Xiaolu Guo

A Concise Chinese English Dictionary for Lovers

prologue
prologue n. 1. an introductory section or screen in a book, play, or leading to another. usical !ork" #. an event or action

$o!. %ei&ing ti e 1# clock idnight. above to earth and trying re e ber all London ti e ' clock afternoon. %ut ( at neither ti e )one. ( on airplane. *itting on #',+++ k English ( learning in school. ( not et you yet. ,ou in future.

Looking outside the assive sky. -hinking air staffs need to set a special ti e.)one for long.distance airplanes, or passengers like e very confusing about ti e. /hen a body floating in air, !hich country she belonging to0 1eople2s 3epublic of China passport bending in y pocket.

1assport type41 1assport $o.4G++5'+1#6 $a e in full47huang Xiao 8iao *e94:e ale Date of birth4#5 ;<L, 1=>= 1lace of birth47he ;iang, 1. 3. China

( !orry bending passport bring trouble to i igration officer, he refusing e into the <?, even !ith noble !ord on the page4

ight doubting passport is fake and

-he @inistry of :oreign Affairs of the 1eople2s 3epublic of China reAuests all civil and ilitary authorities of foreign countries to allo! the bearer of this passport to pass freely and afford assistance in case of need. China further and further, disappearing behind clouds. %elo! is ocean. ( fro ti e y life ( see sea. (t look like a drea . desert to!n. (s the first

As ( far a!ay fro China, ( asking e !hy ( co ing to /est. /hy ( ust to study English like parents !ish0 /hy ( ust to get diplo a fro /est0 ( not kno!ing !hat ( needing. *o eti es ( not even caring !hat ( needing. ( not caring if ( speaking English or not. @other only speaking in village dialect and even

not speaking official @andarin, but she beco ing rich !ith to!n. Life B?. /hy they !ant changing y life0

y father, fro

aking shoes in our little an

And ho! ( living in strange country /est alone0 ( never been to /est. Bnly /estern ( seeing is !orking in %ei&ing %ritish E bassy behind tiny !indo!. Ce sta p visa on brand ne! passport.

/hat else ( kno!ing about /est0 A erican -D series dubbing into Chinese, sho!ing us big houses in suburb, !ife by !indo! cooking and car arriving in front house. Cusband back !ork. Cusband say Coney ( ho e, then little childrens running to hi , see if he bringing gift. %ut that not scared. y life. -hat nothing to do !ith y life. ( not having life in /est. ( not having ho e in /est. (

( no speaking English. ( fearing future.

alien
alien ad&. 1. foreign" #. repugnant EtoF" 5. fro another !orld.n. 1. foreigner" #. being fro another !orld. (s unbelievabal, ( arriving London, G Ceathlo! Airport.H Every single na e very difficult re e bering, because &ust not G London Airport H si ple !ay like !e si ple !ay call G %ei&ing Airport.H Everything very confuse !ay here, passengers is separating in t!o Aueues. *ign in front of Aueue say4 AL(E$ and $B$ AL(E$. (a alien, like Colly!ood fil Alien, ( live in another planet, !ith funny looking and strange language. ( standing in ost longly and slo!ly Aueue !ith all aliens !aiting for visa checking. ( feel little cri inal but ( doing nothing !rong so far. @y English so bad. Co! to do0 (n y te9t book ( study back China, it says English peoples talk like this4

Co! are you0H ( a ( a

very !ell. Co! are you0H very !ell.H

8uestion and ans!er e9actly the sa eI Bld saying in China4 G%irds have their bird language, beasts have their beast talkH

English they totally another species. ( igration officer holding y passport behind his accounter, y heart hanging on high sky. :inally he sta ping on y visa. @y heart touching do!n like air plane. Ah. /o. Co. Ca. 1icking up y luggage, no! ( a legal foreigner. %ecause legal foreigner fro Co unis region, ( ust re.educate, ust atch this capitalis freedo and /estern de ocracy. All ( kno! is4 ( not understanding !hat people say to e at all. :ro no! on, ( go !ith Concise Chinese. English Dictionary at all ti es. (t is red cover, look &ust like Little 3ed %ook. ( carrying i portant book, even go to the toilet, in case ( not kno!ing the !ords for so e advanced achine and need checking out in dictionary. Dictionary is ost i portant thing fro China. Concise eaning si ple and clean.

hostel
hostel n. a building providing acco odation at a lo! cost for a specific group of people such as students, travellers, ho eless people, etc.

:irst night in Ghostel.H Little Concise Chinese.English Dictionary hostel e9plaining4 a place for Gpeople such as students, travellers and ho eless peopleH to stay. *o eti es y dictionary absolute right. ( a student and ( a ho eless looking for place to stay. Co! they kno!ing y situation precisely0 -housands of additional !ords and phrases reflect scientific and technological innovations, as !ell as changes in politics, culture, and society. (n particular, any ne! !ords and e9pressions as !ell as ne! usages and eanings !hich have entered the Chinese language as a result of China 2s open.door policy over the last decade have been included in the Chinese.English section of the dictionary. -hat is sentence in 1reface. All sentence in preface long like this, very in.understandable. %ut ( ust learning this stylish English because it high.standard English fro authority. (s parents2 co and on e4 studying ho! speak and !rite English in England, then co ing back China, leaving &ob in govern ent !ork unit and aking lots oney for their shoes factory by big international business relations. 1arents belief their life is dog2s life, but !ith oney they save fro last several years, ( ake better life through /estern education. Any!ay, hostel called G$uttington CouseH in %ro!n *treet, nearby Ed!ard 3oad and %aker *treet. ( !rite all the na es careful in notebook. $o lost. %ro!n *treet see really bro!n !ith brick buildings every!here. 1rison looking. *i9teen pounds for per bed per day. /ith si9teen pounds, ( live in top hotel in China !ith private bathroo . $o! ( ust learn counting the oney and being ean to yself and others. :irst night in England is headache. 1ulling large an. ade.in.China.suitcase into hostel, second !heel fall off by ti e ( open the door. E:irst !heel already fall off !hen ( get suitcase fro airport2s luggage bell.F (s typical suitcase produced by any factory in /en 7hou, y ho eto!n. @y ho eto!n China 2s biggest ho e.products industry to!n, our govern ent says. Coat hangers, plastic !ashbasins, clothes, leather belts and nearly.leather bags, co puter co ponents etc, !e ake there. Every fa ily in y to!n is factory. %ig factories e9port their products to every!here in the !orld, &ust like y parents get order fro ;apan, *ingapore and (srael. %ut any!ay, one over.the.sea trip and ( lost all the !heels. ( s!ear ( never buy any products ade fro ho e to!n again. *tanding iddle of the roo , ( feeling strange. -his is -he /est. %y !indo!, there hanging old red curtain !ith holes. <nder feet, old blood.red carpet has suspicions dirty spots. %eddings, they covering by old red blanket too. Everything is dirty blood red. 3oo s elling old, rotten. *uddenly y body feeling old too. GEnglish people respect history, not like us,H teachers say to us in schools. (s true. (n China no!, all buildings is no ore than ten years old and they already old enough to be de olished. /ith y enor ous curiosity, !alking do!n to the night street. :irst night ( a!ay ho e in y entirely t!enty.three years life, everything scare e. (s cold, late !inter. /indy and chilli. ( feeling ( can die for all kinds of situation in every second. $o safety in this country, ( think unsafe feeling co e fro ( kno!ing nothing about this country. ( scared ( in a big danger. ( scared by cars because they see s co ing fro any possible directing. ( scared by long hair black an passing because ( think he beating e up &ust like in fil s. ( scared by a dog. Actually chained !ith old lady but ( thinking dog aybe have ad.dog.illness and it suddenly bite e and then ( in hospital then ( have no oney to pay and then ( sent back to China. /alking around like a ghost, ( see t!o rough ans in corner suspicionly s oke and e9change so ething. (ll.legal, ( have to run. aybe they desperate drug addictors robbing y oney. Even !hen ( see a beggar sleeping in a sleep bag ( a scared. Eyes !ide open in darkness staring at e like angry cat. /hat he doing here0 ( a taught everybody in /est has social security and edical insurance, so, !hy he needs begging0 ( going back Auickly to $uttington Couse. 3ed old carpet, red old curtain, red old blanket. %etter s!itch off light. $ight long and lonely, staying nervously in tacky roo . London should be like e peror2s city. %ut ( cannot feel it. $oise co ing fro other roo . Laughing in drunkenly !ay. <pstairs -D ne!s speaking intensely nonsense. Bften the an shouting like ad in the street. ( !orry. ( !orry ( getting lost and nobody in China can find e any ore. Co! ( finding i portant places including %uckingha 1alace, or %ig *tupid Clock0 ( looking every!here but not seeing big posters of David %eckha , *picy Girls or 1resident @argaret -hatcher. (n China !e hanging the every!here. English person not respect their heroes or !hat0

$o sleeping. *!itching on the light again. Everything turning red. %loody ne! !orld. ( study little red dictionary. English !ords ade only fro t!enty.si9 characters0 Are English a bit la)y or !hat0 /e have fifty thousand characters in Chinese. *tarting at page one4 A4 Abacus44E eaning a !ooden achine used for countingF Abandon44E eaning to leave or thro! a!ayF Abashed44E eaning to feel e brassed or regretfulF Abattoir44E eaning a place to kill the ani alsF Abbess44E eaning the boss of !o an Abbey44E eaning a te pleF Abbot44E eaning the boss of a te pleF Abbreviate44E eaning to !rite a !ord AuicklyF Abduct44E eaning to tie so ebody up and take a!ay to so e!hereF onk2s houseF

/ords beco ing blurred and no 1. %uilder2s *uper 1latter4

eaning. -he first night ( falling into darkness !ith the &et.lag tiredness. ushroo , to ato, # toast, tea or coffee included.

double egg, beans, bacon, sausage, bubble, #. Degetarian %reakfast4 double egg, bubble, full english breakfast

ushroo , beans, veggie sausage, hash bro!ns, tea or coffee included.

-alk

doesn2t cook rice,H say Chinese. Bnly thing ( care in life is eating. And ( learning English by food first, of course. (s ost practical !ay. Getting up early, ( have free :ull English %reakfast fro y hostel. English so proud they not &ust say hotel, they say %ed and %reakfast, because breakfast so i portantly to English situation. Even say G% and %H everyone kno! !hat thinking about. %reakfast ore i portant than %ed. ( never seeing a breakfast like that. (s big lunch for construction !orkerI ( not believe every orning, y hostel offering everybody this eal, lasting three hours, fro > clock to 1+ clock. :ood like essy scru pled eggs, very salty bacons, burned bread, very thick ilk, s!eet bean in orange sauce, coffee, tea, ilk, &uice. Church or te ple should be like this, giving the generosity to nor al people. %ut J45+ in the orning ( refuse accepting t!o oily sausage, !hatever it ade by pork or by vegetables, is &ust too fat for a little Chinese. /hat is this Gbaked beansH0 /hite colour beans, in orange sticky s!eet sauce. ( see so e baked bean tins in shop !hen ( arrive to London yesterday. -in food is very e9pensive to China. Also !e not kno!ing ho! to open it. *o ( never ever try tin food. Cere, right in front of e, this baked beans ust be very e9pensive. Delicacy is baked beans. Bnly proble is, tastes like so ebody put beans into outh but spit out and back into plate. *itting on breakfast table, y belly is never so full. *till t!o pieces of bread and several Gbaked to atoesH on y plate. ( can2t che! ore. :eeling guilty and !asty, ( take out little Concise Chinese. English Dictionary fro y pocket, start study English. @y language school not starting yet, so ( have to learn by yself first. Bld Chinese saying4 Gthe stupid bird should fly first before other birds start to flyH

/hen ( a ust hate

studying the !ord Acco odate, !o an co e clean table, and tell e that ( eat too uch food here. %ut not y fault.

e (

ust leave. *he

:irst orning, ( steal !hite coffee cup fro table. *econd orning, ( steal glass. *o no! in y roo ( can having tea or !ater. After breakfast ( steal breads and boiled eggs for lunch, so ( don2t spending e9tra oney on food. ( even saving bacons for supper. *o ( saving bit oney fro y parents and using for cine a or buying books. (ll.legal. ( kno!. Bnly in this country three days and ( already beco e thief. ( never steal piece of paper in o!n country. $o! ( studying hard on English, soon ( stealing their language too. $obody kno! y na e here. Even they read the spelling of y na e4 7huang Xiao 8iao, they have no idea ho! saying it. /hen they see y na e starts fro G7,H stop trying. ( unpronouncable @s. 7. :irst three days in this country, !herever ( !alk, the voice fro y parents echo y ears4

$o talking strangers.H

$o talking !here you live.H $o talking ho! And

uch oney you have.H ost i portant thing4 no trusting anybody.H other2s harsh local dialect, of course,

-hat y past life. Life before in China. -he !arns speaking in y translation into English by Concise Chinese.English Dictionary.

properly
proper ad&. 1. real or genuine" #. suited to a particular purpose" 5. correct in behaviour" e9cessively oral.

properly adv. 1. in a proper !ay" #. in the precise sense.

-oday y first ti e taking ta9i. Co! ( find i portant place !ith bus and tube0 (s i possibility. -ube ap is like plate of noodles. %us route is in.understandable. (n y ho e to!n everyone take cheap ta9i, but in London is very e9pensive and ta9i is like the Loyal fa ily look do!n to e. Driver say4 G1lease shut the door properlyIH ( already shut the door, but ta9i don2t Driver shout (a oving. anner. e again4 G*hut the door properlyIH in a concisely

bit scared. ( not understanding !hat is this Gproperly.H

( beg your pardon0H ( ask. G/hat is properly0H *hut the door properlyIH -a9i driver turns around his big head and neck nearly break because of anger. %ut !hat is Kproperly,2 *ir0H ( so frightened that ( not daring ask it once
Driver co ing out fro ta9i, and !alking to door. ( think he going kill e hardly. e. Ce opens door again, s ashing it back to ore again.

1roperlyIH he shout.
Later, ( go in bookshop and check GproperlyH in Collins English Dictionary EG-CE A<-CB3(-, B$ C<33E$E$GL(*CHF. 1roperly eans Gcorrect behaviour.H ( think of y behaviour !ith the ta9i driver ten inutes ago. /hy incorrect0 ( go to accounter buy little Collins for y pocket. @y s all Concise Chinese.English Dictionary not having GproperlyH Gcorrect behaviourH because every behaviour correct. eaning. (n China !e never think of

( !ant !rite these ne!ly learned !ords everyday, ake y o!n dictionary. *o ( learn English fast. ( !rite do!n here and no!, in every second and every inute !hen ( hear a ne! noise fro an English2s outh.

fog
fog n. a ass of condensed !ater vapour in the lo!er air, often greatly reducing visibility.

London is the Capital of fog.H (t saying in iddle school te9tbook. /e studying chapter fro Charles Dickens2s novel :oggy City Brphan. Everybody kno! Bliver -!ist living in city !ith bad fog. (s very popular novel in China. As soon as ( arriving London, ( look around the sky but no any fogs. GE9cuse fogs0H ( ask police an in street. e, !here ( seeing the

*orry0H he says. ( !aiting t!o days already, but no fogs,H ( say.

Ce &ust look at e, he ust no understanding of y English. /hen ( return $uttington Couse fro y touris visiting, reception lady tell e4 GDery cold today, isn2t it0H %ut !hy she tell e0 ( kno! this infor ation, and no! is too late, because ( finish y touris visiting, and ( !et and free)ing. -oday ( reading not allo!ed to stay ore than one !eek in hostel. ( not understanding hostel2s policy. G@oney can buy everything in capitalis countryH !e told in China. @y parents al!ays saying if you have oney you can ake the devil push your grind stone. %ut here you not staying even if you pay. @y parents !rong. ( checking all cheap flats on LBB- in 7one 1 and # of London and ringing agents. All agents sound like fro Arabic countries and all called Ali. -heir English no good too. Bne Ali charges @arble Arch area" one Ali charges %aker *treet area. %ut ( eet different Alis at B9ford Circus tube station, and see those houses. ( dare not to ove in. 1laces dirty and di and s elly. Co! ( live there0 London, by appearance, so noble, respectable, but !hen ( follo! these Alis, ( find London a refuge ca p.

beginner
beginner n. a person !ho has &ust started learning to do so ething. Colborn. :irst day studying y language school. Dery very frustrating.

@y

na e is @argaret /ilkinson, but please call e @argaret,H y gra ar teach tells in front blackboard. %ut ( ust give respect, not &ust call @argaret. ( !ill call @rs. @argaret.

/hat

is gra ar0 Gra says in the classroo .

ar is the study of the

echanics and dyna ics of language,H @rs. @argaret

( not understanding !hat she saying. @rs. @argaret have a neatly cut pale blonde hair, !ith very serious clothes. -op and her botto al!ays sa e colour. *he not telling her age, but ( guessing she fro 51 to 'L. *he !earing !o ans style shoes, high heel black leather, very possible her shoes are all ade in ho e to!n /en 7hou, by y parents. *he should kno! it, one day ( tell her. *o she not so proud in front of us. Chinese, !e not having gra ar. /e saying things si ple !ay. $o verb.change usage, no tense differences, no gender changes. /e bosses of our language. %ut, English language is boss of English user. @rs. @argaret teaching us about nouns. ( discovering English is very scientific. *he saying nouns have t!o types.countable and uncountable.

,ou can say a car, but not a rice,H she says. %ut to ;eans

e, cars are really uncountable in the street, and !e can count the rice if !e pay great attention to a rice bo!l. @rs. @argaret also e9plaining nouns is plural and singular. are pairs,H she says. %ut, everybody kno! &eans or trousers al!ays one thing, you can2t !ear any &ean or plural trouser. :our years old baby kno! that. /hy !aste ink adding GsH0 *he also saying nouns is three different gender4 asculine, fe inine, and neuter.

A table is neuter,H she says.

%ut, !ho cares a table is neuter0 Everything English so scientific and proble atic. <nlucky for e because y science al!ays very bad in school, and ( never understanding athe atics. :irst day, already kno! ( a loser. After lunch breaking, @rs. @argaret introducing us little about verbs. Derb is &ust cra)y. Derb has verbs, verb.ed and verb.ing. And verbs has three types of ood too4 indicative, i perative, sub&unctive. /hy so oody0 GDon2t be too frustrated. ,ou !ill all soon be speaking the 8ueen2s English.H @rs. @argaret s iles to e.

pronoun
pronoun n. a !ord, such as she or it, used to replace a noun. :irst !eek in language school, ( speaking like this4

/ho is her na

e0H

(t costing ( three pounds buying this disgusting sand!ich.H *ally telling ( that her &ust having coffee.H @e having fried rice today.H @e !atching -D !hen
e in China.H

Bur should do things together !ith the people.H

Al!ays the sa e, the people laughing as long as ( open y outh. e as the ob&ectIH

@s. 7h.u.ang, you have to learn !hen to use ( as the sub&ect, and !hen to use
@rs. @argaret speaking 8ueen2s English to e.

*o ( have t!o e s0 According to @rs. @argaret, one is sub&ect ( one is ob&ect (0 %ut ( only one (. <nless @rs. @argaret talking about incarnation or after life. *he also telling e ( disorder !hen speaking English. Chinese !e starting sentence fro of ti e or place. Brder like this4 Last autu n on the Great /all !e eat barbecue. *o ti e and space al!ays bigger than little hu an in our country. (s not like order in English sentence, G(,H or G;akeH or G@aryH by front of everything, supposing be ost i portant thing to !hole sentence. concept

MMM
English a se9ist language. (n Chinese no Ggender definitionH in sentence. :or e9a ple, @rs. @argaret says these in class4

Everyone

ust do his best.H

(f a pupil can2t attend the class, he should let his teacher kno!.H /e need to vote for a chair
Al!ays talking about an for the student union.H ans, no !o ansI

@rs. @argaret later telling verb ost difficult thing for our oriental people. (s not only Gdifficult,H is Gi possibilityHI ( not understanding !hy verb can al!ays changing. Bne day ( find a poetry by /illia *hakespeare on school2s library shelf. ( studying hard. ( even not stopping for lunch. ( open little Concise Dictionary ore forty ti es checking ne! !ords. After looking so e *hakespeare poetry, ( !ill can return back y China ho e, teaching everyone about *hakespeare. Even y father kno! *hakespeare big dude, because our in our local govern ent evening classes they telling everyones *hakespeare ost fa ous person fro %ritain. Bne thing, even *hakespeare !rite bad English. :or e9a ple, he says G/here go thou0H (f ( speak like that @rs. @argaret !ill tell e !rongly. Also ( finding poe of hi call GAn Butcry <pon BpportunityH4

-is thou that e9ecut2st the traitor2s treason"

-hou sett2st the !olf !here he the la b ay get y ( not understanding at all. /hat this G2tis,H Ge9ecut2stH and Gsett2stH0 *hakespeare can !riting that, spelling not too bad then.

After gra ar class, ( sit on bus and have deep thought about y ne! language. 1erson as do inate sub&ect, is ain thing in an English sentence. Does it ean /est culture respecting individuals ore0 (n China, you open daily ne!spaper, title on top is GB<3 C(*-B3, DEC(DE (- (* -(@E -B GE- 3(CCH or G-CE G3EA- CB@@<$(*- 1A3-, CADE -C(3D @EE-($GH or G-CE #++J BL,@1(C* $EED C(-(7E$* 1LA$- @B3E

G3EE$*.H Look, no sub&ects here are ans or !o ans. @aybe Chinese too sha ing putting their na e first, because that not odest !ay to be.

classNObookbodyO

slogan
slogan n. a catch!ord or phrase used in politics or advertising. ( go in bookshop buy the English version of Little 3ed %ook. $ot easy read but very useful argue !ith English using Chair an @ao slogans. English version is !ithout translator na e on cover. ,es, no second na e can be shared on @ao2s !ork. Chair an @ao has inherited, defended and developed @ar9is .Leninis and has brought it to a higher and co pletely ne! stage. !ith genius, creatively and co prehensively,

-he English translators of this book, they are like feather co pare !ith -ai @ountain. (n /est, @ao2s !ords !ork for e, though they not !ork in China no!. E9a ple, today big confusion in streets. Every!here people arching to say no to !ar in (raA.

$o !ar for oilIH Listen to your peopleIH

-he de on.strators fro every!here in %ritain, socialists, Co unists, teachers, students, house!ifes, labour !orkers, @usli !o ans covered under the scarf !ith their childrenP-hey arching to the Cyde park. ( a in arch because ( not finding !ay to hostel. *o no choice e9cept follo!ing. ( search Chinese faces in the arch tea . Dery fe!. @aybe they busy and desperately earning oney in those Chinese -akea!ays. 1eople in arch see s really happy. @any s iles. -hey feel happy in sunshine. Like having !eekend fa ily picnic. /hen finish everyone rush drink beers in pubs and ladies gather in tea houses, rub their sore foots. Can this kind of de on.stration stop !ar0 :ro @ao2s little red book, ( learning in school4 A revolution is not a dinner party, or !riting an essay, or painting a picture, or doing e broidery" it cannot be so refined, so leisurely and gentle, so te perate, kind, courteous, restrained and agnani ous. A revolution is an insurrection, an act of violence !ith !hich one class overthro!s another. 1robably Co unist love !ar ore than anybody. :ro bloody. E%ut blood happen everyday any!ayPF Ce say4 Bppose un&ust !ar !ith &ust !ar, !henever possible. *o if people here !ant to against !ar in (raA, they needing have civil !ar !ith their -ony %lair here, or their %ush. (f ore people bleeding in native country, then those ens not aking !ar in other place. @ao2s opinion, !ar able be G;ustH although it is

!eather
!eather n. the state of the at osphere at a place and ti e in ter s of te perature, !ind, rain, etc.. v. Ecause toF be affected by the !eather" co e safely through.

Carrying eat ball and pork slice fro super arket, no! ( a /hat is this G,eH0 /hy GBldeH not GBldH0 /rong spelling.

in place calling ,e Blde English -ea *hop.

-ea house like 8ing dynasty old style building !aiting for being de olish. Everything looking really old here, especial !ood stick bea in iddle of house, supporting roof. Bld carpet under the foot is very co plication flo!er pattern, like so ething fro e peror other house.

/here

!ould you like to sit0H, G/hat can ( get you0H, GA table for one person0H, GAre you alone0H. * iling !aiter ask so any Auestions. Ce aking e feel bit lonely. (n China ( not have loneliness concept. Al!ays !e !ith fa ily or cro!d. %ut England, al!ays alone, and even !aiter al!ays re ind you you are aloneP Everybody listening the !eather at this o ent in tea house. All ti e in London, ( hearing !eather report fro radios. (t tells !eather situation like e ergency typhoon co ing. %ut no e ergency co ing here. ( checking Concise Chinese.English Dictionary. (t saying all English under the !eather, and all English is !eather beaten, eans unco fortable. (s reasonable, of course. England everybody beaten by the !eather. Al!ays doubt or choice about !eather. /eather it rain or !eather it sunshine, you &ust not kno!. /eather report also very difficult understand. -he !eather an not saying GrainH or GsunnyH because they speaking in co plication and big dra a !ay. Ce reporting !eather like reporting big !ar4 G<nfortunatelyPCopefullyPH. ( listen t!o hours radio ( eet t!ice !eather report. Do they think %ritish E pire as big China that it need to report at any ti e0 Br clouds in this country changing every single inute0 ,es, look at the clouds no!, they are so suspiciousI $ot like y ho e to!n, often several !eeks !ithout one piece cloud in sky and !eather an has nothing ore to say. *o e days he &ust saying G(t is ,in,H !hich ean !eather is negative.

classNObookbodyO

confusion
confuse v. i9 up" perple9, disconcert" ake unclear. confusion n. 1. the state of being confused" #. a situation of panic or disorder" 5. the person or thing for another. istaking of one

English food very confusing. -hey eating and drinking strange things. ( think even Confucius have great confusion if he studying English. (t is already afternoon about 5 o2clock and ( so hungry. /hat can ( eat, ( asking !aiter. Ce offering GAfternoon -ea.H /hat0 Eat afternoon tea0 *o he sho!ing e blackboard, !here is a enu4 ,e Blde English -ea # scones, &a , !hipped crea , pot of tea lb5.>' /hatever, ( ust to eat !hatever they have or ( faint. -hree inutes later and thick and dry, crea is unbelieveable, butter is greasy, and &a cra berry and stra!berry. A !hite tea pot !ith a !hite tea cup. y thing arrives4 GsconesH hot are three kinds4 raspberry,

( confusing again !hen ( look at G!hipped crea H on little blackboard. /hat is that ean0 Co! people !hip the crea 0 ( see a poster so e!here near Chinato!n. Bn poster naked !o an only !ears leather boots and leather pants, and she !hipping naked an kneeling do!n under legs. *o a English chef also !hipping in kitchen0 ( put scones into coffee.H outh, and drink tea like horse. $e9t door e, ( hearing so ebody !anting Gfrothy y friend !ill have a black

A lady !ith a young an. *he say4 GCan ( have a frothy coffee, please0 And coffee, !ith ski ed ilk.H (t ust be big !ork aking so ething Gski so co plicating and need so uch !ork0

ed,H and Gfrothy,H and G!hipped.H /hy drinking beco e uch !ater so

And !ater are even ore co plicating here. @aybe raining everyday here and too English aking lots kind !ater. ( thirsty fro /aiter asks eating dry scones. e4 G/hat !ould you like0 -ap !ater or filthy !ater0H shocked.

/hat0 :ilthy !ater0H ( a

B?, filthy !ater.H Ce leave and fetch bottle of !ater.

( so curious about strange !ater. ( opening bottle. ( drinking it. -aste bitter, very filthy, not natural at all, like poison.

ho esick
ho esick ad&. sad because issing one2s ho e or fa ily. (n y language school, @rs. @argaret ask e tea0H e4

/ould you like so $o,H ( say.

*he looking at

e, her face suddenly fro)en. -hen she asking e coffee then0H

e again4

/ould you like so $o. ( don2t !ant.H

Are you sure you don2t !ant anything0H $o. ( don2t !ant anything !et,H ( saying loudly, precisely.
@rs. @argaret looking very upset. %ut !hy she asking e again and again0 ( already ans!er her fro first ti e.

Bh, dear.H @rs. @argaret sigh heavy. -hen she standing up, and starting

ake her o!n tea. *he drink it in very thirsty !ay, like angry ca el in the desert. ( a confusing. A ( ake tea for her before she asking e0 %ut ho! do ( kno! she thirsty if she not telling e directly0 All this anners very co plication. China not have politeness in sa e !ay. And ho! to learn be polite if ( not getting chance talk people0 ( a al!ays alone, talking in y notebook, or !andering here and there like invisible ghost. $obody speak to e and ( not dare open y outh first because !hen ( start talking, ( asking the rude Auestions.

E9cuse

e, you kno! there are so e red spots on your face0H e0H uch older than e.H

Are you a bit fatter than ( don2t believe !e sa ( think you are a very nor

e age. ,ou look

al person. $ot a special person.H

-he food you cook is disgusting. /hy nobody tell you0H

( already have very fa ous reputation in y language school. -hey say4 G,ou kno! that Chinese girlPH G/hich one0H G-hat rude one of courseIH ( hear it several ti es. @aybe ( need get trained fro KG@anners (nternational EtiAuette /orkshop,H !hich is advertise ent ( read on Chinese ne!spaper. (t say4 @anners (nternational custo tailors each etiAuette progra to the specific reAuire ents of each individual, businessQcorporation, organi)ation, school, Girl *cout -roop, or fa ily. ( think ( a e9actly that GindividualH needing to be taught there, if fee is not too e9pensive. 3e.education is al!ays i portant. @rs. @argaret look at e in sad !ay. G,ou ust be very ho esick,H she says. Actually not issing fa ily at all, and not issing boring little ho eto!n also. ( happy ( not needing think about stinking shoes !ith anyho! the sa e style on sho!roo shelfs in parent factory. ( glad ( not having go !ork every day at !ork unit. Bnly thing ( issing is food. 3oasted ducks, fresh cut la b eat in boiling hot pot, and red chilli spicy fishP/hen thinking of food, ( feel ( ake big istake by leaving China. -his country to e, this a ne! !orld. ( not having past in this country. $o e ory being builded here so far, no sadness or happiness so far, only infor ation, hundreds and thousands of infor ation, !hich confuse e everyday. E9cept y English class every orning, ( so bored of being alone. ( al!ays alone, and talking to yself. /hen sky beco e dark, ( !ant grab so ething !ar in this cold country. ( !ant find friend teach e about this strange country. @aybe ( !ant find an can love e. A an in this country save e, take e,

adopt e, be y fa ily, be y ho e. Every night, !hen ( !rite diary, ( feeling troubled. A ( !riting in Chinese or in English0 ( trying e9press e, but confusing.( see other little e try e9pressing e in other language. @aybe ( not need feeling lonely, because ( al!ays can talk to other G e.H (s like seeing y t!o pieces of lips speaking in t!o languages at sa e ti e. ,es, ( not lonely, because ( !ith another e. Like Austin 1o!er !ith his @ini @e. 1rogressive -enses EAlso called GContinuous -ensesHF 1rogressive tenses are ade !ith -B %E R.($G. -he ost co on use of the progressive for is to talk about an action or situation that is already going on at the particular o ent !e are thinking about. %ut the Ggoing toH structure and the present progressive can also be used to talk about the future. progressive tenses 1eople say G(2 (a going to go to the cine aPH /hy there t!o go for one sentence0 /hy not enough to say one go to go0 going to go to the super arket to buy so e porks0 ,ou are going to go to the B9ford circus to buy clothes0 Ce is going to go to the park for a !alk0

( goH is enough to e9pressing G( a

going to goPH 3eally.

-his afternoon, ( a going to go to cine a !atch double bill.%reakfast at -iffiny2s and *o e Like it Cot. Double bill, they letting people pay one ti e but t!ice of the bill, ho! clever the business hereI Cine a is y paradise. /hen a person not having any idea about real life, &ust !alk into cine a choosing a fil to see. (n China, ( seeing so e A erican fil s, like -itanic, and 3ush Cours, but of course Colly!ood stars speaking @andarin to us, and ( can sing soundtrack fro -itanic, G@y heart goes on and on,H only in Chinese translation. A erican fil s strange in London. 1eople at Language *chool tell e use student card, ( can have cheap cine a ticket. Last !eek ( go 1rince Charles in Chinato!n. -hey say is cheapest cine a in London. -!o fil s screening4 @ohol.land Driver, and %lue Delvet. All together is ore than 6 hours. 1erfect for y lonely night. *o ( buy tickets and get in. /hat cra)y fil sI ( not understanding very uch the English speakings, but ( understand ( ust never !alk in high!ay at night alone. -he !orld scary and strange like deep dark drea . Leaving cine a, tre bling, ( try find bus to ho e, but so e ean kids teasing at each other on bus stop. *houting and s!earing bit like terrorist. Bld an drunk in street and !alk to e saying !ords ( not understanding. @aybe he think ( cheap. England is hopeless country, but people having everything here4 8ueen, %uckingha 1lace, Loyal :a ily, oldest and slo!est tube, %%C, @ar9 S *pencer, -esco, *oho, illenniu bridge, -ate @odern, London -o!er, Cider and ale, even Chinato!n. Any!ay, after %reakfast at -iffany !here poor !o an dressing like princess and *o e Like (t Cot !here ans dressing like !o ans, ( go back y ne! ho e !hich have lo! renting si9ty.five pounds per !eek. (t is ugly place. (t s elling pee in every corner of street. $earby tube station called -ottenha Cale. Couse is t!o floors, lived by Cantonese fa ily4 house!ife, husband !ho !ork as chef in Chinato!n, and 1L.year.old %ritish.accent son. (s like one child policy still carried on here. -he garden is concrete, no any green things. Dery often little !ild grass gro!ing and co e out bet!een the concretes, but house!ife pull and kill grass i ediately. *he is grass killer. -he lush ne9t doors trees trying co e through rusty iron fence, but nothing getting in this concrete fa ily. -his house like factory place in China, &ust for cheap labours earning oney, no life, no green, and no love. :a ily speaks Cantonese so ( not understanding the . Chinese oon calendar is on !all. /ok, chopsticks, @ah ;ong, Chinese cable -D progra esPeverything inside house is traditional. $ot uch fun. Butside, vie! is rough. Bld rusty rail!ay leading to aybe ore interesting place. /alking along rail!ay ( see nearby shopping centre, a @cDonalds, a ?:C, a %urger ?ing, a petrol station called G*hell,H a sad looking -ottenha Cale tube station. Every night ( co ing out -ottenha Cale tube station and !alking ho e shivering. ( scared to pass each single dark corner. (n this place, cra)y ans or sporty kids thro!ing stones to you or shouting to you !ithout reasons. Also, the robbers robbing the peoples even poorer than the . (n China !e believe Grob the rich to feed the poor.H %ut robbers here have no poetry.

Dare to struggle and dare to !in.H

Chair an @ao2s !ords like long ti e no see friend co ing to e. ( need so ebody protect e, acco pany e, but not staring at e in darkness. ( longing for s ile fro an, longing for s ile even only re aining several seconds.

ho ose9ual
ho ose9ual n., ad&. EpersonF se9ually attracted to e bers of the sa e se9.

( eet you in the cine a. (t is fil called :ear Eats *oul, fro Ger an director 3ainer /erner :assbinder. 1rogra e say :assbinder is ho ose9ual. /hat is it0 ( open little Collins English Dictionary.-CE A<-CB3(-, B$ C<33E$- E$GL(*C. (t tells e !hat isCo ose9ual. *trange !ord, ( cannot i agine it. (t is the CinTe.Lu iUere, near *outh ?ensington. > o2clock @onday, raining. $ot over ten people, half are old couple !ith !hite hair. -hen there you are. ,ou are alone. ,ou sit al ost beside e. -!o seats bet!een us. ,our face Auite pale in the di light, but beautiful. ( too a alone in the cine a. ( al!ays alone in the cine a before ( eet you. ( a bit confused !hether if cine a ake e less lonely or even ore lonely. Bn the screen, old Ger an !o an dancing !ith young black an in a pub. All the peoples in pub !atching. Bld !o an she has hu ble s ile. *he has hard life. -hen ( see your s ile in the dark light. /hy ( can see your s ile !hile ( a !atching the fil 0 ,ou turn your face and understand ( a looking at you. ,ou s ile again, but very gentle, and very little. ,ou look back the screen. ,ou have !ar s ile. (s like a baby2s s ile. $obody s ile to the darkness, ( a thinking you ust be kind an. e before like you in this cold country. (n an. %ut nothing to do !ith

(t is a fil sho!s i possible love bet!een old !hite !o an and young black Gho ose9ual.H After fil , !e !alk to e9it. Bur bodies so close. But fro -hen, !ith gentle s ile, you ask e4

cine a, road lights finally light up our faces.

Did you like the fil

( nod head.

0H

(s like the unco fortable English !eather have so e sunshine suddenly. ,ou ask y na e. ( say na e start fro 7, G%ut please no !orry to re e ber,H ( say, G y na e too long pronounce.H ,ou tell e your na e, but ho! ( re e ber English na e0 /estern na e are un. re e berable, like all /estern look the sa e. %ut ( !ant re e ber you, !ant re e ber the difference you !ith others. ( look at your face. %ro!n eyes, transparent. -hick bro!n hair, like colour of leafs in autu n. ,our voice gentle, but solid. (t sound safe. /e !alk fro *outh ?ensington to!ards Cyde 1ark. A long !ay for feets. /hat !e talk about0 ( tell you of fa ous English crea y tea. ,ou say prefer :rench 1atisserie.

1atty surly0H $o patisserie.H Co! spell0H 1.a.t.i.s.s.e.r.i.e.H ,ou speak slo!ly !ith slo!ly /hat is it0H ( not bring dictionary tonight.
,ou stop in front very fashionable G:rench 1atisserieH shop. *till open at late ti e. %eautiful cakes !aiting inside !indo!. oving lips, like @rs. @argaret.

/hich one !ould you like0H ,ou look at

( !orried of price.

e.

( don2t kno!,H ( say. Co! ( kno! about these soft stuffs0 -hen (2ll choose one for you.H
,ou give e a piece of crea y thing. y hand carefully.

/hat is it0H ( hold it on B?.H

( bite it, but i

C.h.o.c.o.l.a.t.e e.c.l.a.i.r.H
ediately crea sAuee)e out, falling on street.

( look at !hite crea

drop on dirty street. drop on dirty street.

,ou look at !hite crea

Bh !ell, never

ind,H you say.

*o !e talk, and talk, and talk, through Cyde 1ark, then to /est End, then (slington, !alk to!ards y place. $early four hours !alking. @y legs is so sore, and y throat so dry, but ( en&oying it. (s first ti e a person !alking beside e through chilly night. (s also first ti e a person being patience listen y nonsense English, and learning e bad language. ,ou uch better than @rs. @argaret. *he never let us talk freely. /hen ( arriving back, is already deep night. (n front of house, you kiss y t!o cheeks, and !atch e go in door.

Good

eeting you,H you say.

Everything happen in very gentle !ay. ( !ant go i ediately y roo think about English an !ho s ile and kiss e like lover, but ( see Chinese landlord sitting on kitchen, !atching -D and !aiting for e. Ce is ya!ning. Ce !orried y late back. At sa e ti e !ife co e do!n fro upstairs bedroo in sleeping robe4

/e !ere so !orried about youI /e never co

$ervous voice re ind ( say ( B?. Don2t !orry. /ife look at ( take off e of y other. @y

e back as late as you doIH other al!ays talk to e like that.

e seriously4 G(t is dangerous at night and also you are a young girl.H

y guilty shoes.

