FADE IN: EXT.

HARRY GREENBERG AGENCY - PARKING LOT - MORNING HANK and CHARLIE stroll across the parking lot. Charlie, suit and all, struggles to hang onto a plethora of luggage. Hank doesnt help, but its hard to hold it against him: hes a goddamned rock star. CHARLIE Thanks for driving, Hank. HANK Hey, mi car-sa es su car-sa, hombre. They reach HANKS BLACK PORSCHE And Charlie drops his luggage in the back of the car. HANK (CONTD) But if youre looking to compensate, I could go for one of those famous Runkle tug jobs. CHARLIE Youve got it, buddy. Im just looking forward to getting the hell out of here. HANK For a convention in San Diego? Id rather take an all-inclusive at Guantanamo. CHARLIE How narrow-minded of you. There are going to be boatloads of aspiring female writers who will do anything for representation. Charlie gives himself a once over. The representation. Anything. CHARLIE (CONTD)

HANK Im no Sylvia Brown, but me thinks there might be an ulterior motive to this trip.

2.

CHARLIE Marcy is breaking the sanctity of our marriage on an octo-daily basis. Its about time that Papa got some strange. You know, restore balance to the universe and whatnot. HANK Mixing metaphysics with problem solving? Thats a dangerous game, brother. CHARLIE You should give it a try sometime. Lets you justify pretty much anything. They both climb into the car. CHARLIE (CONTD) And what about you? The school was alright with you taking some time off? HANK Of course they werent. But what the Dean dont know cant get my ass canned. Hanks phone starts to buzz. HANK (CONTD) Oh -- busted. (taking the call; into phone) Deaners! Whats shaking? As Hank speaks, SUE COLLINI approaches. Shes looking as proud, powerful, and terrifying as ever. COLLINI Runkle. I always knew youd be riding bitch in this outfit. CHARLIE Hey, Sue. I missed you in the office. Collini throws a computer case onto Charlies lap. COLLINI You forgot your laptop. This isnt some sort of homosexual boy party. I need you to find me some real clients. She gestures to Hank, who hasnt even got the phone to his ear.

3.

Rough.

HANK

COLLINI And Runkle -- dont you get too gay on me. Im all for sexual exploration, but I still have dibs. And I like my beef bayonets completely dedicated. Eager. Fanny bandits just dont pack the same punch. CHARLIE Is there anything else? COLLINI No, I think that about covers it. Ill see you funboys later. Collini, out. Collini leaves them. Hank waves. Charlie looks like a victim of sexual assault. HANK (into phone) Yeah, look -- Ive got to go, but Ill bring you back something nice. Kisses. DEAN KOONS can be heard shouting through the phone: DEAN (filtered) Hank! Dont you dare hang up! If youre not in that classroom by noon -Hank shuts the phone, turns the ignition. The Porsche sputters as it comes to life. Looking over at Charlie: HANK Alright, Buddha. You ready to get sloppy? Charlie looks back, disgusted. Hank smiles. MAIN TITLES. INT. SAN DIEGO HOTEL - LOBBY - DAY Hank and Charlie enter the hotel. Both carry their luggage. Fuck me. HANK

The place is busy as hell. THRONGS OF PEOPLE mingle with one another, making it difficult to move through the lobby.

4.

Hank and Charlie push through the crowd to the front desk. A RECEPTIONIST greets them with a warm smile. CHARLIE Reservation for Charlie Runkle. RECEPTIONIST (after a moment) That was the penthouse suite? That was. CHARLIE

HANK Penthouse? Damn, Runkle, have you been working out? CHARLIE Its all on the agency, my friend. King-sized bed. Whirlpool tub. Fully functional refreshment center. Nine hundred square feet of class. HANK I assume this information is to be kept from a certain Collini? CHARLIE Oh god, yes. HANK Way to rage against the machine. CHARLIE I keeps it real. Hank looks around the lobby. Sees a GORGEOUS WOMAN, recognizes her. He quickly turns away. HANK Lordy. (off Charlies look) See that woman over there? CHARLIE Theres a lot of women over there. HANK Blue dress. Charlie scans the crowd.

5.

