CON LECHE By Matt Campbell & Dan Jamieson

Fade In: INT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT There are two bodies on the floor. They leak blood into the polished wood like filthy meat Super Soakers. One of the bodies belongs to SAM DIXON - chubby, white guy extraordinaire- and the other belongs to HEATHER HOLBROOK, a Hollywood blonde with piercing blue eyes. JOEL Oh boys, Joel. Oh boys. JOEL SERRATA speaks with a heavy Hispanic accent and has the look of a little boy you stretched out then stuffed with raw meat and cotton balls. He has his hands tucked into the crotch of his sweatpants when he walks. He goes to Heathers body and crouches down to close her eyes. His ass peeks out of his pants like a disorderly crayon box. He gets up and goes over to Sams body.
JOEL (to himself) Alright Joel, what are we goings with this time? He looks at Sam and removes his belongings: his New Balance shoes, his swatch watch, his wallet. In the wallet Sams ID tells us his name, his Long Island address, etc.

Joel walks over to the kitchen and takes out a carton of milk from the refrigerator. He drinks it sans glass and heads over to a nearby window. A floor below is the body of another blonde woman. This one belongs to KEIRA DIXON (19). Shes alive, but bleeding out on the steps. KEIRA Joel, help! Im fucking dying out here! JOEL Not now Keira, my brains gone thinking. He slams the window. He heads back over to Sam and sees a carabiner full of keys sticking out from his back pocket. He unclips it.

(CONTINUED)

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2.

JOEL Lets see what we gotsen here, Joel. He puts the keys away and heads for the door. EXT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT Joel exits through the front door and picks up a bike that lies on the lawn. Keira, the life slowly fading out of her, fails to get his attention. EXT. HIGHWAY - NIGHT Joel rides the bicycle alongside the highway. From the opposite direction, police cars race to the scene of the crime. Their lights bounce off his face. He rides all night, stops outside a huge office building. INT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT Its a clean, empty building. He wheels his bike over to the elevator, clicks the button. The doors open and he takes the elevator down. INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT Joel wheels the bicycle down a hallway that can only be described as hospital sterile. He stops in front of a door that says, "JOEL SERRATA - ELEVATOR TECHNICIAN." INT. JOELS ROOM - NIGHT Messy, cluttered, small. On the walls theres a web of pictures and newspaper clippings that make the suspect tree in the Wire look like messy diarrhea. Joel wheels the bike onto a strange looking stand in the corner. He picks up tubes and connects them to a half full water cooler jug adorned with plastic crystals and held together with duct tape.
Joel hops on the bike, takes a spaghetti strainer off the floor, puts it onto his head, pedals. A clock hangs from the wall indicating that its 11:30PM. A blue light shoots from the crystals and fills the room. We cant see nuffin bub.

When the light fades, Joel hops off the bicycle and unstraps himself. The clock now indicates that its 7:45 AM. Someone sits at a desk on the opposite side of the room. His face isnt visible.

(CONTINUED)

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3.

JOEL Attempt twenty seven is a no go. Mark it down right now. MAN Aww butts. You want to get milked up? Joel goes over to a small mini fridge and takes out a carton of milk. He rips open a hole with his teeth and begins the disgusting process of "milking up." He scribbles notes on this board as though he were putting down the results of a lab report. MAN What did you use as the catalyst this time? The note. JOEL

MAN And it was the same thing as always? Joel nods. JOEL Do you know what time it is? 7:09. MAN

JOEL Weve got three minutes. You ready to go? After you. MAN

He walks away from the board and out of the room. The other person follows him close behind. We still only see the back of his head. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Joel takes the belt off of his sweat pants. Yes, he belts his sweatpants. His pants fall and he scoots the rest of the way. His underwear is a vicious tie dye of brown and red and terrible, darker reds.

(CONTINUED)

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4.

MAN So, whats the catalyst this time? Joel opens his fanny pack and removes the carabiner. He passes it to the man next to him. MAN I like where your heads be. The two walk further down hallway until they get to a room marked, "Boiler Room." INT. BOILER ROOM - DAY Theres a chair against the wall. Joel positions it under a pipe. The Man closes the door and leans on it while Joel works. JOEL So lets go over this again. When he gets into the elevator hes gonna talk about his haircuts. Joel stands up on the chair and balances himself. His pubes stick out through the bottom of the underwear like hanging plants. JOEL And when you get to the fifth floor, throw the keys on the ground. Make sure he takes it with him. MAN I know the drill. JOEL We cant be too careful. Whats time do you have? Joel takes his belt and strings it on top of the pipe, takes one half of it and makes a crude noose. MAN 7:10. JOEL And the seconds? He puts the noose around his neck.

(CONTINUED)

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5.

MAN Twenty two...twenty three...twenty four. JOEL We have approximately ninety seconds. Good luck. (and then) You mind helping a Joel out? The Man walks over to the chair. JOEL And I must say, whatever youve been doing with your hair, keep doing it, it looks great. The Man kicks the chair out from under him. It clanks to the side of the room and Joel struggles. The Man grabs his feet and pulls down. MAN Thanks. Ive been using two kinds of conditioner. One of them smells like apple, which you know, I hate, but its growing on me. You should be just about done now.
After the kicking stops, he checks for a pulse. Theres nothing. He picks the chair back up, climbs it, and takes the noose off the pipe. Joels body crashes down. He looks at it for a few seconds, and then his watch starts beeping.

MAN Time for work. He whistles a jaunty tune and makes his way for the door. With a rusty thud, he closes it, leaving the body in darkness. INT. BASEMENT - DAY The man locks the door and turns around. He looks exactly like Joel. It is Joel, silly milky bastard that he is! He whistles his way over to the elevator, spinning the carabiner full of keys on his finger. DISSOLVE TO:

6.

EXT. SAMS HOUSE - DAY A cozy Long Island home reeking of whiteness. Theres a Mazda Miata parked in front of the house. The inside of it is full of trash and fast food wrappers. INT. SAMS BEDROOM - DAY More a teenagers bedroom than one of a thirty year old man. Posters on the wall, clutter, jizz stained pants on the floor. Yuck city. Sam wakes up, groggily lifts the covers off his greasy body. Theres a huge yellow stain around where he slept. He looks at the puddle, ashamed and confused. Hes either pissed the bed or had a very unhealthy wet dream. His mother, MRS. DIXON (65) walks in. Shes in good enough shape for her age. She sounds Italian even though she clearly isnt. MRS. DIXON Oh my God! Sammy, did you make in the bed? Whenever Sam talks, he has the condescension that only a hapless buffoon could have. SAM Mom, get out! This is a private moment! MYOB! MRS. DIXON Quick, get out. Ill handle it before it stains. He gets up, walks away from the wreckage and to his door, he opens it and steps outside. MRS. DIXON Oh God, its on the Toshaba! INT. KITCHEN - DAY Breakfast is waiting for him. He turns on a small television. A 1980s teenage sitcom plays. He watches it for a time until Keira walks in. Shes got the look of Leslie Mann and the temperament of Method Man.