$e9t

ti e if you are late, phone y husband and he can co e and pick you up. -his is England not China. @en easily get drunk in the pubIH /ith last ya!n, husband turn off -D. Ce look cross and tired. ( feel good after ( close y bedroo 2s door. @y heart hold a secret to ake e !ar at night. -he leafs blo! outside. -he street lights shine on y !indo!. ( a thinking ( a only person to be a!ake in the !orld. ( a thinking of China, thinking of old Ger an lady dancing, thinking of your s ile. ( fall to sleep !ith s!eet feelings inside y body.

classNObookbodyO

guest
guest EgestF n. 1. person entertained at another2s house or at another2s e9pense" #. invited perfor er or speaker" 5. custo er at a hotel or restaurant. A ne! day. ,ou call e. At once ( kno! your voice. ,ou ask if ( !ant visit ?e! Gardens.

8ueue Gardens0H @eet

e at 3ich ond tube station,H you say. G3.i.c.h. .on.d.H (s beautiful !eather. /hat a surprise. And so peaceful in the grassy space. *o green. Cherry blosso s is &ust co ing out and you tell e about your favourite sno!drops. /e see there is different s all gardens !ith different the e. Africa garden are pal trees. $orth A erica garden are rocks. *outh A erica garden are cactus. And there is too Asia gardens. ( so happy @anager not forgetting Asia gardens. %ut ( so disappointing after !e !alk in. Lotuses and ba boos is gro!ing in (ndia garden, plu stone bridge is gro!ing in ;apanese garden. /here is y Chinese garden0 trees and

Doesn2t look like they2ve %ut

ade a Chinese garden,H you say to

e.

that very unfair,H ( say in angry voice. G%a boos belongs to China. 1anda eats ba boos leafs in China, you ust hear, no0H ,ou laugh. ,ou say you agree. -hey should Chinese garden. ove so e plants fro (ndia and ;apan garden to ake

-he eado! asking us to lie. /e rest beside each other. ( never do that !ith a an. ;uice fro grass !etting y !hite shirt. @y heart elting. *ky is blue and airplane flying above us, lo! and clear. ( see oving shado!s of the plane on the eado!.

( !ant see !here you live,H ( say.

,ou look in y eyes. G%e y guest.H

isunderstanding
isunderstand v. fail to understand properly. isunderstanding n. infor al a disagree ent, argu ent, or fight.

-hat2s ho! all start. :ro a isunderstanding. /hen you say GguestH ( think you your house. A !eek later, ( ove out fro Chinese landlord. ( not really have anything, only big !heel. issing suitcase. -he husband helping opening door. ,our !hite van !aiting outside, you !ith hands on !heel. ( !ant ask so ething to y landlord that ( al!ays !anting ask, so ( put

eaning ( can stay in e suitcase. -he !ife

Cusband puts !heel. issing suitcase on your van, you s ile to landlord and turn engine key. y head out of !indo!4

/hy you not plant plants in your garden0H

/ife is hesitate4 G/hy0 (t is not easy to gro! plants in this country. $o sun.H :or last ti e ( look the concrete garden. (s sa e no story, sa e !ay as before. Like little piece of Gobi desert. /hat a lifeI Br aybe all the i igrants here living like that0 /hite van starting up, ( respond to !ife4

$ot true. Every!here green in this country. Co! you say not easy gro!ing plant here0H
/e leave house behind. -he couple is !aving hands to ( say4 GChinese strange so eti es.H ,ou s ile4 G( don2t understand you Chinese at all. %ut ( !ould like to get to kno! you.H /e driving in high street. @y suitcase lie do!n obediently at back. (s so easy ove house like this in /est0 ( happy ( leave y grey and no fun -ottenha Cale, heading to a better area, ( think. %ut streets beco ing ore and ore rough. Lots of black kids shouting outside. %eggars sitting on corner !ith dogs, s oking, and ur uring. e.

/here your house0H ( ask. Cackney.H Co! is Cackney0H Cackney is Cackney,H you say.

classNObookbodyO

bachelor
bachelor n. 1. an un arried an" #. a person !ho holds the lo!est university or college degree. ,our house is old house standing lonely bet!een ugly ne! buildings for poor people. :ront, it le on yello! painted. %oth side of house is bricks covered by osses and &as ine leafs. -hrough leafs ( see house very da p and da aged. @ust have lots of stories happened inside this house.

And you are really bachelor. ,our bed is single bed. @ade by several piece of big !ood, !ith !ooden bo9es underneath. Bld bedding sheets cover it. @ust be very hard for sleep, like Chinese peasants kang bed. (n kitchen, teacups is every!here. Every cup different !ith other, big or s all, half ne! or brokenP*o everything single, no co pany, no partner, no pair. :irst day ( arrive, our conversation like this4 ( say4 G( eat. Do you eat0H ,ou correct e in proper !ay4 G( !ant to eat. /ould you like to eat so ething !ith e0H ,ou ask4 G/ould you like so e coffee0H ( say4 G( don2t !ant coffee. ( !ant tea.H ,ou change it4 GA cup of tea !ould be delightful.H -hen you laughing at please.H y confusing face, and you change your saying4 G( !ould love a cup of tea,

( ask4 GCo! you use !ord Klove2 on tea0H :irst ti e you ake food for e it is so e ra! leafs !ith t!o boiled eggs. Eggy *alad. (s that all0 (s that !hat English people offer in their ho es0 (n China, cold food for guest is bad, only beggars no co plain cold food. @aybe you don2t kno! ho! cook, because you are a bachelor. ( sit do!n on your kitchen table, eat silently. La pshade is on top of y head, tap is dripping in sink. *o Auiet. *carily. ( never ate such a Auiet food in China. Al!ays !ith any of fa ily e bers, everybody shouting and screa ing !hile eating. Cere only the noise is fro e using the forks and knife. ( drop the knife t!o ti es so ( decide only use one fork in y right hand. Che!ing. Che!ing. $o conversation. ,ou look at e eating, patiently. :inally you ask4 G*o, do you like the food0H ( nod, put another leaf into y outh. ( re e ber e is bad speak !ith food full of y outh. ,ou !ait. %ut patience aybe running out, so you ans!er your Auestion in y voice4 G,es, ( like the food very uch. (t is delicious. (t is ya i.H -he e ory beco es so uncertain. -he e ory keeps a portrait about you. An abstract portrait like pictures ( sa! in -ate @odern, blur details and sketchy lines. ( start to dra! this picture, but y e ory about you keeps changing, and ( have to change the picture.

green fingers
green fingers pl. n. %rit. infor al skill in gardening. Bur first night. :irst ti e !e ake love. :irst ti e in y life doing this. ( think you are beautiful. ,ou are beautiful s iles, and beautiful face, and beautiful language. ,ou speak slo!ly. ( al ost hear every single !ord because you speak so slo!ly, only so eti e ( not understanding !hat you ean. %ut ( understanding you ore than anybody else ( eet in England. -hen you are taking off clothes. ( look at you. @an2s body see s ugly. Cair, bones, uscles, skins, ore hair. ( s ell at you. *trong s ell. * ell ani al. * ell is fro your hair, your chest, your neck, your ar pit, your skin, your every single little bit in body. *trong s ell and strong soul. ( even can feel it and touch it. And ( think your body (s the ho e of your soul. aybe beautiful also.

( ask ho! old are you, is first Auestion Chinese people ask to stranger. ,ou say forty.four. Blder than e t!enty years. :orty.four in y Chinese think is old, is really old. Leaves far behind a!ay fro youth. ( say age sound old, but you look young. ,ou say thanks, and you don2t say ore. ( say ( think you beautiful, ignoring the age. ( think you too beautiful for e, and ( don2t deserve of you. Dery early orning. ,ou are sleeping, !ith gentle breathe. ( look through bedroo 2s !indo!. *ky turning di into bright. ( see s all dried up old grapes hang under vines by !indo!. -heir shapes are beco e clear and clear in cold spring orning light. Garden is essy and lush. ,our clothes and socks hanging in !ashing line. ,our gardening achines every!here on soil.

,ou are

an, handy and physical. -his is

an2s garden.

,ou ake e feel fragile. Love akes e feel fragile, because ( a not beautiful, ( never being told ( a beautiful. @y other al!ays telling e ( a ugly. G,ou are ugly peasant girl. ,ou have to kno! this.H @other tells this to e for all t!enty.three years. @aybe !hy ( not never having boyfriend like other Chinese girls y age. /hen ( badly co unicating !ith others, y other2s !ords beco es loud in y eardru . ( a ugly peasant girl. ( a ugly peasant girl.

@y body is crying for you,H you say.

@ost beautiful sentence ( heard in @y bad English don2t ( think ( fall in love !ith you, but y life. y love cannot atch your beauty. atch your beautiful language.

And then dayti e. *un puts light through garden to our bed. %irds are singing on roof. ( think ho! sunlight ust ake people uch happier in this dark country and then ( !atch you !ake up. /e see each other naked, !ithout distance. (n light of reality. GGood orning,H you say. G,ou look even ore lovely than yesterday.H And !e ake love again in the orning.

fertilise
fertilise v. 1. to provide Ean ani al or plantF !ith sper EsoilF !ith nutrients. or pollen to bring about fertilisation" #. to supply

,ou take e to garden. (s very s all, aybe ten sAuare etres. Bne by one, you introduce e all the plants you have put there. *i9teen different plants in a ten sAuare etres garden. (n y ho e to!n in China, there only one plant in fields4 rice. ,ou kno! every single plant2s na e, like they your fa ily and you try tell na es so you !rite the do!n4 1otato Daffodil Lavender @int *pinach -hy e Dill Apple tree Green beans /isteria Grape vine %ay tree Geraniu %eetroot *!eet corn :ig tree -hen ( tell you all these plants have very different na es and na es in Chinese, and e9plain every !ord at you. eanings in Chinese. *o ( !rite do!n e but ( not re e ber English

,ou laughing !hen you hear the na es. G( never kne! flutes gre! on trees,H you say. (t see s ( a big co edy to you. ( not understand !hy so funny. G,ou can2t say your 3s. (t2s fruit not flute,H you e9plain e. GA flute is a usical instru ent. %ut your Chinese na e see s &ust right4 a fig tree really is a fruit tree !ithout flo!ers.H

Co! a tree can &ust have fruit !ithout having flo!er first0H ( ask.
Like teacher, you describe ho! insect cli bs into fruit to fertilise seed. /hat GfertiliseH0 ( need looking in Concise Chinese.English Dictionary.

:ertiliseH

ake e think Chair an @ao. Ce likes fertiliser. /as big @ao thing increase productivity, increase plants. @aybe that !hy China, biggest peasants population country, still alive and beco e stronger after using fertiliser on the soil. ( ask4 GCo! long a fig tree has figs after insects fertilising it0 Like !o an have ten ,ou look at e, like look at alien. onths0 ( thought it took nine onths,H you say. onths pregnant0H

/hy ten

Chinese !e say shi yue huai tai

(t

eans giving the birth after ten

onths pregnant.H

-hat2s strange.H ,ou see

like !ant to laugh again. G/hich day do you start to count the pregnancy in China0H you ask seriously. %ut ho! ( kno!0 /e never being taught this properly in school. -oo sha eful to teach and to study for our Chinese. *tanding under your fruit tree !ithout flo!ers, ( pick up piece of leaf, and put on but large. ( touch the surface and feel hairy. y pal . A single leaf,

Cave you read the %ible0H you ask. $o.H Bf course not, not in China.
,ou fetch a big huge black book fro roo . ,ou open the pages. GActually the fig tree is the oldest of ankind2s sy bols.H ,ou point at beginning of book4 And the eyes of the both !ere opened, and they kne! that they !ere naked, and they se!ed fig leaves together, and ade the selves aprons.

/hat is that0H ( a (t is about Ada

,ou laugh again. ,our gardening

curious.

and Eve. -hey used fig leaves to cover their naked bodies.H

-hey clever. -hey kno!ing fig leaves bigger than other leafs,H ( say.
achines every!here in disorder.

*uddenly ( bit shocked, stop. -here are so e nudity in your garden.

/hat this0H ( ask. -hose are

y sculptures,H you say. *culptures0 A naked an no head, facing to ground of the garden. %ody t!isted, !ith enor ous hands and enor ous feet. Close to ground, bet!een the legs, t!o beautiful eggs, like t!o half of apples. (n the iddle of apples, a penis like little !ounded bird. ( !alk to hi and touch. (s ade of plaster. ( a a)ed by this body, is huge, looks suffered. ( re e ber picture fro @ichelangelo2s David on your bookshelf, a very healthy and balanced body. %ut yours, yours far different. %eside this body statue, so e other s alls clay sculptures. Ear, big like basin, in bro!n. *hape of that ear spread like a big flo!er. -hen ore ears, different shape, different si)e. -hey lie on the grass Auietly, listening us. <nder fig tree another penis ade fro clay, gentle, innocent. -hen another one, looks harder, lies do!n beside honeysuckle roots, in soil colour. Little clay sculptures there, like they live !ith plants hundred years. -he noisy London being stopped by brick !all. -he grey city kept a!ay by this garden. 1lants and sculptures on sunshine. Gla orous, like you. @aybe all ans in London green fingers. @aybe this country too cold and too di , so plants and garden can sho!ing i agination the spring, the sun, the !ar th. And plants and garden giving love like !o ans !ar ans life. /hen ( stand in garden !ith si9teen different plants, ( think of Chinese ans. Chinese city. ans not plant.lover at all. *ha eful for Chinese city. ans pour passion onto those leafs. Ce be considered a loser, no position in society. %ut you, you different. /ho are you0

instruction
instruction n. 1. order to do so ething" #. teaching.pl. infor ation on ho! to do or use so ething. /e have so uch se9. /e ake love every day and every night. @orning, noon, afternoon, late afternoon, evening, early night, late night, idnight, even in the drea s. /e ake love in sun, !e ake love in grey afternoon, and !e ake love at raining night. /e ake love on narro! bench of garden, under fig tree, on ha ock covered by the grape leafs, by kitchen sink, on dinner table, on any!here !e feel like to ake love. ( feel scared to!ards your huge energy. ,ou co e into e strong like a stor blo!ing a !ooden house in the forest, and you co e into e deep like a ha er beating the nail on the !all. ,ou ask e if it feels good, and ( say it ake e feel co fortable.

Bnly co ,es,H

fortableI0H

( tell you. G( find your body is very co fortable, like nothing else ( find in this unco fortable country.H Do ( feel sha e about se90 ,es, ( do, in beginning. A lot. (s such taboo in China. ( never really kno! !hat is se9 before. $o! ( naked everyday in the house, and ( can see clearly y desire. 3ecent ( drea fe! ti es that ( a naked in street, in arket, and even on high!ay. ( run through busy street fast as ( can to get ho e. %ut still, everybody in street surprising to see ( a naked. /hat this drea ,ou say this drea about0 about sha e or fear of being e9posed.

Every ti e !e ake love you produce so uch sper on y skin like the spring on the -rafalgar *Auare, you are !orried so eti es that aybe ( get pregnant. /e only !ant have each other and !e don2t !ant let the third person take over our love. ,ou say !e need use the condo . (n our long.shabby.Cackney.3oad, there no any G%ootsH E%oots is a shop represent civilisation to eF, although Cost Cutter sells condo so eti es. %ut shopkeeper in Cost Cutter kno! us &ust like he kno! niece or nephe!. And he is serious @usli , he ight anti condo user. *o !e have go to %rick Lane, !here the %angladeshi shopkeepers are kind and essy, and they can2t re e bering every single custo er face !ho fro Cackney 3oad. 1LEA*E 3EAD -CE*E ($*-3<C-(B$* CA3E:<LL,, as it say on the bo9. ( open bo9, unfold notes, then start read. ( never read condo instruction before. ( think people aybe only read condo instruction !hen the first ti e they try to se9. Any!ay ( ne! to this. -ear along one side of the foil, re oving the condo sharp fingernails or &e!ellery. carefully. Condo s are strong but can be torn by

/hat is &e!ellery0H ( ask. *parkly stuff !o /hat is *-D0H *e9ually -rans

tea. itted Disease,H you reply Auickly, as if is thing you are fa iliar as your every day2s int en love to !ear,H you say, !ithout e otion. Bnly put the condo on !hen the penis is erect and before contact !ith your partner2s body. -his helps prevent *-Ds and pregnancy.

$o! place the condo over the end of the penis !ith the roll on the outside. /ith one hand pinch the teat of the condo to e9pel any trapped air, this !ill ake space for the sper . ( being stopped by these !ord4 one hand pinch the teat of the condo to e9pel any trapped air

( needing several seconds

to i agine that scene. (s like pornography. /e cannot have !ords like this in Chinese. /e too asha ed. /esterner has nothing too asha ed. ,ou can do anything in this country. <sing the other hand, roll the condo do!n the length of the penis to its base. /ithdra! the penis soon after e&aculation !hilst still erect, holding the condo fir ly in place at the base of the penis. /ait until

the penis is co pletely !ithdra!n before re oving the condo . ?eep the penis and condo the vagina to avoid any contact !ith sper P ( can2t continuing reading. ( a ( stop4 G/hat2s that ean0H totally lost these !ords. %ut you laughing.

a!ay fro

Condo s are intended for vaginal intercourse, other uses can increase the potential for breakage.

(t is a hint. (t

eans you shouldn2t put it into the arse.H ,ou ans!er, very precise, but no as you start reading your Guardian /eekend. ( read other bits of instruction on other side as !ell, and they less i portant. :or e9a ple,

ore patience,

Even if you are not planning on having se9ual intercourse, it2s sensible to carry condo s !ith you, &ust in case. *ensible to carry condo s all the ti e0 /esterner can al!ays have se9 !henever they go shopping, or !aiting for bus or train. *e9 in this country is like brush the hair or the teeth. /ords on the instruction are ore e9citing than se9y aga)ines on shelfs of corner shop in our street.

char
char n. 1. attractive Auality" #. trinket !orn on a bracelet" 5. influence by personal char " 5. protect or influence as if by agic. agic spell.v. 1. attract, delight" #.

:ro first day !e being together, until ne9t t!o and three days, our skins being non stop together, not separating even a hour. ,ou talk to e about everything. %ut ( not understand co pletely. ,ou say4

( used to try to love

( think is good try love

en. :or

ost of the last t!enty years ( have been out !ith

en.H

en. /orld better place. %ut go out !here0 ade a lot of sculptures. -hey2d fill the houses.H or

/hen ( !as a sAuatter, (

/hat sAuat0 ( take out dictionary. *ays Gto sit !ith the knees bent and the heels close to the botto thighs.H Dery difficult position, ( i agine. /hat kind houses you sAuatted there0 Don2t lonely sit !ith the knees bent !ithout chair on the floor0

( used to plant potatoes and beans on a far

anything else.H

, and ( looked after an0

y goats. ( loved doing that,

ore than

*o you a peasant0 Co! co e you also such a city

love old things. ( love second.hand things. ( hate ne! things. ( don2t !ant to buy ne! things any ore.H

%ut old things rotten, dying. Co! you feel alively and active !ith daily life if only live !ith old things0 Every sentence you said, ( put into y o!n dictionary. $e9t day ( look at and think every single !ord. ( a entering into your brain. Although y !orld so far a!ay fro your, ( think ( be able understand you. ( think you absolutely char ing. -hing around you fascinating. ( feel a concentrate of love for you, far er, sculptor, lover of en, stranger. $oble an. (n China !e say hundreds of reincarnations bring t!o peoples to sa e boat. @aybe you are that people for e to be sa e boat. ( never et ans like you before. ( think !e perfect4 ,ou Auite ,in, and ( very ,ang. ,ou earthy, and ( etal. ,ou bit da p, and ( a little dry. ,ou cool, and ( hot. ,ou !indy, and ( firey. /e &oin. -here is utualis . And !e can benefit each other. And all these akes us efficient lover.

vegetarian
vegetarian n. a person !ho eats no vegetarian. eat or fish for oral, religious, or health reasons.ad&. suitable for a

Bne proble

bet!een us and that is food. ake you go there even though you say you never go

Chop Chop, local Chinese restaurant in Cackney. ( Chinese restaurants.

3estaurant has very plain looking. /hite plastic table and plastic chairs and !hite fluorescent la p. ;ust like nor al govern ent !ork unit in China. /aiter unhappy !hen cleans table, not looking anybody. /o an !ith pony tails behind counter she even ore ean. A plastic panda.savings.tin sitting on top of counter. $one of the can speak @andarin.

$o. *it there. $o, no, not this table. *it at that table.H
/aiter co ands like !e is his soldiers. ething fro the enuP/e don2t do

/hat you !ant0P/e don2t have tap !ater, you have to order so
pots of green tea, only cups.H

( hate the . ( s!ear ( never been so rude Chinese restaurant in y entirely life. /hy Chinese people beco ing so ean in the /est0 ( feel bit guilty for horrible service. %ecause ( bring you, and you aybe thinking y culture &ust like this. @aybe that !hy so e English look do!n of our Chinese. ( a sha eful for being a Chinese here. %ut !e still have to eat. Especially e, starving like the Ghost of Cunger. ( al!ays hungry. Even after big eal, later by one or t!o hours ( feel hungry again. @y fa ily al!ays very poor until several years ago. /e used eat very s all, barely had eat. After y parents started shoes factory, and left the poor peasants background behind, changed. %ut still ( think foods all the ti e. ,ou not kno! nothing about Chinese food so ( Auickly order4 duck, pork, fried tofu !ith beefs. @eal co es to table, and ( digging fastly y chopsticks into dishes like having a sno!stor . %ut you don2t have any action at all. ,ou &ust look e, like looking a %ei&ing opera.

/hy you not eat0H ( ask, busy che!ing ( a

not very hungry,H you say.

y pork in

outh.

,ou use chopsticks0H ( think

aybe that2s the reason. to e.

,es. Don2t !orry.H ,ou raise your chopsticks and perfor %ut you !aste the food. $ot like Chinese food0H ( a

a vegetarian,H you say picking up little bit rice. G-his

enu is a )oo.H

( a surprised. ( try find y dictionary. Da n, is not !ith e this ti e. ( re e ber fil English 1atient ( !atch on pirate DDD in China to education e about %ritish people. G/hat that !ord0 /ord describe a people fall asleep for long long ti e, like living dying0H

,ou

ean co a0H ,ou are confused.

,es, that is the !ordI ,ou are not like that, do you0H
,ou put chopsticks do!n. @aybe you angry no!.

presu e you are thinking of the persistent vegetative state,H you say. GDegetarian eat eat.H

eans you don2t

Bh, ( a

sorry,H ( say, s!allo!ing big

outhful tofus and beefs. eat. ( thought it is because you poor.

$o! ( understand !hy never buy piece of

/hy don2t eat

eat0 @eat very nutritious.H

 ,ou have no co

ents. eat.H

Also you be depression if you don2t eating ,ou still have no co @y parents beaten
ents.

e if ( don2t eating eat or any food on table in a picky and spoiled. %ecause others dying !ithout any food to eat.H

eal. @y parents curse

e being

*till don2t say anything. Co! co

e an is vegetarian0 <nless he is you, but laughing. onk,H ( say. *till no !ords fro

,ou !atch e eating all of eal. ( try finish the duck, and the tofu and the beefs. @y sto ach painful. -here are still porks left, and ( order to take the a!ay. /hile ( eating, you !rite top ten favorite food on a napkin4 avocado asparagus lentils spinach lettuce pu pkin radish broccoli aubergine carrot %ut, is this list !ill be the enu in our kitchen for rest of life0 (s terribleI /hat about utton, y beefs in black bean sauce0 /ho !ill be in charge of kitchen0 y eatball, y

noble
noble ad&. sho!ing or having high oral Aualities" of the nobility" i pressive and agnificent.

*unday. ( !ant do shopping. ( say !e need buy so e toilet paper, so e candle, so e garlic, so e ginger, so e greens. E( not say eat, but actually that !hat ( !ant buy after eating vegetables !ith you every day.F

!ant go to *ainsbury.H After saying that, ( realising ( need practise again4 G*hall !e go to *ainsbury0H ,ou not look happy.

y English

anner, so ( ask you

, right. Let2s !orship in *ainsbury2s every *unday.H

/hat !orship0H /orship0 (t2s ho! the Chinese feel about @ao.H
( don2t kno! !hat say. Don2t you kno! no! !e !orship A erica0

don2t like *ainsbury2s,H you say. G( like the rubbish there.H

arket. -hey have

uch

ore interesting things

/hich rubbish

arket0H

,ou take e to the %rick Lane arket. (s really a rubbish arket. All kind of second.hand or third.hand radios, old CDs, used furniture, broken television set E!ho !ant buy a broken -D set0F, old bicycles, tyres, nails, drilling achines, dusty shoes, pirate DDDs, cheap biscakesP( !onder if all these things ade in China. ,ou !alk in the rubbish arket !ith your old bro!n leather &acket and your dirty old leather shoes. -he &acket is so old that the sleeves are !ore out and the botto is pieces. %ut you look great !ith these rubbish costu es in the rubbish arket. ( think you are a noble an !ith noble !ords. ( a not noble. ( a fro poor to!n in south China. /e never see noble. hu ble. And ( speak hu ble English. (

surprise
surprise n. 1. an une9pected event" #. a a)e ent and !onder.v. 1. to cause to feel a a)e ent or !onder" #. to co e upon, attack, or catch suddenly and une9pectedly.

*uddenly another thing else ne! and une9pected4

( need to leave London for a fe! days.H ,ou pack clothes. :or !hat0 :or !here0H (t is too out in blue for -o see
y friend ;ack, in Devon.H .H e.

/ho is ;ack0 ( never heard you talk about hi /ell, ( have lots of friends.H ( co

e !ith you.H ( starting open !ardrobe to take so e clothes out.

$o. ,ou don2t have to.H ( !ant to.H $o, (2 /hy0H ( &ust don2t think it2s the right ti /hy not0H /ell, ( have
y o!n lifePH ean4 G%ut !e go together. /e loversIH ( don2t understand you e for you to co e.H going on y o!n.H

( upset. ,our decision destroying i age of perfectness.

Co Co!

e ne9t ti e,H you say.

( stop. Don2t kno! !hat do. any days a!ay0 ( !ill feel lonely.H

;ust three or four.H

( can2t say anything. %ut !hat ( a do !ithout you here in house0 ( even don2t kno!ing !here electricity bo9, and ho! ans!er telephone in proper !ay.

,ou kno!, you2ve got to go out and

e. /hat about those girls fro

ake so e friends,H you say, Gso you2re not al!ays dependent on your language school0H

Don2t need another friends. ( don2t !ant. ( only !ant be !ith you.H
,ou pack so e your stuffs. ,ou !alk to the back roo . :ive seconds, you pushing blue bicycle out.

-his is for you. ( bought it in %rick Lane. Look, you can !ear a skirt.there2s no bar in bet!een.H -ry it,H you say.

( don2t care the bicycle. ( !alk and hug you tightly. ( put

y head into your old leather &acket.

:inally, you leave. /hite van stays outside. ,ou take bus and then you !ill take train. England is s all country co pare China, but still, ( feel you leaving e so e!here far a!ay, so e!here unkno!n, so e!here ( don2t involve at all. ( thought !e together, !e !ill spend ti e together and our lifes !ill never separated. ( thought ( don2t needing go these double.bill screenings to kill raining nights. ( thought ( !ill not scared to live in this country alone, because no! ( having you, and you y fa ily, y ho e. %ut ( !rong. ,ou doesn2t pro ise anything solid. *o no! ( go out into the !orld on all ti es. y aloneP!ith that blue bicycle. And re ind e to ride on left side at

pub
pub n. a building !ith a bar licensed to sell alcoholic drinks. 1ark y bicycle outside fro Dirty Dick2s, nearby Liverpool *treet *tation. Dirty Dick0 -hat nor al na e for English pub0 Any!ay, it is first ti e ( ca e into building !ith a bar licensed to sell alcoholic drinks. ( hope you !ill take e into pub, but you !ent a!ay so e!here unkno!n instead. ( sit in pub alone, trying feel involving in the conversation. (t see place of iddle.aged. ans culture. ( s ell a kind of dying, although it still struggling. /hile ( sitting here, any singles, desperately ans co ing up saying, GCello darling.H %ut ( not your darling. /here your darling0 > o2clock in the evening, your darling ust be cooking baked bean in orange sauce for you at ho eP/hy not &ust go ho e spending ti e !ith your darling0 %ut ans here &ust keep buying pint of beer one after another. *o e is drinking huge pint Lager, is like pee. Bthers buying glass of very dark liAuid, looks like Chinese edicine. -hey !atching football and shout together, !ithout having food. (n corner so e tables !ith foods. @ake e feel very hungry. *ee the food is biggest reason ( a deciding go to pub. %ut everyone pretending food not there. Like is invisible or &ust for the good sho!. ( take out y Concise Chinese.English Dictionary, start to study. ( trying not thinking of the food too uch. (n front of y table, five big ans all s oking cigarettes" this is the fog of London. After so e ti es, ans co e to y lonely table and ask so ething. -he !ay ( a A young -he talking in English ake everybody laugh. -hey ust like e. an buy e beer. Ce is the only good looking one.

( say4 G( feel so delightful drinking !ith you. ,our face and !ords are very noble.H an surprised and happy. Ce stops his drinking.

$oble, eh0H ,es,H ( say, Gbecause !hen you start talk then you look very proud. ( like the confidence. ( don2t have.H
-he an holding his big pint listens careful but not sure about !hat ( ean. A !hile, he says4 GLove, you only think y !ords are noble because ( can speak English properlyH. oh properly, that !ord againI.Gbut it is y other tongue, you kno!. (t2s not that hard. %ut any!ay, thank you for the co pli ent.H

,ou deserving it,H ( ans!er seriously.

%ut the an calls e GLoveHI Love is cheap ob&ect in London. e to English food syste in pub calling %uffet, is @y eyes looking to!ards delicious feast on side table. Everything ready !aiting but no action. ( think the an gets hint fro e, so he introduces eaning sa e !ord for Gself service.H

/hy t!o !ords for sa

All old ans laughing.

e food syste 0H ( ask hi .

Ce laughs4 G%ecause one is the English !ord and one is the :rench !ord. -he :rench !ord is ore noble.H %uffet. $o! ( re e ber this noble !ord.

-here are so e !hite sticky stuffs on the plate. (t looks like -ofu, but s ells bad.

/hat is this0H ( ask bar

an. e0H aybe. ( feel very surprise. (

-hat is goat2s cheese, darling. /ould you like to try so

(n China !e not have cheese. /e not like drinking thought goat is too skinny ake cheese.

ilk, until last ten years

$o. -hanks. /hat that0 -hat %lue stuff0H (t2s another cheese. *tilton.H Another stinking cheese !ith different na (s this
ade by co!0H ( ask. an laughs loudly. GCand ade by Co unist co!s.H es0H *o any different cheesesI Like our -ofu syste I

-hat2s right, love,H the bar /hat0H ( a *orry

confused.

to tease you, s!eetheart. /hat you2re trying to ask is K(s it bloody night are, isn2t it0H %ack ho e ( !rite list y ne! learnings for @rs. @argaret4 ade by,

ade fro ade fro .

co!2s

ilk02 English is a

drifter
drifter n. 1. a person !ho !ith drift nets. oves ai lessly fro place to place or &ob to &ob" #. a fishing boat eAuipped

-hird day you are a!ay. :eels like you are gone for a onth. %efore, ( never be alone living in this house. $o!, ( realise this your house. Everything yours, and everything in this place ade by you. Dery little to do !ith e. %ut this place co pletely take over y life. ( a a little alone teacup belonging to your cupboard. ( !andering in your house, silently, lonely, like cat !ithout Bn your dusty books shelf, ( take out photo albu . -here is picture of you, ar s around big tree, like lover. ,ou naked in the picture. Dery young and !ith a bro!n skin. ,ou s iling at the person !ith ca era. @ust be your lover. Another picture, you on boat. (s old black and !hite photo, so sea looks totally bro!n. ,ou only !ear shorts, and your uscles are strong. ,ou s ile to ca era, holding the boat2s paddle. /ho !ith you on that boat0 /hich sea it is0 Another old picture, you are !ith a an, a young an. ,ou both are naked, standing on rock by the sea. -he !aves co ing up on your legs. @an beside you is handso e. /ho is person taking this photo0 @an or !o an0 ,ou ust be three very inti ate, very close friend, if you both naked in front the ca era. 1utting back photo albu , ( a &ealous, and ( feel the pain fro y &ealousy. ( open one of your old bo9es on top the books shelf. *o e letters inside. ( think they are love letters. Letters you !rote and being returned fro so ebody in a one big package. ,ou said in one letter4 Bf course ( a co itted to you, and ( al!ays !ill be. %ut ( can never see yself in a couple. ,es, you are y lover, but you are also y friend, and !e !ill al!ays feel special together. :riendship al!ays endures longer than ro ance. 3o ance not to be found in y Concise Chinese.English Dictionary. *o e your old diaries in bo9 too, fro 1=>+s and 1=J+s. A long ti e ago. /hen ( !as really little. -his is the an really older than e t!enty years. -!enty years of e9tra life. ,ou fro such a different !orld. *o ething is very i portant about this !ord drifter. ( eet it in your letters, or the letters so ebody !rote to you, or in diary !ith broken pages" ( eet it every!here in your long.ago past, but ( never understand !hat it ean. ( have to learning this !ord first, then to learning so ething about you. aster.

Bpen your old 3oget2s -hesaurus on your shelf E-hesaurusI @ore strange !ordI (n Chinese, !e not having a second !ord to replace GdictionaryHIF Bn the cover4 first published 1J'#. 1J'#I -hat an old dictionary. (n China there is very old Character Dictionary fro 1>++s ?ang Xi era but ( only kno! not half of the characters. -hesaurus only ake e ore confusing. Drifter like fishing boat0 Drifter goes fishing on a fishing boat0 Br situation of a fishing boat s!ing in the sea is like situation of drifter0 ( think of that picture you are on the boat !earing the shorts, holding the paddle, s iling the ca era. %ehind you is bro!n colour sea. ,ou a drifter, ( believe. (n your diary, you describing your father a drifter. Ce is bus driver, and he doesn2t like stay at ho e. Don2t kno! !hy. Bne day he leave you and other and sisters and never ca e back. ,ou say you learned your father travels any!here hot and any!here can have se9. ( can2t believe !hat ( read. ,our other decide buy piece of far in Corn!all. :ar has a na e called Lo!er End :ar . *he live !ith sheep and goats and co!s. /ithout any ans around. ,ou gro! up, feeling cold fro your fa ily. ,ou feel !o ans so dull and !o ans not interesting. ,ou !anting so ething e9citing and so ething desirable. *o you decide leave find a place far a!ay fro that cold far , a place cannot reach your other and your tough sisters. ,ou love the sea and you !ant see the !orld. /hen nineteen you go to long voyage !ith an fro your ho eto!n. :ro your diary, ( think he called ;ohn. %oat belonging to ;ohn2s. ,ou young and you !rite diary because you think that is your historic ti e in life. -he first page of your sailing diary4 :ebruary Lth, 1=>J /e are all looking for!ard to sailing but at the o ent !e2re blinded by the !ork and preparation needed before !e can set out. ( think it2s going to be a really e9citing trip during !hich uch !ill be learnt by everyone. At the end of that day, underneath the page, you !rote a line in capital4

3B@A$-(C (3ELA$D 2* DEAD A$D GB$EH./. %. ,EA-*

Another page, !ords is soaked by !ater. Difficult read4 *unday 11th :ebruary /e have eventually left a idst cheers fro our friends on the AuaysideP /e !ere all pleased to get a!ay fro !hat !as beginning to beco e a stale at osphere !here no one could do anything !ithout consulting so eone else. At first ( felt pure e9cite ent, but later !hen the open sea !as belo! us, ( started feeling sick. Bur !atch began -he !riting start beco ing very essy and un.readable. ( open last page on diary and find out you spend nine onths on boat all together. :ro :ebruary 1=>J to 6 $ove ber 1=>J. Co! a person can do for so long !ithout his feet stand on soil0 ( i agine you ust be suffered fro stor s. *o eti es you ust be burning by sun. /ere you ill on boat in all nine onths0 Did you !ish you be any!here but not on boat0 ,ou saying in your &ourney so eti es you feel life e9citing because you are on enor ous sea, sailing and sailing for ever, but so eti e you really bored in every single inute because you are al!ays on boundless sea, sailing and sailing for ever. ( try i agine to !atch sea every single inute but can2t. ( never even been close sea. Bnly !atched fro plane. >th ;une, 1=>J %reakfast4 tuna. *upper4 tuna, ( try to eat as to ato !ent issing yesterdayF uch green veg as ( can, but the fridge is !ell guarded Ea

1ana a , Costa 3ica, $icaragua, El *alvador, Guate ala. -hese are the central A erican countries !hich !e have passed, although so e !e have not seen because the boat has been too far out to sea. $e9t page, you arrive *an Diego and *an :rancisco. ,ou not really !rite about love. /as love not in your nineteen.year.old life0 (s really only blue sea in your bro!n eyes at that ti e0 /hat about your drea s0 After that long voyage, you longing for so ething you can do !ith your hands. -!enty years old, you go art school. ,ou studying sculptures there by aking your hands dirty. A photo bet!een the pages. ( guess !as that the sculpture you ade. Enor ous naked an, lying do!n and taking over !hole floor of big studio. A giant, but naked giant. -hat the ain sub&ect of your sculptures. -hen you !riting you have se9 !ith several boys in that art school. :irst ( think ( reading !rong and you are boys na es. ean girls not boys, but then ( look again. @att, Dan, 1eter. -hese

( don2t feel any real love in

y heart,H you !rite.

