Herta Mller On Packing Translated from the German by Donal McLaughlin Everything I have I carry with me.

Or: everything that's mine I carry on me. I carried everything I had. It wasn't actually mine. It was either intended for a different ur ose or some!ody else's. "he igskin suitcase was a gramo hone !o#. "he $acket was from my father. "he town coat with the velvet neck!and from my grandfather. "he !reeches from my %ncle Edwin. "he leather uttees from our neigh!or& Herr 'ar . "he green gloves from my (untie )ini. Only the claret silk scarf and the toilet !ag were mine& gifts from recent 'hristmases. "he war was still on in *anuary +,-.. /hocked that& in the de ths of winter& I was to !e taken who0knows0where !y the 1ussians& everyone wanted to give me something that would !e useful& may!e& even if it didn't hel . 2ecause nothing on earth could hel . It was irrevoca!le: I was on the 1ussians' list& so everyone gave me something3and drew their own conclusions as they did. I took the things and& at the age of seventeen& drew my own conclusion: the timing was right for going away. I could have done without the list !eing the reason& !ut if things didn't turn out too !adly& it would even !e good for me. I wanted away from this thim!le of a town& where all the stones had eyes. I wasn't so much afraid as secretly im atient. (nd I had a !ad conscience !ecause the list that caused my relatives such anguish was& for me& tolera!le. "hey feared that in another country something might ha en to me. I wanted to go to a lace that did not know me. /omething had already ha ened to me. /omething for!idden. It was strange& dirty& shameless& and !eautiful. It ha ened in the ark with all the alders& away at the !ack& !eyond the short0grass hills. On the way home& I went to the center of the ark& into the round avilion where& on u!lic holidays& the orchestras would lay. I remained seated for a while. "he light ierced the finely0carved wood. I could see the fear of the em ty circles& s4uares& and 4uadrilaterals3white tendrils with claws linking them. It was the attern of my a!erration& and the attern of the horror in the face of my mother. In this avilion I swore to myself: I'm never coming !ack to this ark. "he more I tried to sto myself& the 4uicker I went !ack3after two days. "o my rende5vous& as it was called in the ark. I went to my second rende5vous with the same first man. He was called 6the /wan.6 "he second man was new& he was called 6the )ir.6 "he third was called 6the Ear.6 (fter that came 6the "hread.6 "hen 6the Oriole6 and 6the 'a .6 7ater& 6the Hare&6 6the 'at&6 6the /eagull.6 "hen 6the Pearl.6 Only we knew which name was whose. 8e layed at wild animals& I let myself !e assed along. (nd it was summer in the ark& and the !irches had a white skin& and the green wall of im enetra!le foliage was growing among the $asmine and elder !ushes. 7ove has its seasons. (utumn ut an end to the ark. "he wood !ecame naked. "he rende5vous moved with us to the 9e tune. 9e#t to the ool's iron gate was its oval sign with the swan. Each week& I met the one who was twice my age. He was 1omanian. He was

married. I am not saying what his name was& and not what my name was. 8e arrived se arately: the woman at the cash desk& !ehind the leaded window of her !ooth& the shiny stone floor& the round central column& the wall tiles with the water0lily attern& the carved wooden stairs3none of these must reali5e we'd arranged to meet. 8e went into the ool and swam with all the others. Only at the saunas did we finally meet. 2ack then& shortly !efore the cam 3and as would also !e the case from my return until& in +,:;& I left the country3any rende5vous would have meant a rison sentence. )ive years& at least& if I'd !een caught. Many were. (fter a !rutal interrogation& they were taken straight from the ark or the munici al !aths to the $ail. )rom there& to the rison cam ne#t to the canal. I know now: no one came !ack from the canal. (nyone who did was a walking cor se. Had aged& was ruined& was no longer fit for any kind of love. (s for in the cam 3I'd have !een dead& if caught in the cam . (fter the five years in the cam & I strolled daily through the