Positive Psychology: The Resilience Factor

By Rick Olson, PeakEffectiveness.com March 27, 2007 This is basically a very condensed s mmary of Reivich ! "hatte#s book The Resilience Factor: Seven Essential Skills for Overcoming Lifes Inevitable Obstacles $200%&.

A. Introduction
Resilience is a cr cial in'redient(()erha)s the cr cial in'redient((to a ha))y, healthy life. More than anythin' else, it*s +hat determines ho+ hi'h +e rise above +hat threatens to +ear s do+n, from battlin' an illness, to bolsterin' a marria'e, to carryin' on after a national crisis. Everyone needs resilience. , resilient vie+ is characteri-ed by accurate and flexible thinkin', and consists of creative )roblem solvin', the ca)acity to see other )oints of vie+ and to challen'e one#s o+n vie+s, and the ability to move on +ith daily life des)ite obstacles. Most im)ortantly, resilience is not . st an ability that +e*re born +ith and need to s rvive, b t a skill that anyone can learn and im)rove in order to thrive. The Resilience Factor b ilds on "eli'man#s Learned O timism by describin' )roven techni/ es for enhancin' o r ca)acity to +eather even the cr elest setbacks, s ch that readers of the book +ill flo rish, thanks to their enhanced ability to overcome obstacles of any kind. The Resilience Factor +ill teach readers to0 1ast off harsh self(criticisms and ne'ative self(ima'es 2avi'ate thro 'h the fallo t of any kind of crisis 1o)e +ith 'rief and an3iety Overcome obstacles in relationshi)s, )arentin', or on the .ob ,chieve 'reater )hysical health Bolster o)timism, take chances, and embrace life 4n li'ht of the n)recedented challen'es +e*ve recently faced, there*s never been a 'reater need to boost o r resilience

5o r research driven )illars that )rovide the fo ndation for the skills of resilience0
6. 2.

7ife chan'e is )ossible. Thinkin' is the key in boostin' resiliency. The +ay +e think abo t daily stress and challen'es directly affects o r resilience. 8e can become more resilient by chan'in' ho+ +e think abo t challen'es and adversity. ,cc rate thinkin' is the key. , resilient )ers)ective is based on accurate and flexible thinkin'. Refoc s on the h man stren'ths.
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B. What is Resilience?

Resilience is 'enerally defined as the ability to :co)e +ell +ith adversity; and :)ersevere and ada)t +hen thin's 'o a+ry.; Resilience is the ability to0 Overcome the obstacles of childhood "teer thro 'h the everyday adversities the befall s Bo nce back from setbacks that occ r Reach o t to achieve all yo are ca)able of.

Research tells s that resilient )eo)le are healthier and live lon'er are more s ccessf l in school and .obs are ha))ier in relationshi)s are less )rone to de)ression Resilience hel)s )eo)le deal +ith stress and adversity overcome childhood disadvanta'e reach o t to ne+ o))ort nities O r res)onses to stress involve biolo'ical, environmental, and )sycholo'ical factors. There is +ide variability in the )attern and intensity of )eo)le#s )hysiolo'ical res)onses to stress. Beca se of individ al biolo'ical differences in the f nctionin' of the a tonomic, endocrine, and imm ne systems, some )eo)le are very v lnerable to stress and others m ch less so. "imilarly, )eo)le#s environments differ in the n mber and nat re of stressf l events they enco nter, the availability of s ))ortive friends and relatives, and the c lt ral norms that teach s ho+ to res)ond to adverse events. ,ltho 'h e3ercise and rela3ation techni/ es can stren'then o r biolo'ical res)onse to stress, and comm nity action can hel) make the )laces +e live less stressf l and more s ))ortive, the stron'est infl ences on o r res)onse to stress are )sycholo'ical factors, namely, the +ay +e think.

C. Central to resilience are our beliefs. What beliefs are involved in resilient thin ing?
O r beliefs abo t the f t re $o)timism vers s )essimism&, o rselves $self(efficacy vers s hel)lessness&, and o r )erce)tions of control, commitment, and challen'e $hardiness& are all related to the resilience +ith +hich +e ada)t to stress and adversity. !o" is o#ti$is$ related to resilience? O r beliefs abo t the +ay thin's +ill t rn o t have a si'nificant infl ence on the +ays in +hich +e res)ond to stress and adversity. O)timistic )eo)le e3)ect that in the end thin's +ill t rn o t +ell, des)ite the diffic lties they may face in the )resent. Pessimists, on the other hand, tend to vie+ the f t re as ncertain at best and, at +orst, filled +ith contin ed diffic lties and ins rmo ntable str ''les. O)timists vie+ themselves as less hel)less in the face of stress than )essimists do, they ad. st better to ne'ative events, and they have a
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lo+er risk of an3iety and de)ression. O)timism also a))ears to affect o r )hysical +ell( bein'. , st dy of +omen bein' treated for breast cancer revealed that o)timists lived lon'er d rin' the five years of the st dy, even +hen the )hysical severity of the disease +as the same at the o tset of the st dy. !o" is self%efficacy related to resilience? O r vie+s abo t the f t re are very m ch related to o r vie+s abo t o rselves and o r ability to co)e +ith the demands of a stressf l sit ation. The conviction that +e have the reso rces to deal +ith an adverse event )redicts a better ad. stment than the belief that +e are inca)able $Band ra, 6<<7&. These beliefs abo t o r ability to co)e +ith stress and solve o r )roblems are referred to as self(efficacy and are al+ays s)ecific to the )artic lar sit ation. 8e develo) these beliefs thro 'h s ccessf l e3)eriences in similar sit ations, by +atchin' others co)e s ccessf lly, and by bein' enco ra'ed by others +ho believe +e can be s ccessf l. &ote: 'elf%efficacy is a result of $astery - Martin "eli'man and his collea' es have ar' ed that self(esteem has t+o com)onents0 :doin' +ell; and :feelin' 'ood.; =oin' +ell creates confidence in o r ability to think and co)e +ith the basic challen'es of life. 5eelin' 'ood re/ ires s to feel +orthy and to be confident of o r ri'ht to be ha))y. "eli'man ar' es that there is no +ay of teachin' )eo)le to feel 'ood +itho t their first doin' +ell. 4n other +ords, feelin' 'ood is a side effect of masterin' challen'es, overcomin' fr strations, and solvin' )roblems > that is, of doin' +ell. "t dents can be asked to recall instances of doin' +ell > solvin' )roblems and overcomin' obstacles > that have 'iven them confidence and a sense of self(efficacy. !o" is hardiness related to resilience? O)timism and self(efficacy are obvio sly linked to the three 1#s of hardiness, +hich resilient )eo)le have in common +hich serve to )rotect them from stress0 1ontrol0 a belief in their ability to take char'e of the controllable as)ects of a sit ation and :infl ence a more )ositive o tcome; 1hallen'e0 a vie+ of mistakes as o))ort nities for ne+ learnin', and chan'e as )otential for 'ro+th 1ommitment0 an active en'a'ement in +ork and other ) rs its that )rovides a basis of meanin' for their lives