/hen you ove London, you go sAuat in old houses and eet ans in street every night. ,ou talk to the strangers in the park and you go to ho e together. ,ou say you feel !ar by touching other2s body, by having se9 !ith ans. ,ou think you a ho ose9ual, you call it Gay. %ut you even can2t re e ber faces and na es the second day. -hen there is another diary. (s so e years later. ,ou feel e pty that kind of hunting.boy.life, so you beco e ca paigner, a de on.strator. ,ou for ca paign against the capitalis , against the @cDonald developing, and you go (ndia stopping ining co panies doing develop enting there. ,ou go !ith young de on.strater group to every!here, Delhi, Calcutta, @e9ico, Los AngelesPAl!ays drifting around. %ut ( thinking aybe you not kno! !hat !ant to do in your life. Br !hy you travel so uch0 (n those sAuatter2s days, the sculpture you ade are all destroyed. $othing left. ,ou don2t have a !o an lover being !ith you Eor aybe you never !ant to0F, and you don2t have a an lover being !ith you either. Bnly thing you had, you !rote, is Gse9 and seduction.H ,ou !rote about days you !ork as youth !orker. ( didn2t understand !hat this &ob about. ,ou !rote about holiday trips !ith children. -here photos bet!een pages4 you !ith teenagers laughing in front of ca era. ,ou love those teenage boys. ,ou !ork that for ten years. %ut ho! co e you stop a &ob !hich you really like0 ( don2t understand. @aybe because your gay life0 @aybe kind of scandal as ho ose9ual teacher. ( never kno!PAny!ay you left your &ob, and !hat happening ne9t0 @y eyes beco ing sore. ( a tired of reading, all these !ords, y brain is &ust too full by your past. Every!here is you, and you are every!here, every sentence, every page. ( put back all these old diaries, old letters. @y hand covered by dust. ( !ash y hand, under cold tap !ater. ( thinking probably you never read these things for long ti e. @aybe ( a first person opening these bo9es in last t!enty years. $ight is long. 8uiet outside. Cars passing so eti es. ( sit on your chair. ( feel bit heavy. ( feel bit difficult to breathe. ( sleep on your bed alone, !hich !e slept every night together since ( ove in. Actually is single bed supposed be for one person. ( realise this again. ( a a!ake. ( trying dra! ap of you, ap of your past. %ut is difficult. ( see the orning lights outside through the garden, through fruit tree !ithout flo!ers. (s fourth day you a!ay and is the day you !ill be return. ,ou said you be here in the orning, about half past ten. $ine o2clock no!. ( get up, and ( brush y teeth, and ( ake so e tea. ( put y cold hand on teapot to get !ar . ( !ait for you to return. %ut no! ( scared about you to return. ,ou !ill drift !ith your Chinese !o an, in boat on the ocean. $o seashore in distance. *he floating a!ay and passing in your life like piece of !ood on the sea. Bne hour going by, and !aiting is painful. ( try study singular and plural fro @argaret give to us. child.children ouse. ice tooth.teeth goose.geese !olf.!olves o9.o9en fairy.fairies thief.thieves foot.feet larva.larvae ( don2t like plural, because they not stable. ( don2t like nouns too, as they change all the ti e like verbs. ( like only ad&ectives, and adverbs. -hey don2t change. (f ( can, ( !ill only speak ad&ectives and adverbs. A Auarter past eleven, you co e back !ith a cold !ind through door. ,ou put do!n dusty bag on floor then you kiss e, you hug e. ,ou are pleased to see e. ( ask ho! is your friend, you say everything is fine. ,ou s ile and you are e9cited and you !ant ake love. Like nothing happened. ,ou say you iss e. %ut ho! ( can iss so eone easy co ing easy going0 te9tbook !hich @rs.

Did you have a nice ti $o.H

e0H you ask.

/hy not0 Did you go out to see people and $o. ( don2t !ant
ake friends.H

ake friends0H

*o !hat did you do0H

/hat to say0 ( feel the sea inside e too big, too never.ending to speak.

bise9ual
bise9ual ad&. se9ually attracted to both en and !o en. ( a a !o an and you are a bise9ual. %oth love beautiful ans so uch. %ut beautiful young ans is al!ays living in our i agination. Ce is daily life2s fantasy. -he reality about hi so fragile that is easy to be broken, like delicate Chinese vase. ,ou have so any books to do !ith naked ans. Bn your shelf4 -he $ude @ale, Gay /ritings fro (ndia, -he 1enguin %ook of (nternational Gay /riting, :ully E9posed4 -he @ale $ude in 1hotographyPCo! ( kno! you not going to go !ith the beautiful gay an again and ruin y life0 Co! ( trust you stay !ith e0 @aybe ( ruin rest of y life to be !ith you. (s there lots of free love in gay2s !orld because they not produce children0 $o children then no serious !eight. -hey not need considering responsibilities of ne9t generation, and they not need !orry about the pregnancyQabortion. %ut ho! that !ork if far.east foreign !o an fall in love !ith /est gay an0 /hen !e see beautiful ans in street, or !hen !e talk to beautiful ans in pub, !e have very different vie!. ,ou al!ays !ondering ho! he !ill look like !hen naked, &ust like you look at good painting carefully !ith agnifying glass. %ut y first Auestion to that an ore practical4 !ill he possible beco e y husband0 (f so, !ill he having stable inco es and be able buy house for his fa ily0

cabbage slug
cabbage n. a vegetable !ith a large head of green leaves. slug n. 1. a land snail !ith no shell" #. a bullet" 5. a chinese cabbage R english slug outhful of an alcoholic drink.

Cardly days is absolutely sunny, sunny until sun falling to the !est. *ky in England al!ays look suspicious, untrustful, like today2s. ,ou see e sad but don2t understand !hy. *tanding in the garden, you ask e4 GDo you !ant to have your o!n little plants in this garden0 ( think it should be a !o an2s garden as !ell.H

,es.
(i

( !ant. ( !ant plant Chinese cabbages, so e !ater lily, so e plu ba boos, and aybe so e Chinese chives as !ellPH ediately i age picture of tradition Chinese garden. all for so any Chinese plants.H

tree, and

aybe so e

$o, honey, it2s too s

-hen, *unday, !e !ent to Colu bia 3oad :lo!er @arket. (t y favourite little sprouts of Chinese cabbage at ho e. Eight little sprouts all together.

arket. /e brought the s all

/e plant all these little things. Digging the soil, and putting every single sprout into the hole. ,ou are fast than e. *o you finished planting five, and ( only putting third one in the little hole. /e !atering Chinese cabbage sprouts every orning, loyal and faithful, like every orning !e never forgetting brushing our teeth. *eeing tiny sprouts co e out, y heart feel happy. (s our love. /e plant it. ,ou say4

Gro!ing
agree0H

a vegetable and seeing it gro! is

ore interesting than anything else. (t2s

agic. Don2t you

,es. (s interesting. %ut in China, is &ust for peasant. Every person can do this, nothing special for gro!ing food. /hy so different here0 -hen !e see so e little leafs co e out but are bitten by the slug.

(t2s dangerous that the slugs keep eating the s

all sprouts. -hey can die really easily,H you tell

e.

Carrying !ith flashlight, every night, around 11 o2clock, you sneek into garden and check the slug. -hey are al!ays several slug hidden behind the young leafs. En&oying the delicious eal under the oonlight. ,ou taking the out fro the leafs, one by one. ,ou putting these slug together in one glass bottle. *oon glass bottle beco es a slug.)oo.

/hat

your favourite !ords0 Give e ten,H ( say !hen !e are sitting in garden. ( !ant learn beautiful English !ords because you are beautiful. ( even not care !hether if useful. A piece of blank paper, a pen. ,ou !riting it do!n, one by one.

ost

*ea, breath, sun, body, seeds, bu *even,H ( say. C

PbloodPH you continue.

ble bee, insects.H ,ou stop4 GCo!

any are there no!0H

/hy you like blood0H ( don2t kno!. ( feel blood is beautiful.H 3eally0 %ut blood violence, and pain.H $o. $ot al!ays. %lood gives you life. (t
,ou see things fro akes you strong.H ,ou speaking !ith surely voice. e. ( !onder if !e change perspective one day. such different perspective fro

And !hy breath, then0H %ecause that2s !here everything is fro

,ou are right. and ho! everything starts.H

*o, !hat else0 Last favourite !ord0H ( say. *uddenly.H *uddenlyI /hy you like suddenly0 *uddenly not even noun.H ,ou a strange brain, ( think. /ell, ( &ust like it,H you say. G*o !hat are your favorite ten !ords0H
( !rite do!n one by one4

:ear, belief, heart, root, challenge, fight, peace, /hy solitude0H %ecause a song fro

isery, future, solitudePH

Louis Ar strong calling K*olitude.2 (t is so beautiful.H ( hear song in

y ear no!.

/here did you hear that song0H you ask. Bn your shelfs. A CD, fro
Louis Ar strong.H

3eally0 ( didn2t even kno! ( had that CD.H ,ou fro!n. ,es, is covering the dust, and look very old.H *o, you2ve been through all /hat0H And looked your photo.H /hat0
,ou2ve looked through all the Earth. y stuff0H ,ou see ing like suddenly hear the alien fro e sad. ( can2t sleep at night,H ( say. @ars attack y CDs0H

Bf course,H ( say. G( read your letters and diaries as !ell.H

$ot all. 1arts that diary are

ake

privacy
privacy n. 1. the state of being alone or undisturbed" #. freedo fro interference or public attention.

,ou2ve invaded

y privacyI ,ou can2t do thatIH :irst ti e, you shout to

e, like a lion.

/hat privacy0 %ut !e living togetherI $o privacy if !e are loversIH Bf course there isI Everybody has privacyIH
%ut !hy people need privacy0 /hy privacy is i portant0 (n China, every fa ily live together, grandparents, parents, daughter, son, and their relatives too. Eat together and share everything, talk about everything. 1rivacy ake people lonely. 1rivacy ake fa ily fallen apart. /hen ( arguing about privacy, you &ust listen and not say anything. ( kno! you disagree e, and you not !ant live inside of y life, because you a GprivateH person. A private person doesn2t share life.

/hen ( read your past, !hen ( read those letters you !rote, ( think you are drifter.H /hat do you -o
ean by that0H e and leave, you not care about future.H

,ou kno! !hat is drifter, do you0 ,ou co

e, to live life is to live in the present.H

B?, live in present, and !hich direction you leading then0H /hat are you talking about0H (
ean, you don2t have plan for to orro!, for ne9t year0H

/ell,

!e are talking about different things. ( don2t think you understand !hat ( a saying. -o e the future is about oving on, to so e ne! place. ( don2t kno! !here ( a going. (t2s like ( a riding a horse through the desert, and the horse &ust carries e so e!here, aybe !ith an oasis, but ( don2t kno!.H *uddenly the air being fro)en. :eeling cold. ( not kno! !hat to say any ore. ,ou older than years. ,ou ust understand life better than e0 ,ou look at ( feel as if ( a e and you say4 G(t2s like the !ay you ca e into not naked any ore. -hat a beautiful sentence. e all the y life. ( feel as if ( a e t!enty

not naked any ore.H

( listen, ( !ait. ( feel it so ething you not finish in your sentence, but you not !ant say it. *o ( help you4 GB?, ( co e into your life, but you not kno! if you !anting carry on this !ith ti es. ,ou !ill !ant to break it and see !hat can ake you ove onPH

/e !ill see.H ,ou stop (t2s i

e, and take

e into your ar s.

portant to be able to live !ith uncertainty.H

inti ate
inti ate ad&. 1. having a close personal relationship" #. personal or private" 5. Eof kno!ledgeF e9tensive and detailed" 6. Efoll. by !ithF euphe istic having a se9ual relationship E!ithF" '. having a friendly Auiet at osphere.n. close friend.

Co! can inti ate live !ith privacy0 /e have lived together after first !eek !e et. ,ou said you never lived so closely !ith another person before. ,ou al!ays avoided inti ate !ith the other person. ,ou said to have your friends ore i portant than your lovers. -hat2s so different !ith y Chinese love.fa ily eans everything. @aybe people here have proble s being inti ate !ith each other. 1eople keep distance because they !ant independence, so lovers don2t live !ith together, instead they only see each other at !eekend or sleep together t!ice a !eek. A fa ily doesn2t live !ith together therefore the inti ate inside of a fa ily

disappeared. @aybe that !hy /esterners uch ore separated, lonely, and have Couse. @aybe also !hy ne!spapers al!ays report cases of peterfiles and perverts. /e are in your old !hite van. ,ou !ant to sho!

ore Bld 1eople2s %each.

e so e!here special called the %urnha e. ,ou are laughing.

(s it the %ritish ocean0H ( ask, e9cited to visit sea for first ti %.e.e.c.h,

not b.e.a.c.h. (n English, a beech is a type of tree, not an ocean. (2ll take you to the sea another ti e.H Co! ( ever understand your co plicated language.not even any change in accent like !e have in Chinese. /e have four intonations, so every tone eans different !ord. Like4 i in first tone i in third tone Ui in fourth tone eans to close eyes. eans to fancy so ething. eans honey. eans rice. Ti in second tone

Any!ay, on the high!ay of @6+, ( have y dictionaries to check out !hat e9actly that beachQbeech is. Collins tells e that is a European tree, but !hen ( look y little Concise dictionary, says it is a tree called G*han @ao ;u,H !hich gro!s every!here in China. /e cut those trees for lighting fires in kitchen. /e used to carry baskets and collect their nutty seeds !hen !e !ere little. -he !oods are dark, lush, and !et. -rees are huge, tall, and solid. -he !hole !oods are gro!ing silently and secretly. -he !hole !oods are decay. Bn !ay to !oods it !as a beautiful day, but inside !oods the cli ate is totally different. (s chilly and rainy. 3ain drops fro those hundred.year.old greyish branches and leafs, and the rain fills the ponds stuffed by !eeds. (n the uddy and greeny pond, lotus gently floats, and the dragonfly dashes. ,ou hold e and caress e. /e are in each other2s ar . ,ou lift y deni skirt, and you touch y garden. @y garden is !ar and oist. ,ou stroke y hip, and ( un)ip your &ean. /e ake love. /e ake love. /e ake love under the silent beech tree. *o Auiet, so Auiet. /e can hear children on the football field in the distance are yelling. Bnly the rain drops, fall on our hair, our skin. 3ain drops on the co!slip flo!er by our feet, !ithout disturbing us.

free !orld
free !orld esp. <* hist. non.Co unist countries. ,ou say4

feel incredibly lucky to be !ith you. /e2re going to have loads of e9citing adventures together. Bur first big adventure !ill be in !est /ales. (2ll sho! you the sea. (2ll teach you to s!i because it is sha eful that a peasant girl cannot s!i . (2ll sho! you the dolphins in the sea, and the seals !ith their babies. ( !ant you to e9perience the beauty of the peace and Auiet in a /elsh cottage. ( think you !ill love it there.H ,ou also say4

-hen

( !ant to take you to *pain and :rance. ( kno! that you2ll love the . ( !ish !e could live over there for a !hile.H Later you say4

( feel so good about the love that you and ( have !ith each other because it happened so Auickly
spontaneously, like a forest fire.H And you say4

and

( &ust love the !ay you are.H

Everything good so far, but fro one thing.you don2t understand y visa li ited situation. ( a native Chinese fro ainland of China. ( a not of free !orld. And ( only have student visa for a year here. ( not able &ust leave London English language school and go live so e!here only have trees and sea, although is beautiful. And ( can2t travel to *pain and :rance &ust to fun.( need sho! these e bassy officer y bank account to apply y Europe visa. And y bank state ents is never Aualify for the . ,ou a free an of free !orld. ( a not free, like you.

custo
custo n. 1. a long.established activity or action" #. usual habit" 5. regular use of a shop or business.

-he cafTe is na e greasy spoon, *even *eas. All !indo!s is foggy fro the stea . ,ou order tea as soon as you !alk into. $oisy. %abies. @others. Couples. Lonely old an. ,ou are opening the ne!spaper and start drink thick English %reakfast ilky tea. And e being Auiet. ( !ant talk to you. %ut you are reading paper. ( have to respect your hobby.

*o !here are you fro Cyprus.H Ce s ,es.H

iles.

0H ( ask handso e !aiter in !hite suit.

Are these chefs also fro

Cyprus0H

*o your Cyprus chefs cook English breakfast for English0H ,es, !e Cypriots cook breakfast for the English because they can2t cook.H
( see fro open kitchen that sausages are si))ling on the pan. And they are all !aiting for being devoured. ushroo s, and scra bled eggs, ( love these old oily cafTes around Cackney. %ecause you can see the s okes and stea s co ing out fro the coffee achine or kitchen all day long. -hat eans life is being blessed. (n this cafTe, there is a television set above everybody2s head. -he -D on but doesn2t have any i ages, only can hear %%C ne!s speaking scra bly fro the !hite sno! screen. (t is a little disturbing for e, but it see everybody in this place en&oy it. $obody here suggest fi9 the -D. *uddenly !hite.sno!.screen changes to green.sno!.screen, and the %%C voice continues. A eating so e bacons !ith the Daily @irror says to the chef4 an nearby

-hat2s an i

prove ent.H

,es, *ir,H replies the chef. G/ell, at least you don2t have to eat your breakfast, read the paper and !atch
the -D all at the sa e ti e.H

-hat2s

true.H -he

an che! his bacons and concentrates on page !ith picture of half naked blonde

s iling. ( !ant to talk. ( can2t help stop talking. ( have to stop you reading.

,ou kno! !hat0 ( ca (

e this cafTe before, sit here !hole afternoon,H ( say.

Doing !hat0H ,ou put do!n the paper, annoyed.

read a porn aga)ine called 1et Couse for three hours, because ( studied English fro Checking the dictionary really took lots of ti e.H ,ou are surprised. G( don2t think you should read porn those stories.

ags in a cafTe. 1eople !ill be shocked.H

( don2t care.H %ut you can2t do that. ,ou2ll -hen

-he !hy they sell these super arket.H ake other people feel e barrassed.H aga)ines in every little corner shop0 (s also even sold in the big

( believe everything to do !ith the se9uality is not sha eful in /est. an ne9t to us finishes his bacons, half naked !o an photo !ith huge breasts still being e9posed. aga)ine,H ( say, standing up.

( think ( go no! buy another porn B?,

you do !hatever you !ant,H you say shaking head. G-his is Cackney after all. 1eople !ill forgive you for not being au fait !ith the nuances of %ritish custo s.H ,ou dry up your cup of tea.

fart
fart vulgar slang n. e ission of gas fro the anus.v. e it gas fro the anus. *uddenly the an ne9t table reading ne!spaper !ith naked.breast.!o an e0H ( ask you. ean. -oo uch involving in looking house property advertise ent on the the arse0H ade a huge noise.

/hat is that noise na

,ou cannot understand !hat ( ne!spaper.

( try to e9plain4 GCo! to say a !ord !hich represents a kind of noise fro

/hat0H ,ou kno! that. ,ou kno! it is a !ind co (t2s called a fart.H
:art0 -he old an !ho reads the ne!spaper stares at us for several seconds, then buries hi self into the paper again. ( never hear English person says anything about fart. -hey ust be too sha eful to pronounce that sound. -here are lots of !ords !e used in China so often, but here people never use it. Even English dictionary say it is a Gtaboo.H es fro bet!een t!o legs.H

is fart in Chinese. (t is the !ord ade up fro t!o parts.

is a sy bol of a body !ith tail, and underneath that

represent t!o legs. -hat eans fart, a kind of Chi. (f a person have that kind of Chi regularly in his daily life that eans he is very healthy. Chi E

F, everything to do !ith Chi is very i portant to us Chinese. /e had so -ai.Chi, or Chi.Gong, or Chi.Chang. ,es, fart, ( !ant re e ber this !ord. (s the response eal. @ans in China loves to use this !ord everyday.

any !ords related to Chi, like

eans you en&oys a good ho ely cooking, after big talking to

,ou are still concentrating on your Guardian, so ething serious about the terroris . ( a nobody. -he old an ne9t table sees ( a fed up, so says to e4

(2

off, darling. Do you !ant

y paper0H e again.

Ce leaves the cafTe but turns his head looking at ( pick the ne!spaper fro

his table. -here is a headline4

LB*- :B3 /B3D*.-CE LA$G<AGE B: A$ E$DA$GE3ED *1EC(E* (t is a story about ninety.eight.year.old Chinese !o an &ust died. *he is the last speaker of !o ans.only language4 G$ushu.H -his four.hundred.year.old secret language being used by Chinese !o ans to e9press theys inner ost feeling. -he paper say because no !o ans practise that secret codes any ore, it arks that language died after her death. ( !ant create y o!n G$ushu.H @aybe this notebook !hich ( use for putting ne! English vocabularies is a G$ushu.H -hen ( have y o!n privacy. ,ou kno! y body, y everyday2s life, but you not kno! y G$ushu.H

ho e
ho e n. 1. a place !here one lives" #. an institution for the care of the elderly, orphans, etc.. ad&. 1. of one2s ho e, birthplace, or native country" #. sport played on one2s o!n ground.

( a :a

going to go to see a fa ily nearby, do you !ant to co e0H you ask ily0 /hat kind of fa ily0 $ot your fa ily0H

e.

$o. -hey are %engalis.H

(s not very nor al you !ant see other fa ily. %ecause you not really like fa ily concept. ,ou say fa ily against co unity. ,ou say fa ily is a selfish product. (t see s that you like other2s fa ily ore than you like your o!n. (n this %engali fa ily, you kno! those kids for any years, since you !orked as youth !orker. (n a house, bet!een %rick Lane and %ethnal Green 3oad, old %engali other raises ten children. (s big three.floor house !ith ten little roo s. :ive childrens are fro sa e other, and another five childrens are fro another !o an but !ith the sa e an. -he father, a %engali arried an, ca e to London t!enty.five years ago and re arried to this other in London. Ce ran so e business bet!een England and %angladesh. -hen he died, left one fa ily in London, one fa ily in %angladesh. %ut the five %angladesh.living children !ant co e to London, so they !ere brought here living !ith this London other. -hese kids are fro three to t!enty.four. -he youngest one !as born in #+++. Co! strange a child born of that yearI Ce only can say Gbye.byeH in English. -he oldest one &ust graduated fro the Golds ith College. Ce studied 1olitics and he !ants beco e la!yer.

not understand ho! other can raise ten children !ithout a husband,H ( say in little voice. GAnd she doesn2t have any &ob eitherIH

-hat2s !hy ( like this fa

business

ily. -hey &ust get on !ith their life !ithout aking earrings and necklaces fro ho e.H different

aking any fuss. -hey have a s all

And t!o groups of children fro Do you hate your fa /ell, ( don2t like the
,ou go into silent. ily0H ( ask.

other, they don2t fight at all0H ilies. ( !ish y fa ily !as like this.H

$o. -hey en&oy sharing life together, not like other fa

. -hey are sad people. ( broke a!ay fro

the y

any years ago.H other very bad te per and ake

( can2t i agine !hat like to break up !ith y fa ily. Even though e pain, y life relies on the , and ( can2t survive !ithout the .

Do you !ant have fa Aren2t !e a fa $o, a real fa Couse,

ily.H ily0H

ily !ith

e0H ( ask.

ily no!0H you say.

/hat is a real fa

husband and !ife, then have so e children, then cooking dinner together, then travel togetherPH

( thought the Chinese !ere supposed to be Co

,ou see like aking fun. /hat you ean0 /e look at each other, no ore discussion on this.

unists.H

,ou say salaa alai coo to the old other. -he other, she is covered in old green *ari. Cer skin is deep bro!n and lots of !rinkles on her face. *he never any education and never speak one !ord English. *he al!ays s iles and very little talking. /hen her children talks in English loudly in -D roo and !atching %%C she &ust sit there, peacefully !atching, like she understand they say. %athroo flush doesn2t !ork and sho!er doesn2t !ork. -here is not oney to fi9 house. %ut it see fine for the . (t see their life is not essy at all. -hey use cold.!ater.sho!er once a !eek, and they don2t use toilet paper because they al!ays use !ater to clean then tip bucket do!n loo.

-here are drug dealers doing business outside of their !indo!s, and clunkling every night, but the fa ily not get any har . (n Chinese, it is the sa e !ord G

any drunkens pass by !ith bottles

E&iaF for Gho eH and Gfa ilyH and so eti es including Ghouse.H -o us, fa ily is sa e thing as house, and this house is their only ho e too. G

,H a roof on top, then so e legs and ar s inside. /hen you !rite this character do!n, you can feel those legs and ar s ove around underneath the roof. Co e, is a d!elling house for the fa ily to live. %ut English, it2s different. (n 3oget2s -hesaurus, G:a ilyH related to4 subdivision, greed, genealogy, parental, posterity, co unity, nobility. (t see s like that Gfa ilyH doesn2t ean a place. @aybe in /est people &ust ove round fro to another house0 Al!ays looking for a house, aybe that2s the lifelong &ob for /esterners. ( keep telling you ( need a ho e. ,our face look gloo y, and see e happy. one house ake

disappointed that you cannot

%ut ( a

your ho e,H you say. ove around, and you don2t !ant live in this house.H yself getting arried either.H

,es, but you al!ays ,ou2re right. (2

tired of living in the city.H -hen you add, G( can2t see arriage. *o that

%ut ( like city and like to have $o, ( didn2t say that,H you say.
,ou look distant to Love e. ean ho e. Br, ho e

ean !e can2t have a ho e together,H ( confir .

ean love0 e because ( a too scared to lose the ho e. ( been living y childhood ( realise ho! violence

-he fear of !ithout ho e. @aybe that !hy ( love you0 -he si ple fear0 ( a building the Great /all around you and in that big fear since y childhood.

,ou barely ask y childhood. -o you it a blind )one. /hen ( look back of y e otional !orld !as.

/e !ere peasants. @y parents !orked in rice fields. -hey not aking shoes until ( graduated fro high school. After they understood they never earn oney fro their fields, they sold fields cheaply, and start aking s all business. ( al!ays being beaten up by big girls. (n village people sho! their e otion by hitting and shouting to each other. @y father hit e so eti es, also y other. -hat !as nor al. /e !ere poor. -he food !as not enough. ( !as frightened to eat ore than y other e9pected in every eal. Bccasionally there !as so e fried porks on the table, and it s elled like heaven. %ut ( dared not to reach y chopsticks to the eat, !hich prepared only for y father. @an needs eat and an is ore i portant than !o an, of course. ( looked at pork and y heart !as sAuee)ed by the desire. ( give a!ay anything for could bite one piece fried porkI @y other al!ays !atched out on the table. ( hated her, but also frightened by her. *he !ould beat y chopsticks if ( reached that pork. @y other had very bad te per. @aybe she hated e because ( !as an useless girl. *he cannot have the second children because !e have one child policy. @aybe that2s !hy she beated e up. :or her disappoint ent. Life to her !as unfair too. *he !as beated up by her other for arrying y father. *he !as deprive everything !hich belonged to her since she arried hi . /hen ( gro! up fro teenage, ( couldn2t trust anything and anybody. @aybe ( even don2t have concept of GtrustH at all. (t not e9isting in y dictionary. :irst, ( couldn2t trust y country. /e told that !e are proud of thousands of years history but ne9t day !e sa! beautiful old te ples being de olished into ruins. All old things have to be de olished and to be cleaned up. Does that ean our past value nothing any ore0 ( need ake y o!n ho e, a ho e !ith y lover. %ut ( don2t kno! ho! keep that ho e, all the ti e, for rest of y life. (2 scared ( !ill lose that love. -he fear is like poison in the every corner in y heart. -hat !hat you dislike.

,ou should trust

e. (2

not going to fall in love !ith so ebody else,H you say. eone,H ( say.

%ut !ho kno!s0 ( can trust you, but ( don2t trust !hen you are seduced by so %ut you have to trust
e,H you insist.

,es, but that doesn2t /ell,

ean you not fall in love !ith ne! person. ,ou can trust love !ith the ne! person. *o !hat is trust really0H

e, but perhaps ( fall in

if !e fall in love !ith a ne! person, then that2s fine. -hat2s not so ething !e can control.H ,ou look bit cool.

/hat you

ean that2s fine0 /hat you !o an !arrior.

ean !e can2t control0 /e can, if !e !antIH ( say, as strong as

*o !e change sub&ect. /e kno! !e can2t go any!here. Anything else !e can talk under one sa e roof0 Apart fro the lovely tea, salad, and learning ne! vocabularies0

/hen is your national day0H ( ask. /hy on earth do you !ant to kno! that0H $ot i
portant day for you0H e ti e in April or @ay, ( can2t re e ber.H yself

$ot particularly. /e call it *t. George2s Day. (t is so

( don2t kno! !ho is *t. George. Br to kno! all these dead people. *o !e are speechless again.

aybe he is so eone like Chair an @ao. ( don2t !ant bother

*o, !hen is your birthday0H you ask ;uly

e. oon calendar

#5, but that2s not y real birthday. @y other only kno! y birthday in Chinese date and !hen /estern calendar syste introduced into our society she forgot.H

*eriously0H ,our face is lighted. ,es,

!e never had birthday cake in our fa ily for cere ony so !hy you need the date of birth0 Bnly because the official registration,H ( say.

%ut !hat about your passport0 /hat date is !ritten on your passport0H ( !rote any /estern date ( think of and authority &ust print it on
sub&ect. y passport.H Co! e9citing to you, this

( carry on4 G@y father doesn2t kno! his birthday, because his parents died !hen he !as little child. @y other kno! her birthday is on the fifteenth day of seventh oon, is the day of Cungry Ghost :estival. *o all her life is about keeping a!ay fro that hungry day.H

colony
colony n. 1. a group of people !ho settle in a ne! country but re ain under the rule of their ho eland" #. a territory occupied by a colony" 5. a group of people or ani als of the sa e kind living together.

-he !ay you ake love !ith e, is totally ne! e9perience in y life. (s se9 suppose be like this0 1enetrating is !ay for you to enter into y soul. ,ou are so strong. And your strength is over!hel ing. :or you, ( a unprepared. ,ou crush e and press e into your body. Love aking is a torture. Love aking is a battle. -hen ( get used it, and ( a addicted by it. -he !ay you hold y body is like holding s all ob&ect, an apple, or a little ani al. -he force fro your ar s and your legs and your hip is like force fro huge creature living in &ungle. -he vibrate fro your uscle shakes y skins, the beating of your heart also beating y heart. ,ou are the co ander. ,ou kiss y lips, y eyes, y cheek, y ears, y neck, and y silver necklace. (t is like y necklace having a special agic on you. And that agic force you devote yourself to y body. -hen you kiss y breasts and you suck the . ,ou are like baby !ho is thirsty for other2s ilk. ,ou lick y belly and y legs and y feet. ,ou possess y !hole body. -hey are your far . -hen you co e back to y garden. ,our lips are !andering in y cave, and in that !ar and !et nature you try find so ething precious, so ething you al!ays drea about. ,ou !ander alone there and love there and !ant live there. @y !hole body is your colony.

prostitute
prostitute n. a person !ho offers se9ual intercourse in return for pay ent.v. 1. to to offer Eoneself or one2s talentsF for un!orthy purposes. ake a prostitute of" #.

( need develop y /estern life so ( go Charing Cross 3oad try to find so e cooking books. ( !ant kno! ho! to ake /estern food, like pastas, or ,orkshire pudding. ( a ended up in *oho Briginal %ookshop. -here are no kitchen books here, apart Co! to @ake Love and Cook Dinner at the *a e -i e. Lots of books here e9posing naked body. 1rostitute, ( read this !ord fro one of photo books. -he pictures are shocking. ( a standing there and reading the !hole book. %odies, strange costu es, strange positions, ore bodies having se9 together. *oho, %er!ick *treet. @y feet can2t ove a!ay fro iddle, so e leather belt, so e handcuffP a se9 shop. *o e leather bras !ith t!o hole in

A !ord loin !ritten on so e instructions, !hich ( never studied before. *tanding in front of these shelfs, ( check y Collins dictionary. loin n. part of the body bet!een the ribs and the hips" cut of and inner thighs. loincloth n. piece of cloth covering the loins only. -here is no ore e9planation. ( hate this dictionary. /here is an e9actly inner thigh0 And !hat loincloth look like0 Do people !ear loincloth everyday0 1utting y dictionary back into pocket, ( find shopkeeper stares at ans, both are bald, they stare at e too. ( leave the shop. 3ed light district. Bne, t!o, three, four, five, si9P( a changing the notes to coins. for one person to stand, and ( can see turning stage through little ( a in peepsho! roo . (t is tiny roo hole. e like a tiger. And there are t!o old eat fro this part of an ani al.pl. hips

( insert the coin of the first pound, and start !atching a !o an sho!s her nude. *he is a blonde. *hining hair like golden velvet. *he is young. *he !ears a tight shining top. Cer lo!er body is also covered by piece of shining cloth. (s that the loin cloth0 $o! she uncovers herself. *he has a fine round breast, like t!o su er grapefruits. Cer skin is a little dark, like she &ust co ing back fro sunny beach. -he peep hole close. ( insert second pound. -he light turns into red. $o! her se9 is bathed in redness. *he lies do!n on round stage, !hich covered by red velvet. -he stage is turning, slo!ly, s oothly. ( insert third pound. *he is opening her legs. -he legs of !hite &ade. *he s iles to everybody" even the place bet!een her legs is s iling. Cer garden is flirting !ith the !orld around it. *he has a rosy garden, !hich t!o lips half opened like !aiting for the kiss. ( never sa! other !o an2s garden before. (t shocks y eyes. ( re e ber one day !hen you and e aking love, you give e s all irror to reflect the place bet!een y opening legs.

-hat2s your clitoris,H you tell LiAuorice0H

( found there y colour of

e.

y se9 is bro!n. ( never kno! the colour of

y se9 before.

( insert fourth pound. $o! her hidden place is totally e9posed, sho!ing her secret landscape. -hen her right hand caress her valley of the tenderness. Cer long sli fingers, reaching her se9, are like a beautiful ballet dancer dancing in her garden. *he fondles her valley, up and do!n, gently, and again and again. -!o petals blosso in her !et garden. -he petals are fresh like rose. Cer bush is dark, like a fertile delta, a delta connecting to a secret path. *he looks light heated. %ut her face disappears, only the desire talks to people. ( insert the fifth pound. $o! she lays her back on the stage, raising her t!o legs high above.

,in Dao4 the tunnel of darkness, that is Chinese !ord to say vagina. Cer tunnel of darkness is right in
front e. Cer secret tunnel, !inding and curved, is like a an open fig.

a)e. (nside of the tunnel is pink and &uicy, like

-he peep hole close off again, and ( insert into y last pound. *he still there. Cer naked body oving on the red velvet. /hat her na e0 /hat her life like0 (s there an in her life or lots of ans0 /here she fro 0 *erbia0 Croatia0 ,ugoslavia0 3ussia0 1oland0 *a e day, sa e afternoon, sa e alive se9 sho! spot. ( change pounds, for !atching t!o persons perfor ing. $o!, on the stage, a beautiful young an and a black hair !o an. ore coins. -his ti e ( spent t!enty

-he an has a asculine body. Ce is very fit, and his skin is golden. Ce !ears pair of glasses. Ce has the beautiful lush hair tied up to a pony tail. Ce only !ears tight shorts, and his legs are strong. Ce kisses the !o an. -he !o an !ears a red bra and a silver ini skirt. Cer s!eet breasts bulged up!ards, inviting those thirsty eyes. -he an unbuttons her bra. Cer nipples are i ediately blosso , like pink rose bud in early su er. Ce caresses her neck, her breast, her !aist, her hip, and her legs. Ce is so elegant, a young gentle an. %ut he is a prostitute.person !ho offers hi self for un!orthy purposes, like the dictionary says. /hile ( a standing there !atching, ( desire beco e prostitute. ( !ant be able e9pose y body, to relieve y body, to take y body a!ay fro dictionary and gra ar and sentences, to let y body break all disciplines. /hat a relief that prostitute not need speak good English. *he also not need to bring a dictionary !ith her all the ti e. $o! her turn, her po!er on hi . *he seduces hi . Cer hands !ith scarlet fingernail fondle his delta, a place like a hill covered by the grass. Cis bird is gro!ing bigger and stronger. And he cannot help to devour her pink nipples, to kiss her sno! !hite neck, and to !hisper into her ears. Cer body is a cere ony, a po!er station, a light house. And the neon lights spread the agic colour on her skin. Ce beco es i pulsive. Ce lifts her short silver skirt, then ( see her delta. *he has very lush bush, like bush gro!ing by the river in the tropical )one. Cis fingers travel through her bushes, and disappeared into her cave. Cer face no! is lighted. Cer outh is half opened. /aiting and arousing. Cis fingers co e out fro her cave. Ce kneels do!n, starts to kiss her bush and sucks her cave. Cer &uice is shining on his face. -he great decadence is attracting -he great decadence is seducing -he usic goes to the end part. %ig e. e like a agnet. elody. Al ost disturbing.

Bn the turning stage, the an stands like a ountain. -he !o an kneel do!n and takes his bird into her outh. Cer lips are as !et as her valley. *he sucks hi . Ce is slightly shaking, and his body is s!inging. Ce holds her naked shoulder strongly and he endures. -!o bodies sticks together. $o! he cannot hold her any ore. -he volcano erupts, and the silver liAuid covers her face.

heaven
heaven n. 1. a place believed to be the ho e of God, !here good people go !hen they die" #. a place or state of bliss.

@y father said he once drea ed eating so e spring sprouts. @y father loves spring sprouts. (n that drea his teeth bites the fresh spring sprouts and he clearly hears the crispy sound fro his outh. (t is such a beautiful sound. (t is &ust like heaven, he said. %ut y other al!ays disagree !ith hi . @y other think there is no sound in the drea . (f you hear sound in the drea &ust because you i agine you hear it.

-he drea

is silent, like heaven.H -hat !hat she said.

Chinese Ceaven ust have lots of peach trees, lots fairy ladies dressed in silk skirt !ith long sleeves, like !e sa! in the artial art fil s. -here is no ans, but only the son of the Ceavens lives there, eating peaches everyday, served by beautiful fairy ladies. ( don2t kno! if this Ceaven !here y grand other prayed and !anted to go after she died. ( hope so. %ut if y grand other really living there no!, then she !ould ruin the !hole fairyland. %ecause she is ugly.

(s Ceaven really silent0H ( once asked

other, ti idly. pound0H she ans!ered.

/hat0I ,ou think Ceaven is as noisy as this co

-he co pound !e lived !as cro!dy, tiny and essy like !ar )one. -here !ere about t!enty fa ilies live !ith us, and every fa ily had seven or nine children since Bne Child 1olicy only starts fro 1=>>. *o there !ere about 1'+ children constantly shouting fighting crying everyday. -hen there !ere about

t!enty grand others shouting to at least forty sons and forty daughters.in.la!s every evening. *o co pound is like little village. And !e raised roosters and hens every!here in the co pound too. All the ti e you can hear little chickens snivelling for being stepped !hen kids ran over the . And fathers !ould chase kids and beat the kids up. -hat !as the life before y parents start ake business. *oon, leather shoes, cloth shoes, sports shoes !ere piles and piles like hill sitting in our co pound yard. At the beginning they !orked for so e shoes buyers. :ive years later y parents opened their o!n factory, and then everybody fro the sa e co pound beca e their e ployees. *o you, a /esterner, ask onePH e again4 G/hat do you think Ceaven is like0 Assu ing you think there is confused4

( recall !hat y other thought of Ceaven and !hat y father thought of spring sprouts. ( a G/hich Ceaven0 Chinese Ceaven or /estern Ceaven0H

(s there a difference0H you laugh. -here

ust be different.H ight fight each other.H

(f there are different Ceavens, ( guess then the different Ceavens :ighting is good. @akes Ceaven
ore liveable,H ( say.

,ou look at e surprisely. ,ou kno! ( like to fight. ( a !o an !arrior. ( like to do everything through fighting. ( fight for everything. *truggle for everything. /e Chinese are used to struggle get everything4 food, education, house, freedo , visa, and hu an rights. (f no need struggle then !e don2t kno! ho! to live any ore.

ro ance
ro ance n. 1. a fantasy, fiction, legend, novel, story, tale" #. an e9aggeration, falsehood, lie" 5. a ballad, idyll, song.

:riendship endures longer than ro ance. ( often think this sentence in your diary, but !hen ( look in -hesaurus ( see so any possible !ords for ro ance. (s ro ance love0

/hat is e9actly 3o 3o
ance0H

ance0H ( ask you.

,ou are thinking hard. @aybe is first ti e people ask this Auestion to you.

/ell, it2s a co

plicated !ordP@aybe ro ance is like a rosePH

3ose0 /hat kind of rose0H

/e are in garden so you go back in house fetch book.

