Pick Up Attempt (Male Edition)

You are a guy at a party trying to pick up some girl. Do you: Use a witty pick-up line (go to B) OR Make small talk about a recent sporting event (go to C)

B You say to the girl, If I could rearrange the alphabet Id put I and you together. She laughs, impressed by your witty line and the fact that you also own a ferrarri. I would too, she says, can you drive me? Do you: Offer to take her to her house (go to D) OR Offer to take her to your house (go to E)

C The girl isnt that into sports. Im not that into sports, she says. She prefers cribbage. I prefer cribbage. She asks if you know how to play cribbage. Do you: D The girl winks and says, I can think of a much better place to go, glancing at your crotch. At this point your friend rocks up. Do you: E She slaps you and says, You male chauvinist pig, how dare you. She ends up going to third base with the school bully. Your parents get a divorce. THE END F Wow, she says, her eyes glittering like yesterdays newspaper, I love that in a guy. You spend the rest of the night playing cribbage together. You are never more than friends, though you never lose your desire to be. THE END G Introduce him to the lady (go to H) Let him introduce himself (go to I) Say yes (go to F) Say no (go to G)

Thats a shame, she says, momentarily downcast, I guess we should play strip poker instead. You get into a game of strip poker. It ends up with you in your boxers and her down to a singlet and her panties. You lose. Do you: H Your freshly-introduced and rather suave friend approaches the girl and with a gleam in his eye says, My pants are falling down, lets go outside. She laughs, and they share a look representing both love and lust. You begin to worry that you have missed your chance. Do you: I Your friend bumbles his way through introducing himself, sticks out his chest and says, Hey baby, do you want to put the thrust in my engine, if you know what I mean? (Thankfully, its unclear that he is your friend). The girl rolls her eyes at you. She says, Do you prefer ballroom dancing, or testing the acidity of creeks? Do you say: L You ask the friend to lay off and with a frown he reluctantly accepts. The lighting in the room changes and the girl sees that your shirt says, Save the Dolphins. You then discuss dolphins for the rest of the night and nothing else happens. THE END M You do nothing, but to your surprise the girl eventually walks away from your friend. He follows the girl, who begins to get quite agitated. The school bully then punches your friend, who collapses in a heap on the floor. Do you: J You magnaminously remove your baxers. She doubles over with laughter: the crisp Autumn air has shriveled your package to the size of a matchbox. Not only do you fail to score, your pet dog also dies. THE END K You insist upon retaining your boxers. Not to worry, she says sexily, I can see youre huge. She leans towards you, knocking the cards to one side. Do you: Intervene in the fight (go to R) Survey the carnage (go to S) Dancing (Go to N) Or Creeks? (go to O) Ask him to lay off (L) Do nothing (M) Take off your boxers (go to J) Draw the line (go to K)

Hastily pack the cards away (go to P) Ignore the cards and focus on her (Q)

Your packing the cards away seems to arouse the girl who now fixes her eyes upon you. I just have one question, she whispers into your ear. Are you a virgin? Do you say: Q Im going to fellate you like theres no tomorrow, she says. However, reaching down to take off your boxers, she stops and stars shrieking. Do you: V Pure, she purrs, just like the olive oil. She straddles you like an eel in a hover craft. However, a thought niggles at the back of your mind that of safer sex. Do you: W Of youre not a virgin, she exclaims, now recognizing you. Youre the star of I Know Who You Did Last Summer! You smugly nod and press her young body against yours as you penetrate her. However, at that point the police run in like a cricketer looking for a frying pan. They arrest you for statutory rape. Ironically, you were actually a virgin. THE END N You say to the girl, I could ballroom dance for hours on end, its a favourite hobby of mine, Ive been doing it since before I knew how to talk. The girl looks down at the ground. You assume that she is so impressed that she is lost for words. She suddenly stares into your eyes; however, it is with a menacing look, and she gnashes her teeth. I HATE BALLROOM DANCING! she screams with passion, and slaps you. She then ends up marrying your hardly-smooth friends. In your job, you are transferred to the Antarctic, and develop hypothermia. THE END O The girl laughs and says, You are a funny one. I wasnt even being serious. I know you would love ballroom dancing. Oh how I love ballroom dancing. Do you want to dance together now? Do you R Decline the invitation (go to T) Accept the invitation (go to U) Insist upon protection (go to Z1) Go on anyway (go to Z2) Ask whats wrong (go to X) Walk away, disgusted (go to Y) Yes (go to V) No (go to W)

You run into the middle of the fight like a chef chasing a cricket bat. You throw a left hook at the bully, who staggers backwards. He then knees you in the groin, you fall on the ground. You find out that the school bully is actually Chuck Norris, and he round-house kicks you and you die. I mean, he is Chuck Norris after all, right? THE END S You stand back and whistle a C augmented 7 arpeggio while watching the fight. It is a close-fought encounter but in the end, your friend delivers the final blow, and the bully dies. Your friend is so happy that he decides to jump out the window onto the fire escape in celebration. He does this, but when in the air he realizes that there isnt a fire escape and falls 200 metres to his death. For some strange reason, both the girl and the bullys girlfriend run to you and hug you, exclaiming My hero. You have an affair with both of them for three years of absolute bliss. However, the girl you liked more eventually finds out and dumps you. You remain married to the bullys girlfriend forever, and though you are happy, you forever wonder what would have happened with the other girl. THE End T The girl says, alright, your loss. It turns out that she was a talent scout for ballroom dancing, and would have turned you into a world-wide celebrity. You spend the rest of your life watching Dancing with the stars and wondering what might have been. If only you had danced with the girl. THE End U The girl beams at you, takes you by the hand, and you eagerly go onto the dancefloor with her. However, she sees your dancing skills and turns off you. She instead marries your less-than-smooth friend. If only you had said no to dancing. THE END X Its that Queen of Spades she cries, pointing. Its bad luck. Unfortunately for you, not only is this girl superstitious, she is a voodoo priestess. For the rest of your life you suffer sleep apnoea, as she has made a voodoo doll of you. THE END Y You leave her and go back to the party. The girls friend runs up to you. I really respect what you just did she declares, she was too drunk to know what was happening. Friends and peers hear about your integrity, news spreads far and wide and you couldnt be happier. On your fortieth birthday, now world dictator, you have all psychics rounded up and shot. Unfortunately they freeze you in time with a burst of psychic energy. You can do naught but unmovingly watch the world go by in unending torture. THE END

Z1 The girl is awed by your commitment to health and hygieine. She invites her two sisters to join in your love-making. A night of frenzied scrabble lessons ensues. You make each sister three times a lady. In all, that makes you nine times a man. THE END Z2 You have awkward uncomfortable sex with the girl, always afraid of what bugs are going around inside of her. Weeks later, you develop warts and a rash in your pubic regions, as well as cheesy discharge. Tests show you to be positive for five separate STIs. You never know a womans touch again. THE END