The Queen of Mold by Ruth Reichl

In the first chapter of her best-selling memoir, Tender at the Bone: Growing Up at the Table, Ruth Reichl introduces her mother, a notoriously bad cook who ultimately shaped Reichls view of food. This is a true story. Imagine a New York ity apartment at si! in the morning. It is a modest apartment in Greenwich "illage. o##ee is bubbling in an electric percolator. $n the table is a basket o# rye bread% an entire co##ee cake% a #ew cheeses% a platter o# cold cuts. &y mother has been making break#ast'a ma(or meal in our house% one where we sit down to #resh orange (uice e)ery morning% clink our glasses as i# they held wine% and toast each other with * heerio. +a)e a nice day., Right now she is the only one awake% but she is getting impatient #or the day to begin and she cranks -./R up a little louder on the radio% hoping that the noise will rouse e)eryone else. But 0ad and I are good sleepers% and when the sounds o# martial music ha)e no e##ect she barges into the bedroom and shakes my #ather awake. *0arling%, she says% *I need you. Get up and come into the kitchen., &y #ather% a sweet and accommodating person% shu##les sleepily down the hall. +e is wearing loose pa(amas% and the strand o# hair he combs o)er his bald spot stands straight up. +e leans against the sink% holding on to it a little% and obediently opens his mouth when my mother says% *Try this., 1ater% when he told the story% he attempted to con)ey the aw#ulness o# what she had gi)en him. The #irst time he said that it tasted like cat toes and rotted barley% but o)er the years the description got better. Two years later it had turned into pigs2 snouts and mud and #i)e years later he had re#ined the #la)or into a mi!ture o# anti3ue ancho)ies and moldy chocolate. -hate)er it tasted like% he said it was the worst thing he had e)er had in his mouth% so terrible that it was impossible to swallow% so terrible that he leaned o)er and spit it into the sink and then grabbed the co##eepot% put the spout into his mouth% and tried to eradicate the #la)or. &y mother stood there watching all this. -hen my #ather #inally put the co##eepot down she smiled and said% *4ust as I thought. 5poiled6, 7nd then she threw the mess into the garbage can and sat down to drink her orange (uice. 8or the longest time I thought I had made this story up. But my brother insists that my #ather told it o#ten% and with a certain amount o# pride. 7s #ar as I know% my mother was

ne)er embarrassed by the telling% ne)er e)en knew that she should ha)e been. It was (ust the way she was. -hich was taste9blind and una#raid o# rot. *$h% it2s (ust a little mold%, I can remember her saying on the many occasions she scraped the #u::y blue stu## o## some concoction be#ore ser)ing what was le#t #or dinner. 5he had an iron stomach and was incapable o# understanding that other people did not. This taught me many things. The #irst was that #ood could be dangerous% especially to those who lo)ed it. I took this )ery seriously. &y parents entertained a great deal% and be#ore I was ten I had appointed mysel# guardian o# the guests. &y mission was to keep &om #rom killing anybody who came to dinner. +er #riends seemed surprisingly unaware that they took their li)es in their hands each time they ate with us. They chalked their ailments up to the weather% the #lu% or one o# my mother2s more unusual dishes. *No more sea urchins #or me%, I imagined Burt 1angner saying to his wi#e% Ruth% a#ter a dinner at our house% *they (ust don2t agree with me., 1ittle did he know that it was not the sea urchins that had made him ill% but that bargain bee# my mother had #ound so irresistible. *I can make a meal out o# anything%, &om told her #riends proudly. 5he liked to brag about *;)erything 5tew%, a dish in)ented while she was concocting a casserole out o# a two9week9old turkey carcass. <The )ery #act that my mother con#essed to cooking with two9week9old turkey says a lot about her.= 5he put the turkey and a hal# can o# mushroom soup into the pot. Then she began rummaging around in the re#rigerator. 5he #ound some le#to)er broccoli and added that. 7 #ew carrots went in% and then a hal# carton o# sour cream. In a hurry% as usual% she added green beans and cranberry sauce. 7nd then% somehow% hal# an apple pie slipped into the dish. &om looked momentarily horri#ied. Then she shrugged and said% *-ho knows> &aybe it will be good., 7nd she began throwing e)erything in the re#rigerator in along with it'le#to)er p?t@% some cheese ends% a #ew s3uishy tomatoes. That night I set up camp in the dining room. I was particularly worried about the big eaters% and I stared at my #a)orite people as they approached the bu##et% willing them away #rom the casserole. I actually stood directly in #ront o# Burt 1angner so he couldn2t reach the turkey disaster. I lo)ed him% and I knew that he lo)ed #ood. Unknowingly I had started sorting people by their tastes. 1ike a hearing child born to dea# parents% I was shaped by my mother2s handicap% disco)ering that #ood could be a way o# making sense o# the world. 7t #irst I paid attention only to taste% storing away the knowledge that my #ather pre#erred salt to sugar and my mother had a sweet tooth. 1ater I also began to note how people ate% and where. &y brother liked #ancy #ood in #ine surroundings% my #ather only cared about the company% and &om would eat anything so long as the location was e!otic. I was

