THE PITTIFUL NEWS

Volume 1 March 16-20

Number 8 2009

“We’re Not Pitiful, The News Is”

Special First Time Printing in 11” by 17”, So Give Us A Break Edition
“Spring Break Bandits” caught in the act of robbery
By: Julie Rozen land apartments during shoes,” the Playboy bunny “We found the iPod on the
Staff Writer Spring Break. The majority rationalizes, “Her door was, bathroom sink and have suf-
were locked due to the resi- like, open so I totally bor- ficient evidence to believe
Four local high school stu- dents’ vacations. rowed it. The iPod just that the girls set it down it
dents and their dog success- “Our Hallow- went with the purse order to reapply their
fully caught the suspected een costumes Our Halloween so I just had to bor- makeup,” said Officer How-
“Spring Break Bandits” on were just too costumes were row that too. I was ard Swift, a member of Pitt
March 11th at 7:39 PM. good to wear just too good to going to give them Police. “We’re just grateful
The three suspects, who once,” the wear once. back after my that those kids stepped in
were previously believed to “Naughty - “Naughty date.” before anything of real value
be a Playboy bunny, a Nurse” said, Nurse” The Pitt Police esti- was stolen.”
naughty schoolgirl, and a “It’s just not fair mate less than $100 The kids that Swift is re-
naughty nurse, were discov- that I can’t dress like this in stolen goods. The purse ferring too are a small gang
ered to be Pitt students in the other 200 days of the was a cheap imitation that from the local Hampton
their Halloween costumes. year!” contained only a few pieces High School, who were go-
The girls were reported to “This girl in one of my of clothing that were also ing for a simple and seem-
have been seen attempting classes had this totally cute imitations. The iPod never ingly pointless drive in
to enter several South Oak- purse that goes with these actually left the room. South Oakland.

Bandits, Page 3

Evelyn Yarzebinski/Photographer
Junior James Miller takes a nap...an illegal nap. With the restlessness after Spring Break, many students are taking part in pathetic and foul-
minded misdemeanors such as this. Careful James. The police can make you take an even longer nap. Much longer.
2 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com

CORRECTIONS Lack of Linux found depressing

In the Feb. 27th issue, Kiva Hahn’s
advice to eat large amounts of ice
cream was apparently incorrect.
We are right now in the process of
disciplining/firing/killing Dr. Hahn.
Whichever is easier. But shhhh,
don’t tell her. It’ll be much better
when it’s a surprise.
The Pittiful News regrets these er-
rors and assures its readers that we
hope that further incidents will not
happen.
Pittiful News
Meeting Times
Wednesdays 8-9,
Bouquet Gardens D
Call 412-735-1040 for access
Distribution Times
Fridays, 2-3 and 5-6
Towers Lobby
Saturdays, 9pm-2am
Nordy’s Place, WPU
Or download this and previ-
ous issues @
www.pittifulnews.webs.com
By: Diana Ren long celebration of com- Student Computing Lab
Staff Writer puter destruction and deg- Computers", exposed a
radation. steadily worsening trend in
Recent investigations “I had previously admit- the mental health of Linux
have brought to light a ted to having reservations computers in comparison
hidden epidemic plaguing about the long-term social to their peers running Win-
campus computing labs implications of [HYC] on dows and Mac operating
from Posvar Hall to the the campus computer systems. Sarah Levitt, a
Cathedral of Learning. population,” said Dr. Ed- Pitt sophomore majoring
According to a shocking ward Thorndike, the fac- in sociology and an author
report released by the stu- ulty advisor of UFCA and of the report, explained.
dent-run watchdog organi- a professor of biological "What we see here is not
zation Undergrads For science at Pitt. “What I just a statistical abnormal-
Computer Amnesty had no idea of at the time ity; it is an absolutely
(UFCA), Linux-enabled was precisely how devas- damning indictment of the
computers, a slim minority tating and pervasive systematic discrimination
of the computer popula- [Linux-related depression] these computers have suf-
tion at the University, suf- is at this school. Had I fered at the hands of a
fer astronomical rates of known, I would never have technologically illiterate
depression. allowed [HYC] to get off society. In every computer
This release followed the ground.” lab on campus, we [at
closely on the heels of the The report, entitled "Rates UFCA] see the same sober-
recent University- of Depression and Depres- ing story--Linux is avail-
sponsored event “H8 UR sion-Related Mortality in able only on computers
COMPUTER”, a week- University of Pittsburgh tucked away in the very
Linux, Page 4

