4 Mistakes Couples Make 2 ND Ed

4 MISTAKES COUPLES MAKE WHEN
(AND HOW TO AVOID THEM)
OPENING UP
2ND EDITION
BY Marcia Baczynski
This publication is protected under the US Copyright Act of 1976 and all other applicable international, federal, state and local laws, and all rights are reserved. Please do not distribute this eBook in any way. Please do not sell it, or reprint any part of it without written consent from the author, except for the inclusion of brief quotations in a review. Always include a link to www.successfulnonmonogamy.com. Please note that much of this publication is based on personal experience and anecdotal evidence. Although the author has made every reasonable attempt to achieve complete accuracy of the content in this Guide, she assumes no responsibility for errors or omissions. Also, you should use this information as you see fit, and at your own risk. Your particular situation may not be exactly suited to the examples illustrated here; in fact, its likely that they wont be the same, and you should adjust your use of the information and recommendations accordingly. Finally, use your own wisdom as guidance. Nothing in this Guide is intended to replace common sense, legal, medical or other professional advice, and is meant to inform and entertain the reader. Copyright 2013 Marcia Baczynski and Asking For What You Want, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide.
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Table Of Contents Introduction ....................................................4 About Marcia Baczynski ...................................8 Mistake #1: Not Knowing Where Youre Going ......11 Mistake #2: Moving Too Fast (Or Too Slow) ........18 Mistake #3: Trying to Avoid Jealousy ................26 Mistake #4: Trying To Be The Perfect Poly Person.........................................................32 Where To Go From Here ................................37
Introduction
Ive lost count of how many times Ive seen this happen: A couple decides theyre going to open up. One or both of them then goes and sleeps with someone else. Hurt feelings ensue. The couple starts fighting. Trust is broken. One of them says, I cant believe you did that! The other says But we said we were open! Anger, heartbreak, and betrayal flood out. And then everyone decides that open relationships never work. The thing is, open relationships are relationships. And relating is something that happens in real time. Its a process, a co-exploration, a way of being with each other as stuff comes up. Making a decision like being open as though it were a one-time switch to be flipped makes no sense. What does that process look like? Conversations. Check-ins. Trying things and seeing how it goes. Being willing to back-track. Reassurance. More conversations. Sounds like a lot of work, right? It is. (Theres a reason some people call polyamory the grad school of relationships.) The good news? This process, done with patience, mutual support and love, often leads to incredible intimacy, and ultimately, can lead to open relationships that do work. Everyones story is unique, and each couples definition of success is different. One couple I worked with had been together since their late teens. They were madly in love, had 2 kids, established careers and 17 years of marriage under their belts. They had absolutely no intention of leaving one another, but both felt there were sexual experiences they had missed out on in their 20s that their peers 4 | www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
had had. They didnt want to create partnerships with anyone else, but they also didnt want to just have anonymous sex with people off the internet. Through our work together, we found places for each partner to explore their sexuality in ways that felt safe emotionally and physically. Another couple came to me because they had hit an unexpected snag. The female partner had wanted to open up to explore her bisexuality and was interested in forming a long-term relationship with a woman, without taking anything away from her husband. He was supportive of this idea, and they decided they would both try dating to see what it was like. Neither of them was prepared when she was blindsided with mind-numbing jealousy when he was out with another woman. It turned out that they had different motivations for cultivating other relationships. She wanted a partner who could be a potential addition to their family, whereas he wanted a sexy friend who was outside of the family unit. In his desire for autonomy and extra, she perceived her husband as wanting her out of the way. But in his view, he wanted to keep what he had with his wife as central and special. Once they both understood their different motivations, they were able to make decisions about who and how to pursue other interests in a way that had them both feel loved and cared for. A third couple came to me when they had just moved to a new city. These two women, one lesbian and one bisexual, had been together for three years. They had dabbled in the play party scene in their previous town, but the scene there was very small and they both felt vulnerable to judgment and drama there. Despite being supportive of each other, neither woman felt comfortable doing much outside of their relationship. Now that they were in a bigger city, they wanted help in finding a women-oriented scene where the bisexual partner wouldnt be criticized if she also dated or hooked up with men. Through our work together, we were able to work through their different fears of judgment and they 5 | www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
found a community of poly-friendly, sex-positive friends who were supportive of both womens sexual expressions and relationship.
What Makes for Success