slowly disco)ering that i# you watched people as they ate% you could #ind out who they were. Then I began listening to the way people talked about #ood% looking #or clues to their personalities. *-hat is she really saying>, I asked mysel# when &om bragged about the in)ention o# her #amous corned bee# ham. *I was gi)ing a party%, she2d begin% *and as usual I le#t e)erything #or the last minute., +ere she2d look at her audience% laughing so#tly at hersel#. *I asked ;rnst to do the shopping% but you know how absentminded he is6 Instead o# picking up a ham he brought me corned bee#., 5he2d look pointedly at 0ad% who would look properly sheepish. *-hat could I do>, &om asked. *I had people coming in a couple o# hours. I had no choice. I simply pretended it was a ham., -ith that 0ad would look admiringly at my mother% pick up his car)ing kni#e% and start ser)ing the masterpiece. &ost mornings I got out o# bed and went to the re#rigerator to see how my mother was #eeling. You could tell instantly (ust by opening the door. $ne day in ABCD I #ound a whole suckling pig staring at me. I (umped back and slammed the door% hard. Then I opened it again. I2d ne)er seen a whole animal in our re#rigerator be#oreE e)en the chickens came in parts. +e was surrounded by tiny crab apples <*lady apples, my mother corrected me later=% and a whole wreath o# weird )egetables. This was not a bad sign: the more odd and interesting things there were in the re#rigerator% the happier my mother was likely to be. 5till% I was pu::ledE the re#rigerator in our small kitchen had been almost empty when I went to bed. *-here did you get all this stu##>, I asked. *The stores aren2t open yet., *$h%, said &om blithely% patting at her crisp gray hair% *I woke up early and decided to go #or a walk. You2d be surprised at what goes on in &anhattan at #our 7.&. I2)e been down to the 8ulton 8ish &arket. 7nd I #ound the most interesting produce store on Bleecker 5treet., *It was open>, I asked. *-ell%, she admitted% *not really., 5he walked across the worn linoleum and set a basket o# bread on the 8ormica table. *But I saw someone mo)ing around so I knocked. I2)e been trying to get ideas #or the party., *Farty>, I asked warily. *-hat party>, *Your brother has decided to get married%, she said casually% as i# I should ha)e somehow intuited this in my sleep. *7nd o# course we2re going to ha)e a party to celebrate the engagement and meet 5helly2s #amily6,