CHARLIE The one that makes me think that jail is worth it? Hank bites his lip. Nods. Shes hot. Sandra. CHARLIE (CONTD) HANK

CHARLIE You know her? HANK In the most intimate sense of the word. Inside and out. Emphasis on inside. CHARLIE Jesus, Hank. You ought to give seminars. HANK And I suppose youd get a cut of that, too? CHARLIE Supposing you ever gave one. HANK I dated her back in New York. PreKaren. CHARLIE I didnt realize you dated. HANK In a simpler time. Before Wifi and President Junior. Yeah, I shared a few milkshakes. The receptionist puts two key cards down on the counter. RECEPTIONIST Here are your room keys, gentlemen. Room number 3203. Enjoy your stay. HANK Many thanks. Hank and Charlie each take a card.

6.

CHARLIE So how about we drop off this luggage and hit the convention floor? Take a look at the merchandise. HANK Merchandise? CHARLIE Hey, Im rusty. Thats why I need you. Youve got to be there to guide me. Be my wingman. HANK I think youre flying this one solo, Maverick. Hank grabs their luggage. Makes for the elevator. CHARLIE What are you gonna do? HANK Call that little ex-smurf of yours. Make sure she hasnt gotten my daughter hooked on coke. Charlie takes a deep breath. Composes himself. Steps through the doors into the convention hall. INT. CHARLIE AND MARCYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Its eerily quiet. MARCY and BECCA sit on opposite couches facing one another. Neither speak. Marcy looks uncomfortable. Her eyes scan the room as she grasps for anything to break the silence. Becca looks forward with a dead stare. She doesnt want to be here. After a moment... MARCY We could play Stratego. You used to go bananas for that shit. No thanks. More silence. BECCA

7.

MARCY What about the movies? Theres that new one with the dogs that are spies. BECCA Im not really in the mood for it. Becca sighs. Marcy fidgets. This is really awkward. MARCY (to herself) God damn. Suddenly, the phone rings. Marcy practically leaps into THE KITCHEN And over to the receiver. She answers. MARCY (CONTD) (into phone) Hello? INTERCUT WITH: INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - DAY Hank against a wall, cellphone to his ear. A GROUP OF PEOPLE are near him having a conversation. HANK (into phone) Marzipan. How goes the female bonding? Have estrogen levels hit critical mass? Hank speaks loudly, intentionally overwhelming the nearby groups conversation. They look at him, irritated, and disperse down the hallway. MARCY (into phone) Oh, sweet Jesus, Hank. Marcy turns away from Becca. She speaks discreetly. MARCY (CONTD) (into phone) Its like shes a robot sent from the future to assassinate happiness.

8.

HANK (into phone) Im already selling the rights to James Cameron. MARCY (into phone) Youve got to help me. Were just sitting here. Im out of ideas. HANK (into phone) Alright. Put me in, coach. Marcy turns. To Becca: MARCY Its the one that birthed you. The hairier one. (then) Exchange pleasantries? BECCA Id rather not. Marcy spins back around. MARCY (into phone) Nuh uh. Are you kids fighting? HANK (into phone) Words were shared. Opinions expressed. I probably owe her a cellphone. MARCY (into phone) No, see. I cant let this happen. Not as Karens stunt cock. HANK (into phone) When were you awarded that prestigious title? MARCY (into phone) She leaves, I take over. Its friendship 101. Either way, Ima exorcise this she-demon of yours. By the time you get back, shell be begging to play Stratego.

9.

HANK (into phone) Stratego? Becca loathes that game. Like, serious vomit-inducing hate. MARCY (into phone) Whatever. Im fixing this child. END INTERCUT. INT. CHARLIE AND MARCYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY Marcy hangs up the phone. Takes a breath. Game face, baby. She turns and walks back towards Becca. Stops. Shopping? Becca shrugs. Okay. BECCA MARCY

She stands and walks past Marcy towards the front door. Marcy smiles. Silent fist pump. INT. HOTEL - HALLWAY - DAY Hank puts the phone into his pocket. He turns to find blue dress Sandra is standing right there with him. Hank goes from zero to panic in three seconds flat. Jesus. HANK

He instinctively jumps back a little. Hi, Hank. SANDRA

HANK Sandra. Sorry, I thought you were someone I was trying to avoid. SANDRA I didnt mean to scare you. Hank catches his breath.

10.

