PLAY DEAD

A Mystery Play in Three Acts

by
William C. Seward
and
Barbara Stopp Vance

Performance Rights
It is an infringement of federal copyright law to copy or reproduce this script in any manner or
to perform this play without royalty payment. The author controls all rights. Call for additional
scripts and further licensing information. The author’s name must appear on all programs and
promotional material.

January 14, 1999

Copyright © 1993 by Bill Seward

 2

NOTE: This production takes the form of a play-within-a-play. For a group of actors often seen
together in productions, the SIMONs should be played by unknowns for best results.

CHARACTERS

PARSON SHORT2: The "real" detective.

AMBROSE SIMON: Visiting theatre critic. Should be
quite supercilious
ARAMINTA SIMON: Critic's wife.
JAY FLYNN/PARSON SHORT1: A professional actor fallen on hard
times. He is slightly drunk, but says
his lines competently. In normal
conversation occasionally slurs his
lines.
BOB FARLEY/
LORD RICHARD MOUNTEBANK: Local doctor.
PRESTON GARNER/HOWARD IGGINS: Insurance salesman.
LUCY SNYDER/MARTHA IGGINS: Nurse who works for FARLEY.
SUSAN LANDERS/JAN CLARET: Real estate broker.
GENE HARDING/HUGH PEMBROKE: Local playwright.
MARGERY ANN RAMSEY/SARAH PEMBROKE: Homemaker and "Friends" VP.
GEORGIA PONDER/GLYNIS BRANT: Ambitious young actress.
BAMBI: The light technician.

Scene:
Room set up for production of a Mystery Play fund raiser for
a “non-profit” group. The set is of an English-style manor
study. At center are a writing desk and chair. There are
bookshelves with mystery books, various weapons, etc.
mounted on walls or shelves. A model of a cannon is on the
shelf as a bookend and a pistol is by Lord M's left hand. A
small hole is in the wall, partially covered by a painting, or in
the window area. There are two visible exits; a door to the
hall, and the door to the washroom. The audience area is as
for a dinner play, i.e. serving tables, audience tables, chairs.
Seats are reserved for the Simons, and Short2 (not at the
same location). SIMONS should be seated approximately in
front of center stage.
 3

PRE-PLAY ACTION
The following bits should be carried out as naturally as
possible. Not at consecutive times. Parking area bit may be
about 10 or 15 minutes before serving line starts, whenever a
lot of the guests are arriving.

PARKING AREA (OR SIDEWALK):

(This scene is enacted near front doors, possibly outside,
while some of the first audience members arrive. Pick a time
when one or two arriving couples can see. Present are Mr. &
Mrs. Simon, Jay Flynn, Bob and Lucy. Jay is just tipsy
enough to be surly.)

AMBROSE:
(Arriving with Araminta)
Well, look here darling. It's Flynn, drunk again.

JAY
You're not wanted here, Simon. Go away.

AMBROSE:
But I was invited. Don't tell me you're involved in this.

JAY
I'm in it.

AMBROSE:
I can see we're in for some real entertainment.

ARAMINTA
Ambrose, come on.
(Looks around at people watching.)

JAY
You can go to --, just go anywhere but stay away from me!

AMBROSE:
You call yourself an actor; try acting sober for a change.
(They turn to enter the bldg. JAY tries to follow. LUCY and
BOB restrain him. ARAMINTA and AMBROSE continue to
talk.)
 4

ARAMINTA
Don't let him bother you, Ambrose, he's a drunken has-been.

AMBROSE:
No, he's a drunken never-was. I think I can write this review already.
(As they enter, MARGERY meets them at the door.)

MARGERY
So glad you could make it, Mr. and Mrs. Simon. We have a seat right up front for you.
(She shows them to their seat, ARAMINTA shows interest in
everything, AMBROSE, grudgingly, surveys the set and
makes very critical remarks while making notes in his
notebook.)

AMBROSE:
Preston Garner's here, I'd recognize his crummy sets anywhere.

ARAMINTA
Now you promised to be good, Ambrose. Relax and try to enjoy it.

SERVING LINE:
(As the SIMONS go through the serving line with rest of
audience, SUSAN breaks between them for seconds,
bumping into AMBROSE.)

SUSAN
Oh, excuse me! Why, it's Ambrose Simon! Small world, Darling!

AMBROSE:
Pushy, aren't we Ms. Landers?

SUSAN
You didn't think so before, but you really should call me Miss Claret during the production.

AMBROSE:
Oh, please.

ARAMINTA
I don't think he'll be calling you at all, Miss Landers.

SUSAN
Okay, okay. I said I was sorry. Excuse me, Mrs. Simon.
(She leaves them and goes back to the cast area.)

AT THE TABLE:
 5
(As the Simons are getting seated after getting their food,
BOB approaches and helps ARAMINTA with her chair,
ignoring AMBROSE.)

BOB
Sit here, Mrs. Simon. I'll help you.

ARAMINTA
Thank you.

AMBROSE:
She can take care of herself, quack.

BOB
Did you get everything you wanted?

ARAMINTA
You mean from the tables? Yes, thank you. Who are you in the play?

AMBROSE:
Take your bedside manner elsewhere, quack.

BOB
(Ignoring him.)
You'll see. Enjoy the play.

AMBROSE:
We can hardly wait.
 6
ACT I

AT RISE: During blackout, there are two gunshots, very

close together. At the shots, AMBROSE quietly slumps
back in his chair to remain quiet throughout the first act.
Lights come up on Lord M's study. All of cast1 are offstage,
except for Lord M, at desk, slumped over, left side of head is
bloody. Hugh is behind washroom door. Characters approach
outside of hall door in order of lines. Door is locked.
IGGINS is pounding on door.)

IGGINS
Lord M, Lord M, are you all right?

JAN
What's wrong, Iggins? I heard a noise.

IGGINS
I know, and Lord M doesn't answer.

JAN
(Trying door)
But he never locks this door.
(Knocks)
Lord Mountebank, are you in there?

IGGINS
He's definitely in there, Miss Claret, the door's locked on the inside.
(Pounds)
I'm afraid something's happened to him.

GLYNIS
Jan, what is it?

JAN
Iggins is worried about Lord Mountebank, Glynis. He won't unlock the door.
(She tries to look through key hole.)

GLYNIS
Can you see anything through the keyhole?

JAN
The key seems to be in it. Is there another one?