&y brother% I knew% would not welcome this news. +e was thirteen years older than I and considered it a minor miracle to ha)e reached the age o# twenty9#i)e. *I don2t know how I sur)i)ed her cooking%, he said as he was telling me about the years when he and &om were li)ing alone% a#ter she had di)orced his #ather and was waiting to meet mine. *5he2s a menace to society., Bob went to li)e with his #ather in Fittsburgh right a#ter I was born% but he always came home #or holidays. -hen he was there he always helped me protect the guests% using tact to keep them #rom eating the more dangerous items. I took a more direct approach. *0on2t eat that%, I ordered my best #riend 4eanie as her spoon dipped into one o# &om2s more creati)e lunch dishes. &y mother belie)ed in celebrating e)ery holiday: in honor o# 5t. Fatrick she was ser)ing bananas with green sour cream. *I don2t mind the color%, said 4eanie% a trusting soul whose own mother wouldn2t dream o# o##ering you an all9orange +alloween e!tra)agan:a complete with milk dyed the color o# orange (uice. Ida ser)ed the sort o# per#ect lunches that I longed #or: neat s3uares o# cream cheese and (elly on white bread% bologna sandwiches% he# Boyardee straight #rom the can. *It2s not (ust #ood coloring%, I said. *The sour cream was green to begin withE the carton2s been in the re#rigerator #or months., 4eanie 3uickly put her spoon down and when &om went into the other room to answer the phone we ducked into the bathroom and #lushed our lunches down the toilet. *That was great% &im%, said 4eanie when &om returned. *&ay we be e!cused>, is all I said. I wanted to get away #rom the table be#ore anything else appeared. *0on2t you want dessert>, &om asked. *5ure%, said 4eanie. *No6, I said. But &om had already gone to get the cookies. 5he returned with some strange black lumps on a plate. 4eanie looked at them dubiously% then politely picked one up. *$h% go ahead% eat it%, I said% reaching #or one mysel#. *They2re (ust Girl 5cout mint cookies. 5he le#t them on the radiator so all the chocolate melted o##% but they won2t kill you., 7s we munched our cookies% &om asked idly% *-hat do you girls think I should ser)e #or Bob2s engagement party>,

*You2re not going to ha)e the party here% are you>, I asked% holding my breath as I looked around at our li)ing room% tying to see it with a stranger2s eye. &om had moments o# decorating inspiration that usually died be#ore the pro(ect was #inished. The last one% a romance with 0anish modern% had brought a teak dining table% a wicker chair that looked like an egg and hung #rom a chain% and a Rya rug into our li)es. The huge tur3uoise abstract painting along one wall dated #rom that period too. But &om had% as usual% gotten bored% so they were all mi!ed together with my grandmother2s drum table% an ornate break#ront% and some 4apanese prints #rom an earlier% more conser)ati)e period. Then there was the bathroom% my mother2s greatest decorating #eat. $ne day she had decided% on the spur o# the moment% to install gold towels% a gold shower curtain% and a gold rug. They were no problem. But painting all the porcelain gold was a disasterE it almost immediately began peeling o## the sink and it was years be#ore any o# us could take a bath without emerging slightly gilded. &y #ather #ound all o# this slightly amusing. 7n intellectual who had escaped his wealthy German94ewish #amily by coming to 7merica in the twenties% he had absolutely no interest in things. +e was a book designer who li)ed in a black9and9white world o# paper and typeE books were his only passion. +e was kindly and detached and i# he had known that people described him as elegant% he would ha)e been shockedE clothes bored him enormously% when he noticed them at all. *No%, said &om. I e!haled. *In the country. -e ha)e more room in -oton. 7nd we need to welcome 5helly into the #amily properly., I pictured our small% shabby summer house in the woods. -ilton is only an hour #rom New York% but in ABCD it was still )ery rural. &y parents had bought the land cheaply and designed the house themsel)es. 5ince they couldn2t a##ord an architect% they had miscalculated a bit% and the downstairs bedrooms were )ery strangely shaped. 0ad hardly knew how to hold a hammer% but to sa)e money he had built the house himsel# with the aid o# a carpenter. +e was )ery proud o# his handiwork% despite the drooping roo# and awkward layout. +e was e)en prouder o# our long% rutted% meandering dri)eway. *I didn2t want to cut down a single tree6, he said proudly when people asked why it was so crooked. I lo)ed the house% but I was slightly embarrassed by its unpainted wooden walls and uncon)entional character. *-hy can2t we ha)e the party in a hotel>, I asked. In my mind2s eye I saw 5helly2s impeccable mother% who seemed to go to the beauty parlor e)ery day and wore nothing but custom9made clothes. Ne!t to her% &om% a handsome woman who re#used to dye her hair% rarely wore makeup% and had )ery color#ul taste in clothes% looked almost bohemian. 5helly2s mother wore an enormous diamond ring on her beauti#ully manicured #ingerE my mother didn2t e)en wear a wedding band and her #ingernails were short and hapha:ardly polished.