HANK Its cool. Im good. (then) So what are you doing all the way out here? This is a long shot from the NYC. SANDRA Youre actually going to think this is weird. Im a writer now. Screenwriter. HANK No shit. Well, good for you. Weve all got to start somewhere. SANDRA Yeah... (then) And what about you? I didnt think you had any new stuff. HANK Im just here with my Runkle. Nurturing budding talent and such. SANDRA Right. Short bald guy. Hes still your agent? HANK Were more like heterosexual life partners. SANDRA Thats great. Well, are you going to be speaking at all? Id love to hear some of your secrets. HANK Nah. Im not much of a performer. Hank Moody has always been more of a one-onone kind of guy. SANDRA I remember that. Hank fidgets. SANDRA (CONTD) Anyways, Ive got to run. Hope to see you around.

11.

HANK You will. Well definitely see each other around. Sandra smiles then walks past him down the hallway. Hank makes a puzzled face. INT. HOTEL - CONVENTION FLOOR - DAY The place is packed. Loaded with booths selling anything that can be advertised to amateur writers as performance enhancing. The poor saps are buying it, too. Charlie tries to mingle. Hes out of place, like the sweaty fat kid at a high school dance. He approaches a beautiful young redhead who is looking at pens designed to prevent arthritis. Seriously. Hi. CHARLIE

The redhead looks at him briefly. Old and bald is not her type. CHARLIE (CONTD) Are you a writer? She hums a little. Yes. CHARLIE (CONTD) Charlie Runkle. Im an agent. The redhead turns. Her face lights up. REDHEAD Are you looking for new clients? CHARLIE Thats why Im here. The redhead smiles. Hes just got to reel her in. FEMALE VOICE (O.S.) Charlie! Charlie Runkle! Charlie turns, looking for the source of the voice. Approaching him is JENNIFER WIGHT, a gorgeous brunette. She holds herself with authority, and damn, shes hot. She smirks seductively. Femme fatale.

12.

JENNIFER Its good to see youre keeping your hand out of your pants. The redhead gives Charlie a look of disgust. He smiles nervously, but it doesnt stop her from walking away. Charlie looks to Jennifer. CHARLIE Jennifer. Hi. JENNIFER I havent seen you since you got discharged. So to speak. And the videos? That must have been humiliating. CHARLIE Fresh wounds, Jennifer. But thank you for your obvious concern. JENNIFER Give it a break, Runkle. We all have our vices. Yours is flogging the mule. Mine is getting seated. What? CHARLIE

JENNIFER Its a euphemism for drinking. (off Charlies expression) Not important. I wanted to ask: you still represent Hank Moody, dont you? CHARLIE I do. As a matter of fact, hes working on a ton of new material. JENNIFER Honestly, not interested. Is he here? He is. CHARLIE

JENNIFER Great. I just had a speaker fall through on me and I need to fill the slot. Charlies expression changes. Hes smug as hell.

13.

CHARLIE Well, would you look at this. JENNIFER Come on, Runkle. If I had a choice it would be anyone else. But I dont. CHARLIE Really? Well -He gives her the finger. Make that a double. CHARLIE (CONTD) Fuck you!!! JENNIFER I had a feeling youd say that. CHARLIE Yeah, well, I might have got the boot for pulling my shit, but I still have my dignity. Jennifer smirks. She takes a step forward. Whispers seductively into his ear: JENNIFER You know, the whole office got a kick out of that Dani thing. But me? Lets say laughter wasnt my instinctive response. Jennifer is pressed right against him now. Charlies eyes are closed. Hes really getting into it. JENNIFER (CONTD) Id like for us to be friends, Charlie. And friends help each other out. Her hand is navigating dangerously low. JENNIFER (CONTD) Dont you want to be my friend? She playfully bites at Charlies ear. He groans. CHARLIE Alright! You can have Hank. JENNIFER Great. Hes on at four. Be early.

14.

She saunters off. Charlie smiles childishly. EXT. VENICE STRAND - DAY Becca and Marcy come out of a boardwalk clothing store. GENERIC BEACHSIDE STEREOTYPES pass them. MARCY Did you see Joe Tattoo in there? Shit, sister. Hes got more barbed wire than an internment camp. Becca laughs. Marcy looks at her. Smiles. Shes in. MARCY (CONTD) So, Becca. Whats going on with you and the Hank lately? BECCA What do you mean? MARCY Come on. I know the two of you aint right. Whats the deal? BECCA I dont know. MARCY Girl talk, sweetie. You and me. BECCA Its just... with Mom in New York. (beat) Its almost like they dont care about me. MARCY Honey, of course they care. Those rents of yours would do anything for you. Im talking hard time. BECCA Yeah, I know. But its like Im just an extension of their lives. Something they have to deal with. Oh, Becca. MARCY

Marcy puts her arm around Becca and rubs her back.