Ive worked with hundreds of individuals and couples like this. Each story is unique, but there are three things that contribute to couples feeling like opening up is a good and successful part of their relationship. Both partners have the same understanding of their own relationship. When you talk to one partner, they will say the same things about the relationship as the other partner does. When one partner thinks things are on the marriage track, and the other thinks they are dating casually, opening up is only going to accelerate the problems that already exist. On the other hand, even if the relationship is more casual or the partners are ambivalent about staying together as a romantic pairing, if both partners are clear about that, opening up can work well. It appears to matter less what page youre on than that youre on the same page. They are doing this as a team. Even if one person is more into it than the other, no one is pressuring the other to go along with it. Couples who open up as a team are listening to one another and paying attention to what works for both of them. They are looking for win/win solutions to challenges. They listen to each others fears and concerns. They are committed to finding ways to put both of their needs and desires on the table, collaboratively. These couples are not just looking for consent. They are looking for willingness to engage in what can be an edgy or frightening thing together. They treat one another with kindness and respect. This is perhaps the most important requirement for success in any relationship, open or not. Even when one partner says something that is difficult for the other
partner to hear, they listen with compassion and are gentle with each others vulnerabilities. You might notice that these three things are helpful, and perhaps necessary, for romantic relationships of any kind. And thats true. Successful open relationships, in many ways, are no different than any other kind of happy and successful relationship. Even with all those wonderful things in place, however, the most loving, happy couple might still fall to one of the four mistakes in this e-Book. Briefly, they are: Not knowing where youre going Moving too fast (or too slow) Trying to avoid jealousy Trying to be the Perfect Poly Person
In this book, Ill explain more about each of these mistakes and how they show up, plus give you some practical things you can do right now to avoid each of them. Its my hope that with these tools, you can avoid these common pitfalls and instead find yourself falling more deeply in love with each other as you create the kind of relationship most people only dream of.
About Marcia Baczynski

Hi, Im Marcia. Im an open relationship coach. Not only that, Ive been polyamorous for over 14 years, when my college boyfriend and I decided that we neither wanted to break up, nor get married right away, and we both wanted to see other people. Along the way, I made mistakes. Lots of them. I didnt know what I was trying to ask for. I didnt know how to listen to my partners as they communicated what they wanted. I thought we were on the same page when one of us used a word like open or love or safer sex. At times, I tried to move things along too quickly. Other times, I ignored the voice in my head and the feeling in my gut that said somethings not right here. None of these mistakes were comfortable or easy. Sometimes, Ive doubted whether this whole adventure was worth it. A little voice would creep into my head and say, Maybe you should just find a nice man or woman and settle down, but 14 years later, Ive come to the conclusion that it has been completely worth it. Ive also realized that with our regular family dinners, our worries about paying the bills and retirement funds and aging parents, our babysitting our lovers kids, and our businesses and going to work, my partners and I are as settled as anyone in their mid-to-late 30s can be. Its been my delight to work with hundreds of individuals and couples over the past 9 years as theyve found their way to creating ways of relating that are right for them. Ive been lucky enough to teach rooms of hundreds of people across the United States, and to appear on television, radio, newspaper and magazines around the world talking about open relationships, consent, healthy communication and sexuality.
I can only speak for myself, but the rewards of being vulnerable to love are tremendous. The awareness Ive cultivated in learning how to balance my needs and desires with my partners has allowed me to grow in ways that I cant imagine had my college boyfriend and I stayed monogamous. Some of this would have certainly come from maturity in any case, but there are things Ive learned about myself that could have only come from the juxtaposition of how I related to two or more partners simultaneously. I have learned how to stand up for my boundaries, and to respect others boundaries, not just in my word, but with the deepest, most caring intention as I can muster. I have learned how to be self-expressed sexually and to learn what risks just look scary and what risks actually are dangerous. Often, that lesson has surprised me. I have learned how to find enjoyment in awkward I really like you conversations and to allow connections to be nurtured at the level that makes sense for everyone involved, not just myself and my own desires. Ive gotten to enjoy fun flirtations that never moved beyond that and passionate affairs that have changed my entire perception of what I thought was possible in love and sex. And Ive gotten to do all of this while nurturing years of long-term relationships with partners I truly care about. For me, its not about being polyamorous vs. being monogamous. At any given time, the form of my own relationships may be more open or closed. Its more about engaging in relationships in a way that allows for more authenticity and vulnerability, and thus, intimacy. Its about allowing another person to really get to know me, and getting to know another person in all the sweetness and innocence that comes with being excited about them. Its about choosing experiences that are healthy and nurturing for me and for the people I care about, learning to play well with others, and confronting the cultural taboos that tell me that this is all somehow wrong and bad.
Along the way, Ive gained tremendous skill in balancing freedom and safety, adventure with cocooning, newness with familiarity, self with others, shame with vulnerability. And more than anything, its about remembering to be grateful for the people who are in my life, regardless of how our relationship shows up or changes form over the years. While I (and a lot of other people) made a lot of mistakes along the way, that doesnt mean you have to. In this guide, youll find out what the most common mistakes are, and how to avoid them. So with no further ado
Mistake #1: Not Knowing Where Youre Going