commotion of the streets& rehearsing in my head the !est things to say& if arrested. Caught red-handed: against this guilty verdict I re ared a thousand e#cuses and ali!is. I carry silent !aggage. I have acked myself into silence so dee ly and for so long that I can never un ack myself in words. I $ust ack myself differently each time I s eak. In the last summer of the rende5vous& to e#tend my walk home from the ark with all the alders& I ha ened to enter the 'hurch of the Holy "rinity on the main ring road. "his coincidence was fate. I saw the times that were coming. On a illar& ne#t to the side altar& stood the saint in the gray cloak& his collar was the shee that he carried round his neck. "his shee round his neck is silence itself. "here are things you don't s eak a!out. 2ut I know what I am s eaking a!out when I say that silence round your neck is not the same as silence in your mouth. 2efore& during& and after my time in the cam 3for twenty0five years I lived in fear& of the state and of my family. Of a dou!le fall& that the state might lock me u as a criminal& and the family disown me in disgrace. In the crowded streets& the dis lay cases& the windows in trams and houses& the fountains and uddles& for me& !ecame mirrors. I looked at myself& dis!elievingly& feared I might !e trans arent& after all. My father was an art teacher. (nd I& with the 9e tune in my head& winced as if I'd !een kicked if he used the word 6watercolor.6 "he word knew how far I'd gone already. My mother said& at the ta!le: <on't sta! the otato with your fork& it will fall a art& use your s oon& you use your fork for the flesh. My tem les were ounding. How come she's using the word 6flesh6 when it's otatoes and forks we're talking a!out= 8hat kind of flesh does she mean= My rende5vous had reversed the meanings of flesh for me. I was my own thief& the words came u une# ectedly and caught me. My mother and es ecially my father& like all >ermans in the town& !elieved in the !eauty of !lond !raids and white knee0length socks. In the !lack rectangle that was Hitler's moustache& and in us "ransylvanian /a#ons !eing art of the (ryan race. My secret& viewed urely hysically& was the worst a!omination. "he 1omanian involved meant I'd had relations with a non0(ryan& too. I wanted away from this family& even if it meant going to a cam . I $ust felt sorry for my mother who couldn't see how little she knew me. 8ho& when I was away& would think of me more often than I of her.

In the church& !eside the saint with the shee of silence round his neck& I had seen the white alcove with the inscri tion: Heaven sets time in motion. 8hen I acked my case& I knew: the white alcove had worked. "his was now time in motion. I was also ha y I didn't have to go off into the war& into the snow at the front. 8ith foolish courage& I o!ediently set a!out acking. "here was nothing I refused to include. 7eather uttees with laces& !reeches& the coat with the velvet neck!and3none of these things suited me. "ime in motion was what it was all a!out& not clothes. 8hether with these clothes or others& you !ecome an adult anyway. "he world isn't a fancy0dress !all& it's true& I thought& !ut no one who& in the de ths of winter& has to go to the 1ussians can ossi!ly look ridiculous. "wo olicemen3a 1omanian and a 1ussian3took the list from house to house. "hat was the atrol. I don't know any more whether& in our house& they uttered the word 6cam .6 (nd if they didn't& which other word3a art from 61ussia63they did utter. If they did& the word 6cam 6 didn't frighten me. <es ite the war& and the silence of my rende5vous round my neck& I was still3at seventeen3en$oying a !right foolish childhood. 8ords like 6watercolor6 and 6flesh6 got to me. My !rain was deaf to the word 6cam .6 "hat time at the ta!le with the otatoes and the fork& when my mother caught me with the word flesh& I remem!ered laying as a child down in the courtyard& and my mother shouting from the veranda window: if you don't come u to eat right now& if I have to call you again& you can stay where you are. 2ecause I stayed down a while& when I did come u & she said: ?ou can ack your satchel now and go out into the world and do what you like. (s she said this& she dragged me into the room& took the small kna sack and stuffed my woolly ca and $acket into it. I asked: 8here am I su osed to go& though= I'm your child& after all. Many eo le think acking is a matter of ractice& you learn it automatically& like singing or raying. 