Resilient, or :hardy,; individ als believe that they can infl ence the o tcomes of events $control&, they believe that +hat they do is im)ortant $commitment&, and they assess stressf l events as challen'es to master $challen'e& rather than as threats to their +ell( bein'. The most )o+erf l belief in b fferin' the ne'ative effects of stress is the belief that +e are in control. 1learly o r beliefs abo t o r ability to co)e $self(efficacy& and o r vie+ of the f t re $o)timism or )essimism& are involved in o r assessments of ho+ m ch +e can infl ence a 'iven sit ation. Research into hardiness, self(efficacy, and o)timism all s ''est that certain beliefs hel) s to co)e better and to live lon'er, healthier, and ha))ier lives. The beliefs behind o r e3)lanations of the events in o r lives often need more caref l scr tiny if +e are to make o r thinkin' more acc rate and fle3ible.
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"t dies of hardiness, self(efficacy, and o)timism have all fo nd that o r res)onses to stress are to a lar'e e3tent determined by o r tho 'hts and beliefs. The +ay +e think abo t stress and adversity, o r beliefs abo t o r abilities, and o r attit des to+ard the f t re have )o+erf l effects on ho+ +e co)e. Peo)le +ho f nction +ell in the face of )sycholo'ical and )hysical stress share these three beliefs that distin' ish them from )eo)le +ho do not.

(. 'even Critical Factors That Co$#rise Resilience

Resilience as a conce)t is some+hat diffic lt to define and meas re. "even critical factors, or inner stren'ths, that com)rise resilience have been isolated0 )$otion Regulation > The ability to stay calm nder )ress re. Resilient )eo)le can control their emotions, es)ecially in the face of a challen'e or adversity, in order to stay 'oal foc sed. This factor is im)ortant for s cceedin' at +ork, formin' intimate relationshi)s and maintainin' )hysical health. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, 2, %, ? and 7, described belo+& I$#ulse Control > The ability to rein in yo r behavior nder )ress re. $1losely links to Emotional Re' lation& $"kills to increase incl de0 6, 2, 9, ? and 7& Causal Analysis > The ability to com)rehensively > and acc rately > identify the ca ses of )roblems, +hich hel)s yo to avoid the same mistakes over and over. 1a sal ,nalysis is driven by yo r E3)lanatory "tyle > the +ay yo e3)lain to yo rself +hy a )roblem has occ rred. @o r E3)lanatory "tyle can hel) or hinder yo r )roblem solvin' ability. Aood )roblem solvin' is the cornerstone of resilience, and yo can learn to fle3 aro nd yo r style to become more resilient. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, 2, 9 and 7& $2ote this b ilds on "eli'man#s Learned O timism.& 'elf%)fficacy > O r sense of com)etence and mastery in the +orld. This resiliency factor re)resents o r belief that +e can solve )roblems +e may e3)erience and o r faith in o r ability to s cceed. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, 9,B and 7& Realistic *#ti$is$ > , belief that thin's can chan'e for the better, that there is ho)e for the f t re and that yo can control the direction of yo r life. 4n the tr ly resilient )erson, these beliefs are tem)ered by a healthy sense of reality > nlike nbridled or nrealistic o)timism, +hich may lead to )oor risk assessment and bad decisions. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, 9 and 7& )$#athy > Co+ +ell yo are able to read other )eo)le#s c es to their )sycholo'ical and emotional states. 4f yo score hi'h on Em)athy, yo have e3cellent )eo)le skills, +hich make yo a more effective leader, team member, friend, s)o se and )arent. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, % and 7& Reaching *ut > The ability to seek o t ne+ o))ort nities challen'es and relationshi)s > to :) sh the envelo)e; in all areas of yo r life for 'reater satisfaction, s ccess and resilience. $"kills to increase incl de0 6, %, B and 7&
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). The 'even ' ills of Resilience % What can I do to be $ore resilient?