Many times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to be in an open relationship or to try out non-monogamy. The problem is, what open relationship or non-monogamy means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next. For example, for one person open relationship means deep intimate love and occasional making out with someone else. For another it can mean having casual sex and threesomes. If you dont know where youre going, or youre going in different directions, its going to be very difficult to get there. Figuring out where youre going also requires that you know where you are now. (Ever try to use a GPS with no starting point? Not so useful!) So how do you figure out where youre starting from and where youre going? Communication is key. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you say. Every guide to successful relationships will say that communication is crucial to your relationship success. Thats true. The problem is, they never say what to communicate about. And if youre not talking about the things that actually make a difference, you might as well be talking to yourself. Jennifer and Jason are a couple who have been together for 4 years. They came to me with this exact challenge. Jason was committed to Jennifer, yet felt that the traditional model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didnt match his experience. He wanted to be able to flirt and sometimes hook up with other people. Jennifer was somewhat open to this idea, but worried 11 | www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
that Jason wasnt really committed to her and was just using non-monogamy as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to try dating anyone else, I spent a few months with them helping them sort out how they felt about their own relationship. Here are three kinds of conversations to have to get clarity about where you are and where youre going.
Conversation #1 - Get real about where the two of you are really at.
For some couples, this conversation will be the deal breaker for the relationship, whether or not you ever actually open up the relationship. In fact, many of the relationships that end supposedly because of poly actually would have ended anyway, because the partners were not on the same page. Being poly only accelerated the process because any cracks that exist in your foundation will only become more pronounced as you add additional people to the mix. For other couples, this conversation will only deepen and enrich the relationship you already have. It wont always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and develop in your relationship as you move forward (open or not) will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky. Here are some questions to explore together: What does the word commitment mean to each of us? How committed to each other are we? Do we have the same level of commitment? Are we in this for the long-haul? Are we in the pre-commitment stage where we know we enjoy each other but havent made a long-term commitment? Or are we somewhere in the middle? Or something else completely?
(Note: its less important to be fully committed to each other than it is to be on the same page as each other. Be honest about what you really want here.)
What else is going on in your life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring other relationships or sex interests? How much time and energy are you willing to put into this exploration? How will you handle it if your partner has a different level of resources, energy, attention, etc than you do? Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationships (romantic, friendship and otherwise) healthy and thriving? Are your friendships and family relationships more or less healthy? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow? Do you know what makes your partner feel happy, secure and loved? Are you willing to put extra attention on nurturing your existing relationship even as you find other people to be excited about? Where do you want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do you know what makes you feel happy, secure and loved? Are you willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do you see for yourself here? Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By shoring up your foundation, and making sure
youre on the same page about the two of you, youll have a smoother time as you move forward. Plus, a solid relationship is its own reward!
Conversation #2 - Share what interests you about opening up.

Even if you have a similar picture of what you want your non-monogamy to look like, your motivations might be different. Talking about what intrigues or interests you will help you both see where the other persons yes is. Differently motivated open relationships can work, but it helps when both partners are aware of how they are similar or different to each other. This can also help troubleshoot disempowered motivations (fear of loss, pressure, etc) from more empowering motivations (part of personal growth, self-expression etc.) When one or more partners are motivated by disempowerment, long-term success of opening up is unlikely. Here are some reasons people are interested in opening up. Do any of these apply to you? What else would you add? How do these reasons feel to you? Freedom to explore Partner wants it Fantasy fulfillment Sexual variety Emotional variety Emotional fulfillment Unhappy with existing relationship Monogamy didn't work Part of spiritual path Part of personal growth
Curiosity One or both of us cheated Part of my political philosophy Differing levels of libido Find myself attracted to more than one person Part of general philosophy of openness Wanted to explore/express BDSM desires Wanted to explore/express bisexual desires Different sexual needs/orientations in the relationship My community was/is poly or open
Conversation #3 - Get clear about what you are really saying.