Pittiful Police Blotter

Tuesday, March 3
10:25 p.m.—Police arrested freshman
Steve Norton for drunken misconduct.
Friday, March 6
6:00 p.m.—Police saw students off for
Spring Break. No casualties were reported.
Sunday, March 8
4:03 p.m.—Police started to get a little bit
lonely with everyone gone for Spring
Break.
Monday, March 9
3:18 a.m.—Police arrested non-affiliate
Mark Higgins because they were bored.
Tuesday, March 10 Sunday, March 15
8:00 a.m.—Police called up Steve Norton 9:00 a.m.—The police began a long and
to see if he was free to go partying with eager wait for all the Pitt students to re-
them that night. Steve informed them that turn.
it was 4 in the morning where he lived.
The police hung up. Thursday, March 19
11:25 p.m.—The police arrested 137 stu-
Wednesday, March 11 dents for a variety of crimes, including
7:39 p.m.—Police responded to a report of underage drinking, open container viola-
the “Spring Break Bandits” being caught. tion, disorderly conduct, murder, vandal-
They were disappointed to find out that all ism, theft, resisting arrest, public urina-
the “fun stuff” had been taken care of by tion, speeding, backtalk, lying, assault,
some random high schoolers. and one case of rape in Towers Lobby. All
7:41 p.m.—Police arrested the high school- students, while being arrested, were in-
ers for trespassing. formed “we missed you.”

PitTiful News STAFF

Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
Jess Edelstein Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Rachel Harris John Mooney Phil Papa Matt Russak Kevin Wielgus
Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Diana Ren David Smeresky Evelyn Yarzebinski

Wanna talk about it? E-mail us at PittifulNews@gmail.com . Shhhh...we’re here for you.
 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com
Watchmen makes viewer lose faith in society, and not in the good way
By: Jake Swanson It’s not that the movie is
Editor-in-Chief & “Watchmen” fan bad. No, in fact, the movie
was pretty good. Cinematog-
Over the holiday, I had raphy, good effects (besides
the chance to see the Watch- Bubastis the cat), solid act-
men movie. ing, it was all pretty much a
And boy, can I say that I good film.
was disappointed! My problem was with the
adaptation of the comic.
That was where I felt that
the movie failed. Epicly.
I mean, I read the comic
not too long ago, but I have
the right to call myself a
true fan, as I read it before I
even knew about the movie.
Therefore, I am not one of
you mere mortals who saw
the trailer in front of The
Dark Knight and thought
“Maybe I’ll see why this
graphic novel is so ac-
claimed.” No. You all suck.
Go die.
Rorschach (Jackie Earle Haley) would have The comic was amazing. I
been perfect, if only he’d made his first kill
the same way that he did in the novel. But had to reread it and recom-
NOOOOOOOO they had to change EVERY- mend it to all of my friends
THING!
after reading it. Some of
them showed no interest in
it…until the trailer came
out. They’re not my friends
anymore.
But the movie just failed
in translating the comic to
screen. Just. Failed. It failed
so much, that I’m struggling
to come up with a reason as
to how it failed. It’s that
long a list of failures.
Let’s start at the very be-
ginning, that’s a very good
place to start. The novel
opens with the detectives
examining the murder scene
of Edward Blake, or rather
it starts with several panels
moving out from Mr. Blake’s
bloody smiley-face pin that
is lying on the street, stories
below his apartment. The
movie did a perfect job of
recreating this moment. The
shot was exactly how I pic-
tured it. Except that it was-
3
n’t at the very beginning!
The beginning of the movie
showed Blake’s actual mur-
der, not the aftermath.
As soon as the movie
opened like that, I was spill-
ing popcorn all over the
theater floor. I asked the
ushers afterwards to take
pictures of the spilled snack,
so that they could be mailed
to Zach Snyder (the film’s
director), to show him what
suffering he has wrought
with his film. I expect that
he has gotten about a billion
photos like that from fans
just like me.
Another problem I had
was with the costumes. The
costumes were totally differ-
ent in the graphic novel. I
mean, putting Ozymandias
in a suit that has nipples on
it? That’s not gay at all. I
mean, I guess that there’s
strong belief in the graphic