There are many thin's +e can do to increase o r resilience. 4n addition to takin' 'ood care of o rselves )hysically by 'ettin' eno 'h slee), eatin' n tritio s food, and e3ercisin' re' larly, +e can learn ho+ to increase the acc racy and fle3ibility of o r thinkin'. The Resilience 5actor describes the seven skills belo+, +hich +ill 'ive yo o))ort nities to0 increase yo r a+areness of the relationshi) bet+een yo r tho 'hts and yo r emotions. 'ain insi'ht into yo r beliefs +hen thin's 'o +ron'. look for alternative beliefs +hen yo are e3)eriencin' debilitatin' emotions. +no" Thyself ' ills: 6. ABC ,Adversity- Beliefs- Conse.uences/ @o are +hat yo think. 4t is not the events that ha))en to s that ca se o r feelin's and behaviors > it is o r tho 'hts or beliefs abo t the events that drive ho+ +e feel and +hat +e do. There are :+hy; beliefs and :+hat ne3t; beliefs. $"ee 1o'nitive Behavioral Thera)y, ,))endi3 6. 2ote ho+ "eli'man in Learned O timism b ilt on co'nitive behavioral thera)y, and no+ The Resilience Factor e3tends it f rther.& 8e kno+ from o r everyday e3)eriences that +hat +e think and ho+ +e feel are very m ch related. 8hen yo are feelin' ha))y and a friend doesn#t ret rn a )hone call, yo . st think she#s too b sy or has for'otten. Beca se of the +ay yo inter)ret her behavior, yo sim)ly 'ive her another call. B t +hen yo are an3io s and de)ressed, yo may see her fail re to ret rn that call as a comment abo t yo r +orth to her. @o r inter)retation of her behavior makes yo feel increasin'ly bad abo t yo rself and yo r friendshi), and so it is m ch less likely that yo +ill 'ive her another call. 1o'nition and emotion are intricately bo nd to'ether. The centers in the brain res)onsible for each are in constant comm nication +ith each other. That o r emotions and moods affect o r thinkin' is readily a))arent in o r everyday e3)erience. ,ltho 'h it is less obvio s ho+ o r tho 'hts affect o r emotions and moods, +e do kno+ that co'nition and emotion have a reci)rocal relationshi)D that is, the infl ence r ns both +ays. 5or the most )art +e res)ond to the events in o r lives in reasonable and )rod ctive +ays that allo+ s to carry on +ith o r lives. 8e s ally deal +ith o r emotions in +ays that enhance o r health and +ell(bein', b t there are times +hen +e e3)erience debilitatin' emotions that don#t hel) s to solve o r )roblems and don#t motivate s to en'a'e in constr ctive actions. Many of s brood contin o sly abo t the si'nificance of adverse events, and +e feel the corres)ondin' emotions over and over a'ain b t to no advanta'e. 8e lie a+ake at ni'ht thinkin' abo t the events, and +e become irritable. Rather than bein' hel)f l, o r emotions have become debilitative. They add to o r distress from the ori'inal event and )revent s from carryin' on +ith o r lives, solvin' )roblems, and bo ncin' back. Each of s is )artic larly sensitive to certain kinds of adversity or events, +hich are more likely than others to illicit these debilitatin' emotions. These lon'(lastin', s ally intense emotions s)rin' from o r +ay of thinkin'. 4f +e +ere to describe these beliefs to other )eo)le $or even to o rselves&, they +o ld )robably a))ear hi'hly inacc rate and illo'ical.
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Reivich and "hattE ar' e that the first ste) in becomin' more resilient is to 'ain self( a+areness, s)ecifically, to listen to o r inter)retations of adverse events. 8hat do +e say to o rselves +hen +e are )setF 8hat is o r interior monolo' e +hen thin's 'o +ron'F 4t is )artic larly im)ortant to ask o rselves those / estions +hen +e are nder stress and not co)in' +ell, that is, +hen +e are feelin' debilitatin', non)rod ctive emotions s ch as the ones described above. These emotions are intense and lon'(lastin', and they don#t hel) s to solve the )roblem or take constr ctive action for the f t re. Reivich and "hattE s ''est that each of s has o r o+n ni/ e reactions to )artic lar sit ations that :) sh o r b ttons.; 8e can se the ,B1 model to 'ain insi'ht into the tho 'hts +e have, and +e can eval ate +hether or not they are acc rate. The first ste), ho+ever, is . st to become a+are of o r interior monolo' e. 4n other +ords, +e need to nderstand +hat tho 'hts, e3)lanations, and inter)retations +e have +hen thin's 'o +ron'. Reivich and "hattE )rovided the table attached as ,))endi3 %, entitled :8hich ,dversities P sh @o r B ttons; to hel) yo identify adversities that may be +orth investi'atin'. They also s ''est +e observe o r tho 'hts d rin' adverse events, )artic larly those that seem to distress s m ch more than seems reasonable. They describe a :bee)er; e3ercise that involves settin' a timer or )ro'rammable +atch to bee) thro 'ho t the day and then recordin' o r tho 'hts each time the bee)er so nds. , less intr sive method +o ld be to kee) a diary or .o rnal that incl des yo r tho 'hts and beliefs d rin' times of stress and adversity. ,lso attached as ,))endi3 9 +ith a list of :4neffectives; +hich may also be sef l. 4t is im)ortant to se +hatever method hel)s yo to become more a+are of the beliefs yo have that connect the adverse events in yo r life +ith yo r emotional reactions and yo r behavior. 5or many )eo)le, it is easy to identify the adverse event $,& and their feelin's and behavior $1&. B t is m ch more diffic lt to fi' re o t +hat beliefs $the B )art& led them to feel and react that +ay. Reivich and "hattE describe a series of beliefs that are connected to s)ecific feelin's and kinds of behavior. The chart belo+ o tlines the links bet+een s)ecific beliefs and emotions that are )redictable and niversal. The a thors have charted only the :ne'ative; emotions, since they are commonly the ones +e e3)erience in times of adversity. Belief 0 Conse.uences Cou#lets that Reivich and "hatte say al+ays 'o to'ether0 Belief0 Hiolation of yo r ri'hts Real +orld loss or loss of self(+orth Hiolation of another#s ri'hts 2e'ative com)arison to others 5 t re threat These co )lets can be sed to0 a. disentan'le the mi3t re of emotions yo e3)erience +hen faced the a b tton() sh adversity and 1onse/ enceGEmotion ,n'er "adness, de)ression A ilt Embarrassment ,n3iety, fear Ty)e 8hy 8hy 8hy 8hy 8hat ne3t