Love, sex, commitment, loyalty, trust, openness, support, dating, devotion. We all use terms like these as we attempt to communicate what we want and need in our relationships. Yet for all our efforts to share what we mean, we often fail miserably to communicate whats really going on for us. As you talk about what you want, dont be afraid to slow down and define your terms. Ask for clarification. See if your partner can say more about that thing they just said. Unpack what love or showing up means to you. And be patient. Most people have never thought about this before, so it might be slow going at first. I once had an encounter with this kind of clarity (or lack of it) that almost singlehandedly destroyed two relationships in one fell swoop. I had just started seeing a good friend of my partners, and just before one of our first overnight dates, my
date (well call him David), made an offhand comment about looking forward to sleeping with me. Now, my partner and I had clearly made a no-sex agreement for this particular date, which David was well aware of. I watched in horror and confusion as my sweeties face crumpled with a sense of betrayal as he took in Davids comment. It was a tense and uncomfortable 10 minutes as we sorted out that David had indeed only meant cuddling and literally falling asleep with me. He apologized profusely for the sloppy usage of words, as my sweetie recovered from feeling like his friend was ignoring his boundaries. For my part, I recognized that this muchanticipated date might have just been a wash and prepared myself for the possibility of having to cancel it. Fortunately, the three of us were able to rally, and the date went forward as planned. To this day, David feels bad about his choice of words that night. Dont let this happen to you! Here are some words that commonly mean different things to different people. I recommend that you not assume you know what another person means when they say these:
This is, of course, only a partial list, but its a useful starting point. From here, you can begin discussing what your non-monogamy might look like. There are all sorts of ways relationships can go, including sexual play, flirting, cuddling, dating, fuck buddies, intimate networks, triads, threesomes and much more, all of which I talk about in my course Successful Non-Monogamy for Couples.
Actions
Make a series of dates to talk about some of these questions. Set it up to be particularly pleasant After all, you want to create positive associations for these conversations, not make them feel like work. Go for a drive to the beach or lake, have a picnic, split a bottle of wine while cuddled up in front of the fire, anything that makes it feel special. Set a timer for 30 to 60 minutes for the conversation, DO treat it as a co-exploration. DONT try to get to the answer as quickly as possible while trampling over each others feelings. DONT make every date be a conversation about opening up, even if youre both enthusiastic. Its important to remember to connect on the other things the two of you love about each other. Enjoy the opportunity to get to know each other more deeply along the way.
Mistake #2: Moving Too Fast (Or Too Slow)