(CONTINUED)

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7.

SAM Morning. KEIRA Dont morning me, you pee pants dildo. She takes a seat next to him at the table and bare hands his breakfast. KEIRA Yo, I could smell that shit down the hall. You should be ashamed a yo fuckin self. SAM Whats your problem? She takes a vindictive bite. KEIRA You and that dumb fucking Javier Bardem in No Country for Old Men lookin bitch had the nerve to blow up my spot last night. Thats why Im in a "bad mood" you fucking jabroni. SAM Keira, dont jabroni me you jabroni. I have no idea what youre talking about. KEIRA No idea what Im talking about? Bullshit. Dont play dumb because youre threatened that I get more titties and bush than your fat ass does. SAM You do not get more titties and bush than me! I get so much bush people call me Gavin Rossdale. KEIRA You owe me, Sam. That bitch was fine as hell. She had tits like an all terrain vehicle. Sam scratches his head.

(CONTINUED)

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8.

SAM What does that mean? It means pussies. pussies, all damn KEIRA Im all about the wet Yum yum yum, wet wet pussies, wet pussies day.

SAM Dont quote the scripture at me.

He backs out of the table and walks out of the kitchen. Keira finishes off his breakfast and watches the television.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY Sam walks into his bedroom, searches his closet for what to wear. Its full of essentially the same clothing. Button down shirts, blue jeans. As he fusses with a button, his Miata pulls out from the curb. He notices it. My Miata! SAM

Half naked, he sprints out of his room. INT/EXT. SAMS HOUSE - DAY He rushes out of the house in hopes of catching the car, but its halfway down the street. SAM Police! Police! Help, Im being carjacked by a motherfucker! Sam gives up the chase and watches his car drive out of sight. He puts his hands on his knees. From inside the house, Mrs. Dixon and Keira watch him have a miniature nervous breakdown on the lawn. MRS. DIXON I think youre going to have to drive your brother to work today. KEIRA I dont want my Adam Corolla smelling like pee pee water. They watch as his mental breakdown only ramps up in fury.

(CONTINUED)

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9. MRS. DIXON Ill buy Taco Bell tonight for dinner if you do.

Keira considers the offer. KEIRA Woman, you drive a hard ass bargain. MRS. DIXON When youve been raising kids as long as I have, you learn to think outside the bun. CUT TO: INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - MOVING - DAY A very sad Sam sits in the passenger seat talking on the phone with the police. Keira leans uncomfortably far back in her chair. Riff Raff or Gucci or some other dope shit is on the radio. Sam makes connection on the other side of the phone. We split between Keiras car and the police station. INT. POLICE STATION - DAY Your basic, no frills Long Island police station. The officer, JEFF BOYARDEE, is on the other line. OFFICER BOYARDEE Hello, Nassau County PD, this is Officer Jeff Boyardee. How can I help you? SAM Hello. My name is Sam Dixon. I need to report a stolen car. A beat. SAM Did you say your name was Jeff Boyardee? Boyardee goes over some paperwork he has at his desk. OFFICER BOYARDEE Dixon? Havent you learned your lesson? I let you off easy last night, now you just want to press your luck.
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10.

Sam tries to get something off, but is cut off. OFFICER BOYARDEE I know that you fancy yourself some kinda hotshot, but stealing your own car and reporting it to the police, thats pathetic. SAM I dont understand whats going on here. I just want to report that my car has been stolen.
OFFICER BOYARDEE Dixon, Im gonna do you a favor. Im going to let you off with another warning. Normally reporting a false crime is a felony, but I dont think its worth it. You wouldnt survive jail long enough to learn anything.

SAM What in the fuck are you talking about? OFFICER BOYARDEE I know, I know. Talk tough. Youre a real hard motherfucker. Jail aint no thing. A dime is just a walk in the park. Well heres a newsflash! In jail, theyd rape you for breakfast. Theyd pick you off a tree and stuff their chud right in your bunghole. Like you were a rape fruit or something. SAM Im done with this. OFFICER BOYARDEE Yep, raping you would be part of their balanced diet. Rape fruit salad with cottage cheese. A beat. OFFICER BOYARDEE The cottage cheese would be the cum. From just outside Boyardees field of vision we see a blurry figure squat down on the hood of his car.

(CONTINUED)

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11.

OFFICER BOYARDEE Holy fuck somebodys taking a dump on my car! Catch you later rape fruit! He hangs up the phone, takes out his gun, instantly starts firing wildly all across the station. INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - MOVING - DAY Super frustrated, Sam hangs up the phone. SAM This is bullshit! Keira looks at her dejected older brother. KEIRA Yo, cheer the hell up. That car aint no big thing. Nuttin you cant replace. He drops his face into his hands and cries big, sweaty tears. Hes near hysterical. He pounds his head on the window. KEIRA Yo, leave my window alone. SAM No, fuck this window! That car was the most important thing in my life. It was more than a Japanese automobile it was my reason to be. KEIRA Thats the saddest thing Ive ever heard. He takes out his wallet and unfolds a a series of pictures of he and his car. Theyre the pictures a proud parent takes of their shitty kid. SAM All my favorite memories happened in that car. I watched my first Pierce Brosnan movie in that car. I got my first hummer in that car. I got a DUI in that car. Those memories are priceless! Theyre worth more than anything. More than my shitty job, more than my health, more then the small sum of money (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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12.

SAM (contd) well inherit when Mom dies. Theyre the most important thing in the fucking world and now theyre gone!

He presses his face to the glass and she looks him up and down. KEIRA Yo, its aight. Calm down, calm down. You talking crazy. Theyll be other Pierce Brosnan movies to watch, it aint not hing. He slams on the dash. SAM Dont be a fucking idiot, Keira! This isnt 1994 to 2008! He points his finger at her face and she breaks, sending him head first into the dashboard. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Keira pulls her car into the parking lot of the same office building that Joel went into earlier. Sam stays slumped down until he finally walks out of the car. He crouches over the window to talk. SAM Do I look like Ive been crying? Yes. KEIRA

He sniffs a thick boog back into his nose. SAM If anybody asks, tell them that Im crying because I got into a fight with a white supremacist. KEIRA Sho. SAM Yeah, tell them we kicked the crap out of a Haitian kid that was walking near our house.