IGGINS
I doubt it. I never knew there was one.
 7

MARTHA
There's something wrong, I can feel it.

SARAH
My brother is in there. Can you break it down, Iggins?

SHORT
Let's try something else. Hand me that newspaper.
(Paper shoved under door, key pushed out, misses paper or falls off.)

SHORT
Well, it always works in the novels.

IGGINS
Do you think we should break it down?

SARAH
I think we'd better. Don't you, Mr. Short?

SHORT
I'm afraid so. Help me Higgins.

IGGINS
As you say, Sir, but it's Iggins.
(As door bursts open SHORT and IGGINS stumble into
room. Others follow hesitantly. Martha, Jan, Sarah, Glynis
all clump together. SHORT and IGGINS approach the
body.)

IGGINS
It's Lord M. What's wrong with him?

SHORT
I'm afraid he's dead. He's apparently been shot.

MARTHA
Oh no!
(Others gasp, exclaim, etc. Sarah collapses into chair.)

SHORT
Don't touch anything else. Miss Claret, please call the police.

JAN
I'll use the phone in my office.
(JAN exits.)
 8

SHORT
How many ways are there out of this room?

IGGINS
Only the hall door, Sir, and the windows, but they've been painted shut for years.
(Leads SHORT across room to windows, cast directs attention to that direction.)

SHORT
I see what you mean. Where does the other door lead?

IGGINS
That's a private lavatory for the study.

HUGH
(Backing onto stage from lavatory while cast looks elsewhere.)
There's no one in there, Short.
(HUGH crosses to GLYNIS)

MARTHA
This is simply tragic. I've felt an aura of doom here for days.

JAN
(Entering from hall)
The police are on their way. It'll take a while, the storm has the bridges blocked. Do you know what
happened yet, Mr. Short?

SHORT
Not entirely, though it's apparent that Lord Mountebank has been murdered.

GLYNIS
Could he have killed himself?

SHORT
It's not too likely, he was right handed, wasn't he?
(Pause.)
Was there a reason he might have for taking his life?

SARAH
Well, he was getting along in years, but he hasn't complained much more than usual.

JAN
I hardly think we need to consider suicide.

HUGH
But how could the killer have left the room?
 9

SHORT
Apparently he couldn't, therefore, the killer is still here.

SARAH
But surely none of us . . .

HUGH
How could you.....

MARTHA
We'll all be murdered in our beds!

JAN
(Glancing at others)
Lord M has been worrying about something for the last few days.

IGGINS
Miss Claret is correct Sir. Lord Mountebank has been very preoccupied of late.

SHORT
Does anyone know what was bothering him?

JAN
I may be able to help with that. It's the estate.

SHORT
The estate?
JAN
Lord M has been trying to sell this place. He wants to move to Ft. Lauderdale. He has only been
able to find one buyer.

HUGH
How many does it take?

JAN
The buyer is a consortium that wants to build a mall, complete with a 36 screen theater.
 10

SHORT
And Lord M doesn't want his beautiful old home destroyed?

JAN
That's not it.

SHORT
Then what?

JAN
They've discovered a very rare breed of Hungarian Cockroach living under the cellar stairs. They
only found one, but it's a female. Thanks to the conservationists, the plans were scrapped.

GLYNIS
Yuck!

HUGH
Should have fumigated first.

SHORT
So the deal fell through. I can see reason for depression, but a house with roaches is not much
motive for murder.

MARTHA
I resent that. I keep a clean house.

IGGINS
Yes Sir, we do.

SHORT
I'm sure. Certainly everyone understands that it will be to our advantage to unmask the murderer
before the police arrive. I'm going to have to ask you all about your movements.

HUGH
Okay, shoot!

GLYNIS
Hugh!!

HUGH
Sorry, poor choice of words. Go ahead, Parson.
 11

SHORT
First off, is there any objection to my looking into this before the police do?

HUGH
I suppose the first to object is first on the list of suspects? No thanks, Short, get on with it.

SARAH
Don't mind my son, he's obviously distressed by this. Go ahead Mr. Short.

JAN
Yes, by all means.

SHORT
Then let's begin. Get comfortable, this may take awhile.

SARAH
How can I get comfortable with Richard just lying there?

SHORT
(To SARAH)
Loan me your apron.
(Covers Lord M.)
I'll start with Ms. Claret.

JAN
What would you like to know?

SHORT
I'd like to know who killed Lord M.
(Looking at her intently.)

JAN
Obviously, so would I.
(Looking right back at him.)

SHORT
What were your movements the last, let's say, two hours.

JAN
It's eight-oh-five now. We were all together at six for dinner. I sat next to you, in fact. After dinner,
I went to my office. That was about six-forty-five.
 12

SHORT
What were you doing there?

JAN
I was getting some tax information together for the accountants. Lord M was quite insistent that it
go out tomorrow.

SHORT
Did anyone see you there?

JAN
Mrs. Pembroke came and asked me for a stamp at about seven fifteen. Then she asked me to go to
the library with her. She said she couldn't find a book she was looking for.

SHORT
Which was?

JAN
A family history.

SARAH
“Mountebanks I Have Known.”

SHORT
Did you see anyone else?

JAN
Hugh and Miss Brant were there looking at a painting. They left when we came in.

SHORT
Then what happened?

JAN
I stayed and helped Mrs. Pembroke search until a few minutes ago when I heard the shot,... or
shots.

SHORT
What was your relationship with Lord M?

SARAH
A question I've asked many times myself.

HUGH
Inquiring minds want to know.
 13
JAN
I was Lord M's secretary, just his secretary. I helped him with his correspondence and the business
affairs of the estate.

SARAH
The monkey business.

JAN
That's not true. Lord Mountebank has been a perfect gentleman.

SARAH
Oh, I'm quite sure you handled all his affairs adequately!

SHORT
Ladies, please. I suppose there has been a lot of work for you with the attempted sale of the estate.

JAN
Oh, yes. A lot of correspondence, meetings with lawyers, and so forth.

SHORT
Who was Lord M's attorney?

JAN
Edward Dewey, of Dewey and Howe.

HUGH
I guess Cheatham must have died.
(Glynis nudges Hugh)

SHORT
Would you know the provisions of Lord M's will?

HUGH
I'll just bet she does!

JAN
As a matter of fact, I don't. Lord M handled that personally with Eddie, I mean, Mr. Dewey.

SHORT
And your relationship with Lord M. was strictly business.

