2.4

.)re yo2 Taryn -itche7734 the boy as8ed. .1es 6 that=s me.4 .I have a message 9or yo2:4 he said 7o2d7y as he handed a white enve7ope to me. I tore the enve7ope openC inside was a hand*written 7etter.

I had to read the note twiceC it didn=t sin8 in the 9irst time. 0oes this mean that he 7i8es me3 Be wants to seeH -(3 /hy3 So I can be a third 7eg o9 some new 7ove triang7e3 So he co27d get his roc8s o99 with the 7oca7 se7ection whi7e he=s in town3 Be was a s2per ce7ebrity and I wasn=t * and as m2ch as I wanted to see him again: I=m inte77igent eno2gh to 8now that nothing 7asting co27d come 9rom it. I grabbed a pen 9rom ne;t to the cash register: bit the cap o99 with my teeth: and with a77 my strength and reso7ve I wrote !? on the bac8 o9 a -itche77=s nap8in. -y heart was th2mping 9rom this ordinary b2t strange7y pain927 action. Be wasn=t the 9irst g2y I=d denied: b2t he was de9inite7y the 9irst 9or a denia7 on a nap8in via teenager messenger service. Ryan Christensen was not 7ong*term boy9riend materia7 and I had no interest in having a one*night stand with anyone: regard7ess o9 how 9amo2s they were 6 so why even go thro2gh the motions3 I co27d not p2t my heart on the 7ine 9or this one. I swa77owed hard: 9o7ded the nap8in: and handed it to the boy. .@7ease give this to him: Iason:4 I m2ttered somber7y. I was hoping not to regret this decision. -y eyes shot over to my tr2sty 9riend.

.@ete: p7ease ma8e s2re this yo2ng man ma8es it sa9e7y to his car.4 I stood there and watched as the boy 7e9t thro2gh the 9ront door with my rep7y in his hand whi7e an o7d: 9ami7iar pain ca2sed the 9iss2re in my heart to crac8 a bit wider. It wo27d be another 7ong night devoid o9 7ove. The ne;t morning: the so2nds o9 the birds chirping o2tside my window p277ed me 9rom my dream7ess s7eep. It was gray in my bedroomC not the bright: s2nny ye77ow I had hoped to wa8e to. The weather seemed to match my s277en mood per9ect7y. I too8 a deep breath and he7d it in my 72ngs 9or a moment be9ore e;ha7ing with 9orce whi7e a vision o9 Ryan appeared in my tho2ghts. I p2shed my hair bac8 o99 my 9orehead and tried to r2b the s7eep 9rom my eyes. Maybe if I press hard enough into my s"ull the vision would disappear# )s I tr2dged my way down the ha77 to the bathroom: my tho2ghts 97ashed bac8 to writing .no4 on a nap8in. /hy did I do that3 Be as8ed 9or my phone n2mber and I chic8ened o2t. ) sp7it second 7ater: rationa7ity s2n8 in. Be=s not >2st another g2y who has the potentia7 to rip yo2r heart o2t and hand it to yo2 whi7e it=s sti77 beating. Be wo27d be capab7e o9 mu h more damage than that. 2t he wanted to see me again 6 so he m2st thin8 that I=m attractive eno2gh. )9ter a77: his 7ast 8nown spec27ated gir79riend was bea2ti927. I too8 a 7ong 7oo8 at myse79 in the mirror: trying to see i9 I co27d agree with his assessment. I p277ed the hair tie 9rom my ponytai7: br2shing o2t my 7ong hair. -y s2mmer tan was 9aded: my bi8ini 7ines were >2st abo2t gone: b2t I sti77 had a bit o9 g7ow 7e9t on my 9ace. I t2rned the sin8 on: sp7ashing some co7d water on my eyes. The more I r2bbed: the b72er my eyes appeared. .!ot bad 9or a twenty*seven year o7d:4 I whispered o2t 7o2d to the mirror. &ut so what if he li"es me + then what# .o I get to add a famous person to my short list of friends# 0eep in my brain: do2bt s7ipped o2t o9 its cage. 0espite Ryan=s o2tward gest2re: how co27d I ever compete with the many Bo77ywood star7ets o2t there3 )77 o9 them waiting in the shadows to bag their own 7eading man. /ith their designer c7othes: designer hair: and high*g7oss tans * not to mention their 8i77er 9ig2res:

si7icone breasts: and 9i7thy*rich ban8 acco2nts. (;amp7es o9 them were 7isted convenient7y in the s2permar8et tab7oids: and they were a77 on the h2nt 9or one o9 their own 8ind. Ryan Christensen was de9inite7y on their e7igib7e bache7or=s 7ist. Then I wondered why I tho2ght the 9amo2s: sing7e actresses wo27d be any di99erent 9rom me. They too had their 9air share o9 stardom he77 with 7osing their men to on set hoo8* 2ps and wandering in9ide7ity. (ven the bea2ti927 star7ets were 7e9t bro8en*hearted. )nd then my depressing tho2ghts got worse. Standing direct7y in 7ine with the gorgeo2s actresses 7oo8ing 9or h2sbands wo27d be the 7egion o9 s2per*hot mode7s 7oo8ing 9or their own arm candy. -oh, loo" at me, I have Mr% Super+)ot A tor Man on my arm% I9 he wasn=t an actor and e;treme7y 9amo2s at the moment: wo27d any o9 these women ever, ever give him the time o9 day3 I thin8 not. Bec8: whi7e I=m ma8ing the 7ist: why not add in a77 the e7igib7e da2ghters o9 the rich and power927H and top it o99 with severa7 mi77ion reg27ar women aro2nd the g7obe who wo27d 8i77 9or a shot at Ryan Christensen. That wo27d be an aw927 7ong 7ine to stand in 9or one man. ?h he77: what=s the point3 In a 9ew wee8s he=77 be gone anyway. ?99 to another 7ocation to do his ne;t movie with some tota77y se;y co*star who he=77 bond with: and in no time they wi77 s2re7y try to get into each other=s pants. (very day mi77ions o9 peop7e go o99 to wor8: b2t how many o9 them have to 9a8e romances or stic8 their tong2es in someone e7se=s mo2th 9or a 7iving3 )oney, have a great day at wor" and I hope you get some good tongue a tion on set today! -h, youre doing a love s ene today with a hot, single a tress# (ood for you! Should I all the lawyer now or wait until you offi ially leave me for her# Bow many actors= persona7 7ives are r2ined beca2se o9 it3 I wondered i9 it wo27d be possib7e 9or someone 7i8e Ryan to ever have a norma7 re7ationship. -aybe he wo27d 9o77ow in the 9ootsteps o9 so many others be9ore him and >2st stic8 to brie9 re7ationships with a variety o9 actresses3 I tho2ght abo2t the ma>ority o9 re7ationships amongst actors * on7y a hand927 o9 them were between actors and norma7 h2mans. The odds were stac8ed against me regard7ess. I shoo8 my 9ingers thro2gh my hair to toss the tho2ghts away. I am >2st de72ding myse79 to thin8 that this 6 whatever it was 6 co27d have ever amo2nted to anything.

Time to get ba " into the real world, Taryn. Men li"e that dont fall for ordinary people li"e you. I s2dden7y 9e7t very insigni9icant a77 over again. ./hy are yo2 in s2ch a bad mood34 -arie gr2mb7ed at me whi7e she was ma8ing a drin8. She 8new me we77 eno2gh to 8now that something was wrong. I had spent the entire day beating myse79 2p interna77yC by nine o=c7oc8 my interna7 str2gg7e reached the o2tside o9 my body. I shoo8 my head and tried to shr2g her o99. est 9riend or not: there was no way I=d ever spi77 my secret to herC my private fau0 pas wo27d become the p2b7ic 8now7edge o9 everyone who stepped 9oot in the bar beca2se s2re7y she wo27d chastise me o2t 7o2d 9or the rest o9 the night. She 7eered at me: demanding an answer. .Something didn=t wor8 o2t the way I had hoped.4 I 9ig2red that was good eno2gh o9 an answer to give her. I met a wonderful, 2uir"y guy who ould ma"e me really happy but hes also e0tremely famous and ould never be mine' .1o2 want to ta78 abo2t it34 -arie as8ed. I 8new she cared abo2t me b2t this was something I co27dn=t share. .!o:4 I rep7ied so9t7y. .!othing to ta78 abo2t. I=77 be 9ine.4 I was than8927 that I had a 7arge crowd o9 strangers ming7ing aro2nd my p2bC there was eno2gh o9 a commotion going on that I co27d stay distracted. ?ne o9 my 9avorite 7oca7 bands >2st 9inished setting 2p their e<2ipment on the stage and soon we wo27d a77 be en>oying some roc8ing m2sic. @ete he7d his 2s2a7 position: perched on a stoo7 inside the door: ma8ing s2re to chec8 everyone=s I0 and to co77ect a sma77 cover charge 9or the band. )s I 7oo8ed aro2nd: everything that was a7ways stab7e and constant in my 7i9e was >2st as it sho27d be. I accepted that my decision was a wise and hea7thy choice and stood 9irm in my reso7ve. The evening progressed and -arie and I were dancing behind the bar as 2s2a7: mi;ing drin8s and s7iding g7asses and bott7es to o2r c2stomers. The m2sic was >amming: the crowd was thic8: and my bad mood 9or the most part was 7i9ted. (veryone was having a good time. I was waiting on a c2stomer when a77 o9 a s2dden I 9e7t a hand c7amp tight7y aro2nd my 9orearm and sharp 9ingernai7s d2g into my s8in.

.-arieE /hat are yo2 doing34 I as8ed: 7oo8ing down at her c7enched hand. -y eyes shot 2p to 7oo8 at her 9ace and I noticed she was t2rning whiteC her mo2th was gaping open. I g7anced down the bar in the direction o9 her petri9ied stareC I didn=t 8now what the prob7em was. .-arie34 I scanned the crowd rapid7y and then I saw him 6 Ryan Christensen * and a sma77 gro2p o9 peop7e 9i7tering thro2gh the crowd. ?ne o9 my reg27ar c2stomers: 0an: started smac8ing his hand repeated7y on the bar to get my attention. .Taryn: @ete wants to see yo2 !?/E4 .-arie: 7et goE4 I sho2ted: pee7ing her 9ingers o99 my arm. I d2c8ed o2t the other end o9 the bar and made my way thro2gh the crowd to the 9ront door. @ete was ho7ding bac8 a 7arge crowd when I 9ina77y reached him. .TarynE /hat the he77 was I s2pposed to do3 I had to 7et him in 6 he paidE4 .@ete: we can=t 7et any more peop7e in. /e=re at ma; now. )77 I need is the 5ire -arsha77 to show 2p 6 they=77 sh2t me down:4 I ye77ed over the m2sic. ./e77 then you have to te77 a77 o9 them that I can=t 7et them inE4 @ete pointed at the crowd that stretched a77 the way down the sidewa78. .@ete: >2st c7ose the door and sit on yo2r stoo7 in 9ront o9 it. I=77 get 0an to he7p yo2.4 I stepped o2tside onto the sidewa78 and raised my voice to spea8 to the waiting crowd. .I=m sorry everyone: b2t we are at ma;im2m capacity. I9 yo2=d 7i8e to come in: yo2 wi77 have to wait 2nti7 other c2stomers 7eave.4 I r2shed bac8 into the bar and <2ic87y 7ocated 0an. .?h: 0an: another thing...4 I t2rned to ta8e ho7d o9 his m2sc27ar arm. .I9 the crowd o2t there gets o2t o9 contro7: ca77 the po7ice: then come and get me immediate7y.4 I h2rried to get myse79 bac8 behind the barC in a77 the years we=d been in b2siness we had never had a crowd this siDe be9ore. C2stomers were two to three peop7e deep at the bar. It was insane. I spotted a b2r7y man standing at the opposite end with money stic8ing o2t o9 his hand. Bis stance was somewhat intimidating. -arie was sti77 daDed 9rom seeing RyanC she was having a hard time waiting on c2stomers and remembering drin8 orders. .Bi: what can I get yo234 I as8ed the b2r7y man. I 9ig2red he was persona7 sec2rity

9or the actors. Be 9it the 7oo8. .Bi there:4 he said: smi7ing at me as he proceeded to ratt7e o99 a drin8 order. I g7anced aro2nd 7oo8ing 9or RyanC I 8new he was in here somewhere. ?2r eyes 7oc8ed when I 9o2nd himC he was 7eaning on the 9ar bric8 wa77 by the poo7room with his arms 9o7ded across his chest 6 staring at me with a s7ight grin. There was a7ready a swarm o9 gir7s aro2nd him: b2t he didn=t seem to be paying a 7ot o9 attention to them. Be was ta78ing to some g2y instead. )s I was mi;ing their drin8 order: I noticed that two o9 the 9amo2s actresses 9rom his movie were a7so in my p2b. ) 9ew ma7e patrons were trying to brea8 thro2gh the bodyg2ard 9orce 9ie7d that s2rro2nded them. Ryan seemed to be having a good time. Be had a big g7ass o9 beer in his hand and he was 7a2ghing and being <2ite socia7 with his gro2p: b2t not so m2ch with the genera7 p2b7ic. I 9e7t weird 9rom thin8ing abo2t o2r 9irst enco2nter and my re>ection when he as8ed 9or my n2mber. I was so nervo2s 9rom seeing him again that I tried to ignore him: b2t it was hard. I co27d 9ee7 his presence a77 aro2nd me. I was at the 9ar end o9 the bar waiting on a c2stomer when -arie n2dged me with her e7bow. .Be=s sitting at the barE4 she s<2ea7ed with e;citement. She was s<2irming aro2nd so m2ch I tho2ght she was going to pee her pants. .I tried to wait on him: b2t he said he wants to ta78 to yo2E4 she babb7ed as she pointed a 9inger at me. I 97ashed my eyes down the bar. Be was sitting there cas2a77y with his arms 9o7ded: wearing a bit o9 a smir8: on the same stoo7 he sat on the 9irst time he was here. I contin2ed to ta8e care o9 my c2rrent c2stomer be9ore I made my approach. I wasn=t going to r2sh. I s7ow7y wa78ed towards him: ta8ing care o9 severa7 c2stomers on my way: whi7e my mind was 97ashing a mi77ion di99erent tho2ghts% .o I say hi# Should I pretend not to "now him# I wished I had another 9orty 9eet to wa78: b2t I was o2t o9 97oor. .BiE4 @athetic as it was: that was abo2t a77 I co27d get myse79 to say. .Bi bac8:4 he said: 97ashing a se;y smi7e. .Bow are yo234 .S2rprised34 I shr2gged. .)nd e;treme7y b2sy than8s to yo2E4 I tried to so2nd a7oo9. .That=s good: I g2ess.4 Bis eyes 97ic8ered over to the stage. .1o2 have some great

entertainment here tonight.4 .Than8s. These g2ys are great. They p7ay here a 7ot.4 I 9e7t myse79 smi7ing at him as we spo8e whi7e my mind dri9ted over the memories o9 the 7ast time he was here. !o matter what: it was sti77 easy to ta78 to him. That was 2nti7 I became aware that peop7e were staring at 2s. .So: can I get yo2 a re9i7734 I as8ed: trying to be cas2a7 with him 7i8e he was >2st another c2stomer. I snapped right bac8 into b2siness mode. Ryan <2ic87y 9inished his beer and s7id the empty g7ass towards me. )s I wa78ed over to the beer taps I g7anced bac8 at himC his eyes had 9o77owed me and he was smi7ing. I co27dn=t he7p b2t to smir8 bac8. ./hat do I owe yo234 Be shoved his hand in his 9ront poc8et. I shoo8 my head again in disapprova7. .!othing: it=s on the ho2seC I 8now the owner.4 I shr2gged. I was trying to be noncha7ant. .1o2 don=t have to do that: yo2 8now.4 Be scow7ed at me. I wrin87ed my nose at him in response to his 2nhappy e;pression. Be mimic8ed me: 2nti7 a smi7e crac8ed on his 7ips. .Than8sH Taryn.4 Those piercing b72e eyes o9 his <2ic8ened my p27se. There were so many peop7e at the bar: I had to tear myse79 away and wait on the ne;t c2stomer. @eop7e were sho2ting drin8 orders and waving money. !o sooner did I t2rn my eyes away when three women descended on him. They were gigg7ing: g2shing: 97irting: and trying to get him to pose with them so they co27d capt2re their ce7ebrity moment on their camera phones. -y 7ips c2r7ed in disg2st. I was g7ad I made the decision that I did. There was too 7ong o9 a 7ine to get to that man. I attempted to ignore him again. ./hat can I get yo234 I as8ed the somewhat good*7oo8ing g2y who was waiting 9or a drin8. Be m2mb7ed something 2ninte77igib7eC the m2sic mi;ed with the h2m o9 peop7e ta78ing and ye77ing made it a7most impossib7e to hear. I heard Ryan sneeDe a co2p7e o9 times in a row. -y attention a2tomatica77y shi9ted bac8 to him% I wonder if hes at hing a old# I s7id a 9ew white coc8tai7 nap8ins in 9ront o9 him in case he needed a tiss2e. I wasn=t 7oo8ing as I set them down near his handC I smi7ed when I 9e7t his warm 9ingertips br2sh over mine.

.Sorry: I didn=t get that.4 I c2pped my other hand aro2nd the bac8 o9 my ear so my 7atest c2stomer wo27d get the point. ./hat wo27d yo2 7i8e34 I as8ed again. .1o2=re bea2ti927E4 he sho2ted at me. I grimaced at his words and his 7ame attempt to hit on me. .Than8s:4 I rep7ied 97at7y. ./hat can I get yo234 I was getting impatient. .Bow abo2t yo2r phone n2mber34 he ye77ed bac8 to me as he was a7most 7i9ting his body onto the bar. I noticed that a9ter he spo8e he 7oo8ed bac8 at his b2ddies so they co27d ac8now7edge his bravery. I 7oo8ed down and smi7ed as the embarrassment made me b72sh. -y go7den r27e was not to date random c2stomers: especia77y the ones who were assho7es. .Than8s. I=m very 97attered:4 I rep7ied with a ha79*hearted smi7e. . 2t sorry: the on7y thing yo2=re going to get 9rom this side o9 the bar is a7coho7.4 -y eyes 97ic8ered bac8 to Ryan: who was sitting there staring at me with a sm2g grin on his 9ace. .?h: come onE4 the yo2ng man p7eaded with me. I >2st shoo8 my head no. ) 9ew men sitting at the bar teased the poor g2y. .?oh: shot down in 97amesE ?2chE4 I gave them a disapproving 7oo8. ./hat do yo2 want to drin834 I as8ed again: trying to be more cordia7. In rea7ity: he had ten seconds to rep7y be9ore I was going to move on to the ne;t c2stomer. .Three 7agers:4 he 9ina77y ye77ed bac8. Ten drin8 orders 7ater: I was ma8ing a whis8ey so2r 9or a 9ema7e c2stomer when I noticed one o9 the actresses: 5rancesca LeRo2;: descend 2pon Ryan. 5rancesca was yo2ng: 7eggy: s2per thin: with straight: 7ong brown hair. She 7oo8ed 7i8e a mode7. She was 7eaning on Ryan=s sho27der with her arm aro2nd him: whispering in his ear. I happened to be 7oo8ing when she ran her 9ingers over Ryan=s hair. Be winced and ti7ted his head away 9rom her to2ch. I co27d te77 it bothered him. Why does that bother me# There was something abo2t the way she to2ched him that irritated me. ) 9ew moments 7ater Ryan moved bac8 to the tab7e with her to re>oin their gro2p. Be sat down in one o9 the side booths: b2t there were so many peop7e aro2nd them that my view o9 him was obsc2red. ./hat did he say to yo234 -arie as8ed. She was going o2t o9 her mind with

c2riosity. .I gave him a beer. Be said than8s.4 I shr2gged. .That=s it.4 .1o2 had Ryan 9rea8in= Christensen at yo2r bar and yo2 didn=t ta78 to him34 .-arie: what was I s2pposed to say34 I was not into having this conversation with her: so I wa78ed away. Ryan stayed at the tab7e with his gro2p: a7tho2gh I was trying not to 8eep tabs on his whereabo2ts. Three b278y sec2rity g2ards hovered aro2nd them: 8eeping the genera7 pop27ation at bay. I saw a 9ew women manage to s<2ea8 thro2gh and get an a2tograph: and I wished that they wo27d >2st 7eave him a7one. I wondered i9 the way he ran his 9inger bac8 and 9orth 2nderneath his nose to scratch was another nervo2s tic8: b2t he started to sneeDe again. Be m2st be getting a co7d. )s I was 9i77ing another drin8 order: my mind contemp7ated over what the big dea7 was to get someone=s signat2re on a piece o9 paper. /as it simp7y the act o9 stopping him 9rom whatever he was doing to ma8e him ac8now7edge another h2man being=s presence3 I signed my name severa7 times a day 6 most7y on chec8s to pay the bi77s 6 b2t it wasn=t 7i8e the @ower Company was on my doorstep 97irting or screaming my name to get me to sign the chec8. I watched as he scribb7ed his name on the bottom o9 some gir7=s shirt. /hat wo27d possess these gir7s to want him to write on their c7othes with permanent mar8er3 I did notice one thing tho2ghC some o9 the gir7s that stepped 2p to b2g him ranged 9rom <2ite pretty to very attractive: b2t they a77 seemed to be 9orms witho2t 9aces to him. Be didn=t even rea77y 7oo8 at them. It was 7i8e he too was in b2siness mode. .BiE4 sho2ted a ma7e voice that snapped me o2t o9 my private tho2ghts. I 7oo8ed 2p to see a nice 7oo8ing man wearing a s2it >ac8et over a nice7y pressed b2tton*down shirt. Thic8: dar8 hairH s7ight dimp7es in his chee8sH no wedding ring on the hand that rested on the bar. .Bi. /hat can I get yo234 -y eyes ad>2sted to this new handsome man. ./hat do yo2 have on tap34 he as8ed: 97ashing an a772ring smi7e at me. I 7isted the ten di99erent dra9ts that I had on tap and handed him a men2 o9 avai7ab7e bott7ed beer >2st in case. .Bmm: yo2=ve given me too many options. /hat do yo2 recommend34

./e77 that depends:4 I responded: .on whether yo2 pre9er a dar8er: 9277 bodied beer or a 7ighter: pa7e a7e.4 Be 7eaned 92rther onto the bar. .1o2=re not ma8ing this easy 9or me. /hy don=t yo2 pic8 one3 I=m s2re I=77 7i8e anything yo2 choose.4 I wa78ed away smi7ing and grabbed a new g7ass a7ong my way. I tapped one o9 the more pop27ar a7es and s7id the g7ass across the bar to him. .-mm: that=s goodE4 Be grinned and win8ed at me. .1o2 have e;ce77ent tasteE4 Bis comp7iment made me 7a2gh. Be wasn=t the 9irst man to te77 me that. .-y name is -ar8. /hat=s yo2rs34 .Taryn:4 I rep7ied: wondering i9 he was going to pay 9or the beer I >2st served him. .It=s a p7eas2re to meet yo2: Taryn.4 -ar8 smi7ed and he7d o2t his hand to me. I didn=t want to be r2de: so I shoo8 his hand. .1o2r hand is so9t:4 -ar8 comp7imented. .Than8s:4 I said wari7y: attempting to end o2r handsha8e. e9ore I 8new it: the s7ic8 man c7amped his hand aro2nd mine: trapping my hand in his. I t2gged bac8 against his grip: b2t he was stronger than I was. -y smi7e <2ic87y 9aded as I didn=t 7i8e the ho7d he had on me. .0id anyone ever te77 yo2 how bea2ti927 yo2 are34 he crooned. Bis 9ree hand started petting my wrist and 9orearm in the same manner that yo2 wo27d pet a ho2secat. -y stomach twisted in a 8not. I tried to p277 my hand 9ree b2t he maintained his ho7d. .Let go o9 my hand:4 I stated ca7m7y: in an a7most teasing 9ashion. .I can=t. !ot 2nti7 yo2 te77 me why I=m so drawn to yo2:4 -ar8 pondered: 7i8e it was my 9a27t that he co27dn=t contro7 himse79. I t2gged severa7 times whi7e he attempted to 7ame7y 97irt with me: b2t I co27d not brea8 his grip. .Let. Ao. ?9. -y. Band.4 I emphasiDed each word. I 7oo8ed over his sho27der: s2rprised to see Ryan standing right behind him. Bis beer was in one hand and the 9ingers o9 his other hand were t2c8ed in his poc8etC his narrowed eyes were 9i;ed on mine. !e;t to him was one o9 his bodyg2ards. .?h Taryn:4 -ar8 97ashed his best smi7e at me: .I can=t 7et yo2 goE Since yo2 were

so good at pic8ing o2t a drin8 9or me: I thin8 yo2 sho27d pic8 o2t a resta2rant 9or me to ta8e yo2 to.4 .I don=t thin8 so:4 I rep7ied co7d7y: tired o9 his game. .?h: come on: sweetie. 0on=t be 7i8e thatE4 Bis tone made me wince. Be trai7ed his pres2mpt2o2s 9inger over my wrist. Ryan 7oo8ed at my new admirer and bac8 at meC his 9ace was showing his concern. I shoo8 my head ever so s7ight7y: hoping Ryan wo27d heed my warning. I didn=t want any tro2b7e. Two yo2ng women approached Ryan and attempted to get his attention. ?ne o9 them grabbed his arm. Ryan immediate7y raised his e7bow: obvio2s7y disp7eased with their 9orward behavior and intr2sion. Be a7most spi77ed his beer. I co27d see he didn=t 7i8e peop7e to2ching him either. I repeated myse79: raising my annoyed voice at -ar8. .Let go o9 my hand. That=s three do77ars 9or the beer.4 .Come on 6 yo2 sho27d go o2t with meE /e=77 have a 7ot o9 92n: I promise.4 Bis tone dripped with coercion: b2t he 9ina77y re7eased my hand. .!o. That wi77 never happen. Three do77ars: p7ease.4 Ryan he7d 2p his hand to the gir7s and I tho2ght I heard him say: .p7ease: not now4 to them. Bis bodyg2ard immediate7y intervened. .I2st ta8e a chanceE I 8now yo2 9e7t something >2st now when I he7d yo2r hand. There was a connection there. 0on=t deny itE4 -ar8 pressed. Ryan was g7aring at him now. Bis anger was evident. .Sorry. I didn=t 9ee7 anything:4 I stated 97at7y: 8eeping a77 emotions o2t o9 my tone. This g2y was beyond being an assho7e. .1o2 h2rt my 9ee7ings:4 -ar8 pathetica77y po2ted. -arie was watching me o2t o9 the corner o9 her eye tooC we a7ways 7oo8ed o2t 9or each other. /e had been 9riends since >2nior high: and we wor8ed the bar together 9or so 7ong: we had the creep signa7 down pat. I p277ed the bar rag o2t o9 my bac8 poc8et and dropped it on the 97oor. ./ho=s yo2r new 9riend: Taryn34 -arie ye77ed over to me. .?h: this is -ar8:4 I stated 7o2d7y as I pointed at him. .Be wants to ta8e me to

dinner: b2t I >2st rea77y want him to pay 9or his beer. It=s s2ch a di7emmaE4 Ryan ch2c87ed ever so s2bt7y. -y new admirer 9ina77y got the hint. Be pee7ed three ones 9rom his 9o7ded money: tossed it on the bar: and t2rned in a h299. Be a7most b2mped into Ryan as he 97ed his spot at the bar. Ryan smi7ed at me be9ore raising his g7ass to ta8e a sip o9 his drin8. I 97ashed my eyes between Ryan and the open seat: hoping that he wo27d get the hint. Be didn=t disappoint. .Can I re9resh yo2r drin8 9or yo2: sir34 I said in a proper yet >o8ing tone as I snatched his g7ass o99 the bar. Be 7a2ghed s7ight7y and nodded his head. I set his g7ass in the sin8 and tapped him a 9resh beer in a new g7ass. .Can I a7so interest yo2 in doing a shot o9 one o9 the smoothest te<2i7as yo2=77 ever have34 I set his new beer in 9ront o9 him. .0e9inite7y interested:4 he stated direct7y: his piercing eyes 7oc8ed on mine. I reached 2p to the top she79 behind the bar and wrapped my 9ingers aro2nd a c7ear bott7e with a ro2nd: si7ver stopper. ./hat is that34 he as8ed: trying to read the bott7e. .Aran @atrOn @7atin2m te<2i7a.4 I po2red two shots. .Bere=s toH psychotic 9ansE4 I cheered: raising my shot g7ass in the air. Be tapped his g7ass into mine and we both tossed the shots bac8 into o2r mo2ths. Ryan reached in his poc8et and p277ed a wad o9 money o2t: b2t I shoo8 my head at him. .!o. @2t yo2r money away:4 I whispered as I co77ected the empty shot g7asses. Be 9rowned at me. Instinctive7y I scow7ed bac8 at him. Then: 7i8e a two*year*o7d: he st2c8 his tong2e o2t at meE I cas2a77y r2bbed my midd7e 9inger across my eyebrow. /e both started 7a2ghing. /hen I g7anced bac8 2p at him again: S2Danne Strass: the other actress who 9o77owed him into the bar: was hovering aro2nd him. She whispered something in his earC whatever she said made him ro77 his eyes and p2rse his 7ips. Be didn=t 7oo8 happy with whatever she said. /itho2t saying a word: he got 2p and moved bac8 to the tab7e with his origina7 gro2p: where he stayed 9or the rest o9 the night. They had severa7 additiona7 ro2nds o9 drin8s and

seemed to a77 have a good time. I noticed S2Danne trying to hide as she swayed bac8 and 9orth to the m2sic. Ryan sat 9acing in my direction: and every once and a whi7e he=d stare at me 2nti7 o2r eyes met. Ryan=s b72e eyes were hypnotic and I co27dn=t he7p b2t smi7e every time one o9 2s was ca2ght staring. Be was e;treme7y handsome: b2t there was something e7se. Be didn=t ho7d himse79 in high regardC he >2st wanted to b7end. Ryan=s eyes he7d mine 9or an e;tra moment. Be smi7ed at me: ti7ted his head s7ight7y: and then proceeded to 2nb2tton his top shirt. I was c2rio2s as to why he was 2ndressing in my p2b. I co27dn=t 7oo8 away. Be patted his hand on his chest and stretched bac8. That=s when I noticed he was wearing my b72e T*shirt 2nder everything e7se. I ch2c87ed to myse79C no 7onger co27d I contain my big grin. Be raised his eyebrows a co2p7e o9 times and win8ed at me. It was a7most one o=c7oc8 in the morning when his gro2p got 2p to 7eave. Ryan stood there staring at me whi7e he p2t his >ac8et on. Be 7e9t o2t a sigh then t2rned and headed 9or the door. )nd >2st 7i8e that: with no words: no goodbye: he was gone. 5ort2nate7y when the ce7ebrities 7e9t so did most o9 the crowd. The p2b was trashed. /e went thro2gh most o9 the bott7es o9 beer I had stoc8ed in the coo7ers as we77 as most o9 my 7i<2or reserves. ott7es: g7asses: and empty pitchers covered most o9 the tab7es. .Bow 9rea8ing craDy was that34 @ete sho2ted as he he7ped co77ect the garbage. -arie had tray a9ter tray o9 dirty g7asses 7ined 2p on the bar top: b2t despite the h2ge mess that awaited c7ean*2p: she was sti77 smi7ing 9rom her ce7ebrity enco2nter. .I cannot be7ieve that they came hereE4 she gigg7ed. .I=m sti77 >itteryE4 I smi7ed at her. Ryan and his 9riends were >2st peop7e who wanted to have a good time tonight too. .?ne thing is 9or s2re * Ryan Christensen co27dn=t ta8e his eyes o99 o9 yo2E4 she teased me. I groaned at her 9or pointing that o2t. .)nd don=t yo2 ro77 yo2r eyes at me eitherE4 she reprimanded. I 7et o2t a big sigh whi7e visions o9 Ryan 97ashed thro2gh my mind. /e did stare at each other a 7ot tonight%

Why did he try to prote t me# I started washing dirty g7asses trying not to thin8 abo2t it: b2t I was 9ai7ing miserab7y.

Chapter , - -ames

.1o2 made the paper:4 Tammy anno2nced: tossing the -onday 7oca7 section o9 the Seaport Times newspaper in 9ront o9 me. -y dear 9riend @ete was ho7ding Tammy=s other hand. Be p277ed o2t a chair so Tammy co27d >oin me at the big: ro2nd tab7e in the midd7e o9 the p2b. I was so g7ad when @ete p2t that engagement ring on Tammy=s 9inger. Be 7oved her so m2ch and she s2re7y made him happy. Tammy was a sweetheart and a great 9riend. ./e did34 I as8ed as I paged thro2gh the newspaper to 9ind the artic7e. .1ep: yo2=re on page two:4 she rep7ied. ./here34 I didn=t see an artic7e. .There: the pict2re.4 Tammy pointed. I st2died the photo o9 peop7e standing o2tside my 9ront door. The caption read .Loca7 night spot -itche77=s @2b had a 7ong waiting 7ine Sat2rday as visiting ce7ebrities were reported to be inside.4 .That=s it34 -arie as8ed as she read over my sho27der. .!o story34 ./hatever. I=77 ta8e the 9ree advertising:4 I >o8ed. .)nd spea8ing o9 7ong 7inesH here: this is 9or yo2.4 I p277ed two enve7opes 9rom my poc8et and s7id one to both @ete and -arie. ./hat=s this34 @ete as8ed: peering inside the enve7ope. Be co2nted it o2t. .This is 9ive h2ndred b2c8sE4 ./e77: we had a mon2menta7 Sat2rday night and I wanted to share the pro9its with yo2. 1o2 both wor8ed very hard and I wanted to say Than8 1o2 in more than words.4 .Than8sE4 they both said in 2nison. -arie=s h2sband Aary tried to grab the enve7ope 9rom her. .Bands o99: misterE4 she ye77ed: smac8ing his hand. .I b2sted my ass 9or thisE4 .1eah: AaryE Jeep yo2r hands o99 that moneyE4 I sco7ded him. .-arie needs a77 o9

that. -aybe that way she=77 be ab7e to stay in the game 7onger tonight.4 .?h: I seeE4 @ete be77owed. .1o2 thin8 yo2=re going to win this money bac8 tonight: do yo234 Be grinned at me. .That=s rightE /e=re 2pping tonight=s bets 9rom <2arters to do77ars. )nd the sooner yo2 sh2997e the cards: the sooner I=77 be rich:4 I teased him. .-arieH whi7e yo2 are over there: can yo2 grab a bow7 9or the pretDe7s: pretty p7ease34 .So we=re not p7aying 9or <2arters34 @ete=s 9ace 9e77. Tammy n2dged him in the arm. .I=m pretty s2re Taryn is >o8ing.4 -arie was digging in one o9 the cabinets behind the bar when the te7ephone rang. .Aood evening: -itche77=s @2b.4 I 7oo8ed over at her: con92sed by her actions. .0on=t answer that. /e=re c7osed: remember34 .!o: I=m sorry. /e aren=t open tonight. The p2b wi77 be open tomorrow at one o=c7oc8. S2re: ho7d on a min2te.4 -arie he7d the phone to her sho27der. .Taryn: phone ca77.4 ./ho is it34 I whispered at her. She shr2gged her sho27ders: not bothering to as8. 4I d2nno.4 .Be77o34 I answered. .Taryn3 Bi: it=s Ryan. Bow are yo234 .AoodE )nd yo234 Why is he alling me# .I=m good. I was >2st wondering i9 yo2 were open. Ca7 and I were 7oo8ing 9or something to do and I tho2ght abo2t shooting poo7:4 Ryan ramb7ed. ./e77: act2a77y I=m c7osed on -ondays:4 I said regrettab7y. .?h: what are yo2 2p to then34 he as8ed. .I=m >2st hanging o2t with a 9ew 9riends. ?n -ondays we p7ay po8er.4 .0id yo2 say po8er34 It so2nded 7i8e he didn=t be7ieve me. .1eah:4 I 7a2ghed nervo2s7y. ./e p7ay every -onday.4 .That so2nds 7i8e 92nE4 Ryan stated. I co27d hear another ma7e voice in the bac8gro2nd as8ing Ryan to e;p7ain. .@7aying po8er:4 Ryan spo8e to someone e7se. .?h he77 yeahE4 the voice in the bac8gro2nd rep7ied 7o2d7y and enth2siastica77y. .So I g2ess this is the part where I as8 i9 yo2 want to >oin 2s34 I snic8ered.

.I don=t 8now. )re there a 7ot o9 peop7e there34 he as8ed worried7y. .!o: >2st 9o2r o9 my 9riends. That=s it.4 .I2st 9o2r3 0o yo2 mind i9 we come over34 Be so2nded hope927. ./e=d 7ove to p7ayC we need to get o2t o9 the hote7.4 .!o: I don=t mind. That is as 7ong as yo2 don=t bring yo2r psycho 9ans with yo2. y the way: we p7ay 9or money.4 Ryan 7a2ghed in my ear. .1o2=77 have to snea8 2s in then. /e can come thro2gh the a77ey.4 .Bmm: so2nds 7i8e yo2 tho2ght abo2t this a7ready:4 I acc2sed him. .-aybe:4 he shot bac8. ./e=77 be there in a ha79 ho2r.4 ./ho was that34 -arie as8ed. Ber eyes narrowed in on my 9ace. I sat bac8 down at the big tab7e and ran my 9inger aro2nd the rim o9 my beer g7ass. .That wasH4 I too8 a deep breath. .Ryan.4 ./hat3 1o2 mean 7i8e Ryan ,hristensen34 -arie >2st abo2t shot o2t o9 her chair. .1ep.4 I was 9ighting bac8 a smi7e. .)nd34 She g7ared at me. .Be and someone named Ca7 are going to be >oining 2s tonight.4 Tammy 72rched onto the tab7e: a7most spi77ing her drin8. .Ca73 Ca7 Reyno7ds3 1o2 mean the actor Ca7 Reyno7ds who p7ayed Char7es= brother Rando7ph in Seaside34 ./ho=s Char7es34 I as8ed. .Char7esE 1o2 don=t 8now who Char7es is34 Tammy shri77ed at me. I s7id bac8 92rther in my seat and shoo8 my head. She sort o9 scared me 9or a moment. .Char7es is the character that Ryan Christensen p7ays in SeasideE4 Ber e;pression made me 9ee7 st2pid: 7i8e I was missing a big ch2n8 o9 common 8now7edge. .?8ay: i9 yo2 say so. Be said Ca7: so i9 that=s the same Ca7: then yes:4 I rep7ied. .!? 9rea8in wayE4 Tammy ye77ed. .They are coming here34 .Ca7m down: Tammy. They were here Sat2rday night. /e77: Ryan was b2t I don=t thin8 Ca7 was. )nyway: 7isten: it=s no big dea7: o8ay3 They=re >2st reg27ar peop7e.4 I tried to get her to come down 9rom the c7o2ds. .1o2 a77 have to be coo7 abo2t this. I don=t want to hear any o9 yo2 gossiping abo2t them being here either. 1o2 have to promise. @R?-IS(E4 I shoo8 my 9inger at them. .They

>2st want to p7ay po8er with 2s so everyone >2st re7a;.4 -arie=s eyes were b27ging in her head. She 8new I was ho7ding bac8. .)77 right Taryn: spi77 itE /hat the hell is going on here3 Ryan Christensen >2st showed 2p here random7y Sat2rday night and now 7i8e it=s no big dea7 that he=s going to be >oining 2s 9or po8er34 .I met him the other day:4 I re72ctant7y con9essed with a sigh. .The boy that came in here 5riday night had a message 9rom Ryan. Be sent him to as8 9or my ce77 n2mber.4 .That ma8es sense now:4 @ete rep7ied. ./hat34 I tho2ght -arie=s head was going to dis7odge 9rom her body. .Be as8ed 9or yo2r n2mber34 .1es: a77 right34 I said a bit de9ensive7y. . 2t I didn=t give it to him. I g2ess that=s why he showed 2p here on Sat2rday.4 -arie was sha8ing her head vio7ent7y. .Ryan 9rea8in= Christensen as8ed 9or yo2r phone n2mber and yo2 didnt give it to him3 )m I hearing this correct7y34 I >2st shr2gged and ro77ed my eyes. .)re yo2 o2t o9 yo2r mind34 -arie screamed at me whi7e p277ing on her own hair. .I have my reasons.4 ./hat3 /hat reasons co27d yo2 possib7y have3 ?ne o9 the hottest g2ys on the p7anet wants yo2r phone n2mber: b2t yo2 have reasons3 This shit better not be abo2t Thomas: beca2se I=77 8ic8 yo2r ass myse79E4 .!o: this has nothing to do with Thomas. Ryan is a ce7ebrity 9or Aod=s sa8eE Be=s on7y in town 9or a co2p7e o9 wee8s. /hat do yo2 want me to do3 I2st 7ie down 9or him beca2se he is 9amo2s34 .I wo27d:4 she said: b2t the 7oo8 Aary gave her made her bac8 trac8 her comment. .I mean i9 I was you: I wo27d.4 ./e77 yo2 sho27d 8now me better than that. 1o2 o9 a77 peop7e.4 Ber >2dgment o9 me h2rt. .Loo8: he=s a nice person: and i9 he wants to be 9riends whi7e he=s in town: I=m o8ay with that. 2t I=m not going to have my heart smashed again: by anyone% )nd I=m certain7y not going to de72de myse79 into thin8ing that he is going to p2rs2e a re7ationship with meE4 -y own words st2ng. I stood 2p 9rom the tab7e and h2rried to the bathroom. I did not want to contin2e this conversation. (ood enough for lust, but not good enough for love

97ashed thro2gh my mind 7i8e a scro77ing e7ectric sign. -arie and Tammy 9o77owed me to the bathroom. The second -arie was thro2gh the door she p277ed me into a h2g. .I=m sorry:4 she whispered in my ear. .I didn=t mean to 2pset yo2.4 .It=s a77 right. I 2pset myse79.4 I stared over her sho27der at the ti7ed wa77 as she s<2eeDed me. .Ryan is rea77y: rea77y nice. Be=s 92nny and 8ind andH he is the 8ind o9 g2y I co27d easi7y 9a77 9or. 2t I can=t. I wi77 not a77ow myse79 to get ca2ght 2p 7i8e that. Be=s a ce7ebrityE Be has gir7s standing in 7ine 9or him.4 I had to 7oo8 away. ?nce again I 9o2nd myse79 becoming interested in a man who was 2nobtainab7e. .?h: Taryn:4 Tammy said whi7e r2bbing my bac8: .he obvio2s7y 7i8es yo2E /hy e7se do yo2 thin8 he=s coming aro2nd3 0on=t be so hard on yo2rse79. 1o2 are a gorgeo2s: awesome woman. )nd yo2 don=t 8now what the 92t2re ho7ds.4 .I 8now why he=s coming aro2nd:4 I m2ttered: 8nowing that he=s a man with needs. .I9 he wants to be 9riends * 9ine: and i9 he wants to p7ay po8er * that=s 9ine too. 2t p7ease: p7ease don=t ma8e a big dea7 abo2t this: and don=t press2re me abo2t him either. 1o2 two are my best 9riends: and i9 yo2 7ove me and care abo2t me: then yo2 wi77 2nderstand that I don=t want to get 2sed or h2rt again. )nd I=m not interested in a one*night stand.4 .?8ay. /e 2nderstand:4 -arie said: 7etting me go. .Ryan 9rea8in= Christensen: h2h34 She 7oo8ed comp7ete7y astonished. .)re yo2 sure yo2 don=t want to have him >2st 9or one night and then te77 2s a77 abo2t it and maybe ta8e pict2res34 I smir8ed. .!o: abso72te7y not.4 .Bey: it was worth as8ingE4 she teased. Twenty min2tes 7ater I met Ryan and Ca7 at the bac8 door to the p2b. They arrived in an ordinary SUF: and as soon as the car stopped: the two men 7eapt 9rom the vehic7e and darted into my open doorway. .Bey yo2E4 Ryan greeted me with his croo8ed smi7e. .Taryn: this is Ca7.4 .Bi Ca7: it=s nice to meet yo2:4 I said po7ite7y as I he7d o2t my hand. I had never seen him be9ore so there was no ce7ebrity association in my mind when meeting him. Be was >2st another reg27ar person to me.

.Bi TarynE It=s rea77y nice to meet yo2 too.4 Ca7 grinned wide7y at me then 97ashed his eyes and raised his eyebrows at Ryan. I spotted the g2y head*nod ac8now7edgement. .Ryan te77s me yo2 have a nice p7ace here.4 .Than8 yo2E4 I rep7ied. .@7ease: come on in: we=re p7aying o2t in the p2b.4 Ryan and Ca7 9o77owed me o2t o9 the 8itchen. Ca7 gave Ryan a teasing shove. I g2ess I passed the 9riend test. (veryone introd2ced themse7ves and my 9riends were somewhat contained in their emotions: a7tho2gh I can=t deny they were star*str2c8. It=s not every day yo2 have 9amo2s peop7e hanging o2t with yo2. I po2red a beer 9or Ryan and Ca7 and danced my way to the 7arge circ27ar tab7e where we wo27d p7ay. .I 7ove this songE4 @ete grabbed my hands and started to dance with me. /e sh2997ed o2r 9eet 9or a 9ew moments 2nti7 he sp2n me 2nder his arm in the direction o9 my 2s2a7 po8er seat. .1o2 two are craDy:4 Tammy s<2ea7ed. Ryan sat down ne;t to meC he n2dged me with his e7bow be9ore 97ashing me a smi7e. .1o2 8now how to p7ay Te;as Bo7d*em3 /e p7ay 9or money:4 I whispered to him. Be nodded at me and st299ed his hand in his 9ront poc8et: p277ing o2t a wrin87ed wad o9 mi;ed bi77s. I grinned at him. Bis cas2a7 disorganiDation am2sed me 9or some reason. ./e77: since yo2=ve made me e;treme7y wea7thy tonight: Taryn: give me two h2ndred in chips.4 @ete tossed his money across the tab7e. .I=m 9ee7ing 72c8yE4 he said: r2bbing his hands together bris87y. /hi7e I was co2nting o2t @ete=s chips: Ryan was trying to straighten o2t his cash pi7e mess. Be m2st have had a7most a tho2sand on himC I saw severa7 h2ndred*do77ar bi77s when he organiDed them. Aood thing those obsessed 9ans didn=t reach into his poc8etsE @ete was singing a7ong with the song that was p7ayingC he made me 7a2gh with the way he bobbed his head bac8 and 9orth. .Bey @ete:4 Aary ca77ed across the tab7e: .who sings this song34 .-ichae7 2b7PE4 @ete answered pro2d7y: 8nowing that he had the right answer. ./e77 maybe yo2 sho27d 7et him sing it instead3 /hat do yo2 say to that34 ./ait 9or itH here comes the horns.4 )s soon as the tr2mpets started p7aying in the song: @ete ch2c8ed his two midd7e 9ingers at Aary with each beat.

I co27d see Tammy and -arie itching in their seats. oth o9 them 8ept gaDing over at Ca7 and Ryan: 7i8e they were dying to as8 them <2estions. Tammy started to open her mo2th: 7oo8ing at me 9or my approva7. I hoped my disp7eased e;pression wo27d be eno2gh to deter her. -h please dont as" them anything. Tammy he7d 2p her 9inger. .I2st one34 she mo2thed at me. .?ne tiny one34 I 7et o2t a deep sigh and ro77ed my eyes to the cei7ing. Ryan 7oo8ed at me: concerned. ./hat=s wrong34 .-y gir79riends are dying to as8 yo2 <2estionsH no do2bt abo2t yo2r movie: b2t I wish that they wo27d >2st 7eave yo2 be:4 I said with h2mor whi7e trying to 7et them 8now that I was a 7itt7e annoyed. .Can I as8 yo2 >2st one <2estion abo2t SeaH34 Tammy started. .I 8new itE I 8new yo2 wo27dn=t be ab7e to resistE4 @ete 7a2ghed. ./hat is it abo2t this 9rea8in= movie that=s 7i8e crac8 9or yo2 women34 .I=ve been trying to 9ig2re that one o2t myse79:4 Ryan admitted. Be 7oo8ed at me and smi7ed. .0on=t 7oo8 at meE I have no idea:4 I de9ended. .1eah: yo2 didn=t even 8now who Char7es wasE4 Tammy 7a2ghed as she pointed at me. Ryan was sti77 grinning as his eyes 7oc8ed on mine. .I sti77 don=t 8now who Char7es is:4 I admitted. .I=77 te77 yo2 what it is * a77 women 7ove dangero2s bad boys and that=s what the movie is abo2t:4 Tammy stated. .1eah: I g2ess there=s something se;y abo2t some g2y who wants to 8i77 yo2:4 Ryan m2ttered. I gathered that was not the 9irst time he said those words o2t 7o2d >2st by his body 7ang2age. .Bey -arie: get me another beer or I=77 8i77 yo2:4 Aary m2ttered. -arie smac8ed him hard in the arm. ./hat3 I=m >2st trying to be se;y 9or yo2E4 he pointed o2t: p2shing his g7asses bac8 2p his nose. ./hat=s yo2r <2estion: Tammy34 Ryan as8ed: sti77 7a2ghing 9rom Aary=s remar8.

.I was wondering i9 the one scene 9rom boo8 two: where Char7es 9inds Awen b7eeding in the cave: is going to be in the movie34 -arie moved to the edge o9 her chair. She obvio2s7y wanted to 8now the answer to that one too. .1es. It=s a pretty signi9icant scene. /e=ve a7ready 9i7med it:4 Ryan answered. -arie and Tammy 7oo8ed 7i8e they were going to e;p7ode 9rom e;citement. @ete was sha8ing his headC he tho2ght the who7e conversation was abs2rd. .?h @ete: yo2 don=t 2nderstand. Char7es 9inds Awen bare7y a7ive in a cave a9ter she=d been shot. )nd he=s s2pposed to 8i77 her too: b2t instead he ta8es his shirt o99 and wraps it aro2nd her to stop the b7eeding. )nd then she 7oo8s at him and begs him to 8i77 her so the pain wo27d stop: b2t he says he 7oves her too m2ch to 7et her dieH4 Tammy g2shed 7i8e she was going to cry. .)nd34 @ete as8ed. .0oes she die34 .?9 co2rse notE Be:4 she pointed at Ryan: .saves her.4 I g7anced at RyanC he was sitting 9orward in his chair with his head bowed. Be appeared to be s7ight7y 2ncom9ortab7e with the conversation. I 7eaned over to him: wrapped my arm aro2nd the bac8 o9 his chair: and whispered in my worst ritish accent: .I see yo2=ve managed to get yo2r shirt o99.4 Ryan 7oo8ed over at me and 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .It=s a roc8 monsterC it doesn=t have any v27nerab7e spots:4 he rep7ied. Be grinned wide7y and 7eaned even c7oser to me: b2mping his arm into mine. (veryone e7se in the room was ob7ivio2s to o2r movie 7ine re9erences. It was 7i8e we had o2r own secret 7ang2age. .)nd what abo2tH4 Tammy started again b2t I c2t her o99 with a wave o9 my hand. .@7ease: Tammy:4 I p7eaded whi7e Ryan and I were sti77 7eaned c7ose to each other. .0on=t b2g him.4 Ryan <2ic87y ran his 9inger 2nder my chin: apparent7y p7eased that I de9ended him. It 9e7t 7i8e my s8in b2rst into 97ames when he to2ched me. .Bow 7ong 2nti7 yo2 g2ys are 9inished here34 @ete inter>ected <2ic87y. ./e=77 be here 9or another si; wee8s and then we have a brea8 aro2nd Than8sgiving:4 Ryan rep7ied as he p7ay9277y 8ic8ed the bac8 o9 my 9oot. Bis 7itt7e tap made

me smi7e. .Ca7: I 2nderstand yo2=re married to Je77y)nn Aae7: is that right34 Tammy as8ed. .1es. /e >2st had o2r si;th wedding anniversary.4 Ca7 nodded pro2d7y. .Is yo2r wi9e here in Rhode Is7and with yo234 Tammy contin2ed. .!ot yet: b2t she=s 97ying in on Sat2rday with o2r da2ghter: Cami. I >2st 9o2nd a ho2se 9or 2s to rent nearby.4 .I remember watching yo2r wi9e when she was on *ust $eighbors. I 7oved that showE Bow o7d is yo2r da2ghter34 Tammy as8ed. .She=s a7most 9o2r * and <2ite a hand927:4 Ca7 said. .I miss them.4 .It m2st be hard when yo2=re away 9rom yo2r 9ami7y. 2t it=s nice that she=s coming o2t here to see yo2:4 Tammy said. .1eah: it=s hard: b2t we ma8e s2re that the time and space that we=re apart doesn=t divide 2s:4 Ca7 said as he 7oo8ed at Ryan and me. /ith no one the wiser: Ryan stretched his 7eg and rested his 9oot so it was to2ching mine. )s m2ch as I wanted to move my 9oot: I co27dn=t. /hy did he have to sme77 so damn good3 I too8 a deep breath to c7ear o2t the haDe he ca2sed in my brain: straightened 2p in my chair: and moved my 9oot away. /e p7ayed po8er 9or a7most two ho2rs. (veryone was having a good time 7a2ghing: drin8ing: and pic8ing on each other. Ryan and Ca7 were >2st two 9riends having a good time with the rest o9 2s. .Last ro2nd and then I thin8 we need to ta8e a brea8:4 @ete anno2nced as he dea7t the cards. I 8ic8ed Ryan bac8 in the 9oot. Be had 8ic8ed me too many times 2nder the tab7e when I wasn=t paying attention and I owed him one. Aary 7oo8ed at his cards and 9o7ded immediate7y. .Co27dn=t yo2 >2st dea7 me two good cards instead o9 that shit34 he ribbed @ete as he scratched his mo2stache. I 7oo8ed at my cards. @ete dea7t me a ten and an ace 6 both hearts. .I raise 9o2r do77ars:4 I said as I tossed in chips. I had two high cards in the same s2itH not bad to start with. Ryan pee8ed at his cards. .Ca77:4 he m2ttered. I 9e7t his 9oot tap mine. .Ca77:4 Ca7 said: tossing in his chips.

@ete was ta8ing his good o7d time 7oo8ing at his cards. /hi7e we waited: I stretched bac8 in my chair and tapped Ryan in the bac8 o9 his ca79 with the top o9 my 9oot: ca2sing his 7eg to 97y 9orward and his 9oot to s7ap on the 97oor. Be peered at me thro2gh the corner o9 his eye and gave me a dirty 7oo8. Bis evi7 eye didn=t 7ast too 7ong be9ore the s27try grin appeared on his 9ace. 5ina77y @ete co2nted o99 9o2r do77ars in chips and threw them into the pi7e in the center o9 the tab7e. .5o7d:4 Tammy said: tossing her cards to the center o9 the tab7e. .-e too:4 -arie h299ed. .I=m 8eeping my chips.4 @ete 7aid o2t the 57op cards * another ten and two aces. I had a bea2ti927 5277 Bo2se * )ces over Tens. I noticed @ete 9rowned s7ight7y and he sat bac8 a bit in his chair. @ete a7ways sat 9orward when he had a good hand. I co27d te77 he had two 7o2sy cards. .I raise 9o2r:4 I said noncha7ant7y: cas2a77y tossing my chips to the center o9 the tab7e. I didn=t want to give away that I had an awesome hand. Ryan was mang7ing a drin8 swiDD7e straw in his teeth. Be g7anced at me as he s7id the straw aro2nd in his mo2th. Be p7ayed with his chips 9or a moment: and then scratched his eyebrow with his th2mb. Be was sta77ing. .I see yo2r 9o2r and raise yo2 9o2r:4 he rep7ied. .5o7d:4 Ca7 anno2nced sad7y. Be tossed his cards and pressed bac8 in his chair. .)h: I 9o7d too:4 @ete gr2mb7ed. I snic8ered to myse79H I 8new that was coming. It was my t2rn again. I co2nted my chipsC I had si;ty do77ars 7e9t and a strong 5277 Bo2se. I was thin8ing abo2t how Ryan scratched his eyebrow 6 was he nervo2s or b7299ing3 .I=m a77 in.4 I p2shed a77 my chips towards the midd7e o9 the tab7e. Ryan=s eyes narrowed on me and he had a serio2s e;pression on his 9ace. Bis 7ips p2rsed and twitched a bit aro2nd the straw that wigg7ed in his mo2th. .Bow m2ch was that34 he as8ed: nodding at my chips. .Si;ty:4 I rep7ied. Be pic8ed 9i9ty*si; do77ars o99 his pi7e o9 chips and tossed them into the center. Be sti77 had chips 7e9t. .Let=s see what yo2 got: sweetheart.4 Be grinned: raising his eyebrows at me.

I 97ipped my Ten and )ce over. Ryan had two Tens. /e both had 5277 Bo2ses: b2t my hand was higher. /e 7oo8ed at each other and smi7ed. It wasn=t over yet. @ete 7aid o2t the t2rn card. It was a 2se7ess !ine o9 spades. I breathed a sigh o9 re7ie9. I was sti77 winning. The 7ast card: the river card: was a 5o2r o9 diamonds. .1esE4 I said <2iet7y. Ryan ch2c87ed: 8nowing that he >2st 7ost. Be stretched bac8 in his seat: and then ever so cas2a77y patted and r2bbed my bac8 as I p277ed the chip pi7e to my chest. The sensation o9 his to2ch sent a tinge o9 e7ectricity thro2gh my body. Ryan s<2eeDed my sho27ders when we stood 2p to wa78 away 9rom the tab7e. Bis grip 9e7t amaDing on my achy m2sc7es. It had been a 7ong time since I 7et any man get c7ose eno2gh to to2ch me that way. I was starting to t2rn to p2tty 2nder his 9ingers. .Aood p7ayE4 he whispered his private comp7iment in my ear. I 9e7t the warmth that emanated 9rom his 7ips caress my s8in. Bis chest pressed 7ight7y into my bac8. ) mi77ion tiny imp27ses 9ired thro2gh my body. .I=m impressed. Remind me to ta8e yo2 to the casinos sometime:4 Ryan >o8ed with me. Ca7 and Aary wa78ed over to the poo7 tab7e and everyone e7se 9o77owed them. /e a77 needed a short brea8 and a stretch 9rom sitting. I <2ic87y stepped behind the bar and grabbed a meta7 mi;ing c2p: which I sp2n across my pa7m. I hadn=t been in this good o9 a mood in a 7ong time. I >2st started po2ring the vod8a when Ryan >oined me at the bar. ./hat are yo2 ma8ing34 he as8ed. .-ind (rasers.4 I smi7ed. .It=s 9irst brea8 shot time.4 .So2nds goodE I=77 ta8e two:4 Ryan said: win8ing at me. Ryan wa78ed aside o9 me as I carried a tray o9 shot g7asses over to the poo7room. .0on=t yo2 dare try and trip meE4 I >o8ed with him a9ter he gave me a n2dge. I 8ic8ed the bottom o9 his 9oot as he was ta8ing a step. Be started 7a2ghing. .This is a bea2ti927 poo7 tab7e: Taryn:4 Ca7 said. .0o yo2 thin8 we might be ab7e to bring some peop7e 9rom the set here one night3 I thin8 everyone co27d 2se a re7a;ing: 92n night 7i8e this.4 Bis eyes 97ashed over to Ryan. Ryan was nodding in agreement.

.I g2ess so.4 I 7oo8ed over at -arie. .I s2ppose I can sh2t down one night 9or a private party.4 ./e=77 cover yo2r 7osses 9or a night i9 yo2=d be wi77ing to do that 9or 2s:4 Ca7 said. .1o2=77 >2st have to 7et me 8now what night and we can arrange something:4 I rep7ied. Ca7 and Aary p7ayed a game o9 poo7 and then @ete and Ryan p7ayed Ca7 and Aary as teams. @ete and Ryan d2sted them. The g2ys got a7ong great together. .)re we going to p7ay another ro2nd o9 po8er or what34 Ryan as8ed o2t 7o2d as he was p2tting his poo7 stic8 bac8 on the wa77 rac8. .I=d 7i8e an opport2nity to win some o9 my money bac8:4 he 8idded me: giving me a 9inger po8e in my stomach. Bis eyes were abso72te7y mesmeriDing as he 7oo8ed at me. .Aood 72c8 with thatE4 I teased him and t2gged on the straw in his mo2th. Ryan c7amped his teeth down hard on his straw and p7ay9277y snar7ed at me. /e a77 gathered bac8 at the tab7e to p7ay the ne;t ro2nd o9 po8er. (veryone was concentrating on their cardsC it was eeri7y <2iet. Ryan and I had a7ready p2shed and 8ic8ed each other 2nder the tab7e a 9ew times and we were both smi7ing 9rom o2r secret. @ete bro8e the si7ence 9irst. .1o2 8now what I co27d eat right now34 he as8ed o2t 7o2d as he was stac8ing his chips. .@2ssy34 Aary answered immediate7y. .AaryE4 -arie ye7ped and smac8ed him in the arm. Ryan was ta8ing a sip 9rom his g7assC he >2st abo2t spit his beer a77 over himse79: brea8ing o2t in a 7a2gh. ./hat34 Aary 97inched away 9rom -arie. .Be as8ed: I >2st answered. So2nds 7i8e a per9ect7y good thing to eat right now: right g2ys34 .1o2=re driving him homeE4 I pointed at -arie whi7e 7a2ghing. .)7tho2gh I have to agree with Aary: I was act2a77y thin8ing abo2t those >2icy stea8s Taryn gri77ed 9or 2s a co2p7e o9 wee8s ago. They were de7icio2sE4 @ete ran his tong2e over his 7ips. .See3 @ete has >2icy meat on the brain:4 Aary teased. .!o: I thin8 yo2 have >2icy meat on the brain:4 -arie groaned. She shot her e7bow into his ribs.

I smi7ed and 7a2ghed with embarrassment. -y 9riends were n2ts. .Ryan: do yo2 7i8e p2sHstea834 @ete as8ed. .1eah.4 Ryan nodded and smi7ed shy7y. .1o2 a7most as8ed him i9 heHE4 Aary was 7a2ghing hysterica77y as he pointed at @ete. Be co27dn=t even 9inish his own sentence. Be t2rned a 9ew shades o9 red whi7e co2ghing and trying to catch his breath. Ryan 7oo8ed down in embarrassment: b2t he was sti77 grinning when he ro77ed his gaDe over at me. @ete ignored Aary=s o2tb2rst. ./e77 this gir7 here gri77s one he77 o9 a stea8:4 he stated pro2d7y: pointing a 9inger at me. .They were the best stea8s I=ve ever had:4 Tammy agreed. ./hat can I say34 I shr2gged. .It=s good that I get to 2se my co77ege ed2cation.4 ./here did yo2 go to co77ege34 Ryan as8ed conversationa77y. . rown: in @rovidence. (conomicsQ 2siness 6 sir7oin stea8 ma>or:4 I dec7ared. .So are yo2 going to gri77 me another stea8 soon: or what34 @ete wanted to get bac8 to the point. .@ete: yo2 8now I=77 gri77 9or yo2 any day o9 the wee8E4 I 7ove coo8ing 9or my 9riends. .So where do yo2 gri77 these wonder927 stea8s34 Ryan as8ed. .?n the roo9.4 I 7a2ghed. .!o rea77y.4 Ryan 7oo8ed con92sed. .?n the roo9E4 I repeated with a gigg7e. .The top o9 my b2i7ding is 97at. I have a garden patio 2p there. /e have e;ce77ent s2mmer parties: right g2ys34 -y 9riends a77 con9irmed. .1o2 can see the ocean 9rom 2p there too:4 I contin2ed. .) stea8 does so2nd good right now:4 Ca7 agreed. .?8ay: 7et me as8 this. Bow many peop7e were yo2 thin8ing abo2t having here 9or this private party34 I as8ed Ca7. .-aybe ten or twe7ve peop7e34 he s2mmed. .)nd wo27d yo2 mind i9 my 9o2r 9riends here attend this gathering34 I as8ed. .S2re: they=re we7come. )bso72te7y:4 Ca7 con9irmed. .1o2 te77 me what night: and I=77 gri77 stea8s. Bow does that so2nd3 Then everyone

wi77 be re7a;ed: happy: and we77*9ed.4 Ryan s7id his 9oot 2nder my 7eg. ?2r 7egs were to2ching now 2nder the tab7e and I was hyper*aware o9 his presence. ./e=77 chec8 everyone=s sched27e and get bac8 to yo2. Is that a77 right34 Ca7 as8ed. .S2re. I2st so yo2 8now I have entertainment boo8ed 9or 5riday and Sat2rday: b2t we can do a wee8night or S2nday i9 that s2ites yo2. I2st give me eno2gh notice so I can get the stea8s.4 /e p7ayed 9or another ho2rC -arie started to yawn. .)re yo2 ready3 It=s getting 7ate.4 She grabbed Aary=s arm and started to p277 him 2p o2t o9 his chair. .?h man: been sitting too 7ongH my hip h2rts:4 Aary moaned. .-arie: yo2=re going to have to get on top tonightE4 Be grinned. Ryan and I co27d not stop 7a2ghing. (veryone started sha8ing hands and having those brie9 .it was nice to meet yo2 6 see yo2 7ater4 conversations. Ca7 2sed his ce77 phone to ca77 9or their driver. I was sad to see the night come to an endC it seemed to 97y by so 9ast with Ryan here. I wa78ed my 9riends to the door and 7oc8ed 2p behind them. Ryan and Ca7 wo27d 7eave by the bac8 door. Ca7 departed 9or the bathroom: 7eaving me a77 a7one with Ryan. I started to c7ean 2p. .I had a really great time tonight.4 Ryan smi7ed and set a 9ew empty g7asses on the bar. .1o2r 9riends are great.4 .Than8sE4 I smi7ed bac8. .I=m sorry abo2t the <2estions tho2gh.4 Ryan shr2gged his sho27ders. .0on=t worry abo2t it.4 .I=m g7ad everyone had 92n:4 I said: even tho2gh I tr27y meant I was g7ad that he had 92n. .I=77 ca77 yo2 when we 9ig2re o2t what night we can do this party gathering: o8ay3 Um: so what n2mber sho27d I ca7734 Ryan as8ed. I stopped in my trac8s and smi7ed to myse79. ./hat n2mber wo27d yo2 7i8e to ca7734 I as8ed: 8nowing what he was tr27y getting at. I >2st wanted him to say it. .I=d 7i8e the n2mber that I as8ed 9or: b2t I=m not s2re I=m going to get it:4 he said. Be grinned at me as he too8 a new -itche77=s @2b nap8in o2t o9 the ho7der and t2rned it over.

I too8 a deep breath and pic8ed 2p the pen ne;t to the register. I <2estioned my own actions as I wrote my ce77 phone n2mber down. -y 9riends were the on7y ones who had my ce77 n2mber. I >2sti9ied that he and I were becoming 9riends too. Ryan=s smi7e was h2ge. .Than8 yo2E4 Be <2ic87y snatched 2p the nap8in and shoved it in his poc8et. I wa78ed both o9 them to the bac8 door and Ca7 than8ed me 9or an e;ce77ent evening. Be gave me an aw8ward h2g be9ore p2tting his coat on. Their car p277ed 2p in the a77ey and Ca7 patted Ryan=s arm be9ore heading o2t the door. Ryan 7oo8ed down at me and smi7ed as he too8 a step c7oser. Be wrapped his arms aro2nd my sho27ders and p277ed me in to give me a nice h2g. Sensations: 7ong s2ppressed: roc8eted thro2gh me when o2r bodies to2ched. Bis body pressed into mine when he h2gged me tighter. I a77owed myse79 a moment to appreciate his warmth: his scent: the 9ee7 o9 his bac8 m2sc7es on my hands: the en>oyment this h2g gave me. Ryan=s hand gent7y crad7ed the bac8 o9 my head: his 9ingers s7ipped into my hair. Be 8issed me so9t7y on my 9oreheadC his 7ips 7ingered 9or an e;tra second or two be9ore he re7eased o2r embrace. .I=77 see yo2 soon:4 he whispered so9t7y: too8 a 9ew steps bac8: and s7ipped o2t the bac8 door.

Chapter . Connections

.So: did he try to 8iss yo2 7ast night34 -arie breathed in my ear. .!o.4 I shoo8 my head: annoyed that she even as8ed. .1o2 promisedE4 I reminded her. .1eah: I 8now. I=m not p2shingE I >2st wanted to 8now i9 that=s the reason yo2=re 9ina77y smi7ing. So he didn=t try to 8iss yo234 I opened a new case o9 bott7ed beer. .!o. Be didn=t 8iss meH on my 7ips.4 I trai7ed the 7ast part o9 my sentence hoping she wo27dn=t catch it. She started to >2mp 2p and down. .Come onE I=m dying hereE4 .Be gave me a h2g: o8ay34 I <2iet7y m2ttered. .)nd he sort o9 8issed my 9orehead.4 I shr2gged it o99 and contin2ed to p2t more bott7es into the coo7er. .Remember: yo2 can=t say anything to anyone abo2t them being here. I=m not going to have my p2b and my 9riends invo7ved in any media circ2s. Aot that3 !ot one wordE4 I said to her private7y. She twisted her 9ingers over her 7ips and then crac8ed a coc8y smi7e at me. .I=m warning yo2E I=m pretty s2re I can shove yo2r entire body in this coo7er. !o one wi77 9ind yo2 in thereE4 -arie ignored me and t2rned the TF channe7 in time to catch the seven o=c7oc8 entertainment news. Ber e;c2se was to see i9 o2r p2b made it to the te7evision version o9 ce7ebrity gossip: b2t I 8new better. -y attention was diverted to the screen when I heard his name mentioned. ./e got Ryan Christensen arriving at L)R this a9ternoon...4 some g2y on TF said. Ryan was 9i7med as he h2rried thro2gh the airport. I was than8927 that he had severa7 sec2rity g2ards aro2nd himC the photographers and peop7e b2gging him 9or his a2tograph were re7ent7ess. I wondered i9 those 7eeches did nothing a77 day b2t 72r8 aro2nd the airport

waiting 9or ce7ebrities. ./hat=s he doing in L.).34 -arie as8ed o2t 7o2d. She seemed >2st as s2rprised as I was. .Shh: I want to hear this:4 I whispered. Ryan=s 9ace togg7ed between a b7an8 stare and moments o9 annoyance as the cameramen who chased him as8ed him st2pid <2estions. To me: he 7oo8ed tired. They managed to 9i7m him signing an a2tograph or two be9ore he >2mped into an awaiting car at the c2rb. I was s2rprised that he was on the /est Coast. Be didn=t mention anything 7ast night abo2t getting on a p7ane today * b2t then again why wo27d he. It was soon a9ter that when my phone b2DDed in my poc8et. -y th2mb hit the b2ttons to retrieve a new te;t message. To my amaDement: someone sent me a bea2ti927 pict2re o9 red and white 97owers. I immediate7y smi7ed. I had never received virt2a7 97owers be9ore. The te;t message read" .Areetings 9rom L)4 2tter97ies instant7y 972ttered into my stomach. I te;ted him bac8. ./ho is this34 I didn=t want to 7et on that I 8new where he was: even tho2gh I had on7y 9o2nd o2t a 9ew min2tes ago. I read his rep7y. .Jnight who says !i34 I 7a2ghed o2t 7o2d 9rom Ryan=s movie re9erence. .1o2 are 92nny. /hy r2 in L)34 .Interview n meeting with my agent n prod2cer b bac8 th2rs4 .R 2 having 92n34 I sent bac8. ) 9ew moments 7ater: he sent another message" .not rea77y4 .Sorry to hear that4 I rep7ied: adding a sad 9ace emoticon. .Can I ca77 2 7ater tonight34 .S2re4 I <2ic87y typed. It was a7most three in the morning when I craw7ed into bed. Since Ryan and his 9riends had been in the p2b on Sat2rday my c2stomer co2nt seemed to rise. I 7a2ghed to myse79 considering most o9 the new crowd was 9ema7e. )s I 7ay there: I became <2ite absorbed in my tho2ghts o9 how pathetic some o9 his 9ans were. ?ne gir7 was even wearing a T*shirt with Ryan=s 9ace on it tonight.

I wondered how Ryan 9e7t abo2t that. -ost men wo27d probab7y 7ove the attention and get h2ge egos 9rom it: b2t I co27dn=t see Ryan being into that at a77. Be was m2ch too modest. I g2essed things 7i8e that probab7y made him very 2ncom9ortab7e. -arie and I h2st7ed again tonight: and it was on7y a T2esday. I was thin8ing abo2t as8ing Tammy i9 she wanted to wor8 wee8ends to he7p o2t whi7e the ce7ebrities were sti77 in town. ?nce they were gone: things wo27d go bac8 to norma7. 2t there were too many c2stomers 9or >2st -arie and me to hand7e on o2r own. Maybe I should hire some additional help# I ould use a third bartender% I started to yawnC my eye7ids were very heavy. I p277ed my com9orter higher over my sho27der: sn2gg7ing even deeper. I 9e7t myse79 dri9ting when I was start7ed by my ce77 phone ratt7ing on my nightstand. I 7oo8ed at the n2mber: b2t the screen showed .!? !U- (R.4 .Be77o34 I whispered. -y voice de9inite7y so2nded groggy when I spo8e. .Bi. Sorry to ca77 so 7ate. /ere yo2 s7eeping34 Ryan whispered. .!oH a7most. Bow are yo234 )nother big yawn s7ipped o2t 9rom my chest. .I=m tired too. It=s been a 7ong day:4 he said g72m7y. ./hat time is it there34 I g7anced over at my a7arm c7oc8 b2t I was too o2t o9 it to do time Done math. .It=s a7most midnight:4 he breathed o2t with a sigh. .Than8 yo2 9or the 97owersE4 I whispered. .That was c2te. 1o2 de9inite7y too8 me by s2rprise.4 Be <2iet7y 7a2ghed. .Aood:4 he 2ttered. Considering he ca77ed me: his response was odd7y brie9. .So what are yo2 doing34 I co27d on7y imagine the g7amoro2s movie star st299 he m2st be 2p to. .I=m in my hote7 room. I >2st got bac8.4 y the way his ce77 phone crac87ed: it so2nded 7i8e he was b2sy getting sett7ed in. .Bmm. 0id yo2 have a good day34 I m2rm2red: trying to ma8e conversation. I sn2gg7ed deeper into my b7an8et. .It was a77 right: I g2ess. I=m g7ad it=s over.4 0espite his response: the tone o9 his voice was o99 * way o99. I co27d te77 he was tro2b7ed. .Ryan: what=s wrong3 )re yo2 o8ay34 -y eyes popped open and I sat 2p in bed:

overwhe7med with concern abo2t his we77*being. .Something is wrong.4 Be sighed. .Bow can yo2 te7734 Be so2nded s2rprised that I co27d read him 7i8e that. .I >2st can. I can hear it in yo2r voice.4 .I=77 be a77 right. Sometimes my 7i9e gets 9rea8ing insane. Today was one o9 those days.4 Bis voice tremb7ed and he sni99ed a 9ew times. I co27d te77 he was 7ying. Be wasn=t a77 right. I too8 a deep breath: pict2ring him h2dd7ed 2p with his head between his arms again 7i8e that 9irst day in my stairwe77. .0o yo2 want to ta78 abo2t it34 I o99ered. I 7istened as he b7ew air into his phone. .)h: I don=t 8now i9 ta78ing abo2t it wi77 ma8e a di99erence:4 he m2ttered. Be and I were so m2ch a7i8e. !ow it was his t2rn to sit there 9ee7ing sorry 9or himse79. .Bmm. I have an idea. /hy don=t yo2 craw7 2nder yo2r b7an8et and te77 me a77 abo2t it.4 5or a moment I wished I co27d c7imb thro2gh the phone to com9ort him. Be ch2c87ed 7ight7y. .Can yo2 ho7d on a min2te3 I need to set the phone down.4 .S2re:4 I whispered. I co27d hear that he was shi9ting aro2nd. I imagined him getting 2ndressedH the 7ight hairs on his stomach pee8ing above an e7astic band. I wonder what he loo"s li"e na"ed# Be 7et o2t a big sigh: disr2pting my tho2ght. .)re yo2 better34 I as8ed. .-2ch:4 he rep7ied: b2t I didn=t be7ieve him. I too8 in a deep breath and e;ha7ed ro2gh7y. .1o2 don=t so2nd very convincing.4 Be 7a2ghed so9t7y. I co27d >2st te77 by his 7ac8 o9 answers that he was 2pset. .)re yo2 2nder yo2r b7an8et yet34 I whispered sed2ctive7y: hoping that might cheer him 2p. .1es:4 he snic8ered. .C7ose yo2r eyesH and re7a;. I2st 7isten to my voice. Ta8e a deep breath... Let it o2t... I2st breathe.4 I wanted so desperate7y to ta8e his worries away. The 9ee7ings were overpowering. .1o2=re 7ying on a so9t b7an8et on a white sand beach. The s8y above is a deep and c7o2d7ess b72e...4 I pa2sed to 7et him soa8 the imagery in.

.The s2n 9ee7s warm on yo2r 9ace... yo2 can hear the so2nd o9 the ocean as the waves s7ow7y ro77 in. 1o2 can 9ee7 the gent7e breeDe g7ide over yo2r s8in as it r2st7es thro2gh the treesH 9ee7 the stress 7eave yo2r bodyH thro2gh yo2r 9ingersH thro2gh yo2r toes.4 ) so9t .-mm4 s7ipped 9rom his throat. .This is nice.4 .-mm: what=s nice34 I breathed o2t. .This... 5ee7ing at peaceH 1o2.4 .Bmm:4 I so9t7y sighed into the phone: happy to 8now my words he7ped him re7a;. .I wish I was there with yo2:4 he whispered. .I wish yo2 were here too:4 I whispered so9t7y. )9ter the words came o2t o9 my mo2th: there was no ta8ing them bac8 b2t it didn=t matter: I didn=t want to ta8e them bac8. -y words came 9rom my heart and not my head. @art o9 me hoped he rea77y meant what he said. Ryan ca77ed me three times on /ednesday >2st to say he77o and as8 me how my day was going. I was comp7ete7y 97oored that he ca77ed me so many times. Be had ta78ed to Ca7 and the p7an was that the private gathering wo27d be he7d ne;t S2nday at the p2b. The entire cast had been invited: b2t not everyone was e;pected to attend. The 7ast head co2nt was eight. The third time Ryan ca77ed: it was midnight in L.). and his ob7igations there were comp7eted. Be wo27d be departing at noon o2t o9 L)R to 0etroit and then 0etroit to @rovidence. Be=d be bac8 in town Th2rsday evening. I 7a2ghed to myse79 that he 9e7t the need to 8eep me 2p*to*date on his itinerary. I didn=t even have to as8C he vo72nteered the in9ormation 9irst. It was 8ind o9 c2te. /e were both sn2gg7ed in o2r beds as he 9i77ed me in on his day. Be had an interview on a ta78 show and then a 7ate meeting with some prod2cer and his agent and manager abo2t an 2pcoming movie pro>ect they want him to star in. )7tho2gh Ryan wo27dn=t direct7y admit it: I got the impression that some o9 his career decisions were being made 9or him and that he was >2st s2pposed to agree with what they said. Ryan=s 9ame and pop27arity were so new and 9resh that he was being swept away with it a77. These movie mog27s were a77 going to stri8e whi7e the iron was hot. I didn=t need to be part o9 his wor7d to recogniDe that. Ryan was a new toy 9or themC his movie made mi77ions o9 do77ars and it was easy to vis2a7iDe the greed in Bo77ywood ta8ing over 7i8e an

evi7 s2cc2b2s. /hi7e I 7istened to his voice I a77owed my imagination to r2n 9ree as I pict2red what it wo27d be 7i8e to have him 7ying ne;t to me * so c7ose that I co27d to2ch him: soothe him: protect him 9rom the insanity. 3gh! What am I thin"ing# I had to stop myse79 9rom thin8ing those tho2ghts. /e ta78ed 9or a7most three ho2rsC the birds were a7ready starting to wa8e 2p and chirp o2tside my window. /e started opening 2p to each other and o2r conversation became more persona7. Be to7d me that he grew 2p in a sma77 town in western @ennsy7vania and that his parents sti77 7ived in the same ho2se to this day. Bow he once had a Iac8 R2sse77 Terrier named ai7ey who 2sed to dig ho7es in the yard. I to7d him abo2t the >ob o99er I had accepted at a 7arge bro8erage 9irm in -anhattan: and why I had to t2rn it down when my 9ather died s2dden7y. I was a wee8 away 9rom moving. Ryan to7d me abo2t the 7ead actress that he has to wor8 with on these movies and how she sometimes behaved 7i8e a spoi7ed brat. Be ca77ed her . chi7d actress 9rom London who recent7y t2rned twenty*one. (ven tho2gh they were 9riends: she sometimes annoyed the hec8 o2t o9 him: and it tic8ed him o99 that a77 the gossip magaDines were spreading 7ies abo2t them being romantica77y 7in8ed. She had tagged a7ong with him the night he came into my p2b. Thro2gho2t o2r conversation: we 7a2ghed and teased. Be was so easy to ta78 to. 2t he a7ways seemed hesitant to ta78 abo2t what was tr27y bothering him. I co27d sense there were 2nder7ying iss2es: however he never went into detai7s and I didn=t want to pry. I co27d hear it in his voice that there were things that he wasn=t sharing. It was Th2rsday: ear7y evening: when -arie 97ipped thro2gh the channe7s on the p2b te7evision. Ryan had given a brie9 interview with one o9 the evening entertainment news shows and it was being broadcasted today. It was strange watching him on te7evision. (ven tho2gh the voice was the same: the ce7ebrity image on the screen was disconnected 9rom the man I was trying so desperate7y not to 9a77 9or over the te7ephone. 2t some things were the sameC he was charming and shy and s7ight7y 2ncom9ortab7e with a77 the attention d2ring the interview. I noticed his nervo2s :4 as a77 the tab7oids re9erred to her as the ritish ombshe77: b2t she was better 8nown as S2Danne Strass. She was a 9ormer

twitches and mannerisms when they as8ed <2estions that he was 2ncom9ortab7e with. Sti77: he was h2mb7e and very adorab7e. )nd then my heart 7odged into my throat when I saw the additiona7 9ootage o9 him being swept thro2gh a hysterica7 crowd by si; b278y sec2rity g2ards. )t one point I wasn=t s2re i9 he was even wa78ing on his own or i9 the sec2rity team was >2st carrying him. The 9ans were reaching 9or him 6 ho7ding cameras over their heads 9or >2st the random chance that they might get his photo. ?thers were ho7ding pict2res o9 him hoping to get his a2tograph. ) 9ew women were crying and hyperventi7ating >2st 9rom getting a g7impse o9 him. The sec2rity team practica77y h2r7ed him into the awaiting carC his 9ans were screaming and b7oc8ing his car in the road. -obs o9 paparaDDi were everywhere. I gripped the edge o9 the bar as my 8nees started to b2c87e. Be was the prey being sta78ed by the wo7ves. )t that moment: I rea7iDed the magnit2de o9 what he was sparing me 9rom. It wasn=t that he was the s2perstar adored by mi77ions that made me wea8. It was the 9ee7ing that I wanted to throw myse79 in their path to protect him that was most power927. )n ho2r 7ater my ce77 phone b2DDed in my poc8et. Ryan was te;ting me" .Bi I=m bac84 I <2ic87y sent him a rep7y" .Bi r 2 o834 .1eah why 2 as834 .!othing g7ad to hear 2r bac8 sa9e4 I co27dn=t te77 him why I was worried. ./e r shootn night scenes gonna b a 7ate one4 I smi7ed when I saw the sad smi7ey 9ace. .dont wor8 too hard have 92n4 .I=77 try to ca77 2 soon o834 .?84 I was re7ieved to 8now he was bac8 in Rhode Is7and: away 9rom that Ca7i9ornia craDiness: a7tho2gh it appeared that some o9 that craDiness 9o77owed him wherever he went. /e were very b2sy 9or a wee8night. It seemed that his h2ge 9ema7e 9an base that swarmed my p2b had attracted a new se7ection o9 ma7e c2stomers 6 everyone was on the h2nt 6 and the odds were better i9 yo2 were a man. .It=s 7i8e 9rea8ing mating seasonE4 I ye77ed over to -arie.

She snorted at me. .I 8nowE It=s sic8: isn=t it34 .I don=t 8now i9 I sho27d be appa77ed or than8927:4 I 7a2ghed bac8 to her. .I=m e;treme7y than8927E4 She bobbed her head bac8 and 9orth and st299ed a 9ew more do77ars into o2r tip >ar. .AoE 5ind a mateE4 she teased me. I wasn=t opposed to 9inding someone and having 7ove be a part o9 my 7i9e again: b2t every g2y I came across was odd7y the same. Lame approaches: cheap comments: scary aggressive behavior: or >2st not what I was 7onging 9or. )t this point in my 7i9e I didn=t 9ee7 the need to sett7e nor have to ma8e d2e with ha79 o9 nothing. It was a9ter three a.m. again when I craw7ed into bed. -y hands h2rt 9rom washing so many dirty g7asses and empty beer pitchers tonight and it bothered me that I co27dn=t c2r7 them 2nderneath my chin 7i8e I norma77y did to s7eep. I never tried to b2y into the 9airyta7es that most gir7s 9e77 9or: b2t 9or a moment I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d rea77y re7ate to Cindere77a: being 9orced to c7ean 2p a9ter a77 o9 the wic8ed and 2ngrate927. I was sti77 thin8ing abo2t Cindere77a periodica77y thro2gho2t the ne;t day. I wondered why she never >2st snapped and to7d her evi7 stepmother and stepsisters to go to he77. /o27d things have been di99erent 9or her i9 she had a baseba77 bat t2c8ed 2p 2nder her apron and didn=t need @rince Charming to come and resc2e her3 Why wont this sti "y stuff ome up off the bar# )ow hard do I need to s rub# .Bey: 8iddoE Bow yo2 doing tonight34 @ete as8ed: dr2mming his hands on the bar. I was so 7ost in my own tho2ghts whi7e sco2ring the top o9 the bar that his dr2mming start7ed me. -y eyes 9oc2sed in on his beaming 9ace as I tried to sha8e my brain bac8 into rea7ity. .I=m doing a77 right:4 I answered: 9orcing myse79 to smi7e. ./e sho27d have a good 5riday night crowd tonight:4 he said enth2siastica77y. I smi7ed wider when he raised his eyebrows 2p and down at me. .5ran8 and the g2ys >2st p277ed 2p. I=m going to see i9 they need a hand 2n7oading:4 @ete in9ormed. C2stomers were 9i7tering in whi7e tonight=s band set 2p their e<2ipment. -y head was s7ow7y getting bac8 into the game as my ear7ier distractions became rep7aced with >2gg7ing a m27tit2de o9 drin8 orders.

)s the evening progressed: the crowd grew thic8er and the m2sic became 7o2der: and I 9o2nd myse79 97owing and dancing behind the bar again. Tammy had agreed to wor8 a 9ew wee8ends: so I had her covering tab7es. There were two men sitting at the bar that -arie 9e7t I sho27d be interested in. She 8ept n2dging me in their direction b2t I co27dn=t stop envisioning them having giant springs attached to their nec8s 9rom the way their heads 8ept nodding at me. ./hat=s wrong with yo234 -arie said as she p2t her arm aro2nd my sho27ders. .That one in the baseba77 hat is c2teE Ao 97irt with himE4 I ha79*hearti7y smi7ed and made a cho8ing so2nd. .0on=t give me that shitE4 she snapped. .1o2 need to be brave and get bac8 on the damn horseE4 Ber hand crac8ed me on my bac8side. -r. aseba77 Bat had >2st waved his empty g7ass at me when my phone vibrated in my poc8et. -y heart 97ipped in my chest. .Be77o34 I answered: very m2ch 8nowing whose voice was going to respond. I had to cover my ear to hear him. .Bi 6 how are yo234 Ryan as8ed. .I=m greatE Bow are yo234 I was gen2ine7y happy to hear 9rom him. Ryan was momentari7y distracted by a side conversation. I heard him and another man e;changing words. .Bey man: how=s it going34 Why does that voi e sound so familiar to me# .It=s going great:4 Ryan rep7ied with a 7ight ch2c87e. .Aood to see ya. !ah: >2st go on in:4 the ma7e voice stated. .Than8sE Bey I=77 see yo2 7ater:4 Ryan said. .I=m thirsty:4 Ryan in9ormed: answering my origina7 <2estion. .I=d rea77y 7i8e a beer p7ease.4 I 7oo8ed 2p to see that he was twenty 9eet in 9ront o9 me: wa78ing towards the bar. Be had a big: se;y grin on his 9ace as he s7ipped his phone into his >ac8et poc8et. Ryan was the center man in a pac8 o9 9o2r other g2ys. I recogniDed Ca7 right away. ?ne o9 the other men 7oo8ed 9ami7iar 6 7i8e I=d seen him in a movie or something be9ore b2t I didn=t 8now who he was. The other two had to be private sec2rity 6 they 7oo8ed 7i8e they

co27d h2rt someone. .Bey yo2E4 Ryan greeted me with that smi7e that made my 8nees wea8. .BiE4 -y tone was 2nintentiona77y a mi;t2re o9 s2rprise and annoyance. I was very g7ad to see him b2t now I=d have to dea7 with crowd contro7 and his psychotic 9ans invading my p2b. I 7oo8ed behind him and s2re eno2gh ha79 a doDen gigg7ing gir7s traipsed thro2gh the door. Ca7 moved into the space ne;t to Ryan. ?bvio2s7y it was boys= night o2t. .Taryn: this is Shane Richards:4 Ryan said as he waved his hand in Shane=s direction. Shane was ta77 and over7y thin: with 2n8empt brown hair. Be 7oo8ed 7i8e he sho27d be in a roc8 band instead o9 being a movie star. Regard7ess: his smi7e was daDD7ing. ./hat wo27d yo2 gent7emen 7i8e to drin8 this evening34 I tried to be cordia7 as more over7y e;cited women came in. The second they saw Ryan and his 9riends: their demeanor t2rned to b2bb7ing e;2berance. /hi7e the g2ys 7oo8ed over my beer men2: the coyotes descended. Ryan was 7i8e a h2ge chic8 magnet: even tho2gh Shane and Ca7 were e<2a77y as handsome. In no time at a77: the brave ones in the crowd tried to coDy 2p to the actors. I tapped a beer 9or each o9 them and with every second that I had to watch a77 the over*Dea7o2s gir7s 97irting I became more and more irritated. I p7aced the 7ast beer on the bar when Ryan as8ed what he owed me. I waved my hand. .!othing. It=s on me.4 I smi7ed. -y smi7e: however: <2ic87y 9aded a9ter seeing even more gigg7ing women r2sh thro2gh my door. I h2rried o2t 9rom behind the barC I was on a mission to stop the invasion. .@ete: no more peop7e get in:4 I inadvertent7y bar8ed at him. .?8ay:4 he rep7ied a tad de9ensive7y. .Sorry 6 are there too many peop7e in there now34 .!o: b2t we=ve 9i77ed o2r <2ota o9 obsessive 9ans:4 I snapped as I eyed the gir7s who were waiting to pay the cover charge. .@eop7e need to get a 9rea8ing 7i9e:4 I m2mb7ed to myse79 and stomped my way bac8 to the bar. Ryan and his 9riends were sti77 standing by the bar b2t now women s2rro2nded them on a77 sides. Tramp! Slut! sho2ted in my brain as I stormed past them. Ryan=s gaDe 9o77owed me b2t I didn=t 7oo8 at him. I stepped bac8 behind the bar and 9or a moment entertained the

idea o9 smashing some gir7s with my baseba77 bat. I p2rpose7y re7ocated myse79 as 9ar away as possib7e 9rom him and the gagg7e o9 women: which 7anded me direct7y in 9ront o9 -r. aseba77 Bat. I n2dged -arie in Ryan=s direction. 5ort2nate7y my p2b was pac8ed and I was h2st7ing ma8ing one drin8 a9ter another. I made a conscio2s e99ort not to 7oo8 9or him or in his direction: even tho2gh it was hard. ?ccasiona77y I=d a77ow myse79 a <2ic8 pee8: b2t I never 7et my eyes 7inger. .)re yo2 mad that he=s here34 -arie whispered in my ear. I shoo8 my head whi7e I prepared two vod8a tonics. ./e77 yo2 7oo8 mad:4 she 7a2ghed at me. ./hat=s wrong34 .I=m a77ergic to whores:4 I m2mb7ed 2nder my breath. .?h: I see. Iea7o2s: not mad:4 she corrected. I h299ed o2t 7o2d. .Bow am I s2pposed to compete with a77 o9 that34 I nodded at the crowd o9 women. .)hh: it doesn=t matter.4 .1o2=re 92c8ed 2pE4 -arie snapped bac8 at me whi7e she was mi;ing a drin8. .I9 yo2 haven=t rea7iDed it yet: he=s in your bar. Be=s being nice to them: b2t he is far 9rom 97irting with any o9 them. Be=s too b2sy watching you to notice them.4 I grimaced when she n2dged me to spea8 private7y. .)nd another thing: i9 yo2=re going to be >ea7o2s: then that means yo2 7i8e him more than yo2=re wi77ing to admit. This shit is a part o9 his 7i9e:4 she noted and waved her hands towards the wa77 o9 gir7s. .It comes with the territory so yo2 need to decide whether yo2 can dea7 with that or not.4 She stood right in 9ront o9 me and grabbed my wrist. .Taryn: yo2 are so attractive and 7ovab7e. (veryone sees it. )e sees it. 2t yo2 are the on7y one who doesn=t. 1o2=ve 7et 7ow7i9es 7i8e Thomas strip away yo2r se79*esteem. )nd it=s pretty apparent that Ryan 7i8es yo2: beca2se he=s not paying any attention to them.4 I 7oo8ed away 9rom her to notice he was watching me. I2st then -r. aseba77 hat waved his money in the air. .I=ve got to wait on someone.4 I wigg7ed 9ree 9rom her grip. .0o yo2 need another one34 I as8ed. .Bi. -y name is Iesse. /hat=s yo2rs34 -r. aseba77 Bat as8ed.

.Taryn:4 I said with a 9orced smi7e. .So Taryn: do yo2 wor8 here every wee8end34 .Um: yes.4 )ere we go again'standard lame approa h% .0o yo2 8now what the band=s name is that=s p7aying tonight34 he as8ed. .They ca77 themse7ves G eing 5ran8.= 0o yo2 7i8e them34 )ow presumptuous of me4 hes !ust trying to be friendly% .1eah: they are rea77y goodE 2t serio2s7y: te77 me that g2y doesn=t 7oo8 7i8e )rt Aar92n8e7E4 Bis comment made me 7a2gh. /e a77 teased 5ran8 beca2se he did 7oo8 7i8e )rt Aar92n8e7. .1o2 see it too: don=t yo234 -r. aseba77 Bat >o8ed with me: 7a2ghing o2t 7o2d. .It=s the hairE4 I nodded in agreement. -y mind 97ashed bac8 to 5ran8 p2tting @ete in a head*7oc8 one night 9or that comment. .I can=t say that I disagree with yo2. 1es: he does 7oo8 >2st 7i8e him.4 I 7a2ghed. . 2t whatever yo2 do: don=t ma8e that comment to himE4 I was wiping the tear o9 7a2ghter away 9rom my eye when I noticed Ryan sit down three bar stoo7s away 9rom my new admirer. Standing d2ti9277y behind him was one o9 his bodyg2ards. .So Taryn: I was wondering i9 yo2=d 7i8e to go o2t with me sometime. Ao have some 92n. /hat do yo2 thin834 -r. aseba77 Bat cho8ed o2t. Something abo2t the nervo2s 7oo8 on his 9ace was 92nny to me. ) sma77 ch2c87e accidenta77y escaped my throat. The poor g2y 7oo8ed s7ight7y petri9ied b2t yet he 9o2nd a moment o9 bravery: and here I was being r2de. I <2ic87y 97ashed my eyes over to Ryan. Ryan=s body sti99ened in his seat and I noticed his grip got tighter on his g7ass. It 7oo8ed 7i8e he was ho7ding his breath. .I=m very 97attered: Iesse. 2t I=m going to have to say no. Sorry.4 I was act2a77y watching Ryan=s reaction o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye. Ryan 7et o2t a big sigh as his 7ips twitched into a smir8. I thin8 he act2a77y wanted to smi7e b2t 9o2ght the emotion. I didn=t hide mine 6 I 7et the smi7e come o2t on my 9ace. .I 9ig2red yo2 had a boy9riend anyway b2t it co27dn=t h2rt to as8.4 Iesse shr2gged.

Ryan 9inished his beer and s7id his empty g7ass 9orward on the bar. .(;c2se me: miss: can I get another beer p7ease34 he said with a con9ident smi7e. I grabbed his empty g7ass and tapped him a 9resh beer in a c7ean: 9rosted m2g. I set the g7ass down and t2rned the hand7e o9 the m2g so he=d be ab7e to pic8 it right 2p in his hand. Be s7ipped a ten*do77ar bi77 on the bar and win8ed at me. I 7e9t his money 7ay ne;t to his g7ass and wa78ed awayC I had to wait on another c2stomer and I had no intentions o9 accepting his money. I was wondering where -arie disappeared to when I noticed that she was over by the stage ta78ing to 5ran8. I watched as Ryan and his bodyg2ard wa78ed bac8 to the tab7e to >oin his 9riendsC a 97oc8 o9 women trai7ed behind him. I had to s2ppress my anger. /hen the band 9inished their song: 5ran8 started ta78ing in the microphone. .Ladies and Aent7emen: we have a very ta7ented 7ady here with 2s tonight: and i9 yo2 give her some enco2ragement: maybe we can convince her to come 2p here and p7ay 9or yo2.4 I 7oo8ed 2p and scanned the crowd 9or the person he was ta78ing abo2t. I started to c7ap with everyone e7se. .Taryn:4 5ran8 ca77ed o2t as he 7oo8ed at me. ./hy don=t yo2 come 2p here and p7ay 9or these nice 9o78s34 -y c7apping hands stopped c7apping. It 9e7t 7i8e my hands were g72ed together. .?h: no.4 -y head sp2n as the shoc8 set in. .!oE4 .Come on: TarynE ?ne songE4 5ran8 >eered. .Come on everyone: 7et=s give her a warm we7comeE4 .!o.4 I was sha8ing my head so hard I was ma8ing myse79 diDDy. .!o: I can=t.4 -arie grabbed my arm and 9orce9277y p277ed me o2t 9rom behind the bar. .Ao show Gem how specia7 yo2 are:4 she whispered in my ear then gave me a shove towards the stage. -y heart was beating so hard in my chest I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d pass o2t. .Remind me to 9ire yo2 a9ter this:4 I griped at her. The crowd c7apped as I made my way to my piano. I was so embarrassed. ./hat am I s2pposed to p7ay34 I as8ed 5ran8. ./hatever yo2 want:4 he answered. ./e=77 try to bac8 yo2.4 I too8 a deep breath and ad>2sted my piano bench. It had been <2ite a whi7e since I p7ayed in 9ront o9 peop7e and now was not the best time 9or a panic attac8.

I ran thro2gh the songs that I 8new by heart. -y eyes g7anced across the crowded p2b and I saw Ryan standing and watching me. )s I tho2ght o9 him: one partic27ar song came to mind. .-mm: than8 yo2.4 I ad>2sted the microphone to my 7ips and b7ew o2t a heavy sigh to get my nerves in chec8. .This song is one o9 my a77 time 9avorites and I hope yo2 7i8e it. )hm: it=s ca77ed G1o2=ve got a 9riend.= 4 I p7aced my 9ingers on the 8eys: too8 a deep breath: and started to p7ay. The m2sic 97owed and I mirac27o2s7y remembered the 7yrics and notes. I 9e7t the strength and co2rage s2rge into me as my 9ingers danced over the 8eys. )s I p7ayed: I 9e7t that every word: every note was meant 9or Ryan and Ryan a7one. I hoped that when he c7osed his eyes he did thin8 o9 me: and i9 he needed me a77 he had to do was ca77 o2t my name. There was no e;p7anation 9or my overwhe7ming 9ee7ings * I was drawn to him 7i8e a moth to a 97ame. 5or a brie9 moment: o2r eyes met 9rom across the room. Ryan was the on7y one I wanted to 7oo8 at. Be had the most g7orio2s smi7e on his 9ace as he stood to watch me p7ay. I p2shed the 8eys with e;tra 9orce: wishing that he co27d rea7iDe that this song was 9or him. To my amaDement: I received a standing ovation when I 9inished. I 9e7t the heat rise to my chee8s as the embarrassment washed over me. I brie97y covered my 9ace with my hands. I 7oo8ed over at Ryan againC he was sti77 standing and c7apping with a h2ge smi7e on his 9ace: his head s7ow7y sha8ing bac8 and 9orth. I po7ite7y than8ed everyone and <2ic87y t2rned the microphone o99. There was no way I=d do another song. @ete was standing by the 9ront door: c7apping 9rantica77y. Bis cheers were de9inite7y the 7o2dest. .-iss Taryn -itche77 everyoneE4 5ran8 ye77ed into the microphone. I too8 a brie9 bow and <2ic87y stepped o99 the stage. It was hard to wa78 bac8 to the bar thro2gh the thic8 crowd. Bands I didn=t 8now to2ched me and patted me on the bac8 and peop7e were in my 9ace comp7imenting me. It was a very 2ncom9ortab7e 9ee7ing and 9or a moment I wondered i9 this was how Ryan 9e7t a77 the time. I wa78ed right past Ryan: even tho2gh he was smi7ing 9rom ear to ear. I tried to ret2rn

the smi7e b2t I was too 972stered to even 7oo8 at him. Be reached 9or me b2t I didn=t stop. I was a7most at a r2n when I d2c8ed into my stairwe77C I >2st needed a moment to ca7m down and get my nerves in chec8. I on7y made it 2p 9o2r steps be9ore crashing down to p2t my head in my hands. -y heart was abo2t to b2rst o2t o9 my chest and it was hard to breathe. -y eyes shot 2p when I heard my stairwe77 door open. Ryan s7ipped aro2nd the corner and sh2t the door <2ic87y behind him. Be was smi7ing and 7a2ghing 7ight7y to himse79 as he stood there staring at me. .Is this what it=s 7i8e 9or yo234 I as8ed: covering my heart with my hand to s7ow the po2nding. ./e77: that depends:4 he said. .)re yo2 re9erring to the e;treme embarrassment or the 9277 o2t panic attac8s34 I >2st nodded and gasped in a 9ew deep breaths o9 air. .(ither wayH yeahE4 Be nodded. .Bey: come here.4 Ryan reached o2t to me: ta8ing my hands in his. Be p277ed me into a nice h2g: wrapping his strong arms gent7y aro2nd my sho27ders. .1o2 were abso72te7y breathta8ing 2p there:4 he whispered: reass2ring me. .1o2 have nothing to be embarrassed abo2t.4 Bis hand he7d my head to his chest and he so9t7y 8issed my hairC it 9e7t con92sing7y nat2ra7 to ho7d him. I c7asped my hands together aro2nd his waist and pressed my 9ace deeper into his chest. The so9t scent o9 his s8in was 7i8e an aphrodisiac: ma8ing me crave him even more. I c7osed my eyes and 9e7t my heart rate s7ow7y coming down whi7e he ran his hand over my bac8 to sooth me. .It=s o8ay: sweetheart. I2st breathe with me:4 he said so9t7y.

Chapter / - Respite

.I have o99 on S2nday and -onday and I=d rea77y 7i8e to see yo2H that is i9 yo2 don=t a7ready have p7ans with one o9 yo2r admirers:4 Ryan teased. I noted the tone o9 sarcasm in his voice. I smir8ed at him. )pparent7y I wasn=t the on7y one s7ight7y >ea7o2s. .0on=t be ridic27o2s.4 .-e34 he so2nded shoc8ed. .1eah: yo2E Li8e yo2 have any room to ta78E4 Be 9rowned at me. ./e77 anywayH4 Be 7eaned 2p on the stairwe77 wa77. .I was wondering i9 yo2 and I can go do something together.4 I sat bac8 down on the steps. )s m2ch as I wanted to re92se him and protect myse79 I no 7onger had the wi77 to do so. I co27dn=t deny this power927 attraction to him any 7onger. ./hat did yo2 have in mind34 .)nything:4 he breathed o2t desperate7y. .I >2st need to get away.4 Be 7ight7y tapped his head bac8 into the wa77. .I don=t have any p7ans:4 I wi77ing7y admitted. .-onday night is po8er: b2t yo2 a7ready 8now that.4 .1eah: spea8ing o9 which: I=d 7i8e an opport2nity to win some o9 my money bac8.4 .S2re. I=d be happy to ta8e a77 o9 yo2r chips this timeE4 I snic8ered. ) 9ew moments o9 si7ence passed. I >2st stared at the sc299 on my shoe: trying to ca7m myse79 and banish the con92sion he was reaping in my mind. Ryan appeared deep in tho2ght. .B2h:4 he sighed. Bis eyes g7anced 2p the stairs. ./hat34 I 7oo8ed over my sho27der to see what he was 7oo8ing at. .!othing:4 he said: sha8ing his head. .I was >2st thin8ing abo2t the 7ast time I was in this stairwe77. I was in a 7ot worse shape than yo2 were a 9ew min2tes ago.4

Be made me 7a2gh. .@er9ect p7ace 9or panic attac8s then: h2h34 .I was act2a77y thin8ing that it=s more o9 a gateway to peace. Insanity o2t thereH4 Be motioned to the door. .Respite in here:4 he stated 9irm7y. .)re yo2 ready 9or more insanity yet34 Be reached o2t his hand and p277ed me 2p 9rom my step. .1o2 can=t hide in here 9orever.4 I groaned. .!o: I 7i8e respite better.4 ) big sigh escaped my 72ngs. .I=m g7ad yo2 came tonight.4 .-e too:4 he said gent7y: 7oo8ing me in my eyes. Bis 9ingers stro8ed my chee8. .I2st thin8: I co27d have missed yo2r ste77ar per9ormance and yo2r private panic attac8 a77 in one nightE4 .0on=t be an assE4 I attempted to po8e him in the rib with my 9inger b2t he ca2ght my hand in his. The to2ch o9 his hand on mine did strange things to my heart. .Come on: sweetheart.4 Be motioned with his head: 7eading me to the door. .Insanity is waiting.4 I s7ipped o2t the door 9irst. Ryan stayed behind 9or a 9ew min2tes so we wo27dn=t ca2se too m2ch o9 a stir appearing 9rom the same p7ace together. ?ne o9 his sec2rity team was standing g2ard right o2tside the stairwe77 door: doing a good >ob earning his 8eep. I res2med my spot behind the bar and was greeted by -arie and Tammy: who were grinning 9rom ear to ear at me. .So am I 9ired or am I getting a raise34 -arie 8idded. .1o2 were spectac27ar 2p thereE4 Tammy g2shed. She gave me a <2ic8 h2g. I ro77ed my eyes: smi7ed at them both: and went bac8 to b2siness tending bar. It was a7most one thirty in the morning when my ce77 phone vibrated in my poc8etC Ryan was te;ting me 9rom the booth. .too many eyes watching I wi77 ca77 2 tomorrow4 .o8 r2 9i7ming34 Be was watching me type bac8 to him. .yeah a77 day n night too maybe ti7 1am34 Be typed with a 9rown on his 7ips. .I wi77 b here4 I typed. .thin8 abo2t where to go S2nday p7ease4 .I wi774

.@romise34 Be was staring at me now. I 7oo8ed over at him: smi7ed: and crossed my heart. Ryan shoved his phone bac8 into his coat. I watched him head 9or the doorC his sec2rity had him 97an8ed. The second he stepped o2t into his persona7 rendition o9 insanity: I co27d hear women screaming and see the 97ash o9 cameras i772minating the dar8 street. I spent a good portion o9 Sat2rday morning trying to come 2p with ideas o9 where to go on S2nday. It wasn=t 7i8e I co27d ta8e him anywhere in p2b7ic witho2t ca2sing a scene. I wondered what other ce7ebrities did 9or 92n. I=d seen p7enty o9 pict2res o9 9amo2s stars o2t and abo2t doing norma7 things 7i8e trying to get a 7o2sy c2p o9 co99ee or having 72nch. The simp7e 9act that I saw pict2res o9 them doing those ordinary things made me rea7iDe that there are 9ew things they co27d do witho2t being 9o77owed. I remembered the words that Ryan had m2ttered 2nder his breath that 9irst day I met him" .the things we ta8e 9or granted.4 I 8new now what he meant. !o 7onger co27d he simp7y wa78 o2t o9 a store or resta2rant witho2t being ho2nded 9or pict2res or a2tographs. 0o ce7ebrities ever get 2sed to the insanity or do they >2st deve7op a way o9 t2ning it o2t3 Ryan=s 9ame was sti77 9resh and I 8new that he didn=t 7i8e a77 the attention. I wanted to ta8e him somewhere that he co27d >2st be himse79. I 7a2ghed at myse79: thin8ing that the on7y idea I had so 9ar was 9or 2s to hide in my stairwe77. )mm' somepla e away from people4 somepla e where he ould move around and yet remain unnoti ed% Private' se luded' fun' safe% Then the idea str2c8 me. .Bi Unc7e )7: it=s Taryn. Bow are yo234 )9ter a 9ew moments o9 p7easantries: I got down to b2siness. .Is anyone 2sing @appy=s shac8 this wee8end3 I have a 9riend visiting me 9rom o2t o9 town and I tho2ght it wo27d be a nice p7ace to go 9or a day trip.4 /ith my new9o2nd bri77iance: it was time to p2t the rest o9 the p7an into action. There were s2pp7ies I wo27d need to get and things to pac8 in the car. I made a 7ist so I wo27dn=t 9orget anything and headed to the store. Two ho2rs 7ater: I had a77 the items on my 7ist and the tr2n8 o9 my car pac8ed with essentia7s. I was trying to get to the c7oset in the third bedroom when Ryan ca77ed. .Bey: how are yo234 I as8ed: groaning as I p2shed a 9ew heavy bo;es o2t o9 my way.

./hat are yo2 2p to34 Be started 7a2ghing at the gr2nting noises I was ma8ing in the phone. .0igging o2t my coo7er. It=s b2ried 2nder some bo;es.4 .Coo7er3 /hat do yo2 need that 9or34 .I need it 9or tomorrow. ShootH4 I ye77ed as the phone s7ipped o2t 9rom 2nder my ear. It 7anded on the 97oor. .Be77o34 I as8ed in a h2rry. I hoped I didn=t hang 2p on him and I was re7ieved when I heard him 7a2gh. .Sorry: phone s7ipped. ?8ay: yo2 can stop 7a2ghing at me nowE4 .So where are you going tomorrow34 he as8ed. I 7oved his sarcastic sense o9 h2mor. .?h: that=s a secret. 1o2=77 see when we get there:4 I teased. .Secret3 1o2=re rea77y not going to te77 me where we=re going34 .!ope. It=s a s2rprise. I=m pretty s2re yo2=77 7i8e it tho2gh.4 I 7a2ghed. .1o2=77 >2st have to tr2st me.4 .Uh oh. !ow I=m worriedE4 ./orried34 I ts8ed. .!o worries. 1o2=77 be we77 hidden 9rom the p2b7ic. The p7ace we are going to isH private. 2t we=77 have to drive a 9ew ho2rs to get there.4 .!ow I=m intrig2edE4 The e;citement in his voice was noticeab7e. .?h: and yo2=77 need warm: com9y c7othes beca2se we=77 be spending some time o2tside. @ac8 some e;tra c7othes too: >2st in case.4 Fisions o9 one o9 2s 9a77ing in the 7a8e crossed my mind. .!ow I=m rea77y intrig2edE4 .Aood. 1o2=77 have to te77 me how: when: and where I can pic8 yo2 2p tomorrow.4 .I was thin8ing abo2t that:4 he sighed. .1o2 8now I can=t >2st hop in yo2r car at the hote7. -aybe yo2 can pic8 me 2p at the set: b2tH4 I co27d hear him breathe pretty hard. ./hat34 I as8ed. .I=m going to have to hide so I can get o99 the 7ot 2nnoticed.4 Bis voice was tro2b7ed. .Bide3 Bow3 1o2 want to hide in the tr2n834 I >o8ed: trying to 7ighten the concern in his tone. .)h: >2st bring a b7an8et. 0amn: I hate this:4 he h299ed. .Ryan: it=s a77 right. I 2nderstand. /e=77 do what we have to. It=s no big dea7.4 Be e;p7ained how to get in the catering entrance and that he=d 7eave my name with

the gate sec2rity. It was the easiest way to get to him: b2t it was sti77 tric8y. R2mors were being 7ea8ed o99 the set a77 the time: and he was concerned that the paparaDDi wo27d 9o77ow 2s. Bis p7an gave me another idea. There was one more phone ca77 I had to ma8e. .Tammy: hey. I need a 9avorH4 (ar7y S2nday morning I p277ed 2p to the gate on the enc7osed 7otC it was a 9ew min2tes be9ore nine o=c7oc8. The entire 7ocation was penned in ten*9oot privacy 9ence and cement b7oc8. It was very intimidating. The g2ard that greeted me had a pisto7 strapped to his hip. .Bi. Taryn -itche77. I have a de7ivery:4 I said to the g2ard. Be 7oo8ed over his c7ipboard o9 names. I had to show him my driver=s 7icense as proo9 o9 identity and he made me open the bac8 so he co27d 7oo8 inside be9ore 7etting me proceed. .Ao on.4 Be waved and motioned to another sec2rity g2ard to move the barricade. I par8ed ne;t to a 7ine o9 catering vehic7es and noticed Ryan hanging o2t by one o9 the tents. There were peop7e ming7ing a77 aro2nd so I tried to b7end. .Aood morning: -r. Christensen:4 I greeted him with a tip o9 my hat. ) 9ew peop7e wa78ed past 2s. .Aood morning:4 he said: 97inching with con92sion. .)re yo2 ready34 I mo2thed to him. Be grabbed his bag and 9o77owed me a7ong the rows o9 tr2c8s and vans. I hit the 8ey 9ob to 2n7oc8 the doors: which made the 7ights 97ash. .!ice van: -s. -itche77:4 he m2rm2red at me. . ond: Taryn ond:4 I m2ttered bac8 to him. Ryan >2mped into the bac8 o9 the van and I sh2t the door <2ic87y behind him. The g2ards moved the barricades and I drove right past the waiting paparaDDi comp7ete7y 2nnoticed. Ryan 7a2ghed hysterica77y as we drove down the road. ./here the hell did yo2 get a catering van34 he as8ed: c7imbing into the 9ront passenger seat. .It=s Tammy=s.4 I removed the TS@ Catering baseba77 cap o99 my head and shoo8 o2t my hair. .She owns a catering b2siness. 0on=t to2ch the pastries bac8 there or she=77 shoot yo2E4 .-s. ond: yo2 are tr27y amaDingE4 Be 7a2ghed.

I drove bac8 to @ete and Tammy=s ho2se. Tammy and I e;changed car 8eys and Ryan than8ed them both. .1o2 two are the best:4 Ryan said. .Bave 92nE4 @ete tapped him in the arm. .Ao en>oy yo2rse79E4 .)re yo2 going to te77 me where we=re going or is it sti77 a secret34 Ryan n2dged me with his e7bow as I drove 2s o2t onto the highway. I 7oo8ed over at him and smi7ed. Be was reading the road signs trying to 9ig2re it o2t. .!orthwest:4 I answered: 2npert2rbed. Be 7oo8ed at me and >2st 8ept sha8ing his head. Be was dying to 8now where we were going and I was ho7ding o2t. .)nd how 7ong do we drive northwest34 he pried. I g7anced at the time on the dashboard. .)nother ho2r and 9orty min2tes.4 Ryan spent a good portion o9 the trip chewing on his 9ingers. I noticed he was a 9ingernai7 biter. .I 7i8e this car:4 he said as he c7osed his eyes. .Seats are rea77y com9ortab7e. In9initi: right34 .1ep. -#$.4 ./a8e me 2p when we get there:4 he said br2s<2e7y. .?h: he77 noE4 I po8ed him in his side. Be >2mped and 97inched away 9rom me: 7a2ghing. .1o2 have to stay awa8eE4 /e were abo2t 9i9teen min2tes away 9rom o2r 9ina7 destination when I p277ed o99 into the par8ing 7ot o9 the 7oca7 convenience store and gas station. This was the p7ace where my 9ami7y wo27d stop be9ore every trip to the cabin. I bac8ed my car 2p to the tree 7ine on the 9ar end o9 the 7ot so Ryan wo27d remain 2nnoticed. .I want to get some co99ee:4 I rep7ied: answering the <2estion on Ryan=s 9ace. .1o2 want anything34 .1eah: wo27d yo2 get me a twenty*o2ncer34 he as8ed: reaching in his poc8et 9or money. I grimaced at his actions and ignored the money in his hand. .0o yo2 want anything in it3 Cream: s2gar34 I as8ed. I a7ready had one 7eg o2t o9 the car. .1eah: ma8e it a shade 7ight and three s2gars. Bere: ta8e this:4 he insisted: handing a twenty do77ar bi77 to me.

.!ah: I got it.4 ./o27d yo2 at 7east 7et me b2y yo2 a damn c2p o9 co99ee34 he p7eaded. I co27d te77 he was a 7itt7e 2pset. .5ine:4 I whispered and made a 9ace at him. I didn=t want to arg2e. I s7ipped the money 9rom his 9ingers. /hi7e I was paying 9or the co99ees I noticed that his pict2re was on the 9ront o9 one o9 the gossip magaDines. In the pict2re: behind him: was the 9ront door to my p2b. I grabbed the magaDine and th2mbed thro2gh it <2ic87y to read what they had printed. )mongst the worth7ess drive7 s2rro2nding his pict2res was a photo o9 him and the two actresses e;iting my p2b. I read the caption"

S2Danne is growing c7oser to Ryan. The two have been spending a 7ot o9 a7one time on and o99 the set: a7tho2gh they both deny that they are secret7y dating. The two were spotted 8eeping each other company ?ctober # as they were ca2ght 7eaving a 7oca7 c72b a9ter a 7ate night o9 partying in downtown Seaport. TRyan and S2Danne were very c7ose a77 night and seemed happy:T says an eyewitness. I s7apped the magaDine sh2t and p2t it bac8 on the rac8. I 8new the tr2thC he didn=t pay m2ch attention to S2Danne that night at a77 6 he was too b2sy watching me: wearing my T*shirt: in my p2b. I smi7ed wide7yC he was sitting in my car waiting 9or me that very moment. .I got two sa2sage: egg and cheese m299ins:4 I said: handing his change and the bag over to him. .(;ce77entE I=m h2ngry.4 .I 9ig2red yo2 might be. Bey: yo2 need to shareE4 I 7eered at him. Be was a7ready 2nwrapping the second sandwich whi7e sti77 eating the 9irst. .Bere: ta8e a bite:4 he snic8ered: even tho2gh he too8 another big bite o9 the m299in be9ore ho7ding it to my mo2th. I made the 9ina7 t2rn on the 7ast 7eg o9 o2r trip. The 7ast 9ew mi7es o9 road were bordered on both sides by ta77 pines and thic8 treesC the air was scented with the 9resh per92me o9 the woods. The 7eaves were >2st starting to t2rn with 9a77=s co7ors and they made bea2ti927 h2es on the windshie7d.

I t2rned onto the obsc2re drive to my grand9ather=s cabin and stopped to 2n7oc8 the meta7 pipe gate that b7oc8ed cars 9rom driving 92rther onto the property. Ryan s7ipped his s2ng7asses o99 his 9aceC his eyes were wide with wonder. ./e7come to my grand9ather=s 9ishing shac8.4 I smi7ed at him as we drove 2p to the ho2se. .Shac83 That isn=t a shac8E4 he dec7ared: pointing to the ho2se. Be smi7ed in amaDement. !est7ed com9ortab7y in the woods was a 7og sided )*9rame with a wooden dec8 that wrapped aro2nd the sides and past an enormo2s stone chimney. The 9ront o9 the ho2se was a77 windows that re97ected the s2nrays brea8ing thro2gh the trees. ?99 the bac8 o9 the ho2se was a raised: screened*in porch that over7oo8ed the 7a8e. .It=s not that big. It on7y has two bedrooms:4 I answered his gaDe. I par8ed the car in the stone*covered car pad right ne;t to the stairs that 7ed to the dec8. Ryan he7ped me carry the coo7er 2p the steps to the 9ront door. I gave him a <2ic8 to2r o9 the ho2se whi7e I t2rned the power and water on. .This is e;ce77entE4 he said with an e;27ted grin on his 9ace. I watched him wander aro2nd the room: to2ching and 7oo8ing at everything. .That right there is why I didn=t want to r2in the s2rprise.4 I pointed at his smi7e. .)9ter we get the car 2npac8ed: I tho2ght we might ta8e the boat o2t on the 7a8eH do a 7itt7e 9ishing34 I waved the c2p o9 night*craw7ers in the air. ./e=re going 9ishing34 he as8ed: comp7ete7y astonished. .1o23 1o2H 9ish34 .S2re:4 I <2ipped. .That=s why I bro2ght yo2 here. I tho2ght we=d ta8e the boat o2t on the 7a8e.4 /e wa78ed down the stone*covered drive to the one car garage where the boat was stored. The boat was painted g2nmeta7 si7ver with b7ac8 and red detai7 stripes and a dar8 gray interior. .!iceE4 Ryan said as he p2shed the garage door 2p. .1+ 9ooter34 .It be7ongs to my Unc7e )7.4 I nodded. .It was my dad=s and his: b2tH we77H it was big eno2gh 9or the two o9 them.4 I c7imbed onto the big )TF that we needed to 2se to tow the boat down to the 7a8e: b2t when I tried to start it the battery was obvio2s7y dead.

.Ao get yo2r car. /e can >2mpstart it:4 he said con9ident7y. Ryan was en>oying himse79: tin8ering aro2nd with >2mper cab7es and twisting the thrott7e on the )TF. Be was 7i8e a 8id in a candy store: so happy and re7a;ed. I 7oved how he was ab7e to 9i; things. Be reminded me o9 my 9ather. Be bac8ed the )TF 2p and I he7ped him hoo8 the hitch to the boat trai7er. I he7d his sho27ders to steady myse79 as I c7imbed on the 9o2r*whee7er behind him. I too8 the 7iberty to give him a 9ew e;tra s<2eeDes to massage his tense m2sc7es. I too8 his moaning as con9irmation that he en>oyed my to2ch. .Bo7d on tightE4 Be patted and s<2eeDed my thigh be9ore twisting the thrott7e to set 2s in motion. I rested my chin on his sho27der whi7e the 7ight breeDe b7ew his hair onto my chee8. I nest7ed my 9rosty nose near his warm nec8 to add another de7icio2s scent o9 him to my memory. I wished we had 92rther to drive so I co27d en>oy ho7ding on to him 7i8e this 7onger: b2t it was a short distance between the garage and the 7a8e. The noontime s2n was bright overhead. Be bac8ed the boat trai7er into the water and he7ped me p2sh the boat into the 7a8e. /e wor8ed we77 as a team. Ryan gave me a 9ew teasing b2mps when we wa78ed bac8 2p the driveway to get o2r things. Be >2st 8ept grinning and smi7ing and sha8ing his head at me. /e 7oaded 2p the boat with a77 the essentia7s * 9ishing gear: beer: and sandwiches 6 and Ryan started the 7itt7e tro77ing motor to get 2s o2t on the water. The air was sti77 and it wasn=t as co7d as it had been the 7ast 9ew days. The 7a8e was ca7m and re97ected the trees and s8y 7i8e a gigantic mirror. I tipped my s2ng7asses down to ta8e in the sight o9 Ryan driving the boat. Be was 7oo8ing so good in his b72e >eans: and white therma7 shirt with a brown coat. The grin on his 9ace was one o9 heaven7y b7iss. I was thri77ed that he was en>oying this mini*vacation. .Bead over towards those trees.4 I pointed. .That=s my dad=s 72c8y spot. Be ca2ght 7ots o9 9ish over there.4 .So how did yo2 come 2p with the 9ishing idea34 he as8ed: casting his 7ine o2t into the water. .5rom yo2.4 I 7a2ghed 7ight7y. I opted to p2t a 72re on my 7ine instead o9 one o9 the worms.

.-e3 /hen did I ever te77 yo2 I 7ove to 9ish34 .The 9irst day I met yo2. 1o2 showed me the scar where yo2r brother hoo8ed yo2 in the arm.4 Be 7oo8ed over at me and smi7ed. .1o2 have a good memory 9or detai7. I 9orgot abo2t that. This was yo2r dad=s 9avorite spot3 I can see why. It=s bea2ti927 o2t here.4 I inha7ed deep7y: en>oying the so9t scent o9 pine and 9a77en 7eaves. It was m2ch di99erent 9rom the sme77 that emanated o99 the )t7antic. Ryan stared at me 9or a moment: chewing on his 7ip. .Can I as8 what happened34 he said hesitant7y. .1o2r dad34 I gasped s7ight7yC >2st thin8ing abo2t it h2rt. .The doctors to7d me he had a massive heart attac8.4 I sni99ed. .It was right a9ter Labor 0ay 7ast year. /e weren=t b2sy 9or some reason so dad to7d me to ta8e the night o99 * said he=d 7oc8 2p the bar 9or once.4 I grimaced 9rom hearing his voice in my head. ./hen I came home I 9o2nd him on the 97oor. I tried to do C@R on him 2nti7 the amb27ance came: b2t I was too 7ate.4 .I=m so sorry.4 Ryan 7oo8ed at me apo7ogetica77y. .Than8s:4 I rep7ied. .It was rea77y hard at 9irst b2t I=ve been dea7ing with it. I >2st try to remember a77 the good times.4 .)ndH yo2r mom34 Be 7oo8ed as i9 he sho27dn=t have as8ed. I too8 another deep breath and he7d it in my 72ngs 9or a 9ew seconds. .-y mom was hit by a car.4 I winced at the memory. .She was p2shing a grocery cart thro2gh a par8ing 7ot when an e7der7y 7ady bac8ed o2t o9 a par8ing space too 9ast and hit her. The impact shattered my mom=s hip and severed her 9emora7 artery. 0octors co27dn=t save her.4 I 8ept a care927 ho7d on the memory so it wo27dn=t overpower me. Ta78ing abo2t my parents made it a77 seem 9resh again. Ryan stepped over to where I sat in the boat and gent7y r2bbed my bac8. .I=m sorry. I can=t imagine how hard that m2st be 9or yo2.4 .It=s hard b2t yo2 have to >2st go on: yo2 8now3 1o2 don=t rea77y 8now how m2ch yo2 miss something 2nti7 it=s gone:4 I said: 7oo8ing in his eyes. Ryan 7et his arm rest behind me. Bis presence was e;treme7y com9orting. I 9e7t the 7ine on my 9ishing po7e t2g. .Bey: I thin8 I got oneE4 I started to ree7 in my

7ine. Ryan grabbed the net and 7eaned over the side to see what I ca2ght. .!iceE4 he said enth2siastica77y: netting the big mo2th bass that was on my hoo8. .Be=s got to be abo2t ten inchesE4 Ryan had to get the 9ish 2nhoo8ed 9or me. .Aood >obE4 Be beamed. I made a 9ish 9ace at the poor 9ish be9ore he re7eased it bac8 into the 7a8e. .See ya -r. ass.4 .So te77 me more abo2t yo2:4 Ryan started. ./hat do yo2 want to 8now34 .(verythingE4 he stated emphatica77y. )s we 9ished he as8ed me a barrage o9 <2estions: and I 9o2nd myse79 te77ing him my 7i9e=s story. Some o9 his <2estions prompted <2estions o9 my own and he didn=t seem hesitant to te77 me anything I wanted to 8now either. .)ct2a77y: I was born in 2pstate !ew 1or8:4 I to7d him: sni99ing in some o9 the mo2ntain air. .I grew 2p near /at8ins A7en. Bave yo2 ever heard o9 it34 .S2re:4 he rep7ied. .I=ve even been there once. -y dad too8 2s there to see a race.4 I smi7ed. .?2r ho2se was on7y 9o2r mi7es 9rom the trac8.4 .Bow 7ong did yo2 7ive there34 .Unti7 I was a7most 9o2rteen. /e moved to Seaport when my grand9ather got sic8.4 I p277ed my hair bac8 9rom my sho27ders. .I tho2ght yo2 grew 2p in Seaport. I got the impression that yo2r dad a7ways ran the p2b.4 .!o: act2a77y my dad 2sed to wor8 9or Corning. Be was a F@ there 9or a 7ong time. 2t my grand9ather had a stro8e: so we moved here to ta8e care o9 him. I thin8 my dad 7oved his >ob: b2t when it a77 happenedH I g2ess the timing was right 9or him to resign and s7ow down a 7itt7e. )ct2a77y he seemed happier when he too8 over r2nning the p2b.4 ./hat abo2t yo2r mom3 0id she wor834 I nodded and too8 a sip o9 my beer. .She wor8ed in the admissions o99ice at Ithaca University. I was p7anning on going to co77ege there: b2tH things change: I g2ess. /e moved here and rown was c7oser. /hat abo2t yo23 0id yo2 go to co77ege34 Ryan smi7ed and 7oo8ed s7ight7y embarrassed. .I went to @itt 9or two years.4 .@itt34 I repeated.

Be nodded. .I was going 9or a degree in )rchitect2re:4 he said remorse9277y. I wanted to design ho2ses and b2i7dings:4 he added. .I 7ove to draw.4 . 2t yo2 didn=t 9inish34 Ryan appeared s7ight7y embarrassed. .I was 7iving at home: going to schoo7: and doing some 7oca7 theatre at the time. ?ne o9 my acting coaches to7d me abo2t this open a2dition in L.).: so I went: and soon a9ter that I got my 9irst ma>or movie ro7e. It=s pretty m2ch been a big b72r sinceE4 Be ch2c87ed. .I had to get an agent and a managerH and a 7awyerE4 Be cast his 7ine o2t into the water. .Sometimes I wonder how my 7i9e wo27d have t2rned o2t i9 I stayed in co77ege and didn=t get on that p7ane to L.).4 .I=d 7i8e to be7ieve that everything happens 9or a reason. I9 yo2 hadn=t gotten on that p7ane: then yo2 probab7y wo27dn=t be sitting here in this boat on this 7a8e right now.4 .1o2=re right.4 Be beamed. .This wo27d have been a shame to miss. I want to have a p7ace >2st 7i8e this one day. ) ho2se on a 7a8e s2rro2nded by woods: doc8 9or the boat: a big stone 9irep7ace...4 .I miss the ho2se we 2sed to have near the A7en:4 I said. .That was near a 7a8e too: 8ind o9 7i8e this 7a8e b2t sma77er. It was a big: white 9armho2se with a h2ge yard. /e had a rope swing hanging 9rom one o9 the big e7m trees that wo27d swing o2t over the 7a8eC I remember we wo27d start at the top o9 the emban8ment and r2n down this worn path and swing as hard as we co27d. It was a game to see who co27d swing o2t the 9arthest.4 Ryan 7oo8ed at me and grinned. .So2nds 7i8e yo2 were a bit o9 a daredevi7 when yo2 were yo2nger.4 I stretched my 7egs o2t straight: remembering how I 2sed to >2mp o99 the rope swing. .The best part o9 s2mmer was when the grapes were ready to be pic8ed. -y dad b2i7t this h2ge arbor in o2r yardC it was covered in grapevines. I remember r2nning o2t in the bac8 yard 9irst thing in the morning to pic8 the grapes that were covered in morning dew. 0ad said that they were nat2re=s wine:4 I reminisced. .0o yo2 8now how wine is made34 .I 8now a 7itt7e. I 8now more abo2t drin8ing wine than how it=s made tho2gh. /hat abo2t yo234 I nodded. .-y 9ami7y has co*owned a 9ew wineries 9or a 7ong time. I have a vested interest in three active wineries now.4 .1o2 do34 Be was s2rprised.

I nodded again. .-y parents invested a 7ot o9 money into some o9 the 7oca7 wineries 2p aro2nd the 5inger La8es. /e 2sed to co*own 9ive: b2t we so7d o2r interests in one o9 them and two o9 the wineries merged. )9ter my 9ather died: I inherited a77 the shares. I=m a 7imited partner now: b2t I sti77 get invo7ved in the b2sinesses sometimes. /e=ve been great 9riends with the 9ami7ies that r2n the wineries 6 some o9 them I=ve 8nown my who7e 7i9e.4 .K2ite the b2sinesswoman yo2 areE4 he snic8ered. .I 7i8e diversity. It ma8es 9or a steady income and good wine connections.4 I shr2gged. .I=m a7so a si7ent partner in Tammy=s catering b2sinessC I stay si7ent and 7et it 2p to her to r2n it as she sees 9it.4 Ryan cast his 7ine o2t again. .Isn=t it hard to be in b2siness with a 9riend34 .!o: not yet. Tammy and I have a 7ega7 b2siness re7ationship. /e are both partners in a 7imited 7iabi7ity corporation with signed agreements. I gave her the start*2p capita7. I wanted to he7p my 9riend: b2t I want to 8eep my 9riend no matter what happens. The b2siness re7ationship is one thing: the 7ong*standing 9riendship is another. She has the option to b2y me o2t at any time.4 .So 7et me get this straight. 1o2 own a bar: co*own a 9ew wineries: and are a partner in a catering b2siness3 0id I get them a7734 ./e77: there=s the stained g7ass b2siness too:4 I m2rm2red. . 2t that=s more o9 a hobby now. 0o yo2 remember seeing the big g7ass G-itche77=s @2b= sign hanging behind the bar34 Be nodded. .I made that.4 .1o2 made that34 Be so2nded impressed. .I made <2ite a 9ew pieces 9or some o9 the 7oca7 b2sinesses. The boo8 store ne;t to my p2bH I made their sign too.4 .I thin8 I got oneE4 Ryan ree7ed in his 7ine to 9ind a sma77 bass on his hoo8. .0id yo2 7i8e that worm3 0id ya34 he as8ed the 9ish: 7i8e they were 9riends. It made me ch2c87e. .So what abo2t yo2r parents34 I as8ed. .-y dad is a dentist:4 he said pro2d7y. Be parted his 7ips to show me his teeth. .This is a77 his handy wor8.4 Be motioned with his 9inger. .I had braces 2nti7 I was si;teen.4 .I bet that impressed the 7adiesE4 I teased.

.1eahE Aot me a lot o9 datesE I was so happy when he 9ina77y too8 them o99.4 Ryan pa2sed 9or a moment to ta8e a swig o9 his beer. .-y mom has been his o99ice manager 9or 9orever. She pretty m2ch r2ns the p7ace. /e a7ways 8id him that a77 he has to do is show 2p and te77 peop7e to say Gahh.= -om does the rest.4 ) min2te or two passed and I had a vision o9 his dad=s denta7 b2siness being in2ndated with new patients. It made me 7a2gh o2t 7o2d. ./hat=s so 92nny34 he as8ed. .I was >2st pict2ring yo2r dad=s waiting room being 7ined 2p with h2ndreds o9 new patients: a77 yo2ng and 9ema7eE ?h: 0r. Christensen: I thin8 I have a cavity. y the way can yo2 introd2ce me to yo2r son34 .BahE That=s 92nny yo2 said that. I9 someone new ca77s to ma8e an appointmentH i9 yo2=re 2nder 9orty and 9ema7e 9orget it. 1o2=re not getting in. -y mom wi77 hang 2p on yo2.4 .A2ess it=s a good thing that I a7ready have a dentist.4 I 7a2ghed. .I tho2ght maybe they were grading the women 9or yo2. ?n7y the ones with minima7 amo2nts o9 p7a<2e get yo2r phone n2mber.4 Be was 7a2ghing so hard he didn=t even rea7iDe he had another 9ish on his 7ine. I set my po7e down and retrieved the net. .Loo8 at thatE4 I ye77ed. Be had a h2ge 9ish on his hoo8. @oor thing was thrashing its body. Ryan had the biggest smi7e on his 9aceC he was in his happy p7ace. .That=s good eating right thereE4 Be he7d the 9ish 2p. .!o: noH catch and re7ease:4 I reminded him. /e spent the entire a9ternoon 9ishing o2t on the 7a8e. I 7earned some inside trade secrets o9 the movie ind2stry and how he got h2rt once doing some o9 his own st2nts. Be to7d me abo2t a77 the st2nts that he had to do 9or the Seaside movie and how each move was care9277y choreographed. It was rea77y interesting to 7earn abo2t green screens and how they sometimes 9i7med inside a h2ge b2i7ding b2t once the comp2ter graphics and sceneries were added it wo27d appear that they were act2a77y o2tside. /e 7o2nged peace9277y in the boat as we watched the haw8s 97y in the breeDe. The setting s2n changed the horiDon to bea2ti927 shades o9 orange and red and the wind that b7ew across the water had a 9rosty chi77.

?ver the co2rse o9 severa7 ho2rs we shared o2r stories: o2r tho2ghts: 7i8es and dis7i8es: and hopes and dreams. /e made each other 7a2gh a 7ot. It was a77 so s2rrea7. .That was a 7ot o9 92n:4 Ryan said as he tied the boat to the doc8. /e wa78ed 2p the path to the cabin and he too8 the 9ishing po7es o2t o9 my hand. .Than8 yo2:4 he said so9t7y. The smi7e on his 9ace was gen2ine. Be b2mped his arm into mine: giving me a 7itt7e n2dge. I was rea77y happy that he en>oyed himse79 and that he ca2ght more 9ish than I did. Be didn=t seem egotistica7 b2t regard7ess he was sti77 a man: and a77 men have their pride. I 9e7t a s2dden 2rge to ho7d his hand as we wa78ed to the ho2seC his arm was a7most to2ching mine. This wo27d have been a per9ect moment 9or that sentiment: b2t we didn=t have that 8ind o9 re7ationship. I wondered i9 we ever wo27d. I co27d pict2re him a77 too c7ear7y being a part o9 my 7i9e and me being a part o9 his. 2t the part o9 his 7i9e that I was imagining was this part: right now 6 a 7i9e o9 peace and togetherness 6 o9 norma7cy. The 8ind o9 7i9e that most peop7e on the p7anet e;perienced. In rea7ity: Ryan=s 7i9e was anything b2t norma7 now and that was hard to imagine. Bis 7i9e was in constant t2rmoi7: being ho2nded and chased. Be had no privacy. Bis e;istence had to be shro2ded in secrecy to 8eep intimate detai7s 9rom becoming p2b7ic. /hat a trade he had to ma8e 9or doing something he 7oved. The entire time we were o2t on the 7a8e I >2st wanted to as8 him point b7an8 why .acting4 as a career choice was worth it to him 6 worth the trade. Was there something in his ego that needed that br2sh o9 attention3 0id he get a thri77 o2t o9 pretending to be someone e7se: beca2se that=s what actors do 6 they get to 7ive someone e7se=s 7i9e 9or a whi7e. 2t I co27dn=t do it. I co27dn=t as8. They were <2estions that remained 2nanswered. The biggest <2estion in my mind was whether peace and insanity co27d s2rvive together in harmony.

Chapter 0 - Re*e"ations

.I=m 9reeDing.4 -y teeth were chattering 9rom being o2t on the 7a8e. I t2rned the baseboard heaters on to warm 2p the cabin. .Ryan3 /o27d yo2 go get a co2p7e o9 7ogs 9rom the side o9 the ho2se p7ease3 I want to start a 9ire.4 I grabbed the big steamer pot 9rom 2nder the co2nter: 9i77ed it with water: and set it on the stove. -y stomach was ma8ing noises and it was getting c7ose to dinnertime anyway. Ryan carried in an arm927 o9 7ogs and I he7ped him stac8 them ne;t to the 9irep7ace. .The starter 7og st299 is in that bo;.4 I pointed to where he sho27d 7oo8. I 2sed some sma77 branches to get the 9ire going. .1o2=re a rea7 Air7 Sco2t:4 he 8idded and n2dged me in the 7eg. .!ot rea77y. I can=t start a 9ire witho2t a 7ighter or a match. I=d be in big tro2b7e i9 I had to s2rvive in the woods.4 .I met that g2y once:4 he contin2ed. .The s2rvivor g2y 9rom TF. 1o2 8now who I=m ta78ing abo2t34 ./ho3 That g2y who gets dropped o99 in the worst o9 p7aces and then gets 9i7med whi7e eating 9rogs and st29934 I as8ed. .1eah. That g2y.4 Be nodded. .I met him at a party once. Be was one biDarre d2deE Be had some rea77y wi7d stories.4 .1o2 sort o9 7oo8 7i8e the s2rvivor man yo2rse79E4 I 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .1o2 have bits o9 wood st2c8 a77 over yo2r shirt.4 I pic8ed some shards o99 o9 his s7eeves whi7e he p72c8ed a 9ew that were st2c8 to his chest. .Let=s go o2tside and br2sh yo2 o99.4 /e stepped o2t onto the wooden dec8 and I immediate7y ran my hands over his arms to 8noc8 the dirt o99. Instead o9 he7ping me Ryan >2st stood there: per9ect7y sti77: gaDing at me whi7e I d2sted him. I wondered 9or a moment i9 he was going to try to 8iss me. /e were so c7oseC a77 I co27d thin8 abo2t was tasting him. Be wo27d on7y have to 7ean in a 9ew inches. I would

su umb willingly' -y hands s7owed in their movements as I tried to be precise with removing the wood shards. -y eyes were 9i;ed on tracing the te;t2re and conto2rs o9 his shirt: since I co27dn=t 7oo8 him direct7y in the eyes. I tho2ght abo2t what his 9277 7ips might 9ee7 7i8e on mine: how the s8in on his m2sc27ar chest might 9ee7 2nder my hands. 5or a moment I co27d 2nderstand why those sic8 9ans wanted to p277 his shirt o99. !ow I tho2ght abo2t p277ing his shirt o99 too and right a9ter that: his shoes: his be7t: his >eans... I had to banish those tho2ghts 9rom my head. That 7ine o9 thin8ing was way too dangero2s. .1o2 sho27d be ab7e to get the rest:4 I m2ttered: <2ic87y t2rning on my hee7s to h2rry bac8 into the cabin. .ont do this to yourself, Taryn% 5ou ant have him% I washed my hands thoro2gh7y at the sin8 and 2npac8ed some o9 the 9ood 9rom the coo7er. ./hat are yo2 2p to34 he as8ed when he >oined me in the 8itchen. I was rinsing the two enormo2s 7obster tai7s I pic8ed 2p at the sea9ood store 2nder the water. Ryan pee8ed over my sho27der. .-mm: 7obsterE4 Be grinned: smac8ing his 7ips together. .!eed he7p34 I noticed when he stood ne;t to me: he was care927 not to 7et o2r bodies to2ch. Be 8ept a sma77: b2t sa9e distance between 2s. I wondered i9 he did that on p2rpose. Ryan sat down at the dinner tab7e: in the same chair that my 9ather a7ways sat in. The memory o9 that made me smi7e. I imagined my 9ather being p7eased with the man who now too8 his p7ace at the tab7e. Ryan and my 9ather wo27d have gotten a7ong very we77. /e had a 7ove7y dinner together as the 9ire crac87ed behind 2sC the radio was p7aying so9t m2sic in the bac8gro2nd. It was act2a77y <2ite romantic. ) tinge o9 nervo2sness crept into my g2t 9rom being a7one with him in a sec72ded cabin in the midd7e o9 the woods. All alone' with him: my mind repeated. &ottle of wine' firepla e' bedroom !ust down the hallway% I swa77owed hard. /o27d he be e;pecting more3 )9ter a77: I did bring him here. I pretty m2ch set the stage 9or a convenient tryst. .That was de7icio2s: Taryn.4 Ryan stretched bac8 in his chair: patting his stomach. .I=m st299edE4

I was g7ad he en>oyed it: b2t now the 97ow o9 panic was s2rging in 7i8e the tide. /hat=s ne;t3 I had >2st started to smi7e at him when I 9e7t <2easy again. Be he7ped me c7ear the tab7e and I began washing the dishes when the wave o9 na2sea hit. .I don=t 9ee7 so good.4 I r2bbed my stomach and dashed 9or the bathroom. I was gone 9or so 7ong that Ryan had washed a77 the dishes and was 8ic8ed bac8 on the co2ch by the 9ire. .)re yo2 a77 right34 he as8ed. I co27d hear the concern in his tone. .!o. I 9ee7 rea77y sic8.4 .-y stomach isn=t 9ee7ing so hot either.4 I 7oo8ed at him: s2rprised that his stomach was in 8nots too. )pparent7y I wasn=t the on7y one who was nervo2s. I had >2st sat down on the co2ch when I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d vomit. I ran bac8 to the bathroom >2st in time to ma8e it to the toi7et as dinner came bac8 2pH severa7 times. Ryan was pa7e when I came o2t o9 the bathroomC he h2rried right past me and sh2t the door. I tr2dged down the ha77way to the master bedroom so I co27d 7ie downC I was rea77y 9ee7ing 7o2sy. I t2rned the te7evision on to drown o2t the so2nds o9 Ryan getting sic8. ./hatever yo2 do: don=t go in there:4 he groaned as he 7ay down on the bed ne;t to me. (ven tho2gh he warned me: I co27dn=t wait. I darted 9or the bathroom again 9or ro2nd two o9 vio7ent vomiting. 5or the ne;t severa7 ho2rs we too8 t2rns vio7ating the bathroom. I hadn=t been that sic8 in years. .I >2st threw 2p air:4 I said as I c2r7ed bac8 down on the bed ne;t to him. Ryan so9t7y ch2c87ed. .I threw 2p 9ood I haven=t even eaten yet.4 Bis comment made me 7a2gh. .0o yo2 thin8 it was the 7obster34 he as8ed: p277ing the b7an8et 2p higher on his sho27der. .I was wondering that myse79:4 I said: 8nowing now that it wasn=t >2st my nerves that made me i77. /hen I spo8e: the words that came 2p my sore throat made me co2gh. . 2t it was sti77 partia77y 9roDen and I rinsed it. I was trying to thin8 o9 what e7se I ate today. -aybe it was that brea89ast sandwich3 The sa2sage34 .Co27d be. 2t we both got sic8 right away. I=m thin8ing tainted 7obster 6 either that

or it was the sa7ad.4 .-y ribs are 8i77ing me.4 I winced as I r2bbed my stomach. . 2t I don=t 9ee7 7i8e I need to be sic8 anymore: so that=s a good thing.4 .-e neither. I=m starting to 9ee7 a 7itt7e better act2a77y.4 .I=m so sorry:4 I p7eaded with him. .0on=t hate me.4 .I don=t hate yo2:4 he whispered sweet7y: his 9ingers dri9ted across my 9orehead. Be p277ed the b7an8et 2p higher on my bac8 to cover me 2p. ./e=re never b2ying any sea9ood again 9rom wherever yo2 bo2ght that 7obster tho2gh: I can te77 yo2 thatE4 5or as 7o2sy as I 9e7t and how sic8 I >2st was: the 9act that he >2st said .we4 sent a wave o9 e7ation thro2gh my so27. Ryan was c2r7ed 2p in a ba77 and I co27d hear him start to breathe heavier. Be had 9a77en as7eep: so I t2rned the te7evision o99 and c7osed my eyes. )9ter that marathon session o9 nastiness: it wo27dn=t ta8e me 7ong to 9a77 as7eep either. I 8new I was dreaming when I co27dn=t see the gro2nd that my 9eet were s2pposed7y r2nning on. I was trying to get thro2gh one o9 those maDes that are made o2t o9 ta77 hedges that yo2 see sometimes in movies: and every t2rn I too8 was a dead end. I=d have to t2rn aro2nd and r2n down the same path that I >2st came 9rom: a77 the whi7e hearing Ryan ca77ing my name and as8ing me to .come here: come here.4 I had to 9ind him. I ran down a 7ong row o9 hedges and t2rned to the 7e9t where I tho2ght his voice was coming 9rom. )s soon as I t2rned the corner: there was a mob o9 women: a77 wearing a pict2re o9 his 9ace on their shirts: b7oc8ing my path. They started to 7a2gh at meC some o9 them were cac87ing 7i8e witches. @hotographers stepped o2t o9 the shr2bs and were ta8ing pict2res o9 me as I started to cry. I 9e7t the twang o9 terror set in as one gir7 in the 9ront row morphed into the 7i8eness o9 S2Danne Strass. She grabbed me by the hair and p277ed 9ierce7y: bending me bac8wards. .Be=s mine: bitchE4 she screamed in my 9ace. .!ot even in yo2r dreams.4 -y eyes shot open 9rom the sensation. @art o9 my 7ong hair was trapped 2nder Ryan=s head. The s2n was bright so I ass2med it was sometime a9ter eight o=c7oc8. ) shot o9 pain hit my ribs when I started to craw7 o2t o9 bedC my stomach m2sc7es were sore 9rom throwing 2p so many times. I went o2t to the 7iving room and grabbed my bag so I co27d get 9reshened 2p. I

desperate7y needed a showerC my hair was a mess and I loo"ed 7i8e I spent the night vomiting. The hot water 9e7t good: and I noticed that I was 9ee7ing m2ch better. I br2shed my teeth to rid my mo2th o9 the nasty taste and washed my body twice to rid my pores o9 i77ness. I co27dn=t get c7ean eno2gh. I p2t my >eans and a shirt on so I co27d go o2t to the 7iving room againC my hairbr2sh was st299ed in my p2rse. Ryan came to the bedroom door and stopped to 7ean on the door9rame. .)re yo2 9inished in there34 he as8ed as a big yawn bro8e 9rom his 7ips. )s he spo8e: my eyes too8 in the sight o9 him. Sometime thro2gho2t the night he too8 his >eans o99. Be was standing there in a white Tee and gray bo;er brie9s: and oh my: there it was: e;treme morning wood. )677-! -y brain sho2ted as my eyes traced the 7arge b27ge p2shing o2t in his shorts. Be ti7ted his head and smir8ed at me when he rea7iDed that my eyes and tho2ghts were comp7ete7y distracted. I thin8 he act2a77y meant 9or me to see that beca2se he didn=t even attempt to move or hide it. .Um: yeah: a77 yo2rs:4 I m2ttered: s7ight7y embarrassed 9rom being b2sted og7ing his 2nderwear. I t2rned and h2rried o2t o9 his way: ignoring him when he ch2c87ed. /hi7e my brain was sti77 tracing the o2t7ine o9 his morning 9riend: I grabbed my pac8 o9 birth contro7 pi77s o2t o9 my p2rse and popped -onday=s pi77 in my mo2th. (ven tho2gh it was on7y a p7acebo today: I sti77 wanted to 8eep 2p with my dai7y ro2tine. I co27dn=t have had se; this wee8end even i9 I wanted toC that was probab7y another reason why I was 9ee7ing drained. I had been on the pi77 since my 9irst year o9 co77ege: and the erotic vision that was in my mind right now was the e;act reason why. etter to be sa9e than sorry: 9or I didn=t want to have chi7dren witho2t 9irst being married: b2t I certain7y wasn=t going to 8eep my virginity intact 2nti7 that happened. .Taryn3 0o yo2 have an e;tra towe734 Ryan ye77ed 9rom the bathroom. .1eah: hang on a sec.4 I p277ed a 9resh: white towe7 o2t 9rom one o9 my bags. Be was partia77y hidden behind the bathroom door: a7tho2gh I co27d see that his shirt

was now o99. I tried not to 7oo8 at him at a77 when I handed him the bath towe7. I a7ready had one h2ge image o9 him that was repeating in my mind. I wa78ed bac8 to the 7iving room wondering how many women have gotten an 2p c7ose and persona7 7oo8 at his pac8age. I 8new how many men I had se; with 6 I was sti77 in the sing7e digits 9or my tota7 6 high sing7e digits: b2t nine is sti77 2nder ten. I 9ig2red with a body and a pac8age 7i8e his: combined with end7ess opport2nities 9rom women throwing themse7ves at him: he probab7y too8 that thing o2t o9 his pants and showed it to as many women as possib7e. It was a 9rightening tho2ght and I secret7y wished my ass2mption was wrong. I was p2tting the dishes away when he came o2t into the great room with nothing on e;cept the towe7 wrapped aro2nd his waist. Bis 7e9t hand was gripping the two ends o9 the towe7 togetherC his other hand combed his wet hair bac8 o99 his 9orehead. .I need my bag:4 he m2ttered. )oly Shit! -y brain shrie8ed again 9rom the new sight o9 him. -y eyes <2ic87y too8 in the visions o9 his bare chest and arms: how they sti77 g7istened s7ight7y 9rom the water drop7ets that remained on his s8in. I gasped in a <2ic8 breath o9 air and t2rned away 9or the sa9er view o9 the 8itchen sin8. ,lean the sin" + !ust lean the sin"% .ont loo"% I co27d see his re97ection in the 8itchen windowC he had his bac8 t2rned to me as he opened the towe7 and re*wrapped it aro2nd his waist. Be stood there 9or a 9ew moments 2sing both o9 his hands to comb thro2gh his wet hair. 6ffin+A he is )-T! -arie was right in her assessment. I was than8927 that the meta7 sin8 was strong eno2gh to end2re my grip and ho7d me in p7ace as I s<2eeDed my 7egs together at the 8nees. It had been 9ar too 7ong since I saw a most7y na8ed man and this one was 8i77ing me with visions 7e9t and right. I thin8 he rea7iDed that I was t2rned and not 9acing him anymore beca2se he sort o9 h299ed: grabbed his bag: and headed bac8 to the bedroom. I had the 8itchen a77 c7eaned 2p when he came bac8 to the is7and co2nter that separated the 8itchen 9rom the rest o9 the main room. Be 7eaned on the is7and with his e7bows right ne;t to where I had my p2rse. Shit! /hen I went to get him a towe7: I 9orgot to shove my pi77 pac8 bac8 into my

p2rse. I2st as I t2rned to correct my mista8e his 9ingers pic8ed it 2p. Bis 7oo8 o9 c2riosity was instant7y rep7aced with a smir8 when he rea7iDed what it was. .1o2 weren=t s2pposed to see that:4 I m2rm2red. I snatched the pac8 9rom his hand and shoved it bac8 in my p2rse. ./hat=s the big dea734 he as8ed cas2a77y. .So yo2=re on the pi77. That=s good to 8now.4 Be smir8ed. This was a conversation that I didn=t want to have with him. .)re yo2 9inished in the bathroom3 GCa2se i9 yo2 are I=d 7i8e to dry my hair <2ic8.4 .1eah.4 Be nodded. .Spea8ing o9 which: how are yo2 9ee7ing this morning34 .I=m 9ee7ing better. -y stomach m2sc7es h2rt tho2gh. I 9ee7 7i8e I did two h2ndred sit*2ps. )nd yo234 .I=m 9ee7ing pretty good act2a77y.4 Be stood straight and stretched. .-2st have been the 7obster. )re yo2 2p to ta8ing the boat o2t again34 I co27d te77 in his voice he was hoping. .1eah: s2re. I2st 7et me 9inish getting ready.4 Ryan steered the boat bac8 o2t on the 7a8e and I was com9ortab7e >2st 7o2nging 2nder a b7an8et. The bright s2n warmed my 9ace. I was 9ee7ing better: b2t sti77 not one h2ndred percent yet. eing sic8 made me over7y tired. Ryan was <2iet as he repeated7y cast his 7ine o2t in the water. ) 9ew times it appeared that he was going to say something to me: b2t then he=d t2rn away to sha8e his head ever so s7ight7y. .)ren=t yo2 going to 9ish today34 he as8ed 9ina77y. .-aybe in a 7itt7e whi7eC I=m rea77y com9ortab7e >2st resting here.4 Ryan stared at me 9or a moment. .)re yo2 s2re yo2=re 9ee7ing 2p to being o2t here34 he as8ed: tr27y so2nding concerned. .1esE I=m act2a77y <2ite content. I=m in a boat: o2t on a 7a8e on a bea2ti927: s2nny day. I don=t have to be anywhere doing anything. !o one is bar8ing orders at me. I am thoro2gh7y en>oying the simp7e p7eas2res in 7i9e.4 I smi7ed at him. .1es: this is very coo7E4 Be grinned in agreement. .I was wondering something:4 he as8ed as he 7oo8ed at me a moment 7ater. .0o yo2r 9riends 8now how we met34 I was con92sed why he wo27d as8 that. I 9e7t my eyebrows p277 together when I

pondered his <2estion. ./hat do yo2 mean34 I needed him to c7ari9y. .-y embarrassing r2n into yo2r p2b. 0id yo2 te77 them abo2t that34 .!oE4 I said <2ic87y: con9irming my tr2stworthiness. .I mean they 8now that yo2 came into the bar: b2t none o9 them 8now 2nder what circ2mstances. I=m sorry. I promised yo2 that I wo27d never say anything b2t I had no choice to te77 them that yo2 came in once be9ore * it was the on7y way I co27d get past the <2estions so yo2 co27d >oin 2s 9or po8er. .I swear the on7y thing I said was that yo2 came in 9or a beer one a9ternoon. I didn=t te77 them anything e7se.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 92nny. .That=s o8ayE I >2st 9ig2red yo2 were pretty c7ose with yo2r 9riends that yo2 wo27d have to7d them abo2t my r2n 2p yo2r steps.4 .!o.4 I shoo8 my head 9ierce7y. .It=s none o9 their b2siness. Ryan: what happened to yo2 was private. esides: I made a promise to yo2 that I wo27d never say anything. I=77 never brea8 that promise.4 Be smi7ed sweet7y at me be9ore casting his 7ine bac8 o2t into the water. I pic8ed 2p my 9ishing po7e and c7ipped a 7itt7e bobber to the 7ine. I didn=t want him to 9ee7 7i8e he was 9ishing a7one: so I cast my 7ine o2t and res2med my 7o2nging position in the boat. I9 I ca2ght a 9ish: the bobber wo27d dip down into the water. Two min2tes 7ater I had a nibb7e and ree7ed in the 9irst catch o9 the day. )nother bass was on the 7ine. Ryan too8 the 9ish o99 the hoo8 9or me. I was too b2nd7ed 2p to move that 9ar. .Be=s a tiny oneE4 Ryan said: e;amining the 7itt7e 9ish 2p c7ose. .?8ay: that=s two days in a row that yo2 ca2ght the 9irst 9ish:4 he >eered. .Iea7o2s m2ch34 I teased. .1o2=77 catch the ne;t 9ive anyway.4 .I=m abo2t as >ea7o2s as yo2 are:4 he said 97at7y. /ith a <2ic8 97ic8: he tossed my 7itt7e 9ish bac8 in the water. .Taryn: I want yo2 to promise me something.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 2nti7 o2r eyes met. .I want yo2 to promise that yo2 won=t be7ieve anything yo2 read or hear abo2t me.4 I opened my mo2th to spea8: even tho2gh I wasn=t e;act7y s2re what I was going to say. .I2st promise me:4 he insisted.

.I promise:4 I vowed. .I9 yo2 have any <2estions or yo2 want to 8now something: yo2 as8 me 9irst be9ore yo2 be7ieve any o9 the trash: o8ay34 Bis 9ace twisted in ang2ish. .I wi77.4 .Aood.4 Bis e;pression re7a;ed s7ight7y: b2t I co27d te77 he was sti77 deep in tho2ght. -y mind 97ashed over the <2estions that were sti77 o2tstanding in my brain and I wondered i9 it was sa9e eno2gh 6 i9 o2r 9riendship was strong eno2gh 6 9or me to as8. .oes he have di99erent women in his bed a77 the time3 /as he dating or >2gg7ing severa7 women right now3 /as acting worth giving 2p his 9reedom3 I 7oo8ed over at him as he sat peace9277y 9ishing o2t on this bea2ti927 7a8e. I 8new he was 7iving in some psychotic 9ish bow7: 2nder constant scr2tiny. 0o I dare bring 2p any to2chy s2b>ects3 There was one <2estion I 9e7t I had the right to as8. .Ryan34 I pa2sed 2nti7 he 7oo8ed at me. .I do have one <2estion. Since yo2=ve a7ready as8ed me this <2estion and I gave yo2 an honest answer: I=d 7i8e to hear yo2r honest answer too.4 Bis eyes narrowed with con92sion. .)re yo2H are yo2 invo7ved with anyoneHnow3 I mean: I pres2me yo2=re dating peop7e.4 I was so nervo2s as8ing I co27dn=t he7p b2t stammer over my words. 2t I needed to 8now i9 I was part o9 a co77ective. Bis 9ace was e;pression7ess: so I 9e7t I had to contin2e. .It=s >2stH yo2 as8ed me: the 9irst day we met. I >2st wondered.4 Bis e;pression changed 9rom a b7an8 stare to a grin. Be 7oo8ed me in the eyes. .!o:4 he said: smir8ing at me. .I=m not seeing anyone. )nd to answer the other <2estion yo2=re not as8ing: the answer is months 6 severa7 months.4 ./hy is that34 I as8ed hesitant7y. Be g7ared at me again be9ore answering. .Bow can I ever 8now i9 someone wants to be with the ce7ebrity or i9 they=re enamored with a character I=ve portrayed3 The 7ines get b72rred between what I am and who I am.4 Be shoo8 his head in disg2st. .Then there=s theH 9ear o9 having intimate detai7s appear in print. I a7ready have eno2gh to dea7 with when they print the 7ies.4 Be started r2bbing his 9orehead and I 8new this was to2gh 9or him to ta78 abo2t.

.I=m sorry:4 I whispered. .I 6 I sho27dn=t have as8ed.4 ./hy wo27d yo2 say that34 Bis brows p277ed together as he 7oo8ed at me. .I 9ee7 bad 9or bringing it 2p. 1o2 have eno2gh stress to dea7 with * yo2 don=t need me as8ing st2pid <2estions.4 .The 9act that yo2=re here: with me: gives yo2 the right to 8now. This isn=t >2st abo2t meE 0on=t thin8 9or one second that I haven=t considered how this a99ects yo2 and yo2r privacy. .I=ve been seen in yo2r p2b twice. The paparaDDi aren=t st2pid. I=ve tried to 8eep my reason 9or being there hidden: b2t I didn=t do a very good >ob. R2mors abo2t me staring at yo2 have a7ready been printed.4 Be h2ng his head down and grabbed the bott7e o9 soda that set between his 9eet. .I don=t care that they=ve printed that I was 7oo8ing at yo2: b2t be7ieve me I do care that they 7eave yo2 a7one. @7ease te77 me immediate7y i9*4 .Ryan: how can yo2 stand this34 I interr2pted. .1o2 are entit7ed to a 7i9eE 1o2 deserve to be happyE Is this career worth it34 I co27dn=t ho7d it in anymore. Be 7oo8ed o2t over the water. I co27d te77 that he was torn. .1es and no:4 he answered. .I 7i8e doing what I do. I 7ove being an actor. 2t the psychotic b277shit that comes with it is something I didn=t see coming. It=s a77 become very overwhe7ming.4 .I 9ee7 bad 9or yo2:4 I whispered. Be 7oo8ed at me: con92sed. .It=s not right that yo2 have to pay s2ch a steep price 9or doing something yo2 7ove. (specia77y since what yo2 do is meant to be a gi9t to the p2b7ic that torments yo2. 1o2=re an entertainerC yo2 sho27dn=t have to hide: b2t I 8now why yo2 have to. I 8now that they never 7eave yo2 a7one * that yo2=re constant7y ho2nded.4 .That=s an 2nderstatement:4 he m2ttered. .Taryn: I really 7i8e being aro2nd yo2: b2t I=m a9raid thatH4 he pa2sed to ta8e a deep breath. 5oure afraid that it ant ontinue% .ont be a oward, !ust say it% I "new it was oming eventually% .1o2 have to rea7iDe that being aro2nd me comes at a price 9or yo2 too. I need to 8now that yo2 2nderstand what yo2=re getting yo2rse79 into being with me.4

&eing with you# Well, that wasnt what I e0pe ted% -y tho2ghts were tang7ed >2st 7oo8ing at him. .I 7i8e being aro2nd yo2 too:4 I admitted so9t7y. ./e both 8now that I don=t come 9rom yo2r wor7d: b2t I have a 9air7y good 2nderstanding o9 how things are 9or yo2. .Ryan: I=77 do what I have to: to be part o9 that 9or yo2 i9 yo2 want me to. I=77 dea7 with the craDiness: beca2se I 8now that comes a7ong with being withH4 TA85$, youre slipping! .Um: I mean: o9 being yo2r 9riend:4 I corrected myse79. .1o2 wo27d do that 9or me34 he as8ed: <2estioning my 7oya7ty. .1es:4 I answered witho2t hesitation. .1es: I wi77.4 .)nd yo2=d dea7 with the paparaDDi: and the 9ans: and the invasion o9 yo2r privacy3 0o yo2 even 8now what yo2=re saying yes to34 he m2rm2red as he scratched his head. .1o2 dea7 with it. /hy is it so hard to be7ieve that someone e7se wo27d do the same 9or yo234 .It=s a 7ot to as8 o9 someone:4 he m2ttered: a7most appearing g2i7ty. Bis sho27ders were h2nched as he r2bbed his 9orehead repeated7y. .) 7ot.4 ./e77: i9 yo2 want me to be yo2r 9riend then yo2 have to give me the bene9it o9 the do2bt that I can hand7e it:4 I said b72nt7y. .The media wi77 dig 9or dirt on yo2. Is there anything I need to 8now be9ore the rest o9 the wor7d 8nows34 Be eyed me intense7y. .There is nothing that I=ve been thro2gh that I=m ashamed o9:4 I stated direct7y. .I=ve a7ready to7d yo2 a 7ot abo2t me. I=ve never done dr2gs or been arrested. I=ve never posed n2de or made embarrassing se; tapes either.4 I ch2c87ed 7ight7y 9rom my admission. .I don=t have any s8e7etons in my c7oset.4 -y 7ast comment ca2sed him to smi7e brie97y: b2t o2r moment o9 7evity didn=t 7ast. Be contin2ed on with his rant. .1o2=77 have to watch everything yo2 do: everything yo2 say. 1o2=77 be pressed 9or answersC they=77 ho2nd yo2 9or detai7s.4 Bis 7ips c2r7ed 2p on his teeth 9rom the tho2ghts. .They wi77 provo8e yo2 with statements and a77egations to get yo2 to respond. 1o2=77 be 9o77owed and photographed. Can yo2 hand7e that too34 Bis tone was a7most arg2mentative.

