THE PITTIFUL NEWS

Volume 1 February 23-27,

Number 7 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”

Students participate in “H8 Ur Computer” Week
By: Jake Swanson Many students said that All the time. With our fort not only helped them
Editor-in-Chief the effort was a positive cause, though, we managed by getting rid of a stressful
experience. to rid a lot of students of part of their lives, but also
Students turned out in “Before, I had a non- that pressure.” helped with their stress in
droves to cause great harm working computer. Now I Gates started the effort in general.
and to their computers in have no computer. It‟s like 2008 after experiencing “My computer really was
the annual, Pitt-sponsored firing that slacker at work,” problems with his own com- giving me a headache,” she
“H8 Ur Computer Week”. said grad student Bill Jobs. puter. Just to unmute his said. “Now it‟s gone, so I
The event was a week‟s Steve Gates, the head of computer, Gates had to put don‟t have to worry about
worth of computer related the “H8 Ur Computer” ef- it on stand-by, then log in it, and I just worked off a
activities, in which students fort, was very pleased with again. To use the internet, whole lot of stress beating it
were encouraged to cause as the outcome. Gates had to shut off the to death.”
much harm to their com- “I think we really man- Start menu. Other students, though,
puters as possible. Dirty aged to cure a lot of people “I thought to myself, found themselves regretting
screens were smashed. In- of their problems,” he said. „what if there are more peo- their decision to participate
fected desktops and laptops “After all, I‟m always hear- ple like me?‟ You know, in the event.
were beaten with sticks. ing people complaining. „My that just want to f*ck up “It‟s like waking up drunk
Broken computer mice and computer‟s running slow.‟ their computer big time?” next to a fat and ugly girl,”
keyboards were dropped out „The keys are stuck on my he said. said junior Harrison James,
of windows or fed to wild keyboard.‟ „I gave $5,000 to Some students, like “You do it, then you realize
dogs. some exiled Nigerian prince, sophomore Carrie-Anne it was a mistake. I mean,
but he only needed $3,000.‟ Reeves, found that the ef- it‟s fun and all beating my
Computer, Page 4

Pitt does not cancel classes

when they should have
By: Julie Rozen did,” Pitt spokesperson
Staff Writer Mark Dean said. “The buses
were still running, and I felt
Despite these grueling con- that all students could make
ditions, the University of it to class safely.”
Pittsburgh chose to remain Many students disagreed
open all week, despite the with Dean‟s statement.
horrible weather. “I was almost hit by a car
The National Weather crossing O‟hara Street, as
Service reported less than an usual, and my shoes got all
inch of snow and tempera- wet from the snow. I mean
tures below 32° Fahrenheit the puddles that was snow,”
in the Pittsburgh area this said freshman Steve Norton.
past Sunday. Other local “The bus was late today,”
universities cancelled classes said sophomore Claire Best.
throughout the week at the “Clearly, this is a sign of bad
professor‟s discretion citing weather.”
personal illness as the pri- The majority of sidewalks
mary cause. on campus were obstructed
Phil Papa/Photographer
“I didn‟t see the need to with snow on Sunday.
Students were willing to make use of any implement to show their cancel all classes just be- When Facilities Manage-
loathing for technology during “H8 Ur Computer Week”. cause other universities ment intended to shovel and
Snow, Page 2
2 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com