(CONTINUED)

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13.

She rolls her eyes and puts the car in drive. She immediately knocks over a garbage can, spilling the contents onto the ground. She curses as she drives out of the lot. Sam turns and spies a pretty BLONDE (28) entering the office building. He power walks to catch up to her and then follows her in. INT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Linoleum floors, velvet wearing guards, unhappy people by the elevator bank. The Blonde posts up in the group with Sam just behind her. An elevator comes and the crowd slams into it, leaving only Sam and the Blonde in the lobby. He gathers courage to speak to her, postures, but before he can, the crowded elevator opens and the girl throws herself into the pile. The doors close. Another elevator comes a few seconds later. INT. JOELS ELEVATOR - DAY From out of the elevator walks SYDNEY (36), an aggressively white man who looks like he has a bit too much fun at Spencers Gifts. His shoulder intentionally collides with Sams as he leaves the elevator. SAM (like a frustrated boy) Watch where youre going Sydney! SYDNEY Shut up Dixon. How about you go fart in another tech meeting. He walks out of the elevator and Sam walks in. Its dingy and covered in pictures and looks like it smells like a grandpas house. Some of the pictures are of Heather Holbrook -- the woman from the 80s show and from the gruesome murder scene earlier. SAM I fucking hate that guy. And there, standing like the Hispanic king of this small box, is Joel, smiling, digging underneath his sweaty nut sack.

(CONTINUED)

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14.

SAM Hey, Joel. JOEL Morning, Same. Sam rubs his eyes frustrated. SAM Joel, Im only going to ask you this one more time. How long have we known each other? How long have we been a pair of tight pussies? JOEL Since you started working here. SAM Right. Then why is it you still have the need to call me Same? Ive told you a million fucking times that my name is Sam.
Joel pushes down on an elevator lever and they rise. Sam shakes his head. Hes not getting an answer out of him.

JOEL Ive got to say, whatever youve been doing with your hair, keep doing it. It looks great. Sam seems surprised to get any positive reinforcement. SAM Ive been using two kinds of conditioner. One of them smells like apple, which you know, I hate, but its growing on me. (and then) Joel, I gotta say, you homosexuals sure are observant. JOEL Im not gay, Sam. Just Dominican. SAM Still rock and roll to me. Joel smiles back politely. He reaches into his fanny pack and takes out the keys that he took earlier. With as little grace as possible, he tosses them to the ground.

(CONTINUED)

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15.

JOEL Same, I think you dropped your keys. Sam bends down and picks them up. SAM You might have just saved me from having the worst day of my life. Id call this day a faggot but I dont want to be homophobic around you. JOEL I appreciates it. They go up in silence. Joel smells the foul air. JOEL Whats that smell? SAM Id rather not say. Joel smells his shoulder. JOEL You smell like a sissy. SAM And you smell like milk, everyone smells like something. JOEL Id read that book. SAM Can we please just leave it alone? Im sick of this shit. They rise in silence. JOEL You know, I peed my pants every day until I was forty six. Its nothing to be ashamed of. Really? SAM

JOEL And Im only forty four.

(CONTINUED)

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16.

The elevator hits the 30th floor and dings. Joel smiles at Sam as he walks out of the elevator. The doors close and Joel programs his watch. JOEL See you in forty nine minutes, Same. INT. SAMS OFFICE - DAY Basically every soul sucking office in existence. Sam walks to his cubicle and sits down. He tries to log into his computer, but is locked out. Sam looks at a piece of paper hanging from his cube that has important phone numbers. He picks up his phone and makes a call. PHONE V.O. Were sorry, but your telephone has not been set up. Please contact your IT department to have the proper software installed. Thank you. Sam stands up to see if anyone can help him. SAM Hey, does anyone know where I can find IT? My shits offline.
No one acknowledges him. He looks to his right and his steno pad catches his eye. He opens it, and finds a small note.

It reads:

IT OFFICE - Basement, Room 114.

He flips through the pad and sees that the message is on every awful yellow page. He looks around his office suspiciously, leaves. INT. IT - DAY The IT Office is dark and littered with papers. Sydney sits at the front desk, chewing gum loudly and offensively. Another employee, SUNNY (25) is on the phone. Sydney walks over to him and puts his index finger under his nose. SYDNEY Hey Sunny, my wife has a present for you. Sunny covers the phone.
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17.

SUNNY For the last time Sydney, I dont want to smell your wifes vagina. SYDNEY You watch what you say about my wife! She is a saint! (and then) Its from her butt pussy. Gimme some of that sniff. He puts the finger right under his nose, forcing him to smell it. Sam walks into the room and Sydney turns his attention towards him. SYDNEY Oh, Dixon! What brings you to IT? You wanna get some of this sniff too? SAM Is there anyone else that can help me? SYDNEY Nope. Get your mouth ready, cause yous all mine. Sam rolls his eyes. SYDNEY So whats the problem? SAM My computer isnt letting me log on and when I tried to call my phone wasnt working. It says its not set up or something. Sydney types inaccurately on his keyboard, like how my mother types. SYDNEY Is Dixon spelled like, dicks-IN your butt, or dicks-ON your face?
SAM (strained) I dont have to answer that.

SYDNEY Im gonna need to see some identification then. No ID, no IT.

(CONTINUED)

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18.

Sam reaches into his pocket, takes out his wallet, hands him his ID. When he does, his keys fall out onto the floor. Sydney looks at the identification, gives it back. SYDNEY Do you think its a hardware problem or a software problem? SAM How am I supposed to know? SYDNEY You know its software when you install it onto your computer, you know its hardware your mom sucked me off last night. Sydney turns in his chair and yells.
SYDNEY (yelling) Yo Sunny! I got a guy up here who says his shits busted. I dont know what to do.

Sunny lowers the phone. SUNNY Is it a hardware issue or a software issue? SYDNEY I dont know you simple bitch! Help me! SUNNY Can you take a look at it? Im kind of busy here. (to the phone) Im sorry maam, but have you tried unplugging it. Maam, Im sorry but theres no reason to bring race into this. Yes, I can hold. Sydney turns back to Sam who looks relieved to finally have some progress. He steps out from behind the desk and heads to the door. SYDNEY Ill meet you up there, Im gonna go dump out. Sam shakes his head and walks out. He leaves his keys on the ground.

