themuddler.smu@gmail.
com Volume Three, Issue 3
www.scribd.com/TheMuddler October 2009
David Letterman admits to sleeping
with employees. Claims he would have
slept with more, but Paul Shaeffer kept
interupting all his dates.
SMU installs Kindles to elliptical
machines in Dedman to provide soror-
ity girls with more up-to-date celebrity
gossip.
Real mustang brought in as mascot
after Peruna found dead from auto-erotic
asphyxiation.
Lambdi Chis on double secret proba-
tion following Watermelon Bash/Liza
Minnelli Retrospective run afowl.
Kanye West comments on the Olym-
pics: “Yo Rio, Ima let you finish plannin’
the 2016 Olympics, but I just wanna tell
ya the Chicago World’s Fair was the great-
est world event of all time, of all time!”
Variety reports Barack Obama is slat-
ed to direct biopic about himself upon
leaving office. He is rumored to already
be nominated for an Academy Award.
Attention all creative writers: The
Muddler is looking for lampoon-
ers and editors of all kinds. If you
are interested, please alert us
through e-mail at ‘themuddler.
smu@gmail.com’.
The Muddler 1
IFC Kicks SMU Admins Off Campus
SMU-- In a stunning decision for the first time like everyone
reached just after midnight, the else. Wait, did you say I was the
Interfraternity Council (IFC) voted Chairman of the Interfraternity
to remove the SMU administra- Council? Wow, today has been
tion from campus. The decision rather informative.”
was reached after SMU properly While the decision is final to re-
registered an move the SMU
on-campus administration
party that no from campus
one went to, for three years,
because it was some matters
“super gay, still need to be
bro.” sorted out.
The admin- Rumor has it
istration must Don’t mess with the ultra-powerful IFC.
that Meadows
move out by will be torn down
Friday at the latest before their and turned into a water park, but
offices are locked up. instead of water, it will be filled
When President Turner was with Keystone Light. One con-
reached for comment, he replied, firmed change to the university
“While the decision saddens me, I is that Dallas Hall will be trans-
see no point in fighting it because formed into a Roman Coliseum
well over two-thirds of the mem- where professors must battle to
bers of the Board of Trustees are the death with a lion in order to
alums of one of the fraternties achieve tenure.
present on campus and they’re Other changes to be instituted
backing the decision. I am, how- include freshman being paddled
ever, suing for joint custody of at Mustang Corral, newly reinstat-
the fountains. On this issue I will ed KAs will host weekly screen-
not go quietly into the night.” ings of Birth of a Nation on main
IFC President Joe Snyder tells quad, and in Dedman, grunting
the Muddler, “I literally don’t and sleeveless shirts will be re-
remember the last week, so I’m in quired while weightlifting. Listen-
the same boat of hearing all this ing to Fall Out Boy is optional.