A rose like in this poe

,H you say, and read

e4

All night by the rose, the rose, All night by the rose ( lay. Dared ( not the rose steal, And yet ( bore the flo!er a!ay. 1oe very beautiful, ( !ant kno! !ho !rote it. Bn book says Anon. uch easier.H

-his Anon very good !riter,H ( say. G( think ( prefer to *hakespeare,

,ou laugh. G,es, and perhaps even ore prolific.H

0H Anon isn2t a person. (t2s &ust !hat !e say !hen !e don2t kno! !ho !rote so Co!
ething.H Annoyed about this Anon, ( look round in your garden. -here is no any rose, let alone Chinese rose. can you never plant any rose in the garden0H ( say. GEvery green finger gro!ing rose in this country, as far as ( can see. ,ou should have one.H ,ou agree !ith e, this ti e, no any doubts.

*o !e no! have a cli bing rose in our garden, against the !all. (s a skinny plant !ith five green leafs and so e annoying thorn. /e had argu ent in flo!er arket because ( !ant buy rose !ith blosso s, but you rather buy little sprout and !ait for its gro!ing. ,ou use your favourite tool.spade.to dig the hole. G-he hole ust be t!ice as !ide as the root spread, and t!o.feet deepPH ,ou easure the hole !ith the fingers4 G-he rose has ainstructural canes and flo!ering shoots, so the canes ust be tied or !oven into a support to keep the rose off the ground.H ,ou are so scientific. ( look at you. Are you ro antic far er0 -hen, here, in ne! !orld far a!ay fro y ho e, here, under your fruit tree !ithout flo!ers, you start sing a song, a fa ous song !hich ( heard so e!here aybe in China before. ,ou voice gentle and al ost tre bled. *o e say love it is a river that dro!ns the tender reed *o e say love it is a ra)or that leaves your soul to bleed *o e say love it is a hunger an endless aching need ( say love it is a flo!er and you its only seed (t2s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance (t2s the drea afraid of !aking that never takes the chance (t2s the one !ho !on2t be taken !ho cannot see to give And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live /hen the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long -hen you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong ;ust re e ber in the !inter far beneath the bitter sno! Lies the seed that !ith the sun2s love in the spring beco es the rose (f people hears this song, and she doesn2t feel oved.then ( think that people e as !ell. ust not hu an. ( love you. And you kno! ( love you. And you love

,ou tell e song is fro %ette @idler.your favorite. ,ou say you like the strong, rude !o en. ,ou say all ho ose9ual like %ette @idler, @ae /est and %illie Coliday. %ut %illie Coliday not strong.she co it a suicide. -!o days after, you take e !atch docu entary fil s double bill. -!o cra)y !o en in one night. * all cine a on 3upert *treet. :irst one about @ae /est, an e9tre ely successful Colly!ood star, al!ays ake audiences happy and laughing. *he is a G$o. 1H !o an !ithout any Gco petitionH in the !orld, as she said to edia. *e9y, al!ays !earing shining &e!ellery, flirty, confidently. Even in her eighty. seven years old, she dressed a se9y !hite da))ling fur coat, and all around by young black bodyguards and ca eras. And her face still very beautiful and young even in that age. *he the tropical sun, nobody can be ore brighter than her. *econd fil is %illie on %illie, right after @ae /est docu entary. :irst scene in the fil is %illie Coliday standing on the stage sadly singing, GDon2t talk about ePH.last appearance on -D before she died. *he is a e9tre ely sad face, hopeless e9pression. :ro the fil ( learned her struggled by her childhood, her prostitution other, her se9 abuse !hen she t!elve years old, her drug and alcohol, her poor dignity being a black. %illie Coliday, she is not elancholy, she is hopeless.

( al!ays fearPH she says in the fil

. A strange fruit. ( !ant leave the cine a to cry. ( feel her pain in y heart. And later on !hen ( think of @ae /est again ( find her story is so surreal, like fairy story co es fro the oonP

( !ant beco e @ae /est, be her courage, her bravery, her hu our, her creativity, her challenging to the !orld. *he live !ith ad iration, rich, and confidence. @en all her slaves" en used by her. ( !ant play that role. %ut is the reality ( a nobody, not even painful %illie, ( a &ust obscure nobody !ith na e starts fro 7. @aybe this ro ance !ith you put so e !eight into y life.

physical !ork
physical ad&. 1. of the body, as contrasted !ith the physics. ind or spirit" #. of aterial things or nature" 5. of

:or si9 days no! London really hot. *uddenly people al ost nudes in street and sit about on grasses chatting. @rs. @argaret changed to beige suede sandals. ( can2t concentrate her lessons in the heat. Cotness ake you unhappy because you ust drive van like oven. ( see you al!ays disappear !ith that !hite van. A very old van !ith a side door sunken and another side door cannot close properly, unless you kick it violently. -he front and the back !indo!s al!ays covered by thick dust. (t is a peasant van, or a !orking.class van. -he van is your business ethod to earn because you have got a big van. oney via delivering goods. ,ou say you can get this &ob only

,ou drive !hole day in that van for delivering. -he goods are for so ebody2s birthday, party, cere ony, !edding, or any day so eone has e9cuse to consu e the oney. ,ou drive fro > o2clock early orning, till late night. ,ou drive seven days a !eek. Every day on the road, on those roads to!ards iddle.class big fa ily houses. ,ou co e back ho e in the dark, !ithout any energy left. Life suddenly beco es bit boring. ( find you are a physical an, a labourer, using your hands to survive. /hile lots people in this !orld &ust need use fingers to earn living by clicking co puter keyboard. ( never see you sell the sculptures. $obody !ant buy a suffered and t!isted statue, ( guess. (f they do, they aybe buy a fe ale nude statue. Bnce ( sa! you !ere aking a !ooden s!i ing pool odel, as the advertise ent for 3ed %ull co pany. Another ti e ( sa! you !ere aking a huge telephone odel for Dodaphone. ( heard you saying Git looks ridiculous,H Git is so tackyH !hile you !ere aking these things. %ut you got paid. -hen one day you stop getting these kinds &ob. ( don2t kno! !hy.

,ou al!ays say physical !ork

salad for you. (t is so late.

akes people happier, but you are not happy no!.H (

ake so e tea and

( a

too tired. -hat2s !hyPH ,ou sit on the chair, by the kitchen table. ,ou hair is

essy, covered by the

dust.

1hysical !ork doesn2t do any good,H ( say. %ut at least you don2t !orry about living.H ,ou sip the tea, the tea is sucking your energy. :or
e ental !ork better than physical !ork,H ( say. G$obody !ants physical !ork. Bnly you, and parents.H ( put the salad bo!l in front of you. y

,ou start to eat salad, and the roo goes Auiet. -he !hite cabbage is very crunchy, and the red carrots are hard too. ,our teeth are trying to grind the into pieces. ,our face looks uneasy. (n y ho eto!n, !e don2t use these t!o !ords4 ental !ork 1hysical !ork Q

All the !ork is called G

.scavenge

the living. @aking shoes, aking tofus, aking plastic bags, aking s!itchesPAll these !orks rely on our bodies. And bodies earn our living back. $o! ( co e to abroad studying English. And ( do that !ith y brain. And ( kno! in the future ( earn living fro y brain. ,ou insist physical !orker better than intellectual.

An intellectual can have a big brain, but a very s

( never heard before that. /hy you think of that0

all heart.H

( !ant a si

ple life,H you say. G( !ant to go back to the life of a far er.H

(ntellectual4 G

E)hi shi fen )iF

ean kno!ledge, G

ean

olecule. $u erous

olecule of kno!ledge !ill

ake up

an kno!ledgeable.

(n China, intellectual is everything noble. (t ean honour, dignity, responsibility, respect, understanding. -o be intellectual in China is splendid drea to youth !ho fro peasant background. $obody bla e hi , even in Culture 3evolution ti e and see ed these people suffered, but really !as ti e for the having privileged to being re.educated, get to kno! another different life. *o if you don2t !ant to be intellectual, then you a 3ed Guard too, like 3ed Guards !ho beat up intellectuals during Culture 3evolution. A 3ed Guard !ho living in the /est. ( never thought ( !ould like a 3ed Guard, but ( like you. ( a intellectual. in love !ith you, even if you say you not

( not intellectual either. (n the /est, in this country, ( a barbarian, illiterate peasant girl, a face of third !orld, and irresponsible foreigner. An alien fro another planet.

isolate
isolate v. to place apart or alone" che . obtain Ea substanceF in unco bined for .

,ou are not at ho e again. ,ou have so any social contacts, so any old friends need to see and chat, so any e9.lovers live in the sa e city as !ell, and ( don2t kno! anybody in this country. ( a alone at ho e. Dictionary checking, checking dictionaryP( a tired of learning !ords, ore ne! !ords, everyday. @ore e9ercise on tense, ake a sentence on the past participial tense, and ake a sentence on past conditional tenseP*o any different tenses, but only one life. /hy !aste ti e to study0 -he garden outside is Auiet. -he leafs are breathing and figs are gro!ing. %ees are beeing around the &as ine tree. %ut ( feel lonely. ( look that ale nude statue under the fig tree. Ce is still facing do!n, like al!ays. An enig a. -otally an enig a. /henever ( go to the odern useu , like -ate @odern, ( never understand those odern sculptures. ( hate the . -hey see don2t !ant to co unicate !ith e, but their huge presence disturb e. -he house is e pty. (s the loneliness an e ptiness0 ( re e ber y grand other al!ays recite t!o sentences fro the %uddhist sutras4

*he e9plains it eans the e ptiness is !ithout for , but the for is not e pty, actually it is full. (t is the beginning of everything.

is also the e ptiness. -he e ptiness

*o far, ( don2t see the e ptiness is the beginning of everything. (t only eans loneliness to e. ( don2t have a fa ily here, and ( don2t have a house or a &ob here, and ( don2t have anything fa iliar here, and ( only can speak lo! English here. E pty. ( think the loneliness in this country is so ething very solid, very heavy. (t is touchable and reachable, easily. -he loneliness co es to e in certain hours everyday, like a visitor. Like a friend you never e9pected, a friend you never really !ant be !ith, but he al!ays visit you and love you so eho!. /hen the sun

leaves the sky, !hen the enor ous darkness s!allo! the last red strip in the hori)on, fro that o ent, ( can see the shape of the loneliness in front of e, then surround y body, y night, y drea . *o ething issing, so ething lost in y life, so ething !hich used to fulfill in y China life. /e don2t have uch the individuality concept in China. /e are collective, and !e believe in collectivis . Collective :ar , Collective Leadership. $o! !e have Group Life (nsurance E

F fro the govern ents as !ell. /hen ( !as in iddle school, !e studied Group Dancing. /e danced !ith #++ students as part of the school lesson. /e have to dance e9actly the sa e pace and the sa e ove ent in the usic. @aybe that2s !hy ( never feel lonely in China. %ut here, in this place in the /est, ( lost sensibility to!ard the !orld is so unclear. y reference. And ( have to rely on y o!n sensibility. %ut y

( take out one a book fro your shelf, :rida ?ahlo. -hat @e9ican !o an artist. (t is a picture albu of her painting, her life, and her terrible illness, being disabled after the bus accidents. *o any self.portraits. ( thought one painter only does one of these in his life, like one person only have one gravestone. %ut :rida ?ahlo has so any self.portraits, as if she died any any ti es in her life. -here is one called *elf.1ortrait !ith $ecklace of -horns. *he has the sharp and heavy eyebro! like t!o short knives" her eyes like black shining glass. *he has the thick dark hair like a dark forest" the necklace of thorns cli bing on her neck. -here is a black onkey and black cat sitting on her shoulder. -he i pression on her face is so strong. ( learn that she had to plant etal in her body so that to support her survive fro disable. ( feel y heart is being penetrated by the thorns she painted. ( feel painful. /hen ( put do!n :rida ?ahlo, ( think of you. ,ou love the heaviness of life. ,ou like to feel the difficulty and the roughness. ( think you like to feel the !eight of the life. ,ou said you hated (?EA, because furnitures fro (?EA are light and s ooth. ( !alk to the garden, staring at your sculptures again, one by one, carefully, attentively, thinking of you !ith y ne! eyes. -hat naked an, !ithout head, stubbornly faces do!n to!ards the ground !ith t!isted huge legs. /hat akes hi so suffering0

hu our
hu our n. 1. an ability to say or perceive things that are a using" #. an a using Auality in a situation, fil , etc." 5. a state of ind, ood" 6. old.fashioned fluid in the body.v. to be kind and indulgent.

,esterday at ho e !e celebrate y birthday. ( turn to #6. B? ( don2t kno! !hen is passport birthday can be great e9cuse to have a big Chinese eal. (t is the year of goat. @y ani al sign is goat too. (t is !hich eans ( a having y ost i portant year in other !ill say that.

y real birthday, but

y second t!elth year after the year of y birth, y life, because it is a year ( eet y destiny. @y

/e are having a hotpot birthday party. ,ou say you never eat hotpot eal before. ,ou say it is interesting to see people sitting around a big table and cook food fro a stea ing pot in the iddle. *o there is about si9 or seven people all together. *o e are your friends. -!o of the fro y English language school. Bne is fro ;apan called ,oko. ,oko has very sli cat eyes, and neat cut fringe covered her forehead like a hat. Cer hairs has lots different colours like red and green and blue. *he looks like punk, or aybe she is real punk. Another one is fro ?orea called ?i ,an 7hen. ?i has very pale face, and she looks !hiter than any !hite people. -hese t!o are fa ous in our language school because their English is i possible. @rs. @argaret say y English even is better than the . ( think aybe because !hen ;apanese girl speaks English, people !ould think she is speaking ;apanese. And !hen ?orea girl speaks English, she keeps nod her head and bo! her back to sho! the odest, but !ithout giving anything verbal. %ut anyho!, they are kind of y co rades, although ?orea hates ;apanese, and ;apanese !ere not friendly !ith Chinese. @ost i portant thing, they use very si ple !ords. ,oko sits do!n and say, GAre !e eat0H ?i ,an 7hen looks at the hotpot and asks, GCook, you0H ( like that. ( like people speak that !ay. *o !e understand each other easily. (t is a eal bet!een East and /est, though three Brientals only can speak foreign language to co unicate. (t is !orship of eating, is the e9actly !ord to describe this. ( ake spicy red chilli soup for the hotpot, by putting in gingers, garlic, spring onions, leeks, dried ushroo and chillis to ste! the soup. After the soup beco es boiling ( put in tofu and la b. /ith

hotpot, la b is essential for the soup. (t gives the for content. Bther!ise hotpot is the interesting for of eaningless. (s a pity that you are vegetarian, and all of your friends are also vegetarians in this roo . /hile ( a cooking the la b in the pot, you and your friend &ust look at it, and put the uncooked carrots straight into the outh. (n Chinese, !e say the !ay you cut the eat reflects the !ay you live. -hey ust be ti id people. Cere is the birthday gift fro you. -!o book. -he first is -he Cappy 1rince and Bther -ales by Bscar /ilde. ,ou say is good book for e to start !ith, to understand English !riting easily. -he second one is -o the Lighthouse by Dirginia /oolf. ,ou say it can be read later on, !hen y English beco es very good. -hen ;apanese girl ,oko gives /aterproof 1ersonal @assager @ADE ($ CC($A /hat2s this !aterproof0 %attery0 /atch0 -here is picture on the cover4 it is so ething looks like s all cucu ber but slightly bended. Curiously, ( open the bo9. (t co es out a s ooth plastic thing look e9actly like s all cucu ber. Bn the botto there are so e buttons4 onQoffQfastQslo!. (s it toothbrush achine0 ( put into y outh, but it not fit easily. A assage achine for facial beauty0 Br for back and neck aching0 @aybe the instruction !ill tell e. ( unfold the little piece of instruction. $atural Contours.it2s great to be a !o an -hen there is a printed letter4 Dear Custo er, -hank you for purchasing your ne! $atural Contours assager. $atural Contours is a revolutionary approach to personal rela9ation4 a assager that2s ergono ically designed to fit the contours of a !o an2s body. (t is our goal to offer you personal products that enco pass Auality, taste, and style to please today2s !o an. /ith the ove to!ard greater self.a!areness and e9ploration for !o en, !e hope this product !ith your e9pectations and opens up a !hole ne! !orld of personal rela9ation for you. -hen there are so e sincere advertise on the verse of the page4 Ans!ering the call for Auality personal products, $atural Contours delivers unbeatable perfor ance4 a stylish assager !ith a lo! noise otor that provides sti ulating vibration. -he elegant, i pact. resistant casing is ergono ically designed to co ple ent a !o an2s natural shape. -B B1E3A-E4 */(-CC -B GB$H 1B*(-(B$ *o follo! this instruction ( s!itch on the stops eating and look at e. ,ou lean to e and !hisper in Colding the vibrate, achine. (t is beeping. Everybody !ho eats the hotpot no! eets e s all little bo9. (t is delicate, like perfu e bo9. Bn the cover it says4

y ear, G(t2s a vibrator. ,ou put it in your vagina.H akes e feel horrified.

y hand is shaking badly. ( s!itch it off. (t our,H you say.

Everybody in the party laughs.

( think Asian people have a great sense of hu $o, !e don2t,H ( clarify. /hy not0 ,ou and ,oko $o.

ake everybody laugh all the ti e.H

/e Chinese don2t understand hu our. /e look funny &ust because the culture difference, and !e &ust being too honest,H ( say.

,es, !hen you say things very honest, people think you are funny. %ut !e stupid,H ,oko adds. ,es, Cu
( agree.H Cere co es ?orea girl ?i ,an 7hen eventually. *he barely speaks, but !henever she speaks she i press everybody. *he seriously akes a co ent4 our is a /estern concept.H uch recently. ba boo forest.

(s super English. ( didn2t kno! ?i 2s English i prove so ( !atch the vibrate. ( !ant to ake a co

,our friends look at us three Brientals, like look at three panda escape fro

ent as !ell4 GEn&oy se9 is a /estern concept too.H ,an 7hen.

-hat2s rubbish. @en en&oy the se9 every!here,H says ?orea girl ?i

@ans look at each other.

%ut, ( Bf

ean, ,oko, did you give her the vibrator as a &oke or as a serious gift0H you ask.

course serious,H ans!er by ,oko. ( kno! ,oko is serious. Briental people are serious, even young punks.

Cave you never seen a vibrator before0H one of your friends ask $o. Co! !ould (0H %ut it2s Doesn2t
ade in China,H the friend says.

e.

ean ( see it,H ( say. GActually those big international co.op factories run by foreigners. And the anagers e ploy lots cheap labours like peasants, peasants2 !ives. And those !o ans they don2t really kno! !hat is this achine for, but they &ust ake it, by putting every piece of spare parts together. (t is like they ake co puters by putting pieces together, but they never ever use co puter.H /hy it doesn2t say GDildoH or Gauto atic se9 for !o anH on the bo90 @aybe because it ade in China, not allo! to say things so clearly. (t ight beco e a big scandal if so ebody fro his village kno! his neighbour aking plastic cocks everyday in a factory. Br aybe these factories are secretly protected by the govern ent. %ecause Chinese govern ent say there is no se9 industry in China. 1utting ore !hite cabbages into the hotpot, ( can2t help thinking about those !o ans !aking up early every orning to ake vibrators. ( a seeing the leaving behind their une ployed bad.te per husbands and poor children to sit on production lines and ake vibrators. And those peasant !o ans !ill never use the vibrator in this life. All they !ant to kno! is ho! uch they !ill earn today and ho! uch oney they can save for the fa ily. ( put back this plastic cucu ber into the bo9. /hen ( leave it on the oily table, ( see the !arning fro side of the bo94 Clean !ith !ashcloth and ild soap. the

igraine
igraine n. a severe headache, often !ith nausea and visual disturbances. Another hot day. ,ou left ho e in the orning !ith your old !hite van. ( !ent to school and ( had an e9a on vocabulary. -he e9a !ent B?. ( think ( gain ore English !ords since ( have been lived !ith you. @rs. @argaret praises e. *he said ( a fast learner. *he doesn2t kno! ( have been living !ith an English an every day and night. *oon school !ill end for su er holidays. @y parents not e9pect there be so any holidays !hen they paid this school. ( co e back ho e in the evening and s!itch on %%C 3adio 6. ( kno! y listening co prehension still bad. ( hear *i9 B2clock $e!s, then -he 1arty Line4 co edy about a frustrated @1. ( don2t understand English co edy. (a !aiting for you to be back. ,ou co e back ho e al ost ten. ,ou hug e !ith a cold !ind. ,ou look so frail. ,ou look painful. ,ou say you got t!o parking tickets today, one is forty pounds, another one is si9ty pounds. ,ou say you !ere fighting !ith the traffic police an !ho is a black. ,ou say !hy black people they are so kind and friendly in Africa, but are so rude as long as they live in London. ,ou say London is a place sucks. ,ou say London is the place aking everybody aggressive. ,ou say you got strong headache again, and your !hole body aches as !ell. ( ake you so e tea. ,our favourite pepper int tea. EBn the tea bag it says4 produce of Egypt. ( thought English people they produce their o!n tea.F ( poured the boiled !ater into the pot. (t is an old teapot in bro!n colour. (t is ugly. ,ou say you used this teapot for al ost ten years. -en years, you never break it. (s unbelievabal. ,ou drink the tea and you stare at the stea fro cup. ove your body to the bathroo . ,ou ( give you a painkiller pill. ,ou take it. %ut you look !orse. ,ou thro! yourself up.

(t is unbearable. ( hear your pains, through the closed bathroo . (t feels like you are thro!ing up all the dirts fro your body, all the dirts fro the sick !orld. -he running tap is being s!itched off. ,ou co e out fro the bathroo , !ith a pale face.

never had headaches before ( ca e to London. @y body !as so healthy !hen ( lived in the country !ith y goats, and ( !as &ust planting potatoes. *ince ( oved here (2 struggling all the ti e. @y body is in isery. -hat2s !hy ( hate London. $ot only London, all big cities. %ig cities are like huge international airports. ,ou can2t have one o ent of peace here, and you can2t find love and keep it.H %ut !hat about the love bet!een you and e0 (t happen in the big city, a very big city, London, a very international place, like airport. Can you keep that love0 Can !e keep it0 ( ask yself, in y heart, touching your hair. -here is so ething shaking inside e. $o! you lie do!n on the bed, your body is hidden in Auilt. ,our Auilt is so heavy, and the te9ture feels very rough. $ot right for this hot !eathers. (t ust be !ith you for any any years, and it ust be fro so ebody else.you never buy beddings. /hen ( sa! your Auilt and sheets the first ti e, ( &ust kno! you lived long ti e on your o!n !ithout a !o an. A house has a !o an !ill definitely have a soft and cosy beddings. :eeling your body is shivering in pain, ( can2t leave you there. ( take off y clothes, and ( lie beside you.

/ill you have se9 !ith /hy0 Do you !ant0H ( a C

.H

e0H you ask

e, !ith a !eak voice.

very surprised.

,our hand still presses your head !here is the pain fro .

(f ( co

e it helps

e forget about the pain and fall asleep,H you say. shocked.

%ut !hat if nobody beside you or you don2t have a lover !hen you are very ill0H ( a -hen ( !ould do it !ith
y hand. Like ( did before you ca e into y life.H ( don2t kno! !hat to say any ore.

-ouching gently your little bird, ( ove y fingers. ( can feel your pain directly. ,our pains is like electric current transfer into y finger, then y pal , then y body, then y head. ( beco e shivering !ith y anticipation, for that ( !ant cure your pain. ,ou face look relieved, but your breath beco ing uch heavier. ,our little bird gets harder in don2t feel se9y at all" all ( !ish is to stop you suffering. y fist. (

Are you ready to co

e0H ( a

holding you. a9.

,esPH you say, enduring the great pain of cli

,our body is shaking. -hen the sper co es. @y hand is co pletely !et. (t &ets, again and again. -he ilk. (t ust be bitter ilk !hen a person is suffering. (t is the ilk of love, y love to you, but it is also the ilk of pain, your pain in your life. ,our breath cal s do!n. ,ou are leaving your pain. /e lie still, !ithout oving even for one centi etre. /e are &ust like your still statue. -he sper on y pal is drying. ,ou fall into sleep. ( can feel every single pulse on your !rist. ( can feel every single beat fro your heart. ( breathe in your breath. ( inhale your e9hale. (t is being so long that !e lie here like t!o statues. ( look at your face, for so long. ( even can see your death. -he shape of your death.

eAual
eAual ad&. 1. identical in si)e, Auantity, degree, etc." #. having identical rights or status" 5. evenly balanced.n. person or thing eAual to another.

3upert *treet, fish restaurant. *aturday evening. Large lobster placed on the !indo! is so seductive that ( can2t ove y feet a!ay. /e get in. ,ou order goat cheese, and e9tra vegetables. ( order fish soup and sAuid %%8 in !ine. /e agree having t!o glasses !hite !ine as !ell. Later, !hen !aiter gives the bill it forty pounds all together. E9pensive. ,ou take out t!enty pounds, put on the bill book. ( don2t ove. ( look at you, !ondering.

CalfIH you say.

/hy0 ( don2t have t!enty pounds !ith ,ou2ve got a debit card.H %ut !hy0H (2
al!ays paying for you. (n the /est,

eIH ( say.

en and !o en are eAual. /e should split food and rent.H

%ut ( thought !e loversIH Loudly, ( argue.

-he old couple ne9t table stops eating, look at e !ith strange face.

(t2s not about that. ,ou are fro

China, the country !ith the ost eAual relationship bet!een en and !o en. (2d have thought you2d understand !hat (2 talking about. /hy should ( pay for everything0H ( say4 GBf course you have to pay. ,ou are an. (f ( pay too, then !hy ( need to be !ith you0H e to pay your living costs0H $o! you are angry4 GAre you really saying you2re only !ith

$o,

not thatI ,ou are an and ( a !o an, and !e are live together. /hen couple is live together, !o an loses social life auto atically. *he only stays at ho e do cooking and !ashing. And after she have kids, even !orse. *o !o an can2t have any social position at all. *he losesP!hat is that !ordP financial independence0H -hese are !hat ( learned fro 3adio :our /o an2s Cour every orning ten o2clock.

3eally0 B?. *o, if the !o

an stays at ho e all day, like you, !hy can2t she hoover the floor0 /hy do ( have to do the hoovering after (2ve done a !hole day2s !ork0H -hat2s true. ( never !oover the floor. ( only s!eep the floor. And al!ays lots things left on the floor. y eyesights is very bad, so there are

%ut ( !ash clothesI And ( cook everydayIH -hank you, that2s very kind of you. %ut !hat2s !rong !ith a bit of hoovering0H %ecause ( hate that !oover. ,ou Co IH
B?, so !o an and an pay half half even !hen they live together. And !o an and an have their o!n privacy and their o!n friends. And !o an and an have their o!n separate bank account. (s that !hy /estern couples split up so easily, and divorce so Auickly0 /e argue all the !ay back to ho e. Bpen the door, ake a pot of tea, you start !oover the floor again. *o noisy. (t akes e headache i ediately. -he !oover ust be invented by ans. ( sit on chair not let the big dragon s!allo! e and take out the Little 3ed %ook fro y dra!er. -here are so e pages about !o ans and eAual in @ao2s speech4 (n order to build a great socialist society it is of the ut ost i portance to arouse the broad asses of !o en to &oin in productive activity. @en and !o en ust receive eAual pay for eAual !ork in production. -his ust be the original thoughts !hich beca e legend G!o ans hold up half of the skyH in China. in deep thought about China, you s!itch off the dragon. ,ou stare at e, and say4 /hile ( a ust pick it fro like dragon. ( &ust don2t like so ething so bigIH the rubbish place. (t is so noisy, and it is so huge. (t is

e no!I ,ou like a big cock, don2t you, so !hy don2t you like a big hooverIH

!ish (2d never given you books. $o! all you do is sit there reading and !riting. ,ou2ve beco e so bourgeois.H

frustration
frustrate v. 1. to upset or anger" #. hinder or prevent. frustration n. the feeling of being frustrated.

,ou lie in bath. -he !ater co es to top, and the bubble covers your body. /e both al!ays take bath !hen !e feel depressed. Do ost English people do that, especially in the long dark !inter0 ( !onder. Co! any baths !e have been taken since !e being together0 (n last si9 onths the bath ( had ust be ore than ( did in the last t!enty.four years. $o!, you even didn2t s!itch on the radio. ,ou lie there like a nude statue in the !ater.

/hy you are silent0H

,ou shrug your shoulders. Cave no co ents. ,ou don2t !ant talk. $ot at all. $ot even one !ord.

Cave you got headache0H

,ou shake your head.

*o you don2t !ant talk to $o.H /hy not0H ( &ust !ant to be on

e0H

y o!n to think. ,ou kno! people so eti es &ust !ant to have their o!n space.H

Bnly your face is on the surface of !ater. ( pression of your face is like the sky being covered by a big piece of dark cloud. ,ou not happy.

/hy you not happy0 /hat have ( done !rong to you0H ( &ust feel tired of you,H you say. GAl!ays asking
up.H ( listen. e !ords, ho! to spell the , !hat they ean. ( a fed

(t

is too tiring to live like this. ( cannot spend and ( can2t be Auestioned by you all day long.H ,ou co e out fro there alone.

y !hole ti e e9plaining the

eaning of !ords to you, e. ,ou leave e

bath, covering your body !ith that blue to!el. ,ou are so cold to

( feel like being abandoned. -he !ord ( learned the first day ( arrived London in the bloody red $uttington Couse. (t is the second !ord in y Concise Dictionary, co ing after Abacus. ,ou carry on4

(t is

so hard for e. ( don2t have y o!n space to think about y sculptures, y things, and y o!n !ords. ( don2t have ti e to be on y o!n. $o! !hen ( talk to other people, ( beco e slo!er and slo!er. ( a losing y !ords.H ( listen. ( a upset to hear this. ( have to say so ething to defend yself.

(f so, that is not

y fault. (t is &ust because !e live in such different cultures. (t is very difficult for both you and ( to find the right !ay to co unicate.H ,ou listen, then you say4 G,ou really are starting to speak English properly.H After this, the evening !e are in the !orld of silence. ( don2t !ant ask you any !ords any ore, at least not in several hours, and ( tell yself ( shouldn2t talk to you either, at least tonight. ,ou not !ant talk to e. -he air in the house beco es heavy. :inally you say to e4 GCo e !ith e to see a fil .H ( take y &acket and ( follo! you. /e are driving the !hite van to the cine a. Bh, cine a saves our life. ,es, aybe you are right. /ords aybe not really the first thing in life. /ords are void. /ords are dry and distant to!ards the e otional !orld. @aybe ( should give up learning !ords. @aybe ( should give up !riting do!n !ords every day.

nonsense
nonsense n. 1. so ething that has or akes no sense" #. absurd language" 5. foolish behaviour.

( a sick of speaking English like this. ( a sick of !riting English like this. ( feel as if ( a being tied up, as if ( a living in a prison. ( a scared that ( have beco e a person !ho is al!ays very a!are of talking, speaking, and ( have beco e a person !ithout confidence, because ( can2t be e. ( have beco e so s all, so tiny, !hile the English culture surrounding e beco es enor ous. (t s!allo!s e, and it rapes e. ( !ish ( could &ust go back to y o!n language no!. %ut is y o!n native language si ple enough0 ( still re e ber the pain of studying Chinese characters !hen ( !as a child at school. /hy do !e have to study languages0 /hy do !e have to force ourselves to co /hy is the process of co unication so troubled and so painful0 unicate !ith people0

discord
discord n. 1. a lack of agree ent or har ony bet!een people" #. harsh confused sounds. :orgot since !hen, !e started to fight. /e fight everyday. /e argue everyday. -he sound in this house is discord. :ighting for a cup of tea. :ighting for the isunderstanding of a !ord. :ighting for the !ays ( like to add the vinegar in the foods but you hate it. :ighting for the freedo as you think it is i portant ore than anything else. Argu ent e9pands onto every possible direction4 -ypical argu ent 14 EBn -ibetF

( re

e ber you saying that -ibet belongs to China. ( can2t believe you can think that.H

/ellP,ou

see things fro a !hite English2s point of vie!. *ha e that your English failed to colonise -ibet and China,H ( thro! back.

%ut no! -ibet is colonised by the ChineseIH ,ou raise your volu (f -ibetan is not !ith Chinese, then it ruled by %ritish E (t depends !hat you

e.

pire, or A erican any!ay. %ecause -ibet never really been econo ically independentI -hey al!ays need rely on others, rely on po!erful govern ent. *ince China and -ibet are in the sa e piece of land, !hy !e t!o can2t be together0H ean by Ktogether2I (t can2t be at the cost of -ibetan culture. And look ho! -ibetans you2ve killedPH any

( didn2t kill any -ibetansI $o any other Chinese ( kno! in

China !ants go to that desertIH

y life killed any -ibetansI (n fact, nobody in

%ut the Chinese govern

ent killed -ibetans.H

,es, of course %%C ne!s only report bad side of China.H

-ypical argu ent #4 EBn foodF

(t is boring eat !ith you everyday. ,ou only eat vegetable, no !heat, no pasta, no !hite rice, no bread,
only goat cheese, let alone any fish. Cardly any restaurant suits you. And not very cooking either. @y parents !ill say you lose the ost &oyful thing in your life.H uch fun for y

/ell, you are the ene Eating

y of ani als. Co!

any ani als do you think you have killed in your life0H ,ou

fight poison !ith poison. ani als is the hu an nature. (n the forest, tiger eats rabbit. Lion eats deer. -hat2s ho! the nature !orks.H -hat2s ho! y teacher said in y iddle school.

%ut you Chinese eat anything, even endangered species. ( bet if dinosaurs roa
so eone !ould !ant to see !hat dinosaur protecting nature0H

ed the forests of China, eat tasted like. Co! co e you people have no sense of

%ut

!hat so different of eating plants0 Everything has its life. (f you are so pure, !hy not &ust stop eating0 *o you can have no shit0H

,ou are i

possible to talk toIH ,ou stand up, leaving the dinner table. y

-ypical argu ent 54 EBn careerF ( say ( !ant to be a great English speaker a ong other Chinese. And ( !ant to do so ething big in life and get fa e.

,ou2re so bloody a /hy a /ell, for a start, it

-hese !ords hurt

bitious. /hat2s the point of fa e0 /hy not &ust try to be yourself.H

bitious is not a good thing0H ( ask. akes you pretty difficult to live !ith,H you say. e.

B?,

so ( have big a bitious, and it ugly. %ut !hy you !ant to sho! your sculptures to others0 ,ou should &ust ake your o!n thing and never sho! it to peopleIH

( !ant to sho! the sculptures to others because ( a -hat because you are

curious about !hat they ight think. (2 about their reactions. ( don2t care about being so eone big. ( don2t care about fa e or oney.H

curious

a !hite English living in England and you o!n the property and you have social security. ,ou are boss of yourself, so you have dignity. %ut ( don2t have anything here in your countryI ( have to struggle to get these thingsIH ( a al ost shouting, but ( should not shout in your private property. 1eople call police an to co e anyti e in this country.

identity
identity n. 1. the state of being a specified person or thing" #. individuality or personality" 5. the state of being the sa e.

( try to be Auiet !ith you in the house. ( have been reading books you gave to e. ( Auickly finished Bscar /ilde2s -he Cappy 1rince and Bther -ales. ( loved the nightingale story. (t !as so sad. $ightingale2s love not being valued by the prince at all. /hy beautiful story al!ays is sad0 And ( loved the selfish giant !ho has a huge garden too, but the last sentence ade e cry. (t goes like this4 GAnd !hen the children ran in that afternoon, they found the Giant lying dead under the tree, all covered !ith !hite blosso s.H ( start reading -o -he Lighthouse. ,ou are right, it is Auite difficult for e. Bn the back it says it is about a iddle.aged !o an !ith her eight children in a su er house. Eight children !ithout any husband0 (t ust be a hard book. ( holding breath !hile read the first page. ( can2t breathe freely because there are hardly full stops. Dirginia /oolf ust be a very !ordy person. -he !riting is so forceful, is nearly painful for e to read. ( suddenly understand that you ust be suffered a lot fro e, because ( a so forceful and de anding on !ords too. And even !orse, you are forced to listen y essy English every single o ent. ,ou are unlucky to be y lover.

( put do!n the book and leave it for

y future reading. y notebook. ( al!ays y o!n identity, in

( a being caught by the !ord Gidentity crisisH on -he -i es. ( !rite it do!n into !ant to find this !ord, no! here ( encounter it. $o! ( !ant think about an intellectual !ay.

@y other told e4 G,our skin too dark and your hair too thin. ,ou don2t look like e and your father at all. ,ou are like your barbarian grand otherIH *he said to e4 GLook at your big feet. A real peasant2s feetI $obody !ill !ant arry you.H ( hated her, and ( !ished she could die i ediately. arry e. %ut she is right about this4 so far nobody really !anted to

/hen ( !as in iddle school, y school ates al!ays laughed at e. *o ( spend ti e on reading to avoid talking to the . ( read *no! /hite And *even D!arfs in Chinese, and ( sa! y other is as evil as that step other Aueen. %ut ( didn2t have a sno!.!hite skin and ( !as &ust a peasant girl. *o there !as no prince !ill co e save e and that2s y destiny. %eing a teenage ( !as dying to run a!ay fro y ho eto!n, the to!n !hich y other al!ays beat e up and bla ed e for everything ( have done !rong, the place !ithout y drea and y freedo . -he day !hen ( arrived to the /est, ( suddenly realised ( a a Chinese. As long as one has black eyes and black hair, obsessed by rice, and cannot s!allo! any /estern food, and cannot pronounce the difference bet!een GrH and Gl,H and reAuest people !ithout usingplease.then he or she is a typical Chinese4 an ill.legal i igrant, badly treat -ibetans and -ai!anese, good on food but put @*G to poison people, eat dog2s eat and drink snakes2 guts.

!ant to be a citi)en of the !orld.H 3ecently ( learned to say this. ( !ould beco e a citi)en of the !orld, if ( have a ore useful passport. Ah @rs. @argaret, that conditional againI

anarchist
anarchist n. 1. a person !ho advocates the abolition of govern ent" #. a person !ho causes disorder. anarchist

/hat is Anarchist0H ( raise

y head fro

Guardian.

/e are in G:irst Choice,H a cheap greasy spoon, forty pence for a cup of tea. /e like this kind of places. -hey don2t ask us leave if consu ption less than lb1 after one and half hour. ( love east London. ,ou have an Earl Grey tea, and ( have coffee. LiAuidish eggs flo! every!here on are crying.t!o crying baby !ith one fat other, no husband again. :ro!n gathers on your forehead. y plate. ?ids nearby

Anarchists0

Anarchists don2t believe in govern ent. -hey think society shouldn2t have a ruling govern ent. -hat everybody should be eAual,H you ans!er, slo!ly.

*ound like Co $o.

unist,H ( say.

Co unists believe the !orking class can control the po!er of the !hole society, but Anarchists don2t believe in any po!er. -hey are very individualistic, !hereas Co unists believe in the collective.H ,ou stop describing, as so e !orking class an looks at us, stop biting his sausages. @y interests being aroused. ( !ant to discuss ore. ,ou are y acade y.

%ut sounds Anarchist is the end of the Co @aybe.H ,ou open another page of paper. *o are you an Anarchist0H ( a (

unist, or the advanced Co unist. (s target or triu ph of the Co unis revolution is that, through the revolution !iping out the difference of the classes and eli inating the ruling govern ent. $o country boundaries. *o the !orld can be eAual. A ( right0H

not giving up.