./ho are yo2 trying to convince: me or yo234 I spo8e <2iet7y. .Ryan: i9 yo2 want me in yo2r 7i9eH i9 yo2 want to be 9riends: then I=77 dea7 with it. 2t it so2nds 7i8e yo2=re trying to ta78 one o9 2s o2t o9 it.4 .It=s 7i8e inviting someone into yo2r nightmares. It=s not right 9or me to do that to yo2:4 he m2ttered r2e9277y. .So what3 1o2=re not a77owed to have 9riends or be c7ose to anyone3 ?r have a good time and 7ive yo2r 7i9e3 I=m sorry: b2t I=m not going to a77ow them to decide that 9or me or yo2.4 I wrapped my arms aro2nd my 8nees. .)nd i9 yo2 thin8 that I=m going to be scared away beca2se o9 them 6 beca2se o9 the bad st299 that yo2 have to end2re: then yo2 have the wrong impression o9 me.4 )s I spo8e I s2dden7y became overwhe7med with mi;ed emotions. I was going thro2gh a77 this e99ort to try to be his 9riend whi7e deep inside I 7onged 9or so m2ch more. .I don=t have that impression o9 yo2C that=s another reason why we are here now.4 Ryan smi7ed at me and 7et o2t a big sigh. )nger and disg2st: directed so7e7y at myse79: crept 2p into my chest and b2rned my throat. Why are we here now# Why am I even in this boat with you# I 8ept ma8ing mista8es: s7ips... one a9ter another. I ant fall in love with you% I ant allow myself to long for something that would never / ould never be% Im !ust "idding myself% The serene 7a8e s2dden7y 9e7t 7i8e shar8*in9ested waters. I had to get o2t o9 this boat and bac8 to sa9e gro2nd * 9ast. I 9o2ght the 2rge to >2mp in the 7a8e and swim 9or shore. I 7oo8ed at the time on my ce77 phone. .It=s a7most two o=c7oc8. I sho27d get yo2 bac8. I=m s2re yo2 have things yo2 have to do.4 .!ot rea77y:4 he admitted: 7oo8ing me in the eyes again. .I >2st ass2medH it is po8er night: isn=t it34 0espite my compo2nding 9ears I co27dn=t he7p b2t reve7 in the 9act that he was going to be with me tonight as we77. .I=m h2ngry:4 Ryan mentioned as we wa78ed 2p to the cabin. .I=m starting to get a headache.4 ./e can stop 9or something on the way bac8. Bow does piDDa so2nd34 I drove 2s o2t onto the highway and Ryan moved his arm to rest his hand on the top

o9 my driver=s seat. (very once and a whi7e he wo27d twist his 9inger into my hair on the top o9 my head. It made me shiver and smi7e. .0oes that tic87e34 he as8ed. .1eah: it doesE4 I gigg7ed: b2t he 8ept on doing it. (very time I tried to reach 9or his 9inger: he=d move his hand away and ch2c87e. ?2r 7itt7e game was 92n. )bo2t the ninth time: I managed to reach 2p 9ast eno2gh with my right hand and I 97attened his hand on my head. Be twisted his 9inger once more in my hair 2nder my hand. .?8ay: I=77 stop then:4 he anno2nced: and then he made a move that st2nned me. Be <2ic87y gathered my hand in his and re7ocated o2r >oined hands to rest on his thigh. I g7anced over at him in shoc8. I 9e7t a s7ight r2sh when my heart s8ipped a beatC the sensation o9 his to2ch 97ooded my veins. Ryan was staring intent7y at o2r >oined handsC s7ow7y he opened his grip and 9reed my hand b2t I didn=t p277 away 6 I didn=t want to p277 away even tho2gh I 8new I sho27d. -y desire 9or him overpowered a77 7ogica7 reasoning. ) sma77 grin appeared on his 7ips. )9ter a 9ew min2tes: he repositioned my hand: setting it to rest pa7m down on his thigh. Ryan re7eased me: then 2sed his 7e9t hand to cas2a77y scratch his chin: a77 the whi7e watching my hand on his 7eg. I smi7ed: ass2ming this was another test. Be pa2sed to see i9 I=d p277 my hand away. Be was 9ee7ing me o2t to see how I=d react. I 7e9t my hand where he set it. Be p7aced his hand on top o9 mine and wove o2r 9ingers together. The smi7e on his 9ace was breathta8ing. Be ad>2sted his seat to rec7ine 92rther bac8: breathed o2t a contented sigh: and c7osed his eyes. The s2n was a7ready setting when I p277ed my car down the a77ey. I p2rpose7y made s2re that the passenger door wo27d open to the bac8 door o9 my p2b so Ryan co27d get inside <2ic87y. I 7oo8ed 2p and down the a77ey 9irstC I was on the a7ert >2st in case there were paparaDDi on the 7oose. I he7d the bac8 door open whi7e he darted 9rom the car to the 8itchen. It was a re7ie9 when Ryan was inside sa9e7y. .Stay inside. I=77 get the coo7er and bags.4 Ryan 7oo8ed angry and he7p7ess as he stood there. I co27d te77 he wanted to >2st wa78

o2t into the a77ey and p277 the coo7er 9rom the tr2n8: b2t he co27dn=t. /e co27d not a99ord to ma8e any mista8es. Be started to breach the doorway to he7p me. .Ryan: someone might see yo2E It=s a77 right. I got it. @7ease: >2st bac8 2p.4 )s soon as he co27d: he too8 the coo7er o2t o9 my hands and s7id it into the dar8 8itchen. .Bere: 7et me have those.4 Be s7ipped his bag and mine 9rom my sho27der. .Is that everything34 .I2st the piDDa and o2r drin8s yet: then that=s it.4 I 7eaned bac8 into the car and grabbed the piDDa bo; o99 o9 the bac8 seat. /hen I handed him the bo;: he was smi7ing devi7ish7y at me. ./hat34 I as8ed: dying to 8now why he was grinning. .!othingE4 he stated as he 9a8ed a swing to smac8 me on the b2tt. .?8ay * we77 I=m going to par8 my car. 1o2 can 7oc8 this door * wait: 7et me t2rn on a 7ight 9or yo2 9irst. I=77 come thro2gh the 9ront.4 I drove down the a77ey and par8ed my car in my norma7 spot in the 7ot on the corner o9 -27berry. )s I wa78ed towards the p2b: I noticed someone sitting in an o7d car across the street. I co27dn=t te77 i9 it was a man or a woman: b2t I co27d see the dar8 o2t7ine o9 a person. .ont get paranoid already: I said to myse79. I <2ic87y 2n7oc8ed the 9ront door to my p2b and h2rried inside. )bo2t a ha79 ho2r 7ater: @ete and Tammy arrived 9or po8er. .Bey 8idsE4 @ete sho2ted. .Bey RyanE Aood to see yo2: manE4 .Bey @eteE4 Ryan shoo8 his hand. .Bow=s it going34 .I bro2ght some dessert:4 Tammy gigg7ed happi7y. She s7id a tray o9 choco7ate dipped something*or*others onto the bar. .I tho2ght we might samp7e these * 7et me 8now i9 it wo27d be something good to serve on S2nday 9or the party.4 I noticed the sm2g smi7e and win8 she gave me when she tho2ght no one e7se was 7oo8ing. .Bow=s it going34 Tammy as8ed <2iet7y. .Aood: rea7 goodE4 I said: even tho2gh at that very moment I was 9ighting o99 a wave o9 na2sea. .0id yo2 have a good time 2p there34 she whispered in my ear.

I nodded and smi7ed. I didn=t intend to share any detai7s with anyone. ?2r wee8end was o2rs and o2rs a7one and I wanted Ryan to 8now that I wo27dn=t spi77 anything: even to my c7osest 9riends. esides: he was watching me o2t o9 the corner o9 his eye. I bro2ght 9resh m2gs over to Ryan and @ete and po2red them a beer 9rom the pitcher. .Than8sE4 Ryan smi7ed when I set his g7ass in 9ront o9 him. ) stic8 o9 pain shot into my stomach: ca2sing me to h2nch and wince. .So: Ryan: how were they biting 2p at the 7a8e34 @ete as8ed whi7e waiting with an open hand 9or the beer I was po2ring 9or him. .AoodE /e both ca2ght a 7ot. )7tho2gh Taryn ca2ght the 9irst one on both days.4 Be win8ed and <2ic87y patted the bac8 o9 my thigh. .1eah: b2t yo2 sti77 ca2ght more than I did:4 I added. I wanted to give him his 9air d2e too. I sat down in the chair ne;t to Ryan and too8 a big sip o9 ginger a7e. The s7ice o9 piDDa that I ate was sitting in my stomach 7i8e a roc8. I contemp7ated resting my head on the tab7e 9or a moment. .!ot drin8ing tonight: Taryn34 @ete as8ed: pointing at my g7ass o9 soda. I s2dden7y 9e7t 7ightheaded. .!o. I have a bit o9 an 2pset stomach.4 Ryan 7eaned over and whispered: .)re yo2 o8ay3 1o2 9ee7ing sic8 again34 .I=m 9ine:4 I 7ied: wincing 9rom the new shot o9 pain that hit my abdomen. ./ere yo2 sic834 @ete as8ed: <2estioning my condition. I >2st stared at the tab7e. I wasn=t going to say anythingC besides I was 9ee7ing that I might be sic8 again 6 the sa7iva was poo7ing in my mo2th. Ryan patted my 7eg private7y 2nder the tab7e and sighed. . oth o9 2s were rea77y sic8 7ast night. /e=re not s2re what made 2s sic8: b2t we de9inite7y had 9ood poisoning: that=s 9or s2reE4 he e;p7ained: gent7y r2bbing my bac8. .(;c2se me: p7ease:4 I m2rm2red: dashing 9or my stairs. I made it to my bathroom >2st in time to bring the piDDa bac8 2p. -y hands c7enched the toi7et seat as the stomach acid b2rned my throat. .Taryn34 Ryan ca77ed o2t. .)re yo2 a77 right34 I was br2shing my teeth when he came aro2nd the corner. .(verything o8ay34 I 9e7t s7ight7y diDDy when I motioned my rep7y. .!o. I >2st got sic8 again. The piDDa.4

./hy don=t yo2 >2st cance7 po8er and go 7ay down3 1o2=re not going to have any 92n i9 yo2=re 9ee7ing 7o2sy.4 Ryan stepped into the bathroom and pressed his hand against my 9orehead. .It 9ee7s 7i8e yo2=re r2nning a s7ight 9ever too.4 .I can=t cance7 on them. /hy don=t yo2 >2st go down and p7ay3 Ao have 92n. -aybe I=77 come down 7ater i9 I 9ee7 better.4 .!o. I=m staying with yo2. I=77 be right bac8.4 Be was gone be9ore I co27d even respond. I went to my bedroom to change into com9y c7othes. Resting on the co2ch so2nded very appea7ing. Staying c7ose to my bathroom was even more appea7ing. I had >2st p277ed the <2i7t o99 the bac8 o9 the co2ch and onto my 7ap when Ryan came bac8 thro2gh my door. .@ete ca77ed -arie and to7d her yo2 weren=t 9ee7ing we77:4 Ryan said whi7e th2mbing thro2gh his ce77 phone. ./e e;changed ce77 n2mbers. I have -arie=s n2mber too. I to7d @ete I=d ca77 him 7ater to 7et him 8now how yo2=re doing.4 .1o2 didn=t have to do that:4 I whispered. .)77 o9 yo2 co27d have sti77 p7ayed. I 9ee7 horrib7e 9or r2ining yo2r night and brea8ing -onday tradition.4 .0on=t be ridic27o2s. /e wo27dn=t p7ay witho2t yo2. Bere: I bro2ght yo2 a new g7ass o9 ginger a7e. 1o2 sho27d drin8 some water too. /e=re both probab7y dehydrated.4 Be set the g7ass down on the tab7e. .I rea77y don=t need any beer in my stomach either.4 .Than8 yo2:4 I said sincere7y. .I thin8 yo2=re right abo2t being dehydrated. That=s probab7y why I 9ee7 so achy. I sho27d drin8 some water.4 I p277ed the <2i7t o99 my 7ap. ./o27d yo2 7i8e to see the rest o9 the p7ace34 I too8 him 9or a <2ic8 to2r o9 my apartment. .This is the 7a2ndry room here and then these are the stairs that 7ead 2p to the roo9.4 Be 9o77owed me bac8 down the ha77 to the 8itchen. ./ow: this is a rea77y nice p7ace yo2 haveE This 8itchen is bea2ti927E I 7ove the granite co2ntertops and the cherry cabinets. /ine 9ridge and everything.4 .Than8s. I >2st had it re*done a 9ew months ago. It 2sed to be a horrib7e green co7or with white cabinets. It was rea77y depressing. The bathroom is going to be my ne;t pro>ect. /o27d yo2 7i8e some water34 I p277ed g7asses o2t o9 the cabinet 9or both o9 2s. /hi7e I was 9i77ing o2r g7asses: I menta77y <2estioned why he was so wi77ing to hang o2t with some gir7 who >2st threw 2p. S2re7y he had better things to do. 2t then he did

intend to hang o2t with me a77 evening anyway to p7ay po8er: so I g2ess it didn=t ma8e a di99erence to him how he spent those ho2rs. I was >2st re7ieved that I had him here with me where he was protected 9rom the insanity. .0o yo2 want to watch some TF34 he as8ed whi7e 8ic8ing his snea8ers o99. -y insides warmed: 8nowing he wanted to stay with me. Be removed the throw pi77ow and nest7ed his body into the corner o9 the co2ch. .Bere: why don=t yo2 7ay down:4 he instr2cted as he p7aced the pi77ow ne;t to his 7eg. .!o: that=s o8ay. I=m 9ine.4 I sat down on the opposite end o9 the co2ch and c2r7ed my 9eet 2nderneath me. I was a9raid I might 9ee7 na2seo2s again i9 I 7ay down. Bis 7ips p277ed together and he gave me a disappointed 7oo8. Ryan wigg7ed his phone o2t o9 his poc8et to 7isten to his voice mai7. It so2nded 7i8e he de7eted thirty messages. Considering how in*demand he was: I was s2rprised that he didn=t ta8e any ca77s whi7e we were 9ishing. Come to thin8 o9 it: he hadn=t ta8en any ca77s at a77 whi7e he was with me. Bis 9ingers tapped two more times be9ore he he7d the phone 2p to his ear. .Bi 0ad:4 he said cheer9277y. ./hat are yo2 2p to34 I 7oo8ed over at him and smi7ed. I was g7ad that he was the type o9 man who tho2ght eno2gh o9 his parents to ca77 them. Ryan smi7ed bac8 at me. It was impossib7e not to 7isten to his conversation since he was sitting three 9eet away b2t I tried to appear distracted. /hi7e he ta78ed: I 97ipped thro2gh the channe7s 7oo8ing 9or something to watch. .1o2=77 never g2ess what I did yesterday and today. I was 9ishingE4 Be to7d his 9ather a77 abo2t the 7a8e and the cabin and how re7a;ed he 9e7t. It secret7y de7ighted me to 8now he was happy and content. .Taryn: where=s my bag34 .They=re sti77 down in the 8itchen.4 Be s7ipped o2t the apartment door and trotted down the steps. /hen he 7e9t: I 9ig2red he wo27d have contin2ed his conversation in private: b2t he >2st ran downstairs: grabbed o2r bags: and came bac8 instant7y to res2me his position on the co2ch. .0id yo2 boo8 a 97ight yet3 I have to chec8 my ca7endar.4 Be started tapping the screen on his phone. .0ad: >2st hang on a second. ?8ay:4 he said whi7e to2ching thro2gh a ca7endar.

.-om=s birthday is 5riday the thirty*9irst. !o: I=m sched27ed to be on set. I9 yo2 97y in /ednesday night then yo2 can stay 9or the wee8end.4 It was apparent by his tone that he was 7oo8ing 9orward to seeing his parents. /hi7e he ta78ed: I wondered what his parents 7oo8ed 7i8e. 0id Ryan 7oo8 7i8e his mother or did he ta8e a9ter his 9ather3 The way he spo8e to his dad made it c7ear that they had a great re7ationship. .I have to wor8 on the seventeenth. It=s no big dea7. /e can ce7ebrate my birthday when I come home 9or Than8sgiving. ?8ay: 7et me ta78 to momH4 I 7oo8ed over at him when he indicated his birthday was coming 2p: apparent7y in !ovember since he mentioned Than8sgiving. Be=d be t2rning twenty*seven this year too. .Bi -om. Bow are yo23 I=m at a 9riend=s p7ace. )er name is Taryn.4 Be win8ed at me. .It=s a 7ong storyC I=77 te77 yo2 7aterH beca2se she=s sitting right ne;t to me: -om. She=s a sweetheartE 1o2 are going to 7ove her.4 I tho2ght he might 7i8e some privacy and I was 8ind o9 hoping he might say more i9 I wasn=t in the room: so I 2ncovered my 7egs <2ic87y and went to the 8itchen. I 9i77ed my g7ass 2p with water and searched thro2gh the pantry 9or something b7and to eat. I had >2st 9o2nd a bo; o9 crac8ers when Ryan came into the 8itchen: sti77 on his phone. Be started to r2b his 9orehead. .It=s getting worse: -om. I can=t go anywhere.4 I didn=t need to hear her <2estions to 8now what they were. I 7eaned my e7bows on the co2nter and rested my head in my hands. I had a s7ight headache 9rom being sic8 and not having any 9ood in my system. The cabinet c7osest to the re9rigerator was where I 8ept most o9 my medicine. I 9o2nd the aspirin b2t Ryan snatched the bott7e right o2t o9 my hand. .1o2 sho27dn=t ta8e these now. -om: Taryn was going to ta8e some aspirin b2t she sho27dn=t ta8e them on an empty stomach.4 I 7oo8ed at him: p2DD7ed. .It co27d 2pset yo2r stomach even worse:4 he said. ./e=ve both been sic8: -om. I thin8 we had 9ood poisoning 7ast night b2t Taryn sti77 isn=t ab7e to 8eep anything down. Can she ta8e aspirin on an empty stomach3 I didn=t thin8 so.4 Be smir8ed. I dropped my sho27dersC I was doomed to dea7 with the pain. Ryan stepped c7oser and

9e7t my 9orehead again. I g2ess my temperat2re was acceptab7eC he opened the bo; o9 crac8ers and tore open a s7eeve 9or me. I was per9ect7y capab7e o9 opening the crac8er bo;: b2t at the same time I 7oved that he was ta8ing care o9 me. )nd here I tho2ght that he was the one who needed ta8ing care o9. .-y mom says yo2 sho27d try and eat some toast and we sho27d drin8 7ots o9 water.4 Be swept my hair o99 my sho27der with his 9inger: gaDing at me again. .I=m sure yo2=77 get to meet her when yo2 visit: -om.4 Be smi7ed: appearing so happy. .I=77 te77 yo2 a77 abo2t herH later,4 he whispered. Toast so2nded good: b2t hearing him te77ing his mother that we=d get to meet each other one day comp7ete7y st2nned me. .)77 right -om: I 7ove yo2 too. I=77 ca77 yo2 7ater tonight.4 Be ended his ca77 and popped a crac8er in his mo2th. .0o yo2 have a toaster34 I opened the 7ower cabinet where it was stored. ./hy don=t yo2 go re7a;3 I=ve got this.4 Ryan too8 ho7d o9 my sho27ders and g2ided me towards the ha77. I smi7ed on my way bac8 to my 7iving room. I co27d not be7ieve that Ryan wanted to ma8e toast 9or me. -y heart s2dden7y 9e7t very 9277. .So what do yo2r parents thin8 o9 a77 this attention yo2=ve been getting34 I as8ed whi7e we both m2nched on toast o2t on the co2ch. .I g2ess they=re overwhe7med. Their 7ives have changed too beca2se o9 me. -y mom and dad te77 me that they=re pro2d: yo2 8now: b2t they a7so 7et me 8now that they=re concerned. -y mom 8eeps te77ing me to 8eep my 9eet on the gro2nd.4 I nodded in conc2rrence. .1o2=re going to have to a7ways 8eep it in chec8. I2st don=t 7et the 9ame and notoriety t2rn yo2 into someone yo2=re not. 1o2r parents 7ove the son that they raised: not the ce7ebrity yo2=ve become.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 92nny and grinned. .0o yo2 8now that my mom said the same e;act thing to me3 )nd yo2=re right:4 he answered dry7y: .b2t yo2 don=t 8now how it is.4 .!o: I don=t:4 I agreed in my so9test voice. .)nd I=m not going to sit here and pretend that I have a c72e o9 what this is 7i8e 9or yo2. 1o2=77 have to e;p7ain it to me i9 yo2 want me to 2nderstand.4 Be shoo8 his head and shr2gged. ./hen I=m on set wor8ing: things are great. I 7ove

itE 2t since I did Seaside, things have been craDy. The who7e 9an thing isH I don=t 8nowH incomprehensib7e. It=s constant press2re to 7ive 2p to the hype. Some days it s<2eeDes harder than others.4 It was apparent7y di99ic27t 9or him to 9ind the words to ta78 abo2t it. ./e77: >2st remember who yo2 are: and try not to 7et this get bigger than that. The min2te yo2 stop being h2mb7e: yo2=77 be in tro2b7e.4 Be nodded his head in agreement. .Ryan: yo2 don=t seem to be the type o9 person who got into acting beca2se yo2 have to 9eed yo2r ego. 1o2=re apparent7y rea77y good at it: and yo2 7ove doing it. It=s the career path yo2=ve chosen to 9o77ow: b2t it=s not who yo2 are in here:4 I said as I patted my own heart with my hand. .I2st 8eep 9oc2sed on the 9act that it=s yo2r >ob and don=t 7et it de9ine yo2. 1o2=77 be o8ay.4 .1o2 so2nd 7i8e my mother:4 he in9ormed. .!o: I=m not trying to mother yo2:4 I de9ended <2ic87y. .!o: no. That=s not what I meanE4 Be 7a2ghed. .I mean that yo2=re saying the same things my mom has said to me. It=s biDarreE4 ./e77 yo2r mother is obvio2s7y a bri77iant woman:4 I amended. .She 8eeps te77ing me to be care927 who I tr2st. Li8e I need the reminder.4 Be r2bbed his 9orehead again. .Ryan: I have a pretty good idea why yo2 have a hard time tr2sting peop7e and why yo2 have to <2estion the va7idity o9 everything and everyone.4 I ti7ted my head 2nti7 his eyes met mine. .)nd I 8now I have to earn yo2r tr2st 6 >2st 7i8e yo2 have to earn mine. /e=re >2st two peop7e trying to be 9riends. /e both have a 7ot to ris8. 2t I 8now yo2r ris8 is m2ch higher 6 it ta8es away yo2r 9reedom and p2ts yo2 in danger.4 .I 8now. This b2siness ma8es it hard to tr2st peop7e. Then when trivia7 things 7i8e what I had 9or dinner becomes head7ine news: it rea77y messes with yo2r head.4 ./e77: I so7emn7y swear that I wi77 not div27ge that in9ormation to anyone. I=77 ta8e it a77 to my graveE4 .1eah: I g2ess yo2=re pretty tr2stworthy. 1o2 wo27dn=t even te77 yo2r best 9riends that yo2 p28ed yo2r g2ts o2t 7ast night:4 he teased. .!o:4 I corrected. .I wo27dn=t te77 my best 9riends that you p28ed your g2ts o2t 7ast

night.4 .Spea8ing o9 p28ingH how are yo2 9ee7ing3 Is the toast doing the tric834 I nodded my head and too8 a sip o9 ginger a7e. .I=m starting to 9ee7 better: than8s.4 .Aood:4 he said as he p7ay9277y tossed a pi77ow at me. I 9a8ed 7i8e I was going to toss the pi77ow bac8 at him: b2t instead I >2st set it down ne;t to my 7eg. Bis eyes 97ic8ered between 7oo8ing at the pi77ow and 7oo8ing at me. /ith a <2ic8 72nge: he c2r7ed his body down on the co2ch. It seemed 7i8e he p2rpose7y 9idd7ed with the pi77ow 2nti7 it was in the per9ect position 2nder his head b2t most7y on my thigh. Bis 9eet h2ng o2t over the edge. ?2r eyes met and I instant7y 9e7t his p277. I co27dn=t resist it any 7onger. /itho2t even thin8ing: I so9t7y ran my 9ingers thro2gh his hair. Bis eyes c7osed and he sighed as I to2ched him. Be too8 my other hand o99 his sho27der and 7aid it across his heart.

Chapter 1 Ref"ections

.Tar 6 h2rry 2p: they=re going to rep7ay itE4 Ryan ye77ed 9rom the co2ch. I was re9i77ing my water at the re9rigerator in the 8itchen. ./atch thisE /atchE The idiot is going to 7ight the dynamite and then he doesn=t r2n. I can=t be7ieve they are showing this on TFE /aitH it=s going to b7ow him bac8 7i8e thirty 9eet. ?hE ?hE )nd boomE4 he echoed. I winced a9ter seeing some moron 97y thro2gh the air 9rom sheer st2pidity. I res2med my spot on the co2chC Ryan ad>2sted the pi77ow on my thigh and p277ed my hand bac8 to his chest. .I wonder how 7ong he was in the hospita7 a9ter that one:4 I as8ed: 7eaning more o9 my body onto him so I co27d stro8e his hair again. /e were so com9ortab7e together. .This is the bad thing abo2t te7evision * three min2tes o9 show and eight min2tes o9 commercia7s:4 he groaned. Be was >2st abo2t to t2rn the channe7 to something e7se when his phone chimed in his poc8et. Be 7oo8ed at the n2mber be9ore accepting the ca77. .Bey @eteE 1eah: she=s 9ee7ing better.4 Bis eyes 7oo8ed 2p at me and his hand reached 9or my 9orehead. ./e were >2st watching Mega 60plosions. 1o2=re watching it too3 ?h my Aod: did yo2 see that g2y3 /hat an assho7eE /hat did he thin" was gonna happen34 /hi7e he was 7ying across my 7ap: I was secret7y reve7ing in the 9act that Ryan and @ete were getting a7ong so we77. I had a7ways hoped that whoever I was with wo27d get a7ong with my 9riends. -y e;*9iancP Thomas and @ete never saw eye to eye. There was a7ways tension between them. I sho27d have ta8en that as a warning sign right 9rom the get*go: b2t I tried to ma8e everyone happy whi7e being <2iet7y miserab7e inside. 2t Ryan and @ete seemed to be in per9ect synch right 9rom the start. ) h2ge smi7e crossed my 7ips.

.Bere: @ete wants to ta78 to yo2.4 Ryan handed his phone to me. .Bey sweetie: how are yo2 9ee7ing34 @ete as8ed. .I=m 9ee7ing better: than8s. I=m sti77 achy tho2gh. Ryan made me toast and it he7ped to ta8e my headache away.4 .?h: 8yan made yo2 toast: did he34 he teased. .1esH and yo2r point34 I snic8ered. .!othing. I=m >2st happy 9or ya. )nd I=m g7ad that yo2=re 9ee7ing better. Tammy wants yo2 to ca77 her tomorrow. 1o2 two need to iron o2t the 9ina7 men2 9or S2nday so we can get the 9ood on order.4 .?8ay: I wi77. 2t I don=t want any sea9ood 9rom Shec8ys. I=m pretty s2re it was the 7obster tai7s that made 2s sic8 7ast night. I got sic8 right a9ter eating it. I mean it tasted a77 right: b2t within a ha79 ho2r or so we were both vio7ent7y i77.4 I 7oo8ed down at Ryan and combed my 9ingers thro2gh his hair. .I don=t want any sea9ood 9rom wherever those tai7s came 9romE4 Ryan con9irmed 7o2d eno2gh 9or @ete to hear. .)77 right: I=77 te77 her that. /e77 I=m sorry yo2 weren=t 9ee7ing good: b2t it so2nds 7i8e yo2=re on the mend: soH hey: can I ta78 to Ryan again34 @ete as8ed. .1eahE S2re.4 I was momentari7y s2rprised by his re<2est. .1eah @ete: what=s 2p34 Ryan sat 2p to ta78. .1eah: I am: why3 They p7ay at eight on S2ndayC I was hoping to watch it.4 Be started chewing on his 9ingers again. .She is3 )re yo2 are 9rea8ing "idding me34 Bis eyes shot over to mine. The way he reacted made me wonder what they were ta78ing abo2t. .)re yo2 serio2s3 Unbe7ievab7eE4 Be breathed o2t a 7ong sigh. .That=sH rea77y good to 8now.4 Be ch2c87ed. .Than8sE4 Ryan had a h2ge grin on his 9ace as he shoved his phone bac8 in his poc8et. I was staring at him: hoping that he wo27d 7et me in on the conversation. .So: TarynH @ete te77s me that yo2 are a big*time @ittsb2rgh Stee7ers 9an. Is this tr2e34 .?h: yeahE )nd a h2ge @ens 9an too.4 I nodded. .1o2 7i8e ice hoc8ey: too34 Be 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was 7ying. .I 7ove hoc8ey:4 I said with a big yawn: 9ee7ing s7eepy and drained.

.1o2 8now I grew 2p near @ittsb2rgh: right34 he as8ed: waiting 9or my con9irmation. .!o: I didn=t. 1o2 on7y to7d me that yo2=re 9rom @ennsy7vania or G@ee)ye= as yo2 ca77 it. ?h wait: yo2 did te77 me that yo2 attended @itt.4 I yawned again. .So yo2 7i8e 9ootba77 too: I ta8e it34 Be was >2st sitting there sha8ing his head in disbe7ie9 again. ./hat34 I as8ed. .!othing:4 he dismissed my stare: getting 2p to stretch. I saw him g7ancing aro2nd: ta8ing in the sights o9 my di99erent be7ongings. Be ran his 9ingers over my 0F0 co77ection and commented that I didn=t have any o9 his movies. .Sorry: not a 9an.4 I shr2gged: teasing him. Be 7eered at me. ./ait a min2teE4 he said as he p277ed a 0F0 9rom the she79. .1o2 do have a movie I was inE4 Be showed the cover to me. I honest7y co27d not remember i9 he was in the movie or not. .1o2 weren=t in that movieE4 .)ct2a77y I am:4 he stressed. .-y part was s2pposed to be bigger: b2t I got edited down to on7y 9o2r spea8ing 7ines. I=m in the ma77 scene.4 Ryan started to reminisce abo2t the beginnings o9 his acting career and how his 7i9e was a7most norma7 bac8 in those days. Bow he co27d go o2t in p2b7ic and bare7y: i9 ever: be recogniDed. .So how many movies have yo2 been in34 .This Seaside we are 9i7ming now wi77 be my si;thC that=s inc72ding the sma77 ro7e in this movie.4 Be waved the 0F0 bo; in the air. .5irst 9i7m was an indie 97ic8 ca77ed 9orever Wanting More. It did so*so at the S2ndance 5i7m 5estiva7 b2t now it=s coming o2t on 0F0 6 go 9ig2re. Then I p7ayed )shby in Wat htower. I g2ess yo2 co27d say that=s the ro7e that got my name o2t there.4 ./ait: when did yo2 go to Ca7i9ornia34 ./hen I a2ditioned 9or Wat htower. I ended 2p sharing an apartment with )7an Sche97er.4 It didn=t ta8e Ryan 7ong to see the con92sion on my 9ace. .Be=s another actor I met when we started 9i7ming. 0id yo2 ever see Wat htower34

.!o:4 I said sheepish7y: s7ight7y embarrassed that I had never seen any o9 his movies. Be gave me a disapproving 7oo8. ./e77: yo2 didn=t miss m2ch. I died a horrib7e death in batt7e. Then I did this time7ess piece.4 Be p2t the 0F0 bac8 on the she79. ./hi7e my scenes were being edited down to >2st abo2t nothing: I started the 9irst Seaside. I >2st wrapped on a 9i7m ca77ed 8eparation a 9ew wee8s ago. 0id yo2 hear o9 that one yet34 he as8ed teasing7y. I 9e7t g2i7ty 6 that s2re7y meant I m2st have loo"ed g2i7ty too. .I=ve heard o9 Wat htower and Seaside * does that co2nt34 .I may have to ded2ct a 9ew points:4 he in9ormed. Ryan res2med per2sing my m2sic se7ection: occasiona77y s7ipping o2t a C0 to 7oo8 at it. .I wanted to b2y this one:4 he said: ho7ding a >ewe7 case 2p 9or me to see. .1o2 can borrow it i9 yo2=d 7i8e. I have it on my i@od.4 .Can I borrow this one tooH and this one34 Be started to ma8e a pi7e in his hand. I smi7ed and nodded at his choices: p7easant7y s2rprised that we had the same taste in m2sic. .Coo7H some new m2sic 9or my i@hone.4 Be grinned. ./ait: the C0 is missing 9rom this case.4 .That one is in the p7ayer.4 I pointed to the she79. .Ta8e it o2t.4 Be nest7ed bac8 into the co2ch and shoved eight o9 my C0s into his bag. Bappiness 972ttered inside me 8nowing he had a reason to come bac8. Be spent the ne;t 9ew min2tes 7oo8ing at me: then bac8 at the TF: then bac8 at me again 6 smi7ing the entire time. I wished I 8new what he was thin8ing. Be 7eaned over and grabbed the pi77ow: t2c8ing it ne;t to his 7eg. ./hy don=t yo2 7ie down 9or a whi7e3 1o2 sho27d rest.4 I was tired and 7ying down so2nded 7i8e a good idea. I grabbed the b7an8et: p277ed it 2p over my sho27der: and stretched my 7egs o2t on the co2ch. !ow that the 2rge to throw 2p was gone: it 9e7t good to re7a;. Ryan rested his arm on top o9 mine. /e were watching some program abo2t ghosts: b2t I co27d te77 that Ryan was 7oo8ing most7y at me. Be c2r7ed his hand and so9t7y br2shed my chee8. It seemed that he was a7most 9rightened to to2ch meC his hand seemed so hesitant. I didn=t 8now i9 he was testing himse79

or me. I co27d 9ee7 his con9idence grow as he ran his 9ingers thro2gh my hair. /e were de9inite7y becoming more than 9riends. I was so re7a;ed by his to2ch that it was hard to 8eep my eyes open. Ryan=s voice p277ed me 9rom the haDe. Be ca77ed someone to get a ride to the hote7. I wondered why he >2st didn=t wa78. .I=m gonna get going. I have to wor8 tomorrow and so do yo2.4 Be gathered his things and I wa78ed him down to the bac8 door. .Than8s 9or ta8ing me 9ishing. I had a great time.4 .-e too.4 .I=77 ca77 yo2 tomorrow.4 Be wrapped his arms aro2nd my sho27ders and p277ed me in 9or a nice h2g. Bis hand he7d my 9ace as he <2ic87y 8issed my chee8. Be didn=t 7inger. I was s2rprised that he didn=t try to 8iss me. It appeared that he was con97icted. I co27d re7ateH the 7ine between >2st 9riends and something more was de9inite7y b72rred today. .See yo2.4 I waved as he hopped into the waiting car. That night I had the most bea2ti927 dreams.

.)re yo2 9ee7ing better today34 -arie as8ed when she came in at 9o2r p.m. to start her shi9t behind the bar: her eyes assessed my appearance. .1es: m2ch:4 I rep7ied. .I thin8 I got 9ood poisoning 9rom the 7obster. (ither that or it was the bagged sa7ad.4 .0id Ryan get sic8 too34 she wondered a7o2d. .1eah: we both were rea77y sic8: b2t he seemed to get over it <2ic8er. I stopped 9or piDDa on the way bac8 9rom the cabin b2t a9ter I ate a s7ice it >2st sat in my stomach 7i8e a bric8. I=m sorry 9or 7ast nightH I didn=t want them to cance7 po8er on my acco2nt.4 .0on=t apo7ogiDeE 1o2 were sic8. It happens. esides: Aary and I had an awesome good time anyway: i9 ya 8now what I mean.4 She win8ed at me and he7d 2p three 9ingers. .Three34 I gasped in amaDement. .1o2 or him34 .-e: o9 co2rseE4 She smi7ed and bobbed her head. .That accomp7ishment deserves a high*9iveE4 I reached over to s7ap my hand into

hers. .So did yo2 rac8 2p any n2mbers yo2rse79 this wee8endH a77 a7one in the 9orest with @rince Charming34 .!o.4 I shoo8 my head. .It=s not 7i8e that. /e >2st too8 the boat o2t on the 7a8e.4 ./hen are yo2 going to see him again3 I pres2me yo2 are going to see him again34 she prodded. .I don=t 8now. Be=s wor8ing. I=m wor8ing. I g2ess I=77 see him S2nday.4 I shr2gged and contin2ed to h2st7e behind the bar. ./e didn=t ma8e any p7ans. esides: he won=t be stic8ing aro2nd here anyway. ) co2p7e o9 more wee8s and he=77 be gone.4 Tho2ghts o9 him 7eaving s2rged thro2gh my brain 7i8e wi7d9ire and b2rned a77 the way down my throat and into my heart. This 9riendship with him: these 9ee7ings growing inside o9 me 9or him: in rea7ity a77 had an e;piration date 7ooming. (ven tho2gh I was most7y trying to en>oy the moment: the 8now7edge that the moments wo27dn=t 7ast 9orever was sti77 overshadowing everything e7se. I went abo2t my day: b2t my heart 9e7t 7i8e it was b2rning. I had ta8en care o9 b2siness 6 Tammy and I spo8e and we 9ina7iDed the dinner men2 9or S2nday. I p7aced an advertisement in the 7oca7 newspaper 9or a part*time wee8end bartender and h2ng a GBe7p /anted= sign that I made on my comp2ter in the 9ront window. .-arie: I=m going to hire a part*time bartender:4 I said as I taped the sign on the g7ass. .I thin8 we co27d 2se an e;tra set o9 hands on 5ridays and Sat2rdays. It=s getting to be too m2ch 9or yo2 and me to hand7e a7one: and Tammy doesn=t want to wor8 every wee8end.4 .So2nds good to me. /e=ve been getting s7ammed 7ate7y:4 she agreed. .1eah: >2st whi7e the movie st299 is sti77 going on. ?nce they a77 7eave: we probab7y won=t need the he7p: b2t I thin8 it=s too m2ch 9or >2st the two o9 2s.4 -arie 97ipped the channe7s on the te7evision 2nti7 she got to the 7oca7 news. It was most7y bac8gro2nd noise to me 2nti7 the reporter mentioned the words .Seaside movie.4 .-ver one hundred people had to be removed from the remote bea h lo ation where the se ond installment of the Seaside movie was being filmed today% .edi ated fans are desperate to get any glimpse of the films all+star ast, in luding the movies lead a tor, 8yan ,hristensen%

.7o al poli e were alled to the s ene after several individuals brea hed the losed movie set and harged onto the bea h% Poli e offi ers from at least two lo al muni ipalities were assisted by offi ers from the State Poli e to manage the rowd and at this time two women have reportedly been ta"en into poli e ustody% .The women were stopped by on+set se urity and members of the produ tion team as they attempted to rea h Mr% ,hristensen and Ms% Strass while they were filming% 8eports from eye witnesses who were at the s ene indi ated that at least one of the women allegedly yelled obs enities and death threats at Ms% Strass, although it is un"nown at this time the ontent of those threats%: The camera c2t to 9o2r po7ice o99icers who had two women in c2stody and were escorting them into the po7ice station. In an instant I was concerned 9or Ryan and his sa9ety: b2t I 9o2ght bac8 the 2rge to ca77 him. (ven tho2gh I had his n2mber 9rom a77 the te;t messages he sent: I didn=t want to repeat past mista8es. I wasn=t going to chase a9ter any man. I made a p7edge to myse79 at that moment that I wo27dn=t commit his phone n2mber to my ce77 phone memory. The 9act that I cared and wanted to 8now how he was doing meant that I was a7ready too attached to him. /hen he 9ina77y does 7eave Seaport: it wi77 be even that m2ch harder 9or me to cope. I p277ed my ce77 phone o2t o9 my poc8et severa7 times thro2gho2t the night >2st to ma8e s2re I didn=t miss a ca77: b2t he never ca77ed 7i8e he said he wo27d. I wondered what had happened to 8eep him 9rom ca77ing me. -aybe I=m >2st misreading o2r connections or ma8ing them o2t to be more than what they rea77y are. I tr27y hoped he wasn=t b2sy ma8ing new connections with some other gir7. What am I doing# I chastised myse79. I ant let my guard down% I need to stop this% I tho2ght abo2t the boy9riends that I had in the past and reviewed why none o9 those re7ationships ever 7asted. I rea7iDed that I had made some typica7 gir7 mista8es with some o9 themH being too needy or too c7ingy or >2st trying too damn hard to be what I tho2ght they wanted me to be. I was too yo2ng at the time to tr27y 2nderstand what hea7thy re7ationships were a77 abo2t. Some o9 my re7ationships ended beca2se a9ter the se; we rea7iDed that we had nothing e7se in common. There were no other threads to ho7d 2s in p7ace.

I bro8e 2p with Tim when I rea7iDed that he wasn=t what I wanted 9or my 92t2re. Be was the type o9 g2y who on7y cared abo2t himse79 and his needs. I didn=t need anyone to ta8e care o9 me: b2t I did want someone to 7ove me eno2gh to try. /hen I was with 0ean: his bro8en heart became my mission to 9i;. Be was a 9ew years o7der than me and had a7ready been married once and on his way thro2gh a divorce. Be a7so had a three*year*o7d son ca2ght in the mi;. I rea77y cared 9or his 7itt7e boy. /hen I was aro2nd him I tried to be a good stand*in mother: 2nti7 0ean reminded me one day that I wasnt his son=s mother and that he had no intentions to ever have another chi7d with anyone. That was when he stopped to2ching me. -y engagement with Thomas ended harsh7y: with bitter words and horrib7e acc2sations. I remembered a77 too c7ear7y wa78ing into his apartment to 9ind him in bed with someone e7se. I=m pretty s2re he p7anned it that way. Be 7et me be the one to end the re7ationship so he wo27dn=t have to. -e barging in on him gave him one more reason to thin8 his a99airs were >2sti9ied. (ven tho2gh I tho2ght I was in 7ove with these men at one time or another: I don=t thin8 I tr27y ever was. There was a7ways something missing * that cosmic: so27 mate connectionC the 9ee7ing that the two parts ma8e a who7e. I didn=t want someone who wo27d have to 9orce himse79 to 7ove me or 9or me to pretend that I 7oved him bac8. I had a7ways hoped that 7ove wo27d be m2t2a77y instinct2a7 and nat2ra7 6 as easy as breathing. I t2rned the 7ight o2t on my nightstand when I had eno2gh o9 thin8ing abo2t my past 9ai72res. ?ne thing was 9or s2re" Ryan had res2rrected that one part o9 my heart that sti77 c72ng to the hope o9 7ove=s possibi7ities. I was dreaming abo2t my 9ather and wondered why he wasn=t answering the phone. The te7ephone was on the tab7e right ne;t to his 9avorite chair in the 7iving room where he was sitting. /as he s7eeping in his chair3 .ad, answer the phone! I opened my eyes to rea7iDe that it was my ce77 phone that was ringing. .Be77o34 I answered: my voice so2nded ro2gh 9rom >2st wa8ing. ./ere yo2 sti77 s7eeping34 Ryan as8ed. .1eah. /hat time is it34 I 7oo8ed to my nightstand 9or the c7oc8. It was ,"#2.

.K2arter to nine:4 he m2ttered. .0o yo2 want to go bac8 to s7eep34 .!o: that=s o8ay. Bow are yo234 I hoped he was sa9e. .I=m a77 right. Sorry I didn=t ca77 yo2 yesterday. I 9e77 as7eep in my trai7er and I s7ept a77 the way 2nti7 eight this morning. I tho2ght yo2 might have tried ca77ing me.4 .?h: good. So yo2=re a77 right34 I <2estioned: sitting 2p in bed. .1eah. /hy34 Be so2nded con92sed. .There was something on the news 7ast night abo2t some gir7s getting arrested3 I was so worried abo2t yo2E4 I co27dn=t contro7 the magnit2de o9 my concern. ./hy didn=t yo2 all me then34 he as8ed. I didn=t answer right away. I tho2ght abo2t what I was going to say. .Ryan: I don=t want to bother yo2. 1o2 have eno2gh to dea7 with.4 .B2h. Taryn: yo2 can ca77 me anytime yo2 want. 0on=t ever 9ee7 7i8e yo2=re bothering me. I2st so yo2 8now: I t2rn my phone o99 when I=m 9i7ming: b2t as soon as I see I missed yo2r ca77 I=77 ca77 yo2 bac8.4 I shoo8 my head in si7ence. (very time I initiated the te7ephone ca77s with g2ys in the past: event2a77y they wo27d ma8e me 9ee7 7i8e I was pestering or smothering them. I had heard the words .I >2st need some space4 mentioned be9ore: and it was pretty m2ch a g2arantee that they wo27d end 2p r2nning in the opposite direction a9ter that. Ryan wo27d be 7eaving soon eno2ghC I didn=t want to give him one more reason to r2n 9aster. .Taryn: are yo2 sti77 there34 Be so2nded annoyed. .1es: I=m sti77 here.4 .1o2 didn=t answer my <2estion:4 he stated direct7y. .)re yo2 afraid to ca77 me34 .I can=t:4 I whispered. -y rep7y was so tr2th927 on many 7eve7s. ./hat do yo2 mean you ant34 .I don=t have yo2r n2mber.4 I hoped my 7ie so2nded convincing. .1o2=re a bad 7iar: yo2 8now that3 Aood thing yo2=re not an actress: Gca2se yo2=d be o2t o9 wor8.4 Be ch2c87ed. .-y n2mber has been on every te;t I sent yo2. B2h: this is so strange. @eop7e I don=t want to ta78 to ca77 me a77 the time b2t the one person I rea77y want to hear 9rom is a9raid to ca77 me. The ne;t time I see yo2: I=m going to program yo2r phone. I may even p2t in my own ringtone >2st to irritate yo2.4 .Is that a threat or a promise34 I tried to 7ighten the conversation.

.?h: that=s de9inite7y a promiseE Then yo2 won=t have any e;c2ses:4 he snic8ered. .So 7et=s practice today: sha77 we3 I have to wor8 the entire day. I=m sched27ed to shoot 2nti7 e7even o=c7oc8 b2t I have a dinner brea8 aro2nd seven. I e;pect to hear my phone ring sometime between seven and seven thirty. That gives yo2 a ha79 ho2r window o9 97e;ibi7ity to ca77 at yo2r convenience. !ow: answer this <2estion tr2th9277y. 0o yo2 sti77 have my te;t messages or did yo2 de7ete them a7734 .!o: I sti77 have them.4 I smi7ed. .Then yo2: sweetheart: have no e;c2seH 2n7ess yo2 >2st don=t want to ta78 to me3 Shit: I didn=t consider that: b2t now that I=m thin8ing abo2t it: I g2ess I sho27d as8. 0o you want to see me or not34 I want to see you more than you ould ever imagine% I too8 a deep breath. ;eep it light, Taryn% ./e=re 9riends: right3 /hy wo27dn=t I want to see yo234 .@hew:4 he breathed. .That=s a re7ie9. Aood: so 2m: what did the news report have to say abo2t what happened on set34 .The reporter said that the po7ice had to remove a h2ndred or so 9ans 9rom the set and two women were arrested. )pparent7y one o9 them threatened S2Danne3 /ere yo2 there when it happened34 .1eah: I was. /e were shooting a scene on the beach b2t I was watching the p7aybac8 ree7 when it happened. I heard someone ye77ing: b2t I had headphones on so I didn=t hear what was said.4 .The news didn=t mention what was said either. I2st that the one gir7 ye77ed some obscenities and threats at S2Danne. They showed 9ootage o9 the two gir7s that were arrested.4 .1o2=re 8idding me34 Ryan groaned. .I hope yo2 have e;tra sec2rity on hand: beca2se some o9 these 9ans are terri9ying:4 I 2rged. ./anting pict2res and a2tographs is one thing: b2t death threats are comp7ete7y another.4 .1eah: I was to7d 7ast night that there wo27d be additiona7 private sec2rity bro2ght in whi7e we=re here.4 I co27d hear the anger enter into his tone. There was a 7o2d rap on his door. .Bang on:4 I heard him sho2t o2t. .Tar 6 I got to go. )re yo2 going to ca77 me tonight34

.1es. 02ring yo2r dinner brea8. I promise.4 I was too awa8e to try to go bac8 to s7eep. The so2nd o9 his voice had a7ready stim27ated my b7ood. I wandered o2t to the 7iving room: sat down at my des8: and t2rned my 7aptop on. I had to reconci7e the cash register receipts and enter it into my 7og. -y e*mai7 was 9i77ed again with thirty new messages: most7y 9rom Unc7e )7: who recent7y got his 9irst comp2ter a9ter 9i9ty*9ive years. etween him and a 9ew other re7atives: they were trying to corner the mar8et on bad e*mai7 >o8es. There was one new message 9rom -arie: with a tempting s2b>ect 7ine" .Ryan in Seaside.4 .1o2 sho27d watch this. This is one o9 the best scenes 9rom his movie. )nd since yo2 haven=t seen it yet: yo2 sho27d at 7east 8now how good o9 an actor he is. This is why a77 the gir7s want him.4 Inside was a 7in8 to a website to watch a video.s -y inde; 9inger hovered over my mo2se. .o I want to see this or not# -y 9inger had a mind o9 its own and it c7ic8ed the b2tton. The video 7oaded. Ryan was 72r8ing aro2nd some dar8 ha77ways in what appeared to be a disma7 cast7e. Be had a 7arge: si7ver g2n in his hand with one o9 those si7encer attachmentsC his g2n was raised and ready to 9ire. S2Danne was wearing some tattered c7othes and she was pressed to his side as they s7id down the dar8 wa77. It was apparent that he was protecting her. .I thin8 they=re a77 gone:4 Ryan said. .Awen: what were yo2 thin8ing coming here34 S2Danne gaDed 2p sed2ctive7y into his eyes. .Bow can I protect yo23 Te77 meE4 Ryan begged 2rgent7y. .I2st 7ove me Char7es:4 S2Danne whispered. Be pressed her against the wa77 and 8issed her passionate7y. The vision o9 him 8issing another woman made me wince. She p2shed him bac8: shoving him into the opposing wa77 whi7e sti77 8issing him. Ryan=s 8iss was h2ngry. .I9 yo2 7ove me 7i8e yo2 say yo2 do: yo2=77 stay a7ive 9or me:4 he breathed o2t. It was hard to watch him 7i8e this. It wasn=t himH it wasn=t the same man who made toast 9or me or 9e7t my 9orehead. I str2gg7ed with the tho2ght o9 seeing Ryan this way.

I had seen p7enty o9 movies over the years and the s8i77 o9 the actors portraying the di99erent characters was so amaDing that yo2 didn=t rea7iDe that yo2 were watching .acting.4 2t every person who has ever been in a movie is sti77: at the end o9 the day: someone=s son or da2ghter: a h2sband or a wi9e: a 7over: a sister: a mother or 9ather. There was no denying that Ryan was e;treme7y good 7oo8ing and the character he portrayed on the screen was de9inite7y se;y and appea7ing. 2t the character was ma8e* be7ieve. Char7es didn=t e;ist. Be was created on paper and scripted to be a7ive. Ryan gave him 7i9e: b2t Ryan was not Char7es. Ryan was a g2y 9rom @ittsb2rgh who chewed on his 9ingernai7s and cared eno2gh to prevent me 9rom ta8ing an aspirin. That was the man I was 9a77ing 9or. I made good on my promise to ca77 him. .Aood evening: -r. Christensen:4 I whispered sed2ctive7y in the phone. .This is Stacy 9rom Bo2se8eeping with yo2r seven p.m. wa8e 2p ca77.4 I 9ig2red I wo27d mess with him. ./e77: he77o Stacy:4 he snic8ered 7ight7y. .Than8 yo2 9or being prompt.4 .?9 co2rse: sir. The management wo27d 7i8e to 8now i9 yo2 are en>oying yo2r dinner this evening.4 .Bmm: we77 I can thin8 o9 a 9ew things that wo27d improve the ambiance. @erhaps yo2 co27d p2t yo2r manager on the 7ine so I can comp7ain.4 .S2re: one moment p7easeH4 I tried to change my s27try voice. .Be77o: this is -egan: the night manager. I 2nderstand that yo2=re very 2nhappy34 .Be77o: -egan. y the way: I rea77y 7i8e this game. 1es: I am very 2nhappy. I=d 7i8e to 8now what yo2 intend to do abo2t it34 ./e co27d give yo2 a cash re92nd or i9 yo2=d pre9er we co27d e;tend some comp7ementary po8er chips to yo234 .(r: not acceptab7e. /hat e7se are yo2 o99ering34 ./e are hosting an a77*yo2*can*eat stea8 dinner this S2nday. /o27d yo2 7i8e a comp7ementary tic8et34 .I a7ready have one. /hat e7se do yo2 have34 he in<2ired. .0id I mention that the dinner comes a7ong with 9ront row seats to S2nday=s game between the Stee7ers and the Aiants34

.1es: and I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to thatE4 he stated with m2ch enth2siasm. . 2t I=m 2nhappy nowE4 The whining in his voice was am2sing. ./e77: sir: since yo2r happiness is o2r n2mber one priority: why don=t yo2 te77 me what wo27d ma8e yo2 happy.4 I was momentari7y re7ieved to 7ob the ba77 onto his side o9 the co2rt. .I can on7y thin8 o9 one thing that wo27d ma8e me happy right now: and I don=t be7ieve that some gir7 named -egan co27d satis9y that. 1o2 wo27dn=t happen to have any Taryns there on sta99: do yo234 he as8ed. I smi7ed. .-aybeE4 .1o2 rea77y 8now how to ma8e my day. 0o yo2 8now that34 he as8ed. .I was not in the best o9 moods right be9ore yo2 ca77ed. !ow I=m having a hard time remembering why I was in a bad mood at a77.4 .I=m g7ad. 1o2 want to ta78 abo2t it34 I as8ed. .)h: I=m >2st a 7itt7e stressed. It=s been a 7ong day. I=d 7i8e to 7eave here and re7a; on yo2r co2ch b2t I can=t. (specia77y since the weather is pretty decent o2tside: we can get some additiona7 night shots done. )nd I rea77y >2st want to wash this crap o99 my 9ace tooE4 he comp7ained. ./hat crap34 .I have some st299 on to ma8e it 7oo8 7i8e I have a c2t 7ip. It itches. I rea77y want to scratch it o99.4 .I=d 7i8e to see that. /ere yo2 s2pposed to be in a 9ight or something34 I as8ed. I was trying to imagine what he 7oo8ed 7i8e. .0o yo2 want me to send yo2 a pict2re3 I can ta8e one i9 yo2=re that c2rio2s.4 .Bec8 yeahE Is it >2st s2pposed to 7oo8 7i8e a c2t or do yo2 7oo8 7i8e that idiot who didn=t r2n away 9rom the 7it dynamite34 .!oE4 Be 7a2ghed. .I was in a 9ist 9ight. 1o2 sho27d see the other g2y.4 .0id yo2 p2mme7 him34 I was trying to pict2re Ryan 9ighting with someone. .Let=s >2st say two o9 them won=t be bothering me anymore.4 .That so2nds 7i8e a movie 7ine.4 I ch2c87ed. .It is:4 he said am2sing7y. .Can yo2 name the movie it=s 9rom34 I tho2ght abo2t his statement 9or a moment. Be even repeated the 7ine 9or me a

second time and gave me another hint. .Tr2e LiesE4 I answered enth2siastica77y: catching the in97ection in his voice. . i77 @a;ton says that to Iami Lee C2rtis when he ta8es credit 9or 8i77ing those g2ys in the ma77 bathroom.4 .I can=t be7ieve yo2 got that oneE4 Be so2nded pro2d. .So why is it that yo2 8now other movies by heart b2t yo2 haven=t seen any o9 my movies yet34 I was s2rprised he even as8ed me that <2estion. .Bow wi77 yo2 ever 8now i9 I 7i8e Char7es or >2st some g2y named Ryan3 Isn=t it better this way34 .Bah. 1o2=re right. 5rom now on yo2 are hereby banned 9rom seeing any o9 my movies.4 I 8new he was 8idding: b2t at the same time visions o9 me not being invited to any premiers 97ashed thro2gh my mind. I didn=t want the 9ame or the red carpetC I >2st wanted to be by his side: ho7ding his hand: 7oving him: and being pro2d o9 his accomp7ishments 6 whatever they might be. ?nce again I was setting my hopes 2p 9or nothing: 7onging 9or a re7ationship that co27d never be. Bis inevitab7e depart2re date was sti77 7ooming. .Listen: Ryan: I have to go. -arie is a77 by herse79 behind the bar and we=re 8ind o9 b2sy. It was nice ta78ing to yo2.4 I had the s2dden 2rge to 97ee. .?8ay. Um: I g2ess I=77 ta78 to yo2 7ater then.4 I don=t thin8 I even said goodbye. I shoved my phone into the 9ront poc8et o9 my >eans and h2rried bac8 behind the bar. The sooner I co27d get distracted the better. I 8ept s7ipping 2p over and over again: 7etting my g2ard down with him and a77owing myse79 to swim in dangero2s waters. ) 9ew min2tes passed and my ce77 phone b2DDed again. I opened the pict2re Ryan sentC he had a 92nny e;pression on his 9ace whi7e pointing to his 9a8e c2t 7ip. I co27dn=t he7p b2t 7a2gh. I tried to convince myse79 that I wo27dn=t get h2rt i9 I 8ept this thing with him strict7y p7atonic: b2t to do so I=d have to ma8e s2re that I didn=t 7et him to2ch me anymore. !o more ho7ding hands: or r2nning my 9ingers thro2gh his so9t hair: staring into his eyes. B2ggingH that was dangero2s too. )nything that invo7ved physica7 contact m2st be o99*7imits. I even tried to 9orce myse79 to have a dream where we were on7y 9riends: p7aying a game o9 so9tba77

with 2s on the -itche77=s @2b team: b2t even my s2bconscio2s betrayed me. The 9o77owing day I tried to banish the 7ingering memories o9 the hot and steamy dream I did have abo2t him: where I tore the baseba77 2ni9orm o99 his bodyH .Bey babyE4 -arie greeted me as she started her shi9t Th2rsday night. I d2mped a new b2c8et o9 ice in the bin: thin8ing I sho27d d2mp an entire b2c8et down my shirt too. .Bey. I have some app7icants coming in today. I=d 7i8e yo2 to interview them too: since we both have to get a7ong with whomever I hire.4 .S2re. !o prob7em:4 she said as she t2c8ed her bar rag in her bac8 poc8et. .0id yo2 hear 9rom -r. /onder92734 I smi7ed. .Be ca77ed me three times today.4 .Three34 She 7oo8ed s2rprised. .Be wasn=t in a 7ot o9 scenes: so he was bored:4 I m2ttered private7y. . ored3 1eah rightE Be=s definitely craDy abo2t yo2:4 -arie insisted. -arie and I were hand7ing a decent siDed crowd when o2r second app7icant came into the bar. Be was twenty*something: dressed 7i8e a norma7 h2man being: and he was ear7y. -arie spent abo2t twenty min2tes with him be9ore she ret2rned to the bar. .I 7i8e this one:4 she m2rm2red to me in passing. The yo2ng man=s name was Cory. Be was twenty*three: ta77 and bee9y with a short hairc2t and a dar8 brown goatee. Be was ta8ing b2siness and comp2ter co2rses at the 7oca7 comm2nity co77ege and needed rent money. Ba79way thro2gh the interview Ryan ca77ed me again. I 7oo8ed at the timeC he was on his dinner brea8. .Bi: 2m: can I ca77 yo2 bac834 I answered <2ic87y. .I=m interviewing someone right now. I=77 ca77 yo2 in a 9ew min2tes: o8ay34 .!o: that=s o8ay. I have to get bac8 on set in ten min2tes and then I=m going o2t to eat with some o9 the cast. I >2st tho2ght o9 something I wanted to te77 yo2. I=77 ca77 yo2 when I get to the hote7 7ater:4 Ryan ramb7ed and then h2ng 2p. .Sorry abo2t that:4 I apo7ogiDed to Cory. Jnowing Ryan: he >2st wanted to ta78. I escorted Cory o2t to the bar: and instead o9 7eaving: he sat down on a barstoo7. I 7i8ed the 9act that he wanted to chec8 o2t the atmosphere o9 the bar. It showed he was interested in wor8ing here.

.I 7i8e him too:4 I said to -arie. .I9 his re9erences chec8 o2t: maybe we can give him a tria7 r2n this wee8end34 .1eah: s2re.4 She nodded. .Be 8nows his drin8s and he seems 7i8e a nice g2y. Something 9or a77 the 9ema7es to 7oo8 at34 she added. . esides: two bitches behind the bar are eno2gh.4

Chapter 2 - -estures

I spent an ho2r 5riday a9ternoon ca77ing Cory=s re9erences: even tho2gh I was pretty decided that I was going to hire him. Cory was wi77ing to start tonight and that so2nded per9ect to me. I was wondering i9 Ryan was going to >2st show 2p againC s2re7y we wo27d get s7ammed with c2stomers i9 he did that. I was tempted to ca77 Ryan since he didn=t ca77 me bac8 7ast night 7i8e he said he wo27d. I wondered i9 he was waiting 9or me to ca77 him * i9 it was a test. It didn=t matterC I sti77 wasn=t going to sway 9rom my r27e not to chase him. I had a7ready given 2p hope hearing 9rom Ryan when I 9e7t my phone vibrate in my poc8et. I 7oo8ed at the timeC it was ten thirty. .-arie: I=77 be right bac8:4 I said as I ran 9or my stairwe77. .Bi:4 I answered: very m2ch 8nowing whose voice was going to respond. .Bi 6 how are yo234 Ryan as8ed. .I=m greatE Bow are yo234 I was de9inite7y happy to hear 9rom him. .I=m good. I >2st 7e9t dinner. I rea77y want to see yo2 tonight.4 .I rea77y want to see yo2 too.4 .amn, another slip% .AoodE4 he said happi7y. .)re yo2 going to wa78 thro2gh my 9ront door in two min2tes34 I ch2c87ed: attempting to cover 2p my mista8e. .-i8e: stop right here. I=77 see yo2 tomorrow.4 It so2nded 7i8e he had the phone away 9rom his 9ace: and then I heard a car door s7am. I co27d hear his breathing rate pic8 2p. ./hy does it so2nd 7i8e yo2=re r2nning34 I as8ed. . eca2se I=m ha79way down yo2r a77ey:4 he breathed bac8. I ran to the bac8 door. ) 9ew moments 7ater a dar8 c7oa8ed 9ig2re s7ipped thro2gh my bac8 door. The hood o9 his >ac8et was p277ed way 2p to hide his 9ace and he had his 7arge messenger bag s72ng

over his sho27der. Bis eyes met mine and a h2ge smi7e appeared on his 9ace. .Bey yo2:4 Ryan greeted me: s7ipping his hand thro2gh his hair to 8noc8 his hood bac8. The 7ights in the 8itchen made the reddish tinge in his dirty b7ond hair even more noticeab7e. .Bey bac8:4 I said: matching his beaming smi7e with my own as he wrapped his arms aro2nd my sho27ders to give me a <2ic8 h2g. . rrr: it=s co7d o2t there.4 Ryan shivered s7ight7y and stepped bac8 to re7ease me. .Um... so: how are yo234 Bis eyebrows narrowed. .I=m goodE4 I was smi7ing so hard my 9ace started to h2rt. Be gave me a 7itt7e win8. So m2ch 9or not 7etting him h2g me. .1o2 7oo8H greatE4 he comp7imented. Be ran his eyes down my bodyC his 9ingers to2ched the edge o9 my shirt. Bis eyes seemed to 7inger 2nti7 the m2sic p7aying in the p2b distracted him. .So2nds 7i8e yo2 have another great band tonight.4 Bis head bobbed s7ight7y with the m2sic. .Than8sE I have G5ar 9rom B2man= p7aying.4 I gest2red. .They=re one o9 the better cover bands in town.4 .They=re rea77y roc8ingE4 he said. . 2t I can=t dea7 with a crowd tonight. I=d rather not have anyone 8now I=m here.4 I co27d see the concern in his eyes and I 2nderstood what he meant. I 8new he didn=t have a private 7i9e. .0o yo2 mind i9 I hang o2t 2pstairs and wait 2nti7 yo2=re done34 Be smi7ed my 9avorite innocent: smir8y*smi7e: which shattered most o9 my protective she77. The word .no4 no 7onger seemed to e;ist in my vocab27ary. I motioned with my head 9or him to 9o77ow me. I s<2eeDed thro2gh the 8itchen door and opened 2p the stairwe77 door: ho7ding my hand o2t to him. ?2r eyes met as he gent7y p7aced his hand in mine: then I s7ipped him 9rom one door to another comp7ete7y 2nnoticed. Be too8 his bag o99 his sho27der and removed his >ac8et: ma8ing a sma77 pi7e o9 his st299 on my 7iving room 97oor. Instinctive7y I wa78ed over to my windows and p277ed down the shades. I co27d on7y imagine the photographers sca7ing the wa77s to ta8e pict2res.

.Bow was yo2r day34 I as8ed: trying to get bac8 to 9riends mode. . 2sy. /e 9i7med a77 day. I >2st got o99 the set and then a 9ew o9 2s went o2t 9or a <2ic8 bite to eat.4 .!o rest 9or the weary: h2h34 I teased. .!o: not 2s2a77y:4 he agreed. . 2t I was act2a77y ab7e to have a mea7 witho2t 9ans screaming tonight tho2ghE4 .0id yo2 2se the !in>a c7oa8ing device34 I 8idded. .I to7d Ca7 what yo2 said when we went to dinner tonight. Be co27dn=t stop 7a2ghing.4 Ryan ch2c87ed. I 7a2ghed with him: remembering one o9 o2r si77ier conversations 9rom yesterday. ./ere yo2 on yo2r way bac8 to the hote734 .1eah: b2t I decided to ta8e a deto2rE4 Ryan snorted. ./o27d have been nice to 9reshen 2p tho2gh:4 he said as he r2bbed his 9ace. ./hat3 !o c2ts on yo2r 7ip34 I was 7oo8ing to see i9 he was sti77 wearing any specia7 e99ects ma8e2p. .!o.4 Be grimaced at my comment. . 2t it=s been a 7ong day. Bey: do yo2 mind i9 I ta8e a shower34 -y mind went straight to Be77 with the visions that instant7y appeared in my tho2ghts. .!o: I don=t mind.4 I tried to so2nd 2na99ected by his re<2est. .1o2 8now yo2r way aro2nd: ma8e yo2rse79 at home.4 9riends sometimes ta"e showers at their friends houses: I >2sti9ied. Thin8ing abo2t him being na8ed and wet in my apartment was too dangero2s: especia77y with a crowded bar to attend to. I h2rried down the ha77 to the bathroom and set o2t a 9resh towe7 on the co2nter 9or him. -y mind wandered as I tried not to envision him a77 soapy and wet in my shower. I co27d a77 too c7ear7y pict2re him standing in the stream o9 hot water as the soap 7ather gathered in the crevices o9 his m2sc27ar 9rame: washing him c7ean. .o friends sometimes wash their friends# $a"ed, wet, hot se0 in the shower%%% ould I handle a <friends with benefits: relationship with him# Stop! &ar% &usiness to run% 9o us Taryn% .I have to r2n downstairs and ma8e s2re -arie is o8ay covering the bar. I have a new

bartender wor8ing tonight. I=77 be right bac8. Can I get yo2 anything to drin8 whi7e I=m down there34 ac8 to b2siness mode. .1eah: no prob7em. 0o what yo2 have to do.4 Be nodded at me. .)hH i9 yo2 can bring me bac8 a beer: that wo27d be great:4 he said as he whee7ed aro2nd in a bit o9 a circ7e. .0o yo2 have a pre9erence34 I 9ig2red I=d as8. Ryan smi7ed. .S2rprise meE4 )9ter I sett7ed things with -arie to cover the bar: I ret2rned to him with a si; pac8 in one hand and a bott7e o9 te<2i7a in the other. Be pee8ed 2p over some papers in his handC a very s27try grin crac8ed on his 7ips as he shoo8 his head at me in disbe7ie9 again. .So what are yo2 reading34 I handed a co7d bott7e o9 beer to him. .I got a new script that my agent wants me to 7oo8 over.4 Be brie97y he7d the papers 2p in the air. .It=s ca77ed Slip"not.4 I had never seen a movie script be9ore and I was s2rprised to see it was a pretty thic8 pac8et. ./hat=s it abo2t34 I as8ed: gen2ine7y interested in 8nowing what types o9 movies he was being co2rted 9or. .I=ve been to7d it=s abo2t a g2y whose parents and sister are m2rdered and he has to 2ncover why it happened and who did it.4 Be too8 a sip o9 his beer. .Bmm: so it=s a m2rder mystery3 Is that something yo2=d be interested in doing34 .I=m not s2re. I have to read this who7e thing and 7et my agent 8now i9 I=m interested by T2esday: a7tho2gh it seems 7i8e theyve a7ready cast me 9or the part.4 .This T2esday34 I as8ed: s7ight7y shoc8ed. .In 9o2r days yo2 have to give them an answer3 It 7oo8s 7i8e a 7ot to read in s2ch a short time.4 I didn=t rea7iDe that some o9 these movie dea7s happened so <2ic87y. .Ta78 abo2t p2tting press2re on yo2. !o wonder yo2=re stressed.4 Bis eyes 97ashed over to 7oo8 at me. ./e77: it=s a st2dio 9i7m and they want to 9ast trac8 it.4 I nodded even tho2gh I wasn=t s2re what the hec8 he was ta78ing abo2t. Ryan was staring at me. .1o2 have no idea what I=m ta78ing abo2t: do yo234 he 7a2ghed 7ight7y.

I smir8ed: s2rprised he was ab7e to read me 7i8e that. .?8ay: here=s yo2r 7esson 9or today. @ay attention beca2se there wi77 be a <2iD.4 Be he7d the script 2p. .1o2=ve heard o9 @aramo2nt: I ass2me34 I ro77ed my eyes. .?8ayH they are the Gst2dio.= 4 Be gest2red. ./itho2t over*comp7icating it: they=ve got the money. This 9i7m has a7ready received a Ggreen 7ight.= /hat do yo2 do at a green 7ight34 .1o2 go:4 I answered. .ScriptH 9i7m has been pitchedH money is there to bac8 itH green 7ight 6 go. /ith me so 9ar34 I hoped my 7oo8 got the message across that I=m not an idiot. .!ow this pro>ect is in pre*prod2ction. That=s when the cast gets hired: b2dget is determined: and 9or this 9i7m I 2nderstand that Ionathan 5o77wei7er is going to be directing. /hat it means 9or me are two things.4 Ryan co2nted on his 9ingers. .?ne: do I want to do it and two: can I meet the prod2ction sched27e dates. I9 I can=t commit to being there: I can=t do the 9i7m.4 .So yo2 sti77 have the option to t2rn it down: right34 I as8ed. .1es. I haven=t signed anything yet.4 Be waved his hands. .)nd they need to ma8e me an o99er.4 .0on=t yo2 have to a2dition 9irst34 I tried to so2nd 7i8e I 8new something. .!ot rea77yH not anymore. )77 those screaming 9ans are 7i8e one h2ge res2me. I may have to screen test with potentia7 actresses to see i9 the chemistry is there: b2t that=s abo2t it.4 .Aot itE4 I grinned. .AoodE Tomorrow we=77 7earn a77 abo2t cinematography.4 .0arnE I was hoping that tomorrow wo27d be a77 abo2t specia7 e99ects.4 I po2ted. .?8ay. Then as soon as I=m done reading this I=77 paint a77 yo2r wa77s a 7ove7y bright green and we can p7ay with the CAI on yo2r comp2ter. Bow does that so2nd34 .1o2 better get reading thenE4 I stood 2p to e;c2se myse79. Be start7ed me when he stood 2p too. .I have to get bac8 to the p2b and 9inish 2p the nightC we=re getting s7ammed down there. I even have Tammy he7ping o2t tonight. So are yo2 going to be o8ay 2p here by

yo2rse7934 Be wa78ed over to me and r2bbed my arms 2p and down so9t7y with his hands. .0on=t worry abo2t me.4 .I 9ee7 rea77y bad 7eaving yo2 here 7i8e this:4 I 2ttered sad7y: me7ting 7i8e b2tter 2nder his to2ch. .Tar: I 8now yo2 have a b2siness to r2n. I=m >2st g7ad thatH we77H I=m here. I=77 be 9ineE4 he stressed. .I have e;ce77ent m2sic to 7isten to and a 9at script to read. That wi77 de9inite7y 8eep me o2t o9 tro2b7e 9or a whi7e.4 Be win8ed at me. I 7oo8ed down at his 9eet. In a77 honesty I rea77y wanted to stay with him. .I sti77 9ee7 terrib7e tho2gh.4 Ryan=s hand s7id down my arm and he br2shed his 9ingers on mineC his other hand 7i9ted my chin 2nti7 o2r eyes met. .0on=t. I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to some peace and rest: act2a77y. I=77 see yo2 when yo2 get bac8.4 I 9e7t the >o7t o9 e7ectricity s2rge thro2gh my body when he to2ched meC I had to 9ight the new desires rapid7y b2i7ding in my heart. .)77 right. I=77 see yo2 in three ho2rs:4 I sighed. . e9ore yo2 go: I=d 7i8e yo2r ce77 phone p7ease:4 he re<2ested: ho7ding o2t his hand. .I=m not going to chec8 2p on yo2. I >2st want to program it a 7itt7e.4 .I don=t care. I have nothing to hide:4 I said. I p277ed my ce77 o2t o9 my poc8et and handed it to him. .I2st don=t give me an obno;io2s ringtone.4 .0on=t worry. I=77 ta8e care i9 it. !ow o99 yo2 goE ac8 to wor8E4 Be too8 a ho7d o9 my sho27ders and sp2n me towards the door. I was g7ad we were b2sy tonightC it made the three ho2rs go by 9air7y <2ic87y: a7tho2gh I wished the band wo27d have h2rried more when they pac8ed their instr2ments 2p. I was so e;cited to 9ina77y 7oc8 the doors and get bac8 2pstairs to my very incredib7e g2est that I ran 2p the steps to my apartment. Ryan was 7ying on the co2ch: peace9277y as7eep. Bis 7ong 7egs were stretched o2t and his bare 9eet h2ng o99 the edge. I was s2rprised to see he was wearing wire rimmed g7asses. Be 7oo8ed very st2dio2s and handsome. I s7ow7y removed the thic8 script that rested on his chest 9rom 2nderneath his 9o7ded

hands and set it on the co99ee tab7e. Be was so so2nd as7eep that the motion didn=t even ma8e him stir. I grabbed the <2i7t that my grandmother made o99 the bac8 o9 the 7oveseat and covered him 2p. I noticed his tawny hair was sti77 damp and 2n8empt 9rom s7eeping. I sat down on the wooden co99ee tab7e and too8 the sight o9 him into my memory. Bis 7ips were s7ight7y parted as he breathed in his s72mber and I hoped he was having peace927 dreams. (oodnight Sweet Prin e: I tho2ght to myse79: ta8ing one 7ast 7oo8 at him be9ore I t2rned o2t the 7ights and headed 9or bed. It was sti77 dar8 in my bedroom when I wo8e: s2dden7y start7ed. I 9e7t my bed >ost7e as Ryan care9277y s7id his body 2nderneath my b7an8ets. /itho2t saying a word: he sn2gg7ed 2p behind me and made himse79 com9ortab7e on the spare pi77ow. I 7eaned bac8 s7ight7y to ac8now7edge him: resting my body on his chest. Be c2r7ed 2p tighter behind meC I co27d 9ee7 that he was sti77 9277y dressed. Ryan=s hand s8immed down my arm. Fery s7ow7y: he s7id his open hand on top o9 mine: 7acing o2r 9ingers together. Be 7et o2t a so9t sigh when I c7osed my 9ingers aro2nd his. 5or how hard I tried to protect myse79 9rom getting h2rt: it 9e7t so right to 7ie here with him. ?2r bodies nested together per9ect7y * 7i8e we were made 9or each other. It was apparent that he was >2st as a99ected by me as I was by him. The s2n started to rise and so9t 7ight 9i77ed my bedroom. I 9e7t his arm p277 me c7oser to his chestC his warm breath caressed my sho27der as he sn2gg7ed with me. Bis breathing ret2rned to the so2nd o9 s7eep: so I 7et myse79 dri9t bac8 to my incredib7e dream. I wo8e again when I 9e7t him stir. Bis 9ingers 97e;ed: gripping my hip. Bis 9ingertips circ7ed to 9ee7 what I was wearing. Bis 7egs stretched and he 7ight7y pressed himse79 into me when his brain received the message that I was on7y wearing panties and a T*shirt. 0iDDying aro2sa7 shot thro2gh my body 9rom his to2ch. -y mind <2ic87y wandered with other visions o9 how his stee7y hands co27d grip my hips. !ew cravings 9or him were growing rapid7y in my tho2ghts. .Aood morning:4 he whispered in my ear: s7iding his hand across my stomach. .-mm: hiE4 was a77 I co27d say as o2r eyes met. Be grinned at me and gent7y swept my hair o99 my 9orehead with his 9ingertips. .Sorry I 9e77 as7eep on yo2 7ast night. /hy didn=t yo2 wa8e me when yo2 got bac834

Be yawned. .1o2 were s7eeping so peace9277y: I didn=t want to wa8e yo2.4 Be smi7ed that se;y grin at me 6 the one that ma8es my p27se race 6 whi7e his 9ingers dri9ted over my s8in and caressed my 9ace. The desire to 7ean into him and press my 7ips to his was so strong: and I didn=t have the interna7 strength to 9ight it anymore. Be appeared to be 9ighting the same 2rges: b2t that was a thresho7d o9 intimacy that he didn=t cross. I ro77ed over to 9ace him and nest7ed my chee8 on his sho27derC my hands pa7med his chest. I >2st wanted to to2ch him somehow: some way. Be wrapped his arm over my sho27der so his hand co27d ho7d my head to his chest. -y 7i9e wo27d be per9ect i9 I co27d wa8e 2p every day to this 9ee7ing. )9ter I was showered and dressed: I >oined him in the 8itchen. Be was 7eaning against the co2nter with a co99ee c2p in his hand * another menta7 pict2re I committed to memory. Bis 9ace 7it 2p when I wa78ed into the roomC his reaction ca2ght me o99*g2ard. Why is he so happy to see me# Me# Ryan 7oo8ed so cas2a7: standing there in a very 9ami7iar dar8 b72e T*shirt: his >eans with the worn poc8ets hanging a bit on his hips. Be hadn=t p2t on any soc8s or shoes yetC his bare 9eet were ho7ding him con9ident7y in p7ace. I never rea7iDed that seeing a man drin8ing a c2p o9 co99ee in my 8itchen co27d be s2ch a t2rn*on. .Bey there:4 he greeted me. Bis 9ace 97ashed a big grinC his eyes 7oo8ed me over. .I hope yo2 don=t mind b2t I made some co99ee. Can I po2r yo2 a c2p34 .1es: that wo27d be very nice.4 I opened 2p the re9rigerator to get the mi78. .Bere: 7et me get that:4 he said as he too8 the container 9rom my hand. I reached bac8 into the re9rigerator 9or the carton o9 eggs. I was h2ngryC I 9ig2red he m2st be h2ngry too. .Can I ma8e yo2 some brea89ast34 I as8ed. Be smi7ed and nodded. . rea89ast so2nds great.4 The way we 97owed together in the room was biDarre. I=ve never 9e7t so at peace with a man be9ore in my 7i9e. Tho2gh we had on7y 8nown each other 9or a short time it 9e7t 7i8e we had 8nown each other a77 o2r 7ives. There was no stress or aw8wardness between 2s. I thin8 he 9e7t it too.

./hat=s on yo2r sched27e today34 I as8ed whi7e b2ttering a piece o9 toast 9or him. Bis 7i9e seemed to be segmented by one appointment a9ter another and I high7y do2bted that he had m2ch 9ree time 7e9t today. .I have to be bac8 on set at ten.4 Bis eyes 97ic8ered 2p to meet mine. I gave him a brie9 smi7e. I didn=t want him to thin8 that his sched27e wo27d 2pset me. /e disc2ssed how to trans9er him 9rom my apartment to the set: as it wasn=t simp7e or easy to get him 9rom one p7ace to another secret7y. The p7an was that I wo27d drive him ha79way to somep7ace obsc2re where he co27d trans9er to a waiting car that wo27d drive him to the set. Bis sa9ety and my anonymity were the top priorities. Since o2r time was 7imited: we h2ng o2t in my 7iving room. I saw his 9ace brighten when he pic8ed 2p my aco2stic g2itar that was propped 2p on a stand in the corner. Be p7aced the g2itar on his 8nee and gave it a <2ic8 str2m. Be s2rprised me by p7aying pretty we77. .I saw this on -onday when I was here b2t I didn=t get a chance to as8 yo2. 0o yo2 p7ay or is this >2st a decoration34 he wondered: 7oo8ing at me over his sho27der. .!o: I p7ay:4 I answered con9ident7y: a7tho2gh I was 9ar 9rom a master at it. .I 8now a 9ew songs. Sometimes I try to write my own m2sic when the mood hits: b2t I=m not that good o9 a songwriter:4 I admitted. Be handed the g2itar to me and gave me an enco2raging nod. .@7ay something 9or me.4 -y heart rate pic8ed 2p instant7y as my nerves got the better o9 me. I 9e7t the pang o9 horror hit as I imagined ma8ing a tota7 9oo7 o2t o9 myse79. .?8ay: no 7a2ghingE @romiseE4 .I=d never 7a2gh at yo2.4 Be crossed his heart with his 9ingers. .I promise.4 .)77 right: 7et=s see i9 yo2 can name this t2ne.4 I p7ayed the 9irst 9ew notes. .(asyE @in8 57oyd:4 he said with a smi7e. ./ish 1o2 /ere Bere.4 I 7a2ghed when he made 2p his own 7yrics. .!o: that=s not what he saysE4 I gave him a teasing tap in the 9oot. I started the song over. Soon we were both singing together. ./e=re >2st two 7ost so27s swimming in a 9ish bow7H4 /hen I 9inished: he s7ipped the g2itar o2t o9 my hand and waved his 9ingers 9or my g2itar pic8. Be gave me a <2ic8 win8 and a grin and p7ayed a 9ew chords.

.This is something I wrote:4 he said noncha7ant7y: ad>2sting the g2itar on his 7eg. Be started to p7ay a bea2ti927 me7ody. Bis song was intenseC the 7yrics resonated in my heart. /hi7e he sang his song to me I 9e7t myse79 9a77ing deeper and deeper 9or him. I stared at him in awe as he 7et himse79 s7ip into his m2sic. -y mind wandered into 9orbidden territory as I entertained i77icit tho2ghts o9 tearing the g2itar 9rom his hands and c7imbing onto him to 8iss him passionate7y. Bow his strong hands co27d ho7d my hips in p7ace on his 7ap. Bow his tong2e might 9ee7 on mine. I 9e7t myse79 becoming e;treme7y aro2sed >2st by thin8ing abo2t it. ./hat did yo2 thin834 he as8ed when he 9inished his song. The tr2th was that I was ting7ing in p7aces where I hadn=t ting7ed in a 7ong time. .It wasH mesmeriDing. I 7oved itE4 ) wide grin bro8e on his 9ace. /hi7e he ret2rned my g2itar to its stand: I too8 o99 9or the so7ace o9 my bathroom. I 7oc8ed the door behind me and 7eaned hard on the co2nter. I had to get a grip on my emotions. Be was too 2nrea7. It wo27d be so easy to 9a77 mad7y: insane7y: deep7y in 7ove with this man: and every second I spent with him was dragging me towards that point o9 no ret2rn. -y heart was racing: the b7ood throbbed in my veins: and I 9e7t s7ight7y diDDy. &reathe Taryn% .ont do this to yourself! Stop it! When he leaves Seaport, youll never hear from him again% I 9o2ght the interna7 war that was batt7ing in my mind 6 do I a77ow myse79 to be carried away * to s2rrender comp7ete7y and a77ow whatever happens to happen or do I end it a77 now and avoid the devastating heartbrea8 that was 7i8e7y and inevitab7e3 I 8new that I wo27d be comp7ete7y incapab7e o9 having a cas2a7 97ing with him: so that option was o2t. (ven tho2gh I co27d not reso7ve my di7emma now: I 8new that sooner or 7ater I=d have to ma8e a choice. /hen I ret2rned to him: he was gathering his things together and it was time 9or 2s to go. I didn=t want him to 7eave. I wanted to grab his hand and drag him bac8 to my bedroom. -y desire 9or him was 7eading the war. 2t he had to go. Be had ob7igations. Re72ctant7y: I grabbed my car 8eys and we headed 9or the door. Ryan managed to hop 9rom the bac8 door into my waiting car 2nnoticed. /e didn=t

ta78 very m2ch on the way to meet his driver. I thin8 he was too intrig2ed with how o2r secret e;change wo27d t2rn o2t to ho7d any conversations. )nd my interna7 s8irmish was sti77 batt7ing in my brain. /e met his driver in the empty rear par8ing 7ot be7onging to one o9 the 7oca7 te;ti7e man29act2rers: where it wo27d be di99ic27t 9or anyone to see or hide to ta8e photos. 5rom there his driver wo27d ta8e him to the 7ocation where they wo27d be 9i7ming today. Be t2rned to me to say his departing words. Bis 9ingers reached o2t to to2ch my 9ace and he than8ed me 9or a wonder927 morning. .I=77 ca77 yo2 7ater: o8ay34 he said as he p277ed his hand away. I smi7ed and nodded. It was the on7y response my con92sed brain was capab7e o9. Be s7ipped o2t o9 my car and <2ic87y hopped into the open door o9 the car that waited. )77 I co27d do was wave goodbye. y the time I ret2rned home: @ete was a7ready there: b2sy 2n7oading bo;es 9rom the van. .I p2t a77 the stea8s in the re9rigerator and the 7i<2or de7ivery is in the bac8:4 @ete in9ormed. I stepped behind the bar to p2t the cash drawer in the register. .?h and Tammy=s got the rest o9 the catering 2nder contro7. /e got everything on the 7ist: so we=re good to go 9or the party tomorrow.4 .Than8s @ete. 1o2 and Tammy are the bestE 0id I give yo2 eno2gh money or do I sti77 owe yo234 .The shrimp cost more than we 9ig2red b2t we sti77 came in 2nder b2dget. I thin8 there was abo2t U#0 7e9t.4 .I2st 8eep it. Aas costs money too. I=m >2st than8927 I have 9riends 7i8e yo2 two.4 I 97ashed him a big smi7e. .So: what=s 2p with yo234 @ete as8ed. I didn=t 8now what to say or how to e;p7ain my mood. .Bey: what=s going on34 Be came aro2nd to the bac8 o9 the bar when I 7oo8ed away. .I 8now yo2=ve beenH in a di99erent sit2ation 7ate7y. 1o2 want to ta78 abo2t it34 /hen I 7oo8ed him in the eye: I co27dn=t 7ie * comp7ete7y. @ete was the c7osest thing I had to a brother in this wor7d: and he 8new me we77 eno2gh to 8now something was wrong.

.I=m 9a77ing 9or him: @ete. I can=t he7p it anymore. I tried to >2st be 9riends:4 I said. . 2t I want him. I=ve never wanted a man more: and now I=m worried that I=m >2st setting myse79 2p 9or the biggest heartbrea8 o9 my 7i9e.4 @ete wrapped me in his big bear h2g. .1o2 8now: when Thomas p277ed that crap on yo2: I wanted to 8i77 him. 1o2=re too good o9 a person to accept anything 7ess than the best in 7i9e. 1o2 deserve to be happy: TarynE !ot every g2y is 7i8e Thomas. Aranted: Ryan is: we77... sti77 he seems 7i8e a he77 o9 a nice g2y.4 I 8new @ete didn=t want to say the words .9amo2s4 or .ce7ebrity.4 I too8 a step bac8 9rom him. /ords 7i8e .ce7ebrity4 e<2a7ed .2nobtainab7e4 in my mind. .1o2 >2st have to give the poor g2y a chance 9irst. 2t sometimes yo2 can a7so be yo2r own worst enemy:4 @ete sco7ded. .I9 you never ta8e chances: then o9 co2rse yo2 won=t get h2rt. 2t that=s what 7i9e is a77 abo2t: 8iddo. Living thro2gh the good and bad: and 6 with any 72c8 6 having batt7e scars that hea7.4 .@ete: he=s 7eaving in a co2p7e o9 wee8s. Be is not going to stic8 aro2nd here.4 I sighed heavi7y 9rom the one tho2ght that bro2ght me the most pain. ./hat am I s2pposed to do3 @2t my heart o2t there on the si7ver p7atter again and give it a77 away3 Bow convenient that a77 the g2ys I seem to 9a77 9or own sharp 8nives.4 I2st then my phone vibrated in my poc8et: start7ing me. .Spea8ing o9 sharp 8nives.4 G1 new message= 97ashed on the screen. I read Ryan=s te;t message and 7a2ghed to myse79. .I need d2ct tape4 .5or what34 I te;ted bac8. . b is throwing hissy 9it again she hates her cost2me today4 I 9rowned and <2ic87y typed" .canLt 2 7oc8 her in a trai7er34 .I wish4 .Is she coming tomorrow34 I as8ed. .1es sorry btw I s7ept great 7ast night best night s7eep in a 7ong time4 -y 9ingers <2ic87y typed" .Liar4 .Tr2thE4 popped 2p on my disp7ay. I smi7ed at his rep7y. .C2 tomorrow at $34 I rep7ied.

.U can c me tonight i9 2 want34

I co27dn=t te;t him bac8. I wanted to see him so bad b2t the se79*preservation portions o9 my heart and brain were screaming !? at me. I9 I say: .s2re: come on over and hop in my bed again4 6 wo27d he deem me easy3 I9 I say: .no: beca2se I rea77y want a re7ationship and not a one*night stand4 6 wo27d he move on3 /hy am I menta77y tort2ring myse793 8emember Taryn, hes going to be swirling out of your town and out of your life in a few wee"s. I2st beca2se he is pop27ar and we77 8nown: does that ma8e him e;empt 9rom having to win my heart3 /e77: that=s si77y. Be crac8s my wi77 every time he is in the same room with me: so he rea77y doesn=t have to try too hard to win my a99ection. -aybe one day when I=m o7d and gray I can te77 my story o9 how I had 2nbe7ievab7y insane se; with a movie star once3 That wo27d be something to te77 the grand8ids. -aybe my name co27d be a s2b*te;t b72rb 2nder his name on some Ryan Christensen website. ?ctober 6 s7ept with 9oo7ish gir7 in Rhode Is7and be9ore he met his movie star wi9e and went on to have b72e*eyed babies with her. I 2sed to see everything so b7ac8 or white. ?nce I made a decision: I st2c8 by it. 2t since this man entered my 7i9e: my who7e being has been disr2pted and b72rred in shades o9 gray*tinted what*i9=s. ?ne thing was 9or s2re" i9 I give in to him: I wo27d want him again and again. There wo27d not be a way to s2rvive a one*time enco2nter with him. Ryan=s 9oot to2ching my 9oot was eno2gh o9 a gest2re to ma8e me want him. )nd when he he7d me this morning: his 9ingers twined with mine: his body pressed against me: ma8ing 7ove to him was a77 I co27d thin8 o9. .Taryn: are yo2 o8ay34 -arie=s voice snapped me bac8 into the room. ./hy are yo2 sitting in the corner3 )re yo2 sic834 .I2st menta77y tort2ring myse79:4 I m2ttered. .?h: I see. )nd how=s that going 9or ya34 she as8ed: crac8ing a grin at me. .!ot good. The ange7 and the devi7 are debating on whether I sho27d cave or stand

my gro2nd.4 .5ina77yE It too8 yo2 7ong eno2ghE4 she said e;cited7y. .)nd34 I shr2gged. .1o2 8now what I thin83 I thin8 yo2 sho27d stop a77 this nonsense and screw the shit o2t o9 him 2nti7 he passes o2t 9rom e;ha2stion. )nd when he wa8es 2p: wash him and then screw the day7ights o2t o9 him againE4 She was beaming at me. .1o2=77 have to 9eed him: o9 co2rse: to 8eep his energy 7eve7 2p: b2t ma8e s2re yo2 hide his c7othes so he can=t get dressed. -en can=t r2n when they=re na8ed.4 I co27dn=t stop 7a2ghing. .Than8sE I needed that.4 .Come on:4 she said whi7e p277ing me o99 the bo; in the corner. .Let=s get yo2 9oc2sed. It wi77 be 7i8e training an ath7ete.4 ?2r Sat2rday night crowd was 2n2s2a77y 7ight. I didn=t have a band sched27ed: so I pres2med that we wo27dn=t have as many c2stomers: b2t since Ryan had been to my p7ace twice: every night seemed to be b2sy. I wondered why tonight was di99erent. I noticed that the in972; o9 e;tra women was missing. ) 9ew g2ys came in: b2t when they saw that the p7ace was devoid o9 a hearty se7ection o9 women: they pac8ed 2p and 7e9t. .I tho2ght we wo27d be getting hammered by now:4 -arie h299ed. ./here is the second wave o9 c2stomers34 ?ne o9 the 7adies sitting at the bar chimed in. .Ryan Christensen=s whereabo2ts were posted on the Internet. -y gir79riend ca77ed to te77 me that the cast is eating at The Syn927 Ari77. It has a new nightc72b attached ca77ed Synergy. She said the bar is so pac8ed that yo2 can=t even wa78 thro2gh the p7ace.4 .I=ve been there once:4 Cory said. .There=s a ten do77ar cover charge >2st to get in. 0rin8s were rea77y e;pensive too. I=m s2re there are 7ots o9 women there tonight.4 (reat! )pparent7y Ryan was occ2pying his time with other activities. I wondered i9 it was beca2se I didn=t rep7y to his 7ast te;t abo2t seeing him tonight. /o27d he move on that <2ic87y3 Apparently' It was a7most e7even o=c7oc8 when my phone rang instead o9 vibrating. I 7istened to my new ringtone: 7etting the song p7ay o2t so I co27d hear the 7yrics. -y smi7e was h2ge. .Bey yo2:4 Ryan breathed o2t. .)re yo2 wor8ing hard34 .!o: not rea77y. /e=re 8ind o9 dead: act2a77y. /hat are yo2 2p to34 It was hard to

hide my enth2siasm. .I=m at some resta2rant. /e >2st 9inished eating.4 ./ow. This 7ate34 I 7oo8ed at my watch. .It=s a7most e7even.4 .Sorry I didn=t ca77 yo2 ear7ier: b2t we had a director=s meeting at eight and then it too8 a whi7e 9or a77 o2r 9ood to come o2t. The 9ood pretty m2ch s2c8ed. It was disappointing:4 he snic8ered. .I promise I=77 9eed yo2 better tomorrow.4 .Bmm: I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to itE4 he stated. I tho2ght abo2t the song that he chose to p2t on my phone: wondering i9 his 9ee7ings were that gen2ine. Im yours: the 7yrics in9ormed. .I rea77y 7i8e my new ringtoneE4 I smi7ed. 0espite his motives: he managed to somehow 9ind my 9avorite song. .AoodE I=m g7ad:4 he sighed: so2nding re7ieved. .@retty deep tho2gh: don=t yo2 thin834 I as8ed: prompting him to e;p7ain the reason why he chose that song. .-aybe that was the intention:4 he retorted. .I wanted to get a message across so there=s no con92sion.4 I swa77owed hard: my s2bconscio2s 9ighting to protect me 9rom getting cr2shed again. .I 7ove Iason -raD:4 I contin2ed: trying to stay on the 7ighter side. .Be=s one o9 my a77*time 9avorites.4 .I 8now. 1o2 have a77 o9 his C0s * min2s the one that=s in my possession:4 he said: 7a2ghing <2ic87y. I tho2ght abo2t how he he7d me this morning and how desperate7y I wanted him to ho7d me againHin his warm arms. ,ould he be mine forever# .SoH am I to 2nderstand that yo2=re mine34 I as8ed teasing7y. .I can be yo2rs i9 yo2 want me to be: Taryn:4 he whispered. -y breath hitched 9rom his words. -y p27se <2ic8ened and my 9ingers started to tremb7e. .Is that yo2r intention34 I as8ed: sti77 s8eptica7. Ryan c7eared his throat. .-y intention is to 7et yo2 8now where my heart is. The

restH the rest is 2p to yo2:4 he said so9t7y. I too8 another deep breath. -y own heart was th2mping in my chest now. .SoH now what3 /here do we go 9rom here34 ./e give it a chance:4 Ryan dec7ared <2ite convincing7y.

Chapter 13 - Possibi"ities

It was a7most midnight when Ryan secret7y entered thro2gh the bac8 door o9 my p2b. The 7ight was t2rned o99: so the 8itchen was dar8 when he arrived. Be had his >ac8et hood p277ed 2p over his head again and his tr2sty messenger bag was s72ng over his sho27der. I had >2st 7oc8ed the door behind him when he dropped his st299ed bag on the 97oor and s7ow7y wa78ed to stand in 9ront o9 me. .Be77o:4 he whispered and gent7y smi7ed: bending s7ight7y to give me a h2g. /itho2t hesitating: he s7ipped one hand aro2nd my waistC his other hand pressed higher on my bac8. This h2g was di99erent 6 way di99erent 9rom his norma7 approach. Be a7ways h2gged me aro2nd my sho27dersC my arms wo27d go aro2nd his waist. Bis new stance s2rprised me and nat2ra77y 9orced my arms to wrap aro2nd his sho27ders. -y nose s8immed across his chest when he p277ed me in. (od he smells good! Bis 9ingertips pressed into my bac8 as his 7ips so9t7y 8issed my 9orehead. 5ire b2rned thro2gh my veinsC the to2ch o9 his 7ips on my s8in sent a wave o9 aro2sa7 thro2gh my core. -y hands responded instant7y and instinctive7y and witho2t conscio2s intervention I started to caress his nec8. The 7ight 9rom the bar pee8ed thro2gh the crac8ed 8itchen door: i772minating his chee8 in the dar8ness. -y 9ingers reached to trace the 7ight on his 9ace. Be 7oo8ed down at me with smo7dering eyes. S7ow7y he 7eaned towards me and pressed his 7ips to mine. Bis 9irst 8isses were tender: pa2sing to rest his 7ips on mine MI s2ppose to meas2re my reactionN b2t my mo2th enco2raged him to proceed. I 9e7t his 7ips part as the so9t tip o9 his tong2e >oined in with his 8iss. Bis mo2th was so9t: wet: and comp7ete7y hypnotic. 0esire 9or him shot thro2gh every ce77 in my body: cons2ming my every tho2ght. Be p7aced his warm hand on my nec8 to ho7d my 9ace to his as he 8issed me

passionate7y. -y protective she77 o9 se79*preservation shattered into a mi77ion pieces as the entire o2tside wor7d ceased to e;ist. ?2r 7ips moved together in per9ect harmony as his tong2e g7ided against mine. Bis 8issing was 9ar better than I co27d have ever imagined. I tried 7i8e he77 to remember why I had denied myse79 this type o9 p7eas2re 9or so 7ong: b2t the heat 9rom his ragged breath s2rged right into my head and me7ted my brain. Bis hands were ho7ding my 9ace when he bro8e away 9rom o2r 8iss. Be wrapped his arms aro2nd my body. $o, dont stop! /hat was 7e9t o9 my brain p7eaded 9or him to 8eep 8issing me. .1o2 don=t 8now how 7ong I=ve wanted to do that:4 Ryan whispered. -y heart was beating so 9ast: I wondered i9 he co27d 9ee7 it po2nding thro2gh his >ac8et. I too8 a ha79 step bac8 and b2mped into the co2nter behind meC I was <2ite 7ight* headed. -y hand was c7enched on the 9ront o9 his >ac8et when I staggered bac8C my grip p277ed his body 9orward. Li8e a 7ightning 97ash: he grabbed me 2nder my arms and 7i9ted me 2p onto the co2nterC his 9orce927ness t2rned me on even more. -y 9ingers wove into his hair and my 7egs wrapped aro2nd his hipsC o2r 7ips e;pressed o2r m2t2a7 desire. Be pressed himse79 into meC I co27d 9ee7 thro2gh his >eans that he was comp7ete7y aro2sed. -y mind raced: thin8ing abo2t having him inside me. Bis 9ingers c7enched and c7awed at the bac8 poc8ets o9 my >eans: p277ing me 9orward and b2mping me into him. I envisioned him ma8ing 7ove to me right here on this co2nter. y the way he r2bbed into me: I was s2re he was thin8ing the same thing. I so9t7y moaned as the h2nger t2rned to passion. The intensity o9 o2r 8issing ca7med and s7owed 2nti7 o2r 7ips rested together. /e both smi7ed. .I don=t remember. 0id I even say hi34 Ryan whispered: >o8ing with me. .1es. 1o2 had me at he77oE4 I gigg7ed on his 7ips. Be ch2c87ed in my mo2th. .I thin8 yo2 have me con92sed with another 9amo2s actor:4 he said: 8issing me in between 7a2ghs.

Bis mo2th 7oc8ed bac8 on mine: convincing me that this amaDing connection between 2s deserved a chance to grow. oth o9 o2r hands had a7ready 9o2nd s8inC his hands were 2nder my shirt and midway 2p my bac8. ?ne o9 my hands had s8immed down his nec8 and 2nderneath the co77ar o9 his T*shirt. I had his bottom 7ip between my teeth when tho2ghts o9 -arie wa78ing in on o2r ma8e*o2t session started to p2t a damper on my 72st. .1o2 8nowH be9ore we get b2stedH4 I s7ipped o99 the co2nter and into his arms. Ryan gathered his bag 9rom the 97oor. I was am2sed to see that he had to ad>2st his pants. Bis aro2sa7 was de9inite7y noticeab7e. I pee8ed o2t the door be9ore attempting to snea8 him 9rom the 8itchen to the stairwe77. -ost o9 the crowd had disappeared. There were on7y abo2t twenty peop7e 7e9t in the p2b: b2t I sti77 wanted to get him 2pstairs 2nnoticed. Ryan had >2st s7ipped thro2gh the stairwe77 door as -arie came aro2nd the corner at the same moment. She was 7oo8ing 9or me and I was b2sted. Ber 9ace bro8e into an e;27tant grin when she saw what I was 2p to. .Ryan34 she mo2thed as she pointed to the door. I shr2gged. -y shame927 smi7e was eno2gh o9 a con9irmation 9or her. .A7ad to see yo2=re ta8ing my adviceE Ao on: I=77 7oc8 2p. There are on7y a co2p7e o9 peop7e here. @ete and I wi77 ta8e care o9 it. Ao: have a great nightE4 I was ha79way 2p the steps when -arie ca77ed me bac8. I tossed my 8ey to Ryan. .I=77 be right bac8:4 I said to him: nodding 9or him to go on witho2t me. I trotted down the steps and a7most ran right into -arie. .1o2 9orgetting something34 she teased: ho7ding o2t a chi77ed bott7e o9 champagne. Ryan had his coat o99 and was in the 7iving room when I wa78ed into my apartment. .Ai9t 9rom -arie.4 I handed the bott7e to him. .She saw yo2. Sorry:4 I apo7ogiDed. .0on=t worry: she won=t say anything.4 .0o yo2 want me to open this34 he as8ed: even tho2gh he a7ready started to pee7 the 9oi7 o99 the top. .S2re. Let me get some g7asses.4

Be popped the cor8 and po2red as I he7d the g7asses. Ryan s7ipped one g7ass 9rom my hand and he7d it 2p. .ToH possibi7ities.4 Be tapped his g7ass gent7y into mine and 97ashed a s27try smi7e at me. ./hat time do yo2 thin8 yo2=77 be done tonight34 he as8ed: sipping his champagne. .)ct2a77y: I=ve been given the rest o9 the night o99. -arie and @ete wi77 c7ose tonight.4 .Rea77y3 1o2=re done 9or the night34 Be so2nded p7eased. .1ep. /e weren=t that b2sy 9or some reason. A2ess there was some big commotion going on at the Syn927 Ari77 tonight 6 too8 most o9 my c2stomers away.4 Be ti7ted his head to give me an annoyed 7oo8. .The on7y reason I 8now that is beca2se one o9 my c2stomers received a message that yo2 were there. She said yo2r 7ocation was posted on the Internet.4 .Unbe7ievab7e:4 he m2ttered. I co27d te77 that 2pset him. .Loo8: I=m sorry. I didn=t mean toH4 Be stopped me. .!o: no: I=m not mad at yo2. It=s >2st messed 2p. I can=t even go o2t to eat witho2t it being a h2ge pain in the ass. It=s 7i8e having a sta78er: on7y they trave7 in pac8s. I don=t 8now why they even give a shit.4 Be started r2bbing his 9ace hard: so I tried to thin8 o9 something that wo27d get his mind o99 o9 this path. .Bey: wo27d yo2 he7p me a second34 I he7d o2t my hand to p277 him 2p 9rom his seat. Be wi77ing7y 9o77owed me to the 8itchen. .Can yo2 p277 the other trays o9 stea8s o2t o9 the 9ridge3 I need to 97ip them.4 I had 9i9teen stea8s marinating 9or o2r S2nday dinner. .These stea8s 7oo8 awesomeE /hat=s in the >2ice34 he as8ed. .)h: that=s a trade secret. I co27d te77 yo2: b2t then I=d have to 8i77 yo2E4 I teased him. .I=m going to need he7p carrying these 2p to the roo9 tomorrow. Can I co2nt on yo2 to he7p me34 .)bso72te7yE4 he rep7ied: wincing at me 7i8e I wo27d need to as8 that o9 him. I co27d te77 that his 2pset mood was s7ow7y 7i9ting. Bis gears were pretty easy to switch.

.The marinade is on7y the 9irst part o9 the process. There=s a who7e gri77ing techni<2e too.4 .Is that a trade secret too: or are yo2 going to share that34 .Tr2th9277y I sto7e the idea 9rom an artic7e in Ma0im Maga=ine%4 ./hat are yo2 doing reading Ma0im3 Loo8ing 9or yo2r pict2re34 Be n2dged me with his e7bow. .1eah rightE -y 2nc7e got my dad a s2bscription 9or Christmas one year and there was an entire artic7e on how to gri77 9ood.4 I shr2gged. .So how do yo2 7i8e yo2r stea83 )re yo2 a rare or we77*done 8ind*o9 g2y34 .-edi2m*we77. I=m not craDy abo2t seeing my 9ood b7eed.4 Be sh2ddered. .-e tooE4 I said: shoc8ed that we had another thing in common. /hen we 9inished in the 8itchen: Ryan started to per2se my 0F0 co77ection. .Can we watch a movie3 1o2 have one that I=d 7i8e to see.4 Be 8ic8ed his shoes o99 and made himse79 com9ortab7e on the co2ch. /hen I sat down ne;t to him: he he7d his hand o2t to me. .Bey: come here:4 he whispered. Be repositioned his body so I was 7ying on his chest. Ryan smi7ed at me and 8issed my 9orehead so9t7y. Bis 9inger gent7y raised my chin and he 8issed me tender7y. I was s2rprised that he didn=t try to ma8e o2t with me again. Instead: a9ter a 9ew 7oving 8isses: he >2st he7d me in his arms whi7e we watched the movie. I=d seen the movie he chose a 9ew times be9ore: so it was hard 9or me to rea77y pay attention to it * especia77y since I was sn2gg7ed in his arms. Ryan was so9t7y stro8ing my hair and my bac8 and it made me very re7a;ed. I was so com9ortab7e 7ying on him: I 9e7t myse79 dri9ting. .Taryn: sweetie. /a8e 2p:4 Ryan whispered groggi7y. Be shi9ted his body 2nderneath me so he co27d sit 2p. I r2bbed my eyes and noticed the c7oc8 6 it was a 9ew min2tes ti77 two. Ryan s7ipped into the bathroom. I waited 9or Ryan to 9inish so I co27d ta8e my t2rn. .0o yo2 mind i9 I stay34 he as8ed. .I9 not: I can a7ways >og to the hote7. Bope9277y the paparaDDi are s7eeping.4

.It=s pretty 7ate:4 I whispered: not 8nowing how to convey my tho2ghts. I didn=t want him to r2n anywhere. /e gaDed at each other 9or a momentC I watched his mo2th c2r7 down in disappointment. I: too: 9e7t the same sadness thin8ing abo2t him 7eaving. There was on7y one answer. .Stay:4 I whispered. .0o yo2 have an e;tra pi77ow34 Bis eyes 97ashed down the ha77way to the 7iving room. I g2ess he was o99ering to s7eep on the co2ch. /e stood there in the ha77way 7eaning on opposing wa77s in si7ence: >2st staring at each other: waiting and ga2ging each other=s reaction. Be was trying to be a gent7eman and not 9orce his way into my bedroom witho2t an invitation: b2t in my mind: the co2ch in the 9ront room was too 9ar o9 a distance between 2s. Things wo27d be a 7ot di99erent in my bedroom tonight 9rom how they were 7ast night: and we both 8new it. The door to physica7 contact and se;2a7 intimacy had been opened. I he7d o2t my hand: craving 9or him to ho7d me in his arms 7i8e he did this morning. Ryan gent7y smi7ed and p7aced >2st the tips o9 his 9ingers on mine. I c2r7ed his 9ingers into the pa7m o9 my hand and 7ed him into my dar8 bedroom. I t2rned on the 7itt7e 7amp that sits on my dresser to so9t7y i772minate the bedroom and <2ic87y s7ipped into the bathroom to change. Ryan waited 9or me to ret2rn. Be stood there: staring at me as he pee7ed his shirt o99 over his head. Bis chest and arms were strong and de9ined: and the 7ight 9rom the 7amp made his s8in g7ow. I watched him open his >eans and ta8e them o99 his 7ong 7egs. Be tried to 7ay his pants on my bedroom chair b2t he missedC some 7oose change made ting so2nds on the wooden 97oor when it 9e77 o2t o9 his poc8ets. Be <2ic87y stripped his soc8s o99 and tossed them one by one to the 97oor. Ryan s7id into bed and ad>2sted the pi77ows 2nti7 he was com9ortab7e. /e inched c7oser to each other and I hesitant7y rested my hand on his bare chest. I wanted to 7et my 9ingers roam 9ree b2t my hand was inconvenient7y 9roDen in p7ace. Be s7id down the bed 2nti7 o2r eyes were at the same 7eve7. /e gaDed into each other=s eyes and he gent7y stro8ed my chee8C those 2nspo8en words o9 the possibi7ities o9 what co27d happen ne;t 97owed between 2s. Bis 9ingertips g2ided my 9ace to his as he so9t7y 8issed my 7ips. Bis to2ch was so

gent7e it made me smi7e. S7ow7y: sens2a77y: o2r hands to2ched each other=s bodies. ?2r 9ingertips 7ight7y trai7ed over each other=s s8in: ta8ing the 7iberty to e;p7ore 2ncharted territory. Bis hand pressed in the sma77 o9 my bac8 as he p277ed me c7oserC his 8isses comp7ete7y aro2sed my body. So9t7y he bit and s2c8ed my bottom 7ip into his mo2th and I moaned 9rom the p7eas2re. I ran my hand down his bac8: pressing my 9ingertips into his s8in to massage his m2sc27ar 9rame. I had wanted to 9ee7 his body 9or so 7ong now and I was 9ina77y getting my wish. Bis hand gripped my hip in response: sending another shoc8wave thro2gh my veins. I co27d 9ee7 his 9ingers tense and press into my hipbone as I ran my tong2e over his 72scio2s 7ips. -y 9ingers trai7ed down his chest to his stomachC his body <2ivered 7ight7y 2nder my to2ch. I co27d 9ee7 that he was comp7ete7y aro2sed. I was getting too carried away in the momentC a 9ew min2tes more o9 this and there=d be no t2rning bac8. 0o2bt: 9ear: crept into my tho2ghts: <2e77ing ecstasy and desire. I p7aced my 97at hand on his chest and 7ight7y p2shed bac8 away 9rom himC I needed a moment to catch my breath. I r2bbed my eyes as the sensib7e person who 7ives in my brain spo8e 2p. .Taryn: I 2nderstand. I want yo2 so bad: b2t I don=t want to do anything yo2=re not ready to do:4 Ryan whispered. I had no wi77 7e9t. -y body craved to 9ee7 him * a77 o9 him. -y tho2ghts wrest7ed with that desire as a77 the warning be77s went o99 in my head. Be wrapped his 9ingers aro2nd my wrist and moved my hand away 9rom my eyes. .Ta78 to me. Te77 me what=s on yo2r mind.4 .I=m worried.4 I shr2gged: trying 7i8e he77 not to appear 7i8e an immat2re: ne2rotic mess. -y words came o2t in a whisper. ./hat are yo2 worried abo2t34 I too8 a deep breath and sighed. .I 8now yo2=re notH4 I m2rm2red: stopping myse79. .I don=t do cas2a7 very we77. Se; 9or me invo7ves emotions and in rea7ityH yo2=re not going to be here 9or m2ch 7onger.4 The words were di99ic27t to say.

.Loo8 at me. @7ease... 7oo8 in my eyes:4 he so9t7y p7eaded. I t2rned to gaDe bac8 at him. Bis eyes were captivating. .I9 yo2 haven=t noticed: I=m pretty craDy abo2t yo2. 1o2=re a77 I thin8 abo2t:4 he said as he br2shed his 9ingertips on my chee8. .1o2=re not the on7y one ma8ing an emotiona7 investment here. .I 8now why yo2=re worried: Taryn.4 Be too8 in a deep breath. .I=m not here to 2se yo2 or to h2rt yo2. 1o2 have to 2nderstand * it=s not easy 9or me to have any 8ind o9 re7ationship: despite what peop7e thin8. It=s di99ic27t 9or me to 8eep a private 7i9e or to tr2st anyone. ?ne o9 my o7d gir79riends so7d o2r re7ationship to the tab7oids 9or money.4 Be 7oo8ed away: wincing 9rom the 2np7easant memory. .)9ter that: we77: 7et=s >2st say it=s been a whi7e since I=ve been this emotiona77y c7ose with anyone.4 Be 7oo8ed bac8 into my eyes. . e7ieve me when I say that random one*nighters are not my sty7e. That=s a77 I need: 9or st299 7i8e that to be in print too.4 .I g2ess we=re two 8indred spirits then:4 I said. ./hat do yo2 mean34 Be 7oo8ed at me 9or an e;p7anation. .1o2 don=t tr2st women and I don=t tr2st men.4 .B2h:4 he breathed o2t. .So why don=t yo2 tr2st men34 .I wasH invo7ved with someone a 9ew months ago: too:4 I said hesitant7y. I didn=t want to accidenta77y say the scary word .engaged4 o2t 7o2d 9earing that Ryan might r2n i9 he thin8s I on7y have marriage on the brain. .Let=s >2st say that one woman wasn=t eno2gh 9or him.4 I p2rsed my 7ips 9rom the tho2ght. .)nyway: so2nds 7i8e we=ve both had o2r 9air share o9 pain to dea7 with.4 .1eah: b2t the di99erence is that yo2r heartaches aren=t 9ront*page news printed on the cover o9 mi77ions o9 magaDines:4 he h299ed as he ran his 9ingers bac8 thro2gh his hair. .)nd you don=t need a @2b7icist when yo2 brea8 2p with someone.4 I sat 2p on my e7bow and rested my hand on his chest. .Ryan: I care abo2t yo2: a 7ot. I g2ess that=s why I=m hesitant to >2mp into this 6 beca2se we both need to be ab7e to tr2st each other. 2t I promise: no matter what happens between 2s: I wi77 never: ever: betray yo2.4 I stared into his dar8 eyes. .Inside here is compassion and tenderness and I see a bea2ti927 so27 who deserves to be 7oved. I can on7y hope that yo2 tr2st me eno2gh now to

be7ieve me when I say I wo27d never do anything to h2rt yo2.4 Be r2bbed my arm gent7y and then p7aced his hand on mine as it rested on his chest. ) smi7e appeared on his 9ace. .I 8now.4 Ryan too8 a deep breath and 7oo8ed me in the eyes. .-y 7i9e has been t2rned 2p*side*down these 7ast 9ew years. I 9ee7 7i8e I=ve been 7iving in this chaotic e;istence. 2t when I=m with yo2: IH I 9ee7 strange7y at peace. I 9ee7 7i8e I can tr2st yo2 with my secrets. )nd yo2 have something that no one e7se has. /hen I 7oo8 at yo2:4 his eyes he7d my gaDe: .yo2 ta8e my breath away.4 Bis words momentari7y too8 my breath away. .Taryn: I=m 9aH4 Be stopped to bite his 7ip and sighed: swa77owing hard. .I care abo2t yo2 too 6 so m2ch more than I thin8 yo2 rea7iDe. I=ve been trying to ta8e this s7ow 9or a reason: yo2 8nowH trying not to r2sh it. 2t being with yo2 is >2st so easy and nat2ra7: and I=m pretty s2re yo2 9ee7 the same way.4 .1es: I do:4 I breathed o2t: amaDed that we both 9e7t so deep7y 9or each other. .I can=t he7p the way I 9ee7 and I don=t want to ho7d bac8 these 9ee7ings any 7onger.4 .!either do I:4 I whispered. Ryan gent7y smi7ed. .Taryn: every time I=m away 9rom yo2: I can=t wait to see yo2 again. I >2st want to be with yo2.4 Bis 9ingers swept the hair o2t o9 my eyes. )t that moment: I 9e7t every 9iber o9 my so27 want to ta8e the h2ge 7eap o9 9aith. I was a7ready 9a77ing in 7ove with him: and to hear his con9ession o9 his 9ee7ings made my decision easier to ma8e. !o matter what happens 9rom this point 9orward: it was too 7ate to worry or regret. -y body h2mmed with desire 9or his to2ch. I 7eaned over and so9t7y 8issed him. Bis 9ingers tang7ed in my hair and I 9e7t his h2nger 9or me. Aent7y he ro77ed me onto my bac8C his eyes opened and 7oc8ed onto mine. .)re yo2 s2re3 GCa2se I want yo2 more than air right now:4 he sighed. I reached 2p and p277ed his 9ace bac8 to mine. .-a8e 7ove to me:4 I m2rm2red on his 7ips. .@7ease:4 I begged. ?2r mo2ths me7ted together. Be wasn=t in a h2rryC he 8issed me s7ow7y: sens2a77y. I co27d sense that he was going to ma8e 7ove to me: not >2st have se; with me. Ryan s7id his hand 2nderneath my shirt as he 8issed me. Be p277ed my shirt 2p and I he7ped him remove it 9rom my body. /itho2t ta8ing his eyes o99 o9 me: he wadded my top 2p

in his hands and tossed it across the room behind him. Be trai7ed his 9ingertips down my nec8: stim27ating my senses: s7ow7y c2pping my breast in his hand. ) power927 >o7t o9 aro2sa7 shoc8ed into my be77y as his 7ips moved 9rom my mo2th to my breast. -y entire body ting7edC co27d he possib7y 8now how good that 9e7t to me3 -y 9ingers combed into his hair and I pressed his 9ace into my body >2st a bit harder. -y eyes c7osed and I san8 into the p2re p7eas2re o9 his tong2e on my s8in. I ran my hands 7ight7y 9rom his hair to his sho27ders: moaning 9rom his to2ch. I p277ed his 9ace bac8 to mine: h2ngry 9or him. Bis hand s7id down my bac8 and his 9ingers entered the space between my s8in and panties. ) p7ay927 grow7 s7ipped 2p his throat when he s<2eeDed my rear. Ryan hoo8ed the top o9 my panties with his th2mb: pee7ing them away. I s7ow7y wigg7ed: c2r7ing my 7egs onto his as he p277ed them down and o99 my body. They a7so got tossed onto the 97oor. Be ran his strong hand s7ow7y over my bodyC 9rom my breast to my stomachC 9rom my hip to my thigh. Be trai7ed his 9ingertips 2p the inside o9 my 7eg: driving me a bit c7oser to insanity. I gasped and sh2ddered 2nder his to2ch. Bis 7ong 9ingers toyed with me: stim27ating a77 the right spots. I was so aro2sed I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d e;p7ode. I s7id my 9ingers 2nder his e7astic waistband and 2sed my 9orearm to p2sh the cotton that separated 2s down on his hip. -y hand c7asped aro2nd him and stro8ed whi7e he moaned in my mo2th as we 8issed. Be bro8e away 9rom o2r m2t2a7 p7eas2re and removed his bo;ers. /e 7ay there on o2r sides 9acing each other: comp7ete7y 9ree o9 c7othing: as open and v27nerab7e as one co27d ever be with another h2man being. Ryan reached 2p and care9277y c2pped my 9ace in his hand. Be didn=t 8iss meC he >2st r2bbed his th2mb on my chee8 and over my 7ips as he gaDed into my eyes 9or the 7ongest time. ) smi7e bro8e on his 9ace and it made me smi7e bac8 at him. S7ow7y his body hovered over mine. Bis 8nees shi9ted on the bed and made my 7egs spread a bit wider: ca2sing another wave o9 aro2sa7 to p27se into my veins. Be 7eaned down and so9t7y 8issed me. Bis 8issing was s7ow: passionate: 7i8e every to2ch o9 his 7ips was meant to convey a speci9ic 9ee7ing. I ran my 9ingers 7ight7y over the arm that he 2sed to steady his body as he p7aced

himse79 inside me. I s2c8ed in a sharp breath 9rom the p7eas2rab7e pain that accompanied his penetration. I watched as he c7osed his eyes 9or a momentC he <2iet7y moaned as he entered me. Bis 7ips ret2rned to 8iss mine and he care9277y pressed the weight o9 his body down on me. I opened my 7egs wider and wrapped them aro2nd his bodyC the desire to 9ee7 every inch o9 him was a7most pain927. Bis eyes were 9i;ed on mine as his hips s7ow7y ro77ed. Be 8issed my 7ips and chee8 so9t7y whi7e his hand he7d my rear o99 the bed. Be was s7ow: intense: and precise. Be sighed in my ear and I wrapped my arms tighter aro2nd his body. .?h: Tar. ?h Aod: yo2 9ee7 so good:4 he breathed o2t whi7e he s2c8ed my nec8. There was no aw8wardness: no 9ear as he made 7ove to me. ?2r bodies 9it together 7i8e two 7ost p2DD7e pieces that were 9ina77y >oined. Be ro77ed onto his bac8 and p277ed me on top o9 him. Bis hands assisted my movements whi7e I 7ight7y ran my 9ingers 2p and down his chest. Bis eyes were wide with p7eas2re. I pressed my hands into the bed on either side o9 his head whi7e I e;erted more 9orce. Be s2c8ed in a sharp breath. .?h: Tar:4 he moaned: so9t7y 8issing my chin. Be wrapped his arm aro2nd my bac8: p277ing me tight7y to his chest. I 9e7t his teeth gent7y bite into my co77arbone whi7e we moaned together. .Lie down ne;t to me:4 he whispered in my ear. I s7ipped o99 o9 him and ro77ed onto my sideC he wrapped his arm 2nder my thigh and entered me 9rom behind. .?h: don=t stop:4 I gasped. Bis 9ingers accompanied o2r 2nion: 9inding >2st the right spot to send me over the edge. Ryan=s mo2th 7oc8ed on mine: stopping me 9rom screaming o2t 7o2d 9rom the mind*b7owing orgasm that he was roc8eting thro2gh my body. )s soon as I stopped <2ivering he ro77ed me over onto my stomach. ?2r bodies were sti77 connected when he p277ed me 2p onto my 8nees. I s2c8ed in a 9ew breaths thro2gh my c7enched teeth as I 9e7t his 9ingers and movements bringing on my second orgasm. I s<2eeDed down on him: gripping him inside me: and I 9e7t him sh2dder into me. Be 7et o2t a 7ong groan as we c7ima;ed together. Ryan 7ay bac8 down ne;t to me on the bedC o2r breathing was deep and 7abored. I heard him e;ha7e with 9orce as he ran his hand bac8 thro2gh his hair. ) tric87e o9 sweat

dripped down my nec8 and onto my pi77ow as I stared b7iss9277y at the strea8s o9 moon7ight on my bedroom cei7ing. Bis hand s7id over the sheet 2nti7 his 9ingers 9o2nd mine: ta8ing my hand in his. I breathed o2t a77 the air in my 72ngs: trying to get my heart to s7ow down. ./owE4 I gigg7ed. I had no sa7iva 7e9t in my mo2th. Be ch2c87ed 7ight7y. .1o2 said it. ThatH wasH /owE4 Be ro77ed onto his sideC o2r eyes met and we both smi7ed and grinned at each other. Aent7y he wiped the hair o99 o9 my 9oreheadC his 9ingers trai7ed down my 9ace and 7i9ted my chin so he co27d 8iss me again. /e 7ay there 9or a 7ong time: arms and 7egs intertwined: staring intense7y into each other=s eyes. Be so9t7y p7aced tender 8isses on my 7ips. Be 7et o2t a big yawn and then smi7ed so9t7y. /e were both e;ha2sted and sti77 reve7ing in the a9terg7ow o9 o2r incredib7e orgasms. It was getting harder and harder to 8eep my eyes open. Bis yawns were contagio2s. .)re yo2 ready to go to s7eep34 Be 8issed my nose. I smi7ed and nodded s7ight7y. .-mmhmm.4 I ro77ed over and 7eaned bac8 on his bare chest. Be p277ed the sheet and b7an8et 2p over 2s and wrapped his 7ong arm aro2nd me. I p277ed his hand 2p to my 7ips and then wove my 9ingers into his. .Aood night 7ove:4 he whispered: 8issing my bare sho27der. )77 my m2sc7es re7a;ed and I s7ow7y dri9ted o99 to s7eep: bas8ing in the warmth and b7iss o9 my most incredib7e dream. I 9e7t his chest rise and 9a77 as we breathed in and o2t together: peace9277y 97oating on a c7o2d with him. I tho2ght I heard Ryan=s voice so9t7y say: .I 7ove yo2.4 )7tho2gh it was bare7y a whisper: the so2nd o9 his voice was so c7ear it snapped me bac8 into conscio2sness. -y eyes instant7y popped open. I 9e7t his hot breath e;ha7e 9orce9277y onto my sho27der and his arm twitched: p277ing me tighter to his chest. I 7istened to his breathing to see i9 he was s7eeping. .id he really !ust whisper that in my ear# It so2nded 7i8e he was a7ready as7eep. I c7osed my eyes thin8ing I m2st be >2st imagining things. The c7oc8 read &"1, a.m. when I wo8e. Ryan=s warm: na8ed body was nest7ed with mine. )s m2ch as I didn=t want to move 9rom my e;treme7y com9ortab7e spot: nat2re was

ca77ing. I wigg7ed myse79 9ree 9rom his arm and s7id my body to the edge o9 the bed. I 7oo8ed aro2nd on the 97oor 9or my c7othes: not seeing them anywhere. I wa78ed to his side o9 the bed. Where the he " is my shirt# Be ro77ed over to watch me h2nt. .Aood -orningE4 he m2rm2red happi7y. I t2rned and smi7ed at him whi7e I made a menta7 note to b2y a robe the ne;t time I go shopping. .Aood -orningE Bave yo2 seen my shirt34 I as8ed with a smi7e. .1ep. I 8now right where it is: b2t I can=t te77 yo2.4 Be shoo8 his head and combed his hair bac8 with his 9ingers. Be 7oo8ed so damn se;y 7ying there na8ed in my bed. I smir8ed at him. Bis T*shirt was on the 97oor so I pic8ed it 2p and s7ipped it over my head. The cotton he7d his de7icio2s scent. .!iceE4 Be grinned at me. .B2rry bac8E4 Ryan too8 his t2rn in the bathroom whi7e I p2t a pot o9 co99ee on. Instead o9 >oining me in the 8itchen: he went bac8 to bed. I stopped in the doorway o9 my bedroom: 7eaning on the door9rame whi7e I too8 a moment to soa8 in the view. Be was 7ying with his arms 9o7ded 2p 2nder his head: the 7ight 9rom the window made his s8in g7isten. -y eyes trave7ed down his e;posed body and I co27d see more c7ear7y the 7ight hairs that started at his chest and became more de9ined near his be77yb2tton. The bed sheet bare7y covered the rest o9 him: b2t I no 7onger needed to 2se my imagination. Be smi7ed at me and patted his hand on the empty space on the bed. I grinned at him and s7ow7y shoo8 my head. I had another 7ocation in mind. Bis eyes narrowed on me with con92sion. I gigg7ed a 7itt7e: stepped bac8 o2t o9 view and s7ipped his shirt o99. I he7d his shirt 2p: waving it in the air so he co27d see it: and then dropped it to the 97oor. Be was a smart manC I 9ig2red he=d get the hint. I had >2st t2rned the water on in the shower when he s7ipped his hands aro2nd my waist. The hot water 9e7t good on my aching m2sc7es. It had been too 7ong since I bent and stretched in the ways I did 7ast night. I 9e7t 2nbe7ievab7y re7a;ed as he r2bbed my sho27ders 2nder the water stream. /e too8 t2rns washing each other. Bis hands 7athered the shampoo in my hair as he

pressed his 9ingertips on my sca7p and nec8. It was so soothing and erotic at the same time. Be was de9inite7y en>oying r2nning the soapy sponge over my body: ma8ing s2re to wash every noo8 and cranny thoro2gh7y. -y soapy hand washed him as his 7ips 8issed me passionate7y. I 7et my mo2th drin8 9rom the shower water on his chest be9ore I 8ne7t down in 9ront o9 him. -y eyes 97ic8ered 2p to watch his 9ace e;press his p7eas2re. Bis 9ingers tang7ed in my wet hair as I tightened my grip. I was so t2rned on >2st hearing him moan I wanted to 9inish him o99 where he stood. Ryan grabbed my wrists and stood me 2p. .Let=s get o2t o9 here:4 he said. I handed a towe7 to him and wrapped another one aro2nd my body. Be didn=t bother to dry o99. Be dropped the towe7 on the 97oor and g2ided me bac8 to the sin8. .Bave a seat.4 Be smir8ed: assisting me onto the bathroom co2nter. Be dropped to his 8nees and s7id me to the edgeC his hands p2shed my thighs apart. I 9e7t his tong2e 9irst: 9o77owed by a s2rge o9 p7eas2re. Bis 9ingers he7d me open as he b2ried his 9ace into my body. Be pressed my 7egs bac8 92rther. I ran my hands thro2gh his wet hair as he devo2red me. The heat inside my center reached its brea8ing point and I 9e7t 7i8e an e;p7osion too8 p7ace right in the core o9 my being. (ach additiona7 97ic8 o9 his tong2e sent shoc8wave a9ter shoc8wave thro2gh my entire body o2t to the tips o9 my 9ingers and toes: and I sh2ddered 9rom the ecstasy he 2n7eashed on me. I swear I heard him ch2c87e ever so <2iet7y as he 8issed the inside o9 my thigh. Be stood 2p and p7aced himse79 inside me. Coo7 water dripped 9rom his hair onto my chest and stomach as we moved together. Bis arms he7d my 7egs apart: opening me wider. I watched his eyes s<2eeDe sh2tC he was breathing hard thro2gh his open 7ips. So9t moans escaped 9rom both o9 2s. .Ryan: 7et=s go bac8 to the bed:4 I gasped. I was s7iding o99 the sin8 top. Be 7i9ted me 2p and carried me whi7e o2r bodies stayed >oined. Be 7ay me down on the edge o9 the bed and grabbed my an87es: p7acing them to rest on his sho27ders. Be rested his 9ree hand on meC his th2mb 7anded at >2st the right spot: ca2sing me to s2c8 in a sharp breath or two. .amn, he is good! I 8new a second orgasm was coming soon.

.I=m c7oseH in or o2t34 he as8ed between stro8es. .?h Aod: don=t stop:4 I moaned: s<2eeDing down on him. I 9e7t his teeth care9277y bite into my an87e. .It=s... 8: stay in.4 I a7most stopped breathing whi7e I 7et the interna7 c7ima; have at me. -y bac8 arched re97e;ive7yC my hands c7enched the bed sheet. Ryan c7ima;ed soon a9ter I did and I 9e7t his body sh2dder as he er2pted inside me. ) not*so*<2iet groan ro77ed o2t o9 his throat.

Chapter 11 -ri""e

.So I have a <2estion I=ve been meaning to as8 yo2:4 I said as we too8 o2r second shower. Ryan 7eaned into the stream o9 water: rinsing the soap o99 o9 his sho27ders. ./hat: honey34 .Bow is it that yo2=ve been ab7e to s7ip thro2gh my bac8 door 2nnoticed by the paparaDDi3 I 8now they 9o77ow yo2 everywhere: b2t somehow yo2=ve managed to hide 9rom them.4 Be smi7ed. .It=s comp7icated. 0o yo2 8now what a she77 game is34 .1eah:4 I said. .The coin or whatever is 2nderneath one o9 three she77s.4 .(;act7yE4 he con9irmed. .-ost o9 the time I switch cars. Li8e 7ast night * we got driven bac8 to the hote7: b2t then I s7ipped into a di99erent car in the private par8ing dec8 and we drove o2t the p2b7ic e;it.4 .C7everE4 I smi7ed and wrapped a towe7 aro2nd my body. .So: are the photographers going to 9o77ow the cast here today34 .@robab7y. Too many peop7e are coming here:4 he said whi7e r2bbing his towe7 over his hair. . e7ieve me: I tho2ght abo2t cance7ing this >2st to 8eep the e;tra attention away. 2t i9 the cast is coming here: we=77 >2st say that we had a private cast party in yo2r 9aci7ity.4 .1o2 8now yo2 won=t be ab7e to 7eave with them tonight: right3 It wi77 be obvio2s i9 yo2=re not with them when they arrive b2t i9 yo2=re seen 7eaving...4 .I 8now: I tho2ght abo2t thatH after I got here 7ast night. I=m sorry.4 .!othing to be sorry abo2t. ?h: wait. 0oes that mean I have to s7eep with yo2 again tonight34 I gave him a teasing shove and ran 9or the bedroom. .I co27d ma8e yo2 s299erE4 he ye77ed whi7e chasing me. Be ca2ght me by the waist and swept me 2p in his arms. /ith a 9ew <2ic8 movements he had me pinned to the bed. .@romise3 0on=t toy with my emotions: Ryan ChristensenE4 I gigg7ed.

Be 7eaned down and 8issed me passionate7y again. .Jeep this 2p and we=77 never get dressed:4 I m2rm2red on his 7ips. .So2nds 7i8e a p7anE4 he ch2c87ed: his eyes 7oo8ing down at the new b27ge pressing 9rom behind his towe7. .I=m <2ite s2re I co27d toss yo2 aro2nd this room 9or another ho2r or so.4 ./hat time is it34 I as8ed. I co27dn=t see the c7oc8 on the nightstand. Be had to crane his nec8 to see the time. .)7most e7even thirty.4 .Bmm: it is aw9277y ear7y.4 I smi7ed and twined my 9ingers into his wet hair. ./e have several ho2rs to 8i77: act2a77y.4 Be 97ashed his se;y grin at me and then p7aced his 7ips bac8 on mine. Ryan wasn=t 8idding when he said he co27d toss me aro2nd the bed 9or another ho2r. ?2r 7ovema8ing this time had become even more advent2ro2s as we 7earned each other=s bodies. .Bo7y shit:4 he gasped: crashing into a heap ne;t to me on the bed. I was sti77 trying to catch my breath. .I needH another showerH a9ter thatE4 Be breathed o2t a 72ng*9277 o9 air. .-e too.4 I wiped some sweat o99 o9 my 9orehead. -y body was ting7ing a77 over 9rom the incredib7e ecstasy he >2st 2n7eashed on me * again. .@2t yo2r hand on my chest:4 he re<2ested. I had tro2b7e with this simp7e re<2est. -y hand s7apped down on his s8in. .?wE4 he ye7ped. .Sorry: can=t 9ee7 my arms >2st yetE4 .5ee7 that3 1o2 did that:4 he panted. ./hat did I do34 I m2ttered. -y heart was po2nding >2st as 9ast as his was. Be ro77ed over on his side and p277ed me c7oser. Bis eyes 7oc8ed on mine. .1o2 made my heart beat again:4 he said with a g7orio2s smi7e. Bis 7ips so9t7y 8issed my 7ips and I co27d 9ee7 a77 the passion that he meant to convey with each to2ch. I gaDed into his eyes and 7ight7y br2shed my 9ingertips across his 9ace. Three 7itt7e words 97ashed thro2gh my mind as I 7oo8ed at him: b2t there was no way I=d say them o2t 7o2d. Ryan gathered my hand in his and 9o7ded my hand to his 7ips. I wondered i9 he had

three 7itt7e words in his mind too and i9 one day I might hear him say them o2t 7o2d. )t this moment it didn=t matterC the way he 7oo8ed at me was good eno2gh. I pressed his hand above my breast. .1o2 did the same 9or me.4 Be 8issed my 9ingertips and smi7ed. .Come onH 7et=s go get 9reshened 2pH again.4 Be too8 me by the hand and p277ed me 2p o99 the bed. ./hen do yo2 have to be bac8 on set34 I as8ed. I t2rned the t2b water on and tested the temperat2re with my hand. .I have to be in ma8e2p by seven. I have a 9o2rteen ho2r day sched27ed:4 he m2ttered: p7acing o2r towe7s on the co2nter. I wondered i9 I wo27d drive him to o2r secret trans9er p7ace or i9 a driver wo27d pic8 him 2p here in the morning. I=d save that <2estion 9or 7ater 9or I didn=t want to thin8 at a77 abo2t him 7eaving. /e c7imbed into the shower to wash again when Ryan=s e;pression t2rned serio2s. .Taryn: I want to be honest with yo2. There are some things yo2 need to 8now be9ore everyone shows 2p tonight.4 -y heart th2mped in my chest: g2essing that his honest7y wo27d revea7 bad news. Bis timing was per9ect tho2gh 6 where co27d I go at this very moment3 I was na8ed and standing in a stream o9 water. I 7oo8ed 2p into his eyesC i9 he=s going to te77 me something horrib7e then he=d have to 9ace me head on. .I >2st want yo2 to 8now that there=s nothing going on between me and S2Danne: even tho2gh I spend a 7ot o9 time in situations with her where it seems 7i8e something co27d be going on.4 .I don=t 8now what yo2 mean:4 I said as the water pe7ted me in the head. .She=s the 7ead in o2r movie: and I 8now yo2 haven=t seen it: b2t there are a 7ot o9 scenes where I have to 8iss her * b2t it=s >2st 9or the 9i7m. /e have to be c7ose: b2t I want yo2 to 8now that I don=t have those 8inds o9 9ee7ings 9or her.4 Be stared at me intense7y: monitoring my reaction. I 7oo8ed at him: con92sed. ./hat are yo2 trying to say34 .I thin8 o9 her 7i8e a sister * a sometimes annoying sister. I=m concerned she might

say something tonight that=s o2t o9 7ine. )nd I >2st wanted yo2 to 8now * 9rom me * that there=s nothing there.4 .?8ay. So i9 she says something to me I sho27d >2st ignore her34 .I2st ta8e it with a grain o9 sa7t. She might be coo7: b2t I=m thin8ing she=s going to say something st2pid. I9 she says anything to yo2: >2st te77 me: o8ay34 he said as he rinsed his 9ace 2nder the water. .?8ay: I wi77. )re yo2 9inished or do yo2 need more time in here34 I was ready to t2rn the water o99. I 7oo8ed at him e;pecting an answer to my <2estion b2t instead 9ear str2c8 me in the chestC his 9ace was sti77 tro2b7ed. .There=s something e7se yo2 need to 8now:4 he contin2ed. I 9e7t the b7ood r2sh 9rom my heart as he too8 a ho7d o9 my hands. .5rancesca and IH4 Be 7oo8ed down with g2i7t. The 9ear 9rom not 8nowing what his con9ession wo27d be 8noc8ed me 9or a 7oop. Be 7oo8ed me direct7y in the eyes when he spo8e again. .It on7y happened once: and it was over a year ago.4 I reached behind my bac8 and t2rned the water o99. I had to get a bearing on the admission he >2st made to me. I p2shed the c2rtain open and was >2st abo2t to step o2t o9 the t2b when he gent7y grabbed my arm. .Taryn: 7oo8 at me. I swear it was on7y onceH and a9ter it happened I rea7iDed it was a big mista8e. I want yo2 to 8now that I don=t have any 9ee7ings 9or her.4 Bis e;pression was sincere. .0oes she have 9ee7ings 9or yo234 I as8ed. 0isappointment coated my whisper. .I don=t 8now. Sometimes she says thingsH I 8now I sho27d have never crossed that 7ine with her.4 Bis hand 7i9ted my chin so I=d 7oo8 him in the eyes. .It doesn=t matter. I don=t care i9 she has 9ee7ings 9or me or not beca2se I don=t 9ee7 the same way. I never did. I never wi77.4 I stepped o2t o9 the shower and wrapped a towe7 tight7y aro2nd my body. I hoped the constriction o9 the towe7 co27d somehow 8eep my heart 9rom crac8ing. Ryan <2ic87y wrapped a towe7 aro2nd his waist then grabbed my wrist: 9orcing me to 7oo8 at him again. .I=m sorry. I didn=t mean to 2pset yo2 7i8e this: b2t I wanted yo2 to 8now 6 direct7y 9rom me 6 what the tr2th is. I=m te77ing yo2 a77 o9 this beca2se I don=t want any secrets

between 2s. She=s coming here tonight too and I don=t want o2r re7ationship to get...4 Be 7oo8ed away to choose his words be9ore 7oo8ing bac8 into my eyes. .Taryn: I=mH4 he pa2sed to breathe o2t a deep sigh. .I on7y want yo2 * >2st yo2. 2t I can=t change the mista8es that I=ve made.4 I had to ma8e an instant decision. I co27d 7et the >ea7o2sy cons2me me and be angry or I co27d than8 my 72c8y stars that the man standing in 9ront o9 me cared eno2gh abo2t me to te77 me the tr2th. I s7ow7y reached my hand 2p to p7ace it on his chee8. The water 9rom his hair was dripping down his 9ace. -y heart s8ipped a beat 9rom >2st to2ching him and I rea7iDed that my 9ee7ings 9or him were way too power927 to 7et his past change that. 5or the 9irst time in my 7i9e the man who was ho7ding my heart in his hand was honest with me. It too8 a 7ot o9 co2rage 9or him to te77 me what he was 9ee7ing. .Than8 yo2 9or being honest and 9or te77ing me.4 I so9t7y smi7ed. Re7ie9 co2rsed into my heart when he too8 my hand in his and pressed my pa7m to his 7ips. .)re yo2 mad at me34 he as8ed care9277y. .!o: I=m not mad. I=m not happy with the news: b2t we both have pasts. It=s part o9 who we are. /e=ve both made mista8es.4 Be too8 my 9ace in his hands: staring into my eyesC his th2mbs gent7y stro8ed my chee8s be9ore he 7eaned in to so9t7y 8iss my 7ips. I wrapped my hands aro2nd his ribs as he 8issed me passionate7y. There were no cameras: no directors: no witnesses * >2st Ryan and I and o2r raw: 2nscripted emotions. ./e better get ready. /e=re going to have g2ests soon:4 I reminded him. I started to comb my wet hair whi7e doing everything possib7e to banish the visions o9 him and 5rancesca together. )s 7ong as he was an actor: women wo27d be coming at him 9rom a77 ang7es and directions. 2t he was with me now: by his choice: and the 9ee7ings that he shared were rea7 and as obvio2s as b7ac8 and white: with no shades o9 gray. Ryan s7ipped a new b7ac8 T*shirt over his headC his >eans were hanging on his hips and the e7astic waistband o9 his brie9s was showing as he str2ng his 7eather be7t thro2gh the 7oops. I smi7ed: thin8ing that it too8 me three showers to get to this point o9 the day. -y hair

and ma8e2p were 9ina77y done. -h my (od he is hot! I really !ust want to lay na"ed in bed with him all day% ./hat34 he as8ed so9t7y: noting my stare. -y eyes were sti77 tracing the 9aint view o9 his e;posed s8in on his stomach. .Te77 me what yo2=re thin8ingE4 he 2rged. I tho2ght abo2t it 9or a moment: then decided to be b7atant7y honest. .I was >2st thin8ing abo2t tearing yo2r c7othes o99 and craw7ing bac8 2nder the covers.4 Be charged over to where I stood and wrapped his arms aro2nd me: 7i9ting me o99 the 97oor. Bis aggressive approach made me 7a2gh. .I co27d rip yo2r c7othes o99 too: b2t act2a77y yo2 are 7oo8ing so incredib7y se;y dressed.4 Bis eyes g7anced down at my body. I was in my 9avorite Tr2e Re7igion Ieans 6 the ones that had c2te 7eather 7acing 2p the 9ront: with a b7ac8 Tee and my b7ac8 hee7ed boots. .I co27d go bac8 to s7eep tho2gh. 1o2 wore me o2tE4 he snic8ered. ./e=77 >2st have to 8ic8 everyone o2t ear7y.4 I s7ipped my 9ingers into his hair and 8issed him: appreciating that 9or this moment in time: he was mineH a77 mine. It was a7most three thirty in the a9ternoon when @ete ca77ed to 7et me 8now that he and Tammy were o2t in the a77ey: getting ready to 2n7oad the 9ood. .Bere Taryn: ta8e this bo;:4 @ete instr2cted. The bac8 o9 Tammy=s van was 7oaded. .Something sme77s 9antasticE4 Ryan said: ta8ing the bo; 9rom my hands. ./here do yo2 want me to p2t this34 .I2st p2t everything on the co2nters 9or now. /e need to set 2p tab7es:4 I rep7ied. I co27dn=t he7p b2t smir8 at Ryan. Be was smi7ing at me too. Ryan he7ped @ete set 2p a tab7e 9or the 9ood and then assisted in trans9erring a77 the 9ood 9rom the 8itchen to the bar. It was apparent by the vo72me and variety o9 de7ectab7es that we were going to eat 7i8e 8ings and <2eens today. -arie and Aary arrived soon a9ter we started setting 2p. I had as8ed them to arrive ear7y: 9or I wanted to ma8e s2re that my 9riends were sa9e7y inside be9ore the cast arrived. -y 9riends didn=t need to be photographed today.

Tammy had set o2t 7inens to cover the b299et tab7es and I was in the process o9 opening one o9 them 2p when Ryan wa78ed past me. Be pinched me <2ic87y on the b2tt chee8 when he tho2ght no one was 7oo8ing. .SoH how=s it going34 -arie grinned and raised her eyebrows. She noticed the way Ryan and I were beaming. I g7anced aro2nd to ma8e s2re we were a7one be9ore ho7ding my hand 2p and spreading my 9ive 9ingers o2t to her. .5ive34 she whispered in amaDement. I smi7ed a devi7ish grin and nodded my head. .0id yo2 ta8e my advice and 9eed him we77 to 8eep his energy 7eve7 2p34 .?h: he ate very we77 this morning 6 severa7 times. /ait: did yo2 mean 9eed him 9ood34 I teased. .So what are yo2 two 7adies whispering abo2t over here34 Ryan as8ed a9ter he set another bo; on the tab7e. -arie and I 7oo8ed at each other and >2st smi7edC it was apparent on o2r 9aces that we were ta78ing abo2t * things. Ryan wrapped his arms aro2nd my waist. .I g2ess o2r secret is o2t now34 he ch2c87ed. ./hat secret34 -arie=s voice boomed. .It=s so obvio2s the way yo2 two are g7owing aro2nd each other. The on7y thing missing are the words GI had incredib7e se;= written on yo2r 9oreheadsE4 She motioned the words with her hand. Ryan and I 7a2ghed as he s<2eeDed me tighter. .It was beyond incredib7e:4 he whispered in my ear and 8issed me on the nec8. @ete wa78ed into the bar with another bo; o9 9ood: noting Ryan=s ho7d on me. ) not* so*nice word s7ipped 9rom his 7ips. Aary was right behind him: and when he saw 2s he started 7a2ghing. .Loo8s 7i8e yo2 owe me some money:4 Aary m2ttered. .0oesn=t mean anything:4 @ete snapped. Be 7oo8ed over at -arieC she twitched her 7ips and nodded her head to con9irm his s2spicions. .Son*o9*aH two more daysH yo2 co27dn=t ho7d o99 9or two more days34 @ete b2sted on 2s.

I g7ared over at -arie. .0on=t 7oo8 at meE 1o2 8now how competitive those two are. It wasn=t my ideaE4 Ryan re7eased me and t2rned to @ete. .1o2 bastards betting on 2s34 he as8ed >o8ing7y. .1epE4 @ete rep7ied. .)nd yo2 cost me twenty b2c8s: yo2 pric8E4 Ryan s7ipped his hand into his 9ront poc8et and pee7ed a twenty*do77ar bi77 o99 o9 a sma77 stac8 o9 cash. .Bere yo2 go: Aary. @ete=s 7oss was my gain.4 Be 7a2ghed. .It was worth every pennyE4 Aary didn=t hesitate. Be snatched the bi77 o2t o9 Ryan=s hand and st299ed it into his poc8et. -arie teasing7y n2dged me. .1o2 8now Ryan: Aary is a Aiants 9an:4 @ete baited him. .?h rea77y34 Ryan as8ed: 7oo8ing over at Aary. .UghE 0on=t te77 me yo2=re a 9rea8ing Stee7ers 9an too:4 Aary groaned. .!o wonder yo2 and Taryn get a7ong so we77.4 ./hat do yo2 say to another bet34 Ryan=s eyes narrowed on Aary. .I got another twenty in my poc8et that says the Aiants are going to get their asses handed to them tonight.4 /hi7e the three o9 them disc2ssed the terms o9 the wager: Tammy: -arie: and I 9inished setting 2p the b299et tab7e. .Be 9its in per9ect7yE4 -arie whispered in my ear. .Loo8 at themE They=re 7i8e 7ong* 7ost co77ege b2ddiesE4 .I 8nowE4 I whispered bac8. The sight o9 the three o9 them getting a7ong so we77 was heart*warming. .Ryan 9rea8in= ChristensenE4 -arie gigg7ed as she gave me a sho27der h2g. .So: te77 me: is he pac8ing or what34 ./hat do yo2 thin834 I m2rm2red. She breathed o2t a ro2gh sigh. .Bey: no 9antasiDing abo2t him:4 I warned. .1o2 have yo2r own. That one=s mine. )nd try not to as8 too many <2estions abo2t their st2pid movie: a77 right3 They=re >2st reg27ar peop7e.4 Tammy set 2p an e7aborate tiered cheese and veggie trayC she had hot and co7d hors

dLoe2vres: hot entrees to comp7ement the stea8s: shrimp and 7obster bites: and severa7 di99erent 7itt7e desserts and choco7ate dipped what*nots. I started to 2ncor8 a bott7e o9 mer7ot whi7e the g2ys disc2ssed 9ootba77 trades and names o9 p7ayers. I never 2nderstood how men co27d remember a77 those detai7s abo2t sports b2t: yet: were incapab7e o9 remembering where they set their car 8eys or wa77et. I2st 7i8e the other day when Ryan as8ed me where his messenger bag was. 0id he rea77y not remember where it was: or is there some primitive part o9 a man=s brain that starts to sh2t down whenever a woman comes into their 7ives3 Ryan was obvio2s7y h2ngryC he was popping 9ood in his mo2th between words. Be had >2st shoved a big piece o9 cheese in his mo2th when his ce77 phone rang. )9ter a brie9 conversation: he met me at the bar. .Ca7 and his wi9e are on their way. They=re driving themse7ves. The rest o9 the gro2p is coming separate7yC they were >2st pic8ed 2p at the hote7. Ca7 to7d me that they are being 9o77owed by the paparaDDi.4 Ryan=s words so2nded a7most angry. .I have to go start the gri77C do yo2 want to come 2p with me34 I as8ed: hoping he wo27d 9o77ow. Be >2st nodded at me. ?n o2r way thro2gh my apartment: we grabbed o2r coats. I pres2med it wo27d be co7d o2tside. Be p7ay9277y goosed my rear end a77 the way 2p the steps to the roo9. I was getting the hint that he 7i8ed my b2tt. I opened the roo9top door and t2rned to 7oo8 at his reaction. Bis eyes instant7y widened as he stepped o2tside. .?h my Aod: TarynE This is incredib7eE4 I had a good portion o9 the roo9 trans9ormed into a nice patio. There was a h2ge: raised composite dec8 with an o2tdoor stone bar with a granite top. I had designed a corner* raised 9irep7ace at one end o9 the patioC the other end c7osest to the door contained the enormo2s stac8ed stone co2nter and stain7ess stee7 gri77. The entire patio area was covered by a wooden pergo7a roo9C I had tried to train vines to grow 2p the pi77ars: b2t the ?ctober winds had dried 2p most o9 the 7eaves. Underneath the open 7attice roo9: I had attached tiny white 7ights to ma8e the patio g7ow in the evening. Centered on the patio was a 7arge tea8 tab7e that seated twe7ve and direct7y above that: a

wro2ght iron and g7ass cand7e chande7ier. I t2rned the 7ights on 9or Ryan so he co27d see it spar87e in the setting s2n. .This isH bea2ti927E4 he proc7aimed: appearing <2ite mesmeriDed by it a77. I smi7ed at himC I was g7ad that he tho2ght so too. .1o2 can rea77y see the ocean 9rom here:4 he sighed 7o2d7y. I t2rned the gas on 2nderneath the gri77 and 7it the pi7ot. The b2rners popped to 7i9e with 9ire. .It=s not as co7d as I tho2ght it wo27d be tonight:4 I mentioned. .0o yo2 thin8 peop7e might 7i8e to sit 2p here too3 I co27d start a 9ire.4 .1eah. I 8now I wo27dn=t mind hanging o2t 2p here 9or a 7itt7e.4 I p277ed some wood o2t o9 the storage bin and stac8ed it in the 9irep7ace. Ryan was standing at the edge o9 the dec8 with his 9ingers in his 9ront poc8ets: 7oo8ing o2t at the ocean and the setting s2n. Bis 9ace was beaming. .I thin8 this is my new 9avorite p7ace in the wor7d:4 he dec7ared. .I tho2ght yo2r stairwe77 was the gateway to peace. This is the peaceE4 I stood ne;t to him: en>oying the view o9 the co7ors over the ocean. I had seen the setting s2n over the water a tho2sand times: b2t with Ryan standing ne;t to me: it was 7i8e I was seeing it 9or the 9irst time. Ryan s7ipped his hand o2t o9 his poc8et and too8 my hand in his. Be 7i9ted my hand to his 7ips: p7acing a so9t 8iss on my s8in. Be 7eaned over to give me a 8iss. (ither he was a bri77iant actor: or he was 9a77ing 9or me too. I hoped it was the 7atter. I gigg7ed 7ight7y when he p277ed my hand behind his bac8: ca2sing me to get o99 ba7ance and 9a77 into him. Be smi7ed at me and pressed his 7ips to mine. Ryan <2ic87y 7et go o9 my hand and p7aced both o9 his hands on my nec8 6 raising my 9ace to his. Bis 8iss was so passionate: I was tota77y 7ost in the 9ee7ingC so 7ost that I didn=t hear the roo9 door open. I did: however: hear someone when they c7eared their throat. @ete had escorted Ca7 and his wi9e to the roo9. S2Danne and 5rancesca were direct7y behind them. The second we rea7iDed we weren=t a7one: Ryan immediate7y 7et me go. .-y: aren=t yo2 two coDy a7ready:4 S2Danne said in her ritish accent. Ryan 9ired a dirty 7oo8 in her direction. Be ignored her and g2ided me over to Ca7 and his wi9e.

.Bey Ca7E4 Ryan shoo8 his hand. .Taryn: I=d 7i8e to introd2ce yo2 to Ca7=s wi9e: Je77y. Je77y: this is Taryn * Taryn -itche77. She is the owner o9 this bea2ti927 estab7ishment.4 I he7d o2t my hand to Je77y. I remembered seeing her many times on te7evision: b2t she was even 7ove7ier in person. She had straight b7ond hair: high chee8bones: and the type o9 smi7e that was in9ectio2s. I reca77ed she was on7y a year or two o7der than I was. /e were abo2t the same in height and c7ose to the same siDe too. .Bi Je77y: it=s very nice to meet yo2E4 .It=s nice to meet yo2 too: TarynE4 She gave me a nice h2g. .?h wowE Ca7: 7oo8 at this viewE4 The so2nd o9 her voice was very 9ami7iar to me. I spent many years watching her show 9aith9277y. .Ryan and I were >2st appreciating the same thing be9ore yo2 arrived:4 I said to her. I 9e7t Ryan=s hand in the sma77 o9 my bac8. .This is magni9icent: Taryn:4 Ca7 agreed. I saw him 7oo8 at Ryan and smi7e. Je77y wa78ed to the 9irep7aceC I co27d see that she wanted a c7oser 7oo8. .Ca7: this is what we sho27d p2t in the corner o9 o2r patio. I want thisE4 .It=s <2ite easy to b2i7d:4 I e;p7ained. .I 2nderstand yo2 have a yo2ng da2ghter3 Something 7i8e this with the height wo27d be sa9er 9or her. 1o2 can easi7y p7ace a 9ire screen across the 9ront.4 Je77y and I contin2ed o2r disc2ssion abo2t the gri77 and bar area. She was very intrig2ed abo2t the design. .I act2a77y s8etched the design. I saw it in my head: the way I wanted it to be 7aid o2t: and then I had a 7oca7 contractor b2i7d it a77 9or me.4 .It=s bea2ti927E /e=77 have to bring yo2 to Ca7i9ornia and design one 9or 2s. /e >2st b2i7t a new home in -a7ib2.4 It was very easy to ta78 to Je77y. She was very open and p7easant: and was the type o9 person I co27d see myse79 being good 9riends with. ?2t o9 the corner o9 my eye: I noticed S2Danne and 5rancesca s7ow7y wa78ing towards 2s. I didn=t want to be r2de to the rest o9 o2r g2ests so I smi7ed in their genera7 direction. Ryan and Ca7 were having a conversation abo2t something that happened with one o9 the cameras on the set the other day: and I noticed that Ryan bare7y ac8now7edged the other gir7s= presence.

I 7oo8ed at the two actresses and gave them my best we7come smi7e. .BiE4 I he7d o2t my hand to S2Danne. .I=m Taryn. /e7come to my home.4 She bare7y too8 my 9ingers in hers and <2ic87y shoo8 my hand. .I=m S2Danne:4 she m2mb7ed. I got the distinct impression that I was s2pposed to ac8now7edge that she was 9amo2s and I was e;pected to a7ready 8now who she was. .It=s nice to meet yo2. )nd yo2 m2st be 5rancesca:4 I stated warm7y: ho7ding my hand o2t to her. .1es:4 she said <2ic87y: bare7y 7oo8ing at me. (ven tho2gh she on7y said one word I co27d sti77 detect the 5rench accent to her voice. She was as 2np7easant to me as I had e;pected. .I didn=t have an opport2nity to meet yo2 both when yo2 were in my p2b: b2t I=m g7ad that yo2 came today.4 There was no way I was going to be impo7ite: despite the 7ess than warm reception I was getting in ret2rn. I g7anced over to Ryan: who gave me a smi7e and a nod. Be was ac8now7edging my attempts at being cordia7. .Ladies: can I o99er yo2 a drin83 /e have a 7arge variety o9 wines downstairs: or any other beverage yo2 might pre9er.4 I was hoping they might 9o77ow me down to the bar. I did not want to be carrying drin8s 2p and down the stairs a77 night. -2ch to my dismay: S2Danne wrapped her coat across her chest and p7opped her ass down in one o9 the chairs. .I=77 have a g7ass o9 white wine.4 5rancesca sat down ne;t to her. -y wishes 9or them to ret2rn to the bar were in vain. /hi7e I was r2nning downstairs I was going to ma8e it worth the trip. .5rancesca: can I get yo2 something to drin834 I as8ed nice7y. e9ore she responded: the roo9top door opened again and severa7 new peop7e >oined 2s. I recogniDed Shane Richards right awayC he had come into the p2b once be9ore with Ryan and Ca7. !e;t to him was a petite: twenty*something 7oo8ing woman with short b7ond hair and another man who was 7an8y with too m2ch ge7 in his brown hair. Ryan came to my side and he was smi7ing at o2r new g2ests. .Bey everyoneE4 the yo2ng woman said. .Bey RyanE4 She came right over to 2s.

I didn=t 8now who she was: b2t it didn=t matter. She was a77 ag7ow and 7oo8ing 7i8e she wanted to have a good time: not 7i8e the other two who were g7aring at me 9rom their perches. .Taryn: this is Jath7een Iarrett. She p7ays my wic8ed 7itt7e assistant in o2r 9i7m.4 Be smi7ed and gave her a teasing arm h2g aro2nd her nec8. .Jat: this is Taryn.4 .Bey TarynE4 Jath7een greeted me. I he7d my hand o2t to her b2t instead she gave me a h2g. .It=s nice to 9ina77y meet yo2E4 .It=s nice to meet yo2 tooE4 I said whi7e h2gging her bac8. I was c2rio2s as to what she meant by G9ina77yC= I 7oo8ed over at Ryan: s7ight7y con92sed. Be was >2st smi7ing. .Ryan has to7d me a 7ot abo2t yo2:4 she whispered in my ear. .I=m >2st so g7ad to see him happy.4 .Taryn: this is enH en Barrison.4 Jath7een motioned to the man ne;t to her. .Bi en. It=s nice to meet yo2.4 I he7d o2t my hand: b2t the way Jath7een was bobbing aro2nd: I wondered i9 she wo27d p277 2s a77 in 9or a gro2p h2g. I was re7ieved when en shoo8 my hand instead. Ryan 7eaned over and whispered in my ear. .I=m a77owed to te77 yo2 that they are together: even tho2gh their characters are morta7 enemies. I to7d Jat that yo2=re very tr2stworthy.4 Bis eyes 97ashed to 7oo8 at Jat: b2t she was >2st smi7ing and bo2ncing with happiness. .They=ve been seeing each other 9or a whi7e: b2t it=s not p2b7ic 8now7edge. They=d pre9er i9 the p2b7ic stays o2t o9 their private 7i9e.4 .I comp7ete7y 2nderstand:4 I rep7ied. )pparent7y Ryan had been sharing his private 7i9e detai7s with her. It didn=t matterC she 7oo8ed 7i8e she was tr2stworthy too. .Ryan: do yo2 thin8 we can get everyone bac8 down into the p2b 9or a min2te3 That way I can get everyone drin8s and we can start eating soon.4 I was a7so thin8ing abo2t my 9riends: who were noticeab7y absent 9rom the roo9top gathering. Ryan made an anno2ncement and 2shered everyone towards the door. I was re7ieved that he too8 charge. I didn=t want to o99end anyone: especia77y the two that were sti77 g7aring at me. The more they g7ared: the 7ess I wanted to wait on them hand and 9oot. Je77y and Jat stopped as we proceeded thro2gh my apartment.

./hat do yo2 g2ys thin834 Ryan as8ed them: 7oo8ing aro2nd at my apartment. .This is a rea77y coo7 apartment:4 Jat said e;cited7y. .It=s h2geE4 Ryan too8 them 9or a <2ic8 to2r and stopped in my 8itchen. I was s2rprised that it made s2ch an impression on him. .Taryn designed it:4 he stated pro2d7y. I was g7ad that the rest o9 the gro2p went downstairs. I co27d on7y imagine S2Danne ro77ing her eyes at Ryan=s comments. .I 7ove the stove:4 Ryan added. .There are eno2gh b2rners on this thing to ma8e a mea7 9or 9orty peop7e.4 .-aybe one day I=77 8now 9orty peop7e to coo8 9or:4 I >o8ed. .Spea8ing o9 coo8ingH why don=t we a77 go downstairs 9or a drin8: and then I can get the stea8s on the gri77.4 S2Danne and 5rancesca were sitting at the big: ro2nd tab7e. I noticed that they were wearing a7most the same 7oo8 in c7othing. oth had designer T*shirts on and their snea8ers were the same: b2t in di99erent co7ors. I wondered who was copying whom. )s I 7oo8ed aro2nd at the cast: I co27d easi7y see whom Ryan got a7ong with and who presented a cha77enge. I wondered: besides the obvio2s 7oo8 o9 her: what attracted Ryan to 5rancesca. She 7oo8ed 7i8e a mode7: b2t she seemed to have the persona7ity o9 a roc8. I didn=t get the appea7C 2n7ess at the time o9 his moment o9 wea8ness he was dr2n8 or >2st so hard 2p that he wasn=t 7oo8ing 9or a ho7e with a persona7ity. S2Danne 7oo8ed bored. 5rancesca on the other hand was sitting there ta8ing menta7 notes. I co27d sense her whee7s were t2rning. /hen S2Danne got 2p to 2se the restroom: 5rancesca trai7ed behind her. I set o2t two bott7es o9 opened wine on the end o9 the b299et tab7e when I heard the two gir7s coming o2t o9 the bathroom. .0idn=t ta8e him 7ong to get some in this town:4 S2Danne said co7d7y. .A2ess this one is the new 97avor o9 the month.4 Ber eyes 7oo8ed me 2p and down when she noticed me standing there. I didn=t move. I >2st stood there with my arms crossed. The batt7e 7ines were being drawn right be9ore my eyes and the evening was sti77 yo2ng. .0on=t 7et them get to yo2:4 Je77y said as she made a sma77 p7atter o9 9inger 9oods

behind me. .They=re threatened by yo2:4 she mentioned cas2a77y. .I don=t 2nderstand:4 I whispered to her. .I don=t even 8now them.4 .1o2=re ta8ing Ryan o99 the e7igib7e bache7ors= 7ist and they=re >ea7o2s. Those two have had iss2es with every gir7 he spea8s to. Ryan is a nice g2yC he ta78s to everybody.4 Je77y too8 a moment to eat a sea9ood p299. .It=s weirdC they act 7i8e they have some 8ind o9 ownership over him. I=77 be g7ad once this third movie is doneC then we=77 be rid o9 them.4 She smi7ed at me: 7i8e we were in on some secret >o8e together. .I didn=t 8now what I had done to o99end them:4 I 2ttered. .1o2 capt2red Ryan=s attention. That was eno2gh.4 Je77y gigg7ed. )9ter she samp7ed another bite o9 9ood: her 9acia7 e;pression t2rned serio2s. .So: how did yo2 and Ryan meet34 I wasn=t prepared to answer that <2estion to anyone. I didn=t 8now what to say. .I wo27d pre9er i9 yo2 as8ed Ryan that <2estion:4 I po7ite7y re<2ested. .Fery good:4 she rep7ied. .1o2=re a <2ic8 7earnerE4 Je77y 9ired another <2estion at me. .)re yo2 dating him34 .!o. I=m not dating anyone:4 I responded. -y answer wasn=t a7together a 7ie. In rea7ity: he had yet to ta8e me on a date. ?2r re7ationship was anything b2t conventiona7. .I 7i8e yo2E Be made a good choice.4 Je77y p2t her hand on my sho27der. . eing invo7ved with a ce7ebrity has its own set o9 cha77enges. Be needs to 8now that yo2 can stand on yo2r own whi7e standing by his side. 1o2 need to be strong and not 7et the gossip and trivia7 actress egos get to yo2.4 .Is this a77 a test34 I as8ed her point b7an8: my eyes 7oo8ing aro2nd the room. I po2red myse79 a g7ass o9 wine to ca7m my nerves. .!o: this is a party.4 She 7a2ghed at my worried 7oo8. . 2t it is a good start. 1o2 co27d consider this to be more 7i8e dipping yo2r toes in the water.4 /e moved 92rther away 9rom the b299et tab7e to contin2e o2r disc2ssion in private. .I=ve 8nown Ryan 9or a7most two years now.4 Je77y smi7ed to herse79: 7i8e something she tho2ght o9 am2sed her. .Let=s >2st say he=s very ta8en with yo2. I=ve never seen him 7i8e this with anyone.4 I too8 a sip o9 wine and moved c7oser to her. I wanted to 8now what she 8new. .Taryn: he=s very worried abo2t yo2 and how yo2=77 cope with being in our world.