19. EXT. RIVIERA - PARKING LOT - DAY A sleazy Long Island strip club -- as if there was any other kind. A giant sign on the front reads, "RIVIERA." Keira parks her car in the lot, steps out wearing a pair of obnoxious sunglasses. She opens her trunk, exposing a highly illegal stash of low and high grade narcotics. She pulls out a bag full of pills and pockets it. Showtime. KEIRA

She walks into the building with confidence like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever or John Travolta at an all-male orgy. INT. RIVIERA- DAY
Through the dim light and smoke machine fog there are cheating husbands and breakfast buffets and a DJ and of course, dem tatties. Keira makes her way across the floor like she owns the place, saying hello to the "dancers."

KEIRA Yo, looking good Amy! Keep it classy Michelle! Paloma, eye on the prize girl! Mary, marry me, just kidding! Out of nowhere she becomes furious. KEIRA Bethany! Shape the fuck up! Im tired of you slacking and your bullshit! From off screen, the real owner of the club, GUS LLEWELYN (51) lurches over to Keira. Hes bowling shoe ugly, and Greek Salad greasy. KEIRA Gus, I dont even know why you keep that bitch on the books. Itd save you money if you just took her out back and put one in between her eyes. GUS Kid, if she werent my daughter, Id have her wearing a pair of lead boots at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.

(CONTINUED)

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20.

KEIRA Youd take her all the way across country? GUS Yeah, its real nice out there. Bluest waters in the world. Now step into my office, lets do some business. They disappear into the club. INT. GUS OFFICE - DAY The door reads, "MR. LLEWELYN." Its a mixture between a mall security office and a Hollywood powder room. Keira and Gus sit at opposite sides of his desk. Keira takes out a stash of pills. GUS So thisll keep me hard? KEIRA Hard as Dwayne Johnson, nilla. Soft too. Itll do whatever you need it to. Keira passes him the bag and he crushes one of the pills, rubs it on his gums like it were cocaine. GUS Oh yeah, thats that good stuff! I can feel it in my meat! See! He scoots off the desk and exposes a gross throbbing chode boner. Its about as thick as a water bottle and as long as a paper clip. KEIRA Thanks for dat. GUS If you wasnt a rug muncher Id tell you to get on this fun sized V8 can and have the time of your life. Ill pass. KEIRA

(CONTINUED)

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21.

He scoots back underneath the desk. She looks up at the pictures on the wall. Theyre like the pictures you find in pizza joint: Cal Ripken Jr., Tony Hawk, Gary Senise, Oliver Platt, and strangely, Heather Holbrook. KEIRA Shit, does Oliver Platt really come to this place? GUS Of course not. Its just there to drum up business. KEIRA And that fuckin works? GUS Wouldnt you go to a pussy bar frequented by Hollywood character actor Oliver Platt? KEIRA Im pretty sure that history has proven that I would. We stay with the picture of Heather, young and crisp and mounted. INT. SAMS OFFICE - DAY Sam sits at his desk, waiting for Sydney. Hes completely out of it when Sydney walks up behind him. SYDNEY Scoot your toots. Startled, Sam jumps in his seat. Catching his breath, Sam lets him have the chair. SYDNEY Man, your computer is like a Chinese person trying to talk about an authentic urban area. (and then) Real shitty. High five. He puts his hand out, but Sam leaves him hanging. SAM So whats the problem?

(CONTINUED)

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22.

SYDNEY I aint got a clue, Im just gonna reset the password. He types a few more things, then the computer logs on. Sam and Sydney stare at a blank blue screen until Sams desktop loads. When it does, Sam is taken aback. His background is of Heather Holbrook. SYDNEY Hey, nice background. Heather Holbrook. Real fine piece of trim. Spread Magazines 1992 spread. Its a classic. A Vintage Spread vintage spread. She used to be on TV right?
SAM (preoccupied) Yeah. I was actually watching her show this morning. Im not sure who put that background on there.

SYDNEY I remember watching her when I was a baby. Yeah, I masturbated the ol Starburst to her quite a bit when I was a lad. He gets out of his seat, but Sam isnt quick to sit down. SYDNEY I almost forgot. You left this downstairs. He pulls out Sams keys and hands it to him. In a daze, Sam takes it, but extends the hand that is already holding the keys. He looks at the two sets of keys in unison. Time slows down. It hits him. INT. JOELS ELEVATOR - FLASHBACK Slow motion and black and white flashback to Joel telling Sam that he dropped his keys in the elevator. INT. SAMS OFFICE - DAY Sam sprints out of his cubicle, catches the attention of everyone around him. He rounds the corner and sprints down the hall leaving Sydney alone.

(CONTINUED)

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23.

Sydney looks at the picture of Heather on the monitor and sits down in Sams chair and undoes his belt and lowers his pants. He starts cranking it. He turns to his left and sees that Sams cubicle mate, a middle aged woman, is watching him. SYDNEY Leave me alone, Linda! NOT LINDA My names not Linda. SYDNEY I dont care. Either mind your own business or watch me spray! Not Linda lowers her head down the cubicle wall, but climbs up slowly like a prairie dog. INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY Joel sits in his tiny room watching an episode of Heathers show on a small antenna television. Calmly, he gets out of his chair. INT. BASEMENT - DAY Joel leisurely walks outside of his room. He posts up around a corner. He looks at his watch. Hes about to walk out from the corner when Sam, sprinting his chubby tits off, pounds on Joels door. SAM Joel, open up! Joel picks his nose as he watches his chubby compadre bang around on the cold metal. Sam gets tired of this and grabs the doorknob, twists, and opens the door. INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY Sam looks around and his confusion turns to shock. He sees the web of pictures and newspaper clippings. They dwarf him in their scope. Theyre from the future. People he doesnt know, headlines that havent happened yet. His eyes stop on a picture of Heather Holbrook. ANGLE ON HEADLINE: Heather Holbrook, 46, found dead in Long Island home. Sams eyes move downwards. He reads.
(CONTINUED)

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24.