15.

MARCY (CONTD) Theyre trying to figure out their own stuff right now. Youve got to be strong. BECCA But Im always the strong one. Why should I suffer because they cant get their lives together? Im the kid. She hit it dead on. Marcys heart breaks a little. Im sorry. MARCY

Marcy rests her head on Beccas. The two walk silently along the boardwalk. INT. HOTEL - HANK & CHARLIES ROOM - DAY Hank, wearing just his shirt and briefs, digs through the fridge. Using the front of his shirt as a pouch, he loads up on miniature liquor bottles. Charlie comes in through the front door and throws his hands into the air. San Diego! CHARLIE

Hank jumps, lets go of his shirt. Tiny bottles roll all over the floor. HANK Christ, Runkle. You scared the pants right off of me. CHARLIE Hank, Im getting laid. HANK (proud mother) I knew this day would come. Some shebutch is finally going to pop your proverbial man cherry. CHARLIE That she-butch happens to be Jennifer Wight -- undeniably the hottest of the UTK agents.

16.

Oh really?

HANK

CHARLIE Oh yes. This is just what I need -just a good old fashioned lay to get back at Marcy. (then) I should film it. HANK Revenge sex upon revenge sex. CHARLIE As the world turns. HANK And what does a gorgeous woman like this Jennifer want with a swamp creature such as yourself? What? CHARLIE

HANK Quid pro quo, Charlie Runkle. A beat. Charlie fidgets. Its that nervous smile again -- like he is just realizing what hes gotten Hank into. HANK (CONTD) Uh oh. I know that face. CHARLIE I might have told her that you would give a lecture. No. HANK

Hank turns, heads for his room. CHARLIE Oh, come on! It wont be so bad! HANK Its not happening. CHARLIE Hank -- Hank, wait! Hank stops. Looks at Charlie.

17.

CHARLIE (CONTD) If you dont do this, it falls on me -I lose a business contact, and, more importantly, I dont get laid. (beat) I need this, man. HANK Really? With the guilt? And the sad eyes? Jesus. No man should ever lay down his pride for the snatch. CHARLIE What can I say? Im desperate. HANK Yeah, well -- if you werent so pathetic, I dont know if we could be friends. Charlie takes a miniature bottle from the counter. CHARLIE Ill drink to that. (beat) What are you doing all alone up here, anyways? HANK Avoiding confrontation with the ghost of girlfriends past. Great movie, by the way. Sandra? Hank nods. CHARLIE (CONTD) Oh, come on. It was like, a quarter century ago. HANK Its not that simple. She was obsessed with me. Make-a-suit-out-of-my-skin obsessed. Really? CHARLIE CHARLIE

HANK Hells yeah. A real life celebrity stalker.

18.

CHARLIE What happened? HANK We went on a few dates. Nothing serious. But she thought she was in love with me or something. For months, shed call me, intentionally bump into me on the street -- that sort of thing. A pause. CHARLIE Thats it? Sounds like an innocent infatuation to me, Hank. HANK You think its a coincidence that she became a writer? How is that anything but clinical insanity? CHARLIE Youve got issues, bud. HANK (to himself) Ah, what do you know? He slams back a drink. INT. HOTEL - CONVENTION FLOOR - DAY Hank and Charlie wade through the the masses of aspiring writers. Within a moment, they can see THE STAGE Looming at the far side of the convention floor. They head towards it, stopping just outside of the AUDIENCE. Jennifer approaches them. JENNIFER I thought I told you to be early. CHARLIE Listen, Jennifer, I -HANK We got here on time, sister. No harm done.

19.

Jennifer catches a whiff of them. They reek of alcohol. JENNIFER Oh god. Youve been drinking. HANK True. Well, me more than he. Runkle doesnt take well to the hard stuff. JENNIFER Is this a joke, Charlie? HANK Woah, hey now. Lets not fight amongst ourselves -- thats what the liquor wants. JENNIFER You had better not fuck this up, Hank. HANK See, Im very delicate. I cant work with this sort of hostility. Charlie -Hank tries to leave but Charlie stops him. CHARLIE Hey, come on. Jennifer, cool it. Let Hank do his thing. HANK Thats right. Ive never done one of these sober, anyways. JENNIFER Just get to the stage. Im on it. HANK

Hank strolls over towards the stage. JENNIFER I cant watch this. Jennifer leaves. Charlie stands awkwardly. DISSOLVE TO: INT. HOTEL - CONVENTION FLOOR - DAY Right by the stage. Hanks mouth drops.