Ryan is very sensitive. Be=s having a hard time coping himse79. Be=s not com9ortab7e with a77 the attention one garners as a ce7ebrity.4 She pa2sed to 7et 5rancesca pass 2s. .1o2 can=t be the star o9 a ma>or motion pict2re and not be in the spot7ight: and this movie has s2re7y thrown him into the spot7ightE Be=s 7earning how to hand7e being 9amo2s. I9 yo2 want to be in a re7ationship with him: yo2=re going to have to 7earn with him.4 She nodded her chin in his direction. .That right there is who he rea77y is. 2t o2tside that door:4 her eyes 97ashed to my 9ront door: .photographers are waiting on yo2r sidewa78.4 .I 8now. I wish they wo27d 7eave a77 o9 yo2 a7one: especia77y him.4 Ryan and I were 7oo8ing at each other 9rom across the room. I wanted to r2n to him and wrap my arms aro2nd him in a protective embrace. .I to7d him I wo27d he7p.4 She smi7ed: noticing his g7ance. .I want to see him happy: and yo2 seem to ma8e him very happy.4 She patted me on the bac8. Ryan made his way over to meC he was smi7ing that se;y grin the who7e way. .Bey:4 he whispered o2t. .Bow are yo2 7adies doing34 .?h: yo2 8now. /e=re >2st standing here ta78ing abo2t yo2.4 Je77y 7a2ghed 7ight7y. She was 9ear7ess. .I sort o9 9ig2redE4 Ryan retorted: r2nning his 9ree hand over my 2pper arm. I 7oo8ed at him: am2sed. I had been so paranoid: avoiding saying things abo2t him to my 9riends: b2t here he=d been ta78ing abo2t me to his 9riends a77 a7ong. I s2rmised that he had shared his tho2ghts abo2t me with a 9ew peop7e in this room. .1o2 have anything good to say34 he as8ed me. I >2st smi7ed and shoo8 my head to indicate my answer. .I=m sorry. I don=t thin8 we=ve ever met. /ho are yo234 -y words made Je77y 7a2gh o2t 7o2d. Ryan: on the other hand: p277ed me in 9or a teasing head7oc8. .I thin8 I=77 have to re9resh yo2r memory 7ater:4 he grow7ed in my ear. .@romise34 I 7a2ghed. .Cross my heartE4 Be grinned. I heard his stomach groan whi7e he was wrest7ing with me. .I thin8 I need to get those stea8s on the gri77:4 I said between 7a2ghing. .1es. I=m starving:4 Ryan agreed.

.Je77y: wo27d yo2 e;c2se me p7ease. I 7oo8 9orward to ta78ing more with yo2: b2tH4 I patted Ryan=s stomach. .Right now I need to prepare yo2r mea7.4 Ryan 9o77owed me to my 8itchen and: as promised: he he7ped me carry a77 the stea8s 2p to the patio. I opened one o9 the stain7ess stee7 drawers by the gri77 and retrieved my 2tensi7s and my 7arge cast iron 8ett7e. .See the hoo8 over there in the 9irep7ace3 /o27d yo2 hang this 8ett7e there 9or me: p7ease34 .S2re: b2t yo2 have to 8iss me 9irst.4 Be smi7ed as he 7eaned over. Bis 8iss was brie9 b2t pers2asive. /hen he stepped bac8 to me: he wrapped his arms aro2nd my waist. ./hat=s the timer 9or34 he whispered on my nec8. It was going to be di99ic27t to gri77 9i9teen stea8s with his body pressed into my bac8 7i8e that. Be swept my hair to one side: sed2ctive7y 8issing the nape o9 my nec8. .Ari77ing is a precision art:4 I gigg7ed. Ryan=s warm 7ips had 9o2nd my ear7obe. .1o2 8now yo2=re driving me insane:4 I whispered. .!o: I be7ieve you are driving me insane:4 he 2ttered sed2ctive7y. .)re yo2 here to 7earn or to distract me34 I gr2mb7ed. .Sorry: sorry. Bere to he7p.4 Bis hands 7et go o9 my hips. I t2rned <2ic87y to 9ace him and wrapped my arms aro2nd his nec8: 8issing him passionate7y. Be responded immediate7y: ho7ding me tight7y. )pparent7y he was h2ngrier 9or me more than the stea8. I had >2st s7ipped my hands into his bac8 poc8ets when I heard the roo9top door s7am and a 9ema7e voice groan o2t 7o2d. Ryan re7eased me and I t2rned to see S2Danne and 5rancesca wa78ing o2r way. .Areat:4 I m2rm2red: 7o2d eno2gh 9or on7y Ryan to hear. .)re yo2 rehearsing again: Ryan34 S2Danne chided as she s72mped bac8 down in one o9 the chairs at the tab7e. .I don=t thin8 so:4 he answered co7d7y. . 2t i9 yo2 have a prob7em with it: yo2 can go bac8 downstairs.4 .?h: don=t be so de9ensive. I >2st came 2p here to te77 yo2 that Ca7 is 7oo8ing 9or yo2:4 S2Danne h299ed whi7e 7oo8ing at her 9ingernai7s.

.Ca7 can wait. I9 he needs me: he 8nows e0a tly where to 9ind me.4 ) smi7e bro8e on my 7ips. /hen the timer b2DDed: I 7i9ted the gri77 cover to 97ip the stea8s. .The tric8 is to gri77 the meat 9or three min2tes on each side: then yo2 7et it rest 9or three min2tes: and then yo2 repeat the process.4 I 7oo8ed 2p into his eyes. ./o27d yo2 p7ease bring the cast iron pot over 9rom the 9ire3 It sho27d be hot now. Bere: ta8e this heavy g7ove so yo2 don=t b2rn yo2rse79.4 .S2reE !o prob7emE4 he said cheer9277y whi7e s7iding his hand across my rear. I=m s2re the so2rp2ss twins saw that gest2reC I heard one o9 them sco99. I p7aced the 9irst ro2nd o9 stea8s in the hot iron pot and covered them with the 7id. I had >2st set the second 7ayer o9 stea8s on the gri77 when -arie came thro2gh the door. .Ryan: the g2ys are p7aying darts and they want yo2 to even o2t the teams:4 -arie stated. Ber 9ace was twisted in con92sion as she 7oo8ed at the two sitting at the tab7e. .!ah: I=m staying with Taryn:4 he <2ic87y rep7ied. I saw his eyes 97ic8er over to S2Danne. I s2pposed he tho2ght I needed his protection. I to2ched his chee8. .It=s o8ay. I have this.4 I smi7ed. .Ao have 92n with the boys. -arie wi77 8eep me company.4 I gave him my devi7ish grin to 7et him 8now I wo27dn=t be ta8ing any o9 their crap. .)re yo2 s2re34 he whispered. I 8new he wo27d stay i9 I as8ed him to. .It=s o8ay:4 I reass2red him. Be 7eaned over to whisper in my ear. .0on=t ta8e any o9 their shit.4 I smi7ed. Be and I were on the same wave7ength. .I didn=t intend to.4 -arie was with me nowC I had reason to >2st ignore them. .That a gir7E I=77 see yo2 in a bit.4 Be gave me a <2ic8 8iss and a pat on the b2tt. Ryan gave -arie a s<2eeDe on her sho27der in passing. .@7ay nice 7adies:4 he said: 7oo8ing bac8 at the tab7e. ./hat=s 2p with those two34 -arie whispered to me. She sat down on one o9 the co2nter stoo7s. I ro77ed my eyes. .0id yo2 meet Je77y and Jat34 I as8ed her.

.1ep.4 She nodded. .They are so coo7E Tammy is down there with them now. Jat is rea77y 92nnyE4 .I=m sorry I didn=t get to introd2ce yo2 to everyone. I=ve been distracted.4 .!o 8iddingE4 -arie gigg7ed. S2Danne started ta78ing to 5rancescaC even tho2gh she was ta78ing <2iet7y: she apparent7y wanted me to hear what she was saying. She wasn=t that <2iet. .1o2 8now the st2dio wi77 be 2pset once they discover he=s dating someone. It=s a77 abo2t how he=s pac8aged. )nd as 7ong as he=s p2b7ic7y sing7e: his 9an base wi77 be higher and his movies wi77 ma8e more money. 1o2 don=t thin8 that they wi77 a77ow him to be seen with her: I mean she=s not even 9amo2s. /on=t ta8e them 7ong to p2t an end to it.4 (ven tho2gh she was appearing to be a mean and vindictive person: I wondered i9 there was any tr2th to her comment. /o27d the st2dio te77 him who he co27d and co27d not date3 0id he have to sign a contract or something which governed his persona7 7i9e3 I didn=t 8now anything abo2t the r27es that came a7ong with being 9amo2s. .So TarynH4 S2Danne chimed 2p: interr2pting my private tho2ghts. .Bow did yo2 and Ryan meet34 I smi7ed brie97y be9ore t2rning aro2nd. .I=m so s2rprised Ryan didn=t te77 yo2 that story himse79: S2DanneE @erhaps yo2 sho27d as8 him how we met. Be te77s the story m2ch better than I do.4 .!o: he didn=t mention yo2 at a77:4 she retorted. .Be=s s2ch a good actor and a good 7iar that I wo27dn=t be7ieve anything he te77s me anyway.4 -arie=s eyes shot 2p to 7oo8 at me. She was instant7y aware that this was a con9rontation and not a cas2a7 conversation. .I wo27dn=t 8now abo2t his acting abi7ities. I=ve never seen any o9 his movies:4 I rep7ied over my sho27der. . 2t when he 7oo8s at me I can te77 he=s being honest. Be has no reason to pretend with me.4 I 7a2ghed <2iet7yC on7y -arie co27d see me. .1es: we77: en>oy it whi7e it 7asts. In a 9ew more wee8s he=77 be 7eaving. Then what wi77 yo2 do34 The smi7e on my 7ips <2ic87y 9aded. The bitch 9o2nd my wea8 spot. She noted my pa2se and 2sed it to her advantage. .1o2 honest7y didn=t thin8 he wo27d stay here: did yo234 she said condescending7y

in her annoying accent. /hen I didn=t respond: she threw her ne;t dagger. .1o2 didE Bow patheticE 1o2 probab7y thin8 what yo2 have with him is specia7C 7i8e yo2 are the 9irst gir7 in this town that he has tried to s7eep with. I hate to be the one to in9orm yo2 b2t yo2 aren=t the 9irst. -y dear Ryan is su h a ta7ented actor. It=s a77 the same: 9rom town to town: how easy they a77 9a77 9or him. Be te77s them what they want to hear so he can get 7aid. @ity how he 7eaves them a77 bro8en*hearted.4 I had a sharp 8ni9e in one hand and a 7ong tined 9or8 in the other. The tho2ght o9 stabbing her in her heart crossed my mind. . esides: we are 7eaving 9or Scot7and soon: and he is contracted 9or movies immediate7y a9ter that. Be doesn=t have time 9or a re7ationship. Be=77 be trave7ing the wor7d: and yo2 8now the saying Go2t o9 sight: o2t o9 mind.= Be=77 thin8 o9 yo2 on7y 2nti7 the ne;t gir7 opens her 7egs.4 Je77y=s words abo2t how I had to be strong 97ashed thro2gh my brain. -arie=s words abo2t this being a part o9 his 7i9e 97ashed a9ter that. 2t I 7oo8ed at -arie with desperation. I had no comebac8 9or S2Danne=s comment. .1es: we a77 8now that Ryan has ob7igations: b2t I don=t thin8 that wi77 be power927 eno2gh to 8eep these two apart:4 -arie rep7ied in my de9ense. ./hen I see how Ryan 7oo8s at yo2:4 she said to me: .I >2st 8now. That man is 9a77ing in 7ove with yo2. 1o2 two are per9ect 9or each other. 1o2=re his so27 mate.4 Temporary re7ie9 washed over me and a smi7e bro8e across my 9ace. .So27 mate34 S2Danne sco99ed. .?h: he really has done a n2mber on a77 o9 yo2E Be sho27d get an )cademy )ward 9or that per9ormanceE4 She c7apped. .1o2 rea77y have no idea how many women he has s7ept with: do yo23 )nd he made every one o9 them 9ee7 7i8e they were his per9ect match.4 .1o2 never 8now. -aybe Taryn is his per9ect match. The way he ho7ds her and 8isses her: it=s what his heart wants: not what the script says he=s s2pposed to do:4 -arie 9ired bac8. .5oo7ish )merican women. They are a77 the same:4 she said to 5rancesca. .Let me g2essH he=s been ca77ing yo2 and te;ting yo23 So typica7 9or RyanC that=s how he gets them to 9a77 9or him. Be probab7y 2ses the same 7ines on each o9 them tooE4 She ro77ed her gaDe

over to me. .Ryan is an actorE Be gets paid to 9oo7 peop7e into be7ieving he=s something he=s not. It is e;treme7y di99ic27t 9or peop7e in o2r ind2stry to have 7ong standing re7ationships: especia77y when yo2 7ie 9or a 7iving.4 I momentari7y had a vision o9 tossing her o99 the edge o9 the roo9. .Ryan is a yo2ng man in his prime. Be has no desire to sett7e: not when the wor7d is 7aid o2t 9or him and he has a77 these opport2nities. )77 the parties: a77 the womenH they are >2st toys to him:4 she stated emphatica77y. .Bis ne;t movie starts 9i7ming in Ian2ary. Be=77 be gone 9or months. )9ter that we have h2ndreds o9 photoca77s and >2n8ets to promote .ay of .awn. /e sti77 don=t 8now where we=re going to 9i7m the third movie: b2t I can say with con9idence that it won=t be here.4 -arie g7ared at her. .?ther actors have re7ationships and get married a77 the time. I don=t 8now why yo2 thin8 Ryan wo27d be so di99erent.4 S2Danne sat 2p straight in her chair. .-arried3 Ryan3 I don=t thin8 so. Be isn=t the marrying type. esides: everyone 8nows that in the end: 9amo2s ce7ebrities a7ways marry ce7ebrities.4 .!ot a7ways:4 -arie arg2ed. .-att 0amon 7oo8s <2ite happy. The way I see it: it=s the re7ationships between actors that a7ways end 2p in divorce.4 .1es: we77 these momentary distractions co27d end 2p costing him his career. Be=s a7ready been warned by the director to get 9oc2sed:4 she said ca77o2s7y. .@erhaps it was something on the set that was distracting him and ta8ing away his 9oc2s34 I pointed o2t. .-aybe someone was having a bad cost2me day or was behaving 7i8e a spoi7ed brat3 ?r perhaps someone is sti77 harboring 9ee7ings 9rom something that happened on e a 7ong time ago3 I=m s2re those moments o9 irritation a99ect his per9ormance as we77.4 Swallow that one &it h! I said to myse79. That was the 9ina7 straw 9or her. She abr2pt7y got 2p 9rom her chair: shoving it bac8 and o2t o9 her way with e;tra 9orce. 5rancesca stood 2p two seconds 7ater. The scow7 on her 9ace was evident too. .0on=t overcoo8 my stea8:4 S2Danne h299ed as she retreated 9or the door.

Chapter 12 Ser*e

./hat the he77 was that a77 abo2t34 -arie as8ed the second 5rancesca s7ipped thro2gh the door. .I=m not s2re:4 I sighed. .I thin8 S2Danne is in 7ove with Ryan. )t 7east she=s acting 7i8e it. /hat the he77 did I get myse79 into34 .0on=t worry abo2t her. Be obvio2s7y doesn=t care abo2t her:4 -arie dec7ared. I p2t the stea8s bac8 on the gri77 9or their 7ast cyc7e. )s I po8ed them with the 9or8 to move them aro2nd I tho2ght abo2t S2Danne=s statements. /hat was I going to do once Ryan 7e9t Seaport3 I was ca2ght 2p in the moment again with another g2y who was sti77 7eaving 9or good in a 9ew wee8s. .Taryn: yo2 7oo8 7i8e yo2 want to cry. 0on=t 7et those bitches get to yo2 7i8e that.4 .-arie: she=s right. They are 7eaving soon. Be=s got movies to ma8e and he has to trave7 to many other p7aces a9ter this. Bow can it possibly wor8 o2t34 The smo8e 9rom the gri77 was ma8ing my eyes sting even worse. .Long distance re7ationships never 7ast.4 .0on=t thin8 thatE4 she ye77ed at me. .Be cares abo2t yo2E4 .So what3 It doesn=t matter how we 9ee7 abo2t each other. Be=s going to have to 7eave event2a77yE ?nce he 7eaves: that wi77 be it. This relationship: i9 that=s even what it is: was doomed 9rom the start.4 I 9e7t the pain that precedes my tears crac8 into my chest. .Be=s beyond 9amo2s. )nd once we=re not aro2nd each other: temptation wi77 be a77 aro2nd him. There are a mi77ion pretty women o2t there 9or him to choose 9rom and I=m s2re he=77 9orm bonds with the ne;t hot actress he has to wor8 with.4 I had to breathe. Rea7ity was setting in. .I=m 8idding myse79 to thin8 he=77 want to maintain a re7ationship with me. Be=77 never be ab7e to stay 9aith927 to me: and why sho27d he3 Be=s yo2ng: and sing7e: and certain7y not in a position in his 7i9e to sett7e down with someone. I=m nothing more than a st2pid piece

o9 ass.4 I wiped my eyes. -y eye7iner was noticeab7e on my 9inger. I 9e7t the tear 9orm and drip down my chee8. -arie r2shed aro2nd the gri77 and gave me a h2g. I co27dn=t ho7d the tears in anymore thin8ing abo2t 7osing himC they streamed down my 9ace. ./hat happened34 Ryan ye77ed: r2nning over to where we stood. -arie answered him. .That S2Danne is a bitchE She=s 72c8y I didn=t p2nch her.4 ./hat did she say to yo23 Te77 meE4 Be started to p277 on my arm. -arie 7et me go and I t2rned to ta8e the stea8s o99 the gri77. I sni99ed bac8 my tears and tried to sti97e the sobs that ebbed 2p my chest as I threw each stea8 in the pot. I co27dn=t 7oo8 at him. .Aive me the 9or8:4 -arie ordered: re7ieving me o9 stea8 d2ty. Ryan grabbed my 2pper arms and sp2n me aro2nd with 9orce. .Taryn: Sweetheart: what did she say to yo23 Te77 me right nowE4 I >2st shoo8 my head. I co27dn=t stop the tears. I a7so didn=t want to have this conversation with him whi7e -arie was present. .-arie: wo27d yo2 p7ease ta8e the stea8s downstairs 9or me3 @7ease3 I need a moment:4 I m2ttered. Ryan was wiping my 9ace with his 9ingers. .@7ease: te77 me what she said:4 he p7eaded. .She said a 7ot o9 things: Ryan. -ost7y she reminded me repeatedly that yo2=re 7eaving soon and yo2=re not coming bac8 here * and thin8ing abo2t that h2rtsH so bad.4 I s<2eeDed my eyes sh2tC 9resh tears ro77ed down my 9ace. .She in9ormed me that yo2=re 7eaving 9or Scot7and soon: and that yo2 have many other movie commitments and so many other p7aces in the wor7d to be.4 I swa77owed hard: trying to p277 myse79 together. I didn=t want him to see me crying over him. I wiped my chee8. .52nny: I 8new a77 a7ong that yo2 wo27dn=t be staying here. Bow co27d yo2 possib7yH4 .That bitchE I=ve >2st abo2t had eno2gh o9 her shitE4 he ye77ed. I didn=t 9277y 2nderstand why he was mad at S2Danne. .0on=t b7ame her. She didn=t say anything that I hadn=t a7ready considered. I >2st

didn=t need her to remind me today.4 I 7oo8ed away when I rea7iDed the day o9 rec8oning was happening now. .I sho27d have never 7et myse79 get this attached:4 I said: chastising myse79. I started to ta8e a step bac8 to wa78 away: b2t Ryan grabbed my arms again. I tried to s<2irm o2t o9 his hands b2t he tightened his grip. .This is e0a tly whyH4 I didn=t 9inish saying it o2t 7o2d. -y hands c7enched into 9ists. In my mind: the inevitab7e heartbrea8 was a7ready here and I was 92rio2s with myse79. .?h: Aod. /hy did I 7et this happen3 I=m so st2pidE I sho27d have never, everH4 5resh air st2ttered down my throat. .Taryn34 Ryan=s 9ace twisted with con92sion. I 8new he didn=t 2nderstand why I was so distra2ght. .I=m sorry: Ryan. I 8new this moment wo27d come event2a77y. That=s why I tried to >2st stay 9riends. I don=t want to p2t this on yo2. It=s my prob7em.4 ./hat are yo2 saying34 Be shoo8 my arms. I attempted to wipe my eye: trying to 9ind the interna7 strength to say the words. I love you, but I ant "eep you% .I=m saying we sho27dn=t see each other anymore. Then when yo2 7eave in a 9ew wee8s: no one gets h2rt.4 Bis mo2th 9e77 open. ./hat3 !oE4 he sho2ted. .!?E /hy are yo2 doing this34 .Ryan: we both 8now that yo2=re 7eaving soonE Then what3 /e=re going to try to have a 7ong distance re7ationship3 I=m not that naVve.4 I wiped my 9ace. .The more time I spend with yo2: the harder it wi77 be when yo2 go. This re7ationship doesn=t stand a chance and I 8now yo2 8now itE So why pretend that anything good can come 9rom itE .Let=s >2st end this now instead o9 pro7onging the inevitab7e. Then when yo2 7eave yo2=re 9ree to be with whomever yo2 want to be with. !o strings: no worriesH no regrets.4 )s hard as I tried to stic8 to my g2ns: my tears were po2ring 2ncontro77ab7y down my 9ace. I had to 7oo8 away. .It=s a7ready too pain927 and I=m a7ready too attached to yo2:4 I m2ttered 2nder my breath. .Taryn: honey: 7oo8 at me:4 he p7eaded. I noticed his voice crac8.

I shr2gged my sho27ders: trying to escape 9rom his hands. .I can=t.4 -y heart was brea8ing and I wanted to get away 9rom the so2rce o9 the pain. .@7ease34 he begged. .!o. !o:4 I said adamant7y: my voice tremb7ed 2ncontro77ab7y. I tasted the sa7t 9rom my tears as they dripped across my 7ips. I str2gg7ed in his hands: b2t he sti77 wo27dn=t 7et go. .!o. It=s a77 right.4 I swa77owed hard. .1o2 don=t have to say anything. 1o2 don=t owe me. Let=s >2st go bac8 to the party and when it=s over we=77 say o2r goodbyes.4 -y words b2rned in my throat and my heart cr2mb7ed to pieces. I had to 7et him go. As mu h as I love you, you an never be mine% Bis hands shoo8 my arms. .@7ease: >2stH 7et me go:4 I whispered between sobs. .Taryn3 !oE !oE @7ease baby. Loo8 at me. Loo8 into my eyes. @7easeE4 It a7most so2nded 7i8e he was crying too. .Loo8 at meE4 he sho2ted. The moment I 7oo8ed 2p: new tears streamed down my 9ace. I didn=t want him to see me 7i8e this. .I have no intentions to wa78 away 9rom yo2 or 7et any amo2nt o9 distance r2in this. /i77 it be di99ic27t 9or 2s3 1es. /i77 it h2rt me >2st as bad to be away 9rom you3 1es.4 Tears 9e77 9rom Ryan=s eyes. . 2t one thing I 8now 9or s2reH4 Be he7d my chin 2p to ma8e s2re I wo27dn=t 7oo8 away. .I am 9a77ing in 7ove with yo2.4 -y 8nees 9e7t wea8. I hadn=t e;pected that response 9rom him. ./ith yo2: TarynE4 he stressed: 7oo8ing direct7y into my eyes. .I don=t want anyone e7se * >2st yo2. )nd no matter where I am: wherever I go: yo2=re the on7y one who is ho7ding my heart.4 Be 9e7t that I wasn=t resisting so he eased 2p on the grip he had on my arm. Bis grasp that once 8ept me 9rom r2nning away now he7d me 2p where I stood. ./e=77 9ig2re o2t a way to ma8e it wor8. I promise:4 he so7emn7y vowed. .I have p7enty o9 time between my sched27es to come bac8 here: and when I can=t be here: I=77 get yo2 on a p7ane. !o matter what: I=m not going to 7et yo2 go.4 Be stressed his 7ast words.

.I=m 9a77ing in 7ove with yo2: too:4 I con9essed: 7oo8ing 2p into his warm: b72e eyes. .That=s why it h2rts so m2ch.4 Be p277ed me into a com9orting embrace and cr2shed his 7ips on mine. I 9e7t the weight o9 my 2ncertainties 7i9t o99 my heart as I read his 7ips and the message his 8iss conveyed. Jnowing that he wanted me: hearing that he didn=t want it to end: was e;act7y what I needed to move 9orward. Bis 8iss ended and he sighed heavi7y. .?h: Sweetheart: don=t worry. 1o2=re not gonna get rid o9 me that easi7y.4 .That=s good to 8now:4 I m2rm2red on his chest. Ryan h2gged me: stro8ing his hand over my hair. .I didn=t 8now. I wasn=t s2re how 7ong yo2 and I...4 I sni99ed. .I9 this: between 2s: was on7y 2nti7 yo2 7e9t Seaport.4 .!o. That was never my intention.4 Be 8issed my head. .The way I 9ee7 abo2t yo2: and a9ter o2r incredib7e night and this morningH4 I tossed my head bac8 and too8 a moment to breathe. .I don=t 8now abo2t yo2: b2t my 9ee7ings 9or yo2 started way be9ore thatE4 Be tried to >o8e. .-ine too:4 I admitted. . 2t S2Danne 8ept pic8ing 2nti7 she 9o2nd my wea8ness.4 I sighed: co77ecting myse79 92rther. .Ryan: I 8now yo2 have ob7igations that wi77 tear yo2 away 9rom here. S2Danne in9ormed me o9 a77 o9 them: emphasiDing how m2ch yo2 need yo2r 9reedom. The tho2ght o9 never seeing yo2 again was e;cr2ciating. )77owing myse79 to 9a77 mad7y in 7ove with yo2 and then having to 7et yo2 go 9or good: I don=t 8now i9 I co27d s2rvive that.4 Ryan so9t7y 8issed me. .I 8now how yo2 9ee7. ) 9ew min2tes ago when yo2 bro8e 2p with me: I 9e7t that same e;cr2ciating pain.4 .I=m so sorry:4 I whispered: drowning in regret 9or h2rting him. .It=s o8ay: honey. I 2nderstand:4 he said whi7e gent7y roc8ing me bac8 and 9orth. I wiped the moist2re 9rom my chee8s. .I=m sorry 9or 9a77ing apart.4 .Stop apo7ogiDing. It=s a77 right.4 Be h2gged me tighter. .I2st don=t ever brea8 2p with me again.4 Be so2nded tr27y ratt7ed as he 8issed my 9orehead. .I swear I never wi77. The same goes 9or yo2:4 I m2ttered.

.I=ve a7ready 9a77en 9or yo2 so yo2=re st2c8 with me:4 Ryan ass2red me. .1o2 8now my parents are coming here in two wee8s: and they are e;pecting to meet the woman I to7d them I=m 9a77ing in 7ove with 6 yo2E4 Be smi7ed and r2bbed my chee8 with his th2mb. .I=ve a7ready to7d my mom how craDy I am abo2t yo2.4 I nodded my head and smi7ed bac8. .I rea77y want to meet yo2r parents.4 Be so9t7y 8issed me and rested his 9orehead on mine. .)nd I want yo2 to meet them. I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to introd2cing them to my one and only gir79riend.4 I wondered i9 the other woman in his 7i9e 8new where his heart was. .I thin8 S2Danne is in 7ove with yo2 too. She said some rea77y h2rt927 things.4 .0id yo2 get her bac834 Be so2nded hope927. .I got one good one in there. -arie got her a 9ew times too. It was 7i8e she wanted the cha77enge.4 .I 8new I sho27dn=t have 7e9t. That=s why I didn=t want to go downstairs.4 .She wo27d have gotten to me sooner or 7ater. She seemed he77*bent on getting her point across.4 Be too8 my hand in his and he7d it to his 7ips. ./e77: now yo2 8now e0a tly how I 9ee7 so it doesn=t matter what she or anyone e7se says. )77 right34 I nodded in agreement. .I to7d yo2 Im yoursE4 he reminded. .I 8new yo2 didn=t be7ieve meE 0o yo2 be7ieve me now34 I 9e7t si77y 9or do2bting him. .1esE4 I 7a2ghed o2t. Ryan s7ipped his hand into my hair and he7d my 9ace to his: 8issing me passionate7y. .Let=s go get yo2 9reshened 2p:4 he s2ggested: r2bbing his th2mb 2nder my eye. .1o2 8now: i9 yo2 were on set right now: yo2=d have a team o9 ma8e2p artists to2ching 2p yo2r 9ace.4 .1o2 spea8 9rom e;perience34 I m2ttered whi7e reapp7ying some eye7iner. I a7ready 8new his answer. .1es: it=s tr2e. I open7y admit it. I wear ma8e2p and 7ip co7or >2st abo2t every day:4 he stated in a >o8ing 9ashion. .It=s <2ite emasc27ating: a7tho2gh I do 7i8e the way my s8in 9ee7s a9terwards.4 I co27d te77 by his theatrica7 per9ormance that he was trying to 7i9t my spirits. Try as

he may: I sti77 8new S2Danne was down there: eager7y awaiting the res27t o9 her medd7ing. ./ait: be9ore we go: are yo2 going to say anything to her34 Be sni99ed. .I=m not s2re yet. 0o yo2 want me to34 .!oE4 I <2ic87y answered. 5ear o9 another con9rontation drove my response. .)re yo2 s2re34 I 8new he wo27d de9end me i9 I as8ed him to. .1es: I=m s2re. I thin8 it wo27d be best to >2st 7eave it go.4 .Then I won=t say anything to herH here.4 Ryan stopped at the bottom o9 my stairwe77. Be p277ed me in 9or a tender embrace and 8issed me sed2ctive7y. I co27dn=t he7p b2t smi7e. .That=s betterE4 Be grinned. Ryan too8 my hand in his and p2shed the door open. I noticed that everyone was sitting separatedC actors at one tab7e and my 9riends were at another. Ryan set his p7ate down at the empty seat ne;t to @ete. Be p277ed o2t a chair 9or me to sit down ne;t to him. .Tar: what wo27d yo2 7i8e to drin834 Ryan as8ed: resting his hand on my bac8. I attempted to get 2p and serve myse79: b2t he 7eaned over me: ho7ding me in p7ace. .) g7ass o9 wine: p7ease34 -arie was >2st abo2t to ta8e a bite o9 9ood in her mo2th when she 97ashed her eyes at me. She smi7ed at Ryan=s actions. .1o2 o8ay34 she mo2thed. I nodded and smi7ed. She 7e9t o2t a sigh o9 re7ie9 and shot a dirty 7oo8 at S2Danne. @ete stood 2p and he7d his g7ass in the air a9ter Ryan too8 his seat. .I=d 7i8e to ma8e a toast. To my 7ove7y Tammy: 9or staying 2p 2nti7 three a.m. ma8ing a77 this 9ab27o2s 9ood: and to Taryn: 9or once again ma8ing the best stea8s in Rhode Is7andE -ay we 8now how tr27y b7essed we are having these 7adies in o2r 7ives.4 @ete 7eaned over and gave Tammy a nice 8iss. Be was so in 7ove with her. Ryan 7eaned over and whispered in my ear. .I am tr27y b7essed.4 Be 8issed me tender7y. ?nce everyone 9inished eating and ta78ing: Ryan and @ete were 7i8e the entertainment committee. @ete started a po8er game with Jat: en: Shane: and Tammy. There was a 7ot o9

hooting and ho77ering coming 9rom the big tab7e. They were having a good time. Ryan and I p7ayed poo7 with Ca7 and Aary. -arie and Je77y were b2sy ta78ing 2p a storm at the corner tab7e in the poo7room. Je77y was a h2ge ce7ebrity advocate 9or breast cancer awareness and -arie had recent7y 7ost her 9avorite a2nt to the disease. They were deep into their conversation. The so2rp2ss twins were o99 on their own: te;t messaging and ca77ing peop7e. That was 2nti7 5rancesca got brave eno2gh to separate herse79 9rom S2Danne and >oined the po8er game. S2re eno2gh: S2Danne made her way over to the big tab7e soon a9terwards. It was apparent that they were avoiding whatever room I was in. Ryan never 7e9t my side or sho27d I say: my bac8. !o matter where I stood I co27d easi7y 7ean bac8 and rest on him. . e9ore I 9orget to te77 yo2: I rea77y 7i8e those boots:4 he whispered in my ear. .1o2=re a7most the per9ect height.4 Be p277ed my hip bac8 so I=d b2mp him and get his point. .0o yo2 want me to wear them 7ater34 I as8ed private7y in a >o8ing 9ashion. ./o27d yo234 he whispered. .(very time yo2 7ean over the poo7 tab7e: I >2st abo2t go o2t o9 my mind:4 he snic8ered in my ear. I t2rned to him and 7oo8ed him in the eyes. .K2estionH the 9irst day: here: in the poo7room: were yo2 7oo8ing down my shirt34 I whispered. .-aybe: b2t on7y once or twice.4 Be wet his 7ips and smi7ed. .I 7i8ed the 7ace that was on the edge o9 yo2r bra. 2t what rea77y got my attention was when yo2 were 7eaning into the coo7er. Those >eans yo2 were wearing 6 y2m.4 Be too8 a deep: s27try breath. .)7tho2gh the ones yo2=re wearing now are de9inite7y my new 9avorites. I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to 2ntying them with my teeth 7ater.4 .I2st don=t rip themE They were e;pensive.4 Be shr2gged and sco99ed. .I=77 give yo2 my credit card * go b2y yo2rse79 a doDen more. Tearing those >eans o99 o9 yo2 is worth every penny I have.4 I dismissed his comment and contin2ed o2r private conversation. ./hat abo2t the distracting be77y scratch3 /hat did that do 9or yo234 Be 7oo8ed at me and smi7ed bash9277y whi7e he chewed on his straw. .0o yo2 rea77y want me to answer that34

.1esE4 Be hesitated be9ore answering. .I spent a 9ew moments thin8ing abo2t vio7ating yo2 on top o9 this poo7 tab7e. Sort o9 the same tho2ghts I=m having right now: b2t now my tho2ghts are more 9rom memory and 7ess 9rom imagination.4 I heard something b2mp against the poo7room window: ca2sing me to 97inch 9rom the so2nd. Since no one was near a window: it had to come 9rom the o2tside. .I thin8 someone is trying to 7oo8 in the window.4 I peered over Ryan=s sho27der to see. Be grabbed my 9orearm and stopped me 9rom getting any c7oser. .0on=t:4 he warned. .I2st ignore it.4 .Ignore what3 /hat=s o2t there34 .@aparaDDi and 9ans. /e=ve a7ready been in9ormed by o2r sec2rity.4 .0o yo2 have sec2rity o2tside34 .1es:4 he answered direct7y. I tried to imagine it: pict2ring a77 their bodyg2ards and drivers >2st standing aro2nd o2tside in the co7dH bored: h2ngry: and waiting 9or the ce7ebrities. ./hy didn=t yo2 invite the sec2rity g2ys inside3 They co27d=ve at 7east had some 9ood.4 .!o. Their >ob is to ma8e s2re we can re7a; and not worry abo2t what they=re worrying abo2t.4 .1o2=re going to be seen 7eaving here no matter what:4 I m2ttered. Be ran his hand reass2ring7y over my arm. .0on=t worry abo2t it.4 . 2t i9 yo2=re photographed 7eaving in the morning34 I as8ed. I didn=t care abo2t me: I was worried abo2t him. Be 7oo8ed at me with a serio2s e;pression. .I9 I 7eave here tonight: the paparaDDi might >2st thin8 that I arrived 9irst 6 a7one: and that they missed me. I9 I 7eave in the morning: then the cat=s o2t o9 the bag.4 ./hat are yo2 going to do34 It was his decision. .I 8now what I sho27d do. 2t what I should do is not what I want to do. I9 I 7eave in the morning: they are going to start 9o77owing yo2.4 Be motioned his head towards the window.

./hat di99erence does it ma8e3 1o2=ve been here twice: and now there=s a private party here. I=m s2re the connection has been made.4 .I9 I 7eave in the morning: that=s it. It de9inite7y begins. )re yo2 ready 9or that34 ) 9ew se7ect words he said crossed thro2gh my mind" .I=m 9a77ing in 7ove with yo24 and .gir79riend.4 Then I tho2ght abo2t the 9reedom that I ta8e 9or granted every day. I wo27d no 7onger wa78 aro2nd the (arth in comp7ete anonymity. .I9 yo2 rea77y meant a77 the words yo2 said to me on the roo9: then yes: I=m ready.4 .Taryn: I >2st want to protect yo2. 1o2 8now that: right34 I nodded. I 8new he didn=t want me to be ho2nded. 2t how 7ong co27d he: or wo27d he: 8eep me a secret3 I g2ess a 7itt7e disappointment showed on my 9ace. ./e77: we don=t have to decide now. /e sti77 have a game to watch:4 Ryan said: giving me hope. I t2rned the channe7 to S2nday night 9ootba77. The 9ami7iar bac8gro2nd m2sic started to p7ay and a 9ew o9 the g2ys mimic8ed the tones. It was 92nny. ./e=re going to watch )merican 9ootba7734 S2Danne whined. Ryan t2rned and spo8e over his sho27der. ./e co27d ca77 a car 9or yo2 i9 yo2 don=t want to stay.4 I smi7ed inside. Be was being nice: b2t he rea77y wanted to get rid o9 her. .I can ca77 9or my own car: than8 yo2:4 she snapped bac8. I was g7ad to see her 2se her ce77 phone. I carried a 9resh pitcher o9 beer over to the g2ys. They were a77 7ined 2p at the tab7e c7osest to the te7evision. .Aary: get yo2r money readyE4 Ryan teased. I 9i77ed Ryan=s empty g7ass with beer. It 7oo8ed tasty so I too8 a sip then handed it to him. Be too8 a big g27p and handed the g7ass bac8 to me. .1o2 get your money ready:4 Aary bantered bac8. .I a7ready have one o9 yo2r twenties in my wa77etC >2st waiting 9or another one. -aybe yo2 sho27d give that twenty to Taryn to 8eep warm 9or me.4 Ryan patted my 7eg. .0on=t yo2 worry abo2t this twenty. It=s nice and warm: and 7oo8ing 9orward to having another twenty to be its 9riend.4 Ryan rested his arm on the bac8 o9 my chair and whispered in my ear: .7et=s do a

shot.4 .@re9erence34 .Bow abo2t that te<2i7a we had that one time34 Ryan answered. .0o yo2 sti77 have some34 .1eah.4 I nodded. .I thin8 there=s eno2gh 7e9t in the bott7e.4 ./e77: 7et=s 8i77 it. I=77 give yo2 money 9or a new bott7e. That st299 was goodE4 S2Danne and 5rancesca p2t their coats on and then S2Danne anno2nced their depart2re. Bard7y anyone said goodbye to them. Jat ye77ed .see ya4 very 7o2d: b2t her tone was de9inite7y more dismissive rather than a sincere goodbye. I heard some screams coming 9rom the waiting 9ans when they departed thro2gh my 9ront door: b2t the screaming didn=t 7ast too 7ong. Since the screams were coming 9rom 9ema7es: the crowd o2tside was obvio2s7y waiting 9or actors: not actresses. -y tho2ghts were that they were rea77y waiting 9or one actor in partic27ar to emerge. I had s2spected: and Ryan had con9irmed: that the paparaDDi were sta8ed o2tside my b2i7ding * waiting. 2t it was on7y then: when S2Danne and 5rancesca 7e9t: that the amo2nt o9 paparaDDi waiting became more apparent. The entire sidewa78 and the 9277 7ength o9 my e;terior were i772minated by 97ashes 9rom the cameras: comp7ete7y 7ighting 2p the dar8ness o2tside my windows. ?nce S2Danne and 5rancesca 7e9t: it was 7i8e everyone inside co27d breathe again. The men were getting 7o2d: sho2ting at the 9ootba77 game: and the 7adies had to ye77 >2st so we co27d have a conversation. -y attention 9oc2sed bac8 on Ryan when I saw him ta78ing on his ce77 phone. Be didn=t ta78 7ong: b2t whatever he heard pissed him o99. Be po2nded his 9ist into the tab7e. I watched as he 7eaned over and said something in Ca7=s ear. Ca7 >2st shoo8 his head in disg2st. )9ter everyone did a shot o9 te<2i7a: I sat at the big ro2nd tab7e with the 7adies to p7ay some cards. Jat was getting tipsyC she was so c2te to watch as she gigg7ed to herse79. .I=m g7ad the psycho twins 9ina77y 7e9t:4 Je77y anno2nced. Ber comment made me ch2c87e. .1eah: what=s 2p with S2Danne34 -arie as8ed. .She=s 8ind o9 7i8e a bitch.4 .That=s an 2nderstatementE4 Jat 7a2ghed 7o2d7y. .It=s s2rprisingC on screen she and Ryan have s2ch amaDing chemistry. I tho2ght

she=d be nicer:4 Tammy said. .That=s beca2se Ryan has the patience o9 a saintE4 Jat ye77ed in Ryan=s direction. ./e sho27d ca77 him Saint Ryan 9rom now on.4 Ryan 7oo8ed over his sho27der and smir8ed at her. ./e a77 to7d him that i9 he=d >2st 8i77 her a7ready: we co27d go home. /e even o99ered to bai7 him o2t o9 >ai7 i9 he=d do itE4 Jat >o8ed. .Right Ryan3 I=d bai7 yo2 o2t o9 >ai7 in a heartbeat: brotherE4 .That=s why I chec8 the c7ip in my g2n be9ore every scene.4 Ryan 7a2ghed. .I=m so paranoid that one o9 yo2 are going to s7ip rea7 b277ets in there one day.4 .)nd what abo2t 5rancesca34 Tammy as8ed Jat. .She bare7y said a word to anyone.4 .That=s beca2se S2Danne does the ta78ing 9or both o9 them now. Sometimes we wonder i9 5ran is made o2t o9 wood and S2Danne has her hand 2p her ass ma8ing her mo2th move:4 Jat hicc2ped. Ryan t2rned aro2nd: 7a2ghing hysterica77y at Jat=s comment. Be made a gest2re 7i8e he had a p2ppet on his hand. .5rancesca has iss2es:4 Je77y added. .)t 9irst she was rea77y nice: b2t she deve7oped this ido7iDation o9 S2Danne: and then she became an evi7 c7one.4 Je77y 7owered her voice. .5ran is in9at2ated with Ryan: or at 7east she was. I don=t 8now anymore. /e thin8 since S2Danne was in a position to be c7ose to Ryan: 5ran started to mimic her * thin8ing it wo27d attract Ryan=s attention. It deve7oped into this sic8ness.4 .I=m sti77 betting on the a7ien abd2ction theory myse79:4 Jat added. .?ne more movie: one more and then we are 9inished with them. I am so not 7oo8ing 9orward to having to hit the promo circ2it with them again. It=s going to be a 9rea8ing nightmare.4 ./e77 S2Danne said some harsh things to Taryn tonight:4 -arie added. .It=s pretty obvio2s that she=s got a thing 9or Ryan too.4 I 7oo8ed down at the cards in my hand: disp7eased that she mentioned it. .Taryn: she was a bitch to yo2E I wanted to p2nch her. !ow when I see the ne;t movie: I=m going to wish Char7es wo27d 7et her b7eed to death in that cave.4 I tho2ght abo2t Ryan having to go to wor8 tomorrow. /o27d he say anything to S2Danne or wo27d he >2st ignore it 9or the sa8e o9 8eeping his >ob3 I pres2med he wo27d >2st

8eep his coo7 and do his scenes the best he co27d. It wasn=t in his persona7ity to invite con9rontations. I was g7ad he to7d me what he did when we were in the shower ear7ier this morning. Be was honest with me. I wondered i9 anyone e7se sitting at this tab7e 8new abo2t his s7ip in >2dgment when he s7ept with 5rancesca. I9 they 8new: they certain7y weren=t going to bring it 2p in 9ront o9 me. Je77y and Jat were above that. I 7oo8ed 2p at the te7evision and saw that the Stee7ers had possession o9 the ba77. .(;c2se me: 7adies. I have to see this.4 I sat bac8 down ne;t to Ryan. The <2arterbac8 had >2st thrown the ba77 9or twenty yards and the Stee7ers= receiver was on his way to the goa7. I stood 2p to cheerC Ryan stood 2p right behind me. .To2chdownE4 we both ye77ed. Ryan he7d his hands 2p in the airC I c7apped my hands into his 9or a m2t2a7 high*9ive. The p7ace 8ic8er got the ba77 between the 2prights 9or the e;tra point. Ryan gave me another high*9ive and a <2ic8 8iss. Be was so happy: and seeing him happy made me even happier. I noticed I was the on7y 9ema7e even remote7y interested in the game: b2t it didn=t matter. I had everything my heart desiredC great 9riends: new soon*to*be great 9riends: and the best man I co27d have ever wished 9or. I stayed with Ryan 2nti7 ha79 time. The Stee7ers were winning: 21 to +: Ryan was having a b7ast with the g2ys: and I was secret7y entertaining tho2ghts o9 stradd7ing him where he sat. The severa7 drin8s I had cons2med 92rther enhanced my na2ghty tho2ghts. I was 9ee7ing b2DDed and comp7ete7y aro2sed. .@7ay me a song:4 Ryan whispered in my ear. I 7oo8ed at him 7i8e he was craDy. ./hat do mean: p7ay yo2 a song34 I grinned and 7oo8ed him in the eyes. .?n yo2r piano. @7ay something.4 ./hy don=t yo2 p7ay me a song34 I cha77enged. .-y g2itar is >2st 2p those steps.4 I pointed to the door. .?h noE I as8ed yo2 9irstE Come on: >2st one.4 Be stood 2p and p277ed me o99 o9 my chair: practica77y carrying me 7i8e I was a 9ootba77 over to my piano. I 7i9ted the cover o99 o9 the 8eys and stared at them. I had no idea what to p7ay. I p7ayed a 9ew notes: hoping that a song wo27d come to me whi7e remembering a77 the

songboo8s I 2sed to have. I started to p7ay a 9ew chords and Ryan=s 9ace 7it 2p. .Io2rney34 he as8ed. I nodded and began to sing. Soon I had a gathering aro2nd my piano: a77 o9 2s trying to remember the words. It was am2sing to hear them a77 sing o99*8ey. ?2r rendition o9 that wonder927 song ended horrib7y: since I co27dn=t remember a77 o9 the 7yrics. .Bow abo2t this one34 I p7ayed a 9ew notes. It was 8arao8e night in -itche77=s @2b. .@7ay that song yo2 p7ayed that night:4 Ryan re<2ested coy7y. .@7ease34 )t his 2rging: I p7ayed .5ouve got a 9riend4 again. This time I wasn=t nervo2s. Ca7 too8 Je77y in his arms and started to dance with her. It was s2ch a bea2ti927 sight. @ete twir7ed Tammy 2nder his arm: and Ryan 7eaned across the top o9 my piano: smi7ing at me. I sang to him and him a7one. /e were a77 having a good time singing and 7a2ghing: that was 2nti7 the po7ice sirens so2nded and the red and b72e 7ights 97ashed in 9ront o9 my p2b. I immediate7y hopped 2p o99 my piano bench. .@eteE4 I ye77ed. .I=m on it:4 @ete answered as he trotted o2t the 9ront door. I stood near the door waiting 9or @ete to ret2rn. It seemed to ta8e him 9orever. I wanted to 7oo8 o2t the window to see what was going on: b2t Ryan stopped me. (vent2a77y @ete came bac8 in b2t he wasn=t a7oneC two po7ice o99icers were with him. .@ete: what=s going on34 I as8ed: nervo2s that I had po7ice in my p2b. It had been a 7ong time since I had cops show 2p. Us2a77y they came a9ter someone started a 9ight o2tside: b2t I had no idea why they were here now. .Aood (vening: -iss:4 ?ne o9 the po7icemen addressed me as he 7oo8ed aro2nd at my g2ests. .Aood (vening: ?99icer:4 I rep7ied. .I=m Taryn -itche77. I=m the owner here. /hat is going on34 Ryan stood d2ti9277y behind me. ./e received a comp7aint abo2t a crowd b7oc8ing the street tra99ic:4 the po7iceman

rep7ied. .)s yo2 can see: we are ho7ding a private a99air 9or o2r visiting g2ests.4 I 7oo8ed at Ryan and Ca7. Seaport was not a 7arge comm2nityC I pres2med that the doDen or so po7ice o99icers we had on sta99 a77 8new that ce7ebrities were in town. The po7iceman 7oo8ed at Ryan and nodded his greeting. .-r. Christensen.4 .Aood (vening: ?99icer:4 Ryan rep7ied. Be was standing with his arms 9o7ded across his chest. .-y apo7ogies 9or the crowd. Un9ort2nate7y there isn=t m2ch we can do abo2t it.4 ./e wi77 ma8e s2re that the street is c7ear. There are too many pedestrians on the sidewa78. /eL77 re<2est that they disband: b2t they wi77 s2re7y regro2p once we 7eave:4 the o99icer in9ormed. ./e appreciate yo2r he7p:4 Ryan rep7ied. .1es: than8 yo2:4 Ca7 added. ./o27d yo2 7i8e me to ca77 in a re<2est 9or a po7ice escort when yo2 7eave34 the o99icer as8ed. .I=m not s2re. /e have private sec2rity with 2s this evening:4 Ryan answered. .1es: we spo8e to them o2tside:4 the o99icer said. .They are trying their best to 8eep it order7y: b2t we 2nderstand there is on7y so m2ch they can do.4 ./e sho27d be 9ine. Than8s 9or the o99er.4 Ryan reached o2t to sha8e the o99icerLs hand. -y heart rate was acce7erated 9rom the nervo2sness that a7ways accompanied po7ice presence: b2t Ryan seemed to maintain his coo7. @ete escorted the po7ice o2t the doorC h2ndreds o9 camera 97ashes 7it 2p the dar8ness the moment the door opened. I noticed Ryan t2rned to wa78 awayC I pres2med he didn=t want to be seen when the 9ront door opened. Be sat down in his seat in 9ront o9 the te7evision and started r2bbing his 9orehead. Bis body 7ang2age con9irmed my s2spicions. I stood behind him and started r2bbing his sho27ders. I 8new he was bothered by the mayhem o2tside and I wanted to ta8e his mind o99 o9 it. Bow m2ch press2re co27d one man ta8e be9ore he wo27d crac83 Ryan 7eaned his head bac8 and c7osed his eyes. .That 9ee7s good:4 he m2rm2red. I was trying not to get angry with the crowd o2tside 9or r2ining o2r evening. I 8issed his 9orehead: trying to soothe him. I didn=t need to be ab7e to read his mind to 8now the e;act

tho2ghts that tormented him. ?2r g2ests stayed 2nti7 the 9ootba77 game was over: b2t soon a9ter that everyone proceeded to gather their things. Aary re72ctant7y handed over twenty do77ars to Ryan: and Ryan gracio2s7y accepted it. .I=m going to go bac8 to the hote7 with the rest o9 them:4 Ryan in9ormed. The sadness was evident in his eyes. .I rea77y want to stay with yo2: b2t I thin8 it=s best i9 I go.4 Bis eyes 97ic8ered to my windows. .I have to be on set anyway ear7y in the morning.4 I wrapped my arms aro2nd his waist as he h2gged me. .I don=t want yo2 to go. 2t I 2nderstand why yo2 9ee7 yo2 m2st.4 .Tar: they 8now I=m in here. S2Danne to7d the crowd on her way o2t:4 he whispered in my ear. .I want to ma8e s2re that a77 o9 o2r 9riends get o2t o9 here sa9e7y: and I=m not ready 9or the paparaDDi to start sta78ing yo2 too.4 Ryan t2rned to @ete. .@ete: Tammy: what do I owe yo23 0o yo2 have a bi77 9or the catering34 Tammy 7oo8ed sideways at @eteC she didn=t 8now what to say. .)h: Ryan: Taryn paid 2s a7ready:4 @ete rep7ied. .Bow m2ch was the bi7734 Ryan as8ed me. .It wasn=t that m2ch. 0on=t worry abo2t it.4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 9ee7 a 7itt7e sad that he wasn=t staying. .That=s not what I as8ed.4 Be sort o9 7a2ghed: b2t I co27d te77 he was annoyed. .Bow m2ch was it34 I >2st ignored him and started c7eaning 2p. ./hy won=t yo2 te77 me34 .1o2 8now: Ryan: I tho2ght yo2 were smarter than that:4 -arie commented whi7e pi7ing 2p dirty g7asses on the bar. .Taryn doesn=t want yo2 9or yo2r money.4 I t2rned to her and grimaced. . esidesH4 she contin2ed with a 7a2gh: .she=s not h2rting 9or cash: that=s 9or s2re.4 I 8new she was trying to ma8e a point to Ryan: b2t I sti77 gave her a disp7eased 7oo8. -y wea7th was something I didn=t 7i8e to 97a2nt. Ryan pressed his body into my bac8. .Sooner or 7ater yo2=re going to have to get 2sed to 7etting me pay 9or things: yo2 8now that34 he whispered. .There=s no way I=m going

to a77ow anyone to thin8 I=m ta8ing advantage o9 yo2 6 yo2 inc72ded.4 .There=s on7y one thing I need.4 I p7aced my hand on his heart. .The rest is >2st detai7s.4 .I=m not going to arg2e with yo2 tonight: b2t this conversation is 9ar 9rom over.4 Be 7ight7y smi7ed and 8issed me. Severa7 o9 their sec2rity team came inside the bar. Ryan had co77ected his things 9rom 2pstairs and he wa78ed me over to the steps to my apartment so we co27d have a private moment in my stairwe77. .Than8 yo2 9or doing a77 o9 this. 1o2 were a 7ove7y hostessE (veryone had a great time.4 Be 7eaned and gave me a very passionate goodbye 8iss. .I=77 ca77 yo2 tomorrow. I don=t 8now i9 I=77 be ab7e to ma8e it 9or po8er: it a77 depends on when we 9inish.4 I nodded and 8issed him again. I didn=t want him to 7eave. /e a77 said o2r goodbyes at the 9ront doorC I h2gged everyone be9ore they 7e9t and they warm7y h2gged me bac8. I made some very good new 9riends today. @ete and Tammy were staying behind to pac8 2p the 7e9tover 9ood whi7e -arie and Aary he7ped me c7ean 2p. Two sec2rity men wa78ed o2t the door 9irstC Ca7 and Je77y 7ed the pac8: Jat and en were behind them: and Ryan and Shane were sandwiched between three other bodyg2ards. The screams 9rom the awaiting crowd were ear*piercing and <2ite 9rightening. I too8 a 9ew steps bac8: d2c8ing behind @ete whi7e we a77 watched the camera 97ashes 7ight 2p the night s8y.

Chapter 13 - !in o4s

It was c7ose to one thirty in the morning when I craw7ed into bed. The memories o9 the 7ast 9ew days swir7ed in my mind in segmented b2t vivid pict2res. I tho2ght abo2t the most important memory * Ryan=s admission that he was 9a77ing in 7ove with me: and how I admitted that I was 9a77ing in 7ove with him. It was a h2ge re7ie9 to 8now that o2r 9ee7ings were m2t2a7 and I co27d now 7et my 9ee7ings 9or him r2n 9ree. I co27d see that it might be di99ic27t to maintain a hea7thy re7ationship with him: b2t wo27d it rea77y be so di99erent than having a re7ationship with any other man3 !o matter who I wo27d get invo7ved with: it wo27d ta8e patience and 2nderstanding 9or 7ove to s2rviveC two <2a7ities that I 8new Ryan possessed. eing in his wor7d: the wor7d o9 p2b7ic 9ame: wo27d ta8e some getting 2se to. 2t I was more than wi77ing: a9ter today: to get going on that ne;t part o9 my 7i9e. I co27d easi7y see myse79 by his side: s2pporting him in his advent2res. 2t on the same to8en: I did not want to repeat past mista8esC those mista8es: in partic27ar: when I gave 2p who I was to be with a man. I tho2ght o9 what I might have to give 2p in order to be with Ryan. /o27d I have to se77 the bar3 -aybe I co27d 8eep it and have someone e7se r2n it 9or me. I wo27d sti77 want to maintain contro7 to ens2re that the -itche77=s name remained 2ntarnished. -aybe Ryan wo27d want to 7ive in Ca7i9ornia 7i8e Ca7 and Je77y3 Be said that my roo9top was his new 9avorite p7ace in the wor7d: b2t wo27d it be his 9avorite p7ace 9orever3 /o27d I want to stay in this same apartment 9orever too3 /hen I was engaged to Thomas: it was e;pected that we wo27d stay in my apartment above the bar. That was the p7an: considering Thomas wasn=t coming into the re7ationship with m2ch e7se to o99er. 2t I had a7ways hoped 9or moreC perhaps a nice 9armho2se on a sec72ded piece o9 property with mat2re trees 7arge eno2gh to ho7d a tree ho2se. ) p7ace where my chi7dren co27d r2n 9ree and p7ay with the 9ami7y dog. Somewhere I co27d grow a garden

and p7ant 97owers. /hat abo2t my 9riends3 /o27d I have to say goodbye or see yo2 7ater to the 9riends I had 9or most o9 my 7i9e3 -y parents were goneC I had no sib7ings: no rea7 ties to Seaport other than the 9act that this was where I ca77ed .home.4 It was my sa9e haven in a wor7d o9 2ncertainty. Ryan=s presence in my 7i9e had generated a who7e new 7ist o9 <2estions 9or me to ponder. I wanted a 7i9e with a partner in it and Ryan was appearing to be as c7ose to per9ect 9or me as one man co27d ever be. Be was a g2y=s g2y: r2gged and man7y: b2t he was a7so 7oving and tender. Be wasn=t se79ish 7i8e Tim: and he wasn=t opposed to 7ove: 7i8e 0ean. )nd most important7y: one 7ady seemed to be more than eno2gh. I 7oved the way he too8 charge o9 sit2ations too. The way he spo8e to the po7ice this evening * in some biDarre way it act2a77y t2rned me on to see him ta8e the 7ead. Be wasn=t the type to ta8e a bac8 seat to anyone. Be was strong and co27d hand7e himse79: and he had demonstrated on more than one occasion that he wanted to ta8e care o9 me. Bis actions were nat2ra7 * as instinct2a7 as breathing. The more I tho2ght abo2t it: the more I decided that whatever path 7i9e wo27d ta8e me on it wo27d be worth it: as 7ong as Ryan was by my side. I nest7ed 2nder my coversC a smi7e crossed my 7ips when Ryan=s voice 2ttering the words .I=m 9a77ing in 7ove with yo24 echoed in my mind. I 7et s7eep ta8e me 2nder with that being my 7ast tho2ght. I >2st abo2t 7eapt o2t o9 my s8in when my a7arm system went o99. ) s2rge o9 adrena7ine co2rsed into my veins 9rom the shri77 o9 the a7arms. I ran to my bedroom door and 7oc8ed it. I 7oo8ed at the c7oc8C it was a7most 9ive. !ot more than thirty seconds passed be9ore the a7arm company ca77ed my ce77 phone. .Be77o: this is Taryn -itche77:4 I breathed into the phone. .-s. -itche77: this is Ie99 9rom Shie7d Sec2rity: we have indications o9 a breach in yo2r b2i7ding. )re yo2 in the b2i7ding34 .1es:4 I stammered. .)re yo2 sec2red34 he as8ed. .1es: I=ve 7oc8ed myse79 in my bedroom.4 -y heart was po2ndingC the a7arms were b7aring.

.Sensors are indicating a window on yo2r 9irst 97oor. /e have a7erted 7oca7 a2thorities. The po7ice have been dispatchedC their (T) is 9o2r min2tes. I wi77 stay on the 7ine with yo2 2nti7 a2thorities arrive. )re yo2 in need o9 medica7 assistance34 .!o. I=m 9ine. Scared: b2t 9ine.4 I was tremb7ing as I p2t some c7othing on. .-s. -itche77: the po7ice have arrived. They are 2nab7e to get inside.4 I 2n7oc8ed my door and crept o2t into the ha77way. I co27d hear the po7ice banging on the 9ront door. .I=m going downstairs to 7et them in:4 I in9ormed him. )s soon as I opened the 9ront door the po7ice <2ic87y escorted me o2t o9 my b2i7ding so they co27d do a sweep 9or an intr2der. I was sha8ing 7i8e a 7ea9 when they sat me inside a patro7 car. )nother patro7 car came speeding down 5o2rth Street: red and b72e 7ights b7aDing. I be7ieve every cop on d2ty in Seaport was there. )9ter what seemed 7i8e an eternity: an o99icer came to the car. I recogniDed that he was the same o99icer who came into my p2b when Ryan and o2r g2ests were here. .-iss: my name is ?99icer Car7ton:4 he introd2ced himse79. .1es: o99icer. 1o2 were here ear7ier.4 .1es ma=am. /e=ve searched yo2r 9aci7ity 9or intr2ders. !o one is inside. It appears that a 7arge roc8 has been thrown thro2gh yo2r 9ront window. There are no other signs o9 9orced entry.4 I >2st nodded. I was 9reeDing and scared shit7ess. .Is there someone yo2 can contact to he7p yo23 1o2 wi77 need to board 2p yo2r window. /e are going to ta8e pict2res o9 the scene 9irst and I=77 need to ta8e a statement 9rom yo2.4 I sti77 had my ce77 phone in my hand. .@ete34 my voice crac8ed. @ete and Tammy arrived abo2t thirty min2tes a9ter I ca77ed. .TammyE4 Re7ie9 washed over me as I h2gged her. .Taryn: are yo2 o8ay3 /hat happened34 she as8ed. I repeated my story again. Shattered g7ass was a77 over the tab7e and booth and the impact too8 down one o9 my neon bar signs.

.In a77 the years we=ve had this p2b: this is the 9irst time we=ve ever had any vanda7ism. I don=t 2nderstand.4 I shoo8 my head. I tried to imagine why someone wo27d h2r7 a roc8 thro2gh my window. 5or a brie9 moment: I wondered i9 it was some obsessed 9an that did it. Tammy and I he7d the sheets o9 p7ywood in p7ace whi7e @ete boarded 2p the window. The s2n was starting to riseC in another ho2r or so I=d be ab7e to ca77 a contractor to come 9i; the g7ass. I a7so needed to get the ins2rance company invo7ved. All this hassle for what# I hoped that whoever threw the ro " got whatever was bugging them out of their system% Tammy stayed with me whi7e @ete went to wor8. I 9e7t horrib7e 9or getting him o2t o9 bed so ear7y. Be on7y had 9o2r ho2rs o9 s7eep: i9 that. ./hat wo27d be the motivation 9or someone to do this34 I as8ed: po2ring shattered g7ass into the p7astic garbage can. .I don=t 8now. It=s so sense7ess and >2veni7e:4 Tammy m2ttered. .0o yo2 thin8 I was targeted34 I wondered. .I hope not. )re yo2 thin8ing it was a 9an or something 7i8e that34 Tammy as8ed. )pparent7y I wasn=t the on7y one to have that tho2ght. I nodded my head in agreement. Ryan=s 9ans were obsessedC I wo27dn=t p2t it past one o9 them to do something 7i8e this. )9ter a77: the 9irst day I met him: one o9 his 9ans had gone beyond admiration and moved towards assa27t. ./e77: at 7east I 8now that the sec2rity system is wor8ing. The sec2rity company ca77ed me within seconds o9 the a7arm going o99.4 )9ter we 9inished c7eaning 2p: I gave Tammy a ride home. /e made it 9o2r 9eet o2tside my b2i7ding be9ore the paparaDDi descended on 2s and the cameras started to c7ic8. There were eight or nine o9 them and they a7ready 8new my name. I concentrated on the 8eys in my hand and the crac8s in the sidewa78 as we h2rried to my car. I2st 7i8e Ryan had warned: they started prompting me with <2estions. .Bow=s Ryan3 )re yo2 his gir79riend3 Taryn: to yo2r 7e9t 6 7oo8 to yo2r 7e9t. /hat was the occasion 9or the party3 /hat happened to yo2r window3 )re yo2 and Ryan Christensen dating3 Taryn: 7oo8 over here. 1o2=re bea2ti927 6 I can see why he 7i8es yo2.4 I 2n7oc8ed the car doors and Tammy and I >2mped in as 9ast as we co27d. The

photographers were sti77 ta8ing pict2res as I bac8ed o2t o9 my par8ing space. .?h my Aod: TarynE I=m 9rea8ing sha8ingE4 Tammy st2ttered as I drove down -27berry Street. Ber hands were tremb7ing. I was s7ight7y sha8en as we77: b2t not as bad as I tho2ght I wo27d be. -aybe beca2se I had menta77y prepared myse79 9or this that it didn=t a99ect me as severe7y as I had imagined3 The tho2ght o9 Ryan being pro2d o9 how I >2st hand7ed myse79 with the paparaDDi 97ashed thro2gh my tho2ghts. I dropped Tammy o99 at home and ret2rned to my par8ing spot a b7oc8 away 9rom my p2b. The paparaDDi had most7y disbanded: b2t there were sti77 three o9 them 7ingering by my door. I didn=t smi7e at them or ac8now7edge their presenceC they were b7ood*s2c8ing 7eeches in my boo8. I 7oc8ed myse79 inside and waited 9or the ins2rance ad>2ster to arrive. I tho2ght abo2t ca77ing Ryan b2t resisted. It didn=t matterC he sti77 ca77ed me anyway. I re9rained 9rom te77ing him abo2t the window whi7e he was sti77 on set 9i7ming. Be needed to 9oc2s and I certain7y didn=t want to add another piece o9 stress to his 7i9e. I decided to wait to te77 him abo2t the window 2nti7 he was bac8 at his hote7. )9ter a 9ew phone ca77s: po8er night was cance77ed. (veryone seemed 9ine with staying home: a7tho2gh Tammy and -arie both o99ered to come stay with me. I than8ed them b2t dec7ined. I was 9ine p7aying my g2itar by myse79. .)re yo2 sti77 p7aying po8er34 Ryan as8ed when he ca77ed at eight o=c7oc8. I was s2rprised that he was in a good mood: considering he was on set 9or a7most thirteen ho2rs. .!o: we=re not. (veryone decided to stay home.4 .(veryone sti77 tired34 Ryan as8ed: s7ight7y ch2c87ing. ./e77: sort o9. I didn=t want to te77 yo2 ear7ier whi7e yo2 were 9i7ming: b2t someone h2r7ed a roc8 thro2gh my 9ront window at 9ive o=c7oc8 this morning.4 ./hat34 he be77owed. ./hich window 6 2pstairs or downstairs34 .0ownstairs. It was the midd7e window with the -itche77=s 7ogo. The who7e window shattered into pieces.4 .)re yo2 o8ay34 I co27d hear his concern. .1eah: I=m 9ine. I was scared to death when my a7arms went o99: b2t the sec2rity company ca77ed the po7ice right away. So I had the cops hereH again:4 I sighed. .The o99icer

who came ear7ier was the same one who too8 my statement.4 .I sho27d have stayed:4 he said. .It=s o8ay. I ca77ed @ete. Be and Tammy came right over. @ete boarded 2p the window with a co2p7e o9 sheets o9 p7ywood and Tammy he7ped me sweep 2p the g7ass.4 I r2bbed my eyes and yawned. .I ca77ed my ins2rance company and a g7ass contractor. The g7ass wi77 get rep7aced on /ednesday.4 .Tar: I=m sorry:4 he whispered. .!othing 9or yo2 to be sorry abo2t:4 I <2ic87y rep7ied. .I9 I wo27d have been there: I co27d have boarded the window myse79:4 he said with a2thority. )s m2ch as I wanted to be7ieve he sincere7y meant what he said: I sti77 co27dn=t pict2re him o2t there at si; in the morning boarding 2p my smashed window. The paparaDDi wo27d have had a 9ie7d day with that scenario. I 8new he meant we77. .I sti77 wo27d have had to ca77 @ete. I don=t have any p7ywood 7ying aro2nd. @ete is wor8ing on his ho2se * I 8new he had a 9ew sheets on hand.4 .I=ve got to ca77 @ete and than8 him. Be=s a good man and a good 9riend.4 I was p7eased that Ryan said that. It made me happy that he considered @ete his 9riend too. .0id yo2 pay him 9or the p7ywood34 Ryan as8ed. .!o. Shoot. I didn=t even thin8 to o99er. !ow I 9ee7 bad. It was so ear7y when it happened and I wasn=t thin8ing. 2t I wi77: now that yo2 mentioned it.4 .!o. I=77 ta8e care o9 it. I=77 ca77 him tomorrow.4 ./hy wo27d yo2 do that3 It was my window that was smashed.4 .Taryn: >2st 7et me do this. I=m a 7itt7e mad that yo2 didn=t te77 me ear7ier.4 I sighed. .I didn=t te77 yo2 beca2se yo2 need to stay 9oc2sed whi7e yo2=re wor8ing. esides: I 9ig2red yo2 had eno2gh on yo2r p7ate dea7ing with S2Danne. I co27d >2st te77 in yo2r voice when yo2 ca77ed ear7ier that she was giving yo2 a hard time.4 .She was:4 he ch2c87ed. .5ort2nate7y she can be <2ite pro9essiona7 when the cameras are ro77ing.4 .0id yo2 say anything to her abo2t yesterday34 I as8ed: wondering i9 he con9ronted her.

.!o:4 he admitted. .Tar: I didn=t want to start anything. I hope yo2=re o8ay with that.4 .1eah:4 I rep7ied. .I=m per9ect7y 9ine with it act2a77y. It=s not worth the tension.4 .That=s what I tho2ght. esides: yo2 8now how I 9ee7 abo2t yo2:4 he whispered. I smi7ed. .1eah: I s2ppose I doE4 .Spea8ing o9 whichH what are yo2 2p to34 .I=m >2st sitting here p7aying my g2itar and 7istening to m2sic:4 I said as I p7ayed a 9ew chords. ./ant some company34 Ryan as8ed. .Race yo2 to the bac8 door34 I >o8ed. Be never even said goodbye. I heard a 9aint c7ic8 when he h2ng 2p on me. I waited by the bac8 door 9or him. The Le;ington Bote7 was on7y three b7oc8s away. I smi7ed when I saw him 9ina77y t2rn the corner. .@hew:4 he sighed. .I=m o2t o9 shapeE4 Bis breathing was s7ight7y 7abored 9rom >ogging. .I had to ta8e the 7ong way beca2se the paparaDDi are camped o2t by the hote7.4 ./hich way did yo2 go34 I as8ed. .I sn2c8 o2t the door by the swimming poo7 and went down the boardwa78 a b7oc8. I to7d one o9 the hote7 wor8ers that I wanted to go 9or a >og: so he gave me a 8ey to get bac8 thro2gh the door to the indoor poo7.4 Be grinned: showing me the 8ey. .?n7y cost me one a2tographed posterE4 I 7a2ghed at him. .I wondered what too8 yo2 so 7ong.4 .B2g me: I=m a77 sweaty:4 Ryan >o8ed: wrapping his arms aro2nd me. Ryan tossed his >ac8et onto the 7iving room chair and immediate7y pic8ed 2p my g2itar. .So: what were yo2 p7aying34 he as8ed. .!othing rea77y:4 I admitted. Be started to p7ay a 7itt7e b72esy t2ne. .I miss my g2itar. I wish I had it with me: b2t I had it sent to my mom and dad=s a9ter the 7ast press to2r. I=m a7ways a9raid it=s going to get damaged or sto7en.4 ./hy don=t yo2 have yo2 parents send it o2t here34 I shr2gged. .I tho2ght abo2t it b2t it can stay with the rest o9 my st299. )77 my wor7d7y possessions are in bo;es in my parent=s basement.4

.I remember yo2 te77ing me that yo2 2sed to have an apartment o2t in L.). So yo2 don=t have a p7ace there anymore34 I as8ed. .!o. I pac8ed 2p a77 my st299 be9ore I started 9i7ming the 9irst Seaside. I 9ig2red I=d be on 7ocation 9or seven*eight monthsH between 9i7ming Seaside and then 8eparation right a9ter that: what was the point to 8eep it a77 there. esides: I have no desire to 7ive in Ca7i9ornia anymore. I was p7anning on moving bac8 to the (ast Coast anyway:4 he stated. .I to7d yo2 that: didn=t I34 I was g7ad to hear him say that he wanted to 7ive on this side o9 the co2ntry again. .1eah: yo2 did.4 I nodded. .Bey: isn=t there s2pposed to be a m2sic store aro2nd here somewhere3 ?ne o9 the @)s said they saw a sign on one o9 the b2i7dings nearby.4 .There 2sed to be: b2t it has been c7osed 9or a whi7e now. There=s a big m2sic store abo2t thirty min2tes away tho2gh. /hy3 1o2 want to go there sometime34 .I was thin8ing I=d >2st b2y a new g2itar:4 he said cas2a77y. .?ne o9 these days i9 I can ever get there.4 Be grinned. .?r I can >2st stea7 this one 9rom yo2.4 Be str2mmed my g2itar with more 9orce. .It has a great so2nd.4 .I have a better idea * why don=t we >2st 8eep it here where it is sa9e and yo2 can visit it whenever yo2=d 7i8e. Bow does that so2nd34 I >o8ed. Be wrin87ed his nose at me. .So: what=s a @)34 I as8ed. .?h: it=s short 9or prod2ction assistant:4 he said: 7i8e I was s2pposed to 8now what their >ob was. .)nd they do what34 .)77 sorts o9 things.4 Be shr2gged. .That c7ears it 2p per9ect7y:4 I said sarcastica77y. .They wor8 9or the )0s.4 Be grinned: 8nowing he was messing with me. .?h. So they m2st ! C the 55s on B ? with L?Ls: right34 Be started 7a2ghing hard. .(;act7yE4 .Aot it. It=s a77 c7ear as m2d now.4 .?8ay:4 he retreated. .)re yo2 ready 9or yo2r ne;t 7esson: -s. -itche7734 Be stopped p7aying my g2itar 9or a moment. .)0 stands 9or )ssistant 0irector.

They=re responsib7e 9or st299 7i8e the shooting sched27e: yo2 8now: what we=re doing 9or the day. They a7so trac8 o2r dai7y progress: ma8ing s2re that we=re 8eeping 2p with the overa77 prod2ction sched27e. Some o9 the )0s ma8e s2re the cast and crew is where they=re s2pposed to be * st299 7i8e that. The @)s: or @rod2ction )ssistants: rea77y do a77 sorts o9 st299. Some wor8 with the 9i7m crew: others are r2nning st299 aro2nd the set: de7ivering paperwor8 or te77ing me to get o2t o9 my trai7er. I co27dn=t even begin to te77 yo2 how many )0s and @)s we have on this 9i7m * 7oads.4 .So when is the <2iD34 I as8ed >o8ing7y. .I=d 7i8e some advanced warning so I have time to st2dy 9irst.4 .SoonE Fery soonE4 he stated: str2mming over the strings to croon his words. .I haven=t decided whether it wi77 be ora7 or written tho2gh.4 I de9inite7y pic8ed 2p on his hints. The more he contin2ed to p7ay my g2itar: the more I was wi77ing to go a7ong with >2st abo2t anything he s2ggested. I 7i8ed the 7itt7e 9acia7 e;pressions he made when he p7ayedC how his eyes wo27d scr2nch c7osed or his 7ips wo27d twitch to the beat. -y eyes trave7ed down the tendon in his nec8C how tasty it 7oo8ed connecting to his co77arbone. Bis gray T*shirt obsc2red the rest o9 the view. I >2st abo2t 7ost my mind when he 7ic8ed his own 7ips. .Bere yo2 go:4 he said: handing me the g2itar. .1o2r t2rn.4 I was so daDed by my own tho2ghts that I >2st sat their 7i8e a 72mp 9or a 9ew seconds. ./hat34 he as8ed: 7oo8ing at me 92nny. I 8new I was s2pposed to reach 9or the g2itar b2t my arms didn=t respond. .BereH p7ay:4 he 8ind7y 2rged. /hen I regained the 2se o9 my 7imbs: I p7ayed a 9avorite song o9 mine: b2t my 9ingers messed 2p. I tried to start over: getting the chords right the second time. Ryan wrapped his 9ingers aro2nd the nec8 o9 my g2itar and removed it 9rom my 7ap. Be carried it over to its stand. Ta78 abo2t a s2bt7e hintE I g2ess I rea77y b2tchered the song. .I=m sorry:4 I m2ttered: abashed by his actions. ./as I that bad34 Be shoo8 his head and p277ed me 2p 9rom the co2ch by my hands. /itho2t saying a word he scooped me 2p in his arms and 8issed me as he carried me down the ha77way. It was sti77 dar8 in my bedroom when Ryan=s ce77 phone a7arm beeped. I 9e7t him stir: ro77ing over to stop its chime. I opened my s7eepy eyes and 7oo8ed at the timeC my a7arm

c7oc8 disp7ayed $"%0. Ryan 7et o2t a groan and sat 2p on the edge o9 the bed: retrieving his c7othing 9rom my bedroom 97oor. I ran my 9ingertips down his spine to 7et him 8now I was awa8e. .-orning sweetheart:4 he 2ttered <2iet7y. Be 7eaned bac8 on me and 8issed my 7ips so9t7y: sweeping my hair o99 my chee8. I br2shed my hand over his de9ined chest. .I have to get going:4 he said with a 9rown. .I 8now:4 I whispered: saddened by the tho2ght. I t2rned the sec2rity a7arm o99 and peered both ways down the dar8ened a77eyway. (ach end o9 the narrow road was i772minated by street7ights. It appeared that the entire town: inc72ding the birds: was sti77 s7eeping. .I don=t see anyone o2t there. The coast 7oo8s c7ear.4 .?8ay. I=77 ca77 yo2 7ater.4 Be h2gged and 8issed me goodbye. I craw7ed bac8 into bed and p277ed his pi77ow to my chest: en>oying the so9t scent o9 his co7ogne that sti77 7ingered on the pi77owcase.

.1o2=re whist7ing:4 -arie said as she tapped a pitcher o9 beer 9or a waiting c2stomer. .Sorry. I=77 stop:4 I apo7ogiDed to her: 9earing it was annoying. .That wi77 be two do77ars: sir.4 I smi7ed at the o7der gent7eman that I >2st served. -arie=s eyes g7ared at me. ./hist7ing3 (;treme7y good mood3 Be was here 7ast night: wasn=t he34 she acc2sed. I co27dn=t hide my smi7e. .-aybeE4 .!o wonder yo2 t2rned me down when I o99ered to come over.4 -arie n2dged me in the sho27der. .It wasn=t p7anned: be7ieve meE4 ./hen he ca77s: as8 him what he did with a77 the cobwebs. /e need to ma8e more hats 9or the needy:4 she said dry7y. .?r did he ca77 yo2 a7ready today34 I smir8ed: secret7y ac8now7edging that I spo8e to him ear7ier at 72nchtime and again mid a9ternoon.

-arie grabbed my e7bow and 2ttered her words private7y. .I9 yo2 screw this re7ationship 2p I swear I wi77 8i77 yo2 myse79E4 . e7ieve me: I=m trying not toE4 I con9irmed: ret2rning to washing a 9ew dirty g7asses in the sin8. .So are yo2 seeing him 7ater3 I co27d c7ose 9or yo2 i9 we=re not that b2sy:4 -arie o99ered. I wished I co27d ta8e her 2p on that: b2t Ryan had other ob7igations. .Be=s catching the redeye to !ewar8 tonight. Be has an interview and a dinner meeting in -anhattan tomorrow.4 -arie gave me a <2estioning 7oo8. .Be=s doing a 7itt7e press 9or his 7ast 9i7m:4 I m2ttered. I saw the 7ight b27b go o99 in her head. .?h: 8eparation: right34 I 7a2ghed 7ight7y 9rom the abs2rdity o9 her 8nowing so many detai7s abo2t my boy9riend=s 7i9e. Ryan: o9 co2rse: ca77ed me 7ater that evening. So: are yo2 a77 pac8ed 9or yo2r trip34 I as8ed. .)7most. I=m pac8ing right now. I wish I didn=t have to go to -anhattan: b2t at 7east it=s a short 97ight 9rom here. 1o2 9o2nd my sched27e: right34 I smi7ed. Ryan cared 9or me to the point that he wanted me to 8now his entire sched27e: and this was the second time he as8ed me i9 I had it. .1es: I have it on the re9rigerator. Bope9277y yo2 can s7ip thro2gh the airport 2nnoticed.4 .That=s the p7anE4 he stated e;2berant7y. I grabbed his sched27e to review it again. /ednesday morning he had an appearance on an ear7y morning show at seven. )t one p.m. he had a photo shoot: and then 7ast on his agenda was a dinner meeting with his manager and some prod2cer 7ater that evening. Be had an ear7y 97ight bac8 to Rhode Is7and Th2rsday morning. .This sched27e says yo2 have to be bac8 on set on Th2rsday. IeeD: did they even 9actor in a bathroom brea8 here anywhere34 I groaned. I wondered how he co27d stand 7iving s2ch a hectic 7i9e. Be 7a2ghed. .!o. I have to ho7d itE4

.)ccording to this sched27e: it 7oo8s 7i8e yo2 can go to the bathroom on Sat2rday aro2nd eight p.m.4 .I=77 have to resched27e that. I=m hoping to have other p7ans:4 Ryan stated: 7i8e we were having a b2siness meeting. .The interview on /ednesday is rea77y ear7y in the morning:4 he groaned. .That=s going to be the 8i77er.4 .0o yo2 8now what <2estions they are going to as8: or do they >2st spring their <2estions on yo234 I wondered. I pict2red him having to answer on the 97y and how nerve rac8ing that m2st be to come 2p with coherent rep7ies. .Sometimes they give yo2 an idea o9 what they=re going to as8: b2t most o9 the time it=s >2st 2nscripted banter. (very one o9 these interviews is pretty m2ch the same. Te77 2s abo2t the movie: what=s it abo2t: how does it 9ee7 to be p7aying that character. It=s a77 <2ite m2ndane.4 .That is 2nti7 they as8 yo2 those 2ncom9ortab7e: persona7 <2estions:4 I >o8ed. .I noticed yo2 r2b yo2r 9orehead when yo2 don=t 7i8e the <2estion.4 .I do what34 he as8ed in<2isitive7y. .1o2 r2b yo2r 9orehead. /hen yo2 get 2ncom9ortab7e or 2pset yo2 r2b yo2r 9orehead. 1o2 probab7y don=t even rea7iDe yo2=re doing it.4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t tease him. .So te77 2s: RyanH4 I started: 2sing my best 9a8e ta78*show host voice. .)77 the women in the a2dience want to 8now what type o9 2nderwear yo2=re wearing right now. ?rH everyone wants to 8now i9 yo2 are dating someone. 1o2 s<2irm in yo2r chair and then yo2 r2b yo2r 9orehead. It=s yo2r tell.4 .-y what34 he 7a2ghed. .1o2r te77: yo2 8now3 Li8e when yo2=re p7aying po8er3 It=s that 2nconscio2s movement or action that 7ets everyone 8now yo2=re b7299ing.4 .?h: tell. 1eah: I 8now what that means. Areat: now I=m rea77y going to be se79* conscio2s on stage. !ot on7y do I have to worry abo2t the st2pid <2estions and my m2mb7ing answers: I=77 be worrying abo2t to2ching my 9ace and giving my secrets away.4 .I=m sorry: I didn=t mean to ma8e it worse.4 It was hard to p7ead and s2ppress a 7a2gh at the same time. .I s2ppose I need a new gest2re then: h2h34

./hy don=t yo2 r2b yo2r midd7e 9inger across yo2r eyebrow i9 yo2 don=t 7i8e his <2estion3 That o2ght to be good 9or ratings.4 Be was 7a2ghing too hard to rep7y. .See: yo2 7i8e my ideasE4 I 7a2ghed with him. .1eah: I doE 2t I a7so reca77 yo2 did the same gest2re to me onceE4 ./e77: pic8 another one then. 2t yo2=77 have to 7et me 8now what yo2r new gest2re is so I can watch 9or it.4 .Let me thin8 abo2t that 9or a min2te. There are so many s2bt7e movements I co27d ma8e that no one wo27d notice. I 7i8e thisE It=s so evi7E ?8ay: 7et me thin8H .)77 right: I got one. I=77 scratch my chin i9 I rea77y want to te77 him to go to Be77. Bow does that so2nd34 I 7a2ghed. .So2nds goodE !o one wi77 even notice. So what does the r2bbing yo2r 9orehead and scratching yo2r chin at the same time mean34 .0on=t be a smart assE4 he bantered bac8. .)nd i9 he as8s me i9 I have a gir79riend: o9 co2rse I have to deny it to 8eep my private 7i9e a secret: b2t how abo2t I=77 to2ch my nose with my 9inger so yo2 8now I=m 7ying34 I 9e7t my heart s8ip a beat when he said the word girlfriend% .So: yo2 have a gir79riend3 0o I 8now her34 I as8ed: 9oo7ing with him. .0on=t ma8e me hang 2p on yo2E4 he threatened. .!o: I rea77y want to 8now. Is she hot34 I >o8ed. .!o: she=s not hot.4 Be pa2sed be9ore changing his tone. .I=d say she=s moreH irresistib7y bea2ti927 and incredib7y se;y * than hot. )nd I=m insane7y craDy abo2t her so watch what yo2 say.4 ./ow:4 I breathed o2t as I 9e7t the b7ood r2sh 9rom my head. .Aood thing I don=t 8now her. I=m getting rea77y >ea7o2s.4 ./e77: i9 yo2 rea77y 9ee7 the need to con9ront her: go 7oo8 in the mirror. I=77 wait.4 I didn=t 8now what to say. I was comp7ete7y astonished. -y mo2th was hanging open 7i8e a 9ish o2t o9 water. ./hy: -s. -itche77E )re yo2 speech7ess34 he teased. .1es. Comp7ete7y.4 .Aood. !ow whi7e yo2=re st2nned into si7ence: I=m gonna get going. I want to try

and s7eep 9or two ho2rs be9ore I have to 97y.4 .?8ay: have 92n and be care927 in !ew 1or8.4 .I=77 try. I have o99 S2nday and -onday: i9 I read the sched27e right:4 he yawned. .I=m 9rea8ing tired. It won=t ta8e me 7ong to 9a77 as7eep: even tho2gh I don=t have my 9avorite pi77ow to wrap my arm aro2nd. 2t this wee8end: I=m rea77y 7oo8ing 9orward to 9i;ing thatE I=77 ca77 yo2 9rom !ew 1or8 when I get a brea8: o8ay3 Aood night: sweetheart. @7easant dreams.4

The s2nrays were >2st starting to beam thro2gh my window when my a7arm c7oc8 chimed. '"$$ a.m. 97ashed in 7arge red n2mbers as my eyes ad>2sted to the 7ight. @art o9 me wanted to hit the snooDe b2tton and en>oy ten more min2tes o9 s7eep: b2t the other part wanted desperate7y to see him again. I 9e7t I needed to connect with his ce7ebrity 7i9e. I wanted to 8now what his 7i9e was 7i8e when he wasn=t wa78ing aro2nd bare9oot in my apartment. I9 I was going to 7ove him honest7y: 9277y: and comp7ete7y: I had to 8now a77 the 9acets o9 who he was and embrace them a77 e<2a77y. I c2r7ed 2p on the co2ch and rapid7y 97ipped thro2gh the channe7s 2nti7 I 9o2nd the right networ8 9or the morning show. I 9rowned when I had to end2re severa7 min2tes o9 commercia7s. )s tired as I was I co27d on7y imagine that Ryan was >2st as tired: i9 not more. I had the 72;2ry o9 >2st wa8ing 2p and 7o2nging in my pa>amas. Be: no do2bt: had a7ready been 2p 9or an ho2r or so and was probab7y st2c8 in some ma8e2p chair having a team o9 sty7ists 92ss over his wardrobe and hair whi7e powdering his 9ace to hide his sheen. 5ou poor bastard: I tho2ght to myse79 as a smi7e bro8e on my 9ace. )es probably s2uirming in the hair right now. ?9 co2rse they waited 2nti7 the 7ast ten min2tes o9 the show to bring him o2t. The other 9orty min2tes were coated in teasing pict2res: video c7ips: and a 9ew h2ndred .7ater on in the show4 7ead*ins. Ryan smi7ed and waved to the a2dience as he made his way to the open chair on the stage. Be was so 9rea8ing handsome in a dar8 tweed >ac8et over a dar8 gray b2tton down

shirt that h2ng o2t over his pants. Be had st2bb7e growing on his 9ace and he grimaced when the 9ema7e a2dience screamed 9or him. ) 9ew women ye77ed .I 7ove yo24 as he was ta8ing his seat: and >2st 7i8e on c2e: he r2bbed his 9orehead. The host ro77ed right into as8ing those standard <2estions abo2t his 7atest movie and I 7a2ghed when he as8ed Ryan to te77 everyone what the movie is abo2t. Be shoo8 his head as he smi7ed and I co27d: as c7ear as a be77: hear the comments that were being made in his s2bconscio2s. Be was right * every one o9 these ta78 shows was identica7. It was a9ter the 9irst commercia7 brea8 when the host got to the mi77ion*do77ar <2estion 6 was he dating anyone. I 97ew o99 the co2ch and stood right in 9ront o9 the TF: dying to 8now how he wo27d hand7e answering. Ryan=s eyes 7oo8ed down 9or a second and he ch2c87ed a bit to himse79. )s he 7oo8ed 2p at the camera he shoo8 his head and stated with a dead*on po8er 9ace: .!o: I=m not seeing anyone. I rea77y don=t have time to even ta78 to anyone.4 )nd then he did it. /ith a coc8y smir8 on his 7ips: he raised his right hand and r2bbed his 9ingers down his nose. Bis 9ingers then comp7eted the motion by r2bbing and scratching his chin. I2st then I bro8e o2t into my own private hysterics. It was sti77 ear7y in the morning when Ryan ca77ed. Be had >2st 9inished the interview and had some spare time be9ore having to head to another st2dio to have his pict2re ta8en repeated7y. ./hat are yo2 doing now34 I as8ed whi7e 7o2nging in bed. . eing photographed and 9i7med whi7e wa78ing down the sidewa78:4 he groaned. .It is e;citing news: yo2 8now: that I can wa78 in a straight 7ine. 0amnH4 he breathed o2t. ./hat34 I 9roDe. .)hh: I >2st dropped the papers I had in my hand. Areat: they=re ta8ing pict2res o9 me pic8ing crap 2p o99 the sidewa78. 1eah: hi: than8s: >2st one day.4 I co27d hear the crowd aro2nd him as8ing <2estions and he was giving them <2ic8 answers. @eop7e were as8ing 9or his a2tograph over and over again and to ta8e their pict2re with him. .1o2=ve been here since two a.m.3 1o2=re craDyE4 I heard him say to a 9ema7e 9an. .Tar 6 hang on a second.4

.Ryan: Ryan can I get a pict2re with yo2 too34 .Ryan over here.4 It so2nded 7i8e he was getting mobbed. I heard what so2nded 7i8e his sec2rity team instr2cting the crowd to bac8 2p and give -r. Christensen some space. .!o: yo2 a7ready got one 9rom him:4 I heard a man=s voice say. ./hy do yo2 want me to sign this3 It wi77 r2in itE4 Ryan as8ed some 9an. I heard some gir7=s voice begging him. .?8ay: yo2 a7ready got two a2tographs:4 the 2n8nown ma7e voice instr2cted again. (vent2a77y I heard a car door s7am and he breathed o2t a sigh o9 re7ie9. .-ar7a: wo27d yo2 p7ease hand me that soda. Than8s. )77 right: now I can ta78 again. Sorry. This is 2nbe7ievab7e:4 he m2ttered. .)re yo2 sti77 there34 .1eah: I=m sti77 here.4 .I can=t be7ieve that gir7 wanted me to sign her vio7inE I sho27d have said no.4 I heard a woman=s voice in the bac8gro2nd ta78ing to Ryan. .Bey: it=s not my prob7em i9 that=s not her vio7in. )nd i9 it=s damaged now: that=s not my 9a27t. Can I re92se to sign st299 i9 it=s not a pict2re or a boo8 or something34 I co27dn=t ma8e o2t what the woman said to Ryan. .Can yo2 imagine what 0avid wo27d say to me i9 he got a bi77 9or a vio7in3 1o2r c7ient r2ined my Stradivari2sE4 I scramb7ed 9or something to say. .Bey: did yo2 ever get a birthday gi9t 9or yo2r mom34 I as8ed: remembering the circ2mstances that 7ed to the day we 9irst met. .!o. ShitH than8s 9or reminding me. I comp7ete7y 9orgot.4 ./e77 whi7e yo2=re in !ew 1or8: I=m s2re yo2 can 9ind something nice there. (ither that or yo2 can 9ind something here.4 .It doesn=t matter. /hat sho27d I get her34 .)nything a man wo27d hate to have to pic8 o2t on his own34 I >o8ed with him. .I don=t 8nowH >ewe7ry: per92me: a new p2rse3 /hat do yo2 thin8 she=d appreciate34 .Iewe7ry:4 he rep7ied. .I=ve never gotten my mom per92me. I=m a77ergic to most o9 them. Let me ta8e care o9 this now whi7e I=m thin8ing o9 it. I have a dinner meeting at seven. I=77 ca77 yo2 a9ter that.4 .?8ay. Bave 92n.4 I was sad to hang 2p with him. Later that evening: -arie 97ipped thro2gh the channe7s on the TF 2nti7 she 9o2nd the

evening entertainment news. -y attention was capt2red when: in the 9irst min2te o9 the show: they ran over the high7ights o9 what was to come in tonight=s episode and Ryan=s pict2re was 97ashed on the screen. I t2rned 2p the vo72me when his story was 9eat2red. .Tonights e0 lusive> 8yan ta"es on $ew 5or"% The hot, young star was spotted today as he was leaving the (ood Morning $ew 5or" show in Manhattan% The busy a tor was aught multi+tas"ing, tal"ing on his ell phone while signing autographs for fans% When as"ed how long hed be in Manhattan, the se0y star replied ?!ust one day% 8yan is in town to promote his latest film, 8eparation, due to be released in April% .7ater today he was spotted entering The .iamond 60 hange on trendy Par" Avenue where he reportedly pur hased several gifts% 7oo" out, ladies! Theres no denying his on+s reen hemistry and reported hoo"+ups with his leading ladies% 8umors have been ir ulating that hes romanti ally involved with Su=anne Strass who is starring again with 8yan on the se ond installment in the Seaside fran hise% Insiders have reported that the two have been 2uite friendly between ta"es% Perhaps things are getting steamy between them off+ amera# We will "eep you posted as this story develops%: There he was * capt2red in moving pict2res on my te7evision. I noticed a ta77: thin woman with short b7ac8 hair hovering aro2nd Ryan whi7e he signed a2tographs and then I saw him sign the vio7in. I pres2med the woman was -ar7a. She got into the sedan with Ryan. /hi7e the wor7d wanted any tidbit o9 news on his 7i9e: he was recorded whi7e on the phone that very moment ta78ing to me. ) big grin 97ashed across my 7ips. ?h how I 7oved my 7itt7e secret. ./hat are yo2 smi7ing abo2t34 -arie as8ed: brea8ing me 9rom my private reverie. .Be was on the phone with me when that was 9i7med.4 I smi7ed: nodding to the te7evision. It was appa77ing how the gossip and news shows embe77ished 97at*o2t 7ies abo2t him and his co*stars. !o wonder he had to be so care927. )ny s7ip was 9odder 9or the media: which was spread 7i8e wi7d9ire and be7ieved by mi77ions. I had my reasons 9or being hesitant: b2t now I had another reminder why he had to be hesitant too. Be was a constant moving target.

Chapter 1, - Date

.So what are yo2 2p to34 Ryan as8ed when he ca77ed me on his 72nch brea8 on 5riday. .I=mH shopping.4 -y tone was de9inite7y mischievo2s. Be 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .1o2 so2nd 7i8e yo2=re 2p to no good.4 .-aybe. I=m hoping I have a date this wee8end and I wanted to get something nice to wear. Bey: yo2=re a g2y. Let me as8 yo2H do g2ys 7i8e rea77y short dresses or wi77 a new pair o9 >eans wor834 .That depends. /here is yo2r date ta8ing yo234 he snic8ered in my ear. .!owhere. Be=s 8ind o9 shy and very private. I=m happy to >2st stay home and 8eep him warm and sa9e. -aybe spoi7 him a 7itt7e3 I co27d probab7y get away with a 7itt7e tan8 top and sti7ettos b2t I=d rea77y 7i8e to impress him. 0o yo2 have any s2ggestions34 I was thoro2gh7y en>oying toying with him. .Bow abo2t a very sma77 towe73 I 8now most g2ys 7i8e when women wear towe7s. Something abo2t the convenience o9 it that=s appea7ing 6 yo2 a7ways have a p7ace to dry yo2r hands.4 .Towe7s3 Bmm.4 Be de9inite7y ca2ght me o99*g2ard with that one: b2t I was g7ad he was p7aying a7ong. .?h 7oo8 6 Fictoria=s Secret is having a towe7 sa7e todayE Imagine thatE So in yo2r e;pert opinion: what olor towe7s do men pre9er34 .Co7or isn=t important. The 7ess snaps and 9asteners the better. Towe7s sho27d not be comp7icated:4 he said cas2a77y. .1o2 have a good point. This man I=m hoping to see 7ives a very hectic 7i9e. I=d hate to add to his stress 7eve7 with additiona7 comp7ications. -aybe I=77 >2st b2y this snap*7ess b7ac8 towe7 here. Top it o99 with some thigh*high ny7ons: thong perhaps: a7tho2gh panties are optiona7H and hee7s. Bow does that so2nd34

.So what night is this date3 I don=t want to ca77 yo2 at an inconvenient time.4 I heard him 7a2gh 2nder his breath. .I=m not s2re:4 I rep7ied. .Be=s a very b2sy man. 2t I=m going to get a variety o9 towe7s >2st in case he=s dirty and needs to be washed. I=m thin8ing that might he7p red2ce his stress 7eve7.4 .1o2 rea7iDe I=m d2e bac8 on set in 7i8e twenty min2tes3 0o yo2 have any idea o9 the damage yo2 have ca2sed34 he grow7ed at me. .I have ha79 a mind to 7eave here and brea8 down yo2r bac8 door: b2t I=m a9raid I can=t go anywhere in p2b7ic in my c2rrent state.4 .I=m sorry. 0id I raise yo2r stress 7eve734 I as8ed. .I >2st want to be c7ear abo2t yo2r c2rrent state.4 .Fery m2ch soE4 he con9irmed. .Then I g2ess we=re even.4 -y 9ingers dri9ted over severa7 7acy bras: imagining his reaction to seeing me wear something 7i8e this. .(ven3 Te77 me when I in97icted this 8ind o9 pain on yo2 witho2t 9inishing yo2 o99E4 I tho2ght abo2t the 9irst time he made my body ting7e. .The morning when yo2 p7ayed yo2r song on my g2itar. I de9inite7y: de9inite7y had an 2nsatis9ied moment there.4 .Rea77y3 InterestingE I wo27d not have g2essed that. It=s good to 8now: tho2gh. 1o2 sort o9 had the same a99ect on me the other night:4 Ryan admitted. ./hen34 I as8ed: s2rprised to hear that. .-onday night when yo2 p7ayed. /hy do yo2 thin8 I too8 the g2itar o2t o9 yo2r hand so <2ic87y3 I co27dn=t thin8 straight anymoreE4 Be 7a2ghed. .I a7most tore the g2itar o2t o9 your hands that same nightE I was thin8ing abo2t chewing on yo2r nec8:4 I whispered sed2ctive7y. .?8ay: so yo2 have to ta78 abo2t something e7se beca2se I am not in good shape right now:4 he groaned. .That=s debatab7e.4 .StopE4 he p7eaded. I tried to come 2p with benign conversation. It was di99ic27t as I was wa78ing thro2gh a 7ingerie store 9i77ed with na2ghty: 9ri77y things. .1o2 so2nd e;ha2sted:4 I breathed. .I am. It=s been a 7ong day a7ready and we=re 9i7ming night scenes tonight.4

.Crash in yo2r trai7er 9or a whi7e:4 I s2ggested. .1o2 read my mind:4 he whispered. .Sometime between three and seven I=m t2rning my phone o99 to s7eep.4 I spent <2ite a 9ew do77ars on si78: satin: and 7ace in di99erent h2es. It had been a 7ong time since I 9e7t inc7ined to: 9or 7ac8 o9 better terms: dress to impress: so I got carried away whi7e shopping * 9or him. -y mind wandered over o2r conversation: and pict2ring that he was aro2sed beca2se o9 it provided a 7ot o9 incentive to b2y even more. I a7so spent more than I wo27d have 7i8ed to on two simp7e b2t taste9277y adorab7e coc8tai7 dresses" one was b7ac8 satin sheathed in b7ac8 7ace and another in a 2ni<2e shade o9 sapphire b72e: >2st in case. -y wardrobe serio2s7y 7ac8ed 9orma7 wear as there was never an occasion to get dressed 2p: nor had I ever entertained the tho2ghts o9 going o2t in p2b7ic with a man 7i8e Ryan. I a7so tho2ght abo2t meeting his parents. That wo27d de9inite7y be an occasion to 7oo8 my best. I bo2ght myse79 a 7ot o9 new things so I=d have new wardrobe options. That night: -arie 97ipped the te7evision bac8 to the entertainment news: m2ch to the dismay o9 severa7 o9 my ma7e c2stomers who were en>oying watching the sports high7ights. -y heart san8 when I heard tonight=s head7ines. .Ryan=s steamy -anhattan hoo8*2p4 was a77 I needed to hear to send my emotions into a downward spira7. @ict2res o9 him dressed in a s2it with his arm aro2nd some gir7 were 97ashed a77 over the screen. She was yo2ng: attractive: and there: with him: in pict2res. )nd then I 9e7t the e;treme b2rn o9 >ea7o2sy ro77 thro2gh me as my phone rang. .Bi. /hat34 I answered. -y voice de9inite7y so2nded pert2rbed. .Taryn3 /hat=s wrong34 he as8ed. .)re yo2 o8ay34 .!o: not rea77y:4 I gr2mb7ed. ./hy3 /hat=s going on34 .-arie t2rned on Ce7ebrity Tonight:4 I m2ttered. .I sho27d have warned yo2.4 .It doesn=t matter.4 The damage was a7ready done. .1es: it does matterE4 he breathed o2t. .1o2 can=t be7ieve anything yo2 see or hear abo2t me. @7easeE 1o2 promisedE The gir7 in the pict2re is the da2ghter o9 the prod2cer. I to7d yo2 he bro2ght her to dinner.4

.!o: Ryan * stop. I2st stopH p7ease:4 I whispered. Be breathed o2t a heavy sigh. .Then why are yo2 so 2pset34 he as8ed point b7an8. I >2st h299ed in 9r2stration. .1o2 as8ed me to tr2st yo2. That goes both ways.4 .Ryan: stop. That=s not why I=m mad. I >2st hate how the media embe77ishes the tr2th with 7ies. I wish they wo27dn=t say that 8ind o9 st299 abo2t yo2:4 I sighed. I co27dn=t bring myse79 to te77 him the tr2e reason I was 2pset. Be 7a2ghed so9t7y. .Tar: yo2 8now it=s not tr2e.4 I 8new why he didn=t want me e;posed: b2t at the same time I wanted to be by his side: s2pporting him. -aybe i9 the wor7d 8new he had a gir79riend they wo27dn=t spea8 7ies. -aybe i9 it was me in those pict2resH maybe i9 he >2st anno2nced on the morning show that he was dating someone instead o9 denying itH .I 8now it=s not tr2e. I=m trying. It=s hard not to be a 7itt7e >ea7o2s when yo2=re pict2red on TF with someone e7se:4 I m2rm2red. ./e77 i9 yo2=re done being 2pset:4 he said: 2nr2997ed: .I was wondering i9 yo2 might 7i8e to p2t on one o9 yo2r new dresses tomorrow night.4 Sat2rday co27d not come 9ast eno2gh. I made arrangements with -arie and @ete to ta8e care o9 things and I was g7ad that I didn=t have entertainment boo8ed 9or the evening. Cory was wor8ing tonight with -arie: so the bar was covered. Ryan had o99ered to send a car 9or me: b2t I didn=t want to have to e;p7ain it or raise anyone=s s2spicions 6 especia77y the paparaDDi=s. I gathered that he wanted o2r evening to start o99 with a certain 7eve7 o9 c7ass: b2t he sided with me to 8eep it more secretive. /e agreed that I wo27d drive to meet him at the same par8ing 7ot behind the te;ti7e mi77 where I had once dropped him o99: and we wo27d go 9rom there. I s7ipped on my new b72e dress over a matching b72e strap7ess 7ace and si78 panties set. The dress had de7icate straps with rhinestone detai7s where the straps met the satin top: which accent2ated my c2rves. I decided against the ny7ons and opted 9or bare 7egs and high hee7s. It was co7d o2tsideC my dress wo27d be hidden 9or a whi7e 2nder a dress coat 2nti7 we got to wherever we were going. -y big revea7 wo27d have to wait. ?2r destination was dinner: b2t I had no idea where. That too: was a secret. /hen I arrived at the 7ot: there was a b7ac8 sedan with tinted windows waiting 9or

me. )s I par8ed my car: a man I did not 8now came to my door and opened it 9or me. .Aood evening: -s. -itche77. -y name is Richard. -r. Christensen has re<2ested that I 8eep yo2r car sec2red 2nti7 yo2 ret2rn.4 Be he7d o2t his hand 9or me as I e;ited my car. .-ay I have yo2r car 8eys: p7ease3 1o2r car wi77 be de7ivered here 2pon yo2r ret2rn:4 he ass2red me. .This way p7ease.4 Be motioned 9or me to 9o77ow him to the sedan. Richard he7d the sedan door open: and as I peered inside: the bac8 seat was empty * a77 e;cept 9or one 7ong*stemmed red rose. -y eyes 97ashed bac8 to RichardC I was comp7ete7y con92sed and I hoped he wo27d give me an e;p7anation. Be smi7ed and motioned with his hand 9or me to get in the car. There were two men sitting in the 9ront seatC the driver and a 7arger man who I ass2med was sec2rity: a7tho2gh he was dressed in a s2it. .Aood evening: -s. -itche77:4 the b2r7y man greeted me. .-y name is )nthony. I wi77 be escorting yo2 sa9e7y to yo2r destination tonight.4 .Aood evening: )nthony:4 I rep7ied. .It=s nice to meet yo2.4 -y mind wandered with tho2ghts o9 where I co27d possib7y end 2p tonight. /here are they ta8ing me3 /e drove so2th a7ong the coast 9or a7most an ho2r 2nti7 the car t2rned towards the ocean. The sedan entered a marina and stopped a7ong the doc8s where severa7 7arge yachts were moored. It was then that I rea7iDed 9or o2r 9irst o99icia7 date: Ryan chartered a yacht. 3nbelievable I tho2ght to myse79 as my persona7 bodyg2ard opened my door. .This way: p7ease: -s. -itche77.4 /e passed severa7 h2ge yachtsC they seemed to get bigger and bigger as we approached. I watched care9277y where I stepped 9or I was navigating the wooden doc8 in high hee7s and I was a9raid to get a hee7 ca2ght between the p7an8s. )nthony directed me to a s7ip where we t2rned to board a state7y yacht named the .0ay 0reamer.4 It was beyond magni9icent. The rows o9 windows were b7ac8 as night and re97ected the waves that ro77ed into the doc8s. -y heart was po2nding with nervo2sness and e;citement. I hadn=t even seen him yet and this was by 9ar the best date I=d ever been on in my 7i9e. I crossed over the gangway to board the boat and as my eyes 7i9ted I saw Ryan standing there in the moon7ight: waiting 9or me. Be reached o2t his hand to ta8e mineC he had the most bea2ti927 grin on his 9ace.

.Bey yo2:4 he sighed then so9t7y 8issed me. I >2st smi7ed and shoo8 my head at him in disbe7ie9. ./hat do yo2 thin834 he as8ed with a smir8 on his 9ace. .This is 2nbe7ievab7eE4 I breathed o2t. .I=m speech7essE4 .Let=s go in where it=s warm.4 Be 7ed me by the hand thro2gh the ornate g7ass doors. Inside the c7osed cabin the 7ights were s7ight7y dimmed: casting a bea2ti927 h2e on the marb7e and g7ass interior. The par7or was more e7aborate than any 9ive star hote7 co27d ever hope to be. The tapestries and dPcor were a77 shades o9 brown and r2st * so warm and inviting. L2sh 97ora7 arrangements o9 roses and 7i7ies adorned the tab7es and the air was per92med with their scent. So9t: re7a;ing m2sic p7ayed over the so2nd system. .Can I ta8e yo2r coat34 Ryan as8ed: stepping behind me. I s7ow7y 2n9astened the b2ttonsC Ryan=s hands s7ipped the woo7 o99 my bare sho27ders. Be handed my coat to an awaiting steward who disappeared <2ic87y 9rom the room. I did a s7ow t2rn to 9ace him. .1o2 are abso72te7y st2nning:4 Ryan said so9t7y. Be was wearing a dar8 s2it and a white b2tton*down shirt. It was the 9irst time I saw him dressed 2p. Be was 9resh7y shaven and wearing that co7ogne that a7ways into;icated me. .1o2=re <2ite breathta8ing yo2rse79E4 I smi7ed bac8 to him. Be 2shered me towards the center o9 the yacht where a magni9icent staircase 7ed to the 2pper and 7ower dec8s. Ai7ded mirrors and artwor8 h2ng 9rom the wa77s. /e passed an ornate bar and a sma77 ga77ey on o2r way towards the bow o9 the yacht. The 9ront sa7on was decorated in h2es o9 b72e and beige: with two semi*circ7e so9as dominating the centra7 area. The entire room was c7ad in windows a77owing a panoramic view o9 the moon7it ocean. ?ver7oo8ing the bow was a magni9icent mahogany dining tab7e set e7egant7y with two p7ace settings. Rea7 si7ver: crysta7 stemware: white china with an e;<2isite7y ta77 bo2<2et o9 9resh 97owers in the centerC it was a77 too per9ect. .Aood evening: sir. The captain wo27d 7i8e to 8now i9 yo2 are ready to depart34 one o9 the ship=s stewards as8ed Ryan.

.1es: p7ease:4 he gracio2s7y rep7ied. The ship=s engines h2mmed to 7i9e and I co27d see the crew p277ing in the ropes that sec2red 2s to the doc8s. I wa78ed over to the window to get a c7oser 7oo8 as we departed the s7ip. The moon was a7most 9277C 97299y c7o2ds dotted the night s8y: occasiona77y obsc2ring the moon 9rom view. /e wo27d have a per9ect night to be o2t on the ocean. Ryan stood behind meC his hands rested on my waist as he so9t7y 8issed my bare sho27der. .So: what do yo2 thin834 he whispered in my ear. .Fery impressive 9or a 9irst dateE4 I said enth2siastica77y. .It=s not o2r 9irst date. I9 I reca77 correct7y: you too8 me o2t on a boat 9or o2r 9irst date:4 Ryan 2ttered. .0o yo2 have any idea o9 how m2ch I wanted to 8iss yo2 when we were o2t on the 7a8e34 .I was thin8ing abo2t 8issing yo2 when we were on the dec8: act2a77y:4 I <2iet7y con9essed. .I a7most 8issed yo2 then too:4 he admitted. ./hy didn=t yo234 I wondered: 7oo8ing 2p into his eyes. .I hesitated and yo2 ran o99.4 Ryan sighed: appearing regret927. In a matter o9 moments: we were o2t on the open sea. The moon shone in the s8y 7i8e a beacon i772minating o2r way. .I rea77y 7i8e yo2r dress:4 he m2rm2red. Bis hand swept my hair to the side so he co27d so9t7y 8iss my nec8. I 9e7t his tong2e: his teeth: br2sh and graDe on my s8in. -y desire 9or him co27d no 7onger be contained. I t2rned in his armsC o2r eyes met and o2r 7ips 9o2nd each other. Bis strong hands pressed me c7oser to his chest. Be 8issed me passionate7y. -y 9ingers tang7ed in the bac8 o9 his hair as the intensity o9 o2r 8issing cons2med me. S7ow7y I s7id my hands down the 9ront o9 his shirt: across his waist: 2nti7 my 9ingers 9o2nd the bac8 poc8ets o9 his pants. ) so9t moan escaped his mo2th as I tensed my hands in his poc8etsC his warm hands he7d my 9ace to his. Bis 8iss became so9t and s7ower. I co27d spend an eternity 8issing this man. Ryan p277ed me into a warm embrace be9ore re7easing my 7ips 9rom his. Be had a sm2g grin on his 9ace.

?2r moment was interr2pted when the steward came bac8 in the room. .(;c2se me: sir. 0inner wi77 be ready in abo2t 9i9teen min2tes. Sha77 I bring yo2 a bott7e o9 champagne or wo27d yo2 pre9er wine34 .0o yo2 want champagne or wine be9ore dinner34 Ryan as8ed. .1o2 choose:4 I rep7ied. I wanted him to ma8e the decision. ./e=77 have the champagne:4 he answered. Ryan and I to2red the yacht be9ore dinnerC we wandered down the stairs to ta8e in the sights o9 the 7ower dec8. 0ar8: rich woods and designer wa77paper covered the ha77ways that 7ed to the staterooms. /e too8 t2rns pee8ing into the di99erent roomsC each room was decorated in di99erent patterns and co7ors. -y eyes mischievo2s7y g7anced at the door to the master s2ite: hoping to enco2rage him to stea7 away with me 9or a moment. Be 7a2ghed at me be9ore stating: .tempting: so very tempting: b2t o2r dinner wi77 get co7dE4 ?2r 9ab27o2s dinner was served in co2rses: and I was <2ite 9277 a9ter the prime rib. (verything was de7icio2sC it 9e7t 7i8e we ate 9or two ho2rs. 0essert wo27d have to wait. )9ter o2r p7ates were c7eared: an o7der man wearing a t2;edo >oined 2s in the sa7on. Be sat at the baby grand piano that graced the portside and proceeded to p7ay. Ryan stood 2p and he7d o2t his hand. .0ance with me:4 he whispered. Be too8 me in his arms and p7aced my hand in his as he s7ow7y t2rned 2s on the 97oor. Bis hand gent7y caressed the sma77 o9 my bac8C he rested o2r entwined hands on his chest. I whispered in his ear: .Than8 yo2 9or the best date o9 my 7i9e.4 Be didn=t comment. Be >2st raised his eyebrows a bit and smi7ed at me. I c7osed my eyes as o2r chee8s to2ched and rested together. ?2r bodies swayed to the m2sic. )nd every so o9ten: his 7ips wo27d reach mine. It was a7most midnight when the ship approached the doc8s. )s we disembar8ed the yacht: I noticed that the marina 7oo8ed tota77y di99erent. )nthony was waiting to escort 2s sa9e7y to o2r 7imo2sine. /hen we drove o2t o9 the marina I noted that the name on the sign was di99erentC this was not the same marina where I boarded the yacht: and we were headed northeast. Ryan gathered my hand in his as we sat in si7ence. .She77 game34 I m2rm2red.

Ryan >2st smi7ed and raised my hand to his 7ips. I p7aced o2r hands on my 7ap and he started to draw random patterns on the inside o9 my thigh with his 9ingertips. I was smo7dering in my own s8in. The 7imo p277ed into the empty par8ing 7ot and I co27d see my car waiting with Richard standing g2ard. /hen we were at a comp7ete stop: the driver and )nthony e;ited. I had anticipated my door to open a moment 7ater: b2t it didn=t. I g7anced bac8 at RyanC he 7oo8ed abso72te7y adorab7e sitting there smi7ing at me. .I hope yo2 had a good time tonight.4 Be smir8ed con9ident7y. -y hand was a7ready gripping the door hand7e to 7et myse79 o2t. I was con92sed * was this the good night: goodbye time3 ./hat34 he as8ed: obvio2s7y noting my e;pression. .I didn=t rea7iDe that this was the end o9 o2r evening:4 I m2ttered: adding a hint o9 p7ay927 disappointment to my tone. .I tho2ghtH4 I 7oo8ed away. .I g2ess I tho2ght wrong.4 .I don=t want it to be the end o9 o2r evening: b2t I don=t want to ass2me either:4 he spo8e so9t7y. .I tho2ght I was the one ass2mingE4 I gent7y smi7ed. .Let=s go.4 I motioned. .0rive 2s home.4 )s we e;ited the car: Ryan stopped to remove his bags 9rom the tr2n8 o9 the sedan. Be gave me an impish grin as he shr2gged. Be was 7i8e the 7itt7e boy ca2ght with his hand in the coo8ie >ar. I 9e7t a 7itt7e se79*conscio2s myse79: considering there were three witnesses to o2r indiscretion. Ryan didn=t seem to care. Be re7ieved Richard o9 my car 8eys witho2t a second tho2ght and opened the passenger door 9or me. .@277 down the a77ey:4 I instr2cted. .Then yo2 can hop o2t.4 .Son*o9*aH4 Ryan grow7ed. The head7ights o9 my car i772minated the a77ey: shining 7ight on the photographers hovering aro2nd my bac8 door. Be <2ic87y threw my car into reverse and bac8ed o2t into the street. Be drove down the street in 9ront o9 my p2bC paparaDDi were sta8ed o2t there as we77. Be sped past them: bare7y pa2sing at the stop sign. -y eyes were 9oc2sed on the anger on his 9ace. .Ryan: >2st p277 over:4 I whispered. Be drove another 9ew b7oc8s and p277ed into the par8ing 7ot o9 the 7oca7 grocery store.

Be 7ight7y po2nded his 9ists into my steering whee7. .Ryan: I=m ready 9or this: i9 yo2=re ready to be seen with me.4 Be 7oo8ed over at meC some o9 the anger 7e9t his e;pression. .Cat=s gonna be o2t o9 the bagE4 .They a7ready s2spect. They=re bac8 there waiting at my doors. I=ve been 9o77owed and photographed a77 wee8.4 .I 8now:4 he whispered. .I=ve seen the pict2res. 1o2=re a77 over the tab7oid sites.4 .They too8 my pict2re when I 7e9t tonight too:4 I said regrettab7y. I 7oo8ed down at my hands. Tho2ghts o9 him not wanting to be o99icia77y seen with me crossed my mind. )9ter a77: I was a commoner: a .nobody4 in his wor7d o9 9ame. -y insec2rities started to s2r9ace when he didn=t spea8. .It=s o8ay. I2st drive to yo2r hote7. I=77 drive myse79 home.4 0isappointment coated my words. -y per9ect date was <2ic87y t2rning so2r: even tho2gh deep down inside I 2nderstood. .Then yo2=77 be sa9e.4 .I=m not worried abo2t that. I=m worried abo2t yo2. 1o2r 7i9e is going to t2rn chaotic: >2st 7i8e mine. The paparaDDi are re7ent7essE I 9ee7 7i8e I=m throwing yo2 to the 7ions.4 .1o2=re not throwing me: Ryan. I go wi77ing7y... i9 yo2 tr27y want me by yo2r side. 2t sti77: I 2nderstand why.4 Be too8 my hand in his: gent7y t2gging my arm to get me to 7oo8 at him again. .They are going to ho2nd yo2.4 .So what34 I co2ntered. .They=ve a7ready started.4 .That doesn=t bother yo234 Bis eyes scr2nched together: assessing. .They are annoying: b2t rea77y: i9 something 7i8e that bothered me: I wo27dn=t be sitting in this car with yo2 right now. The <2estion is 6 does that bother yo234 I 2ttered: bare7y above a whisper. .1eah: it does. 2t not 9or the reason yo2 might be thin8ingE4 he retorted. .I=m a9raid to ta8e away yo2r 9reedom.4 Be made it so2nd 7i8e he was sentencing me to so7itary con9inement. I >2st didn=t see it that way. I shoo8 my head to disagree. .I tho2ght yo2 might be ashamed to be seen with me:4 I whispered.

.)shamed34 Be 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was being abs2rd. .Is that what yo2 thin83 That I=77 be ashamed i9 o2r re7ationship becomes p2b7ic34 I si7ent7y nodded my head. Be s7apped the gear shi9ter into drive and s<2ea7ed the tires as he t2rned the car aro2nd. Ryan par8ed in my spot in the 7ot. @hotographers descended on 2s be9ore we even got o2t o9 the car. ./ait: 7et me get my bags 9irst and then IL77 get yo2r door:4 he instr2cted. /e were 9o77owed a77 the way down the street as we h2rried to the 9ront door o9 my p2b. The 7ights 9rom the camera 97ashes in the dar8 were b7inding and disorienting. It was 7i8e staring into strobe 7ights. I made the mista8e o9 7oo8ing 2p at one o9 them when we crossed the street. Their intr2sive <2estions never stopped either. /hi7e I 92mb7ed to get my 8ey in the 7oc8: one o9 the gro2pies as8ed Ryan 9or his a2tograph: to which he nice7y ob7iged. I was s2rprised that severa7 men wanted Ryan=s a2tograph too. They were prepared with g7ossy prints o9 him in hand. I reca77ed Ryan re9erring to them as .a2tographers4 once. I co27dn=t get the door opened 9ast eno2gh. Ryan and I h2rried thro2gh the door and he sh2t it with 9orce to 7oc8 the insanity o2t. I started to panic s7ight7y when I co27dn=t see the 8eypad proper7y to t2rn the a7arm o99. I had to b7in8 repeated7y 2nti7 I 9ina77y p2nched the code in. Then I set the a7arm again to be sure to 8eep the insanity o2t. .I=m seeing spots.4 It was hard to navigate thro2gh the dar8ness. Be ch2c87ed 7ight7y. .-e too. !o matter how many timesH one o9 them sti77 gets me in the eyes.4 Ryan he7ped me with my coat: which he tossed onto the 7iving room chair. .I=m sorry 9or the way I reacted:4 he said: 7oo8ing at me with apo7ogetic eyes. .1o2 need to rea7iDe that I on7y want to protect yo2.4 .I 8now. I want to protect yo2 too:4 I whispered. I s7id my hands into the space between his shirt and >ac8et: s8imming my 9ingers 2p over his sho27ders. I didn=t care that we were >2st ho2nded by photographersC I wanted to 9ee7 his s8in on mine. I combed my 9ingers into his hairC o2r 8issing was intense and passionate.

The 9ingers o9 both his hands caressed in the space between my sho27ders. I co27d hear the meta7 teeth separate as he s7ow7y 2nDipped my dress. Be ra8ed his 9ingers across my bac8: pee7ing the dress 9rom my body. I 9e7t the satin when it 7anded aro2nd my an87es. Bis eyes too8 in the sight o9 me as I stepped o2t o9 my dress. I pres2med he 7i8ed the 7oo8 o9 the matching si78en 7ace ensemb7e I was wearing 2nderneath my dress * that paired with my high hee7s. Bis head swayed and his breath was ro2gh be9ore his open mo2th 7oc8ed onto mine. I 2nb2ttoned his shirt whi7e he 8ic8ed his shoes o99 and opened his be7t. -y 9ingers s7id over his bare chest: p277ing his t2c8ed shirt o2t o9 his pants. Be sh2ddered ever so s7ight7y 2nder my to2ch. In one <2ic8 movement he 7eaned down: catching my waist with his sho27der. Bis arm wrapped aro2nd my 7egs to ho7d me in p7ace. I gigg7ed as he <2ic87y carried me down the dar8 ha77way to my bedroom.

/e spent most o9 the day 7o2nging in bed. In between the marathon se; sessions and a nap: we managed to shower. /e even had brea89ast in bed. .So how do yo2 dea7 with it34 I as8ed. I p277ed the sheet 2p over my sho27der. .0ea7 with what34 Be 7oo8ed over at me. .(verything. The demanding sched27e: the obsessed 9ans: the photographers: and sti77 manage to ma8e movies.4 Be 7a2ghed <2iet7y. .I honest7y don=t 8now. Sometimes it 9ee7s 7i8e I=m having an o2t o9 body e;perience.4 .Come onE Te77 meE4 I rested my hand on his bare chest. Be ro77ed his eyes a bit. .1o2 have a sched27e to 9o77ow: right3 (very day yo2 get 2p and yo2 either go to wor8 or yo2 have other things yo2 need to accomp7ish.4 .1eah: b2t I don=t have peop7e screaming at me.4 .That=s not tr2e:4 he insisted. .I=ve seen peop7e bar8 orders at yo2 many times. I want si0ty mi0ed drin"s and forty pit hers of beer%4 .It=s not the same:4 I disagreed with his comparison.

.Bow is it so di99erent3 1o2 r2n a b2siness: and with that comes dedication and responsibi7ity. 1o2 have to be in 9ront o9 peop7e: some o9 which yo2 don=t 7i8e: or don=t 8now. 2t yet yo2 smi7e and p7ay yo2r part. They e;pect something 9rom yo2: and yo2 have to de7iver. I9 yo2 tr27y thin8 abo2t it: we a77 are acting in one way or another:4 he remar8ed. I noddedC he had a point. .Ta8e 9or instance my brother. Be has to trave7 a 7ot 9or his >ob. Be=s gone at 7east one wee8 o2t o9 every month 9or a career that he doesn=t 7i8e very m2ch. Be has to get on a p7ane and 7eave his wi9e: Iane77e: and their baby gir7: Sarah: a77 the time. 2t yet he a ts o2t his partC he p2ts a smi7e on his 9ace and he goes to wor8 every day. That=s what he does 9or a 7iving. .)cting is something that I rea77y 7i8e doing. It=s 8ind o9 easy 9or me to s7ip into another character and it=s 92n to e;p7ore what it=s 7i8e to be someone e7se. )nd it=s 9ar 9rom boring: that=s 9or s2reE I9 I had to sit behind a des8 everyday: I thin8 I wo27d 8i77 myse79E 2t 9or some peop7e: sitting behind a des8 is a dream >ob. To each his own: yo2 8now34 . 2t what abo2t the press2re34 I <2estioned. ./hat abo2t it3 (very >ob has its press2re. -y press2re is >2st magni9ied beca2se it=s p2b7iciDed. )77 the directors o2t there want to ma8e <2a7ity 9i7ms that earn mi77ions o9 do77ars at the bo; o99ices. That=s what they get meas2red by. I get meas2red by my acting abi7ities and my p2b7ic draw. The bigger those n2mbers are: the bigger my paychec8 isE I9 yo2 don=t have an atmosphere downstairs that p277s in c2stomers: yo2r sa7es are down and yo2 don=t ma8e money.4 .I 8now a77 abo2t metrics. (conomicsQ 2siness degree: remember34 I rep7ied. .I g2ess I=m >2st worried that the press2re might be too m2ch 9or yo2 one o9 these days.4 Be tho2ght abo2t my comment 9or a moment. .0o yo2 remember how yo2 9e7t a9ter yo2 sang on stage in 9ront o9 a77 those peop7e34 .1es.4 .)nd how did yo2 9ee734 .@etri9ied that I made an ass o2t o9 myse79.4 Be smi7ed at me. .?8ay: and when yo2 p7ayed the same song in 9ront o9 peop7e 7ast wee8end: some o9 which yo2 bare7y 8new: how did yo2 9ee7 then34 .It was easier. I wasn=t worried at a77.4

.)nd why was that34 . eca2se I 8new I co27d do it: 9or one.4 .1o2 had con9idence. I g2ess it=s the same 9or me. The more I get to act: the more con9idence I have in my abi7ities.4 .1eah: b2t yo2 co27d have a77 the con9idence in the wor7d and sti77 cave to the press2re:4 I stressed. .1eah: I 8now. )nd I 9ee7 it some days. 5ou 8now that. 2t I a7so have a mi77ion reasons to dea7 with it 6 mi77ions.4 Be smi7ed. .So it a77 comes down to money34 I m2ttered. ./e77 we a77 have to earn a 7iving somehowE -y mom is the one who to7d me to >oin the drama c72b and my dad is the one who to7d me to get a >ob. I=m b7aming themE4 Bis comment made me 7a2gh. .1o2 8now how many years most peop7e have to wor8 to earn what I ma8e in si; months3 ?ne movieH mi77ions.4 .1eah: b2t there=s a di99erence between being com9ortab7e and being greedy. )re yo2 hoping to be one o9 those mega*rich mega*stars one day3 1o2 8now * the ones who on7y have one name now3 rad3 Tom34 ) tinge o9 9right str2c8 me when I wondered i9 he wo27d end 2p ditching me down the road so he co27d be the other ha79 o9 a mega*co2p7e. I had a com9ortab7e amo2nt in the ban8: b2t I was 9ar 9rom mega. .I=m 7oo8ing to ride this as 7ong as I can. /ho 8nows: maybe one day I won=t want to do this anymore. There are other ways 9or me to be artistic. Sometimes I 7oo8 at my brother and envy him 9or what he has * a norma7 7i9e and a 9ami7y. That=s one o9 the many reasons why I=m here with yo2 now. 1o2=re my peace in a77 this insanity.4 .?h: I see. I=m >2st a piece 9or yo2:4 I acc2sed >o8ing7y. .That=s not what I meant and yo2 8now itE4 Be tic87ed me. .So what is it abo2t acting that yo2 7ove so m2ch34 I wondered. Be rested his head on his hand and 7oo8ed at me serio2s7y. .1o2 want to 8now why I 7i8e being an actor3 It=s act2a77y a 7ot o9 92n. ?8ay: imagine thisH ne;t time yo2 po2r a beer: I want yo2 to 7oo8 7i8e yo2=re 92rio2s. Bo7d that 7oo8 on yo2r 9ace 6 ma8e s2re yo2 7oo8 at that camera * then wa78 9ive 9eet to yo2r mar8 and hand the c2stomer his beer. /ait 2nti7 he

ta8es a drin8 and then say yo2r 7ines. It=s that comp7icated.4 ./hat are my 7ines34 I as8ed. .?h: yo2 rea77y want to pretend3 ?8ay.4 Be sat 2p on his e7bow. .1o2r 7ines are GI tho2ght abo2t 8i77ing yo2 9or a 7ong time: Ioe. Today I 9ina77y get my wish.= 4 ./hat=s my motivation34 I <2estioned: trying to get in the mindset. .Ioe 8i77ed yo2r partnerH I don=t 8nowE Thin8 abo2t something that pisses yo2 o99.4 I sat 2p and wrapped the sheet aro2nd my body. It was hard to pretend and be na8ed at the same time. .Bey: what are yo2 doing34 Ryan as8ed whi7e trying to t2g the sheet o2t o9 my hands. .I 7i8e that viewE4 I p7ay9277y s7apped his hand away. .I have to 9oc2sE4 .The script says that this is a n2de scene:4 he insisted: p277ing the sheet o99 o9 me. .I2st ignore the cameras:4 he teased. I ro77ed my eyes. 5ighting him was a 7ost ca2se. I tho2ght abo2t con9ronting the idiot who smashed my window with a roc8 * how I=d 7i8e to smash a roc8 thro2gh their window. I 7oo8ed at Ryan and proceeded to g7are at him. .I tho2ght abo2t 8i77ing yo2 9or a 7ong time now: Ioe:4 I said coo77y. .I=m >2st g7ad today is the day I 9ina77y get my wish. That wasn=t beer yo2 >2st dran8. It was poison. I9 yo2 te77 me where he is: I >2st might give yo2 the antidote.4 Ryan 97ashed a big grin at me. .That was pretty goodE I 7i8ed the improvE4 I >2st contin2ed g7aring at him: hoping he wo27d p7ay a7ong. Bis happy e;pression disappeared when I 8ept giving him the dirty 7oo8. Be pretended to pop something in his mo2th. .1o2 9orget: @eaches: that my agency deve7oped that poison. Sorry to disappoint yo2: b2t I won=t be dying today. 1o2 on the other handH4 Be sprang 2p and pinned me to the bed. Bis body stradd7ed mineC his hands he7d my wrists to the mattress. Bis aggressive acting act2a77y t2rned me on. .I >2st might be inc7ined to 7et yo2 7ive:4 he said pers2asive7y. . 2t it a77 depends on what yo2=re wi77ing to do 9or yo2r co2ntry.4 .I=77 never give in to yo2: IoeE4 I said with conviction and s<2irmed 2nder his grip. .1o2 may be strong eno2gh to ta8e my body: b2t my heart be7ongs to Ryan.4

Be 7eaned down and 8issed me passionate7y. I didn=t 8now i9 we were sti77 p7aying or i9 he was serio2s: b2t his 8iss was de9inite7y serio2s. Be re7eased my wrists and I tang7ed my 9ingers into his hair as his tong2e swir7ed with mine. .I tho2ght yo2r heart be7ongs to Ryan34 he snic8ered. .It does. )s does the rest o9 my body.4 .BmmE4 Be smi7ed his g7orio2s smi7e at me. .That=s good to 8nowE !ow 97ip over so I can carve my initia7s bac8 here.4 I 7et o2t a shrie8 as he grabbed my rear.

Chapter 1. Dinner

./e need to get o2t o9 bed and get dressed:4 Ryan said: noting the time. .)re yo2 insane34 I as8ed. .I tho2ght the p7an was to stay in bed all day34 I was s2rprised that he wanted to go somewhere. Bim o9 a77 peop7eE ./e can=t. /e have dinner p7ans tonight.4 Be was smi7ing in a way that worried me. ./e do34 I was con92sed. Be hadnLt mentioned having dinner p7ans a77 day. Tho2ghts o9 another yacht trip came to mind. .1ep. /e=ve been invited to Ca7 and Je77y=s 9or dinner and I to7d them I wo27d drag yo2 a7ong:4 he said whi7e p277ing on my hand to drag me o2t o9 bed. . 2t: b2tH4 I whined. I rea77y wanted to stay in bed and avoid the photographers that were 72r8ing abo2t. .I promise: we=77 stay in bed a77 day tomorrow i9 it ma8es yo2 happy.4 I noted the sarcasm in his voice. .?h yeah: 7i8e that wo27dn=t ma8e yo2 happy tooE4 I gave him a 7ight shove. Be grabbed me aro2nd the waist and moved me o2t o9 the way so he co27d dart o2t the doorway 9irst: 7a2ghing on his way to the bathroom. I had >2st s7ipped a white tan8 top over my head when Ryan came bac8 into the bedroom. .!iceE4 he said. .@ants optiona7 this evening34 .!ot wearing pants tonight.4 I p2t on a charcoa7 gray sweater dress over my tan8. The dress came down mid thigh and had a deep F*shaped nec87ine and an attached hood. It was another new addition to my wardrobe. I Dipped 2p my b7ac8 s2ede high*hee7ed boots to 9inish o99 the 7oo8. Ryan 7oo8ed at me strange7y. .Is this o8ay34 I as8ed an;io2s7y: worried that he didn=t approve. I 8new the paparaDDi were waiting o2tside to ta8e o2r pict2re.

.Fery m2ch soE4 Be nodded. .1o2 7oo8 adorab7e. Fery se;y.4 Ryan dressed in his signat2re sty7e: 7ayering a 7ong*s7eeved stee7 gray co77ared shirt over a white T*shirt and >eans. /e sort o9 matched. ./ait: be9ore we go I have something that wo27d go great with yo2r o2t9it.4 Be 2nDipped his bag. Be de7iberated 9or a moment: ma8ing s2re he had the right pac8age be9ore handing me a gorgeo2s gi9t bag. .Bere: this is 9or yo2. I got yo2 a 7itt7e something when I was in !ew 1or8.4 Bis 9ace showed his anticipation. .RyanE4 I gaDed at him 7oving7y: s2rprised that he bo2ght me a present. .Ao onE ?pen itE4 he 2rged. I pee8ed inside the bagC nest7ed in the pretty tiss2e paper was a b7ac8 >ewe7ry bo;. Be stared at me e;pectant7y as I 7i9ted the 7id o9 the bo;. Inside was a si7ver nec87ace with two diamond*encr2sted hearts twined together: one inside the other. I 7oo8ed at him: bewi7dered. .Ryan: oh my AodE This is abso72te7y bea2ti927E4 I whispered: to2ching the pendant with the tip o9 my 9inger. .I noticed yo2 7i8e to wear si7ver instead o9 go7d: so I opted 9or white go7d. Bere: 7et me he7p yo2 p2t it on.4 Be too8 the de7icate chain o2t o9 the bo;. I 7i9ted my hair so he co27d attach the c7asp. /hi7e he str2gg7ed with the de7icate chain: my nervo2sness made my heart beat 9aster. I 9e7t his hands rest on my sho27ders when he was 9inished. Be pressed his chest into my bac8. .0o yo2 7i8e it34 he whispered sed2ctive7y in my ear. I 9e7t his warm breath on my s8in as he trai7ed the tip o9 his nose down my nec8. .I 7ove it:4 I sighed: ti7ting my head even 92rther to en>oy his n2DD7e. .1o2 sho27dn=t have.4 Bis gest2re too8 me comp7ete7y by s2rprise. I t2rned in his arms. Be smir8ed at me and s7ight7y shr2gged his sho27ders. .I wanted to. 1o2 7oo8 bea2ti927 wearing my heart.4 .Than8 yo2E4 I reached to 8iss him. Be pic8ed the bag bac8 2p o99 the bed and handed it to me. .There=s one more thing inside.4 I 7oo8ed at him: perp7e;ed. I reached inside the bag and 9o2nd another b7ac8 >ewe7ry

bo; in the tiss2e paper. This one was sma77er. I 9e7t a77 the co7or r2sh 9rom my 9ace. I opened the bo; 7id s7ow7y. I gasped as my eyes too8 in the sight o9 spectac27ar diamond earrings: set in white go7d as we77. 5rom the post: a diamond bag2ette 7ed the way to where a diamond so7itaire dang7ed be7ow. The diamonds were at 7east a carat each. .This is too m2ch:4 I breathed o2t. I was s2dden7y 9ee7ing very 7ight*headed. .I can=t accept these.4 .0on=t yo2 7i8e them34 Bis 9ace twisted with concern. .They=re bea2ti927E4 I gaDed at them: watching the diamonds spar87e in the 7ight. . 2t I can=t accept these. It=s too m2ch. 1o2 sho27dn=t have spentH4 I co27d on7y imagine how e;pensive earrings 7i8e these were. Bis 9ingers covered my 7ips. .I9 yo2 7i8e them: p2t them on. They=re yo2rs.4 I stared at the bo;: 2nab7e to move my 9ingers. 0inner on the yacht: diamondsH it was too m2ch. This man standing in 9ront o9 me was not here beca2se he was rich or 9amo2s. The on7y gi9t I wanted 9rom him was the one thing that his money and 9ame co27d never b2y 6 to be my one tr2e 7ove 9orever. I snapped the bo; sh2t and handed it to him. .I can=t. ?ne present was more than eno2gh. @7ease.4 I shoo8 the bo; 9or him to ta8e it o2t o9 my hand. ./o27d yo2 7i8e something e7se3 I co27d e;change them 9or a brace7et or something. I2st te77 me.4 Be tried to be accommodating. .!o.4 I gent7y smi7ed. .I don=t want anything e7se. @7ease. This pendant was more than eno2gh.4 Be 7oo8ed con92sed as his eyes togg7ed between <2estioning me and 7oo8ing at the 7itt7e b7ac8 bo; in his hand. Be shr2gged and became s7ight7y irritated. .I=m not going to even pretend that I 2nderstand this.4 Be set the 7itt7e bo; on my dresser. /e were instant7y photographed the moment I opened the 9ront door. Ryan and I h2rried down the street to my carC we practica77y ran. I wished I had a c7oser par8ing spot: b2t my b2i7ding was very c7ose to the beach and most o9 the b2i7dings never too8 par8ing into acco2nt. Ryan had my car 8eys in his hand and every so o9ten I 9e7t his 9ingers to2ch my bac8 when I wasn=t wa78ing 9ast eno2gh. )s we crossed the street: we were s2rro2nded by a7most

thirty peop7e. /e had photographers and peop7e 9i7ming 2s: b7inding 2s with 97ashes o9 7ight. The cameras c7ic8ed 9evero2s7y. -i;ed in the crowd were severa7 men begging him to sign g7ossy photos and a 9ew obsessive 9ema7e 9ans. They >2st ho2nded him. ?ne gir7 with c2r7y brown hair grabbed the s7eeve o9 Ryan=s >ac8et: p277ing him o99*ba7ance. .BeyE @7ease don=t to2ch meE4 Ryan ye77ed: yan8ing his arm away. .Come on: this is not coo7E4 (veryone begged 9or photographs and a2tographs. .Ryan: Ryan: over here4 6 the words were chanted over and over again by the di99erent intr2sive menaces that p7ag2ed 2s. I 7oo8ed 2p to see the 9aces o9 some o9 his 9ansC they were most7y yo2ng gir7s 6 twenty somethings 6 b2t there were a 9ew o7der women there as we77. (ven tho2gh he was with me: it didn=t matter. It was 7i8e I wasn=t even there to them. In some twisted way: I was act2a77y g7ad the photographers were s2rro2nding 2sC they provided a barrier between 2s and his 9ema7e admirers. I 7oo8ed 2p at the par8ing 7ot 7ong eno2gh to see my car: b2t something was horrib7y wrongC di99erent co7ors o9 white: red: and hot pin8 stood o2t against the star8 b7ac8 paint. /hen we got c7ose eno2gh: I was re7ieved b2t now angryC my car was covered with 7ove notes: cards: and a77 sorts o9 paper. !otes to him were st2c8 in the door hand7es and 2nder the windshie7d wipers. -y windshie7d was covered with crap. I <2ic87y c7eared the passenger side whi7e Ryan grabbed hand927s o9 paper 9rom the driver side: tossing them a77 to the gro2nd. I hopped into the car as 9ast as I co27d and 7oc8ed the door behind me. The crowd was terri9ying. The same gir7 who grabbed his arm: the one with 7ong: c2r7y brown hair: pressed her hands on the driver side window ye77ing .I 7ove yo24 at Ryan. I noticed she had a big gap in between her 9ront teeth. These peop7e were scary and sic8. Ryan 7oo8ed over his sho27der to bac8 my car o2t o9 the spot: b2t we were s2rro2nded by peop7e on a77 sides. I tried to cover my eyes with my hand to b7oc8 the camera 97ashesC the photographers were re7ent7ess. .I sho27d have ca77ed 9or sec2rity:4 he m2ttered 2nder his breath. .This is 92c8ing ridic27o2s. -ove a7readyE4 Be contin2ed to inch bac8 o2t o9 the par8ing spot 2nti7 the crowd 9ina77y parted

eno2gh 9or him to bac8 2p a77 the way. (ven as we drove o2t o9 the 7ot: photographers ran a7ong side the car: contin2ing to ta8e o2r pict2re. Ryan got my car o2t on the road and hit the gas peda7C my tires s<2ea7ed 9rom the power. Ryan 7oo8ed 7i8e we >2st robbed a ban8C his e;pression was a combination o9 panic: 9r2stration: and anger. .)re yo2 a77 right34 he a7most ye77ed at me. .I=m 9ine:4 I stated ca7m7y: 7oo8ing over at him. .Bow are yo234 Be shoo8 his head and 7et o2t a big 72ng*9277 o9 air. .Un92c8ingbe7ievab7e.4 This is e0a tly what I was referring to this morning in bed% )ow ould he stand to deal with this ra=iness all the time# Today was ertainly not the first day something li"e this happened to him% At what point do you tell yourself that the money and fame isnt worth it# (ven tho2gh I was thin8ing it: I didn=t say a word to him abo2t it. I 8new he was beside himse79C it was c7ear that the t2rmoi7 was wrea8ing havoc on his brain. .Bow do I get on the interstate 9rom here34 he as8ed e;cited7y. .T2rn right in three 7ights.4 I tried to remain ca7m. .0o yo2 have their address34 Ryan 7oc8ed 2p my bra8es and made a <2ic8 right t2rn thro2gh one o9 the neighborhoods. I grabbed the seat with one hand and the door armrest with the other as he wove my car thro2gh the streets. ./e=re being 9o77owed:4 he grow7ed. .0on=t 7et me hit any dead end streetsE4 -y heart was po2nding and I was s7ight7y petri9ied. .TarynE4 Ryan sho2ted. ./here to34 .Le9t:4 I breathed. Be handed me a s7ip o9 paper that he too8 9rom his coat poc8et. .That=s where we need to end 2p. 0irect me.4 .T2rn right at the gas station. 0own there: get on the 10%. See the sign34 Ryan nodded. Bis 7ips were p2rsed tight7y together. I co27d te77 he was seething. .Ryan: it=s o8ay. There=s no one behind 2s:4 I whispered: patting his 7eg with my hand. )s soon as I said it: a 7arge SUF t2rned the same corner. ./rongE4 he sho2ted: ma8ing a right t2rn thro2gh a red 7ight. .-a8e a 7e9t and then a right and get on the 10%. It=s a highway.4 I 9e7t the car acce7erate even 9aster.

.RyanH4 I breathed and s7id my hand onto his 7eg. /e were going a7most ninety mi7es per ho2r. .I=m >2st trying to p2t some distance between 2s:4 he m2ttered. Bis tone was sti77 irritated. I 7oo8ed over my sho27der and o2t the rear window. .)re we sti77 being 9o77owed34 .I don=t 8now i9 I 7ost them b2t I=m not ta8ing any chances.4 I entered the address into the navigation systemC soon the comp2ter was giving him driving directions. Be 7et o2t a big breath o9 airC I noticed he ca7med down a 7itt7e. Be dropped the speedometer down to seventy*9ive. .1o2 o8ay: abe34 I as8ed. .1eah: I=m o8ay.4 Be smi7ed at me brie97y and then patted my thigh. 02ring the ne;t ten min2tes o9 comp7ete si7ence: I tho2ght abo2t a77 the crap we removed 9rom my car and how it was >2st 7aying there in the par8ing 7ot. (ven tho2gh I didn=t want to 8now what his 9ans had to say in them: the 9act that they were 7aying a77 aro2nd my month7y renta7 space bothered me. .Ryan: when we get bac8 tonight: I need to pic8 2p a77 that paper in the par8ing 7ot. That 7ot doesn=t be7ong to meC I have to pay a month7y 9ee to par8 there and I can=t 7eave my spot a77 7ittered 7i8e that.4 Be nodded at me. .I=77 ta8e care o9 it.4 /ith one ca77: he made arrangements to have Iason c7ean it 2p. .Than8 yo2:4 I whispered. Be 7oosened his grip on the steering whee7. .0id yo2 ta78 to -arie abo2t covering the bar whi7e my parents are visiting34 .!ot yet:4 I rep7ied. I had been p2tting that conversation o99. .Tar: p7ease. Can=t yo2 ta8e a co2p7e o9 days o9934 he p7eaded. .I 9ina77y have a norma7 wee8end and I rea77y want yo2 to be with me.4 ./hat were yo2 p7anning on doing34 I as8ed: wondering how I co27d be in two p7aces at once. .I don=t 8now:4 he answered. .I was sort o9 hoping that yo2 might have some ideas. I want to ta8e 2s a77 o2t to dinner 5riday night tho2gh 6 somep7ace very nice 9or my mom=s birthday. 0o yo2 have any s2ggestions o9 where we can ta8e them34

.I 8now a 9ew nice resta2rants.4 .I2st one re<2estH some p7ace o2tside o9 Seaport:4 he added. .Bave they ever been to oston3 It=s not too 9ar o9 a drive 9rom here. There are some things we can do in @rovidence too:4 I s2ggested: thin8ing it wo27d be easy to ta8e day trips and sti77 wor8 the bar at night. .I 8now what I=d li"e to do this wee8end.4 Bis tone was mischievo2s. .)nd what wo27d that be34 .I=d 7ove to ta8e my parents 2p to the 7a8e.4 Be 7oo8ed over at me and raised his eyebrows. .I=d 7ove to ta8e my dad o2t on the boat. Can we do that34 Be was so e;cited. .Ryan: it=s Ba77oween. I have bands sched27ed. It=s one o9 my biggest wee8ends o9 the year. Let me see i9 I can rearrange coverage 9or the p2b 9irst: o8ay34 /e drove 2p the coast 9or a7most a ha79*ho2r: then t2rned into a gated beachside comm2nity. I was re7ieved to see the sec2rity g2ard on d2ty and a h2ge meta7 gate b7oc8ing the rest o9 the wor7d 9rom entering. I never 8new we had gated comm2nities so c7ose. The homes were typica7 three story beach ho2ses: a77 p7aced very c7ose together. The ho2se that Ca7 and Je77y had rented was on7y three homes away 9rom the beach. .This m2st be rea77y neat in the s2mmertime.4 I smi7ed over at Ryan. .1eah: too bad it=s ?ctober:4 he said in agreement. I was g7ad to see that he was a7most himse79 again. Be opened my car door and he7d my hand as we wa78ed 2p the sidewa78 to the 9ront door. .Bey g2ys: come on inE4 Ca7 greeted 2s and too8 o2r coats. ehind him: the most adorab7e 7itt7e gir7 with 7ong b7ond hair came r2nning down the ha77way. She hid behind her daddy=s 7egs. I pee8ed behind Ca7 and smi7ed at the 7itt7e c2tie. .Bi:4 I said so9t7y: cro2ching down to her 7eve7. .1o2 m2st be CamiE4 She gigg7ed at me and hid her 9ace. .Cami: are yo2 being shy34 Ca7 as8ed: tic87ing her head. .BiE4 Je77y said as she >oined 2s at the door. .A7ad yo2 co27d ma8e itE4 She gave me a big h2g. .Than8 yo2 so m2ch 9or inviting 2s.4 I ret2rned her h2g.

./hyinE4 Cami pointed at Ryan. S7ow7y she came o2t 9rom behind Ca7=s 7egs. .Come here yo2E4 Ryan scooped her 2p and 8issed her on her chee8s be9ore spinning her aro2nd in his arms to tic87e her be77y. Ber gigg7es were precio2s. They obvio2s7y 8new each other very we77. /e wa78ed thro2gh the 9ront entryway and down the ha77 to the 7arge 9ami7y room that bordered the enormo2s 8itchen. Something sme77ed wonder927. The ho2se was decorated in shades o9 white: b72e: and beige with hints o9 seashe77s and star9ishC typica7 9or a beach renta7 home. .Bow was yo2r ride over34 Ca7 as8ed Ryan. Ryan set Cami down and 7oo8ed at me be9ore answering. .It was a bit craDy: b2t we made it. Taryn=s car was covered with notes.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 7i8e he was g2i7ty o9 something. .1o2=re 8idding34 Ca7 said. .Bow theH4 .The pop were waiting 9or 2s when we got bac8 9rom the marina 7ast night * they were at both doors. )nd then when we 7e9t to come here: the 9ans were waiting as we77. The paparaDDi even chased 2s 9or a co2p7e o9 mi7es.4 Ca7 inconspic2o2s7y 7oo8ed over at me. .Bow=d she do34 he whispered to Ryan: b2t I co27d sti77 hear him. .She did great. I was the one who 97ipped o2tE4 (ven tho2gh I was interested in their conversation: I was distracted by a pair o9 big b72e eyes and a na8ed arbie do77 staring at me. .Is that a arbie do7734 I as8ed Cami. .Uh2h: wanna see34 She he7d the do77 o2t to me. .Be77o arbie: my name is Taryn. It=s very nice to meet yo2E4 Cami gigg7ed. .Ber name not arbieE Ber name 0oraE4 .0ora3 /hat a pretty nameE It=s nice to meet yo2: 0ora. 0ora: 0ora: 0ora: the (;p7orer.4 I sang: ma8ing Cami gigg7e at me again. .Bow do yo2 8now the 0ora song34 Je77y as8ed as Cami ran bac8 down the ha77way. .There=s not m2ch e7se on at two o=c7oc8 in the a9ternoon. Sometimes I=d rather watch cartoons than the other choices.4

Two min2tes 7ater: Cami came r2nning bac8 with another na8ed arbie in her other hand. .Bere: yo2 be ea2ty and I=77 be 0ora.4 I too8 the arbie into my hands and danced her aro2nd on my 7eg. .Cami: don=t be a pestE4 Je77y anno2nced 9rom the 8itchen. .Come on Cami: 7et=s ta8e o2r do77ies on an advent2re.4 I danced the do77 over to the 8itchen co2nter where severa7 7arge chairs were poised. .So ea2ty: does mommy need he7p in the 8itchen34 .!o than8 yo2: ea2ty. 0inner is a7most ready:4 Je77y rep7ied. .0oes Taryn need a g7ass o9 wine yet34 I answered with a win8 and a nod. ./hat abo2t A.I. Ioe over there3 0o yo2 and -a7ib2 Jen need drin8s34 Je77y teased. I p277ed o2t one o9 the chairs and my 7itt7e 9riend was right by my side. ./o27d yo2 7i8e to sit on my 7ap3 /e can p7ay do77ies 2p hereE4 Cami >2st nodded her head at me 7i8e she was in a trance. /e p7ayed with the two do77s on the co2nter. .1o2 8now Cami: when I was yo2r age I 7oved p7aying with arbies too. I wo27d sit in my room 9or ho2rs: b2i7ding ho2ses and ta8ing my arbie 9or a ride in her car.4 .1o2 did34 .Uh2hE 2t my arbie had c7othes. /hat happened to yo2r c7othes: 0ora34 .0ora gonna ta8e a bath:4 she to7d me: matter*o9*9act7y. .)nd then: and then: and then: and then: she gonna br2sh her tee9. See3 Li8e dis. ?pen wide.4 Cami opened her mo2th. /hi7e the adorab7e 7itt7e gir7 was showing me her teeth: a 7itt7e s<2ea8er o9 a toot s7ipped o2t o9 her bottom. .?opsE4 she gigg7ed. .0id yo2 sit on a mo2se34 I as8ed her. .!o: I 9arted:4 she anno2nced to everyone. I co27dn=t stop 7a2ghing. Ca7 too8 her o99 o9 my 7ap. .Say yo2=re sorry to TarynE4 he said in between 7a2ghing. .Sorry:4 she said in her bea2ti927 7itt7e voice. .That=s o8ay sweetie.4 .Come on. Let=s see i9 some 7itt7e gir7 needs to go potty.4 Ca7 7ed her down the

ha77way. Ryan stood behind me: r2bbing my sho27ders and 7a2ghing that I got tooted on. .She got me good once. 1o2 remember that Je77y3 /hen we were 9i7ming the 9irst movie: I had her sitting on my 7ap and I was tic87ing her and she peed a77 over me.4 .Ryan: that was so 92nny: none o9 2s co27d ever 9orget that. )nd be7ieve me: it=s a rite o9 passage once yo2 become a parent. I don=t thin8 there=s a mom or dad on the p7anet that hasn=t gotten peed: pooped: or p28ed on.4 ./e77: yo2r da2ghter peed on me: and my baby niece Sarah has power p28ed on me a7readyH g2ess there=s on7y one more rite o9 passage then 9or me: h2h34 Ryan 7a2ghed. .It=s not o99icia7 2nti7 it=s yo2r own chi7d:4 Je77y corrected Ryan=s ass2mption. .1o2 mean a77 these other times don=t co2nt34 Ryan whined. Cami came r2nning down the ha77 and ran right to my 7eg. I 7i9ted her 2p and sat her bac8 on my 7ap. .)re yo2 a77 better now34 She nodded her head. .I pooped.4 .?n the potty 7i8e a big gir734 I as8ed. Ryan st2c8 his head over my sho27der to get in on the conversation. .Uh2h. )nd: and: and my daddy... he wiped my bottom.4 .Be did3 /hat a good daddyE4 I said e;cited7y. ./anna see my toys34 ./e=re going to eat dinner 9irst: Cami:4 Je77y said as she too8 the 7itt7e gir7 o99 my 7ap. .Sorry abo2t this. I co27dn=t 9ind anyone to babysit her.4 I waved a hand and smi7ed. .0on=t worry abo2t it:4 /e a77 too8 o2r seats at the dinner tab7e. Cami insisted on sitting ne;t to me. She was my new best 9riend. ./e=77 have 92n 7ater: I promise:4 I said to Cami. . 2t 9irst we have to p2t some y2mmy 9ood in o2r be77ies. Then maybe yo2 can show me yo2r toys.4 .?oh: pwettyE4 Cami had my new nec87ace in her hand. .BeartsE Can I have it34 .Cami: no. That=s not yo2rs:4 Je77y reprimanded. .I thin8 it=s pretty tooE4 I whispered to Cami. .I 7i8e the way it spar87esE4 I 7oo8ed over to Ryan and smi7ed. Be was grinning at me again. Ca7 and Je77y covered the tab7e with a variety o9 go2rmet 9oods that sme77ed divine. It

was a7most too pretty to eat. .Je77y: everything is de7icio2s:4 I comp7imented whi7e trying a taste o9 each se7ection. .Than8sE Ca7 and I too8 some coo8ing 7essons 9rom a 9riend o9 o2rs who=s a che9. Us2a77y we >2st have macaroni and cheese o2t o9 the bo;: b2t it=s nice to coo8 7i8e this every once and a whi7e.4 Cami didn=t eatC she wanted a pean2t b2tter sandwich instead: b2t she wasn=t going to get one. I scooped 2p some 9ood on her 9or8 and pretended I was going to eat it. She opened her mo2th 9or me and I got her to eat a 9or8 9277. .That was a good biteE -y t2rnE4 I too8 a nice bite o9 9ood. .Cami=s t2rnE -y t2rnE4 I didn=t care that the three other ad27ts at the tab7e were staring at me. -y game was getting the 7itt7e gir7 to eat her s2pper. .Taryn: I thin8 we need to ta8e yo2 home with 2s. She hasn=t eaten 7i8e this in: we77 I can=t remember the 7ast time she had s2ch an appetite.4 Je77y 7oo8ed asto2nded. .Sorry: can=t 7et yo2 do that:4 Ryan inter>ected. ./e=re staying on the (ast Coast: where things are norma7.4 The bite o9 9ood I had in my mo2th s2dden7y became very hard to chew. 0id I >2st hear that correct7y3 I wished I co27d spit the 9ood into my nap8in so I co27d breathe: b2t I co27dn=t be r2de. I too8 a big sip o9 wine to wet the 9ood in my mo2thC hope9277y that wo27d he7p me swa77ow it. I rea77y wanted to gasp in a 9ew deep breaths o9 air. We' are staying' 6ast ,oast'% We' )oly shit% .-oreE4 Cami sho2ted at me: snapping my attention bac8 to the tab7e. Ber 7itt7e mo2th was opened wide: >2st 7i8e a baby bird. I shove7ed another pi7e into her mo2th. )9ter that comment: I co27dn=t eat anymore. I was in a 9rea8ing daDe thin8ing abo2t usH (ast CoastH chi7drenH rites o9 passagesH 7itt7e b72e*eyed babiesH ?nce we were a77 9inished eating: I he7ped Je77y c7ear the tab7e whi7e the men too8 Cami into the 9ami7y room to 8eep her b2sy. I was scraping a p7ate into the garbage can when Je77y as8ed me: .)re yo2 o8ay34 I b7in8ed a 9ew times: wrapping my tho2ghts aro2nd her words. .1eah: why34 .1o2 >2st got rea7 <2iet. I was wondering i9 it was beca2se o9 what Ryan said34

I smi7ed. .Je77y: every time he says weH4 I too8 a deep breath. She smi7ed bac8 at me and whispered: .9ee7s good to be in 7ove: doesn=t itE4 .1es: it doesE4 /e a77 sat bac8 at the dinner tab7e and ta78edC Cami was sitting on my 7ap and we were both co7oring in a boo8 with crayons. I was having a b7ast: trying to get the di99erent shades o9 p2rp7e to b7end on the peta7s o9 the 97ower I was co7oring. .Is that yo2r masterpiece34 Ryan teased Cami. ./hyin: don=t to2chE4 she sco7ded him. .)nother good thing abo2t @ennsy7vania 6 that=s where they ma8e crayons:4 Ryan stated. .)nd 12eng7ing Lager too:4 I added. .@hi77y cheesestea8s:4 Ryan contin2ed. ./i77 Smith is 9rom @hi7ade7phia:4 Ca7 contrib2ted. .@ittsb2rgh Stee7ers and the @ens:4 Ryan and I added together. /e he7d o2r 9ists 2p and tapped o2r 8n2c87es together. .I=m ta8ing yo2 to a hoc8ey game. I=77 chec8 to see when the @ens are p7aying at home and we are going:4 he said to me. ./on=t have to twist my arm to get me to goE4 I smi7ed at him. .Bey.4 Cami patted me on the chee8 to get my attention. .Taryn:4 I said my name. .Tawyn:4 she repeated. .1o2 co7or the gwass too. Use dis gween.4 .Can I co7or too34 Ryan as8ed. .!o:4 Cami 9ired <2ic87y. .-e and Tawyn co7oring. 1o2 wait yo2r t2rn.4 I started to 7a2gh. Jids are so br2ta77y honest. Ryan pretended to sni99 and he acted 7i8e he was starting to cry. .I thin8 yo2 h2rt Ryan=s 9ee7ings:4 I whispered in her ear. Cami 7oo8ed 2p at Ryan and po2ted. ./hyin: don=t cwy.4 She set her crayon down. .I ho7d yo2.4 She 7eaned over to him and he p277ed her o2t o9 my arms. -y heart me7ted watching him h2g her: whi7e my tho2ghts wandered to pict2re him ho7ding o2r chi7d one day. Be wo27d ma8e a great 9ather. I s7id the co7oring boo8 and crayons in 9ront o9 him so he co27d have his t2rn. She

p7opped down on his 7ap and pic8ed her red crayon bac8 2p in her 7itt7e hand. I co27dn=t stop smi7ing. It was a7most nine o=c7oc8 and way past Cami=s bedtime when Je77y anno2nced that she had to say goodnight to everyone. She was so <2iet sitting on Ryan=s 7ap: minding her own b2siness and >2st co7oring that yo2 bare7y rea7iDed she was there. She started to cry when Je77y pic8ed her 2p. Ryan gave her a 7itt7e 8iss on the chee8. I had to give her a h2gC she demanded it. .Aoodnight: sweet @rincess. I=77 see yo2 soon: I promise:4 I whispered to her. She 8issed me on my chee8. .I thin8 I=m going to have to ca77 -i8e tonight be9ore we 7eave:4 Ryan said to Ca7. Be r2bbed his 9orehead. I 8new it bothered him to thin8 abo2t ca77ing 9or persona7 sec2rity. I p7aced my hand on his arm. ./hy don=t we >2st do a drive*by to see how bad it is 9irst3 I9 the crowd is too 7arge I=m ca77ing the po7ice. /e have 7aws abo2t 7oitering and I=m 9ar 9rom happy that my p7ace was vanda7iDed.4 .I heard abo2t that:4 Ca7 said. .Sorry to hear yo2r window was bro8en.4 .Than8s. 5ort2nate7y I was ab7e to get the window rep7aced immediate7y. The 7ogo wi77 be added bac8 on the g7ass this wee8. ?ne thing is 9or s2re: no matter where I 7ive my ho2se is going to have a sec2rity system. I2st 8nowing I have that ma8es it easier to s7eep at night.4 .?h: yes: it=s a m2st:4 Ca7 stated. ./e have an intricate system wired in o2r new p7ace in -a7ib2. -otion sensors and yard sensorsC we have so many sensors that I don=t even 8now what ha79 o9 them do. Ryan: yo2=re going to need that and a b2nch o9 mean rottwei7ers aro2nd yo2r ho2se.4 .I have to get the ho2se 9irst:4 Ryan admitted. .I=ve been 7iving o2t o9 a s2itcase 9or so 7ong now: I don=t 8now what it=s 7i8e to be home.4 .1o2 sho27d thin8 abo2t getting a p7ace. 1o2=re not going to be on the go 9orever:4 Ca7 advised. I noticed Ryan=s eyes 97ic8er 2p to me and then he 7oo8ed bac8 at the co7oring boo8: spinning it 2nder his 9ingers. .I=ve been thin8ing abo2t it a 7ot: b2t I=m not s2re where I want to sett7e >2st yet.4 . y a 7a8e:4 I m2rm2red: p2tting the crayons bac8 into the bo;.