I see it all the time. One half of a couple (well call them Partner A) has an idea that they want an open relationship. When Partner A tells their sweetie (Partner B) their great idea, Partner B puts the brakes on. ! Sometimes Partner B is just not into the idea at all. Or, maybe Partner B is intrigued, but As puppy-dog enthusiasm to make it happen leaves B feeling cold. Sometimes B can get behind one form of open relationship (for example, play parties with friends) while A is looking for a different kind of open (say, having an additional significant other.) Whatever the reason for the difference, the effect is that one partner is flying ahead while the other is more reticent, and both feel spectacularly unsupported and unseen. If it continues, resentment can build. Often, the real issue is that the couple isnt on the same page about where they are or where theyre going (Mistake #1). But sometimes, even if both partners are on board, there can still be a push/pull where one partner wants things to START HAPPENING! And the other wants them to SLOW DOWN! To make things more confusing, within the same relationship, some lights might be green, while others are red or yellow at the same time.
Contrary to popular belief, its not always the man who wants to open up. For
one thing, there are plenty of non-monogamous female/female couples. For another, among the opposite sex couples I work with, its about 60% men/40% women as far as who is leading the charge toward open relationships. 18 | www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
Whats going on here? First of all, fast or slow is all a matter of perspective. To a person on a bike, 60 miles per hour is quite speedy. To an airline pilot, its very, very slow. For someone in a car, its just right. Whats often going on is that one person has an eye on the upside (Freedom! Experiences! Sexiness!) and the other person has an eye on the downside (Loss! Sadness! Abandonment!). Heres an analogy: Lets say you just bought a new car. Someone who is excited to go for a drive in it will want to move quickly, run through yellow lights, and get on the open road as quickly as possible. On the other hand, a person who is concerned about accidents in their new car will move more cautiously, slow down for yellow lights, and occasionally resist getting on the road at all. The real issue isnt how fast youre moving or how much you value the car. Its how you each relate to whats happening. When Joyce and Olin came to me, they were struggling with this exact challenge. They had both read several books on non-monogamy and had talked about it extensively. A natural extrovert, Joyce was excited about meeting new people and having sexy, fun adventures. Olin, on the other hand, was a bit more reserved and cautious in his approach. I showed them this chart.
Joyce, I explained, is in green territory. She already feels safe and so is ready to go, wants to try stuff and see what happens. Olin on the other hand, is in the yellow zone. Olin is curious about polyamory, but first he needs to feel safe, connected and trusting that the existing relationship isnt going to get damaged or ruined. What Joyce didnt see is that as the initiator and enthusiast, she is resting on a foundation of feeling safe in her relationship in her relationship with Olin. Whereas the slower partner often can intuit that if they go down this road, things will change (Blue Zone), and that might have them feel anxious or worried.
Sometimes there is past pain that needs to be worked through, either from the current relationship or previous relationships. Sometimes, there is a present-time consideration that needs to be worked through. For example, hooking up with your partners best friend can make things awkward between them and create distance. Sex with someone whos not on point with safer sex can risk physical health. Both of these are distinct from the natural anxiety and vulnerability that comes from stepping into new unknown territory. In Olins case, he had been cheated on by a former longterm girlfriend. The massive betrayal of trust left him feeling worried in his subsequent relationships. He had worked through much of his fear with a therapist, and he was definitely intrigued by what opening up would be like for him and Joyce, but he still wanted to take it slow, much like our cautious driver in the example above. I told them that thinking of it in terms of fast and slow were not helpful. After all, they were doing something that many people thought was crazy anyway. Instead, I encouraged them to take a step back from all of it for a minute. When youre falling into the too fast / too slow trap, the answer is NOT for Partner A to tell B Oh, itll be fine. A doesnt know that. No one does. B is correctly intuiting that exploring this relationship path includes experimentation, risk and vulnerability. Risk means it might not work out okay. Belittling that concern wont make it go away, and it often backfires, because B really needs their concern to be heard by A. On the other hand, the answer is also NOT to just not do anything. Life is inherently risky. Whether you open up or not, things will change and intimacy
will be affected. The real solution is to take action but intentional action in a totally different direction. How do you do that? Here are three ideas:
Intentional Monogamy
Some couples Ive worked with have chosen to be 100% monogamous for a period of time, varying from 3 months up to one year. The purpose of this intentional monogamy was two-fold: 1) to shore up their personal and interpersonal foundations and 2) to make tons of space to talk about what theyre into without any concern about doing any of it right away. This tends to work best for committed couples who know they want to be with each other, and are exploring the best kind of non-monogamy for them.
Baby Steps
Far too often, people assume that opening up means hopping into bed with the first hottie they (or their partner) sees. And while this works fine for those who are on the same page and both want mostly sex-only experiences with other people, for those who are less clear about what they want, baby steps can be a saving grace. Remember making out? Cuddling? Flirting with abandon? Have you ever passed an afternoon with your sweetheart at the park pointing out people you find attractive and sharing why (without, of course, comparing)? Theres a lot to be said for 1950s-style dating, particularly when youre already goin all the way with someone else. Taking it slow, courting, seeing how it goes these are baby-steps worth trying.
Take the scariest stuff off the table. Maybe, for you, thats sex with another person, or going on late night dates, or talking about anything you havent yet shared with your main squeeze. Now add back in stuff that seems fine to you. It might be totally innocuous. It might be stuff your average mainstream folks would raise their eyebrows at. What other people think isnt the point here. Maybe thats going to the movies with someone else and holding hands, or going to a sex party together but not playing with anyone else. It doesnt matter what it is; just find the things that youre a clear yes to. Then find one only one thing that seems edgy to you only a little bit edgy and include that. Then see what thats like to do. Thats how you baby-step it.
Focus On the Fun of It

Joyce and Olin were really struggling when they came to me. I acknowledged, after much tearful sharing from both of them, that they seemed to be having a really hard time figuring this out. Yes, they both nodded. What if you had a really pleasurable time figuring this out? I said. They looked confused. I let them sit with that for a minute. Suddenly Olin laughed. You mean, do
the parts that are fun and focus on how great it is, and let the rest sort itself out? Yes, thats exactly what I meant. So thats what they did. Two years later, they are still together, fully in love, and are hanging out fully in the blue zone. Olin still occasionally gets anxious about things that Joyce wants to do, but when they remember to take baby steps and focus on the fun, Olin says those clouds of doubt tend to pass more quickly. Moreover, hes exactly where he wants to be, and Joyce is thrilled that she has had a chance to have so many of the experiences shes wanted to have.
Notes
It may be the case that as you go through this exploration, one of you decides that its for you, and the other decides its not. (Thats an issue beyond the scope of this report, but is something I talk about in-depth in Successful Non-Monogamy for Couples.) Keep in mind that you are engaged in this as a process and the point is to enjoy each other as you explore whats there for you. Trying to rush from point A to point B will only hurt your partner, as will refusing to engage. Remember that youre a team, and intentionality, baby-steps and fun are there to serve you both.
Actions
Journal or talk about these questions: Imagine taking sex or intercourse off the table. How would that shape your pursuit of open relationships? For some, sexual exploration is
the whole point of opening up. If thats you, can you imagine other forms of sexual exploration you could engage in that would be enjoyable to you? What are you an easy yes to? That is, what types of courtship, sex, romance or relationship stuff do you find it easy to imagine your partner doing? This could be as simple as going to the movies, holding hands, exchanging text messages or having a conversation with other friends present. How could you have more fun in your exploration of open relationships? What aspects do you find pleasurable? What do you appreciate about how your partner is approaching this conversation? Where can you add more fun and pleasure to the process?
Mistake #3: Trying to Avoid Jealousy