*Nonsense%, said &om. *It will be much nicer to ha)e it at home. 5o much more intimate. I2d like them to see how we li)e% #ind out who we are., *Great%, I said under my breath to 4eanie. *That2ll be the end o# Bob2s engagement. 7nd a couple o# the relati)es might die% but who worries about little things like that>, *4ust make sure she doesn2t ser)e steak tartare%, said 4eanie% giggling. 5teak tartare was the bane o# my e!istence: 0ad always made it #or parties. It was a per#ormance. 8irst he2d break an egg yolk into the mound o# raw chopped steak% and then he2d begin #olding minced onions and capers and -orcestershire sauce into the meat. +e looked tall and sua)e as he mi!ed thought#ully and then asked% his German accent )ery pronounced% #or an assistant taster. Together they added a little more o# this or that and then 0ad care#ully mounded the meat into a round% draped some ancho)ies across the top% and asked me to ser)e it. &y (ob was to spread the stu## onto slices o# party pumpernickel and pass the tray. Unless I had bought the meat mysel# I tried not to let the people I liked best taste 0ad2s che# d2oeu)re. I knew that my mother bought prepackaged hamburger meat at the supermarket and that i# there happened to be some hal#9price% day9old stu## she simply couldn2t resist it. -ith our well9trained stomachs my #ather and I could take whate)er &om was dishing out% but #or most people it was pure poison. 4ust thinking about it made me ner)ous. *I2)e got to stop this party%, I said. *+ow>, asked 4eanie. I didn2t know. I had #our months to #igure it out. &y best hope was that my mother2s mood would change be#ore the party took place. That was not unrealisticE my mother2s moods were erratic. But &arch turned into 7pril and 7pril into &ay and &om was still bu::ing around. The phone rang constantly and she was #eeling great. 5he cut her gray hair )ery short and actually started wearing nail polish. 5he lost weight and bought a whole new wardrobe. Then she and 0ad took a 3uick cruise to the aribbean. *-e booked passage on a United 8ruit #reighter%, she said to her #riends% *so much more interesting than a con)entional cruise., -hen asked about the re)olutions that were then rocking the islands she had a standard response: *The bomb in the hotel lobby in +aiti made the trip much more interesting., -hen they returned she threw hersel# into planning the party. I got up e)ery morning and looked hope#ully into the re#rigerator. Things kept getting worse. +al# a baby goat appeared. Ne!t there was cactus #ruit. But the morning I #ound the bo! o# chocolate9 co)ered grasshoppers I decided it was time to talk to 0ad.

*The plans are getting more elaborate%, I said ominously. *Yes>, said 0ad politely. Farties didn2t much interest him. *It2s going to be a disaster%, I announced. *Your mother gi)es wonder#ul parties%, my #ather said loyally. +e was remarkably blind to my mother2s #ailings% regularly announcing to the world that she was a great cook. I think he actually belie)ed it. +e beamed when someone mentioned my mother2s *interesting dishes, and considered it a compliment when they said% *I2)e ne)er tasted anything 3uite like that be#ore., 7nd% o# course% he ne)er got sick. *0id you know that she2s planning it as a bene#it #or Unice#>, I asked. *Really>, he said. *Isn2t that nice., +e had turned back to the editorials. *0ad6, I said% trying to get him to see how embarrassing this could be. *5he2s sending notices to the newspapers. 5he2s in)iting an aw#ul lot o# people. This thing is getting out o# control. It2s only a month away and she has nothing planned., *It2ll all work out%, 0ad said )aguely% #olding the newspaper into his brie#case. *Your mother is a )ery smart woman. 5he has a Fh0., 7nd then% as i# there was no more to be said% he added% *I2m sure you2ll be a big help., It was hard to get mad at my #ather% who was as ba##led by my mother2s moods as I was% and (ust as helpless be#ore them. They were like the weather: unpredictable% una)oidable% and o#ten unpleasant. 0ad% I think% en(oyed her energy% but then% he could always go to the o##ice when he needed to escape. -hich is what he did now. 0isgusted. I called my brother. Bob li)ed uptown in a #ancy apartment and had as little to do with my parents as he could decently get away with. *5he2s planning to make my engagement party a bene#it>, he asked. *You mean she e!pects 5helly2s #amily to pay to attend>, I hadn2t 3uite considered that aspect% but I could see his point. *I guess so%, I said. *But that2s not the part that worries me. an you imagine &om cooking #or o)er a hundred people in the middle o# summer> -hat i# it2s a really hot day>, Bob groaned. * an2t you get called away on business>, I asked. *-hat i# you had a con#erence you had to go to> -ouldn2t she ha)e to call the whole thing o##>,