!as an Anarchist. %ut not any ore.H $o! you give up your paper, and ans!er e seriously. G@ost Anarchists are in fact bourgeois. -hey don2t really !ant to give up any advantages. -hey can be very selfish. ( don2t think ( a that kind of person no!. ( !ant to give up aterial things, and live the si plest possible life.H -he si plest possible life is the ost co plicated thing to achieve ( say to yself.

*o !ho are you0H -his ti

e ( really !ant to kno!.

don2t kno!. @aybe an atheist. ( don2t believe there is a god living in the sky. ( don2t believe in Capitalis , but (2 also not convinced by Co unis , the !ay it is no!.H

*o do you believe in anything0H ( ask. C

,H is your only ans!er. G/hat about you0H

@e0

( do believe there is a kind superpo!er control all our life. (t is also the po!er above the nature. And this superpo!er hu an being cannot really do anything to change it.H ( look outside of the !indo!, and ( a sure right no! in this very right o ent there is a superpo!er above us, above our cheap cafTe and above our silly conversation. ysterious

,ou point the ad of Donnie Darko in the paper and ask e4 GCave you seen this fil 0 -he teacher in it says to Donnie4 K,ou are not an atheist, you are an agnostic.2 ( think you are an agnostic too.H

/hat is agnostic0H ( a

searching

y little Concise Chinese.English Dictionary in

y pocket.

%ut after !e both look at the dictionary up and do!n there is no!here !e could find the !ord agnostic. @aybe this is the !ord not i portant to Chinese. Br there is no agnostic in old ti e of China at all. Br aybe it is a very capitalis !ord that2s !hy the authority censored it0

An agnostic is

so eone !ho believes in a spiritual !orld, a !hat he should believe in yetPH

etaphysical !orld. %ut he hasn2t found

/ait, !hat is K @etaphysical /hat0H

etaphysical20H ( open

y notebook. ight be a sceptic.H

eans not physical, not realPH A pause, you say4 Gbut ( think you

Again, ( pick up y dictionary and open it i understand all these !ordsI

ediately. ( a

in a hurry to learn. ( a

in a hurry to

/hile ( a burying yself in the sea of !ords in the dictionary, you say, GConey, your English is good, but not that good. ( have to say.H -he !orking class an in the nearby table che!s his kidney pie, looking at think ( ake his day. e !ith enor ous !onder. (

hero
hero n. 1. the principal character in a fil , book, etc." #. a Aualities or achieve ents. an greatly ad ired for his e9ceptional

,ou feel happy again, your

ood is like English !eather.

,ou are in the peace, like the fruit tree !ithout flo!ers in the garden. ,ou are happy because you start to ake a ne! sculpture. *o no! dirt and ess every!here in the house. (t is like living in a construction site. Clay and plaster and !a9 and !ater. ,our happiness is fro your o!n !orld, fro your physical ob&ect, fro the olded ale head, ale ar s, ale leg, ale attractionP,our happiness is fro your asculine !orld, and in that !orld you feel everything is under the control. ,our sadness actually is nothing to do !ith e. ,our stress is not really fro e. (t is fro your asculine !orld, because you don2t feel satisfied !ith your life as a an. And you ight think ( a an obstacle in your life. ,ou think your sadness caused by our relationship, by love prison. (t is not true. ,our happiness and your sadness is fro the !orld that you fight !ith yourself. @y love to you is like a lighthouse, al!ays searching so ething special about you. And you are special. %ut ( don2t kno! if you think e in the sa e !ay. ,ou al!ays say things like these to e4

Co! did you burn the rice again0 A Chinese !o ( spend

ore ti e !ith you than !ith

an shouldn2t burn rice, you eat it everyday.H

y friends. /hy do you still co plain0 /hat else do you !ant0HP

(t see s you don2t treat e as a special person in your life. ,ou treat e as one of your friends. And there is a line you dra! bet!een you and e. -here is a li it, fro your heart, fro your lifestyle, !hich akes love feels like a friendship. ,ou live inside of e, but ( don2t live inside of you. ,ou said :rida ?ahlo is one of your heroes. Bf course ( kne! that. ( kne! that fro that because ( kne! your heroes are al!ays in pain, and died of young. your book shelf. ( kne!

(n nobody2s London :ields, ( sit on a chair, and read about :rida ?ahlo again. ( !ant understand you, and ( !ant understand your t!isted nude lying on the ground of your garden. :rida, her body falling apart !hen she !as alive. Cer bones !ere being s ashed by the bus accident. Death had been eating her everyday until one day nothing is fresh left. Again ( see your naked an lying do!n on the ground. ,our t!isted statue, ho! si ilar to :rida2s body in her painting. (n your !orld, ( a losing y !orld. (n your pain, ( a losing yself. Everything akes e thinking about you, only about you and your !orld. ( a like a !allpaper stick on the !all of your house, looking at you and decorating your life. GDon2t bury e, burn e. ( don2t !ant to lie do!n any ore,H :rida lay on the bed and said to her husband. *he could not ove one inch. A negotiation bet!een her and the devil. @y life co pare !ith hers, is nothing.

freedo
freedo n. 1. being free" #. e9e ption or i unli ited access. unity, e.g. freedo fro hunger" 5. the right or privilege of

( say ( love you, but you say you !ant to have freedo . /hy is freedo ore i portant than love0 /ithout love, freedo is naked. /hy can2t love live !ith freedo 0 /hy is love the prison for freedo 0 Co! any people live in this prison then0 schengen space -he G*chengen spaceH is the territory constituted by the countries !hich are e bers of the *chengen agree ents. -he follo!ing countries are today active e bers of the *chengen agree ents4 Austria. %elgiu .Den ark.:inland.:rance.Ger any.Greece.(celand.(taly.Lu9e bourg.the $etherlands.$or!ay. 1ortugal.*pain.*!eden. -he ai of the *chengen agree ent is to allo! free circulation of people !ithin the territory of the e ber countries. All foreigners !ho are legally resident in one of the *chengen e ber states can ake short visits !ithout a visa in any other e ber state, provided they travel !ith their valid passport, !hich ust be recogni)ed by all the *chengen states, and a residential per it issued by the authorities of the country of residency. *ince the <? is not a e ber of the *chengen agree ent, nationals !ho are not e9e pted fro visa reAuire ents by the *chengen e ber states, and !ho reside per anently or te porarily in the <?, need a visa to enter the *chengen space.

Cave

a look at this,H you say. G(f you got a visa to go to :rance, you could go and see all these countries.H ,ou pass to e leaflet. ( read carefully ter s of the G*chengen Agree ent.H ( don2t kno! !here is Lu9e bourg, !here is the $etherlands, $or!ay or :inland, and ( of course don2t kno! !here is Greece. ( thought Greece is in 3o e. After ( check the European ap, ( read it again the ter s. ( understand !herever ( !ant to go ( need visa, but ( still don2t understand !hat is G*chengen.H @e, a native ainland Co unis Chinese, a non.E< e ber and non.%ritish passport. :or visa application ( need prepare y edical insurance paper, y financial docu ent Ethanks that ( have a free acco odation here fro you, so ( save lots of oney fro y parents prepared for y rentingF.

*o

uch trouble, ( don2t !ant to go,H ( say. G( !ant stay in Cackney !ith you.H e. After all, you2ve never been to the

,ou look serious. G( think you should see a bit of the !orld !ithout sea.H

*o, you take

e.H

,ou only s iling. G( think it2s i portant you go by yourself.H /hen visa arrive ( a still doing research on European ap, trying to understand !here is !here, like 1oland is ne9t to Ger any, and 3o ania is above of %ulgaria. %ut ( couldn2t find Lu9e bourg.

Don2t !orry. ;ust buy an unli

Europe,H you say to

ited (nter.3ail ticket, then you can take the train to !herever you !ant in e, very e9perienced.

<nli

ited0H ( a

so e9cited to kno! this.

,es, you2re under t!enty.si9, so the ticket !ill be cheap. ,ou2ll get to see the !hole of the Continent.H Continent0 /here is that0H ( ask. ,ou2ll kno! !here the Continent is !hen you co
,ou talk to e like ( a your child. @aybe ( a e back.H ap of like idiot in front of you. @aybe you love the idiot.

,ou take out so e old aps fro your bookshelfs. -here is ap of %erlin, ap of A sterda , Denice, ap of @adridP,ou blo! the dusts on these aps, and put in y bag.

$o! they are useful again, after all those years sitting on the shelf,H you say. %ut all these places (t2s not like China,H
ust be changed fro the ti e you !ent,H ( say, thinking of ap of %ei&ing every onth being changed. you say. -hen you take a novel called (nti acy, author Canif ?ureishi, and put into y bags too. G-his is for you to read on the train.H e packing. e a!ay fro y shirts into the rocksack. (s that all you !ant0 /ant

,ou sit do!n on the chair, having tea, and looking at ( already feel lonely !hen ( put you0

paris
1aris is the capital and largest city of :rance, in the north.central part of the country on the *eine 3iver. ( thought English is a strange language. $o! ( think :rench is even ore strange. (n :rance, their fish is poisson, their bread is pain and their pancake is crVepe. 1ain and poison and crap. -hat2s !hat they have every day.

Du pain0H
-he an serves e in a s all brasserie nearby Les Calles, !ith so e bread on the little basket. :rench for %eginners by @ichael -ho as. e4

$on. ;e ne veu9 pas painIH ( ans!er. ( learn this fro

%ut one

inute later, he co es back !ith a s all basket of pain again, asks

Encore un peu de pain0H Ca sufficientIH ( say, !iping

$o ore pain in akes y life. e happy. Bnly rice y outh, stand up.

;ourney London.1aris !as big let do!n. /hen ( sit on the co fortable chair in the Eurostar, the :rench. accent.staff announce the !hole &ourney !ill take t!o hours and thirty.five inutes. -!o and a half hours ( !ill be in the centre of a ne! country. Europe is so s all, ( can2t believe it. $o !onder that it !ants to beco e a <nion. ( a so uch looking for!ard to see English Channel. ( re e ber a Chinese an in #++1 !ho s!a cross this Channel to earn national face for Chinese govern ent, but !hen he reached :rench seashore he didn2t have visa to arrive. Bf course he didn2t have visa, because he al ost naked. (n China, !e all thought that :rench people don2t understand Cerois . Cero doesn2t need visa. Even a third !orld hero. Chair an @ao used to s!i cross ,ang 7i 3iver, biggest river in China, in his very old age. Ce is of course, a hero. -he train is fast. -here are still green fields and !hite sheeps outside of !indo!. -he speaker announce that in five inutes !e !ill be in the tunnel of English Channel. *o e9citing, ( can2t !ait. :ive inutes later ( find !e are in the absolutely darkness, deep darkness. ( thought the tunnel is ade of glass, so it is transparent to be able to see the blue sea!ater. %ut there is no difference !ith London underground. (n the long darkness, ( !onder if those fishes beside us are blocked by the tunnel and !ill be confused in the sea. Disappointed, ( a finding yself co e out fro the dark tunnel, and arrive to the :rench side. @usTee D2Brsay, 1aris, a place e9hibit lots of !ork fro ( pressionists. (. .p.r.e.s.s.i.o.n.i.s.t, and (. .p. r.e.s.s.i.o.n.i.s. . Longest t!o !ords ( have ever learned so far. Even longer than c.o. . .u.n.i.s.t and c.o. . .u.n.i.s. . -here are several paintings fro @onet. ( stare at these obscure !ater lilies, obscure gate, and obscure sunrise. -he colour and the sub&ect in these paintings are like so ebody looking

through a dirty !indo! glass. Especially the one about the i pression of sunrise, sunrise on the sea. Everything blurred, the !ave, the sea, the sun, the cloud are all blurred. Even the colour is blurred too. $ight in a cheap hotel. :orty.five euro including breakfast. -he roo is so s all, like a place for one of *no! /hite2s seven d!arfs, but the :rench.style balcony is al!ays better than English one. ( sit on the old high.back.chair thinking there ust be one thousand dead people used to sit on this chair and spent their hotel ti e doing strange or boring things. -urn on the desk la p, ( start to !rite you a letter. %ut y eyes can2t see anything clearly today" especially ( can2t read clearly the trails of y !riting. /hite paper too sharp for eyes, black ink too !eak to read. /hen ( look at the dictionary, every !ord is blurred. -he optician in London told e the po!er of y short eyesight is gro!ing, getting !orse. -hey said ( can2t do laser surgery because y corneal are too thin. /ill y future is a !orld of blurness0 ( look out of the !indo!. ( can see the black clouds at the botto of the dark sky, and ( can see the di lights in so ebody2s house !hich is not far a!ay fro this hotel, and the shado! of trees by the street light. %ut that2s all, no ore details in the street. ( re e ber once you told e about an A erican eye doctor, !ho invented %ates @ethod. Ce taught those short.eyesight.patients ho! to use eyes properly. Ce said keep your vision centered. /hen you regard an ob&ect, only one s all part should be seen best. -his is because only the centre of the retina has the best vision for detail. 3est of retinal area is less able to pick up fine detail. Does this ean ( don2t or can2t use the centre of the retina to see things properly0 -hat ( like @onet, Dan Gogh and all these i pressionists, see the !orld blurred too0 ( !ant to see you only at the centre of retina and everything else blurred. /hat a Continent !hen ( &ust !ant see you0 ( doing in this busy

A sterda is the constitutional capital and largest city of the $etherlands in the !estern part of the country !here the A stel 3iver is &oined by a sluice da .

a sterda
( only stop in A sterda for one day. ( a going to %erlin. ( don2t kno! !hy ( don2t feel like to stay. ( don2t kno! anything about Colland, and ( even didn2t kno! Colland , Dutch, the $etherland eaning the sa e place. /hy a country have so any different na es0 %efore ( thought these three spread so e!here differently in Europe. -here are only t!o things ( kno! about Colland4 first, the Co unist Dutch an ;oris (vens ade a fil called -he 6++ @illion about Chinese against ;apanese invasion" second, all the tulips in China are said fro Colland. About ;oris (vens, ( sa! a fil ca era been e9hibited in the @useu of the 3evolution in %ei&ing. (t is the ca era he gave to the Co unists ar y at late 1=5+s. @aybe that2s !hy Chinese Co unists started aking fil s since then. A sterda *o Central station. A large place. A place for te porary stop and for passing by. ore than one hour. any people here, but nobody !ill stay here

:ro platfor 1' to 1, ( cannot find a place to sit y bu . $o, there is no single chair or bench in this Central *tation. -he passengers hold their pi))a in hand and eat it !ithout a seat. -he passengers stand and drink paper.cup coffee !ithout a seat. A an, !ith a huge suitcase and a big rocksack, talk in obile phone in a strange language. A language !ithout any si ilarity !ith other language ( have heard in y !hole life. Ce keeps talking in the phone and his face is sad. Ce talks in the phone for so long, and it see s like he is being sucked by the tele!ave and disappeared in the phone.)one. (n that dark phone. )one it is no seats either. -he train to %erlin !ill be departure at J41' p. . :ive hours to !ait. ( decide go for a !alk. Butside station so uch !ater. And houses like doll house. (n front of one house ( eet a an drinking coffee on doorsteps. ( stopped to look at house because ( sa! so e fa iliar leaf !ith special fragrant. Lush !isterias cli bing on a big tree. ( al!ays love this plant. (t is so Chinese. (t !as gro!ing every!here behind our house in y ho e to!n. And it is gro!ing in your English garden as !ell. ( put do!n y heavy rocksack and try to have a rest. @an on doorsteps looks at !alking again0H e and asks in English, G/ould you like a cup of coffee before you start ake a cup of coffee0H ade a pot. *o ( &ust need to fetch a cup for you.H ilk. ( dare not ask hi about ilk, thinking

Bh. (s that convenient for you, to

Ce s iles. G(t2s no proble . (2ve already

Ce goes back inside of house. 8uite dark inside. /e sit on doorsteps and drink a very bitter coffee !ithout aybe Dutch an doesn2t use ilk.

( a

1eter. And you0H e 7, if you !ant.H

7huang Xiao 8iaoP/ell, &ust call

70H Ce laughs. G-hat2s a strange na

(n England, people tell ans!er hi . -hen he asks e4

e.H eans they don2t like it. *o ( don2t

e if so ebody says so ething GstrangeH

Are you ;apanese0 Br 1hilippino0 Br Bh, are you0H he says, and looks at
Cis s ile re inds

aybe Dietna ese0 Br -hailandese0H

( a little annoyed4 G/hy ( couldn2t be a Chinese0H e eaningfully.

e of you. A bit different. Ce !ears a black leather &acket. e, because y eyes !ere still on the !isteria. China,H ( say.

Do you like plants0H he asks Bh, really0 ( didn2t kno! that.H

,es, ( like those vines, !isteria. (t is originally fro

Ce starts to look at the plants as !ell.

@y father told

e that !isteria is very long.lived,H ( say. G*o e vines surviving '+ years. -hey cli b the trees and they can kill the trees.H

,ou kno! a lot about plants.H Ce looks at ( don2t kno!.H China is far a!ay fro
( nod

e4 G*o !hy are you running around the !orld0H

here. And you don2t have anybody travelling !ith you0H ust rush back to have dinner !ith their fa ily.

y head. $ot kno!ing !hat to say.

1eople in the street are in a hurry !ith their bags, they Every!here people live in the sa e !ay.

And are you going to the train station no!0H ,es.H /here are you going0H %erlin.H %erlin. A nice city. Cave you been there before0H $o.H %erlin is cool.H
%ut ( don2t !ant to kno! about %erlin, ( think only of your ho e0H y ho e. *o ( ask, GDo you live in this house0 (s this

/ell, not e9actly @e0 ( &ust ca

y ho e. %ut ( rent it.H

Can ( ask !hat do you do here0H

e back fro another country. Cuba. ( !as there for ten years.H unist like ;oris (vens0 Cuba0 /hy Cuba0 Live there for ten years as a Dutch0 (s he also a Co ( start to !atch hi , instead of !atching the people in the street. Cis eyes eet y eyes. e for a bit until you !ant to go.H Ce e. ( ( look up his ho e. (t is a beautiful old house.

Don2t you !ant to change your ticket0 -hen you could stay !ith
looks at e sincerely. Ce is very serious, ( think.

( shake y head. ( put y e pty coffee cup on the stone step. ( look at y rocksack in front of stand up and ready to go. %ut suddenly y tears co e out !ithout e noticing. -he an is surprised. Ce doesn2t kno! !hat to say. Ce gives hand, tightly. ( don2t kno! hi , ( don2t kno! hi , ( tell yself. e his hand and lets

e hold it. ( hold his

$o! the big clock on platfor sho!s #+4+J. -here are seven inutes left. *ky is pink outside. /aiting and feeling lonely. $o! there is no ti e ( can go back to the centre of city.

A big train station is a bleak place. -his station is bigger than any station in London. /aterloo *tation, ?ing Cross *tation are &ust too nor al co pare !ith this one. -ravel alone, akes e feel sad !hen ( see all these couples hold each other2s hand and !ait patiently. A floating dust, that ust be ho! God see a little hu an drifting on the Earth. any proble s to understand this eet in %erlin, and there is ( feel difficult !ithout you. ( beco e language handicapped. ( got so !orld around e. ( need you.

Colding the ticket to %erlin, but ( don2t feel like to go. -here is no one ( can nothing ( kno! about Ger any. ( &ust !ant go back to London, to y lover.

Co e is everything. Co e is not se9 but also about it. Co e is not a delicious eal but is also about it. Co e is not a lighted bedroo but is also about it. Co e is not a hot bath in the !inter but it is also about it. -he speaker on the platfor renounces so ething loudly. (t is #+411. -he train !ill leave in four inutes. ( look around and ready to get on train. *uddenly, so ebody is running to!ards e. (t2s hi . -he an offered e coffee in front of his doorsteps. Ce is running on the platfor , and he is running to!ards e. ( a stepping into the carriage, so ( drop y bags on the floor and co e out the train again. Ce stops right in front of e, breathless. /e stare at each other. ( hug hi tightly and he hugs e tightly. ( bury y head into his ar s. ( see y tears !et his black leather &acket. -he s ell of the leather &acket is strange, but so eho! so fa iliar. (a crying4 G( don2t !ant to goP( feel so lonely.H e, even tighter. Ce hugs

,ou don2t have to go.H %ut ( have to go,H ( say.

-he bell rings. -he train starts to ove. /hen his back disappears off the platfor , ( dry y tears. (t is so strange. ( don2t kno! !hat has been happened on e, but so ething has happened. $o! it is over. (t is over. ( a leaving A sterda . -here is no !ay to return. ( kno! ( a on a &ourney to collect the bricks to build y life. ( &ust need to be strong. $o crying baby any ore. ( pull do!n the !indo!s, and sit do!n on y seat. %erlin is the capital and largest city of Ger any in the northeast part of the country" for erly divided into East %erlin and /est %erlin, the city !as reunified in 1==+.

berlin
-he
si)e of China is al ost the si)e of the !hole Europe,H y geography teacher told us in iddle school. Ce dra!ed a ap of China on blackboard, a rooster, !ith t!o foot, one foot is -ai!an, another foot is Cainan. -hen he dra!ed a ap of *oviet on top of China. Ce said4 G-his is *oviet. Bnly *oviet and A erica are bigger than China. %ut China has the biggest population in the !orld.H ( often think of !hat he said, and think of ho! at school !e !ere so proud of being Chinese. (t see s that ( can2t stop to keep eeting ne! people. /hen ( !as in London, ( only kno! you, and only talk to you. After left London to 1aris, ( !as still in old habit and didn2t even talk to a dog in 1aris. English told that :rench are arrogant they don2t like speak English. *o ( didn2t try talk to anybody in :rance. %ut that2s good for e. ( don2t even need to re e ber ho! to speak Chinese there. After 1aris, ( tired of useu s. $o ore dead people. Bpposite y seat a young an in his black coat and red scarf is reading ne!spaper. (t is of course foreign language ne!spaper. And ( don2t kno! the !riting of that language at all. ,oung an in black coat !ith red scarf stops reading the paper, and gives y presence a glance then back to his paper. %ut very soon he stops his reading and looks at the vie!s outside of the !indo!. ( look at the !indo! as !ell. -here are no any vie!s. Bnly the dark night, the night on no na e fields. -he !indo! reflects y face, and y face observes his face. Bnly hi and e in this s all carriage.

%erlin0H he asks. ,es, %erlin,H ( say.

/e start to talk, slo!ly, bits by bits, here and there. Cis English speaking accent not easy understand.

@y na

e is ?laus.H

B?. ?laus,H ( say.

Ce !aits, then he asks4 G/hat is your na e0H

(t is difficult to pronounce.H B?.H Ce looks at ( a

fro e, seriously. China, originally,H ( say. ( think ( should e9plain before he asks.

Briginally0H he repeats. B?, ( have lived in London for several ( see. ( a

fro onths.H East Ger any.H Ce stops. -hen he says, G,our English is very good.H ad ( have studied English every day, and even

Dery good. (s that true0 (f it is, he doesn2t kno! ho! no!, on the trip.

*o, on this train, this ne! person, ?laus. Ce is a stranger to e. -rain is really a place for fil s and books to set up the story. And ( can feel e and this an !e both !ant to talk, to talk about !hatever. Ce says he !as born in %erlin, east of %erlin. Ce says he kno!s everything about East %erlin, every corner, every street. Co! lucky, this train is leading to his ho e, his love. -he night train is oving slo!ly. (t is certainly not a fast train. Bnly non.i portant passengers !ould take this train, or holiday aker. /e lie do!n opposite each other on the couches in the tiny carriage of the train. A strange position, lying there, he and e. /e talk ore about %erlin. Ce says that he is training in Diplo atic Depart ent in %erlin. %efore that he !as a la!yer. Ce !anted to change his career and to live in abroad. Ce says he used to have for eight years a girlfriend !ho lives in %.a.v.a.r.i.a E%.a.v.a.r.i.a, he spells slo!ly to eF. Ce e9plains it is in the south of Ger any, but of course ( don2t have any idea !here is this %.a.v.a.r.i.a. Ce tells e his girlfriend one day ca e to %erlin and knocked his door. *he told hi she !anted to finish this relationship. *o he finished it in pain, as she decided. And he decided to change his life and go to !ork in other countries. ( understand ?laus2s story, ( understand that feeling !ant to be far a!ay fro the past. ( tell hi ( understand hi . Also ( tell hi about you, the an !ho ( love so uch, and the an !ho tell hi y feeling about you.and ho! you tell e ( have to travel alone. /e talk, then so eti es no !ords, and &ust listen. Eventually the sun co es outside of the !indo!. akes sculptures in London. (

/e are getting there,H ?laus says.

%erlin has a heavy colour, big sAuare buildings. Like %ei&ing.

*o !here you !ill stay in %erlin0H he asks. Don2t kno!. @aybe ,@CA youth hotel, because ( can have discount fro
hi y pass. y Europe train pass.H ( sho!

( can take you to a ,@CA near $o proble

( take

y flat, if you !ant.H

-hat2s very kind of you. 1lease. ( don2t kno! any!here.H

,H he says, and pulls do!n his luggages fro on our head. y rocksack and follo! hi , &ust like a blind person.

-he early orning air feels cold, like autu n co ing. Bccasionally, one or t!o old ans in a long coats !alk ai lessly in the street, !ith the cigarettes in their lips. <nder the high!ay there is bridge. %y the bridge there is a sausage shop, lots of large ans Aueue there to get hot sausages. -hey eat purely sausage in the orningI Even !orse than English %reakfast. -he orning !ind is !ashing y brain, and y s all body. -his is a city !ith so ething really heavy and serious in its soul. -his is a city !hich had big !ars in the history. And, ( feel, this is a city ade for ans, and politics, and disciplines. Like %ei&ing. -hen ( see the flag, drifting on top of a yello!. ( ask ?laus4 G(s that your country2s flag0H Ce is surprised4 G,ou kno! nothing about politics0H ( ad it4 G,es, ( a sorry. ( never kno! it. *o an any different flags, they confuse e.H Ce laughs4 G%ut you2re fro @aybe he is right. -his is a China. Everything in China is about politics.H ust kno! this !orld very !ell. assive building on a big sAuare. -hree bars4 black, red, and

*o it is the Ger ,es. (t is.H

an flag0H ( guess.

( stare at the flag, stare at this black red yello! bars.

/hy the black bar on top of the flag0H ( ask. G(t looks so dangerousIH
Ce laughs again, but then stop. Ce raises his head and looks up the flag as !ell. @aybe he thinks ( a not so stupid. %lack bar of flag is po!erful and heavy blo!ing on top, and ( feel a little bit scared. (n a reasonable designing, the black bar should be at the botto , other !isePit ight cause bad luck. (t ight cause the !hole country2s unfortunate. As ( re e ber, there is another country also has black bar on national flag, !hich is Afghanistan. %ut even Afghanistan put the black bar on the botto instead of top. ( look up the sun through the flag, and the flag see s like a dark spot of the sun. -hrough Ale9anderplat) station, !e are heading to east %erlin. ( follo! hi , like a blind an follo!ing a stick. (t is seven in the orning. /e stand in front the ,@CA Cotel. -he door is not opened yet. /e ring the bell. A an co es opening the door !ith his sleepy eyes, and he tells us that there is no vacancy until this afternoon. *o !e leave ,@CA, !ith our luggages. *tanding in the flat if ( !ant. (s very close to here. iddle of the street, ?laus says ( could co e to his

B?,H ( say.
?laus flat is very tidy. /hite plain !all, double bed !ith blue colour bedding, bare !ooden floor !ithout carpet, !hite.tile.pasted bathroo , s all tidy kitchen !ith everything there, !riting table !ith a leather chair, !ooden !ardrobe and a book shelf. -hat2s all. $o !o an2s ake up or perfu es in the bathroo . $o any sign of !o an any!ay. Ce akes a pot of coffee in his s all kitchen. $o ilk, he opens the fridge and says. /e drink the coffee, and he puts so e sugar in. ( don2t !ant any sugar. ( can see there are only a piece of sad butter and t!o boring eggs in his fridge. Ce says he !ill leave %erlin ne9t year, then start his diplo atic &ob. Ce grabs a pen and !rites do!n address of flat and nearby tube station. And he gives it to e. Don2t get lost he says. -hen he opens the !ardrobe and changes his tops. -here are at least t!enty different colour2s shirt and ten different ties hanging inside. And it see s they are all being ironed by so eone properly. /ho ironed his clothes0 Ce puts on a grey.silver.colour.suit, and a dark.red.tie.

,ou can leave your bags here, so you can !alk around in %erlin. (2ll be back this evening fro

!ork.H

*o ( say yes, yes, yes to hi , to ?laus. Ce see s nice an, no har , only !ar th. ( can trust hi . /e !alk to bus stop !here goes to his office. *everal office an and !o an in suits and !ith black leather bags also !aiting. -hen the bus i ediately co ing. Ce kisses on y cheek and says see you tonight at ho e. (t is so naturally, &ust like in a /estern -D, a husband says goodbye to his !ife every orning !hen he leaves to !ork. ( see hi disappear !ith the bus. And ( have a strange feeling to!ards hi . $o! ( a alone, !andering around in the city of %erlin. ( feel really naked. ( care about nothing of this city. ( have no love or hate !hatsoever to!ards this city. /hat ( should kno! about Ger any0 -he /all0 -he *ocialis 0 Br the *econd /orld /ar0 -he :ascist0 /hy they hated ;e!s0 /hy Ausch!it) is not set in their o!n country0 -he history te9t book in China told us a little about Ger any, but very confusing. ( only kno! they have sausages, different taste sausages sold under the bridge. And people eat the sausage !ith a !ooden stick in the street. ( re e ber this orning a very noble.looking an in front of sausage shop, and !as eating to ato.sauce.covered.sausage !ith his office files under his ar . -hat2s y understanding of %erlin. (t re ind e so uch of %ei&ing. -he city is in sAuare shape. *traight long street, right, left, no !andering. And so e ore bigly sAuare building blocks. (t ust need a dictator like Chair an @ao to ake a city like this. %ut of course this city look uch ore older than %ei&ing. %ig buildings in %ei&ing ca e out fro last fifteen years.or ( !ould rather say4 last fifteen days. @ost of trees standing in %ei&ing streets are ne! trees, !hich being planted aybe no ore than five years. Cistory in %ei&ing doesn2t e9ist any ore, only e pty :orbidden City for tourists taking photos. ( pass by that sausage shop under bridge again. -he stea s co e out fro the food. (t s ells good. (t seduces e to !ant have so e sausages too. ( give three euros to the an in the shop, and he kindly gives e a big pack of hot sausage, !ith green ustard and red sauce by the side. (t look e9actly like a lu p of shit. %ut it tastes good. @y body is in %erlin, but y heart is left in London, left for you. ( don2t feel is find so e internet cafTe !rite e ails. ( cannot stop thinking of you. yself together. All ( !ant do

,ou !rote

e fro

London this

orning, or

aybe you !rote fro !ith you.H

last night4

Although our bodies are separated, ( still feel as if ( a

( !rite to you back i %ut you !rite e back4

ediately. ( say it is too lonely on the road on

y o!n. ( don2t see the point.

(n the /est !e are used to loneliness. ( think it2s good for you to e9perience loneliness, to e9plore !hat
it feels like to be on your o!n. After a !hile, you !ill start to en&oy solitude. ,ou !on2t be so scared of it any ore.H ( read this e ail again and again in internet cafTe not kno!ing your e9actly eaning. (n cafTe by big street ( go and sit read so e pages of (nti acy hoping it ake e feel close to you. -he cheese cake ( &ust had is sticking on the cover of the book. (t is very depressed book, ( don2t understand !hy you !ant e to read. (t is about a iddle.aged an leave his !ife and children, to abandon his fa ily life. (s that ho! you feel living !ith e0 (s that the reason you sent e off to travel the Continent e9plore y solitude0 ( feel angry. ( put do!n book, looking around the roo . (s a odern cafTe, the red and black colour chairs and tables are all in geo etry shape. *o uch designing here, it al ost feels unco fortable. ( !ant you suddenly turn up in front of e, and take off y clothes and sAuee)e y body and hold tightly. Bh, ( !ant to ake love !ith you, ake love !ith you right no!, right here. Bnly aking love can !ipe out this loneliness. Bnly aking love can touch the soul. ( !ant you hold y body painfully tight. ( feel hurting !hen you sAuee)e y body like that, but at the sa e ti e ( feel contented. (t2s strange. 1leasure could be so painful. ( !ander around for !hole day. (n the big shopping all !atching people. (n the stagnant park !atching people. (n the eat arket !atching people. Lots leather here on people2s clothes. Even in the *tarbucks, the sofas are leather sofas. Co! co e so uch leathers being produced in this country0 A long day of leatherness. *it and !alk and drea . Eventually it co es to the evening. ( !alk back to ?laus flat. ,es, no istakes, the e9actly right street, and the e9actly right gate, and the e9actly right door nu ber. %ecause ( got this %erlin ap fro London, fro you. ( !onder !hen you have been to %erlin and !here you stayed. ,our life before is t!enty years ahead of e. $o !onder you have so any stories, so any secrets. ( press the doorbell, nobody co es. Again, and again, ( press it. -hen the door opens. ?laus looks terrible. Cis body leaning against the door and his knees al ost reaching the floor. Ce falls in front of e. Ce is in high fever. Ce vo it often. Ce has diarrhoea. Ce spits out !hen he co es back fro Ce is terribly ill. Ce even vo it up on bed before he rushes to toilet. bathroo . an

( a so scared. /hat happened0 Did he eat so ething bad0 /ill he die0 Although ( only kno! this nine hours on night train, ( have s all responsibility to his life no!. %ut !hat ( a going do0

( sit on his bed and give hi a glass of tap !ater. Ce drinks but straight goes to bathroo to spit out. Ce lies do!n on bed again, and says sorry to e. ( hold his hand. ( lie do!n beside hi and feel his body is like burning. -hen he rushes to toilet again. Do it, till nothing can be taken out fro his sto ach any ore.

Give

e a piece of paper, and a pen,H he says.

( find pen and paper on his table.

1lease, go out and buy

e this kind of !ater, !ith a red star and a lion on the label.H Ce !rites do!n the na e of the !ater4 Gerolsteiner *tille 8uelle. ( can2t believe !hat he !rote. /hat a Ger anI /ater can have such a co plicated na eI ( co e back !ith four big plastic bottle of !ater. Ce drinks. Gerolsteiner *tille 8uelle. *lo!ly. -hen he lies back to the bed, half sleep. ( return to bathroo to fetch a !et to!el, and fold it to put on his head. (t is very late, and ( a hungry. -he an lying on the bed is breathing difficultly. ( open fridge and decide boil the only t!o eggs. :inding the pot, filling the !ater, s!itch on the gas, putting in the eggsPLook, ( can ake so ething in this Ger an kitchen, though it2s unco fortable to cook in so e stranger2s ho e. -here are so e tea bags there, so ( ake tea. ( add so e sugar this ti e, as ( a too hungry. After eating t!o eggs !ith salt, ( co e back his bed. ( feel his te perature is still rising. ( get up to find his telephone. %ut ( don2t kno! !hich nu ber ( should dial. ===0 =110 ##10 1#50 (s %erlin syste like London or China0 ( give up the telephone and co e back to hi . ( take out the s!eat.soaked to!el on his forehead and cool it again in the cold !ater. ( a thinking one o ent he !as so tidy like his bachelor2s flat, but another o ent he is so essed and fucked up. ( don2t understand Ger ans. ( s!itch off the light and lie do!n beside this an. ( feel so tired by !alking around in %erlin !hole day. ( pull over bits of his duvet to cover 8uickly ( fall into y drea s. y body.

( a !aking up by his heat. (t is so hot. Ce is s!eaty and everything on the bed is !et and sticky. Ce says so ething not clear4

Can ( have so

e !aterP0H arathon.

Cis breathe is heavy and difficult, like he is running at the end of a -hen he says4 G( feel very very cold.H

( find another duvet in his !ardrobe. %ut no! ( a too hot under both these duvets. ( take off all y clothes, only have y pants left. And ( get into the bed again. <nderneath t!o covers of duvet, he hugs e, but still shivering. ( let hi hug e. ( see y leopard.pattern bra lying on the floor, and ( feel a bit strange. Cis face turns to e, and ur urs, very unclear4

*tay !ith

ePH not sleepy any ore. Ce lies beside orningP e, !ith the fever. ( hug hi . Ce holds y

( hear hi . And ( a naked body.

/e sleep like this, so close, until ne9t

-he second day, he is feeling better, but is too !eak go out. ( tidy the bathroo , flush the toilet, and clean the tissues by the bedside. Ce drank three bottle of !ater since last night, no! only one bottle left. ( ake so e tea, and add so e sugar in his cup. @y rocksack is still on the floor, !ithout opening it yet.

Do you kno! last night you said so (2

afraid ( can2t re e ber says, a little e barrassed.

ething to

e0H ( !ant to re ind hi , to find out. ind !as blo!n up. ( bit disappointed. e. -hank you so uch. ( thought ( ust look like shit,H he

uch about last night. @y

*o you don2t re (

e ber anything about last night0H ( a

re e ber ( asked you to buy so e !ater. And you looked after !as going to die.H

-hat2s B?. ( !as a bit scared, actually.H

Ce drinks his tea, slo!ly. ( don2t kno! !hat do ne9t. *hould ( leave0 *hould ( stay0 ( feel like !ant to stay !ith this an.

Do

you think yself.

aybe ( should spend

ore ti e in %erlin0H ( ask. ( !ish ( didn2t ask like that. ( hate

/ell,

( don2t kno!. (t is your decision. Look, thank you so uch for everything you did, especially considering you don2t even kno! e. -he thing is, ( have to go to the office this afternoonPH Ce looks distant to e fro last night. yself.

Do you think you

ight co e to London one day0H ( ask, keep hating

( don2t kno!,H he says vaguely. /hat about China0H ( think that2s very unlikelyPH Ce laughs.
-here is no reason for e to stay here in this bachelor2s flat any ore, not even stay in the city of %erlin. ( !ill leave %erlin right no!, i ediately. ( send you a postcard4 @y dearest, ( a leaving %erlin. ( really !ant to go do!n to so e!here ore !ar . ( don2t kno! if ( like to travel on y o!n. ( see all the lovers and fa ilies on the train they travel together on their holiday. :or e it is not a holiday, it is so ething like ho e!ork fro you to e. ( !ish you are happy. Love, your 7 (t is a postcard !ith the picture of %erlin /all. @essy dra!ing every!here on the !all. (t is ugly. *itting on bus to station, ( can still s ell y body having s!eat fro ?laus fever last night, and ( ask yself4 Did ( fall in love !ith hi 0 ( don2t kno! ?laus, the an in east %erlin, but ( feel close to hi . Look, no! ( have y o!n privacy, and ( don2t kno! if ( !ould tell you !hen ( co e back to London. Denice is the capital of the northeast (talian region of Deneto" built on 11J alluvial islets.

venice
( arrive in Denice after hours and hours sleeping on train. /alk out fro station, there are !aters every!here, or say, river, or should say canals. ( don2t kno! if these !aters are part of sea. %ut it is idnight, and very dark. %ad ti e. (t ean ( have to pay a hotel for over night staying, and ( don2t kno! !here a ( no!. ( hope ( can search t!enty.four.hour cafTe to kill the night before the orning starts, then ( can find hotel for to orro! ore easy. Bn the !all of *t. Lucia train station, there are so e posters hanging there, both in (talian and English, and also in characters like (ndia language. -he English says4 GDenice Asian Art and Culture :estival.H ( notice it is during this !eek. -hat a good thing for e. -here are several people also &ust co ing out fro station, and looking in ap. -hey argue so ething on the ap, probably argue in (talian, or aybe :rench, or aybe so e other Europe language ( not understand. A an in that group co es to y head. e4 G1arla (taliano0H ( shake

English0H ,es,H ( ans!er. Do you kno! !here is the party0H Ce looks friendly. /hat party0H ( say. ,ou
-he are not here for this Asian festival0 -here is party tonight. /e are going there no!. ( hope it2s not too late.H an speaks very unclear English, but he see s very keen on Asian.