Our culture tells us that jealousy is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. It can tear people apart, or be used as justification for truly horrendous behavior. But the green-eyed monster gets a bad rap. What you didnt learn is that jealousy is one of the best ways to find out what you really need. Now, dont get me wrong, pursuing jealousy is a terrible idea. Attempting to induce jealousy is not going to create a stable, happy, long-lasting relationship, and its just plain douchey. Treat your partners well. Better than well. Exquisitely. Like gold. That being said, trying to avoid jealousy means you miss out on all the useful things that jealousy is trying to tell you. You see, jealousy is not actually an emotion by itself. Its actually the socially acceptable way to feel yucky stuff. And that yucky stuff is trying to tell you something. Jealousy can be made up of any number of emotions, including sadness, grief, anger, envy, and especially, fear (of being left out, of being abandoned, of not being good enough, etc.) So what do you do about jealousy? There are three directions (at least) you can go with it: Go deeper. Stay where you are. Or go out of it. Let me me explain.
Jealousy Strategy #1: Go Deeper Into It.

One approach to jealousy is about allowing yourself to feel it, which might sound like a crazy-pants idea, but give me a second to explain. When and if jealousy shows up, the trick here is to experience it, but slow it down and go deeper. If you or your partner is experiencing jealousy, this strategy is the exact opposite of pushing to get over it. This can be profoundly healing for some people, because theyve never had a chance to have their jealousy be okay before. Take a time out, and then play detective to see whats really going on for you. Heres how: 1) Take a Time-Out Taking a time out is perfectly acceptable, particularly if the jealousy or negative feeling shows up very suddenly, like it was suddenly triggered. Sometimes the only way to get into whats really there for you is to stop what youre doing. Its helpful to negotiate a time-out plan in advance and to have a safeword to signal that everything needs to stop and you need to go to your separate corners. (A safeword is an easy-to-remember word that is unlikely to come up in conversation on its own and is a code that means Everything Stops Now. My favorite safeword is rutabaga.) If a trigger comes up, first, wrench yourself away from the conversation, using your safeword (or honoring your partners safeword.) Continuing to engage is only going to make you more anxious, angry, and frustrated. Go to your separate, prenegotiated corners. This is often the hardest part of doing a
time-out so if you make it this far, good work! Next, breathe. Yes, this sounds like a hippie thing to do, but when humans get frightened or angry, our breathing becomes shallow, and our lungs have more carbon dioxide in them, which means less oxygen is available to the brain to think clearly. Take 3 to 5 deep belly breaths before attempting to do anything else. Oxygen is your friend. Simply breathing more deeply will start to take the edge off. Then, take 15-20 minutes to soothe yourself, by doing activities that occupy your mind. The goal here is to avoid re-stimulating your fight-or flight response, and simply to calm yourself down in order to re-engage in a more productive way. Here are some activities that are particularly helpful for soothing during a timeout: Read a novel or magazine Watch a half-hour sitcom (usually clocks in at 23 minutes) Surf the internet Go for a walk Play music Write or draw your feelings (the quality does not matter here.) Go to www.calm.com
At the 15 minute mark, check in and see where youre at. If you need more time, take it. The time-out ends when the person who called it ends it. The biggest benefit to taking time outs is that it will not just calm you down this time, but will start to build the self-soothing habit. Over time, youll need fewer
time-outs because your brain will start taking care of things for you. (Mighty thanks to Dossie Easton, co-author of The Ethical Slut, for this tip!)
2) Play detective about your jealousy. Jealousy is a socially sanctioned umbrella term for any number of uncomfortable emotions. It can be hard to feel some of these things directly, especially when more than one emotion is occurring at a time. It can take a little detective work, but when you know what youre really feeling underneath it all, it becomes a lot easier to figure out what youre really needing. Here are some emotions that may be underneath when you experience jealousy. Which of these show up for you? Envy Sadness Anger Grief Rage Self-loathing Feeling inadequate Feeling not good enough Fear of rejection Fear of abandonment Possessiveness Competitiveness Insecurity Feeling excluded
Resentment Loneliness Anxiety Mistrust Feeling theres something wrong with me Fear of loss Hurt
Actions
Create your time-out plan: Figure out your safeword. Make it unusual but memorable. Determine your respective corners (Does one of you get the bedroom and the other the kitchen? Where do you agree to go if you live in a studio? If you dont live together? If youre out and about?) Choose one or two activities for your time outs. You can change them later if you want, but having something concrete to go to will be helpful for calming down your system.
Jealousy Strategy #2: Stay Exactly Where Youre At
This one is harder than it seems. You neither dig into it, nor distract yourself. Just let yourself be jealous. Feel it. Notice the texture and flavor of it. Dont try to change it, figure it out or make it go away. You may notice the volume goes up or down when you have certain thoughts. Just notice it. Too often we try to fix jealousy, like its a problem. But what if you simply stayed with the feeling? Notice what color it has. Is it far away or close by? Does it
have a sound? If so, what does it sound like? Where do you feel it in your body? Is it large or small? What is the texture? Is it soft? Smooth? Rough? Jagged? Is there a smell? A flavor? What else do you notice?
Jealousy Strategy #3: Distract Yourself Like Crazy
Look, I know there are some folks out there who think that jealousy is an opportunity to Dig Deep and Be PresentTM and I wouldnt disagree with that. And for those who really want to do the emotional work, the first two strategies can be profoundly supportive. But sometimes you just dont have it in you to get all wrapped up in processing all the feelings. Heres where good old fashioned distraction comes in. Big distractions, little ones... doesnt matter. Hes got a date this weekend? Shes having her first sleepover out? Awesome, take the kid to Disneyland and have a blast. Watch a ton of Breaking Bad episodes. Embroil yourself in the most tedious, mind-numbing organizational or programming project you can come up with. Have friends over and give yourself pedicures (Guys, black with sparkles looks awesome.) Make art. Climb a tree. Read Tiny Beautiful Things by Cheryl Strayed. Whatever floats your boat and gets your mind focused on something else. As one of my clients said to me, Distraction gets a bad rap. I prefer to think of it as Reminders that reality is bigger than whatever Im obsessing over.
Mistake #4: Trying To Be The Perfect Poly Person