SARAH
Humph!

JAN
Yes, that's correct.
 14

SHORT
Your office is next to this room, did you hear anything when you were there?

JAN
The walls are very thick. Lord M has to buzz me on the intercom when he needs me.
(Points to the button.)

SHORT
Thank you. Higgins, I'd like to speak to you now.

IGGINS
It's Iggins Sir.

SHORT
What was that?

IGGINS
Iggins, Sir, with an "I". Howard Iggins.

SHORT
I apologize. I misunderstood.

IGGINS
Don't bother Sir. I've had no end of trouble about it, especially at home.

SHORT
Which part of England are you from?

IGGINS
Lubbock, Texas, Sir.

SHORT
You're kidding.

IGGINS
No Sir, you see, Lord Mountebank always wanted an English butler. He even sent me to an English
butler school. He was quite the fan of Agatha Christie. He enjoyed her murder mysteries
immensely.

SHORT
Would he have liked this one?

IGGINS
Not so far, Sir.
 15
SHORT
I'm sure. Well, "Iggins", where have you been the last two hours?

IGGINS
You'll recall I helped serve dinner. Afterward I helped Martha clear away. We are the entire staff
after all.

SHORT
That took until what time?

IGGINS
About seven-fifteen. The wife and I went to our room. We're off after dinner unless called for.

SHORT
You didn't see anyone else?

IGGINS
Miss Brant visited with us.

SHORT
Was that normal?

IGGINS
Not for most of the guests, Sir. But Miss Brant is something of a Socialist.

MARTHA
She feels that we're oppressed.

SHORT
What is the basis of this opinion?

MARTHA
We work for a living.

IGGINS
We can't seem to convince her that we are quite happy here.

SHORT
Are you?

GLYNIS
Brainwashed, they're brainwashed.

IGGINS
Quite happy Sir.
 16
SHORT
What will you do now?

IGGINS
Lord Mountebank has always been good to us, and we've made some good investments. We'll do all
right.

MARTHA
Go ahead, Howie, tell them.

IGGINS
Well, we've purchased an island in the Caribbean. A retirement place for the wife and myself.

GLYNIS
What?

SHORT
I'm impressed, Iggins.

IGGINS
It's nothing Sir. It's a very small island.

SHORT
So, you were there in your rooms when you heard the shot,..er shots?
IGGINS
Yes, Sir.

SHORT
And you heard them clearly?

IGGINS
Yes, Sir.

SHORT
And you say he never locks this door.

IGGINS
Never, Sir.

SHORT
That's all for now, but stay close.

IGGINS
Yes Sir.

SHORT
 17
All right, Pembroke, tell us your story.

HUGH
I was born a poor.......

SHORT
Very interesting, we'd rather hear about tonight.

HUGH
I was getting to that. After dinner, Miss Brant and I went for a walk on the grounds.

GLYNIS
That's correct, Reverend.

HUGH
We returned a little later and went into the library.

SHORT
What for?

HUGH
We were discussing my illustrious ancestors, she asked me to point out some of their portraits.

SHORT
How long were you there?

GLYNIS
We had just gotten there when Hugh's mother and Jan came in. We left soon after.

SHORT
What did you do then?

HUGH
Glynis went to see the Iggins', I wanted to read a book. I was in my room until all the commotion
just now.

SHORT
Did anyone see you there?

HUGH
I'm afraid not.

SHORT
Were you aware of the pending real estate deal we've just been discussing?

HUGH
 18
Uncle Richard mentioned it to me. I told him to go for it.

SHORT
Do you expect to inherit the estate?

HUGH
Oh, I suppose he may have left me something or other. Is that all?

SHORT
One more thing, what is that?
(Indicates box in Lord M's hand.)

HUGH
(Reaches for it, SHORT grabs it first.)
Just a match box.

SHORT
Excellent, I need a light.
(Removes pipe from pocket, takes box and opens it, plastic roach falls out of box,
everyone jumps)

HUGH
No, wait.

SARAH
What was that?

HUGH
(Casually steps on roach)
Just a roach. Anything else, Parson?
 19

SHORT
I believe you have much to answer for, Pembroke. For now, we have guests to consider. Perhaps
they would like to ask some questions.
(Indicates audience. As SHORT ends this speech, Araminta tries to rouse SIMON)

ARAMINTA
Ambrose, Ambrose, what's wrong? Somebody help. Is there a doctor . . .Bob, something's wrong
with Ambrose.

BOB
(Gets up from table where he played Lord M.)
I'm a doctor, let me through.
(Begins to examine SIMON)

SHORT2
(Stands up in audience. Helps with body.)

BOB
He's bleeding. Great Scott, I think he's been shot! He's in bad shape. Help me move him to the other
room.
(Others help move SIMON to another room. Nurse LUCY
gives BOB his bag, then comforts ARAMINTA)

SHORT1
Someone call the police.

SHORT2
That's a good idea.
(Stands up and walks to the front.)
Everyone please return to your seats.
(Speaking to audience members seated next to SIMON.)
Did you know Mr. Simon? Did you do it?
(He asks this and other such to audience nearby, we assume with negative answers.)

SHORT1
Who are you?

SHORT2
You don't recognize me? A sleuth like yourself? I am Parson Short!

SHORT1
You're joking.

SHORT2
 20
I'm sure you'll agree that crime is not a joking matter. A "real" detective is needed to catch a real
criminal.

ARAMINTA
You don't have to look far, Jay Flynn must have done it. He hated Ambrose for ruining his acting
career. Why, Flynn accosted us in the parking lot tonight. He had been drinking as usual. You,
(points to audience member.)
you were there! Surely you heard Mr. Flynn threaten him.

SHORT2
(To aud. mem.)
Yes, what did you see? Tell us about it.
(ARAMINTA to fill in whatever they might not say.)

SHORT
Anything else?

ARAMINTA
Well, Gene Harding, the playwright, has hated him for years. And Garner, over there, once
threatened to punch his face.

SHORT2
Oh? Anyone else you can think of?

ARAMINTA
Well, that Landers woman used to date Ambrose. He gave her such good reviews, at least until she
asked for a little too much. Isn't that right, Darling? You saw her tonight.
(To audience member.)
She cut in line practically dripping with jealousy. She's never forgiven him for marrying me. "A
woman scorned" my dear. And that woman over there
(indicates GEORGIA)
even made a pass at him last night.

