Kornl Akurtni

The Lousy Thing

Leif sat in his old wooden chair by the window looking through the freshly cleaned glass. The garden lay in a soundless grey shadow stretching death over the stray leaves that flecked the barren ground. He rested his cold hands on his tights. They felt snow, chill, moist snow. The snow that filled the same garden about thirty years ago, this time of the year. He shot glances at the children while he was assembling a sleigh in the shed. alerie and Hal were in an endless whirl of glee and laughter !laying around the house, casting snowballs at each other. "erveless fury flooded him as he failed to !iece together !arts of the sleigh. #iece after !iece he grumbled and cursed $the lousy thing$, as he thought of it. %hen he was finally done, his anger, magnified by the s!lashes of snow on the outer wall of the shed, did not cease. He could not feel &oy out of the com!letion of his work. He strode out of the shed with the sleigh in his hand, !laced it on the snowcovered ground and started towards the house. He was half way when something bum!ed into his leg. He turned. 't was alerie, his daughter. (he hugged him with grateful adoration. (he hugged him with her entire body. )Thank you dad* she said. He did not know what to say, or if to say anything at all. He stood fro+en until alerie !eeled off and ran back to the sleigh. He felt relief.

(itting in his !ale room now he felt alerie,s gri!!ling hands on his tights right below his cold !alms once again. The little fingers sank dee! into his flesh, !ushing through the skin. alerie entered the room !utting on her coat. )' cleaned the bathtub* she said. Leif turned and watched his grownu! daughter for a moment, irreversibly waking u! from the remembrance. )' don,t use it anymore* he said, then added reluctantly- )'t,s not that easy for me to get into it.* )The shower is all right too* she twined a scarf about her neck. )%hen are you coming ne.t/* he asked uneasily. )0hristmas 1ve* she said briefly as she disa!!eared into the corridor for a moment. %hen she came back she held a vase in her hand, filled with flowers. )Hal won$t make it this year. They are going skiing with the kids. He said they$ll send a card* she said and !laced the vase on the table ne.t to Leif. )'$m sure they will* Leif murmured. )%hat do you want for 0hristmas, dad/* she asked sliding her hands into her !ockets. )2o you need anything/* $A hug from my little daughter would do$ he thought to himself, but instead he said nothing. He never knew how to ask for these things. And never knew how to give them. He &ust let feelings ha!!en to him and then be washed away !assively. He sat still and waited for alerie to break the overwhelming silence. He waited for her to reach down to him and hug him wordlessly. )The old shoe cabinet in the hallway is so rickety* she !ro!osed. )2on$t you need a new one/*

)' can fi. it.* Leif answered nodding. )'ts doors are so loose '$m afraid they$ll come off the ne.t time ' o!en it* she said ignoring his father$s words. )' can fi. the lousy thing3* he broke out sullenly. )%e could get a new one for you, so why bother/* she sighed. )All right, dad. Then tell me what do you need.* )"othing.* )%ould you like a new !air of gloves/ The old ones...* )' don$t go out* he interru!ted her e.!ressionlessly. )' have nothing to do there.* He did not care to e.!lain. 1very business that had called him outside had been by!assed over the years one way or another. The trees had been cut, the firewood had been re!laced by gas, sho!4boys came around and his children !aid for all services. He had nowhere to go. He felt unnecessary. This was his notion of a living dead. "ot belonging to anyone, anywhere. $(he$s here and ' can$t talk to her.$ he thought. alerie was about to leave. Leif was holding onto his last strings of ho!e that she$d reach out to him right now. The room was wra!!ed in utter silence for a moment. )All right, dad* alerie said in a softened tone. )%e$ll get a sur!rise then.* Leif let out an inaudible groan, his hands &erked into shaking fists. $'n a minute she$ll walk out through that door$ he thought. He wi!ed a dro! of tear with his !alm and grabbed the armrest of the wooden chair. )5oodbye dad* alerie said and left before he could get u!.

Leif sli!!ed back into his chair. He watched her daughter !ass along the dark and inert garden to her car. He sat and hung his heavy head for a while. His knees echoed the creak of the chair as he got u!. He started towards the shed to get the tools. Tools to fi. the lousy4shoe4cabinet4thing.