Oh the Perfect Poly Person. You know the one. He never gets triggered. She never feels jealous. Hes always willing to watch the kids so his partner can have a date. She likes to watch her partner fuck other people. The person were going to be when we figure out all this open relationship stuff... right?! It seems like the Perfect Poly Person trap hides in two places: I have to be perfect at this for my partner. I have to be perfect at this or people will judge me for it. Whats more, it seems like there is an unconscious belief that someday, if you just keep at it, you too will be perfect, and then everything will be okay. Oh darling, I have good news and bad news. Youll never be the perfect poly person. Which is bad if youve been pinning your lovability and safety on doing it right. On the other hand, if you can see that youre clearly loved, even when you dont know your ass from your elbow, thats good, right? Lets address these two hiding places separately.
I have to be perfect at this for my partner .

In the first case, Perfect Poly Person syndrome (or PPP, as I call it) shows up as letting boundaries slide, agreeing to a bit more than you can handle, or pushing yourself to be okay with things youre really not okay with. Your intentions are good you want to do this right but the fallout can be tragic, as resentment accumulates. At some point, you need things to stop, and 32 | www.successfulnonmonogamy.com/program
your partner, who has been trusting that what youve been saying all along is the truth, can be hurt, baffled or feel manipulated. The uncomfortable truth is that trying to be the PPP actually is a form of lying. When you dont honestly own up to the things that you worry will make you less than, youre actually not telling the truth. This is hard because often this poly person feels that in order to be kept or to be enough they have to be perfect, the definition of which somehow means no jealous feelings, no saying no, no boundaries. Now, if thats actually true, then youve got much bigger problems than open relationships. It means your partner is, at best, cruel, and at worst, an abusive bully. No one should ever have their boundaries violated in order to stay in a relationship. Fortunately, the reality for most couples who are in a mutual dialog about open relationships is that this is more of a feeling than an actual truth. After all, your partner chose you to go on this journey with. In a healthy relationship, perfection isnt the goal. Enjoying yourselves, imperfections and all, is. If feelings of not being enough are common for you in places other than in your relationship, you may also want to consider talking with a therapist. Often this kind of thinking about oneself starts from a young age, and isnt about whats going on between you and your partner.
If it only comes up around the open relationship conversations, then this is worth talking to with your partner about. Get a reality check from them. Find out what he or she is really expecting from you. You might be surprised to find out that they are expecting you to have fears, doubts, concerns, boundaries, etc. The truth is, those very things that have you feel vulnerable, scared, and nervous are the places where you are protecting something precious to you. Trying to run roughshod over it means youre losing touch with a part of yourself. Slow down. Listen to it. It might have something important to tell you. And in those tiny moments of listening, you might be able to ask the question youre really scared of. And youll give your partner a chance to show you a kind of love that they never will know you need if you dont tell them. The big scary question for a lot of us is If I cant do this, will you leave me? Depending on your situation, this may be worth having an honest conversation about. But if you do talk about it, get really clear on what you each mean by do this and leave. For some people, its less about actually doing anything in particular, and more about needing to have a space in their relationship to talk about their desires. For others, there might be a concrete need to experience something in order to know something about themselves. Some people might not really know why they want to open up. Even if this is a conversation you do decide to have, be wary of expectations to put up or shut up or this is just how I am and you need to deal with it. That is
not a teamwork type of approach to relationships (open or not) and may be indicative of a bigger problem.
I have to be perfect at this or people will judge me for it.