$o, it !on2t be too late. (t !ill be too early,H one of his friends says. Co
(a e along !ith us if you !ant,H the an says. G/e can get you in.H hesitating. *hould ( go0 (f ( can2t find that t!enty.four.hour cafTe it could be a solution. e later0H ( say, putting on y heavy rocksack.

@aybe ( co

B?,H says the

Ce pass

an. G(f you decide to co e &ust tell the you kno! Andrea 1al io and they !ill let you in.H Cis friends are !aiting behind for hi to go. G%y the !ay, the place is called 1achuka, and you need to take the boat to LidoPH e piece of paper !ith the 1achuka na e on. -hen they disappear !ith his sincere voice. Lido0 ( kno! Lido Coliday (nn Cotel. (t is the very e9pensive hotel in %ei&ing and *hanghai. Bnly foreigners live there, and *tarbucks inside of those hotels in China. %ut, here, is the party also in Lido0 (s it posh hotel too0 /hy ( need take the boat to get there0 Confused by all these thoughts, ( !alk alone to the !aterbank, indecisive. @aybe ( should go and pretend ( a one of the fa ous Asian artists in the party. /esterners can2t tell the difference of a group of Chinese. (n their eyes, !e all look the sa e. ( decide ask so eone the !ay to thisLido. -aking the night boat, ( a heading to the other side of Denice. ( feel like living in the old ti e of south China, that people have to take boat to get to other places. ( a staring at the !ater. (s this the sea0 A real sea0 ( can2t even see colour of !ater in the dark. (t is very different the sea on pictures or in the fil . (t is also very different !hat you described e. ( don2t think anyone !ant s!i in this !ater. Also, the sea is being stopped again and again by the city. Co! could be possible a city still stands here !ithout sinking0 ( thought a sea is boundless. ( a disappointed. ( !ant tell you i ediately ho! (2 feeling no!. Chinese al!ays say /est culture is a blue culture, Chinese culture is yello! culture. -his because /est fro the sea, and China co es fro the yello! sand. ( don2t understand the sea. Bne hour later, ( stand in front of G1achuka.H :ro the outside it looks like a large restaurant or a night club. $eon lights every!here. -here are t!o very big en in the black suits, stopping everybody in front of the door. *o e fashionable looking (talian ans and high.heel !o ans get in, !ith the invitation tickets holding in their hands. -here are several (ndia !o ans dressed up like Aueens or princess, also get into the door. (t ust be a really posh place, ( !onder. ( a glad ( co e here. %ut right no! ( can2t re e ber that an2s na e. /hy /estern na es are so difficult re e ber0 *o ( !ander around the door !ith y rocksack on shoulders and try to recall that na e back. Antonia0 Anthony0 Andre!0 Ale9ander0 Antonioni0 /hich one sounds ore closer0 Encouraging -he door yself enor ously, ( !alk to the door an4 G@y friend asked e co e here. Ce is inside.H an ans!ers in very rude and bad English4 G*orry. (t is a private party.H

,es, ( kno!. %ut Antonia,

y friend invites e0H

e to co e, and he is &ust inside the party,H ( insist.

/hat2s your friend2s na

Anthony, no, Andre!. @aybe AntonioniP,ou kno! ( a country2s na e.H ( a e barrassed yself.

a Chinese and ( can2t pronounce your

/hat does your friend do0H Ce isPhe is the

don2t think he is a anager of the artists.H ( &ust open anager of the artists. y outh rando ly. ( don2t kno! hi at all, and ( inute later he

Bne of the door ans takes it a little serious and goes inside to ask so ebody. Bne co es out4

*orry, !e can2t let you in.H %ut he invites

e here. ( should get insideIH ( a pissed off.

*orry *ignorina,H the door

an says e otionlessly. G$o invitation, no entry. %asta.H

A posh car arrives, and three people co e out !ith strange costu es and shining shoes. -he bounce en say *ignori to the , and they !alk straight into the door. -he usic is loudly co ing out fro the party, and laughings. $obody !ants to take e in or even look at e a second. /hy ( don2t look like one of the Asian artists0 ( !ish ( !ear skirt, or so e old.fashioned stupid traditional Chinese costu es. ( !ander outside of the 1achuka like a !ild night dog, no !here to return. -hen ( see a very big and very long car arrives abruptly. *hit, it2s a CadillacI Co es out eight. ,es, one, t!o, three, four, five, si9, seven, eight young !o ans. All blonde, !ith shining long golden hair. -hey !ear the sa e iniskirt, and the sa e tight silver tops look &ust like bras. -he silver iniskirts are so short people can see half of their botto s. -hey are e9tre ely sli , shapey, and all !ear !hite high.heel long boots. -hey look like giraffes fro the sa e giraffe other. -hese se9y achines, leaded by a !o an anager, their high. heels click the sandy ground4 cha, cha, chaP-hey line up and one by one !alking into the door. -!o door ans fi9 their eyes on these girls body, like being deep fro)en, can2t ove. /hat are these se9 achines doing in this Gprivate partyH0 Lap dancing0 $one of the are Asians. Br they !ill &ust drink cha pagne !ith posh ans guests0 ( ust have stayed in front of door nearly an hour !atching all those fascinating guests. -hen ( see a ta9i co ing. And a an co es out fro the ta9i. -hat is hi , the an ( et t!o hours agoI /hy did he arrive so late0 Are (talian ans all like that0

AntoniaIH ( shout.
1erhaps right na e because he doesn2t correct shouting his na e. Ce !alks to e and apologise4 e, or aybe he didn2t understand ( a actually

( a

very sorry about this. @y friends changed their ind. -hey !anted to go so e!here else instead. (n fact, it !as better than this party. Let e take you to the other place.H Cis English accent is al ost inunderstandable.

All right.H
( don2t !ant to tell hi get into his ta9i. ( !ait here for so long. (t !ould be not cool to let hi kno!. *o ( follo! hi and (nside of ta9i, so close, ( can see his face clearly. Ce looks bit for al in his plain suit and black leather @ade.in.(taly shoes. Cis hair is very fe! in the iddle of his head. Ce see s sincerely but a little boring, if ( can &udge like that.

*o !hat you do0H ( ask. ( a

an avocado,H he replies. surprised to hear. (s a fruit also a &ob0 G1lease e9plain e,H ( ask.

Avocado0H ( a

(f you are going to be put into prison, you can hire AhPis like a la!yer0H

e to help you in the court,H he says.

,esI ,esI Avocado is la!yer.H Ce is pleased that ( understand. /hat about you0H he asks. ( a
P&ust a tourist. Actually ( a studying English.H

(n Denice0H Cis interests are aroused. $o. $o. *tudying English in England,H ( say. Bh, your English is good.H -hank you. %ut !hy you are to do !ith this Asian culture festival0H %ecause of ( see.H
$ot another avocadoI -he ta9i stops in front of a disco. %ehind the disco is really the open sea. (s like a big pond full of black ink. ( feel dangerous, as ( think it2s very easy to fall into that black pond. (t is a public disco, not Gprivate party.H (t is already #45+, the endless night. -he usic is so loud. A erican disco, it is too uch for e. Lots of teenagers dancing inside. ( !ant to leave i ediately. %ut Antonia pull y ar into the dancing floor, and ( see his friends are all there shaking their shoulders and tingling their heads. *o !e are dancing right in the iddle of the floor, everyone tripping over y rocksack, and y head being hit heavily every single second by the cra)y usic. Bh, ( can2t dance like that, this is not y culture. @y ove ents ust be really ugly. (t is a battle bet!een the violent usic and y boney body. And Antonia, he looks B?. Ce see s en&oying the usic. Cis dancing style is a bit serious, but ( a sure it better than ine. (a getting so bored. *o bored in the cro!ds. ( can &ust stand there and fall in sleep like a horse. e. Cis dancing al ost like a slo! !alking. y friend. Ce gives legal advice to this organisation so he said, K,ou ust co e along too.2H

Are you B?0H Antonia dances to!ards ( a 3eally0 /here you stay0H ( don2t have a place to stay yet.H

bit tired. Actually ( !ant to go,H ( say.

,ou don2t0 *o !here you are going to go no!0H Antonia is talkative in the e9tre ( don2t kno!.H /ell, if you !ant, you can stay in 3eally0H ,es, no proble
.H y hotel. @y roo has t!o beds.H

ely loud

usic.

MMM
-he ta9i puts us in the in front of us. iddle of no!here. *uburb, definitely suburb. -here is a very si ply looking hotel

Look, the sea is &ust over there.H

( look to !here Antonia is pointing but there is only inky darkness.

Do you see it0H he asks. ?ind of,H ( say.

Ce presses the door bell. ( feel e barrassed. (t is already half past four and if the hotel people kno! he brings a Chinese girl back, !hat they !ill think0 Ce presses the bell again.

,ou kno! the B?,H ( co

an inside, his ears are not very good,H he e9plains.

fort hi .

Eventually there is a very old an opens the door. Ce even doesn2t bother to raise his eyes to look. Ce says, G%uona seraH and then straight back to his roo to sleep.

Antonia2s roo is in ground floor, &ust by reception !ill discover e easily and sha e

ain door of hotel. ( a e.

thinking to orro!

orning the

Ce opens the roo , and s!itches on the light. -hen he shouts so ething like s!ear in (talian. Ce is scared.

/hat is it0H ( ask. -here are so

e little ani als here,H he shouts.

/here0H ( can2t see anything. CereI Look the floorIH Ce points. -here are so Bh, &ust so
e ants.H ( co fort hi e ants, big ants. -hey are oving around. !ith y shoes. again and start put y feets on the ants, crush the

Antonia looks disturbed deeply. Ce runs into bathroo ants !ith paper, and flushes the paper into toilet.

and pulls so e toilet paper out. Ce kills rest of

-here are t!o single beds. Ce didn2t cheat e at all. ( re ove all y clothes, only left under!ear. @y py&a as botto of rocksack and don2t !ant unpack. ( cover yself tightly !hile he is in toilet brushing and flushing. -!o inutes later he co es out and looks around for several seconds. Ce ust be surprised to see ho! Auick ( a inside of the duvet. -hen he asks4

*hould ( turn off the light0H ,es. *ee you to

orro!,H ( say. (n the darkness, ( hear his snoring Auickly co es. Conest snoring. ( can tell. ( a thinking he is Auite a nice.heart an, but so eho! he is not very interesting. Br aybe he is &ust nor al. ( count the hours to the orning. -!o hours later it !ill be a sunny orning, and ( !ill leave this da n island Lido and go to DeniceP ( a al ost fall sleep. -hinking of se9, no, ( a having a drea about se9. Lesbian se9, e and a !o an !ho has an unrecognisable face. @aybe she kisses e or touches y breast. -hen ( a suddenly a!ake. ( feel so ebody2s lips press y lips. ( open y eyes. Antonia is kissing e. Ce looks very stupid in the di light.

$o. Go to sleep, Antonia,H ( say. ( feel a little disgust. AntoniaI @y na

e is Andrea,H he says, then obediently, he goes back to bed. Ce looks funny. /ears a shorts but still !ith his !hite shirt. Cis t!o naked legs are a bit skinny and hairy. ( give up sleeping. ( can sleep anyti e in y forever <nli ited (nter.3ail train, so !hy !aste ti e here in Lido0 ( get up and dress up. ( brush y teeth and take all y belongs. Dery Auietly ( close the door behind e. -he orning is never been so bright and fresh to e. -he !ind is blo!ing y yello! skin. ( feel free. ( feel y body is entirely free. ( !alk to the seashore. -here are so e little boats are s!inging on the sea. -he sea is truly blue. 1ure blue like a drea . -he !ater is like a agnet, attracting y body to!ards it. ( agree !ith you, sea is beautiful.

( feel sad about /hy0H Everything feels e

y life,H you once said to

e.

pty and endless.H

/hat you !ant then0H ( !ant to find happiness.H ,ou can2t have happiness at all ti %ut ( don2t see any happiness in -hen !hat2s your -he sea.H
-hat !as our conversation one day, in our ho e in London. $o! it is like a replay. (t echoes above the !aves. -avira is situated in the southeast corner of 1ortugal" it is considered to be one of the to!ns of the Algarve region. ost picturesAue es. *o eti es you !ill be sad. Don2t you think0H y life.H

ost near happiness0H

tavira
A very slo! and old train, clink, clink, clinkPit is so slo! that it2s like ( a sitting on a real ti e achine. ( can feel the ti e oving in the space physically. (t is uch ore interesting than !atching clock. -he train oves along the south coast of 1ortugal. ( didn2t stay in @adrid or any!here in *pain because ( lost eighty euros !hen train stopped in @adrid. @aybe they are being stolen. ( didn2t feel like to stay in the big city any ore. (t is al!ays aggressive in the city. Cere, the train patiently takes e to -avira, a little to!n close to Atlantic Bcean, yello! sand every!here. But of the station ( find blocks of old residential houses, decayed in the hot sun. ( !alk to a corner cafTe bet!een t!o streets, !hite plastic tables and !hite chairs outside. ( sit do!n, breathe out, get rid of the stale and take in the fresh. *uddenly ( feel everything slo! do!n and stop. (n the shade of sun, t!o old local ans !ith very dark skin sit on the chair. -hey are s oking, Auiet, in the orning. -!o little tiny coffee cups are left e pty in front of the . Everything is bre!ing very thick in the early orning here, like the sun, !ith passionate bea s. -hey got a real sun here in their sky, not like in England. English sun is a fake sun, a literature sun. -he other side of the cafTe is a grocery shop. *o e vegetables and fruits are being sold. A young !o an standing outside, she see s ad, ( ean, real ad. *he keeps talking to nobody, and there is no anybody there at all, not even a !ild dog. *he !ears fleshly red lipsticks like she &ust drank a glass of blood. *o eti es a car passes by and she talks to the car. *trange, so eho! there is al!ays a ad !o an in any little to!n in the !orld. A young girl, looks like a backpacker, a tourist, !anders in the street. *he !ears a tight le on.colour -. shirt. Cer young lively breasts drag those old local an2s eyes. As she disappears into the end of the street, t!o old ans !ithdra! back their eyes, and both e9hale the s oke fro their ouths. (t ust be a pleasure for the , in the orning street, seeing a young active breast under the le on -.shirt. -he sunlight is like a knife cutting off the earth, half of the !orld is in the shado!, and the other half is bright. (t is like a black and !hite ovie, and everything is in slo! otion. -he sky is deadly blue, blue and blue. (n alley !ays, the old houses are silent, !ith rusty iron balcony and !ooden !indo!. -hey are sucking people2s soul. ( understand !hy so e foreigners travelled to a strange to!n for a short stay, but one onth passed by, and then three onths passed by, still there, and eventually ended up to live there for the rest of their life. -hat strange po!er, forces a person settle do!n a foreign land, !hatever ho! !ild he !as. ( can feel that strange po!er. (t is so ething opposite of adventure, so ething co es fro the living habits, and acceptance of onotonous, the onotonous of everyday2s life. *itting in this corner cafTe !ith old ans, ( a elted under the hot sun. @y body is losing its shape, and floating in the air. @y entirely e9istence is being sucked by a strange po!er. (t scares e. ( find roo on top floor of 3esidencia @ina. A budget hotel. -he roo is narro! but clean. /ith the beautiful sky light it feels light hearted. ( love this s all @editerranean.style hotel. *tanding on balcony ( can see the river !riggle and connect to the sea. -he sand is dark yello!, and the houses are colourful. -!o or three old ans sit on the bridge above the river, s oking, chatting. -he old streets, the green bushes, the sea birdsPAll these are e9posed under the sun. ( feel very close to the nature, the happy side of the nature. ( cli b the steps up to roof of hotel. (t is like a tropical garden, full of pot.planted pal trees and flo!ers. -he sea not far a!ay, shining in the distance. -here are several ferries carry people to the outskirt part of beach. (t is high noon, and the late su er sun is really hot. ( take off y shirt, letting y body naked. (t feel so good ( take off the rest of y clothes. @y soul is dancing. (f happiness is a brief atter, then ( a in this brief o ent. ( !onder !hether the sadness inside a hu an so eti es is &ust because of lack of sunlight. ( think of you, !hile ( a naked lying on the roof garden. /e used to ake love so often in your garden, by the fig tree. ( re e ber all those details of !hen !e !ere aking love. ( re e ber that you !ould take out y earrings before !e ake love. ( re e ber that they !ere al!ays ent!ined in y hair, very difficult to co e out, but you !ould try hard to re ove. -hat is you. -hat is one of the details ( !ill al!ays re e ber about you. <nconsciously, ( touch y earrings, but they are not there no!. ( a getting restless. ( feel y nipples getting hard. ( !ant to be e9posed and touched in the hot sunlight. ( think of book ( bought in the train station !hile ( !as bored !aiting4 /o en2s 1leasure or Co! to Cave an Brgas as Bften as ,ou /ant y skills0H asturbation skills4 8uestion4 GCo! do ( build up 1. %y doing it ore freAuently.

-here are t!o !ays in !hich you build up your

#. %y doing it in a variety of different situations. -his creates the se9ual versatility that is so i portant to your progress.

%elo! are fifteen different !ays of into four lessons. Lesson 14 @asturbation in private

asturbating that you can practise. -hese fifteen

ethods are divided

Lesson #4 @asturbation in se i.public Lesson 54 @asturbation in public Lesson 64 ( proving your ti ing @asturbating, ( never tried it before. $obody /estern !ould believe that ( never try to asturbate as a t!enty.four.year.old !o an. Br aybe ( did but ( didn2t kno! !hat ( !as doing. *e9 in y understanding eans so ething to do !ith a an, but not to do !ith yself. Caving se9 !ith oneself is like talking to oneself4 bit ad. /hen ( sa! that *oho peepshop, ( never thought to do !ith e. ( also believed no love then no se9. *e9 is an e9pression of love. %ut so eho! this idea is changing. $o! ( feel tortured by the desire inside y body, and ( feel strongly ho! uch this desire !anting to be fulfilled.

,ou should learn to play !ith your o!n clitoris.H Bnce you told
!e had &ust ade love. ,our hand touched ( re e ber this conversation. %ut ( never did it !ith have to0

e this on the bed. /e !ere naked, and

y body. G(f you !ant to have an orgas , you should touch yourself here.H yself, because ( !as al!ays !ith you. /hy do ( y skin. -he leaves rustle in the

Bn the roof of 3esidencia @ina, through the trees, the sun penetrates ild !ind. ( start to touch yself.

-he &uice flo!s fro y cave, and y fingers touch y hidden lips. <p and do!n. A great urge co ing over e like a high tide flooding y body. -he only thing ( can see is the blue sky. -he deep blue, like a boundless sea. -he dry leaves under y skin are !et fro y desire. @y body starts to shake. @y breath gets difficult. @y cave !ants to devour so ething. ( !ant to shout. (t is al ost painful, ( feel like crying. And ( screa . Bn y o!n. /ith yself. ( did it. (t is like drea . y entire life, ( ca e by yself. an. no! do inates yself, !ithout depending on a :or the first ti e in ( can be on

y o!n. ( can. ( can rely on

:aro is the capital of the Algarve region and the southern ost to!n in 1ortugal" touris the econo y. classNObookbodyO

faro
-he train fro :aro to Lisbon !ill depart at 145+ in the afternoon. (t2s t!elve o2clock no!. ( learned :aro is a resort to!n. :ro the dictionary the resort place ust be a very nice place, but in reality it is the opposite. :aro is very concrete. Al ost ugly. /hat should ( do in little resort to kill one and half an hour0 ( !alk around the train station !ith y rocksack on y back. -he sea is &ust by the train station. %ut this sea s ells bad. %et!een the sea and the inner land is an industry space, no beach. -he rocks nearby the shore are dirty, polluted. (t s ells pee or so ething unpleasant. %ut so e seagulls still convolute there. ( feel sorry for those seagulls. ( !alk back to the street nearby the train station. 1eople sitting outside of cafTes looks at e. ( can feel their curiosity to e. ( bet there is fe! Chinese people co e to this to!n. /hat is like looking this Chinese girl through their eyes0 /ithout a co panion !ith her, lost herself in the street, doesn2t kno! !hat to do about her lifePBr aybe they &ust think of Chinese food !hen they see e. 1#45+, still have one hour left to go to Lisbon. ( sit outside of a cafTe, having a s all cup of bitter espresso. Co! any cups of espresso the 1ortuguese have in one day0 /hat is like if one2s body full of caffeine and sugar and nicotine and Coca Cola0 /ill it bring too uch passion0 /ill the life be ore energetic0 -he espresso cup is dried up. ( start to read Lonely 1lanet on Lisbon !ith y s all Concise dictionary. -he an in the nearby table is drinking the second cup of espresso. ( a a!are his !atching on e. Ce is lighting a cigarettes no!. Ce looks at the street, and then the blue sky, and e again. $o! he stands and co es to e, and he sits on the chair very near to e. Ce says4 GCan you understand it0H

<nderstand !hat0H

( close y guide book and look at hi . Ce see s a very physical person, aybe he does lo! &obs. %ut he can speak good English. Ce is short, dark, energetic, solid strong body, broad chest, i pressive face, intensive bro!n eyes.

<nderstand the language. %ecause you are checking the dictionary all the ti
(nside of his outh, so ething strange. *o e teeth a foreigner.H ( a issing there.

e.H

/ell, you kno!, ( a Don2t B?,H Co!

a little e barrassed. y

read the book. Look at the vie!. ,ou should see it, not read the guide book.H Ce surveys books. -here is :ernando 1essoa2s %ook of DisAuiet lies on top. ( say. Ce is definitely fro doesn2t read any book at all.

local. ( !onder if he reads :ernando 1essoa. Ce looks like a person

any days you are going to stay in :aro0H he asks. ore. ( &ust ca e here for taking train to Lisbon, in one hour.H ents. -here are no needs to develop ore connection fro his side, (

$ot any

%y hearing this, he has no co guess. co e back0H ( ask.

Do you kno! !here is the old to!n of :aro0 Do you think ( can have ti $ot very far. (f you !ant ( can take you to there.H Don2t you have anything to do0H $ot
today. Co e !ith y bag.

e to !alk there in one hour and

e.H Ce stands up and goes to pay the bill. ( stand up as !ell, put

y books in

As ( follo! hi , ( look his back. A very physical anly back. A little short. A very earthy person. ( !onder if he !orks in a local restaurant, or !orks on a !ine factory, or aybe he is a sailor, a carpenter, a trolley driverP -he old to!n of :aro is nothing very special, e9cept for the old slipperly cobblestone ground. ( like these cobblestones, they !ere being grind so s ooth by thousands of illions people2s foot through centuries. -hey got stories in the . -hen !e !alk into an old sAuare. -his an !ants to sho! e the church. %ut the old church is closed today, so does the useu . Do people not !orking here in the afternoon ti e0 Bnly a s all souvenir shop opened, selling so e postcards about :aro in the nineteenth century. -he iddle.day sunlight is strong. /e !ant buy ice cokes fro that souvenir shop. Ce only pays his coke, ( notice. Bf course, it is fair for hi . /e drink ice coke, !ander on the e pty cobblestone sAuare.

(2ll take you to the seaside, then you can go back to the train station.H Ce !alks beside ( already !ent there. (t is not very beautiful.H ( !ant to be honest. $o, believe B?.H
Ce takes y heavy rocksack, and puts it on his back. e. (2ll take you to a nice place.H

e.

/e !alk along the seashore beside the rail!ay. A arsh is &ust in front of us. (t is uddy, and dirty. -he arsh reflects the high noon2s sunlight. (t looks bi)arre and dangerous. -here is so ething very strange bet!een hi and e. Ce is al ost too kind, too rando , !ithout any goal in his daily life. At the sa e ti e he is also very se9ual. ( don2t kno! !here this se9ual feeling e9actly fro , aybe fro his very physical looking. Br aybe this se9ual feeling fro yself, fro y aloneness. @y body is !aiting for so ething, and so ething has to co e out under the intensive sun. Ce takes y hand, and ( don2t refuse at all. ( don2t kno! !hy. Ce holds y hand into his hand so tight that in one inute our pal s are s!eaty. ( could feel there is so ething strong inside of his body. %ut ( a not sure if ( en&oy this inti acy. ( a a bit confused. /e !alk side by side like t!o longter friends. ( kno! ( don2t love hi at all, and aybe ( even don2t like hi , but so eho! ( desire hi . (t is strange. @aybe the ore people live close to the south, the ore they are talkative. -hey have to take out the e9tra energy inside of their bodies fro the sun. $o! he is doing a onologue4

( don2t like :aro, you kno!. (t is not as nice as other places in 1ortugal. (t is full of English people. :ood is

e9pensive, and everything is for tourists. %ut !hy ( a here0 /hy ( a sitting here doing nothing0 %ecause ( lost y four teeth, si9 years ago. :ourI Can you see here0 A otorbike accident. A big accident. ( had three otorbikes before, you kno!. %ut not any ore, since ( sold the all. ( a not going to touch otorbikes any ore. ( !ould die if ( ride otorbike again. ( have been !aiting for the edical

insurance to fi9 y teeth for si9 years. *i9 yearsI Can you believe it0 %astardsI -hings are so slo! in this countryI 1apers and papers. :inally it is arranged. -hat2s !hy ( ca e back here, to get y teeth done. ( !orked in Ger any. Look up here, can you see here0 -hese t!o teeth0 -hey2ll take out these t!o fro the upper &a!, and ( a going to have y ne! teeth, si9 ne! teeth.H ( look at his teeth again, !ith y ne! eyes. (t is really i pressive. Co! a person left the e pty0I Does his tongue feel cold0 outh so

%ut !hy you !ere in Ger ( !orked in Ger

any0H ( ask.

any, you kno!, in Cologne. ( !as a chef. ,ou kno! !hat a chef is, don2t you0 ( cooked for people. Cologne is a good place, yes, the people are friendly there. ( earned good oney in Cologne. ,ou kno!, the econo y is no good in this country, only the !eather is good herePH Bur hands still hold together. /e stop under a pal tree. *o e e pty coke tins, e pty crisps bags spread around the tree. -here are rocks by our feet, but covered by the dead s all fish and dry !eeds. *o uch polluted, it s ells horrible. Ce leads e against the tree, and hugs e, and kisses y neck. -hen kisses y ears. Cis lips are hot. And his tongue is strong, al ost violent. ( don2t refuse hi . @aybe ( also !ant it. -hen he touches y breasts. Ce presses his pal on y lo!er body. Cis breathing beco es strong and heavy. ( hug hi too. And ( can feel his heart beating fast. -he sun, the s!eat, the salty !ind, the stinking air, everything is sti ulating our desires. ( say4 G( think ( !ant to have se9 !ith you.H -his an takes !hat ( said. And everything co es rapidly and naturally. :inding a piece of flat rock, ( un)ip y &eans, and ( sit on top of that piece of hot rock, !ith y naked crotch. Ce kneels do!n and he buries hi self bet!een y legs. (t is so !et, everything is so !et, y crotch, his tongue, his s!eaty skin, and y striped under!ear. (t is like the tide, a strong tide co es taking people a!ay fro the beach. Cis hands reach his &eans, and untie the button at the sa e ti e.

%ut

no plugging in. 1lease.H ( don2t kno! ho! to say that. And ( a suddenly scared by !hat !e are doing4 G$o. ( don2t !ant that. ;ust using sucking e. 1lease, please,H ( beg hi . ( &ust realise ( don2t !ant he enter into y body. $o. (t !ould disgust e so uch. y %ut he couldn2t control hi self any ore. Ce takes out his penis fro body, rough, al ost violent. his &eans and pushes it into

( a leaning on the rock. ( feel se9y but ( also feel disgusting at the sa e ti e. -he sunlight akes e headache. ( can2t breathe. *o eho! ( despise hi doing that. -hen he co es. Ce co es like a bull. Ce pulls out, the sper dripping on the burning rocks. Cis face is co pletely red. ( !ill never trust this an again ( tell yself. $othing !ill be bet!een hi any ore, ( s!ear to yself. ( feel a strong guilt, and danger. ( despise yself. and e any ore. $ot

/e put on clothes, and the dirty feeling of y body is over!hel ing. (t sticks on y skin, y under!ears, y &eans, and y !hite -.shirt. (t is under y skin. And the sea see s even dirtier and even ore polluted than before. E pty plastic bottles half buried in the sand. %lack plastic bags floating on the foa ing sea !ater. ( &ust !ant to leave this place, leave hi , as Auick as possible. -he train is ready to leave. Ce is standing behind e in the train station cafTe. ( !ant to buy so e !ater, and ( !ant to find a place like a toilet can !ash yself. ( can2t stand the dirt on y skin, and ( can2t stand the strange s ell fro his body. Cis clothes s ells of strong perfu e. ( can2t stand it for one ore second. (t akes e vo it. %ut as the train approaches into the sight in the distance, he suddenly says4

*o

ething very bad happened.H

/hat0H Look here.H Ce turns around and sho!s

pocket. e the back pocket of his &eans. -here is a hole underneath the

( &ust lost fifty euros,H he says, !ith a !orried tone.

( look at hi . Cis face is covered by e ptiness and vagueness. ( think of !hat he &ust said. Ce !as Auite cool before, or say half an hour ago. $o! he beco es very !eak, suddenly. /hen ( et hi , ( thought he !as &ust a nor al local an having espresso in a cafTe. ( thought he !as &ust as si ple and happy as the !eather in 1ortugal. %ut no! ( don2t kno! !hat to feel any ore.

$o! ( can2t even buy a bus ticket to go back ho

-he train arrives and the door is opened.

e,H he says. Cis hand is still on his pocket !ith a hole.

/hat should ( say about that hole0 /hat should ( do about this strange fifty euros0 $o, don2t start to think. Don2t start to talk about it. ;ust leave this topic. Don2t ask, don2t say anything ore. ( take y rocksack fro his shoulders, and ( !alk to the platfor !ithout hesitation.

%ye,H ( say, !ith a cold s

ile.

( step on the train. Don2t look back. Don2t look back no!. -he door is closed behind that2s it.

e, thanks God. And y clothes, y

( !alk straight to the toilet on the train. ( unload y bags on the floor of toilet. ( re ove &eans, y pants. And ( turn on the tap. ( !ash yself co pletely.

Dublin is the capital and largest city of the 3epublic of (reland in the east.central part of the country on the (rish *ea.

dublin
Dublin, y last stop. ( fle! Dublin. ( a not in Continent any ore. -his is the ost !estern place ( ever been in y life. ( never been to *tates, and an!ay ( don2t kno! if *tates is ore !est than Europe since the earth is round. /hen ( !as in China, ( thought Dublin is in the iddle of %erlin, because that2s ho! Chinese translated the !ord G Dublin.H Also ( thought London in the iddle of the !hole Europe, because %ritain sounds so big4 Gthe e pire on !hich the sun !ill never set.H *o London ust be in the centre Europe &ust like Chinese character for China, G

,H it

eans a country in the centre of the !orld. the start.( a being stopped at the custo s in the Dublin airport. e seriously. igration officer sitting in the glass bo9 asks

( have so e difficulties fro

Do you have a visa0H the i

(s he blind or so ething0 Can he not see those i portant sta ps on big confidence4 GBf course ( have visa.H

y passport0 ( stare at hi , !ith

/here is it0H Ce thro!s

y passport on the table. y passport back and open page !here ( got *chengen Disa

( a a bit annoyed by this /esterner. ( grab sta p.

Cere it isIH ( point the visa to the blind

(a

an. GCan2t you see it is a *chengen visa0H an in very sober voice.

%ut !e are not in a *chengen country,H says the -hat doesn2t

-he

confused4 G%ut ( !as told that your (rish use euros, &ust like in :rance, or Ger anyIH ean !e are a *chengen country. ,ou need a visa to co e into this country.H y <? visa. 8uickly ( find page !here ( have y

:or one o ent ( really scared. -hen ( re e ber student visa sta p fro <? E bassy. ( a so clever. Ce thro!s y passport on the table again.

an looks at the visa one second only and says, G/e are not part of the %ritish E pire either.H

( stare at that officer and don2t kno! !hat to do. /ill they send e back to the <?0 Br !ill they send e back to China, straight a!ay0 ( don2t have return ticket. (f no! they send e back, !ill ( need to pay the air tickets0 Br !ill they pay the fee0 ( a standing in the corner of the Custo s, all the passengers passed by, and ne! passengers fro so e other strange countries all left too. ( a re ained alone. After a !hile, ( see the officer gives y passport to a ne! officer, then he leaves. -his ne! officer is a very kind an, probably he is fro less. !est.country. Ce lets e fill a for , then he checks through the for . And then he lets e stand in front of the ca era. ( never notice there is a ca era underneath the glass bo9 of the custo sI ( stand there and try to s ile and being innocent. -he nice an says B?, and he sta ps on y passport.

/hat is that sta (t

p0H ( a

so !orried that he sta ps so ething terrible, terrible for

y future. e back the

eans ne9t ti e, if you co e to (reland !ithout a visa, you !ill be illegal.H Ce gives passport !ith a black sta p allo!ing e short.period stay provided no !orking.

Do you understand0H the officer asks. ,es. ,es. -hanks you.H

( hold the passport like holding rest of y life. /alking around Dublin ( lost yself again. ( a !andering in a park.*t. *tephen2s Green. -here is a lake in the park, and so e s!ans live there. -here are also so e !eird birds !ith green neck s!i ing on the !ater. -he rain arrives, it is like rain curtain. (t rains intensely. $obody, no any plants, no any single

leafs, can avoid the adness of the rain. ( run out of the park. %y the park, there is a hotel called -he *hel.bourne Cotel. ( !alk in. -he hotel is unbelievabal. *o ebody plays piano in the lobby. -here is a fireplace, or no, t!o in the ground lobby. -he fire is burning. ( stare at the fire. ( love !atching fire, better than -D.the !ay it changes the shape all the ti e. -he burning things inside are not like coal, or charcoal, or !ood. (t is a kind of black, long sAuare piece of bar. ( never see that before. ( sit do!n on the old.soft.posh.ar . chaired sofa and feel the fire sucks y !etness fro the rain.

E9cuse

e, do you kno! !hat is this stuff burning in the fire0H ( ask an old gentle an on ne9t sofa. Ce is in black bo!ler hat and dark coat, !ith his tall black u brella. Ce is like fro *herlock Col es story, an old detective.

( beg your pardon0H the old Ah, those are briAuettes, /e also call it peat,

an says.

,ou kno! this stuff, the stuff is burning, !hat do you call that0H ( point to the fireplace.
y dear,H the old an ans!ers proudly.

%riAuettes0H /hy it sounds like a :rench bread0

y dear,H the old an adds, Gor turf.H -he old an look at y deeply confused face. Ce gets up to perfor for e, to help e to understand4 G(n the old ti es !e in (reland used spades to cut the turf. -hen !e2d dry it.H Ce is doing the gesture of digging and chopping. -he old an has very strong accent, and y English listening co prehension beco es hopeless. ply call it Gblack burning stuffsH0

-urfH or G-ofuH0 ( don2t understand this !ord. /hy they don2t si

A young handso e !aiter co es !ith a enu.

/ould you like to order so ,es,

ething0H the !aiter asks politely. ;apan or *ingapore. ( shall leave here as

sure.H Bf course, ( have to pretend so ebody posh fro soon as y clothes are dried up. -he !aiter gives e a big book of enu.

-he old an pays the bill. Ce takes his tall.huge.old u brella and salute !ith his black bo!ler hat to GGood bye, young lady.H

e4

:ive days in (reland, ( a lying on bed inside of youth hostel &ust reading (nti acy. *o eti es ( look up in the dictionary, but the ore ( read, the less ( care the ne! !ords like -hatcherites and -erpsichorean. ( don2t care !hat they ean. ( understand the !hole story co pletely any!ay !ithout dictionary. (n that book, !hat the an !ants fro his !ife is the inti acy, but his !ife doesn2t give it to hi . *o he leaves for a ne! lover, for a ne!, passionate life. Don2t you kno! that all ( !ant is be inti ate !ith you0 (n Dublin, that orning ( finish reading the last page of the book, ( decide go back London as Auickly as possible. ( a tired of travel. ( a longing to see you. ( Auickly pack y bag in the youth hostel and ( !alk out of this place !here full of loud university students and hippies. 1erhaps these people don2t need inti acy, or they have got it enough, or it !orth nothing to the !hile they listen i.pod and dance in the clubs all night long.

self
self EselfF n. 1. distinct individuality or identity of a person or thing" #. one2s basic nature" 5. one2s o!n !elfare or interests. -he plane touches do!n at London *tansted airport. (t is afternoon. Butside is raining, di as usual. ( a standing by the luggage belt, !aiting for y rocksack. Cas it gone to Los Angeles or Delhi or so ething0 Everybody took their luggages but ine doesn2t co e. Al ost an hour later, last person took his suitcase fro the belt. ( go to the GLost LuggageH counter to report. A contact e. Luckily, ( have y passport !ith e. an apologises to e and says he !ill find out and

,ou are not !aiting eet e so ( take train to ho e. ( have nothing to bring back fro y travel. ( lost y Dubliners, lost y :ernando 1essoa, lost (nti acy. ( also lost all the aps you gave to e. And ( lost y toothbrush, lost y clothes and lost y address book. ( only have the stories that happened in an

East %erlin flat, in A sterda heart and y skin.

under the !isteria tree, on the Lido in Denice, in :aroP-hey stay in

London evening4 everything co es back to e Auickly. -he slo! and noisy tube, the oily fish and chip shop, the di and cro!ded pubs, the raining streets !ith people !aiting for their never.co ing bus. London is such a desolate place. -he house is e pty. %ut every!here s ells of you. And there is uch ess. All your tools are on the floor. And your bags of clay and plaster are piled up in the living roo . (n the kitchen ( find a line of dirty tea cups on the table and there is a sculpture of a bath, ade fro plastic, lying in the iddle of the floor. (t is aking &oke of e. Bnly the plants are living Auietly in the garden. -he fruit tree !ithout flo!er stands there, still holding the peace of the garden. -here are yello! leafs every!here covering your sculptures. ( pick up one fig. (t is al ost rotten and the &uice i ediately co es out. ( taste it, very s!eet. -he seeds are sandy in y outh. (n these !eeks ( a absent, nature changed so uch. Every plant has a different shape. And you0 (n these five !eeks, has anything changed on you0 ( turn on the radio. /eather report, as i portant as yesterday and to orro!. A tone like he &ust kne! England lost football atch4 an talks !ith a very lo!