ANGLE ON STORY: The former child star was found dead in her home late last night. The killer-The rest of the story is missing. He backs away from the board and looks at Joels notes regarding the past attempts. He cant make heads or tails of anything in this room. He turns around and spots Joels time contraption. He touches the handlebars and the small plastic crystals glow. They illuminate blue and cover his face. Through the open door, Joel walks. JOEL Give it a try. Startled, Sam jumps. Joel walks over to his chair, sits, and puts his feet up. SAM (out of breath) What the fuck Joel! How could you do this? How could you steal the only thing in the world that I love! Were supposed to be tight pussies! He takes his feet down. He looks at Sam with genuine confusion. JOEL Same, we are tight pussies. Thats why I did this. Youre the tightest pussy I know. SAM Dont try to flatter me. I have the keys! I know whats going on! Tell me where I can find my Miata or prepare to fight me karate style. JOEL Same, Im being honest here. I dont knows what your talkings about. Whats wrong with your mai tai? SAM Whats wrong with my mai tai, is that you stole it from me you shit dick. You duplicated my keys and stole it! He shows both sets of keys.
(CONTINUED)

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25.

JOEL Those arent duplicates. I can explain everything, but first... He gets up and walks to the bike. He pats on the seat, signaling for Sam to put his thick buns down upon it. He takes the spaghetti strainer resting on the seat and throws it to Sam. SAM I will not play this weird sex game with you, Joel. I know you caught me masturbating at the holiday party, but that is not an invitation for you to crawl into my butt! I just want you to tell me where my car is so I can go back upstairs. JOEL Do you really want to go back upstairs? Joel motions for him to put it on again, and this time, Sam begrudgingly does. JOEL Just get on the machine and pedal. Youll see soon enough. Sam takes a deep breath, but doesnt get on. He knows that hes onto something big here, but hes afraid to take the first step. Mustering up what little resolve he has, Sam stands up on the pedals and pumps as fast as he can. The water bubbles, the crystals flash, the sound kicks. Blue light hits, engulfing Sam. INT/EXT. JOEL HOLE Sam screeches through time like a pimp.
Extremely rapid shots of Joel building the machine. Joel stealing the keys from Sams pants. A red haired wom an. Joel, hopping off the machine holding Sams duplicate keys. Joel taking a poop. Joel messing with Sams computer.

Flashes of: the Heather Holbrook picture, screens of her show, of the headline, a bloody knife, Joel lying against the wall covered in blood, the open window, and Joels stank undies.

(CONTINUED)

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26.

In a slightly more cohesive image, Heather Holbrook jogs, unaware of approaching danger. Shes head to toe in fashionable runners gear. As she runs, the red haired woman, AMANDA ROTHMAN runs too. A blue opening appears, giving Sam a better view of the scene. However, before it can completely open, Sam loses consciousness and the Joel Hole closes. INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY Sam vomits on the floor and passes out in his filth. Joel walks to a small brown refrigerator just under the blackboard. He takes out a frozen ice pack and puts it on Sams head, which he rests on his lap, like a baby. A wet fart slides across the floor. EXT. LONG ISLAND STREET - DAY
Its a tangible version of Sams vision. Rothman runs behind Heather. She puts her hand out as though she were reaching out to the woman. Her gaze is so voracious that she loses concentration and doesnt notice a car coming right for her.

AMANDA Shit! Luckily, the car stops before hitting her, but shes not aware enough to stop herself. She runs headfirst into it and flips over the hood. EXT. AMANDAS APARTMENT - DAY Amanda runs into a cheap, low-rent apartment building. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT - DAY
There are bottles all over the place, pill canisters, food, and crooked pictures. She walks to a tiny green bathroom and stands in front of the mirror to assess her damage.

Next to the mirror, just above the toilet, is a picture of Heather. She sidesteps next to it and looks deep into Heathers eyes. Weirdly, we hear a dripping and after a time, she flushes the toilet and walks out of the room. She takes off her running gear and puts on a workmans shirt that reads, "Riviera" on it. She walks over to a computer, opens a few tabs, most of which are pictures of Heather, and lands on a dating site.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

27.

She reads a message that mentions a date. She writes a quick message mentioning that she cant wait. She looks at the time in the corner of the screen and freaks out. AMANDA Oh God Amanda, not again. She storms out her front door, leaves it open. Through the doors opening, an image of the wall, much like Joels - chunked with Holbrook pictures - is visible. She runs back and closes the door. INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY Sam lies face down on the floor. Joel sits in his chair watching his television. Theres a turned over milk carton on the floor and its spilled all over the place. When Sam comes to, he looks at the puddle and nearly has another episode. SAM Oh, thank God. Its just milk. I thought that I had a wet dream all over the floor. JOEL Lets not say things we cant take back. Sam pops up off the floor and walks over to Joel. Together they watch the television show for a short time. Sams attention turns to the rest of the room and how its covered in pictures of Heather. EXT. RIVIERA - PARKING LOT - DAY Amanda steps out of her dinky, food stamp car and heads towards the entrance. INT. RIVIERA- DAY No one pays her any mind as she walks into the club. She makes her way down the floor, occasionally glancing at the lady parts of the dancers. While she stares, Gus comes roaring around the corner. GUS Rothman, what did I say about looking at the girls titty balls?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

28.

AMANDA Mr. Llewelyn, really, I wasnt-GUS Just because your chest looks like a baseball diamond doesnt give you the right to badger the girls. Gus grabs her by the back of the shirt and leads her across the floor like a disciplinarian principle. GUS Get your smock and gloves on. A homeless man got in again and took a shit on the wall and then died. He died? AMANDA

GUS (half hearted) Yeah, real tragedy. Oh, and we only have Ziploc bags so youre gonna have to get creative.

AMANDA Okay, Mr. Llewelyn. GUS Please, call me... Mr. Llewlyn. Amanda does her best to hide the dejection and walks to the corner and grabs a mop. At a nearby table, Keira sips a drink, having seen the whole thing. Amanda notices that shes watching and turns to her. Keira lifts her drink. KEIRA Men, right?
AMANDA (sheepishly) Men...

She sneezes and blood shoots out. She walks out holding her nose and her mop.

29.

INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY Sams on two with his pegs his nose the bike fixing his helmet. Its time for round this machine. On the back of the bike, standing on like a slutty middle schooler, is Joel. He picks without shame. SAM Do you have to come with me? I just want to go back and see if I can find who stole my Miata. Id prefer not having your cheesy gordita crunch smelling ass there with me. JOEL Tough Tittlers. Joel reaches to a nearby counter and takes a cup of milk and downs it like a champ. JOEL You wanna get milked up, Same? SAM Not really. Will it help? Possibly. JOEL

SAM Still absolutely not. Joel tosses the glass messily across the room, misses the garbage can. He then wraps his arms around Sams chest. Sam shakes his head and starts pedaling. JOEL I can feel your pulse against my pulse. Lets ride. The blue light appears and theyre off and running. INT/ EXT. JOEL HOLE Much like the first time, everything is chaos. Incoherent flashes of sound and sight envelop the two silly boy time travelers. Sam looks at the pandemonium. SAM So what am I looking at here? Is this some sort of Scott Bakula wormhole?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

30.