SHORT2
That's a lot of suspects.

ARAMINTA
Well, I think Flynn did it.

SHORT2
That may very well be. Yes, Doctor?

BOB
(Returning from other room.)
I'm afraid he was too far gone. He's dead.
 21

SHORT2
Then it is murder. If you "actors" will stay put, we'll give these good people a real crime to solve.
For the next fifteen minutes you may ask your own questions. Then I will proceed with my
investigation. Before we get to that, I'm confused as to who you people really are. Ms. Ramsey
would you introduce these people?

MARGERY
I'm just so shocked by all this, maybe they'd better introduce themselves.

SHORT2
Okay, let's start with you.
(Indicates opposite end of cast lineup. Cast answers as
indicated, depending on place in line.)

BOB
Well, I'm Doctor Bob Farley, local doctor. I played Lord M here.

JAY
I am Jay Flynn, professional actor.

PRESTON
And I am Preston Garner, local insurance salesman. Here's my card.
(Shakes Short2's hand.)

LUCY
I'm Lucy Snyder. I'm a nurse here in town. I played Martha Iggins.

SUSAN
I'm Susan Landers. I am a realtor. We'll never be able to rent this hall again!

GENE
And I'm Gene Harding, local entrepreneur and playwright. I wrote this play. Will we ever get to
finish it?

MARGERY
I'm Margery Ramsey, Vice-President of the Friends. I assure nothing like this has ever happened at
one of our fund-raisers.
 22

GEORGIA
I'm Georgia Ponder. I wait tables at the restaurant, but I'm going to be an actress.

SHORT2
(To BAMBI)
How about you?

BAMBI
Who, me? Oh, I'm Bernadette Elaine Jakowski, but my friends call me Bambi. I didn't get a part, so
I just do the lights. I'm an exotic dancer.

SHORT2
And as I said before, I am the real Parson Short. Now let us have your questions.
(Short fields questions from the audience to the actors for a few minutes. He can
control how much is revealed at this time. Premature questions can be deferred to later. After a few
minutes, he calls for the intermission.)

If you actors will make yourselves available for individual questioning, we will have a short
intermission and perhaps have some refreshment.

End Act I
 23
ACT II

SCRIPT NOTE: From this point on, the character SHORT2

is simply referred to as SHORT.

SCENE: Same as end of Act I.

TIME: A few minutes later.

ARAMINTA
(Agitated.)
I can't believe you people are just eating and carrying on here. My husband has just been murdered!
(To SHORT)
What are you doing about it?

SHORT
You are right madam. It is time to examine the evidence.

ARAMINTA
I told you already, it's one of the actors! They all hated him.

SHORT
Can you prove which one did it?

ARAMINTA
Maybe it was all of them. They all did it, just ask them.

SHORT
In due time, Mrs. Simon, first we need to find out a few things.

BOB
Shouldn't we wait for the police? This is not a paperback mystery, Father.

SHORT
It's Short. I've worked with the local police before. They'll appreciate any headway we can make by
the time they get here. Is there anything else? Now, we need to determine where the shot came
from.

SUSAN
Won't that be hard to do?
 24

SHORT
We'll see.
(Picks a nearby audience member.)
Would you please sit here, in the “death chair”? If Simon was struck here by the bullet, the shot
must have been fired somewhere over there.
(Indicates stage area.)
I heard two shots.
GENE
So did I. There was only supposed to be one.

SHORT
How was it supposed to be fired?

GENE
Preston Garner, as "Iggins", was the first one on, so he was to fire it during the blackout.

SHORT
Where is the pistol now?

PRESTON
It should still be on the table there, just backstage.

SHORT
(To audience member in chair)
You can return to your seat now, thank you.
(Finds gun.)
Here it is. Who is responsible for checking the loads before each show?

PRESTON
I check it myself.

SHORT
How many blanks do you load?

PRESTON
Only one. See, the cylinder is marked so it's easy to see that it's ready in the dark.

SHORT
There's only one empty shell, and it's in the marked chamber.

PRESTON
It's an old pistol. It misfires a lot on the other chambers.

SHORT
So no one else has handled it?
 25

MARGERY
(After a short pause.)
Well, excuse me Dr. Farley, but you were checking it this afternoon.

BOB
Er, uh, well, yes . . .

SHORT
Yes, Dr. Farley?

BOB
Well, as Preston said, it sometimes misfires and I wanted to be sure it would work properly tonight.

MARGERY
Heavens! The blast scared me half to death! I thought I was up here alone this afternoon when
BANG! Off goes this loud noise and I screamed and dropped the cups I was carrying and they went
all over, and then Dr. Farley comes out and apologizes for having scared me. He explained all about
the blanks being old and all, and that the gun sometimes didn't work and. . . .

BOB
I think that's enough Mrs. Ramsey. I'm sure Mr. Short has more important questions to ask.

SHORT
Thank you, Mrs. Ramsey. You've been a big help. Now where was I? Oh yes, Mr. Garner, who was
next to you offstage?

SUSAN
I follow Preston on.

SHORT
Did you see him fire the blank?

SUSAN
Not very well, I was concentrating on my cue. I know he usually only has enough time to fire the
one shot and get on stage.

SHORT
Did anyone notice him doing anything to the gun after the shot, like removing a spent shell?

JAY
I didn't, but like Susan said, there's barely enough time to fire the shot, put it down, and get on
stage.

GENE
We discussed having the light crew fire the blank, but we wanted it to sound like it was on stage.
 26

SHORT
(Picks up other gun on desk.)
What about this one?

GENE
That one is never fired. It's handled a good bit during the play, though.

SHORT
(Sniffing barrel.)
It doesn't appear to have been fired at all recently. Does it work?

GENE
We had a gunsmith make it non-functional.

SHORT
Where was everyone located offstage?

GENE
I was over there, behind the door. Everyone else except Bob was waiting to come on.

SHORT
Is that correct?

SUSAN
We were more or less lined up in order of entrance.

SHORT
Would you please put yourselves in that order over here for us? Now, does anyone know who was
out of line when the shots were fired?

SUSAN
There was a lot of shifting.

LUCY
Some were fixing hair and makeup.

MARGERY
One even made a last minute trip to the rest room.
 27

JAY
I couldn't help it, it's my nerves.

GENE
It was more likely the nerve tonic.

SHORT
So we have seven suspects, a possible weapon, and a general direction.