Un#ortunately my mother was not the least bit #a:ed when in#ormed that my brother might not be in town. *The party2s not #or you%, she said to Bob% *it2s #or 5helly2s #amily. They2ll come e)en i# you2re too rude not to make an appearance., *But &om%, said Bob% *you can2t ask them to buy tickets to the party., *-hy not>, asked &om. *I think it2s (ust disgusting the way people who ha)e so much #orget about those who are less #ortunate. +ow could you possibly ob(ect to raising money #or underpri)ileged children in honor o# your marriage> I can2t belie)e I ha)e such a sel#ish% thoughtless son6, 7nd &om slammed down the phone. 5he always managed to do that% always turned your arguments against you. 7nd so there we were% AGD people in)ited to lunch on the lawn% a representati)e #rom Unice# and photographers promised #rom all the newspapers. In one o# her more grandiose moments &om wrote her old #riend Bertrand Russell in -ales and asked him to come speakE #ortunately he was nearing his ninetieth birthday and declined. But he did send a hundred copies o# his most recent antiwar booklet% a sort o# #airy tale printed on gold paper. It was called +istory o# the -orld in ;pitome <#or use in &artian in#ant schools= and it was )ery short. The last page was a picture o# a mushroom cloud. *These will make wonder#ul #a)ors6, said &om smugly% pointing out that they were autographed. 5he was so pleased she sent out a #ew more in)itations. *-hat are you going to ser)e>, I asked. *0o you ha)e any ideas>, she replied. *Yes%, I said% *hire a caterer., &om laughed as i# I had made a (oke. But she was mo)ed to call and rent some tables and #olding chairs% so at least the guests wouldn2t be sitting on the ground. I suggested that she hire someone to help cook and ser)e% but she didn2t seem to think that was necessary. *-e can do that oursel)es%, she said blithely. * an2t you get your #riends to help>, *No%, I said% *I can2t., But I did call 4eanie in the city and ask her to ask her parents i# she could come out #or the weekE she thought my mother was *e!citing, and I needed moral support. 7s the party approached% things got worse and worse. &om went on cleaning binges that le#t the house messier when she was done than when she started% and 4eanie and I went around behind her desperately stu##ing things back into closets to create some semblance o# order. &om mowed hal# the lawnE we mowed the other hal#. &eanwhile my #ather% looking apologetic and unhappy% con)eniently came up with a big pro(ect that kept him in the city.

$ne morning &om went to a wholesale #ood company and came back honking her horn loudly% her car #illed to the brim. 4eanie and I rushed out to unload #i#ty pounds o# #ro:en chicken legs% ten pounds o# #ro:en lump crabmeat% industrial9si:e cans o# tomato and split9pea soup% twenty9#i)e9pound sacks o# rice% and two cases o# canned% spiced peaches. *This must be the menu%, I said to 4eanie. *-hat>, she asked. *I bet she2s going to make that aw#ul 3uick soup she thinks is so great. You know% it2s in all the maga:ines. You mi! a can o# tomato soup with a can o# split pea soup% add a little sherry% and top it with crabmeat., *Yuck%, said 4eanie. *Then I guess she2s going to cook those millions o# chicken legs on top o# rice% although how she thinks she2s going to cook them all in our little o)en I don2t know. 7nd the canned spiced peaches can be the )egetableE they2re easy because all you ha)e to do is open the can and put them on the plates., I was surprised <and relie)ed= when she ordered a giant cake #rom the local bakery. That le#t only the hors d2oeu)resE I wondered what she had up her slee)e. The ne!t day I #ound out. 4eanie and I were playing cro3uet% but we put down our mallets when &om2s horn started% and watched the car speed through the trees% lea)ing billows o# dust in its wake. -e ran out to see what she had dragged home. *+orn H +ardart was ha)ing a sale6, &om announced triumphantly% pointing to the bo!es around her. They were #illed with hundreds o# small cartons. It looked promising. *It2s almost like getting it catered%, I said happily to 4eanie as we toted the bo!es inside. &y happiness was short9li)edE when I began opening the cartons I #ound that each contained something di##erent. *The 7utomat sells le#to)ers #or almost nothing at the end o# the day%, said &om% *so I (ust took e)erything they had., 5he was )ery pleased with hersel#. *-hat are you going to do with it>, I asked. *-hy% ser)e it%, she said. *In what>, I asked. *Big bowls%, she said.