-he rest of today !ill be overcast, !ith rain predicted for

of occasional sunshine so let2s keep our fingers crossedPH ,es. Let2s keep our fingers crossed.

uch of the !eekend. -here2s a s all chance

( !ash all the tea cups, and all the dirty plates. ( s!eep the floor, and ( let your sculptures lean against the !all. ( put all your socks and s elly shirts into the !ashing achine. ( tidy your table. -hen ( sit and ( !ait. /hen the last bea of light in the sky has disappeared, you co e back ho e !ith a bunch of your friends. ,ou hug e, say hello to e, &ust like you !ould hug and hello another friend. -hen everybody sits do!n, s oking cigarettes, having tea, talking English &okes, and laughing loudly. ( never could understand &okes. And ( kno! you hate s okers, but no! you let your friends s oke every!here in the house. :riendship. A respectful ter . ( try to &oin in the conversation, but it is frustrating. ,our friends are talking about transse9ual surgery, turning a person fro ale to fe ale. Bne !o an has very heavy ake.up and long blonde curly hair. %ut there2s so ething strange about her, she so eho! looks very anly. 1robably she !as a an before. Co! do ( kno!. *he is an e9pert4

(s he sure about it0 ( tell you, darling, if he really !ants to do it, then he should get it done in the *tates.
( can give hi all the contacts, and a breakdo!n of the costs.H

*o, ho! /ell,

uch does it !ork out at0H one of your friends is eager to kno!.

Dr. %ro!nstein2s fee is about W>,>'+, and the *urgical :acility fee is around W5,+++Pbut then there2s a !hole list of other shit.the Anaesthesia costs W>++PH

%loody hellIH the eager one says. *o, tell us a bit /ell,
(a ore about the surgery,H another asks. a9i al it2s a pretty co plicated process. -he doctor has to create a vagina, and !ork out the clitoral and vaginal sensation, but ini ising scarsPH chopping so e carrots and try to follo! the conversation. -he carrots are so hard.

( listen, and listen, and listen carefully, ( even stop chopping carrots. %ut in the end ( a lost. ( a an outsider. And nobody can deny this. ( a &ust so ebody2s peasant !ife. ( feel lonely. ( &ust !ant to talk to you, !ithout the others here. ( feel like all the e9pectation ( collected on the &ourney is going to no!here. ( a getting bitter. ( doubt if y absence of five !eeks in this house affect you at all. /hile they carry on their intense conversation about transse9ual, ( tell you that ( lost lost all your aps. ,ou say never ind, you don2t need those aps any ore. Bne of your friends heard ( &ust ca e back fro Europe. y rocksack. And (

*o you !ent to Dublin0H ,es.H Co! !as it0H (t !as good.H

Another person says4

Co! !as 1aris0H 1aris !as good,H ( ans!er.

-he third person asks4

Did you like Denice0H ,es, ( did.H -hat2s good,H she replies.
(s that ho! English people speak0 (f so, then ( ust be a bit English no!. Eventually all your friends leave. Bnly the trails of s oke drift around the ceiling, and e pty glasses stay on the table. Cere !e are, face to face, only t!o of us. ,ou put the kettle on, and sit do!n to!ards e.

*o, ho! are you, $o.H Are you sure0H ,es. (f you !ant so B?.H ,ou look at
front line.

y darling0 Do you !ant a cup of tea0H

e then you have so e. ( don2t !ant any.H e, and observe the ood on y face.

,ou love lots of people, but ( only love you.H ( speak, painfully. ( &ust !ant to push the sub&ect right to the /hat2s the proble ( don2t feel that inti /hy not0H ( don2t kno!. (t feels like you don2t really need
ca e back here.H e, and you never really needed the sa e person as before.H e. ( don2t kno! !hy ( no!0 Don2t you think ( love you0H acy !ith you like before.H

/hat do you %ut

ean0 $othing has changed. (2

( feel you are cold. /e haven2t ade love for such a long ti e but you didn2t even kiss e !hen you !alked through the door. ( issed you so uch, ( !rote you e ails everyday as possible as ( can, but ho! any e ails did you !rite to e in the last !hole onth0 Bnly fiveI ,ou kne! ( !ould be back tonight but you still brought your friends. Didn2t you !ant to be !ith your lover privately0 Are your friends ore i portant than your lover0H (a so angry. ( can see y anger every!here in the house. ean ( have to abandon y friends. ( think you are being a bit y

Bf

course ( love you. %ut that doesn2t selfish,H you say.

-hank

youI ,es, ( a a very selfish person. ( a lover after five !eeks travelIH

so selfish that ( !ant to have a Auiet night !ith

( try hold y anger back. ( don2t kno! !hat ( can say. ( kno! you didn2t have se9 !ith anybody !hen ( !as a!ay, and ( a the one did all these essy things. Co! can ( bla e you0 %ut at the sa e ti e ( feel so disappointed about you.

( don2t think ( a

a special one to you at all,H ( shout. y clothes. And ( clean yself a!ay fro all those

( !alk into the bathroo . ( turn on the bath. ( take off dusts.

-he night !hen our bodies lie do!n side by side, ( feel ( a detached. /e are not one body any ore. -his is the first ti e ( feel this. -here is a big obsessed GselfH separating itself fro y body and looking at your body. Even !hen !e ake love, even !hen your body is deeply in y bodyP /e Chinese are not encouraged to use the !ord GselfH so often. -he old co rades in the !ork unit !ould say, ho! can you think of GselfH ost of the ti e but not about others and the !hole society0 -he GselfH is against GgroupH and Gcollectivis .H -he GselfH is the ene y of the Co unist party. (n iddle school !e !ere taught Gthe ost ad irable personH should forget about hi self, shouldn2t satisfy his o!n needs. ( re e ber in y iddle school !hole class !ent to the Bld 1eople2s Couse every :riday afternoon. (t !as a big place for old lonely people to stay, but also abandoned babies !ere being raised there. -he

babies !ere al!ays girls, girls !ho had been found in the rubbish bin or in the street. ( re e ber there !ere lots of tiny babies sleeping in one roo . /e brought our soaps and basins fro ho e, to !ash the nappies and clothes. ( re e ber several baby girls have strange !hite spotted skin and !hite hair. /e !ere frightened to see that. /e !ere told these babies had a special skin disease. /e !ere scared to touch the in case our body turned to !hite too. And ( re e ber t!o babies !ith strange shapes of the body. -heir fingers !ere bound together, one of the legs t!isted like vines. ( !as horrified. %ut it taught us to understand other ankind2s iseries and sufferings" to understand ho! lucky !e are co pare !ith these hopeless people. %ut here, in this rainy old capitalis country, GselfH eans everything, GselfH is the original creativity for everything. Art, business, fashion, society syste , all deeply depend on this Gself.H -he connection bet!een the !orld and GselfH is so strong. G*elfH !orks incredibly !ell.

abortion
abortion n. 1. operation to end a pregnancy" #. infor al so ething grotesAue.

@y period still didn2t co e. ( !ait one !eek. -hen t!o. $ot a single drop of blood. (n a vague afternoon, ( decide to go to the phar acy buy a pregnancy test bo9. ( co e back ho e and you are not here. ( shall find out on y o!n. -he blue sy bol sho!s a cross4 positive. Colding the pregnant test sa ple in y hand, ( don2t kno! if this baby is fro look at that cross again and y body feels so dirty. ( !ant to !ash yself. you. ( really don2t kno!. (

( !ait the !hole day for you to co e back ho e. /hen you co e back in the evening, ( tell you. ( say ( need to go to hospital and have an abortion. As Auick as possible. *urprisingly, you don2t say anything. ,ou don2t even ask !hen it happened, and you don2t even ask if it is fro you. ,ou &ust look at e !ith sad face and ( start to cry. ,ou put your ar s around e and hold e tight. :ive days later you drive e to a clinic in 3ich ond, !ith your broken !hite van. /e stop in a petrol station. (s it very far a!ay0 ( ask. $ot very far, you ans!er, !e !ill get there soon. ,our van is old but it is never really totally broken do!n. Cigh!ay. *o any cars. *o any traffic lights. ( feel di))y. Everything goes fu))y. ( don2t kno! !hat you are thinking about this baby ight be yours. All ( kno! is you hold y hand very tight, only let go change gear. ( feel you are only stable thing to e. ,ou are y life.

MMM
( !ake up on a !heel bed, !ithout feeling anything unusual. ( eat the orange and biscuits the nurse gives to e. ( put on y coat and find y shoes back. $o ore fear any ore, only the sorro! of e ptiness. ( !alk slo!ly back to the resting roo . ( see you. ,ou stand up fro piles of ne!spaper, !alk to!ards e.

nostalgia
nostalgia n. senti ental longing for the past.

,ou need nourish

ent,H you say to

e.

*o you buy lots of food for e fro -escos. -he baby is gone so ( shall eat a lot to fill the e ptiness. *alad, shri p, fried chickensPEverything on the back of the package is G1roduced for -esco *tores Ltd.H (n y ho eto!n, !hen a !o an has abortion, her other cooks eel ginger soup, or a soup ade fro dates and lotus seeds. %ut not here. Cere, -esco packages look after you. ,ou are cooking so e obscure pie for it says4 Even 3eal @en Eat 8uicheI e. (t is called A.u.i.c.h.e. ( have never seen it before. Bn the bag

8uiche, A.u.i.c.h.e. ( can2t believe it !hen ( a s!allo!ing this piece of shapeless hot stuff. *uch an a biguous piece of food. -otally for less. ( !onder about !hat y parents !ould say if one day they co e to this country, and they eat this. @y other probably !ill say4 G(t is like eating so ething fro other people2s outh.H And y father !ill say4 G(t ust be left fro earlier eal so they re.cook it but inside are already essed up.H ( !ill agree !ith y father4 it is a piece of big ess indeed. ,ou tell e it is actually fro :rance. ( don2t believe you. ( think the English are too asha ed to ackno!ledge it is their food. *o they say it is :rench to defend the self. %ut, in the evening, you cook a fish for e. $ot cod, not seabass, not any typical English fish. (t is a silver carp. (t is like y ho eto!n2s fish. (t s ells of the river nearby our house. ( re e ber ( studied a !ord before, and ( re e ber ho! to pronounce this !ord. $o.stal.gia. Eating carp causes y nostalgia.

age
age n. 1. the length of ti e a person or thing has e9isted" #. the ti e of life" 5. the latter part of hu an life" 6. a period of history" '. a long ti e.

-oday !hen you unload so e bo9 fro your van, you beco e e9tre ely tired. ,ou beco e really old. /e used to look like five years difference in other people2s eye, but no! obvious t!enty years gap bet!een us. -his akes e feel a little sad about you. ,ou look at e, a s all s ile. -here is a shado! underneath your eyes. @aybe it is e ade you old. ( not go out earn live. And ( al!ays de and love fro you. ( de and love by sho!ing y vulnerability, again and again. ( re e ber at the beginning of us, you have a perfect hair. %ut no!, there is a bit grey hidden behind your ears. And your !rinkles, they are at the corner of your eyes. *o eti es ( !onder if you sa! these !rinkles, if you sa! your grey hair hidden behind your ears. ,ou used to believe in totally individual life, no fa ily, no arriage. ,ou used to think that a personality could never be change. %ut recently you said, G1eople do change, they al!ays change.H Look at no!. ,ou are forced by y vulnerable to sho! a solid love to e, to sho! a practical love to e. *ince abortion you try hard to keep a fa ily !ith e, by doing the practical things. ,ou are tired, physically, and aybe spiritually as !ell. (s this the love ( !ant fro you0 @aybe ( al!ays !ant you beco e old, al!ays !ant your char of others disappear. *o you !ould be !eaker. -hen !e could be eAual. in front

( !alk to!ards to your van, and ( help you to ove the bo9es !hich are full of bottles of !ines. -hese bo9es !ill be delivered to so e shops in t!o days. -he bo9 is heavy. ,ou !ill not leave in the van, because gangs in Cackney s ashed your van and tried to steal !hatever they could steal. ,ou can2t trust people here, you said. /e carry the bo9 into kitchen, and put on ground, carefully and slo!ly.

/hy you have to do this kind of &ob0 /hy don2t you try hard sell your sculptures0H ( ask. G/hy you need Listen, !hy can2t you &ust shut up for once and let
e do y o!n thing,H you say.

al!ays ore oney0 ,ou o!n your house. (s that not enough0H ( continue. G(f big proble , !e can &ust ove to China !here your /est oney ake you rich.H

( hate yself being so needy. -he !ay ( !ant of love, is like a hard toothbrush try to brush bad teeth, then it ends up bleeding. -he harder ( try, ore blood co es out. %ut ( believe love can cure everything, and eventually the teeth !ill not bleeding any ore. ( still think love is the hope, of everything.

;ust the t!o of us, !e can

us, you and (PH -he

ake it if !e try. ;ust the t!o of us, building castles in the sky. ;ust the t!o of neighbour2s !indo!.

usic is very loud co es out fro

lighthouse
lighthouse n. a to!er !ith a light to guide ships. -he train takes us to /ales. (t is our first holiday together. (t feels fresh. /e should have done this long ago, !e should have done this before !e started fighting, before everything fell apart. $o! ( kno! !hy there are so any holidays in the /est. (t !as your idea to co e to this place. ,ou !ant to leave city, you !ant your lungs to inhale the air fro the ountains and the sea. And ( agree. ( agree because ( think travelling together ay help us, ay re ove the illness in our relationship. (n the !indy afternoon, !e arrive at !est /ales. Co ing out fro the train, ( breathe out the filth fro London. -he (rish *ea is underneath the ountain. -he sky is high, and the trees are dark green. 1eople in /ales !alk slo!er than in London. -hey ove slo!ly, drive slo!ly, laugh slo!ly, they spend ti e slo!ly. ,ou said to e, ancient people believed hu ans !ould lose their soul if they !alked too fast. *o people here ust have strong soul. -he ountain cli bs up fro so e huge rocks. 1iles and piles of black rocks tu ble do!n to the sea. /e !alk fro the valley to the ountain. -he ountain is enor ous. (t is continually connected to another ountain, and another ountain behind. *o high, it is close to the heaven. -he cliffs are steep, !ithout any plants. 1erhaps the !ind too strong for plants gro!ing. *uch a bleak landscape, there see s no hesitation, no confusion. /hen !e !alk on the ountain, !e see the grass gro!s short and hard, rooted into the soil like needles. And the soil underneath y feet is very hard too. Cli bing, cli bing, ( can hear y breath and yours, heavy and strong. /e !alk into the bushes, the yin side of the ountain. (t is dark and uddy. 3oots are every!here underneath y feet. /e !alk into the forest. -he forest is decaying, !et and lush. -he !orld beco es even Auieter. ,ou are loving it. ,our body beco es lively, and you look like a an in his t!enties. -he birds are singing on branches, and leafs brush against each other in the !ind. /e sit do!n, inhaling and e9haling. ,ou pick up chestnut case beside you. Green case is old, bro!n and sad. %ut !hen you open it, inside is silky and s ooth and gentle. (t s ells of spring. ( see your love to!ards that chestnut, and ( can feel y love to you. -he dark clouds Auickly cover the sky, and the early evening of the !inter arrives. -here is so ething unkno!n hidden in the forest. -here is so ething sucking the hu an soul. And ( feel like soon !e !ill be s!allo!ed by the nature. ( find the beauty of the nature can be a terror, but ( don2t kno! if you feel the sa e !ay. /e stay in a % S%, a very old stone house. (t is a village in 1e brokeshire, a village on the ountain, a village buried in green !eeds, a village hidden in the night fogs, a village !hich have the sky holds the stars and the oon. ( lose sleep during the night. (t is raining all the ti e. *ince !e arrived here ( haven2t slept for one second. ( think it is because ( can2t get used to the Auietness here. -he Auietness is so strong that it is al ost unbearable noisy. (t is so Auiet every!here that ( hear all kinds of noises. ( even can hear oss gro!ing. /hile ( a lying on the bed !ith you, in this strange stone house, ( kno! the rain is covering the !oods, and the sea is tossing, ceaseless, in a not very far distance. -he oon seduces the !ave and the tide is oving like cra)y. -he rain drops on the ceiling above our bed, on the pond outside of the house, on the stinging nettles by the !indo!. -he !hole !orld is raining. -he !hole !orld is dro!ning. -here is no single place can re ain dry, not even an inch. -he ne9t orning, the rain beco es lighter, and the !ind is less strong. /e co e do!n to the sitting roo , having hot coffees !ith breakfast by the fire. (t is safe and !ar inside. Butside is gloo y. -hat is the !ord. %ut you don2t agree. ( say ( don2t !ant to go out any ore. ( s!ear. ,ou laugh at e. ,ou say you love this kind of !eather. ,ou say that is !hat you love about the nature. $ature is po!erful, and this po!er is beautiful.

*hall !e go to the lighthouse0H you ask. Lighthouse0 Dirginia /oolf2s lighthouse0H ( re $o, this one is /here is it0H
ore beautiful.H e ber the book you gave to e.

Co

e !ith

e.H ,ou stand up.

/e borro! an u brella fro the old lady !ho o!ns % S%, leaving the fireplace and head to the nature again. @y boots are still !et fro yesterday2s ud. (t is a pair of city boots, losing shape here. -hey don2t belong to this place. ( should buy a pair of rubber boots, and a raincoat. (t is a long !alk, through the !oods and far s. After about one and half hours, !e see the lighthouse. (t is standing at the botto of the hill. (t faces to the sea. -here is nothing else around it, not even a sheep. (t feels like is built at the end of the !orld. /e !alk to!ards it. -he lighthouse beco es closer and bigger. (t is tall, thin, erect, like a young an2s penis. (t is total solitude. /e sit do!n by the lighthouse. -he seagulls are diving in the !ater. -he !aves are deep green. ( i agine during the night, in the darkness, the light turns around, !iping off the ountain, the grassland, the path, the beach, the sea. ( i agine the light searching, but aybe searching for nothing.

(s any boat going to the other side of the sea0H ( ask. ,es, but not today. $ot everyday,H you say. *hall !e ask around !hen there !ill be a boat here0 *o !e can take the boat to see the other side.H ,ou go if you !ant. (2d like to stay here,H you ans!er. %ut there is nothing here,H ( say.
-he current is Auiet. -he lighthouse is keeping so ething secret, a secret !hich ( don2t understand. -he city !eakens your energy. %ut you beco e alive again in this place. :inding a snake or an earth!or under the grass is ore surprising than aking art" seeing a dolphin dancing in the sea is ore interesting than aking art" !atching a bea of red flo!ers turned into a string of beans is ore satisfying than aking art" listening a bu ble bee sucking a bud is ore pleasant than aking art. ( think you are born for nature. /hy not stay here0 /hy force yourself to return London0 ,ou should stay, !ithout considering e. ( open y notebook again, looking at y everyday2s study, y everyday2s effort. ( see yself trying hard to put ore !ords and sentences into blank pages. ( try to learn ore vocabularies to be able to co unicate. ( try to put the !hole dictionary in y brain. %ut in this re ote countryside, in this nobody2s !onderland, !hat2s the point of this0 (t doesn2t atter if one speaks Chinese or English here" it doesn2t atter if one is ute or deaf. Language is not i portant any ore. Bnly the si ple physical e9istence atters in the nature.

pathology
pathology n. the scientific study of diseases.

,ou, y English patient, keep feeling ill. ( used to lie beside you, !henever you suffered fro headache or bodyache. ( !ould &ust stop !hat ( !as doing and co e to lie beside you. %ut after so long, so often you get ill, so eho! ( run out of patience.

Coney,

( kno! ho! to cure your depression4 practice yoga every afternoon, and go s!i ing every evening.H

orning, ride your bike every

1erhaps ( &ust need to find the right

edicine.H edication !ay. -he proble is fro your 8i, your energy.H even out of

$o. ( don2t think you can solve it under the

,ou lie there, look at the ceiling vaguely4 GEvery bed.H

orning ( !ake up and ( feel tired before (2

-hat2s because your illness is brought fro

your thoughts. ,ou hate this society so uch, and you feel so fed up !ith this place. ,ou don2t have any disease. ,ou are &ust like your old van, old, too old, every part of the echanic fell apart. 3e e ber0 ,our !hite van and you, used to be so energetic.H

( &ust !ish ( kne! !hat it !as that !as !rong !ith

e.H

,ou

/esterners al!ays !ant to precisely na e illness. %ut in China, !e don2t na e all these kind of diseases. %ecause !e think all the illness actually causes fro very si ple reason. (f you !ant to solve your illness then you ust start to cal your !hole body, not &ust taking pills every ti e.H

B?, tell -here -rau

ore.H ,ou rise your head fro

the bed.

are three general classes of the causes of illness in Chinese edication. (nternal 1athogenic 8i, E9ternal 1athogenic 8i, and -rau a. (nternal 1athogenic are organ dis.function, E9ternal 1athogenic are 8i fro outside the body !hich enter the body, and -rau a is trau a.H a is -rau a0H

( guess -rau

a causes 8i and blood to leave the nor al currents of flo!. And it causes the stagnation of your inner energy. *o parts of your body !ill be suffered fro the lack of 8i. -hat2s !hy you get tired everyday easily. And that2s !hy you get headache regularly.H

Co! do you kno! all this0H ,ou stare at %ecause ( a ,ou ( think so.H
a Chinese.H

e.

ean all Chinese people kno! about this0H

Are you serious0 Even the ones !ho !ork in the Chinese takea!ay on Cackney 3oad0H ,ou can ask the %ut
, ne9t ti e !hen !e pass by,H ( say. e things like this.H $o! you get up fro the bed. ,ou ust feel better.

,ou kno!, you never tell

you never really ask e. ,ou never really pay attention to y culture. ,ou English once took over Cong ?ong, so you probably heard of that !e Chinese have ',+++ years of the greatest hu an civilisation ever e9isted in the !orldPBur Chinese invented paper so your *hakespeare can !rite t!o thousand years later. Bur Chinese invented gunpo!der for you English and A ericans to bo b (raA. And our Chinese invented co pass for you English to sail and colonise the Asian and Africa.H ,ou stare at e, no !ords. -hen you leave the bed, and put the kettle on. e tea0H you ask.

Do you !ant so

pessi is Qopti is
pessi is n. the tendency to e9pect the !orst in all things.

opti is

n. the tendency to take the

ost hopeful vie!.

A petal is a pessi ist. A petal !ill fade a!ay. An old an2s body is a pessi ist, things are rotten and falling apart. A buddhist is a pessi ist in his reality, but in the end !hen he faces his death he is an opti ist, because he has prepared for !hole life to !elco e the peace of death. A far er is an opti ist, because he believes the potatoes !ill co e out underneath the soil. A fish an is an opti ist, because he kno!s !hatever ho! far he fishes, he !ill co e back !ith his boat full of fish. A pesticide is an opti ist. (t eans sustain the good life by killing bad life. ore Everyone tries to be an opti ist. %ut being an opti ist is a bit boring and not honest. Losers are interesting than !inners.

(t is a Auarter to si9, and ( a cooking dinner for you. (t is already inky dark outside. ( look at the clock and go back to kitchen checking the food. L4++, then L41+, then L4#+, then L45+. ( turn on the radio, listen to !hatever ( can understand. :inally it is >4++. *ince then every single inute cannot bear any ore. 1aranoia takes over the kitchen. >45+ no!. ,ou told e that you !ould be back ho e before si9. /hy you never on ti e0 Are you flirting !ith so ebody right no!0 Br aybe things uch !orseP -rying to stop this painful visual i agination, ( turn up the volu e of the radio. -oday2s top ne!s4 GA !o an urdered her husband2s pregnant lover after she discovered the love affairP*he !as found guilty in court this afternoon.H -he soup is still bubbling on the fire but is nearly burnt. @urderP-he !hole !orld is crashed. -he paranoia penetrates y body through y ind. @y uscles are shaking badly, and y sto ach starts aching. ( a in the big nerve and ( ight do anything to destroy the furniture in this house, the sy bols of our life together. Love can be so pessi istic, and love can be so destructive. Love can lead a !o an being lost, and in that lost !orld perhaps the only thing to do is leave to build a ne! !orld. =.++, you co e back ho e. ( pour all the food into the rubbish bin. ,ou are a bit scared seeing !hat ( a doing. ( say loudly, to yself, and to the !hole house4

$ever cook food before the

an co es back ho eIH

electric
electric ad&. 1. produced by, trans itting, or po!ered by electricity" #. e9citing or tense. Cair, boso , hips, bend of legs, negligent falling hands all diffusedP ine too diffused, Ebb stung by the flo! and flo! stung by the ebbPlove.flesh s!elling and deliciously aching Li itless li pid &ets of love hot and enor ousPAuivering &elly of loveP!hite.blo! and delirious &uice, %ridegroo .night of love !orking surely and softly into the prostrate da!n, <ndulating into the !illing and yielding day, Lost in the cleave of the clasping and s!eet.flesh2d day. -his is in a book fro /alt /hit an, !hich sits on your bookshelf covered by the thick dust. %ut during the last t!o !eeks it beco es y bible. ( read it every day and ( think ( understand it. ;elly of love. ( think of you. ,ou are like the an in /alt /hit an2s poe . ( i agine you are naked by the sea, a !ild landscape behind you. ,ou are a young an !ith a healthy body and a free spirit. ,ou are a si ple far er, !ith a natural passion. ,ou have beautiful hips and legs and hands, and you have a strong love and sensibility to the nature. ,ou are friends !ith the seagulls, the bees, the dragonflies. And you kno! that dolphin in the distance dancing on the sea. ,ou !alk through the fields of apple trees, and pass by the far houses, and then do!n to the sea. ,ou body carries the s ell of grass and the !ar th of earth to the sea !aterP( look at your reality here. Co! could these things being taken a!ay fro you totally0 ,ou !ill die. ,ou !ill die. ,ou !ill die like a fish !ithout !ater. -he life in the past and the life at the present are very different. /hen ( first et you, ( re e ber you al!ays talked and s iled. ,ou talked about interesting things in an interesting !ay, and you had a char ing language. ,ou used beautiful !ords, funny !ords, se9y !ords, electric !ords, noble !ords. ,our language !as as attractive as you. %ut !hat happened0 (t has changed. After all these fightings, all these iseries, you don2t talk as the !ay you did before. ,ou &ust listen" listen to y !ords" then stop listening and think of your o!n !orld. %ut ( can2t stop talking. ( talk and talk, ore and ore. ( steal your !ords. ( steal all your beautiful !ords. ( speak your language. ,ou have given up your !ords, &ust like you gave up listening. All you do is sleep, ore and ore sleep.

bestseller
bestseller n. a book or other product that has sold in great nu bers. Last night ( had a drea . ( drea ed ( !as a cookery !riter !riting for house!ifes !ho bored !ith their uni aginative life. ( drea ed y book eventually e9posed on the ost visible and conspicuous shelfs in /aterstones. ( beco e a bestseller !ho has the fa e in England, *cotland, and even in /ales. @y book !as called Getting to Grips !ith $oodles4 5++ /ays of Chinese Cooking. Actually, at the beginning of y drea , there !ere only ten recipes of cooking noodles, but in the drea ( had the idea that a year has 5L' days and ( should !rite at least 5++ different recipes. 3est of si9ty.five days in a year people can have rice or bread or alternative food they like. ( re e ber the first dish in Dragon in the Clouds -he recipe is4 thin rice noodles !ith fried tofu and bean sprouts in a chicken soup. *o everything looks !hite and gentle like clouds. And other noodles dishes in 3ed 3iver @ussels !ith spring onions in chilli noodles soup Double Cappiness 3oast duck and pork !ith fried noodles Dragon 1alace *liced eel !ith rice noodles in ginger soup (t2s also about t!o.!ay.cooking, eaning either it can be prepared as Chinese food or it can beco e (talian spaghetti. :or e9a ple, one can &ust change ginger into basil, or replace chilli to rose ary !ith a bit cheese, then noodles !ill get totally different identity. End of drea , there are a group of fat iddle.aged English !o ans talking about y book in a countryside tea.house. -hey are all having their afternoon teas and carrot cakes !ith y book opened on the table, and discuss !here is the nearest Chinese shop that they can buy all the ingredients. ( !ake up and ( don2t kno! !here is this idea fro . ( guess fro longing to eat hot du plings !ith fennel and pork stuffing, and ( a beef. Abroad, thinking of food is everyday2s obsession. -here is an i portant thing in the drea 4 ( a too asha ed book because ( kno! as soon as ( get fa ous in /est, Chinese A !riter !ho doesn2t !rite history or serious novels, but !rite that !ould be a scandal in China. *o ( choose GAnonH as y na y hunger for Chinese food. ( a dying for roasted duck and spicy y drea are4 y book is called4

to use y real na e on the cover of the !ill find out i ediately and ake a fuss. about cooking noodles for English people. e, the person !ho has no na e.

Getting up fro the bed, ( feel hungry. ( have a great urge to taste those specially ade noodles but, !hen ( try re e ber ho! to cook the drea noodles, nothing co es in y head. ( open the cupboard and take out a pack of instant noodles.

future tense
:uture -ense *o eti es !hen !e talk about the future, !e are &ust predicting. /e are saying !hat !e think !ill happen, !ithout any reference to the present. At other ti es, !e are really talking about the present and the future together. -his happens, for e9a ple, !hen !e talk about future actions !hich are already decided, or !hich !e are deciding as !e talk4 aking plans, pro ises, threats, offers, reAuests.

@rs. @argaret say ( a still no good at verbs, particularly future tense. GDon2t !orry,H she al!ays says. G(t2s an Asian thing. ,ou2ll get over it.H

(s tense really an Asian proble 0 Co! is Gti eH so clear in the /est0 (s being defined by *cience or by %uddha0 3eincarnation, it is not past or future. (s endless loop. A circus, ending and starting is the sa e point. At beginning ( don2t have concept of tense !hen ( speak English. %ut no! ( think ( understand before, after all our battles. *un -)u, the Chinese aster !ho lived #,'++ years ago, says in the Art of /ar for E9ecutives4 ore than

-he ulti ate !arrior is one !ho !ins the !ar by forcing the ene y to surrender !ithout fighting any battle. %ut neither of us !ants to surrender to the other, and neither of us can !in the battle. $either of us is an ulti ate !arrior. *o the battle carries on and on, as follo!s4 @E4 G( !ant future !ith you. A ho e, a house in beautiful place !ith you, plant so e ba boos, so e lotus, so e &as ines, so e of your favourite sno!drops.H E/hen ( describe this, the i age so strong that it ust be a !ill fro y Last Life.F ,B<4 G,ou can2t have the future no!. -hat2s !hy it2s the future.H @E4 G( disagree. :uture co es fro your plan, your real action.H ,B<4 G$o, that2s not true. -he future only co es !hen it co es. ( don2t believe in pro ises. Co! can you kno! the future no!0 ,ou can only kno! the future !hen you get to the future.H @E4 GDoes that ean you don2t !ant future !ith e0H E( look in your eyes painfully.F ,B<4 G,ou2re al!ays !orried about the future. Co! can !e think about getting arried !hen !e keep fighting0 ,ou2re never happy !ith the !ay things are, you al!ays !ant it to be different to ho! it is. /e can2t be together if you don2t accept y lifestyle and realise you can2t change e. ,ou can2t al!ays !ant e to be different fro ho! ( a .H ,ou are right, ( kno!. ( can2t say anything. Again ( feel like ( a the !isteria vine, and ( can2t cli b and rely on e, again. y tree, because that tree is falling.

Live in the Live in the

o entIH ,ou i pose this idea on

o ent,H ( repeat. /hy do ( have to0 GLive in the o ent, or live for the o ent0 @aybe you only live for the o ent. -hat is so hippy. ( can2t do that as a hu ble foreigner,H ( fight back.

/ell, to live in or to live for the $o.

o ent, that2s the sa e kind of concept.H

(t is different,H ( say, strongly and angrily. ( recently learned !hat is the difference bet!een in and for fro @rs. @argaret. (t is definitely a different concept.

Love,H this English !ord4 like other English !ords it has tense. GLovedH or G!ill loveH or Ghave loved.H All
these specific tenses ean Love is ti e.li ited thing. $ot infinite. (t only e9ist in particular period of ti e. (n Chinese, Love is G

EaiF. (t has no tense. $o past and future. Love in Chinese Love is e9istence, holding past and future.

eans a being, a situation, a circu stance.

(f our love e9isted in Chinese tense, then it !ill last for ever. (t !ill be infinite.

possess
possess v. 1. to have as one2s property" #. Eof a feeling, belief, etc.F have co plete control of, do inate.

,ou tell e y love to you is like a possession. %ut ho! could ( possess you !hen your !orld is so big0 @aybe it not about possession, it ore about e trying to fit into your life. ( a living in your life. ( a living inside of your body, trying to understand every single ove ent fro your co and. Every night ( inhale and outhale your breath. -he s ells fro your hair and your skin cover y hair and y skin. ( kno! nobody in y life is as close as you.

( &ust hope night carry on like this, go on for ever. Cope our bodies can be al!ays close like this, and our souls al!ays can be side by side. ( don2t !ant the sun co es, the day co es. ( kno! the light of day takes you a!ay fro e. -hen you live in your o!n !orld, the !orld that has a big gap bet!een us. (n the dayti e, you stay !ith your sculptures, !ith your clay, your sand, your !a9. ,ou are aking any oulds of hu an bodies. All the aterials they lie there, Auiet, !ith vague and unclear state ents. -he conversation on the bed after !e ake love4

/hy you are al!ays so interested in the body0H %ecause you !ill never get bored !ith the body.H ,ou rub the sper
GEating, drinking, shittingP-he body is key to everything.H s on y skin slo!ly, trying to dry it.

%ut !hy your sculptures ugly and

iserable0H

( don2t think they are ugly. -hey are beautiful.H @aybe. %eautiful in ugly !ay. %ut they are al!ays in pain.H -hat2s !hat life is like.H
( can2t agree, but ( can2t deny either.

@y body al!ays feels

iserable, e9cept for !hen ( a

aking love,H you say.

,our voice beco es sleepy, and you close your eyes. ( turn off the light. ( stare at the darkness. ( have enough thoughts to talk to the long night, alone.

christ as
Christ as n. 1. an annual festival on Dece ber #' co this ti e. e orating the birth of Christ" #. period around

-o orro! is Christ as. /e !ake up to noises fro neighbours2 kitchen. -hey are probably arranging tables or chairs for their guests. ,ou tell e !e !ill stay in London until lunch, and then you !ill take e to see your fa ily in the afternoon. ( a curious, but also !orried. @eeting your fa ily is a big thing for e. -hat is again so ething to do !ith the future. /hat happened to ;esus Christ at Christ as Eve0 /as he hung on the cross0 Did he al ost reborn0 /e !ere taught !hen !e !ere little that only the phoeni9 can be reborn. A beautiful huge bird, !ith the neck of a snake, the back of a tortoise, and the tail of fish. *he eats de!drops. *he lives for a thousand years and, once that ti e is over, she burns herself in her o!n funeral pyre, and is born again fro the ashes. ;esus ust be so ething like a bird, the sy bol of high virtue. /inter is such a long season in England. Cackney 3oad is di , dark, !et and obscure. %ut there is so ething e9tra !hich akes you and e nervous about this ti e. $either you nor e kind of person likes celebrating festivals, plus ( don2t have any fa ily here. Butside, neon lights are t!inkling, shining like the fragile happiness. Al ost a year has passed. (n the beginning, !e !ere so passionate about each other. $o! everything gro!s older, and covered by the dust. Every orning you go to that corner shop to buy ne!spaper. ,ou sit in a s all cafTe having a breakfast and reading. ,ou !ould rather read the paper outside so e!here, because you say you can2t rela9 at ho e. *hould ( leave the house and give the space back to you0 Afternoon. /e are in your !hite van. /e are driving to the south!est of England, to Lo!er End :ar , the place !here you gre! up. -he road to!ards the countryside is so Auiet. Like a road nobody kno!s, as if nobody has driven through it before. (t is getting darker. (t is grey. -he houses beside the road are all lighted. Ah, others are all happy, !ith their fa ily. ( hate Christ as. ( start to cry. ,ou look at e one o ent, then look at the road. ,ou kno! !hy ( a noise fro the engine carries on. crying. ,ou keep Auiet. Bnly the

(t !ill be all right,H you say.

%ut ( don2t kno! !hat all right even eans.

( stop crying. ( cal do!n a bit. (t2s only four in the afternoon, but the sky in countryside is already deep dark, and the rain co es !ith the chilly !ind. -he !ind blo!s the pine trees, the grass, and the oaks in the fields. -he leaves are shivering, and the branches are shaking. -here ust be too uch !ind in English2s blood. Di and uddy, it is the road leading to your childhoodP -hat evening, you sho! e around the far !ith the flashlight. (t is a big far , e9tended to the hori)on. *o e sheeps or aybe co!s in the distance, ooing. -here are four old !o ans in this house4 your other, your grand other, your t!o sisters. -hree cats live in this old far house too. ( !onder if these cats are all fe ales0 $o an. ,our t!o sisters, one is 6#, another is 6J. ,ou told e they never get arried. @aybe they get used to this old.girl.life, so they don2t need or !ant a an any ore. ,our father died long ti e ago, and so did your grandfather. %ut all !o ans survive. -hese !o ans, in your fa ily, they are all far ers. -hey look like they have had a hard life. -heir faces, reddish on the cheeks fro the chilly !ind. -hey are si ple and a little tough. -hey are very straightfor!ard, and have very strong i pression to!ards every little thing. -heir Auestions are like these4

7huang0 /hat kind of a na Do you !atch -D, 70H 7, ho!

e is that0 Co! do you spell it0H

any hours does it take to fly fro

China to England0H any people in your country0H eat loudly in the kitchen. -hey re ind e of y

%loody hellI Bne billion. Are there really so

-hey talk loudly, and laugh loudly, and chop the fa ily. -hey are very different fro Londoners.