JOEL It could be called a Worm Joel I suppose. SAM Is your penis touching my back? JOEL Yes, keep pedaling. They go further into the hole and things start to become clear. SAM Why cant I see whats happening? Why isnt it like the street before? JOEL Think about it like youre on a bicycle. SAM I am on a bicycle. JOEL Thats how it works. Thats how the Joel works. It takes Sam a second to realize, but then it hits him. SAM Wait, you call this...
JOEL (interrupting) Shut you talk hole, Sam! This conversation is boring and weve got a good thing going. The details dont matter and I dont want you to get bogged down in science he speaks.

SAM What? Where is this coming from? JOEL Just keep pedaling. Pretty soon youll go fast enough to make it out of the Joel Hole.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

31.

SAM You know, its hard not to think youre gay with how hard your penis is right now.
JOEL (reaching climax) Keep pedaling Sam, were almost there! Were almost there! Were Joeling! Were Joeling!

The blue light fades and the image becomes crisp. EXT. SAMS HOUSE - NIGHT Out of the blue vortex, Sam and Joel ride. As they progress further, Sam realizes where they are. Joel appears to have been napping the whole time. SAM Hey, this is my neighborhood. Joel looks at the suburban homes that surround him on both sides. SAM You are one hundred percent fully erect against my back right now. JOEL Youre welcome. They turn a corner. JOEL Same, if were supposed to be such tight pusses, why havent I ever seen your house? Youve been in my elevator hundreds of times. SAM Because Im a white person who lives in a beautiful suburb and youre a middle aged Mexican man who lives in the basement of an office building. The neighbors would talk. Joel puts up three fingers. JOEL Jump off in three.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

32.

SAM What? JOEL One, two, three!

Joel hops off the bike. Sam, not privy to whats happening, does not. From the side, hes hit by a police car. He lies on the ground, dazed, while the officer walks over to him.

OFFICER BOYARDEE License and registration. SAM You hit me! OFFICER BOYARDEE Son, I dont think you want take that tone with me. The person to speak that way to came in last on the popular show, Survivor: Thailand. to last me TV

SAM Does that mean you killed them? OFFICER BOYARDEE License and registration, now! Sam reaches into his back pocket, gives Boyardee his wallet. He opens it and looks inside at his license, the contents. He then throws it onto the ground. OFFICER BOYARDEE You better watch where youre going Dixon. Especially if youre going with this jamoke. He points to Joel.
OFFICER BOYARDEE Long Island can be a pretty dangerous place if you avoid the obvious signs.

He gestures to a stop sign right next to him. SAM Not to be a butt, but youre the one who ran the sign.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

33.

OFFICER BOYARDEE Shut up, nerd. Boyardee slaps Sams wallet onto the ground and the contents of it explode. Sam gets down on his knee and picks them up. Boyardee looks towards Joel and heads to his car. OFFICER BOYARDEE You watch yourself Joel. You watch yourself. Boyardee makes the sound of a siren with his mouth, then enters his car and drives off. Cautiously, Sam walks back to the bike and kicks up the bike stand. They start riding again. SAM Did you know that asshole? JOEL You know one police you know em all. SAM Actually I dont know any. I might not be good at a lot, but Ive done a pretty stellar job of staying under their gaydar. JOEL Theyre harmless. Just little piggies with blue hats. They pull me over all the time. SAM What are they getting you for? JOEL Little things. Stealing milk, hugging cats a little too hard, climbing trees. SAM Climbing trees isnt illegal. JOEL It is if you do it right. Sam takes the bike to the left side of the street and leaves it lying on the grass. The Miata is parked where it was earlier in the day. Sam runs over to it, leaves Joel hanging.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

34.

SAM (kssing the car) Oh, baby, thank God youre okay. They didnt hurt you did they? They didnt make you make them...feel good, did they?

JOEL We need to go inside, Same. SAM Shut up Joel, cant you see that my car needs me right now. Im done with this quest of yours, be on your way. JOEL Suit yourself.
Joel walks across the lawn and up the front stairs. With quick movement he kicks open his door, and enters his house.

SAM Youre gonna set off the Slomins Shield!

Sam rushes after him. INT. SAMS HOUSE - NIGHT

All the lights are off, but the sound of a quiet mumble can be heard from somewhere in the home. Sam looks at a clock and sees that its 2 A.M. SAM You cant just break into my house. My mom will get confused and think youre an intruder and probably try and sleep with you. Joel signals for Sam to be quiet. JOEL Shut it. This is learning time, not talking with your mouth time. He leads him around his own house, eventually going into Sams room.

35.

INT. SAMS BEDROOM - NIGHT Joel creeks the door open and goes inside. Sam, the naive chubby pup that he is, follows him. In the bed, covered all nice and tight like a delicious, delicious crepe, is a sleeping version of our main man, Sam. Sam walks over to the bed and looks down at himself. SAM I look so peaceful. JOEL I think youre dreaming about eating a hamburger. Sam looks closer at his slumbered avatar. While asleep, he mimes holding something in both hands, biting into it. JOEL Now I think youre dreaming about eating spaghettis. Sleeping Sam pantomimes curling up some tasty nudes on a fork and slurps them like the dogs in Lady and the Tramp.
SAM (whispering) Dream the infinite dream my sweet prince.

Joel walks over to Sams nightstand and takes a water bottle and motions it in the direction of his hands. JOEL Do you know what causation is? Joel takes the water bottle and pours the water into a bowl that is also on Sams night table. He fills the bowl up as he talks. JOEL Causation is just cause and effect. do that. What Im thats causation.
another word for If I do this, you doing right now, Do you comprende?

SAM No. I also dont comprende what comprende means.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

36.