./ith a boat doc8.4 Be smi7ed to himse79. .S2rro2nded by woods:4 I added. .-aybe grow some grapes.4 I 9e7t his 9oot tap mine 2nder the tab7e. ./atch the 7eaves change co7ors 9rom the dec8.4 I tapped him bac8. . ig 9arm ho2seH or maybe a rea77y coo7 7og home34 he m2sed: raising an eyebrow at me. I shr2gged. (ither sty7e s2ited me. .Stone 9irep7ace in the 7iving room.4 I s7id the co7oring boo8 o2t 9rom 2nder his 9ingers and paged thro2gh it 7i8e a magaDine. .-aybe one in the master bedroom too34 he <2estioned: chewing on his th2mb. . y the enormo2s ti7ed shower34 ./ith the non*s7ip bathroom co2ntertop34 I co27dn=t hide my smi7e any 7onger. Ryan grinned 9rom ear to ear. . ig g7ass doors that open to the patio.4 ./ith another 9irep7ace34 .Right ne;t to the gas gri77 o2tdoor 8itchen:4 he a99irmed. Ca7 7oo8ed 7i8e he was watching a tennis match. .So2nds 7i8e yo2 two have a77 the detai7s wor8ed o2t. !ow yo2 >2st need to pic8 the co7ors and the 7ocationE4 Be 7a2ghed. .Cami is in bed.4 Je77y sat bac8 down at the tab7eC her eyes g7anced over a77 o2r 9aces. ./hy is everyone smi7ing34 .Ryan and Taryn >2st designed their dream home: I thin8. )nd it so2nds 7i8e they have most o9 the detai7s covered: which is good.4 Be tapped Ryan in the arm. .It wi77 save yo2 a 7ot o9 arg2ments down the 7ine: be7ieve me.4 ./hat was that s2pposed to mean3 /e didn=t arg2e that m2ch when we b2i7t o2r ho2se.4 Ca7 co2ntered her comment with a 9ew eye ro77s. )s m2ch as I wanted to 9antasiDe abo2t it: in rea7ity Ryan and I didn=t 8now each other 7ong eno2gh to ta78 abo2t this 8ind o9 st299. The 7ast thing I wanted to do was get my hopes 2p. Prote t self, my s2bconscio2s to7d me. Thin" about something else' but what# $eed a new topi % Please someone thin" of something else to say% I started to co2nt bac8wards 9rom one h2ndred in my mind: hoping that wo27d he7p. Fisions o9 wa8ing 2p in Ryan=s arms every morning in o2r bea2ti927 7a8eside home bro8e right thro2gh my n2mber co2nting.

I 9e7t the chain o9 my new nec87ace catch on my hair: sending a pinch o9 pain down my nec8. I ad>2sted the chain to 2ntang7e it: ripping a 9ew hairs 9rom my head in the process. I pic8ed the pendant 2p in my hand and 7oo8ed at it againC two bea2ti927 hearts twined into one. .That=s a very bea2ti927 nec87ace yo2=re wearing:4 Je77y stated. .Than8 yo2E4 -y smi7e <2ic87y 97ashed over to Ryan. .)re those rea7 diamonds34 she as8ed 2pon c7oser inspection. I 7oo8ed at Ryan: perp7e;ed. I never as8ed i9 they were diamondsC I >2st ass2med. Je77y noticed my gaDe over at Ryan. ) smi7e crac8ed on her 9ace. .) gi9t34 Ryan=s 7ips twitched and he nodded in con9irmation. .1o2 have very good taste: RyanE4 .Than8 yo2. I was g7ad she 7i8ed it.4 .I 7ove itE4 I corrected. .I got her diamond earrings too: b2t she won=t wear them.4 I sighed. .?ne very e;pensive present was more than eno2gh.4 -y eyes 7oc8ed on the co7oring boo8C I wasn=t 2sed to having a man b2y me >ewe7ry: or anything e7se 9or that matter. I heard Ryan sco99. .Aet 2sed to it:4 he stated direct7y. Je77y patted me on the arm. I thin8 9or a moment she 2nderstood. .!o: I=77 never get 2sed to it:4 I whispered o2t. .I wi77 a7ways appreciate yo2r 8indness and generosity: and never ta8e it 9or granted.4 I hoped he co27d see the tr2th o9 my words in my eyes. .0o yo2 have a sister: Taryn3 eca2se I have a brother that=s sing7e:4 Ca7 >o8ed. .!o: I=m sorry Ca7: I don=t.4 I didn=t 2nderstand why he said that. /ere a77 women perceived as go7d diggers3 I >2mped s7ight7y when I 9e7t someone to2ch my rear. I 7oo8ed behind me to see Cami in her pa>amas with a st299ed b2nny 2nder her arm. .I tho2ght yo2 were s7eeping34 I said to her: p277ing her onto my 7ap. .CamiE It=s bedtime: yo2ng 7adyE4 Je77y was 2pset. .Tawyn: yo2 weed to me34 She r2bbed her eye with her 7itt7e hand. Ber so9t p7ea warmed my heart.

.S2re.4 I stood 2p b2t Je77y tried to re7ieve me o9 her. .It=s o8ay. Can I p2t her to bed34 )7tho2gh she was 9o2r: she was so 7ight to carry * s2ch a petite 7itt7e thing. I co27d see why she had a hard time staying as7eepC her bedroom was obvio2s7y not her bedroom. There were nets: she77s: and seahorses hanging 9rom the corner. This was nothing more than a strange g2est room in a renta7 beach ho2se: not a room 9or a 7itt7e princess. I read The 7ittle Mermaid boo8 2nder the so9t 7ight o9 her night7ight: 2sing my best voices to pretend to be the di99erent characters. She 7i8ed my )rie7 voice the best. I watched as her 7itt7e mo2th 9ormed into gent7e ?=s when she yawned. Ber big b72e eyes were getting heavy. I c7osed the boo8 and so9t7y stro8ed her 7ong: b7ond ring7ets whi7e <2iet7y singing a 9ew 7277abies. Ryan popped his head aro2nd the door: watching me as I sat on the 97oor singing to the 7itt7e gir7. Ber eyes c7osed: and in an instant she was so2nd as7eep. I stared at her 9or a 9ew momentsC she was abso72te7y adorab7e. Ryan was b7oc8ing the space in the doorwayC his body was bac87it by the 7itt7e night7ight in the wa77 o2tside Cami=s room. I 7oo8ed at him and smi7ed. Be stepped in 9ront o9 me and s7id his hand aro2nd my waist: drawing me into his chest. Bis other hand s7ow7y s7ipped across my >aw and stopped at the bac8 o9 my nec8C with the s7ightest bit o9 9orce he p277ed me in to 8iss me. This 8issing was di99erent. -aybe it was my perception: b2t it wasn=t the Gs7ide my tong2e aro2nd in yo2r mo2th I=m so hot 9or yo2= 8ind o9 8iss. It was more tender: persona7: and 7oving. Je77y was 7eaning over the dining tab7e: s7icing some 8ind o9 choco7ate dessert coated with a white whipped topping. .Is o2r da2ghter 9ina77y s7eeping34 .1es: she=s so2nd as7eep.4 .Taryn sang to her.4 Ryan too8 my hand in his 2nder the tab7e. ./e77: I thin8 yo2 two are going to ma8e wonder927 parents one day * when yo2=re ready. Cami rea77y s2rprised me tonight. She never goes o99 with peop7e she=s 2n9ami7iar with. 2t yo2:4 Je77y m2sed and s7id a piece o9 pie in 9ront o9 me: .she 7oved yo2 instant7y.4 Ber comment made me smi7e. I was <2ite ta8en with the 7itt7e gir7 myse79. I 9e7t Ryan=s hand s<2eeDe mine.

.She=s abso72te7y adorab7e: Je77y. ?ne day: perhaps.4 ,hange the sub!e t, Taryn% .Je77y: I=ve been meaning to as8 yo2 a <2estion. /hen yo2 were on *ust $eighbors there was a character * his name was Jip34 .1es: Jip. That was Iesse ?ber7y who p7ayed him.4 ./hat ever happened to him3 I was s2rprised when he was 8i77ed o99. I=m sorry 9or bringing it 2p: b2t when I see yo2: I thin8 o9 him and wonder why he died on the show. 0id he ma8e someone angry and get 9ired34 .!o: Iesse 7e9t on his own. )ct2a77y I >2st spo8e to him and his wi9e a co2p7e o9 wee8s ago. Be has a ranch in Tennessee now where he breeds and trains racehorses. Be=s never been happier. ?ne day he had a meeting with the prod2cer and said he wanted o2t. Be on7y signed on 9or one season: and when his contract was 9279i77ed: the writers had his character die. -ore drama that way.4 ./hy did he want to 7eave3 Bis character was so pop27ar:4 I as8ed: samp7ing my s7ice o9 pie. .Be wasn=t happy. Be was a bri77iant actorC very nat2ra7 in 9ront o9 the cameras. 2t he didn=t 7i8e a77 the attention or the invasion o9 his privacy. Jind o9 reminds me o9 someone e7se we 8now34 She 7oo8ed at Ryan. .Je77y: they post on the Internet where I=m having dinner 9or Aod=s sa8e. The attention I can hand7eC the obsessive crap is something a7together di99erent:4 Ryan de9ended. .!o: I 2nderstand. /hen my show 9irst aired: o2r cast went thro2gh something simi7ar. /e were 9o77owed and reported on: and o9 co2rse we were a77 s7eeping with each other tooE I thin8 in one wee8 it was reported that I s7ept with 9o2r di99erent actors 9rom the show. /hi7e I was in the ma8e2p trai7er: s2pposed7y I was getting 72c8y at the same timeE ?ne o9 the magaDines reported that I had a wee87ong a99air with this one actor when in rea7ity I was at home with the 972. Ca7 8nows. /e had >2st started seeing each other.4 .So how do the magaDines get away with printing a77 the 7ies3 Can=t yo2 s2e or something34 I as8ed. .I wish. It=s the 7ies that se77 the magaDines:4 Je77y 2ttered sad7y. .The bigger the 7ie: the more money they ma8e. )nd i9 they get some racy pict2res too 6 that co27d t2rn a he9ty pro9it 9or the photographer.4 ./e had o2r pict2re ta8en a 7ot tonight:4 I m2rm2red. Ryan s<2eeDed my hand again.

.I2st be prepared: Sweetheart. Those pict2res o9 2s are going to be a77 over the tab7oids: Internet: yo2 name it. There=s going to be o2t7andish captions 2nder those pict2res too: 7i8e when we both c7eared o99 yo2r windshie7d3 I9 yo2 moved yo2r arm too 9ast to sweep one o9 the papers o99: they=77 print that yo2 were having a >ea7o2s 9it.4 Be r2bbed his 9orehead. .I2st don=t read them.4 Be 7oo8ed me in the eyes. .Remember what I to7d yo2 when we were 9ishing3 1o2 can=t be7ieve anything yo2 hear: read: or see. I9 something needs to be c7ari9ied 9or the p2b7ic: I have a @2b7icist.4 .Can I as8 a st2pid <2estion3 )re yo2 even a77owed to have a gir79riend whi7e doing these Seaside movies34 I 9e7t d2mb >2st 9or as8ing: b2t a9ter what S2Danne said I wanted to 8now. Ryan 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was craDy. ./hat34 he as8ed. .)re yo2 2nder some contract or anything that says yo2=re not a77owed to be seen in p2b7ic with a gir79riend34 .!o.4 Be shoo8 his head and s<2inted at me. ./here wo27d yo2 get an idea 7i8e that34 .Something S2Danne said.4 I shr2gged. ./hat did she say34 .She said that the st2dio e;ec2tives wi77 be 2pset once they discover yo2=re seeing me * that they wo27dn=t a77ow it.4 Ryan abr2pt7y sat 9orwardC the 7egs o9 his chair s<2ea8ed on the ti7ed 97oor. .She said what34 Bis eyes were wide. .She said e;act7y what I >2st said: and a7so that i9 yo2 stay sing7e: yo2r 9an base wi77 be higher and yo2r movies wi77 ma8e more money. 2t i9 the p2b7ic 8nows yo2=re invo7ved with someone: yo2 may 7ose 9ans: yo2r movies won=t ma8e as m2ch money: and the st2dio e;ec2tives won=t a77ow that to happen.4 .Is this another reason why yo2 were so 2pset 7ast S2nday3 eca2se o9 these 7ies34 Ryan as8ed. ./e77: it was part o9 it. S2Danne made it seem 7i8e some st2dio e;ec2tive was going to brea8 2s 2p 9irst.4 Je77y gasped.

.That=s comp7ete7y abs2rdE4 he m2ttered. .They can=t do that.4 Be 7oo8ed at Ca7 9or reass2rance. Ca7 didn=t say a wordC his head was swaying bac8 and 9orth in disbe7ie9. .So what other 7ies did she te77 yo234 Ryan=s 7oo8 9rightened me. I co27d te77 he was angry. I 7oo8ed down at the tab7e: hoping to dismiss this entire conversation: b2t Ryan s<2eeDed my hand again. .Taryn: what e7se did she say34 I too8 a deep breath and 7oo8ed at Ca7 and Je77y. I didn=t want to say the rest o9 what she said to me in 9ront o9 them. .I=77 te77 yo2 7ater:4 I said <2iet7y to Ryan. .!o: I want to 8now nowE4 he 2rged. .I a7ways said that gir7 was tro2b7e:4 Je77y inter>ected. .She basica77y ca77ed yo2 a womaniDer: b2t in many more words:4 I whispered. ./hat3 She ca77ed me what34 Bis eyes scr2nched 2p in con92sion. ./hat is that s2pposed to mean34 I stared at my dessert p7ate. .She said that yo2 s7eep with di99erent women in every town. 1o2 te77 them what they want to hear so yo2 can get some: and yo2 7eave a trai7 o9 bro8en hearts behind yo2.4 I 7oc8ed my eyes on his. .She a7so said that yo2 7ie to women to ma8e them 9ee7 7i8e they=re yo2r per9ect match 6 that yo2=re a ta7ented actor and a gi9ted 7iar and I was >2st another 9oo7 to 9a77 9or it. St2pid )merican gir7sH Then she said that once yo2 7eave to do yo2r ne;t movie and 9ind yo2r ne;t con<2est: yo2=77 9orget a77 abo2t me.4 Ca7 started to 7a2gh. )pparent7y my comment was am2sing to him. .?h my AodE !o wayE4 Je77y sho2ted. .Taryn: that=s s2ch a 7ieE Ryan is the comp7ete opposite o9 thatE4 Ryan=s 9ace t2rned red. .She=s a 92c8ing piece o9 wor8: that gir7. /hy didn=t yo2 te77 me a77 o9 this be9ore34 Be was de9inite7y angry. . eca2se I was scared and I didn=t want to ca2se prob7ems 9or yo2.4 I hid my eyes 2nder my hand. .I even tho2ght that i9 I 7et yo2 go: then yo2 wo27dn=t 9ee7 ob7igated and somehow yo2=d be better o99. 1o2 have eno2gh stress to dea7 with witho2t me r2ining yo2r career. The 7ast thing I want is to be another name on yo2r stress 7ist.4 .!o wonder yo2 were crying so hard. I went downstairs 9or 9i9teen min2tesC when I

7e9t yo2 with -arie everything was 9ine: and when I came bac8: yo2 were 9a77ing to pieces and brea8ing 2p with me. It a77 ma8es sense now.4 .1o2 tried to brea8 2p with him at the party34 Je77y shrie8ed in horror. Ryan nodded at her and then g7anced bac8 to me. .I=m going to rip her throat o2t when I see her:4 he spit thro2gh his teeth. Tho2ghts o9 his career and his movie being >eopardiDed beca2se o9 me 97ashed thro2gh my mind. .That=s why I didn=t te77 yo2:4 I m2ttered: 9ee7ing g2i7ty. .TarynE4 he started. .Ryan: yo2 have a m27ti*mi77ion do77ar movie riding on the 9act that yo2 have to get a7ong with her. )nd there=s a third movie which yo2 are 2nder contract to 9inish. I don=t want to be the cata7yst to dissension.4 .She=s right: Ryan:4 Je77y agreed. .)s m2ch as I despise that gir7: yo2 do have contract2a7 ob7igations. )nd having yo2 b7ow 2p at her in 9ront o9 everyone wo27d not be a good idea.4 ./hy is she doing this to me34 Bis 9ingers c7enched his hair. ./e used to get a7ong so we77.4 .She obvio2s7y wants to 8eep other women away 9rom yo2: so either she=s in 7ove with yo2 orH4 Then it dawned on me. .?r she=s 9ending o99 the competition 9or a 9riend.4 Be 7oo8ed at me and it c7ic8ed. .5rancesca:4 he m2rm2red. Bis eyes 97ashed over to Ca7 and Je77y: who were both staring bac8 in s2rprise. .She 8nows abo2t my s7ip with 5rancesca. I=m not 8eeping any secrets 9rom Taryn. )nd >2st so yo2 be7ieve meH4 Be 7oo8ed over at Ca7. .Ca7: wo27d yo2 p7ease te77 Taryn when: where: and why.4 .That=s not necessary:4 I inter>ected. Ca7 c7eared his throat. ./e77: I don=t 8now abo2t the why: Ryan: on7y yo2 can answer that one. 2t it=s been over a year now sinceHthen.4 Ca7 9oc2sed on me. ./e were in -aine 9i7ming the 9irst movie. I remember it c7ear7y 7i8e it was yesterday.4 Something he reca77ed seemed to tro2b7e him. .Ryan had his 9irst tra2matic 9an enco2nter. I be7ieve yo2 were comp7ete7y overwhe7med:4 he stated direct7y. .5ans were everywhere screaming. /e went into a c72b

and some gir7 grabbed him aro2nd the nec8. Ber boy9riend either tried to remove her o99 o9 Ryan or he too8 a swing at him 6 I=m not s2re: b2t Ryan ended 2p getting p2nched in the 9ace.4 The tho2ght made his 7ips c2r7 in disg2st. .)nyway: we tried to ca7m him downC he spent a 9ew ho2rs in the corner tossing bac8 shots o9 whis8ey.4 .5ran was a7ways sni99ing aro2nd his trai7erC it was no secret that she had a cr2sh on him:4 Je77y added. . 2t 9or the 7ongest time: he >2st ignored her. @ersona77y I thin8 yo2 were home*sic8 and 9rea8ed o2t:4 Ca7 said. .) 7ot o9 both act2a77y.4 Ryan grimaced. The way Ryan spo8e: I imagined he was <2ite 7one7y when he gave in to 5rancesca. .)9ter that one time: 5ran started to act even stranger. Things have been weird ever since. )nd since we=ve gotten bac8 to 9i7ming the second movie: the two gir7s have been inseparab7e:4 Ca7 to7d me. ./ho was the gir7 that so7d the story to the tab7oid34 Je77y as8ed. .That was the gir7 I was seeing 9rom the theatre bac8 home. 1o2 met her once when we shot the scenes in )cadia: remember3 She came to -aine that one time. /ho 8nows: maybe the bitch sisters got to her too3 )h: it doesn=t matter. She was more concerned abo2t hoo8ing 2p with my agent and getting me to ma8e ca77s 9or her than she was abo2t o2r re7ationship.4 Be shr2gged the tho2ght 9rom his mind. .I=m going to have to dea7 with this:4 Ryan m2ttered. Be chewed his 7ip 6 pondering again. .Ryan: >2st 7et it go:4 I advised. .)nything yo2 do is going to ma8e things worse. I2st do yo2r movies: p7ay yo2r part. ) 9ew years 9rom now this wi77 a77 be behind yo2.4 .1eah: yo2=re right.4 Be gave me a brie9 smi7e and s<2eeDed my hand. I was g7ad he agreed. S2Danne seemed to have more than eno2gh reasons to despise me.

Chapter 1/ - 5use

Ryan he7d my hand as he drove 2s homeC o2r arms rested on the center conso7e. .I rea77y 7i8e driving this car:4 he commented. .It hand7es great.4 .1o2 loo" 7i8e yo2 en>oy driving this car. )nd I=m en>oying getting driven aro2nd 9or once. I=m so 2sed to driving that I never get to rea77y 7oo8 at the scenery.4 ./e need to get the windows tinted dar8er tho2gh. That way the photographers can=t get too many daytime driving shots o9 yo2:4 he gr2mb7ed. I never gave any consideration to tho2ghts 7i8e that: a7tho2gh I never had to worry abo2t having my pict2re ta8en either. Sti77: I 7oved hearing him say Gwe.= Be ad>2sted his grip on the steering whee7. .I never get to drive. I=m a7ways >2mping in the bac8 seat o9 cars instead.4 .?r h2r7ed into the bac8 seat o9 cars:4 I added. Be 7oo8ed over at me <2ic87y. .B2r7ed34 .I saw yo2 on te7evision once. 1o2 were getting carried thro2gh a crowd by a 9ew big sec2rity g2ys. It 7oo8ed 7i8e they >2st tossed yo2 into the car.4 ./hen was that34 he as8ed. ./hen yo2 were in L.). a co2p7e o9 wee8s ago. I panic8ed when I saw how they man*hand7ed yo2.4 I 9e7t his hand s<2eeDe mine tighter. .1o2r car was comp7ete7y s2rro2nded by screaming 9ansC they were po2nding on yo2r windows. I worried 9or a moment that they were going to brea8 thro2gh the g7ass. That was the night when yo2 9irst ca77ed me: wasn=t it34 .1es.4 Be raised my hand to his 7ips. .)nd that was the night yo2 ca7med me down. I remember craw7ing 2nder the b7an8ets to ta78 to yo2.4 .I remember wishing that yo2 weren=t on the other side o9 the co2ntry:4 I whispered. .A2ess we both got o2r wish.4 Be grinned. Be t2rned onto -27berry StreetC we were on7y a b7oc8 away and I had my ce77 phone

in hand: ready to ca77 the po7ice. @ar8ed across the street 9rom the p2b were some SUFs: a van: and a 9ew cars. There were a 9ew photographers on the sidewa78: b2t not a 7arge crowd 7i8e I had 9eared. Ryan 7oo8ed 2p and down the street. .Ready to ma8e a r2n 9or it34 I was re7ieved to see my par8ing spot 9ree o9 7ove notes and trash. .-a8e s2re yo2 pay Iason we77:4 I re<2ested <2iet7y. Ryan 8ept me on the inside o9 his arm: c7ose to the b2i7dings instead o9 the street. /e sprint*wa78ed down the sidewa78. It didn=t ta8e 7ong 9or the paparaDDi to wa8e 2p and start c7ic8ing. ) 9ew photographers >2mped o2t o9 the vans: c7ic8ing their cameras 9ierce7y. I >2st 9oc2sed on the 7ines on the sidewa78 and the distance 9rom my 9eet to the door. 5or one second I 7et my eyes g7ance 2p 92rther to chec8 9or dangerC that=s when I noticed the c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed gir7 r2nning towards 2s. She had things in her hands: no do2bt a pict2re or two 9or him to sign. I tho2ght it pec27iarC a77 gir7s trave7 in pac8s. 1o2 wo27d rare7y see a gir7 witho2t a 9e77ow gir79riend tagging a7ongH >2st 7i8e S2Danne and 5rancesca. 2t this gir7 seemed to be a7one. @eop7e were ye77ing .Ryan: Ryan4 and even a 9ew times ye77ed .-s. -itche774 or .Taryn4 to get me to 7oo8: b2t I copied Ryan=s stance and 8ept my 9oc2s on getting to the door. Some o9 the photographers were trying to be nice: as8ing 2s i9 we en>oyed o2r evening. Ryan didn=t answer. Be t2c8ed his chin down to his chest and I 9e7t his grip on my waist get tighter. I had my 8ey ready in my right hand. The c2r7y*haired gir7 reached 2s be9ore we got to my door. She a7most 72nged at Ryan: and I gasped at her 9orward behavior. Be instinctive7y raised his right arm to b7oc8 her and he t2rned his body in my direction. I co27d 9ee7 his panic 7eve7 matching mine. ./hoa: whoaE4 he ca2tioned her. She started babb7ing abo2t how m2ch she 7oves his movies and his acting abi7ities. Be gracio2s7y s7ipped the mar8er o2t o9 her hand and scribb7ed his a2tograph inside her boo8: trying to be cordia7. ) 9ew other annoying men and women stepped 2p to get a2tographs too: and Ryan signed his name as <2ic87y as he co27d. I grimaced as I st2c8 my 8ey in the doorC I hoped that their pathetic day was comp7ete

now that they dist2rbed him and got his signat2re on a pict2re. I twisted the 8ey in the 7oc8 and grabbed the s7eeve o9 his >ac8et with my other hand: p277ing him thro2gh my doorway. /e wa78ed 2p my apartment steps in si7enceC both o9 2s s7ight7y tra2matiDed 9rom the r2sh that 9o77owed a simp7e act o9 >2st coming home 9rom a nice dinner with 9riends. I on7y t2rned on one 7ight in my 7iving roomC I co27d imagine a77 the peop7e down on the sidewa78 staring 2p at my windows: ana7yDing the shadows in my apartment. I wonder if these shades are opa2ue enough# .o I need heavy urtains too# I h2ng my coat 2p in the c7oset and pic8ed his coat 2p to hang it 2p too. . abe: do yo2 have yo2r phone or is it in yo2r coat34 I patted his poc8ets to 9ee7 9or it. Be was staring o99 at one o9 the c7osed windows: deep in tho2ght. -y words p277ed his attention bac8 to me. I smi7ed at him: b2t his mind was a mi77ion mi7es away. I went into the 8itchen and p277ed a bott7e o2t o9 the wine 9ridgeC a two*year*o7d bott7e o9 ice wine * my 9avorite. I po2red two g7assesC I 9ig2red he co27d 2se a nightcap and I wanted him to try one o9 the wines 9rom o2r vineyards. Be was sitting in the sing7e chair in the 7iving roomC his head was in his hands. I cro2ched down in 9ront o9 him: drawing his eyes to 7oo8 at me. .Bey: are yo2 o8ay34 I handed the g7ass to him. .I g2ess I=m >2st tired:4 he m2rm2red. I didn=t b2y it. Be was tro2b7ed again: and I was wise eno2gh now to 8now why. Severa7 ideas o9 how to distract him danced thro2gh my mind. I h2rried down the ha77way with my new7y 9ormed p7an. I wo27d need a 9ew things and a 9ew min2tes a7one. )9ter ta8ing a thoro2gh moment to 9reshen 2p in the bathroom: I 7oc8ed my bedroom door and changed my c7othes. This will ta"e his mind off his worries, I tho2ght to myse79 as a b2c87ed the dainty 7eather strap attached to my shoes aro2nd my an87e. ?nce I was comp7ete: I made my approach down the dar8 ha77way: stopping >2st where the 7ight met the dar8ness. Ryan 7oo8ed 2p and gasped. .1o2 7i8e34 I as8ed: t2rning s7ight7y 9or him to get a new view o9 the a772ring b7ac8 2ndergarments I was bare7y wearing. Be sprang o2t o9 the chair 7i8e someone set him on 9ire and crossed the distance between 2s in three strides. I combed his hair bac8 with my 9ingers and so9t7y bit his ear7obe

in my teeth. ./ant to go vio7ate me on a poo7 tab7e34 I whispered in his ear be9ore p277ing his 7ips to mine.

The so2nd o9 peop7e ye77ing at each other start7ed me 9rom my s7eep. -y head >2mped o99 my pi77ow as my eyes tried to 9oc2s in the morning 7ight. .B2h: what=s wrong34 Ryan m2mb7ed: sti77 most7y as7eep. I s2ppose I wo8e him when I 97inched. I heard tr2c8 bra8es s<2ea7 and doors s7amC the noises were coming 9rom the a77ey. I crept over to the window on my tippy*toesC the wood 97oor was co7d. ?2tside: there were severa7 men with cameras arg2ing with the driver o9 one o9 the de7ivery tr2c8s: b2t I co27dn=t see the entire a77ey 9rom this ang7e as part o9 the 9ire escape was in the way. I p277ed the b7ind bac8 another ha79 inch to get a better view. .Boney: p2t some c7othes on 9irst i9 yo2=re going to pee8 o2t the windows:4 Ryan m2ttered. Be was r2bbing his eyes with his 9ingers. I grabbed one o9 his T*shirts 9rom his open bag that was on the 97oor and s7ipped it over my head. The cotton he7d his scent: and a7tho2gh I 7i8ed his man7y sme77: this shirt desperate7y needed to be washed. ./hat=s happening o2t there34 he as8ed. I was sti77 trying to 9ig2re it o2t. .There are a 9ew photographers arg2ing with a de7ivery tr2c8 driver.4 I observed arms being raised over headsC it seemed that the a77eyway disc2ssion was getting heated. .There are cars par8ed in the a77eyC I g2ess the tr2c8 can=t get thro2gh. They can=t par8 there.4 It was apparent that the paparaDDi were camping o2t by my doors: waiting 9or any sign o9 Ryan Christensen. I tho2ght abo2t ca77ing the po7ice b2t I didn=t need toC a cr2iser >2st t2rned down the a77ey. .The cops are here:4 I m2ttered. Two po7ice o99icers e;ited the car and I noticed that they both had their hands hovering over their g2ns. )rms contin2ed to wave in the air as both parties arg2ed their sides to the cops. .I g2ess the paparaDDi can=t read the G!o @ar8ing= signs.4

.)rrest them a77E4 Ryan boomed: c2r7ing his hand 2nderneath his 9ace on the pi77ow. Bis comment made me smi7e. . aby: come bac8 to bed:4 he whined. I 7oo8ed at him then 7oo8ed at the doorwayC might as we77 hit the bathroom whi7e I=m 2p. Be saw my hesitation and decided to race me. I9 he hadn=t b2mped me into the ha77way wa77 I wo27d have won: b2t he 7et me go ahead o9 him anyway. /hi7e I made a pot o9 co99ee: I heard the shower t2rn on. I p277ed the shower c2rtain bac8 9ar eno2gh to get a view. /e had no bo2ndaries anymore. I watched the water and soap b2bb7es g7ide down his body. 0amn: he was hot. .1o2 want to >oin me34 he as8ed: scr2bbing the shampoo in his hair. I tho2ght abo2t it 9or a min2te. (ven tho2gh we both 9it in the t2b: one person was a7ways 7e9t in the co7d end o9 the shower and I wanted to spend some e;tra time primping. .I=77 wait 2nti7 yo2=re 9inished.4 Be he7d o2t his hand. .I can=t wait that 7ong. Aet in here.4 I stepped over the edge o9 the t2b. .It wo27d probab7y be better i9 there were two shower heads in here: h2h34 he as8ed as i9 he co27d read my mind. I nodded in agreement. ./hen were yo2 p7anning on starting the bathroom remode734 I hadn=t rea77y tho2ght abo2t it 2nti7 he as8ed. .I don=t 8now. I need to 9inish the design 9irst. I on7y have ro2gh s8etches.4 .The hote7 I stayed in when I was o2t in L.) had a h2ge ti7ed shower. It even had a power conso7e 9or a77 the 9eat2res.4 Be motioned down the wa77 with his hand. .I=ve never seen a shower so comp7icated. There were >ets in the wa77s: removab7e shower wands: and a big shower head in the center.4 .It probab7y had a steam setting too:4 I added. .So what do yo2 thin8 o9 that idea tho2gh34 .So2nds e;pensive. I don=t thin8 I co27d a99ord that:4 I m2ttered: r2bbing my hands across his soapy chest. . esides: there=s not eno2gh s<2are 9ootage in this bathroom to ho7d that 7arge o9 a shower.4 .I wish yo2 wo27d stop worrying abo2t st299 7i8e that.4 Bis warm eyes g7istened as he 7oo8ed at me. .)nd I=m not ta78ing abo2t p2tting something 7i8e that in this bathroom.4

Bis hand reached o2t and grabbed my b2tt: p277ing me towards him. Be s7ipped his 9ingers over my nec8 and p7aced a 7ingering: pers2asive 8iss on my 7ips. I thin8 I got the message he tried to convey: b2t I sti77 was not going to ma8e any ass2mptions. .0o yo2 have any idea how incredib7y se;y yo2 are34 he as8ed me. I groaned so9t7y at his 97attering remar8. .That=s 92nnyH I was thin8ing the same e;act thing abo2t yo2.4 Bis 7ips 9rowned down and he ro77ed his eyes. .See: yo2 9ee7 the same way abo2t those 8inds o9 comp7iments.4 I po2red shampoo in my hand. . y the way: than8 yo2 9or 7ast night.4 Be smir8ed. .I g2ess I need to apo7ogiDe 9or tearing yo2r panties to shreds. I don=t 8now what came over me.4 I smi7ed: remembering 9ond7y his e;2berance when he ripped the sma77 seam on my sheer 2nderwear and ran his pa7m 2p my spine to bend me over the poo7 tab7e. .I=77 give yo2 my card so yo2 can rep7ace them:4 he m2rm2red. .That=s o8ay. 1o2 don=t have to do thatC I have more. 0on=t worry abo2t it.4 I was concentrating e;tra hard on not c2tting my 7eg with the raDor. ./hy are yo2 so damn opposed to 7etting me b2y yo2 things34 I shr2gged: wishing he=d drop it. .I=m not 2sed to having someone want to b2y me things: Ryan. I never rea77y had that in other re7ationships. I a7ways had to ta8e care o9 myse79.4 In act2a7ity it was a7ways me who was the one who gave things to the boy instead o9 the other way aro2nd. )77 o9 the boy9riends I had in the past were bare7y getting by on their own 7et a7one have eno2gh money to b2y gi9ts 9or me. ./e77: I=m not 7i8e that: TarynE4 I 8new he was genero2s and meant we77. .Ryan: I have never been nor wi77 I ever be the type o9 woman who e;pects things or ta8es advantage o9 peop7e. I9 yo2 want to b2y me something: I can=t stop yo2. 2t I don=t e;pect yo2 to either. )nd I=m certain7y not going to ta8e yo2r credit card and go on a shopping spree.4 .Then answer thisC why did yo2 pay Tammy and @ete 9or the catering3 0o yo2 thin8 I=m the type o9 person who wants to ta8e advantage o9 yo234 Bis tone was de9inite7y 7eaning towards anger.

I was starting to wonder i9 this was o2r 9irst arg2mentH over money o9 a77 things. I 9o2nd myse79 becoming 9r2strated with the who7e topic. .-aybe I want to ta8e care o9 yo2 >2st as m2ch as yo2 want to ta8e care o9 me. 0id yo2 ever thin8 o9 that3 /hy did yo2 b2y me diamond earrings and a nec87ace3 It=s the same <2estion.4 I t2rned the water o99 and he handed a towe7 to me. .I got yo2 those things beca2se I wanted to. I was in a >ewe7ry store and yo2 were the on7y person I was thin8ing o9.4 Bis tone was so9t and <2iet. .)nd I paid Tammy beca2se I wanted to treat yo2 to a nice dinner party with a77 o9 our 9riends. 5ou were the on7y person I was thin8ing abo2t.4 .Then why won=t yo2 accept the earrings: i9 it=s my way o9 ta8ing care o9 yo234 . eca2se they were e;pensive and 2nnecessary. I to7d yo2: there=s on7y one gi9t I hope to have 9rom yo2.4 I p7aced my 9ingers on his chest. .)nd i9 yo2=re 2ns2re o9 what that is: it=s right 2nderneath my hand.4 .1o2 a7ready have that:4 he whispered. .Then I have everything I needE4 I rose 2p on my toes to 8iss him. I dried my hair in the bathroom and ass2med he=d sti77 be in the bedroom: b2t he wasn=t there. I 9o2nd him in the 8itchenC he was digging in the re9rigerator sti77 wearing a towe7. .)re pants optiona7 today34 I teased: wondering i9 he wanted to spend the day in bed again. I too8 two co99ee c2ps o2t o9 the cabinet and po2red a c2p 9or each o9 2s. Be smi7ed innocent7y. .I=m act2a77y o2t o9 c7ean c7othes. 0o yo2 thin8 I can 2se yo2r washer34 Ryan d2mped his entire bag: min2s his s2it: into my washing machine. Typica7 g2y * not bothering to separate whites and dar8s. I p277ed everything bac8 o2t o9 the washer and made two pi7es. .I wish I had the rest o9 my c7othes 9rom the hote7C that a77 needs to be washed too.4 .Can anyone pic8 it 2p 9or yo234 I as8ed. Three phone ca77s 7ater: he made arrangements with Iason and the hote7 to retrieve his things. Iason was going to de7iver his bags: b2t not 9or a co2p7e o9 ho2rs. I was 7oo8ing 9orward to seeing Iason to than8 him 9or c7eaning 2p my par8ing space.

I went into the spare room to see i9 I co27d 9ind something 9or him to wearC I 8new I sti77 had a 9ew bo;es o9 my dad=s c7othing that I hadn=t gotten aro2nd to ta8ing to the Aoodwi77. Ryan 9o77owed me as I h2nted. .There=s some sweatpants in this bo;. (verything is c7ean.4 Be chec8ed the tag on a gray pair o9 sweat pants and s7ipped them on. -y 9ather was >2st a 7itt7e bigger than Ryan: b2t not by m2ch. I 9o2nd some cotton shirts in another bo;. I tossed a b7ac8 T*shirt to him. .)77 this was yo2r dad=s34 I nodded and moved a bo; away 9rom my co77ection o9 stained g7ass. I didn=t want the bo; to 9a77 and brea8 anything. .This is as so9t as that b72e shirt yo2 gave me. 5its tooE )re yo2 getting rid o9 a77 this st29934 .I was going to donate it. 1o2=re we7come to ta8e anything yo2 want.4 .)re yo2 s2re3 1o2 don=t mind34 .!o: I don=t mind.4 I smi7ed. Ryan=s presence made the 7oss o9 my 9ather a 7ot more bearab7e. .Coo7E -y c7othes seem to 8eep disappearing 9rom the hote7. I=m wondering i9 Iason is even going to 9ind anything 7e9t to bring over here.4 I 7a2ghed. .I heard abo2t thatE A2ess someone is se77ing yo2r st299 on the Internet: eh34 Be smir8ed at me. .That=s why I don=t bother b2ying a 7ot o9 e;pensive st299. (very time I stay at a hote7: my c7othes go missing.4 Be had made a sma77 pi7e o9 c7othing that he apparent7y wanted to have. I was s7ight7y s2rprised that he wasn=t opposed to wearing hand*me*downs. (ven tho2gh he was a 9amo2s ce7ebrity: he certain7y didn=t act 7i8e one. That was one more trait abo2t him that I adored. /hi7e he was sti77 r2mmaging thro2gh the T*shirt bo;: I paged thro2gh one o9 my stained g7ass boo8s. I tho2ght since he invited me to his mother=s birthday dinner that I might ma8e her a gi9t. I didn=t want to go empty handedC I wasn=t raised that way. .0oes yo2r mom 7i8e stained g7ass34 I 9o2nd a nice pict2re 9rame that I co27d ma8e 9or her. .I g2ess.4 Be was sti77 b2sy digging in another 7arge bo; o9 st299. .Coo7E Therma7

shirts. Taryn: this one sti77 has tags on it.4 Be p2t it on his pi7e. ./hy do yo2 as834 .I thin8 I=m going to ma8e her something 9or her birthday. 0o yo2 thin8 she might 7i8e this34 I showed him the pict2re. .That=s rea77y nice. 2t yo2 don=t have to do that. I a7ready got her a present. It can be 9rom both o9 2s.4 -y heart s8ipped another beat when he said the word G2s= again. .Than8s: b2t that=s 9rom yo2. I was thin8ing that I=d 7i8e to give her something persona7 9rom me.4 I se7ected a piece o9 te;t2red: c7ear g7ass and he7d it 2p to the 7ight. I sat down at my tab7e with the pattern and began to trace o2t the di99erent siDed rectang27ar shapes I wo27d need whi7e Ryan was sti77 digging in the bo;es o9 c7othes. I grabbed my g7ass c2tter and began to c2t a7ong the 7ines I traced. .That 7oo8s 7i8e 92n. Can I try34 he as8ed hesitant7y: b2t I co27d hear the desire in his voice. I co27dn=t he7p b2t grin at him. !one o9 my past boy9riends ever too8 an interest into watching me wor8 6 Ryan was a 9irst. .S2reE Bave a seat.4 I he7d his hand on top o9 the c2tter and g2ided his hand 2nti7 he had a 9ee7 9or the amo2nt o9 press2re he needed to app7y. .Bow am I doing34 he as8ed: concentrated on c2tting the g7ass. .1o2=re doing greatE I2st c2t it past the 7ine a 7itt7e 92rther so that the creases over7ap: that wi77 ma8e 9or a c7eaner brea8.4 .Iob we77 done: -r. ChristensenE4 I comp7emented him when he 9inished. .!e;t step: the grinder.4 .?oh... the grinder,4 he said with a 7ow: se;y voice. .Jind o9 so2nds 7i8e what yo2 did to me 7ast nightE4 .-aybe i9 yo2 as8 nice7y I=77 do the same to yo2 7ater tonight.4 I gave the 9ront o9 his sweatpants a 7itt7e toss. .1o2 are my most 9avorite person in the who7e wide wor7d. 1o2 8now that: right34 .Bere p2t these sa9ety gogg7es onE4 I gigg7ed. .@ieces o9 g7ass wi77 97y a77 overC yo2 have to protect yo2r eyes.4 .This is >2st 7i8e high schoo7 shop c7ass:4 he ch2c87ed: s7ipping the 7ess than attractive g7asses on his 9ace. I t2rned the grinder on and this time he stayed behind me with his hand on top o9

mine: g7iding each piece aro2nd the bit 2nti7 it was smooth. I was trying my best to concentrate on smoothing the sharp edges o9 the g7ass in my hand: b2t he was ma8ing it <2ite di99ic27t with his 7ips so c7ose to my ear. I stopped a9ter grinding a 9ew pieces. .1o2 want to give it a try on yo2r own34 .1o2 tr2st me with yo2r power too7s34 .It=s either the grinder or 9oi7ing the edges.4 I pointed. .Ta8e yo2r pic8.4 .-anE4 Be patted his chest. .-an 2se power too7. -an get more co99ee 9irst.4 Be t2rned the machine o99. ./oman want more co99ee too34 ./oman get man brea89ast:4 I 7a2ghed: grabbing the bac8 o9 his sweats to e;pose his bare bottom. I too8 a bite o9 my bage7 and watched as he stood at the grinder. .)re yo2 having 92n over there34 I as8ed. Be 7oo8ed bac8 at me and smi7ed. .1eah: I amE This is pretty coo7E I=m in the DoneE4 ?nce a77 the pieces were 9oi7ed: I 7aid o2t the pattern and handed him the 972;. Bave yo2 ever so7dered be9ore34 I as8ed. .1eah: b2t not 7i8e that.4 Be nodded at my wor8. .Bere: 7i8e this.4 I showed him what I needed him to do. I started so7dering the pieces together. .Aive it a try.4 I 7et him have my seat. S2rprising7y he did a great >ob. /ithin two ho2rs o2r wor8 o9 art was comp7ete. Be he7d the 9rame 2p towards the 7ight. .-y mom=s going to love thisE4 I wa78ed o99 to the bedroom to get changed: since Iason wo27d be de7ivering Ryan=s bags soon and I was bare7y dressed. I s7ipped on a pair o9 >eans: 7ayered on another shirt: and headed bac8 to the 7iving room. Ryan was 7eaning on the wa77 by the 9ront windows with a c2p o9 co99ee in his hand: peering down to the street. Bis 9ace was tro2b7ed again. I stepped ne;t to him to see what he was 7oo8ing at: b2t he b7oc8ed me with his chest. .0on=t:4 he m2rm2red. .!o sense in both o9 2s being 2pset.4 I 7oo8ed him in the eyesC my e;pression p7eading: hoping he=d e;p7ain 92rther. Bis 7ips p2rsed together and he m2ttered one word. .5ans.4 .Bow many34

.Lots.4 I too8 his 9ree hand in mine. .Come on: I=77 ma8e yo2 some 72nch.4 I 7ed him to the 8itchen. I made sandwiches and we sat <2iet7y at the 7itt7e wooden 8itchen tab7e. I 8new he was comp7ete7y absorbed in thin8ing abo2t the crowd o2tside. Be wore his emotions on his s7eeve and they were easy to read. Be bare7y ate anything. ./hat is it abo2t the 9ans that 2psets yo2 so m2ch34 I r2bbed the top o9 his hand. Be 7oo8ed away in disg2st. Be spent a7most a who7e min2te sha8ing his head: breathing hard: and r2bbing his hand across his 9orehead. 5ina77y he 7oo8ed me in the eyes. .They abso72te7y terri9y me:4 he whispered. I s<2eeDed his hand in reass2rance. .I have this horrib7e 9ee7ing 7i8e one o9 them is >2st going to go too 9ar one day. Some o9 their behavior borders on the de72siona7. They scream at meH they say that they 7ove me.4 Be 7oo8ed at his p7ate and sighed. .Bow can they even say that34 I p2t my c2p down on the tab7e. I wanted him to 9ina77y 7et it o2t and I wasn=t going to be distracted by anything. .So I made a st2pid movie once. ig dea7E Tho2sands o9 actors ma8e movies every damn dayE I=m a person: >2st 7i8e any other g2y.4 Be pa2sed to scratch his eyebrows. .I am 9o77owed everywhere I go. (verything I do is scr2tiniDed to the nth degree. )nd then I have to dea7 with that34 Be waved towards the 9ront o9 my apartment. ./hat do they e;pect3 )re they waiting down there 9or me to pic8 one o9 them o2t o9 the crowd3 !ow serving n2mber #,3 0o these women act2a77y thin8 that i9 they stand on yo2r sidewa78 7ong eno2gh they might get a date with me3 It=s psychoticE .I had to have my ce77 n2mber changed so many times I can=t co2nt anymore. These gir7s 7eave notes and 7etters on everything * my car: the 9ront steps to the hote7: yo2r carH yo2 name it. 5or what3 0oes -indy or Cindy thin8 that >2st beca2se they wrote on a piece o9 paper that they=re the per9ect woman 9or me I=d be inc7ined to ca77 them3 /hat is wrong with a77 o9 them3 .1o2 saw how many notes covered yo2r car yesterday. 5or the sa8e o9 arg2ment: 7et=s say that there were 9orty separate notes. That means there are 9orty women o2t there who are de72ded eno2gh to thin8 that their spar87e paper is going to attract me to ca77 themE4

I saw his 7ip tremb7e as other tho2ghts ran thro2gh his mind. .5ortyH compo2nded by the tho2sandsC yo2 saw how they >2st grabbed: p2tting their hands on me: trying to tear my c7othes. )ny one o9 them capab7e o9H4 he h299ed. Be p7aced his other hand on top o9 mine. .)nd now: what I 9ear most: is that I=ve invo7ved you in the insanity. Roc8s being thrown thro2gh your windowsH I9 anything ever happened to yo2 I=d never 9orgive myse79.4 Be cho8ed on his 7ast words. Bis eyes s<2eeDed together and he ti7ted his 9ace towards the 97oor: sni99ing. I stood 2p immediate7y and reached my arms aro2nd his sho27ders to ho7d him. Be wrapped his arms aro2nd my waist and p277ed me to his 7ap. I he7d his head to my chest and 7et him re7ease his pain. I 9e7t each one o9 his tears as they sat2rated my shirt. I co27d on7y imagine how 7ong he=d been ho7ding it a77 in. Bow many months had he s299ered in si7ence: hiding this misery 9rom everyone: inc72ding himse79. !ever wanting anyone to see how v27nerab7e they had made him. I 7ight7y r2bbed his nec8 and sho27ders whi7e p7acing 8isses on his 9orehead. I wanted nothing e7se in the wor7d b2t to soothe him and ta8e his misery away. .It=s o8ay:4 I whispered. .I=m here. I wi77 never 7et them h2rt yo2.4 Bis 9ingers pressed into my s8in: c72tching my shirt in his hands as he 9ina77y bro8e down 9rom a77 the stress. Tears tric87ed down my chee8s too 9rom seeing how ang2ished he was. I 8issed his head and p277ed him in tighter. /e he7d onto each other whi7e o2r 9ears and insec2rities got the better o9 2s. ) new bond between 2s 9ormed instant7yC a connection b2i7t on emotiona7 s2pport and tr2st. Be 7oo8ed 2p at meC his eyes were p299y and red and 9i77ed with the remains o9 his sadness. I gent7y r2bbed my th2mbs 2nder his eyes to wipe away the 7ast o9 the moist2re. I gave him a so9t 8iss. .Taryn -itche77:4 he said: 7oo8ing me in the eyes. .I 7ove yo2. /ith a77 my heart.4 I 9e7t a77 the b7ood r2sh 9rom my body and s2rge right into my chest. )77 this time I waited 9or a man to say those words to me and mean it: and now I was hearing them 9rom the one person I had hoped wo27d say them. I gaDed into his eyes and said what was in my heart. It was as easy and nat2ra7 as breathing.

.I 7ove yo2 too 6 more than anything in this wor7d.4

Chapter 10 - (o*e

I was sti77 smi7ing when I trotted downstairs to 7et Iason in. Ryan waited deeper inside the p2b to avoid being photographed when I opened the 9ront door. I 8issed him one more time be9ore 7eaving him standing near the edge o9 the bar. It had been a good ho2r or so since Ryan spo8e those three 7itt7e words that made my heart sing: and I was sti77 g7owing. I didn=t care how bad my 9ace h2rt 9rom wearing this grinC I was comp7ete7y: one*h2ndred and 9i9ty percent in 7ove with him. Iason was s2rro2nded by peop7e as he waited 9or me to 7et him in. Be had a 9riend with him * another boy who 7oo8ed to be in his 7ate teens: with shaggy brown hair and a 9ew b7emishes on his 9ace. .Bey Iason:4 RyanLs voice echoed mine. The boy had a garment bag s72ng over his sho27der and was whee7ing a 7arge s2itcase behind him. Bis 9riend had a 7arge d2997e bag hanging o99 his sho27der and was carrying a 7arge bo; in his hands. .Bey RyE4 Iason said: par8ing the s2itcase and e;tending a hand to sha8e Ryan=s. .This is my 9riend: Shawn.4 .A2ys: this is my gir79riend: Taryn:4 Ryan said pro2d7y: p2tting his arm aro2nd my sho27der. /e gathered 2p Ryan=s things and carried them 2pstairs. Ryan set his 7arge s2itcase on the bed and 2nDipped it. )77 his c7othes were >2st shoved into one big heap. I noticed the name on the 72ggage tag wasn=t Ryan=s 6 his tag read GShe77* (nterprises= with a Los )nge7es address. Ryan carried most o9 his st299 into the 7a2ndry room and then >oined the two boys who were a7ready ma8ing themse7ves at home on my 92rnit2re. ) 9ew seconds 7ater: Ryan came bac8 into the bedroom. .I want to give them some money:4 he to7d me. Be 8issed me <2ic87y a9ter ret2rning his wa77et to the nightstand. .BeyE4 I ca77ed o2t: stopping him be9ore he got too 9ar. .I have that new video game

system: i9 yo2 g2ys want to p7ay. It=s a77 in the 7arge drawer be7ow the TF. There is a sports disc and a !in>a 9ighting game.4 Ryan=s 9ace 7it 2p with happiness. I p277ed the Dipper open on his d2997e bag and d2mped it o2t on the bedroom 97oor. ) moment o9 shoc8 str2c8 me when I saw the strip o9 condoms and an empty condom wrapper ming7ed in his st299. I pic8ed 2p the empty wrapper * the inside was dry. Seven were sti77 intact. I ran over the 9acts that I had on him so 9ar. ?ne: he s7ept with 5rancesca: b2t that was over a year ago. Two: he was s2pposed7y in a re7ationship with a wanna*be actress he 8new 9rom @ittsb2rgh: b2t that was before the 5rancesca incident. Three: his 7ast 8nown gir79riend d2mped him over the s2mmerC and 5o2r: Je77y had said that Ryan was the opposite o9 what S2Danne had acc2sed him o9 being. Ryan had said to me once that it had been months. -onths o9 what tho2gh3 !ot having se;3 !ot dating anyone3 I tried to remember the e;act <2estion I as8ed him whi7e we were 9ishing * was he seeing someone. Be said no: and to answer the <2estion I wasn=t as8ing * months. The <2estion that remained in my mind was who was the 72c8y recipient o9 the 2sed condom3 The 9ront o9 his s2itcase was 72mpy: so I 2nDipped it and p277ed o2t the contents. There were a 9ew boarding pass st2bs and 72ggage receipts mi;ed in with some 2sed nap8ins and empty g2m wrappers. -i;ed in that were a 9ew pairs o9 dirty soc8s. I s7id my hand bac8 inside the 7arge poc8et to ma8e s2re I had gotten everything when I 9e7t my 9ingers b2mp into something sti99. In my hand was an ordinary greeting card with the words .I -iss 1o24 printed on the 9ront above a pict2re o9 a setting s2n. I opened the cardC inside was a pict2re o9 Ryan c2dd7ing with an actress I recogniDed immediate7y: La2ren 0e7aney. Long: si78y brown hair with a st2nning 9ace and 9ig2re 6 it made me cringe to thin8 he was with her once. Inside the card was a hand*written sentiment"

I st2c8 my hand bac8 into the 7arge poc8et to see i9 there was an enve7ope: b2t the poc8et was empty. I 97ipped the pict2re overC there was the answer I was 7oo8ing 9or 6 5ebr2ary &th o9 this year. I 7a2ghed to myse79 9rom the ironyC that was right aro2nd the same time I 9o2nd Thomas in bed with that gir7. I <2ic87y shoved the card and pict2re bac8 down in the poc8et and st299ed the pieces o9 tic8et st2bs and paper remnants on top o9 it. (ven tho2gh I co27d hear him with Iason o2t in the 7iving room: the 7ast thing I wanted to do was get ca2ght r2mmaging thro2gh his things. I pic8ed 2p the strip o9 condoms and shoved them bac8 in his empty d2997e bag. That action 7ed to another tho2ght * every time Ryan made 7ove to me: not once did he 2se protection. Be never even attempted to p2t a condom on * ever. Be 8new I was ta8ing birth contro7 pi77s: b2t yet he was sti77 ta8ing chances. Be obvio2s7y 2sed condoms be9ore with other women 6 b2t why not with me3 /hy was I di99erent3 ?2r 7ovema8ing had a7ways been spontaneo2s and 2nrestricted: and we certain7y didn=t ho7d a 7ot o9 conversations d2ring o2r moments to ta78 abo2t birth contro7. /hy did neither one o9 2s seem concerned with whether or not I got pregnant3 .Tar: where are yo2 going34 Ryan as8ed as I opened my apartment door. I 7oo8ed at him with the tho2ghts o9 2nprotected 7ovema8ing sti77 in my mind. .I=m going to see i9 the mai7 came:4 I <2ic87y answered. Be sprang to my side in a 9ew <2ic8 steps. .1o2=re not going o2tside: are yo234 he m2ttered 2nder his breath. .!o. -ai7 s7ot is in the 9ront door. The mai7 gets de7ivered at three thirty.4 .@hew:4 he sighed. .@7ease don=t go o2t 2n7ess yo2 abso72te7y m2st. There are too many 9ans o2t there right now.4 Inside my door: I saw a 7arger pi7e o9 mai7 than norma7. Lying on top o9 my mai7 were cards simp7y addressed to Ryan Christensen. I shoo8 my head in disbe7ie9. Be smi7ed <2ic87y at me when I ret2rned: then res2med his actions with the contro77er. Be and Iason were p7aying the nin>a game: both o9 them were swinging and p2nching their contro77ers in the air. It was s7ight7y am2sing watching them p7ay. .This is 7i8e a 9rea8ing wor8o2tE4 Ryan groaned. I sorted thro2gh the mai7C (7ectric bi77: two credit card so7icitations: new c7othing

magaDine: and a 9ew other random pieces o9 >2n8 mai7 were mi;ed in with his 9an mai7. I he7d 2p the enve7opes that were addressed to Ryan and waved them in the air. ./hat=s that34 he as8ed: swinging his arm to 8i77 the pretend bad g2y on the te7evision screen. .Ryan Christensen 9an mai7:4 I anno2nced. .1o2=re 8iddingE4 he sco99ed. .I2st throw them in the trash.4 I was dying o9 c2riosity to see what his 9ans were writing to him abo2t. .Can I open one34 Be grimaced at me. ./hy the he77 wo27d yo2 want to do that3 Boney: yo2 rea77y don=t want to see that. I2st throw them away.4 Be 7a2ghed. .Aood hit: IayE4 I 9ig2red he rea77y didn=t care: so I ripped open the top enve7ope. Inside was a card with hearts drawn on it and the gir7 who sent it even convenient7y enc7osed her pict2re with a phone n2mber. Be was rightC these women were beyond de72siona7. ./hat do yo2 thin8: Boney3 Is that psychotic 9an the one 9or me34 Be 7a2ghed: eyeing me as I 7oo8ed at the gir7=s pict2re. .-aybeE She 7oo8s sort o9 desperateE4 I teased. .Can I see34 Iason reached 9or the pict2re. .02de: 7oo8 at this chic8E4 Be handed the pict2re to Shawn. .0amnE4 Shawn cho8ed. .She=s a two baggerE4 Ryan started 7a2ghing. .?8ay: 7et me see.4 Be p2t the game on pa2se and p277ed the pict2re o2t o9 Shawn=s hand. ./hat=s a two bagger34 I as8ed. Iason was 7a2ghing too hard to respond. .) two bagger is where the chic8 is so 2g7y that yo2 both have to wear bags over yo2r heads. That way i9 her bag 9a77s o99 whi7e yo2=re doing her: yo2 don=t get b7inded by the 2g7y:4 Shawn e;p7ained. .)re there any more pict2res34 Iason as8ed. I p277ed the enve7opes o2t o9 the trash can and opened them one by one. I didn=t bother to p277 the cards o2tC I >2st 7oo8ed inside 9or pict2res. There were 9o2r pict2res a7together. ?ne o9 the 9ans was gracio2s eno2gh to show her breasts in her pict2re. I handed them a77 over to the boys. I 7oo8ed in the 7ast enve7ope to

ma8e s2re I didn=t miss an enc7os2re when I noticed that a pict2re o9 some gir7 was g72ed to the inside o9 the card. -h my (od. I gasped and p277ed the entire card o2t o9 the enve7ope. There she was: the c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed: psycho 9an. The card was covered in g7ossy snippets o9 Ryan=s 9ace that she obvio2s7y c2t o2t o9 many di99erent magaDines. She had inc72ded her 9ace in some o9 the pict2res ne;t to his 9ace: rep7acing S2Danne=s 9ace with her own. Scribb7ed a77 aro2nd their pict2res were .I Love 1o24 and .I Love Char7es4 sentiments. Ber name was )nge7. Fisions o9 this whac8o ta8ing the time to c2t o2t Ryan=s 9ace and g72e each piece to this card 9rea8ed me o2t. It 9e7t hard to swa77ow. I co27dn=t get the card o2t o9 my hand <2ic8 eno2ghC my 9ingers 92mb7ed it into the garbage can and I ran to the bathroom to wash my hands. 5ear and panic str2c8 meC this was beyond admiration: and this partic27ar psycho 9an was >2st o2tside my 9ront door. I was sha8ing s7ight7y as I 9o7ded Ryan=s c7othing that I gathered 9rom the dryer. I co27d c7ear7y see why he was terri9ied. 5or a moment: I was terri9ied too. I p7aced his c7ean c7othing on the bed whi7e my emotions did a s7ow boi7. Bow dare they: a77 o9 them: do this to himH to 2sE I grabbed my ce77 phone and marched to the 9ront window. There were so many peop7e down on the street yo2 wo27d have tho2ght we were having a street 9air. .1es: this is Taryn -itche77. I=m ca77ing 9rom 11# So2th 5o2rth Street: -itche77=s @2b. I=d 7i8e to report a 7arge crowd b7oc8ing street tra99ic. There are a7so a 7ot o9 peop7e 7oitering in 9ront o9 my b2siness. I=d 7i8e them to be to7d to 7eave. Than8 yo2.4 Ryan ch2c87ed to himse79. .Ca77ing the cops doesn=t he7p: b2t i9 it made yo2 9ee7 better: then I g2ess it=s worth a try.4 .Bow abo2t a high press2re 9ire hose34 I m2ttered: pee8ing o2t behind the b7ind. .I can get yo2 some stin8 bombs:4 Iason o99ered. Ryan grimaced at him. .!o: I=m serio2s. The specia7 e99ects trai7er is 7oaded with coo7 shit.4 Iason=s comment abo2t the movie set reminded me o9 another phone ca77 I had to ma8e. I ca77ed Cory. !ot on7y did I want him to cover my absence whi7e Ryan=s parents were in town: b2t having a man wor8ing in the bar s2dden7y so2nded very reass2ring.

.02de: we=re gonna ro77:4 Iason said on his way to the door: s7apping his hand into Ryan=s. I 7ed them down the stairs so I co27d t2rn the a7arm o99 once again. .Iason: than8 yo2 so m2ch 9or a77 yo2r he7p. I tr27y appreciate it.4 .!o prob7em.4 Iason smi7ed bac8 at me. .I=m g7ad to see it a77 wor8ed o2t 9or him.4 Be motioned his head bac8 to Ryan. )s the boys 7e9t: I co27d see a 9ew po7ice o99icers moving everyone a7ong. I was than8927 that the po7ice made the vans across the street move too. They were at metered par8ing spotsC 2n9ort2nate7y a9ter si; p.m.: the par8ing meters were no 7onger va7id. I ret2rned to my 7a2ndry detai7C Ryan he7ped 9o7d some o9 his c7othes. I moved the shirts he pic8ed o2t o9 the bo;es 9rom the washer to the dryer. .Taryn: we need to ta78:4 he said: 7eading me bac8 to the bedroom. I had no idea what he wanted to ta78 abo2t. Be sat me down on the bed. .I was wondering how yo2 9e7t abo2t me staying here. /herever I am: that 9o77ows.4 Be ti7ted his head towards the 7iving room. .I=m worried abo2t how it a99ects yo2 and: we77: yo2r b2siness.4 I shr2gged his comment o99. I was more concerned abo2t his sa9ety than mine. .Ryan: I=m 9ine with yo2 staying here. I g2ess I >2st overreacted a bit when I saw how yo2r 9ans terroriDe yo2. It angered me. )t 7east when yo2=re here: I can protect yo2. .To be honest: I 7ove having yo2r arms aro2nd me at night and wa8ing 2p ne;t to yo2 in the morning. )9ter a77: isn=t that what it=s abo2t anyway * two peop7e: in 7ove: together34 Be pic8ed my hand 2p in his and smi7ed. .1eah: it isE 2t 2n9ort2nate7y the 9ans and the paparaDDi * they 9o77ow:4 he reminded. .I 8now: and I don=t care. I do care abo2t yo2 tho2gh.4 I 7oo8ed direct7y into his eyes. .Bmm:4 he 7ight7y p2rred: apparent7y p7eased by my comment. .So yo2=re o8ay with this34 .1eahE4 I smi7ed and nodded. Be too8 a deep breath. .Then how wo27d yo2 9ee7 i9 I to7d yo2 I wanted to stay here more3 -aybe even every night34

I swa77owed whi7e the e;hi7aration 9rom his <2estion 97ooded my heart and circ7ed con92sion in my brain. ./hat34 I breathed o2t. .)re yo2 saying yo2 want to move in with me34 -y sheer s2rprise came o2t as a whisper. ./e77: I was >2st thin8ing that when I=m done wor8ing: instead o9 going to the hote7: I co27d come here. This is where I want to be anyway. /hat do yo2 thin834 he as8ed hesitant7y: biting his bottom 7ip. I too8 a deep breath: gathering my words be9ore I spo8e. Was he even allowed to do something li"e this while under ontra t to film3 I had to as8. .I thin8H4 Bis ce77 phone rang on the nightstand. .Shit: ho7d that tho2ghtH4 Be 7oo8ed at the n2mber and too8 the ca77. .0avid: hey. I=m doing greatE 1eah: I have a min2te.4 Ryan covered his phone with his hand. .-y manager:4 he whispered to me. Bis 9ace morphed 9rom an e7ated smi7e to a 7oo8 o9 disg2st in an instant. .!o: I didn=t move o2t o9 the hote7. I don=t 8now why they ca77ed yo2. I >2st had a77 my things retrieved so I co27d wash my c7othes: that=s a77:4 he sighed. I watched Ryan start to r2b his 9orehead. Be wa78ed o2t o9 the bedroom b2t he didn=t go 9arC I co27d sti77 hear every word c7ear7y. .I=ve been staying at Taryn=s:4 I heard him con9ess. )pparent7y his manager 8new abo2t me. .I=77 ta8e my chances. 1o2 8now: 0avid: I >2st don=t give a shit anymore. I am so sic8 and tired o9 hiding and having every 92c8ing detai7 o9 my 7i9e become p2b7ic 8now7edge.4 Ryan=s voice became 7o2der: distressed. .I=m done with being 7oc8ed 2p in some hote7 7i8e a prisoner. I=m sic8 o9 itE It=s been 7i8e this 9or over two years. I=m going o2t o9 my mindE I want to have a norma7 re7ationship with someone 9or once. .1eah: I g2ess yo2=re right. I=m no 7onger a77owed to have a persona7 7i9e:4 he responded de9ensive7y. .I wish someone wo27d have to7d me that I=m not a77owed to have a 92c8ing 7i9e at a77 beca2se I s2re don=t remember seeing that c7a2se in any o9 my contractsE4 I stood there: motion7ess: 7istening to him sho2t in the ha77way. -y p27se <2ic8ened and my hands started to tremb7e: 8nowing I was the reason 9or his de9ensiveness.

.5ine: then i9 that=s the case: in9orm the st2dio that I=77 pay 9or my own sec2rity. 0o that: Gca2se I=m not 7iving in 7oc8down anymore. I can=tH dea7 with it.4 Be sighed. ./hy3 So I can have more o9 my c7othes mysterio2s7y disappear3 I=77 do my own 7a2ndry. I don=t want strangers to2ching my c7othing * it creeps me o2t. .I=m pretty s2re she 8nows what she=s gotten herse79 into. The paparaDDi have been onto her 9or wee8s and that was be9ore we were seen together p2b7ic7y. .I don=t care what the media says abo2t me. The on7y person I=m worried abo2t: the on7y person I care abo2t is Taryn. .0on=t worry abo2t me. I=m staying 9oc2sed. They=re getting a <2a7ity per9ormance.4 Ryan was irritated. .I=ve seen a77 the dai7ies 6 they 7oo8 great. Jenneth hasn=t said a word to me abo2t itC I wo27d hope the director wo27d te77 me i9 he had concernsE .)re yo2 8idding me3 I9 they want to dis uss things with me: then they can come here. !o: yo2 7isten to me: 0avid. I=77 92c8ing wa78 away be9ore I 7et anyone dictate my 7i9e. I=m pretty s2re I can 7ive <2ite com9ortab7y on the twenty mi77ion I a7ready have in the ban8. .I=m the one trying to be a pro9essiona7 hereE She=s probab7y pissed that she can=t >2st 8noc8 on my hote7 room door to get my attention anymore. .I9 the third movie s2c8s then I s2ggest they start pointing their 9inger in the proper direction. I=m regretting ever signing on 9or this pro>ect. 1eah: I 8now 0avid. )77 right.4 I d2mped the c7ean 7oad o9 white 7a2ndry onto the bed 6 a re97e; to ma8e it loo" 7i8e I wasn=t 7istening intent7y. Be stopped in the doorway and 7eaned on the 9rame with his arms 9o7ded across his chest. I didn=t say anything. I 8new he was 2pset. I thin8 he sensed I was too. Bow e7se co27d I be3 .I 8now yo2 heard my conversation:4 he said so9t7y. .I=m ma8ing things di99ic27t 9or yo2:4 I whispered: 9ighting bac8 my tears o9 g2i7t. .!o:4 he said: sha8ing his head to disagree. .1o2=re the on7y thing that=s 8eeping me sane.4 .I don=t see how that=s possib7e:4 I said somber7y: diverting my attention to separating the 7a2ndry. Ryan stepped to my side and too8 his soc8s o2t o9 my c7enched hands. .0o yo2 7ove me34 he as8ed emphatica77y: his eyes piercing. Bis 9ingers 7i9ted my

chin. .I mean rea77y love me34 .1esE 1es I do:4 I stated: 7oo8ing direct7y into his eyes. ./ith a77 o9 my heart.4 ) smi7e to2ched his 7ips. .1o2 8now that my 7i9e is anything b2t norma7. So I=m going to as8 yo2 one more time. )re yo2 s2re yo2=re o8ay with this 6 me staying here with yo234 .)re yo2 a77owed to stay here34 I ha79 e;pected him to say no. ./i77 they a77ow it34 .I=m a grown man. I=77 do what I want.4 Be r2bbed my arms. .1o2=re breaching yo2r contract:4 I said: ass2ming it was in the 9ine print somewhere. .They are re<2ired to pay me and ass2re my sa9ety and com9ort. I=m not going to 7et them own me. Taryn: I want to be with yo2: i9 yo2=77 have me.4 Bis mesmeriDing b72e eyes stared straight into my so27: searching 9or my reaction. .I=77 ma8e some room so yo2 have a p7ace 9or yo2r things.4 I 8ept my tone 7ow. .Taryn: that=s not what I as8ed.4 Be snatched me gent7y by the wrist. ?verwhe7ming g2i7t was ro77ing in on me now. .Ryan: I want yo2 here more than yo2 can ever imagine. 2t I a7so 8now that there are reasons why yo2 are 8ept hidden and g2arded in yo2r hote7 room. I=m a9raid that i9 yo2 stay here: then everything the st2dio has arranged 9or yo2 wi77 be >eopardiDed. 1o2 a7ready have eno2gh stress beca2se o9 me.4 . eca2se o9 yo23 )re yo2 serio2s3 /hy do yo2 8eep saying that34 I shr2gged: wondering why it wasn=t b7atant7y obvio2s to him 7i8e it was to me. .The tro2b7e with S2Danne: and now with yo2r manager and the st2dio peop7eH not to mention the things that the tab7oids wi77 print abo2t yo2 being with me. That s2re7y is going to ca2se prob7ems 9or yo2. I don=t want to damage yo2r career: RyanE4 Be 7a2ghed at me. .?h: BoneyE 1o2 are not the ca2se o9 my stress. )nd a77 the press abo2t o2r re7ationship is doing the opposite o9 damaging my career: so p7ease stop thin8ing that wayE Sweetheart: yo2 are the on7y thing 8eeping me 9rom >2mping o99 the roo9E4 I ro77ed my eyes. .I don=t care abo2t any o9 that. )nd I=77 hire my own sec2rity team i9 it ever comes down to it.4 Be shr2gged. .Regard7ess: that=s not 9or yo2 to worry abo2t.4 I 7oo8ed at him: s7ight7y shoc8ed. .0espite what yo2 say: I wi77 worry abo2t it.

)nything that tro2b7es yo2 tro2b7es me.4 Be sighed heavi7y. .Taryn: I thin8 yo2 rea7iDe by now that being invo7ved with me comes at a he9ty price. I to7d yo2 be9ore it was di99ic27t 9or me to have any 8ind o9 re7ationship: and a77 o9 this b277shit is why. I hope and pray that in a year or so when I=m done with this tri7ogy and move on to other pro>ects that this craDiness wi77 die down. 2t right now: it is what it is. Sec2rity teams: secrets: 7ies: hiding: insane sched27e: it comes with the territory. It=s my 7i9e.4 Be too8 my hand in his. .-y craDy 7i9e is going to become yo2r craDy 7i9e. It=s happening a7ready. )re yo2 wi77ing to p2t 2p with a77 the craDiness and nonsense and 7ove me anyway34 I did not hesitate with my rep7y. .1es: abso72te7y:4 I breathed o2t. ./hat abo2t yo23 )re yo2 wi77ing to do the same3 @2t 2p with a77 the nonsense to 8eep 7oving me34 .)bso72te7yE /itho2t <2estionE4 Be grinned. Ryan=s warm hand br2shed across my nec8: p277ing me in 9or a 8iss.

It was a7most seven o=c7oc8 when @ete ca77ed to in9orm me that they were par8ing a7most two b7oc8s away since my street was <2ite b2sy. Ryan and I waited in the dar8 bar 9or o2r 9riends. I didn=t want to t2rn the 7ights on and give the paparaDDi any reason to wa8e 2p premat2re7y. Ryan 7oo8ed adorab7e in my dad=s gray 97anne7 shirt and a 9resh white T*shirt 2nderneath. Be ca77ed his bodyg2ard -i8e and made arrangements to get pic8ed 2p in the morning. I was e7ated 8nowing that he was de9inite7y staying with me tonight. I stood by the door: waiting 9or their 8noc8: a7tho2gh I didn=t need to wait 6 the moment they pa2sed at my door the cameras started to 97ash. .B2rry: come in.4 I waved: trying to hide as best I co27d behind most o9 the door. It angered me that the paparaDDi were ta8ing pict2res o9 anyone who entered my p2b. ) twinge o9 panic ebbed 2p my spine thin8ing abo2t how things wo27d be tomorrow when I had to 2n7oc8 the doors to 7et the p2b7ic inside. @ete was ba7ancing three piDDa bo;es in 9ront o9 him. .)77 right: where=s the 92c8ing @resident34 he ca77ed o2t.

I t2rned the 7ights on and @ete nodded to Ryan: who was 7eaning on the bar. .?h: hey RyanE4 @ete boomed. .1o2 see the @resident aro2nd here34 .?n7y @residents that are here are in my poc8et: @ete.4 Ryan shoo8 his hand. .R2mor has it that rad @itt is visiting:4 -arie >o8ed on her way in. .?h: it=s >2st yo2: Ryan. Somebody sho27d go o2t there and te77 them that rad isn=t in the b2i7ding. /hat a 9rea8ing disappointment.4 .!ice to see yo2 too: -arieE4 Be s<2eeDed her sho27ders and pretended to cho8e her. .Aary: good to see yo2: manE4 Ryan shoo8 Aary=s hand. .Bey RyanE Ready to 7ose big tonight34 Aary teased. Tammy gave me a h2g with one armC she had a ca8e pan with a 7id on it in her other hand. She gave Ryan a one*arm h2g too. .I made a new dessert I=d 7i8e everyone to try.4 @ete p7aced the piDDas on o2r big: center tab7e. The aroma o9 me7ted moDDare77a and tomato sa2ce 9i77ed the room and everyone was mentioning how h2ngry they were. I tapped a pitcher o9 beer and we a77 too8 o2r 9ami7iar seats to eat and drin8. Ryan grabbed a s7ice and stood 2p 9rom the tab7e. .@ete: can I ta78 to yo2 a min2te34 Be motioned with his head 9or @ete to 9o77ow him. The two o9 them disappeared into the 8itchen. I wondered what that was a77 abo2t. .Taryn: there are a 7ot o9 peop7e o2t there.4 -arie nodded to the door. She 7oo8ed over her sho27der to see where Ryan was. .Bow 7ong has the crowd been there34 .Since yesterday. Ryan and I went to Ca7 and Je77y=s 9or dinner. Bis 9ans coated my car with 7ove notes too.4 .Bow can he stand that34 Tammy as8ed: sh2ddering 9rom the tho2ght. .It=s di99ic27t. Those gir7s o2t there are a77 whac8oE ?ne o9 them grabbed his arm when we were speed*wa78ing to my car. I was act2a77y re7ieved that we were s2rro2nded by the photographersC it was 7i8e they created a circ7e aro2nd 2s to 8eep the gir7s o2t.4 .I 8now: I saw the pict2res:4 -arie whispered. .Tar: yo2=re on the 9rea8ing InternetE I2st search 9or his name and the pict2res they too8 come right 2p. 1o2 7oo8ed great: by the way. I 7i8ed the gray sweater dress with yo2r 7eather >ac8et and b7ac8 boots.4 5or a moment everything went dim. I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d pass o2t 9rom hearing the con9irmation that my pict2re was now on the Internet: 9orever associated to Ryan Christensen.

Ryan and @ete wa78ed o2t o9 the 8itchenC they were both 7a2ghing at something: a7tho2gh @ete 7oo8ed a 7itt7e worried. I s<2inted at Ryan and gave him a <2estioning nod. Be 7eaned over and spo8e <2iet7y in my ear. .I gave @ete a 9ew b2c8s 9or the p7ywood and I paid him 9or the piDDas. )nd I than8ed him 9or being a great 9riend and 9or ta8ing care o9 the window and everything.4 I s<2eeDed his 7eg. Ryan was tr27y a good man: down to the core. )9ter we 9inished eating: we started o2r 2s2a7 game o9 po8er. .Bow=s yo2r b2siness doing: Tammy34 Ryan as8ed somewhat over*cas2a77y: tossing his cards into the center o9 the tab7e. .AoodE It=s hard to 8eep 2p tho2gh: trying to ma8e a77 the 9ood in o2r 8itchen at home. Bope9277y I=77 get a 9ew more >obs and then we might be ab7e to a99ord 7oo8ing 9or a shop somewhere.4 ./hy don=t yo2 7et her 2se yo2r 8itchen: Tar34 Ryan s2ggested. .1o2 have that h2ge 8itchen bac8 there that yo2 don=t 2se.4 -y memory reca77ed conversations I had with @ete abo2t that and the reasons why it never happened. I was a7so wise eno2gh to sense I was being set 2p. I 7a2nched my co2nter* de9ense. .I=ve tho2ght abo2t that be9ore: Ryan: b2t the 8itchen as it stands isn=t 9it 9or coo8ing and ba8ing. !ew gas 7ines need to be r2n and a77 the app7iances need to be rep7aced. (ven the copper piping needs to be removed and rep7aced. It=s an e;pensive disaster bac8 there. That=s why I don=t serve 9ood in the bar.4 ./e77: 7oo8 into it and see how m2ch it wo27d cost:4 Ryan stated. I shoo8 my head: wondering why he cared and hoping he wo27d 7et it go. ./hat34 he as8ed. I 7eaned over and whispered in his ear. .@7ease drop it. I can=t. I a7ready have one h2ge 7oan I=m paying on 9or the renovations I did to the poo7room: stage: and so2nd system. I can=t a99ord it.4 .I=m s2re we can 9ig2re something o2t:4 he dismissed. .5ig2re what o2t34 I wondered. Be tapped me in the 9oot and scratched his nose.

Severa7 ro2nds o9 po8er 7ater: I was 7osing big*time. -y game was o99 tonightC I had a hard time reading everyone=s te77s. Ryan smi7ed devi7ish7y every time he won more o9 my chips. .) 9ew more hands 7i8e this and yo2=77 have to ante with c7othing:4 Ryan s7y7y s2ggested: 8ic8ing me in the 9oot. .I=m not dr2n8 eno2gh 9or strip po8er:4 I m2ttered. Ryan abr2pt7y sat 2p and >o8ed: ./here=s the te<2i7a34 .!ot so 9astE I sti77 have a 9ew chips 7e9tE4 I de9ended. .1eah: b2t not 9or 7ong:4 Ryan teased. .)77 yo2 have to do is as8. I=77 be g7ad to 7oan yo2 a 9ew chips. /e can even ca77 it a 9avor i9 yo2=d 7i8e.4 I smir8ed at him. .Spea8ing o9 9avorsH4 Ryan contin2ed: ma8ing his genera7 anno2ncement. .I have a 9avor to as8 o9 a77 o9 yo2.4 Be 7oo8ed aro2nd the tab7e at my 9riends. .-y parents are coming to town this /ednesday and they=77 be staying here 2nti7 -onday. /e want to ta8e them to dinner and spend as m2ch time as possib7e with them.4 Be smi7ed at me. .I was hoping yo2=d 7et me stea7 Taryn away 9or the entire wee8end. 0o yo2 g2ys thin8 yo2 co27d hand7e a 9ew days witho2t her34 I g7owered at the tab7e. I co27d not be7ieve he >2st did that. Be didn=t even give me an opport2nity. I s2ppose he tho2ght that I wo27d chic8en o2t. .?9 co2rseE4 -arie answered immediate7y. I 8new e;act7y what she was thin8ing >2st by the way she 7oo8ed at me. It was a combination o9 .?h my Aod4 and .Bo7y Shit4 9o77owed by a 7ot o9 high*pitched: e;cited screams. This was a big step 6 Ryan 9rea8in= Christensen was introd2cing me to his parents. I hadn=t even to7d her that he was sort o9 staying with me. That ro2nd o9 screaming wo27d have to wait. I had serio2s do2bts whether or not they co27d hand7e Ba77oween wee8end on their own. This was a big occasion 9or -itche77=s @2b: and I 9e7t g2i7ty as sin 9or stic8ing them with it. .I have bands boo8ed 9or 5riday and Sat2rday. Cory wi77 be wor8ing every night this wee8 too.4 I 7oo8ed at -arie and sighed. She smi7ed and win8ed at me. .I can he7p o2t:4 Tammy added. She was a7so grinning e;cited7y at me.

.)re yo2 g2ys s2re3 I rea77y 9ee7 badH4 I started my apo7ogy b2t -arie c2t me short. .TarynE It=s o8ayE /e can hand7e it. @ete wi77 8eep a head co2nt. /e=77 >2st ma8e s2re that we don=t overcrowd the p7ace: that=s a77:4 -arie con9irmed. . esides: we can a7ways post a sign o2t 9ront that says he went away 9or the wee8end so don=t bother 7oo8ing 9or him in here.4 She pointed at Ryan. .I9 yo2 thin8 it wi77 he7pE4 Ryan win8ed. @ete c7eared his throat. ./e77: as 7ong as we are sharing good news: Tammy and I have an anno2ncement to ma8e.4 5or some reason when he spo8e I wasn=t s2rprised. I 8new something was 2p. )77 night @ete and Tammy were gaDing 7oving7y at each other: 7i8e they were protecting some deep: dar8 secret. .Tammy and I have o99icia77y set a date 9or o2r weddingE4 ./e=re getting married on Sat2rday: September #E4 Tammy g2shed: 7oo8ing into @ete=s eyes. I noticed Ryan 9idget in his chair. The air that he breathed o2t o9 his nose was a2dib7e: b2t a 7itt7e smir8 appeared on his 7ips. I wondered which word did him in. /as it the word .married4 or .wedding4 that ca2sed him to s<2irm3

Chapter 11 6e4

-y hand stretched to hit the snooDe b2tton. It was way too ear7y to be awa8e: b2t Ryan had ob7igations * he had to get in the shower and go be a movie star. .Ten more min2tes:4 he groaned: nest7ing his 9ace on the bac8 o9 my head. -y eyes c7osed and I dri9ted right bac8 to s7eep: b2t the b2DDer on the a7arm c7oc8 wo27dn=t a77ow it to 7ast. . abe: it=s 9ive thirty. 1o2r car wi77 be here in a 9ew min2tes.4 I r2bbed his bac8 to wa8e him. .-mmE4 he moaned. .That 9ee7s nice.4 Bis ce77 phone rang: 9orcing him to reach. .-orning -i8e. 1eah: I=m 2p.4 Be got o2t o9 bed: r2bbed his eyes: and 7oo8ed o2t the bedroom window. .The a77ey 7oo8s c7ear. See yo2 soon.4 I smi7ed to myse79 whi7e I made him a c2p o9 co99ee. I was so in 7ove with the man who wo8e 2p ne;t to me and was now getting ready 9or his day in my shower. I tho2ght abo2t how di99erent things were since the 9irst time he spent the night. Bow I wrest7ed with the tho2ghts o9 not a77owing myse79 to get h2rt again vers2s the b2rning desire to 7ove again. .I have a twe7ve ho2r day sched27ed. I=77 ca77 yo2 when I=m on my way:4 he said happi7y as he dried himse79 with a towe7. ./hat=s on yo2r agenda today34 .I have to drop o99 the deposit at the ban8 and I was going to do some grocery shopping. I=m a7most o2t o9 co99ee and there=s rea77y no 9ood in this p7ace.4 ./hi7e yo2=re at the store: wo27d yo2 pic8 2p a co2p7e o9 things 9or me3 I=d rea77y 7i8e some sort o9 soap that doesn=t sme77 7i8e 9r2it.4 Be sni99ed the s8in on his arm. .I2st pic8 o2t something 9or me p7ease3 ?h: and ma8e s2re yo2 8eep yo2r ce77 phone with yo2 at a77 times: >2st in case.4 In the 8itchen: he wrote a sma77 7ist on a piece o9 paper. .Bere=s some money. It=s a77

the cash I have 7e9t on me a9ter 7osing to Aary 7ast night.4 Be p277ed a random mi; o9 bi77s 9rom his poc8et and 7aid it on the tab7e. .Use itE4 /e waited by the bac8 door in the p2b 8itchen 9or his driver. I p2nched in the n2mbers to sh2t the a7arm o99. .The code is 2,%0&1 and then yo2 hit this b2tton here.4 Be repeated the n2mber. .1o2 may have to remind meC I don=t 8now i9 I=77 remember it.4 .It=s my birthday b2t in reverseH remember3 1& o9 -arch in ,2. 1o2 sho27d at 7east remember the year.4 I n2dged him. .I remember when yo2r birthday is:4 he droned 8idding7y. .0o yo2 remember mine34 .!ovember seventeenth.4 I grinned. .Three more wee8s.4 Bis driver hon8ed once and he 8issed me goodbye. .Aot to go. I=77 ca77 yo2 7ater.4 The annoying cameras started c7ic8ing the moment he stepped one 9oot o2t the door. y the time I reached the apartment door: I heard my ce77 phone p7aying Ryan=s ringtone. .I 9orgot something:4 he said: so2nding a bit regret927. I h2rried to the 8itchen. .1o2 need me to add something to yo2r 7ist34 I a7ready had the pen in my hand. .!oE4 he said am2sing7y. .I 9orgot to te77 yo2 that I 7ove yo2.4 -y heart s8ipped another beat >2st hearing him say those words to me. .I 7ove yo2 tooE4 I whispered. I p72n8ed down in the 8itchen chair and too8 a moment to reve7 in his wordsC his grocery 7ist was sti77 in my hand. I scanned over the items he re<2ested 6 typica7 items that yo2 2se every day 6 shampoo: raDors: body soap: and contact 7ens so72tion. I ch2c87ed when I read Gman*scented shave cream.= @oor g2yE )77 the prod2cts I had in my bathroom were de9inite7y scented 9or women. I did an inventory o9 the things I had on hand in the pantry and added a 7ot to his 7ist. The 7ast item he had noted was raisin bran cerea7. Bis needs were simp7e. I t2rned my comp2ter on to chec8 the ba7ance o9 my acco2nts be9ore going shopping: >2st so I 8new how carried away I co27d get. I pressed the icon to open 2p my Internet connectionC the second my 9inger c7ic8ed my mind 97ashed to -arie te77ing me I was on the

Internet. Search" Ryan Christensen I hesitated be9ore hitting (nter on my 8eyboard. -y pin8y 9inger hit the 8ey anyway. It was 7i8e opening 2p the 97oodgates to Be77. There were over si;ty two mi77ion di99erent hits 9or websites with his name. )t the top o9 the page: there were severa7 items 7isted 2nder .!ews res27ts.4

Ryan Christensen's steamy ni+hts in Seaport Ryan an Su7anne their e*astatin+ brea8up Troub"e in Para ise% Sp"it cou" ruin the ne9t Seaside &t's O*er% Ryan mo*es on Ryan's 6e4 )o*e

I c7ic8ed the 7ast se7ection and was redirected to some gossip news website in the UJ. There was a pict2re o9 Ryan and me as we were coming bac8 9rom Ca7 and Je77y=s. I co27d te77 when it was ta8en by which side o9 my body was 9acing the b2i7dings. I read the artic7e.

Ryan's 6e4 )o*eRyan Christensen and S2Danne Strass may p7ay star*crossed 7overs on screen b2t 9ate has something e7se in mind 9or these two actors in rea7 7i9e. Ryan has ended his a7most two year re7ationship with S2Danne and is reported7y dating 7oca7 Seaport: Rhode Is7and b2siness owner: Taryn -itche77. .Ryan met Taryn severa7 wee8s ago and is comp7ete7y smitten:4 says an insider. Ryan: 2': and Taryn: a 2+*year*o7d !ew 1or8 native: have been t2rning 2p the heat on their re7ationship. Ryan has been seen entering and e;iting her apartment at a77 ho2rs o9 the day and night and has spent severa7 a77*nighters with the

attractive b7onde.It was a7so reported that Ryan had a77 o9 his things removed 9rom his private s2ite at the Le;ington Bote7 on -onday: where he had been staying whi7e on 7ocation: and had them de7ivered to -s. -itche77=s apartment. Bis reps have neither con9irmed nor denied the re7ationship. .Ryan has been disappearing a 7ot 7ate7y and has been spending 7ess time with his co*stars:4 says another insider: a7tho2gh 7ast wee8 we reported that a7most the entire cast spent severa7 ho2rs together at a private party hosted by -s. -itche77 herse79. .S2Danne and 5rancesca 7e9t the party ear7y and both appeared <2ite distra2ght. That=s the day Ryan 7et S2Danne 8now there was someone e7se in his 7i9e now.4 I scr2bbed my 9ingers thro2gh my hair. (ven tho2gh the re7ationship r2mors between Ryan and S2Danne were comp7ete7y 9a7se: there was sti77 a 7ot o9 tr2th ming7ed in the artic7e. Aod: most o9 this happened 7ess than twenty*9o2r ho2rs ago and it was a7ready in printE !o wonder his manager ca77ed yesterday. I c7ic8ed on another 7in8.

Sp"it cou" spe"" isaster for the Seaside mo*ie series:Timing co27d not have been worse 9or Ryan and S2Danne=s re7ationship to 9a77 apart 6 Char7es and Awen=s re7ationship in the third insta77ment o9 Seaside is e7evated to new intimate 7eve7s and is the primary 9oc2s o9 the story. .(veryone is worried that their o99*screen re7ationship wi77 have damaging e99ects on their on*screen chemistry. I9 there is tension between the two o9 them it wi77 certain7y show in the 9i7m. The sma77est o9 changes can rea77y destroy their amaDing chemistry:4 says a Seaside insider. I spent the ne;t ho2r searching him on the Internet. I was shoc8ed to see how many photos there were o9 Ryan: a7ong with tho2sands o9 other pict2res o9 him and S2Danne together. There were even a 9ew 9an*made websites devoted to worshiping his every moveC the one website inc72ded a7most a day by day b7og o9 his 7i9e. I 9o2nd that there were photos o9 me on severa7 o9 the tab7oid websites as we77. Someone had ta8en severa7 pict2res o9 me wa78ing down the sidewa78 a7oneC there were a7so pict2res posted o9 Tammy and me ta8en the day my window was smashed. There were a 7ot o9 pict2res o9 Ryan and me 9rom the night we went to Ca7=s. The genera7 consens2s indicated that I was nothing more than a home*wrec8er: the reason why Ryan and S2Danne were being ripped apart. I co27d a77 too c7ear7y imagine the

die*hard Seaside 9ans coming a9ter me to b2rn me at the sta8e. Bow convenient 9or me that they were a7ready o2t on my sidewa78. I tho2ght abo2t having to 7eave the apartment to go grocery shopping and panic we77ed in my veins. /i77 the paparaDDi 9o77ow me into the grocery store to report on what type o9 body soap I pic8 o2t 9or Ryan3 I=d seen pict2res o9 ce7ebrities be9ore and most o9 them were o9 the ce7ebrities o2tside: a7tho2gh the inside o9 airports seemed 9air gameC co27d they 9o77ow me inside the grocery store3 I 7oo8ed o2t my 9ront windowC most o9 the street seemed c7ear: e;cept 9or the norma7 tra99ic. -aybe Ryan was seen 7eaving this morning and the paparaDDi and obsessed 9ans 9o77owed him3 I too8 a shower and spent e;tra time 9i;ing my hair and ma8e2p: >2st in case. I too8 my time: 9ighting the 2rge to stay ho7ed 2p in my apartment instead o9 going o2tsideH o2t there. I co27d 2nderstand why Ryan hid in his hote7 room. I p2t on my best >eans and my b7ac8 7ow an87e boots with the ch2n8ier two*inch hee7 6 >2st in case I needed to r2n 6 and my b7ac8 7eather >ac8et and s2ng7asses. I co2nted the money Ryan had 7e9t 9or me * one h2ndred and twenty do77ars 6 and p2t it in my p2rse. Arocery 7ist: p2rse: ban8 deposit: 8eys: ce77 phoneH bravery3 /here did I 7eave my g2ts3 .ont let them de ide for you, you an do this% I pa2sed by the bac8 door: 9i;ed the a7arm: too8 a deep breath: and stepped o2t into the a77ey. That=s when the cameras began to c7ic8. )bo2t 9ive paparaDDi 9o77owed me: as8ing me <2estions the entire way down the a77ey. I didn=t answerC I 8ept my 9oc2s on getting to my car. )t one point I 9o2nd that I was a7most ab7e to t2ne o2t their <2estions by thin8ing abo2t something e7se. I made s2re to 7oo8 7i8e the 7ove notes that were st299ed 2nder my windshie7d wiper 9or Ryan didn=t bother me. I even thin8 I smi7ed once. I patted them into a nice pi7e and p7aced them on the passenger seat o9 my car. 0id these 9rea8ing women act2a77y thin8 that his gir79riend wo27d be considerate eno2gh to pass their 7ove notes on to him3 S2re7y they had to 8now this was my car and not hisE -aybe they hoped that i9 we ever got into a 9ight that he might pic8 the 9irst 7ove note in the pi7e and go r2nning to their arms3 Li8e these notes were somehow entry tic8ets to the

Ryan Christensen 7ottery and the 72c8y winner wo27d be chosen random7y 9rom the stac83 /hat the he77 was in a77 o9 their heads3 I 8new e;act7y why he bro8e down yesterdayC these peop7e were 7oose on the streets. -y mind 97ashed bac8 to the o7d Dombie movies and I pict2red that Ryan and I were the on7y ones not t2rned into monsters * yet. I too8 a moment to program my m2sic se7ection. Ah, there it is 6 I 8new I had it: .Wombie4 by The Cranberries. I smi7ed: t2rned the vo72me 2p: and p2t my car into reverse. Ta8e a pict2re o9 that. Since I had a 7arge amo2nt o9 cash on me 9rom my pro9its at the bar: the ban8 was the 9irst stop on my agenda. I stood in the sma77 ban8 7ine waiting 9or the ne;t avai7ab7e te77erC my options narrowed when one o9 the two te77ers wor8ing p7aced her Gwindow c7osed= sign on the co2ntertop. I2st my 72c8 I wo27d have to do my ban8ing with someone I went to high schoo7 with * -iche7e /ee8s: another downside to 7iving in a sma77 town. She noticed me standing in 7ine and s2dden7y she was smi7ing at me 9rom ear to ear. AreatE This gir7 never said more than two words to me a77 thro2gh high schoo7 and now she was grinning at me 7i8e we were 7ong*7ost 9riends. /hy would she ta78 to me bac8 in those days3 I wasn=t part o9 that crowdC I h2ng o2t with the norma7 8ids who didnt thin8 they were better than everyone e7se. ac8 then she was the head cheer7eader: dating one o9 the three most pop27ar g2ys in schoo7: who >2st happened to get her pregnant right a9ter grad2ation. !ow she was the head te77er at my ban8. I 7a2ghed insideC 92nny how she a7ways had the term .head4 associated to her name. .Bi TarynE4 she greeted me. .Bow are yo234 7i"e you really are% .Aood: than8sE 0eposit p7ease:4 I said: s7iding the r2bber banded stac8 o9 cash and my deposit s7ip toward her. She too8 my money be7ow the co2nter and typed onto her comp2ter. She was sti77 smi7ing and 7oo8ing me over and I 8new at any moment she was going to as8 her b2rning <2estion. .Taryn: p7ease te77 me. Is it tr2e34 she whispered her p7ea to me. Ber eyes scanned bac8 and 9orth 9or eavesdroppers. .)re yo2 rea77y dating Ryan Christensen34 Wonderful, another frea"ing nosey fan% ) 9ew smart*ass answers ripped thro2gh my

brain 7i8e Gno: he=s >2st 7iving with me and having as m2ch se; as one man is h2man7y capab7e o9 witho2t dehydrating:= b2t I 8ept my compos2re and stared at her b7an87y. .Come onE4 she 2rged. .I won=t say anythingE4 .That=s good to 8now.4 I 7eaned into the co2nter a 9ew inches 92rther: my eyes g7anced 9rom side to side to pi<2e her interest: and then I dropped the bomb. .!either wi77 I.4 Ber smi7e morphed into a 9rown in an instant: and she shi9ted her 9oc2s to angri7y co2nt my deposit. She s7id the deposit receipt towards me. .Bave a nice day:4 she droned. I co27d te77 she didn=t rea77y mean it. I decided to drive o2t o9 Seaport and into the ne;t town to do my grocery shopping. /hy3 I didn=t 8now. Something abo2t p2tting distance between me and the Dombies perhaps3 I drove past one o9 the 7arge hardware store chains and another tho2ght dawned on me. I t2rned aro2nd and par8ed in the 7arge 7ot. I wanted to get copies o9 my 8eys made so I co27d give Ryan his own set. I hoped he=d get a better 2nderstanding o9 >2st how m2ch I wanted him with me. I was >2st on my way into the S2per Cost-art when Ryan ca77ed. .Bey yo2E /hat are yo2 doing34 he as8ed. .I=m on a top secret mission:4 I >o8ed with him as I set my p2rse in an empty wire cart. I stopped 9or a momentC it 9e7t 7i8e I had something st2c8 to my shoe. I crossed my 9oot 2p on my 8nee to ta8e a c7oser 7oo8. That=s when I noticed the o7der @7ymo2th drive s7ow7y past me. It a7most stopped right ne;t to where I stood. .?h my Aod:4 I breathed o2t: ripping the g2m o99 my hee7. I dashed with the cart towards the doors. ./hat34 Be panic8ed with me. It 7oo8ed 7i8e the c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed gir7 b2t I wasn=t abso72te7y s2re. /ho ever it was had 7arge s2ng7asses on. There was no sense in ma8ing him worry 2nnecessari7y. .I had some g2m st2c8 to the bottom o9 my shoe.4 .?h: yo2 scared me 9or a min2teE4 he admitted. .Bey: do they se77 soc8s in the grocery store3 I >2st ripped another pair.4 .I don=t 8now abo2t the grocery store: b2t I=m wa78ing into the S2per Cost-art right now. Can I b2y them here or do 9amo2s movie stars re<2ire e;pensive designer soc8s34 I

teased him. .Let me as8 Ca7:4 he >o8ed. .I2st get me some p7ain white crew soc8s: pre9erab7y ones witho2t ho7es in them. 1o2 8now the 8ind that I wear.4 .)nything e7se34 I as8ed. .02ct tape and a shove734 he re<2ested. I sighed. I co27d on7y imagine the he77 S2Danne was p2tting him thro2gh on set. .Bow bad is she today34 .She=s being di99ic27t:4 he m2ttered. .Taryn: yo2 8now I=m ma8ing this movie: right3 So p7ease don=t be >ea7o2s when I te77 yo2 this: b2t we had to do a 8issing scene this morning and she comp7ained that I had co99ee breath and she made a big 9rea8ing ordea7 abo2t it. It was embarrassing.4 I 8new how he 9e7t abo2t herC >ea7o2sy was 7ow on my 7ist o9 emotions. .Ryan: I 8now it=s pretend. She=s nothing 9or me to be >ea7o2s over. I=m more worried abo2t yo2r re7ationship with the director. 0id yo2 get it 9i7med34 .1eah. /e had to do severa7 ta8es 2nti7 the p7aybac8 7oo8ed good eno2gh to be be7ievab7e. Jenneth was happy with the 9o2rth ta8e. I9 yo2 remember: pic8 2p a b2nch o9 spearmint g2m too. Then I have something to ta8e the bad taste o9 her o2t o9 my mo2th.4 I had to banish the tho2ghts o9 them 8issing. .Bow 7ong are yo2 going to be on set today34 .The ca77 sheet says ti77 seven 9or me b2t yo2 never 8now. /e shot two scenes a7ready. I was >2st going over my 7ines 9or the ne;t one: which is coming 2p in abo2t 9i9teen min2tes.4 Be yawned. .5ort2nate7y she=s not in that scene. I sho27d be there c7ose to seven: eight at the 7atest.4 .I=77 7eave the bac8 door 2n7oc8ed 9or yo2C hope9277y there won=t be too many hairy 7eeches bac8 there waiting.4 .0id yo2 smi7e 9or the cameras this morning yo2rse7934 he 2ttered am2sing7y. ./asn=t too bad. I made s2re to smi7e when I retrieved today=s se7ection o9 7ove notes o99 my car tho2gh. I 8ept them in a nice pi7e in case yo2 need bathroom reading 7ater.4 .I was hoping 9or so9ter toi7et paper than thatE4 he 7a2ghed o2t. y this time: I had wa78ed thro2gh the store and was staring at a wide variety o9 men=s soc8s. I tossed three pac8s o9 soc8s into the cart. .I=m getting yo2 three bags: a77 o9

yo2r ho7y soc8s are going in the garbage tonight.4 .Bey: pic8 2p a bag o9 nacho chips and some sa7sa. I=ve been h2ngry 9or some -e;ican 9ood 7ate7y.4 .1o2 want tacos 9or dinner tonight34 I 9ig2red that so2nded good too. .@romise3 0on=t toy with my emotions: -s. -itche77E4 .1o2=re badE I=77 see yo2 tonight. I have to go pic8 o2t some man7y scented st299 9or my boy9riend now.4 It warmed my insides to say that word again * o2t 7o2d. .?8ay: @eachesE4 Be 7a2ghed. I snapped my phone sh2t and t2rned the corner into the soap ais7e. ?2r conversation had me smi7ing. I 9o2nd the men=s body soap section and started opening and sni99ing a77 the bott7es. I smir8ed to myse79: ta8ing the menta7 pict2re o9 Ryan na8ed: wet: and a77 soapy into my mind. It was one he77 o9 a private tho2ght. Be as8ed 9or new raDors so I whee7ed my cart down the ne;t ais7e to chec8 that item o99 the 7ist. I was 7oo8ing over the di99erent brands o9 men=s shaving cream when I saw her o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye 6 the c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed gir7. She was at the end o9 the same ais7e pretending to be 7oo8ing at some prod2ct on the she79 whi7e watching what I was doing. I 9e7t a >o7t o9 terror sting into my spine. It was her I saw in the par8ing 7otE .ont pani , were in a publi pla e% -aybe it=s >2st a coincidence. I se7ected the rest o9 Ryan=s toi7etries and h2rried away to the shampoo ais7e. I was on a mission to get what I came 9or and then go hide in another part o9 the store. y the time I was 9inished shopping: my cart was 7oaded to the brimC I was no 7onger shopping 9or one. (ven tho2gh I was most7y 9oc2sed on my 7ist: I sti77 nervo2s7y 7oo8ed over my sho27der every now and then. /as the c2r7y*haired gir7 9o77owing me3 I was s7ight7y re7ieved that I never saw her again. The cart was heavy and hard to p2sh thro2gh the par8ing 7ot. The 9ront whee7 o9 the cart was wobb7ing and I had to 2se two hands to 8eep it going in a straight 7ine. So2nds o9 tires s<2ea7ing on the macadam capt2red my attentionC instinctive7y I 7oo8ed 9or the so2rce o9 the noise. That=s when I saw the o7d b72e @7ymo2th coming straight at me 9rom the end o9 the 7ine o9 cars. Tho2ghts o9 me dying in a par8ing 7ot: >2st 7i8e my mother: 97ashed thro2gh my mind. Some deep down imp27se 9orced me to re7ease the grocery cart and 7eave it where it

wasC my body >2mped in between two par8ed cars. I9 the psycho bitch was going to ta8e me o2t: she=d have to ta8e a 9ew cars o2t with me. 2t instead: she drove right past me. She didn=t even g7ance in my direction. I watched as she drove o99 o2t o9 the par8ing 7ot. She hadn=t aimed 9or me at a77. I 9e7t <2ite si77y 9or 7etting my imagination get away 7i8e that. I shoo8 my head to get my mind bac8 to the tas8 at hand: and p2shed my cart to the tr2n8 o9 my car to trans9er my bags. /hen I p277ed down my a77ey: the paparaDDi were there: waiting 9or me. I wish they would stop ta"ing my pi ture and help me, I tho2ght to myse79 as the cameras c7ic8ed aro2nd me. /ow: e;citing newsH Ryan Christensen=s gir79riend grocery shopsE Stop the damn pressesE @eop7e are starving a77 aro2nd the g7obe: the po772tants we p2mp in the air are destroying the oDone: the g7oba7 economy is in the toi7et: b2t yet the most e;citing news at this moment was to capt2re me digita77y as I 2n7oaded my groceries. I trans9erred a77 the bags 9rom the tr2n8 to the 8itchen and then drove o99 to par8 my car. I hit the 8ey 9ob to 7oc8 my car doors and was >2st abo2t to cross over -27berry Street when I saw the o7d b72e @7ymo2th t2rn the corner two b7oc8s away. She "eeps this shit up and Im getting a restraining order% I h2rried down the a77eyC again in a strange way I was act2a77y re7ieved that there were other peop7e aro2nd: even i9 they were the pes8y paparaDDi. They on7y wanted to ta8e my pict2reC somehow they were not threatening. )nd now that I had seen them severa7 days in a row: their 9aces were becoming 9ami7iar to me. The one photographer I recogniDed was a sma77 Ita7ian*7oo8ing man with short: peppered dar8 gray hair and a scr299y beard. Be was the nicest o9 them a77 so 9ar. Be didn=t as8 annoying <2estionsC he >2st as8ed me how my day was going. I wondered i9 these 7eeches act2a77y had a heart when it came to their chosen pro9ession. )nother one o9 the photographers that I recogniDed was ta77er: maybe si;*two or si;* three: with a we77*prono2nced nose and dar8: o7ive s8in. Be a7so was somewhat nice: comp7imenting me on my c7othing a77 the time. Today he 7i8ed my >ac8et. I pondered when the 9act that I didn=t a7ways wear designer c7othes wo27d come into p7ay. )s I 2n7oc8ed my bac8 door: the short Ita7ian man wished me a b7essed evening. .Than8 yo2: sirE 1o2 tooE4 I rep7ied with a cheer927 smi7e.

)9ter I carried a77 the groceries 2pstairs and had most o9 them p2t away: I ca77ed Tammy. .Bey: I need yo2 to as8 Tony a <2estion 9or me.4 Tammy=s brother was a po7ice o99icer in @rovidence. .I thin8 I have a 9an prob7em. Can yo2 as8 him what the criteria is 9or getting a restraining order34 Tammy gasped. .Is it that bad a7ready34 .I don=t 8now. This one gir7 >2st 8eeps showing 2p. I=m not s2re i9 it was a coincidence or not: b2t I >2st saw her in Cost-art over in So2th Bampton. )nd she >2st drove down the street a9ter I 2n7oaded my car. I=m a bit 9rea8ed o2t act2a77yE4 .I=77 as8 him. -aybe yo2 sho27d consider not opening the bar by yo2rse793 Can yo2 wait 2nti7 someone e7se is there with yo234 She had a point. .That=s a good s2ggestion. I can wait 2nti7 Cory gets here. Be=77 be in at 9o2r. It=s not 7i8e I ma8e a he77 o9 a 7ot o9 money in the a9ternoon anyway.4 .Rather be sa9e than sorry:4 Tammy said. .1o2=re right. @7ease as8 Tony 9or meC see i9 he has any s2ggestions.4 I p2t a77 the groceries away then p7aced a sma77 pac8 o9 hamb2rger meat in a s8i77et on the stove. I tho2ght I=d start dinner now so when he got home we co27d eat together. Home? Wait' did my brain !ust say <home:# I wa78ed aro2nd my apartment: observing that there were 7itt7e bits o9 Ryan in every room. )77 his c7othing was stowed away in my bedroom: pants 9rom yesterday 7aying on my chair: his e;pensive watch and c2997in8s were on my dresser ne;t to his bott7e o9 co7ogne: a new script and a boo8 were setting o2t on the co99ee tab7e: and his toothbr2sh was hanging in the bathroom ne;t to mine. 7ending my 7i9e with his seemed so e99ort7ess. I tried to reca77 how and when it a77 happened. It was a7most 9o2r o=c7oc8 6 time to t2rn the bar 7ights on and open 9or b2siness. I was com9orted 8nowing that Cory wo27d be here soon. I t2rned the te7evision on 9or bac8gro2nd noise and ad>2sted my b2siness ho2rs sign to re97ect the new opening time. I had e;pected to see Cory as the 9irst person thro2gh my door: b2t instead a 9ew 9ema7e patrons came in * no do2bt here to see sights o9 Ryan Christensen. The three gir7s sat down at the barC they 7oo8ed <2ite yo2ng. .Aood evening: 7adies:4 I greeted them. ./hat can I get yo234

?ne o9 them was sort o9 g7aring at meC I didn=t care 9or the vibe she was emanating. .I=77 have a r2m and co8e:4 she stated. .S2re. -ay I see some identi9ication 9irst: p7ease34 I as8ed po7ite7y. If youre not twenty+one youre not staying% ?ne o9 them was bare7y twenty*one and the other two were on7y twenty*two years o7dC none o9 them were 9rom Rhode Is7and. )77 three o9 the gir7s were 9rom -assach2setts: which was a 9orty min2te drive 9rom here >2st to the border. I was so re7ieved to see Cory wa78 thro2gh the door that I co27dn=t s2ppress my smi7e. ?ne o9 the gir7s whipped her head aro2nd to see who I was smi7ing at. .Bey boss. Sorry I=m a 9ew min2tes 7ate:4 Cory apo7ogiDed. In act2a7ity he was on7y 9o2r min2tes 7ate. Certain7y not a big dea7: especia77y since I had changed his sched27e 9rom part*time to a7most 9277*time. .!o worries: Cory. I=m >2st happy yo2 co27d wor8.4 I patted him on his sho27der. Secret7y I was than8ing my 72c8y stars that I wasn=t wor8ing a7one. .Limes34 Cory as8ed: 7oo8ing aro2nd. I hadn=t c2t any yet. .I=77 go get some:4 I said cheer9277y: trotting bac8 to the 8itchen. I had severa7 7imes and 7emons in my hand when I came thro2gh the 8itchen door. )t that very moment: c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed gir7 wa78ed thro2gh the 9ront door o9 my p2b. I s2c8ed in a <2ic8 breath 9rom the shoc8: a7most d2mping my arm*9277 o9 9r2it on the 97oor. I sc2rried behind the bar: getting as c7ose to Cory and my baseba77 bat as I possib7y co27d. I 8new her name was )nge7: b2t she was t2rning o2t to be more 7i8e the devi7 in my boo8. She 7oo8ed aro2nd the inside o9 the p2b be9ore hesitant7y ma8ing her way to the 9ar end o9 the bar. I was g7ad she sat at the opposite end 9rom where the 8itchen wo27d be visib7e 9rom the 7ong bar. Ryan wo27d be coming thro2gh the bac8 door event2a77y. She reached into her 7itt7e c72tch p2rse and I 9e7t the adrena7ine start to re7ease into my b7oodstream. This gir7 abso72te7y terri9ied meC there was no way o9 8nowing what she had hidden in that p2rse. I 8ept some distance between 2s 2nti7 I co27d be s2re o9 what she was 2p to. (vent2a77y she p7aced some money on the bar and 9o7ded her hands on top o9 it. S7ow7y I made my approach. .Aood (vening. /hat can I get yo234 .I=77 have a whis8ey so2r:4 she whispered. It was weirdC she never made eye contact. .-ay I see some I0 p7ease34 I wanted to 8now who she was and where she came

9rom. She reached bac8 into that omino2s 7itt7e bag o9 hers and p277ed o2t a sma77 wa77et. Ber 9ingers 92mb7ed 9or her driver=s 7icense.

$6-E)&C$ ST$;6TO6< DO= 2>10>1201 2,3 S: =R&D-E ST< $pt 12C =ROO?)@6< 6@

She was thirty*one years o7d and a 7ong way 9rom home. !ow I at 7east had more in9ormation to give to Tammy=s brother. I hoped I co27d get him to do a bac8gro2nd search on this whac8o. I made the drin8 that she re<2ested and tried to be as cordia7 as possib7e when I set it in 9ront o9 her. I p2rpose7y mi;ed her drin8 7ightC no sense 92e7ing her psychosis with e;tra a7coho7. -arie came in at 9ive to start her shi9t. She made a 9ace when she saw that most o9 the patrons in the p2b were 9ema7e. Cory was a7ready trying to charm three o9 the gir7s at the bar. They seemed to 7i8e him too. Cory was a good*7oo8ing g2y * ta77: we77*8ept: nice arms: and a 97irtatio2s smi7e. I hoped he was a good distraction. -arie he7d her p2rse 2p in the air and shoo8 her 8eys: indicating she was going to 7oc8 2p her be7ongings in the o99ice. I comp7ete7y 2nderstood her reasonsC the bar was starting to 7oo8 7i8e the setting 9or a Sta78ers )nonymo2s meeting. S2re eno2gh: abo2t a doDen or so yo2ng gir7s came into the bar. The trai7 o9 tramps didn=t end. )77 o9 the 9ans that were waiting o2tside were now inside my p2b. ./hat the 92..E4 -arie gasped. ./here the he77 did they a77 come 9rom34 .The street: where e7seE4 I breathed bac8. .TarynE4 She shoo8 her head at me. .This is e99ed 2pE /hat are we going to do34 I had no idea what to say to her. I was a7so worried abo2t serving minors accidenta77y. /e on7y had this siDe o9 a crowd on wee8ends: and 7i9e was manageab7e when @ete carded everyone before they stepped 9oot into the bar.

.They a77 need to be carded and 7abe7ed somehow:4 I said. .Cory: card everyone be9ore yo2 serve them. I=m going to see i9 I sti77 have those paper wristbands.4 I h2rried to the o99ice and d2g thro2gh my dad=s o7d des8. I 9o2nd the pac8 o9 wristbands b2t the g72e was so o7d on them they didn=t stic8 together anymore. In another drawer I 9o2nd a stamp pad and a date stamper. That wo27d have to do. I went tab7e by tab7e: chec8ing driverLs 7icenses. I was g7ad that I did beca2se there were a 9ew that were 2nderage. They were re<2ested to 7eave immediate7y. It 9e7t good to 8ic8 a 9ew o9 his 9ans o2t. /omen pac8ed my barC it was indescribab7e. )77 ages: shapes: and siDes 9orced their way in. 5or what3 5or the hopes o9 getting a g7impse o9 my boyfriend3 The man who 7oves me with a77 his heart3 It reminded me o9 the time his car was s2rro2nded o2t in L.). by screaming: hysterica7 9ans. -y mood instant7y morphed 9rom stressed to pissed. -arie approached a tab7e o9 9o2r women who were >2st sitting in anticipation. .I9 yo2=re not going to order something yo2 have to 7eaveE4 I heard her te77 them. .!o: water is not an order. /e serve a7coho7 here. This is a bar.4 She s7apped her serving tray on top o9 the bar. I co27d see she was >2st as pissed as I was. .This is 9rea8ing ridic27o2s: TarynE4 .I 8now. I don=t 8now what to do:4 I m2ttered in de9eat. .I don=t 8now what I an do: besides stand 2p on this bar and te77 them a77 that he=s not here.4 I rea77y wanted to te77 them a77 that he was mine and they were de72siona7: craDy bitchesC maybe end my rant with an .everyone get the he77 o2t:4 b2t I co27dn=t. I was so b2sy carding peop7e that I comp7ete7y 7ost trac8 o9 the time. -y poc8et started singing to me. .Bi:4 I breathed o2t: r2nning 9or cover in the 8itchen. .Bey: everything a77 right34 Ryan as8ed. .!o. -y bar is in2ndated with 9ema7e 9ans. I don=t 8now what to do.4 I 9e7t 7i8e a panic attac8 was coming on. .I9 they see yo2:4 I gasped. It was getting harder to breathe. .Shit: I was a9raid o9 this. ?8ay: >2st stay ca7m. I=77 9i; this. 0o yo2 tr2st me34 .1es:4 I rep7ied. .Ta8e care o9 yo2r b2siness. Stay o2t in the bar. Things wi77 be a 7itt7e hectic: b2t once they get what they came 9or they=77 7eave.4 Be was in b2siness mode.

I nervo2s7y paced behind the bar: mi;ing drin8 orders to occ2py my brain. I had no idea what he was ta78ing abo2t: and I had >2st abo2t my 9i77 o9 dirty 7oo8s 9or one night. I 8new what each one o9 them were thin8ing * why her3 /hat was so specia7 abo2t me that ca2ght his attention3 I even heard a 9ew o9 them say that I wasn=t pretty eno2gh to be his gir79riend. I 9e7t 7i8e the neighbor=s dog >2st sn2c8 into my ho2se and peed a77 over my carpets >2st 9or spite. ) b7ac8 sedan p277ed 2p o2t 9ront and par8ed. I saw Ryan=s bodyg2ard open his car door and they wa78ed to the 9ront door o9 the p2b. The min2te Ryan=s 9oot hit the carpeting the women started screaming. -y sho27ders instant7y h2nched 2p and I covered my ears with my hands to m2997e the so2nds. Cameras were c7ic8ing everywhere. Air7s even stood 2p on some o9 my chairs. Ryan smi7ed and waved to the adoring 9ans whi7e his g2ardian 2shered him sa9e7y into the poo7room. I noticed one o9 the paparaDDi a7so 9o77owed them. I2st then my ce77 phone p7ayed my 9avorite t2ne. .I didn=t 8now what e7se to do. 0on=t be mad:4 he whispered. .I 7ove yo2.4 .Ladies: 7adies:4 his bodyg2ard: -i8e: ca77ed o2t. .-r. Christensen wi77 be signing a2tographs and providing photo opport2nities 9or one ho2r. ?ne photo per g2est on7y p7ease.4 .It=s bri77iantE I 7ove yo2 tooE4 I answered him. In an instant: a 7ine was 9ormed. )ct2a77y the 7ine started 9orming be9ore -i8e even spo8e. I 7oo8ed at my watch: it was a7most seven. I 9i77ed a 7arge g7ass with soda and too8 it over to the poo7room. .-s. -itche77:4 -i8e greeted me with a partia7 smi7e. Be had his b278y arms 9o7ded across his chest to 7oo8 even more intimidating. .Bi -i8eE /o27d yo2 p7ease give this to him 9or me3 Can I get yo2 something to drin8 too34 -i8e shoo8 his head. -arie: Cory: and I stood behind the bar: >2st watching. I noticed how none o9 the other paparaDDi entered my bar: b2t some other menace did * a reporter. ) we77*dressed 7ady sat at my bar: smi7ing at me. I g7anced down the bar to notice that gap*toothed psycho 9an was an;io2s7y standing in 7ine. .-s. -itche77: Shei7a -oore 9rom the Ce7eb (ntertainment !etwor8. I was

wondering i9 I might as8 yo2 a 9ew <2estions34 She 97ashed her shiny: white teeth at me. .I have no comment:4 I answered <2ic87y. .!o interviews.4 .I2st one <2estion: Boney:4 she goaded me. There was on7y one person on this p7anet that ca77ed me .Boney4 and she was not it. .!o:4 I said 9irm7y. .@7ease 7eave now.4 .1o2 8now that attit2de is not very good 9or his careerE4 She smi7ed her 9a8e smi7e at me. I wasn=t 9a77ing 9or her tric8s. Li8e answering her probing <2estions would be good 9or his career. She eyed -arie and I co27d see the 7itt7e hamster on the whee7 in her brain ch2rn another revo72tion. .!o: yo2 cannot interview any o9 my emp7oyees either:4 I said sharp7y. .!ow I wo27d pre9er i9 yo2 7e9t.4 Ber eye daggers were con9irmation eno2gh o9 her 2nhappiness. I rea77y didn=t care. I bare7y spo8e to my c7osest con9idants abo2t my re7ationshipC she was craDy to thin8 I=d spi77 any detai7s to her. -y attention was diverted when new c2stomers came into the p2b. Than89277y it was some o9 my reg27ar ma7e c2stomers. They were obvio2s7y happy seeing the 7arge se7ection o9 women. The g2ys <2ic87y p2nched n2mbers into their ce77 phonesC it was the modern day version o9 sending smo8e signa7s to the other tribesmen. Ryan=s 7itt7e p7an seemed to be wor8ing. )s the women got their meet and greet satis9ied: they e;ited right o2t the door. The crowd was act2a77y thinning. -arie nodded her head in response to seeing some o9 the gir7s 7eave. It ir8ed me to hear some o9 the comments these women were ma8ing abo2t Ryan. -ost were g2shing abo2t their enco2nter with himC how hot he was: how they=d 7i8e to .do him4 as they p2t it. Two yo2ng women sat at the bar in 9ront o9 me: ta78ing abo2t his hair and his dreamy eyes: and how they can=t be7ieve how 72c8y they got tonight to be at the right p7ace at the right time. I was washing a 9ew dirty g7asses when one o9 the gir7s e;pressed her ne;t observation o2t 7o2d. She pres2med since Ryan was here witho2t S2Danne that they m2st not be a co2p7e 7i8e everyone tho2ght. )nd since he was o2t prow7ing the streets o9 Seaport Mand s72mming with the 7oca7sN: he m2st be 7oo8ing 9or a good time. She 9e7t her odds >2st

increased to getting him. She even came 2p with a 9ew 7ines to 7et him 8now he co27d have her. She decided that her .want to come bac8 to my p7ace and have se;34 7ine was the winner. ) 9ew wee8s ago statements 7i8e that wo27d have dri9ted in one ear and right o2t the other: not a99ecting me in the s7ightest bit. 2t now I 9e7t the b2rn rip right thro2gh my heart. The red tai7ed beast ca77ed )nger we77ed in me. These women ta78ed abo2t him 7i8e he was a thing: an ob>ect: a possession to be had. )nd the thing they desired was the man that I 7oved. -arie st2died my 9acia7 e;pression 9or two seconds be9ore conc72ding that I was a7most at the end o9 my rope. .Ao ta8e a wa78. Cory and I have this.4 She steered me a7ong by my sho27ders. .I=m going to see how he=s doing: then I=m going 2p to have dinner with him. I=77 be bac8 a 7itt7e 7ater.4 I co27dn=t hide the anger any 7onger. Be had >2st abo2t ten min2tes 7e9t 2nti7 his ho2r o9 peop7e p7easing was over: and there were sti77 abo2t 9i9teen women in 7ine. -i8e smi7ed at me and moved s7ight7y so I co27d 7oo8 in on Ryan. Two gir7s were chatting 2p a storm with him: tossing their hair: smi7ing: and 97irting. It made me sic8. Ryan was standing there with his arms 9o7ded across his chest: trying to be nice. /hen he saw me he grinned: ran his 9inger down his nose: and scratched his chin. It made me 7a2gh. Two gir7s to go 2nti7 c2r7y*haired: gap*toothed )nge7ica wo27d get her t2rn. She was de9inite7y 7oo8ing me 2p and down: >2st 7i8e the rest o9 them. I ad>2sted my shirt: ran my hands over my b2tt and smir8ed. 7oo" at that ladies, its his favorite part. Ryan was getting an;io2s to get this over withC he waved at -i8e to 7et the ne;t one in. Two gir7s went together to meet him. They were beside themse7ves 6 it was 7i8e meeting Aod to them. Ryan moved away 9rom the tab7e when the two gir7s 7e9t. Be stretched and wa78ed over to where I stood. .Bey yo2E4 Be smi7ed and private7y dri9ted his 9ingers over mine. .Bey bac8E4 Be yawned. .I am so done with this. Bow many more are 7e9t34 I ro2gh7y co2nted. .Twe7ve. I2st 9inish with themC maybe they=77 7eave yo2 a7one now.4

Be wrin87ed his nose and winced. .I=m so h2ngry. I=m getting a headache.4 .Then ma8e it <2ic8E 0inner is ready when yo2 are.4 I t2gged on the bottom o9 his shirt. )nge7ica was getting nervo2s in 7ineC she was shi9ting her weight 9rom 9oot to 9oot. Ryan saw she was ne;t and whispered something into his bodyg2ard=s ear. -i8e 2n9ort2nate7y 7et )nge7ica pass. She c72tched her 7itt7e p2rse in her hand: ma8ing me rea77y nervo2s. I watched her every move: ready to po2nce i9 she tried anything. She said a 9ew g2shing words to Ryan and then started to open her p2rse. I saw the edge o9 something si7ver in her handC adrena7ine co2rsed thro2gh my veins. I was >2st abo2t to p2sh -i8e aside and tac87e her when she p277ed o2t a si7ver camera. Ryan posed with her <2ic87yC now I 2nderstood why the photographer was invited a7ong. She 7oo8ed at the camera and as8ed 9or one more pict2re to be ta8en b2t the photographer to7d her no and moved her a7ong. )nge7ica 7oo8ed distra2ght when she wa78ed o2t o9 the poo7room. I tho2ght she was going to stay inside the bar: so it s2rprised me when she 7e9t the b2i7ding. (ood riddan e, psy ho% Severa7 new gir7s got in 7ine and now the new tota7 was c7oser to twenty. .-i8e: he=s had eno2gh:4 I whispered. .Two more and that=s it. Be has a headache and he has dinner waiting.4 .?8ay: Taryn.4 Be t2rned to the 7adies. .1o2 two and then we are done. !o more.4 I watched as the bad news was whispered down the 7ine. K2ite a 9ew o9 them 7e9t o2t 7o2d .awes4 b2t I didn=t care. Be served his 9ans eno2gh today. Ryan patted -i8e=s sho27der when he was 9inished. .Than8s man: I owe yo2 oneE4 .!o prob7em: Ryan. I=77 see yo2 at si;. Ao get some rest.4 Ryan smi7ed and waved brie97y to the 7adies who were sti77 waiting in 7ineC their cameras c7ic8ed 7i8e craDy. Be t2rned his bac8 to the waiting 9ans and <2ic87y darted thro2gh o2r stairwe77 door.

Chapter 12 - Entrances

.I 7ove yo2 9or getting me rea7 soda:4 Ryan said enth2siastica77y. The can hissed when he crac8ed the p277*tab. .So how was yo2r day: Boney34 I t2rned and shoved a taco chip in his mo2th: sti97ing his sarcasm. Be smi7ed and crac8ed me on the b2tt. .I got a birthday card 9or yo2r mom. It=s on the tab7e.4 Be grabbed another chip and dipped it in the sa7sa. .?h: coo7E I comp7ete7y 9orgot to get her one.4 Be read the card <2iet7y to himse79. .)weE She=s going to get a77 m2shy on me a9ter she reads this.4 Ryan wrapped his arms aro2nd my waist: h2gging me 9rom behind. .Than8 yo2:4 he whispered: 8issing me on the nec8. I t2rned in his arms and s7id my hands over his sho27dersC I was waiting 9or my proper he77o and was re7ieved I didn=t have to wait a second 7onger. Be tasted sa7ty and tangy: >2st 7i8e taco chips. It made me h2ngrier b2t not 9or 9ood. .Than8 yo2 9or de92sing yo2r 7egion o9 9o77owers:4 I said warm7y. .I rea77y appreciate what yo2 did: and I was s2rprised to see how many o9 them 7e9t once they got a chance to meet yo2.4 Be cr2nched into his taco. .-mmE I2st 7i8e I imagined it wo27d taste. I was so h2ngry 9or thisC I was thin8ing abo2t it a77 day.4 Be had apparent7y moved on menta77y 9rom his previo2s b2siness mode. .I got yo2 a present today.4 I p277ed my p2rse o99 o9 the bac8 o9 my chair. .Bere.4 .Jeys34 he as8ed with a mo2th927 o9 9ood: and then it dawned on him what they were. . ac8 8itchen door is si7ver and the go7d one is the apartment door. !ow yo2 have yo2r own set.4 I tried to hide my smi7e as I bit into my dinner. Be <2ic87y 7eaned over the tab7e and gave me a 8iss. .Than8sE So what e7se did yo2

do today34 he as8ed. .-y ban8 te77er wanted to 8now i9 I=m rea77y dating yo2:4 I snic8ered. Be 7oo8ed s2rprised. ./hat did yo2 say34 .I to7d her that we weren=t datingC I said we=re >2st having 2nbe7ievab7y incredib7e hot se; with each other instead.4 I 9ig2red that wo27d ma8e him 7a2gh. .1o2 did not say thatE4 .?h and I a7so to7d her how sweet and considerate yo2 are and how yo2 a7ways ma8e s2re I have a mind*b7owing orgasm 9irst. I tho2ght that wo27d ma8e her day.4 Be smi7ed at me whi7e he chewed. .She didn=t seem too happy when I dropped my pants to show her yo2r a2tograph. I co27d te77 by the way she s7apped my deposit receipt down and to7d me to Ghave a nice day= thro2gh her teeth that she wasn=t p7eased.4 .!ow I 8now yo2=re 9277 o9 shitE4 I smi7ed bac8 at him. .She to7d me she co27d 8eep a secret and I to7d her so co27d I:4 I corrected. .)nd how was your day: Boney34 .I 8i77ed S2sanne severa7 times today. I tho2ght a9ter I stabbed her menta77y with a big 8ni9e that she=d die: b2t that bitch 8ept on getting bac8 2pE So I got the pic8 a;e and s7ammed it into her 9orehead: yo2 8now: right here34 Be pointed. . 2t she wo27dn=t stay downE4 . abe: did yo2 not 7earn anything 9rom me3 0id yo2 try the poison34 .@oison34 he sco99ed. .Ta8es too 7ong and I wasn=t in the mood to wait. I p2t rea7 si7ver b277ets in my g2n. She too8 twe7ve in the chest.4 Be shoved the 7ast bite o9 his taco into his mo2th. .)nd3 0id that do it 9ina77y34 .I wishE I don=t be7ieve there is any way to 8i77 the anti*Christ:4 he 7a2ghed. )9ter we were 9inished eating: he he7ped me c7ean 2p the 8itchen and p2t 9ood away. I was g7ad that he didn=t e;pect me to be his servant or ho2se8eeper. Be too8 a 9ew e;tra min2tes to inspect the inside o9 the re9rigerator: chec8ing o2t a77 the items I gathered at the store. .Loo8 in the pantry: too. I hope I got the right choco7ate chip coo8ies. 1o2 weren=t speci9ic.4

.)h: 7oo8 at thisE4 he said e;cited7y. .I2st 7i8e homeE4 Ryan ripped open the coo8ie bag: shoving one in his mo2th and pa7ming one 9or 7ater. .0id yo2 have eno2gh money34 .1o2r contrib2tion was abo2t ha79:4 I m2ttered. I started washing the dishes. .LiarE4 he breathed in my ear. Ryan t2rned the sin8 water on 9or me so I co27d rinse a p7ate. I smi7ed. Be was right: I was 9ibbing. I spent a7most 9o2r h2ndred today getting a77 this st299. .-aybe we can bang o2t the 9iner detai7s 7ater3 Come to some m2t2a7 agreement34 I wondered a7o2d. .1o2 want to negotiate the terms o9 o2r contract34 .Contract34 I <2estioned. .I didn=t rea7iDe I was 2nder contract.4 ./e77 o9 co2rse yo2 are. I=ve a7ready signed on the dotted 7ine bac8 here.4 Be br2shed my rear with his 7ong 9ingers. .I=m 7oc8ed in. It=s an iron*c7ad contract: by the way.4 .K2estion3 Is there a no competition c7a2se written in this contract34 .)bso72te7yE There is no competition either. !one.4 Be too8 the wet p7ate 9rom my hand to dry it. .I=m not s2re. There was <2ite a 7ine 9orming today. )77 o9 them so willing to negotiate.4 Ryan=s eyes narrowed on me. .Boney: in a77 serio2sness: te77 me. 0id that: what happened tonight: bother yo23 Te77 me the tr2thE4 .!o:4 I answered immediate7y. .The 9an appreciation didn=t bother me at a77. /hat bothered me was some o9 the comments that were made. I mean I thin8 it=s p2b7ic 8now7edge why yo2=re ho7ding co2rt in my p2b and why they a77 8new they co27d 9ind yo2 here. 2t when these gir7s are sitting on the other side o9 my bar: ta78ing abo2t wanting to have se; with yo2 right in 9ront o9 me: it=s a 7itt7e aggravating. It=s sort o9 7i8e a s7ap in the 9ace:4 I admitted. .I don=t 8now how to e;p7ain it.4 .I 2nderstand. I=d 9ee7 the same way i9 a b2nch o9 g2ys were ta78ing abo2t yo2 that way. 2t since Seaside: I=ve come to rea7iDe that this wor7d is 9277 o9 cr2e7: r2th7ess peop7e 6 a77 ready to 8noc8 yo2 down the min2te yo2 show the s7ightest bit o9 wea8ness.4 Ryan r2bbed my arms. .I at 7east have a 9ew years 2nder my be7t dea7ing with it. I 8now it=s a77 new to yo2 and it=s going to a99ect yo2 in many ways: >2st 7i8e it=s a99ected me.

/e need to be strong together. It=s yo2 and me against the wor7d: Boney.4 .That so2nds 7i8e it=s 9rom a movieE4 I >o8ed. .@robab7y. 2t it doesn=t mean we can=t 2se the same 7ine in o2r story.4 Be so9t7y 8issed my 7ips. .)re yo2 going bac8 to wor834 Be started digging in his bag when he as8ed. .1eah. I to7d -arie I was going to have dinner with yo2 and that I=d be bac8. /hat=s that34 Be had a 9ew b72e co7ored papers in his hand. .It=s tomorrow=s ca77 sheet. It=s 7i8e an agenda. /hat scenes we=re going to shoot: times: my 7inesH a77 o9 that 92n st299. I was going to goH4 he motioned over his sho27der: .read.4 Be smi7ed impish7y. .0o yo2 want yo2r 7ove 7etters too34 I teased: 8nowing where he was headed. .0on=t yo2 have a p2b to r2n34 he groaned. Bis phone started to p7ay some rea77y coo7 m2sic again. I co27d ma8e o2t the words Ghome: home.= .-y dad:4 he answered my 7oo8. .Bey 0ad: what=s 2p34 Bis smi7e disappeared. ./hat do yo2 mean they cance77ed yo2r 97ight3 ?h: so when are yo2 coming then3 /ait: 7et me write that down.4 Be motioned 9or a pen. I introd2ced him to the >2n8 drawer. Ryan wrote down 57ight 1$'0 !ewar8 10"%0 a.m. .I won=t be ab7e to ma8e it Gca2se I=m sched27ed to be on set. 1o2 don=t need a renta7 car: >2st ta8e a sh2tt7e over to the hote7. /e77: I was going to come to the airport to get yo2 b2t I can=t do ten thirty: 0ad. !o: I haven=t been staying at the hote7.4 Be too8 a deep breath and 7oo8ed at me. .I=ve been staying with Taryn. She=s wi77ing to p2t 2p with me.4 Be smi7ed as he spo8e. .1es: she is a wonder927 womanE 1o2=77 see. .0ad: yo2 and mom on7y need to stay at the Le;ington Th2rsday and 5riday... beca2se we=re ta8ing yo2 somewhere 9or the wee8end.4 I 97agged his attention. .I can pic8 them 2p at the airport:4 I mo2thed. Be he7d one 9inger 2p 9or me to wait. .0ad: hang on.4 .I can pic8 them 2p i9 they need a ride to the hote7. I don=t thin8 there=s a sh2tt7e 9rom @rovidence a77 the way to Seaport.4 Be covered his phone with his hand. .I was going to see i9 I co27d get one o9 the 7imo drivers to go get them. Bang on:4 he groaned.

./hat 0ad3 I was going to see i9 I co27d get one o9 the set drivers to come get yo2 b2t Taryn >2st o99ered to pic8 yo2 2p. !o: she owns her own b2siness: remember34 Be ta78ed over his phone to me. .0o yo2 mind getting my parents at the airport34 .!o: I don=t mind:4 I answered him. .Le;ington Bote7: 0ad. That=s where yo2=77 be staying:4 Ryan in9ormed his 9ather. ./hy don=t yo2r parents >2st stay here34 I s2ggested. .Bere34 Be contemp7ated: a dent 9ormed in his brow. .A2estroom34 I pointed towards the ha77way. Ryan co27dn=t wait any 7ongerC he h2rried o2t o9 the 8itchen and I headed 9or my p2b. -ost o9 the 9anatics had vacated the bar by the time I ret2rned. The crowd was thin and very manageab7e 9or -arie and Cory. There were maybe twenty women sti77 7ingering in the bar. .That was a smart thing Ryan did:4 -arie stated. .)9ter yo2 both went 2pstairs: most o9 the women 7e9t. Loo8 o2t 9ront.4 I wa78ed c7oser to the windows and 7oo8ed o2tside. The sidewa78s were s2rprising7y empty. There were a 9ew greasy paparaDDi sti77 7oitering: b2t the horde o9 women was gone. )pparent7y it was 8nown that Ryan Christensen was in 9or the evening. .So what are yo2r tho2ghts abo2t managing the bar in my absence34 I wanted to ma8e s2re -arie was o8ay with me ta8ing o99 9or a 9ew days: especia77y considering what happened tonight with his 9ans. .Tar: yo2 haven=t had a vacation in years. This is a h2ge stepE Ao: have 92n with him and his parents. /ho 8nows: maybe yo2=77 come bac8 married or something wonder927 7i8e that.4 .1eah: 7i8e that wi77 happenE4 I 8idded. . 2t in a77 honesty: I have been thin8ing abo2t st299 7i8e that. This p7ace has been my who7e 7i9e. !ow * not so m2ch: yo2 8now.4 .1o2r priorities have changed:4 she stated. .1eah: I=77 sayE4 I nervo2s7y admitted. -arie pointed to the cei7ing. .Bis sched27e is so di99erent. Be=s going to e;pect yo2 to trave7 and be with him wherever he is. )nd I te77 ya: i9 I was yo2: I=d 9o77ow him anywhereE4 I smir8ed at her.

.That=s not what I meanE /e77: it is what I mean: b2t that=s beside the point. e9ore I 8new him: I had this menta7 pict2re o9 him as a ce7ebrity. 2t he=s more than that: I 8now that now. That=s why yo2=re head over hee7s in 7ove with him. Be=s >2st a rea77y great g2yE )nd it seems 7i8e he is ready to sett7e down with someone. Be=s not p7aying the 9ie7d: that=s 9or s2reE4 .1eah: I=d have to agreeH considering he sort o9 moved in with me yesterday:4 I m2ttered: bracing myse79 9or her reaction. ./hat34 -arie gasped 9rom the shoc8. ./e had his c7othes de7ivered so we co27d get his 7a2ndry done and we77: he as8ed me i9 he co27d stay with me.4 I too8 another deep breath: anticipating her e7ation. .)77 o9 his st299 is 2pstairs now. That=s why he=s 2p there. Be wants to stay here.4 .)re yo2 9rea8ing 8idding me34 She beamed in amaDement and then p277ed me in 9or a congrat27atory h2g whi7e >2mping 2p and down. .!oE I=d never 8id abo2t thatE4 I whispered as we h2gged. .That=s why I have a 7ot to thin8 abo2t: beca2se this pub is what I do 9or a 7iving.4 .It=s not a77 yo2 do:4 she reminded. .I 8now: b2t it=s my primary income. I don=t want to be so7e7y dependent on my h2sband=s income: even i9 he isn=t the one I end 2p marrying. I want to have a strong: e<2a7 part in this re7ationship. )nd I=m not going to repeat my mista8es and give 2p who I am. 4 .1o2=ve been a shrewd b2sinesswoman so 9ar. I=m s2re yo2=77 ma8e smart choices.4 -y poc8et started to p7ay Ryan=s ringtone. .Bey: what=s 2p3 !o: I=m not 8noc8ing on the door. Let me chec8.4 I he7d the phone to my ear and r2shed over to my stairwe77. I was instant7y pissed when I saw two gir7s at the top o9 my steps gigg7ing and 8noc8ing on my apartment door. ./hoaE /hat the he77 do yo2 thin8 yo2=re doing34 I sho2ted: s2rprised to see them 2p there. They both 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was dist2rbing them. .This is Ryan Christensen=s apartment: right34 ?ne o9 the tramps sneered at me. .!o: that=s my home and private propertyE Aet the he77 away 9rom my doorE4 .IeeD: what=s yo2r prob7em34 one o9 them snipped. I was so tempted to r2n 2p the steps and come bac8 down dragging her by the hair. .Be=s in there: isn=t he34 she gigg7ed: 7i8e she was in on the secret.

.It doesn=t matter who is on the other side o9 that doorE /hat gives yo2 the right to thin8 yo2 co27d >2st barge on 2p there34 I snapped my phone sh2t. I >2st h2ng 2p on Ryan: b2t it didn=t matterC I 8new he co27d hear me screaming at them thro2gh the door. .Re7a;E /e >2st wanted to meet himC party a 7itt7e.4 The other gir7 shoo8 her boobs at me. -arie was standing behind me with my baseba77 bat in hand. I 97ipped my phone open again. .1o2 have two seconds to get down here be9ore I ca77 the po7ice. ?!(H4 5ort2nate7y I didn=t have to co2nt to two. .Co77ect yo2r things and 7eave: nowE4 . itchE4 the one gir7 m2mb7ed on her way past me. I co27d not be7ieve she act2a77y had the a2dacity to ca77 me a nameE .(;c2se me34 I snapped. .Step 9oot in my bar again and I=77 have yo2 arrested 9or trespassing.4 I s7ammed the door behind them. I t2rned to wa78 bac8 to the bar: sti77 92e7ed by the enco2nter. ./ho=s ne;t34 I said to -arie: b2t 7o2d eno2gh 9or the rest o9 the 7ingering women to hear. I was so mad I co27d have thrown them a77 o2t. .I need to get a 7oc8:4 I m2ttered: standing in 9ront o9 my stairwe77 door. 2t what good wo27d that do3 I2st one more 8ey and one more speed b2mp to getting Ryan 2pstairs 2nnoticed. I wa78ed into the 8itchen and stared at the wa77 behind the 2se7ess co2nter. I tapped on the drywa77: thin8ing abo2t how I co27d move the entrance to my apartment. I hoped to one day have a simp7e home in the woods with my princeC no 7onger did I thin8 abo2t 7iving above the bar 9or the rest o9 my 7i9e. I9 I ever wanted to rent the apartment o2t: the tenant wo27d be bo2nd to enter and e;it d2ring bar b2siness ho2rs. I 97ipped open my ce77 phone and ca77ed @ete. Bome renovation was what he did 9or a 7iving and I 8new he wo27d have some s2ggestions. I 2n7oc8ed my apartment door >2st as @ete answered. Ryan was re7a;ing on the co2ch: b72e papers in one hand: te7evision remote in the other: stripped down to com9y sweats and a T*shirt. I sat down ne;t to him and he p2t his arm aro2nd my sho27ders when I 9inished my phone ca77. I 7eaned my head on his chest. .Taryn: this obvio2s7y isn=t a good idea. -aybe I sho27d >2st stay at the hote7.4 I 9e7t my happiness drain right o2t o9 my heart. .!?. )bso72te7y 2nacceptab7e.4

.I 8new this was gonna happen b2t I 7et it happen anyway. -e being here is ca2sing a 7ot o9 tro2b7e 9or yo2 and yo2r p2b.4 Be was 9ee7ing remorse927. I co27d hear it. .Ryan: it doesn=t matter where yo2 are. Li8e yo2 said: this st299 9o77ows.4 I sat 2p and 7oo8ed him in the eyes. .I want a 7i9e with yo2: i9 yo2 tr27y want a 7i9e with me. 1o2r 9ans ca2ght me o99*g2ard today: b2t I can te77 yo2 it won=t happen again. I=77 be better prepared ne;t time. I want yo2 here with me: where I can protect yo2 9rom the nonsense.4 ./ho=s going to protect yo23 Isn=t that my >ob34 Be g7ared at me. .)nd what3 1o2r so72tion is to stay away 9rom me to protect me34 It wasn=t meant to be a <2estion. .I bro2ght a77 o9 this to yo2r 92c8ing doorstep: TarynE I did thisE4 Ryan arg2ed: stabbing himse79 in the chest with his 9inger. .So what3 1o2 thin8 I didn=t 8now that st299 7i8e this co27d happen3 I=m not some naVve: 7itt7e gir7 who=s star str2c8 and ob7ivio2s: RyanE There is no way I=m going to a77ow yo2 to 9ee7 g2i7ty abo2t shit yo2 have no contro7 overE I have to 7earn how to dea7 with yo2r 9ame tooE )nd I wi77E4 Ryan s72mped bac8: de9eated. .0o you rea77y 7ove me: or was that something that accidenta77y s7ipped o2t34 I as8ed. Bis eyes narrowed. .I meant every word: every time I=ve said it. I love you.4 .Then it=s yo2 and me against the wor7d: and we don=t deviate 9rom that co2rse. That=s o2r story: remember34 Be tossed his b72e papers onto the co99ee tab7e and reached 9or me: h2gging me tight7y. @ete and Tammy arrived 9i9teen min2tes 7ater. @ete had his too7bo; in one hand and was wearing his tape meas2re as an attachment to his be7t. Ryan greeted them when he s7ipped into the 8itchen. /e ta78ed abo2t how we co27d sea7 o99 the origina7 door that opened into the p2b and re7ocate the door to open into the 8itchen. It was the <2ic8est 9i;. . 2t that means i9 I ever try to rent the apartment o2t: the tenant wo27d have to sti77 come thro2gh the 8itchen to get in. )hh: I=m not so s2re I 7i8e this. /hat wo27d 8eep them

9rom going right o2t into the bar34 I said: p2shing the 8itchen swing door with my 9ingers. .That certain7y is a prob7em:4 @ete added. .These o7d b2i7dings were never meant to be b2sinessesC they were a77 homes. )nd i9 we sea7 o99 the 8itchen then yo2=77 have sa9ety vio7ations 9or not having an emergency e;it.4 I 7oo8ed aro2nd the 8itchen. There was >2st no good way o9 re7ocating the stairwe77. @ete and Ryan ran bac8 2pstairs to de7iberate. I co27d hear them tapping on the inside o9 the stairwe77 wa77. .I spo8e to my brother:4 Tammy whispered. .0oes Ryan 8now abo2t the restraining order34 .!o.4 I shoo8 my head. .I=d 7i8e to 8eep it that way 9or now.4 I didn=t want to add any more stress to Ryan=s 7i9e. ./hat did yo2 9ind o2t34 .Be said yo2 co27d get one i9 yo2 9ee7 she is sta78ing yo2. 2t yo2=d have to go to the po7ice and then 9i7e papers at the co2rtho2se. 1o2=d a7so have to appear in co2rt. It didn=t so2nd simp7e.4 .!othing=s ever simp7e. 2t I did get her name today tho2gh:4 I said pro2d7y. .She came into the bar ear7ier and I carded her.4 .!o wayE4 Tammy said in s2rprise. .?n -onday she s7ipped a card 9or him thro2gh my mai7 s7ot and she signed it G)nge7= b2t when I carded her: her 7icense said her name was )nge7ica. )nge7ica Sta2nton: a77 the way 9rom roo87yn.4 ./rite her name down 9or me. I=77 see i9 Tony can r2n a bac8gro2nd chec8 on her.4 I had >2st s7ipped the paper with her name on it to Tammy when @ete and Ryan came bac8 into the 8itchen. .Tar: I thin8 we=ve so7ved yo2r prob7em:4 @ete boomed happi7y. .Bere: 7oo8 at this.4 @ete was smi7ing at Ryan: 7i8e they >2st so7ved wor7d h2nger. ./hat=s this 7ine34 I as8ed: 7oo8ing at their drawing. .That=s a new wa77. Ryan: 7et=s meas2re it. /hat yo2 got34 .Thirty two and a ha79:4 Ryan said. .That=s going to be a 7ong*ass wa77E It=s going to go straight to the bac8 wa77 there.4 @ete pointed. .1o2=77 have a separate o2tside entrance 9rom the a77ey and then we can c2t a door here in the midd7e so yo2 don=t have to go o2tside to get 2p to yo2r apartment. ?ne day

i9 yo2 decide yo2 want to b7oc8 it o99: it=s an easy 9i;.4 @ete tapped his 9inger on the drawing. .The stairs wo27d stop there and then I=77 p2t in two steps to reach the 97oor. 1o2=77 on7y end 2p 7osing 9o2r 9eet. That co2nter there wo27d have to go. .Ryan: ho7d the tape meas2re again. See: yo2 were right. /e wo27dn=t even have to move the bac8 doorC it=s 9ine where it is. The new wa77 wi77 come here 6 si; inches away 9rom the 9rame.4 @ete=s meta7 tape meas2re snapped bac8 in the casing. .Ta8ing o2t the bric8 wa77 wi77 be a pain: b2t it=s doab7e. 1o2=77 need a new stee7 doorH and a constr2ction permit.4 .This is bri77iantE4 I was <2ite e;cited. .@ete: yo2=re so 9rea8ing smartE4 .0on=t 7oo8 at me * it=s his design.4 Be pointed a th2mb at Ryan. .)t 7east my two years at @itt weren=t a tota7 waste:4 Ryan said con9ident7y: twitching his head 7i8e it was no big dea7. I secret7y added one more trait that I 7oved abo2t him to my 7ist. .Ryan: can I get yo2 to re*draw this ro2gh s8etch3 Then I can attach it to the constr2ction permit app7ication:4 @ete as8ed. .1eah: s2re. !o prob7em. Tammy: how big o9 an oven wo27d yo2 need bac8 here3 I g2ess this stove has to go tooC it 7oo8s 7i8e a 9ire haDard.4 .Ryan: I can=t get a permit 9or that 2nti7 I 2pdate the 9ire s2ppression system 9or over the stoves:4 I m2ttered private7y. .)77 the water 7ines need to be rep7aced. That a7one was over twenty grand.4 Be wrapped his arm aro2nd my sho27ders and whispered in my ear. .Let=s 9ig2re o2t what it wi77 cost and we=77 ta78 abo2t it.4 It sort o9 bothered me that he was so wi77ing to part with his money. Be reminded me o9 some 8id who had twenty do77ars b2rning a ho7e in his poc8et. @ete and Tammy 7e9t short7y a9ter Ryan gave him a new s8etch o9 the constr2ction: and Cory and -arie were we77 in contro7 o9 the bar: so I stayed in my apartment with Ryan. .So -s. -itche77: since we=ve come to new agreements: are yo2 ready to renegotiate the terms o9 yo2r contract34 Ryan raised a <2estioning brow: smir8ing hope9277y on o2r way to the bedroom. .That a77 depends on what yo2=re o99ering.4

.Bow abo2t two 9or the price o9 one on T2esdays34 he snic8ered: p2shing the door c7osed with his 9ingers.

Ryan was so so2nd as7eep he didn=t even b2dge the 9irst time the a7arm c7oc8 chimed. Be was 7ying 97at on his bac8: spread o2t on the bed in the same position he was a9ter o2r incredib7e night. I 9ig2red I=d give him a 9ew more min2tes: so I went o2t to the 8itchen to start a pot o9 co99ee. .?2ch:4 I m2ttered wa78ing to the door with a s7ight 7impC my hip was h2rting 9rom how he mane2vered me 7ast night. I smi7ed inside: remembering how I got in this m2ch pain. . abe: time to wa8e 2p.4 I r2bbed my hand across his chest. ?2r morning 9e7t 7i8e it co27d <2ic87y become ro2tine. /hi7e he showered: I made his co99ee 6 po2red in one o9 those Styro9oam to*go c2ps that 7oo8s 7i8e yo2 got it at the convenience store: and then br2shed my teeth whi7e he in9ormed me o9 his sched27e. /e were >2st 7i8e any other norma7 co2p7e getting ready to go to wor8. I set o2t a new pac8 o9 g2m ne;t to his 8eys and organiDed his b72e papers so he wo27dn=t 9orget them. Bis ce77 phone was p72gged into the charger so I readied that 9or him too. .1o2 are the best assistant I co27d have ever hoped 9orE4 Be wrapped his arms aro2nd my waist and 8issed me goodbye at the bac8 door. .I 7ove yo2. I=77 ca77 yo2 7ater.4 I tr2dged 2p my steps: now wide*awa8e in the wee ho2rs o9 the morning. ored: I t2rned my comp2ter on with the origina7 e;c2se o9 chec8ing on my ban8 statements: b2t instead I searched his name. )9ter I chec8ed his one 9an*made b7og site: I ret2rned to the news res27ts. Today=s news head7ines showed the 9o77owing"

Ryan Christensen auto+raph si+nin+ 5ans ma8e Ryan's ne4 "o*e Aea"ous%

./hat the34 I c7ic8ed on the 7in8 that re9erred to my >ea7o2sy.

=e4are "a ies% 5ans ma8e Ryan's ne4 +ir"frien see Re %5ans 7ined 2p inside his new hango2t: the r2stic -itche77=s @2b in Seaport: RI to see their 9avorite star as he he7d an imprompt2 meet and greet T2esday night. ) 9ew 72c8y 7adies who happened to be at the right p7ace at the right time got to meet the se;y actor as he posed 9or pict2res and signed a2tographs 9or his die*hard 9ans.) 9ew 7adies who happened to be there when he arrived short7y be9ore +"00 p.m. said that he was happy and 9riend7y as he greeted his 9ans. ./e on7y had to wait 9or twenty min2tes: so it wasn=t too bad. It was worth every secondE4 one 7ady reported. ?ther women who waited over an ho2r reported that Ryan=s s2pposed new 7ove: bar owner Taryn -itche77: was 92rio2s as she watched him sign a2tographs. .She to7d women to get o2t and then she ye77ed at everyone inside 6 we >2st 7a2ghed.4 2t a 9riend o9 the actor isn=t s2rprised: reporting that Ryan=s new gir79riend seems 7i8e the >ea7o2s: contro77ing type. It won=t ta8e him 7ong to get tired o9 her. She even te77s him who he can hang o2t with. Be has c2t o99 most o9 his 9riends 9rom the set and is on7y a77owed to socia7iDe with her 9riends. Ryan doesn=t stay on set any 7onger than he has to. Be=s a7ways snea8ing o99 to chec8 in with her when he is there. It=s 7i8e he has to te77 her everything he=s doing.)nother insider reports that Ryan has been comp7ete7y contro77ed by Taryn. She=s even insisting that he move in with her: p2shing the re7ationship into 9ast*9orward. .Bis 72ggage was removed 9rom the hote7 on -onday.4 I 9e7t 7i8e I co27d pass o2t. This report too8 everything o2t o9 conte;t: and now the entire wor7d thin8s I=m a contro77ing he77*bitchE /o27d he ever get tired o9 me 7i8e the story said3 0oes he want someone tending to his needs or wi77 he thin8 I=m crowding him one day3 I remembered what happened when I dated 0ean. Be didn=t want someone to ta8e care o9 him. (very time I tried to be a doting gir79riend: he p277ed 92rther and 92rther away. )m I a7ready r2ining this re7ationship3 Bave I stepped onto the wrong path and didn=t even 8now it3 I don=t thin8 I=m contro77ing him. )m I3 /o27d he thin8 that I was trying to smotherQmother him by setting o2t his phone: 8eys: and a pac8 o9 g2m3 -aybe I sho27dn=t do that anymore. Ten min2tes ago I was b7iss9277y happy and now I was a comp7ete and 2tter mess

inside. I c2r7ed 2p 2nder my <2i7t on the co2ch and tried to distract myse79 with te7evision. It didn=t he7pC my mind raced and a 9ew tears o9 2ncertainty and insec2rity dripped down onto the pi77ow. Why do I hear musi playing# I pondered in my dream. I s2dden7y wo8e: hearing my ce77 phone p7ay in the 8itchen. I was a 7itt7e disoriented. Bow 7ong had I been s7eeping3 I 7oo8ed at the c7oc8 on the 0F0 p7ayer 6 it was a 9ew min2tes be9ore ten. I tossed the <2i7t o99 my 7egs and p7odded to the 8itchen. -y ce77 phone showed two missed ca77s 6 both 9rom Ryan. I ca77ed him bac8 immediate7y. .)re yo2 o8ay34 he as8ed 7o2d7y. .1eah: I=m 9ine. I 9e77 as7eep on the co2ch. I=m sorry: I didn=t hear the phone ring.4 Be breathed o2t a heavy sigh. .I got worried when yo2 didn=t answer.4 .I=m 9ine:4 I repeated: r2bbing my eyes. .Bow=s yo2r day going34 .It=s to7erab7e. /e >2st too8 a brea8. Bey: I was wondering i9 yo2 co27d do me a 9avor3 Remember the other day we ta78ed abo2t ta8ing my mom o2t 9or her birthday b2t we never 7oo8ed 2p resta2rants. Ca7 to7d me abo2t a resta2rant somep7ace o2tside o9 @rovidence ca77ed Sabatinis or Sa7atinis: something 7i8e that. I tried to 9ind it on the net b2t I can=t 7ocate it.4 .Let me 7oo8.4 I b2mped the mo2se on my comp2ter to get the screen saver to c7ear. The ca2se o9 my menta7 brea8down ear7ier was sti77 on the screen. .I=m searching 9or Ita7ian resta2rants @rovidence:4 I in9ormed. I paged thro2gh the res27ts. .La Sca7atini=s3 0oes that so2nd 7i8e it34 I as8ed. .It=s 7ocated in /yndham which is o2tside the city.4 I c7ic8ed on the 7in8 to their website. .Ca7: can yo2 comeHLa Sca7atini: was that it3 (;ce77entE Boney: is there a phone n2mber34 I read the n2mber to him. .AreatE I=m going to ma8e a reservation 9or 5riday. /hat time do yo2 thin83 (ight* thirty or nine34 ./hat time are yo2 getting o99 o9 set 5riday34 .Seven. /hat do yo2 thin834 .Let=s shoot 9or nine: then we have e;tra time in case we need it:4 I rep7ied. .So2nds good. )re yo2 going o2t today34

.!o. I have things I want to do aro2nd here.4 I tho2ght abo2t c7eaning the apartment and 9inishing the 7a2ndry. .I have to wash o2r dirty bed sheets:4 I snic8ered. .1eah: yo2 did ma8e a mess o9 things 7ast nightE4 he teased. .I had he7p:4 I gigg7ed. .I act2a77y thin8 I sprained my hipE4 .1o23 I=ve been 7imping aro2nd here a77 morning:4 I admitted. .Bave yo2 rea77y3 B2h: that=s too 92nny. )nd here I tho2ght I was the on7y one h2rting. A2ess we p2t a h2rting on each otherE4 he grow7ed. .Ca7 as8ed me why I was moving so s7ow.4 .1o2 were as7eep abo2t 9ive min2tes a9terwardsH in the same position.4 I 7a2ghed. .1o2 wore me o2t with a77 o9 that good 7oving. I have to stop thin8ing abo2t it. I=m going to ma8e those dinner reservations and I=77 see yo2 aro2nd seven. I 7ove yo2.4 .I 7ove yo2 tooE4 I smi7ed as I tore the sheets o99 our bed and carried the pi7e to the 7a2ndry room. I heard my phone ring again: b2t it wasn=t his ringtone. .Bey -arie: what=s 2p34 .Taryn34 I co27d te77 by her voice that she had been crying. .-arie: what=s wrong34 I panic8ed. .Aary=s mom died this morning.4 .?h my Aod: -arie. I=m so sorry.4 )n o7d memory o9 me ca77ing -arie to te77 her my mom had died 97ashed thro2gh my mind. ./hat happened34 .She m2st have had a stro8e in bed 7ast night. Aary=s dad co27dn=t wa8e her. )nd we >2st saw them a 9ew wee8s ago.4 .Bow=s Aary34 .Be=s a mess.4 She sni99ed. .5irst time I=ve ever seen him cry. Be=s a7ready ca77ed o99 wor8 and we77: it=s the other reason I=m ca77ing. @7ease don=t be madH4 she p7eaded: .b2t he got 2s tic8ets to 97y to Tampa tomorrow. Be wants to be there 6 he7p ma8e arrangements with his dad. /e=re 97ying o2t at eight twenty in the morning.4 .!o: I comp7ete7y 2nderstand. 0on=t worry at a77.4 .Tar: we=re going to be gone 9or a co2p7e o9 days. I don=t thin8 we=77 be bac8 2nti7 -onday or T2esday. I hate to do this to yo2.4

.-arie: don=t worry abo2t it. 5ami7y is 9irst: a7ways 9irst. Is there anything I can do3 0o yo2 need anything34 .!o. I2st yo2r 2nderstanding and 7ove: that=s a77 we need. I rea77y hate this. I 8now yo2 wanted to spend the wee8end with his 9ami7yC I 9ee7 7i8e I=m stic8ing yo2. I 9ee7 horrib7e. I=m so sorry.4 .-arieE @7easeE It=s o8ayE I=77 9ig2re something o2t. I2st give Aary and his 9ami7y o2r condo7ences.4 I t2rned the washing machine on and added the soap. Shit. /hat was I going to do now3 I had >2st 2n7oaded the dryer when my phone rang again. )77 o9 a s2dden I was pop27ar. .Bi @ete:4 I answered g72m7y. .1o2 o8ay34 @ete as8ed. .1eah. !o. I >2st got o99 the phone with -arie. Aary=s mom passed away this morning.4 )9ter a 9ew min2tes o9 9i77ing him in on what 7itt7e in9ormation I had he got to the reason 9or his ca77. Be had ca7c27ated the cost o9 the materia7s to do the stairwe77 remode7. The stee7 door a7one was severa7 h2ndred combined with drywa77 and wood st2ds came to a7most two tho2sand do77ars. That didn=t inc72de his 7abor. @ete 9ig2red once he got the wor8 permit Th2rsday morning he co27d start 7ater that day: b2t it wo27d be 7o2d with a77 the banging and he=d have to c2t thro2gh the bric8 wa77 to ma8e the new o2tside door. .I can start the demo o9 the drywa77 tonight and get that o2t o9 the way. Tammy is going to be b2sy ma8ing 9ood 9or a 72ncheon she=s catering tomorrow anyway. ?h: and be9ore I 9orget to te77 yo2: she boo8ed a party 9or Sat2rday: so she can=t wor8 5riday and Sat2rday nights:4 he said. That p2t the icing on my ca8e. I was hoping that Tammy wo27d be ab7e to 7end a hand to manage the crowd b2t now that option was gone too. I snapped my phone sh2t and sat 9or a whi7e. I co27dn=t hand7e the crowds on my own. I was a7ready 7oo8ing 9orward to a wee8end o99 with Ryan and his parents. Ryan had >2st made diner reservations 9or 5riday. Bis parents a7ready cance77ed their hote7 stay. 0amn. I 7et o2t a big sigh. I co27dn=t cance7 on Ryan nor >eopardiDe meeting his parents 9or the 9irst time. I wandered aro2nd the apartment: trying to 9ig2re o2t what to do.