Watchmen, Page 4

High-schoolers stop costumed baddies over Spring Break

Bandits, Page 1

“I was just glad to help,”
said Freddy Scoobert, the
self-proclaimed leader of the
gang, “We were lucky to be
in the right place at the
right time.”
He admits that the group
gets a sort of “rush” from
driving around sketchy
neighborhoods on almost
empty tanks of gas. Their
car just happened to run out
of gas in front of the same
house that the Spring Break
Bandits were robbing at the
time and decided to enter
the building.
“We went in the apart-
ment for no reason at all,”
said Daphne Hanna, an-
other of the high schoolers. was no easy task, no matter “He stood his ground and
“I called the police when I how it sounds. tore off the schoolgirl’s
noticed that they all had “It was scary and tough,” clothes,” said Scoobert.
nicer legs than I do.” said Velma Barbera, another “I’ve never been so proud of
The group of the teens involved him.”
used various Rrrwoof. in the capture. Meddle was apparently
items, including -Meddle the “They fought back ready and willing to help.
a laundry bas- Dog at first. I lost my “Rrrwoof,” he said.
ket, two pens, glasses during the Despite their bravery, the
and a piece of cheese, to fight, and I can’t see with- teenagers are being charged
catch the thieves before po- out them. They almost had with trespassing. No one
lice arrived. The teens chose us there.” really knows why they chose
not to disclose their exact It seems that the gang al- to enter the building at all.
plan. most did make it out, and The teens themselves refuse
“It was simple, really,” would have gotten away to comment on their rea-
said Scoobert, “but I have a with it, if not for Meddle, sons. The fourth teenager
patent pending for it.” Scoobert’s pet dog, who had could not be reached for
The teens admit that been brought along for the comment.
bringing down the thieves ride.
4 The Pittiful News—http://www.pittifulnews.webs.com/— PittifulNews@gmail.com

Linux-related depression an epidemic “Watchmen” is unexpectedly

Linux, Page 2 not as good as comics
corner [of computer labs], bypassed event is scheduled for Wednesday, Watchmen, Page 3
by what are sometimes lengthy lines April 1st at the Chevron Science
of students who choose instead to Center. Tickets are on sale through novel that he is gay…but he didn’t make
wait for a Windows or Mac com- members of both the Pitt and CMU it that obvious. Besides that, Silk Spectre
puter to become available,” she chapters of UFCA; students may had a totally different suit, Dr. Manhattan
said. also purchase a red hat to show is not that well hung, and Rorschach’s
As news of the report since its re- their support of the trousers were totally the wrong color.
lease on Tuesday swept the student cause. Thorndike also hinted at a Yeah, they failed on bringing the true
body, ResNet rushed to issue a possible end-of-the-year event, color and feel to life on screen.
statement indicating that further “Ubuntu Bash”. Finally, the film was a very dumbed
investigation was necessary before “Depending on the success of the down version. Tons of action scenes were
it could confirm or deny the har- luncheon,” he said, “we are really lengthened, and the sex scene was too long
rowing content and conclusion pre- looking forward to organizing fu- as well. 30 minutes of action in a 2 hour,
sented by UFCA. ture Linux-themed events. It will 45 minute movie that is supposed to be
"That's bullsh*t,” said be a chance for Linux users to kick pure thought? I’m gonna go with No for
Levitt. “These guys are monsters." up their heels and raise awareness $200, Alex.
Concerned students have since for what might be the civil rights In the end, I think that they should
organized a “Linux Luncheon” to issue of the twenty-first century.” have gone with the original idea for a
raise awareness and money. The script that was submitted. It apparently
involved all the characters, like Rorschach
and Silk Spectre, getting sucked through
Letter to the Editor
Dear Pittiful News,
some dimensional vortex that leads to our
world, the real world. There, apparently,
I think your health columnist Dr. Kiva Han is a fraud. some kid would have been reading the
She told me to eat nothing but ice cream to lose weight! I realized her graphic novel and recognized the gang.
fraudulence after the first three days on The Ice Cream Diet when I realized that I Then the police would try to arrest them,
was not losing weight, but instead gaining it rather quickly AND my brain hurt from and the movie would end. It might have
all the brain freeze the ice cream caused. Then I went to Barnes & Noble to buy the not been as faithful an adaptation, but at
diet book she referred to, and it said nothing about cold ice cream burning calories!
It was some mumbo jumbo about the calcium in ice cream being good for you in least then Snyder wouldn’t have been get-
MODERATION! WTF!? I say you fire the bitch who ruined my spring break (I ting my hopes up for a perfect adaptation.
couldn’t wear a bikini at the beach!) to put an end to her fraudulent ways. I bet she But he did, and so it failed. Thus, if I
isn’t even a real doctor. Fraudfraudbitchbitchfraudbitchfraud really want to see an Alan Moore comic-
adaptation, I will go and watch League of
Sincerely, Extraordinary Gentlemen. Much better
Forever Fat From Fraud than this Watchmen crap.

Moojer Moolfunction by: Moorachel Mooharris