-here are about t!enty silver and golden badges on the !all of dining roo . -hese badges are hung under the photos of sheep and co!s, the !inners of so e far ing co petitions. *everal local ne!spapers are pinned on the !all, !ith pictures of your sisters hugging her a!ard.!inning co!. And the co! has a big badge hung on its neck too. ( don2t understand this co petition bet!een co! and co!. (n -D roo is a huge poster about sheep. Every sheep has its different na e, and they do look like very different. -he one on the left is called B9ford Do!n, look like a big fat dog, but !ith burnt black nose and ears. -he one on the right is called Dart oor, !ith essy curly !ool like a !o an in hair salon having an electricity per . -he botto one is called E9 oor Corn !ith curly horns and short body like a sno! ballP -here are no pictures of hu an beings. (t is like a sheep useu . ( !alk into the kitchen. ,our other is preparing Christ as Eve supper. ( see the plates !ith dra!ing of sheep, and tea cups !ith the picture of co!, and the tea pot is the shape of a little goat. Everything in the house looks aged, as old as your grand other. ,our grand other is ninety.seven. *he lives upstairs. ,ou take e to say hello to her. *he is skinny. *he is too old to ove around. Also she is too old to talk. *he doesn2t see to recognise !ho you are. ( try to understand these four !o ans, !ith their strong accent. ( can2t tell if they are tough or friendly. -here is a certain kind of brutal feel fro your sister !hen she chops the eat that akes e ti id. (s that one of the reasons you left your ho eto!n, ca e to London, and didn2t !ant to be !ith any !o ans !hen you !ere young0 After the supper, everybody is tired and goes to bed. /e sleep on a sofabed in the living roo . (t is idnight. -he !hole far outside is covered by a big piece of silence. $o neighbours, no pub, no shop, no car, no train. (t is a place far a!ay fro civilisation. (t is even !orse than y ho eto!n in China. *o Auiet, like it2s on the edge of the !orld. Bccasionally, one or t!o fire!orks blo! in the distance. %ut rest of the !orld is as fro)en as ice in the Arctic Bcean. Bn Christ as orning, it starts sno!ing. -he far has a layer of light sno!. ( hope the far is happy to receive the sno! on a very special day. After a big brunch, !e !atch the 8ueen2s speech on -D, then !e say goodbye to your fa ily, and hit the road again. ,our other and your t!o sisters are !aving their hands in front of the house. /hen ( look at the fro the van ( feel sad. @aybe !e should stay ore ti e here, eat the Christ as turkey they prepare all day. %ut you say you can2t stay in there any longer. $ot even one ore afternoon, you say. /e leave Lo!er End :ar behind. /e leave the ud, the sheep, and the !inter grass behind. /e drive all the !ay back to London. -here is nobody in the street, not even a ghost. (t is surreal. Al ost too perfect. -he sno! is like feathers gradually covers dirty London. -he sno! kno!s its o!n po!er. (t understands ho! to ake a city less bleak and ore gentle. /e stop in a local cafTe on Cackney 3oad, probably the only one open. -he cafTe o!ner is a foreigner, aybe fro @iddle East. ( guess he prefers to !ork in cafTe at Christ as rather than spend a lonely day on his o!n in his rented east London base ent. -here are beautiful red flo!ers on every table. (t is a

kind of green.leafs.turn.to.red.flo!ers. ( a having fish and you are having chips. /e look outside. -he sno! is falling fro the sky. -he cafTe o!ner says G@erry Christ asH to us. Ce ust be so happy to see eventually t!o custo ers visit hi on such lonely day.

betray
betray v. 1. to hand over or e9pose Eone2s nation, friend, etc.F treacherously to an ene y" #. to disclose Ea secret or confidenceF treacherously" 5. to reveal unintentionally.

( don2t kno! if ti e takes us into its fast !hirlpool, or !e suck ti e into our inner !orld. (t feels like Christ as &ust yesterday, but no! here co es $e! ,ear2s day. Last night !e ade love like desperate people. And !e ade love again this orning. (t feels everything so e pty. Desperation. Br fear. /e need ake so ething unforgettable in our e ory. -he only thing ( love co pletely, !ithout any doubt, is your body. ( love it. -e perature. *oftness. :orgiveness. @aybe ( can let you go, but not your body. ?issing. ( hug your !ar th. ( think of other bodies ( encountered, !hich ( never really in love !ith. ( start to talk.

,ou kno! lots of things happened in that -hat

onth0H onth.H

onth.H

,es, that

/hen you !ent (nter.3ailing0H ,es.H ( look into your eyes. ( really !ant you to kno!. (f !e don2t have
can talk about that onth, !hen you !ere absent !ith e. uch to talk any ore, aybe !e

Are there things you didn2t tell %ut you never ask *o, talk to

e0H ,ou put out your hand touch

y face.

eI (t2s like the ne!spaper is read the paper every day than talk to e.H e no!,H you say.

ore interesting to you than reality. ,ou !ould rather

(2 annoyed again. /hy everything has to be like this0 /hy ( a curiosity inside your heart any ore0

al!ays de anding0 /hy there is no

B?. ( ,es,

et so e

ans on the trip, you kno!.H et so e en0H

/hat do you

ean you

one in A sterda , one in %erlin, one in Denice and one in :aroPH ( suddenly can see all these faces. ( can see that 1ortugal an !ith the issing teeth !alking beside !ith e do!n to the dirty rocky beach under the highnoon2s sunPAnd ( can see ?laus standing in a street of %erlin !aiting for the bus. 1robably no! he !alks into a shop to buy a bottle of ineral !ater !ith red star brand.

And0H ,ou beco $othing.H $othing0H

e serious.

$othing serious. ;ust, ( had se9 !ith a

,ou stare at

an !ho ( only

et for half an hour.H y face and yours.

e. ,our face is fro)en. -here is only four centi etres bet!een

%ut ( didn2t like that e9perience, actuallyPH ( a

-here is no specific i pression on your face. *uddenly ( re e ber a sentence ( read fro they kno! not !hat they do.

a little !orried to carry on this story. the bible on your shelf recently4 :ather forgive the for

thought ( should let you kno!, even you don2t ask e,H ( continue. GAnd in %erlin, ( !as very attached to a an, !ho ( et on the train. Ce !as ill at that ti ePH $o! (2 upset, but at the sa e ti e ( feel relieved.

uch

,ou get out fro the bed and !alk to the kitchen, naked. ,ou add so e !ater into the kettle, !ithout any !ords. ,ou put so e dry int into the tea pot. -hen you stand there and !ait for the !ater to be boiled.

*o if you didn2t like it, !hy did you do it0H

:inally, you are angry.

%ecauseP( don2t like distance.H *o you have to have se9 !ith a stranger0H
-here is silence bet!een us.

Every ti /hy0H (

e ( thought you

ight be !ith another

an,H you say, G( thought !e should leave each other.H

ean ( should let you go.H

Go !here0H /hen ( !as your age, ( !as like you. ( !anted to e9perience everything, and !anted to try all kinds of
relationships, all kinds of se9. *o ( kno! !hat2s going on inside you. (f you stay !ith going !ith other en, ( !ill be lost.H -hose !ords, ( don2t !ant to hear. ,ou are afraid of being lost, but ( a being lost first. e, and ( see you

the person in the relationship

%ut you !anted %ecause

e to travel aloneIH ( a

crying.

you are youngPtoo young to be so serious !ith e,H you say. G/hen you !ere a!ay ( often i agined you !ith other en, but then ( stopped thinking about it. Even !hen you told e you !ere pregnant, ( didn2t think about it.H ,ou stand there, let the !ater boiling in the kettle, !ithout ( feel your coldness covering this house. ( a coldest anner in the !orld. ove. afraid of this kind of anner. (t is the afraid of you. ( a

,ou start drinking your tea. A vegeterian shepherd pie is in the oven, the kind of English food ( hate. *uch a sad food. A kind of food sho!s ho! boring the life is. A kind of food !ithout any passion. /e don2t talk rest of the day. ,ou are doing so ething !ith your sculptures. 1ouring hot !a9 into the ould. -he shape is obscure. ( a !atching a $e! ,ear2s -D progra e, an ani ation about a nightingale. Bscar /ilde again, but this ti e it is visual and vivid. -he nightingale is bleeding and dying, and the red rose is abandoned by the young an. GLove is better than life,H the nightingale says. Love is better than lifeI Even love brings death. (s this our $e! ,ear2s !ish0

infinity
infinity n. an endless space, ti e, or nu ber. /hen ( !as in the pri ary school, the athe atics teacher taught us to count until !e !ere too tired to count any ore. -he teacher said that the last nu ber is Ginfinity.H (t is a nu ber but nu berless. Bne can count and count until the nu bers beco e uncountable. (nfinity, it is an uncountable future. Cere, in our kitchen and bedroo , our battle is an infinity.

Listen,H ( shout. G-his is serious. ( need to kno! if ( should give up

or if ( should go back to y country.H ( look at

y &ob in China to stay here !ith you, y passport on the table.

/hat is your &ob there0H Did you never kno!

y &ob0H ent !ork unit.H

( never understood !hen you talked about a govern /ell, ( !orked in a !elfare office.H And !hat2s that got to do !ith a govern

ent !ork unit0H aking shoes !ith y parents.H

Everybody in China has a !ork unit, and ( don2t !ant to lose that if ( have to go back. (t is a lifelong paid
&ob. (t is safe, you kno!. (f ( lose that, ( have no choice e9cept

B?, !hatever. ,ou can2t

(ndecision, that2s the ter

ake decisions about a relationship &ust because you don2t !ant to lose a &ob.H belongs to you. (s that !hy you are unhappy !ith your life0 e for ever0H ( start again. ( have to. (2 too !orried.

Do you !ant live !ith

( cannot say that. $othing is for ever.H ,ou don2t believe in that concept0H $o. %ecause ( don2t kno! the future, do (0 ( don2t kno! !hat the future !ill be like.H %ut don2t you !ish you !ill be !ith
e in the future0H ,ou are in silence for three seconds. -hree seconds is very long for this Auestion. -hen you ans!er4 G-he future !ill decide for you, not you for the future. ,ou2re fro a %uddhist country, ( !ould have thought you !ould kno! that.H

B?.

:ro no! on !e don2t talk about future. All ( kno! is4 our Chinese live in the e9pectation. E9pectation, is that the !ord close to :uture0 -he far ers gro! their rice in the spring, and they !ater it and e9pect it gro! every day. -he rice sprouts turn into green and the rice pole gro! up taller. -hen su er co es and the far ers look for!ard to grain gro!ing bigger. -hen the autu n harvest, and the grain beco es golden. -heir e9pectation is nearly fulfilled, but not co plete. After the harvest they separate the stra! and illet. -he stra! goes to the shepherd2s pens or the pig2s yard, and the illet goes to the arket for sale. All this is so that a fa ily can have better life in the !inter and in the co ing *pring :estival. (n the !inter they burn the roots and grass on the fields to nourish the soil for ne9t year2s re.plant. Everything is for the ne9t step. *o look this nature, life is about the e9pectation, but not about no!, not about today, or tonight. *o you can2t only live in today, that !ill be the doo day.H ,ou stop listening. ,ou are busy pouring hot !a9 into a ould. -here are three different oulds, one is like a brain, and another one look like an eyeball, the third one is a big nipple. After !a9 pouring, you are !aiting for it is cooled do!n, so you can pull the ould a!ay fro the !a9. ,our pencil dra!ing is on the kitchen table. A dra!ing, lots of hu an organs, lie inside of a bath. Cu an bone, a leg, ears, lips, eyeballs, ar s, intestinesPit is al ost ugly. Actually, very ugly. %ut also very strong. Bnce you said to e you think youself are ugly, though ( don2t feel like that. ,ou said you are al!ays fascinated by ugliness, ugly people, ugly buildings, ruins, rubbish. ( raise y eyes, conte plating the plastic bath you holding so ething heavy. ade. (t sits there, silent, holding so ething vague,

e9pel
e9pel v. 1. to drive out !ith force" #. to dis iss fro a school, etc., per anently. -oday, y govern ent !ork unit calls e. *uddenly, ( a dragged back to that society.

-he officer in the phone say seriously, in the Co unist !ay4 G,ou have a contract !ith us. /e have to !arn you to co e back before you do !rong things there. Don2t break our rules. 3eturn back in one onth according to the rule in our !ork unit, other!ise you !ill be ?ai Chu Ee9pelledF fro our organisation.H ?ai ChuI E9pelledI

( a so angry that ( !ant to thro! y phone a!ay. A year in this country, ( had al ost forgotten ho! stupid those Chinese rules are. An individual belongs to the govern ent, but doesn2t belongs to herself. ,es, ( !ant to be e9pelled. 1lease e9pel e. 1lease. %ut ( also kno! they &ust threaten e. -hey al!ays threaten the little people, in the na e of the !hole nation. And you don2t have a chance against it. (t is like @ao2s little red book, it is !ritten in the i perative tone.

dile
dile

a n. a situation offering a choice bet!een t!o eAually undesirable alternatives.

( read this !ord so any ti es on the paper and never understand it. $o!, !hen think about !hether ( should stay here or go back China, ( understand this !ord totally. (t is a difficult !ord &ust like !hat it !ords4 parado9, contradictory, alternative. eans. Dile a. ?no!ing this !ord, ( also learn these

(f ( leave this country, or say !e split up, !hat you !ill do0H ( ask. ( don2t !ant to be !ith another !o /hy0H ( don2t !ant to.H /hy you don2t !ant another lover0H ( &ust !ant to be on
y o!n.H an lover either0H an.H

3eally0 And you don2t !ant to be !ith a $o. ( don2t !ant anybody.H 3eally0H ( think ( don2t understand you. 3eally.

Look, you need e, and your love is a need. %ut ( don2t need anything, and ( don2t need you. -hat2s !hy ( can be on y o!n.H ,ou say4 G(2d like to be a onk. ( !ant to give up everything4 the city, desire, se9. -hen ( can be free.H e.

/e should let each other go,H you say to

!ith each other0

%ut !e still love each other,H ( insist. Co! can t!o lovers &ust decide to separate !hile they still in love /e should leave each other.H ,ou look at
e, as it is said by a priest, a sober priest in the church.

*uddenly ( feel that you have already ade up your ind. And nothing can be changed. %ut ( still re e ber that love song you sang to e before, under your fig trees in the garden. -he lyrics and the elody are still !andering around in y ears4 (t2s the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance ( think you only !ant the &oyful part of love, and you dare not to face the difficult part of love. (n China !e say, G,ou can2t e9pect both ends of a sugar cane are as s!eet.H *o eti es love can be ugly. %ut one still has to take it and s!allo! it. ( start to deal !ith y i igration papers. ( have to apply for an e9tension of y visa. (t is frustrating. ( need to sho! y bank details to the Co e Bffice that ( have stable inco e to live here, but certainly ( don2t have any inco e. Everything is fa ily supported. Co! uch oney ( left in y bank0 -!o hundred pounds0 Br one hundred and fifty pounds by to orro!0 @ost i portantly, ( don2t have any reason to stay here, e9cept for you. And ( feel confused. ( !ant to stay but ( don2t kno! if it is the right decision. @y parents2 opinions no! see s don2t bother e very uch like before. 1lus, they kno! nothing of y life here.

( thought that you !ould bring everything into y life. ( thought you are y ;esus. ,ou are y priest, y light. *o ( al!ays believed you are y only ho e here. ( feel so insecure because ( a so scared of losing you. -hat2s !hy ( !ant to control you, ( !ant you are in y vie! al!ays and ( !ant cut off your e9tension to the !orld and your e9tension to the others. ( think of those days !hen ( travelled in Europe on y o!n. ( et any people and finally ( !asn2t so afraid of being alone. @aybe ( should let y life open, like a flo!er" aybe ( should fly, like a lonely bird. ( shouldn2t be blocked by a tree, and ( shouldn2t be scared about losing one tree, instead of seeing a !hole forest.

ti ing
ti ing n. 1. the choice, &udge ent, or control of !hen so ething should be done" #. a particular ti e !hen so ething happens.

-oday ( read about tense again. (t is a sentence fro early thirteenth century. Ce said4 -he <niverse continues to be in the present tense.

(bn Arabi, an old sage, a very !ise

an living in the

Does that ean English tense difference is &ust co plicated for no reason0 Does that ean tenses are not natural things at all0 Does that ean love is a for that continues for ever and for ever, &ust like in y Chinese concept0 About ti e, !hat ( really learned fro studying English is4 ti e is different !ith ti ing. ( understand the difference of these t!o !ords so !ell. ( understand falling in love !ith the right person in the !rong ti ing could be the greatest sadness in a person2s entire life. ,ou had all this of beautiful energy inside !hen ( first et you in the cine a. %ut things have changed. All our fight, all your strugglings !ith London, all of that has ade you look like a s all dried fig fell fro the tree. (n our garden, in the last several days, figs fall fro the tree, the fruit tree !ithout flo!ers. -hey didn2t gro! or ripen during the su er, but they can2t go through !inter either. -hey are tiny, i ature, greenish, and shrinking like an old an !ithout a happy youth. -hose figs are full of s all !rinkles on the skin. -hey look very sad. (n the orning, you !alk to the garden, pick up those figs fro the soil, and your pal s are full of dirt and pity. ( re e ber those days !hen !e first et. -hen, the figs gre! lively. ( re e ber you once opened a big soft fig to sho! e the seeds inside. (t !as pink and delicate inside, and you !ould let e suck those s!eet &uiceP$o! it is !inter, the ti e of dying, our hard ti e. ,ou see those tiny figs drop fro the tree to the dirt, and you pick up the one by one. ,ou co e back to the kitchen and put these tiny green round things on the table, the table !hich !e use for chopping vegetables, the table you al!ays read ne!spapers, and the table !hich ( use to study English and do y ho e!ork every night. Bne, t!o, three, four, five, si9, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, t!elveP-here are seventeen tiny figs on the kitchen table no!. -hey are Auiet, obscure, plain, and anony ous. -hey !ant say so ething to e, but eventually they are tired. -hey are dried up by the seasons, &ust like you. ( see your beauty is being di inished, by e. Day by day. $ight by night.

contradiction
contradiction n. 1. a co bination of state ents, ideas, or features !hich are opposed to one another" #. the state ent of a position opposite to one already ade.

,ou al!ays live in the iddle of t!o realities. ,ou !ant to be able to ake the art !ork, but at the sa e ti e you don2t value it. ,ou !ant to be a!ay fro London, to settle do!n in a pure and natural place, !ith ountain and sea, but at the sa e ti e you are obsessed to co unicate !ith the society. *o eti es, !e go out for a !alk. /e !alk in the Dictoria 1ark, or !e !ill !alk fro %road!ay @arket *treet through London :ields. ,our pale face is hidden in your old bro!n leather &acket, and your cheeks tell the pains !ith no na e. *o eti es ( can2t help to kiss you, to soften you, to cheer you up. ,ou !alk slo!er than before, slo! &ust like !e are a real old aged couple. ,ou are struggling !ith yourself.

Do you !ant to co

e to China !ith

e0H Again, ( invite you. And for the last ti e, ( invite you.

,ou stop !alking and look at stop drifting.H

e. G,es. %ut ( don2t kno! if ( !ant to travel any ore. ( need to

London :ields is in yello! grey. -he aple trees are naked. $o ore children playing around. ( !onder if ( !ill be able to see this grass again, co ing out in the ne9t spring. (n Cackney -o!n Call Library !e sit and look at books. Gustave :laubert said, G(n 1ericles2s ti e, the Greeks devoted the selves to art !ithout kno!ing !here the ne9t day2s bread ight co e fro . Let us be GreeksIH ( close the :laubert book, looking at you. ,ou are reading a book !ith the picture of sculptures. ( keep thinking about :laubert2s !ords4 artists should devote the self to the art, like a priest devote to God. %ut !hat is so i portant about art0 /hy it should be like a devotion0

Co! co (

e art can be

ore i portant than food0H ( ask you in a little voice.

agree !ith you, actually.H ,ou close up sculpture book. G( don2t think art is so i portant. %ut art is fashionable in the /est. Everybody !ants to be an artist. Artists are like odels. -hat2s !hy ( hate it.H ,ou put the book back on shelf.

%ut,H

( protest, Gyou are like a Chinese saying4 piercing your shield !ith your spear. ,ou are contradicting !ith yourself. ,ou are aking art too. *o it eans art is also a need, a necessary of e9pression.H

,es, but if ( had better things to do ( !ould give up

(2 confused.

aking art. ( !ould rather do so ething

ore solid.H

(2d like to dedicate y life to do so ething serious, aybe things like !riting, or painting, but definitely not aking shoes. ( don2t care !hat you said about artists. (2d like to !rite about you, one day. (2d like to !rite about this country. 1eople say one should separate one2s real life fro one2s art !ork, and one should protect his real life fro his fiction life. *o one can has less pain, and be able to see the !orld soberly. %ut ( think it is a very selfish attitude. ( like !hat :laubert said about Greeks. (f you are a real artist, everything in your life is part of your art. -he art is a e orial of the life. Art is the abstract !ay of his daily e9istence. Again the %uddhist in illusion of life.H y grand other2s voice tells e4 G-he reality that surrounds us is not real. (t is the

fatalis
fatalis n. the belief that all events are predeter ined and people are po!erless to change their destinies.

A fil called *aturday $ight and *unday @orning, directed by ?arel 3eis) at 1=L+s. -his is the last fil !e !ill see together. -his is the last fil ( !ill see in London. -he beautiful young an in the fil , played by Albert :inney. Ce is too beautiful for a hu ble !orking. class life. Ce is !ild, he !ants to play and to have fun. %ut of course he is also a trouble aker. Ce gets bored by having an affair !ith a arried !o an, and he doesn2t !ant to take any responsibility. *o he starts to chase young girls. %ut after a !hile he is bored again !ith one young girl, she eans nothing to hi e9cept for her brief beauty. /o ans don2t !eigh anything in his restless heart. Ce is bored of physical !ork, and of uni aginative youth. Ce beco es frustrated because he gains nothing fro

searching for the e9cite ents of life. Cis beauty decays. Cis youthful energy fades a!ay by the end of the fil . (s your life a bit like hi 0 Cave you felt the sa e !ay as that young an felt about !o ans or fa ily0 ( ga)e at your back, your bro!n hair and your bro!n leather &acket. /e !alk along the night street in *outh ?ensington. Again, ho! fa iliar, this is the place !e first et. (t has been one year. /e stop in front of a little corner shop to buy so e sa osa. -he shop is about to close.

*o you don2t think he can love that

(a still living in the fil .

arried !o an0H ( ask.

$o.H ,ou take t!o cold vegetarian sa $o. $one of the

osa fro

the shopkeeper.

And, you don2t think he can love that young girl either0H
love each other. $o love e9ists bet!een the ,H you co ent. G-hey are loveless.H ( bite the cold sa osa. Ah. Loveless.

/hat you !ill do if you !ere the

an in the fil 0H ( don2t let you go. . -hings are dead and finished in that to!n.H

( !ould leave the to!n, &ust like ( left Lo!er End :ar %ecause she de

( stop eating sa osa. Bne ore thing ( need to kno!4 G/hy you don2t !ant to be !ith that young !o an either0 *he is young, and pretty and si ple. -hey can be together for the rest of their lifes.H onstrated ho! li ited she is at the end of the fil . 3e e ber the last scene0 /hen they sit on the hill looking do!n on the suburb, and she says to hi that one day they !ill live in one of those houses0 Ce listens to her and thro!s the stone do!n the hill.H

/hy a house, or a ho %ecausePH

e, is a boring thing0H

,ou stop. ,ou don2t !ant to e9plain any ore. @aybe you kno! you are being unreasonable. /e arrive at ho e at idnight. -he little street is dead Auiet, and the house is dead cold. /e are so tired" nobody !ants to have further discussion. /e kno! clearly ho! far !e could reach if !e carry on the discussion about love and life. /e both give up, !ithout saying it. -hen ( realise it is indeed *aturday night and *unday orning. A doo night and a doo orning. An absolutely doo o ent in y life. -here is a special delivery letter sitting on the kitchen table !aiting for e. ,ou got it this orning. @y heart is racing, racing badly. $o, ( shouldn2t open this letter. (t is fro Co e Bffice. (t is you !ho open it. ,ou read it, and give it to e, !ithout any !ords. -here is a black sta p on the page t!enty.t!o of y passport, fro (@@(G3A-(B$ S $A-(B$AL(-, D(3EC-B3A-E of Co e Bffice. (t is a pentagonal sta p. 1entagon, a strange shape. Bnly the 1entagon near /ashington has that strange shape. (t is a doo sta p. -he application for y e9tension of <? visa has been refused. Bnce you told e ( a an agnostic, or aybe even a sceptic, but no! ( proof yself that actually ( a a fatalist, like lots of Asian people are. -he result of y visa application is in y e9pectation. $ot because ( a being a pessi ist, &ust because ( kno! there is no actual reason for both e and authority to e9tend this visa. ( already kne! this !hen ( prepared y paper!ork. ( say there is no reason, ( ean even you4 you can2t be y reason to stay in this country. And you can2t save y life. ,ou, a possible Anarchist, al!ays !ant to be free. ( put y passport back in a dra!er. ( sit do!n, s!itch on the la p and open y notebook. ( look at all the !ords ( learned in the last !eek. -hen ( look at all the !ords and phrases ( learned since the first day ( arrived in this country4 Alien, Costel, :ull English %reakfast, 1roperly, :og, :iltered /aterP*o any !ords. *o uch ( learned in the passed year. -he vocabularies on y notebook, day by day, beco e ore and ore co plicated, and ore and ore sophisticated. ( open a ne! page, a blank page" ( start to !rite do!n the fil title *aturday $ight and *unday @orning. -he pen holds in y hand !ith the anger, and deep disappoint ent.the anger about y fate, the disappoint ent about you.

/hat are you !riting0H ,ou stand in the opposite corner of the roo
( don2t !ant to ans!er.

, staring at

e.

( kno! !hat you are !riting, actually.H

,ou voice sounds vague. $ot only vague, but also cold. ,ou turn your back and thro! e the last sentence before !e go to bed4

A- LEA*- ,B<23E *-(LL LEA3$($G A LB-. EDE$ (: EDE3,-C($G (* %3B?E$.H

,ou voice horrifies ,ou leave e. e, and disappear into the bedroo .

race
race n. 1. a contest of speed" #. any co petition or rivalry, e.g. the ar s race" 5. a rapid current or channel.

Life is a race against ti /asting ti An inch of ti

e.H @y father al!ays says so4

e is sha eful, &ust like leave the grain rotten in fields.H e is an inch of gold, but you can2t buy that inch of ti e !ith an inch of gold.H

After all these education, ( believed ti e !as the ost e9pensive thing in the !orld. /hen ( !as a teenager in the iddle school, ( dared not !aste &ust even t!enty inutes to play around. *taring at blue sky having daydrea is a fool. *leeping on the grass under the sun is a la)y co!, !ithout producing ilk for the people. /asting ti e !ill earn nothing back in the future. %ut here, in this country, people spent !hole afternoon having a pot of tea, and spent hours having a piece of cheese cake, and a !hole night to drink beers in the pub. (f life is a race against ti e, !hy people pay so uch attention on tea and cake and beer0

,ou

are too an9ious. -ry to rela9. -ry to en&oy life.H ,ou say it to London.

e, on the !ay back fro

/ales to

(f life is a race against ti e, like y father and y teacher said, then life itself ust be a very aggressive thing. -here is no peace and no rela9ation in a race. And one2s life !ould never !in anything in the end. %ecause !hatever effort one akes, ti e al!ays parallels passing the one. -he one !ill eventually stop racing one day, let ti e goes by. @y father is !rong, ( think. 1eople here they don2t live like that. And !hat about you, y lover0 Life to you see s not a race at all. %ecause you already decide not living in the to!ns and society, but living in the nature, living !ith the sea and the ountain and the forest. *o there !ill be no ore social struggle to you any ore. *o you can achieve peace. ,ou talk slo! and !alk slo!, you let the ti e pass by you, because you don2t !ant to be in a race. *o you !on2t lose, in the end. And here it co es to the fate. ( et you" a an !as born in the year of 3at. A rat never has a stable ho e, like e, born the year of the goat. -!o unstable ani als, t!o ho eless things. (t !on2t !ork. (t is our destiny. (n China, !e say4 G-here are any drea s in a long night.H (t has been a long night, but ( don2t kno! if ( !ant to continue the drea s. (t feels like ( a !alking on a little path, both sides are dark ountains and valleys. ( a !alking to!ards a little light in the distance. /alking, and !alking, ( a seeing that light di inishing. ( a seeing yself !alk to!ards the end of the love, the sad end. ( love you ore than ( loved you before. ( love you ore than ( should love you. %ut ( ust leave. ( a losing yself. (t is painful that ( can2t see yself. (t is ti e for e to say those !ords, those !ords you kept telling e recently. G,es, ( agree !ith you. /e can2t be together.H

departure
departure n. the action or an instance of departing.

Dear *tudent, /elco e to LondonI Bn finishing our course, you !ill find yourself speaking and thinking in your ne! language Auite effortlessly. ,ou !ill be able to co unicate in a !ide variety of situations, e po!ered by the ability to create your o!n sentences and use language naturally.

-his is !hat language school leaflet says. (s it true0 1erhaps. @rs. @argaret tells e she is proud of speaking English like this a ong her other students. /hen our last lesson finished, ( finally pluck up courage and run after her4

e y

@rs. @argaret, can ( ask you a Auestion0H Bf course you can.H *he s /here did you nor /here
iles. ally buying your shoes0H

do ( nor ally buy y shoes0H she corrects e. G/hy0 Do you like the 0H *he looks do!n her shoes. (t is a coffee.colour, high.heel shoes, !ith a shining etal buckle in front.

,es,H ( reply. -hank you. ( bought the Bh.H ( re

fro Clarks.H Court 3oad called Clarks. e ber there is a shoes shop in -ottenha

@rs. @argaret intends to leave.

,ou kno!, @rs. @argaret,

y parents are shoe akers.H iles another ti e. GAny!ay,

Bh, really0 /ell, ( kno! China produces goods for the !hole !orldPH *he s
good luck !ith your studies. ( hope to see you again.H

-hank you.H ( s
right0H

ile to her as !ell. e @rs. @argaret. ,ou should say @rs. /ilkinson, or &ust @argaret. All y voice.

%y the !ay, it is not right to call All right, @argaret.H ( lo!er do!n %ye.H %ye.H
( like her, in the end. /hen a !o an is leaving her

an, !hen a !o an finally decides her departure,

Does she still need to !ater the plants every day0 Does she still need to !ash his shirts, socks and &eans0 Check all his pockets before !ashing the 0 Does she still need to cook food every evening before he co es back0 Br &ust leave everything uncooked in the fridge0 Like those days !hen he !as a bachelor0 Does she still need to !ash the dishes, and s!eep the floor0 Does she still kiss hi 0 /hen he co es back through the evening door0 Does she still !ant to ake love !ith hi 0 it, but not this Does she, or !ill she cry, !hen she feels her body needs so ebody to cover it and !ar one, the one lies beside hers0 Does she, or !ill she say, ( a o ent0

leaving you, on a particular day0 Br at a particular ti e0 Br in a particular

Does she, or !ill she hire a car or a ta9i, to take all her things before he understands !hat2s happening0 Does she, or !ill she cry, cry loudly, !hen she starts leading her head to a ne! life, a life !ithout anybody !aiting for her and !ithout anybody lighting a fire for her0 -he telephone rings. -he Chinato!n travel agency tells e y air tickets are ready to pick up. ( take all y oney and ( put on y coat. Bn the !ay out, ( pass by your sculpture. (t is nearly finished. All the pieces of the body lie &u bled at botto of plastic bath. ( co e out fro the house, you are standing in the garden and !atering the plants. ,ou stand still, holding the hose, !ith your back to!ards e. -he bro!n of your leather &acket is refusing e, or aybe avoiding e. ( think you don2t !ant to see e leaving. ( think you are angry. /ater fro the hose in hard strea straight on the plants. :or a long ti e you don2t ove. ( a !aiting. ( look up at the grey sky. ( !ant to tell you it is !inter. ( !ant to tell you aybe you don2t need to !ater the plants today. %ut ( don2t say anything. ( !alk out, hesitate, Auiet. /hen ( try to close the garden2s door, ( hear your voice4

Cere, take these.H

( turn back. ( see you pulling out a s all bunch of sno!drops fro flo!ers and !alk to!ards e. the soil. ,ou hold out those little !hite

:or you.H
( take the sno!drops. ( ga)e at the flo!ers in y pal . y hand. *o delicate, they are already !ilting in the heat of

epilogue
epilogue n. a short speech or poe at the end of a literary !ork, esp. a play.

Day 1 (t2s a big aeroplane, !ith so any seats, so any passengers. Air China, !ith the phoeni9 tail dra!n on the side. -his ti e, it takes e east. /hich direction is the !ind blo!ing no!, ( !onder0 Co ing to England !as not easy, but going back is uch harder. ( look at the !indo! and it reflects a stranger2s face. (t2s not the sa e G7H as one year ago. *he !ill never look at the !orld in the sa e !ay. Cer heart is !ounded, !ounded, !ounded, like the nightingale bleeding on the red rose. -he lights are on again. A Chinese ste!ard s iles at e, and serves y second eal4 rice !ith fried pork and so e broccoli. (t is hot, and sticky. As y body slo!ly digests the rice, ( understand, deeply, in y bones4 !e are indeed separated. 1eople say no!adays there are no and e is so broad, so high. ore boundaries bet!een nations. 3eally0 -he boundary bet!een you

/hen ( first sa! you, ( felt ( sa! another e, a e against e, a e !hich ( contradicted all the ti e. And no! ( cannot forget you and ( cannot stop loving you because you are a part of e. %ut, aybe all this is &ust nonsense, /estern philosophical nonsense. /e can2t be together &ust because that is our fate, our destiny. /e have no yuan fen. -hirteen hours later, !e touch do!n in %ei&ing. ( spend day !alking around the city. -he sandy !ind fro the @ongol desert drags through bicycles, trees, roofs. $o !onder people are uch stronger and tougher here. -he !hole city is dusty and essy. <nfinished skeletons of skyscrapers and naked construction sites fill the hori)on. -he ta9i drivers spit loudly on to the road through their open !indo!s. -orn plastic bags are stuck on trees like strange fruits. 1ollution, pollution, great pollution in y great country. ( call y other. ( tell her ( have decided to leave y ho eto!n &ob and ove to %ei&ing. *he is desperate. *o eti es ( !ish ( could kill her. Cer po!er control, for ever, is &ust like this country.

Are you
&ob0H

stupid or so ething0H she shouts at

e in the telephone. GCo! !ill you live !ithout a proper

( try to say so ething4

%ut ( can speak little bit English no!, so

try to !rite so ethingPH

aybe ( can find a &ob !here ( use

y English, or perhaps ( !ill

*he strikes back i ediately4 G/riting on paper is a piece of nothing co pared !ith a stable &ob in a govern ent !ork unitI ,ou think you can reshape your feet to fit ne! shoes0 Co! are you going to live !ithout govern ent edical insurance0 /hat if ( die soon0 And !hat if your father dies as !ell0H *he al!ays threatens to die the ne9t day. /henever it co es to this deadly sub&ect, ( can only keep outh shut. y

Are

you !aiting for rabbits to knock the selves out on trees, so you can catch the !ithout any effort0I ( don2t understand young people today. ,our father and ( have !orked like dogs, but you haven2t even !oken up yet. /ell, it2s ti e you stopped daydrea ing and found yourself a proper &ob and a proper an. Get arried and have children before your father and ( are deadIH As ( keep silent and don2t counter her, she thro!s e her final co ent4

,ou kno! !hat your proble

And she bursts into tears. Day 1++ During

is4 you never think of the futureI ,ou only live in the presentIH

y year of absence, %ei&ing has changed as if ten years passed. (t has beco e unrecognisable.

( a sitting in a *tarbucks cafTe in a brand ne! shopping centre, a large t!enty.t!o.storey all !ith a neon sign in English on its roof4 Briental Globe. Everything inside is shining, as if they stole all the lights

and &e!els fro -iffany2s and Carrod2s. (n the /est there is G$ikeH and our Chinese factories ake GLi $ing,H after an Bly pic cha pion. (n the /est there is G1u aH and !e have G1o a.H -he style and design are e9actly the sa e. -he /est created GChanel no. 'H for @arilyn @onroe. :or our citi)ens !e ake GChanel no. LH &as ine perfu e. /e have everything here, and ore. At night, so e friends take e to a ?araoke. -he place is not ade for e. (t is for Chinese en !ho seek freshness !hen they have gro!n tired of their old !ives. (n e pty roo s, young !o en in tight iniskirts !ith half naked breasts !ait for loners to co e and sing. -he di roo s re ind e of the pubs in London4 s oke, leather seats, lo! tea tables, loud voices and cra)y laughing. ( sit and listen to en singing songs like G-he Long @archH or G -he East (s 3ed.H ( feel out of place in China. /herever ( go, in tea houses, in hotpot restaurants, in Dunkin Donuts, or even on top of the Great /all, everybody talks about buying investing in ne! products, grabbing the opportunity of the #++J Bly pics to ake oney fro the foreigner2s pockets. ( can2t &oin in their conversations. @y !orld see and nonproductive. 1eople2s parks, in cars and houses, oney, or to steal s too unpractical

%ut

you can speak English, that alone should earn you lots of oneyI $o!adays, anything to do !ith the /est can ake oney.H @y friends and y relatives keep telling e this. Day '++ ( think ( have received your last letter. -he last. (t arrived a nothing since then. ( don2t kno! !hy. onth and a half ago and there has been

( think aybe ( !ill never go back to England, the country !here ( beca e an adult, !here ( gre! into a !o an, the country !here ( also got in&ured, the country !here ( had y ost confused days and y greatest passion and y brief happiness and y Auiet sadness. 1erhaps ( a scared to think that ( a still in love !ith you. %ut all these thoughts don2t atter too uch any ore. Bnly so eti es, !hen ( a alone in %ei&ing in y flat, an obscure night, noisy construction sites outside y !indo!, ( still can feel that pain. ,es, the geography helps a lot. ( kno! the best thing to do is to let each other go, to let us each live on a different planet, parallel lives, no ore crossing over. Dear 7, ( a !riting to you fro /ales. (2ve finally oved out of London. -he is called Carningli. (t is /elsh, it eans @ountain of the AngelP ountain behind y stone cottage

( brought so e of our plants and the old kitchen table here. ( think the sunflo!ers are issing you. -heir heads have bo!ed do!n in sha e.as if they have been punished by their school teacher.and their bright yello! petals have turned deep bro!n. %ut ( think your little ba boo tree is very happy because !e have had Chinese !eather for the last onth. Last !eek ( planted so e cli bing roses outside y cottage because ( thought it !ould be good to have ore colours around. Every day ( !alk through the valley to the sea. (t is a long !alk. /hen ( look at the sea, ( !onder if you have learned to s!i P ,our !ords are soaked in your great peace and happiness, and these !ords are being stored in y e ory. ( kiss this letter. ( bury y face in the paper, a sheet torn fro so e e9ercise book. ( try to s ell that fara!ay valley. ( picture you standing on your fields, the ountain behind you, and the sound of the sea co ing and going. (t is such a great picture you describe. (t is the best gift you ever gave e. -he address on the envelope is fa iliar. (t ust be in !est /ales. ,es, !e !ent there together. ( re e ber ho! it rained. -he rain !as ceaseless, covering the !hole forest, the !hole ountain, and the !hole land.

Xiaolu Guo A Concise Chinese English Dictionary for Lovers 1.%efore 2.prologue 5.:ebruary 4.alien

5.hostel 6.properly 7.fog 8.beginner 9.pronoun 10.slogan

11.!eather 12.confusion 13.ho esick

16.@arch 15.ho ose9ual

16.guest 17. isunderstanding 18.bachelor 19.green fingers 20.fertilise 21.instruction 22.char 23.vegetarian 24.noble
#'.April 26.surprise

27.pub 28.drifter 29.bise9ual 30.cabbage slug 31.privacy 32.inti ate 33.free !orld
56.@ay 35.custo

36.fart 37.ho e 38.colony

5=.;une 40.prostitute

41.heaven 42.ro ance 45.isolate 46.hu our 47. igraine

6J.August 49.eAual

65.;uly 44.physical !ork

50.frustration 51.nonsense 52.discord 53.identity 54.anarchist 55.hero 56.freedo 59.a sterda 60.berlin 61.venice 62.tavira

'>.*epte ber 58.paris

63.faro 64.dublin

L'.Bctober 66.self

67.abortion 68.nostalgia 69.age 70.lighthouse

>1.$ove ber 72.pathology

73.pessi is 74.electric 75.bestseller

Qopti is

>L.Dece ber 77.future tense

78.possess 79.christ as
J+.;anuary 81.betray

82.infinity 83.e9pel 84.dile a 85.ti ing

JL.:ebruary 87.contradiction

88.fatalis 89.race 90.departure

=1.After!ards 92.epilogue

93.Ackno!ledg 94.Xiaolu Guo

ents