I was 7eaning on the washing machine when I tho2ght I heard someone scream: instant7y grabbing my attention. .!o 9rea8ing way:4 I groaned: 7oo8ing o2t my 9ront window. I co27d c7ear7y see the 7ine o9 gir7s 9orming on my sidewa78. They were waiting 9or me to open: and it was obvio2s that they weren=t here to drin8. The 7ine was so 7ong: there m2st have been 9orty or more o9 them. I h2rried down my steps to get a better 7oo8 at the sit2ation. I pee8ed thro2gh the b7inds: shoc8ed at what I saw. Air7s were 7eaning on my wa77sC some were sitting on the sidewa78. I 7oo8ed in the other direction to con9irm that the 7ine started at my door. 3n+ frea"ing believable! Right then I made my 9ina7 decision. I wa78ed to the 8itchen to get a piece o9 cardboard. In my o99ice: I grabbed a 9at: b7ac8 magic mar8er and wrote in big 7etters"

I co27d hear the anger 9rom the waiting crowd when I p2t the sign in my window. They certain7y 7e9t me 8now how they 9e7t abo2t it: b2t I ignored them and went bac8 2pstairs. I had phone ca77s to ma8e and bands to cance7. There went my Ba77oween wee8end income. .I=m on my way:4 Ryan said when he ca77ed 9rom his car. .Bow=s the crowd3 (verything a77 right there34 .There is no crowd. -ost o9 the gir7s 7e9t a9ter I p2t the c7osed sign in the window: a7tho2gh a co2p7e o9 them po2nded on my door:4 I sighed. .C7osed3 Taryn: what=s*4 .I had no choice:4 I m2ttered. .Aary=s mom died this morning. Be and -arie are 7eaving 9or Tampa tomorrow morning to be with his dad. -arie is staying home with him tonightC he is pretty distra2ght.4 .IeeD: why didn=t yo2 ca77 me34 .5or what: Ryan3 To give yo2 bad news whi7e yo2=re having a stress927 day as so as it is3 I 9ig2red I=d 9i77 yo2 in when yo2 got here.4

./hat abo2t Cory3 Isn=t he s2pposed to wor8 tonight34 .I cance77ed him. I cance77ed the bands I had sched27ed to p7ay this wee8end too. )ct2a77y I=ve been on the phone most o9 the a9ternoon it seems. ?h and @ete ca77ed. Be=s coming here tonight to start tearing down the drywa77 on the steps. That was another reason 6 Tammy has catering >obs this wee8end so she can=t wor8 either.4 ./e >2st t2rned into the a77ey. I g2ess I get to try o2t my new 8eys. I=77 see yo2 in a min2te.4 ) 9ew min2tes 7ater he sprinted 2p the steps and thro2gh the apartment door. .Tar34 he ye77ed down the ha77way. .Jitchen.4 .Bey yo2.4 Ryan h2gged and 8issed me. .)re yo2 o8ay34 Bis 9ingers dri9ted down my chee8. .1eah: >2st a bit o2t o9 sorts I g2ess.4 Be 8issed my 9orehead when I 7oo8ed down at his 9eet. .I=m sorry yo2 had a crappy day.4 Ryan h2gged me so tight7y it 8ind o9 h2rt. 0eep inside I was marve7ing that he act2a77y cared what 8ind o9 day I had. Be was the 9irst in my history o9 dating 9or that emotion. Be sni99ed the air. ./hat sme77s so good34 .@or8 chops34 I pointed a 9inger at the g7ass dish that I >2st too8 o2t o9 the oven. .@ete is on his wayC I 9ig2red I=d ma8e him some s2pper too: since Tammy is b2sy ba8ing 9or tomorrow.4 .Tar: what=s wrong3 I can te77 yo2=re sad.4 .I=m thin8ing abo2t Aary. I >2st have a 7ot on my mind.4 I set o2t three dinner p7ates on the 8itchen tab7e: trying to s2ppress the memory o9 my own mother=s 92nera7 by trying to 9ig2re o2t what acco2nt I was going to move money 9rom to cover @ete=s costs. Ryan 9i77ed three g7asses with ice and water. .0id @ete ca77 yo2 with an estimate today34 .1eah.4 .)nd34 Be so2nded pert2rbed. .Be said two grand 9or the materia7sC that didn=t inc72de his 7abor.4 .That=s not bad. I tho2ght it wo27d be more.4

(asy 9or him to say... I was trying to 9ig2re o2t how I was going to manage ta8ing a thirteen tho2sand do77ar hit this wee8end. I9 I p2t o99 the stairwe77 remode7: then I=77 on7y be down ten tho2sand in income: min2s having to pay 9or two bands that weren=t going to p7ay. It made me edgy to 7ose that m2ch income 9rom the bar. Ba77oween was one o9 my biggest cash nights. @ete was starving. .That was de7icio2s TarynE4 he comp7imented. Be scraped his p7ate with his 9or8. .I=ve 9orgotten what it=s 7i8e to eat home*coo8ed mea7s. Tammy on7y coo8s 9or other peop7e now.4 .It was de7icio2s. Than8s 9or coo8ing: Boney.4 Ryan smi7ed and gave me a <2ic8 8iss. Be p2t his dirty p7ate in the sin8 and rinsed it o99. .)re yo2 ready to tear down some drywa77: @ete34 ./hat3 1o2 he7ping34 .Be77 yeahE I=m hoping yo2 have an e;tra s7edge hammer Gca2se I have some pent*2p S2Danne aggression to get rid o9. ?h: and be9ore I 9orget...4 Ryan trotted bac8 to the bedroom and ret2rned with his chec8boo8. Be d2g in the >2n8 drawer 9or a pen. ./hat are yo2 doing34 I as8ed. ./riting @ete a chec8.4 .5or what34 .The renovations.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was missing the obvio2s. .!o: I can=t 7et yo2 do that:4 I stated direct7y. .-y b2i7dingH it=s my responsibi7ity.4 ./ho said anything abo2t yo2 paying 9or it3 I=m paying @ete.4 Be wrin87ed his nose at me. .!oE I can=t 7et yo2 do that:4 I stated 9irm7y. .I don=t rea77y care what yo2 say. I=m paying 9or the constr2ction and that=s that. (nd o9 disc2ssion:4 he said stern7y. @ete was smi7ing at him 9or some reason. .That=s way too m2ch: Ryan. !oE I can=t 7et yo2 pay 9or it.4 .Taryn: p7ease don=t arg2e with me.4 Be 7oo8ed bac8 at his chec8boo8 and contin2ed writing.

.@ete: I=d appreciate i9 yo2 wo27d contact the sec2rity company and get a separate system added to the new doors. I=d 7i8e a sensor p2t on the roo9 door as we77.4 .?8ay: wi77 do.4 I pres2med @ete co27d see the tension growing in the 8itchen. Be p277ed the 8eys 9rom his poc8et. .I=m going to go get my too7s. I=77 see yo2 downstairs.4 5r2stration coated with anger started to we77 2p inside me as I washed the dishes. Ryan stood behind me: p7acing his hands on the edge o9 the sin8 co2nter to 8eep me in p7ace. .I 8now yo2=re pissed at me:4 he whispered in my ear. . 2t i9 I wasn=t here with yo2 this 9i; wo27dn=t be happening. It=s beca2se o9 me that we=re doing this. )nd when I=m not here: I want to 8now that yo2=re sa9e. So p7ease try not to be mad at me 9or 7ong.4 Be n2DD7ed his 9ace ne;t to mine. . esides: I sti77 owe yo2 9or the choco7ate chip coo8ies.4 Be swept my hair to the side. .)nd the card yo2 got 9or my momH and a77 o9 the other st299 yo2 bo2ght 9or me.4 Be dri9ted his 7ips down my nec8. .)nd the ca8e I see yo2=re going to ba8e since a77 o9 the ingredients are 7aying o2t on the co2nter. I=m g2essing that=s 9or my mom34 Ryan wrapped his arms aro2nd me. .I ta8e care o9 yo2: yo2 ta8e care o9 me. That was the dea7 yo2 signed 7ast night.4 I 7eaned bac8 on him and t2rned my head to 7oo8 2p into his eyes. .I 7ove yo2:4 he said: so9t7y 8issing my 7ips be9ore departing 9or the door. )n ho2r had gone by and a9ter I too8 the ca8e o2t o9 the oven: I went to chec8 on the g2ys to see how m2ch progress they had made. The hammering had stopped so I pres2med they were 9inished with the demo7ition. I co27d not be7ieve how di99erent the view was 9rom the top 7anding with one o9 the stairwe77 wa77s removed. Sandwiched between the 7ayers o9 drywa77 was an o7d 7ayer o9 p7aster and thin strips o9 wood. I pic8ed at a 7oose piece o9 drywa77 that h2ng 9rom the corner: trying to even o2t the >agged 7ine they had made at the top o9 the 7anding. .Taryn amaDes me:4 I heard Ryan say. -y body became rigid a9ter hearing my name mentioned. I he7d my breath in my 72ngs so I wo27dn=t ma8e a so2nd. .I can=t be7ieve how obstinate she gets when I o99er to do anything nice 9or her. I bo2ght her earrings: b2t she re92ses to wear them. She said I spent too m2ch money. I g2ess I have to ta8e them bac8 to the >ewe7ry store.4 Ryan sighed. .I tho2ght it was genetica77y impossib7e 9or women to t2rn down >ewe7ry: b2t not her.4

.She=s one o9 a 8ind. 2t then again: I thin8 yo2 a7ready 8now that:4 @ete rep7ied. .I=ve never met anyone 7i8e her. 5irst gir7 I=ve gone o2t with that hasn=t wanted anything 9rom me. I=m not <2ite s2re how to react. Bas she a7ways been 7i8e this34 .1eah:4 @ete answered him. .)s 7ong as I=ve 8nown her: she=s a7ways been a giver: not a ta8er. Taryn has he7ped 2s o2t so many times over the yearsC that=s why I=m here whenever she needs me. I co27d do something nice 9or her every day and it wo27dn=t be eno2gh.4 @ete 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .I2st 7i8e tonight. I come here to try and do some wor8: pay her bac8 somehow: and yet she=s 2p there coo8ing dinner to ma8e s2re we=re ta8en care o9. )nd it=s not >2st me now * I=m ta78ing abo2t yo2 too. She=d go o2t o9 her mind i9 yo2 didn=t get a hot mea7 in yo2r stomach.4 .I want to ta8e care o9 her: be7ieve me. 2t she 9ights me when I try. I=m not s2re what to do.4 Ryan so2nded de9eated. .Bere:4 @ete said. I heard the hiss o9 a cap being twisted o99 a bott7e o9 beer. .I don=t 8now what to te77 ya: Ryan. She >2st needs to be 7oved. 1o2 8now: rea7 7ove. She was h2rt rea77y bad a 9ew months agoC I tho2ght she=d never 7et another man to2ch her again.4 ./hat do yo2 mean3 /hat happened34 .)hh: don=t say anything to Taryn: b2t she was dating this g2yH I co27dn=t stand him act2a77y:4 @ete admitted. .Be was an assho7e. I 2sed to thin8 she p2t 2p with his crap beca2se it too8 her mind o99 o9 dea7ing with the pain o9 7osing her pop... I don=t 8now. ./e a77 s2spected he was cheating on her: b2t when she=d con9ront him abo2t it he=d a7ways have an e;c2se. Then he=d t2rn it aro2nd on her: ma8ing her 9ee7 7i8e shit 9or even saying something. .I tho2ght she had >2st abo2t eno2gh o9 him: and then one day o2t o9 the b72e the son*o9*a*bitch has an epiphanyC te77s her he 7oves her and wants to marry her 6 even got her a piece o9 shit ring.4 .Then what happened34 Ryan whispered. I heard @ete c7ear his throat. Be had 7owered his voice to the point that it was a7most hard to hear him. .She went over to his apartment one a9ternoon and ca2ght him in bed screwing some gir7. That was that. She 9ina77y saw it with her own eyes. Too8 a77 that I had

within me not to go over there and cr2sh his 92c8ing s8277.4 .She said something abo2t some g2y and how one woman wasn=t eno2gh. !ow I 2nderstand. She never to7d me she was engaged tho2gh.4 .0oes it matter34 @ete <2estioned him. .!o. !ot one bit. I >2st don=t 8now why she didn=t mention it to me.4 ./e77: it=s pretty obvio2s to me. 1o2=re not >2st some guy: RyanE 1o2=ve got gir7s 7ining 2p a77 aro2nd the wor7d 9or yo2. 1o2 don=t thin8 something 7i8e that isn=t going to ma8e whatever gir7 yo2=re with a bit insec2re3 .Taryn is 2p there >2st hanging on by a thread: waiting 9or yo2 to bo7t the min2te yo2 9ind someone e7se. Te77 yo2 the tr2th: we=re a77 8ind o9 preparing 9or that day.4 .I can te77 yo2 that that isn=t gonna happen. That woman 2p there is mine. I=m never going to 7et her go. In my mind: there is no one e7se:4 Ryan dec7ared. I 9e7t a s7ight r2sh in my chest and gasped 9rom hearing him say that. ./e77: I hope what yo2 say is tr2e. I mean yo2=ve on7y 8nown her 9or a co2p7e o9 wee8s:4 @ete stressed: a hint o9 do2bt etched his voice. I heard a g7ass bott7e c7in8 on the co2nter. .1o2 want to 8now why she=s 9ighting yo234 @ete as8ed somewhat harsh7y. . eca2se she is smart eno2gh to 8now that the day wi77 come when yo2=re not here every day. 1o2=ve got more opport2nities than most men co27d ever dream o9 to meet women. 1o2 don=t even have to try to get 7aid * there=s a who7e se7ection waiting and wi77ing right o2t there on her sidewa78E .Taryn is an inte77igent: attractive woman. Let me te77 ya: she=s not witho2t opport2nities o9 her own. 1o2 sho27d see how many g2ys droo7 over her every day.4 .I 8now. I=ve seen p7enty o9 them hit on her:4 Ryan admitted. .1eah: they do. 2t she=s not 7i8e that 6 she never was. )nd when some dirt bag 9rom Seaport didn=t thin8 eno2gh o9 her not to cheat on her: what=s to say yo2 won=t do the same34 @ete as8ed. ./hen yo2=re o2t there doing yo2r thing and some hot mode7 c7imbs on yo2r 7ap and stic8s her tits in yo2r 9aceH yo2 gonna be ab7e to resist that3 .This is her 7i9e here: Ryan. This is her stabi7ity. It=s the on7y thing she can co2nt on in this wor7d. She str2gg7ed and s299ered 9or every bit o9 it. )nd yo2 come in here: ta8ing that

over. ./hen yo2 brea8 2p with her: every time she 7oo8s at that new wa77 or that new doorH .)h: >2st do 2s a77 a 9avor * i9 yo2 aren=t one h2ndred percent in 7ove with Taryn and ready to ma8e a 7i9e with her: then stop. 0on=t do what yo2=re doing. @7ease donLt h2rt her 7i8e that.4 .@ete: I don=t want to ta8e anything over or h2rt her:4 Ryan said somber7y. .I want to share everything I have with her. -y 7i9e: my moneyH I want her to be the mother o9 my chi7dren one day.4 I 97inched bac8 9rom the shoc8 o9 hearing his admission. I heard Ryan sigh 7o2d7y. .@ete: I 8now yo2 don=t 8now me that we77 b2t be7ieve me: I=m done with the meaning7ess shit. I=ve been craDy abo2t Taryn since the 9irstH4 Sin e the first what# I 7eaned c7oser to the wa77 to hear him. .B2h. I >2st rea7iDed something. She has been ta8ing care o9 me since the 9irst day that I met her. !ot even * 9rom the 9irst ten seconds o9 me setting 9oot in this p7ace. Jnowing Taryn: she probab7y never to7d yo2 the rea7 story o9 how we met. .She stopped the 9ans that were chasing me. She sh2t this who7e p7ace down 9or me: and here she isH doing it again. !o wonder she=s so sad today. I=m messing with her sa9ety net. ?h 92c8: how do I 9i; this34 .I don=t 8now:4 @ete m2ttered. .-arry her3 !ever 7eave her 9or some Bo77ywood s72t3 /hat 8ind o9 answer are yo2 7oo8ing 9or34 .@ete: I=m so in 7ove with her and I=ve to7d her that a7ready. I=ve never 9e7t this way be9ore: abo2t anyone. I 8now what I want. I want a 7i9e with her.4 .I 8now Ryan. I can te77 >2st by the way yo2 7oo8 at her.4 @ete sighed heavi7y. .?h: man: we77: >2st treat her right Gca2se I=d hate 7i8e he77 to have to brea8 that nice >aw o9 yo2rs i9 yo2 ever brea8 her heart.4

Chapter 20 * Insight

.I=77 be 9i7ming when yo2 pic8 my parents 2p: so I=77 ca77 yo2 when I get a brea8:4 Ryan said: r2bbing the shampoo in my hair. I 7eaned bac8 to rinse 2nder the water. .I tho2ght I=d ta8e them to 72nch near the setC there=s a rea77y nice resta2rant down by the pier.4 .I2st so yo2 8nowH my dad is going to insist on paying 9or 72nch. It wi77 o99end him i9 yo2 arg2e.4 Be 7oo8ed at me with a 8nowing smir8 on his 7ips. .Li8e 9ather: 7i8e son34 I as8ed >o8ing7y: r2bbing the soap b2bb7es on his chest. .(;act7yE 2t when we ta8e them to dinner tomorrow: he=77 pass the chec8 to me * >2st watch. Bey: do yo2 want to bring them to the set this a9ternoon instead3 I=d rea77y 7i8e yo2 to see what I do 9or a 7iving: since yo2 won=t watch any o9 my movies.4 .I don=t 8now:4 I m2rm2red. ./on=t that ca2se prob7ems with yo2*8now*who34 Ryan grimaced at me. .I don=t care. I want my gir79riend... my 7ove:4 he 7oo8ed me in the eyes: .to 8now what I do and where I go every day. I want yo2 to tr2st me. I need yo2 to tr2st me: Taryn.4 .)re yo2 s2re it won=t dist2rb yo2 or r2in yo2r per9ormance3 I don=t want to mmm*4 Bis wet mo2th was 7oc8ed on mine: stopping my words in mid stream. .@7ease.4 Be 8issed me again so9t7y: resting his 9orehead on mine. .I need yo2 to 2nderstand what I do. I need yo2 to see that when I=m on set: I=m an actor. That what I do is pretend. -y 7ips: my heart: and my bodyH they be7ong to yo2.4 I 7oo8ed 2p at him and nodded. )9ter eavesdropping on his conversation with @ete: I 8new he wanted me to tr2st him. .0o I have to ma8e a poster and scream Ryan: Ryan34 I 8idded. .BahE4 Be 7a2ghed. .The on7y time I want to hear yo2 scream my name is when I=m ma8ing 7ove to yo2. )7tho2gh yo2 did ca77 me Aod the other night. That=s acceptab7e: too.4 Be 7eaned down and gave me another 8iss.

I p2t on my nice dar8 tro2ser >eans: white 7ong s7eeved cotton top: with my brown s2ede Dip >ac8et and a so9t green scar9 wrapped aro2nd my nec8. I wanted to 7oo8 nice the 9irst time I met his parents: and I was nervo2s since I was meeting them a7one. /e had agreed that I wo27d bring his parents to see him in action tomorrow. Ryan showed me a pict2re o9 his mom and dad to he7p me recogniDe them easier: a7tho2gh I m2st admit it was hard to commit a pict2re 97ashed at me to memory. oth o9 his parents were in their 2pper 9i9ties in age: b2t sti77 7oo8ed <2ite vibrant and yo2th927. )t 7east I 8new that his poor parents wo27d be see8ing me o2t in the airport too. I was: o9 co2rse: photographed wa78ing down the sidewa78 to my car. I opted 9or 7eaving by the 9ront door since most o9 the paparaDDi were now 7oitering by my bac8 door. I a77owed my eyes to scan the area 9or any signs o9 the o7d b72e @7ymo2th: and I was re7ieved that her car was nowhere to be seen. There were: however: a 9ew 7ove notes st2c8 to my car. I co77ected them and shoved them into the center conso7e. I 8ept chec8ing my rear view mirror 9or any signs o9 photographers 9o77owing me as I drove to the airport. I was re7ieved that I didn=t see any. -y nerves were getting the better o9 me as I stood in the open entrance to the airportC my stomach was 9i77ed with b2tter97ies. 0ads were a7ways easier to win overC I 8new 9rom e;perience that it was a7ways the mothers that were the cha77enge. It was a7most ten thirty when a new stream o9 passengers started to pass by. Their 97ight 9rom !ewar8 act2a77y 7anded a 9ew min2tes ear7y. .Taryn34 ) 7ove7y woman po7ite7y approached me. Bis mother was >2st as I had pict2red. She was abo2t an inch shorter than me: 9ive*9ive*ish: thin b2t so9t7y padded by we77 earned years. She a7so had reddish brown hair that was 7ong and thic8 on the top b2t c2t short to her nec8. I recogniDed her instant7yC Ryan had his mother=s 9eat2res and most de9inite7y her eyes. .1esE -rs. ChristensenE It=s so nice to meet yo2E4 /e gave each other a h2g. .?h: it=s so nice to meet yo2 too: dearE @7ease: ca77 me (77en. This is Ryan=s 9ather: i77.4 I instinctive7y reached o2t my hand to sha8e his b2t he p277ed me in 9or an aw8ward h2g. .It=s so nice to meet yo2: sirE4 .It=s nice to 9ina77y meet yo2 too: yo2ng 7adyE4 i77 said with a h2ge grin on his 9ace.

Ryan=s 9ather was ta77: >2st 7i8e Ryan: b2t with another thirty or so po2nds o9 weight. I co27d see bits o9 his 9ather in Ryan too. i77=s 9ace was ro2nder and c7ean*shaven and he wore rectang27ar wire*rimmed g7asses. Ryan inherited his hair co7or 9rom his 9ather: a7tho2gh i77=s hair had tinges o9 gray ming7ed in it. I pict2red Ryan ta8ing on his 9ather=s 7oo8s one day. .So this m2st be the In9initi my son 8eeps te77ing me abo2t:4 i77 said 9rom the passenger seat. I smi7ed as he ran his 9ingers over the dash. .Ryan 7i8es to drive it: and to be honest: I rather en>oy it when he does. Be=s a great driver:4 I stated pro2d7y. ./e have his car in o2r garage bac8 home. It was the 9irst thing he bo2ght when he cashed in his 9irst big paychec8. Come to thin8 o9 it: that car is the on7y thing he bo2ght. I=m going to have to remind him that he can a99ord his own garage now. Then my car doesn=t have to sit in the driveway.4 .1o2 wi77 do no s2ch thing: i77:4 (77en reprimanded. .)t 7east we 8now that we can get him to come home every once and a whi7e: even i9 it is to visit his car.4 .?2r son te77s 2s that yo2=ve never seen any o9 his movies. Is that rea77y tr2e34 i77 pressed. .1es sir: it=s tr2e.4 I nodded my head. .I=ve never seen him act be9ore. Be wants 2s to come to the set tomorrow: so I s2ppose I=77 get to see him per9orm 9or the 9irst time then.4 (77en 7a2ghed o2t 7o2d. .I be7ieve yo2=re the on7y woman on the p7anet who hasn=t seen his movies.4 .To be honest: I thin8 it=s better that way:4 I >2sti9ied. Ryan=s ringtone began to p7ay on my ce77 phone. I 8new he was going to be on edge 2nti7 his parents were sa9e7y in my care. Bis behaviors were becoming so predictab7e. I drove down the coast to a nice resta2rant that >2tted o2t over the ocean. /e had a 7ove7y view o9 the )t7antic 9rom o2r window tab7e. Ryan=s parents were very nice and 9riend7y towards me. I had e;pected to be gri77ed with <2estions: b2t Ryan had apparent7y 9i77ed them in with a 7ot o9 detai7s so o2r conversation was more va7idation o9 the things they a7ready 8new. I to7d them abo2t attending rown University and my career goa7s at that time: and my c2rrent invo7vements with the vineyards and the p2b. Bis parents as8ed a 7ot o9 <2estions

abo2t the vineyard b2sinesses and the detai7s o9 co*ownership: and I was happy to te77 them what I 8new. Bis 9ather was 8een on 8nowing as m2ch as he co27d abo2t diversi9ying his ho7dings and investment opport2nities other than the standard retirement p7ans. /e had a 7ong conversation >2st on that s2b>ect a7one. It was apparent thro2gho2t the conversation that his 9ather was worried abo2t Ryan=s money and ma8ing s2re it was proper7y invested. I to7d them that I 9e7t Ryan was 7oo8ing to e;pand into other areas o9 opport2nity b2t I didn=t go into speci9ics. I certain7y didn=t want them to 8now how wi77ing he was to d2mp his money into re92rbishing the 8itchen in my p2b. The 7ast thing I wanted was 9or his parents to thin8 I was on7y a9ter their 9amo2s son=s money. I tried to inadvertent7y e;press how I was doing 9inancia77y so they wo27d be at ease 8nowing that I=m a smart b2sinesswoman a77 on my own and I have my own money in the ban8. They to7d me stories abo2t Ryan and how he 7i8ed to draw pict2res o9 ho2ses when he was yo2nger. Bis parents a7ways tho2ght that he=d become an architect one day. (ven when he was a chi7d: everything he drew or b2i7t had to be symmetrica7. 7oc8 b2i7dings: tin8er toys: Lego=s * everything was a7ways designed even7y. (77en reca77ed how Ryan=s mode7ing career started * she too8 Ryan to get his pict2re ta8en when he was three years o7d and the photographer s2ggested that she ta8e him to one o9 the 7oca7 mode7ing agencies. Soon a9ter that: Ryan was pict2red in nationa7 c7othing store 97iers mode7ing chi7dren=s c7othing. Bis pict2res were even 2sed in a 9ew parenting magaDines. She promised to show them to me one day. I=m s2re that wo27d embarrass Ryan to no end. It was 7ate in his high schoo7 years when he became active in the drama c72b. Bis mother said he was a nat2ra7 on the stage. I 7oved 7istening to her stories * to hear the pride in her voice when she spo8e o9 him. They a7so spo8e a 7ot abo2t their other son: !ic8: and his wi9e: Iane77e: and how they met at wor8 and 9e77 mad7y in 7ove. They had been married three years now and had their 9irst da2ghter: Sarah: a7most ten months ago. Bis parents were very easy to ta78 to: and I had the same 9ee7ing ta78ing to them as I did when I 9irst met Ryan.

I2st as Ryan had stated: his 9ather snatched 2p the resta2rant bi77 even be9ore the waitress set it on the tab7e. I he7d o2t my hand: 9or I rea77y did want to treat them to 72nch: b2t his 9ather waived 9or me to p2t my hand down and str2ng a 9ew no: no: no=s a7ong as he reached 9or his wa77et. I dropped it as to not o99end his 9ather. I too8 them 9or a brie9 drive aro2nd the area: showing them the on7y two spots where I 8new Ryan had 9i7med. I spared them the detai7s abo2t the two women who were arrested storming onto the movie set when they 9i7med on the beach. I 9ig2red they too had eno2gh to worry abo2t. I drove down my street: showing them the 9ront o9 my b2i7ding whi7e a7so secret7y assessing how many 9ans and paparaDDi were sta8ed o2t. I drove down the a77ey: despite having paparaDDi 72r8ing there as we77. Ryan=s 9ather <2ic87y 2n7oaded their 72ggage 9rom my tr2n8. I was s2rprised to see that his 9ather 8new the 7itt7e Ita7ian photographer. .Iimmy3 Iimmy @op3 )re yo2 sti77 chasing my son34 i77 as8ed. .?h: -r. Christensen: oiE4 Iimmy said in his thic8 accent: tossing his cigarette b2tt into the a77ey. .-rs. ChristensenE 1o2 7oo8 so 7ove7yE ?h: my: myE /hat a b7essed dayE Bow are yo234 ./e=re we77E /e=re here visiting o2r son. 1o2 g2ys aren=t bothering him too m2ch: are yo234 i77 teased. .?h: no: noE /e77: yo2 8now: it=s a >ob. I miss when yo2r boy wor8s in nice: warm p7aces. This co7d weather: it=s no good 9or my hands. ?h the pain:4 Iimmy said: r2bbing his arthritic 9ingers. /hi7e we stood there ta78ing to Iimmy: other photographers too8 o2r pict2re. Bis parents didn=t seem to be phased by it. .1o2r sonH he has a 7ove7y gir7 hereE Loo8: 7oo8: how prettyE ?h: ma8es my heart happyE4 Iimmy patted his chest. .She not 7i8e those others.4 Be waived a croo8ed 9inger in the air. .She=s very nice.4 .Than8 yo2: sir. That=s very 8ind.4 I smi7ed at him. .See3 She ca77 me sir. !o other one ca77 me sir. They a77 say GIimmy yo2 go away.= 4 I noticed how Iimmy=s pants seemed to be two siDes too big. The 9ront o9 his pants p2c8ered where his be7t cinched 2p the e;tra 9abric. Be was 7oo8ing ma7no2rished.

.Iimmy: are yo2 h2ngry3 I have a ha79 o9 a sandwich here that I didn=t to2ch. /o27d yo2 7i8e it34 I handed him the Styro9oam bo;. .1o2 give me 9ood34 Be 7oo8ed inside to see the other ha79 o9 my chic8en c72b wrap and a new bag o9 chips that I didn=t eat. I nodded my head. .1o2 p2t that in yo2r be77y. I=m going to ta8e Ryan=s parents in now. They=ve had a 7ong trip.4 . 7ess yo2: -iss Taryn. 7ess yo2E4 I <2ic87y moved my car to the 7ot and noticed the o7d: b72e @7ymo2th par8ed on the opposite corner o9 -27berry Street. )nge7ica was sitting in her car again. I2st seeing her: 8nowing that she was doing nothing with her 7i9e other than sta78ing 2s: sent a chi77 o9 9right down my spine. I h2rried down the a77ey to my bac8 door to 97ee psycho gir7=s view. .I=m sorry 9or the disarray: b2t I=m remode7ing. @7ease come in.4 I wa78ed them into the main bar area and t2rned on the dimmer 7ights. I t2rned the bi77iard room 7ight on too so they co27d see the entire p2b. i77 wa78ed over to the poo7 tab7e. .So this is where it happened34 Be tapped his 9ingers on the 9e7t: 7oo8ing at me 9or con9irmation. -y chee8s s2dden7y became 972shed and a wave o9 panic co2rsed thro2gh my chest. Bow m2ch did Ryan share with his 9ather3 0id he te77 his dad abo2t ripping my panties o99 and bending me over the poo7 tab7e3 i77 was standing in a7most the same e;act spot. I 7oo8ed at him 7i8e a deer ca2ght in head7ights. ./here he met yo234 his 9ather contin2ed. -h, than" (od% .1esE4 I breathed o2t. .Be came thro2gh that door andH4 I opened my hands. .Ryan to7d 2s how the gir7s were chasing him:4 (77en added. She 8new I was 8eeping the detai7s o2t. .Spea8ing o9 gir7sH4 I wa78ed over to my 9ront door and retrieved today=s pi7e o9 7ove 7etters. There were at 7east thirty today. .1o2 get a 7ot o9 mai7:4 (77en commented. .It=s not my mai7. These are a77 9or yo2r son. Bis admirers have started to 7eave their 7ove notes in my mai7 s7ot. They cover my car with 7etters too. These gir7s m2st thin8 he has a rea7 open*minded gir79riend or something.4

.Let me see: p7ease.4 i77 reached 9or a samp7e. I wi77ing7y handed him the pi7e. Be tore one o9 the enve7opes open. This one happened to have a pict2re o9 a na8ed gir7 in it. I co27d te77 by the way his eyes b2gged o2t in his 9ace. .They 8now no bo2ndaries:4 I m2ttered. .) 9ew days ago I ca2ght two o9 them trying to brea8 into my apartment to see him.4 .(77en: it=s getting worse. /e have to ta78 to him.4 Bis 9ather was very disp7eased with whatever he saw in the ne;t 9ew enve7opes. I he7ped carry their 72ggage 2pstairs to my apartment. i77 and (77en appeared amaDed when they saw the 7ove7y conditions their son was 7iving in. They showered me with comp7iments. I had spent e;tra time c7eaning and preparing 9or their arriva7 7ast night to ma8e s2re they wo27d be p7eased. .Can I interest yo2 in a g7ass o9 wine 9rom one o9 o2r wineries34 I too8 them into the 8itchen. Bis mother=s eyes 7it 2p and a h2ge smi7e appeared on her 9ace as she entered. I did have a coo7 8itchen. .Taryn: this is magni9icentE i77: 7oo8 at this stove. I want this stove:4 she insisted. I p277ed o2t a new bott7e o9 Chab7is and 2ncor8ed it. I was in the mood 9or white wine. I2st then I heard Ryan r2n 2p the steps. Ryan dropped his 8eys o99 on the entry tab7e by the door and he had a bo; 2nder his arm when he came into the 8itchen. Be h2gged his 9ather 9irst since he was sti77 standing. Bis mom stood 2p 9rom the tab7e and gave her son a big s<2eeDe and a 8iss. .?h: it=s so good to see yo2:4 Bis mother g2shed: roc8ing him bac8 and 9orth where he stood. It was s2ch a heart*warming re2nion. )s soon as she re7eased him: Ryan came over to me and p277ed me in 9or a nice: respect927 he77o 8iss. .Bi Boney. Bow=s everyone doing34 Be 7oo8ed aro2nd at a77 o9 2s to ma8e s2re we were getting a7ong. Bis mother to7d him abo2t the nice resta2rant where we had 72nch and how she en>oyed the view o9 the ocean. I po2red 9o2r g7asses o9 wine and handed them o2t. .Taryn: this is de7icio2s:4 his 9ather commented: swir7ing the wine aro2nd in his g7ass. .Bere: chec8 these o2t.4 Ryan handed the bo; over to me. Inside were a77 di99erent sty7es o9 s2ng7asses. .Some s2ng7ass company wants me to wear their shades. They sent a

who7e bo; 9or me and my 7ady.4 I ro77ed my eyes at him. .5or rea7E Loo8 at the 7etter. SeeE G-r. Christensen: we are honored to provide yo2 with o2r 5a77 co77ection o9 S2n Iammer (yewear. /e have provided yo2 with sty7es to s2it men as we77 as a se7ection o9 women=s eyewear 9or yo2r 9avorite 7ady.= See3 5avorite 7ady right there in b7ac8 type.4 Be po8ed me in the be77y on his way to the pantry. Ryan opened the door and removed the bag o9 choco7ate chip coo8ies. .?h no: yo2 have her 9eeding yo2r 9i; now34 (77en sco7ded. /e too8 his parents on a to2r o9 the apartment and we p2t o2r coats bac8 on to visit the roo9 patio. i77 and (77en appeared speech7ess 6 2p 2nti7 the point that (77en stated she wanted to re*do their entire bac8yard to 7oo8 7i8e my roo9. I 8new Ryan was starvingC he was starting to pic8 at anything he co27d readi7y shove in his mo2th when we ret2rned to the 8itchen. I t2rned the oven on and p277ed o2t the ingredients I had set aside to ma8e Chic8en Cordon 7e2. I po2nded the chic8en breasts 97at whi7e Ryan too8 down a 9ew 7ayers o9 the s7iced cheese. Be was too h2ngry to be o9 any 2se. .So what do yo2 say: Son3 /ant to 7ose to yo2r o7d man in a game o9 poo734 Bis 9ather gave him a n2dge. /hi7e the men p7ayed downstairs: I prepared dinner. Bis mother watched over what I was doing. .I never tho2ght to p2t that in with the bread cr2mbs:4 she stated. She he7ped coat the ro77ed chic8en and was amaDed by my deviations 9rom the norma7 recipe. I 7i8ed to be creative when I coo8ed. Later that evening: we gathered at the ova7 wooden dining tab7e that was o99 to the side o9 my main 7iving room. I hadn=t sat at that tab7e 9or a mea7 in a very 7ong time. It 9e7t nice to eat as a 9ami7y again. .Taryn: this is 9ab27o2s:4 (77en comp7imented. Ryan 8ic8ed his 9oot into mine 2nder the tab7e and win8ed at me. .I to7d yo2 she was ta8ing e;ce77ent care o9 meE4 Be grinned. .So are yo2 two going to te77 2s where we are going this wee8end or are yo2 going to 8eep yo2r mother and me in s2spense34 Ryan 7oo8ed at me and smir8ed. .Sho27d we te77 them or ma8e them s299er 7i8e yo2

made me s299er that day34 I stabbed a 9ew green beans on my p7ate. .I thin8 we sho27d te77 them.4 ./e are ta8ing yo2 to Taryn=s 9ami7y cabin at the 7a8e: where we are going 9ishing.4 he motioned to his 9ather with his 9ingers. .)nd yo2 two 7adies can go shopping ti77 yo2r 9eet 9a77 o99.4 ?2r evening with his parents s7ow7y came to a c7ose. Ryan had to be bac8 on set ear7y in the morning and his parents were tired 9rom their 97ight. I <2ic87y s7ipped into my bedroom to get my pi77ow and carried it o2t to the 7iving room. Ryan 7oo8ed at me in 2tter con92sion. Be pic8ed my pi77ow 2p and started to carry it away. .Boney: I tho2ght we were going to bed34 Be yawned. .!o:4 I whispered. .@7ease 7eave it here. I=m going to s7eep o2t here on the co2ch.4 ./hy34 he as8ed: comp7ete7y perp7e;ed. .1o2r parents:4 I whispered again. ./hat abo2t my parents34 .?2t o9 respectE4 I <2iet7y stated the obvio2s. ./hat are yo2 ta78ing abo2t34 I wished he wo27d 8eep his voice down. .Ryan: I=m not going to s7eep with yo2 in 9ront o9 them:4 I whispered. .)re yo2 8idding me34 I2st as he spo8e his mother stepped 2p behind him. ./hat are yo2 two whispering abo2t34 she as8ed. .I=m not <2ite s2re: -om. 5or some reason Taryn thin8s she has to s7eep on the co2ch.4 I was thoro2gh7y embarrassed now and had to e;p7ain myse79. .I don=t want to disrespect yo2: that=s a77. It=s 9ine:4 I po7ite7y in9ormed. .I don=t mind s7eeping o2t here.4 I tried to yan8 my pi77ow o2t o9 Ryan=s hand b2t he wo27dn=t 7et it go. (77en 7oo8ed con92sed and then I saw the 7ight o9 2nderstanding t2rn on above her head. .?h: sweetie: that=s not necessary.4 She wa78ed over to me and gave me a big h2g. .I appreciate yo2r consideration: b2t i77 and I are not that o7d*9ashioned.4 She gent7y 7a2ghed in my ear. .This is yo2r home.4

(77en to2ched Ryan=s chee8 whi7e she was roc8ing me. .1o2 stay with Ryan in yo2r room:4 she said tender7y. .?h how I wo27d have 7oved to have met yo2r parentsE4 She 8issed me on the chee8. ./hy did yo2 thin8 yo2 had to s7eep o2t on the co2ch34 Ryan as8ed private7y in o2r bedroom. Be p277ed o2r com9orter 2p over my sho27der. I shr2gged: s7ight7y se79*conscio2s. .I >2st don=t want yo2r parents to have the wrong impression o9 me: that=s a77. I wasn=t raised that way.4 .?h: yo2 don=t have to worry abo2t thatE 1o2=ve a7ready made a good impression on my parents today:4 Ryan whispered: inching his way down the bed 2nti7 o2r eyes were 7eve7. .-y dad ta78ed my ear o99 when we p7ayed poo7. Be was ramb7ing on abo2t how inte77igent yo2 are and how I co27d 7earn a thing or two abo2t money management 9rom yo2.4 .I=m g7ad they 7i8e meC re7ieved act2a77y. It=s very important that they approve.4 I shi9ted to be c7oser to him: gent7y r2bbing his nec8 whi7e we ta78ed. .?h: they approve a77 rightE 1o2=ve won them over: that=s 9or s2re.4 Be br2shed my hair bac8. .0o yo2 have any idea how m2ch I 7ove yo234 .!o:4 I whispered: egging him on. .Bow m2ch34 .Let me show yo2:4 he whispered. Be so9t7y 8issed my 7ips: once: twice: be9ore his wet mo2th moved with mine.

I was 2p and o2t o9 bed be9ore everyone e7se so I co27d spend some e;tra time showering and getting ready. I was a7ready nervo2s and s7ight7y >ittery thin8ing abo2t going on my 9irst ma>or motion pict2re movie set. !ever in my wi7dest dreams did I ever thin8 abo2t doing what I wo27d be doing today. .)re yo2 e;cited34 Ryan as8ed: p277ing my heart nec87ace o2t 9rom behind my shirt whi7e we waited by the bac8 door. .!ervo2s.4 I ha79*smi7ed. -y stomach was in 8nots. It was sti77 dar8 o2tside when o2r car arrived. It was too ear7y 9or the paparaDDi to be 2p. Ryan=s day 2s2a77y started be9ore the s2n came 2p. I was re7ieved 8nowing that his parents wo27d be with me thro2gho2t this e;perience. /e brie97y pa2sed at the sec2rity gate and then proceeded to drive 92rther onto the 7ot.

The 7imo wove thro2gh severa7 rows o9 trai7ers and other tr2c8s be9ore stopping by a 7ong: white trai7er. .Bere: yo2=77 need these.4 Ryan handed 2s badges on 7ong cotton cords to identi9y that we were permitted on set. Be had his b72e papers ro77ed 2p in his hand. .I have to go to ma8e2p and get my 9ace done. Tar: come with me.4 Ryan too8 me by the hand. .-om: 0adH I=77 see yo2 over there.4 Be pointed to the direction o9 where he=d be 9i7ming. Bis bodyg2ard -i8e and another man escorted 2s to a 7ong trai7er. Inside were severa7 bea2tician chairs and a comp7ete ma8e2p co2nter with mirrors. The second we were thro2gh the door: severa7 peop7e started to attend to Ryan. Be had bare7y a moment to introd2ce me to the specia7 e99ects ma8e2p team. The peop7e I met were po7ite: b2t they had a >ob to do and 7itt7e time to do it. (veryone was in a r2sh. 5irst Ryan had to change into his wardrobeC he had to wear dar8 pants and a white b2tton down cotton shirt that was pre*spec87ed with what 7oo8ed 7i8e b7ood. Then he was covered in a cotton shaw7 and severa7 ma8e2p artists went right to wor8 on him. Be >2st sat there whi7e they covered him in creams and pigments: 2sing sponges and br2shes and a77 sorts o9 items I had never seen be9ore. The one ma8e2p artist: an o7der )sian 7ady wearing red: thic8*rimmed g7asses with her 7ong ebony hair p277ed bac8 into a ponytai7: started br2shing p2rp7e pigment be7ow Ryan=s 7e9t eye. y the time they were done with him: he 7oo8ed 7i8e he was on the 7osing end o9 a 9ist9ight: down to the dried 9a8e b7ood coming o2t o9 his nostri7. Be smi7ed and win8ed at me. .I 7oo8 pretty ro2gh: h2h34 (ven tho2gh I >2st watched them trans9orm him into this b7oodied mess: I a7most wanted to cry seeing him 7oo8ing so beat 2p. Instead: I smi7ed and nodded in agreement. .@ete said he=d do this to my 9ace i9 I ever bro8e yo2r heart. A2ess I better not do that then.4 I was g7ad to 8now that he was tota77y 2naware o9 my eavesdropping d2ring his conversation with @ete. I ro77ed my eyes at his comment: pretending to have heard it 9or the 9irst time.

)nother ma7e assistant was chattering bac8 and 9orth over a hand*he7d radio. .Ryan: they=re ready 9or yo2 over on set nine.4 -oments 7ater: we were whis8ed away on the bac8 o9 an ordinary go79 cart: his bodyg2ard -i8e d2ti9277y by his side. ?nce we stopped: Ryan <2ic87y spo8e into my ear. .1o2=re going to see some st2nts today and: at the end o9 this scene I have toH 8issH4 Bis 9ace twisted in disg2st. .Ber.4 /e wa78ed onto the setC I had to b7in8 severa7 times to rea7iDe that this ornate cast7e ha77 was act2a77y b2i7t inside an ordinary wareho2se. .Ia8e: p7ease send someone 9or my parents. I want them here with Taryn:4 Ryan re<2ested. .1o2 sho27d be o8ay here. !o hec87ingE4 Be 8issed my 9orehead be9ore r2shing away. I was hiding o99 to the side o9 the one wa77: trying to stay o2t o9 the way. Thic8 b7ac8 e7ectrica7 cords twisted and twined a77 over the 97oors. There were bright 7ights: sca99o7ding: and a77 8inds o9 gadgets everywhere. I was petri9ied that I might accidenta77y b2mp something e;pensive or someone important. @eop7e were h2st7ing a77 aro2nd me. Some were wearing headphones or carrying a piece o9 technica7 e<2ipment. C7ipboards: cameras: 7ighting ad>2stments: it was 7i8e random chaos a77 aro2nd. I 9e7t a hand to2ch my bac8 and rea7iDed that Ryan=s mom was ne;t to me now. .?verwhe7ming: isn=t it34 she as8ed. I was in a daDe watching it a77 2n9o7d aro2nd me. ) woman wearing headphones aro2nd her nec8 approached 2s. .BiE /e7comeE 1o2 may want to move over there to get a better view. Come with me.4 I 7oo8ed aro2nd 9or RyanC he was standing with severa7 men and they were a77 moving their arms in the air: 7i8e they were disc2ssing how Ryan sho27d throw his p2nch. It appeared to be a rehearsa7 be9ore they 9i7med the scene. )n o7der man: who was short: a7most ba7d: wearing headphones aro2nd his nec8 and carrying some device that 7oo8ed 7i8e a sma77 te7escope stepped over to ta78 to Ryan. .That=s the director:4 his dad said. Ryan spent a good amo2nt o9 time nodding and disc2ssing how he was s2pposed to move. .I thin8 that g2y to Ryan=s 7e9t is the st2nt coordinator.4

I was g7ad his 9ather was standing behind me e;p7aining things. I had no idea who any o9 these peop7e were. I heard someone ye77 .<2iet on the set.4 I tried not to breathe. I watched a man ho7d the c7apper board o2t in 9ront o9 the camera. Ryan too8 his position in the 9a8e room. I co27d see his image on three sma77 video screens near the director. .Ro77ing:4 someone e7se ye77ed. .)ction:4 the director ca77ed o2t. Ryan too8 a 9ew steps and then was attac8ed by a man in a c7oa8. Ryan threw a right hoo8 and a cord p277ed the man he p2nched bac8 onto a pi7e o9 9oam. Was that it# (veryone was ming7ing aro2nd on the set again. I 7oo8ed at his 9ather. .0id they >2st 9i7m that34 i77 smi7ed at me. .I thin8 so.4 Ryan had to get bac8 into position and then he 9o2ght the same man again. It too8 them a7most an ho2r to 9i7m this one partic27ar scene. They shot it 9rom so many di99erent ang7es. The on7y time I 8new when they weren=t 9i7ming was when the ma8e2p artist was to2ching 2p his 9ace. I was constant7y wondering how everyone 8new what was going on. (ither yo2 had a >ob where yo2 had to r2n aro2nd and scramb7e or yo2r >ob was to stand aro2nd and 7oo8 important. .Bey gir7E I heard yo2 were here.4 Jat gave me a h2g. .Bey JatE ?h: it=s good to see yo2E4 I was re7ieved to see another 9ami7iar 9ace in this chaos. .Bi (77en: i77E Bere to see yo2r boy in action: h2h3 /hat=s he doing now34 Jat 7oo8ed aro2nd to see where Ryan was. .?h: great. -a8e way 9or the <2een.4 I saw S2Danne wa78 thro2gh another entrance. ?9 co2rse she g7anced over to see that I was standing there. Ber eyes opened wider once she saw me. .1o2=re going to be coo7 with this: right34 Jat b2mped my arm. .Be has to: 2m: 8iss her now. 128E 1o2 don=t have to 7oo8 i9 yo2 thin8 it might bother yo2.4 In rea7ity I wanted to see this. I needed to have this e;perience o9 seeing himH act. .I=77 be a77 right:4 I m2rm2red.

S2Danne seemed 2n9aDed that I was thereC act2a77y she seemed to be in a good mood. She was 7a2ghing and sort o9 carrying on with Ryan. Be 7a2ghed too at whatever she said. It was a re7ie9 to 8now that their re7ationship wasn=t tota77y r2ined beca2se o9 me. )9ter what seemed to be an e;traordinary 7ong time they 9ina77y got into their positions to 9i7m the scene. Ryan=s eyes 7oc8ed on mine 9or a momentC it was 7i8e he was trying to send me a message te7epathica77y. I 8new what was coming ne;t. I was too 9ar away to hear the dia7og2e that they e;changed: b2t the scene invo7ved Ryan to sti77 appear br2ised and b7oodied. Be grabbed the 2pper part o9 her arms and they seemed to 9ight each other. She wasn=t s2pposed to 7i8e the grip he had on her. She reached 2p to s7ap him in the 9ace and he grabbed her by the wrist. I remembered when we p7ayed poo7 that very 9irst dayC how I tried to teasing7y n2dge him and he ca2ght me the same way in mid air aro2nd my wrist. /ith his other hand he grabbed her aro2nd the bac8 o9 her nec8 and 9orce9277y p277ed her in 9or a 8iss. )9ter a brie9 second o9 her 9ighting it: she s2rrendered to his 7ips. I too8 a deep breath thro2gh my nose whi7e he 8issed her. It was harder than I tho2ght it wo27d be to see the man I was in 7ove with 8iss another woman. I 8new it was pretend b2t the b2rn o9 >ea7o2sy sti77 p27sed thro2gh me. I 2nconscio2s7y c2r7ed my 9ingers into 9ists by my sidesC my 9ingernai7s d2g into my pa7ms. Bis mother p7aced her hand on my sho27der as reass2rance that it was going to be a77 right. /hen I co27dn=t ta8e it anymore: I 7oo8ed down to the gro2nd then t2rned my gaDe to the opposite wa77. Something str2c8 me as odd 6 why is that man over there ta8ing pict2res o9 Ryan 8issing S2Danne3 Be didn=t 2se a 97ash on his camera. .Bow are yo2 doing34 Jat whispered to me. I co27d hear the tension and concern in her tone. S2Danne rea77y p7ayed it 2pC my presence was enco2raging her ?scar*worthy per9ormance 9or s2re. .I want to pee7 her o99 o9 him and set her on 9ire: b2t I=77 get thro2gh it.4 The director ye77ed: .C2t.4 Jat 7a2ghed: am2sed by my comment. .It wi77 get easier with time. 1o2 at 7east have the satis9action o9 8nowing that he=s hating this part o9 his >ob.4 .Is he rea77y34 I wasn=t so s2re by the 7oo8s o9 it.

.See: (77enE Taryn wants to crac8 S2Danne in ha79. This gir7 is de9inite7y in 7ove with yo2r son.4 Jat wist9277y danced in p7ace. .I don=t want to crac8 anyone:4 I <2ic87y rep7ied. I didn=t want his parents to thin8 I was obsessive or contro77ing. Their 8issing scene had ha7ted and the director was ta78ing to both o9 them. They nodded at him as he gave his direction. )pparent7y they had to do it again. I watched as they ran thro2gh their dia7og2e again: he had her by the arms again: and once again he grabbed her by the bac8 o9 the nec8. This time she 9o2ght him a 7itt7e 7onger be9ore s2rrendering. The second time wasn=t as bad as the 9irst: a7tho2gh it sti77 bothered me to see him 8issing someone e7se. -y mind scanned over a77 the vario2s movies I had seen in my 7i9etime and a77 the 8isses that were e;changed on 9i7m. )77 those 8isses had to 7oo8 be7ievab7e to se77 the 9ee7 o9 the movie. I tho2ght abo2t one o9 my 9avorite actors and how he had to 8iss the actress in one o9 his movies. 2t yet at night he went home to his 7ove7y wi9e and their chi7dren. I an do this: I to7d myse79. )is lips belong to me / he even told me so% Its !ust pretend4 Im his / hes mine. I was in mid disc2ssion with Jat and his parents abo2t some o9 the bac8gro2nd story to this movie when Ryan s7ipped his hands aro2nd my waist. I wasn=t e;pecting it: so I >2mped s7ight7y 9rom his to2ch. ./hat did yo2 thin834 he whispered in my ear. .I thin8 yo2 7oo8ed pretty to2gh 9ighting that g2y. I tho2ght yo2 act2a77y p2nched himE It 7oo8ed rea7 9rom this ang7e.4 I gigg7ed as he he7d his hands to my stomach. .That=s movie magicE4 he snic8ered. .I thin8 yo2 have a coo7 >ob:4 I m2rm2red bac8 to him. .)nd what abo2t the other part34 Ryan as8ed tentative7y. Be whispered his words on my nec8. I 8new what he was re9erring to 6 8issing theH S2Danne. .5irst time was very di99ic27t b2t the second: 2m: ta8e3 That was s7ight7y easier. She seemed to p2t more e99ort into it tho2gh: probab7y beca2se I=m here.4 .I have to agree. Ber per9ormance was de9inite7y 9or yo2r bene9it:4 he said. .-aybe yo2 sho27d be here every day3 0id yo2 see how nice she was to me34

/e too8 a wa78 aro2nd the area and Ryan showed 2s his trai7er. It was rea77y nice insideC 7i8e a mini apartment on whee7s. Be made s2re to show me the 7arge bed in the bac8 where he naps sometimes when he isn=t needed on set. The bedroom in his trai7er had a 7arge te7evision b2i7t into the wa77 and his re9rigerator was stoc8ed with his 9avorite soda. I was in Ryan=s trai7er when Tammy ca77ed. .Taryn: my brother ca77ed me. Be has some in9ormation on that gir7. 1o2 may want to go to the po7ice. Taryn: she=s not we77.4 Ryan was watching meC his eyebrows were p277ed together in con92sion: trying to 9ig2re o2t my conversation. .Can yo2 be more speci9ic:4 I as8ed her. .1o2 have to rea7iDe that Tony isn=t s2pposed to do this 8ind o9 st299. 1o2 can=t te77 anyone: especia77y when yo2 ta78 to the po7ice: o8ay34 I had a 7ot o9 <2estions I wanted to as8 her: b2t since I had an a2dience I had to be cryptic. I was instant7y concerned when she said that. .I 2nderstand. @7easeH go on.4 .I=m going to read yo2 the report he gave me. )nge7ica Sta2nton: age %1: 9ormer addresses are ridgeport: !I: roo87yn: !1: and there=s one address on her in Los )nge7es. She=s been arrested three timesC once 9or prostit2tion in !ew 1or8 and twice 9or other o99enses in Ca7i9ornia. Taryn: ten years ago she had a restraining order p2t o2t on her. /hen she was in L.). she was acc2sed o9 sta78ing another ce7ebrity. Ber second was 9or a vio7ation o9 a co2rt order. Ber third arrest was 9or brea8ing and entering 6 she was 9o2nd at three in the morning: bathing na8ed in the swimming poo7 at the ce7ebrity=s home. I can=t te77 yo2 the ce7ebrity=s name beca2se Tony wo27dn=t give that to me.4 I too8 a deep breath thro2gh my nose and s<2eeDed my eyes sh2t. This gir7 was now sta78ing my boy9riend. I stepped into the bedroom area o9 Ryan=s trai7er. .Bas she ever done physica7 harm34 I whispered. .There=s nothing in the report other than her ma8ing threats: b2t she=s de9inite7y a sta78er. I wo27dn=t ta8e my chances.4 .Than8s: Tammy. I owe yo2 one.4 ./hat=s going on34 Ryan as8ed in<2isitive7y.

.!othing.4 I ha79*hearti7y smi7ed. .I=77 te77 yo2 7ater.4 I ran my 9inger down my nose so he wo27d 8now I was 7ying. )9ter 72nch we drove to another 7ocation o99site. Ryan had his 9ace to2ched 2pC more p2rp7e pigment was added 2nder his eye. Be to7d me that the entire movie was shot o2t o9 se<2ence. Be e;p7ained to me why they did that. I never 8new that movies were 9i7med that way. I a7ways tho2ght that they were 9i7med as the movie progressed: >2st 7i8e a stage p7ay. /e drove to an ordinary ho2se by the beach: which wo27d be his ne;t 7ocation 9or 9i7ming. )s we drove down the street: we were in2ndated with scores o9 9ema7e 9ans o9 a77 ages: shapes: and siDes: a77 screaming 9or their 9avorite actor. /e were 2shered inside <2ic87y. Ryan waited behind. The min2te he stepped o2t o9 the car: the 9ans screamed. I watched him 9rom the doorwayC his bodyg2ards shie7ded him as they moved him 9rom the car to the ho2se. Ryan bare7y ac8now7edged the crowd. Somehow the paparaDDi 8new where to 9ind him and we were a77 photographed e;iting the 7imo: b2t the cameras c7ic8ed do2b7e*time when he was in view. -y 7ove was constant7y 2nder the microscope. Ryan had some pretty intense 7ines that he had to say in the scenes that were 9i7med in the ho2se. (ach o9 his 7ines was e;pert7y de7ivered. 5or the 9irst time since I met him: he was di99erent. Be wasn=t Ryan * he was Char7es. Be tr27y amaDed me. I co27d see why his 9ans adored him. 2t despite his pro9essiona7 demeanor and his s2perb acting s8i77s: I adored him 9or di99erent reasons. I was act2a77y tired 9rom spending an entire day in his wor7d. I thin8 it was a77 the standing aro2nd and doing nothing b2t watching that tired me o2t. I was 2sed to r2nning aro2nd and 8eeping active to do my >obC his wor8 was more menta77y tiring than anything. I grinned at him as he >o8ed with the crew. (ven tho2gh it was serio2s b2siness to 9i7m: everyone was having 92n and being very s2pportive. ?n o2r way home down -27berry Street I spotted her: )nge7ica: sitting in her b72e @7ymo2th across the street 9rom the par8ing 7ot where I par8 my car. I 2nconscio2s7y gripped Ryan=s arm and gasped. ./hat34 Be 7oo8ed to see my e;pression o9 terror. .Tar: Boney34 .!othing. I=77 te77 yo2 7ater.4 Instinctive7y I s72mped down in the seat to get my head be7ow window 7eve7.

@ete was sti77 inside the p2b 8itchen: hammering away. The o7d co2nter was gone and he had the new wa77 partia77y b2i7t a7ready. I was shoc8ed to see how 9ar he had gotten. Ryan and his parents started ta78ing with @ete abo2t constr2ction st299C I was a 7itt7e distra2ght so I headed 2pstairs. It didn=t ta8e me 7ong to craw7 onto the bed. .Tar: are yo2 tired34 Ryan as8ed: 9inding me in the bedroom. Be shoved his pi77ow 2nder his arm. .So what was that a77 abo2t in the car ear7ier3 /hy did yo2 grab my arm 7i8e that34 She was sitting in her 9rea8ing car again:4 I m2ttered into my pi77ow. ./ho3 /hat are yo2 ta78ing abo2t34 .)nge7. ?r )nge7ica Sta2nton as she=s rea77y 8nown.4 I 7oo8ed at him with 9ear in my eyes. .C2r7y*haired: gap*toothed gir73 I thin8 she=s been 9o77owing yo2H and me. She 9o77owed me to Cost-art the other day. She was in the bar that day yo2 signed a2tographs: and now once again she=s >2st sitting in her car on -27berry Street. Boney: she scares the he77 o2t o9 me.4 Two seconds 7ater he p277ed his phone o2t and made a ca77. .-y manager says we sho27d go to the po7ice and 9i7e a comp7aint.4 Ryan sat bac8 down on the bed. .Taryn: I=m not mad: b2t yo2 have to promise me that yo2=77 te77 me immediate7y i9 anyone is 9o77owing yo2 or scaring yo2. 1o2 8now that these gir7s areH we77 * yo2 8now. I2st promise yo2=77 te77 me right away:4 he insisted. I nodded. .I promise.4

Ryan 7oo8ed handsome in his b7ac8 pants and white b2tton down shirt. I p2t on my new b7ac8 coc8tai7 dress and ad>2sted the empire waist satin sash. Be too8 the 7itt7e b7ac8 bo; o99 o9 my dresser and he7d it open: reminding me o9 the diamond earrings I=d been avoiding. .@7ease. B2mor me:4 he insisted. I hesitated and too8 a deep breath. I was ho7ding the twined hearts pendant in my 9ingers as it rested on my nec8. .I=m not ta8ing them bac8: so yo2 might as we77 wear themE4 Be p2t the bo; in my hand. .Listen: they are a gi9t: 9rom my heart to yo2. 1o2 do nice and tho2ght927 things 9or

meC I do nice and tho2ght927 things 9or yo2. (<2a7 partners:4 he stressed. I co27dn=t arg2e: even tho2gh I 9e7t aw8ward 9or accepting them. The resta2rant was very accommodating: even b7oc8ing o99 an entire room 9or 2s to dine in private. Severa7 c2stomers gasped when Ryan wa78ed thro2gh the main dining area: and I noticed it was the 7adies who immediate7y recogniDed him. -i8e and o2r driver: who was a7so a bodyg2ard: b7oc8ed the entrance to o2r section o9 the resta2rant so no one wo27d bother 2s d2ring o2r dinner. .-om.4 Ryan raised his g7ass to o99er a toast. .To the best mother in the wor7dE Bappy irthdayE4 Be 7eaned over to her and gave her a h2g and 8iss. ./e have gi9ts 9or yo2: b2t I tho2ght it best to save those 2nti7 7ater when yo2 can open them in private.4 Be 7oo8ed aro2nd the resta2rant. I 8new that peop7e were watchingC any o9 them capab7e o9 reporting the detai7s o9 o2r evening to the tab7oids. I was catching on to Ryan=s hesitations and reasons behind each o9 his actions. /e co27d not he7p b2t be paranoid. .Taryn made yo2 a birthday ca8e. )9ter dinner we=77 go bac8 to o2r p7ace.4 ) wave o9 e7ation s2rged thro2gh me when he said Go2r p7ace= to his parents. .I hope yo2 7i8e choco7ate:4 I said in happy response. /e were abo2t an ho2r into o2r dinner when a new wave o9 9ema7e patrons entered the resta2rant. /e co27d hear their gigg7ing and commotion in o2r private room. .A2ess the word=s o2t.4 Ryan smir8ed. I co27dn=t te77 i9 he was bothered by it or in some way 7i8ed the attention. .That=s something yo2r mother and I wanted to ta78 to yo2 abo2t: Son. /e=re very concerned abo2t a77 these 9ans and their behavior.4 Ryan opened his mo2th to spea8 b2t his 9ather c2t him o99. .!ow be9ore yo2 start reass2ring me that yo2 have it a77 2nder contro7: I saw some o9 those 7etters that these gir7s are 7eaving 9or yo2 in Taryn=s door and I m2st say that their 9orward behavior is a7arming.4 i77 r2bbed his 9orehead: >2st 7i8e Ryan does when he=s stressed. .1o2 8now yo2r mother and I wi77 s2pport yo2 in yo2r decisions b2t when yo2r decisions p2t yo2 and yo2r 9ami7y in danger: we77 I have to spea8 my mind abo2t that.4 .)nyone who is in the p2b7ic eye has 9ans: 0ad.4 Ryan tried to dismiss his 9ather=s

concern. .I don=t thin8 yo2 and mom are in any danger.4 .I rea7iDe that: Son: b2t these 9ans o9 yo2rs are 7eaving their perverted notes 9or yo2 in this yo2ng 7ady=s 9ront door.4 i77 motioned his hand in my direction. .I see how m2ch yo2 care 9or her so I=m inc72ding her in o2r 9ami7y when I spea8.4 .I 8now.4 Ryan r2bbed his 9orehead now. .I=m having e;tra a7arms p2t on her apartment and I=m thin8ing abo2t hiring persona7 sec2rity to watch over her when I can=t.4 Be 7oo8ed at meC his e;pression waited 9or my reaction. I sighed and he7d my tong2e. .Son: this is e;act7y what I=m ta78ing abo2tE 1o2r brother: yo2r mother and me: we don=t need bodyg2ards to go to wor8 every day. There=s a reason why yo2 have these men s2rro2nding yo2: protecting yo2. I9 there was no danger: then yo2 wo27dn=t need protectionE 1o2 8now we are pro2d o9 yo2 and we want yo2 to be s2ccess927 b2t not i9 it=s going to p2t yo2 in harms way.4 i77 shoo8 his head 9ierce7y. -y mind immediate7y 97ashed to )nge7ica sitting in her car: watching o2r every move. /aiting 9orH what3 )n opport2nity3 To 9ind a wea8 spot in o2r armor3 .0ad: no one is going to h2rt 2s:4 Ryan said <2ite con9ident7y. 52nny how two ho2rs ago he made phone ca77s abo2t o2r gap*toothed sta78er. I s<2eeDed his thigh with my hand. I didn=t care 9or him 7ying 7i8e that to his parents either. .I won=t 7et anything happen to yo2.4 Be patted my hand to reass2re me. .I >2st wish yo2 wo27d give some tho2ght to what e7se yo2 co27d do with yo2r 7i9e that doesn=t a99ect yo2r sa9ety. /e=d be >2st as pro2d o9 yo2 i9 yo2 did something e7se:4 i77 in9ormed. .I 8now. I=ve been thin8ing abo2t it: act2a77y. Taryn=s been giving me some good ideas.4 Be win8ed at me. I had no idea what he was re9erring to. . 2t that wi77 have to wait. 1o2 8now I=ve signed a 9ew contracts to do other movies. I can=t bac8 o2t now.4 I wasn=t so s2re that Ryan wanted to bac8 o2t o9 anything even i9 he co27d. Be rea77y 7oved being an actor and he was rea77y good at itE Be was ab7e to s7ip into a comp7ete7y di99erent persona and act2a77y convince the o2tside wor7d that he was someone e7se. .)nd what are yo2r tho2ghts on o9 a77 o9 this: Taryn34 his 9ather as8ed. I too8 a moment to gather my tho2ghts. .I thin8 that Ryan is tr27y passionate abo2t

being an actor: and it=s what he wants to do 9or a career. I=ve seen today with my own eyes that he is a bri77iant actor. I9: one day: he doesn=t want to do this anymore: we77 then: it wi77 have to be his decision. I=77 s2pport him with whatever choices he ma8es.4 -y eyes shi9ted 9rom addressing his 9ather to 7oo8ing at Ryan. There were too many peop7e roaming aro2nd the resta2rant so I 8ept my voice 7ow. .1o2 8now how I 9ee7 abo2t yo2. I want yo2 to be happy no matter what yo2 do 9or a 7iving. /e=77 dea7 with whatever 7i9e throws o2r way.4 Be smi7ed: s<2eeDing my hand private7y 2nder the tab7e. Leaving the resta2rant reminded me o9 seeing the red carpet interviews on te7evision. -i8e 97an8ed RyanC Ryan had his hand in the sma77 o9 my bac8: g2iding me a7ong. /ord had obvio2s7y gotten o2t that Ryan was in the resta2rant. Bis 9ans were 7ined 2p on both sides o9 the wa78way o2tside. ) 9ew yo2ng gir7s who 7oo8ed 7i8e they had yet to reach p2berty were mi;ed in with a77 the other teenagers and women who were there to get a g7impse o9 Ryan Christensen. ?h how they screamed 9or him. 5ear str2c8 me once again as o2r car t2rned the 9ina7 corner to de7iver 2s home. )nge7ica=s car was sti77 par8ed on the side street: >2st a short distance 9rom my car. I s<2eeDed Ryan=s hand tight7y severa7 times to get his attention. /hen he 7oo8ed at me I nodded in the direction o9 the o7d b72e @7ymo2th. Bis 7ips c2r7ed: ready to 2tter the .54 word. Be he7d his anger inside. ./hen we come bac8 9rom the cabin: I=77 ta8e care o9 that:4 he m2ttered private7y in my ear so his parents wo27dn=t hear. .I thin8 she=s s7eeping in her car:4 I whispered bac8 to him. The paparaDDi were 7ined 2p in the a77ey behind my barC I g2ess they rea7iDed by now that this was his main entryQe;it point. I stepped o2t o9 the car 9irst with -i8e and immediate7y the cameras started to 97ash. It was hard to get the 8ey in the door whi7e being b7inded by the 97ashes. ?nce we were 2pstairs: we gave his mom her birthday gi9ts. .This one is 9rom Ryan.4 I handed her the bag with the >ewe7ry in it. Ryan 9rowned at me: apparent7y 9or saying that it was >2st 9rom him. She opened the bag and removed a sma77: b7ac8 bo;. Inside were go7d and diamond earrings in a channe7 setting. (7egant and taste927: >2st as I wo27d have e;pected 9or his

mother. She too: stated that they were too m2ch. I 7oo8ed at Ryan and smir8ed. ?bvio2s7y I wasn=t the on7y one who tho2ght his gi9ts to be a bit e;travagant. I handed her a 7arger gi9t bag. .This one is 9rom both o9 2s. Care927: it=s heavy.4 ./hat did yo2 two b2y34 she <2estioned: 9ee7ing the weight o9 the bag. ./e didn=t b2y anything: -om. /e made thatE4 I smi7ed: remembering that day 9ond7y. She removed the tiss2e paper that s2rro2nded the 9rame. .?h myE This is abso72te7y bea2ti927E4 Ber 9ace 7it 2p: 7oo8ing at the 9rame in the 7ight. .1o2 made this34 .Ryan c2t and gro2nd a77 o9 the g7ass and even did most o9 the so7dering:4 I stated pro2d7y: wrapping my arm aro2nd his waist. Be p2t his arm aro2nd my sho27der. .I had an e;ce77ent teacherE4 .I can=t be7ieve yo2 made thisE4 (77en rose 9rom the co2ch and h2gged 2s both. .Than8 yo2E4 she said as she 8issed 2s one at a time. .I 7ove itE I abso72te7y 7ove itE !ow maybe I co27d get yo2 two to pose so I can ta8e a pict2re o9 yo2 whi7e yo2=re a77 dressed 2p. That way I=77 have the per9ect pict2re to p2t in this bea2ti927 9rame.4 This was one photo I didn=t mind posing 9or. The ne;t morning: I h2rried down the a77ey to get my car: m2ch to Ryan=s dis7i8e: b2t I wanted to move the car c7oser to the bac8 door. I didn=t want to ha27 a77 o2r bags down the street and give the photographers even more 92e7 9or their tab7oid 7ies. It was bad eno2gh that the paparaDDi 9o77owed me down the a77ey. /e pac8ed the tr2n8 and Ryan smi7ed brie97y when I handed him the 8eys. I 8new that gripping the steering whee7 and pressing the gas peda7 in my car wo27d ma8e him happy. Be got some sort o9 e7ation 9rom drivingC whether it was 97eeing the photographers and 9ans or i9 it was simp7y the e;hi7aration o9 speed: I wasn=t s2re. ./hite van >2st p277ed behind 2s:4 I in9ormed Ryan whi7e we waited at a red tra99ic 7ight two b7oc8s away 9rom the p2b. .0on=t worry: I=77 7ose them.4 Be thoro2gh7y en>oyed testing the 7imits o9 my car on the open highway. Ryan=s driving got 2s to the cabin in an ho2r and a ha79. /e had 7ost the p2rs2ing

photographers within the 9irst ten min2tes o9 o2r trip. Bis parents were p7easant7y shoc8ed to see o2r 9ina7 destination. Bis 9ather 8ept patting him on the bac8 and smi7ing a7tho2gh neither o9 2s owned the property he was being congrat27ated 9or. )9ter everyone was sit2ated: Ryan and I too8 the boat o2t o9 the garage so he and his 9ather co27d go 9ishing. I rode on the bac8 o9 the 9o2r*whee7er with him: nest7ing my nose into his nec8 that was no 7onger 2n9ami7iar territory. This time o2r re7ationship was comp7ete7y di99erent 9rom the 7ast time we were here. I remembered wondering i9 we wo27d ever be a co2p7e and here we were: a co2p7e. .Taryn: this p7ace is magni9icentE4 (77en said: wrapping her arm aro2nd my sho27der. /e stood on the emban8ment over7oo8ing the 7a8e. The weather was chi77y b2t s2nny with per9ect b72e s8ies. .?ne day:4 Ryan said happi7y. .Right: Boney34 I shr2gged my rep7y: hoping: b2t sti77 not ban8ing on anything. !ot this soon: anyway. I wondered why Ryan 9e7t so s2re so soon. Is there rea77y s2ch a thing as 7ove at 9irst sight: or was he trying to convince himse79 that this was what he wanted3 I didn=t want to second*g2ess my 9ee7ings tho2gh: 9or I was tr27y: mad7y in 7ove with him. .?ne day what34 his mom as8ed. .Bave a p7ace 7i8e this.4 Ryan beamed. . igger ho2se: b2t on a 7a8e.4 ./hat bigger ho2se34 i77 in<2ired: p7acing his hand on Ryan=s sho27der. .I2st ta78ing abo2t having a ho2se o9 my own one day: 0ad. I can=t 7ive in hote7s 9orever.4 .Aood. 1o2 sho27d b2y a home o9 yo2r own. 0on=t throw yo2r money away renting some p7ace. ) ho2se is a good investment. )9ter a77: yo2 certain7y can a99ord it now: Son.4 .I want to design it myse79: tho2gh. /e77: not comp7ete7y on my own.4 Be wrapped his arm aro2nd my sho27der. .I 8now this ta7ented woman * she designed an awesome 8itchen and the most amaDing roo9top patio I=ve ever seen. I thin8 I=77 as8 her how big o9 a c7oset she wants. @2t in a who7e art st2dio room >2st 9or ma8ing stained g7ass34 I smi7ed at him b2t inside I was 9rea8ing o2t. /e=d on7y been together 9or a month and a7ready I was going to be designing a ho2se with him3 /as he serio2s3 Be 7oo8ed serio2s. Be s2re7y so2nded serio2s.

.So: what are yo2 7adies going to do today34 Ryan as8ed: h2gging me 9rom behind at the edge o9 the water. Bis mother wa78ed away to spea8 to his 9atherC they headed towards the doc8. I rea77y thin8 she >2st wanted to give 2s a moment o9 privacy. .I thin8 we=re going to the o2t7et ma77 today. I want to stop at the one anti<2e store. I haven=t been there in years. -aybe we=77 do that tomorrow tho2gh.4 Be partia77y re7eased me to reach into his 9ront poc8et. Then I 9e7t him st299 something into the right 9ront poc8et o9 my >eans. .That=s a tho2sand:4 he whispered in my ear. .I want yo2 to spend it on anything yo2r heart desires.4 I s7o2ched in his armsC my body 7ang2age showing my disp7eas2re o9 his gest2re. .Ryan.4 .Taryn: p7ease. Ao have 92n with my mom. (n>oy yo2rse79.4 .0id yo2r 9ather shove a tho2sand do77ars in yo2r mom=s poc8et: too34 I so9t7y as8ed. .I honest7y don=t 8now:4 he admitted. .-y parents have been married 9or thirty*9o2r years and they share everything: money inc72ded.4 Be sighed in my ear. .)nd my 9ather didn=t recent7y cash another 9ive mi77ion do77ar paychec8 with another eight mi77ion coming.4 I pinched my eyes c7osed. .I don=t want yo2r money: Ryan.4 I 9e7t horrib7e 9or a77owing it. .I 8now:4 he m2rm2red on my nec8: stopping my hand 9rom 7eaving my poc8et. .Consider this practice 9or the ne;t thirty*9o2r years.4 ./e77 i9 or when the thirty*9o2r years o99icia77y starts: we can have this conversation again:4 I said gent7y. I p277ed the money o2t o9 my poc8et and tried to hand it bac8 to him b2t he wo27dn=t ta8e it. .So are yo2 te77ing me we have to be married 9irst be9ore I can even attempt to spoi7 yo2 and share what I have34 he groaned. .!o. It=s >2stH that=s a 7ot o9 money: RyanE4 Be snic8ered in my ear. .!o: that=s not a 7ot o9 money. That=s not even eno2gh to b2y a pair o9 shoes in ever7y Bi77s.4 I ro77ed my eyes: even tho2gh he didn=t see my reaction. .I9 yo2 7ove me 7i8e yo2 say yo2 do: then what=s the prob7em3 I want to ma8e yo2

happy.4 I 8new e;act7y where he was going with this. Bis chest was pressed to my bac8: his arms he7d me in position: and ne;t he was going to try and trip me 2p in words. .I do 7ove yo2. I 7ove that yo2 want to ta8e care o9 me. 2t thisH4 I he7d the money 2p: .does not e<2a7 happiness or 7ove.4 I 8new he wanted to treat me we77 b2t part o9 me 9e7t 7i8e he was trying to b2y my a99ection. Be wrapped his 7e9t arm across my chest. .Taryn: I 8now yo2=re a se79*s299icient: independent woman and I 7ove that abo2t yo2. )nd 7oving yo2 means that I want to ta8e care o9 yo2 * physica77y: emotiona77y: and 9inancia77y. I9 I wanted to piss yo2 o99 today I wo27d have shoved a h2ndred grand in yo2r poc8et:4 he grow7ed in my ear. I s72mped in his arm. .1o2rs: mine: o2rsH4 Be shoved the bi77s deeper into my poc8et with his 7ong 9ingers. .0idn=t yo2 say once it was >2st detai7s3 That this is what matters34 Be patted his right hand over my heart. I 7eaned my head bac8 on his sho27der and nodded re72ctant7y in de9eat. I had to agree with himC a9ter a77: he did vo77ey my own words bac8 at me. .1o2r parents too8 care o9 each other. -y parents ta8e care o9 each other. 1o2=ve been ta8ing care o9 me 6 >2st 7et me try to ta8e care o9 yo2.4 Be trai7ed the tip o9 his nose 2p and down my nec8: 8nowing how m2ch it ma8es my wi77 cr2mb7e. .@7ease34 Bis 7ips br2shed my s8in. .Ao have 92n with my mom. 2y yo2rse79 some new c7othes or shoes or some 9r2ity*soapy st299. /hatever ma8es yo2 happy:4 he 2ttered pers2asive7y in my ear. Be re7eased me: con9ident7y 8nowing that he had >2st red2ced me to a pi7e o9 r2bb7e. I drove to the o2t7et ma77 9irstC there were eno2gh stores there to 8eep 2s b2sy 9or an entire day. The money Ryan shoved in my poc8et 9e7t 7i8e it weighed eighty po2ndsC maybe it was my g2i7t 9or accepting it that weighed that m2ch. I instant7y 9e7t better abo2t spending his money when the 9irst thing I bo2ght was three new pairs o9 >eans 9or him. )9ter seeing a77 the items that constit2ted his wardrobe: he needed some new pants. Bis mother shoo8 her head at me when I p277ed some o9 the cash o2t o9 my poc8et. She waited 2nti7 we were o2t o9 the store to reprimand me.

.I 8now Ryan wanted yo2 to spend that money on yo2rse79: not on him.4 Ber e;pression was tender and disapproving a77 at the same time. .Be desperate7y needs new >eans. e7ieve it or not: he on7y has a 9ew pair. ) 7ot o9 his c7othing was sto7en 9rom the hote7.4 I <2ic87y >2sti9ied my actions. .1o2 tr27y are as se797ess as he said yo2 are.4 She p277ed me by the e7bow into a trendy c7othing store. I 9o2nd a 9ew artic7es o9 c7othing that I 7i8ed. Bis mother was p7eased that I had 9ina77y se7ected things 9or myse79. I didn=t thin8 I had eno2gh cash 7e9t in my poc8et: so I grabbed my ban8card o2t o9 my wa77et. The yo2ng gir7 behind the co2nter was 7oo8ing at me strange7y as she e;amined my card 9or a signat2re. .TarynE4 Bis mother=s reproach927 tone ca2ght me by s2rprise. .Bo7y cowE4 the yo2ng gir7 behind the co2nter b72rted. .1o2=re TarynE Taryn -itche77E4 .0o I 8now yo234 .1o2=re dating Ryan Christensen: right34 I 7oo8ed at his mother. I didn=t 8now where e7se to 7oo8. .It is yo2E ?h my AodE Is he here too34 Ber eyes wie7ded aro2nd the store. .!o dear: he=s not.4 Bis mother answered her <2estion. .-ay I have that card p7ease3 /e=re going to pay with cash instead.4 The cashier was smi7ing 9rantica77y at me. .1o2 are so 9rea8ing 72c8yE Be is so hotE I saw Seaside 7i8e thirty times a7ready. ?h my AodE /ait 2nti7 I te77 my 9riends that I met yo2E4 She >2mped aro2nd 7i8e someone was e7ectroc2ting her. ./ait: are yo2 Ryan Christensen=s mom3 ?h my Aod: ?h my AodE 0o yo2 both mind i9 I ta8e yo2r pict2re3 @7ease34 She was a7ready p277ing her ce77 phone o2t o9 her poc8et. .1o2 want to ta8e o2r pict2re34 I as8ed: tota77y con92sed by her 9rantic behavior. Why would she want our pi ture# We arent the ones who are famous% (77en wrapped her arm aro2nd my waist and we both <2ic87y smi7ed 9or the pict2re. It was over in a second. (77en handed my ban8card bac8 to me and tapped me in the poc8et to 2se the cash instead. I shoo8 my head no b2t she tapped me harder in the 7eg. It was 7i8e Ryan had his

own private watchdog monitoring me. Re72ctant7y I 2sed the cash. I he7d the door open 9or her when we 7e9t the store. .That was weird.4 ./as that yo2r 9irst time: 0ear34 .5irst time34 9irst time for what# Spending his money# .To be recogniDed: witho2t Ryan being with yo234 (77en said. . y a stranger: yes.4 I swa77owed hard 9rom the e;citement. She 7a2ghed so9t7y. .I never deny it when peop7e as8 i9 he=s my son. 2t I=m s2re yo2 8now that I never say anything beyond thatE )9ter a whi7e yo2=77 get 2sed to it: that and the cameras.4 .I wish yo2 wo27d have 7et me 2se my card to pay 9or the c7othing. It bothers me to spend his money:4 I gr2mb7ed. (77en smi7ed and s7ipped her hand aro2nd the inside o9 my e7bow. .0o yo2 8now that yo2 are the 9irst gir7 he has introd2ced 2s to in over 9ive years34 .Rea77y3 I 9ind that hard to be7ieve:4 I m2ttered: comp7ete7y astonished. I tho2ght maybe her memory was 9ading. .S2re7y yo2 met the gir7 he was dating when the 9irst Seaside movie started 9i7ming3 /asn=t she 9rom @ittsb2rgh34 ./hat gir7 9rom @ittsb2rgh34 (77en as8ed. .The gir7 he was dating 9rom the amate2r theater3 Be said she visited him in -aine when he was there 9i7ming.4 .?h: yes: I remember now. That oneH her name was roo8e. She was the gir7 who tried to 2se him to 92rther her acting career. /e did meet her once: b2t that was when he was in a stage p7ay with her bac8 in @ittsb2rgh. She ended 2p moving to Ca7i9ornia and she h2nted him down. Be to7d 2s abo2t her b2t we never met her when they were together. She made <2ite a mess 9or him in the papers too with her 7ies:4 she said: s7ipping her p2rse strap bac8 over her sho27der. .!o: the 7ast gir7 he introd2ced 2s to was the gir7 he was dating his second year in co77ege. Ber name was -andy: b2t they bro8e 2p when he started per9orming with the theater tro2pe. )ct2a77y she bro8e 2p with him come to thin8 o9 it. That=s rightH she 7e9t him 9or someone e7se. )nyway: I h2ng 2p on her when she ca77ed the ho2se a9ter Seaside premiered. )77 o9 a s2dden he was good eno2gh 9or her again.4 . 2t I=m s2re he=s dated a 7ot o9 women since then34 I stated the obvio2s.

.?h we77: yes: I s2ppose he=s dated <2ite a 9ew. 2t that was a77 be9ore he became we77*8nown.4 The e;pression on her 9ace t2rned to sadness. .Be 7ived in Ca7i9ornia 9or a whi7e and he met a 7ot o9 gir7s. I heard a77 abo2t them 6 we77 at 7east the ones he to7d me abo2t: b2t we never met any o9 them. )77 2sers and ta8ers i9 yo2 as8 me. Be was pretty serio2s with this one gir7 he met in Los )nge7es: b2t that ended <2ic87y when she 9orged one o9 his chec8s to pay 9or a boob >ob.4 She shoo8 her headC the memory seemed to anger her. . 2t since Seaside premiered: it=s been to2gh 9or him. Ryan dated this actress a 9ew months ago b2t she bro8e it o99 with him so she co27d date another actor. The papers s2re had a 9ie7d day with that one too.4 I wondered i9 she 8new abo2t La2ren or was she re9erring to someone e7se3 She 7e9t me no time to as8. . 2t yo2: my dear: he can=t stop ta78ing abo2t yo2E 1o2 have capt2red his heartE )s his mother: I see he is at a di99erent stage o9 his 7i9e now. Be=s 9ina77y growing 2p. I thin8 he is rea7iDing that his dreams o9 being a 9amo2s actor come a7ong with a 7ot o9 pain and heartache.4 .Be and I have had <2ite a 9ew ta78s abo2t that:4 I admitted. .)nd honest7y: I thin8 things wo27d be 9ine i9 the media >2st 7e9t him a7one. I >2st wish I 8new how to protect him witho2t ma8ing things worse.4 ./e77: maybe yo2 won=t have to. Be to7d me severa7 times that he is not s2re i9 this is what he wants to do 9or the rest o9 his 7i9e. I thin8 other priorities are presenting themse7ves since he has met yo2. Be >2st abo2t gave 2p hope 9inding someone who wo27d 7ove him 9or him. 0o yo2 8now what I=m trying to say3 Be=s a7ready to7d me that yo2=re the one he wants toH4 .There they areE4 /e heard severa7 yo2ng women sho2t: interr2pting o2r conversation. The gir7s were wa78ing 9ast down the sidewa78 towards 2s with smi7es on their 9aces. .Is he here3 /here is he34 one o9 the gir7s as8ed e;2berant7y. Ber eyes were desperate7y searching in the store windows. .That is herE )nd his motherE4 )nother gir7 was a7most r2nning down the wa78way. She had a ce77 phone 2p to her ear. .(77en: 7et=s go.4 I grabbed her arm and we dashed o2t into the par8ing 7ot.

/hat did he te77 her3 I=m the one he wants to what3 So m2ch 9or 8nowingC now his 9ans were chasing 2s.

Chapter 21 - Decisions

/e stopped at the grocery store on the way bac8 to the cabin. I convinced his mom that it wo27d be easier to coo8 than to go o2t and have his whereabo2ts 8nown to the p2b7ic. I wanted the cabin and s2rro2nding area to be o2r sa9e haven: i9 s2ch a p7ace co27d e;ist 9or 2s. Baving his mother and I recogniDed was bad eno2gh. /hi7e we were in the chec8o2t 7ine: I noticed that my 9ace: a7ong with Ryan=s: was now on the 9ront cover o9 two gossip magaDines. ) 7arge photo o9 2s covered the entire 9ront o9 one o9 them. I recogniDed that it was a photo o9 2s ta8en on o2r way to Ca7 and Je77y=s. The 7arge head7ine anno2nced" .Aone @2b7icE Ryan=s new 7ove.4 There was my 9ace and his: 7ess than two 9eet away 9rom where I stood. I s7ipped my s2ng7asses o2t o9 my p2rse and p2t them on. I n2dged his motherC she had a7ready noticed the pict2res herse79. She too8 a deep breath and sighed. I co27d te77 she was disg2sted. I wanted to pic8 2p the magaDine and see what e7se it had to say b2t I 9o2ght o99 the 2rge. I 8new it wo27d 2pset me i9 they printed 7ies. esides: I didn=t need to read a magaDine to te77 me what was happening in my 7i9e. I was 7iving it. Ryan and his 9ather were sti77 o2t on the 7a8e 9ishing when we ret2rned. I co27d see them 9rom the bac8 o9 the cabin. /e waved to each other when he saw me on the emban8ment. (77en and I 2n7oaded the car and spread the 9ood o2t on the 8itchen is7and. She was speci9ic with the items we p2rchased at the storeC she wanted to show me how she ma8es Ryan=s 9avorite mea7. .Be as8s 9or this every time he comes home:4 she said whi7e browning bee9 tips on the stove. Ryan and his 9ather carried their 9ishing po7es and gear into the ho2se and he gave me a <2ic8 8iss be9ore going to wash 2p. .-om: what are yo2 ma8ing34 he as8ed: even tho2gh I thin8 he 8new what she was

2p to. .Is that what I thin8 it is34 .1o2r mom is showing me the secret 9ami7y recipe.4 I 2ncor8ed one o9 the bott7es o9 wine that I had pac8ed. Ryan warned me: .!ow yo2 8now yo2 can never div27ge this in9ormation to anyone. This recipe was my grandmother=s. It can on7y be passed down.4 .I=m 2nder contract: remember3 Sworn to secrecy.4 I twisted my 9ingers over my 7ips. /e were en>oying the bott7e o9 wine when Ryan decided to chec8 his messages. Be t2rned his ce77 phone on and soon a9ter that he 7oo8ed pert2rbed. .Twenty missed ca77s:4 he groaned. Be scanned thro2gh his messages: de7eting one a9ter the other. .Bo7y shitE4 he said e;cited7y. .Boney: pen: paperE4 Be was grasping at the air. .1o2 8now that script I read a 9ew wee8s ago3 They want me 9or the 7eadE4 he said con9ident7y. Ryan grabbed me by the waist and sp2n me aro2nd in the air. Be was e7ated. .Boney: that=s 9antasticE4 I h2gged him as he twir7ed me in a circ7e. I2st as I had s2spected a77 a7ong: these st2dios and movie mog27s were a77 going to stri8e whi7e Ryan was hot. Bis parents were thri77ed. .Bey )aron.4 Ryan ca77ed his agent. .I=m ta8ing some time o99 with my 9ami7y this wee8end:4 he in9ormed. Ryan=s mo2th h2ng open as he wrote the n2mber nine on the paper and drew circ7es aro2nd it severa7 times. .Be77 yeah I=m inE 0avid ass2red me that I co27d ma8e the sched27e dates. I=77 see yo2 in L.). in a co2p7e o9 wee8s.4 Be ended his ca77 and 7oo8ed aro2nd at a77 o9 2s. .They=re o99ering me nine mi77ion to do Slip"not:4 Ryan said pro2d7y. .-y Aod: SonE This is tr27y a wee8end 9277 o9 ce7ebrationsE4 Bis 9ather p277ed him in 9or a h2g and a man7y pat on the bac8. I was so happy 9or him: 9or his s2ccess: 9or the >oy this news bro2ght to him. I wa78ed o2tside 9or some wood to start a 9ire. Ryan: o9 co2rse: 9o77owed me. I had two 7ogs in my arms when Ryan stopped me with his body. Be too8 the 7ogs o2t o9 my arms and set them on the gro2nd. Be was ho7ding his phone to his ear. .Bey 0avidE 1es: I got the ca77 9rom 5o77wei7er. I a7ready ta78ed to )aron. I=m c7ear

on the dates in )pri7: right3 Than8s: 0avidE It=s great newsE )77 right: I=77 ta78 to yo2 soon. .I want yo2 here when I ma8e this ne;t ca77:4 he said: to2ching my chee8. .Stay.4 .-r. 5o77wei7er: it=s Ryan Christensen. 1es: sir. I >2st got yo2r message. Than8 yo2 9or this opport2nityE I=m 7oo8ing 9orward to wor8ing with yo2 too. It=s an honor.4 Ryan was ecstatic. .I=m sti77 in Rhode Is7andC we=re a7most wrapped on the second 9i7m and then I=77 be in Scot7and 9or ten days in the beginning o9 0ecember 9or 9ina7 scenes. !o: I=m 7iving in Rhode Is7and now. 1es: that=s correct: with -s. -itche77. !o: she=s not an actress. !o: she=s not a mode7 eitherE4 Ryan 7a2ghed brie97y. .?h3 1es: o9 co2rseE4 Ryan g7anced 2p at me with a s2rprised 7oo8 on his 9ace. .Wed 7ove to meet yo2 9or dinner. I=77 be in L.). the third wee8 o9 0ecember 9or the Seaside wrap party. .I have the script. 1es sir: I=77 ca77 yo2r o99ice on -onday to coordinate a meeting. Than8 yo2 so m2chE4 Be beamed at me. .-r. 5o77wei7er has invited us to dinnerE4 I co27dn=t be7ieve that some director even 8new Ryan=s persona7 b2siness. Bo77ywood was worse than the !S). There were no secrets. )9ter o2r de7icio2s mea7: we decided to p7ay a game o9 cards. /e were drin8ing wine and had a nice 9ire b2rning in the 9irep7ace. (verything was peace927. .-om: did yo2 have 92n today34 Ryan as8ed. .I was c7othes shopping: Boney.4 She win8ed at him. .Taryn was recogniDed by the one yo2ng cashier. The gir7 8new that she=s dating yo2. She even as8ed 2s to pose 9or a pict2re.4 .Ber pict2re is p7astered a77 over the Internet with me: -om. 1o2 8now how it is. This wee8 she=77 be in every gossip magaDine in print. I was worried how it wo27d a99ect her: b2t she seems to be hand7ing it very we77.4 I noted the so2nd o9 pride in his voice. It made me smi7e. .I2st as 7ong as yo2 don=t read the garbage they print with the pict2res: we=77 be 9ine.4 Be 8ic8ed my 9oot so I=d get the point. .I hate to brea8 it to yo2: Son: b2t the two o9 yo2 are a7ready on the cover o9 the magaDines. There=s a big pict2re o9 yo2 and Taryn on the cover o9 the /ee87y Reporter. /e

saw it at the store today.4 (77en=s e;pression was a mi; o9 2nhappiness and pride. .1o2r mom and I a7so got chased by some o9 yo2r 9ans at the ?2t7et. (ither I was recogniDed or that cashier ca77ed some 9riends. I thin8 they were hoping that we wo27d 7ead them to yo2 b2t we gave them the s7ipE4 I to7d him. ./e7come to my wor7d.4 Be 9rowned. .So: what did yo2 b2y today34 .She bo2ght yo2 new >eans:4 (77en <2ic87y tatt7ed on me. I saw him 7oo8 over at me: even tho2gh my eyes were sti77 staring at my cards. I 8new I was going to get sco7ded: so I he7d my inde; 9inger 2p and stopped him in his trac8s. .)h: be9ore yo2 comp7ain: I=d >2st 7i8e to say that I=ve persona77y washed a77 the pants that yo2 own: and yo2 were desperate7y in need o9 a non*ripped pair. I on7y got yo2 three pair 6 and one is >2st 7i8e those o7d 9avorites yo2=re wearing right now with the b2tton 97y.4 .@7ease te77 me yo2 bo2ght yo2rse79 something:4 he groaned: obvio2s7y disp7eased that I spent his money on him. .1es: I did. I got a co2p7e o9 new shirts and some pants. Than8 yo2 9or b2ying them.4 I 7eaned over and gave him a <2ic8 8iss. .Than8 yo2 9or thin8ing o9 me: too.4 ./e77: I can=t have my boy9riend wa78ing aro2nd with his 2nderwear showing thro2gh the ho7es in his bac8 poc8ets. The co7or and sty7e o9 yo2r 2nderwear needs to remain a c7ose7y g2arded 9ami7y secret:4 I snic8ered. Bis mom started 7a2ghing at me. ./hy are a77 these 9ans so desperate to 8now what 8ind o9 2nderwear yo2 have on3 They as8 yo2 that <2estion every time yo2 get interviewed.4 .Be=s a movie star: -om. )77 women have 9antasies abo2t what their 9avorite actor 7oo8s 7i8e... somewhat na8ed:4 I answered. .)77 women34 Ryan <2estioned: raising an eyebrow at me. I 7oo8ed at him: 8nowing e;act7y what he meant. .I=m s2re yo2 have yo2r 9antasy 7ist too. 2t I don=t want to 8now who=s on that 7ist in case yo2 ever have to wor8 with one o9 them.4 ./ho=s on yo2r 7ist34 he goaded. .I2st one. Ryan Christensen. Be=s so dreamyE4 Bis parents were 7a2ghing hysterica77y at my comment. .I thin8 yo2=ve met yo2r

match: SonE4 his 9ather be77owed. Ryan made a specia7 e99ort to mode7 his 2nderwear aro2nd the g2estroom when we a77 departed 9or bed. Be was trying to get my attention. .I wish I wo27d have bro2ght the script with me. I=m going to need to r2n 7ines. 0o yo2 thin8 yo2=d 7i8e to he7p me do that when we get home3 5o77wei7er wants me to screen test with a 9ew actresses o2t in L.).4 Ryan craw7ed 2nder the covers and I sn2gg7ed 2p against him. .S2re. I=d be happy to he7p: a7tho2gh I don=t 8now how good I=77 be at it. I mean I=m not an actress.4 .1o2 don=t have to be: a7tho2gh 5o77wei7er tho2ght yo2 were. It=s no big dea7: Boney. 1o2 >2st need to read the 7ines.4 Be yawned: his eyes e;amined my 9ace. ./hat=s wrong34 -y worry m2st have been showing. .I don=t 8now. I g2ess I 9ee7 at a disadvantage that I=m not that 9ami7iar with a77 this acting st299. Sometimes I 9ee7 inade<2ate.4 .It wi77 come. 1o2=77 end 2p 8nowing more abo2t it than I do one dayE4 Ryan twisted my hair in his 9ingers. I shr2gged as he he7d me. ./hat=s rea77y bothering yo234 he as8ed: concerned. I sighed heavi7y: 2ns2re o9 whether I sho27d rea77y te77 him. Be ti7ted his head: waiting. .)ctorsH actresses. 1o2 2s2a77y don=t hear abo2t actors and tavern owners:4 I whispered. I 9ig2red it was a sa9e start. Ryan 9rowned at me. .Taryn: I rea77y 7i8e that yo2=re not an actress. I 7i8e being ab7e to separate my persona7 7i9e 9rom the craDiness. I thin8 it=s a big part o9 why I=m so attracted to yo2. 1o2 ma8e me 9ee7 norma7. I can >2stH be myse79.4 Be r2bbed my arm. .So don=t 7et that worry yo2.4 Be s7ipped his arm o2t 9rom 2nderneath me and rested his head on his hand. .The 9act that yo2=re a smart and savvy b2siness owner is de9inite7y: definitely more appea7ing to me.4 Bis eyes departed 9rom my 9ace and 9o77owed his 9inger as it trai7ed down my chest. .1o2r parents are in the ne;t room:4 I reminded him. Bis 9ingertip was tic87ing the

s8in 2nderneath my 7ace bra. .So34 .1o2 tend to be 7o2dE4 I teased. .-e3 I don=t thin8 soE Let me show yo2 how <2iet I can be.4 It was si7ent in o2r room: a77 e;cept 9or the so2nds o9 o2r ro2gh and 7abored breathing 9rom o2r passionate 8isses. Ryan=s c7awed hand s7ipped the strap o99 my sho27der. .Let=s ta8e this bra o99:4 he whispered on my 7ips. I ro77ed s7ight7y to a77ow his hands to reach: b2t a 9aint noise in the bac8gro2nd was distracting me. .Shh.4 I he7d my 9inger 2p 9or him to wait. .0o yo2 hear that34 .Bear what34 he whispered: trying to open the c7asp. ./ait. I hear something.4 I >2mped o2t o9 bed and tiptoed to the door. Then I heard what I tho2ght I heard origina77y. I waved to Ryan to >oin me. ) h2ge smi7e bro8e on my 7ips. /e stood there <2iet7y 7istening to the steady rhythm o9 the th2mping noise 2nti7 we heard his mother moan. Ryan sprinted bac8 to bed and d2c8ed 2nder the b7an8ets. .?h my AodE4 ./hat3 So yo2r parents are getting some. -2st be something in the mo2ntain air that inspired themE4 I craw7ed bac8 into bed. .)re yo2 sti77 9ee7ing inspired too34 I 9ig2red since his parents were being so open*mindedH .!oE4 he 9ired <2ic87y and sh2ddered 9rom the tho2ght. .Bow the he77 am I s2pposed to 7oo8 at them tomorrow3 That=s my mom and dadE4 ./e77 at 7east yo2 8now that when yo2 get to be yo2r 9ather=s age: yo2=77 sti77 beH 2mH activeE4 I gigg7ed. Ryan covered his eyes with his hands. .They=re my parents: TarynE They=re not s2pposed toH I don=t want to thin8 abo2t them doing that 8ind o9 st299.4 .I2st as m2ch as they don=t want to thin8 abo2t you doing that 8ind o9 st29934 I sho27dn=t have teased him. .?h: BoneyE 0o yo2 want to watch some te7evision34 .I=m gonna need 92c8ing therapy a9ter this wee8end:4 he m2ttered.

Be was tota77y 9rea8ed o2t and o2r moment was now r2ined by his menta7 torment. There was no way he was going to s7eep tonight either. I 8new him we77 eno2gh to 8now how he dwe77s on things. Time to create a distraction. I got o2t o9 bed and started to change. ./here are yo2 going34 he as8ed. . each:4 I answered coy7y: p277ing his sweatshirt down over my na8ed body.

.Aood morningE4 I greeted his mother in the 8itchen. She was primped with a77 her hair sprayed into permanent position. !ot a sing7e hair was o2t o9 p7ace. She ret2rned my smi7e with one o9 her own. /e both had o2r secret reasons 9or smi7ingC >2st mine wasn=t as 7o2d as hers was 7ast night. I had a hard time 7oo8ing at his 9ather tho2gh with a straight 9ace. Fis2a7s o9 i77 getting a77 2p in (77en 7ast night was a7most comica7. The 9o2r o9 2s stood in the 8itchen in 2ncom9ortab7e si7enceC eyes g7anced bac8 and 9orth 9rom 9ace to 9ace over c2ps o9 co99ee. Ryan 7oo8ed 7i8e he was in pain. I co27dn=t stand the si7ence any 7onger. .(77en: there=s a 9ew anti<2e stores I was thin8ing abo2t going to today whi7e the men are o2t on the 7a8e. Bow does that so2nd34 .So2nds wonder927E /e can go wherever yo2 want.4 I thin8 she wo27d have been content to go anywhere that invo7ved 7oo8ing at st299 on she7ves. I patted Ryan=s stomach. .I=m going to ma8e some brea89ast 9irst so yo2 have 92e7 in yo2r tan8 to catch a77 those 9ish today.4 Be smi7ed and gave me a so9t 8iss. It didn=t ta8e 7ong to drive to the big: red barn 9i77ed with 7oca7 anti<2es. I was re7ieved that (77en and I got a7ong so we77. She wasn=t the probing: b2sybody typeC not 7i8e some o9 the mothers o9 my past boy9riends. )7ong the way: we ta78ed abo2t what she does to manage i77=s denta7 o99iceC it so2nded a 7ot 7i8e what I have to do to manage the bar: min2s dea7ing with a77 the ins2rance c7aims. It was com9orting to 8now that we co27d re7ate to each other beyond the 9act that I was dating her son. eing aro2nd (77en was 7i8e having a mother and a 9riend a77 wrapped 2p in one. She

reminded me o9 >2st how m2ch I missed having my mom aro2nd. .I want to get Ryan a birthday present whi7e we are here: b2t I never 8now what to b2y him anymore. Be=s been trave7ing so m2chC anything we b2y him >2st ends 2p in o2r basement:4 (77en said: 97ipping over the price tag on an o7d dry sin8. .I 8now. I was thin8ing abo2t what I co27d get him too. Bis birthday is 7ess than three wee8s away. Be had mentioned abo2t getting hoc8ey tic8ets: b2t I=m not s2re what his sched27e is 7i8e. I on7y seem to 8now wee8 by wee8 what he=s 2p to.4 ) tho2ght am2sed her. .Ryan to7d 2s yo2=re a @ittsb2rgh 9an. It=s 7i8e Beaven made yo2 >2st 9or himE4 I 7a2ghed 2ncom9ortab7y at her comment. .I don=t 8now abo2t that b2t I=m g7ad yo2 thin8 so. I tr27y do 7ove yo2r son. I >2st want to ma8e him happy.4 .Bearing yo2 say that thri77s me beyond wordsE4 She s<2eeDed me <2ic87y aro2nd the sho27ders with her one arm. .I was so worried that he=d end 2p with the wrong gir7 one day. I=m so re7ieved that he=s made the per9ect choice. )nd to te77 yo2 the tr2th: I=m g7ad yo2r pict2re is on the cover o9 those magaDines with him. It 8i77s me every time I hear the media pairing him 2p with that S2Danne.4 .I gather yo2 don=t 7i8e her:4 I said: hoping she=d e;p7ain why she 9e7t that way. .!o: not rea77y. I=ve tried to warm 2p to her b2tH4 (77en sh2ddered. .She on7y cares abo2t herse79. She thin8s the wor7d revo7ves aro2nd her.4 (77en 7oo8ed at me intense7y. .I don=t 8now i9 yo2 8now this yet or not: b2t she has a thing 9or my son. Ryan: than8 Aod: doesn=t 9ee7 the same way. I was so worried that he might 9a77 9or someone 7i8e her tho2gh: considering how many actresses he gets to meet and has to wor8 with. I 9eared that one o9 them might end 2p being my da2ghter*in*7aw one day.4 -y mind dri9ted 9rom her comments. I co27d easi7y see myse79 being his wi9e and the mother o9 his chi7dren: >2st 7i8e a norma7 h2sband and wi9e: b2t i9 I end 2p being his wi9e: then what3 /hat wo27d I do to 8eep myse79 b2sy and prod2ctive3 0o I 7ive o2t o9 a s2itcase too: 9o77owing him aro2nd the g7obe3 Living o99 o9 him 7i8e some pathetic 9ree7oader3 /as I even movie star wi9e materia73 /hat co27d I do 9or a 7iving to ass2re I was a contrib2ting partner in a g7obe*trotting marriage3 Bec8: I str2gg7ed with the decision o9 c7osing the bar this wee8end. Bow the he77 wi77 I be ab7e to have a 7ong*standing re7ationship with a man who is never in one p7ace 9or

very 7ong3 )nother movie: another distant 7ocation: another se;y 7ead actress 9or s2re. /hi7e I=m distracted pic8ing o2t ti7e patterns 9or the bathroom: co27d some we77*8nown vi;en get to be the recipient o9 the ne;t condom in his pac83 !o matter which way I envisioned it: a77 paths ended 2p with me 7osing him. The wor7d was 2n9o7ding on a si7ver p7atter to him: >2st 7i8e S2Danne had said. The parties to comeH a77 the womenH temptation a77 aro2nd. Inside I was a partia7 wrec8. .Taryn3 )re yo2 a77 right34 (77en noticed my menta7 absence. Unconscio2s7y I shoo8 my head. I wasn=t a77 right. -y interna7 mono7og2e came po2ring o2t o9 my <2ivering 7ips. .)t 9irst I didn=t want to get invo7ved with yo2r son be ause he was a ce7ebrity. Then we >2st spent time together and I got to 8now him 9or who he tr27y is. That=s who I 9e77 in 7ove with. I hope yo2 be7ieve me when I te77 yo2 that I=m not with him beca2se he=s 9amo2s. )nd I don=t want his money either. .Be=s a bea2ti927: caring: 7oving person and I 7ove him so m2ch. I=ve never 9e7t this way abo2t anyone. )nd I 8now he 7oves me. 2t I=m so scared. There are so many women o2t there: a77 desiring him. It=s not 7i8e we=re going to have a norma7 7i9e: ever. It=s hard eno2gh to have a norma7 re7ationship 7et a7one have yo2r re7ationship be ana7yDed and ripped apart by the wor7d. .Be=s a7ways going to be trave7ing and away 9or months at a time. ./hat do I do3 /hat i9 I=m not eno2gh3 /hat i9 we=re not strong eno2gh34 -y chest started to 9ee7 tight. I had been ho7ding a77 these tho2ghts in 9or so 7ong: never ta78ing abo2t them with anyone 6 not even my c7osest 9riends: and now they a77 came b2bb7ing to the s2r9ace. Bis mother moved to 9ace me and 7oo8ed me right in the eyes. .Taryn: I don=t thin8 yo2 give yo2rse79 eno2gh credit. I have never heard Ryan ta78 abo2t another gir7 the way he does abo2t yo2. Be didn=t thin8 it wo27d ever be possib7e to 9ind tr2e 7ove a9ter he became 9amo2s: and he has 9o2nd that in yo2. 1o2E4 She said in a stern voice as she t2gged at my wrist. .Let him 7ove yo2: Taryn. ThatLs a77 he wants. I 8now this can be stress927: having

s2ch a p2b7ic re7ationship: b2t yo2 need to stay tr2e to each other and yo2 wi77 wor8 thro2gh a77 o9 yo2r 9ears. The two o9 yo2 wi77 9ig2re it o2t. )nd don=t be a9raid to ta78 to him abo2t anything either. 1o2 have to be open with each other i9 yo2 want any marriage to s2rvive.4 (77en to2ched my chee8. .I 8now. I am trying. I 7ove him with a77 my heart.4 .?h: Sweetie. It wi77 a77 wor8 o2t. 1o2=77 seeE4 She gave me a very com9orting h2g. .Ryan wi77 ma8e s2re o9 it.4 .Than8 yo2:4 I breathed in her ear: h2gging his mother 7i8e she was my own. .1o2=re we7comeE )nytime yo2 need to ta78 I=77 a7ways be here 9or yo2.4 )7tho2gh it was a77 easier said than done to con9ront these 9ee7ings: I 9e7t at ease with her. -y connection with her made me miss my mother even more. .I g2ess Ryan wi77 sti77 be here when it=s his birthday:4 (77en said. .I better 9ind him something then whi7e we are here.4 .I was thin8ing abo2t having a sma77 birthday party 9or him at my p2b. 0o yo2 thin8 some o9 his o7d 9riends 9rom home might be interested in coming to Rhode Is7and34 .1o2 co27d a7ways as8. Be=s 7ost to2ch with a 7ot o9 his 9riends. Be a7ways chec8s in with -att and Scott when he comes home. ?ther than that: I rea77y don=t 8now who his 9riends are now. 1o2=77 have to get their phone n2mbers 9rom Ryan.4 I tho2ght abo2t how I wo27d do that. I certain7y wo27dn=t as8 him 9or their n2mbersC that wo27d r2in any possib7e s2rprise. I=d have to be snea8y. .I tho2ght he was coming home 9or Than8sgiving or did that change34 (77en as8ed. .I=m sorry. I don=t 8now. Be didn=t say anything to me.4 -y words cast other tho2ghts thro2gh my head. .That=s when he a7ways gets together with the boys. (very year they drive to @otter Co2nty to go deer h2nting.4 I tho2ght abo2t 7ast Than8sgiving and 9ee7ing 7i8e an oddba77 at @ete and Tammy=s tab7e. I was g7ad that they convinced me to come overC I had than8ed them b2t dec7ined severa7 times 2nti7 Thomas ditched me at the 7ast min2te. Than8sgiving was a7ways a big prod2ction 9or my mother. She=d ma8e a h2ge t2r8ey and a77 the 9i;ings. )77 the re7atives wo27d gather and we=d eat too m2ch. )s we grew o7der: my co2sins had 9ami7ies o9 their own and everyone scattered in

their separate directions. )9ter my parents passed and I t2rned down one too many invitations: my phone stopped ringing at the ho7idays. Large 9ami7y get*togethers seemed to be a thing o9 the past. Ryan had not mentioned his Than8sgiving p7ans to me: b2t I had hoped or more acc2rate7y ass2med that we wo27d be together: especia77y a9ter the conversation I >2st had with his mother. I9 not: I=d be a7one once again. -aybe Ryan wo27d want to spend the ho7iday a7one with his 9ami7y and then the rest o9 his 9ree time with his 9riends h2nting instead3 Than8sgiving I co27d dea7 with: b2t another Christmas by myse79H that wo27d be pain927. Last year Thomas convenient7y pic8ed a 9ight with me two wee8s be9ore Christmas and we temporari7y bro8e 2p. I sti77 thin8 it was beca2se he didn=t want to have to b2y me a gi9t. -y mind was wandering when my eyes noticed an o7d Aibson aco2stic g2itar t2c8ed away in the bac8 corner o9 the anti<2e shop. I pic8ed it 2p and gave it a str2mC it had a great so2nd. I handed the cashier my ban8 card and 9ive h2ndred and ninety do77ars 7ater: wa78ed o2t with Ryan=s birthday present. )9ter a 9277 day o9 roaming thro2gh stores: we both had o2r 9i77 o9 shopping. I t2rned the car in the direction o9 the cabin. Ryan and his 9ather were b2sy doing something by the edge o9 the 7a8e. ./hat are yo2 2p to34 I as8ed. Ryan was s<2atting down and had a big boning 8ni9e in his hand. Be was g2tting a 9ish. .Loo8 at this bassE I co27dn=t throw this one bac8: Boney. Taryn * s2pper. S2pper 6 Taryn.4 Be was trying to be 92nny with the poor 9ish=s dismembered head. ./e sho27d coo8 that o2tside on the 9ire pit.4 I pointed in the direction. .Aood >ob: manE4 I said with my p7ay927 cavewoman voice. I gave him a congrat27atory s<2eeDe on his sho27ders. .-an catch 9ish 9or womanE4 he stated pro2d7y. I started a 9ire in the 7arge: circ27ar 9ire pit and sat down in one o9 the wooden chairs that s2rro2nded it. The s2n was starting to set and the 9ire 9e7t nice and warm on my hands. Ryan p2t the meta7 grate over the hot coa7s and soon his catch o9 the day was coo8ing. .Taryn: how m2ch property does yo2r 9ami7y own here34 Ryan as8ed.

.I thin8 it=s a7most three acres. /hy34 ./ho owns that property over there3 There=s nothing b2t a 7itt7e shac8 ho2se on it.4 Ryan pointed to the east side o9 the 7a8e. .I don=t 8now. I=ve never seen anyone there. 0eeds are p2b7ic recordsC I=m s2re it wo27d be easy to 9ind o2t.4 .I 7ove this 7a8e:4 he said: the tone o9 adoration was evident. .I spent a77 day o2t there designing a ho2se in my head.4 Be 7oo8ed over to me. .Te77 me: i9 yo2 co27d pic8 a p7ace: where wo27d yo2 want to 7ive34 .I don=t 8now: b2t by a 7a8e so2nds per9ect:4 I answered tr2th9277y. .I wonder i9 I co27d b2y that 7and over there34 Ryan pointed. ./hat34 he <2estioned my stare. I was s2rprised by his comment. .I >2st ass2med yo2 wo27d want to 7ive c7oser to yo2r parentsC somewhere in @ennsy7vania.4 .Bow=s the 9ish doing34 i77 as8ed: ta8ing the seat ne;t to me. .It=s coo8ing: 0ad.4 Ryan p2shed the tin 9oi7 pac8 c7oser to the center. Be was not going to be distracted 9rom his train o9 tho2ght. .Boney: it doesn=t matter to me. )s 7ong as I=m c7ose to an airport I can 7ive anywhere: b2t I=m not going any 92rther west than @ittsb2rgh. /hat these peop7e pay 9or homes in Ca7i9ornia is craDy. I co27d b2i7d a ten tho2sand s<2are 9oot ho2se here 9or the same amo2nt o9 what yo2=d pay 9or a one bedroom apartment in L.).4 .Ryan: are yo2 p7anning on coming home 9or Than8sgiving34 (77en interr2pted. .I was p7anning on it:T he answered: t2rning his attention to her. .I want Taryn to meet !ic8 and Iane77e: and I want to ta8e her to -e77on )rena 9or a hoc8ey game. I have to as8 0avid to chec8 on game dates and tic8ets.4 Ryan 7oo8ed bac8 at me: res2ming o2r origina7 conversation. .The on7y decision yo2 need to ma8e is what to do with the bar. I9 yo2 sti77 want to manage it too: then we have to 7ive c7oser to the coast.4 .@277 that bac8 to the edge: Son. It=s going to b2rn there:4 i77 instr2cted. /hi7e Ryan was distracted: I stood 2p 9rom my chair. .(;c2se me: p7ease:4 I m2rm2red. I p277ed my car 8eys o2t o9 my coat poc8et as I

crossed the 7awn. Ryan trotted 2p behind me. .Tar: what=s 2p3 )re yo2 going somewhere34 @art o9 me wanted to get the g2itar o2t o9 the carC the other part did not want to have to thin8 abo2t se77ing the bar in order to 8eep a boy9riend. .!o. I=m not going anywhere:4 I m2ttered. .I tho2ght maybe I 2pset yo2. 0id I34 Be too8 ho7d o9 my arm: stopping me 9rom ta8ing the ne;t 9ive steps that wo27d p2t me at my car door. .!o. I=m not 2pset. I=mH4 I sighed. .I=m not rea77y ready to ma8e those 8inds o9 decisions: Ryan.4 .I 2nderstand. I=m sorry. I 8nowH I=m r2shing yo2.4 .1eah: a 7itt7e:4 I whispered. .I need some processing time. I tho2ght we=d stay in the apartment a whi7e 7onger. 1o2 8now: start there.4 5r2stration coated my words. I thin8 I even h299ed. I 9e7t 7i8e everything was in 9ast*9orward and at any moment: the proverbia7 carpet wo27d get yan8ed o2t 9rom 2nderneath my 9eet. Ryan 7oo8ed con97icted by my reaction. .Come on: 7et=s go 9or a wa78.4 Be too8 me by the hand and 7ed me towards the doc8. /e sat down on the 7ong bench in the shadow o9 the cabin 7ights. .Taryn: since I=ve met yo2: I=ve been thin8ing a 7ot abo2t the 92t2re.4 Be scratched his 9orehead be9ore 7oo8ing me in the eyes again. .I can=t he7p it.4 Ryan pic8ed 2p my hand and twined o2r 9ingers together. ./hen I was o2t there on the 7a8e today: a77 I co27d thin8 abo2t was b2i7ding a ho2se right over there in that c7earing. I co27d see it a77 in my head. ) big 7og sided home with a private gated entrance. ) boat doc8 over there >2tting o2t on the water. ) sma77 boat ho2se to 8eep a boat in. . 2t a77 those tho2ghts in lude you. I=m not thin8ing abo2t me anymore: I=m thin8ing abo2t 2s. )nd maybe I=m r2shing those tho2ghts: b2t I 8now what I want. .I 2nderstand i9 yo2=re not ready 9or a77 o9 that >2st yet: b2t I want to 8now i9 yo2 can pict2re it too. Is that something yo2 want34 I 7oo8ed in his eyes when I spo8e. .1es: very m2ch so.4 Be 7et o2t a big sigh and smi7ed. .That=s good to 8now. Then were on the same page. . 2tH 7ast night when we were ta78ing o2t on the beach: yo2 sort o9 c7ammed 2p on

me:4 he sighed. . e9ore we go onH we77: I >2st want to ma8e s2re that we want the same things.4 .I=m pretty s2re we do:4 I said so9t7y. .Then why did yo2 get distant on me 7ast night34 I tho2ght abo2t what his mother said to me this a9ternoon. I had to stop 9earing that he=d r2n away i9 I ta78ed abo2t my 9ee7ings open7y with him. Ryan s<2eeDed my hand to get my attention. I too8 a deep breath and 7oo8ed at him. .Ryan: I=ve heard the words GI 7ove yo2= be9ore: and every time I be7ieved them they >2st t2rned o2t to be nothing more than words. I need more time to 8now that I can re7y on yo2 when yo2 te77 me yo2 7ove me. I haven=t had the best o9 72c8 in re7ationships.4 .-e neither:4 he inter>ected. .Then why are we r2shing it34 Ryan stared down at his 9eet: r2bbing his snea8er over the 8not in the wooden p7an8. Be p2rsed his 7ips and shr2gged. .I don=t 8now:4 he m2ttered. .I g2ess I=m >2st ready to get on with the ne;t

Chapter o9 my 7i9e. I=ve been 7iving 7i8e a nomad 9or the 7ast two years. It=s rea77y starting to get to me.4 I 8new he was 7one7y and terrib7y iso7ated by this s2dden: overwhe7ming 9ame. I had been s2rviving in 7one7iness 9or months myse79. .Last night yo2 said some things.4 I wigg7ed 2ncom9ortab7y on the bench: meas2ring my words. .I need to 8now that it=s tr27y me that yo2 want: and not >2st the idea o9 a 7i9e with someone li"e me that=s driving yo2.4 Ryan ro77ed his gaDe bac8 to me. Be stared at my 9ace 9or a moment be9ore he spo8e. I 9e7t as i9 I was missing some obvio2s point. .Taryn: it is yo2 that I wantE4 Be 7a2ghed 7ight7y: 7i8e I was being si77y again. .5ou are the reason I=m even thin8ing abo2t a77 o9 these thingsE I >2st want to be s2re that we are heading in the same direction: that=s a77.4 I tho2ght abo2t severa7 di99erent directions we co27d act2a77y head to. I didn=t want to ass2me. ./e77: since yo2=ve mentioned words 7i8e married be9ore: I g2ess I don=t need to 9ee7 9rightened to bring it 2p.4 .!o: yo2 don=t:4 he con9irmed gent7y. .Chi7dren34 .That too:4 he said with a so9t smi7e. .I9 those are the things that yo2 want too: then I=d say we are heading in the same direction.4 I 7oo8ed him in the eyes. Ryan nodded. .Then 7et=s >2st 7et it grow nat2ra77y:4 I so9t7y p7eaded. .?8ay:4 he whispered: agreeing with me. ) 7ight breeDe b7ew across the water: sending a chi77 thro2gh my body. I sh2ddered: wishing we were sitting in 9ront o9 the 9ire pit having this conversation. .)re yo2 co7d34 Ryan as8ed: wrapping his arm aro2nd me. Be r2bbed my arm to warm me. -y teeth chattered together as I sni99ed in some chi77y air. .I2st a 7itt7e.4 Ryan was sti77 deep in tho2ght. Bis brow was 92rrowed * a te77ta7e sign that he was m277ing over something. I sn2gg7ed deeper into his h2g and waited.

. I=ve been thin8ing abo2t what yo2 said:4 he answered my g7ance. .I 8now it=s easy to toss the phrase GI 7ove yo2= aro2nd. I=ve said that 7ine o2t 7o2d a co2p7e o9 times myse79.4 Be twined o2r 9ingers together again. .)nd I=m s2re gir7s have said the same to yo2:4 I said. .1eah.4 Bis eyes brightened and he 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .Can I te77 yo2 something3 @romise me yo2 won=t 7a2gh.4 I crossed my heart with my 9ingers. .I promise.4 .1o2 8now that 9irst night when we stayed together here in the cabin3 )s sic8 as we were: there was no p7ace on (arth I wo27d have rather been than here with yo2.4 I smi7ed at his statement. .I=d say we got to 8now each other on very intimate 7eve7s that nightE4 .I 8nowE 2t it made me rea7iDe somethingH it made me rea7iDe how com9ortab7e I am with yo2. )nd then that 9irst night I stayed with yo2 in yo2r bed: when I wo8e 2p in the morning ho7ding yo2 I tho2ght: Gthis is the woman I want to wa8e 2p to 9or the rest o9 my 7i9e.= I 8new that be9ore I even 8issed yo2 9or the 9irst time. .(very time I get angry or 2pset: yo2 have this magica7 way o9 bringing me bac8 to (arth. I don=t 8now how yo2 do it: b2t somehow yo2 manage to 8eep me sane.4 .1o2 do the same 9or me: yo2 8now:4 I added. .That=s good to 8nowE4 Be shot me his se;y smir8. Ryan 7i9ted my hand to his 7ips. .So when I say those words to yo2: that is what I tr27y mean. 1o2 need to rea7iDe that who yo2 are: right now: is e;act7y what I want and need.4 -y heart never 9e7t so 9277. I 7oo8ed into his eyes. .!o 9airH yo2 sto7e a77 o9 my 7inesE4 .Ryan: Taryn. 0inner is ready.4 Bis mother sho2ted 9rom the dec8. Ryan 7oo8ed at me. I shoo8 my head <2ic87yC I wasn=t 9inished with o2r conversation. .Start witho2t 2s:4 Ryan ye77ed bac8. .So what e7se is on yo2r mind34 he as8ed. I stared 2p at the stars: watching the 97ashing 7ights o9 an airp7ane as it passed thro2gh the nighttime s8y. It was a good distraction whi7e my mind sorted thro2gh the vario2s insec2rities that have been p7ag2ing me 7ate7y. I was 2ns2re i9 any o9 them were

conversations I wanted to get into right now. Be s<2eeDed me again. .I9 my memory serves me correct7y: it was right a9ter I mentioned 9i7ming Slip"not when yo2 sh2t down on me 7ast night.4 -y head bowed instinctive7y and I sighed. .I=m scaredHRyan:4 I said s7ow7y. .1o2=re going to be on 7ocation more than yo2 wi77 be home 6 wherever home may be. Separation: growing apartH4 I winced. .It=s going to be hard: and I=m a9raid i9 we 9orce o2r re7ationship to be at stages where it hasn=t grown nat2ra77y: we77H4 I 7oo8ed him in the eyes. ./hat happens when yo2=re 9i7ming and yo2 have to do some 7ove scenes with another woman3 /hat i9 her 8iss is what yo2 9ee7 yo2=re missing o2t on3 ?n*set romances happen a77 the time 6 some by accident. 1o2 8now as we77 as I do that it happens. I can=t get it o2t o9 my head that a77 actors end 2p 9a77ing 9or actresses. /hat i9 bar owner 9rom Rhode Is7and isn=t eno2gh34 .Boney: there=s a big di99erence between 8issing yo2 and 9a8ing it 9or 9i7mE4 he 7a2ghed o2t. .I=m getting cast into a 7ot o9 romantic movies: and it=s going to be 2navoidab7e. (veryone wants to see romance. 2t it=s not rea7. It=s not this. /hat yo2 and I haveH this is rea7. 1o2=77 >2st have to tr2st me.4 ./e77 these are a77 the things that I=m thin8ing abo2t. It=s not easy 9or me to tr2st men:4 I whispered. .I 8now. I have to prove that I=m not 7i8e the others. It=s a77 right. I can do that:4 he said: giving me an e7bow n2dge. .Bow abo2t i9 I ca77 yo2 every 9i9teen min2tes to remind yo2 that I=m mad7y in 7ove with yo23 /i77 that wor834 I ro77ed my eyes and 7a2ghed. .I can wear one o9 those iron chastity be7ts i9 it wi77 ma8e yo2 9ee7 better.4 ./o27d yo234 I 8idded bac8. .I=77 have to get yo2 another chain so yo2 can wear the 8ey as a nec87ace.4 I smir8ed. .I don=t want yo2 to thin8 that I=m some insec2re mess. It=s >2st that: we77: this st299 happens: andH4 ./hat abo2t 7etting -arie r2n the p2b34 he <2ic87y s2ggested. (reat' he found another one of my issues% .Ryan: the p2b is my so2rce o9 income. -arie isn=t opposed to ta8ing care o9 things

so I can trave7: b2t honest7y: with or witho2t yo2: I need to maintain my own sense o9 stabi7ity. I=m not going to sit bac8 and do nothing whi7e having a high time spending yo2r money. That=s not me. I=ve got to ho7d my own in this re7ationship.4 Ryan crossed his an87e 2p on his 8nee. .0id yo2 give any more tho2ght to 7easing o2t the 8itchen to Tammy3 Then that=s even more income 9or yo2. (ven i9 Tammy doesn=t 2se it: yo2 can 7ease it o2t to someone e7se.4 .That=s going to ta8e a 7ot o9 money: Ryan. -ore than I can a99ord to spend right now. )nd I 8now what yo2=re going to say.4 .Twenty grand: Taryn: is not a big dea7. I sti77 thin8 that=s a 7ot more than what it sho27d cost >2st to rep7ace the p72mbing. /e can ma8e it 7ega7 i9 yo2 want so yo2 don=t have to worry. ?r we co27d >2st ta8e it o2t in trade.4 Be p277ed me by my sho27der to b2mp me into his chest. I sighed. .Listen Taryn: I=m not going anywhere. So I have to trave7 when I 9i7m. So what. Li8e I said: we both trave7 9rom time to time and then I have a 9ew wee8s o99 here and there. I9 I promise toH s7ow down: wi77 yo2 promise to <2it worrying34 I nodded. .Say itE4 he ta2nted. .I promise:4 I said: 7a2ghing 7ight7y at his 2rging. .?8ayH and I promise too.4 Ryan=s 9ingers 7i9ted my chin. I gaDed 7oving7y into his eyes. Those eyes: so b72e: 9i77ed to the brim with passion and conviction: were abso72te7y mesmeriDing. /e were drawn together by an invisib7e magnetism that reached a77 the way to the core o9 my being. .I 7ove yo2: Taryn Lynn -itche77:4 he said with a smi7e. .I 7ove yo2 too: Ryan /i77iam Christensen.4 )7tho2gh I tho2ght I had been in 7ove be9ore with other men: never did those three 7itt7e words mean so m2ch to me as they did at this moment with this man. The 9ee7ings that 97owed between 2s were nat2ra7 and e99ort7essC as easy as breathing. /hi7e he was 8issing me: I heard his stomach grow7 7o2d7y. ./e better get inside 9or dinner.4 I p277ed him by the hands.

.1o2 8now: when yo2 wa78ed away with yo2r 8eys I tho2ght yo2 were p7anning on speeding o99 in yo2r car.4 .!oE4 I 7a2ghed. .I act2a77y got yo2 a birthday present today. There=s no way I can get it home witho2t yo2 seeing it: so I tho2ght I=d >2st give it to yo2 now.4 I 2n7oc8ed the car and he 7et go o9 my hand. .I got it at the anti<2es store down the road. I hope yo2 7i8e it.4 ./owE Loo8 at thisE It=s an o7d AibsonE4 Bis 9ingers str2mmed over the strings: b2t his ce77 phone b2DDing in his poc8et distracted him. .)hh: I >2st t2rned the damn thing on and a7ready it=s ringing.4 .Be77o3 /ho is this3 ?hH what34 Ryan was short with whoever was on the other 7ine. Be t2rned his sho27der away 9rom me: dropping his voice to a whisper. .I tho2ght I made things per9ect7y c7ear the 7ast time we had this conversation. I to7d yo2H things have changed. Then stop ca77ing me:4 he said <2ite ca77o2s7y. Be t2rned his phone o99 and wa78ed a 9ew 9eet away be9ore noticing that I wasn=t 9o77owing him. Be he7d his hand o2t to me and waited 2nti7 I ca2ght 2p: si7ent7y towing me towards the ho2se. .)re yo2 two a77 right34 (77en as8ed when we entered the 8itchen. .1eah: -om. Taryn and I had some things to disc2ss that were more important than dinner.4 Be pic8ed a piece o9 9ish o99 o9 the p7ate and shoved it in his mo2th. .See this34 he whispered in my ear. .5ami7y: peace: no screaming 9ans: no sec2rity: home*coo8ed mea7s: norma7cy. This is what I want. This is what I miss.4 .I=m g7ad to hear that:4 I said. . eca2se it=s the on7y way I 8now.4 )9ter dinner: I grabbed some b7an8ets and with two open bott7es o9 wine we made o2r way o2t to the bac8yard. Ryan and his 9ather threw more 7ogs on the 9ire: setting a nice b7aDe in the 9ire pit. -i77ions o9 stars dotted the c7ear s8y. I too8 Ryan=s g2itar and so9t7y p7ayed a 9ew chords. ./hat are yo2 p7aying34 Ryan as8ed. .!othingH I >2st had some 7yrics in my head.4 /e too8 t2rns p7aying: each o9 2s adding to the me7ody. /e were trying to come 2p with words that rhymed. )9ter an ho2r: we had written part o9 a songH o2r song.

./hen is yo2r ne;t movie going to start 9i7ming: Son34 i77 as8ed. Ryan stopped p7aying. .Rehearsa7s start Ian2ary %rd. I=77 be 9i7ming in -iami 9or a7most three months:4 he said as he 7oo8ed over at me. ./hat=s the movie ca77ed34 i77 contin2ed. .It=s ca77ed Thousand Miles. It=s a7ready been sched27ed to be re7eased by ne;t !ovember: I g2ess right aro2nd Than8sgiving again.4 ./hat=s the movie abo2t34 his mother as8ed: 9i77ing her wineg7ass. .It=s a drama abo2t an 5 I agent:4 he pointed to himse79: .who vo72nteers to drive his best 9riend=s sister to see her 9iancP who 7ives in the 57orida Jeys. It t2rns o2t that the 9iancP is a seria7 rapist who=s on the r2n. -y character is 9a77ing in 7ove with her the entire trip.4 ./ho are yo2 going to be wor8ing with on this 9i7m34 (77en as8ed. .)ny other big names we might 8now34 .The on7y other part that I 8now that=s been cast is the 7ead actress. I=77 be wor8ing with La2ren. La2ren 0e7aney:4 he <2ic87y added. The sip o9 wine I was ta8ing instant7y b2rned my throat. 7auren# 7i"e e0+girlfriend 7auren# The way he said her name gave me the impression that he e;pected his mother to 8now who he was ta78ing abo2t. Instantaneo2s7y: my eyes shot over to his mother to see her reaction. Ber e;pression was a dead give*a*wayC the mi; o9 shoc8 and panic was evident.

Chapter 22 - Protecte

/e drove direct7y to the airport 9rom the cabin. (ven tho2gh we were two ho2rs northwest o9 Seaport: we were on7y 9orty*9ive min2tes west o9 @rovidence. Ryan made s2re to mention that o2t 7o2d. Since it was 8nown that the airport in @rovidence was the entryQe;it point 9or o2r visiting ce7ebrities: severa7 paparaDDi were on g2ardH waiting 9or any ce7ebrity to pop 2p on their radar. Ryan 8new what was waiting 9or 2s so we said most o9 o2r verba7 goodbyes in the car on the way. The paparaDDi 7anded on 2s 7i8e 97ies: r2ining the 7ast 9ew moments we had together with his parents. /e gave his parents <2ic8 h2gs and 8isses whi7e they retrieved their bags 9rom the tr2n8C the camera 97ashes were disorienting and annoying. The 9ina7 proo9 that Ryan Christensen=s new gir79riend spent the wee8end with his parents was being capt2red digita77y on sti77s and video% Wonderful + more fodder for the gossip maga=ines% I 9e7t 7i8e swinging (77en=s s2itcase aro2nd in a circ7e to see how many paparaDDi I co27d 8noc8 o2t. Ryan was getting angrier by the min2te. I was re7ieved that TS) agents came right over to the car to assist 2s. )s m2ch as we wanted to spend a 9ew e;tra min2tes with his parents: we co27dn=t dawd7e. Baving my pict2re ta8en was a 7ot more to7erab7e than the invasive <2estions and comments that spewed o2t o9 the paparaDDi. Ryan and I >2mped bac8 in the car and as soon as the main tra99ic 7ane was c7ear: we drove o99. ./hen we go to my parent=s 9or Than8sgiving: we=77 need sec2rity:4 he m2ttered: getting over into the proper 7ane to get 2s o2t o9 the airport. .I=77 have a car drop 2s o99.4 The moment we p277ed into the a77ey: the paparaDDi came r2nning. /e <2ic87y 2n7oaded the rest o9 o2r bags and his new g2itar into the 8itchen whi7e the cameras c7ic8ed.

/e were as8ed <2estions 2pon <2estions abo2t o2r wee8end. 0id we have 92n3 /here did we go3 0id we have a nice visit with his parents3 -ing7ed in there were the st2pid <2estionsC one g2y act2a77y as8ed 2s what we tho2ght abo2t the @resident=s stim272s pac8age. Then he as8ed 2s i9 we heard the news abo2t the 7atest ce7ebrity who vo72nteered to be on that te7evision dance show. /hy the hec8 wo27d we answer or respond to <2estions 7i8e that3 Some o9 their <2estions were down right aggravating. ?ne o9 the photographers as8ed Ryan i9 S2Danne 8new that I met his parents and how does she 9ee7 abo2t that3 0id it ma8e her >ea7o2s3 I wanted to te77 them a77 to go to Be77: b2t I 8ept 9oc2sed on getting the car emptied. .!ew door is in:4 Ryan m2ttered. Be was straining to 8eep his mind on other things and he tried to get me to 9oc2s with him. I saw that we had a new stee7 door insta77ed a 9ew 9eet away 9rom the e;isting 8itchen door. /e were so distracted by the paparaDDi that I didn=t even have time to see a77 the progress @ete made on the new wa77 inside. /e drove down the a77ey and crossed over -27berry Street into the open par8ing 7ot. /e were >2st abo2t par8ed when Ryan abr2pt7y s7ammed on the bra8es and p2t the car in reverse. .Ryan3 /hat=s wrong34 It too8 me no time at a77 to 9o77ow his stare. There she was 6 )nge7ica 6 sitting in her 9rea8ing b72e @7ymo2th par8ed cattycorner to the 7ot on -27berry Street. Ryan g2nned the engine and drove bac8 o2t onto the street. . 72e Aran 52ry. /e=re going to ta8e care o9 this shit right now. /hich way to the po7ice station34 Ten min2tes 7ater we wa78ed into the Seaport @o7ice Station. The o99icer in9ormed 2s that they wo27d investigate the matter: b2t we had to go to the co2nty co2rtho2se to app7y 9or a protection 9rom ab2se order. That was not hand7ed by the po7ice. /e wa78ed swi9t7y down the sidewa78 to the co2rtho2se doors. Ryan was wearing dar8 s2ng7asses and tried to 7oo8 inconspic2o2s b2t he co27dn=t go anywhere witho2t being recogniDed. Two 972stered women stopped 2s on the sidewa78 and as8ed him 9or his a2tograph. Ryan momentari7y s7ipped into his peop7e*p7easing mode and even stood and

waited 9or these two annoyances to 9ind something 9or him to write on. Be was so gracio2s. /e too8 the e7evator 2p to the third 97oor o9 the co2rtho2se and 9o2nd the o99ice that was s2pposed to he7p 2s. 5ort2nate7y the o99ice was empty 6 a77 e;cept 9or the two women who wor8ed there. There was an o7der woman with b7eached b7ond hair sitting at a tan meta7 des8 b2sy typing away on a comp2ter. She 7oo8ed 2p at 2s 9or a second and then <2ic87y ret2rned to what she was doing. /e didn=t even <2a7i9y as a distraction 9or her. The other woman sitting behind the co2nter however: who was yo2nger than the 9irst: recogniDed Ryan immediate7y. I co27d te77 6 she 7oo8ed 2p and b7in8ed rapid7y in astonishment. Ber mo2th popped open and 9or a moment I tho2ght she was going to scream. It=s amaDing how <2ic87y peop7e >2mp 9or yo2 when yo2=re a ce7ebrity. I never 8new the power that came with it 2nti7 moments 7i8e these happened. Ryan co27d have as8ed the 7ady behind the co2nter to eat road 8i77 and she probab7y wo27d have ob7iged. I9 yo2 co27d bott7e Ryan=s 9ame and charm into one container: yo2=d have the recipe 9or a 7etha7 weapon. /e comp7eted the paperwor8 in no time and within min2tes we met with the >2dge. .I had her investigated:4 I in9ormed the >2dge. Ryan was s2rprised by this reve7ation: b2t maintained his compos2re. I s<2eeDed his hand. .There=s a restraining order against her in the state o9 Ca7i9ornia 9or sta78ing another ce7ebrity. She was a7so charged with brea8ing and entering into the ce7ebrity=s home. She has physica77y p7aced her hands on -r. Christensen on o2r way into o2r home: and she has been s7eeping in her car o2tside o2r p7ace o9 b2siness: which is a7so where o2r home is. She has 9o77owed me a77 the way to So2th Bampton and repeated7y 7eaves messages 9or him on o2r vehic7e and in o2r mai7.4 ) temporary Restraining ?rder was granted immediate7y: and: a9ter one brie9 three min2te te7ephone conversation between Ryan and the >2dge=s 9o2rteen year o7d da2ghter Mwho happens to be a h2ge Ryan Christensen 9anN: we received the rest o9 the roya7 treatment. /e were in9ormed that a 0ep2ty Sheri99 wo27d serve the order to )nge7ica. ) hearing 9or the permanent restraining order was sched27ed 9or ne;t /ednesday. Ryan and I wo27d both have to appear 9or the hearing. /e 7e9t the co2rtho2se armed with two copies o9 the order * one 9or each o9 2s: and we even received a po7ice escort home. Ryan par8ed my car in the 7ot and we sat and watched as two po7ice cr2isers descended on )nge7ica: b7oc8ing her 9rom 7eaving the spot where she was par8ed: whi7e the

0ep2ty served her the order. ./hat=s happening34 I as8ed o2t 7o2d. ?ne po7ice o99icer had removed her 9rom her car and she was being handc299ed. .I don=t 8now:4 Ryan answered. .Loo8s 7i8e she is getting arrested.4 The paparaDDi had a 9ie7d day ta8ing her pict2re and o2rs as we waited in the car. She was p7aced in the bac8 seat o9 one o9 the po7ice cars whi7e two o99icers searched her @7ymo2th. The photographers: a2tographers: 9i7mers: and 9ans swarmed aro2nd 2s. Ryan and I h2rried 9or the bac8 door o9 the p2b. I >2st didn=t get it anymore. /hat was the p2rpose o9 a77 o9 this attention3 Ryan didn=t stop to give o2t any a2tographs and it wasn=t 7i8e o2r appearance changed one bit 9rom when we had o2r pict2re ta8en 2n7oading the car ear7ier. It was getting ridic27o2s and downright annoying. Is this the way our life would be forever# I c7osed the stee7 8itchen door behind 2s and p2nched in the sec2rity code. Ryan had t2rned the 7ight on: i772minating the new wa77 and door that spanned the 7ength o9 the 8itchen. ./owE4 I breathed o2t. The new thirty 9oot wa77 was de9inite7y a distraction 9or my tho2ghts. I noticed @ete had even painted the new wa77 white. .This 7oo8s rea77y goodE4 Ryan beamed. I was g7ad to see that the new interior door had a 7oc8 on it: b2t Ryan was ab7e to open it. -o2nted on the wa77 inside the ha77way was a new 7ight switch. !e;t to it a 8eypad 9or the new sec2rity system g7owed in the dar8. @ete had even insta77ed an ornate wooden rai7ing where the origina7 wa77 2sed to be. Ryan p277ed the note that was taped ne;t to the 8eypad o99 the wa77. .Ca77 sec2rity co. to program new code 6 new 8eys are on 8itchen co2nter 2pstairs:4 he read a7o2d. .It=s one o=c7oc8 o2t on the /est Coast. 0on=t 9orget yo2 have to ca77 5o77wei7er=s o99ice today.4 I tossed my car 8eys onto the 8itchen tab7e. .Than8s 9or reminding me. /hat wo27d I do witho2t yo234 Be 8issed me <2ic87y. .I don=t 8now3 5orget shit34 I teased him. Be gave me a 7ight shove. .Ca77 the sec2rity company: get 2s hoo8ed 2p. I=77 ca77 5o77wei7er.4 /e went o2r separate ways to ma8e o2r phone ca77s. I programmed the new code into

the pane7 to activate it. Ryan had made o2r dinner p7ans with -r. 5o77wei7er=s assistant and when he came bac8 into the 8itchen he was on the phone with his agent. It was a7most h2moro2s how many phone ca77s we both made. Ryan was d2e bac8 on set 9irst thing in the morningC he ca77ed -i8e to arrange sa9e transportation. I ca77ed -arie to chec8 in on how they were ho7ding 2p. They had >2st gotten home a ha79*ho2r ago and cance77ed on p7aying po8er tonight. Ryan was on the phone with @ete: yapping away on everything 9rom constr2ction to 9ishing. -y 7ast ca77 was to Cory to see i9 he=d be ab7e to start at 9o2r: since I had no va7id reason not to be open tomorrow. I was g7ad that he was wi77ing to wor8 any ho2rs I was ab7e to give him. I even hired his roommate: Trevor: over the phone. I needed someone to card peop7e at the door d2ring the wee8. I wasn=t going to a77ow what happened 7ast T2esday to repeat itse79. I ran downstairs to the get the mai7 and removed my ma8eshi9t cardboard c7osed sign 9rom the window. There was a h2ge pi7e o9 mai7 on my p2b 97oor. There was a7so a 5ed(; pac8age and severa7 bo;es sitting on the bar. I opened a garbage bag and st299ed it with a77 the mai7 and de7iveries so I co27d carry it 2pstairs. .Ryan34 I ca77ed o2t: setting the bag on the 97oor. . athroom:4 he ye77ed. I 8new him and his dai7y ro2tine we77 eno2gh to 8now that at this time o9 the day: he=d be gone 9or a whi7e. I grabbed his ce77 phone o99 the 8itchen tab7e and <2ic87y togg7ed thro2gh his stored n2mbers 7oo8ing 9or 7istings 9or -att and Scott. Be had <2ite a 9ew gir7s= names in his phone: which bothered me to see. )my: randy: Chery7: Aina: BeatherC the 7ist went on and on. The twinge o9 >ea7o2s7y worsened when I passed La2ren 0e7aney=s ce77 n2mber. I was hoping that he=d never want or need to ca77 any o9 those n2mbers ever again. It wo27d be so easy 9or me to de7ete them a77: b2t that wo27d be wrong. ac8 to the tas8 at handH there were a 9ew choices 9or the name Scott b2t on7y one 7isting 9or -att. I <2ic87y wrote his n2mber down on a piece o9 paper and shoved it in my p2rse. I 7oo8ed at the 5ed(; pac8age. It was overnighted 9rom Ca7i9ornia and addressed to /i77iam ai7ey: cQo -itche77=s @2b. I noticed that @ete wrote a note on the bac8 to 7et 2s 8now he signed 9or the pac8age.

.0o yo2 8now a /i77iam ai7ey34 I as8ed: handing the pac8age to Ryan. .1ep. That=s me.4 I m2st have 7oo8ed con92sed. ./hat=s my midd7e name34 he as8ed. ./i77iam.4 ./hat was my dog=s name34 . ai7ey.4 It made sense now. .?8ay: I get the connection b2t why the a7ias3 /hat=s that abo2t34 .It=s my secret name. /e77: one o9 them:4 he admitted. .I can=t 2se my rea7 name on anything. I9 9ans or whoever see Ryan Christensen printed on things * it disappears or becomes p2b7ic 8now7edge. It=s a7so one o9 the names I 2se when I chec8 into hote7s and st299.4 .I noticed yo2r 72ggage had GShe77* (nterprises= on it. Is that an a7ias too34 .1eah: we77: that=s my company name:4 he sighed: scratching his 9orehead. .1o2 have no idea the 7engths peop7e go thro2gh to dig 2p private in9ormation.4 Be p277ed o2t his wa77et and showed me his credit card. .This has my rea7 name on it Gca2se that=s who I am: b2t see 6 2nderneath my name 6 there=s my company name. -y credit card bi77s: my ce77 phone n2mber: are a77 7isted 2nder my company name. It=s the way things have to be to 8eep records private. I9 my 72ggage gets 7ost: no one 8nows it=s mine. -y bags wo27d get shipped to Ca7i9ornia to my manager.4 .?h: that ma8es sense:4 I said: b2t sti77 c2rio2s. .She77* 3 /here did that come 9rom34 Be 7a2ghed. .That=s a mi;t2re o9 a co2p7e o9 things. 5irst o9 a77 it was my dream car: which I now own. Sitting in my dad=s garage is a 200, She7by AT$00 JR. 72e with si7ver stripes. Two h2ndred and eight origina7 mi7es on her. The other reason 9or the name: we77: do yo2 remember o2r conversation abo2t the she77 game34 I nodded: remembering that time in the shower 9ond7y. ./hy not ma8e 9inding me a she77 game too34 Bis 9ace g7owed with his secret. ./henever yo2 trave7 now: yo2=77 have a 9a8e name on yo2r 72ggage. /e=77 have to ta8e a 7oo8 at what yo2 have yo2r name on. @eop7e can hac8 into shit on the Internet 7i8e yo2 wo27dn=t be7ieve.4

I was twir7ing my ce77 phone 2nder my 9ingers whi7e we were ta78ing. I was c2rio2s abo2t something comp7ete7y di99erent 9rom what we were ta78ing abo2t. I p2nched a 9ew b2ttons and waited. Ryan=s phone started to p7ay. The m2sic was 9ami7iar: b2t I didn=t 8now the artist. ./hy are yo2 ca77ing me34 Be 7a2ghed. .I2st c2rio2s:4 I admitted. .That=s my ringtone3 /ho is that34 Be twitched his 7ips and smi7ed. .It=s an o7die. 0id yo2 ever hear o9 Cream34 I nodded. Be pic8ed his phone 2p b2t I stopped him. .!o: waitE I2st 7et it p7ay. I want to hear itE Sunshine of your love3 Is that the name o9 the song34 .1ep. It=s a coo7 song: b2t I never get to hear it Gca2se somebody yo2 and I 8now has iss2es abo2t ca77ing me.4 Be gent7y 8ic8ed my 9oot 2nder the tab7e. Ryan ripped open the tab on the 5ed(; pac8age and p277ed o2t three pac8s o9 paper. (ach pac8 was an inch or two thic8. ./hat=s a77 that34 I as8ed whi7e I d2mped the mai7 o2t o9 the garbage bag onto the tab7e. .Scripts. -ore scripts. /hat the he77 is a77 o9 that34 he ye77ed. I gasped when I saw m27tip7e #;' g7ossy pict2res o9 Ryan and o2r sta78er: )nge7ica: 9rom the day that he posed with her in my p2b. There were a7so g7ossy pict2res o9 Ryan a7oneC most7y side shots o9 him entering thro2gh the bac8 door o9 the p2b. The scariest o9 a77 the photos was a pict2re o9 Ryan and me wa78ing down the sidewa78. )nge7 had scribb7ed o2t my 9ace with a b7ac8 magic mar8er and drew a target on my chest. I a7most passed o2t at the tab7e. I 97ipped one o9 the pict2res over and read the bac8.

I desperate7y separated a77 the pict2res 9rom the pi7e o9 mai7. Ryan=s eyes grew wider and his 9ace t2rned white. (ach pict2re had a handwritten message"

)nd the pict2re o9 me with the b277seye had three words written on the bac8H

Ryan=s 9ace sti77 showed his horror and his 9ingers were 2nsteady as he started to open 2p one o9 the bo;es addressed to him. I heard him gasp in shoc8 again. Inside the bo; was a brown p72sh teddy bear that had a big gash down the 9ront o9 its chest and some o9 the white st299ing was stic8ing o2t. There was tape across the opening. The note inside the bo; read .I=m bro8en*hearted witho2t yo2.4 The other bo;es had the same handwriting on them. Ryan didn=t to2ch them. Be shoved it a77 bac8 into the garbage bag. I was sha8ing b2t I sti77 had my menta7 9ac27ties. .Ryan: don=t throw any o9 that away. /e=77 need a77 o9 that 9or co2rt.4 In tota7 there were 9o2r pac8ages: seventeen pict2res: three threatening 7etters: and nine greeting cards 9rom her. She even inc72ded what appeared to be drops o9 b7ood in one o9 the cards. Ryan <2ic87y ca77ed his manager. .0avid: I want private sec2rity immediate7y 9or Taryn. I want someone posted inside her b2siness d2ring wor8ing ho2rs and I want someone to escort her anywhere she has to go when I=m not with her. I=77 a7so be hiring a 7awyer o2t here in Rhode Is7and.4 The on7y thing preventing 2s 9rom both screaming was the 8now7edge that she was in po7ice c2stody at that very moment. The ne;t morning: o2r sched27e <2ic87y shi9ted bac8 to o2r norma7 ro2tine: and I promised Ryan that I wo27dn=t 7eave the b2i7ding. I handed him a to*go c2p o9 co99ee and 8issed him goodbye in the ha77way. -i8e shie7ded Ryan as he c7imbed into the bac8 seat o9 the car sent to de7iver him sa9e7y to the set: and the paparaDDi were waiting to ta8e his pict2re the min2te he stepped o2t the door.

I was menta77y preparing to open the p2b bac8 2p 9or b2siness and reviewing the preca2tions I needed to get in p7ace be9ore I 2n7oc8ed the 9ront door. 0espite a77 the terri9ying circ2mstances 9rom yesterday: I a7so had a top*secret birthday party to p7an. .Bi: is this -att34 I as8ed hesitant7y: staring at the piece o9 paper that contained the phone n2mber I sto7e 9rom Ryan=s ce77. .1eah3 /ho=s this34 he rep7ied. .-y name is Taryn. Taryn -itche77. 0o yo2 8now who I am34 I didn=t 8now i9 Ryan=s 9riends 8ept tabs on the news. .!o. Sho27d I34 he as8ed de9ensive7y. .Bow can I say this witho2t yo2 hanging 2p on me. )re yo2 near a comp2ter34 ./hat34 -att <2estioned. .0o yo2 have access to a comp2ter34 I as8ed again. .1eah. I=m sitting in 9ront o9 one. /hy34 he as8ed. .@7ease go on the Internet and search my name.4 I spe77ed my 9277 name 9or him so he=d get it right. .)we: come onE Can=t yo2 peop7e >2st 7eave him a7one34 -att groaned. I 8new by his response that he 9o2nd me. .-att: p7ease: >2st 7isten to me. It=s rea77y Taryn -itche77 ca77ing yo2. 1o2r 7ong time 9riend Ryan is 7iving with me in Rhode Is7and.4 . 277shitE4 he rep7ied. .!o: 9or rea7. I am te77ing yo2 the tr2th.4 .I=m not convinced: b2t I=m g7ad to see Ry=s got a smo8ing*hot gir79riend.4 .Than8s. I=77 ta8e that as a comp7iment.4 I remembered a 92nny story Ryan to7d me abo2t -att. .?8ay: how is this 9or convincing3 Sitting 2nder a car cover in his dad=s garage is a 200, She7by AT$00: b72e with si7ver stripes. 1o2 beg him every time yo2 see him to 7et yo2 drive it b2t he won=t 7et yo2 beca2se yo2 have a habit o9 97ipping cars. 1o2=re the on7y g2y he 8nows that co27d 97ip their mom=s station wagon.4 .BahE4 Be 7a2ghed o2t 7o2d. .Is he there3 Let me ta78 to himE4 .1o2 be7ieve me now34 I ch2c87ed. .!o: he=s not. Be is on set.4 I e;p7ained that I wanted him and Scott to come to the s2rprise party.

I ca77ed Je77y ne;t. I needed a devio2s p7an to get the entire cast to my p7ace 9or Ryan=s birthday. She said she=d get word to the director thro2gh Ca7. The 7ast ca77 I made: which I p2rpose7y saved 9or 7ast: was to a 7awyer in @rovidence. .I have to be on set at that time: Boney: so yo2=77 have to go to the 7awyer witho2t me:4 Ryan said when he ca77ed me at 72nchtime. .Un7ess yo2 can change the appointment to another time when I can go34 .!o: that=s o8ay. I can go by myse79. I=77 ta8e care o9 it. The 7awyer said that both o9 2s don=t need to be there.4 .1o2 won=t be going anywhere by yo2rse79:4 he stated with a2thority. .The Sec2rity Company is sending someone over now. They to7d me somebody sho27d be there this a9ternoon. I=77 see yo2 tonight.4 ) 9ew moments 7ater the p2b doorbe77 rang. I ran downstairs e;pecting to 9ind an o7der: 9ather type bodyg2ard: b2t instead there was a 5ed(; de7iveryman at my door. Be handed me a 7etter*siDe pac8age addressed to Taryn L. -itche77. It was 9rom a ban8 in Sio2; 5a77s: So2th 0a8ota. I tore open the Dip tapeC inside was another enve7ope that contained a new p7atin2m credit card with Taryn L. -itche77: She77* (nterprises embossed on it. -y 9ace twisted in anger as I tossed the pac8age onto the 8itchen tab7e. Ryan and I wo27d de9inite7y have a disc2ssion abo2t this one when he got home. It was a7most two o=c7oc8 when my doorbe77 rang again. This time there was an 2nbe7ievab7y gorgeo2s yo2ng man standing at my door. Be was wearing a b7ac8 7eather >ac8et: b72e >eans: and si7ver*rimmed ?a87ey s2ng7asses. Be had Beath Ledger=s 9ace and Fin 0iese7=s body: with sandy b7ond hair. I was tempted to r2b my eyes. @art o9 my brain was a7ready b2rning in Be77. .Aood a9ternoon: -s. -itche773 I=m Jy7e Trent: @rotection Services.4 Be he7d his hand o2t to greet me. .Bi. It=s nice to meet yo2. Come in. @7ease: ca77 me Taryn.4 I swa77owed hard when he 2nDipped his >ac8et. The scent o9 his 7eather >ac8et and co7ogne permeated the air. I noticed that his chest was chise7ed 2nderneath his 9itted b7ac8 T*shirt and he was wearing a concea7ed pisto7 2nder his right armpit. Why ouldnt the Se urity ,ompany send me an old guy# )oly shit, hes young and gorgeous% This is not good%

/e sat at the 7arge tab7e in the midd7e o9 the p2b to have o2r 9irst meeting. Jy7e to7d me that he was a third degree b7ac8 be7t: a weapons specia7ist: and a trainer within his agency. I tried to stay engaged in the conversation: b2t my mind 8ept on wandering. I 9o2nd myse79 staring at his 7ips. I in9ormed him o9 my c2rrent sit2ation: 9i77ing him in on the necessary detai7s abo2t the ce7ebrity I was dating and o2r 2nwanted sta78er. I showed him a pict2re o9 )nge7ica. Jy7e was very easy to ta78 to. Be to7d me that he 7ives >2st on the other side o9 @rovidence in a sma77 town in -assach2setts: so it didn=t ta8e him very 7ong to drive here. Be did an inspection o9 the p2b: 9ami7iariDing himse79 with the 7ayo2t: sec2rity systems: and e;its. /e ended with a to2r o9 the apartment. It 9e7t aw8ward 6 a7most 7i8e I was committing a sin 6 to have Jy7e in my apartment. Ryan had hired him: so it wasn=t 7i8e I 9o2nd this tota77y gorgeo2s man on my own and invited him 2p 9or a c2p o9 co99ee: b2t something sti77 gnawed at my g2t. It co27d on7y be g2i7t that tormented meC g2i7t 9or a77owing my eyes to 7oo8 at another man. I had to get him o2t o9 my apartment 6 9ast. Severa7 9ema7e 9ans were a7ready waiting o2tside on my sidewa78: b2t I wasn=t going to open 2nti7 Cory and his roommate: Trevor showed 2p. I introd2ced the g2ys to my new bodyg2ard and 9i77ed them in on why Jy7e was hired. Cory 7oo8ed at me odd7y and then shoo8 his head. I wondered i9 he was worried abo2t o2r sta78er: b2t soon the meaning behind his attit2de became more evident when he hand*carried three new cases o9 beer o2t to the bar: 97e;ing his arm m2sc7es a7ong the way. Trevor too8 a seat at the 9ront door to I0 everyone who came into the p2b. S2re eno2gh: ha79 a doDen gir7s wa78ed into the bar. It 2pset me to see that Ryan=s 9ans >2st didn=t 8now when to <2it. -arie stopped abr2pt7y and gasped when she saw my new bodyg2ard 9or the 9irst time. .1o2 are so screwed:4 she whispered at me in passing. Ber eyes 97ic8ered over at Jy7e: who was sitting at the edge o9 the bar: 8eeping watch 7i8e a haw8. .I 8now. Ryan is not going to be happy when he sees him:4 I whispered. .Bow o7d is he34 -arie as8ed. .Be to7d me he=s twenty nine:4 I m2ttered private7y.

.-arried34 I shoo8 my head no. It was a 9ew min2tes a9ter nine when my ce77 phone p7ayed Ryan=s ringtone in my poc8et. .Be=s home now:4 I said to -arie. Ryan: o9 co2rse: wanted to meet my new protector. /e a77 met downstairs in the p2b 8itchen. I2st as I had s2spected: Ryan morphed 9rom being happy to be home to >ea7o2s and pissed in an instant. I h2gged and 8issed Ryan <2ic87y when he came thro2gh the door. I p2rpose7y did this in 9ront o9 Jy7e with the intent to send a message to both men e;act7y where my 7oya7ties 7ie. I t2c8ed my 9ingers into Ryan=s bac8 poc8et and he7d on to him the who7e time that we ta78ed to Jy7e. )9ter o2r meeting: I too8 Ryan by the hand and we went 2pstairs to have dinner together in o2r apartment. Be was <2ietH too <2iet: and I 8new him we77 eno2gh to 8now why. I stood 2p and repositioned myse79 on his 7ap: stradd7ing him to get his 9277 attention. That made a smi7e appear on his 7ips. I too8 his 9ace in my hands and 8issed him sens2a77y on his chee8. .Bow was yo2r day34 .It was a77 right:4 he m2ttered. I 8new he was 7ying. I gave him a smir8 to 7et him 8now I wasn=t b2ying it. Be p2rsed his 7ips. .I 8ept messing 2p my 7ines. I had a hard time concentrating today.4 Be shoo8 his head in disg2st. -y hands massaged his sho27ders. .Today is over. @2t it behind yo2. Things wi77 be better tomorrow: yo2=77 see:4 I whispered in his ear. Be gave me a brie9 smi7e: his sho27ders s72mped in de9eat. Be ran his warm hands over my bac8. I 9o2nd myse79 getting aro2sed by trying to get him in a better mood. I nibb7ed his ear. Be 7et o2t a p7eas2rab7e moan. Bis hands s7id 9orward over my ribsC his th2mbs r2bbed over my breasts. -y body instant7y ting7ed 9rom his to2ch. .-r. Christensen:4 I m2rm2red on his 7ips: .yo2r presence is re<2ested in the bedroom.4

Be smi7ed be9ore 7oc8ing his 7ips to mine. Twenty min2tes 7ater I res2med my position behind the bar with a sm2g smi7e on my 9ace. /hen I 7e9t Ryan: he sti77 had his >eans wrapped aro2nd his 7e9t an87e and he was 7ying 97at on his bac8 on the bed. I was p7easant7y s2rprised when Ryan came down to the p2b a 7itt7e whi7e 7ater. Be was wearing my tattered -itche77=s @2b baseba77 hat and a satis9ied grin. It p7eased me to see him wearing another one o9 my possessions. Be too8 a seat ne;t to Jy7e and never too8 his eyes o99 o9 me 9or the rest o9 the night. Jy7e stopped every gir7 that stepped 2p to Ryan and po7ite7y as8ed them to 7eave -r. Christensen a7one. Jy7e a7so shooed away every gir7 that was brave eno2gh to approach him as we77. I had a new appreciation 9or my bodyg2ard. So did Ryan. The ne;t morning: Jy7e arrived e;act7y as sched27ed to drive me to the 7awyer. Be p7aced the bo; o9 evidence Ryan and I had gathered 9rom o2r sta78er in the tr2n8 o9 the car be9ore escorting me o2t o9 the p2b sa9e7y. I 9e7t his hand press in my 7ower bac8 as he he7d the car door open 9or me. Bis co7ogne was so9t and masc27ine and wrapped my head in con92sing tho2ghts. The paparaDDi thoro2gh7y 7oved the new image in their 7enses. ?nce I was 9inished meeting with o2r new 7awyer: Jy7e drove me bac8 to the p2b and escorted me into the b2i7ding. The paparaDDi were re7ent7ess with their aggravating <2estions: a7tho2gh I thin8 it was apparent to them that Jy7e was a bodyg2ard by the way he shie7ded me. Jy7e did a sa9ety sweep o9 the p2b: the bathrooms: and my apartment be9ore 7eaving me a7one 9or the a9ternoon. Be wo27d ret2rn be9ore 9o2r o=c7oc8 when I opened to the p2b7ic. )9ter Ryan came home and we had dinner together: I res2med my spot behind the bar. Ryan event2a77y came downstairs into the p2b and sat ne;t to Jy7e. -y bodyg2ard was e;ce77ent at 8eeping the 2nwanted women at bay. 5ina77y Ryan was ab7e to >2st hang o2t and drin8 a beer whi7e watching sports on the big screenH >2st 7i8e a norma7 person. That sti77 didn=t stop women 9rom ta8ing pict2res o9 him with their camera phones. Ryan was in mid sentence: te77ing me a 92nny story abo2t what Jat did on set this morning: when I noticed a gro2p o9 women wa78 into the bar. ?ne partic27ar woman stood o2t 6 the one with 8in8y*c2r7y hair and eyes 7i8e the devi7. .?h my Aod: RyanE4 I gasped. .She >2st wa78ed inE R2nE4 I ordered.

.Jy7eE That=s herE4 Ryan breathed o2t as he stood 2pC his haste ca2sed his barstoo7 to tip bac8 and tang7e in his 7egs. Ryan=s body st2mb7ed bac8wards into mine. I ca2ght him inept7y in my arms as his o99*ba7ance body weight p2shed me bac8 into the wa77. /e both 7oo8ed on in terror as )nge7ica made her approach. She was heading straight 9or Ryan and meC her eyes never 7e9t 2s. Ber s8in was sa77ow and the dar8 circ7es 2nder her eyes made her 7oo8 even more menacing in the dimmed p2b 7ighting. She was on a mission and nothing was going to stop her. Jy7e moved so 9ast that it was hard to discern his actions. /ith one precise stri8e: he p7aced her in an arm and head7oc8C a sp7it second 7ater she was 9ace down on the gro2nd. /ith e;pert movements: he had her hands restrained behind her bac8. .RyanE /hy are yo2 doing this to me34 )nge7ica cried and screamed. .I 7ove yo2E4 she ye77ed. .That bitch has brainwashed yo2E I=m gonna 8i77 herE4 -y 9ingers tremb7ed as I p277ed my ce77 phone o2t o9 my poc8et and dia7ed &11.

Ryan was granted the morning o99 9rom 9i7ming on the day o9 the co2rt hearing. Be p2t on his s2it >ac8et and I wore my nice dress pants and a cream co7ored sweater 2nderneath my b7ac8 s2ede coat. I 8new we=d be photographed and 9i7med re7ent7ess7y. Ryan=s manager arranged to have a sec2rity team escort 2s in and o2t o9 the co2rtho2se. Ryan and I sc2rried into the 7arge: b7ac8 SUF that waited 9or 2s in the a77eyway. Jy7e and -i8e: o2r bodyg2ards: shie7ded 2s as we c7imbed into the vehic7e. 0irect7y behind o2r car was another b7ac8 SUF with additiona7 sec2rity g2ards. Ryan=s @2b7icist: -ar7a: was a7ready seated in the other car. Reporters: photographers: and 9ans were 7ined 2p o2tside the co2rtho2se when we arrived. @eop7e were sho2ting and screaming at o2r car. It was p2re chaos. .?nce Team two is in p7ace we wi77 e;it:4 -i8e in9ormed 9rom the 9ront seat. Be p2shed his comm2nication earpiece deeper into his ear. I was sandwiched in the bac8 seat between Ryan and Jy7e. 0espite how sa9e I sho27d have 9e7t sitting between these two men: I co27dn=t stop myse79 9rom tremb7ing. Jy7e sighed then patted and r2bbed my 9orearm to reass2re me. Ryan g7ared at Jy7e=s gest2re. Be gathered one o9 my sha8ing hands in his and raised

it to his 7ips. .It wi77 be o8ay: Boney:4 Ryan whispered: p277ing me c7oser. ./e=77 get thro2gh this.4 Reporters attempted to interview 2s as we e;ited the car. Ryan and I 8ept o2r attention 9oc2sed on getting thro2gh the co2rtho2se doors. Co2rt o99icers and private sec2rity s2rro2nded 2s as we entered the b2i7ding. -i8e and Jy7e: min2s their 9irearms: escorted 2s to co2rtroom n2mber three. !ot on7y was Jy7e protecting me: today he wo27d a7so be a witness. Ryan and I were seated at a 7arge wooden tab7e that 9aced the raised dar8 oa8 bench where the >2dge wo27d sit. ?2r attorney was a7ready seatedC the bo; o9 scary evidence was setting on the 97oor ne;t to him. Cory and -arie were seated in the 9irst row behind 2s. They too were witnesses to )nge7ica=s threats. Sitting at the other tab7e across 9rom 2s was )nge7ica=s attorney. ?2r 7awyer 7eaned over and in9ormed 2s that she wo27d be 2sing the @2b7ic 0e9ender=s o99ice to represent her case today. ?ne ma7e and one 9ema7e po7ice o99icer escorted )nge7ica into the co2rtroom. She was wearing an orange co7ored prison o2t9it and her arms were handc299ed to a chain that wrapped aro2nd her waist. Ber an87es were shac87ed. She didn=t 7oo8 at 2s when she entered. )nge7ica=s hair was a77 disheve7ed: stic8ing o2t in a77 directions. The circ7es 2nder her eyes were deep and p2rp7e: ma8ing the star8ness o9 her ye77ow s8in even more prono2nced. .)77 riseE4 the co2rt c7er8 anno2nced. .Co2rt is now in session. The honorab7e I2dge rian Je77er presiding.4 The co2rt proceedings were 7ong and tedio2s. ?2r attorney had to present each 7etter: pict2re: and pac8age separate7y and one*by*one they were a77 entered in as evidence. I even provided a copy o9 the pict2re o9 )nge7ica grabbing Ryan=s arm when we went to Ca7 and Je77y=s. That pict2re o9 her attac8 was in every magaDine and sp7attered a77 over the Internet news. ?2r attorney in9ormed 2s that he had to present every piece o9 evidence care9277y so that )nge7ica=s actions wo27d be deemed a credib7e threat to o2r sa9ety. (ach one o9 o2r witnesses was ca77ed 2pon to testi9y that they indeed heard )nge7ica threaten to 8i77 me.