8e had no ractice& and no suitcase& either. 8hen my father had to go to the front& to $oin the 1omanian army& there was nothing to ack. (s a soldier you're given everything& it's art of the uniform. ( art from for traveling away& and against the cold& we didn't know what we were acking for. ?ou don't have the right things& so you im rovise. "he wrong things !ecome what's needed. 8hat's needed is then the only thing that's right& !ut only !ecause you have it. My mother !rought the gramo hone from the living room and ut it on the kitchen ta!le. %sing the screwdriver& I made a suitcase from the gramo hone !o#. "he rotary mechanism and the turnta!le I removed first. "hen I filled the hole where the crank handle had !een with a cork. "he velvet lining remained where it was& red as a fo#. 9or did I remove the triangular la4ue with the dog !eside the horn and 6his master@s voice.6 (t the !ottom of the case I laced four !ooks: Faust& a cloth!ound editionA ZarathustraA the slim volume !y 8einhe!erA and the eight0centuries0of0 oetry anthology. 9o novels& !ecause novels you read $ust once& then never again. My toilet !ag went on to of the !ooks. In it were: one flaBon of toilet water& one flaBon of "arr aftershave& one shaving soa & one hand ra5or& one shaving !rush& one sty tic encil& one iece of hand soa & one air of nail scissors. 2eside the toilet !ag I laced: one air of woolen socks C!rown& already darnedD& one air of knee length socks& one red0and0white checked flannel shirt& two airs of ri!!ed under ants. (t the very to & to revent it !eing s4uashed& came my new silk scarf. It was a solid color3claret3!ut checked& shiny here& dull there. 8ith that& the case was full. (nd then my !undle: one !eds read from the divan Cwoolen& a !right0!lue and !eige check& gigantic3!ut it didn't kee you warmD. (nd rolled into it: one $acket Ca e er0and0salt

check& already very wornD and one air of leather uttees Cancient& from the first 8orld 8ar& melon0yellow& and with stra sD. "hen my kna sack with: one tin of ham& /candia !rand& four slices of !uttered !read& a few leftover cookies from 'hristmas& one canteen of water with a !eaker. My grandmother then ut the gramo hone suitcase& the !undle& and the kna sack near the door. "he two olicemen had said they would come at midnight& that was when they'd fetch me. My luggage was ready !y the door. 9e#t& I ut on: one air of long under ants& one flannel shirt Ca !eige0and0green& checkD& one waistcoat with knitted sleeves& one air of woolen socks& and + air of bocanci. "he green gloves from (untie )ini lay on the ta!le& at the ready. I tied the laces on the bocanci and suddenly remem!ered that years ago& on holiday u on the 8ench& my mother had worn a sailor suit she'd made. In the middle of a walk in the countryside& she'd let herself fall in the long grass and retended to !e dead. I was eight at the time. "he fright of the sky falling down into the grass. I closed my eyes in order not to see it swallowing me. My mother $um ed u & shook me& and said: <o you like me= (s you see& I'm still alive. "he laces on the !ocanci were tied now. I sat down at the ta!le and waited for midnight. (nd midnight came& !ut the atrol was late. "hree hours would ass3which was almost intolera!le. "hen they were there. My mother held the coat with the velvet neck!and u for me. I sli ed my arms in. /he was crying. I ut on the green gloves. In the wooden assageway3right where the gas meter is3my grandmother said: I know youll return. I didn't mean to remem!er this sentence. I took it with me into the cam & without thinking. I had no idea it was accom anying me. 2ut a sentence like that is inde endent. It worked in me& more than all the !ooks I took with me. I know youll return !ecame my heart0sha ed shovel's accom lice& and the angel of hunger's adversary. 