20.

No shit.

HANK

The current speaker is Sandra. SANDRA (to audience) So, the lesson I hope you all walk away with is this: dont let anyone say you cant be a writer. Each and everyone one of you has what it takes to make it in this business. Youve just got to go after it. Assert yourselves. Sandra looks down, sees Hank. She smiles. SANDRA (CONTD) And that is my lead in for our next speaker. Someone you all should be aware of, and one of the great authors of our generation. Hank Moody. Sandra points to Hank. He waves. The audience claps. SANDRA (CONTD) Thanks for your time. The audience applauds as Sandra steps down. Hank is up. He looks out onto the SEA OF PEOPLE. Hundreds of eyes looking right back at him. Any other person would be trembling -- but not Hank. Especially not drunk Hank. He clears his throat as he takes the microphone. HANK Hank Moody. The audience is silent. HANK (CONTD) Christ. (then) Well, unlike my prestigious colleague, Sandra, I dont really have a lot of advice for young writers -- no, hold it. I would like to say this: screenwriting isnt actually writing, okay, despite what the word might infer. He meets Sandras eyes. She shakes her head.

21.

HANK (CONTD) Thats right. See, because writing is about hundreds of hours spent in agonizing silence with nothing but a blank page and a bottle of Jack. Not circle-jerking with a bunch of other no-talent fucks and building the story arch for the next season of Dharma & Greg. The audience is starting to talk. Theyre turning on him. HANK (CONTD) And, I mean, movies these days arent any better than television. No screenplay with an ounce of style or originality ever makes it past preproduction. Instead, some Hollywood exec uses it to wipe up after he finishes blowing his load all over the script for the next installment of Legally Blonde. Believe me; I know. I got a taste of that spunk during the making of A Crazy Little Thing Called Love. SOME GUY in the audience pipes up: SOME GUY That movie sucked! People around him laugh. He gives Hank a look. Hotshot. HANK Right on, brother. That movie did suck. But I guarantee its better than anything that youll ever write. (then) That pretty much goes for all of you. Maybe one of you will write a commercial for a cleaning product, or get a short story published in a magazine. But for the most part, none of you will ever write anything worth reading, and youll spend your lives scraping gum off the sidewalk for minimum wage. A beat. The audience has become quiet again. HANK (CONTD) I get the feeling that my time is up. You kids keep living the dream.

22.

Hank steps down from the stage to the bustling convention floor. Charlie meets him. CHARLIE What the hell were you thinking? HANK Who said I thought? With these things youve got to let the words flow. CHARLIE Well, youre riding that current all the way to the Black List. HANK Long live socialism. CHARLIE Yeah, joke now. Well see how funny it is when were both unemployed and starving. HANK I always have a career in education to fall back on. CHARLIE At this rate, thatll be over before you can say Bolshevik. Hank looks past Charlie. Jennifer is heading their way. HANK Speaking of angry revolutionaries with a taste for blood. He gestures to Jennifer. When Charlie turns to look, Hank makes a break for it. Hank -CHARLIE

Hank has already Jason Bourned into the crowd. Charlie. JENNIFER

Charlie twists back toward Jennifer. CHARLIE Jennifer. Look, Im really sorry about Hank.

23.

Jennifer sways. Her speech is slurred. JENNIFER Wheres he going? CHARLIE I dont know. He doesnt handle pressure well. JENNIFER He really told it like it is, you know? What a guy. (beat) And you, Charlie. I owe you one. Charlie takes a long look at Jennifer. CHARLIE Have you been drinking? Pft. Yes. Christ. JENNIFER CHARLIE

Jennifer braces herself against Charlie. CHARLIE (CONTD) Come on, Ill get you back to your room. JENNIFER Are we gonna have sex? CHARLIE We cant, Jennifer. Youre drunk. JENNIFER Ah, dont be such a fairy about it, Charlie. Fairy? CHARLIE

JENNIFER Poof. Queen. Whatever. CHARLIE (nervous laughter) Im not gay. Jennifer gives him a stern look.