Ber p2b7ic de9ender tried to cross*e;amine o2r witnesses: b2t it did her case no good to do so. ?2r attorney p7ayed the &11 a2dio tape recording o9 my ca77 to po7ice the night she came into the p2b. I sh2ddered: 7istening to my panic8ed voice begging 9or po7ice to come immediate7y and )nge7ica=s rant in the bac8gro2nd as she threatened to s7ice me into pieces. I cho8ed into tears whi7e the nightmare o9 that evening rep7ayed in my tho2ghts. Ryan s<2eeDed my hand tight7y 2nder the tab7e. /e sat and 7istened as each o9 her 7etters was read o2t 7o2d to the >2dge. The content o9 her 7etters was e<2a77y dist2rbing. This de72ded woman act2a77y tho2ght she was resc2ing Ryan 9rom the s72ts who were r2ining his career and stea7ing his 7ove away 9rom her. The >2dge <2estioned )nge7ica direct7y: as8ing her to e;p7ain her behavior. She 7oo8ed at Ryan: b2t he 7oo8ed away. .Be hid messages in his movie 9or me. Be 8new I was smart eno2gh to 9ig2re them o2t. Be didn=t want the others to 8now that he was in 7ove with me:4 she whispered. .I >2st want to protect him: b2t she made him 7eave 9or three days so she co27d brainwash him.4 )nge7ica pointed at me. .She=s a9raid he=s going to 7eave her 9or meE That=s why she craw7ed into his head: 7i8e a worm: and t2rned him against me.4 It was hard to breathe whi7e she spo8e. This gir7 was the poster chi7d 9or modern day horror movies. She was the reason nightmares e;isted in the 9irst p7ace. The >2dge de7iberated with the 7awyers and then de7ivered his verdict. ) permanent no contact restraining order was granted and in e99ect immediate7y. She was in9ormed that it meant that she co27d not mai7: emai7: ca77: te;t: or send anything. )ny attempt to contact either one o9 2s: inter9ere with 2s or any member o9 o2r 9ami7ies: o2r 9riends: and 9e77ow emp7oyees wo27d be deemed a vio7ation o9 the order. She was instr2cted to remain no 7ess than 9ive h2ndred yards: or ro2gh7y a <2arter o9 a mi7e away 9rom 2s at a77 times. The >2dge a7so ordered that she be s2b>ected to a psychiatric eva72ation. )nother hearing wo27d be sched27ed to sentence her 9or the vio7ation o9 the temporary restraining order. .Is that it34 I so9t7y as8ed o2r 7awyer. .1es. She=77 be incarcerated 9or a whi7e:4 he rep7ied. .I wi77 represent yo2 when she is sentenced 9or the @5) vio7ation. 1o2 don=t need to be present 9or that. I=m s2re this was tra2matic eno2gh 9or yo2.4

Ryan and I received new copies o9 the permanent restraining order: and with that o2r day in co2rt was over. ?2r 7ast h2rd7e was sti77 ahead o9 2sH getting thro2gh the ga2nt7et o9 reporters and paparaDDi that waited o2tside the co2rtho2se doors.

Chapter 23 - Ce"ebration

.0o we have to be <2iet34 Ryan=s 9riend Scott as8ed o2t 7o2d. .!o. Be wo27d be s2spicio2s i9 the bar was <2iet:4 I said. I was g7ad that we had a separate entrance 9rom the bac8 door to o2r apartment now. Ryan wo27d never see everyone gathered in the p2b 2nti7 I bro2ght him downstairs. Be a7so wo27d have no reason to 7oo8 in the g2estroom and accidenta77y see his 9riends= s2itcases. Tammy had prepared a 7avish b299et o9 9ood and desserts and everyone was snac8ing on the variety o9 hors dLoe2vres scattered a77 aro2nd the bar. )77 o2r 9riends were here: waiting 9or the g2est o9 honor to arrive. I went 2pstairs to wait 9or Ryan and was re7ieved when he 9ina77y came thro2gh the door. I ca77ed -arie <2ic87y to 7et her 8now that Ryan was in the b2i7ding. .Bi Boney:4 he said g72m7y: giving me an 2nenth2siastic 8iss. I 8new why he was sad b2t I co27dn=t r2in the s2rprise. ./hat=s wrong3 )re yo2 in a bad mood34 I as8ed: even tho2gh I 8new he=d be 7i8e this. .Sort o9. )ct2a77y I=m pissed. I tho2ght these peop7e were my 9riends. Ca7 and Je77y are going to meet 2s at the resta2rant b2t everyone e7se had p7ans or e;c2ses. (ven Jat b7ew me o99E4 .I=m sorry.4 I tried to be sympathetic. .1eah: b2tH ah: it doesn=t matter.4 Be threw his 8eys onto the 8itchen the tab7e. I co27d te77 his 9ee7ings were h2rt. .Tomorrow is o2r 7ast day o9 9i7ming. (veryone is going to be 7eaving. I >2st tho2ght that we co27d a77 get together be9oreH4 I stepped over to him and wrapped my arms aro2nd his waist. .I promise that yo2 wi77 have a good time tonight. /hen we get bac8 9rom dinner: I have a specia7 birthday s2rprise 9or yo2. 1o2=77 >2st have to tr2st me.4 I grinned at him. .Come onH 7et=s go do a 9ew shots be9ore -i8e comes bac8. I=m p7anning on

getting yo2 a77 7i<2ored 2p on yo2r birthday.4 Be re72ctant7y 9o77owed me downstairs: gr2mb7ing the who7e way abo2t how his whac8o 9ans were going to scream when they saw him in the p2b. /e no 7onger had o2r Ryan Christensen 9an b299er wor8ing 9or 2sC Ryan had dismissed Jy7e 9rom being my bodyg2ard as soon as the co2rt proceedings were over and )nge7ica was 7oc8ed 2p. I ignored his be77yaching and dia7ed @ete=s n2mber. That was the signa7 that Ryan was on his way. ./hy do I sme77 9ood34 he as8ed when we stepped into the p2b 8itchen. I smi7ed: got behind him: and p2shed his hips so he wo27d go thro2gh the swing door into the p2b. .S2rpriseE Bappy irthdayE4 everyone ye77ed. Ryan=s 9ace 7it 2p when he saw a77 his 9riends that he tho2ght didn=t care abo2t him were gathered and waiting. -ost o9 the prod2ction crew was there as we77. .?8ayE 1o2 got meE4 Ryan admitted. .!o wonder everyone had other p7ans tonightE4 Be went 9rom person to person: giving o2t handsha8es and h2gs. (vent2a77y he noticed his 7ongtime 9riends: -att and Scott: standing by the bar. .Bo7y shitE4 Ryan ye77ed: giving -att a man7y handsha8e and h2g. ./hat the3 /hen the he77 did yo2 g2ys get here34 Ryan=s reaction was e;act7y how I hoped it wo27d be. Be was e7ated and tota77y ta8en by s2rprise. ./e got here this morning:4 -att in9ormed. .1o2r 7ove7y gir79riend over there pic8ed 2s 2p at the airport.4 .)we man: it=s good to see yaE4 Ryan was h2gging Scott now. I stepped over to Ryan and he wrapped his arm aro2nd my sho27der. .I can=t be7ieve yo2 did a77 o9 thisE4 Be gave me a big 8iss. .Bappy irthday: BoneyE4 I beamed. .Bow 7ong are yo2 g2ys going to be in town34 Ryan as8ed -att. ./e 7eave on S2nday:4 -att stated. .)we man: this is too m2chE I can=t be7ieve thisE /here are yo2 staying3 Tar: where are they staying34 ./e=re staying with yo2.4 Scott p2nched him in the arm. .That way we don=t have to drive anywhere to get 7oaded.4

Ryan 7oo8ed at me: apparent7y to get con9irmation that Scott was te77ing the tr2th. .-att and La2ra are going to stay in the g2est room and Scott is going to co2ch s2r9. Their bags are a7ready 2pstairs. I didn=t see the need 9or them to stay at a hote7.4 I shr2gged. Ryan wrapped his arms aro2nd my sho27ders to give me a h2g. .Than8 yo2:4 he whispered in my ear. .I 7ove yo2 so m2chE4 .Come on birthday boyE (veryone=s been waiting 9or yo2. It=s time to get this party startedE4 I t2gged his hand to 9o77ow me. .CoryE 5i77 em 2pE4 I motioned to the stac8 o9 champagne g7asses sitting on the bar. ./aitE I can=t get too wasted tonight. /e have 9ina7 scenes tomorrow:4 Ryan in9ormed. .0id yo2 hear that: Jenneth34 Ca7 sho2ted to the director o9 their movie. .Ryan doesn=t want to get too dr2n8 tonight beca2se he has to wor8 tomorrow.4 Jenneth smi7ed and 7a2ghed o2t 7o2d. .)ct2a77y Ryan: I have a big con9ession to ma8e. /e 6 ahh 6 wrapped today. Tomorrow=s ca77 sheet that yo2 have: it=s a 9a8e. 1o2=re the on7y one who didn=t 8now that today was the 7ast day on 7ocation here.4 ./hat34 Ryan 7oo8ed tota77y con92sed. .So a77 that crap abo2t the wardrobe and then yo2 sent me to the ma8e2p trai7er 6 that was a77 b277shit34 Jenneth grinned and nodded. .I spent two ho2rs sitting in that chairE Two ho2rs whi7e -ia painted meE4 Ryan ye77ed in >est. I started 7a2ghing and pointed over to the poo7room where -ia: the ma8e2p artist who sta77ed him: was standing. .Bey: I had to get yo2 o99 the set somehowE4 Jenneth 7a2ghed. ./ere yo2 in on this too34 Ryan 7oo8ed at me. Bis eyes <2estioned my participation. .In on it34 Jenneth chort7ed. .She orchestrated itE4 .Bey I=m not ta8ing a77 the creditE4 I de9ended. .I had a 7ot o9 wi77ing accomp7ices. (veryone standing in this room was in on it.4 Cory and I handed o2t champagne g7asses to everyone. @ete tapped a spoon on his g7ass to get everyone=s attention. Be raised his g7ass in the air to ma8e a toast. .Bere=s to RyanH ) great man and a great 9riendE -ay yo2 be b7essed with great

hea7thE !o: wait:4 he pa2sed. .I don=t thin8 yo2 need that. 1o2 are pretty hea7thy.4 Be s<2eeDed Ryan=s biceps. Bis eyes scr2nched together to ponder his ne;t statement. ./e77 then: how abo2tH To Ryan: may yo2 be b7essed with great wea7thE !o: come to thin8 o9 it: yo2 are pretty 9i7thy*stin8in= rich tooE4 Ryan started to ch2c87e. Be 7oo8ed s7ight7y embarrassed. .I=ve got itHI=ve got it. Ryan: 9or yo2r birthday: may yo2 be b7essed with the 7ove o9 a great womanE /aitE ShitE 1o2 a7ready have that tooE4 @ete pointed a 9inger at me. ./e77: what the he7734 @ete whined: 9a8ing his disg2st. (veryone 7a2ghed at @ete=s toast. @ete 7oo8ed at the many 9aces in the p2b: waived his g7ass in the air and said: .to Ryan: may yo2 get so dr2n8 tonight that yo2 p28e a77 over yo2rse79: yo2 72c8y bastardE4 .Bere: hereE4 ?2r 9riends raised their g7asses. Ryan too8 me by the hand and we ming7ed with o2r g2ests. Be was an;io2s to ta78 with -att and Scott since he rare7y got to see them. .Ryan: this is my gir79riend: La2ra:4 -att said. La2ra reached o2t and shoo8 Ryan=s hand. I was c2rio2s to see how she wo27d react and I was so re7ieved when she maintained her compos2re. The 7ast thing I wanted was a gigg7ing 9an s7eeping in the room ne;t to o2rs tonight. .-an: where are a77 the sing7e women34 Scott was 7oo8ing aro2nd the p2b. .1o2 ca77 this a party34 he teased Ryan. .La2ra: why don=t yo2 come with me. /e=77 7et the boys catch 2p.4 I patted Ryan on his bac8 and headed over towards my 9riends. .So: yo2=re rea77y dating Ryan Christensen: h2h34 La2ra as8ed. I mis>2dgedH maybe she was a 9an a9ter a773 .So: yo2=re rea77y dating his best 9riend: h2h34 I smi7ed at her. .1eah: I g2ess I amE4 La2ra rea7iDed a7o2d. .0id yo2 see his movie34 I as8ed: ha79 e;pecting her answer. .1ep:4 she nodded and contin2ed <2iet7y: .b2t between yo2 and me: I don=t get what a77 the e;citement is abo2t.4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 7a2gh. ./hat=s so 92nny34 Je77y as8ed.

I 8ept La2ra=s comment to myse79 and introd2ced her to everyone instead. .Ryan said yo2=re coming o2t to L.). with him in 0ecember:4 Je77y stated happi7y. ./e=77 have so m2ch 92nE4 .Je77yH4 I motioned with my head so I co27d spea8 to her private7y. .I need to get a dress 9or the party. 0o yo2 thin8 yo2 can he7p me 9ind something appropriate be9ore yo2 7eave 9or Ca7i9ornia34 I tho2ght abo2t the one and on7y 9orma7 wear shop that I 8new o9: which was ha79way between Seaport and @rovidence. That wo27d be my h2nting gro2nds. ./hy don=t we shop 9or a dress when yo2 come o2t to L.).3 /hat better p7ace to 9ind a designer dress:4 Je77y retorted. .I don=t need a designer dress: I >2st want to 7oo8 nice.4 .1o2=77 be photographed on the arm o9 Ryan Christensen. 1o2 need a designer dress:4 she insisted. .0on=t worry: I=77 ma8e s2re yo2 7oo8 abso72te7y gorgeo2sE4 I g7anced over towards the bar and noticed a pac8 o9 g2ys aro2nd Ryan. They were a77 doing shots again. . en: JennethH get over hereE4 Ryan ye77ed e;2berant7y. .Be is going to p28e tonight i9 he 8eeps that 2pE4 -arie 7a2ghed. .Be won=t be a7one.4 I raised my eyebrows: nodding my head in Ryan=s direction. .All o9 o2r men are over there doing shots. Aood thing none o9 them are driving tonight.4 ./here did yo2 get the c2te bartender: Taryn34 Jat as8ed. -y eyes 97ashed bac8 over to the bar. .That=s Cory. I hired him to wor8 wee8ends: a7tho2gh it=s t2rning o2t to be a7most a 9277 time >ob 9or him now. -arie and I tho2ght Ryan=s 9ans wo27d appreciate 7oo8ing at something other than 2s. )nd to te77 yo2 the tr2th: it=s com9orting to have a man wor8ing here. The scary 9an adoration hasn=t stopped.4 .Spea8ing o9 scary: where are the psycho twins34 -arie as8ed: noting that S2Danne and 5rancesca were absent. .0on=t 8now: don=t rea77y careE4 I admitted. ./e sho27d get everyone eating:4 Tammy advised. I he7ped her 2ncover a77 o9 the hot cha99ing dishes. Soon a 7ong 7ine 9ormed 9or hot 9ood. Ryan b2tted in 7ine behind me. Be wrapped one arm across my chest and whispered in my ear: .Than8 yo2 9or my partyE 1o2 rea77y got me goodE4 Bis 9ree hand patted my rear. -i8e: Ryan=s persona7 g2ard wa78ed 2p to 2s whi7e we were in 7ine.

.A2ess yo2=re not driving 2s to dinner tonight: yo2 7ying S.?. .E4 Ryan teased. .!ot tonight. I=m >2st a g2est. 2t I do need to ta78 to yo2.4 Bis tone became serio2s. .I >2st got a ca77 9rom S2Danne=s driverC she and 5rancesca are on their way. )nd >2st so yo2 8now: they spent some <2a7ity time in the hote7 bar be9ore re<2esting to be driven here.4 Ryan dropped his 9orehead onto my sho27der. I 8new he was st2c8 in a no*win sit2ation. I tender7y patted his hand that rested on my chest. .That=s a77 right. They can come 6 a9ter a77 they were invited. Things are di99erent now.4 Ryan breathed o2t hard on my nec8. I co27d sme77 the whis8ey and beer mi;ed in with his an;iety. /hi7e Ryan and I made o2r p7ates o9 9ood: tho2ghts o9 -i8e=s dedicated service to Ryan 9i77ed my mind. .Ryan: who does -i8e wor8 9or34 Ryan pi7ed some shrimp on his p7ate. .Be wor8s 9or a company ca77ed @SA. I thin8 it stands 9or @rotection Services Aro2p or something 7i8e that. The st2dio hired them. /hy do yo2 as834 .Is this the 9irst time he=s wor8ing 9or yo234 .1eah. Be was assigned to me when we got here. It=s the same company Jy7e wor8s 9or. I g2ess they are g7oba7 or something.4 /e sat down at the tab7e to eat. Be 7oo8ed at me: waiting 9or me to contin2e. .Be is >2st rea77y dedicated to yo2. )nd yo2 seem to have a great re7ationship with him. I was >2st wondering how 7ong he=s been protecting yo2.4 .It=s 92nny yo2 mention that. I=ve a7ready ta78ed to -i8e abo2t wor8ing 9or me.4 Ryan patted me on my thigh and shr2gged. .(verywhere I go I get new peop7e hovering aro2nd me. It=s hard to 9ee7 sa9e when yo2 don=t 8now or tr2st the peop7e who are s2pposed to protect yo2. I wish I didn=t need it.4 Be r2bbed his 9orehead. ./e77: I 7i8e the way -i8e ta8es care o9 yo2. It wo27d ma8e me 9ee7 better to 8now someone 7i8e that was g2arding yo2 9277 time.4 .1eah: I agree.4 Ryan stro8ed my hair. .I=77 see what I can do abo2t it.4 5ran8 and the rest o9 the . eing 5ran84 band started their 9irst set on the stage. I had the vo72me on the so2nd system t2rned down so the m2sic wo27d sti77 roc8 b2t we wo27dn=t need to ye77 at each other to ho7d a conversation.

.1o2 even hired a band34 Ryan as8ed in between ta8ing bites o9 9ood. Be 8ept sha8ing his head. I smi7ed at him whi7e I was sti77 chewing. .Bappy irthday: BoneyE4 .)nd yo2 gave me shit when I bo2ght yo2 earrings.4 Be p2rsed his 7ips. .)nd then yo2 go and do something 7i8e this.4 Be 7oo8ed at me with a serio2s e;pression: even tho2gh I 8new he was teasing. .I=m gonna b2y yo2 rea77y big 9rea8ing diamonds now: >2st to piss yo2 o99.4 Bis abs2rd comment made me ro77 my eyes. I p7aced my hand on his chee8 and gave him a <2ic8 8iss. .0on=t yo2 dareE I don=t want big 9rea8ing diamonds. I >2st want yo2.4 Ryan abr2pt7y p277ed my chair c7oser and stradd7ed his 7egs aro2nd it. Be was gaDing at me intent7y: so I p2t my 9or8 down and gave him my 9277 attention. Be s7id his hand across my bac8 and too8 my chin in his 9ingers. Bis eyes 97ashed to 7oo8 at my 7ips be9ore he 8issed me. .I 7ove yo2:4 he m2rm2red. .!ever do2bt that.4 .Bappy irthday: Ryan:4 S2Danne sho2ted: r2de7y interr2pting o2r moment. She was s72rring her words whi7e she tried to aw8ward7y h2g him. ./e weren=t s2re i9 we were going to ma8e it here tonight.4 Ryan bare7y t2rned aro2nd to than8 them 9or coming. Be nice7y s2ggested they get some 9ood instead o9 drin8ing. .Bey: who=s the hot b7onde34 Scott as8ed Ryan in passing. .1o2 7i8e that34 Ryan teased him. .Ao: have at it. est o9 72c8 to ya.4 Scott eager7y ran o99 in S2Danne=s direction. I 7a2ghed: watching Scott 9o77ow S2Danne 7i8e a desperate dog. I was sti77 m277ing over Scott=s reaction towards S2Danne when I noticed Jy7e standing by the door. Be was ta78ing to -i8e and he a7ready had a beer in his hand. I was s2rprised that I missed his arriva7. I hadn=t e;pected him to show 2p. Ryan did a do2b7e ta8e when he t2rned to see what I was 7oo8ing at. ./hat=s Jy7e doing here34 The way Ryan said it: I 8new he was irritated by Jy7e=s presence. .I invited him:4 I in9ormed. -y words so2nded more 7i8e a con9ession. Ryan g7ared at me.

.I=ve been p7anning yo2r party 9or a 9ew wee8s: h2n:4 I admitted. .I invited him when he was sti77 wor8ing 9or 2s.4 .Bey Ryan: Bappy irthdayE4 Jy7e he7d o2t his hand. I co27d see the hint o9 a cha77enge by his gest2re. .Jy7e:4 Ryan said 97at7y and shoo8 his hand. I watched as both o9 them p2t e;tra e99ort into how hard they s<2eeDed each other=s hand. .Taryn: do yo2 thin8 I co27d ta78 to yo2 9or a sec34 Jy7e motioned 9or me to 9o77ow. ./here are yo2 going34 Ryan as8ed: g7owering at me. .I don=t 8now. Be wants to ta78 to me. I=m going over there:4 I rep7ied: wondering what his new biting tone was a77 abo2t. .BeyE4 Jy7e breathed o2t. .So: how are yo234 .I=m good: than8sE4 I tried to be 9riend7y witho2t appearing over7y e;cited to see him. .Bow are yo234 .I=m 9ine. I=ve >2st been thin8ing abo2t yo2. I=ve been a 7itt7e worried abo2t yo2: act2a77y. /e rea77y didn=t get to ta78 m2ch a9ter the co2rt hearing.4 Jy7e=s eyes 97ashed over to Ryan: who was 7eaning on the bar staring at 2s. .I was hoping that the incident and the co2rt proceedings didn=t sha8e yo2 2p too m2ch. So: yo2=ve been doing a77 right since then34 he as8ed: 9oc2sing a77 o9 his attention bac8 to me. Jy7e was ignoring Ryan=s g7are. I: however: co27d 9ee7 Ryan=s eyes b2rning ho7es in my bac8. I 8new Ryan was a 7itt7e intimidated by Jy7e: b2t sti77 he had no reason to be so >ea7o2s. .I=m 9ine:4 I said cas2a77y. .It was <2ite a tra2matic e;perience: b2t I=m g7ad to say that I haven=t had any nightmares 9rom it. Than8s again 9or being there. I 9e7t very sa9e when yo2 were aro2nd:4 I said: trying to give him a comp7iment. .I appreciate yo2 protecting Ryan and me.4 .1eah: s2re. It=s my >ob:4 he said with a dismissive tone. .)ny other 9ans ca2sing prob7ems 9or yo234 .!o: b2t the bar b2siness has s2re7y pic8ed 2p:4 I wi77ing7y admitted. .I have a doorman on post every night now.4 Jy7e 7a2ghed. .1eah: the sidewa78 o2t there is 9i77ed with disappointment. The 9ans

are heartbro8en that yo2=re c7osed to the p2b7ic tonight.4 .)re there a 7ot o2t there34 I craned my nec8 to see i9 bodies were visib7e on the other side o9 my 9ront window. .@retty many. They=re ho7ding their ?bsession C72b gro2p meeting:4 he snorted. .AreatE !e;t thing yo2 8now they=77 be organiDing 92nd raisers and se77ing ra997e tic8ets.4 .I wonder i9 they=77 be se77ing coo8ies34 Jy7e >o8ed. .I rea77y 7i8e those choco7ate mint ones. They=re good to dip in mi78.4 .I g2ess they can co2nt on yo2r s2pport then: h2h34 I teased. .1o2=re probab7y good 9or two or three bo;es: right34 .S2reE /hy not3 I mean it seems 7i8e a worthwhi7e ca2se.4 Be grinned. I smir8ed at his tiny dig on Ryan. .That band 2p there is rea77y roc8ingE4 Jy7e stated enth2siastica77y. Be was tapping his 9ingers on his beer bott7e. .This is a rea77y nice party yo2 p2t together.4 .Than8sE It was a 7itt7e tric8y: b2t I g2ess I p277ed it o99.4 I g7anced aro2nd at the 7arge gathering. -y p2b was pac8edC everyone seemed to be having a good time. .1o2 8now: my birthday is in )pri7. 5ee7 9ree to throw me a party 7i8e this.4 Jy7e b2mped me with his e7bow as he too8 a sip o9 his beer. .So are yo2 here with a date34 I as8ed: 7oo8ing aro2nd 9or a stray woman. .!o:4 he stated 2ncom9ortab7y. ./hy are yo2 7oo8ing at me 7i8e that34 .I was >2st wondering why someone: 7i8e yo2: doesn=t have a gir79riend: that=s a77.4 Be 7oo8ed at me 7i8e my <2estion was ridic27o2s. .0on=t ma8e that 9ace at meE4 I teased. .So34 .I don=t 8now:4 Jy7e groaned. .-aybe I=m too shy34 I sco99ed. .1eah rightE I don=t thin8 that=s a prob7em 9or yo2.4 .-aybe I=m too pic8y:4 he added: ta8ing another sip o9 his beer. .It=s hard to 9ind the comp7ete pac8age these days.4 ./e77: write down yo2r 7ist o9 re<2irementsC I=m s2re there is a gir7 or two o2t there on the sidewa78 that comes c7ose:4 I >eered. .!ah. I don=t have to wa78 that 9ar to 9ind what I=ve been 7oo8ing 9or:4 he stated direct7y as he 7oo8ed me in the eyes.

I was >2st abo2t to ma8e a witty comebac8 when Jy7e=s smi7e vanished. I 9e7t a hand s7ip aro2nd my e7bowC Ryan was rec7aiming me. .TarynH Boney: there are some peop7e I want to introd2ce yo2 to: i9 yo2=re 9inished with yo2r conversation here34 Ryan in<2ired. The tone o9 his comment c7ear7y indicated I was to end my conversation * now. I was en>oying ta78ing to Jy7e: b2t apparent7y Ryan=s to7erance had reached its 7imit. .I g2ess I=77 ta78 to yo2 7ater:4 Jy7e said: s7ight7y irritated. Be tried to appear 2na99ected by Ryan=s attit2de: b2t the anger and resentment was evident. .(;c2se me: Jy7e. @7ease: en>oy the party.4 I gent7y smi7ed: trying to hide my embarrassment. Ryan too8 my hand and p277ed me a7ong thro2gh the crowd. Be was towing me towards the poo7room: b2t I yan8ed him towards the empty space by the 8itchen door instead. ./hat34 Ryan=s tone was c2rt. ./hat=s the prob7em: Boney34 I as8ed sweet7y: c2rbing the anger that was starting to swe77. It was time 9or 2s to have this disc2ssion. I 7et it go when he 9irst dismissed Jy7e 9rom o2r sec2rity detai7 b2t this >ea7o2s attit2de needed to stop. ./hat do yo2 mean34 Bis eyes scr2nched together: 7oo8ing at me 7i8e he didn=t 2nderstand my <2estion. .I was >2st ta78ing to him. I don=t 2nderstand why yo2=re being 7i8e this:4 I whispered: thin8ing he didn=t tr2st me. .I don=t 7i8e the way he 7oo8s at yo2: a77 right34 he grow7ed. .I don=t get it. Bow does he 7oo8 at me: Ryan34 Be was being ridic27o2s. Be sco99ed at me: 7i8e I was missing the point. ./hat3 1o2 don=t see it3 I=m pretty s2re yo2 8now when yo2=re getting hit on: Taryn.4 I ro77ed my eyes. .@7ease:4 I chided. .I >2st don=t want yo2 to accidenta77y give him the wrong impression: that=s a77:4 he said ca7m7y. I sighed heavi7y. .Ryan: I 7ove yo2. There is no reason 9or yo2 to distr2st me.4 .I tr2st yo2: b2t I don=t tr2st him.4 Ryan nodded his chin in Jy7e=s direction. /hen I 7oo8ed over my sho27der: Jy7e had a coc8y smi7e on his 9ace and he raised his beer bott7e in the air to ac8now7edge 2s.

.1o2 worry over nothing:4 I groaned. .!ow can we go bac8 to having a good time34 .1eah: I g2ess:4 Ryan m2ttered. .I=m sorry.4 .I2st sh2t 2p and 8iss me: yo2 9oo7E4 I teased: s7ipping my 9ingers over the edge o9 the 9ront poc8ets o9 his >eans. .There he isE4 Tammy sho2ted. She h2rried over to where we stood. She grabbed one o9 Ryan=s armsC -arie 9orce9277y removed his other arm 9rom aro2nd my waist. .Time to b7ow o2t yo2r cand7es: irthday oyE4 -arie anno2nced as they ha27ed him o99 to the 9ood tab7e. Tammy had ba8ed an enormo2s birthday ca8e and we a77 sang to Ryan be9ore he b7ew the cand7es o2t. (veryone was having a great timeC peop7e were dancing: shooting poo7: and p7aying darts. Ryan=s 9riends were attempting to get him wasted b2t he reached a point where he re92sed to do any more shots. I did the proper gir79riend thing and stayed away 9rom Jy7e as m2ch as possib7e: even tho2gh he did try to ta78 to me severa7 times. I noticed that S2Danne and 5rancesca sat at the bar a77 night. Cory was 7eaning across the bar: 97irting to2gh with 5rancesca. Be even got away with to2ching her hair a 9ew times. She was smi7ing and pretending to be shy: b2t she was de9inite7y engaging Cory=s advances. Scott and S2Danne were hitting it o99 tremendo2s7y. She was to2ching him: s<2eeDing his arm m2sc7es: and 7a2ghing at everything he said. 0espite o2tward appearances: she sti77 8new where Ryan was at a77 times. It was getting 7ate and many o9 o2r g2ests had a7ready 7e9t. .0o yo2 mind i9 I ta8e o9934 Cory as8ed: his eyes s7id over in 5rancesca=s direction. S2Danne and Scott were practica77y wrest7ing with each otherC they co27dn=t 8eep their hands to themse7ves. 5rancesca stood by the door: waiting impatient7y and staring at Cory whi7e he ta78ed to me. .They invited 2s bac8 to their hote7:4 he admitted. 5or some reason: I wasn=t too s2rprised. .Ao ahead. Bave 92n. /ait: are yo2 driving34 I as8ed. .1eah: it=s o8ay tho2gh: I stopped drin8ing a whi7e ago. I want to remember every detai7 o9 the ne;t co2p7e o9 ho2rs i9 yo2 8now what I meanE4 Cory smi7ed sm2g7y and 97ashed his eyes bac8 to 5rancesca. .I=77 bring Ryan=s b2ddy bac8 tomorrow.4

.Bey where are they going34 Ryan stopped dead in his trac8s and whee7ed aro2nd when he noticed Scott 7eaving. Scott didn=t even ac8now7edge RyanC he was comp7ete7y 9oc2sed on other things. S7ow7y the rest o9 o2r g2ests departed and it was a7most three in the morning when I t2rned o99 the 7ights. I p7anned to c7ean 2p the bar in the morning. I had more important things to ta8e care o9. -att and La2ra were stowed away com9ortab7y in the g2estroom. I c7osed o2r bedroom door and smi7ed in disbe7ie9. -y birthday boy was spraw7ed o2t on o2r bed: wearing nothing b2t his birthday s2it and a s7ight7y dr2n8en grinH waiting 9or his birthday present.

Chapter 2, - Soberin+

./hat the he77 happened to Scott 7ast night34 -att as8ed: st299ing another piece o9 bacon in his mo2th. La2ra was ta8ing her t2rn in the shower. .Be 7e9t with S2Danne:4 Ryan answered. .-aybe she won=t be so bitchy now.4 Be ch2c87ed to himse79. .Bope9277y Cory gave 5ran someone new to thin8 abo2t: too.4 I win8ed. Ryan smi7ed at me over his c2p o9 co99ee. ?nce everyone was showered: dressed: and 9ed I went downstairs to c7ean 2p the p2b. I was c7earing o99 the tab7es when Ryan popped thro2gh the door. Be started to gather the garbage. ./hat can we do to he7p34 La2ra as8ed. I was than8927 that I had wi77ing hands to he7p c7ean 2p the remains o9 Ryan=s birthday party. .I sti77 can=t be7ieve yo2 did thisE4 Ryan said: 8issing me on one o9 his trips past. .Bow 7ong have yo2 been conspiring behind my bac834 he as8ed. .) co2p7e o9 wee8s. 1o2r 9riends were more than wi77ing to be in on the s2rprise.4 .-att to7d me yo2 made him 7oo8 yo2 2p on the Internet:4 Ryan teased. .1eahE Be didn=t be7ieve yo2 had a gir79riendE4 I po8ed him in the stomach and went to answer the doorbe77. .BeyE There they areE4 Ryan=s voice boomed when he saw Cory and Scott wa78 thro2gh the 9ront door. .-anE /hat the he77 is it with a77 the photographers and chic8s o2t there34 Scott motioned with his th2mb: pointing to the door. .0on=t they ever go home34 .!o. They 7ive here now. They=re 7i8e Dombies that don=t die when the s2n comes 2p.4 I 7a2ghed at my own comment. .So how was yo2r night: Scott34 Ryan gave him a teasing n2dge in the arm. Scott=s eyes narrowed. ./hat do yo2 thin83 I made her 92c8ing nightH severa7

timesE4 he boasted. .She=s a screamer: that gir7E4 Be he7d 2p a sma77: white p7astic bag in his hand. .Aood thing we stopped at the dr2g store on o2r way bac8. I=m p7anning on ma8ing her scream again tonight.4 Ryan=s 9ace p2c8ered 2p. Be grabbed Scott=s arm and ha27ed him o99 into the poo7room. I didn=t care m2ch 9or S2Danne: b2t she was Ryan=s co*star and a ce7ebrity * she had no privacy either. There were eno2gh r2mors and scanda7s 97oating aro2nd in the media abo2t the Seaside cast a7ready. S2Danne=s indiscretions didn=t need to be added to the pi7e. I was s2re that Ryan was going to te77 him the same thing. .5rancesca and S2Danne are p7anning on coming here tonight:4 Cory <2iet7y in9ormed me. .I hope yo2 don=t mind.4 I shr2gged and shoo8 my head. It didn=t bother me: as 7ong as 5ran wasn=t here to see Ryan. 2t I was wise eno2gh to 8now things 7i8e this co27d have power927 ripp7e e99ects. .Cory: I=m not going to te77 yo2 what yo2 can and cannot do: b2t yo2 do rea7iDe that 5ran is a ce7ebrity. I hope yo2 8eep yo2r private activities with her private and discreet. Understand34 .1eah: I 2nderstand. I 8now what I=ve gotten myse79 into. 0on=t worry: I=m not going to be 7i8e that g2y and anno2nce st299 to the wor7d.4 Be nodded his head in Scott=s direction. .5rancesca is sweet and I=d never do that to her. 2t I wo27d 7i8e to see her again. )nd she wants to see me too: soH4 Cory shr2gged. .I2st 8eep it private. That=s a77 I as8. /e=re all 2nder the microscope now:4 I stressed my point. .I wi77. Bey: sorry I can=t stay to he7p c7ean 2p. I=ve got to get some s7eep. I=77 see yo2 at 9o2r:4 Cory said: p2tting his s2ng7asses bac8 on. .?h: and be9ore I 9orget: I a7ready ta78ed to my roommate. Be=77 cover the door tonight.4 .0id Cory 7eave34 Ryan as8ed me a 9ew moments 7ater. I nodded. .0amn. I wanted to ta78 to him too.4 I whispered to Ryan. .I ta78ed to him. I reminded him to 8eep his persona7 b2siness private and discreet. 1o2 may want to ta78 with -att and La2ra abo2t con9identia7ity as we77.4 .I a7ready did.4 ) tiny smi7e crac8ed on his 7ips.

The ear7y a9ternoon 97ew by <2ic87y. It too8 2s severa7 ho2rs to c7ean 2p the mess and I mopped a77 the 97oors and even c7eaned the bathrooms. Ryan s2ggested severa7 times that I hire a company to c7ean the bar every day b2t I was 2sed to ta8ing care o9 the gr2nt wor8 on my own. Scott passed o2t in the g2estroom 2pstairsC g2ess he didn=t s7eep m2ch 7ast night either. Ryan: -att: and La2ra were 7o2nging in the 7iving room: watching te7evision. I 7ogged on to the Internet. ./hat are yo2 doing: Boney34 Ryan=s tone indicated his disappointment. .Chec8ing 2p on things.4 ./hy are yo2 7oo8ing34 he groaned: concerned. I 97ashed my eyes 2p to him and 8ept my rep7y <2iet. . eca2se yo2r p2b7ic image is my concern too. e9ore I 9orget to te77 yo2: 5rancesca and S2Danne are coming tonight. /e=re going to need sec2rity in the bar. 0o yo2 want -i8e here34 Ryan didn=t answer. Be >2st wa78ed away. I c7ic8ed a 7in8 and was directed to a gossip magaDine=s website. The head7ine .Ryan Christensen=s Love )99airs4 ca2ght my attention. The site had side*by*side pict2res o9 Ryan and S2Danne 8issing: Ryan and I wa78ing down the sidewa78: and the pict2re o9 him and that gir7 9rom the -anhattan dinner meeting. The story pretty m2ch acc2sed him o9 being a rec87ess p7ayboy. The words .p7ays the 9ie7d4 were inc72ded in the artic7e. I c7ic8ed another 7in8 and was now viewing pict2res o9 Ryan 8issing: smi7ing: 7eaning on: and ho7ding S2Danne. The caption stated that their 7ove a99air was sti77 going strong. I hit the bac8 b2tton and c7ic8ed on another 7in8 6 this one described my new bodyg2ard: Jy7e: being the new man in my 7i9e and how Ryan was 92rio2s and >ea7o2s. There was a pict2re o9 Jy7e and me entering the bac8 door o9 my p2b together. The artic7e posted a random pict2re o9 Ryan 7oo8ing angry ne;t to it. )77 meant to generate shoc8: I s2pposed. The story made it so2nd 7i8e I was cheating on Ryan. The 7ast c7ic8 I made showed a pict2re o9 Ryan and S2Danne sn2gg7ing in a bed. It 7oo8ed 7i8e they were both na8ed: a7tho2gh yo2 co27d on7y see S2Danne=s bare sho27ders. -ost o9 Ryan=s na8ed torso was e;posed. I >2mped when Ryan popped his head ne;t to mine. .T2rn it o99 be9ore I throw the damn 7aptop o2t the window:4 he whispered his angry

threat in my ear. I <2ic87y c7osed the Internet connection. Ryan grabbed me by my wrist and p277ed me o2t o9 the chair. /e h2rried down the ha77way to o2r bedroom. Be shoved the door c7osed behind him with e;tra 9orce and g7ared at me. .Bow 7ong have yo2 been s2r9ing the web 7i8e that34 he grow7ed between his gritted teeth. I didn=t answer. Bis anger ca2ght me o99*g2ard. ./hy the he77 are yo2 7oo8ing 2p shit on the Internet3 0o yo2 need more reasons in yo2r head not to tr2st me34 .@7ease 8eep yo2r voice down. /e have g2ests: remember3 I=m sorry:4 I whispered. I 9e7t terrib7e that I 2pset him. .I am trying so damn hard to ma8e s2re o2r re7ationship stays on trac8: 8nowing 9277 we77 that we have more obstac7es than most. )nd then I see yo2 doing that shitE /hat the 92c8: Taryn34 I didn=t 8now how to 9277y e;p7ain my actions. .I was c2rio2s to see what the p2b7ic was being to7d.4 I was so ashamed my words were bare7y a2dib7e. .I=m sorry. I won=t do it again.4 ./hat e7se do yo2 need to 8now3 This is o2r 7i9e: right hereE It=s happening right nowE I am standing in this room with yo2. I=m not o2t there in those pict2res. I don=t give a damn what the p2b7ic is being to7dE4 ./hat i9 the sit2ation was reversed and the magaDines were printing stories that I=m some whore who=s screwing three di99erent g2ys at once. 1o2 don=t thin8 that wo27d concern you34 I as8ed. . 2t yo2=re notE )nd I certain7y am not doing what they acc2se me o9. I have no contro7 over what trash they print.4 .1es: yo2 do.4 I tho2ght abo2t severa7 ways he co27d get the point across to the wor7d that he was a one*woman 8ind o9 man: that he in 9act was c2rrent7y invo7ved with >2st one woman: b2t he=d have to ma8e that move on his own. .Bow34 Ryan bar8ed. I chic8ened o2t and bit my tong2e. .I tho2ght yo2 had a p2b7icist34 I stated ca7m7y. Be sco99ed. .I9 a77 those Seaside 9ans want to 9antasiDe that I=m act2a77y 7iving the shit

that=s 9i7med: that me and S2Danne are some star*crossed 7overs: what am I s2pposed to do abo2t it3 @2t o2t a p2b7ic statement that they=re a77 de72ded34 Be threw his hands 2p in the air. .)nd that pict2re o9 me and that gir7 9rom !ew 1or8: that 7itt7e pict2re is going to sti77 pop 2p years 9rom now. Those trash magaDines are going to say that I=m cheating on yo2 with her one dayE4 Be too8 a deep breath. .1o2 have to rea7iDe that some o9 that shit is printed speci9ica77y to generate p2b7ic reaction. They wi77 post pict2res o9 me and S2Danne >2st to 8eep the p2b7ic interested in the 9i7m. They wi77 print shit >2st to 8eep my career controversia7 and 9resh. I may be as8ed to do st299 that might 2pset yo2 >2st to pi<2e p2b7ic interest. It=s a77 part o9 the game.4 Be sat down on the bed: 9acing me. .Boney: o2r re7ationship has to be b2i7t on tr2st. That st299 is >2st going to tear it down.4 I 7oo8ed down at my hands. Be was rightC my behavior was incorrigib7e b2t I wasn=t a7one there. Be too8 my hand and pressed it to his chest. .ThisH this is rea7.4 .So i9 yo2r @R team as8s yo2 to screw some actress to pi<2e p2b7ic interest: is that what yo2=re wi77ing do to 8eep yo2r career controversia73 I >2st want to be c7ear on how 9ar yo2=re wi77ing to go.4 Bis tone was angry and sarcastic. .1es: Taryn. I=m going to throw away o2r re7ationship: 9orget that I=m in 7ove with yo2: and screw every woman that throws her 7egs 2p in the air. Is that what yo2 want to hear3 Is that what yo2 need to be7ieve that I tr27y am3 I2st 7i8e yo2r e;*9iancP3 That I=m no di99erent 9rom every other assho7e who has ever cheated on yo234 I 7oo8ed away and winced 9rom the sting o9 his words. That was a 7ow b7ow b2t in a way I deserved it. @ain crac8ed in my chest and the tears o9 shame 9ormed in my eyes. Be stood 2p 9rom the bed and 8ne7t down on the 97oor in 9ront o9 me. .I=m not them: Tar. I don=t 8now what e7se to do to ma8e yo2 have 9aith in me. /hy don=t yo2 tr2st me34 .I do tr2st yo2:4 I m2ttered: wiping the tear 9rom my chee8. .This who7e conversation has nothing to do with tr2st. There are >2st so many other in972ences o2t there.

It=s hard to 8eep 2p with it a77.4 I 7oo8ed him in the eyes. .Ryan: yo2r 7i9e is p2b7ic. I want to 8now what=s being said abo2t yo2. I want to protect yo2 9rom a77 the daggers that are 97ying in yo2r direction. Shie7d yo2 9rom the 7ies.4 I pic8ed a tiss2e o2t o9 the bo; on the nightstand and wiped my 9ace. .1o2 can=t protect me 9rom it * yo2=re way o2tn2mbered:4 he said: de9eated. I too8 a deep breath. .It=s more than that. The other reason I 7oo8 is: sometimes I 9ee7 7i8e I=m 7iving with two peop7eH the man I=m in 7ove with and some other g2y I bare7y 8now. The photo shoots: premiers: p2b7ic appearances: magaDine spreads: interviews: a77 o9 that is in here too.4 I pressed my hand bac8 on his chest. .I 7oo8 so I can 2nderstand it a77C so I can be connected and in 7ove with all o9 yo2.4 Ryan r2bbed his 9ace and sighed. .I didn=t see it that way. I=m sorry I ye77ed at yo2:4 he whispered: staring so7emn7y into my eyes. I sni99ed bac8 my tears and ac8now7edged his apo7ogy with a nod. .I don=t want yo2r mind to get c7o2ded with the 7ies: Taryn. That=s a77.4 Be pic8ed 2p my hand: wrapping it in his. .It=s so easy 9or 9abricated stories to appear be7ievab7e. They even merge pict2res and try to pass them o99 as rea7.4 .Regard7ess Ryan: a77 those real pict2res o9 yo2: a77 those poses: sti77s: and magaDine spreads: those are a77 7itt7e bits and pieces o9 yo2 6 o9 who yo2 are: o9 things yo2=ve been thro2gh: things yo2=ve e;perienced. )77 o9 that is a side o9 yo2 that I don=t 8now. In a way it he7ps me 2nderstand yo2.4 Be breathed o2t another sigh and tapped o2r gathered hands into his 9orehead. Be 7oo8ed 2p into my eyes. .I thin8 this is the part where I apo7ogiDe and we 8iss and ma8e 2p:4 he s2ggested so9t7y. I 9idgeted a bit: sti77 wiping the remnants o9 tears 9rom my chee8s. .I thin8 this is the part where we rea7iDe that we sti77 have a 7ot to 7earn abo2t each other. That it ta8es a 7ot more than physica7 7ove to 8eep peop7e together.4 Be stood 2p in 9ront o9 me: p277ing me 2p o99 the bed by my hands. .1o2=re right:4 he agreed. .I=m so sorry 9or b7owing 2p at yo2.4 .I=m sorry 9or giving yo2 a reason to do so: b2t I hope yo2 see the reasons why I 7oo8 and don=t get 2pset with me i9 I do it again.4

Be shoo8 his head: e;ha7ing harsh7y. .1o2=re going to see st299 and thin8 it=s tr2e. I rea77y wish yo2 wo27dn=t.4 I spent the ne;t 9ew ho2rs trying to 7oo8 happy in 9ront o9 o2r g2ests: care927 not to 7et on that I was sti77 m277ing over the heated disc2ssion he and I had. S2Danne and 5rancesca showed 2p 7ater in the eveningC tonight was their 7ast night in Seaport. oth o9 them had 97ights to catch the ne;t day. Scott was trying to p2mp S2Danne 9277 with shots * I s2ppose to 7oosen her 2p again * however she contin2ed to watch every move that Ryan made. She wo27d 97irt with Scott and then chec8 to see i9 Ryan saw it. Un9ort2nate7y 9or her: Ryan had other things on his mind that he was worrying abo2t * 9ans. It didn=t ta8e 7ong 9or word to get o2t that Ryan Christensen was in -itche77=s @2b again. Air7s started to arrive in droves. Cory=s 9riend Trevor was wor8ing the door 9or me and a9ter a whi7e I had him stop a77owing peop7e inC we were crowded eno2gh with obsessive 9ema7es. Ryan was doing his best to >2st dea7 with it a77. I co27d see he was trying to have 92n and b7end in and not worry abo2t the e;tra attention he was getting: b2t he had to wor8 at it. S2Danne did not 7i8e it at a77 when Scott 7e9t her side to become Ryan=s wingman. I2st standing in c7ose pro;imity to Ryan provided Scott with a hearty se7ection o9 new women to ta78 to. It didn=t ta8e her 7ong to s7ip her way in between Ryan and Scott. .Taryn34 I heard my name ca77ed o2t. It was a 9ema7e voice 6 5rench accent. 5rancesca waved her 9ingers at me. .1es: 5rancesca34 I as8ed: trying to be po7ite. .Can I spea8 to yo2 private7y34 Ber eyes scanned tentative7y 9or my reaction. Ryan: o9 co2rse: noticed 2s wa78ing towards the 8itchen door. I gest2red my con92sion: si7ent7y answering his <2estioning stare. .I >2st want to apo7ogiDe to yo2:4 she said. .I have treated yo2 bad7y and 2n9air7y and I=m very sorry.4 She so2nded sincere. .It=s a77 right:4 I responded: trying to so2nd >2st as sincere. .0on=t worry abo2t it.4 .1o2 probab7y 8now that I have 7i8ed Ryan 9or a 7ong time: b2t I 8now that he does not 9ee7 the same way abo2t me as I do him.4 Ber admission made her stare at the 97oor. .Be deserves to be happy and I can see he is in 7ove with yo2.4 Ber 7ips c2r7ed into a

brie9 smi7e. .I can on7y hope that I too wi77 have that happiness one day.4 .1o2 wi77:4 I ass2red her. .I was wonderingH has Cory said anything to yo2 abo2t me34 Ber <2estion perp7e;ed me 9or a moment. I 9e7t 7i8e we were yo2ng teenagers ta78ing abo2t o2r boy cr2shes and she was searching 9or insider in9ormation. .I thin8 it=s sa9e to say that he 7i8es yo2:4 I to7d her: 9ee7ing s2dden7y 7i8e an o7der sister. .I 7i8e him too: very m2ch. Be is so nice and sweet and handsome: b2tH4 She stopped to ponder. . 2t what34 I as8ed. She twitched: a7most a9raid to contin2e. She didn=t need to. .1o2=re a9raid o9 what the p2b7ic wi77 thin8:4 I stated: pointing o2t the obvio2s. She 7oo8ed at me and nodded. .Bow does he ma8e yo2 9ee734 I <2estioned: 8nowing there was more. 5rancesca smi7ed g7orio2s7y and pressed her hands to her heart. .1o2 deserve to be happy too. )nd the choice is rea77y yo2rs. Cory is very ambitio2s: b2t he wi77 sti77 p2t yo2r needs ahead o9 his own and treat yo2 7i8e go7d. Be=s >2st beginning to 9ind his career direction. )nd he wi77 be s2ccess927 at it. 2t then there=s a7ways the a7ternative choiceH yo2 co27d get invo7ved with some yo2ng: rich g2y who constant7y thin8s that the ne0t gir7 he hoo8s 2p with is going to be even better than yo2.4 I waited 2nti7 she 7oo8ed at me again. .5rancesca: I=m terri9ied abo2t what the p2b7ic thin8s o9 me too:4 I admitted. .I 8now peop7e a77 aro2nd the wor7d 9ee7 that he co27d do better than me: b2t better how3 Someone with more moneyH more 9ame3 )re those the things that tr27y matter when it comes to 7oving someone comp7ete7y and 8nowing that good: bad: or otherwise: they wi77 7ove yo2 >2st as m2ch in ret2rn34 .!o:4 she agreed. .Then go be happyE4 I 7et Cory 7eave ear7y that night.

Ryan was b2sy attempting to coo8 dinner when I >oined him in the 8itchen 7ate S2nday night. Bis 9riends had 7e9t ear7ier in morning 9or their 97ight bac8 to @ittsb2rgh and a9ter 9ive days with ho2se g2ests we were 9ina77y a7one. (ven tho2gh Ryan was sad to see his 9riends go: he 8new he wo27d be seeing them in a 9ew days when we trave7ed to his parents= home 9or Than8sgiving. .Sme77s goodE4 I comp7imented. .!eed he7p34 .!opeE4 Be grinned at me. .I got it a77 2nder contro7.4 I 7a2ghed 2nder my breath on my way to the bedroom. Be was on7y ma8ing hamb2rgers and bo;ed macaroni and cheese: b2t the 8itchen co2nter was a tota7 mess. I grabbed the stac8 o9 scripts 9rom his nightstand and carried them bac8 to the 8itchen. .0id yo2 9inish reading this one34 I g7anced at the tit7e on the 9ront cover. .&ehind the Words34 Be 7oo8ed over his sho27der and sneered. .!o. I co27dn=t 9inish it. It was st2pid. I=m not going to portray a homophobic writer who wants a se; change.4 .I sti77 thin8 yo2 sho27d p2rs2e this oneH The Isletin Solution. This one has ?scar potentia7.4 .I was going to read that one ne;t. /as it good34 he as8ed: 7ic8ing his th2mb. .1o2=re 9inished with it: right34 .1eah: I 9inished it 7ast night a9ter yo2 9e77 as7eep. It was e;ce77entE4 ./hat=s it abo2t34 .It=s the story o9 two Canadian doctors who discovered ins27in and 9orged the way 9or the treatment o9 0iabetes. 1o2 wo27d be per9ect 9or the 7ead ro7e o9 Char7es Berbert est. Be was a physio7ogist and chemist:4 I said: 97ipping thro2gh the script. .It=s based on a tr2e story. It=s written 9rom est=s point o9 view: even tho2gh he wasn=t the 7ead scientist in the discovery.4 .AreatE )nother Char7es character:4 he groaned. .)h: so what. 1o2=re a7ready 2sed to peop7e ca77ing yo2 Char7es:4 I teased. .Bow do yo2 8now a77 o9 that st299 abo2t the characters3 Is it written in the script34 .!o. I researched some o9 it on the net. I was c2rio2s.4 .So yo2 thin8 it=s a good ro7e 9or me34 he as8ed: wiping his wet hands on the dishtowe7 that h2ng over his sho27der.

.I thin8 it=s a per9ect ro7e 9or yo2. 1o2=d be ab7e to show a wider range o9 emotions with this character. There are a 7ot o9 heart*wrenching scenes. They did their research on dogs: and one o9 the dogs that he was rea77y attached to dies.4 .So2nds sad. 1o2 rea77y thin8 it has ?scar potentia734 Be narrowed his eyes on the script. .1eah: I do. The story is very compe77ing and yo2=d p7ay a hero instead o9 an action star:4 I stated. .I vis2a7iDed yo2 in the ro7e the who7e time I read it. It=s a tear*>er8er. This is the type o9 ro7e that wins awards.4 .Since when did yo2 get so 8now7edgeab7e abo2t 9i7ms and awards34 he as8ed in a teasing 9ashion. .Since I started dating this hot movie star who=s getting cast into a77 these romantic popcorn 9i7ms. I=ve >2st been doing research on acting and st299:4 I admitted. ./e77 then: move that one to the top o9 the stac8. I=77 ta78 to )aron and 0avidH see what they thin8.4 .1o2 don=t want to read it 9irst34 I was s2rprised that he was >2st going to ta8e my word 9or it. .I tr2st yo2.4 Be smi7ed. .0id yo2 read this oneH (ordons Way34 I as8ed: peering at it in<2isitive7y. .I haven=t seen this script be9ore.4 .1eah: I read thro2gh it 7ast wee8. It was co2riered to the set. I rea77y 7i8ed that one: b2t )aron to7d me that they a7ready signed Chase /estwood: so that one is o2t.4 .)nd what are yo2r tho2ghts abo2t &ottle of 8ed34 I removed the script 9rom the stac8. It was the 9irst one that I had read. .Lame:4 he answered dry7y. .I agree. ? 6 U 6 T o2t.4 .Sa red Mountain34 I contin2ed: panning thro2gh the pi7e. ./hat was that one abo2t again34 he as8ed in between taste*testing dinner on the stove. .Secret U5? base in the mo2ntains.4 .?h: yeah. That one was heavy sci*9i. /hat did yo2 thin8 o9 it34 he as8ed: a7most so2nding hope927.

I p2rsed my 7ips and sneered. ./hat=s that reaction abo2t34 he co2ntered. .)7iens34 I thin8 I ro77ed my eyes. .That wo27d be a h2ge diversion 9rom the ro7es yo2 have been ta8ing. Is that something that interests yo234 Be shr2gged. Be seemed 2ns2re o9 his direction. .Ryan: what=s yo2r goa7 here3 I mean when yo2 dreamt o9 being an actor: what 8ind o9 actor did yo2 want to be34 . randoE4 he stated with admiration. .I wanted to be -ar7on rando. The Aod9ather: yo2 8nowE I can=t te77 yo2 how many times I 7oo8ed at myse79 in the mirror whi7e trying to imitate him. Be was the reason I wanted to get 2p on stage and act.4 Ryan sat down at the tab7e with me. ./hen I did the 9irst Seaside, I was thin8ing abo2t Aary Cooper 6 how he wo27d have de7ivered it. I can on7y hope to be in that 7eag2e as an actor one day. That wo27d be the 27timateE4 ./e77 then: there=s yo2r direction. I9 that=s the perception yo2 want peop7e to have when they thin8 o9 yo2 as an actor: then yo2 need to position yo2rse79 correct7y in the right ro7es. Isn=t that something yo2r agent and manager sho27d be he7ping yo2 with3 I mean some o9 these scriptsH we77: they aren=t going to get yo2 there.4 .They=re >2st trying to get me >obs so I ma8e a name 9or myse79. It=s to2gh. 1o2=ve got to ta8e what yo2 can get sometimes:4 he responded. .I don=t 8now abo2t that. y the 7oo8s o9 it I thin8 yo2 co27d a99ord to be a 7itt7e more choosey.4 I patted the nine scripts 2nder my hand. .@erhaps i9 yo2 needed a paychec8 yo2 co27d consider some o9 these: b2t I thin8 that i9 yo2 want yo2r dreams to come tr2e then yo2 need to point yo2rse79 in their direction.4 I he7d 2p the script 9or The Isletin Solution. Be smir8ed. .1eah: yo2=re right. Bey: a9ter dinner we need to r2n 7ines 9or Slip"not again.4 I smi7ed 9rom the tho2ght. I rea77y en>oyed he7ping and watching him get into character. I tried to .act4 when I read the 7ines instead o9 >2st reading 9rom the script: to the point that Ryan started coaching me when we rehearsed together. /e rehearsed so o9ten that I was starting to memoriDe the 7ines o9 dia7og2e o9 the other characters and the 9ee7ings they were intending to portray in each scene.

Ryan did have a coo7 >ob. It was odd7y 7iberating .pretending4 and 9ee7ing permitted to have di99erent emotions and reactions 9rom yo2r own. I co27d see why he 7oves what he does 9or a 7iving. The 7ead 9ema7e ro7e had a 7ot o9 dia7og2e. She was a medica7 st2dent and avid roc8 c7imber who resc2es Ryan=s character o2t on a mo2ntain. /hat I 7i8ed most abo2t her was that she didn=t ta8e a 7ot o9 crap 9rom anyone. It was very eye opening: ma8ing me ac2te7y aware o9 my own persona7ity.

Chapter 2. - Than8s

.1o2 two wait in here. Aive me a min2te. Let me get yo2r bags o2t 9irst: then I=77 get yo2 into the termina7:4 -i8e said: 7eaning over the 9ront seat to spea8 to 2s. There m2st have been a7most 9i9ty photographers: 9ans: and peop7e gaw8ing o2t on the sidewa78 by the doors 9or departing 97ights. .This is 92c8ing craDy:4 Ryan m2ttered. Be had his bac8 t2rned to the car door b2t the photographers ran to the other side o9 the car trying to get shots o9 him. It was hard to see in thro2gh the dar8 tinted windows. .I hate airports:4 he whispered. .)re yo2 ready 9or this34 I nodded: despite the 9act that I was 9ee7ing 7i8e a nervo2s wrec8. )irport sec2rity was waiting o2tside nowC they were trying to move peop7e away 9rom the doors to the termina7. -i8e opened the car door and Ryan s7ipped o2t. Bis 9oot wasn=t even on the gro2nd yet when the 9renDy began. .RyanE RyanE Can yo2 sign this34 @eop7e were ye77ing at him repeated7y. .Ryan: over here.4 The cameras 97ashed non*stop. .Can I ta8e my pict2re with yo234 some yo2ng gir7 as8ed sweet7y. -y poor Ryan didn=t 8now which way to t2rn. -i8e and o2r driver 97an8ed Ryan on both sides whi7e he signed a 9ew a2tographs. Some o9 these peop7e had g7ossy photos o9 his movie character in hand and it amaDed me that they were so prepared 9or o2r arriva7. Ryan scribb7ed his signat2re <2ic87y with a borrowed pen whi7e -i8e 2sed his arm and hands to b7oc8 peop7e 9rom getting too c7ose. I noticed he avoided the men with pro9essiona7 prints and signed his a2tograph 9or the 9ans instead. Be posed and smi7ed 9or a7most twenty photos. I removed my bac8pac8 9rom the tr2n8 o9 the car: s72ng it over my sho27der: and readied my sma77 carry*on s2itcase. The paparaDDi swarmed 7i8e angry bees: 9ighting amongst themse7ves 9or better position to ta8e pict2res. -i8e 9ina77y handed Ryan his messenger bag

and d299e7 bag and then as8ed the crowd to bac8 2p. I 9e7t so he7p7ess. These Gpeop7e= 9or 7ac8 o9 a better term had 2s s2rro2nded. I grabbed the bac8 o9 Ryan=s >ac8et: 9earing I might get 7e9t behind in the mayhem. Ryan 9e7t his >ac8et t2g and g7anced bac8 at me to con9irm I was the one doing the t2gging. I tried not to 7oo8 at the photographers: even tho2gh I 8new my pict2re was being ta8en over and over again. Ryan grabbed my hand and we h2rried into the termina7. -i8e was by his sideC Ryan had me in tow. )irport sec2rity had 2s s2rro2nded now. !ever in my 7i9e had s2ch a simp7e tas8 7i8e getting on a p7ane been so 9righteningE .RyanE So is it o99icia73 )re yo2 and -s. -itche77 an e;c72sive item34 some paparaDDo as8ed. Ryan didn=t answer. .Is it tr2e that yo2 and Taryn are 7iving together34 another photographer as8ed whi7e r2nning a7ong side o9 2s. Ryan sti77 didn=t answer. Be had that 9ami7iar 7oo8 on his 9aceC the one he wore when he was sic8 o9 a77 this shit b2t tried to 7oo8 indi99erent. .Come on g2ys. That=s eno2gh:4 -i8e said to the paparaDDi who were wa78ing bac8wards: ta8ing o2r pict2re and 9i7ming 2s. .-r. Christensen: this way:4 an airport sec2rity o99icer ca77ed o2t. /e 9o77owed him thro2gh a separate opening in the barriers so we co27d get in 7ine to go thro2gh the airport sec2rity scanners. /e were 2shered to a sma77 co2nter where Ryan showed o2r boarding passes to the waiting TS) agent who veri9ied that we had seats on an o2tbo2nd 97ight. .Ao 9irst: Boney:4 Ryan whispered and n2dged me ahead. Be was 7oo8ing down at the gro2nd most o9 the time. I g7anced brie97y over his sho27der and noticed that the paparaDDi were 9i7ming 2s removing o2r coats and shoes. 5ort2nate7y -i8e was b7oc8ing them 9rom getting too m2ch 9ootage o9 Ryan. I grabbed a gray p7astic tray and tossed my coat and shoes into the bin. I p2shed my bac8pac8 and sma77 s2itcase down the ro77ers 2nti7 it met the r2bber be7t that 9ed into the scanner. Ryan was sti77 chec8ing his poc8ets 9or 7oose change. I smi7ed at himC he a7ways had random amo2nts o9 money st299ed in his poc8ets. I waited 9or Ryan and -i8e to c7ear thro2gh the meta7 detector. )irport sec2rity escorted 2s: and instead o9 7eading 2s towards the gate: we were 2shered thro2gh a p7ain

white sec2rity door. ./here are we going34 I whispered to Ryan. ./e=re ear7y. /e=re going to the FI@ 7o2nge.4 I had never been in a FI@ 7o2nge be9ore. It was bea2ti927E The 7arge room had a high cei7ing and was segregated into sma77er sections: divided by wa77s and 9277 7ength semi*sheer c2rtains. The wa77s were ti7ed in dar8 gray s7ate with stain7ess stee7 accents. (ach wa77 had 9o2r 97at screen TFs mo2nted across it: a77 broadcasting a di99erent news channe7. In 9ront o9 every TF was a coDy decorative chair and tab7e 9or trave7ers to sit and re7a;. There was even a side room with 9ree beverages and a sma77 9ood b299et. Ryan p277ed o2t his phone and t2rned it on: scanning thro2gh his messages and ca7endar. I: however: was sti77 in a s7ight daDe 9rom getting into the airport. This chaos was obvio2s7y o7d*hat 9or Ryan. I can=t te77 yo2 how many times I 97ew in and o2t o9 this airport and never 8new that s2ch a room e;isted. I stood by the 7arge g7ass window: watching the p7anes ta8e o99 and 7and: trying to get my heart rate to stabi7iDe. Ryan came over and stood behind me: p7acing his hands on my sho27ders. .Bow are yo2 doing34 he whispered. I 7oo8ed 2p at him and nodded. .I=m doing 9ine.4 I tried to so2nd convincing: b2t deep down I was sti77 ratt7ed. .Ten more min2tes and we=77 head o2t 9or o2r 97ight:4 Ryan said: opening his bag to retrieve my -itche77=s @2b baseba77 hat. It made me smi7e when he win8ed and p2t the cap on his head. .I=ve noticed yo2=ve been avoiding those )2tographers 7ate7y:4 I said: <2estioning him. Ryan nodded. .They ma8e money o99 o9 my signat2re. I=m sic8 o9 it.4 ) man in a s2it: wearing a TS) sec2rity I0 badge: came into the 7o2nge 9or 2s. /e were escorted down a 7ong ha77way and thro2gh another p7ain white door that d2mped 2s near o2r gate. )77 the other passengers on o2r 97ight to !ewar8 were a7ready boarded onto the p7ane. Ryan: -i8e: and I too8 o2r seats 2p in 9irst c7ass. I made Ryan sit in the window seat. @eop7e were a7ready stretching their nec8s to see.

The 97ight to !ewar8 airport was <2ic8 and a9ter we 7anded the air7ine sta99 assisted 2s in e;iting the p7ane. )irport sec2rity had 2s s2rro2nded as we wa78ed to o2r ne;t gate. -i8e escorted 2s to o2r gate: then t2rned to say goodbye. Be was headed to So2th Caro7ina to see 9ami7y. .Bave a good ho7iday: -i8eE4 Ryan patted him on the arm and shoo8 his hand. .1o2 too: Ryan. Taryn.4 -i8e gave me a h2g. .Bappy Than8sgiving: -i8eE Than8 yo2 9or everythingE4 I h2gged him warm7y. .I=77 see yo2 in a wee8.4 -i8e tapped Ryan on the sho27der. .0on=t eat too m2ch t2r8eyE4 TS) agents and airport sec2rity wa78ed 2s to o2r departing 97ight bo2nd 9or @ittsb2rgh. Three yo2ng gir7s ran a9ter 2s begging 9or Ryan=s attention. Ryan gracio2s7y stopped to ta8e a pict2re with them... 9orever smi7ingH 9orever p7easing his 9ans. /hen we 7anded: we were again escorted by airport sec2rity who wa78ed 2s towards the e;it. )s we h2rried thro2gh the termina7: peop7e were p277ing o2t cameras and ce77 phones to capt2re the sight o9 Ryan Christensen wa78ing thro2gh the airport. I 9e7t Ryan=s hand s<2eeDe mine tighter when we ca2ght sight o9 his mom and dad standing there waiting 9or 2s. )77 9o2r o9 2s were smi7ing: happy to see each other again. S2re eno2gh: a 9ew paparaDDi were waiting o2tside the airport doors. The a9ternoon s2n was starting to dip in the s8y as we approached Ryan=s hometown. Be pointed o2t 12 Street: showing me the in9amo2s hi77 where he too8 the maiden voyage in the 7a2ndry bas8et. Ryan edged c7oser to the car doorC his hand was reaching 9or the door hand7e. I co27d see the e;citement in his eyes and the overwhe7ming anticipation he was 9ee7ing 9or being home. I tried to vis2a7iDe the neighborhood Ryan grew 2p in when he ta78ed abo2t it: b2t no verba7 description co27d compare to seeing it with my own eyes. The tree*7ined street was bea2ti9277y tinted with a2t2mn=s di99erent co7ored 7eaves: many o9 which were a7ready in pi7es on the gro2nd. The ho2ses on his parents= street were sit2ated 9air7y 9ar apart. (ach home was set bac8 9rom the street and had 7arge 9ront yards with p7enty o9 grass to mow. /e t2rned onto a 7ong driveway which was 7ined with trees and simp7e b2t taste927

7andscaping. Ryan 7et o2t a sigh. Bis chi7dhood home was bea2ti927C a two story bric8 and viny7 home with a 7arge 97agstone porch 7eading 2p to the 9ront door. The porch eaves had decorative wooden accents 9ormed to 7oo8 7i8e archways: and 9rom the center o9 each arch h2ng a bas8et with the remains o9 green 9erns wi7ted 9rom the co7d. /e par8ed in 9ront o9 the two car garage that entered into the side o9 the ho2se. Bis 9ather pressed the garage door opener that h2ng 9rom his visor. It was apparent that they were 2sed to entering their ho2se thro2gh the garage. Ryan didn=t even ma8e it to the 8itchen door 6 he had to p277 the gray car cover 2p o99 the 9ront end o9 his She7by. The car was a bea2ti927 shade o9 sapphire b72e with two si7ver racing stripes 9rom b2mper to b2mper. It s2re7y was impressive. .I=ve been r2nning it every once and a whi7e. She sho27d start right 2p:4 his 9ather in9ormed. Ryan p277ed the entire cover o99 o9 his car and b2nched it 2p in a pi7e in the corner o9 the garage. .0on=t >2st 7eave it 7ay thereE 5o7d it 2pE4 i77 reprimanded him. .I wi77: 0ad. I2st give me a min2te to say he77o.4 Ryan beamed at his car. .Be77o: babyE4 Be to2ched the car 9ender 7oving7y. .0id yo2 miss me34 I co27dn=t he7p b2t smi7e at Ryan. oys and their toysE Be reached into a cabinet mo2nted on the wa77 and p277ed o2t the car 8eys: 2n7oc8ing the doors to his precio2s car. Be was a7ready hopping in the driver=s seat when his 9ather ye77ed at him again. .)ren=t yo2 even going to invite Taryn into the ho2se 9irst34 .I >2st want to ma8e s2re she starts:4 Ryan de9ended. I he7d 2p my hand to his 9ather and tried to dismiss his anger. .It=s a77 right. Let him start his car. Be won=t be ab7e to thin8 o9 anything e7se.4 I set my bac8pac8 down on the gro2nd ne;t to my s2itcase. ) t2rn o9 the ignition and his car roared to 7i9e. The smi7e on his 9ace was so h2ge it was 7i8e he died and went to heaven. .Bop in. Let=s go 9or a ride:4 he ye77ed over to me. I ran 9or the passenger door. I s7ipped down into the b7ac8 7eather b2c8et seat and snapped on my seatbe7t. Ryan

revved the engine and the car vibrated and p2rred beneath 2s. Bis 7ong 9ingers wrapped aro2nd the gear shi9ter with white*8n2c87ed anticipation. Be: o9 co2rse: had to s<2ea7 the tires when he p277ed o2t onto his street: ca2sing the rear end to 9ishtai7 a bit. Loo8 o2t neighbors: the craDy Christensen 8id is bac8 in townE Be drove o2t on some 7ong bac8 roads 7ined with 9arms and corn9ie7ds: driving too 9ast most o9 the time. Be made a 7e9t t2rn and mashed his 9oot down on the gas: shi9ting 9orce9277y thro2gh a77 the gears. )t one point we were s7ight7y airborne over a 7itt7e 8no77 in the road. Bis driving was dangero2s and e;citing. I 8new he=d been 7oo8ing 9orward to this adrena7ine r2sh more than anything. Ryan 9rom @ittsb2rgh was home. .0id yo2 have 92n34 (77en as8ed when we came thro2gh the 8itchen door with o2r bags. She was b2sy ma8ing dinner. .Ryan: ta8e yo2r bags 2pstairs:4 she ordered. i77 was sitting in a dar8 brown rec7iner chair in the 9ami7y room that was o99 o9 the 8itchen. Be was reading the newspaper and pee8ing over the top o9 it to occasiona77y watch te7evision. It made me smi7e: 9ond7y remembering my own 9ather sitting in his 9avorite chair reading the newspaper. I 9o77owed Ryan 2p the tan carpeted stairs to his room. Be smir8ed at me as he p2shed the 7ast door on the right open with his sho27der. Bis o7d room had one 9o2r*paned window centered on the wa77 that over7oo8ed the 9ront yard. Be 97ipped on the bedroom 7ight: i772minating the 7amp that sat on the sing7e nightstand ne;t to the bed. The 7ight cast a shadow on the p7ain beige wa77s and new tan carpeting. Be had a dar8 oa8 des8 with an o7d comp2ter and printer sitting on it. ?n top o9 his ta77 wooden dresser were two baseba77 trophies and a sma77 decorative 7amp. )nd in the corner o9 his room stood a wooden coat rac8: 7ong empty o9 coats and c7othing. ) tinge o9 sadness 97owed into my chest. Bis room: the room he spent a77 o9 his 7i9e growing 2p in: was obvio2s7y c7eansed o9 most o9 his things. Be didn=t have an apartment: a ho2se: or even an o7d bedroom that was his anymore. )77 the 9ragments o9 his e;istence were bo;ed 2p and p2t aside or 9orgotten. I 2nderstood why he was dying to get in his car the moment we arrived. That car was the on7y thing that was hisH tr27y his. -ore important7y: I now 8new why he moved in with me so <2ic87y and was r2shing the tho2ghts o9 b2i7ding a ho2se by a 7a8e. -y 7ove was

desperate7y craving a homeH a connectionH a sa9e haven to ca77 his own * 9or he had nothing in this wor7d b2t a s2itcase and another 7one7y destination. I dropped my bag o99 my sho27der and grabbed the 9ront o9 his >ac8et with both o9 my hands. I wanted him to 9ee7 the depth o9 my 7ove 9or him thro2gh my 7ips. I was desperate 9or him to rea7iDe that he was no 7onger a7one in this wor7dC that as 7ong as I had a breath sti77 7e9t in my 72ngs I wo27d provide him she7ter and be his sa9e haven in a77 this 2ncertainty. Be s7ipped his 9ingers 2nderneath my >ac8et and p2shed it bac8 over my sho27ders. Bis coat came o99 ne;t. Be wa78ed bac8wards to the bed: p277ing me down with him. /e 8ic8ed o2r shoes o99 and twined o2r c7othed bodies together: passionate7y 8issing each other. .I 7ove yo2:4 I m2rm2red on his 7ips: staring direct7y into his open eyes when I said it. .I 7ove yo2 too:4 he breathed bac8. I rested my head on his chest: 7istening to his heartbeat whi7e he so9t7y stro8ed my hair. Be 8issed my head severa7 times and wrapped his arms aro2nd me tighter: conveying his own message o9 7ove bac8 to me. )77 too soon o2r 2nspo8en conversation was interr2pted by his mother=s voice. She was ye77ing 2p the stairs that !ic8 and Iane77e were here. .Bey: rotherE4 Ryan greeted !ic8 with a h2g. I stayed o99 to the side: smi7ing and waiting to be introd2ced. Ryan and his brother had simi7ar 9eat2res: b2t !ic8 too8 a9ter their 9ather more than Ryan did. !ic8 had dar8er brown hair and was >2st an inch or two shorter than Ryan in stat2re: b2t c7ose yo2r eyes and yo2 co27dn=t te77 which one was spea8ing. The simi7arity o9 their voices was 2ncanny. Ryan h2gged Iane77e ne;t: 8issing her on her chee8. .Bey movie starE4 she 8idded him. .Bow are yo2 doing34 Iane77e was >2st a 7itt7e shorter than I was: b2t she was adorab7e. She had high7ighted 7ight brown hair: which was straight and c2t b72nt at her sho27ders. She wore trendy b7ac8 9ramed g7asses and had a captivating smi7e. .!ic8: Iane77e: this is Taryn.4 Ryan beamed. !ic8 p277ed me in instant7y 9or a big h2g. .It=s so nice to meet yo2E /e7come to the 9ami7yE4 he whispered in my ear.

.Than8 yo2E It=s nice to meet yo2 tooE4 I 2ttered bac8. Iane77e and I h2gged ne;t. She too we7comed me to the 9ami7y. Ryan had a7ready capt2red their da2ghter: Sarah: in his arms. The baby started to cry. .She hasn=t seen yo2 in si; months: Ryan:4 Iane77e said: ta8ing the baby 9rom him. @oor Sarah was sti77 crying. .Bow o7d is she34 I as8ed. .Ten months:4 Iane77e answered. .She=s bea2ti927E4 I t2gged gent7y on her 7acy o2t9it. .Loo8 at the pretty 97owers on yo2r dress.4 The baby stopped crying and 7oo8ed at me. .Bi SarahE It=s so nice to meet yo2E 1o2 7oo8 so pretty in yo2r 7itt7e dressE4 The baby smi7ed at me. Iane77e 7oo8ed at the baby then 7oo8ed at me: smi7ing too. .Can I ho7d yo2 so mommy can ta8e her coat o9934 Iane77e 7eaned the baby towards me and I 7i9ted her into my arms. .Bi thereE 0o yo2 want to go 9or a wa7834 I paced aro2nd the 7iving room with Sarah. She started to babb7e at me: te77ing me a big story and I answered her with sweet comments o9 my own. I too8 her 7itt7e coat o99 whi7e she cooed at me. .Say hi Unc7e RyanE4 I waved her 7itt7e hand at him. Ryan was 9orever smi7ing at me. ./here=s my 7itt7e pean2t34 i77 as8ed 9or his grandda2ghter. .Come to grandpaE4 Be too8 the 7itt7e gir7 o2t o9 my arms. Sarah didn=t 7i8e itC she started to cry again. /e a77 moved into the 9ami7y room: and Iane77e set 2p a 7itt7e p7ay area on a b7an8et on the 97oor 9or her da2ghter. Sarah was sti77 crying whi7e being passed aro2nd 9rom person to person. Ryan tried ho7ding her again b2t she didn=t want any o9 it. Ber 7itt7e 9ace was t2rning red. I sat ne;t to him on the co2ch and started ta78ing to Sarah. I was g7ad she stopped crying so Ryan co27d en>oy ho7ding her. ./hat is it with yo2 and 8ids34 Ryan as8ed me. .1o2=re 7i8e a 9rea8ing dr2g to them.4

Bis comment was abs2rd. I ro77ed my eyes and dismissed his <2estion. .See3 /atch.4 Be he7d the baby away 9rom me and she started to cry. Be moved the baby ne;t to me and she stopped. Be repeated his 7itt7e test and she cried when he he7d her away. The third time he did it: Sarah cried in both p7aces. .There goes that theory:4 I 8idded him. ./hat are yo2 doing to my poor chi7d34 Iane77e ye77ed. .(;perimenting:4 Ryan rep7ied. .(very time we=re aro2nd 8ids: they=re drawn to Taryn 7i8e a 9rea8ing magnet. /atchE4 I tho2ght he was ma8ing a big dea7 o2t o9 nothing. Be he7d Sarah away 9rom meC she was sti77 crying. Then he p2t Sarah on my 7ap. I stood her 2p on my 7egs and he7d her to my chest. Sarah grasped my heart nec87ace in her tiny 9ingers. Ryan grinned at me sm2g7y when Sarah stopped crying. Be he7d his hands o2t. .See what I mean34 .It=s not me: it=s this nec87ace:4 I de9ended. .-aybe it has specia7 powers.4 .!o: I thin8 it=s yo2E4 Ryan chimed bac8. Sarah was b2sy p7aying with my nec87ace. Ber 7itt7e 9ace p2c8ered 2p with 9r2stration when she co27dn=t get my pendant in her mo2th. I made a 92nny 9ace bac8 at her which ca2sed my nose to tic87e. That=s when I ca2ght the scent o9 something e7se. I he7d her 7itt7e bottom c7oser to my nose to con9irm my s2spicions. .I=m not a dr2g: Ryan: I=m a 7a;ative.4 I stood 2p with the 7itt7e gir7 to get her changed. .0id she poop34 !ic8 snorted when he as8ed. .1ep. Constipated chi7dren see8 me o2t wherever I go.4 I 7a2ghed. . et Ry was a bit constipated when he st2mb7ed onto yo2E4 !ic8 >o8ed. .I was de9inite7y bac8ed 2p: that=s 9or s2re:4 Ryan m2mb7ed 2nder his breath: ad>2sting the waist o9 his >eans. . 2t I sat on Taryn=s 7ap 9or a 9ew min2tes and then I 9e7t better.4 Ryan grinned at him devi7ish7y and !ic8 crac8ed 2p 7a2ghing. I smir8ed at Ryan=s comment. ./hat34 he <2estioned my reaction. I handed Sarah to him. .Bere: go do another rite o9 passage:4 I s2ggested >o8ing7y.

./hat3 0o yo2 want me to change her3 I don=t care.4 Be was a77 coo7 and con9ident. .She=s eating so7id 9oods now: Ry. S2re yo2 won=t gag34 !ic8 as8ed. .Aive her to me:4 Iane77e instr2cted. .I=77 ta8e her 2pstairs. /e don=t want the s2perstar to get his hands dirtyE4 .1o2 p2n8s don=t thin8 I=m 2p 9or the cha77enge34 Ryan <2estioned assertive7y. .Ten b2c8s says yo2 gag:4 !ic8 ta2nted. ./hat do yo2 say: 0ad3 1o2 want in on this bet34 i77 reached into his poc8et: searching 9or money. .I=77 ta8e that betE4 Ryan retorted. . oth o9 yo2E4 Be pointed. The entire 9ami7y 9o77owed Ryan 2pstairs to !ic8=s o7d bedroom. Iane77e p7aced a pad down on the bed and readied a new diaper. The rest o9 2s stood aro2nd watching. )77 eyes were on Ryan: waiting 9or his reaction. Be 2ndressed Sarah down to her diaper and had to ham it 2p by crac8ing his 8n2c87es and wigg7ing his 9ingers. .I sho27d get the camera:4 !ic8 m2sed. .!icho7asE4 (77en sco7ded. ./hat3 0o yo2 8now how m2ch money I co27d get 9or one pict2re o9 the movie star changing a poopy diaper34 Iane77e and I started 7a2ghing. .!ot as m2ch money as yo2 co27d get 9or a pair o9 his dirty 2nderwear on e ay:4 I m2mb7ed. .1o2 both s2c8E 1o2 8now that34 Ryan was pee7ing bac8 the tape on the diaper and had to stop beca2se we were teasing him. .Taryn:4 !ic8 whispered: .Aather 2p some o9 my brother=s ass*stained shorts and se77 them <2ic8 so we can a77 go to Bawaii 9or Christmas.4 .1o2=re a dic8E4 Ryan 7oo8ed direct7y at his brother. /e were a77 7a2ghing. .1o2 can a77 >2st sh2t the he77 2p and get yo2r money o2tE4 Iane77e s7apped a 9ew wet*wipes in Ryan=s hand. .?8ay: I=m going in:4 Ryan anno2nced. .Is that what yo2 say to a77 yo2r women34 !ic8 teased. Ryan was 7a2ghing so hard he co27dn=t breathe.

. oysE4 (77en ye77ed. .@oor Sarah is waitingE Change her diaper a7readyE4 .!ic8: go get the sc2ba gear.4 Ryan had tears coming o2t o9 his eyes. .5orceps: 7antern: 97ame throwerH4 !ic8 spit o2t his words with 7a2ghter. .-ove: I=77 do it.4 Iane77e was getting impatient. .!oE I got thisE4 Ryan gasped between 7a2ghs: trying to p277 himse79 bac8 together. Be hesitant7y p277ed the diaper bac8: brie97y e;posing the green e;p7osion that awaited c7ean*2p. .?hE4 !ic8 sho2ted 7o2d7y. .0amn babyE /hat are they 9eeding yo234 Ryan teased. . eer and eggs with a side o9 peas: obvio2s7y.4 !ic8 7a2ghed. Iane77e dove right in: c7eaning 2p her da2ghter. .!ow stop. I can get it.4 Ryan e7bowed her o2t o9 the way. .They se77 these baby wipes by the tr2c87oad: right34 .1eah. /e b2y that st299 by the pa77et:4 !ic8 vo77eyed: 7a2ghing. ./e don=t mess aro2nd with the sing7e t2bs anymore.4 .1o2 co27d a7ways ta8e her o2tside and hit her ass with the hose:4 Ryan s2ggested. .!ah: we save that 9or when she=s got the shit smeared a77 the way 2p her bac8:4 !ic8 answered. .I=77 ta8e yo2 both o2tside and hit yo2 with the hose:4 Iane77e warned. I co27dn=t stop 7a2ghing at their banter. Ryan had the baby a77 c7eaned 2p and was wrest7ing with the new diaper when he to7d his dad and brother to pay 2p. Be handed Sarah o99 to Iane77e. I was standing with my arms 9o7ded when Ryan sa2ntered over to me. .!e;t one o9 those is a77 yo2rs.4 Be crac8ed me hard on the b2tt. .Ao wash yo2r hands. It=s time 9or dinner:4 (77en ordered. /e were gathered at the dinner tab7e when !ic8 started in on me. .Taryn: -om te77s me yo2 haven=t seen any o9 my brother=s movies.4 !ic8 7eered at me. .I thin8 I=m the on7y one on the p7anet who hasn=t:4 I >o8ed. .Be tho2ght I was 7ying when I to7d him that.4 Ryan 8ic8ed me 2nder the tab7e so I 8ic8ed him bac8. I c7ipped him right in the an87e

by accident and he winced 9rom the pain. Be pinched me in reta7iation. ./e sho27d watch it tonight. rea8 her in.4 !ic8 pointed his dinner 9or8 at me. .1o2 can do whatever yo2 want: b2t I=m not watching it:4 Ryan stated 9irm7y. ./hat do yo2 say: Taryn3 1o2 want to watch Seaside34 !ic8 as8ed. .See what a big*time actor he is34 Ryan sco99ed at his comment. .!o: that=s o8ay.4 I 8new that it wo27d ma8e Ryan 2ncom9ortab7e. .-aybe some other time.4 .1o2 sho27d watch it. It=s rea77y goodE4 Iane77e added. .I=ve read a77 the boo8s too. Then yo2=77 8now why a77 the women worship him:4 she said teasing7y. I 7oo8ed over at Ryan and smi7ed. I 8new why they worshipped him: b2t their reasons were comp7ete7y di99erent 9rom my own. .I=77 watch it sometime: b2t not tonight. esides !ic8: Ryan te77s me that yo2=re a 7o2sy po8er p7ayer. I was c2rio2s to see i9 he was right.4 I 9e7t Ryan s<2eeDe my thigh. )9ter we c7eared dinner away: we started p7aying cards. Ryan was rightC !ic8 co27dn=t b7299 his way o2t o9 a paper bag i9 his 7i9e depended on it. !eed7ess to say: the po8er game didn=t 7ast too 7ong be9ore egos got in the way. /e p7ayed a di99erent board game: which was a 7ot more 92n. I haven=t 7a2ghed that hard in a 7ong time. I thin8 I 9it right in with his 9ami7y and their teasing: a7tho2gh !ic8 seemed harsh on Ryan sometimes. Litt7e Sarah was h2ngry and needed a bott7e. .Aive her here:4 Ryan re<2ested: removing Sarah 9rom her grandmotherLs arms. The visions o9 him ho7ding and 9eeding her added one more reason 9or worshipping him to my private 7ist. It was c7ose to midnight when we 9ina77y craw7ed into bed together. I was tired 9rom the 97ight and the de7icio2s dinner that 9i77ed my stomach. Ryan=s bed was on7y a 9277*siDeC not <2ite as roomy as the <2een*siDed bed we shared at home even tho2gh we never s7ept apart in it. )mm' at homeH the tho2ght o9 those words made me smi7e. Ryan=s body mo7ded aro2nd mine: 8eeping me sn2gg7ed and warm in my com9ortab7e cocoon. -y bac8 rested on his chest as it does every night. Ryan h299ed in my ear. Be was gro2chy and rest7ess.

.Boney: what=s wrong34 I whispered. .I can=t s7eep.4 Be t2gged on my T*shirt. .Can yo2 ta8e this o993 I need to 9ee7 yo2r s8in.4 I hesitated. )t home we a7ways s7ept na8ed: b2t we weren=t at home. .0on=t worry: my mom won=t come in here.4 I too8 my top o99 and tossed it to the 97oor. .)h: that=s betterE4 he snic8ered. .This is sort o9 e;citingE -ight get b2sted by the parents having a na8ed gir7 in my bed.4 I gigg7ed so9t7y when he s<2eeDed me. I 2nderstood what he was ta78ing abo2t. I 9e7t 7i8e a teenager brea8ing the ho2se r27es. ./e=77 have to be <2iet then:4 I whispered 97irtatio2s7y. Be r2bbed his st2bb7y chin on my sho27der be9ore opening his mo2th to p7ay9277y bite me. It made me gigg7e again. .I 7ove it when yo2 bite meE4 Be twined o2r 9ingers together. .I 8now:4 he whispered. .)nd it a7so drives yo2 craDy when I r2n my nose down yo2r nec8.4 .1es:4 I con9irmed. .)nd it drives yo2 insane when I bite yo2r ear7obe.4 I t2rned over to 9ace him. .-y parents thin8 I=m s7eeping over at Ienny=s ho2se tonight. )re yo2 s2re yo2r parents are s7eeping34 Be smi7ed and 7a2ghed so9t7y: grow7ing when he pa7med my rear in his hand. .-aybe tomorrow night we can go par8ing in that 9ancy car o9 yo2rs:4 I teased. .I=77 have to do yo2 on the hood:4 he groaned sed2ctive7y. ./e can=t go par8ing in the She7by tomorrow. /e have a 7imo ta8ing 2s to a hoc8ey game: remember3 Bow abo2t this3 I9 I promise to respect yo2 in the morning: wi77 yo2 give me yo2r virginity tonight34 .Is it going to h2rt34 I shy7y as8ed: batting my eyes. .I=77 be very gent7e: I promise.4

The so2nd o9 Ryan=s mom c7anging pots and pans down in the 8itchen wo8e me 2p. I

had promised her I=d he7p since she had p7anned to coo8 a 9east. .(77en: this pie is ready to go in the oven.4 I s7id the g7ass pie dish o2t o9 my way and wiped the 97o2r o99 o9 the recipe card. ./hat=s ne;t34 She handed me another recipe card. .This is Ryan=s 9avorite:4 she whispered. ./hat=s Ryan=s 9avorite34 Ryan as8ed. Be was sitting at the dining tab7e with his 7egs stretched o2t: scanning thro2gh his ce77 phone. .@2mp8in ro7734 I answered. Be 7oo8ed 2p and smi7ed. .@2t e;tra 9i77ing st299 in it: p7ease.4 (77en stood ne;t to me. .1o2=77 have to do2b7e the recipe 9or the cream cheese 9i77ing. I thin8 I have eno2gh o9 everything.4 I was reading the recipe card when I heard Ryan h299. Be proceeded to te;t someone. .(verything a77 right34 I as8ed. .Come here. I want to show yo2 something.4 Be handed his phone to me and I read his rep7y. .57attered b2t not interested very happy w someone4 I 7oo8ed at him: con92sed. .Bit send:4 he instr2cted. I did what he to7d me to do. ./hat is this abo2t34 Be s7ipped the phone o2t o9 my hand and tapped the screen a 9ew times be9ore handing it bac8 to me. There was another te;t message. .BiE !e;t time 2r in L) want to go o2t3 @romise 2 wi77 have good time a77 night g2aranteedE4 I 9e7t my 7ips c2r7 in disg2st a9ter reading that. I handed his phone bac8 to him. ./ho=s that 9rom3 )nyone yo2 even 8now34 Be tapped another b2tton and showed me the name o9 the very 9amo2s actress who sent that message. I was shoc8ed. I 7oo8ed at him and shoo8 my head. .0on=t get madE4 he ca2tioned. .I=m not interested in that. )nd yo2 saw the e;act message I sent bac8.4 Be too8 a sip o9 his co99ee. . esides: s7eeping with her wo27d be 7i8e s7eeping with ha79 o9 Los )nge7es. 12c8E4 Be sh2ddered and st2c8 o2t his tong2e: trying to

be 92nny. .Bow many o9 those o99ers do yo2 get a day34 I as8ed. .0on=t worry abo2t it. )77 yo2 need to 8now is how I rep7y bac8.4 .Bow many34 I as8ed again. .Bow many g2ys as8 you o2t each day34 he sharp7y retorted. .I=d say we=re >2st abo2t tied.4 I stood at the sin8: washing some o9 the dirty dishes whi7e hoping that the overwhe7ming >ea7o2sy wo27d b2rn away my other insec2rities. Be had met tho2sands o9 women: dated we77*8nown actresses in the past: trave7ed the entire g7obe and visited e;otic 7ocationsH why he wo27d want to sett7e 9or >2st one woman when he co27d have so many was beyond me. I tho2ght abo2t what I wo27d do i9 the sit2ation were reversed. I9 I had his opport2nities: wo27d I be o2t there p7aying the 9ie7d or wo27d I want a re7ationship with one person3 /e77: that was an easy <2estion to answer. ?9 co2rse I=d want a meaning927 re7ationship with one man. 2t men are di99erent creat2res. I peered at him thro2gh the corner o9 my eye. Be was sitting at the wooden dining tab7e drin8ing his co99ee whi7e trying to do the crossword p2DD7e in the newspaper. The 9amo2s ce7ebrity who >2st won three awards 9or his acting s8i77s was >2st sitting there in a wrin87ed T*shirt and sweatpants. Bis bare 9eet were scr2nched 2p on his toes: bo2ncing his hee7s 2p and down as he chewed on the tip o9 the pen. Be had no idea o9 the damage he >2st ca2sed in my brain. That 7itt7e te;t message 9e7t 7i8e >2st another nai7 in my co99in. Be wasn=t interested in that one: b2t what wo27d happen i9 he got another o99er he simp7y co27dn=t re92se3 Ryan was beyond >ea7o2s o9 Jy7e: hence why Jy7e was dismissed 9rom being my bodyg2ard so <2ic87y. Bow easy it was 9or Ryan to e7iminate the tr2e competition with a simp7e phone ca77. 0espite how attractive and sweet Jy7e was: I 2sed my brain and heart to rationa7iDe my 9ee7ings. -en however don=t a7ways thin8 with the brain that sits between their ears. )77 too o9ten it=s the 7itt7e brain in their pants that they 7isten to. /o27d Ryan=s 7ove 9or me stop him dead in his trac8s be9ore he 7istened to the devi7 that 7ived in his pants3 .Shoot:4 (77en gr2mb7ed.

I <2ic87y t2rned my head in her direction. Ber b2tt was stic8ing 2p in the air whi7e she r2mmaged thro2gh the re9rigerator. .I don=t have eno2gh cream cheese:4 she groaned. I tried to sha8e o99 my other tho2ghts. ./hat are yo2 going to do with the t2r8ey3 I thin8 it=s >2st abo2t comp7ete7y thawed.4 I po8ed it with my 9inger. She had it setting in the other sin8. .There=s no room in the 9ridge:4 she anno2nced. .I don=t 8now.4 .1o2 sho27d soa8 it overnight in brine and ice. That wi77 ma8e it nice and >2icy tomorrow.4 She 7oo8ed at me: perp7e;ed. . rine34 Ryan escorted me to his dad=s o99ice so I co27d print o99 a recipe 9rom the web. I rea77y thin8 he wanted to ma8e s2re I didn=t Internet s2r9 whi7e I had the chance. .Bere=s the recipe.4 I handed it to (77en. .I have to r2n to the store. I don=t have some o9 these things.4 She so2nded stressed. .Iane77e is bringing Sarah over soon. 1o2 two wi77 have to watch her 9or me.4 )bo2t twenty min2tes 7ater: Iane77e came thro2gh the door with Sarah in one arm and a diaper bag containing an arsena7 o9 baby s2pp7ies in the other. She was r2nning 7ate 9or her appointment. Ryan was on the 97oor p7aying with Sarah when Iane77e darted o2t the door. Be was he7ping Sarah stac8 2p 7itt7e wooden a7phabet b7oc8s. She was concentrating so hardC her ange7ic 9ace showed her determination. I co27dn=t he7p myse79C the sight o9 him p7aying with the baby overwhe7med me. I sh2t the mi;er o99 and >oined them on the 97oor. Ryan patted me on the thigh a 9ew times be9ore c7amping his hand down on my 7eg. ./hat do yo2 say3 Thin8 yo2 want one or two o9 these someday34 he m2sed: twisting his 9inger into Sarah=s ring7ets. .I thin8 yo2 a7ready 8now my answer.4 I smi7ed. Ryan grinned wide7y. .Two wo27d be coo7.4 .I=m s2rprised tho2gh:4 I contin2ed. .Someone in yo2r positionH I wo27d have tho2ght that having 8ids wo27d be the 7ast thing on yo2r 7ist.4 ./hy wo27d yo2 say that34

I was s2rprised that he <2estioned me. .I don=t 8nowH yo2=re yo2ng. 1o2=re a 9amo2s ce7ebrity. 1o2 trave7 the wor7d.4 Be ro77ed his eyes at me. .Sometimes I=m s2rprised that yo2 even want a gir79riend. /hy have one when yo2 co27d have so many.4 Ryan ro77ed onto his bac8 and groaned. .!ot this conversation again. I tho2ght we were beyond this34 I too8 a deep breath and sighed. .Ryan: yo2=re on7y twenty seven. )nd yo2 8now damn we77 yo2 can get any gir7 yo2 want whenever yo2 want. Be77: they even te;t their o99ers to yo2E There are women a77 aro2nd the g7obe who wo27d pay to have se; with yo2. e9ore yo2 ta78 to me abo2t having chi7dren: are yo2 sure yo2=re done sowing yo2r wi7d oats34 Be covered his eyes with his hand. .I can=t be7ieve yo2=re as8ing me this:4 he m2ttered to himse79. .1o2=re a g2yE That=s what g2ys do. 5ast cars: 9ast women. I don=t want yo2 to wa8e 2p ne;t to me when I=m a77 pregnant and have regrets.4 I teasing7y s<2eeDed the inside o9 his 7eg. Be started 7a2ghing. .Bow m2ch money do yo2 thin8 I co27d ma8e 9rom a77 these women who want to have se; with me34 . i77ionsE4 I <2ic87y rep7ied. .Rea77y3 Be7p me drag a mattress o2t into the 9ront yard. 1o2 can se77 7emonade and I=77 >2st 92c8 peop7e a77 dayE4 he cac87ed. The baby craw7ed over to Ryan and whac8ed him in the head with a wooden b7oc8. .?wE4 Be r2bbed his 9orehead. .1o2=re right: Sarah. That was a bad idea. Unc7e Ryan=s >2n8 wi77 9a77 o99 i9 I did that a77 day.4 She craw7ed onto his chest and s7apped him a 9ew times in the 9ace. .BeyE /hy are yo2 beating me 2p3 B2h3 0o I have a potty mo2th3 Ao beat 2p )2nt Taryn 6 she=s the one who=s being si77y.4 Be pic8ed her 2p in his hands and pressed her 2p into the air. Ryan sat Sarah on the 97oor and ro77ed to his side. .Sarah34 Ryan whispered a who7e b2nch o9 nonsense in her ear. .Te77 herE4 Ryan 2sed his 9inger to ma8e Sarah=s bottom 7ip move. Bis voice changed to a high

pitch. .Unc7e Ryan says he=s done sowing so yo2 can >2st chi77.4 Ryan whispered in her ear again. .Unc7e Ryan says yo2 have to be married 9irst be9ore yo2 have babies. )nd I stin8 so yo2 sho27d change me.4 .Aive her to me:4 I re<2ested: reaching o2t 9or her. I 7ay Sarah on the 97oor between my 7egs and grabbed the diaper bag. Ryan t2rned on the te7evision: stopping on a channe7 >2st in time to hear some anno2ncer say his name. .Today on CTFH4 ./e got Ryan Christensen in the airport in @rovidence with his new gir79riend.4 Large graphics streamed across the screen and the anno2ncer=s voice came bac8. 0i99erent embarrassing pict2res o9 Ryan were 97ashed between the verba7 comments. .Jeep yo2r panties on Seaside 9ansE I2st when yo2 tho2ght yo2 saw it a77 6 Ryan Christensen eats 6 Ryan Christensen pic8s his nose 6 Ryan Christensen sits in a car 6 we bring yo2H4 ./e ca2ght him 9ee7ing himse79 2p.4 Fideo o9 Ryan patting his 9ront and bac8 >eans poc8ets when we were in the airport in @rovidence was shown on the screen. ./hat=s 2p with this g2y34 the obvio2s show host as8ed. .I don=t 8now b2t o2r camera g2y ca2ght him 9ee7ing himse79 2p be9ore he went thro2gh the meta7 detectors:4 some yo2ng g2y answered. .5ee7ing himse79 2p34 the host <2estioned. .1eah: he was searching his poc8ets and st299. I mean what idiot goes to the airport with change in their poc8etsE4 The video o9 Ryan patting his poc8ets now inc72ded me in the shot. .0o we 8now who the gir7 is3 Is she an actress34 The host circ7ed my pict2re on his video screen. .Ber name is Taryn -itche77. She owns a bar or something in Rhode Is7and.4 They showed o7d: random photos o9 Ryan with di99erent drin8s in his hand: pretty m2ch acc2sing him o9 having a drin8ing prob7em. ./ow: that=s impressiveE )re all the gir7s in Bo77ywood dead34 the host sneered. (veryone on the te7evision screen 7a2ghed. .I=m s2re his 9ans hate herE4 one woman commented. ) c7ip 9rom an o7d b7ac8 and white movie was shown. )77 the townspeop7e had

torches and pitch9or8s. )nother gir7 chimed in. .She=s a 7ot prettier than S2Danne Strass: I thin8.4 .1eah: and she can he7p him t2rn into another ce7ebrity a7coho7icE4 some other man bantered. .?2r camera g2y as8ed him i9 they=re o99icia77y a co2p7e b2t he didn=t say anything. Be=s dragging her thro2gh the airport by the hand. I mean: isn=t it obvio2s3 I don=t 8now why he >2st doesn=t admit it. She=s not his wardrobe cons27tant that=s 9or s2reE4 The pict2re re9oc2sed on me: on my 9ace: and then Doomed in on Ryan ho7ding my 9ingers as we wa78ed thro2gh the airport. So2nd bites o9 women crying were added in. The segment ended with repeat shots o9 Ryan 9ee7ing his bac8 poc8ets and one more c7ose*2p o9 him shoving his hand in his 9ront poc8et. They even threw in so2nd e99ects o9 women moaning when Ryan patted himse79 down. I 7et o2t a sigh and 7i9ted Sarah 2p so I co27d 9i; her ye77ow tights over her new diaper. I gave her a 9ew 8isses on her 9orehead whi7e she p7ayed with my heart nec87ace. Ryan t2rned the te7evision o99 and threw the remote onto the co2ch behind me. Be 7oo8ed 7i8e he >2st got p2nched in the stomach. I reached o2t to him. /e were both 2pset 9rom seeing that garbage on TF. Ryan s7ow7y moved to sit ne;t to me on the 97oor. /e 7eaned bac8 on the co2ch and 7oo8ed at each other. Ryan rested his arm behind me: combing his 9ingers into my hairC his other hand gent7y r2bbed thro2gh Sarah=s 7itt7e brown c2r7s. Be sighed heavi7y and I 8new he was agitated. I 7eaned over and 8issed his 7ips: >2st to 7et him 8now that everything wo27d be a77 right. Bis 9ingers tensed and pressed into my sca7p: ho7ding my 8iss tender7y to his. Bis 7ips were tro2b7ed. I wondered which one o9 2s wo27d crac8 9rom the b277shit 9irst. I spent the rest o9 the a9ternoon he7ping his mom in the 8itchen. She was preparing a 9east 9or Than8sgiving and I wondered >2st e;act7y who she tho2ght was going to eat a77 o9 it. I hand7ed ma8ing the brine 9or the t2r8ey. Bis mom watched me intent7y as I mi;ed the concoction. I was standing at the sin8 when Ryan came 2p behind me: ho7ding me in p7ace again with his 7ong arms. Be br2shed my hair o99 my sho27der and dri9ted the tip o9 his nose 2p and down my nec8. I tried to 8eep the vo72me o9 my moan t2rned down.

.)s m2ch as it warms my heart to see my son happy and in 7ove: get the he77 away 9rom my he7per:4 (77en s<2ea7ed. .1o2=ve had her 7ong eno2gh: -om. /e=ve got to go get ready 9or the game. ?2r car wi77 be here in an ho2r.4 Soon a9ter !ic8 and Iane77e arrived: the s7ee8 b7ac8 stretch 7imo2sine p277ed into the driveway. The 9o2r o9 2s were going to the game togetherC Ryan=s parents were watching Sarah 9or the evening. .1o2 sho27d come home more o9tenE4 !ic8 teased Ryan: noting that the 7imo was 9277y stoc8ed with beer: 7i<2or: and two bott7es o9 champagne. Iane77e was preocc2piedC event2a77y she p277ed a magaDine o2t o9 her p2rse. .Bere: I tho2ght yo2 two might want to 8eep this oneE4 she teased and tossed the g7ossy paper onto Ryan=s 7ap. Ryan too8 a sip o99 o9 the champagne bott7e he and I were sharing and narrowed his eyes on the cover. Be handed me the bott7e and t2rned the 7itt7e 7ight on above his head so he co27d get a better 7oo8. Ryan and I were on the cover 6 the entire cover. /e were both dressed 2p and it was apparent to me that the photo was ta8en on the night we too8 his parents to dinner. The caption be7ow o2r bodies read .Ryan=s in 7oveE4 !e;t to o2r photo were severa7 side notes 2nder the bo7d 7etters .Ryan Christensen shows o99 new gir79riend.4 The additions in9ormed the wor7d that he was 7iving with me in o2r .Love nest in RI4 and that he had introd2ced me to his parents. ./e77: at 7east it=s a nice pict2re o9 2sE4 Ryan stated indi99erent7y. .The story isn=t bad either:4 Iane77e added. .I tho2ght it was something yo2 might want to 8eep: yo2 8now.4 She 7oo8ed 2ns2re. Ryan handed it to me with a smir8y grin on his 7ips. .I=m s2re yo2 want to read it.4 I set the magaDine down ne;t to me on the seat and too8 another sip o9 champagne 9rom the bott7e. I co27d on7y imagine the horrib7e things that were said abo2t me in there. It wo27d on7y ta8e seeing one negative comment abo2t either one o9 2s to send me into my own downward spira7. Ryan gave me a perp7e;ed 7oo8. Be pres2med I wo27d have ripped the magaDine open immediate7y: dying to 8now what was written.

.I=m not reading that now. I=d rather not cry my eyes o2t be9ore a hoc8ey game:4 I whispered. ./hy34 Iane77e as8ed. .It=s not bad. Rea77yE4 I disagreed. .I >2st 8now there are 7ies printed in it. There a7ways are. I=ve been b7amed 9or brea8ing him and S2Danne 2p: 9or ca2sing ri9ts on set between the actors. They print that I=m 8eeping him 9rom seeing a77 o9 his 9riends. I even 7ost o2t on the nationa7 po77 on which gir7 the p2b7ic wo27d rather see him with. S2Danne won with +2X.4 I r2bbed my chee8: trying to 8eep 9rom getting 2pset. ./e77 there=s nothing 7i8e that in this one:4 Iane77e admitted. .I=m s2re there is:4 I m2ttered: p2shing the magaDine 92rther away. It was the paper version o9 poison to me. .(very one o9 these writers seems to have the need to get at 7east one good dig in. I don=t 2nderstand why they 9ee7 I=m not good eno2gh.4 .BoneyE /ho gives a shit what they write34 Ryan stated. .I s2re don=t.4 .Let me see it:4 !ic8 as8ed. .I=77 te77 yo2 whether or not it=s sa9e to read.4 Be <2ic87y th2mbed thro2gh the magaDine: stopping to 97ash 2s the 7arge interior pict2re o9 Ryan and me wa78ing down my sidewa78: obvio2s7y ignoring the paparaDDi. .?h my AodE4 !ic8 7oo8ed over the top o9 the magaDine. .It says here that yo2 9orced my brother to 7earn how to ma8e stained g7ass pict2re 9ramesE Is this tr2e34 Be 7oo8ed horri9ied. Ryan 7a2ghed at his brother=s antics. .I have to admit: that one is tr2e.4 I nodded. .0oes it say anything abo2t her being most7y na8ed when she s2b>ected me to a day o9 arts and cra9ts and power too7s34 Ryan as8ed. )77 o9 a s2dden his interest was pi<2ed. .)re there pict2res too: Gca2se I want thoseE4 .!o: no pict2res 7i8e that:4 !ic8 stated. Be res2med reading. ./hat=s this3 1o2H4 he gasped: ho7ding his sha8y 9ingers in 9ront o9 his mo2th to emphasiDe his 9right. .1o2 ba8e birthday ca8es * and then yo2 had the a2dacity to ma8e my parents eat it34 Bis voice changed to a high pitch to so2nd 7i8e he was crying and he cringed. .Bow co27d yo234 Ryan gave me a teasing shove. .1eah TarynE Bow co27d yo234 I h2ng my head down. .I=m sorry. I have no e;c2se 9or my actions:4 I whispered.

.!o champagne 9or yo2E4 Ryan too8 the bott7e 9rom my hand. .She even begged 2s to come to some birthday party in Rhode Is7and. /e=re 72c8y I was trave7ing 7ast wee8 or e7se she wo27d have s2b>ected Iane77e and me to more o9 these horrorsE4 !ic8 9oc2sed bac8 on the magaDine. !ic8 made me >2mp s7ight7y when he gasped 7o2d7y. .Te77 the 7imo driver to stop. /e have to 8ic8 Taryn o2t. It says right here she=s >2st 2sing my brother 9or se;.4 Ryan sat 2p <2ic87y. .That=s tr2eE She 9orces me toH4 Be covered his eyes with the champagne bott7e and pretended to cry: s72mping bac8 into the seat. .)77 the timeE4 he wai7ed. .)nd she beats me tooE She says Gyo2 get na8ed and get in that bed or I=77 give yo2 something to really cry abo2t mister.= I mean: I=m on7y h2man. I=m not a machine.4 .Iane77e beats me a77 the time:4 !ic8 cried. .I 9ee7 so 2sed.4 .1o2 wishE4 she 7a2ghed. .I don=t 8now abo2t yo2 Iane77e: b2t i9 I have to pic8 2p his dirty soc8s and 2nderwear I want something in ret2rnE4 I de9ended. .I 8nowE4 she agreed. .The Christensen scent s2re doesn=t sme77 7i8e roses.4 .Bey: we ta8e pride in o2r scentE4 Ryan arg2ed. .I9 yo2r 9ans on7y 8newH4 I rep7ied. .-aybe they wo27dn=t be standing so c7ose to o2r doors.4 .I tho2ght yo2r 9ans were too b2sy 8issing their Seaside pi77owcases to trave7 a77 the way to Rhode Is7and:4 Iane77e teased. .Ao ahead and 7a2gh: Iane77e. I=m 7a2ghing a77 the way to the ban8.4 .@i77owcases34 I <2estioned. I had no idea what she was ta78ing abo2t. .)nd bed sheetsE !ow gir7s a77 aro2nd the g7obe can s7eep with Char7es at nightE4 Iane77e 7a2ghed. .I dry h2mped my Char7es pi77ow >2st 7ast night:4 !ic8 chort7ed: ma8ing obscene gest2res. Ryan threw the champagne cor8 at him. I gathered Ryan didn=t 7i8e that 7ast dig: beca2se Ryan threw the cor8 with some 9orce. !ic8 97inched away: smi7ing. .I 2sed the rea7 Ryan Christensen as a se; toy 7ast night:4 I whispered in Ryan=s direction: trying to 8eep him in a good mood. Ryan gave me a high*9ive and win8ed at me. .0amn straightE )nd then I sprayed yo2

with my persona7 scent to 8eep the other anima7s awayE4 ?2r 7imo drove past the main entrance to the arena: b2t the driver didn=t stop. -aybe he didn=t 8now where to drop 2s3 /e ended 2p stopping in the bac8 o9 the arena near a 9ew 7arge b2ses. The driver opened Ryan=s door and we headed towards a private entrance. Ryan too8 me by the handC I drew in a deep breath and 9o77owed him towards the bac8 door. Ryan Christensen wo27d never again enter thro2gh the 9ront doors o9 any p7ace 7i8e a reg27ar person. Two arena emp7oyees were waiting 9or 2s: obvio2s7y aware that we were coming. /e were escorted into an e7evator that too8 2s to the 2pper dec8 where a77 the private s2ites were 7ocated. ./hose s2ite is this34 !ic8 as8ed. .The ban8 I dea7 with has it rented 9or the season:4 Ryan answered. .They gave 2p 9o2r o9 their tic8ets 9or 2s: b2t we won=t be a7one. There are eight other tic8ets 9or this s2ite. )77 these s2ites are comp7ete7y boo8ed. This is as private as I co27d get.4 I watched as he r2bbed his 9orehead. .So we=re party crashing3 That=s coo7.4 !ic8 be7ched and crac8ed open a beer. The s2ite was 9277y stoc8ed with beer and wine and there was a hot b299et o9 9ood a7ready 7aid o2t on a 7ong tab7e. Ryan and !ic8 dove right in: he7ping themse7ves to the assortment o9 9ood and snac8s. The two brothers were a7ready partia77y dr2n8 and I was g7ad that Ryan was getting some 9ood in his stomach. I 7oo8ed o2t the 7arge g7ass window that over7oo8ed the arena. ?n the other side o9 the g7ass were twe7ve private seats. I 8new where I was going to be sitting d2ring this gameE The s2ite door opened: ca2sing a 97ash o9 7ight to re97ect o99 o9 the window. I instinctive7y t2rned aro2nd to see who was entering. /hat a big mista8e that was. 5o2r yo2ng: gigg7ing gir7s came thro2gh the door. They >2st abo2t b2rst o2t into hysterics when they saw Ryan Christensen was tr27y in the s2ite. -y eyes <2ic87y 97ashed over to RyanC I noticed he stopped chewing the wad o9 9ood that was crammed in his mo2th 9or a brie9 second whi7e his 7ips p2rsed together in annoyance. Iane77e s2bt7y e7bowed me and we both ch2c87ed 7ight7y. The gir7s were a77 dec8ed o2t in short s8irts and 7ow c2t tops. ?ne even had her copy o9 Seaside in hand. Ryan <2ic87y darted away 9rom the b299et tab7e and positioned himse79 between !ic8 and me. !o matter

where we went Ryan co27d not escape his 9ans.

The 9o77owing a9ternoon: Ryan=s 9ami7y gathered in the 8itchen: readying Than8sgiving dinner. .Boney: where do yo2 want me to set this34 i77 as8ed. Be was 7i9ting the enormo2s t2r8ey o2t o9 the oven. I t2rned aro2nd to see what he was re9erring to. (77en pointed to an obvio2s empty space on the stove: s7ight7y irritated that she had to give him direction. -emories o9 my dad as8ing my mom the same <2estion 97ashed in my mind. -y dad was he7p7ess too. I ret2rned my attention bac8 to scooping sweet potatoes into a serving bow7. Iane77e was so9t7y h2mming songs to herse79 whi7e she set the dinner tab7e. .Bey: Boney... where is Sarah=s bott7e34 !ic8 ye77ed 9rom the brown rec7iner in the 9ami7y room. /hen !ic8 ye77ed: I instinctive7y 7oo8ed over. Bis voice so2nded so m2ch 7i8e Ryan=s it was hard to te77 the di99erence. Ryan came sa2ntering into the 8itchen wearing one o9 the new pairs o9 >eans that I got 9or him. 5or some reason that tho2ght made me warm inside. I noticed he was 7oo8ing aro2nd the 9ami7y room 9or something. .Bey: Boney3 0o yo2 8now where my snea8ers are34 Ryan as8ed: momentari7y distracted by the te7evision. -y head nat2ra77y t2rned to answer him. Instead o9 rep7ying I bro8e o2t in 7a2ghter. I he7d onto the co2nter as my hi7ario2s interna7 tho2ghts crac8ed me 2p. (veryone stopped what they were doing to 7oo8 at me: wondering >2st what the hec8 was wrong with me. .There are too many honeys in this roomE4 I breathed o2t in >est: answering Ryan=s g7ance. That term o9 endearment m2st have been engrained in a77 o9 them. It was a7so apparent that all the Christensen ma7es were now incapab7e o9 independent tho2ght and action. .(very time someone ye77s GBoney= I t2rn aro2ndE4 I as8ed 9or it. I was bombarded with repeated .Boneys4 9rom a77 three o9 them.

Ryan started o2r 9irst Than8sgiving dinner p7ay9277y 8ic8ing me 2nder the tab7e. /e were both smir8ing when he s7ipped his 7eg 2nder mine so o2r 7egs were resting together. .0id yo2 g2ys have 92n 7ast night34 i77 as8ed: passing the bow7 o9 st299ing to me. I opened my mo2th to spea8: b2t !ic8 was <2ic8er. .It was a77 right: 2p 2nti7 Ryan=s 9ans showed 2p in the s2ite:4 !ic8 inter>ected c2rt7y: po8ing his b2tter 8ni9e at Ryan. .S2perstar had to sign his a2tograph and pose 9or pict2res and everything with his 7itt7e gir79riends.4 Bis snide tone was evident. .?oh: I want a pict2re. !o: pose with meE4 !ic8 teased in a 9orced high*pitch voice. Ryan s7apped some mashed potatoes on his p7ate. The serving spoon c7anged 7o2d7y when it made contact with the chinaC the noise made me 97inch. The scow7 on Ryan=s 9ace was evident. Instead o9 !ic8 being than8927 that Ryan provided an entire evening o9 9irst c7ass entertainment * 9ree o9 charge to him and his wi9e 6 he saw the opport2nity to give Ryan a cheap shot and too8 it. .Bow the hec8 did that happen34 i77 <2estioned. Be 7oo8ed over at Ryan. .I tho2ght yo2 had a private s2ite34 Ryan shr2gged. .It was a private s2ite 0ad: b2t there were sti77 eight other tic8et ho7ders. ?ne o9 the gir7=s 9athers was some senior F@ at the ban8 that has it rented 9or the season. She bro2ght 9riends.4 i77=s 9ace p277ed down in a 9rown. .It=s h2mb7ing: yo2 8now. I mean most actors wo27d 8i77 to have my prob7ems. This is what a77 actors strive 9or. )*7ist movies: )*7ist partsH not having to go to a2dition a9ter a2dition on7y to be t2rned down or passed over. I sho27d co2nt my b7essings: a9ter a77 it is Than8sgiving.4 Ryan too8 a moment to eat some 9ood. . esides: I=m getting 2sed to a77 o9 the 2nwanted attention.4 Be 7oo8ed right over at !ic8 when he said it. .It 2sed to rea77y bother me b2t I=m 9inding that I can >2st t2ne it o2t and ignore it.4 I pic8ed 2p on his 7itt7e dig bac8 to his own brother. Sib7ing riva7ry was a7ive and we77 right here at this dinner tab7e. .57e2ry made some incredib7e saves 7ast night and Crosby scored two o9 the three goa7s:4 I said to their 9ather: hoping to brea8 the tension that was starting to b2i7d between the two brothers. Ryan=s 7e9t hand s7ipped over my sho27der and he smi7ed at me.

.I=ve been a @ens 9an a77 my 7i9e and that was the 9irst time I got to see them p7ay 7ive on home ice. I had so m2ch 92nE Than8 yo2 again 9or ta8ing me:4 I g2shed: hoping !ic8 wo27d get the message to appreciate his brother. .-om: this t2r8ey is rea77y de7icio2s:4 !ic8 comp7imented. .(verything is rea77y tasty this year.4 .0on=t than8 me: than8 yo2r brother:4 (77en stated between bites. She pa2sed to chew. !ic8 <2ic87y tossed his ne;t >ab. ./hy3 0id Ryan open his 9at wa77et and hire a pro9essiona7 che9 to coo8 9or 2s this year34 I noticed Iane77e smac8ed him in the 7eg 2nder the tab7e. I was wondering i9 this was !ic8=s norma7 behavior or i9 he was going above and beyond to be an assho7e. .!o: !icho7as.4 (77en bro8e o2t her corrective mother tone. . 2t yo2r brother did bring Taryn home with him. She=s the one who coo8ed most o9 this de7icio2s 9ood: inc72ding the t2r8ey yo2=re en>oying.4 Ryan set the gravy boat down. ./ho 8nows: !ic8. -aybe ne;t year we co27d have Than8sgiving at my m27ti*mi77ion do77ar comp7ete7y pretentio2s ho2se:4 Ryan snar7ed. .I=m s2re Taryn wi77 be gracio2s eno2gh to spend an entire day coo8ing 9or my 9ami7y again. )nd: by the way: the ne;t time yo2 9ee7 inc7ined to dry*h2mp yo2r GChar7es= pi77ow: imagine ten percent o9 a77 the roya7ties going into yo2r da2ghter=s tr2st 92nd be9ore yo2 get yo2rse79 o99. y the time she=s two: she=77 be worth ten times more than yo2.4 .?8ay: that=s eno2gh:4 i77 reprimanded: trying to te77 his sons to 8noc8 it o99. .I=m >2st teasing him: 0ad. I don=t 8now why the s2perstar is getting a77 sensitive:4 !ic8 de9ended. Ryan set his dinner 9or8 down and p2shed his chair bac8: a2dib7y noting his depart2re 9rom the tab7e. Bis 9ingers to2ched my chin. .Boney: I need some air. I=77 be bac8.4 .Son: sit bac8 down:4 i77 somber7y re<2ested: b2t Ryan didn=t 7isten. Be grabbed his coat and 8eys and stormed o2t the 8itchen door. I 9o7ded my hands on my 7ap when I heard the She7by s<2ea7 o2t o9 the garage. .Taryn: I=m sorry:4 !ic8 2ttered: trying to so2nd sincere. I stared at him 9or a moment. .Than8 yo2: !ic8. 2t I=m not the one yo2 sho27d be apo7ogiDing to.4

.I can=t he7p it i9 he can=t ta8e a >o8eE4 !ic8 7a2ghed 2ncom9ortab7y: st299ing more 9ood in his mo2th 7i8e his ins27ts were no big dea7. I sat there in shoc8. I co27dn=t be7ieve how a member o9 Ryan=s own immediate 9ami7y: his on7y brother that he 7oo8ed 2p to: co27d be so ca77o2s and cr2e7. )9ter a77 the crap that Ryan has to p2t 2p with being an actor: coming home to his 9ami7y sho27d be a re7ie9 9or him: not another so2rce o9 pain. I 7oo8ed at their parents be9ore I t2rned my attention bac8 to !ic8. I co27dn=t ho7d my tho2ghts any 7onger. . e9ore yo2 chastise yo2r brother: !ic8: yo2 sho27d 8now how m2ch he envies yo2.4 .(nvies me34 !ic8 sco99ed. .1es: yo2:4 I stated ca7m7y. .1o2 have things in yo2r 7i9e that yo2 ta8e 9or granted every day * 9reedom: anonymity: privacy: sec2rity. Things yo2r brother no 7onger has. Bis s2ccess that yo2 tease him abo2t comes at a very steep price: b2t I tho2ght yo2 8new that a7ready.4 I g7ared at him. .1o2 a7so have things he desires * a home: a wi9e: a chi7d * norma7cy. 1o2 8now what yo2r brother has34 I ti7ted my head: ma8ing s2re to ho7d his eye contact. .Be has ac2te paranoia 9rom deranged sta78ers and 9ans coming a9ter him: p2b7ic h2mi7iation on a g7oba7 sca7e when they print 7ies abo2t him in 9orty di99erent 7ang2ages: negative criticism abo2t everything he tries to do: and constant scr2tiny by everyone 6 even 9rom his big brother that he adores.4 I co2nted them o99 on my 9ingers. . 2t s2re7y yo2 m2st 8now that a7ready. So i9 yo2 9ee7 inc7ined to 7et him 8now how remorse927 yo2 are: perhaps yo2 sho27d thin8 o9 that be9ore yo2 apo7ogiDe.4 !ic8 7oo8ed comp7ete7y d2mb9o2nded. Be was sitting there with his mo2th hanging open. ./o27d yo2 e;c2se me: p7ease:4 I whispered at Ryan=s mother be9ore rising 9rom the dinner tab7e. .I=m going to ma8e s2re he=s a77 right.4 I grabbed my coat 9rom the c7oset and ca77ed Ryan=s ce77. .Boney: come bac8 9or me. I want to go 9or a ride too. I=77 be waiting o2tside.4

Chapter 2/ - Tests

.Ca77 me once yo2=re in the 7imo: o8ay34 Ryan sighed. .I2st so I 8now yo2 made it home sa9e7y.4 I co27d see the sadness c7ear7y in his e;pression. It matched my own. /e both 8new it wo27d be a7most three wee8s 2nti7 we saw each other again: and the 7ast min2tes we had together were 97ying by. Be t2rned his She7by onto the main road that 7ed into the airport. .I wi77.4 I sni99ed: trying not to cry. I didn=t want to 7eave b2t I had to get bac8 to r2nning my p2b. Ryan was p7anning to spend some we77*earned time away with his 9riends: -att and Scott: and his brother be9ore 7eaving 9or Scot7and. The 9o2r men were going h2nting. Be and his brother a7so had some ma8ing*2p to do. .1o2 8now yo2 rea77y didn=t need to do thisH -arie or @ete co27d have pic8ed me 2p:4 I m2ttered. .Taryn:4 he groaned: 7oo8ing over at me. .1o2 8now why. I don=t 7i8e that yo2=re 97ying home a7one either.4 I stared o2t my window: thin8ing that he worried too m2ch. ?2r sta78er was incarcerated and most o9 the Seaside 9ans 7e9t town once the 9i7ming wrapped. The reasons to be 9rightened and paranoid were gone. .I=77 be a77 right. 1o2 sho27d stop worrying:4 I whispered. Be shoo8 his head at meC his 7ips 9rowned at my words. )77 too soon we were par8ed in 9ront o9 the doors 9or departing 97ights. I 7eaned across the center conso7e and 8issed him. I had to t2rn my -itche77=s @2b baseba77 hat on his head so the visor wo27d be o2t o9 my way. .I 7ove yo2:4 I 2ttered: missing him a7ready. .I 7ove yo2 too. I=77 see yo2 in L.). on the si;teenth.4 Be too8 my 9ace in his hands and 8issed me again. .It=s going to 9ee7 7i8e 9orever:4 he whispered: resting his 9orehead on mine. I t2rned to 7oo8 at him one 7ast time be9ore wa78ing into the airportH a7one. !o

sec2rity: no po7ice escort: no one ta8ing my pict2re: no one sho2ting my name or his. !o one rea77y even 7oo8ed at me. I stood in 7ine to go thro2gh baggage screening and sec2rity comp7ete7y 2nnoticed. The airport was b2sy with ho7iday trave7ers: b2t none o9 those trave7ers even 7oo8ed twice at me. I sat in the waiting area right o2tside my gate: not hidden away in some FI@ 7o2nge. There was no reason to hide. It dawned on me that my heart rate wasH norma7. -y heart wasn=t po2nding in my chest 7i8e it was when we 9irst started this trip. 5ear was p7easant7y absent 9rom my b7ood. ) yo2ng woman approached me. She gent7y smi7ed be9ore as8ing i9 the seat ne;t to me was ta8en. I smi7ed s7ight7y to myse79C I didn=t even ma8e a b7ip on her radar. The on7y di99erence between this 97ight home and any other 97ight I=d ever ta8en was that I was 97ying 9irst c7ass instead o9 sitting in the economy seats in the bac8 o9 the p7ane. 57ying 9irst c7ass de9inite7y had its per8s b2t the act2a7 97ights were so short that it didn=t rea77y matter what seat I had to sit in to get home. I said a 7itt7e prayer o9 than8s when my p7ane 9ina77y 7anded in @rovidence. I was not a 9an o9 97ying either. I p277ed the hand7e o2t on my 7itt7e s2itcase: ad>2sted my bac8pac8 on my sho27der: and 9o77owed the other passengers towards the e;it. I 7oo8ed aro2nd at the peop7e waiting 9or 9ami7y and 7oved ones to arrive: wishing I wo27d have been ab7e to come home to 9ami7iar 9aces waiting 9or me. Instead: some stranger wo27d be ta8ing me home. That tho2ght made me 9ee7 even 7one7ier. I 9o2ght the imp27se to ca77 -arie so many times to as8 her to pic8 me 2p: on7y beca2se I 8new Ryan was paying 9or this ride home persona77y o2t o9 his poc8et. esides: he insisted on a sec2rity escort. Whi h one of these strangers is my driver# I noticed his 9ace 9irst be9ore I read the 7itt7e sign that he he7d in 9ront o9 his body which had .-itche774 written on it. I s<2eeDed my eyes sh2t 9or a momentC 9ate certain7y had a wic8ed sense o9 h2mor. Be smi7ed at me: b2t it wasn=t one o9 those .I=m smi7ing beca2se I have to be nice to yo24 smi7esC it was more o9 a smir8 6 7i8e he was committing a crime by standing there ho7ding my name on a card. I stopped in 9ront o9 him and too8 a deep breath be9ore I 9o2nd the g2ts to say he77o. ./e7come homeE4 Jy7e said sm2g7y. .Can I ta8e yo2r 72ggage 9or yo2: -s. -itche7734

Be carried my s2itcase and 2shered me o2t to the car: which again: was another s2rprise. I had e;pected the typica7 b7ac8 sedan or an SUFC even a stretch 7imo wo27dn=t have been as shoc8ing. Instead he had his own persona7 car waitingH a nice 7itt7e two door si7ver )2di. .0id yo2 have a nice ho7iday34 Jy7e as8ed. I sensed he was >2st trying to ma8e po7ite sma77*ta78. .1es: I did. Than8 yo2 9or as8ing.4 I ch2c87ed 7ight7y to myse79: trying to ignore how c2te he 7oo8ed. . 2t the bigger <2estion is why are yo2 the one who is ta8ing me home34 I was a7ready in tro2b7e >2st being in this car. Be smir8ed: 8nowing I wanted him to e;p7ain. Be hit the gas peda7 to get 2s o2t o9 the airport 9aster. .I saw the pic8*2p re<2est on the assignment 7og and I vo72nteered:4 he con9essed. .I >2st wanted to see how yo2 were doing.4 Be 7oo8ed over at me and shr2gged. ./hy: is yo2r boyfriend going to be mad34 The way he said it: I co27d te77 that he didn=t care either way i9 Ryan was going to be angry or not. Be a7most so2nded 7i8e he we7comed the cha77enge. I stared o2t the car window: watching 9ami7iar road signs 97ash by. .@robab7y:4 I whispered. ./hen I te77 him.4 Jy7e g7anced over <2ic87y. .Then save yo2rse79 the arg2ment and don=t te77 him.4 .I have to te77 him:4 I admitted. .I2st in case someone too8 o2r pict2re. Bis @R team wi77 have to be in9ormed.4 ./ow:4 he so2nded astonished. .1o2 rea77y have gone Bo77ywood: haven=t yo234 Bis comment raised my p27se s7ight7y. ./hy do yo2 say that3 eca2se I happen to be invo7ved with someone whose 7i9e is constant7y 2nder p2b7ic scr2tiny3 eca2se I don=t want to give him one more reason to be h2rt * that ma8es me Bo77ywood34 .Bey 7oo8 Taryn: I didn=t mean to 2pset yo2. It=s >2st that yo2 don=t seem 7i8e the type o9 woman who wo27d p2t herse79 o2t there to be scr2tiniDed 7i8e that. 2t who am I to >2dge3 -aybe yo2 7i8e having yo2r pict2re p7astered a77 over those magaDines in the grocery store. /hat do I 8now34 he m2ttered: 7oo8ing over his sho27der to change 7anes on the highway. I h299ed. .I co27d de9inite7y do witho2t the 7ies that they print.4

Be 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .I can=t be s2re: b2t I=m wi77ing to bet those were a77 things yo2 never had to worry abo2t with other g2ys before him.4 I tho2ght abo2t his statement: bac8trac8ing thro2gh my history o9 9ai7ed re7ationships. .Lies have 9o77owed every re7ationship I=ve ever been in.4 -y admission made me 9rown. .(ven the 9abricated ones.4 .I don=t 8now. I tho2ght the stories abo2t o2r a77eged 7ove a99air were rather am2sing and e7o<2ent7y writtenE4 Jy7e said comica77y. .I s2ppose that=s why he got rid o9 me so <2ic87y.4 .1o2=d be correct in yo2r ass2mption:4 I whispered. .So are yo2 tired o9 a77 the 7ies yet34 he as8ed: shi9ting his car to acce7erate past a 9ew tractor*trai7ers. I stared at him. ./hat 8ind o9 <2estion is that34 Bis eyes 97ashed over to 7oo8 at me be9ore t2rning his attention bac8 to the road and driving. .I thin8 yo2 can do better. I thin8 yo2 deserve better.4 The tendons in his hand 97e;ed when he tightened his grip on the steering whee7. . etter than what34 I <2estioned. I9 he was going to pass >2dgement: he=d have to de9end his opinion. . etter than being p2t in harms way. etter than s2b>ecting yo2rse79 to p2b7ic ridic27e. etter than a77owing the media to 2se yo2 7i8e a p2nching bag.4 Be g7ared over at me. .0o yo2 want me to go on beca2se I can ma8e a 7ong 7istE4 I 9oc2sed on the 7andscape o2tside my window whi7e trying to s2bd2e the b2rning 9ee7ing in my chest. .!o:4 I m2ttered co7d7y. .I get yo2r point.4 -y ce77 phone started to p7ay in my p2rse. It was Ryan=s ringtone. .Bi:4 I answered: happy to hear 9rom him: b2t annoyed that he co27dn=t wait 9or me to ca77 him. ./here are yo234 Ryan demanded. .I=m in the car. /e >2st 7e9t the airport:4 I 7ied. Jy7e 7oo8ed at me and smir8ed: indicating that he ca2ght my 9ib to Ryan. .?h: why didn=t yo2 ca77 me3 I=ve been worriedE4 he contin2ed.

.Boney: I >2st got in the car. I was going to ca77 yo2 b2t yo2 beat me to it.4 I tried to be <2iet: b2t Jy7e was sitting 7ess than ten inches away 9rom me. There was no way to 8eep this conversation private. I r2bbed my 9ace with my 9ree hand. I was getting a sin2s headache 9rom this entire e;perience. ./e77: I >2st wanted to ma8e s2re yo2 7anded sa9e7y and that there was a car waiting 9or yo2 to ta8e yo2 home: that=s a77.4 I 8new Ryan cared: b2t he was a7so getting a bit contro77ing. .1eah: there was a driver waiting:4 I whispered. I heard Jy7e ch2c87e. .(verything is 9ine.4 .1o2 don=t so2nd 9ineE4 he pressed. ./hat=s wrong34 -y 7ove 8new me we77 eno2gh to ca77 me o2t on a 7ie. .!othing. -y sin2ses h2rt * m2st be 9rom the 97ight. Bow abo2t I ca77 yo2 when I get dropped o99 at home3 Is that o8ay3 Then we can ta78.4 Jy7e started 7a2ghing o2t 7o2d when I snapped my ce77 phone sh2t. .-r. Christensen chec8ing 2p on yo234 he teased. I gave him a dirty 7oo8. .Be=s concerned: that=s a77. esides: he cares eno2gh to ma8e s2re I=m ta8en care o9.4 .So2nds to me 7i8e he=s getting a 7itt7e possessiveE4 .-aybe he 9ee7s that I=m worth possessingE4 I 9ired bac8. Jy7e 9idgeted in his seat. .1eah: he=s right. I can=t 9a27t him 9or that one.4 Be drove down the a77ey: stopping by the bac8 doors o9 my b2i7ding. 5or the 9irst time in a 7ong time there were no paparaDDi: no 9ans: no one near my doors. The re7ie9 I 9e7t was re9reshing. Jy7e carried my s2itcase into the ha77wayC there was no way I=d a77ow him in the apartment. .Than8s: b2t I can carry it. @7ease >2st set it down.4 I r2bbed my chee8 again. -y 9ace was starting to h2rt 9or some reason. .Than8 yo2 9or the ride home.4 .1eah: s2re * no prob7em. )hh: so: are yo2 going to be open tonight34 Jy7e as8ed. .1es. That=s why I came home. I sti77 have a b2siness to r2n.4 I 7oo8ed at my watch: noting that I had three ho2rs to rest be9ore starting another 7ong night behind the bar. I wa78ed him o2t into the a77ey: hoping to send him on his way <2ic8er. Jy7e p2shed the tr2n8 o9 his car c7osed and smi7ed.

Be he7d his arms open: si7ent7y as8ing 9or a h2g goodbye. -y body responded witho2t me even thin8ing abo2t it: dragging me 2nconscio2s7y into the danger Done. .It was nice seeing yo2 again.4 Be grinned: 7oc8ing his eyes on mine. .I=77 see yo2 soon.4 I towed my s2itcase into the bedroom and dropped everything: inc72ding my coat: on the 97oor. ?2r bed 7oo8ed so so9t and inviting and the desire to 7ay down 9or a 9ew min2tes was overwhe7ming. I sn2gg7ed 2p on my pi77ow and p277ed Ryan=s pi77ow to my chest: catching his 9ami7iar scent and wishing he was 7ying ne;t to me. Ill !ust lose my eyes for a minuteH -y head sprang o99 the pi77ow when I heard my ce77 phone. .TarynE /hat=s going on34 Ryan sho2ted. ./here are yo234 .ShitE /hat time is it34 I 7oo8ed over at my c7oc8. It was <2arter o9 9o2r. I sat 2p <2ic87yC my head 9e7t 7i8e it weighed 9orty po2nds and my throat b2rned. .I 9e77 as7eep on o2r bed:4 I m2rm2red. .I=m sorry I didn=t ca77.4 Be was irritated. .1o2 co27dn=t ca77 me <2ic8 be9ore yo2 7aid down34 .I said I=m sorry:4 I repeated 9orce9277y thro2gh my sore throat. .I thin8 I=m getting a co7d. -y nose is a77 b7oc8ed 2p. I 9ee7 aw927.4 .1o2 so2nd sic8: Boney. I=m sorry. I was >2st worried.4 .I have 9i9teen min2tes to p277 myse79 together be9ore I have to open:4 I groaned. That=s when my sneeDing 9it started. -arie was a7ready behind the bar when I went downstairs. Cory came in a 9ew moments 7ater. oth o9 them wo27d be wor8ing 5riday nightC I had a band sched27ed to p7ay. -arie=s grin twisted to a concerned stare when she spotted the wad o9 tiss2es in my hand. I wasn=t in the bar 9or more than a 9ew min2tes be9ore she t2rned me by the sho27ders and sent me pac8ing 9or my apartment. .I=77 wait to hear abo2t yo2r trip when yo2=re not contagio2s. /e got this:4 she insisted. .Cory and I wi77 be a77 right. Ao: and ta8e yo2r germs with yo2E4 I c2r7ed 2p on my co2ch with a bo; o9 tiss2es and my <2i7t and dri9ted bac8 to s7eep. I wo8e 2p when the band started p7aying down in the p2b. The reverb 9rom the so2nd system made my pict2res vibrate on the wa77. .Bow are things going34 I as8ed -arie. It h2rt to swa77ow. I 7oo8ed aro2nd at the

crowd in the p2b. @ete waved to me 9rom his stoo7 by the 9ront door. Ber eyes stea7thi7y s7id bac8 and 9orth. .;yle is in the poo7room shooting poo7:4 she in9ormed. ./hat the hec8 is he doing here3 Be a7ready as8ed 9or yo2 onceE4 I r2bbed my 9ace with both o9 my hands. .Be drove me home 9rom the airport.4 ./hat34 she ye77ed. .Bow the he77 did that happen34 .Be saw the pic8*2p assignment and vo72nteered. I=m in so m2ch tro2b7e.4 She 7oo8ed at me: trying to ascertain why I tho2ght I was in tro2b7e. .I didn=t te77 RyanH yet. Be=s going to be so pissed.4 .0id something happen between yo2 two3 I mean: yo2 and Jy7e34 she corrected. .!o: there=s nothing going on.4 I 7oo8ed over my sho27der to see i9 I co27d spot him in the poo7room. ?2r eyes accidenta77y made contact and I watched him set his poo7 stic8 2p against the wa77 and head in my direction. .Bey TarynE /hat=s wrong3 )re yo2 o8ay34 Jy7e as8ed. I shoo8 my head. .!o: I have a co7d.4 ?ther tho2ghts ran thro2gh my head: 7i8e how m2ch I wished Ryan was here so I didn=t have to try and e;p7ain a77 o9 this over a ce77 phone. The crowd in the bar was de9inite7y manageab7e b2t I started washing dirty drin8 g7asses anyway. Cory 7oo8ed at me 7i8e I was craDy 6 7itt7e did he 8now I was 2sing it as an e;c2se to get away 9rom gorgeo2s Jy7e. . oss: what are yo2 doing34 Cory gr2mb7ed: dropping the bott7e o9 ho2se whis8ey bac8 in the tray. -arie grabbed my arm and ha27ed me away 9rom the sin8. .Ao bac8 2pstairs. This is a77 2nder contro7. 1o2=re sic8. 1o2 need to go restE4 she ordered: 7o2d eno2gh 9or Jy7e to hear. Jy7e waved his 9ingers in the air to say goodbye b2t I ignored him and 8ept on wa78ing. The way I 9e7t was odd. Jy7e was a pro9essiona7 bodyg2ardC his presence sho27d have made me 9ee7 sa9e and sec2re b2t instead I 9e7t the comp7ete opposite o9 that. Bis presence aro2nd me was s2rprising7y dangero2s. It was a7most noon on Sat2rday when my doorbe77 rang: ro2sing me 9rom my com9ortab7e resting spot on the co2ch. I p277ed my hair bac8 in a hair tie and grabbed a 9ew tiss2es a7ong my way.

Jy7e was standing in my a77ey with a 7arge: brown paper bag in his arms. .Bey: how are yo2 9ee7ing34 he as8ed. -h, (od, why are you torturing me# ./orse: act2a77y:4 I s<2ea8ed. Be he7d o2t the grocery bag. .I got yo2 some s2pp7ies:4 he said happi7y. .Tho2ght yo2 might need some o9 this st299.4 Be 9o77owed me 2p to my apartment and set the bag on my co99ee tab7e. .Tiss2es: nighttime co7d medicine: daytime co7d medicine: co2gh drops: and a who7e container o9 chic8en nood7e so2p 9rom my 9avorite corner de7i.4 Be p277ed each item o2t o9 the bag. .?h: and some crac8ers.4 .Than8s: b2t yo2 sho27dn=t have:4 I m2ttered. Litt7e did he 8now how many 9acets that one statement had. I 8new 9or a 9act that he had to drive over an ho2r to get here. It wasn=t 7i8e Jy7e 7ived right 2p the street or anything. Be was de9inite7y going o2t o9 his way to see me. ./o27d yo2 7i8e some so2p now34 he as8ed: testing the temperat2re o9 the container with his hand. .It=s sti77 s7ight7y warm.4 I nodded and started to stand 2p. Some hot so2p so2nded appea7ing 9or my sore throat. .Sit downE4 he insisted. .I=m pretty s2re I can 9ig2re o2t how to 2se yo2r microwave.4 -y eyes trave7ed to watch his incredib7e body and his nice ass wa78 towards my 8itchen. I covered my eyes and r2bbed my 9ace to banish the tho2ghts. I had to get him o2t o9 my apartment 6 as soon as possib7e. Then another tho2ght 97ashed thro2gh my mind. This wasn=t >2st my apartment anymore. This apartment was a home that I chose to share with RyanC a home where we were 7iving together in happiness and where no other man sho27d be standing. .Care927: it may be too hot now:4 Jy7e ca2tioned: handing a m2g o9 so2p to me. .Than8s:4 my voice strained as I set the c2p down on the tab7e. .Jy7e3 I appreciate a77 o9 this: b2t whyH why are yo2 here34 ./hat: we=re not a77owed to be 9riends34 he <2ic87y rep7ied. I tho2ght abo2t his <2estion 9or a moment and rep7ied with one o9 my own. .I9 yo2r

gir79riend was trave7ing o2t o9 town 9or wor8: do yo2 thin8 she=d appreciate another woman being in her home whi7e she was gone34 ./hat does that have to do with 2s being 9riends34 he co2ntered. )s sic8 as I 9e7t: I sti77 wasn=t 9a77ing 9or his b277shit. .I don=t thin8 yo2=re here beca2se yo2 want to >2st be 9riends.4 .1o2 thin8 I have some 27terior motive34 Jy7e <2estioned my g7are. .@7easeE4 I s<2ea8ed. .1o2=re a manC yo2 have a p27se. 0on=t <2estion my inte77igence.4 I wiped my snotty nose with a tiss2e: hoping that wo27d disco2rage his tho2ghts even more. .)77 right. To te77 yo2 the tr2th: when I saw that yo2 were 97ying home a7one I tho2ght that maybe yo2 and pretty boy bro8e 2p. I mean: yo2=ve got to admit that being with him de9inite7y has its drawbac8sE4 Bis 7itt7e dig on Ryan rea77y irritated me. .?h: and I s2ppose things wo27d be a 7ot better 9or me i9 I was dating someone e7se3 Someone 7i8e yo2 perhaps34 I hoped my tone was sarcastic eno2gh. .1o2r 7i9e wo27d be a he77 o9 a 7ot more private: that=s 9or s2reE !o cameras: no photographers: no 9anatics.4 Be tossed a pac8 o9 crac8ers over to me. ./ait. Let me see i9 I got this straight. So instead o9 being with someone 7i8e Ryan: who is trying to do everything possib7e to shie7d me 9rom danger: yo2=re saying I=d be better o99 with someone 7i8e yo2: who wi77ing7y ris8s his own 7i9e every day to p2t himse79 in 9ront o9 danger to protect comp7ete strangers. Is that right34 Be 7oo8ed away and then a 7itt7e coc8y smi7e appeared on his 7ips. .1o2=ve at 7east tho2ght abo2t it. That=s a good start. )nd I wo27d protect yo2 a he77 o9 a 7ot better than he wo27d. esides: being with me doesn=t come with ris8.4 .0on=t be so s2re o9 yo2rse79. 1o2 are the one who=s 9orcing me to compare the two o9 yo2. )nd to te77 yo2 the tr2th: there is no comparison.4 I got 2p 9rom the co2ch: irritated now by his presence. .Jy7e: I appreciate the so2p and the 8indness: b2t we can=t be 9riends.4 Be crossed his 9oot 2p on his 8nee: getting even more com9ortab7e in the chair. ./hy not34 . eca2se yo2 don=t want >2st a 9riendshipE4 I scorn9277y stated the obvio2s. .Jy7e: I

7ove Ryan. I have committed my heart to him.4 I pic8ed 2p Jy7e=s coat. .I=m sorry: b2t I thin8 it=s time 9or yo2 to 7eave now.4 .That=s a shame. 1o2=77 never 8now what co27d have been.4 I noticed he didn=t even attempt to get 2p. .1o2=re not married to the g2y: and I don=t see a ring on yo2r 9inger: so the way I see it: yo2=re sti77 avai7ab7e.4 .)vai7ab7e3 0id yo2 not >2st hear what I said34 I was no 7onger >2st irritatedC I was starting to get angry now. .I heard yo2:4 he m2ttered. .I a7so 8now that it won=t be 7ong be9ore he screws 2p and cheats on yo2. They all do event2a77y. Be=s not the 9irst actor I=ve had to watch over. 1o2=d be s2rprised to 8now the great 7engths they go thro2gh to 8eep their 7itt7e a99airs hidden. (ven the married ones screw aro2nd.4 .?h and I s2ppose i9 I was dating yo2: yo2=d be tota77y di99erent 9rom that. 1o2=d never cheat on me.4 I 7a2ghed moc8ing7y. .!o: I wo27dn=t. )nd i9 yo2 were with me: I=d on7y ta8e 7oca7 assignments so I wo27dn=t have to trave7 and be away 9rom yo2:4 he contin2ed. .There wo27d be no reason 9or yo2 to ever do2bt me.4 .I have no reason to do2bt Ryan either. 1o2=re a man: he=s a manC either it=s in yo2r nat2re to cheat or it=s not.4 -y throat 9e7t 7i8e I=d been swa77owing raDorb7ades and I was starting to r2n a 9ever again. It was time 9or him to go. .)nd I can te77 yo2: Jy7e: that it=s not in my nat2re to cheat either. I 7ove Ryan. That=s a77 yo2 need to 8now. !ow i9 yo2 don=t mind: I=d rea77y 7i8e to rest.4 I shoo8 his coat in my hand so he=d get the message. Be stopped to 7oo8 at me be9ore ta8ing his coat 9rom my hand. .I=77 be watching and waiting. 1o2=re an inte77igent woman. 1o2=77 come to yo2r senses soon eno2gh.4 Bis ass2redness was getting a bit creepy. I was g7ad when he 9ina77y 7e9t. I watched him wa78 ha79way down the a77ey to ma8e s2re he was 7eaving be9ore 7oc8ing 2p and setting the a7arm. ac8 in my apartment: I pic8ed 2p my ce77 and hit the 9irst entry in my phone boo8. It was time to come c7ean with Ryan. y -onday my co7d had morphed into something a7together more atrocio2s and wic8ed. The pain in my sin2ses and chest was a7most 2nbearab7e and I co27d not stop

co2ghing. -y ribs and stomach m2sc7es h2rt bad7y 9rom a77 the hac8ing and it was getting harder and harder to breathe. -arie he7ped me into her car which was par8ed by the bac8 door. I was re7ieved >2st 8nowing I wo27d be seeing a doctor today. .I to7d Ryan abo2t Jy7e:4 I whispered between co2ghing 2p 72ng tiss2e. She 7oo8ed at me: waiting 9or my 92rther e;p7anation. .Be was 7ivid.4 I wiped my nose. . 2t then a9ter he ca7med down he was g7ad that I to7d him. Be doesn=t 8now everything tho2gh. I spared him some o9 the detai7s.4 ./hat detai7s34 she as8ed: patting me on the bac8 as I co2ghed severe7y. I shr2gged: not 8nowing how to say it. .Jy7e pretty m2ch said that I=d be better o99 with him instead o9 being with Ryan.4 .!oE Be didn=tE /hat the he77 e7se did he say34 .Be said I sho27d consider dating him instead. Be=d be better 9or me. Be a7so bro2ght me so2p.4 I co2ghed o2t my 7ast words. .So2p34 She 7a2ghed. .?h: he=s goodE /hat did yo2 say to him then34 .I to7d him I 7ove Ryan and that he sho27d 7eave. Be sort o9 worried me a bit at the end. Li8e he didn=t want to ta8e Gno= 9or an answer.4 -arie stayed in the waiting room whi7e I went in to see my doctor. Be in9ormed me that I had a sin2s in9ection and bronchitis. 5or as terrib7e as I 9e7t: I was wondering i9 there weren=t a 9ew other 72ng in9ection terms missing 9rom his diagnosis. /e stopped at the 7oca7 pharmacy where I got a m27tit2de o9 antibiotics: nasa7 spray: and an inha7er. I mista8en7y g7anced over the 9ront o9 Ce7ebrity /ee87y whi7e standing in 7ine at the chec8o2t. The cover o9 the magaDine had a by*7ine that stated distance was tearing Ryan and me apart. Be >2st 7e9t 9or Scot7and this morningC how co27d we be sp7it apart a7ready3 ./hy are yo2 b2ying that shit34 -arie scow7ed. .)s i9 yo2 aren=t in bad eno2gh shape a7ready: yo2 need to torment yo2rse79 more34 .I=m not b2ying it.4 I co2ghed vio7ent7y into my s7eeve. .I hate the media. /hy do they do this34 I showed her the cover. I had no intentions to spend even a penny on that crap. It was 7ies 7i8e these that enticed peop7e to b2y the garbage in the 9irst p7ace. )nd every time someone bo2ght one o9 those magaDines: it a77owed some idiot to 8eep his >ob as a p2rveyor o9 7ies and gave another

idiot incentive to e;ist as an intr2ding photographer. (very dime spent on those rag magaDines perpet2ated the nonsense. That=s when -arie in9ormed me that a photographer approached her the other day and o99ered her two tho2sand do77ars i9 she=d get him pict2res o9 the inside o9 my apartment. These 7eeches were now going a9ter my 9riends. ?9 co2rse -arie dec7ined: b2t it was apparent that the magaDines wanted to get their hands on act2a7 photos o9 o2r .7ove nest4 as they p2t it. !ow I was even more paranoid abo2t having anyone in my apartment. Ryan ca77ed me every day whi7e he was in Scot7and: even i9 it was 9or on7y 9ive min2tes. Be tried to describe the 7andscape and architect2re so I co27d vis2a7iDe the e;perience he was havingC he even sent me a 9ew ce77 phone pict2res: b2t I sti77 wished I was there with him to e;perience it 9irsthand. It didn=t ta8e 7ong 9or pict2res o9 the cast in Scot7and to s2r9ace on the Internet. Ryan=s 9an site was <2ite re7iab7e with the 7atest se7ection o9 candid photos. Tong2es aro2nd the g7obe were sent wagging once the photos o9 Ryan and S2Danne=s .7ove scene4 were 7ea8ed. (ven Jat ca77ed me to ma8e s2re I wasn=t going to go ba77istic 9rom seeing the scanda7o2s photos. 5or some reason the 7ies abo2t Ryan and S2Danne=s re8ind7ed romance didn=t bother me as m2ch as it did when I 9irst met him. I g2ess I 8new both o9 them we77 eno2gh to 8now that Ryan didn=t have any romantic 9ee7ings 9or her despite how o9ten his 7ips had to to2ch hers. I 8new Ryan harbored deep resentment 9or S2Danne and her antics. She had wronged him too many times in the past 9or him to ever 7et go o9 his gr2dge: 7et a7one ever 7ove her. I did however worry abo2t S2Danne. -any o9 the 7itt7e st2nts she p277ed a77 pointed to her being mad7y in 7ove with him. I was onto her 7itt7e gameC a9ter a77 I too was once yo2ng and 9oo7ish. She didn=t try to brea8 2s 2p 9or 5rancesca=s bene9it 6 I was wrong with that ass2mption. Ber comments and evi7 tong2e on7y had one bene9iciary. She had made additiona7 comments a9ter her 7itt7e 9ai7ed tryst with Ryan=s 9riend Scott: indicating that she had hoped that i9 his 9riends tho2ght she was good eno2gh to s7eep with that maybe he might 9ee7 the same way. Un9ort2nate7y: her actions had the opposite a99ect on Ryan. The media s2re had 92n with a77 these r2mors and 7ies. )ccording to the reports: Ryan was bac8 with S2Danne: S2Danne reported7y to7d me to stay away 9rom her man: o2r re7ationship was over: and I was having a secret a99air with my 9ormer bodyg2ard behind

Ryan=s bac8. It was beyond ridic27o2s. .1o2 9ee7ing 2p to getting o2t o9 the ho2se today34 -arie as8ed: interr2pting my private viewing o9 severa7 o7d Ryan Christensen interviews on the comp2ter. I c7ic8ed the video pa2se b2tton and gave her a bit more o9 my attention. I=d been ho7ed 2p in my apartment 9or an entire wee8. .Tammy wants to ta8e 2s to 72nch. /e have to stop at the >ewe7ry store and then we need to go 7oo8 at bridesmaid dresses:4 she ramb7ed thro2gh the te7ephone. I was 9ee7ing a 7ot better and getting o2t into the 9resh air did so2nd appea7ing. I was a7so hoping to s<2ash some o9 the new worries that mysterio2s7y cropped 2p in my brain. -arie and Tammy had been acting: I don=t 8now * strange towards me 9or the 7ast co2p7e o9 days. I co27dn=t pinpoint the speci9icsC I co27d >2st sense it. -aybe it was the new way they both aw8ward7y smi7ed at me that ca2sed me to 9ee7 weird3 I had been rea77y i77 and I was e;treme7y than8927 that my two best 9riends were there 9or me: b2t I co27dn=t he7p b2t worry that they were getting tired o9 me and my new 7i9e o9 drama. .Tammy: yo2r wedding band is bea2ti927E4 I g2shed: watching the diamonds spar87e in the 7ight. She handed a chec8 to the sa7es c7er8. .Than8sE4 Tammy g7owed. .?n7y si; more payments and it=s mine.4 .Bey Taryn: come 7oo8 at this oneE4 -arie ca77ed o2t. She was 7oo8ing at emera7d rings. .Bow m2ch is that ring right there34 -arie pointed to a very ga2dy ring. The 7ady too8 it o2t o9 the case and chec8ed the tag. .This one is three tho2sand.4 -y eyes b2gged o2t. It was an 2g7y ring 9or three tho2sand do77ars. -arie tried to p2t it on her 9inger: b2t it wo27dn=t go past her 8n2c87e witho2t a good shove. .Bere Tar: yo2 have tiny 9ingers. -ode7 it.4 I s7ipped it on my right hand and he7d it o2t to her. It was the 8ind o9 stac8ed setting that wo27d ta8e a 7ayer o9 s8in o99 someone i9 yo2 br2shed 2p against them accidenta77y. -arie p7ayed with the ring on my 9inger: chec8ing the 7oo8 o9 it 9rom severa7 ang7es. I was s2rprised that she even 7i8ed this sty7e o9 >ewe7ry. She he7d my hand o2t to the sa7es c7er8. .So: what do yo2 thin83 0oes it 9it her34 .She wo27d need to be siDed:4 the 7ady answered: twisting it 9ree7y on my 9inger.

.1o2 co27d probab7y go down a ha79 siDe sma77er.4 I too8 it o99 immediate7y and handed it bac8 to the c7er8. I didn=t want anyone to thin8 I was interested in b2ying this 2g7y ring. .This ring is tiny. /hat siDe is it34 -arie p7aced it bac8 on her 9inger. .It=s a si;:4 the 7ady droned. .It=s the standard stoc8 siDe.4 .There yo2 go: Taryn. 1o2r ne;t >ob co27d be a hand mode7 since a77 o9 these wo27d 9it yo2:4 -arie teased. I tho2ght abo2t mode7ing my midd7e 9inger 9or her. .Bow sma77 is her 9inger34 -arie as8ed. The sa7es 7ady s7id a 9ew meta7 rings aro2nd my 9inger. .1o2 wo27d wear a 9ive and a ha79.4 .)re both hands the same siDe3 I heard one hand is a7ways bigger:4 -arie stated. The 7ady meas2red my other hand. .They=re the same.4 .Try that one on.4 -arie pointed to another ring. The sa7es 7ady handed me an opa7 and emera7d disaster. .1o2 8now yo2=77 have to start wor8ing yo2r 9ingers o2t more i9 yo2=re going to be interviewing 9or a77 those hand >obs:4 Tammy snorted at her own >o8e. .I=m s2re Ryan wo27d be happy to he7p thereE4 -arie 7a2ghed. .Come on: 7et=s get o2t o9 here and go try on some rea77y 2g7y ta99eta dresses now. /e got what we needed.4 .Spea8ing o9 dressesH4 I m2ttered and opened my p2rse to retrieve my ce77 phone. There was another very important a99air which re<2ired a very specia7 dress c7oser than Tammy=s wedding on my ca7endar. .I can=t be7ieve yo2 have Je77y )nn Aae7=s n2mber and yo2 can >2st ca77 her to ta78 abo2t dresses 7i8e it=s no big dea7:4 -arie teased. ./ho e7se do yo2 have in there now3 0rew3 Awyneth3 0emi34 -arie grabbed 9or my phone >2st as her own phone started to ring. .BiH Chery7:4 -arie m2ttered aw8ward7y. .Bey: can I ca77 yo2 bac83 I=m o2t with my 9riends Taryn and Tammy right now.4 -arie groaned. .?8ay: we77H 2m: 7et me thin8. Bow abo2t i9 I ca77 yo2 at five thirty3 5ive thirty:4 she repeated. .Aary=s sister:4 -arie answered my <2estioning stare. .She=s being a rea7 pain in the ass 7ate7y.4

Chapter 20 - #o""y4oo

It was sti77 dar8 o2tside when Tammy drove me to the airport the 9o77owing T2esday morning. -y 97ight o2t wo27d p2t me on the /est Coast at one o=c7oc8 in the a9ternoon: 7eaving me p7enty o9 time to be entertained by Je77y. Ryan to7d me to ma8e s2re I pac8ed 7ight: since it was a 7ot warmer in Los )nge7es: and to bring my new She77* (nterprises credit card as we77 to chec8 into the hote7. Ryan wo27dn=t be 7anding at L)R 2nti7 a7most nine o=c7oc8 at night on his ret2rn 9rom Scot7and. It wo27d ta8e him three di99erent 97ights to reach Ca7i9ornia. The s2n was bright when I wa78ed thro2gh the termina7 at L)R. I smi7ed to myse79 when I went a7most 2nnoticed by the 7eeches with cameras. -y h2nch was correctC there was paparaDDi sta8ed o2t at this airport twenty*9o2r ho2rs a day: seven days a wee8. -y reverie <2ic87y 9aded when I rea7iDed that Ryan wo27d have a di99erent 9ate when he 7anded tonight. Be wo27d be tired and annoyed by the 2nwanted attention 9rom the paparaDDi. S2re7y they wo27d not 7et him go 2nnoticed. There were <2ite a 9ew drivers waiting 9or arriving passengers near the e;it. -y eyes <2ic87y scanned the names on the cards that each one o9 them was ho7ding b2t I did not see my name. I 7oo8ed again. S2re7y I m2st have missed it the 9irst time. I reread each card 7oo8ing 9or Ryan=s name. That=s when I saw . ai7ey4 written on a card. Underneath it was She77* (nterprises. ) smi7e bro8e on my 9ace when the driver as8ed i9 I was -rs. ai7ey. $ot yet, but maybe one day# I de9inite7y 9e7t 7i8e an o2tsider in this 9oreign 7and ca77ed Los )nge7esH pa7m trees and e;pensive cars were on every street. The hote7 where we wo27d be staying was beyond anything I had ever e;perienced as we77. It e;2ded wea7th. .Aood a9ternoon. I=d 7i8e to chec8 in p7ease:4 I said to the man behind the marb7e co2nter. . ai7ey34 I stated sheepish7y: 2ns2re i9 that was the name o9 the reservation or not.

Be typed into his comp2ter. .Card p7ease:4 he re<2ested. 5ami7iar panic we77ed in my chest. I had no identi9ication with ai7ey on it. I handed him my driver=s 7icense and wondered how 7ong it wo27d ta8e Je77y to drive here and resc2e me when this g2y 8ic8s me o2t o9 the 7obby 9or 9a7se impersonation. Be handed it bac8 to me with a smi7e. .I need yo2r credit card p7ease: 9or veri9ication:4 he corrected. The 8ey card he handed me in ret2rn didn=t 2n7oc8 >2st any o7d hote7 room. That wo27dn=t be Ryan=s sty7e 9or treating me we77. This room was a h2ge s2ite dressed in shades o9 b2rg2ndy and cream with a rich mahogany wooden 97oor. (7egant wooden doors separated the grand 7iving room 9rom the bedroom: and there were two separate sets o9 5rench doors that opened 2p to the private ba7cony. The s2ite even had its own dining room. I set my bag down on the bi77owy beige and b2rg2ndy striped d2vet that covered the 8ing*siDe canopy bed and sighed o2t 7o2d. -r. Christensen wo27d s2re7y be treated 7i8e a 8ing in this bed 7ater. I t2rned on the 7ight in the bathroom and was s2rprised to see a p7asma te7evision mo2nted on the wa77: in per9ect view 9rom the 7arge soa8ing t2b. )nd then there it was * the 9ina7 to2ch 6 the g7ass encased shower with the shower pane7 o9 many p7eas2res. I had to give him creditC he was a simp7e man with simp7e needs: b2t when it came to providing 72;2ry: he s2re7y did it right. Je77y pic8ed me 2p at the hote7 an ho2r 7ater and proceeded to ta8e me to the swan8iest stores in L.). .Two things be9ore we go in there:4 Je77y anno2nced: par8ing her car. .?ne: yo2=re going to go into stic8er shoc8: so don=t 7oo8 at the price tags: and two: Ryan said yo2 have a 9i9ty grand credit 7imit on yo2r card so we have to behave.4 .5i9ty tho2sand34 I 9e7t 9aint. I reached 9or the air conditioning dia7 in her car and t2rned it 2p. She 7a2ghed at me. .There=s no way in he77 I=m spendingH4 I had to swa77ow. -y throat 9e7t tight. .I don=t care how m2ch money he hasE4 .Re7a;E4 she to7d me. ./e won=t spend a77 o9 it.4 .I >2st need a dress 9or the party and something nice to wear 9or o2r dinner meeting

with -r. 5o77wei7er. That=s it. I even bro2ght my b7ac8 hee7s 9rom home.4 She spent the ne;t severa7 ho2rs dressing me 7i8e one o9 her da2ghter=s arbie do77s. .Je77y: 9o2r tho2sand do77ars 9or two dresses34 I whispered nervo2s7y in her ear. )pparent7y these prices were no big dea7 to anyone 7iving on this side o9 the co2ntry. ./e=re going to ta8e a77 o9 this:4 Je77y in9ormed the gir7 behind the co2nter. She had stac8ed 2p the >eans and tops and even the tota77y se;y b7ac8 7eather an87e boots that I 9e77 in 7ove with. .?h and the 0ior handbag as we77.4 She pi7ed that on top. .Je77yE4 I grit thro2gh my teeth. (verything that I said I 7oved was on the pi7e. The p2rse a7one was over a tho2sand do77ars. .!oE4 I stated adamant7y to the cashier. .?n7y the two dresses and these shoes. I don=t want to b2y any o9 these other things.4 Je77y smi7ed and then whispered private7y in my ear. .1o2 are going to be photographed the entire wee8. 1o2 need to 7oo8 the part. This isn=t some wanna*be actor we=re ta78ing abo2t here. The p2b7ic e;pects his gir79riend to be sty7ish and se;y.4 I t2rned aro2nd and spo8e <2iet7y. .I don=t care. I=m not spending his money on things that are 2nnecessary.4 I p2shed the e;tra items to the side. .Can yo2 give 2s a min2te34 Je77y as8ed the cashier: p277ing my arm 9or me to 9o77ow her. .Taryn: he to7d me to ma8e s2re yo2 get whatever yo2 want.4 .)77 I want are these two dresses and the shoes:4 I in9ormed the cashier. .1o2r tota7 comes to 9o2r tho2sand seven h2ndred and ninety:4 the cashier anno2nced. I swa77owed hard as I handed her my She77* credit card. It was a7most e7even o=c7oc8 when Ryan 9ina77y came thro2gh the door o9 o2r s2ite. Be bare7y stepped 9o2r 9eet inside when I wrapped my arms aro2nd him. Be dropped a77 his be7ongings on the 97oor and grabbed a ho7d o9 me. It 9e7t 7i8e everything that had been wrong was p2t bac8 to right the moment his 7ips to2ched mine.