CORRECTIONS Pittiful Police Blotter

In the Feb. 20th issue, the story
“Chevron goes BOOM!!!” incorrectly
detailed the explosion. It was more
of a “BAMMMMMM!” A bit quieter,
and a bit more elongated.
Also, the article incorrectly stated
that “rumblings were heard from
students, researchers, and profes-
sors alike”. The rumblings were
actually heard by the students, re-
searchers, and professors, not from
them. Although I suppose that some
of them might have been hungry.
Then rumbling might have been
heard from them. You know, from
their stomachs. Because your stom-
ach rumbles when you’re hungry.
The Pittiful News regrets these er-
rors and assures its readers that we
hope that further incidents will not
happen.
Pittiful News
Meeting Times
Wednesdays 8-9,
Bouquet Gardens D
Call 412-735-1040 for access
Distribution Times
Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6
Towers Lobby
Saturdays, 9pm-2am
Nordy’s Place, WPU
Or download this and previ-
ous issues @
www.pittifulnews.webs.com
Compiled by Caitlin Kempf and Jake Swanson
Sunday, February 22 apologize for their mis- merely due to celebrating
take. Ash Wednesday.
8:15 p.m.—Police
stopped several people Wednesday, February Thursday, February 26
wearing white robes with 25
pointy hoods, suspecting 8:34 a.m.—The police
KKK activity on Pitt 11:25 a.m.—Police ques- headed to church, so that
campus. tioned Pitt sophomore they could begin to un-
8: 28 p.m. —The police Annie Arnold, believing derstand this “Christian”
realized that the KKK her to show the signs of stuff that had been caus-
suspects were part of a abuse due to a large black ing the whole kerfuffle
religious choir that sings mark on her forehead. over the week. No pro-
a Compline service each 11:32 a.m.—The police gress was made in the
week at Heinz realized that Pitt sopho- study, due mainly to
Chapel. The police more Annie Arnold‟s there not being church on
black forehead was Thursday morning.
Lack of cancellation at Pitt encourages study; leaves
students and faculty in a tizzy
Snow, Page 1
salt on Monday, all of the snowfall unless it was merit any desirable re-
snow had already melted impossible for them to sults.
on the sidewalk. open their doors. It “Considering that Pitt
“We just didn‟t have would then take another isn‟t in either of these
the time to shovel the foot of snow in order to cities, I think this was
snow since it melted so hope for any kind of can- just another excuse to
quickly,” said Facilities celation. waste my money,” said
Management worker However, such condi- student Charles Foster.
Flynn Neilsen. tions at the University of “I just want my classes
Due to massive student Miami would have left canceled so I don‟t have
complaints, Pitt officials the college crippled until to skip them every day,”
have decided to look into hurricane season. These said Claire Best, “Is a
how other universities results have left Pitt offi- snow day really so much
have handled any kind of cials baffled and Pitt stu- to ask for?”
snowfall in the past five dents enraged. Pitt has not canceled
years. “I am just baffled at classes due to weather in
Case studies included a these results,” a Pitt offi- over two years, which

NOTICE: diverse range of colleges

“The Pittiful News” will NOT be
distributing next week, March
6th, due to Spring Break.
Have fun drinking, getting skin
cancer, and checking out girls/
guys that you may or may not
have a one-night stand with.
ranging from the Univer-
sity of Buffalo to the
cial said.
“I am just enraged at
these results,” a student
University of Miami. said.
Preliminary results of Many students felt
the study have shown that the study had been a
that students at the Uni- failure from the begin-
versity of Buffalo would ning, and that even fur-
not have even noticed a ther studies will not
proves that administra-
tors do indeed have the
power to cancel classes
when they desire. How-
ever, like the Loch Ness
Monster or Bigfoot, no
one knows for sure when,
if ever, it will be seen
again.

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Jess Edelstein Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Rachel Harris John Mooney Phil Papa Matt Russak Kevin Wielgus
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Diana Ren David Smeresky Evelyn Yarzebinski

Wanna talk about it? E-mail us at PittifulNews@gmail.com . Shhhh...we’re here for you.
 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com
3
‘pinions
SEPPOKU: So hard, you’ll want to kill yourself! Honest Advice from Jack Aze
Whorish ways technically might
not be whorish
Dear Jack Aze,

I was recently hit on by a taken woman while out

to dinner with friends. Of late the womenfolk have-
n't been treating me very nicely my last two rela-
tionships did not last very long and I have been
feeling kind of worthless lately.
In short I'm desperately desperate, how much of
a terrible whorish person am I if i pursue this taken
woman?