BOB
Seven suspects? But I was on stage the whole time.

SHORT
But not entirely in view. Though you were in a very awkward position to have fired the shot. And
where is the weapon?

JAY
Yes, the weapon. Where's the weapon?
(Slurring his words.)

SHORT
Perhaps further investigation will shed some light. Light, yes. Say, Bambi, come over here. I would
like for you to look around backstage. Do not touch anything. Let me know immediately if you see
anything that doesn't belong there.

BAMBI
Okay.
(She exits to backstage area. From here until her re-entrance
there are to be periodic noises, bumps, things falling, "I'm
okay, excuse me." etc. about once per script page.)

SHORT
Let us turn to motive.

GEORGIA
Excuse me, but can we sit down now?

SHORT
Okay, but stay where I can see you. All right Mrs. Simon, why were the two of you here tonight?

ARAMINTA
We received tickets from the Friends here. Our local group encouraged us to come.

SHORT
(Refers to program.)
 28
Ms. Ramsey, I believe you are an officer of the Friends.

MARGERY
That's true.

SHORT
Did you invite the Simons to this performance?

MARGERY
Well, we were very flattered that Mr. Simon was going to attend, Reverend..........

SHORT
It's Short. But did you invite him?

MARGERY
As far as I know, we didn't.

SHORT
Someone must have sent Ambrose Simon the tickets for the purpose of getting him here, possibly
to kill him.

GENE
I have to admit, no one would invite him for his reviews.

SHORT
You say that several of these actors had something against Simon, is that right?

ARAMINTA
Yes, they all hated him.

SHORT
Why was that?

ARAMINTA
They didn't appreciate his genius. He told the truth about them in his articles.

SHORT
What can you tell us about that. . . . Mr. Garner?

PRESTON
What do you mean?

SHORT
How accurate is Mrs. Simon about your motives?

PRESTON
 29
Well, he certainly wasn't on my Christmas list.

SHORT
Why is that?

PRESTON
A few years ago I was active in local theatre in Wimberley until I had to quit.

SHORT
You had to quit?

PRESTON
Thanks to Simon. It was his fault. Every review was negative. We had very successful shows,
believe me, but Simon cut down every one of them with his remarks about debilitated actors and
cheesy sets. It was just too much, I had to get out.

SHORT
You came here?

PRESTON
The insurance company I work for let me transfer here. I almost didn't get involved in this
production. I really hoped I'd never hear from Ambrose Simon again.

SHORT
But you got back into theatre anyway.

PRESTON
Yes, I did.

SHORT
I suppose it was quite a shock to see Simon here today.

PRESTON
Yes it was, Pastor.

SHORT
Short . . . And you had no previous idea that Simon would be attending?

PRESTON
None at all.

SHORT
What about you "Short", or is it Mr. Flynn?

JAY
It's Flynn, of course.
 30

SHORT
How were you acquainted with Mr. Simon?

JAY
We'd never met, though I've heard of him. We didn't exactly move in the same circles.

GEORGIA
Jay's a professional actor.

LUCY
But you had words with him in the parking lot. I saw you. __________ was closer than I was,
though.
(Indicates audience member who was outside at the time.)

SHORT
(To audience member.)
Well, can you add anything to what you said before?
(Gets audience response here, else, LUCY tells what happened.)

JAY
Okay, okay, I knew him.

ARAMINTA
Tell them about St. Edward's.

JAY
Oh yes, that. I'd forgotten.

ARAMINTA
I'll bet. You told Ambrose you'd never forget it. I was there.

SHORT
What's that?

JAY
St. Edward's University, three years ago. I did a play through Actor's Equity.
 31

SHORT
What was it about?

JAY
It was a sort of musical horror thing by a local playwright. I played a psychopathic wig maker.

SHORT
What was it called?

JAY
"The Devil Toupee."

SHORT
I must have missed it.

JAY
Yes, well, Simon made a special trip from San Antonio to review it.

SHORT
And?

JAY
He totally destroyed it. It was not a great play, okay? But it was light and funny. Just the sort of
thing Simon hated.

SHORT
Surely one play.......

JAY
Can't hurt? I was signed to start a new TV series next. Copies of Simon's review got sent to the
studio somehow. They dropped me. Scott Bakula got the part. Now he's driving the Porsche and I'm
doing little theatre.

ARAMINTA
And drinking between acts.

JAY
That's a lie.

ARAMINTA
Your bouts with alcohol are well documented by the tabloids, Mr. Flynn. I doubt the networks are
interested in hiring a lush. You even punched your agent, didn't you?

JAY
I hardly drank at all back then, as I'm sure you've learned from your filthy little tabloids. It only
 32
started after he, I mean I, well, back then. But I'm getting better.

SHORT
What do you do for money?

JAY
I decorate store windows, do commercials, paint street numbers on curbs, whatever, so I can keep
acting. Did you see my video with the Geezinslaws?

SHORT
Uh, no. So you're not a fan of Simon's.

JAY
Hardly, but I've never killed anyone.

SHORT
I wonder.
(Noise from backstage, BAMBI enters with toilet plunger.)

BAMBI
Oh, wow, look what I found.

SHORT
What is that?

BAMBI
You know, it's a plumber's friend. I thought you were the detective. You use it to......

SHORT
I know that, we're looking for a murder weapon.

BAMBI
You never said that, you said to look for something that didn't belong. I've been here all week and I
never saw this before. Boy, you treat me like I'm blonde just because I'm dumb. Wait a minute, that
didn't come out right.
(This while exiting.)

SHORT
Ms. Landers, how did you know Mr. Simon?

SUSAN
I'd rather not say Fath......

SHORT
Just a minute, I have to straighten something out. Listen, I'm not Father Dowling, Rabbi Small, or
even Sister Mary Helen. I am Parson Short. Parson is my name, not my occupation. Call me
 33
"Short" or Mr. Short if you must. Now Ms. Landers, tell us what you'd rather not say.

ARAMINTA
She thinks it's a secret she was seeing my husband, Rev . . . I mean Mr. Short.

SHORT
Is this true?

SUSAN
Yes, but that was a long time ago.

SHORT
How long?

SUSAN
Two years ago, and he wasn't her husband then. I lived in San Antonio and was appearing in "Roar
Of The Greasepaint." I met Ambrose at a cast party.

SHORT
How were your reviews?

SUSAN
"Miss Landers gave a moving performance, invoking Bernhardt at her finest."