2ecause I did return& I have the right to say: a sentence like that kee s you alive. It was three a.m. in the night of *anuary +-E&+,-. when the atrol came to fetch me. It was getting colder& 0+.F '. 8e drove in a truck with a tar aulin hood through the em ty town to the e#hi!ition hall. It was the /a#ons' festival hall. (nd now the collective cam . (lmost three hundred eo le were s4uee5ed into the hall. On the floor were mattresses and straw allets. 'ars arrived all through the night& from the surrounding villages too& unloading eo le who'd !een rounded u . 2y morning& there were almost five hundred. 'ounting was a waste of time that night& no overview was ossi!le. In the e#hi!ition hall& the lights !urned all night. Peo le were running round& looking for eo le they knew. "hey told each other that $oiners were !eing commandeered at the railway station& they were nailing lank !eds& made of new wood& into livestock wagons. "hat other workmen were installing iron stoves in trains. (nd that others were sawing toilet holes out in the floor. Eyes were o ened wide as eo le s oke& 4uietly and a lotA and closed as they cried& 4uietly and a lot. "he air smelled of old wool& of the sweat of fear& of a fatty roast& vanilla !iscuits and schna s. ( woman removed her scarf. /he lived in a village& for sure: her hair was in a dou!le !un at the !ack of her head& held in lace at the center !y a semicircular com!. "he teeth of the horn com! disa eared in her hair. Of its curved edge& two corners showed only& like tiny ointed ears. 8ith these ears and the fat !un of hair& the !ack of the woman's head resem!led a sitting cat. I sat like a s ectator among u right legs and iles of luggage. )or a few minutes& slee num!ed me and I dreamt:

My mother and I are in the cemetery& standing at a new grave. In the middle of it& a furry0 leaved lant& half the height of me& is growing. On the stalk is a ca sule with a leather handle& a small suitcase. "he ca sule is o en& the !readth of a finger& is lined in fo#0red velvet. 8e don't know who has died. My mother says: "ake the chalk from your coat ocket. I don't have any& I say. 8hen I reach into the ocket& there is a iece of tailor's chalk. My mother says: 8e have to write a short name on the case. 7et's write Ruth& no one we know is called that. I write Ruht& as in here lies. It was clear to me in my dream that I had died& !ut I didn't want to tell my mother that yet. I started when an elderly man with an um!rella sat down on the allet !eside me& came close to my ear and said: My !rother0in0law wants to come too& !ut the hall is guarded on all sides. "hey're not letting him. 8e've not left town yet& and he can't come here and I can't go home. On each silver !utton on his $acket a !ird was flying& a wild duck or& more likely& an al!atross. I say that !ecause the cross on the decoration on his chest& when I leaned further forward& !ecame an anchor. "he um!rella stood like a walking stick !etween me and him. I asked: (re you taking that with you= /ure it snows there even more than here& he said. 8e were not told when& and how& we would have to go to the station from the hall. 8ould !e allowed to go& as I saw it& !ecause I wanted to leave3at long last3and even if it was in the livestock wagon& with a gramo hone !o# and a velvet neck!and& and to go to the 1ussians. I no longer know how we got to the station. "he livestock wagons were high. I have forgotten the !oarding rocedure& too& as we s ent such long days and nights traveling in that wagon& it was as if we'd always !een in it. I no longer know& either& how long we traveled. I thought traveling for a long time meant getting far away. (s long as we're traveling& nothing can ha en to us. (ll is well& as long as we're traveling. Men and women& young and old& with their luggage at the head of their lank. / eaking and not s eaking& eating and slee ing. 2ottles of schna s were assed round. Here and there& once the traveling was something we were already used to& attem ts at cuddling started. ?ou looked with one eye& and& with the other& looked away. From (temschaukel, co yright !""# by Carl Hanser $erlag. %y arrangement with the ublisher. &ranslation co yright !""# by 'onal (c)aughlin. *ll rights reserved.