INT. CRYOGENIC HOLDING ROOM - USS RIPTIDE A space scientist in a white lab coat with a nerdy demeanor, Dr.

Archibald, walks through aisle after aisle of cryogenic holding tanks. Many of the specimens are human, but some are animals, chimps, cats, lizards. In other tanks there are frozen brains bubbling or severed limbs. Dr. Archibald checks his iManifest device. DR. ARCHIBALD (mumbling) S-4276... S-4277... S-4278... Ah here we are. Cryogenicallly frozen in the tank is Matthew McConaughey, perfectly preserved as his 45 year old self. The date on the plaque reads "Entry: 2016" Dr. Archibald presses the deconfig button. Tubes detach from the capsule. Whooshing and whirring sounds fill the room. A cloud of vapor obscures everything in a thick hanging fog. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY Alright, alright, alright. INT. MESS HALL - USS RIPTIDE Three space soldiers are seated at a table with MM. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY And so I says to Lucy "I don't give one tin shit if you're going into labor right now" I says "I can't do anything with this infernal elevator MUUUZAK playing. It's too distracting." The soldiers chuckle politely, unsure what they hell he's talking about. MM taps his pointer finger sagely against his temple three times. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY "Distracting" I said. "Like the soul is a hamster wheel that needs to be greased with the essence of our very own attention until we can see fit to make right that which we know should be done." Dr. Archibald approached the group, taps MM on the shoulder.

DR. ARCHIBALD Mr. McConaughey, I see that you are re-adjusting quite nicely. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY Yeah buddy. I was just regaling the boys here with a... SOLDIER 1 Doctor, isn't today supposed to be pork and beans day? Soldier 1 indicates the slop on his plate disgustedly. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY ...Tale from the past, a grade A epic number one... DR. ARCHIBALD Pork and beans have been moved to thursdays, on order of Central Command. SOLDIER 2 Fucking centcom. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY Man, I should tell you all about the time I had to give this speech at this fancy... SOLDIER3 Oh for the love of god, shut up! SOLDIER 1 Are you talking to me? SOLDIER 3 (mimicking in a dweeby nasal voice) "are you talking to me?" MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY I told everyone I was my own hero... SOLDIER 1 I've just about had it... First the pork and beans... Now you. DR. ARCHIBALD Central Command makes its decisions for it's own reasons... SOLDIER 3 (mimicking again) "first the pork and beans"... Soldier 1 has had it. His face a burning red, he stands up, grabs the metal dinner tray and takes a swipe a Soldier 3's

head. BUT McConaughey's head is in the way. He goes down with a crash. SOLDIER 2 Finally he quite talking. SOLDIER 3 Nice aim dingleberry. SOLDIER 1 I'll kill you. Overhead, red alert bells and lights begin to ring throughout the mess hall. PA SYSTEM (looping again and again) Alert! Alert! Proximity breach in quadrant 4! Battlestations! The soldiers scramble off in all directions. McConaughey lays on the floor. Even after getting bashed in the face, his hair is still perfect. Dr. Archibald considers helping MM. Then considers the alerts. DR. ARCHIBALD You'll be fine, I suspect. INT. BATTLESTATIONS - USS RIPTIDE A window out the side of the spaceship shows endless space and stars. Overlaid on the window is a green digital grid with red and yellow blips hovering across. Soldiers 1 2 and 3 are seated in full body laser turrets next to each other. SOLDIER 1 (to soldier 3) If I could turn this thing on you, you be toast. SOLDIER 3 Whatever, numnuts. SOLDIER 2 We got a bogey, 11:37 quadrant 4 subsection Eskimo. SOLDIER 1 Confirm. Soldier 1 locks on to the target, takes a shot at the taco shaped space vessel as it comes into visual distance. He misses.

SOLDIER 3 Nice shot! Not! Soldier 3 takes a shot and the flying taco ship goes up in a ball of burning plasma. SOLDIER 2 One more, 8:32 quadrant 4, subsection Applesauce SOLDIER 1 Confirm. Soldier 1 takes aim. Just as he's about to pull the trigger, McConaughey steps into frame behind him, puts a hand on his shoulder. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY So as I was saying, allright, me and this gal got trapped in an elevator and... Soldier 1 squeezes the trigger and misses horribly. SOLDIER 3 Holy shit that was bad. Soldier 3 blazes the taco ship. SOLDIER 1 McConaughey!!! MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY ... And I'm like "distraction"... MM taps the side of his head with his index finger. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY You see? Distraction, that elevator MUUZAAK. SOLDIER 2 Multiple bogeys. Aw fuck, that must be half the imperial fleet! A huge crashing sound. We see enemy lasers ripping the USS Riptide to shreds. A hole is torn in the hull. Soldier 1 is torn from his battle seat out into space. As he is being ejected, he is furiously shaking his fist. SOLDIER 1 Fuck you McConaughey. I'll kill youuuuuuu!!!! And whoosh he is gone. MATTTHEW MCCONAUGHEY Alright, alright, alright.

And then they are all swept out into space. FADE OUT