ARAMINTA
(Aside.)
Medium, a medium "invokes" dead people.

SHORT
When did you see Simon last?

SUSAN
I saw him at his wedding, when he married her.

SHORT
And you haven't seen him since?

SUSAN
Not until tonight.

SHORT
Did you know he would be here?

SUSAN
No, I didn't, until I accidentally bumped into him in the food line.
 34
ARAMINTA
Accidentally, ha. Lies, all lies.

SHORT
Would you say the two of you parted as friends?

SUSAN
I think so. Anyway, I moved here soon after.

SHORT
Can you think of anyone else who might have a grudge against Simon?

SUSAN
I don't think you should rule out Mrs. Simon. I bet she comes into a bundle!

ARAMINTA
How dare you!

SUSAN
I dare all right, because I've heard about you, Mrs. Ambrose Simon, and your "outside" interests.
Ambrose spent a lot of time out of town, didn't he Mrs. Simon?

ARAMINTA
I don't have to listen to this from the likes of you, you jealous little minx.

SUSAN
(With a laugh.)
Me, jealous? Ha! But, to be fair, there are others you haven't spoken to, Mr. Short.

SHORT
For instance?

SUSAN
I believe Dr. Farley, there, has a bone to pick.

SHORT
Is that true Doctor?

LUCY
Don't listen to her. There was no evidence, nothing.

BOB
It's okay Lucy. Mr. Short has to ask these questions.

LUCY
He can't. You've worked so hard.
 35

SHORT
Tell me about it.

BOB
I grew up with Ambrose and Araminta. She was Araminta Armstrong then. We all went to school
together in Fredricksburg. We were even friends for a while. They were among my first patients
when I came home and opened my practice.

SHORT
What happened?

BOB
There was an accident. Ambrose' brother, Edgar, was injured severely. We did everything we
could, but we couldn't save him. Ambrose blamed Edgar's death on me. He started a rumor that I
used drugs and my judgement was impaired.

LUCY
A vicious lie.

BOB
Well, yes it was. There was a hearing. I was cleared, but my practice fell to nothing. Who wants a
"junkie" for a doctor? I moved here to start over.

LUCY
And now it's all to do over again.

BOB
We'll see. I haven't seen Ambrose since the hearing. And I never wanted to.

SHORT
It must have been a financial disaster as well. Surely you wanted to get even, didn't you?

BOB
I suppose I thought about it. But a doctor who kills people can't build much of a practice either.

GENE
Unless it's your specialty.

ARAMINTA
Actually, Dr. Farley was quite civil when he spoke to Ambrose tonight.
(To aud. mem.)
You were here, did they quarrel?

SHORT
(To aud. mem.)
 36
Well, speak up. Do you remember anything significant? I may have to speak with you again later.
Please do not leave the theater.

LUCY
Dr. Farley is entirely innocent. Simon deserved what he got.

SHORT
Isn't that rather extreme?

LUCY
Not considering what he's done.

SHORT
So Ms. Snyder, I take it you knew Mr. Simon.

LUCY
I never met him. But I heard quite a bit about him. And Mrs. Simon comes by the clinic on
occasion.

SHORT
Isn't that rather odd, Mrs. Simon, considering the bad blood between your husband and Dr. Farley?

ARAMINTA
It's not at all odd. I've known Bob for years, and a good doctor is hard to find. I've always thought
Ambrose was too grief stricken over his brother to think clearly when he made all that trouble.

SHORT
(Back to Lucy)
You seem to be quite incensed with Simon to have never met him. What is your interest here?

LUCY
I work for Dr. Farley. I am a Registered Nurse.

SHORT
Were you working for him when he left Fredricksburg?

LUCY
No I wasn't, but anyone can tell that Dr. Farley is a wonderful doctor. Anything that man said about
him must be lies. I know how much the whole incident hurt Bob, that is, Dr. Farley. It's taken him
forever to get back on his feet, and he's so devoted to his patients. He's mortgaged everything he has
to expand the clinic.

GENE
I think she's sweet on him.

LUCY
 37
(Flustered)
Gene Harding, how could you say such a thing? That's just ridiculous.

JAY
"Methinks the lady protesteth too much."

GENE
Methinks so too.

LUCY
Look to your own defense, Mr. Harding. You also had an axe to grind with Ambrose Simon.
(There are sirens and red lights offstage.)

SHORT
The ambulance appears to be here.

BOB
I'll take care of it.
(He prepares to leave, ARAMINTA goes with him.)

SHORT
Mrs. Simon, please don't leave the building.

BOB
I'll see that she doesn't.

SHORT
Or you either Doctor.
(Returning to GENE)
Well well, Mr. Harding, tell us about it.

GENE
Simon and I had words a time or two.

SHORT
What about?

GENE
What else? My plays.

SHORT
Oh yes, you're something of a playwright aren't you. In fact, you said you wrote this one.

GENE
Yes, this is my first play in a long time.
 38
SHORT
Why is that?

GENE
Well, actually, Simon did such a hatchet job on my last one that I quit writing. I know that's a
stupid thing to do, but I was really discouraged.

SHORT
What play was that?

GENE
"The Devil Toupee."

SHORT
Oh, I see.

GENE
It was such a fun play to do. It felt wonderful to see people laugh in all the right places, having fun,
enjoying themselves. Simon walked out on us at the intermission. He totally shredded the play.
Other critics refused to review it. We felt like fools. Oh, people still came and enjoyed it, but the
life went out of our performance. You want to be taken seriously, you know, even doing comedy.
You want your efforts as an actor, a playwright, or a set designer respected. Jay over there worked
his heart out. Preston did some of his best set design. For some of us, it was the last straw.

SHORT
So you quit writing.
 39
GENE
I tried to continue. I threw away a thousand first pages. I just couldn't go on. It was a long dry spell.
My wife left me finally. I don't really blame her. Susan Landers asked me to try again. This was a
low-pressure thing, and I really had fun. I even agreed to act in it. After all, it's for the Friends.
Without them I'd never have been able to cope.

SHORT
That's a lesson worth learning. I'd say you had a pretty good motive for murder though.

GENE
I've tried to forget about it. I've even tried counseling. I guess Simon was just doing his job. Being
nasty was his trademark. After all, no one would watch Geraldo if he wasn't controversial. Simon
really hurt a lot of people though.

SHORT
So you killed him?