24.

Prove it.

JENNIFER

EXT. HOTEL - PARKING LOT - NIGHT Hank sits alone on the curb. He punches a few numbers into his cellphone then puts it to his ear. A long beat. Its ringing through to the machine. ANSWERING MACHINE (V.O.) This is Karen. Leave a message and Ill get back to you soon. HANK (into phone) Hey, its me. Just calling to talk. Ive got this weird buzz going right now -- probably from the adrenaline of crushing hundreds of dreams simultaneously and the onset of a hangover. Anyways, Ill try you later, but I wanted -The phone beeps. Hank looks at it. Dead battery. Ah, shit. HANK (CONTD)

He pockets the phone. Lights a cigarette. INT. HOTEL - HANK & CHARLIES ROOM - NIGHT Hank comes into the room. Immediately makes for the bar. He paws through empty bottles like a hungry dog. He hears the door open. Without looking up: HANK Hey, Charlie, I think we might have to crash that funeral reception downstairs. The well has run dry. Hank? FEMALE VOICE

Hank stops, turns. Sandra is standing by the door. Sandra. HANK

25.

Hi.

SANDRA

An awkward beat. Then... HANK Look, I know how things are in New York, but casual B&Es are sort of frowned upon in these parts. SANDRA Im sorry. I ran into Charlie and he gave me the key. I was hoping we could talk? HANK Well, youre interrupting a pretty tight schedule of heavy drinking and autoeroticism. (off her look) But I guess I could make an exception. Great. Drink? SANDRA HANK

He gestures to the empty bottles. SANDRA Oh. That reminds me. I brought you something. HANK A puppy? For true? Sandra takes a bottle of scotch from her purse. Next time. Dag, yo. SANDRA HANK

SANDRA Listen, Hank. Im just going to jump right into it. I know that our past makes you uncomfortable. But I need you to know that Im not that person anymore. I have my own life now. Ive grown.

26.

HANK You look about the same height to me. Hank pours himself a hefty glass of the hard. A smaller one for Sandra. SANDRA Joking aside -- I really want us to be friends. I mean, youre the reason that I became a writer. How pathetic is it if we cant even have a conversation? HANK Very. But Im referring more to the fact that you chose to model your life after an alcoholic shut-in. SANDRA Between that and the nine-to-five? Ill take the page any day. HANK Here, here. HANK (CONTD) (raising his glass) To friendship, and all the awkward situations that it brings. Sandra hits her glass to his. They both take long drinks. INT. CHARLIE AND MARCYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Marcy and Becca come in through the front door, carrying an obscene number of shopping bags. MARCY Hot damn, girl. We did us some shopping. Marcy drops everything on the couch. Sighs as she reorients herself. MARCY (CONTD) What say we take these bad boys for a spin? BECCA But I already tried everything on at the stores.

27.

MARCY Individually. You dont know how that shit will look conjunctified. The answering machine blinks in the kitchen. Marcy makes her way over and puts the phone to her ear. MARCY (CONTD) The Hank called. And? BECCA

Marcy listens on the phone for a beat. MARCY Its not going through. (then; groaning) Im gonna have to call Charlie. BECCA Whats so bad about that? MARCY Oh, sweetie. When you grow up and your husband leaves you for a perfidious whore, youll understand. Marcy reluctantly starts to dial. BECCA I can talk to him. Would you? MARCY

She passes Becca the phone. MARCY (CONTD) Jeez. I ought to keep you around as an ambassador for all affairs Runkle. INT. HOTEL - JENNIFERS ROOM - NIGHT Charlie and Jennifer are really going at each other. Shes on top. He watches from below, his face locked in the I cant believe this is happening expression. Suddenly, his phone rings. He answers.

28.

CHARLIE (into phone) Hank? INTERCUT WITH: INT. CHARLIE AND MARCYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT Becca holds the phone. Marcy watches with anticipation. BECCA (into phone) No, this is Becca. Charlie groans. Becca and Marcy can hear the entire ordeal -his voice, her voice, the squeaky bed, and the sound of clapping flesh -- filtered through the phone. CHARLIE (into phone) I dont know a Becca. BECCA (into phone) Becca Moody. Hanks daughter. Charlie shoots up. He shoves Jennifer away and covers up with a blanket. CHARLIE (into phone) Becca! What -- why are you doing calling me? Becca has already given up. Marcy takes the phone. MARCY (into phone) Charlie? CHARLIE (into phone) Marcy!? MARCY (into phone) What the hell is going on? CHARLIE (into phone) What do you mean whats going on? You called me!