b. identify the beliefs that are ca sin' yo to 'et :st ck; in a )artic lar emotion, 'ain nderstandin' of +hy yo reacted as yo did, and learn to kee) yo r bearin's in even the most stressf l of circ mstances. Th s the ,B1 model consists of identifyin' the adversities that ) sh yo r b tton $ sin' a checklist andGor kee)in' an :emotion lo';&, then sin' the ,dversity and the 1onse/ enceGEmotion to fi' re o t the :Ticker Ta)e Beliefs; that ca sed the conse/ ence. 8ith a series of s ch events, mi'ht be'in to identify a )attern. The beliefs identified in this ste) sho ld be cross(checked +ith the 1o )lets table, and if the Ticker Ta)e Belief does not match the emotion felt, then f rther )eelin' of the onion is needed to 'et to nderlyin' beliefs. Reco'ni-in' yo r beliefs +ill hel) yo to nderstand better +hy certain adverse events ca se yo to feel stron', lon'(lastin', and debilitatin' emotions. @o r beliefs +ill 'ive yo insi'ht into +hat kinds of adversity :) sh yo r b ttons;D and once yo have identified these beliefs, yo can e3amine them for acc racy. 4t is im)ortant to )ay )artic lar attention to beliefs that seem irrational or inacc rate. 4s there another +ay to vie+ the sit ationF ,re there other beliefs that +o ld more acc rately e3)lain +hat has ha))ened and +hat yo need to do abo t itF Once yo have identified yo r beliefs, yo can be'in to challen'e them. 4t is hel)f l to think abo t )la sible, alternative beliefs. 5or e3am)le, ima'ine yo find o t that several friends have or'ani-ed a )arty b t have not invited yo . @o find yo rself feelin' / ite an'ry, and yo have been thinkin' abo t ho+ r de and inconsiderate it +as for them to leave yo o t. @o find yo rself avoidin' these friends and bein' aloof +hen yo are ith them. The ,B1#s of this adverse event mi'ht look like this0 , I 2ot bein' invited to the )arty. B I These friends have treated me badlyD they have e3cl ded me. :Co+ r de to leave me o t. 4 tho 'ht 4 these )eo)le +ere my friends, b t they are mean.; 1 I 5eelin' an'ry and actin' in a hostile and aloof manner +ith these friends. 4ma'ine that after e3aminin' yo r beliefs in this sit ation, yo reali-e that they may not be entirely acc rate, or at least yo s s)ect that there mi'ht be other beliefs that +o ld e3)lain yo r classmates# behavior. ,fter all, they are still friendly and they#re ha))y to see yo . They are not actin' as tho 'h they dislike yo , and they have done nothin' else that yo +o ld inter)ret as mean. Perha)s they for'ot to invite yo or tho 'ht yo had to +ork that evenin'. @o can )robably 'enerate many other )ossible e3)lanations for their behavior that +o ld lead yo to have very different feelin's and en'a'e in si'nificantly different behavior. Cere is an e3am)le0 , I 2ot bein' invited to the )arty. B I :These )eo)le s ally incl de me in their )lans. They are friendly and other+ise seem to en.oy my com)any. There m st be some reason 4 am not invited. 4 +onder +hat it is.;
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1 I 5eelin' ) --led, and conf sed and askin' them abo t their )lans and +hether 4 co ld .oin them. "ince it can be diffic lt to search for )la sible, alternative beliefs, there are times +hen talkin' to someone else is hel)f l. ,nother hel)f l method for 'eneratin' alternative beliefs is to ) t yo rself in the other )erson#s )osition. 4n this case it +o ld be to vie+ not bein' invited to the )arty from yo r friends# )ers)ective. 4ncreasin' o r self(a+areness by artic latin' o r beliefs and observin' their connection to o r emotions and behavior is a vital first ste) in increasin' the acc racy and fle3ibility o r thinkin'. =oin' o r ,B1#s is the first ste) in increasin' o r resilience. "ome of the diffic lties and the benefits of sin' the ,B1 model and develo)in' alternative beliefs are as follo+s0 "ome common diffic lties identified incl de the follo+in'0 They may not be able to se)arate their beliefs from their emotional reactions. 4t can be hard to take another )ers)ective +hen they are an'ry. 4t is time(cons min' to try to identify their beliefs. 4t is hard to 'ive ) one#s beliefs and entertain the )ossibility that there is another +ay to vie+ the sit ation. "ome common benefits incl de the follo+in'0 4t )rovides insi'ht into one#s reactions. 4t hel)s )romote )roblem solvin'. 4t hel)s to red ce distress by enablin' the )erson to consider other )ossible beliefs. 4t hel)s to )reserve relationshi)s by develo)in' em)athy. 2. Avoiding Thin ing Tra#s $1heck for J thinkin' errors& a. K m)in' to concl sions b. T nnel vision c. Ma'nifyin' and minimi-in' d. Personali-in' e. E3ternali-in' f. Over'enerali-in' '. Mind readin' h. Emotional reasonin'
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Many of these are :lea)s of abstraction; ) the :ladder of inference; $that Peter "en'e talked abo t in :The 5ifth =isci)line; and the follo+in' 5ieldbooks& +hich often lead to erroneo s concl sions based on incorrect beliefs or ass m)tions )on +hich the concl sions +ere based. To be resilient does not mean yo cannot )ersonali-e or 'enerali-e, b t that the beliefs be based on reality. This im)lies that yo r ass m)tions and beliefs $and 'eneral :r les; abo t ho+ the +orld +orks based on ind ctive reasonin'& need to be checked a'ainst other )eo)le#s realities $or thro 'h reflection and in/ iry& to 'et a better sense of +hat is real. $5or more e3am)les of 2e'ative Thinkin', see ,))endi3 2.& %. (etecting Iceberg Beliefs 7ook for nderlyin' beliefs abo t ho+ the +orld o 'ht to o)erate and ho+ yo feel yo o 'ht to o)erate +ithin that +orld. Many )eo)le have iceber' beliefs that fall into one of three 'eneral cate'ories or themes0 a. achievement $or its com)anion, )erfection&, b. acce)tance and c. control. ,sk, :8hat is this belief costin' meF Co+ is it hel)in' meF 4s it the best choice in this sit ation to ma3imi-e the benefitGcost ratioF; ,ssimilation bias and confirmation bias make the nderlyin' beliefs hard to e3orcise. "te)s to detect iceber' beliefs0 a. 1heck +hether yo r 1s are o t of )ro)ortion to yo r Bs. b. 1heck +hether the / ality of yo r 1 is mismatched +ith the cate'ory of yo r Bs. c. 1heck +hether yo are str ''lin' to make a seemin'ly sim)le decision. Cel)f l / estions incl de0 8hat does that mean to meF 8hat is the most )settin' )art of that to meF 8hat is the +orst )art of that to meF 8hat does that say to meF 8hat is so bad abo t thatF 1han'e "kills0 1. Challenging Beliefs ,the 2(3 or 2(is#utation3 in (r. 'elig$an4s $odel/ d. ,B1 an adversity
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e. Pie chart the ca ses f. 4dentify yo r e3)lanatory style $Me, ,l+ays, Everythin' $i.e.. )ersonal, )ermanent, )ervasive&F '. Bein' fle3ible > are there other )ossible alternative ca sesF h. Bein' acc rate > +hat evidence is there for and a'ainst believed ca sesF i. 2e+ )ie chart