JOEL What about now? Joel takes Sams hand and puts it in the bowl of water. SAM Oh! So because you dipped my fingers in water, Im going to pee the bed later. You caused me to pee the bed. Thats causation? Sort of. JOEL

SAM What do you mean sort of? Joel unzips his pants, takes out his gross brown dick, and pees all over Sam and his bed. The sound of the stream hitting the sheets is raw filth. Theres a very, very long will they or wont they involving whether Sam is going to look at Joels dong. Were talking ten seconds plus. INT. SAMS HOUSE - NIGHT Inside the living room, Keira gets munched out by a BRUNETTE. In between moans she watches our heroes pass by through the crack in the door. She closes her eyes and gives herself to ecstasy. When she reopens them, Joel, like a reverse Batman, is inside the room looking at both of them, hands stuffed in his pants. KEIRA What the fuck! The girl that is chowing down turns to face Joel, she screams, alerting Sam. He runs into the room and drags Joel out the door. EXT. SAMS HOUSE - NIGHT
The brunette sprints out of the house screaming bloody murder. Sam drags Joel outside and they watch her go. A livid Keira stomps out, pants off for all the world to see.

SAM Keira, Keira, I can explain... Keira isnt having any of it. She winds up and Superman punches Sam right in the eye.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

37.

KEIRA Thatll teach you to interrupt a munch sesh. And you, do you want some of this? Come at me Jimmy Smitts. Joel, fast as he can, drags Sam by the foot. Keira stomps up the stairs and goes back into the house. Joel takes Sam to the bike and props him up on the pegs. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT Joel and semi-conscious Sam pedal to the office. When they arrive, Joel, with insane strength, carries Sam into the building on one shoulder. INT. JOELS ROOM - NIGHT Joel hooks the bicycle back into the base and leans Sam up against the wall. He throws a glass of cream in Sams face to wake him up.
SAM (spitting) God damnit, Joel. Why do you have so much milk lying around?

JOEL That wasnt milk. They stare at each other. Sam doesnt even want to think about it. EXT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT Theyre spit out of the Joel hole and they ride down the street towards Heathers house. They pass a street sign that is just out of sight. JOEL Were stopping here. Sam stops the bike and Joel pops off of the pegs. He walks up the lawn of Heathers house and up the stairs. Sam cautiously gets off the bike and follows him. Hes about halfway up the walkway when Joel opens the door. JOEL Youre going to want to watch your step. Theres a bump.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

38.

SAM Okay, thenSam trips and falls onto the steps. He looks at what he tripped on and sees Keiras outstretched hand coming from the bush. Afraid, he scampers up the stairs. INT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT
Its not really the home of someone with douche bag wealth, but its definitely better than a truck stop bathroom.

Sam follows Joel around the house. Joel finds a stairway and clomps up. SAM Where are we? JOEL Were in Heathers house. SAM Shes not the one who stole my car is she? JOEL If your car is my heart, then a million times yes. SAM Id like it if you stopped saying things like that.
At the top of the stairs Joel makes a left turn and goes into a bedroom. Sam hurries up the stairs to catch up to him. They both go into a room with a busted open door. SAM (off screen) Oh, fuck.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT Its the scene from earlier. The two bodies are on the ground. The signs of struggle are there. If you could smell the scene, youd be able to notice the distinct scent of doody coming from Sams corpse. He and Joel look over the bodies. Sam covers his mouth and bends over, looking like hes going to puke.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

39.

SAM What the hell is this? JOEL This is your future Sam. This is your chubby, chubby future. Sam walks over to his corpse and touches it with his foot. When he sees that its solid, and not some sort of hallucination, he jumps back. SAM This is me? JOEL In the flesh. Or whats left of it that is. Sam crouches down and looks at himself. SAM And this isnt a trick? JOEL No. This is you, fat, dead, on the ground, in your own blood. Your fat, fat blood. SAM Do you really need to keep talking about my weight like this? JOEL Were you not dreaming about eating spaghetti a few minutes ago? Sam makes his way around the body, inspects closely. Hes less sick now and more curious. JOEL Check your back pocket. Sam goes in and finds nothing but a jolly rancher wrapper and dirt. SAM Is this where you got my keys from? Joel walks over to the window and looks outside at Keiras body to check if there are any signs of life coming from her.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

40.

SAM Joel, this is some heavy shit. Whatever is going on, Id prefer if you left me out of it. Just leave me be and Ill go home, crank one out in my Miata, and see you tomorrow and then never talk about this or the fact that time travel exists again. JOEL Thats a no canned fruit. This all happened because of causation. Right now were just playing things out. SAM I dont want to play things out, I just want to eat some pizza bages and be left alone. JOEL Same, if we dont fix this, the only pizza bages youll be eating are in Hell.
Sam looks at the other body in the room. The mess of blonde hair. The slowly dispensing blood. The above average butt.

SAM Youve really fucked me on this one, havent you Joel? You couldnt just be a bro and handle this yourself, but no, you had to involve me in it. JOEL Its not up to me. If it were up to me, none of this would happen at all. But this is how things goes. You and me, we do this. Its what it is. Sam nods his way through the jumble of info. SAM Joel, Ive known you for a long time and youve told me a lot of crazy things. You told me that birds arent real, that youre the sole perpetrator of 9/11, that I am my own brothers keeper... but this, this is nonsense.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

41.

Sam looks at his body. SAM And for some reason, Im willing to believe you. It might be that I have Junior Seau like concussion symptoms from my sisters right hook, or maybe youre telling the truth, but whatever the reason, I will help you save this woman and in turn save myself. I will live to see another bage. JOEL You wont live to regret it. SAM If what youre saying is true, I dont think I have a choice. He grabs Joels hand, but Joel doesnt shake it. Its as if he doesnt understand how shaking hands works. SAM My little Mexican friend, as Dog the Bounty Hunter is my witness, we will save this woman. I will follow you into the dark. He sniffs. SAM Have you been farting this whole time? Joel learns to shake Sams hand and at the same time his other hand is clearly working on his boner. Before they can finish shaking hands, sirens and red and blue lights peer in through the second story window. JOEL Sneeze it! Its the cops! Joel runs towards the window jumps and out recklessly. He lands in the bushes in the most awkward manner possible. Sam, unsure of what to do, follows suit, misses the bushes entirely, narrowly avoids death.

42.

EXT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT As Sam regains composure, Joel sets up the bicycle. Sam runs over to him. SAM Joel, whats going? Why are there cops everywhere? JOEL No time to asplain, get on.
Sam, doing as hes told, pegs Joel. Yuck. As the police cars approach the house, the two take off in the other direction.