29.

MARCY (into phone) Jesus -- are you having sex? CHARLIE (into phone) So what if I am? Youve been having all kinds of fucked up sex! MARCY (into phone) Not with an impressionable child listening, Charlie! CHARLIE (into phone) You called me!!! Marcy is completely disgusted. She holds the phone like its a dead animal as she pushes the power button. END INTERCUT. INT. HOTEL - JENNIFERS ROOM - NIGHT Charlie sits on the edge of the bed. Hes sweating bullets. JENNIFER That was Marcy? As in, your wife Marcy? CHARLIE Yes, Im afraid it was. JENNIFER I forgot you had a wife. You bastard. She rolls off the bed. Starts to put on her clothes. Clearly still drunk. CHARLIE Were separated. JENNIFER Yeah, sure you are. God. Suddenly, JENNIFER FALLS INTO A WALL And hits the ground. Hard.

30.

CHARLIE Are you alright?! JENNIFER Get out of here, Runkle. Charlie doesnt know how to process whats just happened. Slowly, he picks up his clothes. Wearing only his underwear and socks, he heads for the door. INT. HOTEL - HANK & CHARLIES ROOM - NIGHT Hank and Sandra sit next to one another on the couch. The bottle of scotch stands on the coffee table in front of them. HANK No shit. Maid In Manhattan? SANDRA Im serious. Oh, and youll like this: I did one of the rewrites on Legally Blonde. HANK Jesus, woman. How do you sleep? Sandra laughs, then stares affectionately at Hank as he finishes his glass of scotch. What else? HANK (CONTD)

Rather than respond, Sandra quickly moves in and kisses him for a long beat. After: HANK (CONTD) Woah. What happened to friendship? SANDRA Ever heard of fuck buddies? HANK Certainly. But I think youre eluding the point. Sandra grins as she works her way across the couch into his lap. SANDRA Theres just something about you. This raw, sexual energy.

31.

HANK And on that note, I think we had better put the bottle away -Sandra pulls her shirt off in one swift motion. SANDRA Fuck me, Hank. She presses herself against him and forces her tongue into his mouth. Within seconds there is a knock at THE DOOR Hank tries to look over, but Sandra isnt letting him go anywhere. HANK (into Sandras mouth) I should get that. She releases Hank. He stands. Another knock as he makes his way over. HANK (CONTD) God damnit, Runkle. Hank opens the door to find a little boy, no more than eight years old. Woah. HANK (CONTD)

SANDRA (O.S.) Oh my god, Tony! Sandra quickly throws her shirt on, then rushes to the door and embraces her son. She looks up to Hank. HANK I take it he belongs to you? Sandra nods. To Tony: SANDRA What are you doing here? Is everything alright? TONY I got scared.

32.

SANDRA Oh, honey. (hugging Tony) I dont know what Im paying that nanny of yours for. HANK Great. You brought a nanny. So youll get this sorted out and well resume foreplay in, say... fifteen? Sandra gives Hank a sour look. HANK (CONTD) What? It was a joke. SANDRA (to Tony) Why dont you go wait outside, sweetheart. Mommys just going to say good-bye to her friend here. She opens the door, and Tony walks out into the hallway. Then, she turns back to Hank with a look that could kill. SANDRA (CONTD) What kind of a mother do you think I am, Hank? HANK Something tells me Im about to find out. SANDRA (grabbing her things) Well, you must think pretty poorly of me to suggest Id abandon my son so I can get laid. Who does that? Hank doesnt respond. SANDRA (CONTD) Ill see you around, Hank. She hastily opens the door and steps out into the hallway. Hank turns and faces the empty suite. DISSOLVE TO:

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INT. HOTEL - HANK & CHARLIES ROOM - NIGHT Hank is sunk deep in the couch, fading in and out of sleep. He holds the empty bottle of scotch in his hands. Suddenly, there is another knock at the door. Hank forces his eyes open. Groans. HANK That had better be you, Runkle! He pauses for a moment, waiting for a response. Then: CHARLIE (O.S.) (muffled through the door) Hank! Hank forces himself up, then walks to the door. As he turns the handle, a very half-naked Charlie pushes his way in. HANK The king returns. (off Charlies look) Why so soft, Runkle? CHARLIE Forces are at work against me, Hank. The universe has chosen to punish me, for one reason or another. HANK Sounds like your night was about as successful as mine. Charlie sits down on the couch. Hank follows. HANK (CONTD) Come on, gimmie the deets. CHARLIE I had it. I was in bed with the hottest woman that has ever talked to me. Then Becca called. HANK My Becca? You talked to my daughter while you were fucking? Christ, Runkle. CHARLIE Hey! She called me, man! She was probably trying to get a hold of you!

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Charlie waves his cellphone at Hank. Oh. HANK

(then) Thats still pretty fucked up. CHARLIE You think I dont know that? (beat) Long story short, Jennifer heard Marcy through the phone and very suddenly remembered Mrs. Runkle. HANK Oh, thats a deal breaker. CHARLIE No shit. But you know what the funny thing is? Hank grunts. What? CHARLIE (CONTD) After I heard Marcy on the phone, all I wanted was to be with her. You know? I dont care about getting even. I just want to put all this bullshit behind us and get back to the way things were. HANK Well, having sex with unfamiliar women isnt exactly a great place to start. CHARLIE Youre right. Youre absolutely right, Hank. Im a fuck up. She deserves someone better. HANK Come on. Youre the only one for that deranged Oompa-Loompa, and deep down, she knows it. But weve put these ladies of ours through some serious shit. Its only fair that we suffer every once in awhile. CHARLIE Yeah, well, easy for you to say. Youve got Karen.

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HANK For now. Im bound to fuck it up eventually. It seems to be in my nature. CHARLIE Two children in mens bodies. HANK Retarded children. Word. A moment. HANK Well, what say we head home. Take another swing at it. CHARLIE I could support such an endeavor. HANK (standing) Shall we loot? After you. CHARLIE CHARLIE

HANK Dibs on the shower curtain. Hank springs away as Charlie sizes up the living room. EXT. CHARLIE AND MARCYS HOUSE - MORNING Hanks rolls the Porsche up to the curb. He cuts the ignition and looks over to Charlie. Fast asleep. HANK Here we are. Home sweet home. Charlie doesnt move. His mouth hangs open as he snores. HANK (CONTD) Charlie. (beat) Charlie Runkle. (prods him) Hey. Dingus.

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Charlie lifts his head and looks around. CHARLIE Where are we? HANK The dragons lair. Get your head in the game. Charlie is like a zombie. Barely awake, he reaches back for his luggage and opens the door. CHARLIE Thanks again, buddy. HANK No worries. Good luck, champ. Charlie disappears up the driveway as Hank lights a cigarette. Long beat. Suddenly, Becca appears at the passenger door. She drops a number of shopping bags in the back and sits down. HANK (CONTD) Hey there, little bear. Whats with all the baggage? BECCA Marcy took me shopping. Becca stares forward, waiting patiently for Hank to start the car. Shes not going to make this easy on him. HANK I thought maybe we should talk. BECCA Okay. Talk. HANK Fuck. Alright. (then) I know youre mad at me, okay? I get it. Youre trying to live your life, and Im getting in the way. I guess Im having some trouble adjusting. And without your mom... He takes a deep drag.

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HANK (CONTD) I mean, hell. Shes the parent in this arrangement weve got. I need her as bad as you do. I need you both. And right now, I dont have either. After a moment, Becca looks toward Hank. She has tears in her eyes. BECCA You do have me, dad. Im your daughter. Youre always going to have me. But I deserve a life, too. HANK I know you do. And Im sorry that I dont always get that. Im a little slow. But I love the shit out of you. Id do anything to make you happy. Youre just going to have to help me out. Becca hugs Hank tightly. We cool? HANK (CONTD)

She nods, still pressed against his chest. Cool. HANK (CONTD)

As Becca releases him, Hank fires up the Porsche. HANK (CONTD) Now how about some breakfast? Pancakes? BECCA

HANK Pancakes? Come on. The poor mans waffle? Yeah. BECCA

HANK (to himself) Cheap date. Hank slides on his sunglasses. Kicks it into gear.

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Becca smiles at him as they pull off the curb. The sun sits low in the California sky as they speed into the distance. FADE OUT. END OF SHOW