.. 1reate sol tion based on the most likely. B. Putting it in Pers#ective The skill of :decatastro)hi-in'; or :) ttin' it in )ers)ective; enables yo to e3amine yo r beliefs abo t the f t re and to 'enerate alternative beliefs in m ch the same +ay that the ,B1 model sho+ed yo ho+ to reco'ni-e and challen'e yo r beliefs abo t the ca ses of ne'ative events and their emotional connections. Revich ! "hattE s ''est first describin' the best )ossible o tcome of the ne'ative event, the +orst )ossible o tcome, and the most likely o tcome. 2e3t they )ro)ose . d'in' the likelihood that each +ill ha))en. This is follo+ed ) +ith 'eneratin' )ossible sol tions to deal +ith the most likely o tcome. 4n order to do this kind of thinkin', "eli'man and his collea' es form lated si3 / estions +e can ask o rselves0 a. b. c. d. e. f. 8hat is the +orst thin' that can ha))enF 8hat is one thin' 4 can do to hel) sto) the +orst thin' from ha))enin'F 8hat is the best thin' that can ha))enF 8hat is one thin' 4 can do to make the best thin' ha))enF 8hat is the most likely thin' that +ill ha))enF 8hat can 4 do to handle the most likely thin' if it ha))ensF

By askin' o rselves these / estions +e can increase the acc racy of o r beliefs abo t the f t re and hel) o rselves to re' late o r emotions, )artic larly an3iety and des)air. Aainin' a+areness of o r )atterns of thinkin' and makin' an effort to challen'e o r beliefs abo t the ca ses and f t re threats of ne'ative events in o r lives are )roven +ays to be'in to increase o r resilience. The last ste) in this activity is to se )roblem(solvin' strate'ies to 'enerate a co rse of action for dealin' +ith the most likely o tcome of a diffic lt sit ation. "eli'man and his collea' es s ''est the follo+in' techni/ e0 a. b. c. d. e. "lo+ do+n > sto) and think. Take the other )erson#s )oint of vie+. 1hoose a 'oal and make a list of )ossible )aths for reachin' it. 4dentify the )l ses and min ses of each )ath. Eval ate the sol tion > if it didn#t +ork try another.

10

?. Cal$ing and Focusing "to) Tho 'hts +ith controlled breathin', or )ro'ressive m scle rela3ation "et TimeG8rite > "carlett0 :4#ll think abo t this tomorro+.; Mental Aames > ,l)habet 'ame, cate'ories, son' lyrics, etc. Lse )ositive ima'ery, e.'., / iet )lace or s ccessf lly meetin' the challen'e ahead 7. Real Ti$e Resiliency ,lternatives0 , more acc rate +hat of seein' this isM Evidence0 That#s not tr e beca seM. 4m)lications0 , more likely o tcome is M and 4 can M to deal +ith it. $P ttin' it into Pers)ective&

F. Additional Resources
ResiliencyOnline Trainin' Pro'ram htt)0GG+++.reflectiveha))iness.comG,bo tLsGResilienceOnline.as)3F"o rceICo+4t8orks N6<<

11

Appendix 1.

Cognitive Behavioral Theory

The behavioral )sycholo'ists dominated the field for decades. Their belief can be s mmari-ed by the follo+in' form la0 Behavior I $f& Ceredity O Environment 5rom this form la it is sho+n that behaviorists ackno+led'e the infl ence of both heredity and e3)erience or environment on behavior, +itho t re'ard to ho+ the mind may affect the e/ ation. The co'nitive theorists* came alon' and develo)ed an alternative model +hich reco'ni-es the roles of heredity and environment in h man behavior, b t adds a third, critical conce)t, Ph man a'ency.P C man a'ency is a distinctly h man characteristic +hich enables s to 'overn or ca se behavior thro 'h o r o+n tho 'ht )rocesses. Behavior I $f& Ceredity O Environment O C man ,'ency. The fore'oin' brief e3)lanations, +hich incl des t+o form las, demonstrate the main difference bet+een behavior and co'nitive theory. 8hile necessarily sim)listic, it does hi'hli'ht the essential difference bet+een these t+o theories in their a))roach to nderstandin' h man behavior. PThe ca)acity to e3ercise control over one*s o+n tho 'ht )rocesses, motivation and action is a distinctively h man characteristic,P says =r. ,lbert Band ra, a leadin' co'nitive theory )sycholo'ist and researcher at "tanford Lniversity. PBeca se . d'ment and actions are )artly self(determined, )eo)le can affect chan'e in themselves and their sit ations thro 'h their o+n efforts.P Many of the theoretical develo)ments in the field of co'nitive )sycholo'y have come from the research of ,aron Beck and ,lbert Ellis. ,s the name im)lies, co'nitive )sycholo'y foc ses on the +ay +e think and feel in the )resent. 1onse/ ently, the cognitive and cognitive-behavioral
psychotherapies seek to change unhealthy behavior by changing the way we think about events. Further, cognitivebehavioral therapy was developed after the recognition by Aaron Beck that changes in thoughts do not necessarily result in changes in behavior. This therapy aims to change dysfunctional thoughts and dysfunctional behavior

The fo r basic ass m)tions nderlyin' co'nitive(behavior thera)y 6. Patients res)ond to their inter)retation of events, not the reality. 2. Tho 'hts, behavior, and feelin's are interrelated and therefore infl ence each other. %. " ccessf l thera)y de)ends on chan'in' the +ay )atients think abo t themselves and the +orld. 9. 4t is im)ortant to chan'e both behavior and thinkin'.

12

5nderlying Theory of Cognitive Thera#y

Stimulus

Emotion

1o'nitive )sycholo'y tends to boil do+n to one basic conce)t0 +hen an emotion $e.'., fear& follo+s an event $e.'., enco nterin' t rb lent air in an air)lane&, the event itself isn#t the f ll ca se of the emotional reaction. That is, a belief or tho 'ht comes bet+een the event and the emotion. 5or e3am)le, +hen yo first e3)erience t rb lence in an air)lane, yo mi'ht say to yo rself, :Oh, noQ 2o+ +e#re 'oin' to crashQ; ,nd so yo feel afraid.