GENE
No, I didn't. I was surprised to see him here. And I certainly wasn't looking forward to his
comments. But I didn't kill him. After all, I was in plain sight over there.
(More noise, etc. from offstage. BAMBI's voice before entering.)

BAMBI
All right, take a look at this, wow!
(Enters carrying large knife, sword, or spear.)
Now this is a murder weapon!

SHORT
Uh, Bambi.

BAMBI
Yes?

SHORT
Simon was shot.

BAMBI
......I knew that. I just thought you . . uh . . might like to see it.
(Exits)

MARGERY
Mr. Short, I find it hard to believe that one of us here had anything to do with Mr. Simon's death.
 40

SHORT
Why not, Mrs. Ramsey?

MARGERY
We have such a great group here, they're not just actors, and every one has given two hundred
percent to this production. There isn't one person who thought any part of it was beneath them. Dr.
Farley there even helped set the lights and move furniture.

SHORT
Well, the fact is, Mrs. Ramsey, they seem to have the best motives.

GEORGIA
Motives.

SHORT
Yes. . . Ms. Ponder, you've been very quiet.

GEORGIA
This whole thing is just awful. Poor Mr. Simon is dead and all anyone can say is how mean he
is . . . or was.

SHORT
Someone did kill him after all. We have to find who it was.

GEORGIA
I know, but I don't see how anyone could do such a thing to a talented person like that.

ARAMINTA
I recognize those signs. She came to see Ambrose last night at the motel.

SHORT
Why would you do that?

GEORGIA
Mr. Simon is a very influential man. He knows people, people who can help me.

SHORT
Help you?

GEORGIA
I don't plan to be doing community theatre forever. There are major producers and directors he can
introduce me to.

SHORT
Why would he do that for you?
 41

GEORGIA
Mr. Simon is well known for the help he's given new actors and actresses.

JAY
Especially actresses.

GEORGIA
I introduced myself to him and we went downstairs for a drink. He agreed to help me.

SHORT
Mr. Simon seems to have an eye for attractive women. Wouldn't you agree Mrs. Simon?

ARAMINTA
Well, he was married to me, but he wasn't a fanatic about it.

SHORT
So you and Simon just talked?

GEORGIA
Mr. Simon was very much a gentleman. He said we'd talk again after the play tonight.

GENE
That'll be tough, unless someone here is a ventriloquist.

SHORT
Mr. Harding, please. And you didn't see him again?

GEORGIA
Not until the performance.

SHORT
Did Mr. Simon say anything to you, or to you Mrs. Simon, about being worried about anything?

GEORGIA
No, not to me.

SHORT
How about you, Mrs. Simon?

ARAMINTA
How do you mean, worried?

SHORT
Had he fought with anyone, or been receiving threats?
 42
ARAMINTA
Well, not lately. He was always receiving letters from theatre people complaining about his
reviews. That was normal. But he was due to retire soon and had cut back considerably.

BAMBI
Eureka, I've found it!
(Runs out holding a gun, covered with rag or blanket.)
Look what I found!

SHORT
(Grabs it away from her.)
I told you not to touch anything!

BAMBI
I'm sorry! But this could be it, couldn't it? The murder weapon, I mean? It was wrapped in an old
blanket.

SHORT
It's quite possible.
(Handles it with handkerchief.)
There does seem to be a slight smell of gunpowder, very weak though.

BAMBI
And look there, just above where I found it. There's a hole in the wall.

SHORT
Yes, I see. There certainly doesn't seem to be a shortage of weapons around here. There are almost
too many to choose from.

ARAMINTA
If you're through with me, I really should be with Ambrose.

SHORT
Not just yet. I don't believe we will be much longer. The answer to the riddle is becoming clear.
Perhaps these good people would like to take their opportunity to solve it now. You have fifteen
minutes to ask your final questions and turn in your clue sheets. And then we will conclude this
messy business. If all of you "actors" will remain out here, available for questions I will ask
BAMBI to assist me in something.

End Act II

(As the others are questioned by the audience, etc. SHORT and BAMBI conceal the
set with a screen. They stay behind the screen a few minutes, they return shortly to answer
questions after removing the screen. SHORT details an audience member to take JAY to get some
coffee and sober up. Upon his return, SHORT is seen pointing and saying something to JAY)
ACT III
 43

TIME: Real time.

GENE
Okay, Short, you've taken long enough. Why haven't the police arrived, and what were you doing
back there?

SHORT
You're certainly in a hurry Mr. Harding. Especially for someone who makes such a convincing
suspect. Your motive for killing Simon is very strong. As was everyone's. I can't recall seeing any
victim so disliked by so many. As for what I was doing, I was simply arranging a little
demonstration.

MARGERY
Do you have an answer for us, Mr. Short?

SHORT
Yes, I have. As we've seen, there are a number of suspects and weapons to choose from. Gene
Harding was a promising playwright who let Simon's criticism put a halt to his career. Simon's
critique at this point, if he were allowed to turn it in, could prove disastrous. Was Simon killed to
prevent that review?

GENE
Why would I? I didn't know he'd be here. And besides, I was right there by that door.

SHORT
That's correct Mr. Harding. So how about the good doctor? Dr. Bob Farley's practice was
endangered by Simon, so much so that he came here to start over. Simon could have stirred it all up
again if not prevented.

LUCY
He couldn't, he just couldn't.

BOB
Lucy, quiet.
 44

SHORT
Lucy Snyder is quite vehement in her defense of Dr. Farley. Let's not forget that Farley was on
stage when the shot was fired. We might have seen him shoot, especially from that position. Ms.
Snyder, however, was off stage and could have done the job.

LUCY
Well!

BOB
That's preposterous and you know it!

SHORT
Indeed . . .As we know, there are others here who would only lose by Simon's presence and
resulting review. A review in which he probably would reveal things some would rather have
forgotten. One is Preston Garner and his so-called "cheesy" sets.

PRESTON
Thanks a lot!

SHORT
I meant no offense. You've done quite well here on a limited budget. Still, what could Simon have
said about it?

PRESTON
I don’t want to know.

SHORT
So, to allow Simon to finish his review could be a catastrophe. The same can be said for all of you.
Jay Flynn is trying to rescue his career from oblivion. Ms. Ponder is trying to get hers started. Let's
not forget Margery Ramsey and the Friends, to whom this production means so much.

LUCY
Oh, come on, surely you don't think the Friends of the Library capable of murder!