Dear Christian,
My girlfriend is ten years older than me. Is that a
problem?
-Cougar Catcher
CC,
Nice initials. I date women of all ages: high
schoolers, co-eds, MILFS, etc. But I have a certain
affection for the older ladies. Like a good bottle of
wine, the older the better.
In fact, I believe women peak in their sexuality
around age 84. When the teeth come out, so does
their wild side. During the Great Depression, the
best birth control was learning to give a great blow
job. And that is why they are the greatest genera-
tion.
Enjoy thinking about that,
Christian Cornwallis
Dayly Campus Circulation Skyrockets as Economy Worsens
SMU— As the economy continues to flounder, one
business on campus is booming. SMU’s funniest
newspaper, The Dayly Campus, is flying off news-
stands. Its editor-in-chief claims the reason was due
to the rising quality of the paper.
Evidence, however, indicates otherwise.
Junior Lisa Raymond says that she started pick-
ing up Dayly Campuses just this September. When
asked why, she said, “Well, September was like
really rainy, and, like, I bought some amazingly cute
rain boots at Neiman Marcus, and then I bought an
awesome sorority rain jacket from McCartney’s, but
I just didn’t have enough money to get this really
precious umbrella that I saw in Burberry, so I now
pick up a Dayly Campus wherever I see it to protect
me from getting all wet in the rain.”
Freshman Kyle Murray has become an avid fan of
2 The Muddler
Dear Christian,
I met the most amazing guy. I was excited about
finally meeting a man who could be “the one.” And
then he casually dropped a bomb on me: He told me
he has herpes.
He left voicemails asking if we can go out on an-
other date soon, and I had to tell him I just couldn’t
date someone with an STD. My male friends sup-
port me, so why do I feel so guilty about this? Is it
wrong of me not to date someone because of his
STD status?
-Herpes Hating Hag
HHH,
I can’t seem to figure out why your male friends
don’t want some herped out dude hitting it. Oh
wait, that’s because when they get you drunk and
try to bag you they don’t want to catch a case of
the gift that keeps on giving.
As for your prejudice against this leaky dream
boat; if he’s “the one” then you’ll get those lovely
little sores soon enough.
Best of luck with the virus volcanoes,
Christian Cornwallis
the Dayly Campus too. He tells us, “Well, the other
night in Umph was Mexican Night, and the day after
I had serious digestion problems. All the McElvaney
restrooms were out of toilet paper due to budget
cuts, so I used the Dayly Campus. I especially liked
using John Paul Green’s opinion column. It was ass-
on-ass.”
Other reasons listed by students for picking up
the Dayly Campus included: using it to kill a spider,
using it for scratch paper, using it to make a bed
on your floor so your one night stand doesn’t sleep
in your bed, using it to roast a pig if you’re that
douche from Hawaii and as a drinking game where
you take shots every time you find a typo.
The last reason clearly explains why SMU has
recently had so many alcohol related incidents.
Cracker Ass NBC Attempts To Be “More Colorful”
NEW YORK CITY— The notoriously white bread
National Broadcast Company (NBC) has recently
launched a new marketing campaign for its fall sea-
son with the slogan “More Colorful.”
The network of former mega-hit shows Seinfeld
and Friends, whose main casts were entirely Cau-
casian, has been accused
repeatedly of catering solely
to white audiences. But this
year is different.
“With a black man being
voted into the White House,
we have come to realize
times have changed,” stated
Jeff Gaspin, Chairman of NBC
Universal Television Enter-
tainment. “Apparently, there
is an audience out there for So, no one at NBC thought this was offensive?
minority characters. So, we have made sure all of
our new shows are chockfull of them.
“That’s really the whole strategy behind the
‘More Colorful’ campaign: to show people that
there are in fact minority characters in our television
shows—and not all of them are criminals.”
The new ad campaign, however, has not been
received well by everyone. Many loyal NBC viewers
have written in to complain about seeing “minori-
Point System: You Must Earn Your Debauchery
SMU— The SMU Task Force, a ridiculously cool-
titled group of four nerds, has recently instituted a
point system wherein groups and fraternities must
earn points before they are awarded Thursday
night, alcohol permitted parties.
“We wanted to take something terrible, like the
death of an SMU student by drug use,” said Task
Force chief nerd Howard Kowinski, “and turn it into
a fun and absolutely futile game in which points
are acquired in order to host parties to recruit and
molest young men and women.”
In the point system, 15 points must be earned
before recruitment and molestation can occur on
Thursday nights at alcohol-allowed bus parties.
Groups can earn points by attending Mandatory
Organization Meetings (5 points), having a 3.0 (3
October 2009 3
ties pop-up out of nowhere,” as was declared by
Jim Gladstone.
NBC executives have recognized this problem
and declared they are not backing down from their
new initiative. “We don’t want to alienate any of
our long-time viewers,” declared NBC President and
CEO Jeff Zucker, “but we re-
ally have no choice.
“We have spent untold
millions on this initiative so
far and to scrap it now would
really piss off our investors.
There’s not as much money
to go around as there used
to be.”
So, at least for this year,
main cast minority charac-
ters on NBC shows are here
to stay. Gaspin assured NBC viewers, however, that
no minorities would be playing the sole lead in a
show. “Maybe in the future,” he declared, “but cer-
tainly not this year. We’re just not ready for that.”
Good call Gaspin. America may be ready for a
black man to run their country, but to have a black
man as the sole lead in an NBC television show? No
God-fearing American is ready for that.
points), pretending to be interested in community
service (3 points), scoring a field goal (3 points),
toilet-papering the Beta House (2 points), and
having your alumni on the SMU Board of Trustees
(priceless).
And while students have been frustrated by the
new system, one group has been hurt more than
any other: bus companies. “I used to live off of
freshman stumbling on and off my bus,” said bus
driver Freddie Jones. “My children are starving. Earn
your points! My kids need shoes.”
The fraternities, however, did not seem as both-
ered by the lack of buses. “It’s cheaper this way,”
said a fraternity member who wished to remain
anonymous. “We just let the drunk freshman drive
to the parties now.”
Rap Lyric of the Month:
See, niggas come by talkin’ ‘bout they make it rain
I’ll make that bitch Katrina
Song: “Alright” by Twista (feat. Kanye West)
Musings from R. Gerald
From: R. Gerald Turner
To: Students
As some of you know, SMU is not immune to
tough economic times, which makes funding my
extravagances that much harder. I would increase
your tuitions again, but that may lead to some of
you losing your BMWs and that would simply be
bad for morale—and worse, for image.

I was recently hit with a dilemma. I wanted to

Picture of student at the Mandatory Organization Meeting.
Celebrity Halloween Costumes
=Barack Obama as Ahmadinejad.
=Michael Vick as the kid from My Dog Skip.
=Whoopi Goldberg as that tranny South African
runner.
=Jesus Christ as a homeless person.
=Angelina Jolie as an underfed refugee.
=Megan Fox as slutty/talentless Angelina Jolie-Pitt.
=Maddox Jolie-Pitt as Aaden Gosselin.
=Jon and Kate plus 8 as another statistic.
build a new fountain, this one with a statue of
me, fully nude, with the head of a lion, water
gushing from my roaring mouth. I also wanted to
give a raise to June Jones, because, dagnabbit, a
man can’t comfortably live off two million dollars
a year. But the accounting department told me
there just wasn’t enough money for both. I wept
for hours.
But then the answer came to me, as if God him-
self was speaking to me from on high. The answer
is this: I will build a new, glorious, thirty foot tall
fountain in front of Ford Stadium, and any loose
change people throw in for good luck will be
scooped up and given to June Jones.
In conclusion, I thank God, Jesus, and me for this
beautiful and practical decision.

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those of the individual authors and not the
people who give us money to print this thing.
The Muddler Staff The ideas, articles and features are a collab-
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no liability for any injuries you incur while
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