.Loo8s 7i8e yo2 had 92n yesterday:4 Ryan said: nodding his chin at the garment bags hanging on the door. I co27dn=t be7ieve how m2ch I missed wa8ing 2p in his arms. .I wo27dn=t necessari7y ca77 it 92n:4 I breathed o2t on his nec8: hiding my eyes in his

hair. Ryan 7i9ted 2p the bed sheet and 7oo8ed down at o2r bodies. .?8ay: now I=m rea77y worriedE I have thoro2gh7y chec8ed: and I 8now yo2=re a gir7. 1o2 have a77 the proper gir7 parts.4 Be ran his hand down over my rear: ca2sing me to 9idget. .I tho2ght a77 women 7ove to shop. /hat=s going on34 I t2rned away: re72ctant to have another conversation abo2t my aversion to spending his money. .I don=t 8now. I mean I had a 7ot o9 92n with Je77y. It=s >2st: we77 I 9ee7 g2i7ty.4 .A2i7ty3 /hy: did yo2 rob the store34 Bis eyes p277ed me bac8: 9orcing me to te77 the tr2th. .I >2st wanted to get a nice dress. I didn=t thin8 it wo27d cost so m2ch. I=m on7y going to wear it 9or a 9ew ho2rs.4 .Bow m2ch did yo2 spend34 he as8ed: so2nding reproach927. I 7oo8ed 2p at him with one g2i7ty eye. .In tota734 I swa77owed hard. .5o2r tho2sand eight h2ndred3 I got two dresses and new shoes to wear: one 9or dinner tonight and another 9or the party Sat2rday.4 Be shoo8 his head and scow7ed at me. ./hat were yo2 thin8ing34 .I 8now. I to7d Je77y it was too m2ch: b2t she to7d me that yo2r gir79riend has to 7oo8 sty7ish:4 I con9essed. .I sho27d have tried to 9ind something more a99ordab7e bac8 home: b2t it=s too 7ate now. I=77 pay yo2 bac8: I promise.4 .!o. That=s o8ay. I g2ess I=77 have to do another movie or something. It=s either that or we=77 have to drag the mattress o2t into the 9ront yard again.4 Be so2nded a77 disgr2nt7ed and then he ro77ed his body on top o9 mine. .Tar: yo2=re going to have to get 2sed to dressing 2p when I do p2b7ic appearances: award shows: and premiers. 1o2 8now that: right34 I nodded. .0resses and st299 aren=t cheap. 2t i9 yo2 9ee7 that strong7y abo2t spending my money: yo2 co27d a7ways wor8 o99 yo2r debt:4 he said s7y7y: so9t7y 8issing my 7ips. .I m2st warn yo2 tho2ghC I may as8 yo2 to do things that yo2 might 9ind disg2sting and perverse.4 Bis devi7ish grin made my heart race. .!ah: that=s o8ay. Let me get my p2rse and I=77 write yo2 a chec8.4 I teasing7y tried to wigg7e o2t 9rom 2nderneath him.

.I don=t ta8e persona7 chec8s.4 Be pinned me with his 7ong arms: pretending 7i8e he was going to ta8e a big bite o2t o9 my e;posed breast. . esides: I was hoping to s2b>ect yo2 to 9i9ty years o9 hard 7abor.4 .0oes this mean we have to renegotiate o2r terms again34 I whined: 7oc8ing my an87es together over his rear. .)bso72te7yE !ow ro77 over so I can change the 9ine print on o2r contract. I >2st have to get my eraser o2t down here:4 he >o8ed. ?2r morning together passed by so <2ic87y and now he was o99 again. .I=77 see yo2 aro2nd si;:4 Ryan said: 8issing me goodbye in the privacy o9 o2r room. .Listen: >2st have 92n and en>oy yo2rse79 this a9ternoon with Je77y. )nd don=t as8 how m2ch: a77 right3 I2st p2t it on the card 6 my card: not yo2r card:4 he corrected. .)9ter the screen tests I have to pic8 2p my new s2its and then I=77 meet yo2 here.4 I 8issed him goodbye and 9rowned when he s7ipped 9rom my hands. Je77y saw to it that I had the wor8s done at the spa that she too8 me to. I was scr2bbed: massaged: and p2ri9ied. I had never 9e7t so re7a;ed in a77 my 7i9e. -y s8in g7owed. )9ter the manic2re and pedic2re I had my hair c2t and sty7ed. I 9e7t 9ab27o2s. .I2st so yo2 8now: when we get bac8 to the room I=m tearing that dress o99 yo2r body:4 Ryan in9ormed in the car on o2r way to the resta2rant. I ro77ed my eyes. .I=m serio2sE4 Be too8 my hand and r2bbed it down the 9ront o9 his pants. .5ee7 that3 That=s 9rom >2st thin8ing abo2t itE4 .1o2 need to 9oc2s.4 I n2dged him. .Tit7es o9 Ionathan 5o77wei7er 9i7msH go.4 Be ramb7ed three tit7esC I 7isted twe7ve more 9rom memory. .I printed o2t a77 his wor8:4 I said: 2n9o7ding the papers I had in my p2rse. .Let=s see: te7evision creditsH 0irector and @rod2cer o9 ,ity Pulse: 0irector o9 -riginal Stories of Trouble and @A 7ies 6 a77 o9 which are c2rrent pro>ects. Be has never received an )cademy )ward: b2t he was nominated in 200# 9or two * est @ict2re and est 0irecting 9or The Wandering 8oad. ?h: and his 9i7m Safe .istan e grossed 200 mi77ion.4 I 97ipped the paper to the ne;t sheet. .Last pro>ect was the 9i7m $efarious )earts which premiered bac8 in -ay.4 I proceeded to <2iD Ryan a77 the way to the resta2rant. )gain the cameras c7ic8ed the

min2te we stepped o2t o9 the 7imo: b2t o2r bodyg2ard moved 2s <2ic87y into the b2i7ding. It was <2ite intimidating being the on7y 9ema7e at a tab7e o9 9o2r very power927 men. I too8 the 9irst seat ne;t to -r. 5o77wei7erC he 7oo8ed the 7east intimidating and most 9riend7y o2t o9 the se7ection. (ven tho2gh I received a warm we7come I co27dn=t he7p b2t 9ee7 7i8e they e;pected me to be a brain7ess bimboC the stereotypica7 9amo2s actor gir79riend that was >2st arm*candy. Their conversations convenient7y omitted me 9rom participating: so I sat <2iet7y and observed. I noticed that none o9 them even bothered to as8 9or a response 9rom me. Ryan tried to be accommodating by smi7ing in my direction every once and a whi7e: b2t he 7oo8ed >2st as 2ncom9ortab7e as I 9e7t. I had a 9ee7ing that this was going to happen: so I 8ept a 9ew aces 2p my s7eeve >2st in case. Ryan=s agent: )aron: was >2st what I e;pectedC 9orce927: power927: <2ite arrogant: and a 8now*it*a77. Be 8new everyone in this town and was de9inite7y one o9 its strongest p7ayers. I sensed when he 7oo8ed at Ryan that he saw nothing more than a >2icy cash cow in 9ront o9 him. Ryan was the meat behind his creative manip27ations. Ryan=s manager: 0avid: on the other hand: spent a great dea7 o9 time ad>2sting his Ro7e; on his wrist and chec8ing o2t the short s8irts and big breasts that passed by every twe7ve seconds. I noticed a 7277 in the conversation and too8 advantage o9 it. .-r. 5o77wei7er: I >2st want to congrat27ate yo2.4 -y words came o2t nervo2s7y as I spo8e <2iet7y to him. .I read that yo2r 9i7m $efarious )earts might get severa7 )cademy nods: inc72ding best pict2re. Bow very e;citingE4 I smi7ed po7ite7y. .Than8 yo2E I=m e;ceptiona77y pro2d o9 that 9i7m.4 Be ad>2sted his position to 9ace me. .0id yo2 have an opport2nity to see it34 Be raised an eyebrow. .1es sir: I didE )7tho2gh I m2st apo7ogiDe that I was on7y ab7e to see it once it was re7eased on 0F0. I=m sorry I didn=t contrib2te to yo2r opening n2mbers: b2t regard7ess I tho2ght it was 9ab27o2s.4 Be smi7ed at me and shi9ted his weight to 7ean in my direction: setting his g7ass o9 bo2rbon down to p7ace an in<2isitive 9inger near his mo2th. .So te77 me dear: what was it abo2t the 9i7m that yo2 rea77y 7i8ed34 Ryan s<2irmed in his chair. I co27d 9ee7 his paranoia: b2t I was prepared with witty sma77 ta78. I sensed right away that this was his testC Iohn was ca77ing me o2t to see i9 I had

rea77y seen the 9i7m or i9 I was 7ying thro2gh my teeth. .I was very intrig2ed by the character deve7opment * how a77 the principa7 characters were introd2ced in 97ashbac8s3 That was very inventive. It rea77y capt2red my attention. I m2st admit that I was ta8en with the main character Ai7es right away. ?h: the 9ee7ings that he invo8ed in meE I didn=t 8now i9 I wanted to 7ove him or despise himE4 I po7ite7y ch2c87ed. . 2t in the end: o9 co2rse: I co27dn=t he7p b2t root 9or himE )nd that=s why yo2r 9i7m was recogniDed by the )cademy. I tho2ght Aerard did a phenomena7 >ob in the ro7e as we77.4 Litt7e did anyone at this tab7e 8now: I had >2st watched the movie two wee8s ago whi7e I was sti77 recovering 9rom bronchitis and I had read severa7 p2b7ished reviews to obtain the b277shit that >2st ro77ed o2t o9 my mo2th. The movie act2a77y con92sed the hec8 o2t o9 me at some points. Ionathan nodded his head and smi7ed wide7y at me. /e contin2ed to have a disc2ssion on the 9i7m=s cast: 2nti7 his head and attention ti7ted in Ryan=s direction. .)nd yo2: Ryan3 0id yo2 by chance get to see my 7ast wor834 Ryan 8ic8ed me in the 9oot as he straightened 2p in his seat and ad>2sted his shirt co77ar. I 7oo8ed over at Ryan 7oving7y: 8nowing 9277 we77 he had not seen the 9i7m nor prepared 9or this meeting. 0avid 7oo8ed away: pretending to be distracted. .Ryan34 I beamed. ./o27d yo2 mind i9 I to7d him the story34 I ran the tip o9 my 9inger down my nose then gent7y r2bbed my painted 9ingernai7s 2nder my chin. Ryan c7eared his throat nervo2s7y and then ac8now7edged my secret gest2re. . y a77 means.4 Be motioned with his hand 9or me to contin2e. I 7oo8ed bac8 at Ionathan pretending to 9ond7y remember my ta77 ta7e. .It was >2st at the point when Arant admitted to Ai7es that he was a thie9 and an accidenta7 m2rderer when Ryan and I had o2r 9irst heated 9i7m debate.4 I smi7ed at Ryan. I co27d c7ear7y see in the way he narrowed his eyes at me that he was dying to 8now where I was going with this. .Ryan was o9 the opinion that Arant=s reve7ation wo27d be deemed as the 27timate betraya7 to his brother and that in the end brother wo27d t2rn on brother. 2t I disagreed. There was >2st something in the way Ai7es was so metic27o2s in his persona7 habits as a chi7d that I >2st 8new that the two brothers wo27d 2nite in the end. . y the way: -r. Christensen: I do be7ieve yo2 sti77 owe me a bott7e o9 wine 9or

7osing that betE4 I teased. .I be7ieve I owe yo2 an entire vineyard by now: Sweetheart.4 I 9e7t Ryan=s hand s7ide onto mine. .1o2 m2st be very int2itive to have g2essed the o2tcome. ravoE4 Ionathan comp7imented: pa2sing to ta8e another sip o9 his bo2rbon. .So te77 me: what does yo2r int2ition te77 yo2 abo2t Slip"not3 Ryan to7d me yo2=ve been r2nning 7ines with him so I ass2me yo2=ve read the script in its entirety34 I too8 a deep breath. .1es sirH many times:4 I whispered. ./e77 then3 /hat does yo2r int2ition te77 yo234 .It has action and s2spense a7ong with a hea7thy dose o9 romance. Isn=t that a 9i7m tri9ecta34 I stated the obvio2s. Ionathan shi9ted in his seat. .0o yo2 9ee7 the story is ?scar worthy34 he as8ed: eager7y awaiting my rep7y. .She isn=t <2a7i9ied to answer that <2estion: Iohn:4 )aron ca77o2s7y interr2pted. .Be is right. I can=t answer that:4 I admitted adamant7y. Ionathan raised a hand to stop 2s both. .-y <2estion has nothing to do with <2a7i9ications:4 he dismissed. .I want to 8now yo2r g2t 9ee7ing.4 .IohnE Rea77yE /e 8now it=s going to be phenomena7E4 0avid 7oo8ed aro2nd at everyone: 7a2ghing con9ident7y. ./hy wo27dn=t it get an ?scar nomination. I meanH4 .!ow 0avid: 7et the 7ady spea8E4 Ionathan ordered. .Taryn3 @7ease: go on.4 .Bonest7y3 5or best pict2re34 I hesitated and too8 a big g27p o9 wine 9rom my g7ass. I co27d 9ee7 )aron menta77y ye77ing at me to sh2t 2p and 0avid appeared ready to va27t over the tab7e to cap my mo2th: b2t I was as8ed a direct <2estion. I tho2ght abo2t a77 the research I did on the ?scars when I wondered what 8ind o9 ro7e Ryan co27d p7ay to garner a est )ctor in a Leading Ro7e nod and reca77ed that a77 best pict2res seemed to have one thing in common. .I don=t thin8 so: sir. /i77 the 9i7m gross mi77ions3 )bso72te7y * especia77y with a strong 7ead actor 7i8e Ryan. )nd with yo2r bri77iance and vision it wi77 definitely be a hit. 2t I thin8 the script as it stands is missing that epic overtone that is re<2ired o9 best pict2re awards. The story is compe77ing: b2t the main character is a mystery so7ver 6 not a hero.4 )aron tossed his 9or8 onto his p7ate: noting his disapprova7. I he7d my eyes c7osed 9or

a 9ew seconds and interna77y bashed myse79 9or opening 2p my big 7ipstic8*covered mo2th. Maybe arm+ andy, dumb bimbo would have been a safer approa h after all# Ionathan 7eaned over and spo8e direct7y to Ryan. ./here did yo2 say yo2 9o2nd this amaDing woman again34 .?n the 6ast Coast.4 Ryan ch2c87ed. ./hy3 1o2 p7anning to stea7 her 9rom me34 .@erhaps: i9 yo2=re not care927E I can=t te77 yo2 how re9reshing it is to have honest conversation with someoneE4 Ionathan smi7ed and patted my hand. .That=s a <2a7ity that this b2siness is serio2s7y 7ac8ing.4 Bis warm eyes g7inted at me. .Re7a;: my dear. I had the same e;act 9ee7ings abo2t the script. I=ve a7ready disc2ssed some re*writes.4 Ionathan contin2ed: ch2c87ing to himse79. .!ow onto the b2siness at hand. Let=s disc2ss ma8ing a 9i7m.4 I s7id bac8 into my chair whi7e my nerves twisted into 8nots. The 2rge to get on a p7ane and r2n 9or home was overwhe7ming. ?nce the 7imo driver ret2rned 2s to the private garage entrance to o2r hote7: Ryan and I practica77y ran 9rom the e7evator to o2r room. Be pressed me into the door and 8issed me passionate7y: sh2tting the rest o9 the craDy wor7d o2t behind 2s. I2st as Ryan had 9orewarned: he a7most tore my dress o99: str2gg7ing impatient7y with the Dipper. /e aggressive7y removed each other=s c7othing: 2ndressing right there in the entryway o9 o2r s2ite 7i8e some se;*starved: horny teenagers. ?2r bodies >oined together: testing o2t the st2rdiness o9 the 7iving room 92rnit2re: the co99ee tab7e: and even the po7ished mahogany dining tab7e be9ore twining into one on the 9resh7y made canopy bed. The ne;t morning we bare7y had time to swa77ow o2r room service brea89ast be9ore having to be on the move again. I tho2ght we were going to be ab7e to spend some time together a7one: b2t that was an 2n9279i77ed wish. Riding in the bac8 seat o9 another cha299e2red sedan: we passed the 9amo2s Bo77ywood sign on the hi77side as we drove to the st2dio where Ryan was to attend a magaDine photo shoot. 0avid: Ryan=s manager: was 9orever twisting his e;pensive watch on his wrist. .0id yo2 read those scripts that )aron sent yo234 .1eah: I did:4 Ryan answered: scanning his ce77 phone messages again. .Sa red Mountain: Ryan. That=s yo2r ne;t big hit.4

.I=m not interested in sci*9i right now: 0avid. I to7d yo2 that I want to p2rs2e The Isletin Solution% 1o2 and )aron are s2pposed to be wor8ing on that.4 0avid=s 7ips p2rsed. .I don=t 8now why yo2 have that script st2c8 in yo2r head. @eop7e are not going to 7ine 2p at the theaters to see Ryan Christensen p7aying some med st2dent 9rom the 1&#0=s who does medica7 tria7s on dogs.4 .It was the 1&20=s 6 1&21 to be e;act:4 I inter>ected. 0avid shot me a dirty 7oo8. ./hat did yo2 say34 he as8ed: annoyed by my interr2ption. .It happened in 1&21. 1o2 said the 1&#0s:4 my s2bconscio2s big mo2th rep7ied. ./hatever. It doesn=t matter:4 he said terse7y: <2ic87y t2rning his attention bac8 to Ryan. .1o2=77 be better o99 doing Sa red Mountain. 1o2 need another pro>ect 7ined 2p: and this one is a big b2dget 6 big action with a big st2dio to bac8 it 6 not to mention a big paychec8 9or yo2E4 Ryan 7oo8ed over at me: trying to ga2ge my opinion be9ore he gave his response. I scratched my chin repeated7y. .) sci*9i 9i7m: 0avid3 Rea77y34 Ryan=s nose wrin87ed. .1es: Ryan. Rea77yE 1o2 need to 7ine 2p a pro>ect a9ter the third Seaside and this one is it. I=m te77ing yo2 * this one is a77 yo2rsE )aron and I a7ready spo8e to Stevens at Universa7. )77 yo2 have to do is say yes and we can sea7 this dea7. 2t the time is now: Ryan. Be wants yo2 to 7oc8 in: so 7et=s 7oc8 it inE4 0avid=s enth2siasm was apparent. .I don=t 8now. I=ve read the script and the story is wea8. I=d rather do 9i7ms that are more meaning927 and memorab7e 6 character driven. )re peop7e going to r2n to the theaters to see me 9ro7ic aro2nd with 7itt7e gray a7iens3 I don=t thin8 so. I=77 <2it acting be9ore I do shitty 9i7ms. esides: Taryn read Isletin and she 9ee7s it wo27d be a better ro7e 9or me.4 I gasped 9rom the s2rprise. /hy did Ryan have to mention my name3 Be said it so noncha7ant7y and then simp7y ret2rned to being distracted with his phone. 0avid instant7y g7ared at me and I co27d 9ee7 his disdain. I wanted to de9end myse79 b2t I 8ept my mo2th sh2t instead this time. This was between Ryan and his manager. .Isletin is a s7eeper:4 0avid groaned. .It=s career s2icide.4 Be made s2re to 7oo8 direct7y at me when he said that. .1o2 need big action now. 1o2 have to 8eep this energy ro77ingE4

.I=m a7ready signed on 9or three 9i7ms ne;t year. esides: I want to try and have a 7i9e somehow in between it a77.4 Ryan pic8ed 2p my hand and wove o2r 9ingers together. 0avid=s disapproving eyes stea7thi7y 9o77owed Ryan=s gest2re. .Ryan: 7et me give yo2 some advice. 1o2 haven=t been in the b2siness 7ong eno2gh to pass 2p opport2nities 7i8e this. )nd 9orget abo2t s7owing down. 1o2 s7ow down now and yo2r career is over in this town. Sa red Mountain is a money pro>ect and the prod2cer is even wi77ing to wait 2nti7 yo2=re done shooting the third Seaside. 1o2 need to >2mp on this pro>ect and 9orget abo2t the script that has no bac8ing.4 Ryan too8 a deep breathC his indecision was starting to show. I s<2eeDed his hand in mine to get his attention. /hen he g7anced over at me I r2bbed my 9orehead and then scratched my chin. Be wo27d not ma8e his mar8 as a serio2s dramatic actor with a story7ine 7i8e Sa red Mountain. It was beyond cheesy. .Let me thin8 abo2t it:4 Ryan rep7ied. .I want to ta78 it over with Taryn.4 -ar7a: his @2b7icist: was a7ready at the st2dio waiting when we arrived. Ryan was sched27ed to give a brie9 interview a9ter the photo shootC -ar7a was there to mind his tong2e and ma8e s2re his image was capt2red correct7y. I was 2nder the impression that this shoot was >2st a magaDine spread and an interview o9 Ryan: however that ass2mption was <2ic87y bashed when I saw S2Danne in the ma8e2p chair. 5or the ne;t seven ho2rs I watched Ryan and S2Danne ma8e n2mero2s wardrobe changes as they posed together over and over again. S2Danne: o9 co2rse: p7ayed 2p her most 9ort2nate position. She was re7ishing in the 9act that it was she in these photos with Ryan and not me. In between shots: a team o9 ma8e2p artists tended to her and made her smo8y eyes even more a772ring. I was ab7e to ta8e a 9ew re7a;ing breaths when Ryan posed a7one. Be 7oo8ed 2ncom9ortab7e 9rom time to time: crac8ing >o8es and occasiona77y ma8ing 92nny 9aces to he7p pass the time. I remembered the 7ast time I had my pict2re ta8en pro9essiona77yC it was when I grad2ated 9rom rown. It was one o9 my memories that I tried to s2ppress in the dar8est corners o9 my brain. I winced: reca77ing that 9ate927 day when I was waiting 9or my mother to come home 9rom grocery shopping so we co27d go pic8 2p my photos 9rom the photographer. That was

the day she died. I9 on7y I had gone shopping with her instead o9 giving her a hard time: I co27d have prevented it. .)re yo2 o8ay34 Ryan as8ed d2ring a brea8. .1eah.4 I nodded. .I2st deep in tho2ght.4 .0avid wants an answer.4 Be 7oo8ed 2ns2re. ./hat are yo2 going to te77 him34 ./hat sho27d I te77 him34 he co2ntered. .It=s yo2r decision: Boney. I=77 s2pport any choice yo2 ma8e.4 Be gave me a disg2sted 7oo8. .I want yo2r opinionE4 I too8 a deep breath. .Ryan: a77 o9 yo2r ido7s have done a wide variety o9 9i7ms. Some were memorab7e: some were a paychec8: and some were a disaster. 2t yo2 said it yo2rse79H it=s those decisions that co27d ma8e or brea8 a career. .1o2 have three pro>ects coming 2p: a77 9i7ms destined to be bo; o99ice hits: b2t they co27d be yo2r stepping stones to even greater things. 1o2 8now as we77 as I do that you are in a 2ni<2e position to rea77y direct yo2r career. 2t yo2 chooseE 0on=t 7et them choose it 9or yo2. .1o2=re signed on 9or Thousand Miles with Slip"not sched27ed right a9ter that. Then yo2 have the press to2r: >2n8ets: and premiers 9or 8eparation in the beginning o9 )pri7 and Seaside Two in I27y. Rehearsa7s 9or the third Seaside start in September. 1o2 have nothing on the doc8et a9ter that: and i9 Universa7 is wi77ing to waitH4 Ryan nodded. . 2t Boney: it=s not a matter o9 sched27e and whether yo2=re avai7ab7e or not. Is Sa red Mountain the type o9 9i7m yo2 want to be associated to3 -y opinion is that it=s not a story 7ine that wi77 ma8e yo2 shine and stand o2t as a power927 7eading man. I mean: wo27d Leonardo 0eCaprio do it34 Ryan shoo8 his head <2ic87y. .I don=t thin8 so.4 ./e77 then3 1o2 and U5?s wi77 ma8e money. 1o2 and U5?s wi77 not garner awards or ma8e yo2 a we77*respected: we77*ro2nded actor. 0reams on7y come tr2e i9 yo2 point yo2rse79 in their direction.4 I watched his e;pression change when he comprehended. I was s2rprised that his manager and his agent were p2shing the sci*9i movie on him.

Ryan had never ta8en a ro7e 7i8e that be9ore: and a7tho2gh I co27d see the importance o9 showing his acting range by portraying di99erent characters: the 7ead in Sa red Mountain seemed to be a h2ge deviation 9rom what he had been doing. /hi7e we dressed in o2r evening wear 9or the wrap party: I co27dn=t he7p b2t bring the s2b>ect 2p again. Ryan was very open to disc2ssing the pros and cons o9 the ro7e. I wanted to ma8e s2re that the decision he made was we77 tho2ght o2t and that my in972ence didn=t hinder him 9rom accepting a worthwhi7e ro7e. ./ait to be escorted:4 -ar7a in9ormed Ryan when we p277ed 2p to the grand hote7 where the Seaside wrap party wo27d be ta8ing p7ace. Ber a2thoritative tone snapped me o2t o9 my private tho2ghts. .I 8now:4 Ryan m2mb7ed: c7ear7y 8nowing what was e;pected o9 him. -ar7a edged her body c7oser to Ryan so she wo27d be ab7e to e;it the car right behind him. Ryan=s door opened and severa7 9ormidab7e sec2rity men s2rro2nded him immediate7y. 5o2r men <2ic87y escorted him across the street where the paparaDDi and h2ndreds o9 9ans were waiting. The camera 7ights and photo97ashes 7it 2p the nighttime s8y. I sat there comp7ete7y he7p7ess: watching Ryan become b7inded as the vo72me o9 e;cited screams became dea9ening. I s7id across the 7eather seat to e;it the car at the c2rb b2t -ar7a was b7oc8ing my way. ?nce Ryan was sa9e7y across the street I was a77owed to get o2t o9 the car. .This way -iss:4 some man in a s2it ordered. I was removed 9rom the car and was a77owed to watch the mayhem 2n9o7d across the street 9rom a discrete spot near the hote7 entrance. @eop7e were screaming and sho2ting at Ryan 9or his a2tograph and 9or pict2res. .Ryan: Ryan: over here: Ryan:4 the crowd screamed 9or him over and over again. B2ndreds o9 cameras 97ashed 7i8e strobe 7ights in his eyes whi7e he wi77ing7y s2b>ected himse79 to the ca77 o9 9ame. Be signed a2tograph a9ter a2tograph and posed with every person who had a camera. -ar7a and 0avid: his .hand7ers:4 hovered d2ti9277y behind Ryan whi7e he p7ayed his part. I wanted so bad7y to r2n across the street and drag him away 9rom a77 o9 that insanity. Be was a person: b2t he was treated 7i8e p2b7ic property. (veryone wanted a piece o9 him and I do2bted there were eno2gh pieces o9 him 7e9t to go aro2nd.

)9ter a7most ten min2tes: Ryan was 9ina77y escorted bac8 across the street by his sec2rity team. Be was immediate7y 2shered to a carpeted area where the press was waiting. Ryan wasn=t a7one on the carpetC severa7 o9 his cast mates were a7so giving interviews. en and Ca7 both tapped Ryan in the arm when he passed by. I stood o99 to the side whi7e Ryan posed and spo8e to reportersC he appeared to be in his 2ncom9ortab7e b2siness mode again. I didn=t 8now whether to be pro2d or concerned 9or him. .1o2 7oo8 gorgeo2sE4 Je77y whispered in my ear. I t2rned aro2nd to see her standing behind me. .?h: Je77yE4 I h2gged her: re7ieved that I wasn=t standing a7one anymore. .1o2 7oo8 9ab27o2s tooE4 S2Danne=s 7imo p277ed 2p to the c2rb and she was immediate7y escorted to the carpet where Ryan and the g2ys were standing. She didn=t hesitate stepping over to Ryan=s side. .I=77 see yo2 inside.4 Je77y patted my arm as Ca7 whis8ed her away. I watched as they both posed as a co2p7e 9or the paparaDDi. I stood there by myse79 again: p7aced o99 to the side and o2t o9 the way by one o9 Ryan=s hand7ers. They had me hiding inconspic2o2s7y ne;t to some topiary in the dar8: where I co27d 9ee7 7i8e an idiot private7y in my three tho2sand*do77ar o2t9it. I de9inite7y 9e7t o2t o9 p7ace. .Aood evening: Taryn:4 0avid greeted me in the shadows. I was momentari7y st2nned by his s2dden 9riend7iness. Be was a 7ot more stando99ish towards me yesterday. Bis wandering eyes g7anced over my body and his creepy demeanor sent a twinge o9 rev27sion thro2gh me. .Aood evening: 0avid:4 I said po7ite7y: even tho2gh his eyes were st2c8 at viewing my c7eavage. .SoH youre the one giving Ryan bad career advice:4 0avid s2rmised: 7a2ghing every so s7ight7y. .I was wondering who was 9i77ing his head with nonsense. !ow I 8now.4 I g7ared at himC his moment o9 niceties was b7atant7y over. ./e77: we obvio2s7y have a di99erence o9 opinion o9 what=s considered bad career advice: 0avid.4 .1o2 co27d say that againE4 he said arrogant7y. .)nd yo2 certain7y are imposing yo2r opinions 9ree7y on him.4

(reat, another onfrontation. )pparent7y he was sti77 bitter that I in9ringed on his territory. .Be and I ta78ed abo2t the scripts: that=s a77. Ryan is a grown man. )e ma8es his own career decisions:4 I retorted. I was watching Ryan 9rom a distance whi7e he spo8e to a reporter. .Be 2sed to ma8e his own decisions: b2t that doesnLt seem to be the case 7ate7y:4 0avid stated c2rt7y. .?h: by the way: that was a rea7 ris8y move yo2 made at dinner the other night * spea8ing to 5o77wei7er 7i8e thatE @erhaps yo2 sho27d consider 7eaving the career management activities to those o9 2s whose >ob it is to do so. ?8ay: sweetheart3 1o2r >ob is to >2st 7oo8 pretty on his arm.4 /hat nerve this >er8 hadE I didnLt 8now i9 I wanted to s7ap him in the 9ace or 8nee him in the crotch. Instead: words 97ew o2t o9 my mo2th. .1o2 8now: 0avid: yo2 are so 9ar away 9rom having a c72e that I=m s2rprised there=s even air 9or yo2 to breath there. 1o2 did nothing to prep Ryan 9or that meeting and then yo2 7e9t him hang o2t to dry when Ionathan as8ed him abo2t seeing his 9i7mE .The way I see it: I 8ept that meeting going and saved Ryan 9rom being embarrassed and h2mi7iated. So instead o9 bashing me: perhaps yo2 sho27d consider than8ing me.4 I ca2ght movement o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye. Ryan was wa78ing towards 2s. ./e can go in now: Boney. I=m done o2t here.4 Ryan too8 me by the waist. .0avid: I=ve made my 9ina7 decision. !o a7iens:4 Ryan said 9irm7y. .I=ve read both scripts and I agree with Taryn. She=s got great instincts and she 9ee7s Isletin is going to be a hit and a high point in my career. I agree with her. 1o2=re my manager. I want yo2 to p2sh )aron 9or the s7eeper.4 .RyanE There=s no money thereE4 0avid de9ended. .1o2=re ma8ing a h2ge mista8eE4 .Then that=s my prob7em. y ne;t 9a77 I=77 have over 9i9ty mi77ion in the ban8. -aybe I=77 get invo7ved in prod2cing the 9i7m: or I can retire and grow grapes: b2t it wi77 be my decision. @7ease: >2st do what I as8.4 .RyanE4 0avid tried to stop him. .1o2=re going to ta8e advice 9rom yo2r bartender gir79riend34 Ryan t2rned and g7ared at him. .I2st do what I as8 0avid: or I=77 9ind someone e7se who wi77.4

Chapter 21 - #o"i ays

.It=s so good to be home:4 Ryan sighed: dropping his d299e7 bag and s2itcase on the 97oor. Be 97opped bac8ward onto o2r bed and smi7ed. .-mm:4 he moaned: shoving his nose into his pi77ow. I craw7ed on a77 9o2rs to >oin him: g7owing in the 9act that he 9e7t my apartment was his home too. It was certain7y a home with him in it. .I 8now we >2st got o99 o9 two p7anes: b2t what are we doing 9or Christmas3 0o yo2 want to 97y o2t to @ittsb2rgh and see yo2r mom and dad or not34 I wanted him to ma8e a 9ina7 decision so I co27d ma8e trave7 arrangements. Christmas was >2st 9ive days away. Ryan groaned 7o2d7y. .)s m2ch as I 7ove my mom and dad: I don=t want to 97y anywhere. I on7y have two wee8s o99.4 ./e77: yo2 co27d a7ways p2t yo2r 9ami7y on a p7ane and have them come o2t here:4 I s2ggested. Be wrin87ed his nose. .!o. /e have to go or I=77 never hear the end o9 it. 1o2 8now what I rea77y want to do 9or Christmas34 Be wrapped me in his arms: p277ing me c7ose. .I want to go c2t down a big evergreen and have my 9irst rea7 Christmas tree:4 he stated. .-y parents p2t 2p the same 9a8e tree every year. I=ve never had a rea7 tree: even when I 7ived on my own.4 I smi7ed and so9t7y 8issed his 7ips. eing norma7 so2nded wonder927. The ne;t morning we borrowed @ete=s pic82p tr2c8 to go get a tree. .Bere=s the directions @ete wrote down.4 Ryan handed me a piece o9 paper. .)9ter I get on the highway: where do I go 9rom there34 I 97ipped the paper aro2nd: noting that we >2st passed a p7ace that had c2t trees 9or sa7e. 2t Ryan wanted the e;perience o9 c2tting his own Christmas tree down. .Ao 9ive more tra99ic 7ights and then t2rn 7e9t. /e need to get 7ights and a tree stand too. There=s a store there.4

Ryan p2t the tr2c8 into par8 and I saw the panic attac8 start to we77 2p on his 9ace. .I can=t go in there:4 he whispered. .S2re yo2 can:4 I so9t7y rep7ied. .It=s a sma77 mom and pop hardware shop. See3 They have Christmas 7ights and st299.4 Be shoo8 his head: indicating that he was staying p2t. .It wi77 be o8ay. !ot everyone on the p7anet 8nows who yo2 are.4 I tried to ease his worry. . esides: yo2 haven=t shaved in a co2p7e o9 daysH it=s a7most 7i8e a disg2ise. I9 anything happens: we=77 r2n 9or it. I promise.4 I he7d o2t my hand. Bard7y anyone was in the store e;cept 9or two o7der gent7emen who wor8ed there and a nice o7der 7ady who wrapped each o9 the g7ass ornaments I pic8ed o2t. The gent7eman with the dar8 gray hair spent over ten min2tes te77ing 2s which tree stand wo27d be better 9or a 7ive tree and how Ryan sho27d brace it so the tree doesn=t 9a77 over. The man had no idea who Ryan wasC in his boo8 we were >2st ordinary c2stomers. Ryan was grinning 9rom ear to ear when we wa78ed bac8 to the tr2c8 with o2r bags. Be was ab7e to go into a store 7i8e a reg27ar person and b2y 7ights 9or his Christmas tree witho2t anyone ta8ing his pict2re or as8ing 9or an a2tograph. I was g7adC s2ch a simp7e tas8 that peop7e ta8e 9or granted every day bro2ght s2ch >oy to him. Be spent a 9ew e;tra min2tes sha8ing the 7oose pine need7es o99 o9 o2r bea2ti927 c2t tree o2t in the a77ey be9ore dragging it 2p o2r steps. .This is wonder927E4 he anno2nced: g7ancing 2p and down the a77eyway. .Loo8 BoneyE !o paparaDDiE4 Ryan bo7ted the tree in p7ace by the 9ront window. Be stood there with a big grin on his 9ace: marve7ing at his handy wor8. I had the stereo on in the bac8gro2nd: p7aying a77 the traditiona7 Christmas songs to set the mood whi7e we decorated o2r 9irst tree... together. ?n Christmas (ve: we went to @ete and Tammy=s ho2se 9or dinner. It was so nice to see Ryan re7a;ed and happy. /hen we ret2rned to the apartment 7ater that night: I rea7iDed that both o9 o2r b7ood press2res were norma7 9or once. !o one chased 2s down the sidewa78 ta8ing o2r pict2re whi7e as8ing 2s ridic27o2s <2estions or pestered him 9or his a2tograph. .0o yo2 want to open yo2r gi9ts now or wait 2nti7 the morning34 Ryan as8ed: tossing my car 8eys onto the 8itchen tab7e. The g7int o9 hope927ness was evident in his eyes. .1o2 can open two presents:4 I to7d him: 8nowing that he wo27d be comp7ete7y

distracted by the 9irst gi9t I p7anned to have him open. .The rest have to wait 2nti7 the morning.4 I pic8ed a speci9ic bo; o99 his pi7e o9 gi9ts and handed it to him. .?8ay: then yo2 get to open two.4 Be craw7ed aro2nd the side o9 the tree and pic8ed 2p one o9 the sma77er bo;es he had wrapped. .1o2 9irst.4 Inside the bo; was an e;<2isite si7ver brace7et with a Ce7tic 8not design woven aro2nd severa7 bri77iant garnets. Ryan had done the ma>ority o9 his Christmas shopping when he was in Scot7and. (verything that he bo2ght on his trip or ordered over the Internet was shipped to -itche77=s @2b. .Ryan this is bea2ti927E Than8 yo2 so m2chE4 I p2t the brace7et on and then 7eaned to give him a 8iss. Be tore the paper o99 his pac8age. Bis eyes opened wide when his 9ingers 7i9ted the si78 ny7ons 9rom the bo;. .I hope these are intended 9or yo2 to wearE4 Be smir8ed. .I don=t thin8 this sheer item is my siDe.4 Be ginger7y pic8ed the rest o9 the o2t9it 9rom the tiss2e paper and he7d it 2p. .1o2 are de9inite7y trying to 8i77 meE4 Be 7a2ghed. .0o I dare as8 when yo2 p7an on: 2m: wearing this34 .!ow:4 I answered noncha7ant7y. .That=s the second gi9t yo2 get to rip open tonight.4 I re7ieved him o9 the bo; and so9t7y bit his ear7obe. .I=77 meet yo2 2nder the tree in a 9ew min2tes.4 The 7iving room was dar8: a77 e;cept 9or the so9t white 7ights that spar87ed between the branches o9 o2r Christmas tree. Ryan was 7ying on his side on the <2i7t he 7aid on the 97oor: stripped down to his b7ac8 bo;er brie9s. I had a bott7e o9 champagne and two g7asses in my hands as I made my approach. Be sat 2p immediate7y when I came into view. I did a s7ow t2rn to show him the 9277 pict2re. .?h wow: than8 yo2 Santa:4 he breathed o2t. y the time he was done 2nwrapping me: my o2t9it 7ay in shreds. It was in the wee ho2rs o9 morning when Ryan ch2c87ed 7ight7y in my ear. The so2nd o9 his 7a2ghter instant7y wo8e me 2p. I was 2ns2re i9 he was sti77 s7eeping or i9 he was waiting 9or me to wa8e 2p.

The moist2re in his mo2th made some popping noises and then it so2nded 7i8e he moaned. !ot a pain927 moan 6 this so2nd was one o9 p7eas2re. I wondered what he was dreaming abo2t. The s8y o2tside was >2st starting to change with the 7ight o9 the rising s2n. I 7oo8ed at the a7arm c7oc8C it was a7most seven 6 way too ear7y to be 2p. Bis arm >er8ed s2dden7yC his hand c2pped my bare breast and he moaned again. Is he sleeping3 )s i9 on c2e: he started to so9t7y snore. Be was dreaming and s<2eeDing my breast in his s7eepE I ro77ed in his arms to 9ace him. Ryan wo8e with a start: 7oo8ing at me thro2gh his crac8ed eye7ids. Be groaned and ro77ed over onto his bac8. .Sorry Boney:4 he m2mb7ed: p277ing the sheets 2p on o2r bodies. I nest7ed my chee8 on his chest: receiving a warm: we7coming arm to ho7d me there. In an instant: he was as7eep again. I: however: was wide*awa8e and wondering abo2t his dream. I 8issed his bare chestC my mischievo2s tong2e too8 the 7iberty to taste him. I s7id my open hand down his side: stopping in the m2sc27ar dent on his hip. Bis eyes were sti77 c7osed: b2t his 7ips t2rned 2p into a smi7e. ) so9t p2rr s7ipped 9rom his throat. -y hand 9o2nd a new destination and with a 9ew stro8es: he and I were on the same page. I was h2ngry: h2ngry with desire to p7eas2re himC determined to ma8e his dreams come tr2e. /ith a 9aint gigg7e: I disappeared 2nder the bed sheet. -y 7ips 9o2nd him in the dar8C satis9action washed over me when I heard the air st2tter down his throat. Bis 7ong 9ingers tang7ed in my hair. It didn=t ta8e 7ong 9or the com9orter and sheet to 7and on the 97oor a9ter being p2shed o2t o9 the way. /e ro77ed and twisted together as oneC o2r bodies twined into a myriad o9 di99erent positions. ?2r 7ovema8ing 2nder the tree 7ast night was 9277 o9 passion: a7tho2gh my o2t9it de9inite7y bro2ght o2t a di99erent side o9 him. Be was more 9orce927: aggressive: s7ight7y overe;cited. This enco2nter in the dim 7ight o9 dawn was the opposite 6 it was the tota7 e;perience o9 getting to the destination rather than h2rrying to the destination itse79. Bis power927 hands pressed into my s8inC his strong arms wrapped aro2nd my body as he made 7ove to me. /e were 9ree to en>oy each other: si7ent7y reading s2bt7e movements:

tender 8isses: and p7ay927 bites. -y body ting7ed 9rom his e;pert to2chC the p7eas2re he 2n7eashed on me ripp7ed thro2gh my core. Bis thr2sts became <2ic8er: more power927: as he heightened my orgasm 92rther. I 8new he was c7ima;ingC I co27d 9ee7 his re7ease inside me. Bis c7enched 9ingers 7e9t impressions in my hips and he groaned 9rom the grati9ication o9 his discharge. Be he7d me in his warm embrace. .I 7ove yo2 6 with a77 o9 my heart:4 Ryan whispered passionate7y: gaDing at me whi7e sweeping my hair bac8 9rom my 9ace. I s7ipped my hand into his hair: p277ing him in 9or another 8iss. .I 7ove yo2 too: more than anything in this wor7d:4 I said so9t7y: getting 7ost in the depths o9 his spar87ing b72e eyes.

Ryan carried his c2p o9 co99ee o2t to the 7iving room and sat with his 7egs crossed on the 97oor by the tree. Be was so eager to open Christmas gi9ts: the anticipation was getting to him. .I hope yo2 mode7 those 7ater.4 Be raised his eyebrows devi7ish7y. I tore open the sma77 bo; that contained a 9ew pairs o9 red p7aid 2ndies. .?n7y i9 yo2 promise to mode7 these.4 I tossed a wrapped pac8age in his direction: 8nowing that I got him severa7 pairs o9 new bo;ers. .I thin8 that can be arrangedE4 Be win8ed at me. Be opened 2p the comp2ter so9tware I got 9or his 7aptop ne;t. ./hat=s this34 he as8ed: reading the 9ront o9 the bo;. .It=s 9or writing and recording yo2r own m2sic. ?pen that one.4 I pointed to another pac8age. .1o2 p72g the microphone into the US port and yo2 can p7ay yo2r g2itar and record it. I was sort o9 hoping yo2=d 9inish o2r song that we started 2p at the cabin.4 Be grinned. .Something 9or yo2 to mess with whi7e yo2 have a 9ew min2tes o9 down time34 I s2ggested. I opened the thin: 97imsy pac8age he handed to me ne;t. Inside were broch2res and worn pict2res c2t 9rom magaDines. I 7oo8ed at him: comp7ete7y p2DD7ed.

.I=ve been saving those pict2res 9or a 7ong time now:4 he to7d me. .Those are a77 the p7aces in the wor7d that I want to see. I tho2ght maybe yo2 co27d pic8 one and we co27d ta8e a nice vacation.4 I 97ipped thro2gh pict2res o9 the Areat /a77 o9 China: the (i99e7 Tower: and severa7 other we77*8nown wonders o9 the wor7d: on7y to stop at a pict2re where the water was a bea2ti927 shade o9 tea7 b72e and the s8y was deep aD2re. I didn=t need to go 92rther than that. I showed him the photo. . ora oraE4 Be beamed happi7y. .Is that where yo2 want to go34 I nodded and grinned wide7y: imagining the two o9 2s on the beach in the pict2re. .0oneE Tahiti here we comeE4 he anno2nced >oy9277y. .I was act2a77y hoping yo2=d pic8 that one. /e can stay in one o9 those h2ts that are o2t over the water.4 Be tore open the wrapping on a new bott7e o9 his 9avorite co7ogne. I opened 2p the bo; that was shipped 9rom Ca7i9ornia. Inside was a choco7ate brown 0ior 7eather handbag. I smir8ed at Ryan. .Je77y said yo2 rea77y 7i8ed it: soH4 Be shr2gged. /e were s2rro2nded by shreds o9 Christmas wrapping paper: 7i8e two 7itt7e chi7dren on Christmas morning. Be had p7enty o9 new toys: video games: and so9tware to 8eep him occ2pied. .Last two.4 Be grinned as he trotted bac8 to the 7iving room 9rom the bedroom. The two gi9ts he had in his hand were not 2nder the tree. Be handed me another 97at pac8age and a sma77 bo;. I 9e7t the adrena7ine when it re7eased into my b7oodstream. .I=m rea77y s2rprised yo2 didn=t as8 any <2estions when I too8 yo2r car the other day.4 Bis eyes narrowed on me. .-ost women wo27d have nagged 2nti7 they got an acceptab7e answer: b2t then again: yo2=re not 7i8e most women: are yo234 .1o2 to7d me yo2 had some b2siness to ta8e care o9. I >2st ass2med yo2 were going shopping.4 .I did have b2siness to ta8e care o9 and I g2ess yo2 co27d consider that shopping.4 Be nodded at the items in my hand. .?pen the 97at one 9irst.4 I pee7ed the tape bac8 on the paper: ta8ing my time to breathe. -y heart was po2nding 9or some reason. Be p7aced his hand on mine to stop me 9or a moment. .This is a gi9t 9or both o9 2s:4 he in9ormed speci9ica77y: waiting 9or my con9irmation.

?nce I ac8now7edged his message: he withdrew his hand so I co27d contin2e. I 7oo8ed at the words printed on the paper: on7y to 97ash my eyes <2ic87y bac8 on him. .Ryan: whatH34 I tried to absorb what I was 7oo8ing at. .That=s the property deed to the twe7ve acres o9 7and right ne;t to yo2r grand9ather=s cabin. It=s o99icia77y o2rs.4 .Bow3 /hen34 I was so shoc8ed I co27dn=t 9orm a comp7ete sentence. .Twe7ve34 .I have peop7e:4 he said comica77y. . esides: yo2=re not the on7y one in this ho2se that is snea8y. I can p7ot behind yo2r bac8 too: yo2 8nowE4 I smir8ed at him. ./hat3 0id yo2 b2y the who7e 7a8e34 .!oE4 Be 7a2ghed. .I2st most o9 the (ast side o9 it. I tried to b2y the who7e thing.4 Be shr2gged innocent7y. .I=m c2rrent7y in negotiations to b2y the 9ive acres a9ter o2rs down by yo2r dad=s 72c8y 9ishing spot. /e=77 see i9 they se77 or not. I9 they do: we=77 own ha79 o9 the property that s2rro2nds the (ast side o9 the 7a8e.4 ./e77 I g2ess it=s a good thing that I got yo2 that %*0 architect so9tware. )t 7east I 8now yo2=77 have the motivation to 2se it now. !o wonder yo2 7a2ghed when yo2 opened itE4 I n2dged him. I sti77 had the other 7itt7e pac8age resting in my hand. Inside the red and green Santa paper was a bo;H a ring bo;. -y eyes shot 2p to 7oo8 at himC he was smi7ing at me. I 7oo8ed down at the bo;: a7most petri9ied to open it. B2ndreds o9 tho2ghts ran thro2gh my mind a77 at once. .?pen itE4 he enco2raged. It was hard to swa77ow. Is he doing this now# Is now the moment that hes going to as" me# )oly shit% &efore I open this bo0, what am I going to say# Am I going to say yes to his 2uestion# 5es! -f ourse Im going to say yes! Why wouldnt I# 7oo" at him / so adorable, smiling at me li"e that% So aring and thoughtful% 5ou have no idea how mu h I love you, 8yan ,hristensen% 5es! My answer is yes! I care9277y opened the 7id to the white bo;. The hinge on the bo; was <2ite sti99C I had to 2se e;tra 9orce to separate it. -y eyes ad>2sted as I too8 in the sight o9 the ring nest7ed inside. ) s7ight gasp o9 air st2ttered down my throat as my tho2ghts read>2sted to a new

response. Inside was a bea2ti927 si7ver ring with a h2ge ova7 garnet s2rro2nded by an intricate Ce7tic 8not on each side o9 the setting. .It=s bea2ti927E4 I sighed. .Than8 yo2E4 It matched the Ce7tic brace7et he gave me 7ast night and the earrings and nec87ace I 2nwrapped this morning. Ryan too8 the ring o2t o9 the bo; and he7d my right hand. .It=s ster7ing. I had it inscribed. It says G-y heart is yo2rs.= 4 )9ter he showed me the inscription: he s7id the ring onto my right hand ring 9inger. It 9it per9ect7y. -y hand shoo8 s7ight7y. .I said that the property is 9or our 92t2re: and I mean that. (ven i9 it=s >2st to p2t a vacation home there. !o decisions have to be made now. )nd when we=re both ready: I intend to p2t a 9ew rings on this hand.4 Ryan raised my 9ingers to his mo2th and so9t7y 8issed my 7e9t hand.

In a b72r: the ten days Ryan had o99 had dwind7ed down to three. /e spent two days in @ittsb2rgh with his 9ami7y and a7most an entire day was spent >2st 97ying bac8 and 9orth. It was s7ight7y easier to move thro2gh the airports i9 peop7e didn=t e;pect him to be there: b2t we were sti77 stopped by a 9ew 9ans that spotted him. )77 I 8new was that the precio2s moments I had with Ryan were <2ic87y tic8ing away. !ew 1ear=s (ve had arrived and my p2b was pac8ed. ) 9ew die*hard 9ans trave7ed to the 7itt7e town o9 Seaport a9ter it was p2b7ished in the media that Ryan was spending the ho7idays in his 7itt7e secret 7ove nest in Rhode Is7and. Ryan had hired -i8e to be his persona7 g2ard 9277*time and I 9e7t better 8nowing that -i8e was in the bar with Ryan 9or o2r evening ce7ebration. Cory=s 9riend Trevor was tending the door and my 9riends were providing an e;tra b299er aro2nd Ryan: >2st in case. The band on stage was >amming and -arie: Cory: and I were h2st7ing behind the bar. I 7oo8ed over at Ryan and smi7ed. Be was sitting in his spot at the bar wearing my -itche77=s @2b capC -i8e sat on one side: @ete on the other: Aary was sitting ne;t to @ete. The g2ys were drin8ing and ta78ing and >2st having a great time.

I was so happy to see Ryan re7a;ed and I grinned whenever he 7a2ghed hysterica77y at their conversations. I was grate927 to the crowd tooC 9or the most part his 9ans >2st admired him 9rom a9ar. ) 9ew women managed to snea8 in to ta78 to him: b2t he didn=t seem to mind the conversation. The min2te a gir7 stepped 2p to him: the other three g2ys intervened. !eed7ess to say: no woman was ab7e to hang aro2nd Ryan 9or very 7ong. I had >2st grabbed two bott7es o9 beer o2t o9 the coo7er: on7y to 7oo8 2p and see Jy7e standing on the other side o9 the bar. I gasped: s7ight7y start7ed that he was here. .Can I get one o9 those: miss34 he as8ed: nodding at the bott7es in my hand. .S2re: I=77 be right with yo2:4 I 2nconscio2s7y responded with a smi7e: tending to my c2rrent c2stomer. I 7oo8ed over at Ryan 8nowing he was going to be pissed that Jy7e was here. Ryan was 7a2ghing hearti7y 2nti7 he noticed my e;pression. Bis 2nspo8en words o9 concern instant7y t2rned to anger when he eyed Jy7e on the opposite end o9 the bar. Ryan sti99ened in his chair and stared Jy7e down. I s7id a bott7e over to Jy7e: who had wedged his body convenient7y between two 7adies to get to the bar. .I see pretty boy is happy to see me:4 Jy7e sneered: ta8ing a 7ong swig o9 his beer. .0on=t start: Jy7e:4 I warned and <2ic87y h2rried o2t 9rom behind the bar. .Come here p7ease.4 I dr2g him by the s7eeve o9 his 7eather >ac8et to spea8 to him private7y. .I want to 8now: right now: i9 yo2 have any weapons on yo2:4 I as8ed: 8nowing that he had a permit to carry concea7ed 9irearms. Be too8 another swig o9 his beer and patted the space 2nder his right arm. .I never 7eave home witho2t itE4 he stated pro2d7y. .)nd yo2 9e7t the need to bring that into my p2b 9or what reason34 I as8ed direct7y. .!ever 8now when I=m going to need it:4 he reasoned. .I=m not brea8ing any 7aws. esides: by the 7oo8s o9 it: there are eno2gh o9 his 9ans in here * any one o9 them co27d be a psychotic sta78er:4 he said eeri7y. .Bey: Jy7eE Bow=s it going34 -i8e greeted him with a pat on the sho27der: e;pressing more concern than 9riend7iness. .I2st en>oying a beer on !ew 1ear=s (ve: -i8e. )nd yo234 .-a8ing s2re things stay peace927 and ca7m aro2nd here.4 -i8e patted him again: gripping Jy7e=s co77arbone in his hand so he wo27d get the hint.

.-i8e: I was >2st going to as8 Jy7e i9 he wo27d mind ta8ing his 9irearm bac8 o2t to his car. I wo27d 9ee7 a 7ot better i9 I 8new there weren=t any g2ns in my p2b tonight.4 Jy7e 9inished his beer in one big g27p and set the empty bott7e down 9orce9277y on a tab7e 9i77ed with patrons. .I=77 remove mine i9 yo2 remove yo2rsE4 Jy7e arrogant7y cha77enged -i8e. .I=m pretty s2re yo2 don=t want things to go down this way tonight: Jy7e. Taryn as8ed yo2 to 7eave yo2r piece o2tside. It=s a simp7e re<2est.4 .5ine: I=77 7eave:4 Jy7e de9ended. .0on=t want to 2pset pretty boy tonight.4 .Jy7e: I didn=t say yo2 had to 7eaveE I >2st don=t want yo2 armed whi7e yo2=re drin8ing in my p2b: that=s a77.4 .Come onH 7et=s ta8e this o2tside:4 -i8e ca7m7y s2ggested: s7ight7y gripping Jy7e=s arm. .Aet yo2r 92c8ing hand o99 o9 meE4 Jy7e responded angri7y: shoving -i8e=s hand away. Ryan was at my side in an instant: ta8ing the short c2t behind the bar to reach me. ./hat=s 2p: Jy7e34 Ryan as8ed co7d7y. Be stepped in 9ront o9 me: protective7y p2shing me bac8 with his arm. .0o we have a prob7em here34 @ete m2sc7ed his way in thro2gh the crowd. Aary was right behind him. Cory raced o2t 9rom behind the bar to bac8 2p Ryan. Jy7e smir8ed: a7most ana7yDing i9 he=d be <2ic8 eno2gh to ta8e down a77 9ive men on his own. @art o9 my brain considered that he probab7y co27d: and I didn=t 7i8e those odds. .ListenE (veryone >2st ca7m downE4 I ordered: e7bowing my way bac8 in between Ryan and Jy7e. .Jy7e: yo2 are more than we7come to stay: en>oy the band: and have a good time 6 >2st 7i8e everyone e7se. I >2st don=t want peop7e who are not wor8ing 9or me to be carrying weapons inside my bar. Ao o2t to yo2r car: 7oc8 2p whatever toys yo2 have on yo2: and come bac8 inside. ?8ay34 I wanted to de92se the sit2ation as <2ic87y as possib7e. .?8ay:4 Jy7e conceded: drawing in a breath thro2gh his nose. .Taryn: come 9or a wa78 with me * p7ease34 .?h he77 noE4 Ryan snapped: b7oc8ing me with his arm again. Jy7e sco99ed at Ryan=s reaction. .Is yo2r name Taryn34 he >eered. .1o2=re not going anywhere with my gir79riend:4 Ryan snar7ed.

.)nd why is that: Ryan3 )re yo2 a9raid that I=m going to te77 her3 )9raid she might 9ind o2t that she wasnt the 9irst gir7 yo2 nai7ed in this town34 Jy7e said moc8ing7y. .1o2 don=t 8now shitE4 Ryan raised his angry voice. .?h: I don=t3 So I g2ess yo2 never to7d her abo2t the 7itt7e hottie yo2=ve been screwing on yo2r movie set34 .1o2 need to sh2t the 92c8 2p be9ore I sh2t yo2 2pE4 Ryan threatened: stepping even c7oser to Jy7e. -i8e p2t his hand on Ryan=s chest: giving him a heed927 warning. .So are yo2 going to deny it now3 Ao aheadE Lie to her some more: 8yanE4 Jy7e ta2nted. I 7oo8ed 2p at Ryan: begging 9or an e;p7anation. Bis 9ace was t2rning red: coated with anger. .)re yo2 cheating on me34 The <2estion 97ew 9rom my brain and right o2t my mo2th. .!oE )bso72te7y notE !everE4 Ryan 7oo8ed me direct7y in the eyes and s<2ared his sho27ders. ./hat he=s re9erring to happened be9ore I met yo2.4 .So it happened34 I s<2ea8ed. .1eah: so what34 he m2ttered. ./hat happened be9ore yo2 and I got together is in the past: b2t since o2r 9riend here has an agenda: I g2ess my past actions need to be e;p7ained. 5or the record: ;yle: I s7ept with one gir7 one time and that was before I even met Taryn: so yo2 might want to get yo2r 9acts straight.4 Ryan <2ic87y t2rned his attention bac8 to me: 7oc8ing his eyes on mine. .I=ve never been 2n9aith927 to yo2 6 $everE4 Bis words were 2rgent: direct. I inched aro2nd Ryan=s side. .Jy7eE /hy are yo2 doing this34 I demanded. .1o2 deserve better:4 he said emphatica77y: a7most p7eading with me. . etter than the 7ies he o99ers.4 ./hat the he77 is yo2r prob7em3 1o2 thin8 by coming in here and ma8ing a scene it=s going to ma8e me want to choose yo2 instead o9 him3 Li8e maybe i9 yo2 get him o2t o9 the pict2re yo2=d have a snowba77=s chance in he77 with me34 .B2hE 1o2 be7ieve him34 Jy7e co2ntered. -emories o9 every bea2ti927 moment I had spent with Ryan 97ashed in 9ast 9orward thro2gh my mind. /e=d been thro2gh too m2ch 9or me to do2bt him. .1esE 1es: I doE4

.-an: yo2 are a good actorE Be=77 do it again: Taryn. They a77 do:4 Jy7e ye77ed over the m2sic. Bis attempt to convince me to agree with him goaded Ryan even 92rther. Ryan reached his 7imit. That 7ast comment made him snap. Be raised his hands: 72nging 9or Jy7e=s throat. @ete and -i8e instant7y intervened: <2ic87y b7oc8ing Ryan 9rom ma8ing contact. .Jy7e: yo2 need to 7eave * nowE4 I scow7ed at him. .Aet o2t o9 my bar.4 .0on=t yo2 ever come near her again. 1o2 got me34 Ryan 97ipped o2t in a 9it o9 rage. @ete had a ho7d o9 Ryan=s armC -i8e was gripping the 9ront o9 Ryan=s shirt. Jy7e >2st stood there: appearing 2na99ected: hoping that he=d get a chance to ta8e Ryan down. .I said get o2tE4 I stepped in between them: staring straight at Jy7e. I had eno2gh. -y c2stomers were watching the action 2n9o7d: waiting to see i9 Ryan Christensen: the 9amo2s actor: was going to get into a 9ist9ight. I t2rned and wa78ed away: comp7ete7y disg2sted: and headed 9or my stairwe77. Ryan was at a r2n when he hit the 9irst three steps to o2r apartment. Be stopped abr2pt7y when he saw me sitting on the top 7anding. Be 7eaned 2p on the wa77 and 7et o2t a big sigh. Be tried to maintain his temper as his words came o2t thro2gh his c7enched teeth. .I=m going to as8: and I want the tr2th. 0id anythingH everH happen between yo2 and that assho7e34 I sco99ed: shoc8ed that he wo27d even <2estion my 9ide7ity. 2t then again: I rea77y wasn=t s2rprised. Ryan and I both had tr2st iss2es. .!o. !othingH never.4 I stared direct7y into his eyes. .!ot even a 8iss34 he grow7ed. .$ever:4 I whispered adamant7y. .I h2gged him goodbye once when he dropped me o99 9rom the airport at Than8sgiving: and I to7d yo2 abo2t that.4 I p2t my head in my hand. .I s2ppose even that was a mista8e:4 I m2mb7ed. Ryan 9inished the c7imb 2p the steps and sat down ne;t to me on the 7anding. /e sat there in si7ence: both trying to ca7m down. .I thin8 it=s sa9e to say that neither one o9 2s was a virgin when we met:4 Ryan m2ttered. .I=ve never as8ed yo2 abo2t the g2ys that yo2 were with be9ore me: beca2se

hearing abo2t it wo27d >2st ma8e me craDy. )nd yo2=ve never as8ed: so I 9ig2re the same goes 9or yo2. /hat di99erence does it ma8e who we s7ept with be9ore3 /e both have pasts.4 I nodded in agreement: 8nowing he was right. Ryan drew in a deep breath. .The 9irst wee8 I was here I hoo8ed 2p with one o9 the @)s:4 he admitted. .I messed aro2nd with her a co2p7e o9 tH4 .Ryan: stop:4 I interr2pted: trying not to vis2a7iDe this new gir7 as being the 72c8y recipient o9 the missing condom. Be 7oo8ed at me: con92sed by my order. .0on=t 7ie to me:4 I whispered. .I=m not:4 he con9irmed. .1o2 to7d Jy7e one gir7: one time. 1o2 >2st s7ipped and said a co2p7e. /hat=s the tr2th34 I breathed in desperation. .Can=t yo2 see he=s trying to rip 2s apart34 he said: a7most p7eading with me. .Be and a mi77ion other 9o78s:4 I corrected. .Tar: I don=t have to e;p7ain myse79 to Jy7e: b2t I am being tr2th927 with yo2. So I had se; with some gir7 6 twice 6 be9ore I even 8new yo2:4 he stressed. .It was nothing. It meant nothing. )nd I ended it. I swear to Aod: 9rom the moment I met yo2: I have not to2ched: been with: or even 7oo8ed at another woman. S2Danne doesn=t co2nt.4 Be 7a2ghed 7ight7y: then co77ected himse79. .I=ve been comp7ete7y 9aith927 to yo2.4 I stared at my 9eet: trying to 8eep a ho7d o9 my emotions. ./hen we were o2t on the 7a8e: yo2 said it had been months sinceH I >2st ass2med that meant se;:4 I con9essed. Ryan e;ha7ed 7o2d7y. .Taryn: when we were o2t on the 7a8e: I was a7ready 9a77ing mad7y in 7ove with yo2. )nd I didn=t 7ieC it=s been months since I had a gir79riend.4 Be co77ected my hand in his. ./hen I got to town here: I wasH 7one7y. I too8 advantage o9 an opport2nity:4 he admitted. I tho2ght abo2t why 7overs 7ie to each other * 9ee7ings and egos are s2ch 9ragi7e things. .0o yo2 have any more secrets or is this the 7ast o9 them34 I as8ed. Ryan tho2ght 9or a moment. .I 7ost my virginity to Je7sey owman when I was si;teen:4 he con9essed.

I smi7ed and n2dged him in the 7eg. .0o yo2 want to 8now how it happened34 I 7a2ghed 2ncom9ortab7y. .!oE4 ./hat abo2t yo23 )re yo2 8eeping any secrets 9rom me34 he as8ed ca2tio2s7y. I 7oo8ed him direct7y in his eyes. .!o.4 Be twisted my garnet ring to a7ign it on my 9inger. .0o yo2 remember what I to7d yo2 Christmas morning when I p2t this ring on yo2r 9inger3 Boney: there is no one e7se. There hasn=t been anyone e7se. I=m in 7ove with yo2: Tar.4 )s I watched the 7ast min2te o9 the year co2nt down I reso7ved that his past and mine needed to stay thereH in the past. Ryan grabbed the be7t 7oop on my >eans and p277ed me o99 to the privacy o9 the dar8 8itchen. Bis arm wrapped aro2nd my waistC together we were 2shering in a new year: a new

Chapter to o2r 7ives. .Ten: nine: eightH4 he co2nted bac8wards on my 7ips. I co27dn=t he7p b2t be giddy at o2r c7osenessC my arms wrapped aro2nd his nec8 tighter: ho7ding him 9ast to my body. .Bappy !ew 1ear Boney:4 he whispered: his warm mo2th 8issed me passionate7y. The bar was comp7ete7y crowded: b2t at that moment in the dar8ness we were the on7y two peop7e on the p7anet. ?2r days together t2rned to >2st ho2rs and then to mere min2tesC Ryan was 7eaving 9or 57orida to start 9i7ming his ne;t movie. .Ca77 me once yo2 get sett7ed in:4 I re<2ested: trying to 8eep my e;treme sadness o9 his depart2re in contro7. I t2rned my car ignition o99. Bis gent7e hand r2bbed my chee8. .I wi77. It won=t be 9or a co2p7e o9 ho2rs tho2gh 2nti7 I 7and. 0on=t be sad. I=77 see yo2 in three wee8s: I promiseE4 Ryan 7oo8ed over his sho27der nervo2s7y: e;pecting that at any moment photographers co27d r2sh 2p to my car. .Three wee8s.4 I nodded. .I thin8 I can ma8e it.4 .1o2 co27d a7ways <2it yo2r night >ob and come stay with me34 he teased. .I=m wor8ing on itE4 .I 8now. I=77 see yo2 on the 22nd. Jeep yo2r ca7endar open:4 he reminded. -i8e was a7ready standing behind my car with their 72ggage: waiting patient7y. .1o2 better go. Jiss me a7readyE4 .I 7ove yo2:4 he whispered. .I 7ove yo2 moreE4 .0o2bt thatE4 Be 7eaned and 8issed me again. .?h: I 9orgot to te77 yo2:4 he said <2ic87y: one o9 his 7ong 7egs was a7ready o2t o9 my car. .There=s a crew coming tomorrow morning to start demo7ition on the p2b 8itchen.4 ./hat34 I as8ed: s7ight7y 7o2der than I had intended. ./ait: we on7y >2st got the estimate.4 .I 8now. I hired them.4 Ryan hopped o2t o9 my car be9ore I had a chance to arg2e. .So i9 yo2 want to ye77 at me: yo2=77 have to ca77 me 7ater and do it over the phone.4 .RyanE4 I whined. .Sorry: I can=t hear yo2E4 Be mo2thed on the other side o9 the c7osed passenger door.

Be 7oo8ed at me intent7y thro2gh the g7ass window: grinning. I read his 7ips when he si7ent7y said: .I 7ove yo2:4 p7acing his pa7m on the window to say goodbye. I smir8ed and watched his se;y b2tt dash o99 towards the termina7.

Chapter 22 - Options

./ow: they=re rea77y ma8ing progress:4 @ete commented: assessing day 9o2r o9 the 8itchen remode7. .It=s going to be bea2ti927 once it=s 9inished.4 I nodded: watching the crew insta77 the new stain7ess stee7 ovens. .So I ta8e it yo2=ve 9orgiven him34 @ete as8ed: s7ight7y distracted by watching the insta77ers str2gg7e with the app7iances. I s2ppose my reactions and behaviors were comp7ete7y predictab7e. .I was never mad at him: @ete. )nd now that this 8itchen is 9ina77y getting done: I=m act2a77y <2ite re7ieved. I g2ess I=77 have to >2st get 2sed to his generosity.4 .!ow there=s a good ideaE4 @ete staggered s7ight7y: giving me a teasing b2mp. .1o2 8now most decent men have it engrained in them to ta8e care o9 their 9ami7y. Be >2st wants to be the provider: that=s a77.4 I sighed heavi7y as @ete=s words s2n8 in. .I 8now.4 .1o2 8now he=s going to marry yo2: especia77y now since yo2=re the pro2d parents o9 twin 8itchen sin8sE4 Be win8ed. .1eah rightE4 I e7bowed him in the arm 9or teasing me. .)re yo2 ta8ing bets34 .1ep. Bow abo2t a grand34 he s2ggested: pretending to reach 9or his wa77et. .@ass. I2st 8eep yo2r money. I may need to borrow some to pay him bac8 9or a77 o9 this.4 .?h she o9 7itt7e 9aith:4 @ete said: patting my head. ./e77: i9 yo2=re done being over7y pres2mpt2o2s: I=m going to get the mai7.4 I was sti77 7a2ghing as I pic8ed 2p the pi7e that 7ay inside the 9ront door. Ryan=s 9an mai7 vo72me never ceasedC it act2a77y increased since his 9ans had a physica7 mai7ing address 9or the ob>ect o9 their a99ection. 5ort2nate7y: the Seaport @ost ?99ice 8ept a r2nning pi7e and on7y de7ivered the trays o9 9an mai7 twice a wee8. I 7a2ghed to myse79 when I weeded thro2gh the pi7e and sti77 9o2nd a 9ew that sn2c8 thro2gh.

I 2sed my 9inger to open 2p a p7ain white enve7ope addressed to Taryn -itche77. I gasped in horror as my eyes read the 9rightening message written on a simp7e: white piece o9 paper"

-y throat tightened and I 9e7t 9aint. asic interna7 instincts made me want to r2n screaming. The nightmares were starting a77 over again. ./hy are yo2 so >2mpy34 -arie as8ed at the start o9 her shi9t. She was 9i77ing the coo7er with bott7ed beer and every time she c7an8ed the bott7es together I 2nconscio2s7y 97inched. I too8 the 7etter o2t o9 my bac8 poc8et. .TarynE This is no >o8eE 0id yo2 ca77 the cops34 I 9o7ded it bac8 2p and shoved it deep in my poc8et. .!o: I didn=t. /hat are the cops going to do3 esides: my 9ingerprints are a77 over it now.4 She grabbed my 9orearm. .0oes Ryan 8now34 .!o. I >2st got it in the mai7 today. I haven=t ta78ed to him today yet.4 .Be=s going to 97ip:4 -arie stated the obvio2s. .1o2 are going to te77 him: right34 I 7oo8ed away: 9ee7ing press2red. I hadn=t intended to say anything to him. Be a7ready had eno2gh to worry abo2t. .1o2 can=t 8eep something 7i8e this 9rom him: TarynE4 K2ite a 9ew reasons not to te77 him s7ipped into my mind. 5or one: Ryan was bac8 in the gossip news. Bis rehearsa7s with La2ren happened to be photographed and candid shots were convenient7y 7ea8ed to the masses. (mbarrassing stories were brea8ing over every media o2t7et that Ryan had re8ind7ed his previo2s re7ationship with La2ren. !ew pict2res o9 them h2gging and being c7ose were ming7ed in with o7d pict2res 9rom 7ast year. The media was d2sting o99 o7d photos and se77ing

them as recent evidence. To the 2ntrained eye: one might not 8now the di99erence. To someone 7i8e me: who had spent co2nt7ess ho2rs researching the man I was s7eeping with: I 8new what was o7d and what was new. Some o9 the magaDines even reprinted o7d comments he made years ago: p2tting them into new content to ma8e it 7oo8 7i8e they had obtained the 7atest news direct7y 9rom the so2rce. -y mind was wandering when I t2rned the p2b TF to watch Ce7ebrity Tonight. Ryan=s a77eged a99air in 57orida was top story news. -arie marched over to me and snatched the te7evision remote o2t o9 my hand. .It=s a77 crap and yo2 8now it:4 she said 9orce9277y: changing the channe7 be9ore I had a say in the matter. ?ver the ne;t 9ew days: my mai7 was p7easant7y devoid o9 horrid 7etters. I had hoped that the origina7 7etter was a one*time occ2rrence: b2t I worried nonethe7ess. Un9ort2nate7y: Th2rsday a9ternoon: a new threat 7etter arrived in the mai7. This one stated"

The so2nd o9 car 8eys being dropped on the bar made me 97inch againC my nerves were wo2nd tight. .Sorry: didn=t mean to start7e yo2:4 Jy7e said. .BiE4 Be smi7ed innocent7y. .Is it a77 right i9 I have a beer3 I promise I=77 behave. See34 Be opened 2p his coat to show me that he wasn=t wearing a g2n this evening. I 9o2nd myse79 getting 7ost in his mesmeriDing smi7e and the com9orting 9ee7ing o9 protection that swir7ed aro2nd him. 5or how spoo8ed I was: I sort o9 wished he was pac8ing a concea7ed weapon. I ro77ed my eyes at him and smi7ed s7ight7y in ret2rn. /hy did he have to

be so damn gorgeo2s3 I twisted the cap o99 o9 a bott7e o9 beer and set it in 9ront o9 him: s7ipping his money o99 the bar right a9ter that. I wasn=t abo2t to give him 9ree drin8s: not a9ter the scene he made here 7ast time. ) 9ew c2stomers were p7aying poo7 and getting 7o2d and rowdy. Someone dropped a poo7 stic8 on the 97oorC the sharp crac8 made me >2mp again. .1o2 seem on edge:4 Jy7e m2ttered. .Is it beca2se I=m here3 I9 yo2 don=t want me here: I=77 >2st have this one and then I=77 7eave.4 .!o: it=s a77 right:4 I rep7ied. .1o2 can stay. I2st as 7ong as yo2 don=t start anything.4 .Is he here3 I g2ess I sho27d apo7ogiDe.4 Bis comment ca2ght me by s2rprise. )e wanted to say he was sorry to 8yan# .!o: he=s not:4 I answered: disappointed that I had to say that o2t 7o2d. .?99 9i7ming again34 Jy7e as8ed. I g7ared at him: g2essing that he a7ready 8new Ryan was in 57orida. It was his >ob to 8now other peop7e=s whereabo2ts: and I 8new Jy7e was more reso2rce927 than that. -i8e was g2arding Ryan 9277 time now: b2t he sti77 wor8ed 9or the same company as Jy7e. That didn=t change. I was pretty s2re it was 8nown who was g2arding whom. .Listen: I 8now I was an assho7e the 7ast time I was here and I >2st want to say I=m sorry:4 Jy7e said sheepish7y. .I rea77y hope yo2 can 9orgive me. It was wrong o9 me to act 7i8e that.4 Be was <2ite adorab7e when he grove7ed. .It=s o8ay. I2st be coo7 abo2t things: a77 right34 I tossed his empty beer bott7e in the trash and served him another: wondering why I had a hard time ho7ding a gr2dge. .?8ay. I promiseE4 he swore: 7i8e a chi7d being sco7ded. /e had another thic8 crowd 9or a wee8night and I was g7ad to be distracted 9rom dwe77ing on the spoo8y threat 7etters. (ven tho2gh I was trying not to 8eep tabs on him: I sti77 g7anced aro2nd the crowd to see where Jy7e was. .Be=s p7aying poo7:4 -arie m2ttered on her way past me. .)nd he=s watching yo2 7i8e a haw8.4 I groaned: a7tho2gh in some biDarre way I act2a77y 9e7t re7ieved that he was on g2ard: ready to stri8e i9 I was in danger.

I was c7earing o99 a tab7e when Jy7e approached to say goodnight. .So is it o8ay i9 I stop in 9rom time to time3 I=m act2a77y wor8ing not too 9ar 9rom here. I9 it=s not coo7: >2st say so. I don=t want to ca2se any prob7ems 9or yo2.4 Jy7e 7oo8ed so h2mb7e: 7i8e he was rea77y: tr27y remorse927. Be 9inished his beer and p2t his b7ac8 7eather >ac8et on. .)s 7ong as yo2 don=t speci9ica77y come here to ca2se prob7ems 9or me:4 I warned: hoping he=d get the hint. .1o2 got it. est behavior 9rom now on:4 Jy7e vowed. .I swearE4 Be 9o77owed me bac8 to the bar. . e9ore I go: I >2st want to ma8e s2re yo2=re o8ay.4 Be g7anced aro2nd: determining how many peop7e were within earshot be9ore contin2ing. .1o2 seemed rea77y nervo2s be9ore. )re yo2 s2re things are 9ine3 )ny o9 his 9ans giving yo2 prob7ems3 I 8now yo2 don=t have a bodyg2ard assigned.4 I tho2ght abo2t the new 7etter that was in my poc8et and how terri9ied I was when I read it. I 9eigned a smi7e and 7ied. .I=m o8ay: I swearE4 I answered immediate7y. I 8new i9 I to7d Jy7e abo2t the 7etters: he=d insist on protecting me. That wo27d never 97y with Ryan. .So his 9ans have been 7eaving yo2 a7one34 Jy7e <2estioned again. .1eah:4 I con9irmed: hoping to cast o99 his concern. .Bmm: that=s good then.4 Be nodded odd7y: appearing distracted by a gro2p o9 peop7e carrying on by the poo7room. ./e77: since everything is 9ine: I=m going to ta8e o99. Bave a good night.4 Be s<2eeDed my sho27der 7ight7y on his way to the door.

I made -arie go to the grocery store with me 5riday a9ternoonC I was a 7itt7e a9raid to go o2t on my own. I was growing increasing7y paranoid and 7eaving the b2i7ding was becoming more and more 9rightening. .So did yo2 te77 him34 -arie as8ed: b2c87ing her seatbe7t. .Te77 him what34 .)bo2t the 7etters3 )bo2t Jy7e being in the p2b 7ast night:4 she reminded me. I stared b7an87y o2t the windshie7d. .TarynE4

.0on=t start. I9 I te77 Ryan that Jy7e was in the p2b he=s going to 97ip o2t and I don=t need him 97ipping o2t on me.4 .1o2 8now he a7ways 9inds o2t somehow. 1o2=77 >2st piss him o99 that m2ch <2ic8er i9 yo2 don=t te77 him right away.4 I h299ed. I hated that she was right. Ryan was ridic27o2s7y >ea7o2s o9 Jy7e. .I=m trying to 8eep Ryan 9rom getting h2rt: -arieE4 I >2sti9ied. .Jy7e is a b7ac8 be7t. Be=s a wa78ing 7etha7 weapon. I=m s2rprised Ryan even attempted to 9ight him !ew 1ear=s (ve.4 .-en are so st2pid.4 She 7a2ghed. .Testosterone and beerH ma8es them 9ee7 to2gh.4 Borrib7e visions o9 Ryan 9ighting with Jy7e >2st 7i8e he 9o2ght with that st2nt actor on the set o9 Seaside 97ashed thro2gh my mind. I a7ready saw Ryan made 2p to loo" 7i8e he was in a 9ist9ight and I sh2ddered to thin8 o9 the b7oodied mess Jy7e wo27d t2rn him into i9 the two o9 them ever went at it 9or rea7. I had no do2bt that Ryan co27d ho7d his own in a 9ight b2t Jy7e was trained in se79*de9ense. 0espite Ryan=s best e99orts: he didn=t stand a chance to win that batt7e. I had to 8eep those two apart at a77 costs. Un9ort2nate7y Jy7e was the 7east o9 my worries. Staring me in the 9ace in the chec8o2t ais7e was a new g7ossy pict2re o9 my boy9riend gaDing 7oving7y at his s2pposed re8ind7ed 7ove: La2ren 0e7aney. The head7ine: in big: bo7d 7etters anno2nced to the wor7d that the two were" TO-ET#ER $-$&6% )auren a mits< B& ne*er stoppe "o*in+ RyanC

Those words embossed themse7ves to my every tho2ght. /hen Thomas cheated on me I at 7east had the 72;2ry o9 being b7iss9277y ignorant to it: b2t I 9e7t even more demeaned to hear abo2t it and a77ow the 7ies to contin2e.

.Be=s bac8:4 -arie sang her words when Jy7e wa78ed thro2gh the 9ront door o9 the

p2b 5riday night. I was s2rprised that @ete 7et him in. I watched as Jy7e s7ipped thro2gh the crowd on his way to the bar. .Bey: how are yo234 Be smi7ed and nodded at me: ta8ing the 7ast seat 7e9t at the crowded bar. .I=m great:4 I 7ied. 0eep down I was wondering i9 I made a mista8e by te77ing him it was o8ay 9or him to come aro2nd. Jy7e was sa9ety and danger a77 coi7ed into one. .Two days in a row:4 -arie m2ttered. She too was watching me o2t o9 the corner o9 her eye. The c2te br2nette sitting ne;t to Jy7e tried to stri8e 2p a conversation b2t he e99ort7ess7y b7ew her o99. .-arie: yo2 have to wor8 his end o9 the bar. I can=t be near him.4 I shoo8 my head. .I don=t even want to ta78 to him. Cory: go that way.4 /e a77 shi9ted. .0id yo2 2se yo2r phone today34 -arie <2estioned: giving me a stern 7oo8. I 9rowned and s7id a Captain and Co8e to the gir7 waiting at the bar. I sti77 hadn=t to7d Ryan abo2t Jy7e showing 2p. .So what=s it 7i8e34 the gir7 as8ed as she handed me a 9ive do77ar bi77 to pay 9or her drin8. ./hat=s what 7i8e34 I as8ed: having no idea what she was re9erring to. . eing with himE Ryan Christensen34 She gigg7ed. Ber gir79riend 7oo8ed >2st as eager to hear my answer. I pressed my 7ips tight7y together: ho7ding bac8 the desire to te77 her o99. Ber intr2sive <2estion and the comp7ete disregard 9or o2r privacy instant7y irritated me. .Bey...4 -arie waved to the gir7 to come c7oser. .0id yo2 ever dream abo2t being with Ryan Christensen34 .Be77 yeahE )77 the timeE4 the gir7 g2shed. .I2st 8eep dreaming thenE4 -arie snapped bac8. .Taryn: can I ta78 to yo2 a sec34 Cory motioned. I 9o77owed him into the 8itchen: grate927 9or the distraction. .Bey: so what=s 2p with that Jy7e g2y3 Is he s2pposed to be here34 Cory as8ed. .!o: not rea77y:4 I groaned: sti77 comp7ete7y irritated by the enco2nter with the 9ema7e c2stomer. .I don=t 8now why he 8eeps coming aro2nd either.4

(ven tho2gh I said it: I 8new why Jy7e was here. I pondered 9or a moment how di99erent my 7i9e wo27d be right now i9 I had met Jy7e 9irst. /o27d some random gir7 be as8ing me what it was 7i8e to be with my boy9riend i9 it was Jy7e in Ryan=s p7ace3 That 9irst day I met Ryan and he as8ed me i9 I was dating someone 6 what wo27d have happened i9 I had said Gyes: I am= 7i8e I a7ways did when any other man as8ed me that same <2estion3 That wo27d have probab7y been the 7ast time I ever saw Ryan Christensen. .0oes Ryan 8now34 Cory <2estioned. .Jnow what34 I as8ed: distracted by my tho2ghts. .)bo2t Jy7e being here34 he reiterated. .?h: no. !ot yet. 2t I=m going to te77 him:4 I admitted. ./e77 there are eno2gh g2ys aro2nd here. /e can toss him o2t i9 yo2 want34 Cory seemed to en>oy that idea a 7itt7e too m2ch. .I=d o99er: b2t I don=t thin8 I co27d ta8e him on my own.4 I t2rned <2ic87y when @ete came thro2gh the 8itchen door. .Taryn: I didn=t 8now what to do abo2t that assho7e Jy7e:4 @ete groaned. .I gave him shit abo2t coming here b2t he said he=d be coo7. 0o yo2 want him in here or not beca2se yo2 8now Ryan won=t 7i8e thisE4 Ryan certain7y had eno2gh watchdogs 7oo8ing a9ter me. I rested my hands on my hips: 2ns2re o9 what to do abo2t it. I didn=t want any o9 my 9riends to get h2rt or worseC I didn=t do a weapons chec8 tonight. .I 8now Ryan wi77 be angryC I haven=t to7d him yet that Jy7e has been here. I=d appreciate it i9 yo2 didn=t say anything to Ryan. @7ease 7et me te77 him:4 I 2rged. @ete shot me an angry 7oo8. .@ete: I don=t 8now what I can do abo2t it. I own a p2b7ic bar. I=m not going to ca77 the po7ice or anything 7i8e that. esides: Jy7e isn=t ca2sing any prob7ems 6 probab7y beca2se he 8nows Ryan isn=t in town.4 @ete became irritated. .I tho2ght yo2 made it per9ect7y c7ear to this >o8er the 7ast time that he wasn=t we7come aro2nd here: and yet he 8eeps showing 2p. 0oesn=t the g2y 8now when to <2it34 .)pparent7y not:4 I m2ttered. .It=s getting a 7itt7e obsessive: act2a77y. I mean he 8nows I=m with Ryan. I don=t 8now why he 8eeps coming aro2nd. 0oes he thin8 I=m going

to change my mind34 I wondered 9or a min2te why Jy7e was sti77 p2rs2ing me. /hy wasn=t I a 7ost ca2se in his boo83 .-aybe he=s hoping:4 Cory rep7ied. ./e77 yo2 a7ready have one @5) o2t on a whac8o. 1o2 co27d a7ways get one on him:4 @ete s2ggested. I tho2ght abo2t how m2ch o9 a hass7e it was to get a protection order and the irony o9 having to get one against a bodyg2ard whose >ob it was to protect peop7e. .I2st 7eave him go:4 I m2ttered. .I don=t want a scene in my p2b tonight. I9 he shows 2p again: I=77 te77 him to stop.4 (ven tho2gh I said it o2t 7o2d: I 8new I wo27d have a di99ic27t time saying that to Jy7e=s 9ace. .?8ay.4 @ete nodded. .1o2r bar: yo2r decision. 2t say the word and we=77 introd2ce him to the sidewa78.4 It was 7ate S2nday a9ternoon when Ryan ca77ed. It was a7so time to te77 him abo2t Jy7e: so I braced 9or an arg2ment. Ryan was d2e to 97y home in 9ive days and I was hoping that the batt7e brewing between the two men co27d be avoided. .Jy7e has been showing 2p at the bar:4 I in9ormed Ryan. .I=ve been trying to ignore him b2tH4 Ryan: o9 co2rse: went ba77istic. ./hy the he77 didn=t yo2 te77 him to get 7ost: or do yo2 7i8e him coming aro2nd 9or yo234 he acc2sed: ye77ing at me in the process. .!o: I don=t 7i8e him coming aro2ndE 2t I a7so own a p2bC it=s 8ind o9 hard to 8eep the p2b7ic o2t:4 I snapped bac8. .Boney: I got a threatening 7etter in the mai7 s7ot the other day. I=ve been a 7itt7e scared.4 .I=m getting yo2 a new bodyg2ard immediate7y:4 Ryan in9ormed. .Boney:4 I groaned. .)nd I=m ta8ing care o9 this Jy7e b277shit once and 9or a77:4 he said angri7y. 0espite Ryan=s attempts at warding o99 Jy7e: two days 7ater Jy7e showed 2p at the bar. .-y company wants to send me to 0a77as:4 Jy7e said somber7y. .Some ritish dip7omat needs coverage.4 I tried to 7oo8 s2rprised even tho2gh I had e;pected something 7i8e this to happen

soon. I st2died the way his 7ips c2r7ed when he 7oo8ed at me and I co27dn=t he7p b2t 9ee7 g2i7ty 9or being the secret ca2se o9 his 7atest assignment. .AreatE )t 7east yo2=77 be a 7ot warmer there than here:4 I attempted to >o8e. .It was on7y thirty si; degrees o2t today.4 .I=m t2rning it down:4 Jy7e in9ormed me: 7oo8ing <2ite s2re o9 his decision. .1o2 can=t do thatE Can yo2 do that34 Inside I started to panic: envisioning him staying in town and showing 2p to start something with Ryan again. .I to7d yo2 I wo27dn=t ta8e any o2t o9 town assignments: Taryn:4 he reass2red me. .I=m staying here to ma8e s2re yo2=re sa9e and protected.4 I gasped. Bis origina7 charming persona7ity s2dden7y t2rned scary. I as8ed one o9 the c2stomers sitting at the bar i9 they needed a new drin8: 2sing it as an e;c2se to wa78 away 9or a moment. .There=s no one a9ter me. 1o2 need to ta8e the assignment.4 I 9a8ed a smi7e and 7oo8ed at him 7i8e he was being ridic27o2s. .So yo2 mean to te77 me o2t o9 a77 those craDy 9ans o9 his there isn=t one sti77 scaring or threatening to h2rt yo23 1o2 don=t need to 7ie to me: TarynE I can te77 by the way yo2=ve been so >2mpy 7ate7y that something is going on.4 -y p27se <2ic8ened and I 9roDe in p7ace. I was starting to thin8 that the on7y person I needed to be protected 9rom was Jy7e. .Jy7e: Ryan has hired another bodyg2ard 9or me. It=s not yo2r >ob to worry abo2t me.4 Jy7e scow7ed at me. .I don=t 8now why yo2 9e7t the need to do that:4 he groaned de9ensive7y. Be apparent7y didn=t 7i8e that piece o9 news at a77. I swa77owed hard and chose my words: a7most begging him to 2nderstand. .Jy7e: I=m not yo2r concern. I=m not yo2rs to protect. I 8now yo2 8now that.4 I hoped he co27d see the sincerity in my eyes. Jy7e=s demeanor 9rightened meC it was obvio2s he was h2rt and bordering on anger. .I have a detective reviewing any 7etters I get that threaten me:4 I 7ied. .The detective thin8s that the 7atest 7etters I=ve received are coming 9rom someone who 7ives here: not someone who has trave77ed here.4 Jy7e shi9ted his weight on his barstoo7.

.Be a7so thin8s that the sender is ma7e:4 I contin2ed: embe77ishing my 7ie and going with my h2nch. .It=s amaDing how they can 9ig2re things o2t 7i8e that.4 Jy7e too8 a sip o9 his beer and set it on the bar. Be stopped ma8ing eye contact. ./hy didn=t yo2 te77 me yo2 were getting 7etters34 Be ret2rned to g7ower at me. .Jy7e34 I ca77ed o2t to get his attention. ./hatever it is that yo2=re doing: p7easeH p7ease stop. It=s not hea7thy 9or either one o9 2s.4 Bis 7ips twitched and he 7oo8ed astonished. .)re yo2 acc2sing me o9 something3 1o2 have something to say: >2st say itE4 I tried to come 2p with an appropriate de9ense b2t I was power7ess 2nder his g7are. .Is this what yo2 rea77y thin8 o9 me34 he as8ed wari7y. .0o yo2 honest7y thin8 that I wo27d do something 7i8e that3 That I wo27d be capab7e o9 h2rting yo234 .Jy7e: I don=t 8now what yo2=re capab7e o9. 1o2 8now I=ve committed my heart to another man: yet here yo2 sit.4 I9 Jy7e was going to be angry with anyone: I wanted it to be me. .Taryn: I care abo2t yo2. That=s why I=m here. )nd it 8i77s me to see someone as wonder927 and bea2ti927 as yo2 are wasting yo2r 7ove on someone 7i8e Ryan.4 Be gritted his teeth. .1o2 said to me once that I p2t myse79 between peop7e who need protection and those who mean to do them harm.4 Be 7oo8ed me right in the eyes. .)t 7east I don=t ma8e o2t with a77 sorts o9 women 9or a 7iving. )nd one day when that man that yo2 7ove so m2ch has a s7ip o9 >2dgement and ta8es his acting too 9ar with some other woman: who=s the one who wi77 7ive with regret3 Be=77 on7y be sorry 9or a min2te. 1o2: on the other hand: wi77 be shattered.4 I t2rned my g7ance away. Bis words st2ng 7i8e a tho2sand need7es. .I 8eep hoping: Taryn. Boping that yo2r eyes wi77 open 2p and yo2=77 see the heartache be9ore it hits. ?nce he brea8s yo2: it wi77 ta8e a strong man to p2t yo2 bac8 together. 1o2 deserve a better 92t2re than thatE4 -y tho2ghts trave7ed a new co2rse: bac8 to the sa9e: 9ami7iar road that didn=t 7ead to heartache. -aybe I=d be better o99 a7one again3 .I=m here beca2se actions spea8 7o2der than words:4 he said: s2dden7y 7oo8ing hope927.

Bis statements sto8ed 2p the 9ires 2nder my deepest 9ears. )s m2ch as I wanted to c7ing to the tho2ght o9 Ryan=s 2ndivided 7ove: part o9 me sti77 9a7tered. .,ant you see hes trying to rip us apart#: Ryan=s voice echoed thro2gh my heart: sho2ting at me not to 7isten to Jy7e. .I love you% $ever doubt that,: my 7ove reminded me: the memory o9 his 7ips br2shing on mine when he spo8e those words made my mo2th ting7e. .Jy7eH4 I shoo8 my head. .ThisH this has to stop. @7ease. I thin8 it=s time 9or yo2 to 7eave.4 Be h299ed: comp7ete7y shoc8ed by my rep7y. /ith one 7ong g27p: he 9inished his beer and set the empty bott7e down on the bar. .5ine. I=77 see yo2 7ater:4 he m2ttered. Jy7e gathered his 8eys and s7ipped his >ac8et on. .!o: yo2 won=t:4 I said as I stepped c7oser to him. .Te77 Ryan he wi77 have to try harder i9 he wants me o2t o9 the pict2re:4 he m2ttered over his sho27der. .Jy7e: don=t 9orce my hand:4 I whispered. .Let go and wa78 away: with dignity.4 .Is that what you rea77y want34 he as8ed: his tone was sharp b2t at the same time: pained. .1es:4 I stated witho2t hesitation: a7tho2gh it pained me to say it. .Aoodbye Jy7e.4 I watched as Jy7e stormed o2t o9 the p2b. Be never 7oo8ed bac8. .(verything a77 right34 -arie as8ed. She had been watching the entire conversation 9rom the opposite end o9 the bar. I nodded: hating myse79 9or h2rting him. .Is he p7anning on coming bac834 -arie as8ed. .I don=t 8now. I hope not. -y nerves are so shot:4 I m2ttered. .I didn=t even get my period this wee8 9rom a77 o9 this stress.4 I tho2ght abo2t Ryan=s attempt to get Jy7e stationed e7sewhere and how that didn=t seem to wor8. I reached in my poc8et 9or my phoneC Ryan needed to be in9ormed be9ore he 97ew home. I wo27d never p2t him in harm=s way.

Chapter 33 - Rumors

Ryan sti77 had his >ac8et on when he sn2c8 into the p2b thro2gh the 8itchen door. Be was s2pposed to ca77 me when he was on his way 9rom the airport: b2t instead o9 a phone ca77: he decided to s2rprise me. Be came right behind the bar and tossed me over his sho27der: carrying me o99 <2ic87y into the 8itchen. Be set me down to rest on one o9 the new stain7ess stee7 co2nters and I wrapped my 7egs aro2nd his waist. .?h Aod: I missed yo2:4 he said whi7e 8issing me. I gigg7ed 7ight7y. .I missed yo2 tooE4 Be 7et me go 7ong eno2gh to hasti7y p277 his >ac8et o99. ./hat do yo2 thin8Ho9 the 8itchen34 I managed to m2mb7e. Bis tong2e was <2ite a distraction. .Uh2h:4 he m2ttered: 8issing me harder. The 8itchen was dar8 and his eyes were c7osed. .Loo8sH great.4 Bis mo2th 7oc8ed tight7y on mine. .It=s good to be home:4 he 9ina77y sighed: giving 2s both a moment to breathe again. It didn=t ta8e 2s 7ong to grab his bags and ma8e o2r way 2pstairs to the apartment. .It=s been a 7ong day:4 Ryan said: yawning. .I haven=t been s7eeping we77 at a77:4 he m2rm2red on my nec8. Be p277ed me tighter to his body and ad>2sted his head on his pi77ow. .I=ve discovered that I can=t s7eep witho2t yo2 in my arms. I=ve been 9orced to h2g a pi77ow every night:4 he said sad7y. .It=s >2st not the same.4 .I 8now what yo2 mean:4 I whispered. .This bed is co7d and empty witho2t yo2 in it.4 Be 8issed me so9t7y. .?h sweetheart: I 8now it=s to2gh to be apart: b2t yo2 8now it=s not permanent. I=m going to try and come home as m2ch as I canH it=s going to be hard tho2gh beca2se we have a rea77y tight shooting sched27e. I9 yo2 come down 9or a 9ew days and I come home 9or a 9ew

days it won=t be so bad. The ne;t co2p7e o9 wee8s wi77 97y by.4 I sighed. ?2r re7ationship was 7i8e one giant h2rd7e a9ter another: where crossing o99 each day on the ca7endar was the goa7. ./hat=s wrong34 he as8ed: 8issing my nose. I shr2gged: not s2re o9 how to answer him. .Tar: Boney34 he whispered. ./hat=s on yo2r mind34 ./e=re going to be 7i8e two ships passing in the night:4 I m2ttered: 8nowing we wo27d be apart more than together. .BeyH4 Ryan propped his body 2p on his e7bow. .0on=t worry. I 8now this year wi77 be ro2gh: b2t everything is going to wor8 o2t.4 .I >2st don=t want o2r life to 97y by:4 I whispered. .Some days it wi77: and some days it won=t. /e have to be than8927 9or what we have. I2st thin8 how a77 those 9ami7ies have to cope when one o9 their 7oved ones goes overseas 9or mi7itary d2ty. )t 7east we get to see each other o9ten and we can ta78 on the phone every day.4 Ryan craw7ed onto me: p7ay9277y biting me on the nec8. .1o2 worry too m2ch. esides: I have it a77 9ig2red o2t:4 he m2rm2red devi7ish7y on my s8in. .?h yo2 do: do yo234 I snic8ered. I r2bbed my hands over his sho27ders and down his bac8 to massage his m2sc7es. .-mmhmm:4 he m2rm2red: 8issing my chee8. ./e=re going to ta8e it one day at a time * together.4 I was sti77 8issing him when I b7in8ed. ?2r thirty*si; ho2rs together 97ew by and was <2ic87y coming to an end. Ryan had a S2nday night 97ight bac8 to -iami. .Bey -i8eE4 I h2gged Ryan=s 9aith927 bodyg2ard when he came to pic8 Ryan 2p 9or their trip to the airport. .1o2 ta8ing good care o9 my man down there34 I as8ed. .1o2 8now me: Taryn. I carry a big stic8E4 -i8e >o8ed. .AoodE Jeep a77 o9 those 9ans o99 o9 himE4 I 7a2ghed. .5o2rteen days:4 Ryan whispered in my ear. . ring yo2r swim s2it: Gca2se I=m snea8ing yo2 o99 to the Jeys 9or a day.4 I grinned at him. .I can=t waitE 1o2 have everything yo2 need34

.1eah: I have eno2gh c7ean c7othes now to 7ast me a whi7e. Jiss me: we=ve got to go.4 Ryan n2DD7ed me. .-i8e: don=t 9orget Ryan=s g2itar.4 I pic8ed 2p the case. .0o yo2 want me to carry it o2t to the car34 .!o. I2st stay inside: Taryn. The paparaDDi are o2t there:4 -i8e groaned. .I 7ove yo2: Boney.4 Ryan 8issed me. .I=77 ca77 yo2 tonight when I get to the hote7.4 The second the bac8 door opened: cameras started to c7ic8. I saw Ryan <2ic87y >2mp into the b7ac8 sedan be9ore o2r new stee7 door c7osed comp7ete7y behind him.

The beginning o9 5ebr2ary bro2ght bitter co7d and a 9ine 7ayer o9 snow and ice to Rhode Is7and. It a7so 9roDe in p7ace a 9ew other annoyances 6 severa7 paparaDDi sti77 7ingered behind. I was c7eaning 2p the bar T2esday night when Cory po2nded on the 9ront door. I had c7osed ear7y on acco2nt o9 the bad weather. )7coho7 and 9reeDing rain never mi;ed we77. .Taryn: my car won=t start.4 Cory breathed on his hands to warm them 2p. .?h: and do yo2 have any roc8 sa7t 9or the sidewa783 It=s rea77y icy o2t there.4 I p2t my heavy coat and g7oves on and grabbed the bag o9 roc8 sa7t 9rom the o99ice. ./hoaE4 I sho2ted as I s7ipped on the ice o2tside my door. Cory ca2ght me be9ore I hit the gro2nd. .Care927E4 he reminded me. .0amnE It=s 7i8e an ice rin8 o2t here.4 I st2c8 a p7astic c2p inside the bag and tossed sa7t a77 over my portion o9 the sidewa78. .To7d yo2E4 Cory teased. .1o2 thin8 yo2 can give me a ride home34 .Cory: I can=t drive in this. It=s too dangero2s.4 I co27d bare7y stand witho2t s7ipping. ./hy don=t yo2 >2st crash here tonight:4 I s2ggested. .1o2 can stay in the g2est room.4 .Bey: i9 yo2 don=t mind. C7asses are going to be cance77ed tomorrow anyway:4 Cory said: sprin87ing more sa7t near the c2rb. .I wonder i9 -ario=s @iDDa is sti77 open34 I tried to wa78 bac8 to the bag o9 sa7t to re9i77 my c2p b2t I co27dn=t get a 9ooting on the patch o9 ice I was standing on. .Be7pE4 I whimpered. .I=m st2c8 here. I can=t moveE4

Cory 7a2ghed at me. ./hat3 Can=t yo2 ice s8ate34 .!ot in d2c8 bootsE4 I 7a2ghed. .Bere. Ta8e my hand. I=77 p277 yo2 to sa9ety.4 Cory s7id me across the ice. I 7a2ghed o2t 7o2d beca2se it was act2a77y a 7ot o9 92n. .1o2 need to b2y boots with traction:4 Cory in9ormed. .Those things have no bite.4 I started s7ipping again so I grabbed his arm. .Come onH I=77 tow yo2 over to the door be9ore yo2 9a77 and brea8 an ass chee8 o2t hereE4 .Fery 92nny. Can yo2 even brea8 an ass chee834 I as8ed. .1o2 want to 9ind o2t34 he >eered. .!oE I2st he7p me to the door be9ore I do tho2gh.4 Cory 7a2ghed. .(ven i9 yo2 co27d drive me home: I=m pict2ring yo2 stranded o2t here on the sidewa78 a77 night. 1o2=77 be a 9roDen @opsic7e by morning.4 .Sh2t it or no s72mber party tonightE I was going to ma8e popcorn.4 .This is going to be so m2ch 92nE4 Cory 2sed a 9eminine voice. ./e can stay 2p a77 night and paint o2r nai7s and ta78 abo2t boysE4 The ne;t morning the s2n was bright and warm: me7ting some o9 the ice. .Care927 Taryn:4 Cory warned. .It=s sti77 icy in some spots.4 Be he7d o2t his hand to me. Cory and I made it twenty 9eet down the sidewa78 be9ore three paparaDDi descended on 2s. ./ho=s the new g2y: Taryn34 one pes8y photographer as8ed. .Is this yo2r new boy9riend34 .!o: abso72te7y not:4 I answered direct7y bac8 to the paparaDDi. -y rep7y to that asinine <2estion was now capt2red digita77y. ./hy the he77 do they 8eep ta8ing o2r pict2re34 Cory m2ttered to me 2nder his breath. /e were t2c8ed beneath the hood o9 my car trying to >2mpstart his tr2c8 with my In9initi. .They=re ta8ing my pict2re:4 I <2iet7y in9ormed him. .Ao sit inside yo2r car:4 he groaned so9t7y: trying to be stea7thy with his comment. .This is ridic27o2sE 0oes Ryan go thro2gh this a77 the time34

.1eah.4 I nodded. .@oor g2y:4 Cory whispered. .This shit wo27d drive me n2ts.4 .?8ay: g2ys.4 I he7d 2p my hand to te77 the photographers that I had eno2gh. .5riendH ice stormH dead batteryH yo2 get the point: right34 I saw the o7d: Ita7ian photographer sh2997ing a7ong the sidewa78: trying to catch 2p to the other v27t2res. .Iimmy @op: be care927E It=s rea77y icy there. I9 yo2 9a77: yo2=re rea77y going to h2rt yo2rse79:4 I warned. .1o2 need he7p: -iss Taryn34 Iimmy as8ed me. Bis camera was s72ng over his sho27der instead o9 ta8ing my photo. Be was sincere7y concerned. .!o than8 yo2: Iimmy. Cory=s battery is dead:4 I nice7y rep7ied. .I thin8 we have it 2nder contro7.4 .?8ay. Bow=s -ister Ryan34 Iimmy=s wrin87ed 9ace c2r7ed with his <2estion. .Be=s good: Iimmy.4 I smi7ed. .Be is nice and warm in 57orida. Bow are yo234 .?h my hands h2rt:4 he moaned. .I g2ess yo2 can=t te77 me when -ister Ryan is coming bac83 This co7dH4 Iimmy shivered and tossed his 7it cigarette into the street. .Iimmy:4 I whined 7ight7y: .yo2 8now I can=t say.4 .I 8now.4 Iimmy came c7oser to me. Bis eyes scanned bac8 and 9orth to see who co27d be 7istening. . e care927 when yo2=re o2tside:4 he whispered: ca2tioning me with his eyes. .1o2 8now what I te77 yo234 .1es: Iimmy.4 I nodded. .Then go bac8 inside: <2ic87y -iss Taryn:4 Iimmy advised. .?8ay: I wi77. I9 yo2 ever want to warm 2p: yo2=re a7ways we7come inside my p2b:4 I whispered bac8 to him. . 7ess yo2: dearE !ow go: <2ic87y:4 Iimmy sighed. 5o2r days a9ter Ryan 97ew bac8 to 57orida: it was reported in the tab7oids that Ryan ended o2r re7ationship and moved o2t. @ict2res o9 Ryan 7oo8ing annoyed and sad: getting into the b7ac8 sedan whi7e -i8e pac8ed the tr2n8 with Ryan=s be7ongings were p2b7ished. The reason Ryan s2pposed7y ended o2r re7ationship was capt2red in pict2res as we77" The 2n9aith927 Taryn -itche77 6 ho7ding hands and 9ro7ic8ing in the snow with the c2te

bartender who wor8s 9or her. I was g7ad that I to7d Ryan abo2t Cory staying over on the same night that it happened so he 8new e;act7y why there were photographs o9 Cory and me together. It sti77 didn=t prevent the 7ies 9rom being written"

)o*e on the Roc8sRyan=s rep may be denying the brea82p: b2t there was no denying what we saw going on at the heartthrob=s secret Seaport: Rhode Is7and hideaway over the wee8endERyan Christensen and his bodyg2ard were seen 7eaving at +@- on S2nday: stepping o2t with severa7 pieces o9 72ggage and persona7 items. They then headed direct7y to the airport: where Ryan <2ic87y departed bac8 to -iami. .Ryan didn=t stay 7ong a9ter persona77y co77ecting his things.4So does this con9irm the brea82p3 S2re seems that way: since Ryan has been seen secret7y hoo8ing 2p with his new7y sing7e co*star: La2ren 0e7aney: in -iami. Loo8s 7i8e Ryan and La2ren=s re7ationship is bac8 onE .A2ess we won=t see Ryan Christensen here in Seaport anymore. Be bro8e 2p with her:4 the 2n9ami7iar 9ema7e c2stomer sitting at the bar whispered to her 9riend: nodded in my direction. I tapped a pitcher o9 beer 9or another c2stomer: trying to ignore their conversation: b2t it was di99ic27t. .Bow co27d she be so st2pid3 I mean i9 she 7et that s7ip thro2gh her 9ingers: then she doesn=t deserve him:4 the other gir7 whispered bac8. I 9ina77y had eno2gh. .(;c2se me3 /e didn=t brea8 2p. /hen are yo2 peop7e going to rea7iDe that those tab7oids p2b7ish nothing b2t 7ies34 .Tar: 7eave it go:4 -arie <2ic87y interr2pted my rant. .!oE I=m sic8 o9 thisE I=m sic8 o9 peop7e whispering abo2t me in my own barE4 I 7oo8ed direct7y at the two gir7s who started my tirade. .-y boy9riend: who I am sti77 with: is 9i7ming in 57oridaE Be is wor8ing 9o2rteen ho2r days: seven days a wee8 witho2t a brea8 to ma8e a movie 9or a77 o9 yo2 2ngrate927 peop7e to en>oyE4 I raised my voice. .)nd this is the than8s he gets34 .Tar:4 -arie grabbed my arm: .yo2 don=t owe anyone an e;p7anation abo2t yo2r persona7 7i9e.4 -arie said that 7o2d eno2gh 9or most to hear.

./here are yo2r boy9riends: h2h34 I as8ed the two gir7s. .0id yo2 have se; with them 7ast night3 0o yo2 have pict2res3 Come on * te77 meH I have a right to 8now. It=s on7y 9airE 1o2 8now my 7i9eC I want to 8now yo2rs. I9 yo2=re going to be o2t in p2b7ic: then yo2r 7i9e is no 7onger private either.4 .Sorry: we didn=t mean to 2pset yo2:4 the one gir7 apo7ogiDed. .Ryan and I are peop7e: >2st 7i8e yo2:4 I retorted. .I2st beca2se he ma8es a 7iving being a wor8ing actor does not mean he gave 2p having a private 7i9e. 1o2=re entit7ed to privacy 6 so are we.4 etween the 9a7se acc2sations: Jy7e=s <2estionab7e behavior: the 72r8ing paparaDDi: and being separated 9rom Ryan: I was >2st abo2t ready to go o2t o9 my mind. I co27dn=t wait to get on that p7ane and head to 57orida 9or some 92n in the s2n with my 7ove. ?n7y eight more ho2rs and two 97ights to end2re be9ore I 9ina77y get to see him. I p277ed my white cotton shirt over my head and debated over what coat to wear. It was a ba7my twenty*seven degrees o2tside my window b2t it wo27d be in the seventies when I 7and in -iami. I p2t a thin top over my T*shirt 6 deciding it wo27d be best to dress in 7ayers. I stopped to ma8e s2re the bac8 door was 7oc8ed be9ore I ro77ed my s2itcase down the a77ey. ?9 co2rse when I stepped o2tside Iimmy @op and two other photographers were sta8ed o2t: waiting to catch me doing something wrong. That=s a77 I neededC one more photograph to set the gossip magaDines ab7aDe with their 7ies. I9 these magaDines on7y 8new how many 7ives they a7most tear apart with their 9abricated stories and 9a7se acc2sations. /hat a pathetic way to ma8e a b2c8. I hated a77 o9 them and everyone who wor8ed 9or them. .1o2 have a nice: sa9e trip: -iss TarynE4 Iimmy @op wished me we77. .Than8 yo2 Iimmy:4 I so9t7y said: giving him a brie9 smi7e 9or his 8indness. Be had his camera pointing downC he was the on7y photographer to 7eave me a moment o9 peace. Since I was 7eaving: the three photographers departed in the opposite direction. They had no reason to hang aro2nd my door any 7onger. I ro77ed my s2itcase down the s72shy aspha7t: pa2sing at the mo2th o9 the a77ey where the snowp7ow had made mo2nds o9 dirty: watery snow. I wanted to 8eep my s2itcase c7ean and dry and this sma77 tre8 down the a77ey was not he7ping. I too8 my time wa78ing the 7ast 9ew 9eet that wo27d p2t me in the streetC the co7d 5ebr2ary air had ca2sed some o9 the me7ting

snow to re9reeDe and I didn=t want to have my pict2re ta8en s7ipping on the ice and 9a77ing down. That wo27d be embarrassing 9or s2re. I 7i9ted my s2itcase over a sma77 pi7e o9 snow and g7anced 2p and down -27berry Street 9or tra99ic. Terror * abso72te terror * b7aDed thro2gh me 9rom the sight that my eyes too8 in. I 9roDe in p7ace: sti97ing the 2rge to scream. )drena7ine co2rsed into my veins when I saw her: )nge7ica: sitting in her o7d: b72e @7ymo2th Aran 52ry not more than si;ty 9eet 9rom where I stood. The 9ear she incited s7id thro2gh me 7i8e a hot 8ni9e in warm b2tterC she was o2t o9 prison and waiting 9or me. ?2r eyes made contactC I co27d 9ee7 her hatred 9or me b7ast thro2gh the air and stri8e me where I stood: g72ing my 9eet to the gro2nd. This wo27d be her moment: the time that she=d been waiting 9or: to 9ina77y ta8e me o2t o9 the pict2re. I saw her hand reach 2p and p277 the gear shi9ter down to p2t her car in drive. So m2ch 9or s7icing me into pieces. The thic8 stee7 b2mper and cr2shing weight o9 her o7d car wo27d 97atten me 7i8e a steamro77er. She p277ed the o7d @7ymo2th away 9rom the c2rbC her car s7ow7y ro77ed to the stop sign. -y mind did the <2ic8 menta7 ca7c27ation to determine whether I co27d ma8e it across the s72shy: icy street dragging my s2itcase be9ore she co27d r2n me down. I was not sa9e on the sidewa78 either and I was too 9ar away 9rom my bac8 door to r2nC besides: I had a p7ane to catch. I had no choiceC my car across the street in the 7ot wo27d be my on7y sanct2ary. -y eyes were 7oc8ed on hers as I stepped o2t into the streetC I wo27dn=t give her the satis9action o9 7oo8ing away i9 she was going to r2n me down. I wo27d not go o2t being a coward. I was a7most ha79way across the street: b2t she hadn=t moved an inch. Why isnt she speeding at me# I e;pected her to mash her 9oot down on the gas peda7 and careen her car in my direction. I a77owed my eyes one brie9 g7ance at the opposing sidewa78 when I noticed the si7ver strea8 in 9ront o9 my eyes. I9 she didn=t move: why do I hear tires screeching3 The searing pain in my stomach was what I 9e7t 9irstC pain 7i8e I had never 9e7t be9ore in my 7i9e. The battering ram that str2c8 me instant7y 8noc8ed the air o2t o9 my 72ngs. -y

9ingers pee7ed away 9rom the hand7e o9 my s2itcase witho2t any conscio2s e99ort on my part. I 9e7t my chin smac8 down with 9orce on a co7d: 97at s2r9ace. The contact made my chee8 smear on the b72r o9 shimmery si7ver. I2st 7i8e the time when I had watched Ryan 9i7m his 9ight se<2ence: I had the sensation o9 ropes p277ing me sideways: 9o77owed by the 9ee7ing o9 97ying. Why am I rolling# The pain ret2rnedC a new pain this time crac8ed into my 7e9t hand and shot a77 the way 2p my arm: 9o77owed by a pain927 smac8 in the head. Instant7y I was co7d and wet: watching my 7i9e pass be9ore my eyes. The 7ast thing I remember was hearing the >ing7ing so2nd o9 my co77ection o9 8eys when they 7anded on the gro2nd. ThenH everything went b7ac8.

Chapter 31 - =roa si e

I heard the dar8 shadow whisper .she=s not breathing4 be9ore his 7ips pressed into mine. The shadow=s warm breath was sta7e and 7i9e7ess: and tasted 7i8e a mi;t2re o9 b7ood and cigarettes. I 9e7t the shadow=s strength when he to2ched my 9ace: pinching my nose with 9orce. -w, that hurts! &e gentle! The wind that he b7ew into my chest b2rned my 72ngs 7i8e 9ire. .?h my AodE ?h my AodE4 a 9ema7e voice cried o2t. Ber ha7o g7owed 7i8e a spar87ing rainbow aro2nd her head. .I tried to stopE4 she sobbed. .ont worry heavenly angel% Its o"ay! I tried to say: b2t no words came 9rom my mo2th. I wanted to ca7m her: stop her 9rom crying. Why ant I spea" to her# .-iss TarynE4 the ma7e voice cried: b7owing another g2st o9 searing wind into my chest. Bis third g2st 9i77ed my so27C I 9e7t my breast rise to the s8y towards the 7ight. The wind scorched me 9rom inside and I s<2eeDed my eyes tight 9rom the pain. (verything was dar8 againC my body craved new air. -y mo2th and eyes 97ew open when my 72ngs p277ed in a sharp breath on their own. I gasped repeated7y 9or more airC it co27dn=t come into my body <2ic8 eno2gh. 0aDed and disoriented: my eyes tried to re9oc2s on a77 the 9aces that 7oo8ed down at me. Some 9aces were sideways: some were 2pside down. Bow pec27iarE I tried to reason with these new visions b2t the b2rn in my chest and the taste o9 b7ood in my mo2th overpowered those tho2ghts. Who are these people# Why am I lying in the street# I t2rned my head to see who was ta78ing to me. It was Iimmy @opC he was 8nee7ing ne;t to me. .?h -iss Taryn. ?iE4 he cried. .?h -iss TarynE Stop ta8ing pict2res o9 herE4 Iimmy ye77ed. Be tried to shie7d my body with his own.

I wanted to get 2pC I didn=t want to be 7aying in the co7d snow and the street. /hen I tried to move: the pain b7asted in my g2t and radiated o2t towards my hips. In the distance I co27d hear the screaming so2nd o9 sirensC the noise was coming towards me. .0on=t move: don=t moveE Stay sti77E4 another voice sho2ted at me. The shri77 o9 sirens was more prono2nced now. Their tones changed as they approached. I co27d see the red and b72e 97ashing 7ights re97ecting o99 the p2dd7es on the wet street. .Iimmy:4 I cho8ed. .Iimmy.4 The b7ood in my mo2th c7ogged my throat. I 7oo8ed at the o7d: Ita7ian man 8nee7ing ne;t to meC his eyes were wrin87ed and wet with tears. .-y p2rseH4 I garb7ed. .@hone. Ca77 Ryan.4 .-ove bac8: everyone move bac8:4 I heard a man sho2ting. ) new 9ace appeared in my visionC this one too was 2pside down. I 9e7t the 7eather o9 his g7oves when he wrapped his 9ingers aro2nd the sides o9 my head. (ven tho2gh his 9ace was reversed: he sti77 7oo8ed 9ami7iar. .0on=t try to move:4 he ca2tioned me. .Te77 me yo2r name.4 .Taryn.4 I tried to swa77ow. The b7ood tasted horrib7e. .TarynH -itche77.4 .Taryn: it=s ?99icer Car7ton. The amb27ance is on its way. )re yo2 a77ergic to any medicines34 .!o.4 I 9e7t re7ie9 8nowing I=d be resc2ed soon. .Can yo2 te77 me what happened34 the o99icer <2estioned. I co27d see 9rom the corner o9 my eye that Iimmy @op had my phone in his hand. Be and another man were 92mb7ing with it. I9 they wo27d >2st hand me the phone I co27d ca77 Ryan. .Aive meH4 I wea87y as8ed: ho7ding my arm o2t to them. .TarynE4 0o yo2 remember what happened34 ?99icer Car7ton as8ed again with more 2rgency. .I wasH crossing the street. She wasH carH waiting.4 I tried to 7i9t my 7e9t arm and point in the direction where )nge7ica=s car was: b2t when I tried the pain shot down into my e7bow. My arm must be bro"en% .I didn=t see.4 I tried to swa77ow. The b7ood was congea7ing in my mo2th.

.?h: -ister Ryan: -ister Ryan. It=s Iimmy. ?h: come. 1o2 come <2ic8E -iss Taryn: she=s been hit by a carE ?h: ho: hoE4 Be started to cry. !ew sirens >oined in the mi; o9 noise and con92sion. They seemed to come 9rom a77 directions towards me: and they had di99erent tones. .I=m a7ive:4 I m2mb7ed: hoping Iimmy wo27d te77 Ryan the same. The po7ice o99icer that was ho7ding my head sti77 8ept as8ing me <2estions. .Um: I=m on the pi77... >2st birth contro7.4 I answered his <2estion abo2t what medicine I ta8e. Someone covered me with a b7an8et. .She=s ta78ing to the po7ice:4 I heard Iimmy say in the phone. )t 7east he 8new I was a7ive. -h, 8yan, I cried inside. .)mb27ance is here. 1o2 come nowE4 Iimmy ordered. .I don=t 8now. I 9ind o2t.4 I was g7ad that the po7ice made the crowd move away 9rom me. There was too m2ch going onC it was con92sing. .Te77 me yo2r name:4 a new voice as8ed. Late; c7ad hands rep7aced the po7iceman=s hands and I was 7oo8ing at a new 2pside down 9ace. The paramedic was attending to me now. .Taryn -itche77.4 I tried to pic8 dried b7ood o99 my 7ip. It 9e7t strange to ta78C my 7ip seemed way too big. Swo77en. -y right arm moved with on7y the s7ightest bit o9 pain. .I=m twenty*seven:4 I m2ttered: answering his age <2estion. Be as8ed me the same <2estions abo2t medicines and a77ergies. *ust get me off the damn old street is what I rea77y wanted to say. -y head was wrapped in some red co7ored r2bber co77ar thing. It made me 9ee7 c7a2strophobic when they s<2eeDed it to my chee8s. !o 7onger co27d I g7ance at Iimmy @op and the phone that connected me to Ryan. I heard the amb27ance driver te77 Iimmy that I=d be transported to Saint L28e=s Bospita7: which was one town over. Be conveyed the message to Ryan. I was so re7ieved that he 8new where to 9ind me. I=d never ma8e it to -iami or his hote7... not today. The amb27ance crew ro77ed me to my sideC I cried o2t in pain when they ro77ed me onto my arm. S7ow7y they ro77ed me onto my bac8 and I was strapped down in p7ace on a sti99 board. .I tried to cross the street. /e have a sta78er. She was waiting: in her car.4 I had to catch my breath. The pain in my stomach was e;cr2ciating. .I tho2ght she was going to r2n me over. So I ran. I ran. I didn=t see the other car. I wasn=t 7oo8ing.4 -y words came easier

now: even tho2gh my teeth were starting to chatter together and my 7ip 9e7t twenty po2nds over*in97ated. .?99icer:4 the paramedic sho2ted. I had to repeat my story. .)nge7icaH Sta2nton. She=sH sta78ing me and my boy9riend. She m2st have gotten o2t o9 >ai7. /e have a restraining orderC it=s in my p2rse.4 I tried to point. It h2rt to breathe. .She was waiting in her car: and she p277ed away 9rom the c2rb when she saw me. I tho2ght she was going to hit me: so I ran. I didn=t see.4 I swa77owed hard. .I didn=t see the other car. It was my 9a27t.4 I was g7ad to 9ina77y be 2p and o99 the street: even tho2gh I was 7ying on a sti99 board. I 8now they tried to be care927 b2t I was sti77 >ost7ed a bit when they ro77ed me into the amb27ance. The cameras 97ashed repeated7y o99 the g7ass in the amb27ance. (reat, more embarrassing publi ity + !ust what 8yan needs! I 9e7t a need7e stic8 me in the arm: b2t the discom9ort was minima7. !eed7es: tape: <2estions: shoes removedH my head swir7ed. The sirens b7aDed to 7i9e and we were 9ina77y on o2r way to the hospita7. About time! I sighed: re7ieved we were moving. -y eyes g7anced over at the paramedicC he had menacing si7ver scissors in his hand. !o sooner did the amb27ance get going: he st2c8 the scissors into the pants 7eg o9 my >eans and started c2tting. ./hat are yo2 doing34 I panic8ed as he c2t my >eans: the same >eans I was wearing the 9irst day I met Ryan. .Stay ca7m: -iss -itche77. I need to assess the 7eve7 o9 yo2r in>2ries.4 I c7osed my eyes whi7e he c2t 2p the 9ront o9 both 7egs o9 my >eans: a77 the way to my waist. !e;t he c2t thro2gh the 7ayers o9 my shirts: snipping my white 7ace bra open between my breasts. Be c2t my 2nderwear and p2shed the tattered: wet remains o9 my c7othing o2t o9 his way: e;posing my na8ed body. I 9e7t 7i8e I was being raped and there was nothing I co27d do abo2t it. )77 my c7othes were c2t: one by one: piece by piece: 9rom my body. Tears 9ormed and dripped o2t o9 the corners o9 my eyes. Be started r2nning his hands 9rom the top o9 my head down every part o9 my body and I shivered with 9ear. Be s<2eeDed my arms: stopping at my 7e9t wrist when I cried o2t.

.amn, its definitely re+bro"en% Be was 7istening with his stethoscope and when he ran his hands over my ribs the pain it generated made me moan o2t in agony. Be s<2eeDed my 7egsC I was g7ad that it didn=t ca2se any ma>or pain. I co27d 9ee7 every to2ch o9 his warm hands. I was na8ed: 9277y e;posed: and 9reeDing. Be hoo8ed me 2p with that annoying o;ygen thing that 9its in yo2r nostri7s. )7tho2gh it was 2ncom9ortab7e: it act2a77y he7ped. .I=m 9reeDing.4 -y teeth chattered. I was g7ad when he 9ina77y covered me with a nice: thic8 b7an8et. .Unit 1+,# inbo2nd: ten to twe7ve min2te (T)H4 .Is the driver o8ay34 I as8ed when he 9inished ta78ing on the radio. .Let=s >2st worry abo2t yo2 right now:4 he 97at7y rep7ied. ./hat did I hit34 I m2rm2red. .It was an SUF ma=am:4 he answered. .I remember si7ver. /as it si7ver co7ored34 -y eyes s<2inted: trying to remember the detai7s. .1es: it was.4 Be nodded. I sighed: re7ieved that I co27d remember. The paramedic and his partner whee7ed me thro2gh the g7ass doors o9 the emergency room where I was immediate7y ro77ed into a c2rtained room. !2rses and doctors descended 7i8e 97ies and I was moved 9rom the stretcher to the hospita7 g2rney. I spent the ne;t 9ive ho2rs being po8ed: prodded: R*rayed: and -RI=d. I had a new IF st2c8 in the top o9 my right hand and a c7ip to meas2re something was snapped on my 9inger. (verything was taped sec2re7y in p7ace. I had a recta7 e;am: a vagina7 e;am: was st2c8 repeated7y with need7es: and they too8 my b7ood press2re with that st2pid a2tomatic machine a tho2sand times. 02ring the moments that I wasn=t being po8ed or <2iDDed: I a77owed myse79 to cry. I 9e7t so a7oneC I >2st wanted to see Ryan. I needed him to ho7d me. (vent2a77y my 7e9t arm was wrapped in a cast: 9rom my hand to my e7bow. The doctor gave me a b72e wrap beca2se he said the co7or matched my eyes. I thin8 he was >2st trying to ca7m me.

)n o7der 9ema7e order7y whee7ed me bac8 into the emergency room: ret2rning me to the same 7itt7e c2rtain area I was in be9ore. ) doctor and a n2rse came in a 9ew moments 7aterC the n2rse was p2shing a 7arge machine into the room with her. .-s. -itche77: I=m 0octor /i77sten. I=m the attending ? A1!. /e have the res27ts o9 yo2r 2rina7ysis and yo2=ve tested positive 9or being pregnant. /e=re going to do an 27traso2nd o9 yo2r 2ter2s.4 ./hat34 -y tho2ghts sp2n wi7d7y. I shoo8 my head in disbe7ie9. .Um: that=s impossib7e. I can=t be pregnant. I ta8e birth contro7 pi77s. 1o2 m2st be mista8en.4 Be smi7ed as he wrote something on a c7ipboard. .1o2 8now that birth contro7 pi77s are not one h2ndred percent e99ective in preventing pregnancy. Bave yo2 recent7y ta8en any other types o9 medications3 )ny over*the*co2nter prod2cts34 I remembered how sic8 I was a9ter Than8sgiving: b2t that was wee8s ago. .I had a bad sin2s in9ection and bronchitis at the beginning o9 0ecember. -y doctor gave me antibiotics.4 0octor /i77sten 7oo8ed 2p 9rom his paperwor8 and smi7ed at me again. .That wi77 cance7 o2t the e99ectiveness o9 the birth contro7 medicine.4 I heard a commotion coming 9rom o2tside my room: distracting me momentari7y. .She=s this way:4 I heard a 9ema7e voice say. I p277ed the cover 2p higher to my nec8 in case reporters or photographers were going to come ripping aro2nd the corner. The weight o9 a tho2sand worries 7i9ted o99 my chest when Ryan came r2nning aro2nd the c2rtain. Be r2shed right to my side. .Boney: are yo2 a77 right34 Be 8issed my 9ace: my 9orehead. I 8new I had a b2sted 7ip. I co27d 9ee7 it was swo77en. .?h Boney:4 he cried o2t so9t7y. Bis eyes 7oo8ed me over to assess the damage. Tears o9 re7ie9 streamed down my chee8sC a77 I co27d do was nod my head. .I was >2st abo2t to review the e;tent o9 her in>2ries with her:4 the man with the 0octor Car7ino nametag anno2nced. .Co27d we p7ease get yo2 to wait o2tside 9or a moment: sir34 .!o:4 I said 9ierce7y: ho7ding Ryan=s hand with my good hand. .Be stays. This is my boy9riend.4 0octor Car7ino nodded. ./e have reviewed a77 the test res27ts and I=m happy to

in9orm yo2 that yo2r in>2ries are minima7. 1o2r 7e9t 27na is 9ract2red above the wrist: b2t as yo2 see we=ve a7ready addressed that with a cast. 1o2r ribs are severe7y br2ised: b2t 72c8i7y there are no 9ract2res. 1o2=77 be <2ite sore 9or severa7 wee8s tho2gh. The cont2sions on yo2r s8in wi77 event2a77y 9ade. /e wi77 treat yo2r in>2ries with pain management medications. 1o2r 7ip and 9ace are swo77en 9rom the impact: b2t 9ort2nate7y it doesn=t re<2ire stitches. )nd yo2=ve got a 9air amo2nt o9 br2ising and what we ca77 Groad rash= b2t that wi77 a77 hea7 with time. /e e;pect yo2 to ma8e a 9277 recovery.4 Be smi7ed. .-y co77eag2e: 0octor /i77sten: has been ca77ed in to assess the 9eta7 ris8.4 I 7oo8ed 2p at RyanC he was trying to soa8 that one in. I gasped in a 9ew ragged breaths. .Ryan: they >2st to7d me I=m pregnant.4 -y voice was sha8y with 9ear o9 te77ing him this news. .I=m sorry:4 I whispered. -y eyes 97ic8ered bac8 to his. .@regnant34 Be shoo8 his head s7ight7y. .I tho2ghtH4 .The doctor said that the antibiotics I too8 a co2p7e o9 wee8s ago co27d have a99ected my birth contro7 pi77.4 I 9e7t a tear 7eave my eye. .I=m so sorry. I didn=t 8now.4 .I=d 7i8e to do an 27traso2nd now:4 0octor /i77sten anno2nced: ro77ing the cart c7oser to the bed. -y 7egs were draped in a sheet whi7e the doctor inserted a 7ong probe inside me. The an;iety o9 9inding o2t that I was pregnant made my 7egs sha8e. .?wH4 I winced 9rom the pain. .Sorry: I 8now it=s 2ncom9ortab7e.4 -y pain didn=t stop him. The doctor was hitting a 7ot o9 b2ttons: ta8ing some sort o9 readings. Be mar8ed an R at one end o9 a circ7e and another R on the opposite side. I was staring intent7y at the monitor: wondering how the he77 he 8new what he was 7oo8ing it. .1o2=re abo2t si; and a ha79 wee8s a7ong. Bmm.4 Be 7oo8ed at a 7itt7e ca7endar and co2nted bac8wards. .Christmas babyE4 Be smi7ed at 2s. I 9e7t Ryan s<2eeDe my hand. Be c7ic8ed a 9ew more b2ttons and we heard this strange noise over the machine=s spea8er. It was a 9ast whooshing noise. ./hat is that34 Ryan as8ed hesitant7y. .That=s the heartbeat:4 the doctor stated. The machine printed o2t a pict2re: which the doctor handed to Ryan. .That=s the

embryo.4 Ryan 7eaned on my pi77ow ne;t to my head. ) h2ge smi7e crossed his 9ace. .That=s o2r baby3 I=m going to be a 9ather3 ?h: TarE4 Be 8issed my 9orehead. I was so scared to see how he wo27d react. !ervo2s visions o9 him being angry and 97eeing the emergency room were instant7y rep7aced by ca7m and >oy. I was so re7ieved that he seemed o8ay with the news. ?2r 7i9e had >2st made a mon2menta7 t2rn in a new direction. 0octor /i77sten spo8e to another doctor on the other side o9 the c2rtain. I co27d on7y ma8e o2t severa7 words: some o9 which were .contin2e to monitor4 and .possib7e p7acenta7 abr2ption.4 /hen he ret2rned to spea8 to me: his 9ace was stoic. .-s. -itche77: we have a private room ready 9or yo2 now. /e=re going to move yo2 to the neo*nata7 wing. /e=ve noticed some abnorma7ities on the 27traso2nd. /e=re going to contin2e to monitor yo2 overnight >2st to 8eep an eye on things. The impact 9rom the accident was centered on yo2r abdomen and we=re concerned abo2t yo2r we77 being. I9 a77 goes we77: yo2 sho27d be ab7e to go home in a day or so.4 I was whee7ed into a room with two beds b2t they ass2red me that I wo27d have the room to myse79: considering o2r stat2s. Random n2rses 8ept passing by my door: a77 gaw8ing in my room to get a 7oo8 at Ryan. Ryan p277ed the g2est chair over to the side o9 my bed and too8 my hand in his. .Boney: what happened34 I swa77owed hard: trying to remember the detai7s o9 the 7ast 9ew ho2rs. .I was 7eaving 9or the airportC I came down the a77ey. I2st as I was ready to cross -27berry: I saw )nge7ica sitting in her car.4 ./hat3 )re yo2 te77ing me she=s o2t o9 >ai734 Bis voice be77owed his anger. .1eah. She was sitting in her @7ymo2th. I was terri9ied.4 -y 7ips tremb7ed. I 9e7t 7i8e crying. .She was on the other side o9 -27berry where she a7ways par8s. I2st when I got to the edge o9 the a77ey she p277ed 2p to the stop sign. I tho2ght she was going to r2n me down.4 I scratched my 9at 7ip. .I ran across the street. I was so st2pid. I was watching her instead o9 7oo8ing where I was going.4 Ryan so9t7y 8issed my chee8. .I 7ove yo2 so m2ch.4 .I probab7y 7oo8 horrib7e.4 I wanted him to stop staring at me 9or a min2te. I

attempted to p7ace my new b72e cast over my eyes. .?w:4 I cried o2t. @ain immediate7y shot into my sho27der when I moved my arm: 9orcing me to remember additiona7 parts o9 the accident. .1o2 were hit by a carE I don=t care how yo2 7oo8. I=m >2st g7ad yo2=re a7ive.4 I tried to smi7e. .0o I 7oo8 7i8e yo2 did when yo2 9o2ght those bad g2ys34 I he7d the ice pac8 c7oser to my 7ip. Be smi7ed and nodded. .1eahE I2st a 7itt7eE 2t yo2r ma8e2p 7oo8s rea7.4 Be trai7ed his 9inger over my chee8. ?9 co2rse we weren=t a7one 9or 7ong. Two yo2ng n2rses came into my room: smi7ing 9rantica77y at the sight o9 Ryan. .Bi thereE -y name is Jerry:4 a s7ender br2nette wearing bright p2rp7e scr2bs anno2nced. .This is !ata7ie. /e=77 be ta8ing care o9 yo2 tonight.4 !ata7ie was b2sy writing their names and the date on the dry erase board on my wa77. /hi7e they tended to me: Ryan was o99 in the corner: ma8ing phone ca77s. Be ca77ed his parents and spo8e to his 9ather. Bis parents were going to ta8e the 9irst avai7ab7e 97ight o2t. I heard two men spea8ing brie97y o2tside my door. Then a man in a s2it 8noc8ed on my door and a77owed himse79 entry. .-s. -itche77: I=m /a7ter Jra2se: Bospita7 )dministrator. Bow are yo2 9ee7ing34 I was hit by a ar% )ow do you thin" Im feeling# This was >2st 7i8e the st2pid <2estions that Ryan got as8ed every time he had to do an interview. .I=ve been better:4 I m2ttered: 7oo8ing at the IF that they inconvenient7y st2c8 in the top o9 my hand. .1es: we77: I want to 7et yo2 8now that we wi77 do o2r best to provide yo2 with privacy whi7e yo2 are a patient here: b2t I hope yo2 2nderstand that we cannot g2arantee po7icing a77 the corridors.4 There was nothing in p7ace to prevent any stranger 9rom wa78ing into the hospita7 and into my room. -y eyes 97ic8ered bac8 to Ryan as he ended his ca77 <2ic87y. .-r. Jra2se: Ryan Christensen.4 Ryan he7d o2t his hand. .I have hired private sec2rity 9or Taryn. 1o2=77 in9orm me direct7y o9 any considerations or di99ic27ties d2ring her

stay. I do not want yo2 or any other member o9 yo2r sta99 to concern her with those detai7s. She needs to rest and hea7.4 .?9 co2rse: -r. Christensen. That=s why I=m here. @erhaps we can spea8 private7y in my o99ice.4 .I tr2st yo2r sta99 wi77 comp7y with the medica7 privacy act34 Ryan stressed. .1es: o9 co2rse. Bowever we are on7y governed to 8eeping her medica7 condition and records private. I wi77 instr2ct the sta99 on proper cond2ct:4 -r. Jra2se said. .I=77 be contacting my @2b7icist to re7ease a 9orma7 statement to the media. !o other statements are to be made by any member o9 this hospita7 witho2t cons27ting with me 9irst. Is that c7ear34 Ryan=s a2thoritative tone made me grin. .1es. I 2nderstand. /o27d yo2 7i8e to ta8e a 9ew moments to come to my o99ice34 .Than8 yo2 b2t no: not at this time. -i8e34 Ryan ca77ed o2t. -i8e: Ryan=s bodyg2ard: came into my room. .-r. Jra2se: was it3 This is my sec2rity manager: -i8e -2rphy. Be wi77 be hand7ing a77 sec2rity matters.4 The two men shoo8 hands. .I don=t want any reporters or photographers on this 97oor. There wi77 be a sec2rity team posted o2tside her door at a77 times. /e can have a disc2ssion 7ater or yo2 can spea8 to -r. -2rphy direct7y 9or any sec2rity matters. Right now my priority is her.4 Ryan r2bbed his hand across my head. .Fery we77. /e can ta78 7ater. I9 there=s anything e7se yo2 need: p7ease don=t hesitate to as8.4 -r. Jra2se seemed a bit pert2rbed with the way Ryan >2st hand7ed him. I didn=t care. I 7oved Ryan=s .no b277shit4 ta8e charge attit2de. It was one o9 the <2a7ities that I 7oved the most abo2t him. Ryan bare7y nodded at -r. Jra2se. Be was stro8ing my hair: tota77y 9oc2sed on me. The n2rses were sti77 waiting inside my room * 9or what: I didn=t 8now. ./e=re >2st going to chec8 the 9eta7 heartbeat again:4 one o9 the n2rses in9ormed. She ro77ed 2p my hospita7 gown and pressed the microphone thing into my br2ised stomach. Soon we were ab7e to hear the whoosh*whoosh noise o9 o2r baby=s heartbeat again. Ryan smi7ed g7orio2s7y and 8issed my 9orehead tender7y. .That=s o2r baby in thereE4 he whispered his happiness private7y in my ear. .I 7ove

yo2 so m2ch.4 I was e7ated that he was 9ine with me being pregnantC he was act2a77y beyond 9ine with it. I was ab7e to re7a; and not worryC it made a77 the pain seem worthwhi7e. I smi7ed bac8 at him with p2re >oy and 7ove in my heart. Be was going to be a 9atherC I was going to be a mother. Bis b72e*eyed baby was growing inside me. I 9e7t the n2rse wigg7e the microphone when the whooshing noise ceasedC my attention immediate7y t2rned to her. The two n2rses were 7oo8ing at each otherC neither o9 them 7oo8ed happy. ?ne o9 the n2rses <2ic87y darted o2t o9 the room. -y smi7e 9aded and a sharp pain stabbed me in the be77yb2tton. I 9e7t wetness g2sh between my 7egs. @ain roc8eted into my chest 9rom my br2ised ribs when I tried to sit 2p. I panted in and o2t hoping that sha77ow breaths wo27d he7p me manage the pain. .Something=s wrong. I 9ee7 7i8e something >2st popped:4 I breathed o2t at the n2rse. I wanted to 8now what was wet between my 7egs. I tried to grab the top o9 the bed sheet so I co27d get my hand 2nderneath it: b2t the st2pid IF stic8ing o2t o9 my hand ca2ght the bedrai7. I 9e7t the t2be that was st2c8 in my vein po8e me. .?wE4 I s<2eeDed my eyes 9rom the discom9ort. I2st then another sharp pain stabbed me againC this one so intense that it ca2sed me to cry o2t in agony. The n2rse p277ed the bed sheet down past my 9eet: a77owing me a sp7it second to 9ee7 between my 7egs with my hand. Crimson red b7ood was a77 over my 9ingertips. The other n2rse whee7ed the 7arge 27traso2nd machine bac8 into my room. 0octor /i77sten came r2nning. I was hoo8ed 2p to a b7ood press2re machine in no time. )s soon as the doctor saw the amo2nt o9 b7ood: he <2iet7y instr2cted the n2rse to ca77 9or an ?.R. s2ite. I was wise eno2gh to 8now that meant s2rgery. The doctor was per9orming the 27traso2nd o9 my stomach whi7e the one n2rse monitored my b7ood press2re. Ryan stayed at the head o9 my bedC he was 9roDen in p7ace. /e were a77 7istening intent7y to the whoosh*whoosh so2nd o9 o2r baby=s heartbeat. Arad2a77y it s7owed in tempo 2nti7 it >2st abr2pt7y stopped. There was nothing b2t si7ence. I 9e7t 9aint. In an instant: 9o2r peop7e were in my room: 7i9ting me 2p by the bed sheet to re7ocate me on a g2rney. I was whee7ed o2t o9 my room in a h2rry. ./here are yo2 ta8ing her34 Ryan cried o2t. I reached my hand o2t to him b2t a n2rse was b7oc8ing Ryan 9rom 9o77owing me. The

n2rse stayed with Ryan when they whee7ed me o2t o9 my room. !e;t thing I remember I was being ro77ed into a room with bright 7ights. @eop7e were h2st7ing a77 aro2nd me. I was so con92sed and now comp7ete7y sedated that I co27dn=t even spea8 i9 I wanted to. ) n2rse too8 each o9 my wea8 7egs and propped them 2p in stirr2ps. ) p7astic mas8 was p7aced over my mo2th and nose. In an instant: everything was b7ac8 again. -y eyes 97ic8ered when I started to wa8e 2p. It was hard to 8eep my eyes open 9or any great 7ength o9 time. Some sort o9 machine was beeping rhythmica77y in the bac8gro2nd: 7277ing me bac8 to s7eep. I 9e7t the coo7 r2sh o9 air streaming into my nose. I must have that air hose prong thing stu " in my nose again% .Taryn. Bow yo2 doing h2n34 Some 7ady spo8e 7o2d7y at me. .Can yo2 wa8e 2p 9or me34 I 7oo8ed at her with one eye. Who the hell are you and why are you shouting in my ear# .Bey thereE Time to wa8e 2pE /e=re going to ta8e yo2 bac8 to yo2r room now. 1o2=re going to be >2st 9ine.4 She smi7ed at me. I was sti77 groggy when they bro2ght me bac8 to my room. I saw -i8e and another man perched on chairs o2tside my door. They stood 2p when the n2rses stopped my g2rney. I co27d see Ryan sitting in a chair in my roomC his 9ace was in his hands 2nti7 he heard the commotion in the ha77way. /hen I saw him 2p c7ose: I noticed his eyes were red and p299y. I co27d te77 he=d been crying. Sitting across the room 9rom him was the hospita7 chap7ain. The doctor e;p7ained that the impact ca2sed my p7acenta to separate 9rom my 2ter2s and that the baby didn=t ma8e it. The doctor had to remove it a77 9rom my body: b2t he ass2red 2s that I=d sti77 be ab7e to have chi7dren. The chap7ain tried to give 2s words o9 com9ort: 2sing so9t tones and enco2raging 2s to be7ieve in Aod=s wi77. Be said a prayer 9or the innocent 7i9e that 7e9t 2s today. )7tho2gh I appreciated his e99orts: I than8ed him and as8ed him po7ite7y to give Ryan and me some privacy. Ryan set his 9ace on my chest and gent7y wrapped my br2ised body in a h2gC I draped my good arm 2p aro2nd him. I 9e7t his tears as they soa8ed into my gown. /e both sobbed 2ncontro77ab7y: brea8ing down 9rom the agony o9 o2r 7oss.

.There yo2 goE4 -arie gent7y smi7ed at me as she 9inished wrapping a 7ong scar9 aro2nd my nec8 and 9ace. .!o one wi77 see yo2r p299y 7ip now.4 .)re there a 7ot o2t there34 I motioned with my chin towards the window. .) 9ew:4 Ryan m2ttered: he7ping me with my coat. .0on=t worry abo2t them. They won=t see yo2 7eave. )re yo2 s2re abo2t this3 I mean I=77 charter a private p7aneH4 .!o: Ryan. @7ease3 I want to go home. I >2st want to get o2t o9 this hospita7 and s7eep in my own bed.4 . 2t -ar7a said thatH4 Ryan contin2ed. .I don=t care what yo2r @2b7icist said:4 I raised my voice s7ight7y. .I=m sorry: b2t I=m not going to hide somewhere. -aybe it wo27d have been better i9 that damn car wo27d have 8i77ed me: or better yet: )nge7ica r2nning me over. That wo27d be a better story 9or the media.4 Ryan scow7ed at me. .0on=t be so me7odramatic.4 .-arie: p7ease te77 the n2rse I=m ready to 7eave and get me o2t o9 hereH p7ease34 I p7eaded. I was ro77ed via whee7chair to the 7oading doc8s where 9ood and s2pp7ies get de7ivered to the hospita7: a77 9or the sa8e o9 avoiding the reporters and photographers who were hovering aro2nd the main entrance to the hospita7. I was so g7ad to s7ide onto the 7eather bac8 seat o9 the sedan and 9ina77y be on my way homeC it made end2ring the pain o9 getting my br2ised body in the car worth it. ) crowd o9 reporters: photographers: and on7oo8ers b7oc8ed the a77eyway behind my p2b. ?2r driver had to hon8 his horn to get peop7e to move o2t o9 the way. -y b7ood was starting to boi7 with anger and 9r2stration. )77 o9 this attention 9or what * to ta8e more photographs o9 Ryan cheating on his re8ind7ed 7ove: La2ren: with .the nobody4 9rom Rhode Is7and3 )nd to top o99 my g7orio2s day: there was Jy7e: standing d2ti9277y by my door with other sec2rity men to ho7d bac8 the throng o9 photographers. Be too8 his s2ng7asses o99 and shoved them into his poc8et when my car came to a stop. ?2r sta78er: )nge7ica: was sti77 on the 7oose and yet there Jy7e stood 6 wi77ing to ris8

his own 7i9e to save mine. Bis 9ace was pained and I co27d te77 >2st by the way he 7oo8ed at me and he7d his arms o2t to his sides that he was te77ing me .I to7d yo2 so.4 See this# All of this s rutiny' all of this in omprehensible, unwanted attention# More pi tures to post with their web of lies# )avent you had enough yet, Taryn# Jy7e=s e;pression <2ic87y changed when he g7anced at Ryan. Bis contempt 9or Ryan was obvio2s and the eye daggers that 97ew between the two men were m2t2a7. I didn=t 8now who hated whom more: b2t their hatred 9or each other was pa7pab7e. .Come on Boney: I got yo2.4 Ryan he7d my hand and e7bow: he7ping me o2t o9 the car. It was di99ic27t to stand 2p. -y 8nee was very br2ised and sti99 and the pain 9rom my ribs shot down into my hips. .?wE4 I winced. .I won=t 7et go:4 Ryan m2ttered. Be he7ped me ta8e a step. .0o yo2 want me to carry yo234 he whispered. .!o:4 I groaned and sh2997ed a 9ew steps. I didn=t want the photographers to capt2re that he had to carry me and give them more reason to create new 7ies. Jy7e p2shed past -i8e and got right into Ryan=s 9ace. .)re yo2 happy: Christensen3 !ow that one o9 yo2r 9ans a7most 8i77ed her34 -i8e <2ic87y t2rned and intervened: b7oc8ing Jy7e in the chest with his hands. .Bey: bac8 o99E Coo7 it: Jy7eE4 ./hen is eno2gh enough Taryn34 Jy7e cried o2t. -i8e and another g2ard sc2997ed with Jy7e: p277ing him bac8. Ryan t2rned to dea7 with Jy7eC the anger on Ryan=s 9ace was evident. .Ryan34 I breathed o2t 9rom the pain: diverting his attention bac8 to me. .Boney: >2st get me inside: p7ease. @7ease34 I wanted Ryan to stay 9oc2sed and ignore Jy7e=s acc2sations. Baving Ryan miserab7e and brooding wo27d be no he7p to anyone: especia77y me. I c72tched Ryan=s arm with my hand and 7eaned into his chest as he care9277y 7ed me to the door. Ryan was on7y ab7e to stay with me 9o2r more ho2rs be9ore he had to catch a 97ight and ret2rn to the set in 57orida. Be co27dn=t ho7d 2p prod2ction any 7ongerC this 9i7m was a m27ti*mi77ion do77ar investment >2st to shoot. Be had a7ready been away 9or three days.

It 9e7t 7i8e another who7e section o9 my heart was torn away when he 7e9t. It didn=t matter that he ca77ed me every 9ew ho2rs. Ryan=s mom insisted on ta8ing care o9 me 9or a 9ew days and -arie was in and o2t o9 the apartment twenty times a day as we77. I was wondering when they both wo27d get sic8 o9 watching me cry. -y doctor 9ina77y prescribed antidepressants to he7p me cope. (veryone in o2r inner circ7e 8new that I had 7ost a baby. It on7y too8 three days a9ter my discharge 9rom the hospita7 9or the rest o9 the wor7d to be in9ormed o9 the same. The media had a 9ie7d day when the news bro8e. Spec27ation o9 my pregnancy stemmed 9rom the 9act that my room was in the neo*nata7 wing o9 the hospita7: b2t then was con9irmed by some hospita7 in9ormants who wished to remain anonymo2s. Those in9ormants convenient7y inc72ded the 9act that I had 7ost the baby I was carryingHRyan Christensen=s i77egitimate chi7d. Ryan=s @2b7icist re7eased a statement that stated I was hit by a car whi7e crossing the street and that no one was at 9a27t 9or the accident. (very branch o9 the media a7so ended that same story with a b72rb that his reps neither con9irm nor deny the pregnancy r2mors. -ar7a even made a specia7 phone ca77 to remind me to 8eep my mo2th sh2t. /e77: she didn=t e;act7y say those words b2t that was the message she de7ivered. I was tempted to te77 her where she co27d shove her .p2b7ic image management.4 -y emp7oyees were a7so given gag orders and were reminded not to spea8 p2b7ic7y to anyone abo2t anything. It was soon a9ter that when Ryan and I had o2r 9irst ma>or 9ight over the phone: and his mom was sitting in the same room with me when it happened. ./hat the he77 did yo2 say to -ar7a34 Ryan bar8ed in my ear. .She in9ormed me that she wi77 no 7onger be spea8ing direct7y to yo2.4 .-ar7a can go to Be77:4 I rep7ied. .She=s worth7ess in my boo8.4 .TarynE She=s my @2b7icistE I=ve had her 9or years now.4 I h299ed. .RyanE She=s so damn worried that I might spea8 to anyone abo2t my accident b2t yet she 8eeps a77owing a77 those r2mors abo2t yo2 having an a99air with La2ren going3 ?h: and what abo2t the reports o9 yo2 ca77ing S2Danne to cry on her sho27der3 I don=t see her doing anything to s<2e7ch those 7ies either so I 7et her 8now how I 9e7t.4 ./hat is she s2pposed to do34 he raised his voice to me again.

.She sho27d do her damn >obE She=s s2pposed to protect yo2r rep2tation: right3 )nd now she a7so represents me34 .1o2 don=t 8now what yo2=re ta78ing abo2t. She can=t stop what=s printed:4 he snapped bac8. .Li8e he77 she can=tE It too8 her no time at a77 to p2t o2t a p2b7ic statement pretty m2ch shading over the 9act that I=m an imbeci7e who crossed a street witho2t 7oo8ing both ways: b2t she doesn=t have anything to say abo2t yo2r s2pposed a99airs3 Bow abo2t a big 9rea8ing p2b7ic statement that says Ryan Christensen is not s7eeping with La2ren 0e7aney or S2Danne Strass34 .She won=t do that:4 he said 97at7y. .)nd don=t yo2 dare as8 her to do that either.4 ./hy34 The tears 9rom his betraya7 came to my eyes. . eca2se controversy is what=s going to se77 tic8ets.4 I sco99ed. .I can=t be7ieve thisE -y 7i9e: my rep2tation: they are a77 2p 9or grabs: b2t Beaven 9orbid that we mess with tic8et sa7esE4 .Taryn: >2st stop.4 .!oE Screw that. I=m sitting here 6 banged 2p 6 bro8en 6 o2r 9irst chi7d is gone and I have to swa77ow it a77 beca2se o9 tic8et sa7es. 1o2 8now what Ryan3 52c8 yo2E4 I snapped my phone sh2t. Bis mother=s mo2th dropped open b2t I didn=t care anymore. Be >2st in9ormed me where I rated on his priority 7ist. Two min2tes 7ater he ca77ed bac8. I h2ng 2p on him and then t2rned my ce77 phone o99. The tears were po2ring o2t o9 my eyes. The pain in my stomach 9rom my ribs being br2ised was no 7onger sti97ed by @ercocet. I p277ed a pi77ow over top o9 my ice pac8 and wept 2ncontro77ab7y. .Taryn: Boney.4 Bis mother tried to conso7e me. .0on=t get yo2rse79 so 2pset.4 Ber ce77 phone rang. .I=m not ta78ing to him right nowE4 I sp2ttered thro2gh my tears. .Ryan: yo2 sho27dn=t get Taryn 2pset 7i8e thisE She needs to hea7E4 She moved her conversation to my 8itchen: b2t I co27d sti77 hear her. .Son: she 7ost a babyE 1o2 need to be more 2nderstanding. She=s in the 7iving room crying her eyes o2t. She doesn=t need this stress right now. I 8now Boney 6 yo2 don=t

either.4 (77en came bac8 into the 7iving room and he7d o2t her phone. .Be wants to ta78 to yo2.4 .Te77 him to as8 -ar7a what I sho27d say.4 I wiped my eyes with my shirts7eeve. .TarynE4 She 2sed that stern mother tone with me. That was a77 I co27d ta8e. I grabbed the end o9 the co2ch with my 2nbro8en arm and s7id my body to the edge so I co27d stand 2p. .?w:4 I cried o2t: h2nching 9rom the pain that roc8eted thro2gh my body. .I2st stay sitting:4 she reprimanded me. .!o: I need to stand 2p:4 I grit thro2gh my teeth. She tried to brace me b2t there wasn=t a spot on my body that wasn=t br2ised or b2sted. I managed to get my 7egs 2nderneath me and I s7ow7y straightened 2p. (77en he7d o2t her phone with Ryan sti77 ho7ding. I too8 it 9rom her hand. .1o2 8now: when I was 7ying in the street: I was so re7ieved when the paramedics strapped me to that board and 9ina77y p2t me in the amb27ance. It meant that I was no 7onger on disp7ay 9or the paparaDDi to ta8e my pict2re over and over again whi7e I 7ay there b7eeding. Then when the paramedic c2t every piece o9 c7othing o99 my body and I 9e7t 7i8e I was being raped: I tho2ght that that was the worst moment o9 my 7i9e. .Then when the doctor to7d 2s that o2r chi7d died inside me: I tho2ght that was the worst moment o9 my 7i9e. 2t to hear that my 7i9e has to contin2e in a circ7e o9 7ies and pain so that peop7e go to see yo2r movies: it >2st ma8es it a77 worthwhi7e. Than8 yo2 9or that.4 I snapped her phone sh2t and handed it bac8 to her. I 7oc8ed my bedroom door behind me. ) 9ew ho2rs 7ater (77en gent7y 8noc8ed on my door. .Taryn: Boney3 )re yo2 h2ngry34 .!o than8 yo2.4 I had gone thro2gh an entire bo; o9 tiss2es 9rom crying. I 8new she had ta78ed to Ryan abo2t 9ive times. Ber phone rang every twenty min2tes. .Come on sweetheart: yo2 have to eat something. 1o2 haven=t eaten a77 day.4 I didn=t careC I wasn=t h2ngry so I ignored her. Ten min2tes 7ater there was another 8noc8 on my door. This 8noc8 was 7o2der. .Taryn: it=s -arie. ?pen 2p.4 I had to give Ryan=s mom creditC she was reso2rce927. .I=m o8ay: -arie. I2st 7eave me a7one.4 I didn=t want to ta78 to anyone. I wanted to

wa77ow in my own misery. .Bey @ete: it=s -arie. I need yo2 to come over to Taryn=s and ta8e her bedroom door down. She 7oc8ed herse79 in. I2st bring a dri77 and saw so we can c2t the door8nob o99. /hat3 I sho27d >2st 8ic8 it in with my 9oot34 -arie smi7ed at me when I opened the door. She on7y pretended to ca77 @ete. .That=s what=s going to happen i9 yo2 ever 7oc8 yo2rse79 in here again:4 she in9ormed. I heard (77en ta78ing on her phone: obvio2s7y to Ryan. She sc2rried 9or the 7iving room when I came o2t o9 my room. She was giving Ryan a p7ay*by*p7ay acco2nt o9 my actions. Be ca77ed his mom severa7 times that night: b2t I re92sed to ta78 to him each time. I was so h2rt that no apo7ogy co27d 9i; it. The ne;t a9ternoon: 97owers showed 2p. Three doDen 7ong stemmed red roses accompanied by an .I 7ove yo2 * I=m so sorry4 note. I 7e9t them in the bo; to rot. Li8e roses wo27d ma8e everything better somehow 6 perhaps give me a rosy o2t7oo83 1eah rightE So m2ch 9or a happy Fa7entine=s 0ay. I9 his mother weren=t here: they wo27d have gone in the trash: b2t (77en 9o2nd my crysta7 vase and spent a 9ew min2tes 92ssing with them. .1o2 8now this is to2gh on him too:4 she 2ttered: setting the rose arrangement on my dining tab7e. .Be is s299ering a7ong with yo2.4 I 8new she wanted me to see his side thro2gh my se79*centered 9oc2s: b2t I was sti77 so angry with him that I was on7y worried abo2t protecting myse79 now. Be obvio2s7y didn=t care eno2gh to protect my rep2tation so I was on my own. (77en sprayed po7ish on a rag and started d2sting my 92rnit2re. Something made her smi7e. .0o yo2 remember that time when Ryan ca77ed his 9ather 9rom here and to7d him that yo2 too8 him 9ishing34 She t2rned to 7oo8 at me. .1es:4 I answered her: reca77ing that evening <2ite c7ear7y. .Be ca77ed me 7ater that night when he got bac8 to his hote7.4 She smi7ed. .Be was so e7atedE Be said: G-om: I 9o2nd the woman I=m going to marryE= ?9 co2rse I was thri77ed 9or him: b2t as his mother I was a7so concerned. I mean he had on7y 8nown yo2 9or a 9ew wee8s: b2t he was so s2re right 9rom the very start. Taryn: yo2 8now he 7oves yo2 more than anything in this wor7d: don=t yo234 Ber g2i7t trip was wor8ing. I tried to ho7d 9irm to my reasons 9or 9ee7ing betrayed so

my position in this 9ight wo27d be va7idated: b2t her one*sided conversation was pec8ing at my reso7ve. I started to 9ee7 7i8e crap 9or being mad at him. .Be said 7ast night that he 9ee7s comp7ete7y responsib7e 9or the accident. )9ter a77: it was one o9 his demented 9ans that terroriDed yo2: and yo2 were on yo2r way to see him when he co27dn=t be here.4 .It=s not his 9a27t:4 I m2ttered. .Be sho27dn=t thin8 that.4 . 2t he does:4 she ass2red me. .Be cried so hard 7ast night when I ta78ed to him.4 Ber voice tremb7ed with pain and remorse. .BeH he said he 8i77ed his baby.4 Ber hand covered her <2ivering 7ips when she spo8e the words: sti97ing her 2rge to cry o2t 7o2d. (77en <2ic87y dropped the d2st rag and shie7ded her 9ace in her hands when her tears bro8e. Tears o9 my own crac8ed again and I watched her h2rry away to the bathroom thro2gh my b72rry eyes. Be didn=t 8i77 o2r baby 6 I did. I was the heino2s monster. .Taryn: I=m so sorry:4 Ryan breathed in the phone when he answered my ca77. I co27dn=t stop crying. I never 8new I had so many tears to shed in one 7i9etime.

Chapter 32 Do4n4ar Spira"s

I t2rned my 7aptop o99 when I had eno2gh. !ew pict2res were posted on the Internet o9 Ryan coming o2t o9 the bac8 door o9 some e;c72sive c72b in -iami. Bis eyes were g7aDed over and he 7oo8ed wasted: which angered me. Seeing gorgeo2s La2ren 0e7aney smi7ing in the same pict2re: >2st two steps behind Ryan: scorched my heart. Fiewing the photos o9 Ryan g2iding La2ren into the same car so they co27d head bac8 to their hote7 >2st abo2t sent me over the edge. Be=d been partying a 7ot 7ate7y since my accident. Late night cast dinners: r2mors o9 the e;cessive drin8ing binges: private o2tings with La2ren: and his denia7s o9 it a77 over the te7ephone were pi7ing 2p on me. @hotos 9rom the set were 7ea8ed and posted a77 over the Internet as we77. C7ear shots o9 Ryan p7aying with La2ren=s rings on her 9ingers: sitting so c7ose that yo2 co27dn=t s7ide a sheet o9 paper between them made me crac8 into tears. It was hard to discern what interaction between them was 9or the 9i7m and what wasH not. )nd then there was the 8issing... The pict2res o9 his 7ips on hers over and over again s2rro2nded by words 7i8e .Re8ind7ed Love4 and .Ryan d2mps Taryn -itche77 9or o7d 97ame4 made me deranged. Ryan had in9ormed me on severa7 occasions that La2ren had a boy9riend: b2t every piece o9 photographic evidence pointed to that being comp7ete b277. I wanted so bad7y to be7ieve him. Some days I didC some days my 9aith wavered. It didn=t he7p that a77 the tab7oid websites stated that her re7ationship with L2cas an8s was over. This absence 9rom being in his presence drove the wedge deeper and deeper. I2st 8nowing that he was spending so m2ch intimate time with the 7ast woman he had a re7ationship with be9ore me was terri9ying. (very day he to7d me he 7oved me. (very day that we were apart seemed to 7ast an eternity. I had as8ed my doctor 9or a prescription re9i77: 2sing the e;c2se that I was sti77 in pain. (ven tho2gh my body was hea7ing: my mind was in pain. I was a7so starting to 7i8e the way

the combination o9 antidepressants and narcotics made me 9ee7 n2mb. Ryan was dea7ing with his own pain: drowning his misery in a7coho7. I 9eared that he wo27d s7ip and see8 com9ort in another woman=s arms 6 someone who wasn=t the so2rce o9 his woes. (77en 9ina77y 97ew bac8 to @ittsb2rgh. She had stayed with me 9or over two wee8s: b2t she had to get bac8 home and bac8 to r2nning i77=s denta7 o99ice. I was 9ending 9or myse79 9air7y we77 so there wasn=t any need 9or her to stay. )s m2ch as I 7oved her: she was starting to get on my nerves. )s soon as she c7eared o2t: Tammy moved into the g2estroom. There were <2ite a 9ew moments when I had the overwhe7ming 2rge to get on a p7ane and 97y down to 57orida to see >2st what the he77 was going on down there: b2t I co27dn=t. -y ribs were sti77 br2ised: my arm was in a cast: and I didn=t have medica7 c7earance to 97y. The 7arge b7ac8 and b72e mar8s on my 9ace were hea7ing: diminished to a most 2np7easant ye77ow tinge to my s8in. -y body and 9ace had been covered <2ite e;tensive7y in road rash. -any spots were scraped and br2isedH even my sca7p. Those too: were hea7ing. )nd then there was the ac2te agoraphobia to dea7 with. )nge7ica was sti77 on the 7oose: paparaDDi sti77 72r8ed aro2nd the corners: and I 7oo8ed 7i8e shit 9rom getting hit by a car. It certain7y made hiding inside my apartment the most appea7ing o9 a77 options. Thro2gh a77 o9 this: there was sti77 one story that h2rt more than any o9 them 6 and it was the biggest 7ie o9 them a77. )rtic7es were written and circ27ated a77 aro2nd the g7obe that said I tried to trap Ryan Christensen by getting pregnant. -y s2pposed 9ai7ed attempt at trapping him was reported as the reason why he went r2nning bac8 to La2ren=s arms. It was so 9ar 9rom the act2a7 tr2th: yet peop7e were even ta78ing abo2t it on te7evision. I was a go7d*digging: sma77 town piece o9 trash who tried to 2se a s2perstar to get somewhere in 7i9e. )nd here I tho2ght I had it bad when Thomas d2mped me. That was a bee sting in comparison to having the moon 9a77 o2t o9 the s8y and 7and convenient7y on my head. -arie and Cory were r2nning the bar 9277 time whi7e I rec2peratedC I spent the ma>ority o9 each day on the co2ch in a haDe. .Taryn34 -arie ca77ed o2t as she came thro2gh my door. She and Tammy both had

their own 8eys to my apartment now. .Jy7e is downstairs. Be says he has something he wants to give yo2.4 Ber e;pression was worried. I tho2ght I had seen the 7ast o9 Jy7e when I to7d him goodbye: b2t he sti77 contin2ed to dri9t in and o2t o9 my 7i9e. I was very apprehensive abo2t seeing him againC part o9 me 9eared him. Tammy 7ed the way down the steps to ma8e s2re I wo27dn=t 9a77. Jy7e was sitting at a booth by himse79C a brown bag was on the seat ne;t to his hip. -y two best 9riends stood behind the bar: watching his every move. .Bi:4 he said c2rt7y. .Loo8: I 8now yo2 probab7y don=t want to see me: b2t I got some things 9or yo2 * it wo27d ma8e me 9ee7 a 7ot better i9 I 8new yo2 were sa9e.4 I nervo2s7y sat down and rested my cast on the tab7etop. .I got yo2 some st299.4 Be opened the bag. .Things yo2 can 8eep in yo2r p2rse or wherever: >2st in case.4 The 9irst thing Jy7e too8 o2t o9 the bag was an ordinary can o9 wasp spray. .This is better than mace and it sprays 9arther too. Spray this in an attac8er=s 9ace and they=re instant7y incapacitated. I on7y got yo2 one can b2t yo2 sho27d probab7y b2y a 9ew more.4 I watched as he d2g into the bag again. Jy7e bare7y made eye contact with me. .This is a strobe 7ight a7arm with maceC it disorients and b7inds an attac8er:4 he m2ttered. .This is ca77ed a GScreecher= 6 it=s rea77y 7o2d. 1o2 can p2t it on yo2r 8eychain or 8eep it in yo2r car.4 I was 7oo8ing at one o9 the pac8ages: wondering why I wo27d ever need to 2se any o9 these things. I never needed them be9oreC Ryan=s 9ans had been 8eeping their distance. .I2st remember that yo2 can=t ta8e any o9 this st299 on an airp7ane i9 yo2 are going to 97y anywhere. I was going to get yo2 a taser too: b2t they are i77ega7 in Rhode Is7and. 0o yo2 8now any se79*de9ense34 he ramb7ed. .!ot rea77y:4 I admitted. Jy7e didn=t smi7e. .1o2 sho27d probab7y thin8 abo2t ta8ing some c7asses when yo2=re hea7ed. I co27d show yo2 some moves: b2tH4 Jy7e p2t a77 the items bac8 in the bag and sighed heavi7y. .Bave yo2 seen )nge7ica in the area34 he as8ed: <2iet7y changing the s2b>ect.