MARGERY
Broken kneecaps for overdue books are about our limit.

SHORT
Well, you know, the "Famous Detective School's" first lesson says that the best suspects are friends
and family.
 45

MARGERY
Cute.

SHORT
The point is, all these people had something to lose by Simon's attendance. There is another point,
though, that may eliminate them.

JAY
What's that?

SHORT
Simon was invited here, after all. And probably by his killer. He posed no immediate danger as
long as he stayed away.

GENE
So who does that leave?

SHORT
Ms. Landers was an old flame of Simon's. The question is, did they part as friendly as she says they
did? Is she playing the woman scorned? She doesn't seem to be that passionate about it, though. She
could be putting on an act.

SUSAN
Do you think I'm that good an actress, or that cold?

SHORT
Possibly neither.

SUSAN
What about Mrs. Simon?

SHORT
Mrs. Simon could not have fired the shot, though she may have had plenty of motive.

ARAMINTA
What do you mean?

SHORT
You've already told us that Simon was cheating on you, and we've seen how jealous you are. Is it
possible that your marriage was in trouble?
 46

ARAMINTA
Of course not! Besides, you already said I couldn't have done it!

SHORT
No, you didn't pull the trigger. The question is, who did?
I've asked Mr. Flynn there to give me a hand, after all, he's spent a short time pretending to be me.
Maybe he's learned something. Help Mrs. Simon to her chair, the one at the table.

(Flynn moves over to Araminta as Short crosses to Bob.)

SHORT
I've decided a demonstration is in order. Let us attempt to reenact the crime. Let's have everyone in
their places for the opening curtain.
(Flynn stays near Araminta. As Bob moves to his place as
Lord M's body, Short stops him.)

Not you, Doctor, I would like for you to take Mr. Simon's chair, you're pretty close to his size.

BOB
I don't see what that will accomplish. Honestly, this is the most ridiculous. . . .

SHORT
Please humor me Doctor. I assure you all will be made clear shortly.

BOB
(Sits down, jumps back up.)
I really must protest this farce.
(Flynn sits him back down forcefully.)
What's your part in this?

ARAMINTA
Oh, let him rave, Bob. He's just showing off.

SHORT
(Sitting in Lord M's chair.)
I was initially put off by the definite surplus of possible murder weapons, almost one for every
suspect. The gun from behind the wall was certainly fired, but not within the last two hours or so.
The gun on the desk doesn't work, and we would have seen it used. The prop gun offstage was
apparently fired only the one time, yet two shots were heard.
(Actors slowly move back toward onstage to see what's happening.)

PRESTON
Does that mean you're stumped?

LUCY
 47
I knew it.

SHORT
Not at all, we merely have to look elsewhere.

GENE
What does that mean?

SHORT
Well, we can try the lights.
(To BAMBI Tech.)

Please black us out again.

BOB
You're really stretching now, Short.

SHORT
Not at all, Doctor. Bring the lights up again, please. Now, we still have a problem.
(Looks around.)

This is Lord Mountebank's study, what does he do when he has a problem?

SUSAN
He rings for Miss Claret.

SHORT
Like this?
(As he reaches for the call button, Bob jumps out of chair and to one side.)

Problem, Doctor?

BOB
I don't know what you're playing at, Short, but I've heard quite enough.

SHORT
Oh, but I don't think the rest of us have. Tell us more about how things were between you and the
Simons.
 48

ARAMINTA
What are you saying?
(In the following questions, Jay speaks to Araminta, Short
speaks to Bob. All in rapid sequence.)

JAY
(To Araminta.)
Tell us about Simon's cheating on you.

ARAMINTA
Well, he did but. . . .

SHORT
(To Bob.)
Tell us how he ran you out of town.

BOB
It was lies.......

JAY
How about your visits to the clinic?

ARAMINTA
He's a very good doctor.

SHORT
And the money trouble you were having.

BOB
It was nothing I.....

JAY
How much was Simon worth anyway?

SHORT
Enough to build a new clinic?

JAY
How long have you planned this?

ARAMINTA
Bob!

LUCY
 49
(Runs up to Bob, hits him on chest)
You fool, I told you to leave her alone, you didn't need her. Now look . . .

BOB
(Grabs Lucy and knife from shelf.)
Stop it. Stay back. You'll pardon me if I don't stay for curtain call. I'm leaving.

SHORT
We can't let that happen, Doctor. Don't hurt that woman.

BOB
You couldn't let it go, could you, he deserved it. Both of them did, him and his brother. I'm glad
they're dead. Oh, it was her idea, all right. The money, the money and freedom for both of us. Well,
he's gone and I'm leaving. I'm taking Nurse Lucy here. You can't stop me.
(As he speaks he is backing between the desk and the door at
stage right, placing his back close to the cannon shelf. Short
has followed him around and is between him and the door,
but down stage slightly. JAY is near the desk. SHORT
motions him toward it.)

SHORT
Yes, we'll stop you, but it has to be . . . NOW!
(SHORT grabs LUCY away as JAY hits the call button on
the desk. There is a bang, BOB falls to the floor. LUCY and
ARAMINTA kneel by the body.)

LUCY
Get away from him, look what you've done.

BAMBI
Oh, what happened?

MARGERY
How did you do that?

SHORT
He was caught in his own trap. BAMBI help me reset it. It was a pretty ingenious weapon.

SUSAN
What weapon?
 50

JAY
The cannon, it was wired up to the call button.

PRESTON
You're kidding. That was the weapon?

SHORT
That was it. Dr. Farley set it up this afternoon. He even tested it when he thought he was alone. He
told Ms. Ramsey that story about trying out the blank gun to cover it up. She probably scared him
as much as he did her.

GEORGIA
What about the gun behind the wall?

SHORT
He planted it to divert suspicion, make it seem like someone backstage fired it. It obviously hadn't
been used that recently.
(To audience.)
Luckily for you folks it wasn't, a bullet from that might have gone through three or four of you.

GENE
What happens now?

SHORT
Well, thanks to Jay over there, Farley's out of it for good. I think the rest of us heard enough to
make a good case against Mrs. Simon for conspiracy, or accessory.

ARAMINTA
I didn't do it, you can't prove any of it.

SHORT
Oh, I think we will. It was a clever idea. You might have fooled a "fictional" Parson Short, or even
a real one. You were no match for a room full of sleuths.
(To audience.)
You all deserve a hand.

End of play