*But you don2t ha)e anything to put in big bowls%, I pointed out. *7ll you ha)e is hundreds o# things to put in little bowls. 1ook%, I began ripping the tops o## the cartons% *this one is potato salad. This one is coleslaw. This one is cold macaroni and cheese. +ere2s a beet salad. +ere2s some sliced ham. Nothing matches6, *0on2t worry%, said &om% *I2m sure we can make something out o# all o# this. 7#ter all% e)erything in it is good., *Yes%, I muttered to 4eanie% *and by the time it gets ser)ed e)erything in it will be #our days old. It will be a miracle i# it2s not moldy., *I think it would be better i# it was%, said practical 4eanie. *I# people see mold they won2t eat it., *Fray #or rain%, I said. Un#ortunately% when I woke up on the day o# the party there was not a cloud in the sky. I pulled the co)ers o)er my head and went back to sleep. But not #or long. *Nobody sleeps today%, &om announced% ine!orably pulling back the co)ers. *It2s party day6, 5ome o# the #ood had ac3uired a thin )eneer o# mold% but &om blithely scraped it o## and began mi!ing her terrible +orn H +ardart mush. *It2s delicious6, she cried% holding out a spoon#ul. It wasn2t. 8ortunately it looked e)en worse than it tasted. I thought the chicken legs were a little dubious tooE in order to get them all cooked we had started two days earlier% and the re#rigerator couldn2t hold them all. But they glistened in)itingly% and the o)en9baked rice looked #ine. -e spooned the peaches into &om2s big glass bowls% and they looked beauti#ul. I wasn2t )ery happy about the soup. &om had le#t the crabmeat out o# the #ree:er to de#rost #or two days% and e)en she didn2t like the way it was smelling. *I think I2ll (ust add a little more sherry%, she kept saying as she poured in bottles o# the stu##. *Feople will get drunk on the soup%, I said. *8ine%, she said gaily% *then maybe they2ll donate more to Unice#., &y brother arri)ed% took one look at the rickety chairs on our une)en lawn% and headed straight #or the bar. &om had hired some local high school boys to be bartenders% and they were pouring whiskey as i# it were oke. *You2)e got to stay sober%, I said to him. *You2)e got to make sure that nobody in 5helly2s #amily eats the soup. 7nd they should probably watch out #or the chicken too., Bob had another drink.

&y memories o# the party are merci#ully blurred% but a yellowed clipping #rom the Norwalk +our tells part o# the story. &y mother looks radiantly into the camera beneath a headline reading -I1T$N 87&I1Y +$5T5 B;N;8IT 8$R UNI ;8. 7 #amily photograph o# me handing a check to a grinning o##icial in #ront o# a sign that says 5; URITY $UN I1 in both 8rench and ;nglish tells another part o# the tale. But my brother owns the end o# the story. Thirty9#i)e years later his children can still make him turn green by asking% *Remember the time Nana &imi poisoned e)eryone>, *$oh%, he moans% *don2t remind me. It was aw#ul. 8irst she e!torted money #rom them. Then she ga)e out those antibomb #a)orsE it was the early si!ties% #or hrist sake% and these were conser)ati)e businessmen and housewi)es. But the worse thing was the phone calls. They kept coming all night long. Nobody #elt good. Twenty9si! o# them actually ended up in the hospital ha)ing their stomachs pumped. -hat a way to meet the #amily6, I missed all that% but I do remember the phone ringing while we were still cleaning up. &om was still e!ulting in the photographer2s #lashbulbs% and saying #or what seemed like the #orty9se)enth time% *1ook how much money we raised6, 5he picked up the recei)er. *Yes>, said &om brightly. I think she e!pected it to be another reporter. Then her )oice drooped with disappointment. *-ho doesn2t #eel well>, There was a long silence. &om ran her hand through her chic% short coi##ure. *Really>, she said% sounding shocked. *7ll o# them>, 5he slumped a little as her bright red #ingernails went #rom her hair to her mouth. Then her back straightened and her head shot up. *Nonsense%, I heard her say into the phone. *-e all #eel #ine. 7nd we ate e)erything.,