Stimulus

Thought

Emotion

B t consider +hat +o ld ha))en if yo r immediate tho 'ht +as, :8o+Q This is f nQ; @o +o ld feel a com)letely different emotion than fear, +o ldn#t yo F 8ell, that#s the idea behind co'nitive )sycholo'y. 1han'e the thinkin' and yo chan'e the emotional o tcome. ,ct ally, the )remise of ,lbert Ellis# Rational Emotive Behavior Thera)y $REBT& is that :tho 'hts ca se emotions,; b t the ne rochemistry of emotion can be very com)le3, and thin's may not be as sim)le and direct as Ellis makes it so nd. 5or e3am)le, if a car c ts s ddenly in front of yo on the hi'h+ay, yo r initial reaction +ill be some sort of )hysiolo'ical aro sal in res)onse to a )erceived threat. This initial reaction ha))ens almost instantaneo sly and by)asses the rational )arts of the brain. 4n a mind nconscio sly 'eared to hostility and reven'e, that initial s r)rise and ncertainty +ill likely escalate to a))rehension, fear, and an'er. B t, if infl enced by a different nderlyin' tho 'ht )rocess, mi'ht not the s r)rise and ncertainty lead to kindness, acce)tance, and for'ivenessRand )eace of mindF Th s the tho 'ht )rocess sha)es the conse/ ences of the initial )hysiolo'ical reaction, b t does not ca se the reaction itself. Technically, then, tho 'hts may be mediators of emotions more than material ca ses of emotions. B t for all )ractical ) r)oses, chan'in' yo r tho 'hts can have a )rofo nd effect on yo r ltimate emotional reactions to life. The central insi'ht of co'nitive thera)y as ori'inally form lated over three decades a'o is that tho 'hts mediate bet+een stim li, s ch as e3ternal events, and emotions. ,s in the fi' re above, a stim l s elicits a tho 'ht R +hich mi'ht be an eval ative . d'ment of some kind R +hich in t rn 'ives rise to an emotion. 4n other +ords, it is not the stim l s itself +hich someho+ elicits an emotional res)onse directly, b t o r eval ation of or tho 'ht abo t that stim l s. T+o ancillary ass m)tions nder)in the a))roach of the co'nitive thera)ist0 6& the client is ca)able of becomin'
13

a+are of his or her o+n tho 'hts and of chan'in' them, and 2& sometimes the tho 'hts elicited by stim li distort or other+ise fail to reflect reality acc rately. , common *everyday e3am)le; of alternative tho 'hts or beliefs abo t the same e3)erience and their res ltin' emotions mi'ht be the case of an individ al bein' t rned do+n for a .ob. "he mi'ht believe that she +as )assed over for the .ob beca se she +as f ndamentally incom)etent. 4n that case, she mi'ht +ell become de)ressed, and she mi'ht be less likely to a))ly for similar .obs in the f t re. 4f, on the other hand, she believed that she +as )assed over beca se the field of candidates +as e3ce)tionally stron', she mi'ht feel disa))ointed b t not de)ressed, and the e3)erience )robably +o ldn*t diss ade her from a))lyin' for other similar .obs. 1o'nitive thera)y s ''ests that )sycholo'ical distress is ca sed by distorted tho 'hts abo t stim li 'ivin' rise to distressed emotions. The theory is )artic larly +ell develo)ed $and em)irically s ))orted& in the case of de)ression, +here clients fre/ ently e3)erience nd ly ne'ative tho 'hts +hich arise a tomatically even in res)onse to stim li +hich mi'ht other+ise be e3)erienced as )ositive. 5or instance, a de)ressed client hearin' P)lease sto) talkin' in classP mi'ht think Peverythin' 4 do is +ron'D there is no )oint in even tryin'P. The same client mi'ht hear Pyo *ve received to) marks on yo r essayP and think Pthat +as a fl keD 4 +on*t ever 'et a mark like that a'ainP, or he mi'ht hear Pyo *ve really im)roved over the last termP and think P4 +as really abysmal at the start of termP. ,ny of these tho 'hts co ld lead to feelin's of ho)elessness or red ced self esteem, maintainin' or +orsenin' the individ al*s de)ression. Ls ally co'nitive thera)e tic +ork is informed by an a+areness of the role of the client*s behavior as +ell $th s the term *co'nitive behavioral thera)y*, or 1BT&. The task of co'nitive thera)y or 1BT is )artly to nderstand ho+ the three com)onents of emotions, behaviors and tho 'hts interrelate, and ho+ they may be infl enced by e3ternal stim li (( incl din' events +hich may have occ rred early in the client*s life. 1o'nitive thera)y aims to hel) the client to become a+are of tho 'ht distortions +hich are ca sin' )sycholo'ical distress, and of behavioral )atterns +hich are reinforcin' it, and to correct them. The ob.ective is not to correct every distortion in a client*s entire o tlook S and after all, virt ally everyone distorts reality in many +ays R. st those +hich may be at the root of distress. The thera)ist +ill make every effort to nderstand e3)eriences from the client*s )oint of vie+, and the client and thera)ist +ill +ork collaboratively +ith an em)irical s)irit, like scientists, e3)lorin' the client*s tho 'hts, ass m)tions and inferences. The thera)ist hel)s the client learn to test these by checkin' them a'ainst reality and a'ainst other ass m)tions. =r. Band ra and other )rominent co'nitive theorists have cond cted e3tensive research sho+in' that h mans can dramatically im)act their sense of +ell bein' and o)timism, career o)tions and confidence levels. "ome of the most noted controlled st dies s ))ortin' the validity of co'nitive )sycholo'y involve the treatment of e)isodic or sit ational $vers s chemical& de)ression. ,ccordin' to a series of st dies s)annin' nine years, =r. Martin "eli'man demonstrated that the avera'e
14

de)ressed )atient treated +ith co'nitive thera)y methods )ro'ressed si'nificantly better than )atients receivin' other forms of )sychothera)y, behavior thera)y, or dr ' treatment. $2& =r. ,aron Beck and n mero s others leaders in )sychiatry and clinical )sycholo'y have treated certain behavior disorders $e.'. de)ression, )hobias, an3iety& by co'nitive thera)y +ith considerable s ccess. 1o'nitive thera)y be'ins +ith the ass m)tion that many behavior disorders are lar'ely ca sed by nd ly )essimistic, distorted tho 'hts. The 'oal of treatment is to chan'e tho 'ht )atterns, thereby chan'in' the behavior and removin' the disorder. "eli'man, a thor of Learned Optimism and What You Can Change and What You Can't, is a prominent University of ennsylvania
researcher in the field of cognitive psychology and has written e!tensively on the origin and treatment of depression. According to "eligman, cognitive therapy utili#es treatment tactics that first help individuals to recogni#e automatic, negative thoughts that pass through the mind during life$s most stressful moments. %ndividuals are then often taught how to challenge negative thoughts using data from their past e!perience that disputes these thoughts.

In Learned O timism, "eligman describes counseling a woman who was depressed because she believed she was a
bad mother. Through cognitive therapy, she learned to challenge and change her internal belief that she was a bad mother by creating a more accurate internal dialogue that stressed the positive aspects of her parenting.