There is no such thing as the perfect poly person. Even I, whos been doing this since sometime in the late 20th century, feel jealous and anxious sometimes. Even those famous authors of the open relationship books screw up sometimes and share too much or too little information. Even the workshop leaders who teach classes on non-monogamous dating feel lonely sometimes, and the folks who are poly community leaders make big messes that have to be cleaned up. (I know this because those people are my friends.) Theyre not broken. Theyre human. And so are you. When you dont admit your fears or concerns, you are left to shoulder them alone. Lack of vulnerability keeps others from getting to know you. It also keeps them from being able to support you. I get it, sweetpea. Believe me, I do. Remembering to be vulnerable is one of my biggest challenges in open relationships (I mean, Im the awesome, know-it-all poly coach, so if anyone has to be perfect, it should be me, right? Arrg!) I know that when youre doing something that is as edgy as open relationships, theres a temptation to want to make it look good so that people dont judge you. Its hard to say, My husband went on a date with someone else, and Im crazy jealous about it to someone who is just going to say Thats why this open relationship business is nonsense. Why are you doing this to yourself?
Thats why its crucial that you have people you can talk to about this stuff. You shouldnt have to face the world alone. Find a friend, an online discussion group, or a local open relationship community, so you have someone to talk to.
Actions
Pay attention to when you need some space to be imperfect or vulnerable. These are often the places where you can get some support, a reality check or reassurance from your partner or from your support network. Pay attention to the places where you feel trapped, contracted or stuck in a double bind. Notice whenever you say the words should or supposed to this is where you are setting yourself or your partner up for a standard that might not be attainable. And, build your support networks. Find someone(s) you can talk to about this stuff. Its vital.
Where To Go From Here

Opening up your relationship is a courageous act of faith and love. It requires trust and vulnerability on a scale that many people dont even want to think about. One of the biggest (and saddest) myths is that open relationships are somehow better than monogamous ones. Nothing could be further from the truth. I always share this one secret with people that liberates them from the rules theyve created for themselves: Its not the what, its the how. In other words, it matters a lot less what kind of relationship youre in, and a lot more how you relate to one another. A relationship with love, trust, compassion, vulnerability, playfulness, support and passion is a relationship to aspire to, regardless of what kind of structure it has. But even if you have all that, the reality is that there is not a lot of guidance out there from people who have been there. Thats why I created the Successful NonMonogamy for Couples program. In this program, Ive pulled together the three elements that I think really make a difference for couples who want to open up successfully: diverse expert perspectives, profound validation for finding the path thats right for you, and the steady guidance of a coach who has seen it all. Whether youre actively opening up your relationship, or still just thinking and talking about it, its worth taking a look at what weve put together. Learn all about what were doing. Take a moment to read the success stories of people, just like you, who have created incredible relationships that reflect their desire for more passion, sex, intimacy and love.
Heres the link: http://successfulnonmonogamy.com/program Wishing you much love and happiness,

4 Mistakes Couples Make 2 ND Ed

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4 Mistakes Couples Make 2 ND Ed

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4 MISTAKES COUPLES MAKE WHEN

(AND HOW TO AVOID THEM)

What Makes for Success

About Marcia Baczynski

Mistake #1: Not Knowing Where Youre Going

Conversation #2 - Share what interests you about opening up.

Conversation #3 - Get clear about what you are really saying.

Mistake #2: Moving Too Fast (Or Too Slow)

Focus On the Fun of It

Mistake #3: Trying to Avoid Jealousy

Jealousy Strategy #1: Go Deeper Into It.

Jealousy Strategy #2: Stay Exactly Where Youre At

Jealousy Strategy #3: Distract Yourself Like Crazy

Mistake #4: Trying To Be The Perfect Poly Person

I have to be perfect at this for my partner .

I have to be perfect at this or people will judge me for it.

Where To Go From Here

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