Sincerely,
Mike Rotch

Dear Rotch

Geez, not one of these again. It seems like all I

Enjoy this Sudoku in whatever lecture class you‟re sitting through! ever get are emails that say things like, "Dur. Jack
I guess that we could have used this space to tell about the semi- Aze, can you help me with women/men/
important, national headline about $500 million being misappro- transsexuals? Dur." Don't any of you people need
priated from Pitt and CMU that was discovered on Wednesday help on Algebra homework or something? No? Oh
afternoon, but nobody really cares about CMU. And especially not well.
Pitt. Better to put in games. Anyway, Rotch, I couldn't help but notice a small
discrepancy in your letter. You complain that your
Dr. Hahn’s Health Advice short relationships have made you feeling worth-
less. Yet you claim your name is "Mike" which
Fat chick not ready for Spring Break means you are therefore a man. But if you really
were a man then you would not care how long your
Dear Dr. Hahn, don‟t need to—I‟m a bright relationships lasted as long as you got any sort of
I’m 5’3’’ and weigh 220 lbs. I enough Doctor to know exactly action. I am therefore left to assume that you are
think I’m a little overweight and Iwhat it was about. See, calories either a woman or just a sad man that no woman
have a gut feeling that it’s not make you fat. And a calorie is a wants to touch. Since disguising your gender
healthy. The thing is, I’m going tounit of heat. And ice cream is makes no sense whatsoever, I will guess you are
Miami for Spring Break and cold. So if you eat enough ice the latter.
want to look super hot in a bikini.cream, you‟ll freeze up all those You're probably wondering what the hell any of
Do you have any dieting advice for calories that make up fat. It‟s this means, yes?
someone like me? pittifully Scientifical common Here's my point: You can't be a whore if no one is
--Hefty in Holland sense! My advice to you would willing to touch you. Being a whore by yourself
be to eat nothing but very cold doesn't count as being a whore, it just makes you
Dear Hefty, ice cream from now on and you sad (and supposedly gives you bad eyesight). My
Either your gut is right and should be itty-bitty-teeny- advice regarding the taken woman is to make it
being overweight truly is not weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini short and sweet so that you at least have better
healthy, or you‟re hungry. Hun- ready in no time! Good luck! things to do than writing to me.
ger pangs can sometimes be mis- —Dr. Kiva Hahn,
interpreted as “gut feelings” for UPMC* Student Health Services —Jack Aze
a certain topics. But I digress. I *Untrained Painfully Mistaken Consultants
think I might have found the Got a problem? Tell your friends.
perfect diet for you! Please, Write a letter to Dr. Kiva
Got unsympathetic friends? Tell Jack Aze.
When browsing diets on the Hahn for impractical heath ad-
PittifulNews@gmail.com
trustworthy Interweb one day, I vice!
PittifulNews@gmail.com He might not provide the answers you want,
came across a listing of a book
but he will provide the ones you need.
titled The Ice Cream Diet. I did-
n‟t actually read this book, but I
4 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com

“H8 Ur Computer” meets criticism and severe opposition

computer, but after you‟re
done beating it, you realize
that it‟s gone and you‟re
never getting it back.
Maybe that‟s why my last
girlfriend left me.”
Some organizations, such
as the Grammar Club and
Religion Twisters, oppose
the institution of “H8 Ur
Computer” Week.
“It encourages bad gram-
mar and spelling,” said Jane
Bronte, head of the Pitt
Grammar Club. “„H8‟ is not
a suitable replacement for
Hate, and „Ur‟ is not a valid
substitute for “your”. Who-
ever came up with the name
of this heinous organization
is quite clearly a noob.”
“Encouraging the destruc-
tion of computers defies the
Bible,” said Richard
Silverstein, a member of
Religion Twisters. “God said
„Thou shalt not h8 ur com-
puter.‟ Or at least he would
have, if they‟d had com-
puters then. But the Ten
Commandments aren‟t set
in stone.”
Gates is used to the criti-
cism.
“I know that my efforts
are not exactly the most
moral things ever,” he said.
“But I think that the ends
justify the means. And the
ends are a much happier,
more peaceful, and all
around better campus.”
“H8 Ur Computer” will
continue next year, al-
though due to budget cuts,
students are encouraged to
bring their own baseball
bats.
Every student who went
to “H8 Ur Computer Week”
this year received OCC
credit and a lollipop.

These suspicious individuals were believed to be KKK

members. Turns out they were just choir members. Still
suspicious. Very suspicious.

Note from the Editor’s Desk

Greetings to all you readers of “The Pittiful News”!
First off, a definite thanks for reading this publication. If everyone just said “I hate fun” and threw this
away, well, not only would it be a miserable world, but the trash cans would be full of wasted paper.
Now, I am writing to all of you to ask for your help in keeping us alive. Our previous plans for getting
funding were recently jeopardized. So, we are putting out a plea for help. It’s very simple. All that we need
is people who are willing to print up copies of this paper for our distribution. All that you need is some time
and a few extra sheets of paper on your printing quota (like, 100 or so).
All you have to do is e-mail us (PittifulNews@gmail.com) and let us know that you can contribute.
Then, we’ll e-mail you the copy of the paper. Just find some time on Friday to get down to a computer lab,
draw up the file, click print, and VOILA, you’ve made yourself into a hero!
Again, it really requires nothing but some time and some of that paper that you’re not using anyway.
As usual, also, we’re open for your writings, pictures, cartoons, anything. E-mail us, come to the meet-
ings (Wednesdays at 8:00 at Bouquet Gardens D, call 412-735-1040), or talk to any member you know...or
don’t know, but you facebook-stalked them to see what they look like.
Just leave that last detail out.

Keep reading, have a good spring break, live long and prosper, don’t run with your spear, etc.
—Jake Swanson (Editor-in-Chief)