Be careful of your thoughts- for they "ill beco$e "ords. Be careful of your "ords- for they "ill beco$e actions. Be careful of your actions- for they "ill beco$e habits. Be careful of your habits- for they "ill beco$e character. Be careful of your character- for it "ill beco$e your destiny. 6source un no"n

15

Appendix 2: Patterns of &egative Thin ing

8hen o r thinkin' )atterns ca se )roblems for s, this self(sabota'e is s ally the res lt of ne'ative thinkin'. 6. Bla$ing. Either yo make someone or somethin' else res)onsible for yo r )roblemsRin +hich case yo )er)et ate the idea that yo are a victimRor yo ) t all the res)onsibility on yo rselfR in +hich case yo can become de)ressed and nable to take any action to solve yo r )roblems. :4f Bob hadn#t been late 4 +o ldn#t have 'otten a s)eedin' ticket. 4t#s all his fa lt.; :4#m s ch a st )id )erson. 4 can#t do anythin' ri'ht.; 2. 'houlds- 7usts- and *ughts. @o im)ly that either yo or someone else has failed to live ) to an e3)ected standard. :4 sho ldn#t be so bothered +hen the air)lane hits a little t rb lence.; :My mother sho ld be more nderstandin' +hen 4 don#t +ant to fly across co ntry to see her.; %. Polari8ed Thin ing. @o think of thin's as )olar o))osites, +ith no room in bet+een, so every effort yo make is either s ccess or total fail re. :4f 4 don#t 'et thro 'h this fli'ht +itho t )anickin', that treatment )ro'ram +as . st a +aste.; :4f my back starts h rtin' 4#ll never 'et any better.; 9. Catastro#hi8ing. @o ima'ine the +orst )ossible o tcome and then react as if it +ill come tr e. :8hat if 4 try to 'et on the )lane b t can#tF 4#ll lose my .ob and never be able to +ork a'ain.; :8hat if my back starts to h rtF 4t +ill be nbearable, and 4 +ill have to be in a'ony for ho rs.; :My h sband says )sycholo'y is a lot of b nk, so 4 can#t )ractice rela3ation e3ercises.; :There#s that back )ain a'ain. 4t#s ho)elessD 4#ll never 'et any better.; B. )$otional Reasoning. @o ass me that +hat yo feel m st be tr e. :4 feel scared. The )lane is 'oin' to crash, 4 . st kno+ it.; ?. Ru$ination ,or Filtering/. @o foc s only on the )roblem and nothin' else, filterin' o t any )ositive elements of yo r e3)erience. :4 can#t bear to look o t the +indo+ +hen there is any t rb lence.; :8hen my back is h rtin' like this 4 can#t be bothered +ith +hat the children +ant.; 7. )ntitle$ent. @o feel entitled to a life +itho t )roblems. :7ook at them. They don#t have to +ork at bein' rela3ed. 4t#s not fair. 8hy do 4 have to +ork so hardF; 16

Changing &egative Thin ing The most diffic lt as)ect of chan'in' ne'ative thinkin' is noticin' the thinkin' )attern in the first )lace. Tho 'hts that occ r in res)onse to tri''erin' events s ally ha))en so fast that +e aren#t even a+are of them. That#s +hy it can seem as tho 'h the event ca ses the emotion. Cere is a )rocess +hich +ill hel) yo become more a+are of yo r thinkin', also kno+n as :metaco'nition;0 Take a fe+ days to listen to yo r inner thinkin'. 8rite do+n as many internal statements as yo can. 1om)are them to the styles of ne'ative thinkin' o tlined above.

Once yo have identified the sorts of thin's yo tend to tell yo rself, yo can +ork on chan'in'Ror dis) tin'Rthe beliefs. 6. Bla$ing. 4f yo are blamin' others, remind yo rself that yo r actions are the res lt of yo r o+n choices. :@es, Bob +as late. B t s)eedin' +as my o+n decision.; 5or self(blame, remind yo rself that yo are doin' the best yo can and that )ro'ress takes time. :4 did the best 4 co ld. 4#ll 'et better +ith )ractice.; 2. 'houlds- 7usts- and *ughts. 7earn to see thin's the +ay they are. Only then can yo find a sol tion to the )roblem. :8ell, t rb lence does scare me. B t after 4 have read abo t it and nderstand +hat it#s all abo t, it +on#t be so bad.; :4f my mother can#t nderstand my fear, that#s her )roblem. 4#ll overcome this )roblem +itho t her s ))ort.; %. Polari8ed Thin ing. Be )atient +ith yo rself and acce)t )ro'ress at its o+n )ace. :4 closed my eyes and felt comfortable for a half ho r. That#s a bi' im)rovement over last time.; :4f my back starts to h rt, 4#ll )ractice my rela3ation e3ercises. 4#ll 'et thro 'h it.; 9. Catastro#hi8ing. ,ckno+led'e yo r fear, and then challen'e it. :OT. 4 +ill be afraid as 4#m boardin'. B t have 4 ever r n a+ay from other )roblems beforeF 2o.; :OT. Maybe my back +ill start to h rt. B t 4 do have thin's 4 can do to rela3. ,ll thin's +ill )ass.; B. Resignation ,or Being Controlled/. Aive yo rself credit for yo r o+n 'ood sense. Reali-e that tho 'h yo may be val able, no one is indis)ensable. :8ell, maybe my h sband doesn#t nderstand )sycholo'y, b t 4 have seen ho+ it has benefitted other )eo)le, and it . st mi'ht hel) me.; 17

:4 need to take the time to let my healin' ha))en at its o+n )ace. Other )eo)le at +ork can fill in if 4 can#t be in the lead.; ?. )$otional Reasoning. ,cce)t the feelin' for +hat it is. Aive it credit for +hat it is tellin' yo . ,nd then make an informed decision. :OT. 4 feel scared. 2o one en.oys bein' b m)ed aro nd like this. B t 4#ve read abo t t rb lence, and it#s not all that dan'ero s. 8e +ill 'et thro 'h it.; :OT. 4#m feelin' some )ain. "o slo+ do+n. Be caref l. Rela3. 7. Ru$ination ,or Filtering/. E3)and yo r a+areness beyond the n)leasant sit ation and o)en yo rself to )ositive as)ects of the e3)erience. :7ook. 4t#s a nice vie+. "ittin' here )araly-ed +on#t make the )lane any safer.; :4 have the skills to 'et thro 'h this. 7ook at ho+ m ch f n the kids are havin'. 8hat a .oy to have them in my life.; J. )ntitle$ent. 8ell, life is not fair. B t more than that, reali-e that every diffic lty can dra+ stren'th, co ra'e, and creativity o t of yo . @o r trials can be a blessin', if yo acce)t them +ith faith. :@es, many other )eo)le don#t seem to have to +ork at bein' rela3ed. B t +ho kno+s +hat other )roblems they have to str ''le +ith. ,t least 4#m discoverin' an inner )eace 4 never had before.;

18

A##endi9 :: Which Adversities Push ;our Buttons?