.!o.4 I shoo8 my head. .I haven=t been o2t o9 the ho2se m2ch. The two times I went o2t was to go to the doctor. Iamaa7 escorted me.4 Jy7e nodded. .Aood. -r. Iones is an e;ce77ent bodyg2ard and a good man.4 Jy7e 7oo8ed nervo2s and depressed when he ta78ed to me. .I=ve been trying to trac8 )nge7ica down b2t she hasn=t s2r9aced anywhere yet. I have a 9ew peop7e watching to see i9 she pops 2p on the map again. I2st don=t worry. I=77 9ind her soon eno2gh.4 Jy7e grabbed his 8eys 9rom his poc8et and started to s7ide o2t o9 the booth. .?8ay: we77H that=s a77. Ta8e care o9 yo2rse79.4 Be started to wa78 o99 b2t I stopped him. .Jy7e34 I ca77ed o2t: secret7y wishing he=d stay >2st a bit 7onger. Be stopped abr2pt7y in his trac8s: b2t bare7y g7anced bac8 at me over his sho27der. ./o27d yo2 7i8e to stay 9or a drin834 I as8ed apprehensive7y. Bis eyes were so sad and it pained me to 8now that I was the ca2se o9 his me7ancho7y. )s i9 I needed one more reason to be sad myse79. I grabbed the bott7e o9 te<2i7a. .)77 yo2 have to do is stamp on their 9oot rea7 hard:4 Jy7e ch2c87ed: te77ing me abo2t some se79*de9ense mane2vers. .So: in other words: hitting them over the head with this bott7e wo27dn=t wor834 I gigg7ed. I was 9ee7ing <2ite tipsy 9rom the beer: shots: and pain medicine. .1o2 co27d a7ways 2se yo2r big: b72e c72b here:4 he teased: tapping his 9ingers on my arm cast. .Swing it hard eno2gh and yo2 co27d probab7y 8noc8 some teeth o2t with that thingE4 I smir8ed at his >o8e. .I=m not a9raid. I9 someone wants to try and h2rt me: I=m going to p2t 2p one he77 o9 a 9ight. The ma>ority o9 his 9ans are harm7ess: a7tho2gh I=m s2re I=77 have to dea7 with a 7ot more o9 them hating me over the ne;t 9orty years. ?h we77: whatever.4 Jy7e became aw9277y <2iet. .Bey: I remember what I wanted to as8 yo2E4 I b72rted o2t. ./here is that corner de7i where yo2 got that chic8en so2p34 .0id yo2 7i8e it34 Jy7e as8ed: grinning at me. .?h yeahE It was de7icio2sE 1o2=77 have to give me directions to that p7ace.4

Be started to te77 me what roads to ta8e b2t a9ter the 9i9th t2rn I 7ost him. I was <2ite b2DDed a9ter that 7ast shot. .Can=t yo2 write it down 9or me3 I=77 never remember:4 I whined. .1o2 have a pen34 he as8ed. I ret2rned with paper and a pen and two more bott7es o9 beer. Jy7e started writing directions. .1o2=re a 7e9ty: h2h34 I teased: noticing he wrote with his 7e9t hand. Jy7e smi7ed at the paper. .0id yo2 8now that I can write with my 7e9t hand34 I ta2nted. I p277ed on the edge o9 the paper to mess with him whi7e he was writing. .1ep: I=m ambide;tro2s. /hat do yo2 thin8 abo2t that34 I t2gged on the paper again. Be was grinning as he 8ept on writing. .I thin8 we have yet another thing in common.4 .!o wayE 1o2 are notE4 I too8 a sip o9 my beer: waiting 9or him to con9irm. Be annoying7y 8ept si7ent. )s soon as Jy7e 9inished writing: I s7ipped the paper o2t 9rom 2nder his hand. Be tried to stop me 9rom ta8ing it b2t he wasn=t <2ic8 eno2gh. In an instant his who7e demeanor changed. /e were >2st having a 92n time teasing each other: b2t now he seemed agitated. Jy7e 7oo8ed at his watch and <2ic87y downed the 7ast o9 his beer. .I=ve got to go:4 he m2ttered and s7id o2t o9 the booth. I was comp7ete7y con92sed by his abr2pt depart2re. ./e77: than8s 9or the st299.4 I patted the paper bag. Be was obvio2s7y distracted by other tho2ghts as he p2t his 7eather >ac8et on. .I=77 see yo2 7ater. Aet some rest:4 he ordered. I watched as Jy7e ran his hand thro2gh his hair on the way o2t the door. -arie and Tammy were staring at me: giving me the disapproving 7oo8 that I spent too m2ch time with Jy7e. 5ee7ing g2i7ty: I immediate7y went bac8 2pstairs and ca77ed Ryan. .I sti77 thin8 yo2 co27d ma8e it:4 Ryan whined in my ear. .I=m s2re there=s an open seat on a 97ight.4

I 7oo8ed at the ye77owish*brown mar8s that sti77 covered my chee8 thro2gh my s7ight7y dr2n8en eyes: thin8ing that no amo2nt o9 ma8e2p wo27d ever concea7 them. I was g7ad that we had 9ina77y moved on 9rom the 2mpteenth Jy7e arg2ment. .Ryan: I as8ed my doctor. Be doesn=t want me to 97y 9or another two wee8s. esides: my 9ace is sti77 b7ac8 and b72e or more 7i8e ye77ow and brown now. 1o2 can=t be photographed with me 7oo8ing 7i8e this.4 .I don=t care abo2t that:4 he breathed. . 2t i9 the doctor is the one saying no: then I 2nderstand why yo2 can=t.4 .Boney: I want to be there too: b2t a trip to L.). isn=t possib7e right now. I sti77 have some pain in my ribs. I=m p7anning on watching the ?scars on te7evision. I wo27dn=t miss yo2r presentation 9or anything.4 .I 97y tomorrow and then I have a rehearsa7 so I don=t mess 2p my 7ines. I=m rea77y nervo2s:4 he admitted. .1o2=77 do >2st 9ine. 1o2=re a pro at thisE4 I tried to enco2rage him. .This sched27e is craDy. I 7eave o2t o9 L)R at nine the ne;t morning. )nd then I=m sched27ed to do some scenes 7ater that night bac8 in -iami:4 he groaned. .!o rest 9or the weary:4 I stated. .Tar: wo27d yo2 try to come down here in two wee8s3 @7ease3 Since I can=t see yo2 this wee8end at 7east come down to -iami. I have something very specia7 in mind 9or yo2r birthday.4 .0on=t go overboard. It=s >2st another day:4 I groaned. .Seeing yo2 wi77 be more than eno2gh.4 .!evermind what I p7an:4 he whispered. .I=77 get arrangements made 9or yo2 to 97y down here and I=m going to ma8e s2re yo2 ma8e it sa9e7y to the airport this time: so don=t give me any shit abo2t a bodyg2ard: o8ay34 .)77 I need is 9or yo2 to ho7d me:4 I said. .1eah: me too:4 Ryan whispered. ./hy are yo2 ta78ing so <2iet7y3 Is someone there with yo234 I as8ed. .!o. Bang on:4 he said. .Bey: I=m gonna get going. I 2m: ordered room service and they=re here.4 I tho2ght I heard a woman=s voice spea8ing in the bac8gro2nd and what so2nded 7i8e

Ryan sh2shing her. .?8ay: we77 I g2ess I=77 ta78 to yo2 7ater then:4 I m2ttered. .I 7ove yo2.4 .Love yo2 too:4 he whispered <2ic87y. The phone c7ic8ed abr2pt7y. Ryan didn=t even say goodbye. The phone ca77 I had with Ryan was sti77 p7aying over and over again in my mind the ne;t day. I 8new he was 97ying to L.). and he had a 7ot o9 things to do: b2t it sti77 s2rprised me that he didn=t try ca77ing me. It was o2t o9 character 9or him. I ca77ed him the 9o77owing day: bothered that I didn=t hear 9rom him. I tried to 8eep my annoyance o2t o9 my tone and 8ept my voice 7ight and happy. Ryan was moody. Be said it was beca2se he was being r2shed 9rom p7ace to p7ace. Be was a7so getting dressed 9or the ?scars. Later that evening I perched myse79 in 9ront o9 the te7evision to watch the )cademy )wards. Ryan 7oo8ed so handsome on the red carpet as he gave his interview. ?9 co2rse: he was as8ed i9 he was there with anyone and his rep7y was: .!o: I don=t have a dateE4 .ate# )ow about your <one and only: girlfriend is still re uperating from her near+ death e0perien e# I gr2nted in anger. There was no private gest2re to ac8now7edge he was thin8ing o9 me. I was sti77 a secret he wo27d never admit to o2t 7o2d. Severa7 days 7ater: we had another arg2ment. .Boney: why are there pict2res o9 yo2 h2gging and ho7ding La2ren=s hand on the Internet34 I as8ed gent7y. Ryan h299ed in my ear. .Taryn: yo2 92c8ing promised me:4 he grow7ed angri7y. .It=s a simp7e <2estion: Ryan. I don=t ho7d @ete=s hand or Aary=s hand 6 ever. I >2st want to 8now why yo2 9e7t the need to tow her a7ong thro2gh some ?scar a9ter party.4 .She was dr2n8. I didn=t want her to ma8e an ass o2t o9 herse79 whi7e she was o2t in p2b7ic:4 Ryan de9ensive7y answered. 57ashbac8s o9 me as8ing Thomas simi7ar <2estions coated my tho2ghts. Thomas a7ways had a va7id e;c2se too" .)er ar bro"e down and I ouldnt !ust leave her stranded so I gave her a ride home and then we !ust got to tal"ing%%%: .She was a girl I "new from s hool% She is going through some rough times right

now%: .I had to do an estimate at someones house% So what that Im a ouple hours late% .o I have to he " in with you every ten minutes#: I sighed 7o2d7y. .I tho2ght La2ren has a boy9riend3 /hy wasn=t he tending to her34 I as8ed. . eca2se he=s on 7ocation in !ew Wea7and: Taryn:4 Ryan ret2rned sharp7y. .Ber boyfriend: L2cas an8s: is a7so 9i7ming.4 Bis tone made me 9ee7 7i8e an idiot: 7i8e I sho27d=ve 8nown that. .I=m sorry:4 I apo7ogiDed instinctive7y. -y o7d habits o9 being insec2re 8ept res2r9acing. Thomas a7ways had a 8nac8 o9 t2rning each arg2ment aro2nd: b7aming my 7ac8 o9 tr2st and ne2rosis 9or being the ca2se o9 o2r 9ights. .I >2st wanted to 8now what the circ2mstances were: that=s a77:4 I conceded. .1o2 have no reason to be s2spicio2s: Boney. It=s >2st 7i8e the pict2res o9 yo2 ho7ding onto Cory o2t on the icy sidewa78. I reca77 seeing your hand in his in those pict2res. I2st remember how <2ic87y an innocent gest2re gets ta8en o2t o9 conte;t.4 .1o2=re right: b2tH4 I whispered. .I >2st don=t want yo2 to give La2ren the wrong impression either: Ryan.4 .)re yo2 going to be 7i8e this 9orever: Tar3 )cc2sing me whenever I to2ch another h2man being34 Ryan snar7ed. .!o. 2t I wi77 be 7i8e this when yo2=re ho7ding hands with someone yo2=ve a7ready had se; withE4 I tried to maintain my temper: and a7tho2gh I was 2ns2re i9 he had se; with La2ren or not when they s2pposed7y dated: the 9act that he didn=t try to deny it was con9irmation eno2gh. .)nd I 8now yo2 we77 eno2gh to 8now that i9 yo2 saw pict2res o9 me ho7ding hands with some e;*boy9riend that IH4 I too8 a breath: pa2sing to chec8 the direction o9 my acc2sations. ./ith someone yo2 didn=t 8now or tr2st: smi7ing and canood7ing aro2nd some over the top party with him: yo2=d 97ip o2t on me:4 I groaned. .1eah: yo2=re right. I wo27d:4 Ryan wi77ing7y admitted. .)nd why wo27d you have that reaction: Ryan3 /o27d it be beca2se you don=t tr2st me or beca2se yo2 don=t want the entire wor7d to have that impression o9 o2r re7ationship34

.I tr2st yo2:4 he whispered. .It=s embarrassing and disheartening: seeing yo2r boy9riend being a99ectionate with his e;*gir79riend o99 set:4 I said so9t7y. ./hen yo2=re 9i7ming: it=s another thingH4 .I9 yo2 wo27d have >2st come o2t to L.). 7i8e I as8ed yo2 to we wo27dn=t be having this conversation. I was a9raid o9 thisH a9raid o9 what the distance wo27d tr27y do to 2s:4 Ryan 2ttered into the phone. .Ryan: it=s not the distanceE I 8now yo2 and La2ren hoo8ed 2p 7ast year and yo2 dated her. She=s 9ami7iar territory. I=m 7i8e this beca2se I=m in 7ove with yo2 and I don=t want to 7ose yo2 to someone e7se.4 The tho2ght o9 him s7ipping o2t o9 my hands and into La2ren=s stabbed me in the heart. .I 9ig2red yo2 8new. !o wonderH4 he sighed. .I g2ess I messed 2p again. I sho27d have to7d yo2.4 ./e77: p2t it this way: yo2 >2st con9irmed what I tho2ght I 8new:4 I whispered. .I wish yo2 wo27d=ve >2st been honest abo2t what happened between yo2 two. I=m >2st 7e9t here to spec27ate.4 ./hat do yo2 want to 8now34 he sco99ed. .I=m sorry. /e sho27d=ve ta78ed abo2t this: b2t I didn=t thin8 it was a big dea7: so either yo2 tr2st me or yo2 don=t.4 .Ryan: I tr2st yo2E4 I said: hoping he=d be7ieve me. . 2t how co27d yo2 thin8 it wasn=t a big dea7 9or me when yo2 8now yo2=re wor8ing on a romantic movie with some actress yo2 screwed be9ore3 1o2 never even to7d me abo2t her:4 I reminded him. Be tried to interr2pt b2t I spo8e over him. I needed to get this a77 o99 my chest. .1o2 have to rea7iDe: a77 o9 these 7itt7e: 2ndisc7osed secrets are what tears tr2st apartE Aive me reasons to tr2st yo2: not reasons to distr2st yo2: Ryan.4 .Taryn: I said I=m sorry. I sho27d=ve been honest abo2t it: b2t I was a9raid yo2 wo27d be angry and I didn=t want to 9ight abo2t it: so I didn=t say anything. !ow I=ve >2st made it worse.4 I didn=t want to p2sh the iss2e any 92rther. I hoped he got my point abo2t honesty. .0o yo2 7ove me34 I as8ed. Ryan sighed. ./ith a77 my heart.4 .Then I tr2st yo2:4 I vowed. .0o yo2 rea77y34 he <2estioned harsh7y. .Then can yo2 e;p7ain to me why Jy7e is in

-iami34 I was momentari7y st2nned 9rom hearing Jy7e=s name come o2t o9 his mo2th again. ./hat do yo2 mean Jy7e is in -iami34 I retorted. ./hen did yo2 see him34 .Be was on 7ocation with 2s this morning: Tar:4 Ryan grow7ed. ./hy is he here34 .I have no idea why he=s there:4 I de9ended: trying to decipher Ryan=s 7ine o9 <2estioning. .1o2 better not be 7ying to me: TarynE4 he stated 9orce9277y. .Ryan: I swear 6 I=m not 7yingE I have no idea why he=s there.4 ./hen was the 7ast time yo2 saw him34 he as8ed. I tho2ght abo2t it 9or a moment. ./hen he came to give me that mace and st299 a wee8 ago: and I to7d yo2 abo2t that. I=ve to7d yo2 every time he=s ever come aro2nd here. Im not the one 8eeping secrets.4 .Swear to me that yo2 didn=t 8now abo2t him coming down here:4 Ryan breathed desperate7y. .Ryan: I swear on my 7i9e that I have no idea why he is there.4 .Be ir8s the shit o2t o9 me. I don=t 8now why he=s here: b2t I=m going to 9ind o2t:4 he said a2thoritative7y. There was a 7ong pa2se 2nti7 Ryan bro8e the si7ence. .Taryn: I don=t want to 9ight with yo2. I am >2st 9r2strated abo2tH4 It was si7ent again and I didn=t 8now i9 I sho27d say anything or 7et him ta78. ) mi77ion tho2ghts r2shed thro2gh my mind. )e is frustrated with me and my inse urities% )e is frustrated that I didnt ome to the -s ars% )e is frustrated that I lost his unborn baby% I mind7ess7y 7et the ne;t tho2ght s7ip o2t o9 my mo2th to 8i77 the si7ence. .1o2=re 9r2strated with me:4 I stated it: not <2estioned. .I=m 9r2strated with everything: Taryn.4 ?ne sing7e tear dripped down my chee8.

Chapter 33 - Crushe

The ne;t wee8 seemed to move a7ong <2ic8er. I was starting to 9ee7 better physica77y and spending more time downstairs in the p2b was better 9or me menta77y. I didn=t rea7iDe >2st how m2ch interacting with peop7e was good 9or my spirit. -y reg27ar c2stomers were g7ad to see me again and a7tho2gh many were concerned: some co27dn=t he7p b2t ma8e a 9ew >o8es abo2t the accident. I sti77 wore my obno;io2s b72e cast as a constant reminder. .TarynE /hat are yo2 doing34 -arie ye77ed at me. .I2st 9i77ing the coo7ers:4 I m2ttered. .1o2=re not s2pposed to be 7i9ting and bending 7i8e thatE Aet away 9rom thereE4 -arie t2gged on my arm. .Ao: sit. Ta8e it easy. I don=t want yo2 getting h2rt be9ore yo2r trip.4 There was no arg2ing with -arie abo2t the amo2nt o9 physica7 7abor that I tried to e;ert: b2t what she didn=t rea7iDe was how good it 9e7t 9or me to move and stretch again. .Is it o8ay i9 I tap a beer34 I 8idded with her. .5ine: b2t no 7i9ting heavy beer cases.4 She shoo8 her 9inger at me. I was 9ee7ing very apprehensive abo2t my 2pcoming trip to 57orida. Ryan was actingH weird: s8ittish. Since he was a7ways wor8ing: o2r phone conversations had to be coordinated: b2t 7ate7y Ryan was over*the*top with arranging times when it was sa9e to ta78. SafeH he 2ttered that word d2ring one o9 o2r conversations. /hy a77 o9 a s2dden is he worried abo2t being safe when he ta78s to me3 /as it beca2se La2ren was constant7y aro2nd him: even when he had spare moments o9 downtime when he wasn=t 9i7ming3 Ryan in9ormed me o9 Jy7e=s annoying presence: a7most acc2sing me o9 being responsib7e 9or Jy7e being there on occasion. Jy7e had managed to spend a 9ew days ma8ing his presence 8nown on some o9 the 9i7ming 7ocationsH that was 2nti7 Ryan p2t an end to it. Ryan to7d me that he spo8e to the head o9 Jy7e=s company direct7y and in9ormed him

that he wanted Jy7e removed 9rom the set immediate7y. Ryan wo27dn=t te77 me what happened: b2t something de9inite7y went down between the two o9 them beca2se Ryan was 92rio2s. Jy7e was to be in9ormed immediate7y to re9rain 9rom contacting me or attempting to see me in any way: shape: or 9ormH permanent7y. I was s2re that Ryan 2sed his .no b277shit4 tone with Jy7e=s boss. I wished there was someone I co27d ca77 to 8eep La2ren=s 7ips o99 o9 RyanC someone to order her to stay away 9rom him. I wo27d have 7oved to 2se my a2thority to iss2e a .cease and desist4 order on her. I tried to constant7y remind myse79 that Ryan was ma8ing a movie: that his 8issing La2ren was no di99erent 9rom him 8issing S2Danne. Sometimes I tried to swap o2t La2ren=s head with S2Danne=s >2st to 8eep my >ea7o2sy at bay: b2t since I had never met La2ren: it was di99ic27t. I didn=t 8now her and there9ore I didn=t tr2st her. Ryan constant7y ass2red me that he 7oved me: b2t I co27dn=t he7p to thin8 o9 my 9ai7ed engagement and a77 the times Thomas .ass2red4 me when he covered his in9ide7ities. Some e;periences were di99ic27t to sha8e. It didn=t he7p that Ryan=s demeanor towards me had been di99erent these 7ast 9ew days. Be was nervo2s and weird7y e;cited that I was coming to -iami. 57ight times: arriva7 times: depart2re times: a77 care9277y orchestrated. -y 9riends were behaving di99erent7y as we77H smi7ing at me aw8ward7y a77 the time: 7i8e they 8new something I didn=t. It sort o9 reminded me o9 the ambig2o2s 7oo8s they 2sed to give me when they tho2ght I was too st2pid to rea7iDe Thomas was cheating on me. The day 9ina77y arrived that I departed 9or 57orida. This time I was going to ma8e it there sa9e7yC Ryan was ma8ing s2re o9 that. Be hired a driver to get me to the airport and Iamaa7: my new bodyg2ard 6 who was the siDe o9 an !5L 7inebac8er * accompanied me the entire way. I 9e7t better 8nowing that Ryan wanted me to arrive 2nscathed: especia77y since )nge7ica was sti77 on the 7oose. .I tho2ght 57orida is s2pposed to be s2nny and warm34 I said to my driver: trying to brea8 the si7ence. I g7owered at the disma7 gray s8ies that dar8ened the a9ternoon. The heavy rain was ma8ing trai7s down my window: obsc2ring my view o9 the 7andscape. .It is: madam:4 my driver stated with a thic8 Iamaican accent. . 2t not todayE4 Be

7a2ghed. .I 9ee7 7i8e I sho27d as8 9or a re92ndE )77 this 9a7se advertisingE4 I 7a2ghed at my own >o8e: sensing that he either didn=t hear me or he didn=t 2nderstand. 0owntown -iami was sti77 teeming with 7i9e despite the d2bio2s weather. I tried to pay attention to where we were driving whi7e my 9ingers tapped a7ong with the rhythmic so2nd o9 the windshie7d wipers. I noticed the mar<2ee on the Regency Bote7 as we s7owed. It was a re7ie9 to 8now that I 9ina77y made it and on7y a 9ew more min2tes separated me 9rom being re2nited with my 7ove. I co27dn=t wait to wrap my arms aro2nd him and p2t an end to a77 my worries. The stee7 garage door sea7ed tight7y behind my car: sh2tting o2t the prying eyes and photographers that s2rro2nded the hote7. It was di99ic27t not to 9ee7 7i8e roya7ty when I had a h278ing bodyg2ard ho7ding o2t his hand 9or me to e;it the 7imo2sine: my driver was hand7ing my 72ggage: and hote7 sec2rity was waiting 9or my arriva7 at the private entrance. 2tter97ies coated my stomach whi7e I s7id the 8eycard into the 7oc8 o9 Ryan=s private s2ite. .1o2 can >2st 7eave my bags here:4 I pointed to the 97oor in the entryway. .That=s o8ay ma=am: I=77 ta8e them to the bedroom 9or yo2:4 the be77boy nervo2s7y insisted. .I can get them:4 I said. I wanted the be77boy o2t as soon as possib7e so that the second I saw Ryan it wo27d be a private: intimate moment. I had been thin8ing abo2t this re2nion 9or days. I even strategica77y pic8ed o2t my o2t9it 6 a simp7e cotton top and his 9avorite >eans. I was not abo2t to waste a second o9 o2r time messing with 7ayers o9 c7othes as we got re*acc7imated. esides: I didn=t 8now i9 Ryan was 7ying and waiting na8ed in the bedroom. )t 7east I hoped he was. .!oE Um: I have to ta8e themE4 The yo2ng man was adamant: a7most sho2ting o2t at me. e9ore I had a chance to say no again: he <2ic87y carried my bags o99 to the bedroom. .Bere yo2 go:4 I said with a smi7e: tipping the be77boy ten do77ars. Be <2ic87y snatched the money 9rom my 9ingers and sprang 9or the door: not even ma8ing eye contact. I tho2ght it was r2de that he didn=t even say GThan8 1o2.=

Ryan=s s2ite was magni9icent: o9 co2rseE @rivate bedroom: enormo2s 7iving room: and a 7arge dining tab7e with a 72sh 9resh 97ower centerpiece made the room 9ee7 7i8e an apartment. .Ryan34 I ca77ed o2t: wondering why he didn=t meet me at the door. I h2rried to the master bedroom and opened the do2b7e doors. .)re yo2 here34 I wandered aro2nd a77 the rooms b2t he wasn=t in the s2ite. Where is he# /e had agreed to meet here. I 7oo8ed at my watch. I had e;pected him to be waiting 9or me: 9ig2ring he=d scoop me 2p in his arms and carry me o99 to the bedroom the moment we saw each other. I tried his ce77 n2mber: an;io2s to 7et him 8now I had arrived. -y smi7e t2rned to a 9rown when his voicemai7 answered instead. I too8 my thin >ac8et o99: str2gg7ing a bit to get the c299 over my cast: and 7aid it over the bac8 o9 the si78*c7ad chair. Shimmery h2es o9 b7ac8: b72e: and cream*co7ored 9abric ca2ght my attention. !e;t to the po7ished mahogany dining tab7e stood a 7ong meta7 c7othing rac8 on whee7s. I hesitant7y approached: admiring the e;<2isite evening gowns that h2ng on padded hangers. I 7et my 9ingers 9ee7 the si78iness o9 the di99erent 9abrics. ?ne stri8ing dress stood o2t over the rest 6 the b2stier top was made o9 b2ttery so9t ivory 7eather: crisscrossing at the waist. C2riosity made me 7oo8. Atelier Bersa e, I read the garment tag. I 9e7t 7i8e I was committing a crime >2st by to2ching the dresses. Stac8ed 2p on the 97oor were doDens o9 shoebo;es * Iimmy Choo: Christian Lo2bo2tin: yo2 name it. (very high*end shoe designer was represented. Why does 8yan have womens lothing on display# Must be ni e to be an a tress / loo" at all the per"s that ome along with it% Wait, am I in 8yans room or 7aurens room# I t2rned aro2nd in con92sion then h2rried o99 to the bedroom again: noticing Ryan=s s2itcases and his Aibson g2itar. I do2b7e*chec8ed the 72ggage tags and sighed with re7ie9 a9ter reading .She77* (nterprises.4 -"ay, Im in the right room% I reached 9or my s2itcase and noticed there was an enve7ope 7ying ne;t to it on the bed. )mm, thats weird% .id the bellboy leave a bill for something# I opened the enve7ope and removed the 9o7ded paper. Ah! 8yan did leave a note! -y eyes 9oc2sed on the handwriting... b2t it wasn=t Ryan=s.

Are you serious# $o, this ant be happening! -y brain tried to rationa7iDe what I >2st read. $o, he wouldnt do this to me% $ot today% $ot on my birthday% I 7oo8ed at the note again: trying to read it as it shoo8 in my hand. There was my nameH I 9e7t the weight o9 the entire wor7d as it co77apsed in on me: shattering every bone in my body. -y heart was instant7y torn to shreds and smashed into d2st.

H There was her signat2re: c7ear7y enco2raging my boy9riend to 7eave me. The r2mors: the 7ies: the photographs 6 co27d they a77 be tr2e3

H The words >2mped o99 the page 7i8e a sharp dagger into my heart.

.!o. 0amn ItE !?E4 I cried o2t. .!oE Be 7oves meE -e: not herE4 0id he rea77y 97y me down here to brea8 2p with me or wasn=t I s2pposed to see this 7itt7e remnant o9 his in9ide7ity3 Bow co27d he do this to me3 /o27d he rea77y be that co7dhearted: 7eaving this behind 9or me to read3 /hy not3 )9ter a77: Thomas did it to me. !o: Ryan is not 7i8e that. Be is a good personH who is cheating on me. I started to hyperventi7ate. ) mi77ion pict2res 97ashed thro2gh my mind... Ryan 8issing my hand: his smi7e that made my heart 972tter: hearing his voice say he 7oves me a tho2sand times. $o, there has to be a rational e0planation for this! There has to be! I staggered s7ight7y: 9ee7ing diDDy a77 o9 a s2dden. -y 9oot stepped onto something on the 97oor: right ne;t to where my s2itcase was p7aced. I bent to pic8 2p the shimmery 9abric. )s I 2nrave7ed it: I discovered that in my hands was a pair o9 b7ac8 si78 women=s panties. Li8e creeping death: more evidence o9 his in9ide7ity 2n9o7ded to me. Fisions o9 him with La2ren: ma8ing 7ove to her in this bed right in 9ront o9 me: sn299ed o2t every one o9 my >oyo2s memories. -y ce77 phone shri77ed in my poc8et: start7ing me. -y p27se <2ic8ened and I recoi7ed bac8: a7most 9a77ing over my own 9eet. .Be77o34 I answered in between sobs. .Is this Taryn -itche7734 the ma7e voice in<2ired abr2pt7y. .1es. /ho is this34 I m2ttered: wiping my chee8 on my s7eeve. .It=s not important. /rite down this address:4 he ordered. Bis voice was gr299: m2997ed. ./hat34 I as8ed: comp7ete7y con92sed. .Be is with her right now:4 the stranger in9ormed. ./e=re ta8ing pict2res o9 them together. Aet a pen.4 /hi7e I 7istened to the c7ic8ing so2nds o9 a camera: I scramb7ed to the des8 and 9o2nd a hote7 tab7et 6 the same stationary that La2ren 2sed. .0o yo2 have a pen34 the man ye77ed. .1es: b2t I don=t 2nderstand.4

.1o2 need to see the tr2th. B2rry. The hote7 wi77 get a ta;i 9or yo2. Come to 2&$0 /est @a7ermo )ven2e * the resta2rant on the corner. Shoot thatH he=s 8issing her againE )hE Be is so b2stedE 2&$0 /est @a7ermo.4 ./ho is this34 I as8ed. .Be77o34 I tore the paper o99 the pad and grabbed my p2rse. .2&$0 /est @a7ermo:4 I read the address to the ta;i driver and then shoved the paper bac8 in my poc8et. The rain came down in b2c8ets: ca2sing the car head7ights to g7are o99 the windshie7d. The s8ies were pitch b7ac8 9rom the storm b7asting -iami. The dar8 and omino2s c7o2ds bro2ght the wind: which ca2sed the rain to b7ow sideways. Lo2d th2nder started to r2mb7e between the 7ightning 97ashes. I sat on the edge o9 the bac8 seat: staring wi7d7y o2t the 9ront window o9 the ta;i. I saw the road sign indicating @a7ermo )ve. -y throat became tight with anticipation. The ta;i driver p277ed over to the c2rb. .2&$0 @a7ermo.4 The driver pointed at the ta77 o99ice b2i7ding. .That=77 be 9o2rteen* 9i9ty.4 I grabbed a twenty o2t o9 my wa77etC my hand shoo8 as I handed it to him. .0o yo2 want a receipt34 he as8ed in a ro2gh voice. .!o:4 I said <2ic87y: my hand was a7ready p277ing the 7ever on the door. I gave the cab door a shove and h2rried thro2gh the rain towards the she7ter o9 the entrance. 5rightening th2nder r2mb7ed thro2gh the s8yC the earsp7itting crac8 made me instinctive7y d2c8 whi7e it echoed 7o2d7y o99 o9 the ta77 b2i7dings. I 97inched 9rom the so2ndC 8nowing my 72c8 I=d probab7y get str2c8 by 7ightning today too. I 7oo8ed at the big n2mbers on the gray stone b2i7dingH 2&$0. It was a ban8 with severa7 97oors o9 o99ices above it. I was 2tter7y con92sed. What the# /as someone p7aying a cr2e7 >o8e on me 6 sending me on some wi7d goose chase3 I p277ed the paper bac8 o2t o9 my poc8et to do2b7e chec8 the address: b2t instead o9 the address: I was 7oo8ing at La2ren=s note again. The note I he7d in my hand was de9inite7y not a >o8e. 8estaurant on orner: my memory in9ormed <2ic87y. I 7oo8ed 2p and down the street: 2ns2re o9 which way to go. I was in the center o9 the b7oc8. 52e7ed by the evidence c72tched in my hand: I started wa78ing 9ast down the

sidewa78. The rain soa8ed thro2gh my c7othesC my wet 9eet s7ipped 2ncom9ortab7y inside my 7eather boots. -y hair that was once nice7y done was comp7ete7y drenched. I shivered 9rom the wind and p277ed my p2rse bac8 2p on my sho27der. I wished I had an 2mbre77a to shie7d me 9rom the rain. I 97ipped 2p the 7itt7e co77ar o9 my shirt >2st to 8eep the water 9rom dripping down my bac8. Two men were standing near the corner: h2dd7ed ne;t to a b2i7ding: wearing p7astic rain >ac8ets. oth o9 them he7d cameras with 7ong: white 7enses covered by a c7ear p7astic sheath. Their 7enses pointed towards the opposite street corner. I 7oo8ed across the street to the window. There was the resta2rant and there was Ryan: visib7e 9rom the street. -y breath ca2ght 9rom seeing him. Rain dripped 9rom my hair and down my 9aceC my mascara b7ed and b2rned my eyes as I tried to 9oc2s thro2gh the downpo2r. I saw Ryan 7i9t La2ren=s hand o99 the tab7e. The two cameras c7ic8ed in a rhythmic h2m. Be twisted the ring on her 9inger. I 9e7t the tears b2i7d in my eyes and 2nbearab7e pain crac8ed into my chest. Be pic8ed her hand 2p and wrapped it in his: smi7ing at her be9ore 8issing her 9ingertips. Borror and denia7 swir7ed thro2gh my so27 7i8e to;ic 92mes. .!o:4 I whispered o2t in pain. Then Ryan stood 2p 9rom his chair: 7eaned across the tab7e: and pressed his 7ips to hers. Right there in p2b7icH The cameras so2nded 7i8e the 8nives that s7iced my heart to shreds. )nger: resentment: and p2re hatred we77ed in me as the 7ast 9ragment o9 my heart was torn 9rom my chest. I made it ha79way across the street be9ore I was stopped by oncoming tra99ic. ) car came screeching to a ha7t: hydrop7aning in the rain and missing me by inches. I was 9roDen in p7aceC my eyes were 7oc8ed on Ryan=s 9ace. !o other vision mattered. The driver hon8ed his horn repeated7y: b2t I co27dn=t move. @art o9 me wished he wo27d >2st hit me and end the pain once and 9or a77. .o it! )it the gas and finish me!

Lightning 97ashed over my head b2t I didn=t 97inch this time. It wo27d ta8e a direct hit by a bo7t o9 e7ectricity to restart my heart. The driver was impatientC his hand stayed on the horn 7onger the second time. ./hy34 I sobbed in the street. Losing o2r 2nborn chi7d was nothing compared to the e;cr2ciating pain I 9e7t now. Right at that moment: it happened 6 be9ore my very eyes 6 my greatest 7ove t2rned into nothing more than another man I wasn=t good eno2gh 9or. .Bey 7adyE Aet o2t o9 the streetE4 the driver ye77ed at me thro2gh his open car window: b7aring his horn at me again. I g7anced in his directionC his visco2s tone distracted me. ./hat the he77 is wrong with yo23 )re yo2 trying to get yo2rse79 8i77ed34 the man contin2ed sho2ting. What the hell was wrong with me# The 7ights o9 the oncoming tra99ic made starb2rsts in my b72rry eyes. I was crying so hard that I 9orgot where I was 9or a second. -y 9eet moved 2nconscio2s7yC I 9o77owed the ye77ow 7ines: hoping they wo27d 7ead me to a p7ace where the pain wo27d stop. -y 9ingers 9o2nd a door hand7e in the dar8. I dropped La2ren=s poison*penned note: 7eaving it behind on the sidewa78. I didn=t need it with me anymore. I had witnessed a77 the proo9 I needed with my own eyes. .TarynE4 my memory ca77ed o2t in a m2997ed tone: strange7y in the so2nd o9 Ryan=s voice: b2t I co27dn=t respond to it. 0ar8ness had a7ready ta8en me 2nder. ./here to -iss34 Some man as8ed me. .-iss34 .B2H home:4 I breathed. .)nd where is home34 the man as8ed. -y 7ips <2ivered as I 9o2nd the wi77 to spea8. .)irport.4 0eso7ation and despair enve7oped me again: cho8ing my abi7ity to breathe. )77 my hopes and dreams that invo7ved Ryan were shattered. -y phone chimed that st2pid ringtone: reminding me o9 his biggest 7ie that cr2shed my so27... he wasn=t mine anymore. I ro77ed the car window down and tossed o2t my ce77 phone: re7easing his song to the wind.

.Taryn34 I heard a man=s voice ca77ing my name. My mind must really be playing tri "s on me% $ow Im hearing voi es% So this is what a nervous brea"down feels li"e% At least Im not rying anymore% .Taryn: wait 2p.4 -y 7egs tr2dged on their own: instinctive7y 9o77owing the rest o9 the peop7e h2rrying aro2nd me. If I follow them far enough, maybe the flashing lights will stop# .BeyE /hat are yo2 doing in the airport34 -y eyes g7anced over to my rightC someone was ta78ing to me. That=s when I noticed Jy7e=s 9ace. .Stop ta8ing her pict2reE (no2gh g2ysE4 he ye77ed. I saw an arm press o2t in 9ront o9 me: shie7ding me. ./hy are yo2 soa8ing wet34 Jy7e as8ed <2iet7y. .Taryn: >2st 8eep wa78ing.4 Something annoying was p2shing into my bac8: 9orcing me to wa78 9orward 9aster. I 9e7t co7d and n2mb and 2tter7y devastated. Creeping death must be inside me now, devouring everything% Jy7e g7anced aro2nd my 9eet. ./here is yo2r 72ggage34 he m2ttered. I 7oo8ed down at my hands * they were empty and tremb7ing. The edge o9 my b72e cast st2c8 o2t the end o9 my s7eeveC water dripped 9rom the ga2De pac8ing. I co27dn=t remember i9 I was s2pposed to have anything in my hands or not. Instant7y my chest tightened and it 9e7t very hard to breathe. .Bey: heyH4 Jy7e p277ed me into his chest. .Ca7m down. Shh: it wi77 be a77 right. I=m here.4 I tried to b7oc8 him with my hands. I wanted him to stop to2ching me. !o man wo27d ever to2ch me again. Be whispered in my ear: .0on=t worry: babe. I=77 ta8e care o9 yo2. Let=s get yo2 home.4

Chapter 3, - Shattere

.Taryn: sweetie. Than8 AodE4 -arie r2shed to my bedside. .It=s gonna be o8ay. /e=re here.4 She wrenched her hands aro2nd my nec8 and sho27ders to h2g me. @ete was 9rantica77y t2rning on a77 my bedroom 7amps. It was dar8 o2tside so I pres2med it m2st be night again. -y eyes were swo77enC I had a hard time 9oc2sing them in the new 7ight. .Sho27d I ca77 !ine*?ne*?ne34 Tammy as8ed in a panic 9rom the opening where my bedroom door once stood. -arie ran her hand across my 9ace to wipe my hair 9rom my eyes. .Taryn: ta78 to me. 0o yo2 need to go to the hospita734 -arie=s voice crac8ed when she as8ed. (;treme sadness b2rst bac8 into my chest and I started to weep again. I do2bted any hospita7 in the wor7d wo27d be ab7e to mend a shattered heart. .I don=t thin8 she needs an amb27ance: Tammy:4 @ete said 9rom the other side o9 my bed. I 9e7t him pet my hair. .?h: Taryn: it wi77 be a77 rightE4 -arie h2gged me tight7y. .Sweetie: what happened34 .It=sH over:4 I cho8ed o2t. It was p2re agony to say the words o2t 7o2d. -arie 7oo8ed over at @ete and shoo8 her head. .Te77 2s what happened:4 -arie whispered. .I saw him with her:4 I 2ttered between sobs. .I saw it with my own eyes. Be to2ched her 9ace: and 8issed her hand: and I watched as he 7eaned over the tab7e to 8iss her. Right there in the resta2rant 9or everyone to see.4 The magnit2de o9 my admission cr2shed me again. ./ho: Taryn3 /ho was he with34 @ete as8ed gent7y. .La2ren. Be was with La2ren. )77 the r2mors abo2t themH they=re tr2e.4 I bare7y

had the wi77 to spea8. .Taryn: Ryan was 9i7ming:4 -arie spo8e ca2tio2s7y. I stared at her 9ace thro2gh my tears: wondering why she be7ieved him. .S2re he was. That=s why the paparaDDi were there:4 I m2ttered. She grimaced at me. ./hat=s a77 over yo2r shirt34 I 7oo8ed at my chest: noticing ye77ow spots on the 9abric. .I thin8 I threw 2p 7ast night:4 I sp2ttered. )nother crac8 o9 2nbearab7e sadness str2c8 my heart. .Come onC 7et=s get yo2 in the shower.4 She tore the b7an8ets o99 my body and wrapped her arm aro2nd my bac8 to he7p me o2t o9 bed. .Bave yo2 eaten anything34 -arie as8ed: wa78ing me to the bathroom. I 9e7t con92sed and wea8. I co27dn=t remember when I ate 7ast. /hen I shoo8 my head: the motion made me 9ee7 diDDy. .Tammy: see i9 yo2 can ma8e something 9or Taryn to eat:4 -arie re<2ested. .I=m not h2ngry:4 I whispered. I deserved to 9ee7 the emptiness inside my chest. )9ter a77: it was the res27t o9 my own st2pidity. .TarynE 1o2 have to eatE4 -arie sco7ded: t2rning on the shower. ./hat happened to yo2r cast34 She pee7ed a big ch2n8 o9 the casing o99. The ga2De padding was hanging o2t over my hand. .I got it wet:4 I answered: p277ing on a piece o9 cotton thread that h2ng o2t 9rom the ho7e aro2nd my th2mb. .@ete: do yo2 have any tape3 Loo8 at thisE It=s 9a77ing apart. I=77 ca77 her doctor tomorrow.4 @ete came bac8 with his too7bo;. I wished he wo27d have >2st c2t it o99 instead o9 wrapping it in si7ver tape. ./hy didn=t yo2 ca77 2s: Taryn3 /e=re yo2r 9riendsE4 Tammy stressed: p277ing my sweatpants o99 my body. .1o2=re not a7one in thisE4 .Tammy: 7et=s >2st get her washed.4 -arie p277ed my T*shirt o99 over my head and tossed it across the bathroom. ./e need to wrap her cast in p7astic 9irst.4 .I=77 go strip her bed then:4 Tammy vo72nteered. .)re these her antidepressants3 Bere Taryn: ta8e this. 0rin8.4

.Can yo2 stand or do yo2 want me to r2n a bath34 -arie as8ed: p2shing bac8 the shower c2rtain. I stepped into the shower: noticing that the br2ises on my stomach were a7most comp7ete7y gone b2t I had a 9resh b7ac8 and b72e mar8 on my thigh. I co27dn=t remember how I got that one. The hot water act2a77y 9e7t good on my s8in a7tho2gh it st2ng a 7itt7e on my 9ace where I had been r2bbing my eyes. I 2sed my right hand to p2sh the water thro2gh my hair: hoping that the stream wo27d somehow reach my memories and c7eanse them o9 the nightmares. ) 9ew 7ong strands o9 hair dis7odged and tang7ed aro2nd my 9ingers 7i8e a spider web. ?h how I wished they wo27d have been strong eno2gh to p277 the misery 9rom my mind be9ore brea8ing away 9rom my headE -arie handed my toothbr2sh to me. . r2sh yo2r teeth whi7e yo2=re in there.4 I 7et the water stream into my dry mo2th: swa77owing some to <2ench my thirst. I was 9ee7ing wea8 and tired and 2tter7y miserab7e: so I 7eaned 2p on the wa77. Will I ever find the strength to move on# The shri77 o9 a ce77 phone ringing start7ed me. I 8new it wasn=t mine. -y ce77 phone was probab7y in pieces on a 57orida highway by now. ./e 9o2nd her:4 I heard -arie whisper. .She=s in the apartmentH4 Ber voice trai7ed o99. I 8new it was Ryan she was ta78ing to. I wondered why he even cared. -aybe he was 9ee7ing g2i7ty 9or cr2shing me3 I had no pity 9or him. Be co27d wa77ow in his g2i7t 9or the rest o9 his 7i9e 9or a77 I cared. The shower c2rtain p277ed bac8 s7ight7y and -arie popped her head into the opening. .1o2=re not going to get c7ean that wayE4 She 9rowned at me. .It he7ps i9 yo2 act2a77y 7et the water to2ch yo2r body.4 She p2shed her s7eeves 2p on her arms and t2rned the water diverter to sh2t the overhead shower o99. .Bere: 7et me he7p. Sit down in the t2b.4 -arie p2shed the drain p72g down and started to 9i77 the t2b with hot water. She swir7ed her hand aro2nd in the water by my 9eet. .Sandy said that she=s having a b2nch o9 specia7s down at the sa7on this month. /e

sho27d go get o2r nai7s done. She has this new 9oot soa8 st299C she says it sme77s 7i8e peppermintH4 ./ho were yo2 >2st ta78ing to on the phone34 I interr2pted her. She stopped washing my sho27ders and p2t more soap on the sponge. Ber 7ips p2rsed together and I 8new she didn=t want to say his name. .I wasn=t ta78ing to anyone:4 she 7ied. .Bere: wash yo2r body.4 She s<2eeDed some shampoo onto my hair. .Sandy a7so to7d me abo2t this new shampoo she got that has seaweed and p7an8ton mi;ed in it: b2t I to7d her that it didn=t so2nd very appea7ing. I mean have yo2 sme77ed the ocean 7ate7y3 /ho wants to wash their hair with crap 97oating in the oH4 .-arie: I heard yo2 ta78ing to someone:4 I interr2pted again. .@7ease don=t 7ie.4 Ber 9ingers 9roDe 9or a moment in my hair. .I 7ove yo2: Taryn. /e all 7ove yo2. 1o2 are the c7osest thing I have to a sister in this wor7d. )nd I 8now yo2 are in pain right now: so I want to he7p yo2 get past it so yo2 can see things c7ear7y.4 I 9e7t her 9ingernai7s scr2b my sca7p. .1o2 8now e0a tly who I was >2st ta78ing to. I 8now yo2=re 2pset: so I=m not going to say his name o2t 7o2d: b2t he is the reason we 8new to 7oo8 9or yo2:4 -arie admitted. .Be ca77ed me. Be ca77ed @ete. Be begged 2s to get thro2gh to yo2 when yo2 wo27dn=t answer his ca77s. !one o9 2s even 8new yo2 came home.4 .I don=t want yo2 ta78ing to him anymore:4 I commanded hoarse7y. .Let=s >2st 9inish getting yo2 c7ean and then we=re going to get some 9ood into yo2r body. 1o2 need to re*e;amine the sit2ation with a 9resh attit2de: o8ay sweetie34 -arie dismissed my order. .@romise me yo2 won=t ta78 to him anymore. It=s over:4 I whispered. .I can=t do that:4 she m2ttered. .@romise meE4 I begged: 7oo8ing her in the eyes. .!oE4 -arie said with conviction. .I wi77 not promise thatE4 .Then choose 6 right now 6 him or meE4 I demanded with new tears in my eyes. .Tammy3 Can yo2 get me a big p7astic c2p 9rom the 8itchen p7ease34 -arie ye77ed over her sho27der. ./ash yo2r stin8y pits. 1o2 sme77 7i8e shit:4 she 9ired bac8: r2mmaging thro2gh the cabinet be7ow the sin8. .Bere=s a new raDor.4

I too8 it 9rom her hand and threw it at the garbage can. .Those aren=t mine. 1o2 can throw a77 o9 those b72e ones in the garbage.4 .ListenE I 8now yo2=re h2rting. )nd I a7so 8now yo2=re miserab7e and con92sed. 2t don=t piss me o99 on top o9 itE4 Tammy handed her a c2p. -arie repeated7y 9i77ed it with water and d2mped it on my head to rinse my hair. .I made spaghetti:4 Tammy in9ormed whi7e -arie was he7ping me get dressed. .That=s abo2t a77 the 9ood she has in this apartment. I=77 have to go grocery shopping.4 .Than8s: Tammy:4 -arie said. . 2t I thin8 it=s time that Taryn res2mes her 7i9e. Tonight we=77 >2st re7a; and ma8e s2re she eats and ta8es her medicine. Tomorrow she is going to get o2t o9 this apartment and start p277ing her 7i9e bac8 together.4 -arie tossed a T*shirt 9rom the dresser to me. It was one o9 Ryan=s. .This isn=t mine: it=s his.4 I cast the shirt aside on the bed. .So what3 @2t it on.4 -arie tossed it bac8 to me. .-aybe yo2=77 remember a77 the reasons why yo2 7ove him and used to tr2st him34 The sobbing started again. .I don=t want to remember.4 I threw the 7iar=s shirt at the wa77. .The sooner I can 9orget the better.4 .0oes it sme77 7i8e him34 -arie as8ed: sni99ing the cotton shirt she retrieved 9rom the 97oor. .!o3 /e77 I can 9i; that.4 She too8 his bott7e o9 co7ogne o99 the dresser and spritDed his shirt. Then she spritDed the air a 9ew times: wa9ting the air with her arms. .StopE 0on=t do thatE4 I cried o2t. I didn=t want to dea7 with anything that reminded me o9 him. .Stop what3 Stop remembering the man who 7oves yo23 Stop remembering that he e;ists34 -arie ye77ed. .-arieE4 Tammy bar8ed. .Is that rea77y necessary right now34 .1esE 1es it isE It=s ca77ed Gto2gh 7ove= and she needs to snap her ass bac8 into rea7ity as <2ic87y as possib7eE4 -arie insisted: stabbing her 9inger at me. .Time is o9 the essence here.4 She threw his T*shirt at me. .@2t it on:4 she ordered * a7most a dare. .Ao to he77E4 I spit my words at her.

-arie spritDed his co7ogne in the air again. The sme77 o9 his scent permeated the air: reminding me o9 happier times. .So he7p me Aod: I wi77 8ic8 yo2r ass i9 yo2 do it againE4 I screamed at her. .Ao ahead and tryE 1o2=re so wea8 9rom starving yo2rse79 that a 7ight breeDe co27d b7ow yo2 over:4 she sneered. .@2t on Ryan=s shirt.4 ./hy are yo2 doing this to me34 I cried in my hand. .I 97ew a77 the way down there. I went to the resta2rant that they to7d me to go toE4 I started to hyperventi7ate. .It=s overE I saw itE I saw it with my own eyesE I saw him 7ean over the tab7e to 8iss her and watched as he shoved his tong2e in her mo2thE Right there in a p2b7ic resta2rantE I2st 7i8e Thomas. I2st 7i8e a 92c8ing coward. Be=s a 7iarE )77 those r2mors o9 him cheating on me with that whore were tr2e. /hy are yo2 doing this to me34 I cried again. . eca2se yo2=re wrong and I can prove it:4 -arie sighed. .Come onH p2t a shirt on.4 She 7ed me by the hand to my comp2ter: where my 9riends proceeded to circ7e aro2nd me so I co27dn=t escape. .1o2 need to see these.4 -arie opened an emai7 9rom Ryan. .Is this what yo2 saw34 she <2estioned as she opened the 9i7es attached. The 9irst pict2re was the same view o9 what I saw in that resta2rant window. There was Ryan and La2ren sitting at a tab7e: visib7e 9rom the street. It was 7i8e re7iving the nightmare a77 over again: seeing Ryan 8issing La2ren. The searing pain made me 7oo8 away. ./hat time did yo2 go to this resta2rant: Taryn34 -arie as8ed. ./hy3 /hat di99erence does it ma8e3 0idn=t the cheating bastard want me to see this34 -arie as8ed the same <2estion again: emphasiDing each o9 her words. .I don=t remember. 5o2r: 9o2r*thirty34 The tears were streaming down my chee8s. Tammy was r2bbing my sho27ders tender7y. ./hy did yo2 even go here34 -arie pointed to the screen. .The p7an was 9or yo2 to go 9rom his hote7 to Jey iscayne.4 ) moment o9 tota7 s2rprise s7ipped into my sadness. .Jey iscayne34 I <2estioned her comment. ./hat are yo2 ta78ing abo2t34

.!evermind:4 -arie <2ic87y dismissed. ./ait: how do yo2 8now where I was going when I didn=t even 8now34 I as8ed. -arie ignored my <2estion and tapped her 9ingernai7 bac8 on the image o9 the resta2rant window. .Bow did yo2 8now Ryan was here34 she as8ed a second time. .Someone ca77ed my ce77 and to7d me that I needed to come <2ic87y and see what was going on with my own eyes.4 ./ho ca77ed yo234 -arie=s head whipped aro2nd to 7oo8 at me. .I don=t 8now * some g2y. Be said I needed to 8now the tr2th.4 -arie gave @ete a dread927 7oo8. .0id he give yo2 a name3 /hat did he say e;act7y34 She pressed an;io2s7y 9or answers. .Be didn=t give a name. Be said he was a reporter or something. Be to7d me where Ryan was 6 even gave me the address. I had a cab drive me there.4 .Shit: @eteE Ryan needs to 8now thisE4 -arie 97ashed her eyes bac8 to me. .Taryn: where did yo2 thin8 Ryan was34 .I tho2ght he was going to be at the hote7.4 I wiped my eyes. .Be was on7y sched27ed to 9i7m 2nti7 two o=c7oc8. I tried ca77ing him b2t his voicemai7 pic8ed 2p. I went into the bedroom to 2npac8 and I 9o2nd a 7ove note 9rom La2ren to Ryan.4 -arie bowed her head in disg2st. .I 8now. Ryan 9o2nd the 7etter on the sidewa78 by the cab stand:4 she m2ttered. .Be was p7anning on 7eaving me:4 I sp2ttered. Tears streamed down my chee8s again 9rom the pain o9 his betraya7. .!o: he wasn=tE4 -arie insisted 7o2d7y. .I don=t get it: @ete.4 -arie groaned: <2estioning him with her eyes. .Taryn: I as8ed Ryan point b7an8 i9 he ever cheated on yo2 and he said no: abso72te7y not:4 she stated 9irm7y. I sco99ed. .)nd yo2 be7ieved him34 ./e77: there are other things. I can=t say * I promised. 1es: I be7ieve him.4 .1o2=re rightE 1o2 don=t get itE !one o9 yo2 get itE4 I sho2ted: angry that my 9riends were siding with him. .I saw them having dinner togetherE I read her 7itt7e 7ove 7etter enco2raging him to brea8 2p with me. I 9o2nd the whore=s panties on his bedroom 97oor. I saw him to2ch her and

8iss her with my own eyesE That=s it: it=s overE She can have himE4 -y throat strained 9rom screaming. I had no 9ight 7e9t in me. .T2rns o2t I wasn=t eno2gh a9ter a77.4 Tammy wrapped me in her arms: gent7y trying to sh2sh me whi7e I became more and more hysterica7. I was sha8ing a77 over. .Taryn: come onE 1o2 have to admit this doesn=t so2nd right. I mean how wo27d some reporter 9ind o2t yo2r ce77 phone n2mber34 @ete as8ed. ./hat does it matter34 I sobbed into Tammy=s sho27der. .5ee7 9ree to go down there and brea8 his 9ace.4 .!o wayE !ot 8nowing what we 8now. I agree with -arie. Ryan wo27dn=t 7ie abo2t this * not now. Somebody set yo2 2pH b2t who34 @ete pondered. I g7ared at him. .1eah: s2re. There=s some big conspiracy going on.4 I wiped my eyes. ./hat e7se co27d it possib7y be34 I said sarcastica77y. I didn=t 2nderstand why my 9riends were so g277ib7e. .Taryn: 7oo8 at this pict2re. Is this what yo2 saw34 -arie pointed to my comp2ter screen. .)re those the pict2res he sent to cover his trac8s3 They co27d have been ta8en on any n2mber o9 days.4 .T2rn aro2nd and answer my <2estionE Is this what yo2 saw34 -arie showed me another pict2re. .Simi7ar:4 I m2rm2red. )77 the pict2res she showed me were ta8en 9rom inside the resta2rant. Why are there pi tures of this 2uality from inside the restaurant# .!o: this is e;act7y what yo2 saw. 0o yo2 see that34 -arie pointed to a 7ong: thin b7oc8 at the bottom o9 each pict2re. .Ryan said a77 o9 these are dateQtime stamped as they 9i7m it.4 The date and time matched when I was there. -y birth date was on a77 o9 them. -y p27se <2ic8ened 9rom the shoc8. ./hat=s that34 -arie pointed to something gray at the top o9 the pict2re. It was hard to discern what it was. .I don=t 8now:4 I whispered o2t. .Bow abo2t in this pict2re3 0on=t 7oo8 at him 8issing her.4 -arie covered them with her hand. ./hat is that34 She pointed again to something gray at the top o9 the pict2re. The

e7ongated ova7 shape was more prono2nced. I gasped. -arie t2rned to 7oo8 2p at me. .0o yo2 see it now34 She smi7ed. It was crysta7 c7ear what the gray thing was nowH it was the microphone boom. Ryan was on 7ocation 9i7ming: and the date and time stamps proved it. .!o: b2t why34 -y vision became b72rry and the room started to spin. .She 7e9t noteH I readH wha3 !ot st2pposed be 9i7min.4 ) high*pitched tone started ringing in both o9 my ears and I co27dn=t 9ee7 my 7egs. That=s when the room ti7ted sidewaysH and disappeared. .Taryn34 I heard the 9ami7iar voices 2rgent7y ca77ing my name. Something coo7 and wet was to2ching my 9ace. Something annoying was smac8ing my chee8. .Bey thereE /e7come bac8.4 @ete smi7ed: dabbing my 9ace with a co7d washrag. ./hat34 I tried to sit 2p. ./hat happened34 The room was sti77 spinning s7ight7y. .1o2 b7ac8ed o2t. 1o2=re o8ay. Bere: can yo2 drin8 this34 @ete he7d the c2p to my mo2th. .UghE That tastes aw927E4 I pic8ed a sma77 ch2n8 o9 something grainy o99 o9 my tong2e. .Tammy cr2shed some vitamins into a c2p o9 water. /e need to get some no2rishment into yo2:4 he gent7y spo8e. .It=s either this or we=re going to ta8e yo2 to the emergency room.4 I reached 9or the c2p. .I don=t want to go to the hospita7:4 I m2ttered. .ReportersH4 The ne;t ho2r was spent <2iet7y getting me to eat and drin8: and most important7y 6 to stay ca7m. @arts o9 my trip to 57orida 97ashed thro2gh my tho2ghts: b2t I co27dn=t remember a77 the detai7s 9or some reason. @erhaps my 7ast 9ragments o9 se79*preservation and s2rviva7 s2ppressed the memories deep in my s2bconscio2s to protect me 9rom having a comp7ete menta7 brea8down3 I remembered crying on an airp7ane. I remembered Jy7e he7ping me into a car. .I can=t do this anymore:4 I whispered: staring b7an87y at my bow7 o9 spaghetti. Tammy was sitting in 9ront o9 me on the ottoman. She patted my 7eg. .1o2 need to eat some more: Taryn.4 Tammy n2dged me. .-arie wi77 get to the

bottom o9 it.4 I co27dn=t eat. -arie was 9i77ing Ryan in on my c2rrent state o9 menta7 co77apse. .Stop it: RyanE She is not snea8ing aro2nd with Jy7e behind yo2r bac8E4 -arie groaned angri7y. . eca2se yo2 didn=t see the state she was in when we 9o2nd her: that=s how I=m s2reE .Ryan: what part o9 we had to "i " your bedroom door in to get to her is 2nc7ear to yo23 /e a7most ca77ed 9or an amb27ance 6 she was that badE e7ieve me: Taryn is 9ar 9rom happy and in 7ove with some other g2y right now. 1es: she 8nows I=m ta78ing to yo2. I=m 7oo8ing right at her.4 I sco99ed. ?9 co2rse this wo27d get t2rned aro2nd on meE -y s2pposed in9ide7ity with Jy7e gave him an e;c2se. .RyanE Listen to meE Taryn said she 9o2nd the note in yo2r s2ite: and then right a9ter that someone ca77ed her on her ce77. This mystery ca77er g2y is the one who to7d her where yo2 wereE Be 7ed her to be7ieve yo2 were cheating on her. I mean: how e7se wo27d Taryn be ab7e to 9ind yo2 when yo2 were o2t on 7ocation34 I watched -arie pace the 97oor whi7e she ta78ed to him. .!o: Taryn said he never gave a name. Be to7d her that they were ta8ing pict2res o9 yo2: so I g2ess he was paparaDDi34 She moved the phone away 9rom her ear. I co27d hear Ryan sho2ting. .RyanE Ca7m down: a77 right3 Thin8. /ho e7se has her n2mber34 -arie as8ed. She 7oo8ed at me. .Taryn: do yo2 remember i9 there was a name or n2mber on yo2r ce7734 .!o: there wasn=t:4 I whispered. ./here is yo2r phone34 She grasped the air. .Aet it 9or me.4 I regretted my 9oo7ishness: b2t there was nothing I co27d do to change it. .It=s on a highway in 57orida:4 I admitted. Tammy ro77ed her eyes at me. .Ryan: I=m te77ing yo2: she didn=t 8now yo2 were sti77 9i7mingE /e77: did you tell her that yo2r sched27e changed34 -arie ye77ed bac8 at him. .Be said the morning shoot got p2shed bac8 beca2se La2ren was 9ee7ing sic8 b2t 7ater she 9e7t better so they were behind sched27e when they 9i7med the resta2rant scene:4 she

whispered to me. .Be didn=t get a chance to ca77 beca2se yo2 were a7ready on the p7ane and he was on 7ocation.4 .I g2ess he was in s2ch a h2rry to see her that he 9orgot to throw her 7ove note away34 I m2ttered: thoro2gh7y disg2sted with the 7ies. .)s8 him how 7ong he=s been 92c8ing her.4 -arie gave me a dirty 7oo8 and covered her phone with her hand so Ryan wo27dn=t hear me. .Let him cover his trac8s:4 I said scorn9277y. .Ao ahead and be7ieve him beca2se I s2re don=t.4 -arie groaned. .Ryan: she hasn=t been answering yo2r ca77s beca2se apparent7y she no 7onger has a ce77 phone. .K2it ye77ing in my earE4 she ye77ed bac8 at him. .Stop it: RyanE 1o2 7ove Taryn and Taryn 7oves yo2. She=s a messC yo2=re a mess. 1o2 both need to chi77 o2tE .Ryan: 7isten to the 9actsE 0oes any o9 this so2nd 7ogica7 to either one o9 yo234 -arie spent another twenty min2tes trying to ca7m him down. (vent2a77y: she snapped her phone sh2t. .Be=s going to ca77 bac8.4 /hi7e she ta78ed: my mind co77apsed 9rom the strain. ./hen he ca77s bac8: te77 him he can come and get his shit o2t o9 my apartment: beca2se I=m done with a77 o9 this. I=m done with the 7ies: and the r2mors: and the photographs: and having my boy9riend shove his tong2e in some other gir7=s mo2th when he thin8s I=m not 7oo8ing. It=s over:4 my voice crac8ed. The 9ami7iar pain ripp7ed thro2gh my chest again. .I2st ca7m down. !othing is over. 1o2=re overreacting:4 -arie patroniDed me. .Aet o2t:4 I seethed. .I2st get o2t and ta8e the rest o9 the Ryan 5an C72b with yo2.4 I stormed past her: wishing my bedroom door wasn=t bro8en so I co27d s7am it sh2t. .Tar: don=t be 7i8e this.4 -arie 9o77owed me. .I don=t get it: -arieE I tho2ght yo2 were my best 9riend3 )ren=t yo2 s2pposed to be on my side3 ?r are yo2 so b7inded by worshiping mister actor man that yo2 be7ieve him34 I ye77ed at her. .Ca77 him bac8. I=m s2re he=77 92c8 yo2 too.4 -arie gritted her teeth and be9ore I co27d react: she s7apped me across the 9ace. -y hand covered the sting she 7e9t on my chee8. She smac8ed me hard eno2gh that

my eyes started to water. Tears 9ormed right a9ter that. (veryone I 7oved in this wor7d had >2st betrayed me. .Aet a grip a7ready: damn itE4 -arie screamed at me. .I to7d yo2 that i9 yo2 ever screwed this re7ationship 2p I wo27d 8ic8 yo2r ass myse79. )nd here yo2 are: roya77y screwing 2p the best thing that has ever happened to yo2E Ryan 7oves yo2: yo2 idiotE Be=s not screwing La2renE4 -arie started to pace my bedroom 97oor. Tammy was trying to ho7d me as I sobbed on my bed. .@eteE I=m gonnaHE4 -arie stated emphatica77y: 7osing her patience. .!o: -arie: don=tE4 @ete 72nged 9orward. .Last resortH4 -arie he7d her breath 9or a moment be9ore t2rning her g7are bac8 to me. .I9 yo2 want a 92t2re with that man then yo2 need stop thin8ing this way * immediate7yE 0o yo2 thin8 that Ryan Christensen: the man who has been insane7y in 7ove with yo2 since the 9irst day he met yo2: wo27d do that to yo23 0o yo2 honest7y thin8 he wo27d p2t yo2 on a p7ane: 97y yo2 9irst c7ass to stay in a 72;2ry s2ite so he co27d a identally 7et yo2 see some bog2s 7ove note and brea8 2p with yo234 She gaped at me: waiting 9or my response. I had none. ./hat was waiting 9or yo2 in his hote7 room34 -arie as8ed angri7y. .-arieE4 Tammy ca2tioned. -arie waved her o99. .TarynE4 .!othing.4 I sni99ed. .Beartache and devastationH and some s8an8y ho=s panties.4 -arie groaned. .!o: Taryn. I=m ta78ing abo2t the dresses.4 .?h: yeahH the rest o9 La2ren=s c7othing:4 I m2ttered. .) who7e rac8 o9 her g7amoro2s things. -ore evidence o9 her staying in his room.4 .TarynE4 Tammy sco7ded. .)77 those gowns were 9or yo2E4 I ro77ed my eyes. .I don=t thin8 so. /ait: how do yo2 8now abo2t the dresses34 .Fersace: Fera /ang: Iimmy ChooH so2nd 9ami7iar34 -arie as8ed. .@7ease te77 me yo2 at 7east 7oo8ed at the dressesE4 .I did. I tho2ght I was in the wrong roomC I mean why wo27d Ryan have evening gowns on a rac834 I as8ed. .They were 9or yo2E4 -arie insisted. .Ryan arranged to have a variety o9 dresses

there * he wanted you to have yo2r pic8 o9 what yo2 wo27d wear to dinner.4 I 7oo8ed at -arie: s2rprised that she 8new a77 these detai7s and shoc8ed that the dresses were 9or me. .)nd why do yo2 s2ppose Ryan wo27d want to dress yo2 2p in an e;pensive dress and Iimmy Choos3 So he co27d 7eave yo2 9or La2ren34 -arie shoo8 her head. .Be made a ton o9 arrangementsH4 .-arieE4 Tammy and @ete both ye77ed at the same time. -arie gave them both a reproach927 7oo8 and contin2ed. .To ta8e yo2 on a private: romantic dinner on iscayne ay 9or yo2r birthday:4 she 9inished. I 9e7t my heart 7odge into my throat. -arie cro2ched down in 9ront o9 me. .)77 o9 2s want to see yo2 happy: not miserab7e and bro8en 7i8e this. Ryan is so in 7ove with yo2E4 She smi7ed. .0on=t give 2p on him.4

.Tar: p277 yo2r end over a bit more:4 Tammy as8ed: 9i;ing the c7ean bed sheet on my bed. .-arie: we need one more pi77ow case.4 @ete had gathered overnight bags together and everyone was staying with me. -y 9riends weren=t abo2t to 7eave me a7one. ./e co27d a7ways p7ay cards:4 @ete s2ggested. Be 7oo8ed hope927. .That=s 2p to Taryn:4 Tammy answered. I craw7ed onto my bed and p277ed the <2i7t 2p over my sho27der. .!ot tonight:4 I m2ttered. -arie had her pa>amas on a7ready even tho2gh it was on7y nine thirty. She hopped onto Ryan=s side o9 the bed and t2rned on his bed 7amp. .I=m sorry 9or s7apping yo2.4 She sn2gg7ed behind me: patting my bac8. .1o2 rea77y hit me hard:4 I whispered. .I didn=t mean to.4 -arie so2nded remorse927. .1o2 were getting irrationa7. I hope yo2 9orgive me. I promise I=77 never do it again.4 .That=s what yo2 said when we were 9i9teen and yo2 to7d )dam Ca7dwe77 that I wanted to 8iss him.4 -arie ch2c87ed 7ight7y. ./e77 yo2 didE4

.1eah: b2t the entire baseba77 team didn=t need to hear yo2:4 I groaned. /e both 7a2ghed. .Ryan never ca77ed bac8:4 I said sad7y. .Aive him time:4 she whispered. .Be is >2st as 2pset as yo2 are. Be is trying to 9ig2re o2t who did a77 o9 this and 9i7m a movie at the same time. Be=s cr2shed right now too.4 -arie sighed and 97299ed the pi77ow 2p 2nder her head. .Someone s2re went o2t o9 their way to try and brea8 yo2 two 2p: that=s 9or s2re.4 .I sho27d have never opened that enve7ope on his bed:4 I sighed. .I tho2ght it was a hote7 bi77 or something at 9irst. -aybe i9 I wo27dn=t have seen itH4 I too8 a deep breath. .)h: who am I trying to 8id3 !othing changes the 9act that La2ren wrote the note.4 .Tar: La2ren didn=t write that note. Ryan con9ronted her abo2t it. Be said La2ren=s handwriting didn=t even come c7ose to what was on that paper. (ven -i8e was there to veri9y it.4 I tried to remember what La2ren=s handwriting 7oo8ed 7i8e. I had seen it once on the card that I 9o2nd in the 9ront o9 Ryan=s s2itcase: on the day that Ryan to7d me he wanted to stay with me in the apartment. .So the note was bog2s and Ryan was rea77y 9i7ming34 I as8ed. -y chest was starting to 9ee7 tight again. ./ait: bac8 2p:4 -arie said <2ic87y. ./here was the note again34 ./hen I went to the bedroom: the be77boy had par8ed my s2itcase at the 9oot o9 the bed. The note was on top o9 his bed by my s2itcase.4 .It was on the bed34 -arie as8ed. Ber eyes were a77 scr2nched together as she <2estioned me. .1es.4 I motioned my answer. .)nd the panties were on the 97oor: right ne;t to my s2itcase.4 .I9 yo2 were going to 7eave a note 9or someone who was s2pposed7y sti77 as7eep: wo27dn=t yo2 p2t it where they wo27d see it: 7i8e on a tab7e or the nightstand3 Bow did it get on top o9 the bed34 she as8ed. .I don=t 8now:4 I answered. .)nd it doesn=t change the 9act that there was some gir7=s b7ac8 panties on his 97oor: -arie. -aybe he=s not s7eeping with La2ren: b2t he had some gir7 in his bedroom.4

.TarynE Ryan is not screwing aro2nd on yo2E /as his bed made or was it sti77 s7ept in34 she as8ed. .It was made:4 I said: wondering what her point was. .Bo2se8eeping:4 she said: drawing some conc72sion. )t this point the damage was a7ready done. The on7y thing 7e9t to <2estion was whether the damage was irreparab7e or not. .I=ve been 9ee7ing 7i8e a77 the odds have been stac8ed against 2s 9rom the very beginning:4 I m2ttered. .)s i9 that wasn=t hard eno2gh: 9ate 8eeps throwing Jy7e at me on top o9 it. I9 it wasn=t 9or him: I=d probab7y sti77 be wandering aro2nd in a daDe in the -iami airport.4 .Taryn: what was Jy7e doing in the airport34 .1o2 8now: I as8ed him that on the p7ane. Be said he was there on a >ob b2t his assignment was 9inished. Ryan said he saw Jy7e on one o9 the sets 7ast wee8. Ryan ca77ed Jy7e=s company to have him removed: so Jy7e wasn=t s2pposed to be in -iami anymore. Ryan to7d me that Jy7e was instr2cted by his company to stay away 9rom me.4 .I 8now:4 -arie admitted. -y wide eyes 7oc8ed onto her 9ace. I hadn=t to7d her abo2t Jy7e being in 57orida. That was a 9ight between Ryan and me that I 8ept to myse79. .1o2 8now the paparaDDi too8 yo2r pict2re with him in the airport. That=s why Ryan is so pissed:4 -arie in9ormed ca2tio2s7y. .There are pict2res o9 Jy7e h2gging yo2.4 I threw the covers o99 and h2rried to my comp2ter. @ete and Tammy were in the 7iving room watching S2nday night te7evision. I searched one o9 the on7ine so2rces 9or paparaDDi photos that I 8new o9. It was hard to get past the visco2s head7ines. .?h AodE4 I groaned: viewing pict2res o9 me 7oo8ing 7i8e a drowned rat. .0oes Ryan thin8 I 7oo8 happy to see Jy7e in any o9 these shots34 I st2died the pict2re o9 Jy7e h2gging and conso7ing me. .Loo8: my arms are straight. I=m not even h2gging him bac8. )nd here it 7oo8s 7i8e I=m p2shing him away 9rom me. Bow co27d Ryan even thin8 that I have 9ee7ings 9or this g2y34 .Bow co27d yo2 ever do2bt Ryan=s 7ove 9or yo234 Tammy whispered. .I never do2bted Ryan be9ore: b2t when I saw the 7ove 7etter and the pantiesH and

then got a phone ca77 te77ing me that he was with the other woman at that moment 6 what was I s2pposed to thin834 I retorted. I 7oo8ed bac8 at the pict2res on my comp2ter. ./hen I was on the p7ane to come home: I g2ess I started to agree with Jy7e. Be said that a77 things happen 9or a reason and maybe it was better that a77 this happened now instead o9 having Ryan 7eave me a9ter we=re married and bring chi7dren into this wor7d. That=s 2s2a77y when a77 the ce7ebrity marriages end.4 -arie groaned angri7y. .That s7ic8 bastard.4 I 7oo8ed at a 9ew more pict2res: re7iving the devastation I 9e7t at the time they were ta8en a77 over again. .The note said that he=d 7et this go on 7ong eno2gh. I didn=t 8now what to be7ieve.4 -y 9ingers trai7ed down my comp2ter screen. -arie co27dn=t wait any 7ongerC she p2nched a 9ew 8eys on her ce77 phone. .Ryan: what did yo2 9ind o2t34 I 8new Ryan had -arie=s ce77 n2mberC I never 8new -arie had his. .Bo2se8eeping said there weren=t any 2ndergarments on the 97oor when they made his bed:4 -arie whispered over the phone to me. She in9ormed him abo2t how the be77boy m2st have p2t the note on the bed and her s2spicions abo2t Jy7e=s invo7vement. .Be wants to ta78 to yo2.4 -arie smi7ed: ho7ding o2t her ce77. .Bi:4 I whispered apprehensive7y. I didn=t 8now how he wo27d react to me. .Bi:4 Ryan said so9t7y. .)re yo2 o8ay34 .!o:4 I admittedC the b2rn o9 remorse seeped into my chest. .I tho2ght I 7ost yo2.4 .Tar: BoneyH4 Be breathed heavi7y. ./hy: I mean: how co27d yo2 thin834 Ryan=s voice crac8ed. .I ye77ed 9or yo2. I ran a9ter yo2E4 Bis speech <2ivered. .I didn=t 8now why yo2 7e9t me.4 .The noteH it said yo2 were going to end it with me. I tho2ghtH yo2 and La2ren.4 The tears streamed down my chee8s. .I was going to wait and show it to yo2 and ma8e yo2 te77 me to my 9ace that she was what yo2 wanted: b2t then some man ca77ed and I saw yo2 in the resta2rantH I didn=t 8now yo2 were 9i7mingH I swear I didn=t 8now.4

.So yo2 were going to give 2p3 I2st 7i8e that34 Ryan as8ed. .I9 La2ren is what yo2 need to be happy: what=s the point in 9ighting3 /o27d it ever ma8e a di99erence and change yo2r mind i9 yo2 wanted someone e7se3 I=ve been there be9ore: Ryan. ?nce one person in the re7ationship veers o99 co2rse: there=s nothing that can bring them bac8.4 Be was si7ent. I co27d hear him breathing. Bis 7ac8 o9 conversation 9rightened me even 92rther: b2t I waited. .BowH4 he cho8ed on his words. .Bow can we everH ma8e itH i9 yo2 don=t be7ieve in me34 The ho77ow pain shot bac8 into my chest. Be was veering o99 co2rse. .I do be7ieve in yo2E4 I de9ended. .I do.4 -y words came in p7eading whispers. . 2t how was I to ta8e evidence that stated otherwise34 Ryan=s breathing became 7o2der: 7abored. ./hat happens the ne;t time some 9an sends some b277shit 7etter that yo2 thin8 is rea73 )re we going to be right bac8 in this same spot again34 he snapped angri7y. .!o: we won=t: beca2se reading some 7etter that arrives in the mai7 is a 7ot di99erent than 9inding a 7ove note 9rom yo2r co*star e;*gir79riend and si78 panties that aren=t mine on the 97oor ne;t to yo2r bed in yo2r hote7 room.4 .I=m a9raid now that yo2=77 never be ab7e to tr2st me:4 he m2ttered. I co27d hear it in his voice and I 8new him we77 eno2gh to 8now he was trying to convince himse79 otherwise. .That dependsH4 I 2ttered so9t7y: wiping my tears. .?n what34 .I9 yo2 give me a chance to have a ne;t time:4 I sighed: 9earing his answer. I9 he wanted an o2t: here was his opport2nity. Ryan h299ed in my ear. .I don=t 8now:4 he m2rm2red. .Tar: I=m an actor. This is what I do. I9 yo2 can=t tr2st meH4 I c7osed my eyes as new tears b2rned my 9ace. ./hat abo2t yo234 I as8ed: my tears c7ogged my throat. .)re yo2 going to thin8 I=m having a99airs with other men when yo2=re not aro2nd3 1o2 thin8 I arranged to r2n to the arms o9 that assho7e3 I sti77 don=t remember how I ended 2p at the airport: Ryan.4

I wiped the bac8 o9 my hand across my eyes. .I=ve seen the pict2res o9 me in the termina7. 0o I 7oo8 happy in any o9 them: beca2se I tho2ght they were an acc2rate representation o9 how comp7ete7y devastated I was.4 .I 8now:4 Ryan sighed. .I=m trying to get past the 9act that it=s Jy7e in these pict2res: b2t I can see how torn 2p yo2 are.4 5or a moment: we were both si7ent. I was remembering the a7most catatonic state I was in when those pict2res were ta8en. Ryan was apparent7y 7ogged on to his comp2ter. (ven sti77: one <2estion remained 2nanswered. .I2st te77 me: whose b7ac8 panties were in yo2r bedroom34 I as8ed: care927 not to acc2se him. .Boney: I swear I don=t 8now. I have no idea how they got there: b2t I can te77 yo2 that I=m going to 9ind o2t. I swear to Aod there is no one e7se.4 .1o2 swear34 I as8ed 9or his vow. .?n my 7i9e:4 he con9irmed. .Taryn: yo2 8now that I 7ove yo2: b2t i9 yo2 can=t tr2st me: yo2 have to 7et me 8now now.4 .I want to tr2st yo2: I do. I 7ove yo2 so m2chE4 I bro8e down again. .@7ease: p7easeH >2st 9or one momentH p2t yo2rse79 in my shoes.4 Be breathed heavi7y. ./hy do re7ationships have to be so damn comp7icated34 I tho2ght abo2t every wonder927 moment we spent together and the times when things became di99ic27t. .?2r re7ationship on7y got comp7icated when we a77owed other in972ences to a99ect it. Things were per9ect when we stayed hidden away in o2r apartment.4 Ryan 7a2ghed 7ight7y. I hoped he was pict2ring ho7ding me >2st as m2ch as I was pict2ring being in his arms. .So where do we go 9rom here34 he as8ed. I remembered saying the same 7ine to him once ear7ier in o2r re7ationship when we were at a crossroads. There was on7y one rep7y that 9it. ./e give it a chance:4 I whispered his 7ine bac8 to him.

Chapter 3. $ns4ers

.-y arm 9ee7s strange:4 I m2ttered: r2bbing my hand over the s8in on my 7e9t arm 9or the 9irst time in si; wee8s. .It 7oo8s sma77er too.4 I p277ed my shirt and coat s7eeve bac8 down to sti97e the chi77 I got 9rom the co7d weather. -arie too8 her eyes o99 the road 9or a second and smi7ed at me. )9ter the nightmarish 7ast 9ew days: I was 9ina77y ab7e to start seeing things c7ear7y. .So te77 me 6 how did yo2 8now where Ryan was p7anning on ta8ing me 9or my birthday34 I as8ed: wondering how she was going to avoid answering. -arie had been very care927 with her answers 7ast night: s8irting aro2nd s2b>ects and giving me cryptic rep7ies. She was <2iet 9or a moment. I co27d te77 she was thin8ing abo2t what to say be9ore she said it. .Ryan to7d me so we=d cover the bar whi7e yo2 were gone:4 she rep7ied easi7y. .?h.4 I nodded. Ber rep7y seemed a7most rehearsed. I sensed there was more to it than what she was wi77ing to share: so: whi7e we were on the s2b>ect: I tossed o2t my ne;t <2estion. .)nd how did yo2 and Tammy 8now abo2t the evening gowns34 I stared at her whi7e she drove. She sighed heavi7y. .Ryan as8ed me to veri9y yo2r shoe siDe beca2se he wasn=t s2re i9 yo2 wore a seven or a seven and a ha79. Considering how banged 2p yo2 were: he wanted yo2 to 9ee7 g7amoro2s on yo2r birthday.4 -arie n2dged me in the 7eg. .0o yo2 have any idea how 9rea8ing 72c8y yo2 are34 I tho2ght abo2t her statement. Severa7 reasons 9or me to 9ee7 72c8y came to mind. 5irst and 9oremost was the 9act that the SUF didn=t 8i77 me. She g7anced over when I didn=t answer. .0o yo2 8now what Aary got me 9or my birthday34 .I 8now he too8 yo2 to dinner:4 I remembered. .0idn=t he b2y yo2 a brace7et34

.That was 9or o2r wedding anniversary. !o: 9or my birthday we went to -c0=s and then he too8 me to Cost-art so we co27d get a new air 9i7ter 9or my car. I got a cheeseb2rger and an air 9i7ter: TarynE4 .0id he at 7east change yo2r oi7 too34 I teased. .!oE )nd it too8 him a7most two wee8s to p2t the damn 9i7ter in my carE4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 7a2gh at her. .I te77 ya: that Ryan Christensen is one he77 o9 a romantic g2y:T -arie b72rted: b2t then: very s2dden7y: she appeared to have said too m2ch. ./hat do yo2 mean 6 romantic34 I as8ed: hoping she=d e;p7ain her interpretation o9 the word. .!ah:4 she m2ttered. .I2st the dresses and st299.4 I 9e7t terrib7e 6 Ryan never got to see his p7anning come to 9r2ition. I stared at -arieC there was more to her tho2ghts: b2t she apparent7y had reasons not to share them. .I rea77y b7ew it: h2h34 I m2ttered the obvio2s. -arie shr2gged and shoo8 her head. .I9 yo2 wo27d have on7y stayed in his s2ite 9or 9i9teen more min2tes.4 .?h: now what34 I groaned: wondering what e7se I screwed 2p. .1o2 don=t want to 8now:4 she dismissed. She g7anced over at me <2ic87y: observing my .>2st te77 me a7ready be9ore I 8i77 yo24 9acia7 e;pression. .-asse2se: ma8e2p artist: hair sty7istH Ryan hired a team to pamper yo2:4 -arie 2ttered. .?hH 92c8H4 The word s7ipped thro2gh my 7ips. .1epE4 -arie conc2rred. .Taryn: i9 yo2 want a marriage to s2rvive: yo2 have to be wi77ing to 9ight 9or it:4 she co2nse7ed. .I thin8 I=ve 7earned my 7esson:4 I admitted. .-arie: yo2 8now I=ve been rea77y worried. )9ter the accident and with 7osing the baby: I 8new he was b7aming himse79. @art o9 me sti77 wonders how 7ong we=77 7ast be9ore he moves on to a re7ationship that doesn=t ca2se him pain.4 -arie ro77ed her eyes and groaned. .I wish I co27d be so s2re abo2t things as yo2 a77 appear to be:4 I de9ended my

c2rrent 7eve7 o9 insec2rity. .I9 yo2 on7y 8new:4 she m2ttered 2nder her breath. .?8ayE /hat the he77 is that s2pposed to mean3 I heard yo2 m2mb7e over there: so te77 me a7ready. /hat is it that I obvio2s7y don=t 8now34 .Come on: 7adyE Aas is on the rightE4 -arie comp7ained abo2t the s7ow car in 9ront o9 2s. .-arieE4 I sho2ted. ./hat34 she sho2ted bac8 at me. .Thirteen years we=ve been best 9riends. ThirteenE4 -arie=s phone chimed: saving her 9rom having to answer my <2estion. .Bey: what=s 2p34 she said happi7y. .I=m te77ing yo2: Ryan: I=m wi77ing to bet she to7d Jy7e abo2t yo2r dinner p7ans. I=m s2re that wo27d have set him o99. I=m waiting o2t in the car 9or TarynC she ran into the store 9or bread.4 -arie covered her 7ips with her 9inger so I=d stay <2iet. .She >2st had her cast c2t o99 at the doctor=s and now I=m going to ta8e her 9or a new ce77 phone.4 -arie he7d the phone away 9rom her ear again. Ryan was apparent7y 2pset abo2t something. .Sorry! I didn=t 8now this re<2ired a sec2rity escortE ?8ay: o8ayH4 she said sarcastica77y. .I=77 ma8e s2re she ca77s that big re9rigerator*siDed Iamaa7 g2y 9rom now on. 2t it=s too 7ate now * we=re a7ready o2t. 1o2 8now she won=t go 9or that. 5ine. 5ineE I=77 see what I can do. ?8ayE IeeDE4 -arie dropped her ce77 phone bac8 in her p2rse. .Be can be a rea7 pain in the ass sometimes:4 she m2mb7ed. Things were not ma8ing sense to me. /hy wo27d Jy7e get pissed i9 Ryan too8 me o2t to dinner3 (ven i9 Ryan too8 me to an e;pensive resta2rant: which o9 co2rse he wo27d have: why wo27d that set Jy7e o993 .-arie * what the he77 is going on34 I said in a tone demanding an e;p7anation. She too8 a deep breath. She was si7ent 9or a 7ong time be9ore she answered. .Jy7e was po8ing his nose aro2nd down in 57orida.4 .I 8now that:4 I admitted.

./e77: the part yo2 probab7y don=t 8now is that Jy7e to7d a 9ew peop7e that you as8ed him to go down there. /ord got bac8 to Ryan that yo2 sent Jy7e to see i9 Ryan was cheating on yo2.4 .1o2=ve got to be 8idding meE4 I groaned and r2bbed my 9ace. .1o2 8now I didn=t do that: right3 I swear I had nothing to do with him being there.4 .I 8now. Ryan and I had a 7ong ta78 abo2t it too:4 she admitted. .-i8e chec8ed with his boss at @rotection Services. Jy7e was reassigned immediate7y: b2t instead o9 going on the new assignment he too8 two wee8s o9 persona7 vacation time. That=s when he stayed in 57orida. Jy7e 8new yo2 were coming.4 .I can=t be7ieve Jy7e wo27d do a77 o9 thisE /hat did he thin83 That I wo27dn=t 9ind o2t34 I sho2ted. .Bow convenient that he was in the airport at the right time. Be was probab7y 9o77owing me.4 .Ryan said he saw Jy7e going in and o2t o9 La2ren=s trai7er a 7ot. I wonder i9 she was doing him34 -arie m2sed. .!o wonder Ryan was so mad the other day when I ta78ed to himH Jy7e was going a9ter all o9 his women.4 )n;iety started to ta8e me down again. .-arie: yo2 8now whatH >2st ta8e me home: p7ease.4 .!o: I=m ta8ing yo2 9or a new phone. 1o2 and Ryan need to 8eep in to2ch and wor8 this o2t:4 she stated emphatica77y. ./hy3 I haven=t spo8en to him since 7ast night. 1o2=ve ta78ed to him more than I have. 1o2 8eep saying st299 to me abo2t marriage: hec8: I=77 be 72c8y i9 this re7ationship 7asts another wee8.4 .That=s itE I=ve had eno2gh o9 yo2r negativity. AodE )rgE4 she groaned at me. .)nd yo2 wonder why I s7apped yo2 7ast night. I want to s7ap yo2 again right nowE Taryn: >2st TRUST meE4 she sho2ted as she t2rned the car ignition o99. ./hen we go in there I thin8 yo2 sho27d get a 7og o9 a77 the ca77s made to yo2r n2mber. /e=re going to 9ind o2t >2st who the he77 ca77ed yo2 that day in 57orida:4 -arie said as we wa78ed towards the store. .?h: and Ryan as8ed me to try and convince yo2 to 2se his credit card to pay 9or the new ce77. Be wants to rep7ace it 9or yo2.4 I h299ed as I opened the door. .I don=t thin8 so.4 .0on=t 9ight it. 1o2 need to get 2sed to spending yo2r h2sband=s mi77ions:4 -arie

8idded me. I sco99ed at her comment. -y mind was e7sewhere. .I wonder i9 7aurens boy9riend 8nows that Jy7e was inside her trai7er34 I was thin8ing abo2t La2ren=s 9ide7ity or 7ac8 thereo9 and i9 her boy9riend was pissed. ./hat boy9riend34 -arie as8ed. She stopped wa78ing. .Isn=t she invo7ved with that actor: L2cas an8s3 That=s the g2y she d2mped Ryan 9or: right34 I 9ig2red -arie wo27d be 2p on the 7atest ce7ebrity gossip. -arie drew in a big breath. .Tar: she hasn=t been with L2cas 9or months. La2ren to7d Ryan that she and L2cas were sti77 together and mad7y in 7ove: b2t I >2st sent a 7in8 to Ryan=s phone this morning o9 pict2res o9 L2c and some mode7 8issing in p2b7ic to show him that La2ren has been 7ying.4 ./hy are yo2 sending pict2res34 I 9e7t 7ightheaded again. ./hy does Ryan care abo2t any o9 that34 -y tho2ghts immediate7y ret2rned to visions o9 Ryan and La2ren together. .Ryan and I both thin8 that Jy7e didn=t act a7one in this. I thin8 La2ren wanted yo2 o2t o9 the way so she co27d get bac8 with Ryan:4 she said <2iet7y. The o7d: 9ami7iar b2rning 9ee7ing entered bac8 into my chest. The min2te we ret2rned to my apartment: -arie went right to wor8: ana7yDing my ce77 phone history and ma8ing phone ca77s. .This is going to be harder than I tho2ght:4 she groaned. .C2stomer Service is te77ing me that this n2mber is a payphone in -iami.4 She drew another circ7e aro2nd the n2mbers on my ce77 phone ca77 7og and then dropped the pen onto my 8itchen tab7e. .I g2ess I sho27d ca77 Aary. )re yo2 9ee7ing 2p to p7aying po8er tonight3 It=s o8ay i9 yo2=re notH4 she trai7ed. .1eah: I=m 9ee7ing 2p to it:4 I answered with a 9irm nod. .I need to get bac8 into my 9ami7iar ro2tine.4 .AoodE ?8ay then:4 -arie said as she stood 2p 9rom the tab7e. She 7oo8ed at her watch and grabbed her coat. .0o yo2 sme77 that3 /hatever Tammy is ba8ing down there sme77s 9antasticE4 .I 8nowE Let=s go beg 9or samp7esE4 I snic8ered.

I decided to stay in the 8itchen with Tammy a9ter -arie 7e9t. Tammy pointed to a tray on the 7arge coo7ing rac8. .1o2 can have one o9 those too: i9 yo2=d 7i8e. I made e;tra.4 I was eyeing the choco7ate*dipped strawberries when my doorbe77 rang severa7 times in a row. -arie had >2st 7e9t a 9ew min2tes agoC I wondered why she didn=t 7et herse79 bac8 in thro2gh the 8itchen door. ./hat did yo2 9orget34 I ch2c87ed: opening 2p my new bac8 door to my apartment. -y smi7e instant7y 9aded to shoc8 and panic when my eyes ca2ght sight o9 Jy7e. I 7eaned hard into the door: trying to c7ose it as <2ic87y as I had opened it: b2t Jy7e shoved his heavy b7ac8 boot in the doorway. .Taryn: p7easeE I2st hear me o2tE4 Jy7e p7eaded. Bis 9ingers were wrapped aro2nd the edge: p2shing the door open. I 7eaned a77 my weight into the door: b2t it was 2se7ess to 9ight him. Be was so m2ch stronger then I was. -y p7anted 9eet s7id 2nrestricted on the smooth 97ooring. .!oE4 I ye77ed. .I2st go away and 7eave me a7oneE4 Jy7e gave the door a good shove and it c7oc8ed me right in the 9orehead. I staggered bac8 a step whi7e sti77 trying to maintain my ho7d on the door to b7oc8 his entry. .Taryn: come on. I >2st want to ta78 to yo2H give me a chance to e;p7ain.4 -ost o9 his body was a7ready thro2gh the doorway. Be shoved the door again: more 9orce9277y this time: tossing me 7i8e a ragdo77 into the wa77 behind me. I <2ic87y righted myse79 and 72nged 9or the opposing door to the 8itchen as my ne;t means o9 escape. I managed to grab the door8nob b2t Jy7e was <2ic8er. Bis hand wrapped aro2nd mine tight7y: preventing me 9rom twisting the 8nob. Be 2sed his body to cram me into the door9rame: trapping me in p7ace. I 8ic8ed the bottom o9 the door with my 9oot. .@7ease don=t h2rt me:4 I begged: p7eading 9or my 7i9e. The grip he had on my hand was a7ready sending messages o9 pain. .I=m not going to h2rt yo2:4 he whispered in my ear: ch2c87ing s7ight7y 9rom my 9ear. .I2st don=t do anything st2pid: o8ayH Taryn34 I 9e7t the door8nob >igg7e s7ight7y. I hoped Tammy wo27d r2n 9or he7p instead o9 trying to resc2e me. I didn=t want Jy7e to have two hostages. I was abso72te7y petri9ied: 9earing he was going to harm me: or worse * 8i77 me. Bis

aggressive stance and the way he breathed hard on my nec8 terri9ied me. I nodded <2ic87y. It was the on7y response I co27d give. .1o2 don=t mind i9 I chec8 yo2 9or weapons: do yo234 he said: s7ight7y am2sed: ta8ing the 7iberty to pat the 9ront and bac8 poc8ets o9 my >eans. .I=d hate 7i8e he77 to get maced today.4 -y poc8ets were 2n9ort2nate7y empty. Jy7e appeared to be p7eased with that reve7ation: a7most en>oying the 9act that he ca2ght me 2narmed and comp7ete7y he7p7ess. I 9e7t 7i8e the doomed rabbit: ca2ght by my 2n72c8y 9oot in the big bear trap. -y mind started to ro77 in 9ast 9orward: trying to remember the se79*de9ense moves he once to7d me abo2t. Bis 8nee was pressed into my 7eg: ho7ding me o99 ba7ance. ,ould I stamp on his foot and then elbow him in the nose# *ust give me some spa e and Im going to "i " you right in the balls, you son+of+a+bit h! .1o2 don=t need to be a9raid o9 meE4 Be 7a2ghed: 7essening the press2re o9 his 9ingers on mine: b2t sti77 not 7etting me go. .Sweetheart: I=d never h2rt yo2. I=m >2st worried that yo2 might try to h2rt me.4 .Let go o9 me and we=77 9ind o2t:4 I rep7ied: a hard edge accompanied my tone. .5eistyE4 Jy7e snic8ered in my ear. .Bow abo2t yo2 7et go o9 the door so we can ta7834 ./hat do yo2 want to ta78 abo2t34 I breathed into the wood mo7ding: sti77 2nab7e to move. -y eyes g7anced: noticing the g7owing green b2ttons on the sec2rity system 8eypad. I was pretty s2re I co27d hit the po7ice ca77 b2tton be9ore he wo27d be ab7e to stop me. -y 9ingers were on7y a 9ew inches away 9rom it. .I came here to te77 yo2 that we ca2ght )nge7ica. She was pic8ed 2p in 57orida and is being e;tradited bac8 to Rhode Is7and on a bench warrant. aby: she=s in po7ice c2stody now: so yo2 don=t have to worry anymore.4 ) tinge o9 rev27sion ebbed 2p my spine when he ca77ed me .baby.4 Jy7e eased 2p s7ight7y on pressing me into the door. Be e99ort7ess7y pee7ed my straining: c7enched hand o99 o9 the door8nob. .1o2 can re7a; now:4 he said reass2ring7y: obvio2s7y p7eased with himse79. .I to7d yo2 I wo27d get her and I didE 1o2=re sa9e now.4 .)m I34 I whisperedC tears o9 9right were dripping down my 9ace. I 9e7t so 9ragi7e in

his gripC it wo27d on7y ta8e one <2ic8 twist and he co27d easi7y re*brea8 my 7e9t wrist that he now he7d in his power927 hand. .Sweetheart: I wo27d never h2rt yo2. 1o2 have to be7ieve me:4 he said so9t7y: resting his 9orehead on my sho27der. .Taryn: I had nothing to do with what happened to yo2 in 57orida:4 he said smooth7y: convincing7y. .I was there beca2se )nge7ica 9o77owed yo2 to -iami. /hy do yo2 thin8 I was in the airport3 -y spotters 7ost trac8 o9 her 9or a 9ew ho2rs: so I made s2re yo2 were protected at a77 times.4 -y breath hitched. Jy7e was s2ch a manip27ator. .She=s rea77y in >ai734 I whispered: as8ing 9or con9irmation that my first sta78er was 7oc8ed 2p 9rom my se ond sta78er that now he7d me captive. .1es:4 he said so9t7y in my ear. .She can=t h2rt yo2 anymore.4 ./hat abo2t yo234 I as8ed: my breath st2ttering 9rom 9ear. Jy7e sco99ed in my ear. .I=m not the one who bro8e yo2r heart. Be did that a77 on his own:4 he groaned and too8 a 9ew steps bac8: 9ina77y re7easing me. I t2rned s7ight7y to 7oo8 at him. I was wondering i9 he=d be ab7e to 7oo8 me in the eyes whi7e he spewed his 7ies. I 9o2nd myse79 shi9ting 9rom 9ear to anger. .So which one o9 yo2 came 2p with the panties idea3 /as it yo2 or La2ren who tho2ght that one 2p34 I as8ed angri7y as I r2bbed my throbbing wrist. .It was a nice to2ch: act2a77y. I didn=t chec8 the wastebas8ets: b2t I=m pretty s2re I wo27d have 9o2nd a 2sed condom 7ying o2t in the open tooH am I right34 .There yo2 go: >2mping to conc72sions again:4 he said emphatica77y. .Bow m2ch did yo2 pay the be77boy to de7iver it3 I hope yo2 paid him we77 to be part o9 yo2r devio2s p7an: or am I to be7ieve that La2ren masterminded the who7e thing34 Jy7e stared at me incred27o2s7y: 7i8e I was craDy. .So yo2=re te77ing me that pretty boy was ca2ght red*handed with some other chic8=s 2nderwear 7aying abo2t and yet he sti77 managed to convince yo2 that he didnt 92c8 aro2nd on yo234 he as8ed: 7a2ghing s7ight7y whi7e <2estioning my sanity. . oy: are yo2 g277ib7eE4 I 7oo8ed down at the garnet ring that Ryan had p7aced on my 9inger: remembering the words he had engraved inside it 6 .-y heart is yo2rs.4 I became 92rio2s 9or a77owing myse79 to 9a77 victim to Jy7e=s 2nderhanded p7an.

.Ryan 7oves me:4 I said in de9ense whi7e random memories and di99erent voices 97ashed thro2gh my tho2ghts. Taryn, youre the one he wants to'4 there are other things I ant say / yes, I believe him4 better that all this happened now instead of having 8yan leave you after youre'4 if you only "new'4 get used to spending your husbands' .Ryan was going to propose to me:4 I whispered o2t: 9ina77y rea7iDing what everyone had been 8eeping secret. .1o2 9o2nd o2t he was going to propose: didn=t yo234 -y eyes 7oc8ed on Jy7e=s: watching his reaction. Jy7e=s 7ips p2rsed together. I obvio2s7y hit a nerve. .Ryan to7d La2ren: thin8ing it was sa9e to te77 her abo2t his p7ans since she was a7ready in a committed re7ationshipH and La2ren to7d yo2E That=s why Ryan wants proo9 that La2ren 7ied abo2t sti77 being with L2casE4 It was a77 ma8ing sense now. Jy7e 9rowned. I co27d see the e;pression change on his 9ace as he switched tactics. .I don=t give a shit abo2t themE I on7y care abo2t yo2. There is something here: TarynE4 Be gest2red between 2s. .It=s power927: and I 8now that yo2 9ee7 it too. I2st give me a chance to ta8e care o9 yo2H to 7ove yo2 7i8e yo2 deserve to be 7oved and have a norma7 7i9e witho2t a77 the p2b7ic scr2tiny: maybe even raise a 9ami7y. 1o2=re 8ind and caring: smart and strongH4 .?h: c2t the b277shit: Jy7e. 1o2 8newE 0idn=t yo23 I2st 92c8ing admit itE4 I ye77ed at him. .)dmit that I 8new what3 That Christensen is a77 wrong 9or yo23 Bow being invo7ved with someone in a di99erent 7eag2e 2nnecessari7y ris8s yo2r 7i9e every 92c8ing day3 0o yo2 8now how m2ch it pains me to see the woman I 7ove wasting her e99orts on some s7eaDy: two*bit actor34 -y mo2th dropped open 9rom his admission. .There: I said it. !ow yo2 8now:4 he 2ttered in de9eat. .I=m in 7ove with yo2: Taryn.4 Jy7e too8 one step 9orward: b2t I he7d my hands 2p to stop him be9ore he got any c7oser. I was shoc8ed. Bow co27d Jy7e possib7y be so in 7ove me3 /e never spent any <2a7ity time together: getting to 8now one another on any deeper 7eve7s. ?2r re7ationship was so s2per9icia7: we were bare7y even 9riends.

There was an attraction: b2t it was p2re7y physica7 6 at 7east it was 9or me anyway 6 and we never acted on it. <They s ream that they love me' how ould they even say that#: I heard Ryan=s voice say. Jy7e was >2st as pathetic as some o9 Ryan=s 9ans. .1o2 don=t 7ove me: Jy7e:4 I said so9t7y. .0on=t te77 me how I 9ee7E4 he sho2ted angri7y. .1o2 don=t rea77y want the shiny toy 6 yo2 >2st don=t want the other boy to have the shiny toy:4 I conc72ded. .1o2=re >ea7o2s and angry that someone 7i8e Ryan wo27d 9ish in the same pond as yo2.4 .1o2 don=t be7ong in that wor7d: TarynE I9 yo2 tr27y be7ieved yo2 did: yo2 wo27d have never 7e9t 57oridaE 2t yo2 wa78ed away: devastated: beca2se deep down inside yo2 8now how easi7y yo2 can be rep7acedE4 he said irate7y: pointing his inde; 9inger at me. .I=ve had 2nemp7oyed 7osers easi7y rep7ace me with strippers: Jy7eE Ryan=s career choice has nothing to do with thisE esides: whether Ryan is sti77 in the pict2re or not: it wo27dn=t matter.4 Jy7e=s eyes narrowed: con92sed by my direction. .I=ve s2bmitted the driving directions yo2 wrote 9or me and the 7etter I 9o2nd in Ryan=s hote7 room to a handwriting e;pert:4 I in9ormed. .That a7ong with the threat 7etters I got in the mai7 were a77 e;press*mai7ed this morning.4 I was getting better at this .acting4 thing. I a7most be7ieved myselfE .1o2 sti77 thin8 I wrote them3 0oesn=t matterC they won=t match 2p:4 Jy7e snide7y remar8ed. Bis rep7y was too con9ident. It was as tho2gh he was prepared to have to answer this acc2sation event2a77y. .1o2 can d2st them 9or prints too. 1o2 won=t 9ind mine.4 ./hy3 Is it beca2se yo2 charmed some 2nwitting gir7s to do yo2r dirty wor834 I probed. .I had nothing to do with that 7ove note or any 7etters 9or that matterE4 he bar8ed. I had never to7d Jy7e abo2t the 7etter I 9o2nd in Ryan=s hote7 room 2nti7 now. Bow did he 8now it was a 7ove note3 I smi7ed. .1o2 co27dn=t 9ind any dirt on him: co27d yo23 That wee8 yo2 were there po8ing yo2r nose aro2nd 6 yo2 came 2p empty*handedE Ryan has been comp7ete7y 9aith927 to me: and when yo2 co27dn=t 9ind any evidence: yo2 9abricated yo2r own.4 Jy7e sco99ed. .-aybe i9 yo2=d bother to open yo2r eyes 9or two seconds and 7oo8 at

rea7ity: yo2=d see that actors never stay in re7ationships 9or very 7ong. They trade 2p every chance they get. The way I see it: things co27dn=t have happened at a better time. 1o2 needed a wa8e*2p ca77 to see how things rea77y are.4 .1o2=re incorrigib7eE4 I be77owed. .1o2 thin8 that someone 7i8e Christensen is going to stay with yo2 9or the ne;t 9orty years3 I high7y do2bt it. There were so many hot women wa78ing aro2nd down there on his movie setH he may be strong eno2gh to resist now ear7y on in this thing: b2t give it time and he=77 cave. 1o2 sho27d be happy that yo2 didn=t waste a 7ot o9 time on him * save yo2rse79 9rom 92rther h2mi7iation when he d2mps yo2 9or one o9 his own 8ind.4 I stared b7an87y at him 9or a 9ew min2tes whi7e I concocted my ne;t p7an. .1o2=re right: Jy7e. 1o2=re abso72te7y right:4 I sni99ed: pretending to 9ina77y give 2p hope and 9a8ing s2dden e;treme sadness. I 7eaned 2p on the wa77. .I=ve been de72ding myse79 to thin8 that I co27d have a 92t2re with Ryan. Bow co27d I be so naVve3 La2ren is gorgeo2s. I can=t compete with her.4 I wiped my eyes: hoping my acting was ?scar*worthy. .I=m going to end it:4 I m2rm2red: nodding to con9irm my decision. .Then I won=t be in La2ren=s way anymore and I won=t get my heart bro8en again.4 I too8 an embe77ished: st2ttering breath. .I=m not even c7ose to being in the same 7eag2e. La2ren is so m2ch more sophisticated and c27t2red than I am. She=s a 9amo2s ce7ebrity and I=mH nothing:4 I said sad7y: p7aying 2p my se79*deprecation. .) nobody 9rom Seaport.4 I inconspic2o2s7y p7aced myse79 ne;t to the sec2rity 8eypad as I contin2ed my dramatic per9ormance. .I can=t b7ame any man 9or not being ab7e to resist her. 1o2=re rightH Ryan wi77 be better o99 with her. I rea7iDe that now. La2ren 8nows what it ta8es to have a high*pro9i7e re7ationship. She=s probab7y a m2ch better 7over than I am too:4 I said: acting comp7ete7y de>ected. Jy7e sco99ed. .I=ve had better:4 he m2ttered. )s soon as the words s7ipped 9rom his mo2th: he rea7iDed he had made a 9ata7 mista8e. . abe: yo2 are so m2ch more desirab7e than she isE 0on=t ever p2t yo2rse79 down 7i8e that:4 he enco2raged: approaching me s7ow7y.

.Stop:4 I breathed o2t: ordering him to stay where he was. .I "now I=m better than she is: a9ter a77: yo2 >2st con9irmed that she=s nothing more than a manip27ative whore. I=m s2rprised yo2 two aren=t mad7y in 7ove with each other: considering that yo2 are so m2ch a7i8eE4 .TarynE4 he be77owed: ta8ing another step. .0on=t come any c7oserE )77 I have to do is tap it and the po7ice wi77 come immediate7y:4 I in9ormed con9ident7y: my inde; 9inger hovered over the i772minated b2tton on the sec2rity 8eypad. .5orced entry: the br2ise on my 9orehead 9rom when yo2 hit me with the door: a 9ew tears and yo2=77 be handc299ed in no time. Can yo2 sti77 be a bodyg2ard with a po7ice record34 .Taryn: p7ease: don=tE It was an accidentE I=77 7ose my >obE4 he p7eaded. .That didn=t seem to concern yo2 whi7e yo2 were 92c8ing La2ren in her trai7er or convenient7y waiting to resc2e me in -iamiE4 .I2st ho7d on: a77 right34 Jy7e re<2ested 2rgent7y. .I=m done ho7ding onE Start ta78ing or so he7p me I=m going to press itE4 I threatened. .She came on to me 6 not the other way aro2nd:4 he in9ormed: ho7ding o2t a ca2tioning hand to 8eep me 9rom being hasty and pressing the b2tton. .1o2=re s2ch a 7iarE4 I said moc8ing7y. .I=m te77ing yo2 the tr2thE /e had a 9ew drin8s. She threw herse79 at meE4 I 7a2ghed. .)nd o9 co2rse yo2 too8 her 2p on her o99erE 1o2r 9ina7 gest2re to Ryan to ma8e s2re that i9 he did ta8e her bac8: he got her bac8H 2sed.4 I heard my 9ront door openC it was easy to disting2ish s2bt7e so2nds in my home. .)nd the 7etter34 I be77owed. .The 7etter was her idea: not mine. She p7anned it. I2st don=tH4 .I=m s2re yo2 can r2n be9ore the cops get here: b2t where wo27d yo2 r2n to3 I=77 petition the co2rt to grant a @5) order on yo2. It probab7y won=t ta8e more than an ho2r or so: a9ter a77: this was assa27t:4 I m2sed: r2bbing the tender spot on my 9orehead. .I wonder what a protection order wo27d do to yo2r career.4 .?8ay: o8ayE I2st don=t:4 Jy7e begged. .I can=t have a record. I=77 7ose everything. aby: p7easeH4

.I=m not yo2r babyE4 I 9irm7y stated. .Jy7e: how co27d yo2 ever thin8 we=d be ab7e to have a hea7thy re7ationship with yo2 h2rting me 7i8e this34 .I 7ove yo2: TarynE (verything I did: I did o2t o9 7oveE I >2st co27dn=t stand id7y by and watch him destroy yo2E It was 8i77ing meE4 .This isn=t 7ove: this is sic8ness. 1o2 destroyed me: Jy7e. !ot Ryan. 1o2E 1o2 ripped my heart o2tE4 I screamed at him. .I never meant to h2rt yo2E4 he said with conviction. .Taryn: are yo2 a77 right34 @ete ye77ed 9rom the other side o9 the door. .1es:4 I <2ic87y rep7ied: watching s2rprise and shoc8 coat Jy7e=s 9ace. .The po7ice are on their way. Is he armed34 @ete as8ed. I co27d hear the sirens. Jy7e=s eyes widened with 9ear. .!o:4 he 2ttered. .Be says he=s not armed:4 I ye77ed bac8 to my 9riends. @ete p7owed the door openC he had my baseba77 bat in his hand: ready to swing. -arie was right behind him. .1o2 >2st 8eep away 9rom herE4 @ete threatened: waving the bat at Jy7e. .I=m not going to h2rt her.4 Jy7e=s derisive in97ection was noticeab7e. -arie tried to p277 me o2t o9 the ha77way and into the 8itchen 6 to sa9ety: I pres2med. .TarynE4 Jy7e ca77ed o2t. .@7ease3 I=m sorryE I can=t go to >ai7E4 ./e77 yo2 sho27d have tho2ght abo2t that a 7ong time agoE4 @ete ye77ed angri7y. I to2ched @ete=s sho27der to ca7m him. .Jy7e: I=m sorry too: b2t I >2st don=t tr2st yo2. I9 I 7et yo2 go 9ree: then what=s to 8eep yo2 9rom coming bac8 and starting this crap a77 over again3 1o2 8now I don=t 9ee7 the same way abo2t yo2: b2t yet here yo2 are... againE4 .I=77 stay away. I promiseE I=77 7eave yo2 a7one and never bother yo2 again. I swearE4 Jy7e=s p7eading was 2rgent. Be 8new his time was r2nning o2t. The po7ice sirens were in the a77ey. I had to ma8e a decision: <2ic87y.

.So what happened then34 Ryan as8ed. .The po7ice too8 o2r statements. They carted Jy7e o2t to the patro7 car rea7 9as.

Ryan: I to7d the po7ice that I didn=t want to press charges.4 .1o2 mean to te77 me a9ter a77 the b277shit that bastard p2t 2s thro2gh: yo2 >2st 7et the son*o9*a*bitch wa7834 he ye77ed in my ear. .1es:4 I said somber7y. I 8new Ryan 9e7t comp7ete7y 7e9t down. Be h299ed in my ear. . e honest with me: p7ease. 0o yo2 have 9ee7ings 9or him3 I2st te77 me.4 .$o: Ryan. I don=t. 2t I >2st co27dn=t send him to prison.4 I co27d not condemn a man to that 9ate 9or simp7y wanting me. .I didn=t press charges beca2se I was a9raid:4 I contin2ed s7ow7y. .I was a9raid that i9 I destroyed his 7i9e: he might come a9ter 2s one day with a vengeance. Be wa78ed away a 9ree manC he has no reason to ever reta7iate. It=s over:4 I sighed. Ryan was si7ent. I co27d hear him breathing hardC he was stewing. I 8new he wanted Jy7e to pay dear7y 9or every wrong he ever did to 2s: b2t in my mind: two wrongs never made a right. .Ryan34 I ca77ed o2t to him: hoping to ca7m him so we co27d ta78 this o2t. ./hat34 he as8ed in his irritated: short tone. .)9ter a77 o9 this: I can=t have yo2 mad at me too:4 I to7d him: my words were more o9 a p7ea. .I=veH4 he stammered. .I=ve got to go:4 he in9ormed grim7y. .Ryan34 I breathed o2t. .I need some time to thin8:4 he rep7ied co7d7y. Bis gears that were once so easy 9or me to switch s2dden7y 9e7t sti99: 2nmoving 2nder my in972ence. .?8ay:4 I whispered as the b2rn o9 heartbrea8 s7ipped 2p my throat. I s72mped down into my chair at the big: ro2nd tab7e. -y 9riends a77 7oo8ed at me: con92sed as to why I was s2dden7y 9a77ing apart again a9ter spea8ing to Ryan. -arie=s perp7e;ed g7are t2rned to anger. She p277ed her phone o2t o9 her poc8et and I 8new >2st by her e;pression that she was p7anning on ca77ing Ryan and reading him the riot act. .0on=t:4 I protested: wiping my eyes on a -itche77=s nap8in.

-y heart crac8ed wider when two who7e days passed and I sti77 had not ta78ed to Ryan. I didn=t ca77 him eitherC part o9 me was death7y a9raid to have my worst 9ear va7idated. 0enia7 was a sa9er option: sa9er than the tr2th. ?ther than the two and a ha79 days I spent in the pit o9 dar8ness a9ter ret2rning 9rom 57orida: this was the 7ongest we had ever gone witho2t spea8ing. Ryan did manage to send me a te;t message: b2t it was short. I 8new he was sti77 in -iami 9i7ming the 7ast scenes o9 Thousand Miles and that they were attempting to wrap 9i7ming this wee8. Be was wor8ing 9i9teen*ho2r days. I co27d on7y imagine how 2ncom9ortab7e things m2st be 9or him to 9i7m with La2renH to pretend: to act in 9ront o9 the cameras that he was in 7ove with this woman who so insidio2s7y tried to destroy o2r re7ationship. The devastation 9rom my disastro2s trip to 57orida 7ingered in my heart and every day it became more and more 2nbearab7e. I contin2ed to beat myse79 2p every spare moment I had 9or being 9oo7ish and g277ib7e and 9or do2bting Ryan=s 9aith927ness. Bad I scarred him so deep7y that 9orgiveness was no 7onger an option3 @art o9 me co27dn=t b7ame Ryan 9or being angry with me: a9ter a77: how co27d o2r re7ationship s2rvive i9 I didn=t show him I co27d tr2st him3 2t there were moments when he <2estioned my 9aith927ness too: so why sho27d I 9ee7 so7e7y responsib7e 9or the c2rrent state o9 misery I was e;isting in3 )nd what abo2t that 7eggy bitch down in 57orida who sti77 gets to en>oy Ryan=s 7ips on hers3 0id La2ren have an o2nce o9 remorse in her 9a8e*breasted so273 Tears s7ipped 9rom my eyes as I tapped a pitcher o9 beer 9or a waiting c2stomer. I tho2ght abo2t a77 the prob7ems Ryan was dea7ing with 6 the tro2b7es with S2Danne: and 0avid: and the st2dio peop7e: and La2ren: and Jy7e: and 7osing an 2nborn babyH a77 these things that ca2sed him pain had one common denominator 6 me. .Taryn34 -arie reached 9or me: <2estioning my sadness. I set the pitcher down on the bar and waved my hand to dismiss her attempt to conso7e me. I co27dn=t do this anymore to himH or me. Tammy stopped me as I h2rried thro2gh the 8itchen: grabbing me by the arm be9ore I

got thro2gh my door. -y 8ey was sti77 st2c8 in the door8nob. She wrapped me in a tender h2g as the magnit2de o9 my overwhe7ming grie9 reached its 9ina7 pea8 and crashed down on me. -y 8nees b2c87ed and I dropped to the 97oor: covering my 9ace with my hands. There was on7y one option 7e9t 9or meH I had to 7et Ryan go.

Chapter 3/ !hat o you sayD

I watched -arie o2t o9 the corner o9 my eye as she answered her ce77 phone again whi7e ma8ing a mi;ed drin8 9or a waiting c2stomer. Aary had been ca77ing her at wor8 these 7ast 9ew days: which was very o2t o9 character 9or him. Aary was never m2ch o9 a ta78er: so I was s2rprised at how o9ten he ca77ed. I gathered thro2gh the bits and pieces o9 conversation that they were ma8ing p7ans 9or a 9ami7y get*togetherC it so2nded 7i8e severa7 peop7e were 97ying in 9rom o2t o9 town. -arie seemed stressed: o9ten getting angry with him when they spo8e. She wo27d become testy and then r2n o99 to the 8itchen to ye77 at him in private. I didn=t as8 what the prob7ems were nor did I pay any partic27ar attention to her persona7 b2siness. The part o9 my so27 that died 7ast Th2rsday on a p7ane bac8 9rom 57orida >2st didn=t care m2ch abo2t anything 7ate7y. Ryan 9ina77y ca77ed me 5riday morning: b2t o2r conversation was aw8ward: 7i8e he ca77ed me >2st to be nice. I wasn=t s2re by the tone o9 his words i9 we were headed 9or the o99icia7 brea82p or i9 he ca77ed me >2st beca2se he 9e7t he had to. It didn=t he7p my emotiona7 stabi7ity that we on7y ta78ed abo2t how b2sy he was. .!oE It=s >2st not a good time right now:4 he had st2ttered strange7y into the phone when I o99ered to get on a p7ane and 97y to see him. Ryan said he had >2st arrived in L.). and was going thro2gh 9ina7 9ittings 9or his wardrobe 9or Slip"not. Be had photo shoots and interviews: and the press to2r 9or the premier o9 8eparation was a7so >2st a 9ew days away. Rehearsa7s and 9i7ming in Fanco2ver wo27d start immediate7y a9ter that. Be was a7so sched27ed to start training since his character was s2pposed to be a roc8 c7imber. I wo27d have 97own aro2nd the wor7d ten times i9 I 8new I=d end 2p in his arms at the end: b2t he didn=t want me to. .-y sched27e is >2st craDy right now. I donLt 8now when I=77 be ab7e to see yo2 even

i9 yo2 did 97y o2t:4 he had said: contin2ing his reasons why he didn=t want me to get on a p7ane. .0onLt get me wrong: I want to see yo2: it=s >2stH bad timing.4 &ad timingH this 9rom the man who 2sed to snea8 o99 set to ca77 and te;t me co2nt7ess times a day now a77 o9 a s2dden didn=t have time 9or me. Bow <2ic87y things change. I a7most ca77ed him bac8 to as8 i9 he sti77 wanted meH i9 he co27d sti77 7ove me 7i8e he once didH b2t I co27dn=t do it. I was a9raid i9 I p2shed: his answer wo27d be .no.4 I remembered the so7emn vow I made to him severa7 months ago when we were on my roo9top * I wo27d never brea8 2p with him * ever. I intended to 8eep that vow. I9 o2r re7ationship was over: he=d have to be the one to say the words o2t 7o2d.

The bar was 9air7y crowded 9or a Sat2rday night. I went thro2gh the motions: mi;ing drin8s and waiting on c2stomers: b2t inside I was n2mb: 7i9e7ess. I dried my wet hands on my bar towe7: ta8ing a moment to ad>2st the garnet ring I sti77 wore on my right hand * 7i8e it was a magic 7in8 to the on7y man I had ever tr27y 7oved. I had been thro2gh so m2ch in the si; months since Ryan and I started dating: it was a mirac7e that I s2rvived. 2t it didn=t matter. Right now I wo27d have wa78ed thro2gh hot coa7s and b7istering 9ire to be with him again. .There=s something to ma8e any gir7 smi7eE4 -arie said 7o2d7y. I 9e7t my dead heart th2mp in my chest. I <2ic87y 7oo8ed in her direction: aching 9or the one 9ace that wo27d bring the s2nshine bac8 into my wor7d. To my dismay: @hi7 the 5ireman was 7eaning on the bar. Be was s<2eeDed in between two c2stomers who were trying to have a conversation aro2nd him. -y si77y hopes were 9or na2ght. I co27d 9ee7 that the 9ina7 ending: that e;piration date I had 9eared so tremendo2s7y: was a mere moment away. .Bi TarynE4 @hi7 greeted me. Bis broad smi7e wavered when he noticed I didn=t ret2rn his enth2siasm. .Bi @hi7:4 I said g72m7y. I tried to ma8e myse79 smi7e. I 9e7t 7i8e s2ch a hypocrite. .Taryn: I need a new bott7e o9: 2m: Iac8:4 Cory as8ed: snapping his 9ingers impatient7y at me. .5ast.4

I co27d have sworn that I p2t a new bott7e o2t ear7ier: b2t then again I hadn=t been paying m2ch attention to detai7s nor did I care to <2estion it. I was 2n7oc8ing the bac8 bar 7ower cabinet to get a new bott7e 9or him when -arie bac8ed 2p and stood at my side. .Taryn: there=s someone here to see yo2:4 she said aw8ward7y. -y p27se <2ic8ened and I 9e7t 972sh. I >2mped 2p 9rom my cro2ched position: whipping my head aro2nd to see. .Bi TarynE4 I instant7y recogniDed the voice: b2t I was comp7ete7y s2rprised to see the 9aces. .(77en3 i773 ?h my AodE /hat are yo2 g2ys doing here34 I 7eaned 2p over the bar. ./ait: 7et me come aro2nd.4 I h2gged and 8issed them both. ./e were on o2r way to 2mH4 (77en 7oo8ed at i77: apparent7y 9orgetting her words. .-artha=s Fineyard:4 i77 reminded her. .1es: -artha=s FineyardE /e tho2ght we=d stop by to see yo2 9irst:4 (77en said. -arie r2shed o2t 9rom behind the bar. .Taryn: why don=t yo2 ta8e them into the 8itchen to ta783 It=s rea77y 7o2d o2t here. Cory and I can cover the bar 9or a whi7e.4 -arie t2gged my arm. .1es: yes: p7ease 7et=s.4 i77 p7aced a hand on my bac8 and <2ic87y g2ided me thro2gh the crowd towards the 8itchen door. I co27d see him cringing 9rom the vo72me o9 the m2sic. .I=m so g7ad yo2 stopped here 9irstE So yo2=re going to -artha=s Fineyard3 ?h: yo2=77 have s2ch a nice time thereE4 I g2shed: thri77ed to see them. It was the 9irst time I smi7ed in days. .Bow 7ong are yo2 staying there34 ./here34 i77 as8ed. Be 7oo8ed con92sed. .?n -artha=s Fineyard34 I contin2ed. i77 and (77en were 7oo8ing at each other: 2ns2re o9 who was going to answer. .I2st a 9ew days: Boney. I2st a 9ew days:4 (77en stated <2ic87y. i77 7oo8ed at his watch. Be was acting a bit strange: 7i8e he was in a h2rry to go somewhere. .Bow 7ong are yo2 staying in Seaport3 1o2 8now yo2 are we7come to stay here. I

hope yo2 didn=t get a hote7 room.4 I didn=t 8now why I was ramb7ing. i77=s demeanor was ma8ing me edgy. It appeared that they weren=t here 9or a socia7 visit. ./e don=t want to intr2de:4 (77en <2ic87y rep7ied. ./e have a hote7 room 9or tonight and then we: 2m: have m2ch to do tomorrow.4 .?h: o8ay. /e77: did yo2 have dinner3 /e can go o2t to eat i9 yo2=re h2ngry or I can ma8e something 9or yo2 to eat 2pstairs:4 I o99ered. Why do they loo" nervous# They "eep loo"ing at ea h other% This is getting weird% I noticed the band stopped p7aying: so it wasn=t <2ite as 7o2d anymore: b2t the vo72me o9 peop7e ta78ing o2t in the p2b seemed to get 7o2der. .!o: we ate be9ore we came here:4 i77 somber7y rep7ied. I 9e7t my breath catch. -y hand c7enched my throat. ./hat=s wrong3 I 9ee7 7i8e yo2=re going to te77 me something bad.4 -y eyes <2ic87y togg7ed: assessing. .Be=s met someone e7se: hasn=t he34 I scanned their 9aces * waitingH trying to >2dge their reaction to my <2estion. (77en seemed start7ed. .I 8new it. Be changed his mind. Be doesn=t thin8 I can tr2st him anymore so he=s moving on.4 @ain: agony: a77 too 9ami7iar: seeped bac8 into my so27. It on7y too8 him one wee8 to 9ina77y decide he had eno2gh o9 me. -y eyes became moist and I 9e7t the scorching b2rn ro77 2p into my throat. !ot on7y did I have to give 2p the on7y man I ever tr27y 7oved: I wo27d a7so be 7osing two wonder927 parents on top o9 it. I bit my teeth into my 2pper 7ip: trying to ho7d bac8 a sob. .0id he send yo2 9or his things34 I whispered: ass2ming his parents were here to pac8 his st299 2p. Tears crac8ed and b7ed 9rom my eyes 9rom thin8ing abo2t him moving o2t o9 the apartment. .Be doesn=t even want to ta78 to me anymore34 .?h: Boney: noE4 (77en <2ic87y answered. .(77en: I=m so sorry. I=m sorry 9or disappointing yo2.4 I co27dn=t stop the tears. .?h: 9or Aod=s sa8e:4 i77 h299ed. Be t2rned on his hee7s and hasti7y bo7ted 9or the door. .Areat. !ow I=ve o99ended his 9ather too.4 I wa78ed over to the 7arge stee7 sin8 that Ryan paid 9or and ripped a 9ew paper towe7s o2t o9 the ho7der to wipe my eyes. I had desperate7y hoped that Ryan and I wo27d try to reso7ve things be9ore 9ina77y ca77ing it <2its:

b2t that didn=t seem possib7e now. .I thin8H I have a 9ew bo;es:4 I m2ttered: gasping 9or air between sobs: gripping the co2nter to ho7d myse79 2p. This is it / the moment of truth + its offi ially over% .Taryn: Ryan didn=t send 2s. )nd I=m 9air7y certain that whatever he has to say to yo2 he wi77 te77 yo2 himse79. 1o2 need to stop crying beca2se everything is going to be o8ayE4 i77 popped his head aro2nd the crac8ed 8itchen door. .(77en: it=s time. Let=s go:4 he bar8ed sharp7y. I gasped deep7y 9rom the shoc8. I m2st have rea77y o99ended him. i77 didn=t even stic8 aro2nd to say goodbye: go to he77: don=t ever ca77 my son againH nothing. (77en smi7ed at me and then ri97ed thro2gh her p2rse. .Let me 9reshen yo2 2p a bit 9irst.4 She opened 2p her compact and started powdering my 9ace. .0o yo2 want some 7ipstic834 I shr2gged: comp7ete7y con92sed by her actions. -aybe she 9e7t my c2stomers didn=t need to 8now I was crying again3 -aybe it was her 9ina7 gest2re o9 being nice to me since I=d never see her again3 e9ore I 8new it: she was r2bbing 7ipstic8 over my 7ips. (reat%%% she pities me% Ber final 9ina7 gest2re is to get me pretty eno2gh so I co27d go bac8 o2t there and get hit on by some dr2n8en assho7e who is destined to be my 7oser h2sband since I=m obvio2s7y sing7e again. .ThereE4 she said: r2bbing her th2mb over my 7ip. Ber hand combed thro2gh my hair: 97299ing one side aro2nd my ear. .That=s betterE )re yo2 ready to go34 .Ao where34 I 9o77owed her o2t o9 the 8itchen. -y watery eyes had to ad>2st to the dar8ened p2b atmosphere. (77en immediate7y >oined i77: who was sitting down at a tab7e 9or two near the poo7room with a drin8 in his hand. )pparent7y they weren=t going anywhere. What the hell is going on here# I stood there staring at them: comp7ete7y d2mb9o2nded by the 7ast 9ive min2tes o9 my 7i9e: trying to ma8e sense o9 it a77. I thin" I was !ust dumped by my boyfriends parents who are here to move him out of the apartment, but yet they are sitting here having a drin"# What the'#

)n aco2stic g2itar str2mmed in the bac8gro2nd as the band readied to p7ay their ne;t set. i77 g7anced 2p to the stage. -aybe he wanted to stay and hear the band3 .I wrote this song 9or the woman I 7ove:4 a very 9ami7iar voice anno2nced over the so2nd system. ) shiver b7asted down my spine and I gasped 9rom the comp7ete and 2tter shoc8 o9 hearing his voice. )ow ould that be# )e ant possibly be behind me' )es a ross the ountry in ,alifornia! K2ic87y: I t2rned aro2nd: covering my mo2th with my hands to 8eep 9rom screaming o2t in s2rprise. .I=m hoping she has the same reaction this time that she had the 9irst time I p7ayed 9or her.4 Be gent7y smi7ed. There he was: sitting on a stoo7 2p on the stage: a very 9ami7iar Aibson g2itar resting across his thigh. Bis smi7e widened when I smi7ed bac8. .This song is ca77ed: G/hat 0o 1o2 Say3=4 Be started the so9t me7ody. I stood there: sha8ing s7ight7y: 7istening to his mesmeriDing voice and his 7yrics that to2ched my so27. -y heart po2nded in my chest.

I9 I co27d p2t bac8 the pieces and ma8e them right I=d t2rn bac8 the hands o9 time with a77 my might 1o2=d never thin8 that things went wrong I9 I too8 the pain away )nd i9 I say that yo2 comp7ete me in every sing7e way I9 I sho2t it 9rom the c7o2ds above 9or everyone to hear Co27d yo2 ever be7ieve me3 I9 I whisper to yo2 sweet7y

1o2 say yo2 need a reason 2t I=ve never gone astray !ow i9 I can once again pers2ade yo2

To say yes to me today There is >2st one more <2estion 7e9t 9or me to as8 e9ore we throw it a77 away /hat do yo2 say3 @7ease say yes to me today

I gave yo2 my heart: p7aced it in yo2r hands 5or o2r dreams o9 tomorrow: >2st 7i8e we p7anned Together as one 9or the rest o9 o2r days 2t I9 I=d on7y showed instead o9 to7d yo2 I wo27d have ta8en this do2bt away I9 I scream it 9rom the s8y above So everyone is s2re to 8now Co27d yo2 ever be7ieve me3 I9 I whisper to yo2 sweet7y 1o2 cry o2t yo2 need a reason 2t we=ve never gone astray !ow i9 I can once again pers2ade yo2 To say yes to me today There is >2st one more <2estion 7e9t 9or me to as8 e9ore we 7et it s7ip away /hat do yo2 say3 @7ease say yes to me today

I9 yo2 give me yo2r hand: I=77 wrap it in go7den bands 5or a 7ong 92t2re together: I=d be a happy man I=77 ho7d yo2 9orever as o2r story 2n9o7ds y my side 1o2=ve been my on7y 7over: 7et the tr2th be to7d

I9 I scream it 9rom the s8y above So everyone is s2re to 8now Co27d yo2 ever be7ieve me3 I9 I whisper to yo2 sweet7y

I9 I say I am yo2r reason )nd o2r 7ove wi77 7ight o2r way !ow i9 I can once again pers2ade yo2 To say yes to me today There is >2st one more <2estion 7e9t 9or me to as8 e9ore we throw it a77 away /hat do yo2 say3 @7ease say yes to me today

I stood there in compete awe: my 9eet 9roDen to the gro2nd. Tears o9 >oy: tears o9 p2re 7ove: dripped down my chee8s. I covered my mo2th with my hands whi7e the crowd e;p7oded with app7a2se. Ryan set his g2itar on the stand: 7et o2t a big 72ng*9277 o9 air: and stood 2p. Bis eyes were 9i;ed on mine. 0etermination 7i8e I=d never seen be9ore painted his 9ace with p2rpose. Bis 7egs too8 7ong strides: rapid7y c7osing the distance between 2s. Be was headed straight 9or the big: ro2nd tab7e in the midd7e o9 the bar. I wondered 9or a sp7it second i9 he act2a77y saw where he was wa78ing3 S2re7y he had to see the enormo2s tab7e in his way3 Bis gaDe was comp7ete7y 7oc8ed on my 9ace. Bis 9oot stepped onto the empty chair in 9ront o9 him: 7i9ting his body o99 the 97oor. Bis ne;t step catap27ted him on top o9 the big oa8 tab7e: care9277y stepping aro2nd peop7e=s drin8s. Be stopped when he reached the center. )77 eyes were on him as he stood atop the tab7e. It was so <2iet in the crowded bar: yo2 co27d have heard a pin drop. I co27d hear my heart hammering in my chest as I stared 2p

at him. ./e=ve made a bea2ti927 mess o9 things 7ate7y: haven=t we34 Be 97ashed that se;y croo8ed smi7e at me: which made my heart 972tter. I nodded: agreeing with him. . 2t it=s o2r craDy story:4 he stated. .It=s been o2rs: on7y o2rs. There=s been a 7ot o9 romance: sometimes way too m2ch dramaH4 Be raised his eyebrows and smir8ed. .Fery memorab7e comedy: a 9ew p27se*racing action scenes...4 Be shr2gged and sighed. ./e=ve a7so had o2r 9air share o9 s2spense and raw terror: and 2n9ort2nate7y g2t* wrenching heartache too. .I thin8 we=ve covered it a77: everything e;cept 9or being capt2red by a7iensE4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t ch2c87e. . 2t thro2gh it a77 yo2=ve 7oved me: 2nconditiona77y: and I 8now how 9ort2nate I am to have yo2r 7ove. .I don=t want to 7ive witho2t yo2: not 9or one more min2te: not 9or one more second. I want to spend the rest o9 my days 7iving my story with yo2H on7y yo2.4 Be wa78ed to the edge and >2mped o99 the tab7e: 7anding in 9ront o9 me. .It is here that I 9e77 in 7ove with yo2:4 Ryan whispered: ta8ing my hands in his. Be dropped down on one 8nee. .)nd as 9ate wo27d have it: it is here that I h2mb7y 8nee7 be9ore yo2 and as8 yo2 to be my wi9e. .Taryn Lynn -itche77: wi77 yo2 marry me34 Bis g7istening eyes: so b72e: so 9277 o9 emotion: gaDed 2p at meH waiting patient7y 9or my rep7y. ?n7y one word rang thro2gh my heart. .1esE4 I nodded emphatica77y. -y sa7ted tears dripped across my 7ips. I said yes over and over again. Ryan=s smi7e was g7orio2s. It too8 my breath away. Be reached into the 9ront poc8et o9 his >eans and p277ed o2t a ring. There was no bo;: no pre*show. Be too8 my 7e9t hand into his and 8issed my hand so9t7y. .5orever:4 he whispered: 7oo8ing 2p at me: as he s7id the ring onto my 9inger.

Chapter 30 Spar8"e an 5a e

.0o yo2 rea77y 7i8e it34 Ryan as8ed when he ca2ght me gaDing at my engagement ring. I he7d my hand o2t to admire my e;<2isite diamond ring one more time. (ven tho2gh my head swir7ed with tho2ghts: everything pa7ed in comparison to the e7ation I 9e7t 9rom the amaDing man that was ho7ding me: his eyes begging 9or my response. .I9 yo2 don=t: I co27d a7ways get yo2 something e7se. I mean: I won=t be o99ended i9 yo2 don=t 7i8e it. 1o2 co27d pic8 one that yo2=d ratherH4 I <2ic87y 7i9ted my head o99 o9 his bare chest and 7oc8ed my 7ips on his: sh2tting him 2p be9ore he co27d entertain more do2bt. .It=s per9ect:4 I reass2red him. .)bso72te7y per9ectE4 Be sighed. .AoodE I=m g7ad.4 Be smi7ed gent7y. .I wasn=t s2re. I 7oo8ed at a 7ot o9 rings be9ore I pic8ed that one. I co27d have gone bigger with the center stone: b2t I pres2med yo2=d 9ee7 anything over three carats wo27d be too m2ch.4 .1o2=re rightE4 I 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .There=s an inscription in it too:4 Ryan in9ormed tender7y. .There is34 I said: comp7ete7y s2rprised. Be had p7aced this ring on my 9inger so <2ic87y that I didn=t even have time to 7oo8 at it. Be s7ipped his arm o2t 9rom 2nderneath o2r warm com9orter and wigg7ed the ring o99 my 9inger. .See34 I he7d it c7oser to my eyes: twisting the band so I co27d read it. (tched inside was one word. .5orever:4 I whispered. .That=s rightH 9orever:4 he said so9t7y. .I=m on7y marrying one gir7 in my 7i9etime. I2st 7i8e my 9ather didH >2st 7i8e yo2r 9ather did. ?2r parents spent their 7ives together and

wor8ed thro2gh their prob7ems. /e wi77 too.4 I p7aced the ring bac8 onto my 9inger. .I am so re7ieved to hear yo2 say that:4 I sighed o2t: dri9ting my 9ingers across his chee8. . 2t I=m even more re7ieved that yo2=re >2st here with me. I tho2ght I had 7ost yo2 9or good.4 .Taryn: I 8now things have been tota77y 92c8ed 2p between 2s 7ate7y.4 Be pa2sed and combed his hair bac8 with his 9ingers. . 2tH4 . 2t we need to be more open and honest with each other:4 I <2ic87y 9inished his sentence: whispering my words on his s8in. .1es. (;act7y:4 he agreed. .) 7ot more open.4 I tho2ght abo2t the reasons my heart ached >2st a 9ew short ho2rs ago. .1o2 8now a spectac27ar diamond ring on my 9inger doesn=t reso7ve o2r tr2st iss2es tho2gh.4 .I 8now. )nd I am tr27y sorry. I sho27d have to7d yo2 abo2t La2ren. /e sho27d have ta78ed abo2t it.4 Be trai7ed his 9ingers down my bac8: straightening o2t a 7oc8 o9 my hair. ./hy don=t yo2 te77 me now34 I so9t7y m2rm2red. Be 9idgeted s7ight7y 2nderneath me. .There=s not m2ch to say: rea77y. I met her when she screen tested 9or Thousand Miles with me. @rod2ction got p2shed o99 a year and: we77: we were both o2t in L.).: both sing7e at the time. ./hen I 7e9t to 9i7m 8eparation she started seeing L2cas behind my bac8. ) 9riend o9 mine ca77ed me in Chicago to te77 me he saw them ma8ing o2t at the Chatea2 -armont.4 Ryan 9rowned. )dmitting that o2t 7o2d seemed di99ic27t 9or him. .I tho2ght we were e;c72sive. I g2ess I=m >2st o7d*9ashioned that way * I on7y date one woman at a time. !eed7ess to say: that was the end o9 that.4 ./ere yo2 in 7ove with her34 I as8ed: c2rio2s to 8now how deep his 9ee7ings were 9or her. Bis eyes were tho2ght927 when he shr2gged s7ight7y. .Bonest and open:4 I reminded him. Be sighed. .!ot rea77y. I mean I cared a 7ot abo2t her. /e were 9riends. It was new and 92n 9or a whi7e.4 Ryan p7ayed with a 7ong strand o9 my hair: twisting it aro2nd his 9inger. .The 7itt7e bit o9 9ee7ings I had 9or her are nothing in comparison to how I 9ee7 abo2t yo2: I can te77 yo2

thatE4 I was reve7ing in his words 2nti7 he 7a2ghed 7ight7y. ./hat=s so 92nny34 I as8ed: getting worried. .1o2 8now we 9i7m o2t o9 se<2ence: right3 /e77: one o9 the 9ina7 scenes we shot this wee8 was o9 o2r big brea82p:4 he snic8ered. .)nd man: was I ever in character 9or thatE4 I co27dn=t he7p b2t 9ee7 as tho2gh I was the one to b7ame 9or his brea82p motivation. A2i7t washed over me again. .I=m so sorry 9or what I did to yo2H 9or do2bting yo2:4 I said with m2ch regret. .I hope yo2 are ab7e to 9orgive me.4 Bis hand c2pped my head to his chest. .!o: Taryn. I did this. I p2t the do2bt into yo2r mind. 0on=t yo2 dare 9ee7 bad.4 . 2t I do. I r2ined everything:4 I m2ttered. .)77 yo2r p7ans...4 .0on=t. I sho27d have to7d yo2 abo2t her. I sho27d have done more to p2t yo2r mind at ease: b2t I didn=t:4 he admitted. .Instead: I was angry with yo2 9or <2estioning my 9aith927ness. I rea7iDe that now. I=m >2st g7ad that I rea7iDed it be9ore it was too 7ate.4 Be s<2eeDed me in his arms. .I need you to 9orgive me.4 I wrapped my arms aro2nd him tighter: p277ing him c7oser: whi7e his warmth and presence stitched my so27 bac8 together. .There=s nothing to 9orgive:4 I whispered. .?n7y 7essons 7earned.4 Ryan so9t7y 8issed the top o9 my head. -y mind dri9ted as he he7d me. I tho2ght abo2t how I wo27d hand7e the 9irst moment I ever came 9ace to 9ace with La2ren 0e7aney. ?2r paths wo27d cross event2a77y: now that Ryan and I were o99icia77y engaged. There wo27d be a Thousand Miles movie premier to attend in my 92t2re. -y visions o9 that initia7 meeting were 9ar 9rom 7ady7i8e. .0id La2ren ever con9ess34 I as8ed: reca77ing Jy7e=s e7eventh ho2r admission. .She denied being invo7vedH at 9irst.4 Ryan scratched his brow. Be seemed re72ctant to contin2e. .It=s o8ay: >2st te77 me.4 .She cried * hard. She said she sho27d have never 7e9t me go:4 he sco99ed: .b2t my intensity when we were dating scared her or some shit 7i8e that. /e77: that was her e;c2se 9or cheating on me.4

Be p2rsed his 7ips with disg2st. .)9ter I to7d her that there was no way in he77 I=d ever get bac8 with her: she admitted that she was trying to 8eep me 9rom ma8ing a h2ge mista8e. She tho2ght I was being imp27sive and shortsighted with wanting to propose to yo2.4 I ad>2sted my chee8 on his arm: m277ing over his 7ast sentence. I a7so pict2red La2ren p7eading and begging with him to ta8e her bac8. .)nd then Taryn 9e77 si7ent:4 he m2ttered. Ryan ro77ed over onto his side and stared at my 9ace. I swa77owed hard be9ore spea8ing: b2rying my pained eyes in my pi77ow. .I can a7most pinpoint the e;act time in my memory when that conversation happened. It was when yo2 to7d me yo2 needed time to thin8.4 Ryan p277ed my chin 2p. .I=m not going to deny that I didn=t thin8 abo2t what she said. !ot the part abo2t her being a dirty: 7itt7e tramp and wanting me bac8:4 he corrected. .The other part.4 .)nd34 I as8ed hesitant7y. Be was si7ent 9or a 9ew seconds. .Loo8 in my eyes:4 he instr2cted so9t7y. Bis re<2est was con92sing to me at 9irst: beca2se I was e;pecting him to say more a9ter that. Instead: we 7ay sti77: gaDing at each other 9or a very 7ong min2te. )nd then I saw itH it was a77 s2dden7y very c7ear to me. I saw o2r 7i9e together: o2r 92t2re: in brie9 snippets o9 time. I co27d not imagine being happy witho2t him. I rested my hand on his chee8: g2iding his 7ips to mine. /hen Ryan 8issed me: 7i9e had meaning again. .This 7ast wee8: when everything t2rned to shit: that was a new 7ow 9or me:4 he admitted. .The 7owest I=ve ever been.4 I 7a2ghed 7ight7y. .I thin8 I 9o2nd a new 7eve7 o9 7ow: ten 97oors down be7ow the pit o9 despair.4 Ryan ch2c87ed in agreement. .So what do yo2 thin8 a77 that misery means34 I tho2ght abo2t it 9or a moment. ./e77: 9or meH I thin8 it means that I can=t imagine spending the rest o9 my 7i9e with anyone b2t yo2.4 Be so9t7y 8issed my 7ips. .So i9 we both 9ee7 the same way: and we=re abso72te7y miserab7e witho2t each other: then there can=t be anything imp27sive or short*sighted abo2t it: can there34 I smi7ed and shoo8 my head. .!o: I g2ess not.4

The visions o9 a b7iss927 92t2re with this man I so desperate7y 7oved enve7oped me in warmth. Be was here in this room: in this bed: ho7ding me once againE Bow pro9o2nd7y di99erent this moment was 9rom yesterdayE The train that had been derai7ed: ca2sing the 2n9ort2nate death o9 tho2sands o9 bits o9 my so27: was mirac27o2s7y p2t bac8 to right on the trac8s again and a77 the dead s2dden7y got better. Ironica77y: it on7y too8 severa7 seconds a9ter that 9or the remnants o9 my memory: reca77ing when my heart was shattered 2nderneath the train: to creep bac8 into my throat. I stared at the cei7ing to co77ect my tho2ghts. .I 8now what o2r prob7em is. /e=ve both been cheated on: d2mped: and wronged so many times that o2r pasts are 8eeping 2s 9rom moving 9orward.4 Ryan s7ipped o2t a s7iver o9 a 7a2gh. I gaDed bac8 into his eyes. .1o2 tho2ght that I was with Jy7e * that there was something going on behind yo2r bac8. )nd I tho2ght yo2 were going to 7eave me 9or someone 7i8e La2ren: who wasn=t a77 banged 2p and wrec8ed. /e 7ost 9aith in each other.4 .I 8now. )nd I 8now these rings don=t erase what happened between 2s.4 Be ad>2sted the ova7 garnet on my right hand. . 2t they aren=t >2st >ewe7ry to me either. Inside each o9 them is a message 6 a message o9 my commitment to yo2. I want yo2 to be my wi9e: my partner: and my on7y 7over: Taryn... 9orever. -y eyes wi77 never wander 9rom yo2.4 .!either wi77 mine.4 .Then maybe we can he7p each other to tr2st more. Boney: neither one o9 2s is a cheater. I=ve never done that to anyone I=ve ever dated 6 I=m g2essing that yo2=ve never cheated on yo2r past boy9riends either. /e both 8now how m2ch it h2rts to be betrayed 7i8e that. So maybe we >2st have to a7ways remember that it=s not in either o9 o2r persona7ities to be 2n9aith927. )nd I can te77 ya that once we both say GI do:= divorce is not an option * ever. /e wor8 thro2gh the crap: o8ay34 I tho2ght abo2t why I=d been 7iving in the pit o9 despair and s2rviving thro2gh years o9 bro8en promises. .I 8now: b2t in9ide7ity is sti77 a dea7*brea8er 9or me:4 I m2ttered. .1o2 have to promise me that i9 I=m notH i9 yo2 ever have that need: desire 9or something that o2r re7ationship is missingH i9 some actressH4 .1o2=77 be the 9irst to 8now 6 way be9ore it ever comes to that. I promise.4 Bis

9ingers dri9ted down my chee8. .)nd the same goes 9or yo2 tooE /e ta78 abo2t it 6 we 9i; it: we don=t 7et it brea8 2s apart:4 he emphasiDed. .Regard7ess o9 how many comp7ete7y screwed 2p: psychotic peop7e try to medd7e in o2r re7ationshipE4 .This time: I=m 8i77ing anyone who tries:4 I 8idded. .Spea8ing o9 whichH4 ./hat34 he so9t7y 2rged. .I want yo2 to be comp7ete7y honest with me and te77 me i9 yo2 are going to be wor8ing with gir7s yo2 have intimate 8now7edge o9. I 8now it=s 2ncom9ortab7e and yo2=re going to be re72ctant to h2rt my 9ee7ings: b2t it wi77 8eep me 9rom 9rea8ing o2t i9 I 8now a77 o9 the 2g7y detai7s be9orehand. I don=t want to hear abo2t it 9rom other so2rces or see it on the magaDine covers in the grocery store. !ot 8nowing that 8ind o9 st299 and then seeing it on TF does not he7p me tr2st yo2.4 I 9ig2red that wo27d he7p p2t my mind at ease. .0ea7. That 7ist o9 actresses is very sma77: by the way:4 he added. .?8ay: whi7e we=re being openH no more Jy7e. I don=t want him in the bar or anywhere near yo2: ca77ing yo2: bringing yo2 gi9ts or so2p 6 ever again. )nd the same goes 9or a77 the other g2ys who come sni99ing aro2nd my 92t2re wi9e.4 .0on=t worry. I don=t want to ever see Jy7e again:4 I stated: reca77ing the moment o9 terror in the pit o9 my stomach when he had me crammed in the door >am. .I to7d him I=d get a restraining order i9 he ever came aro2nd again.4 Ryan was dead serio2s when he p2t his 9oot down on the .Jy7e and other g2ys4 s2b>ect. There was no h2mor in his tone. .1o2 8now: this do2b7e*standard o9 yo2rs isn=t very hea7thy either:4 I m2ttered. ./hat do2b7e*standard3 /hat are yo2 ta78ing abo2t34 .?h: come onE 1o2 have to admit yo2 are a 7ot more >ea7o2s than I am. I=m not a77owed to accept so2p 9rom some g2y b2t yo2 get to 8iss hot actresses3 )nd then yo2 got pissed at me when I <2estioned a77 the Ga7one time= yo2 were spending with yo2r e;* gir79riend3 1o2 wo27d have been comp7ete7y 2nbearab7e i9 Jy7e and I had a romantic past. Be77: yo2 probab7y wo27d have had a barbed wire 9ence and e;tra g2ard dogs insta77ed aro2nd me i9 that was the caseE4 Ryan h299ed 7o2d7y. .Considering what comes a7ong with the Ryan Christensen territory: I=d say I=ve been maintaining my 2nderstanding and >ea7o2sy 9air7y we77.4

.1eah: yo2 have:4 he agreed. .Sorry: I can=t he7p it. It=s >2stH I 8now how men thin8. 5ood: se;: s7eep 6 not necessari7y in that order either. I was onto Jy7e the 9irst min2te I saw him. I 8new the game he was p7aying.4 .BaE )nd yo2 don=t thin8 women p7ay the same games34 I changed my voice to imitate La2ren and batted my eyes at him. .It=s a77 right: Ryan. I=m happi7y invo7ved with L2cas. 1o2 can ta78 to me. Bere=s a sho27der to 7ean yo2r head on 6 right ne;t to my boobs. She probab7y chec8ed o2t yo2r crotch every time yo2 had to 8iss her >2st to see i9 she made yo2r pants 9it tighterE4 Ryan 7a2ghed at me. .1o2 7a2ghE I=m serio2sE4 Be ro77ed over: p7ay9277y grabbing my rear. .-y crotch on7y b27ges 9or yo2: dear.4 .1eah: right:4 I teased. /e spent a good portion o9 S2nday morning in bed: arms and 7egs entwined: en>oying the so7it2de and peace that came 9rom being together. Ryan 7oo8ed at my a7arm c7oc8. .Come onH time to get o2t o9 bed. /e have to get showered and dressed:4 he said: tossing his portion o9 the covers over my head. ./hy34 I as8ed: st2dying his 9ace 7ong eno2gh to 8now he 8new something I didn=t. @7ay9277y he grabbed my an87e: p277ing me across the bed. ./e don=t want to be 7ate 9or our party:4 he ch2c87ed: reaching 9or my hand. Be he7ped me 2p onto my 9eet. ./hat party3 /hat are yo2 ta78ing abo2t34 .1o2 rea77y had no c72e: did yo234 he said: grinning in astonishment. -y vision was distorted when my eyes scr2nched together: sti77 not having a c72e as to what he was ta78ing abo2t. .That I was going to propose to yo234 Be ti7ted his head: smi7ing as he r2bbed my chee8 with his th2mb. I mashed my 7ips together and shoo8 my head: s7ight7y embarrassed. .I tho2ght yo2r parents came here to move yo2 o2t o9 the apartment.4 .I thin8 I=m going to b2y -arie and Tammy new cars.4 Ryan 7a2ghed 7ight7y to himse79. )n ho2r and a ha79 7ater: we drove 2p to -arie and Aary=s ho2se to attend o2r private

engagement party. Ryan=s parents were a7ready there: waiting 9or 2s.

I sti77 co27d not be7ieve that the 7ast two days had rea77y happened. Ryan and I were sti77 mad7y in 7ove: his symbo7 o9 his commitment c7ad in diamonds aro2nd my 9inger: and a77 o9 my heartache was a7most comp7ete7y 9orgotten. .I g2ess I sho27d ca77 @ete: 9ind o2t what time they are coming 9or po8er:4 I said o2t 7o2d. Ryan twisted the cap bac8 onto the bott7e o9 soda and set it bac8 in the re9rigerator. ./e=re not p7aying po8er tonight:4 he in9ormed. .It=s >2st yo2 and me tonight. /e=re going o2t.4 .?2t34 I was shoc8ed. /e had rare7y ever gone .o2t4 be9ore. .1ep. I=m ta8ing yo2 o2t on a dateH a proper date:4 he corrected. .Ao get dressed.4 Be p277ed his >eans 2p onto his hips and grabbed a c7ean shirt o99 o9 a hanger in the c7oset. .So where are we going34 I as8ed. .I have no idea. ?2t to dinner: bow7ingH it=s yo2r choice. /e=re going to try and have a norma7 date: even i9 I have to wear a disg2ise. I=m ta8ing yo2 o2t.4 /e drove to one o9 my 9avorite 7oca7 resta2rants. I 7oo8ed at my watch: noting the time: so we wo27dn=t be 7ate 9or o2r ne;t stop. Ryan tapped me in the 9oot 2nder the tab7e and snic8ered to himse79 when I 97inched. /e were sitting in a booth a77 the way in the bac8 corner o9 the resta2rant: we77 o2t o9 the way o9 most eyes. .So: my bea2ti927 9iancPe:4 he teased: .where to ne;t34 I too8 a sip o9 soda to wash down my 7ast bite o9 piDDa: tapping my 9oot in rhythm against his. .-ovies:4 I answered cas2a77y. .Aeorge C7ooney=s 7atest 97ic8 is p7aying at the Aa7a;y Theatre.4 Ryan tried to 7oo8 2na99ected: b2t I co27d te77 he was 9rea8ing o2t thin8ing abo2t being aro2nd crowds and the p2b7ic. Be even wrapped his scar9 an e;tra 7oop aro2nd his nec8 to cover ha79 o9 his 9ace when we got 2p to 7eave.

Be t2gged my hand as we wa78ed in opposite directions. .Um: BoneyH car is this way34 I stopped and he7d my gro2nd: p277ing him towards me. .Theater is on7y three b7oc8s down the street. See the mar<2ee 7ights3 It wi77 be o8ay. Let=s wa78.4 /e he7d hands as we cas2a77y stro77ed down the empty sidewa78 in the dar8. !o one noticed 2sC no one even 8new we e;isted. It was wonder927. I s<2eeDed his hand tight7y in mine: comp7ete7y bewi7dered that he was 9ina77y here with me. -y heart that was once so devastated with tho2ghts o9 7osing him was now being stitched bac8 together: 7i8e it was never shattered in the 9irst p7ace. Bis 7ove 9or me was >2st the g72e I needed: restoring me bac8 to who7e. I 8new I co27d never ma8e the same mista8es again. -y insec2rities needed to be rep7aced with tr2st and ass2redness. I wo27d never do2bt his 7ove 9or me or his intentions to have a 7ong 7i9e together. Sti77: I was a9raid that i9 I b7in8ed too many times that I wo27d wa8e 2p 9rom this wonder927 dream o9 togetherness. .That was good piDDa:4 Ryan said: trying to sti97e a b2rp: b2t 9ai7ing at it. Bis body was ma8ing a77 sorts o9 noises. .I9 yo2r 9ans on7y 8newE4 I teased: giving him a n2dge with my hip. .It wo27d de9inite7y blow yo2r who7e mysterio2s: se;y image thingE That was wea8: by the way. I=m hard7y impressed. I give that one a 2.+.4 .See: this is why I 7ove yo2. 1o2 don=t >2dge my 9o27ness: yo2 grade itE4 Be wrapped his arm over my sho27der: p2tting me in another teasing head7oc8. I reached 2p his >ac8et: p7ay9277y reta7iating by tic87ing him in the ribs. Ryan nodded his chin towards the theater a9ter he twined my 9ingers bac8 into his. .I bet yo2 a mi77ion b2c8s that Aeorge C7ooney has his vi7e moments too:4 he >o8ed. .There=s no way I=m ta8ing that betE I=m smart eno2gh to 8now that 2nderneath the movie star 9acades and specia7 e99ects ma8e2p are nothing more than beer*drin8ing: b2rping: 9artypants men.4 .1ep:4 he and his body agreed. . 2t p2t 2s in an )rmani t2; and we 7oo8 goodE4 The Aa7a;y Theatre was one o9 o2r town=s historic 7andmar8s: having been in e;istence since the 1&%0=s. It had the o7d sty7e tic8et booth and 9ancy mar<2ee 7ights i772minating the tit7e o9 the 9eat2re movie. y the time we reached the theater: no one was in

7ine. /e p2rchased a b2c8et o9 popcorn and a soda at the tiny concession stand and then made o2r way into the dim7y 7it theater. .This p7ace is coo7E4 Ryan whispered: 7oosening his scar9 >2st a bit. /e had the bac8 row a77 to o2rse7ves. I noticed him g7ancing aro2nd at the interior * the art*deco wa77paper: thic8 red ve7vet drapes bordering the stage: ornate chande7iers and sconces on the wa77s 6 it was very reminiscent o9 an era when 9i7ms shaped o2r society. Ryan st2c8 his hand in the b2c8et o9 popcorn: 7a2ghing at the si77iness o9 the o7d Tom and Ierry cartoon that p7ayed on the screen. Be was ab7e to en>oy an entire night o2t witho2t any inter9erence 9rom the paparaDDi or enamored 9ans. .1o2 8now: when I ta8e yo2 to the 8eparation premier in a 9ew days yo2r theater e;perience is going to be m2ch di99erent 9rom this:4 he whispered private7y. .I 8now:4 I said as visions o9 tho2sands o9 screaming 9ans passed thro2gh my tho2ghts. .)nd I=m ready 9or it.4 .It wi77 be yo2r warm*2p 9or the insanity yet to come in I27y:4 he contin2ed: a hint o9 nervo2s apprehension and regret accompanied his words. I instant7y 8new he was re9erring to the Seaside premier: which wo27d be a three*wee8 m27ti*co2ntry to2r. I rested my head on his sho27der to en>oy the movie: b2t even more so: this time we 9ina77y had together. Ryan so9t7y 8issed my 9orehead and whispered .I 7ove yo2.4 It was precio2s moments 7i8e these that made 7i9e worth 7iving. Un9ort2nate7y with a77 b7iss9277y sweet moments: there m2st a7ways be a 9ew not so good ones mi;ed in between. I s2ppose it=s what 8eeps the ba7ance. The very ne;t day: I stood there in o2r bedroom: he7p7ess7y watching as he pac8ed another s2itcase. Bis basic needs were 9279i77edH c7ean soc8s and 2nderwear shoved aro2nd a stac8 o9 c7ean shirts and >eans: another script and some g2m pac8ed in his carry*on bag ne;t to his 7aptop. Bis other needs: those that co27d on7y be met by his 7over: were hope9277y 9279i77ed to the best o9 my abi7ities as we77. .1o2 have my sched27e in yo2r ca7endar34 Ryan as8ed as he ha27ed his s2itcase down the steps. .1es:4 I answered: con9irming 9or the third time that my new phone was synched

with his. .I chec8ed e*mai7 * a77 the 97ight itineraries are there. )nd there wi77 be a car waiting 9or yo2 when yo2 7and: -rs. ai7ey.4 Ryan smir8ed. .-ar7a=s assistant is ma8ing the arrangements 9or yo2rH4 .Boney: I 8now:4 I said so9t7y: s7ipping my 9ingers into his 9ront poc8ets to ho7d onto him 9or a min2te 7onger. .0on=t worryE I a7ready ta78ed to Trish. (verything wi77 be 9ine. I promise to 7oo8 smashing 9or each o9 the premiersE4 I beamed. .?h: don=t 9orget yo2r passport:4 he reminded. .I won=t.4 .-y parents and !ic8 and Iane77e 7and at L)R an ho2r a9ter yo2 do so yo2 won=t be a7one 9or 7ong. ?h: wait. /hat am I thin8ing3 1o2 won=t be a7one * the gang wi77 be with yo2: which I=m g7ad beca2se I have a7most three entire days o9 press >2n8ets and appearances. I2st remember to 8eep the hote7 a secret: andH4 .RyanH4 ./hat34 he whined. .Boney: yo2=re stressing o2t. 1o2 need to re7a; and stop worrying. I=77 see yo2 in L.). tomorrow: I promise.4 Be 7e9t o2t a 7ong sigh. -y eyes departed his 9ace and g7anced to the door when I heard a car horn hon8. .I 7ove yo2:4 I m2rm2red on his 7ips as he 8issed me goodbye. .I 7ove yo2 moreE4 he snic8ered: p277ing me in tighter. .Ao: be a movie star:4 I teased him. .I=77 be on the ne;t p7ane right behind yo2.4 Ryan he7d my handsC his th2mbs ro77ed over both o9 my rings: twisting them on my 9ingers. It was his s2bt7e way o9 reminding me o9 their engraved messages. .I=77 see yo2 soon:4 he said sad7y. Be 8issed me one more time be9ore s7ipping 9rom my hands and o2t to the car that waited.

Love Unscripted Copyright 2010 by Tina Reber www.tinareber.com