Rate the follo+in' sit ations and emotions on a scale of 6 > B re'ardin' yo r diffic lty in dealin' +ith them. 5or any sit ation or emotion rated a 9 or a B, try to remember a s)ecific e3am)le of a time +hen yo felt nha))y +ith yo r attem)t to res)ond to the sit ation.
S coring 1 - Not at all difficult 2- S omewhat difficult 3 - Moderately difficult 4 - Very difficult 5 - !tremely difficult " o#flict$ at wor% with collea&ue$ " o#flict$ at with with authority " o#flict$ with family mem'er$ " o#flict$ with frie#d$ ( ecei)i#& *o$iti)e feed'ac% ( ecei)i#& #e&ati)e feed'ac% S ucce$$ +ailure S *e#di#& time alo#e Not ha)i#& e#ou&h time for your$elf ,a%i#& o# #ew re$*o#$i'ilitie$ at wor% Ma#a&i#& a hectic $chedule -u&&li#& ma#y ta$%$ at o#ce .da*ti#& to cha#&e .tte#di#& $ocial fu#ctio#$ /ala#ci#& your *er$o#al a#d *rofe$$io#al life ( e$*o#di#& to #e&ati)e emotio#$ i# other$ ( e$*o#di#& to *o$iti)e emotio#$ i# other$ 0eali#& with your ow#1 .#&er S ad#e$$ .#!iety m'arra$$me#t 2 uilt /oredom +ru$tratio# S hame S a)ori#& ha**i#e$$ or co#te#tme#t

1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1 1

2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2 2

3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3 3

4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4 4

5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5 5

Each sit ation that yo scored as a 9 or a B is an adversity for yo . ,re there any )atternsF =o yo have more adversities in one domain of yo r life0 )ersonal or )rofessionalF ,re there any themes that are )artic larly tro blesome to yo F =o yo feel st ck in any certain emotionsF

19

A##endi9 1: Ineffectives
Attitudes<Beliefs 4 can*t 4*m ri'ht. 4t isn*t fair. 4*m scared. 4*m not able. 4*m too tired. 4*m too old 4*m too yo n' 4t*s too risky. 4 am a victim. 4 am s )erior 4*m not +orthy. 4t*s not my .ob 4*ll be la 'hed at. 4 deserve better. 2o one +ants me. 4 don*t deserve it 4*m bein' )ress red 4*m too intelli'ent 4*m not smart eno 'h 4 don*t have the ed cation 4 don*t have the time 4 don*t have the money 4 don*t have the ener'y Peo)le +ill re.ect me. 4t mi'ht h rt too m ch. 8hat abo t my )rideF 4t +on*t +ork any+ay. 1ommitment is confinin'. 2o one nderstands me. 4*m not 'ood eno 'h My UUUUU +on*t a))rove 4*m not attractive eno 'h. Peo)le +on*t nderstand. 4 don*t really have a choice. 2o one +o ld care any+ay 4 . st can*t let 'o of the )ast. 4 don*t have any ineffectives. 4t is +ron' to have too m ch. 4t is +ron' to +ant too m ch. 8hat 4 +ant is too ambitio s. Peo)le mi'ht say 4*m foolish. 4t isn*t fair that it*s all ) to me. 4*m not s re if 4*m acco ntable. 4 don*t really kno+ +hat 4 +ant. 4 mi'ht fail and it is +ron' to fail. 8hat 4 +ant is not 'ood eno 'h. My life is really okay the +ay it is.

4t has to be hard to be 'ood eno 'h 4 have to feel comfortable and sec re. 8ho kno+s +hat 4*ll +ant in a fe+ yearsF 4*m not committed to livin' life to the f llest. The +ay it is $or heGshe& +ill have to chan'e. 4 haven*t created this res lt before, so 4 can*t no+. Peo)le +on*t like me if they find o t ho+ 4 am. 4 have to sto) bein' the +ay 4 am to create this res lt. 4 mi'ht be makin' the +ron' choice abo t +hat 4 +ant. My s)o seG)arentGchildGbossGloverGfriend +on*t a))rove. 4 can*t decide somethin' this im)ortant in . st a fe+ days. 4 don*t have to do anythin'. "omeone else +ill take care of me. 4 kno+ there is a better s)o se, boss, .ob, etc., o t there for me. 4 kno+ my bossGs)o seGchildGloverGfriendG)arentGco(+orker +ill chan'e. 4 don*t see ho+ to achieve this res lt $the mechanism&, so 4 deny my desires. 4f 4 really o+n ) to +hat is tr e abo t me, 4*ll have to do somethin' abo t it. 4 have to lose +ei'ht, start e3ercisin', sto) drinkin'G smokin'Geatin' so m ch to create this res lt. Others +ill be envio s and .ealo s +hen 4 achieve this res lt. 4 don*t +ant to risk creatin' these ne'ative feelin's to+ard me.

20

)$otional Res#onses Resentment 5ear "adness Melancholy Pensiveness ,n'er 5r stration =e)ression 7oneliness Kealo sy A ilt

Behaviors Resistin' Bein' conf sed 2ot )artici)atin' 2ot comm nicatin' 2ot listenin' =aydreamin' =eceivin' Bein' shy Bein' st bborn 4nvalidatin' myself and others Bein' tired Bein' bored Bein' indecisive V ittin'

Martyrin' Bein' a victim Bein' ncommitted 8ithdra+in'Ghidin' Bein' sick Aettin' reven'e Bein' s bmissive 5antasi-in' Bein' snobbish "eekin' reco'nition "eekin' a))roval "eekin' acce)tance "eekin' control Mani) latin'

21