INT. RIVIERA - BATHROOM - DAY In the present, Gus does a filthy line of Viagra off the sink. He lifts his head and rubs his dick, proud of how hard he is. He looks around the bathroom and snickers. GUS Rothman! Get in here! Amanda bursts into the bathroom, trips, falls into a stack of filthy, used tampons. GUS Get up right now, this isnt a buffet. This place smells like dog shit. I want to be able to eat of these floors. He walks over to the stalls, bangs on them. In one of the stalls, two pairs of feet are visible. GUS Hey finish up and cum! We didnt put up these stalls so you could not cum on them. He walks out of the room. As soon as he leaves, Amanda breaks down in tears. From a stall, Keira walks out with an XXL magazine. She goes straight to the sink to wash her hands. The sight of Amanda crying catches her by surprise. KEIRA Dont take nothing that guy says or does seriously. Hes a fucking pig. AMANDA I know, its just...I hate it here so much. I just wish there was one (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

43.

AMANDA (contd) day I could come in, clean the breakfast buffet, and leave in peace. KEIRA Thats mighty ambitious of you. Amanda uses the collar of her shirt as a tissue. AMANDA Its terrible here. First day in he throws a smock at me, tells me that a bunch of pigeons exploded in the vents and that I was the only person small enough to fit in there. KEIRA Why dont you bounce? AMANDA I cant quit! Theres nowhere else for me to go. Im a college educated white woman living in America. I have literally no other options! She leans against her broom and weeps. KEIRA This aint gonna be forever. You got a bright future ahead, I can tell. Heres a question I asked myself the one time I ever felt sad, where do you want to be in five years? AMANDA I dont know. I never really thought about it. I always wanted to be a chef, but I got kicked out of culinary school. KEIRA Whyd that happen? She stomps her foot like a child. Everything in the room shakes like an earthquake. Keira looks around. AMANDA When it got too hot in the kitchen my hair would break the hair nets! (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

44.

AMANDA (contd) They said they couldnt have me contaminating the dishes! Stupid hair, stupid hair, stupid hair! She grabs her hair from the sides, rips it. Shes on the verge of a break. KEIRA Hey, calm down. There aint no need to do any of that. You got very pretty hair, Id hate to see it on the ground. (and then) Im Keira. Amanda. AMANDA

She takes her hands off her head and they shake hands. Keiras vibing this chick like crazy. KEIRA Well, Amanda, if youre aint doing anything nothing you get off, you want to see a movie or something? Maybe catch a Jack Chan movie?
AMANDA (sniffling) I would, but I cant. I have a date later. KEIRA (disappointed) Oh, well, no problem. You probably gonna want to clean the second stall to the left, someone left a baby in the seat. If you work quick, you can get it while its still warm.

Thanks.

AMANDA

Keira walks out of the bathroom, leaves Amanda in slightly better spirits - even if she does have to clean up a dead ass baby.

45.

INT. JOELS ROOM - DAY

Back from the future, Joel looks at his board of information. Sam checks out his bruise in the mirror.

SAM Do you think the black eye makes me look rugged? JOEL I think it makes you look like a battered wife. Sam walks away from the mirror and sits down on Joels bed in the far corner of the room. JOEL But its a good look for you, honest. A lot of white women cant pull that off. Sam looks over to the Joel and then leans his head back against the wall. SAM Joel, how in the world did you get this thing? JOEL I built it with my Joel paws. SAM No offense, but youre a fucking idiot and I dont believe that for a second you fucking asshole liar. If you built a time machine, why are you working as an elevator man and not fucking shit up throughout time? JOEL Because sometimes youve just got to do what you love. Traveling through time is a hobby, but going up and down in an elevator is my passion. Sam gets up from the bed and walks over to the big board. His eyes jump from picture to picture, eventually stopping on a picture of the Riviera.

46.

EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - DAY Sam and Joel exit the building through the back, leading them right into the parking lot. Its still decently early in the morning. Sam looks at the sky. SAM Wow, does time just stop when were in there? I dont even think its time for my lunch yet. JOEL Youre the kind of guy who looks like his lunch time is a very liberal one. SAM When this is over, were going to have a long talk about how you talk to me. They walk further into the parking lot. Joel looks around, grows anxious. JOEL Same, whered you park? SAM Have you not paid attention to any of this? I didnt. Someone Hillary Swanked my ride. I had my sister drive me.
Joel points to an inconspicuous spot at the end of the lot.

JOEL So should you call your sister to pick us up? SAM I dont think thats going to work so well. Shes pretty pissed at me for, well, you were there-JOEL (interrupting) Getting in the way of her pussy licking.

Sam rubs his brow.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

47. JOEL If you lick her pussy enough, do you think shell give us a ride?

Sam walks away. JOEL So were going to need someone else to drive us right? INT/EXT. MRS. DIXONS CAR - MOVING - DAY Mrs. Dixon drives, Sam is in the passenger seat, and Joel is left to his own devices in the back. Mrs. Dixon watches him suspiciously from the rear-view mirror. Somehow, hes snuck a carton of milk into the car. SAM (to his mother) Dont say anything. Joel lowers the carton and reveals a milk mustache. MRS. DIXON So Joel, where are you from? JOEL The Dominican Republic. MRS. DIXON Oh, whats that like? JOEL Its good. Good food. Always hot. A lot of pretty graffiti murals of Jesus and Mary in front of nurseries, and not the Jesus and Mary youre thinking of. He takes another swig from the carton. MRS. DIXON Do you mind not drinking in my car? I usually dont allow open containers. Joel takes the milk, lowers the window and tosses it out. The carton smashes against the window of another car, spraying everywhere. JOEL Sames moms, can we pull over? Ive got to go poop.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: MRS. DIXON Well be there soon.

48.

From out of nowhere Joel pulls out another carton of milk and starts drinking it. Sam and Mrs. Dixon are amazed.

EXT. RIVIERA - PARKING LOT -DAY

Sams mother stops her car in the parking lot. Joel gets out of the backseat and Sam, a little later, gets out of the front. Mrs. Dixon waves him over and rolls down her window.

MRS. DIXON I love you, hes never allowed back in the house. Sam smiles understandingly. SAM Can you keep the car running? Were probably only going to be a couple minutes. MRS. DIXON No can do, Sammy. Ive got to go to the gynecologist for a smear, but Ill be wide open after seven. Sam smiles and pats on the roof. SAM You should go. INT. RIVIERA - DAY Sam and Joel walk into the club and are immediately greeted by a STRIPPER (39) nearing her expiration date. STRIPPER Oh, look who came back for another dip of fondue? Can I interest you in a private dance? Maybe an ol fashion suckdown? She puts her hand on Sams chest. SAM While Id love for you to grind on my penis, I must decline. I need to find your manager. The stripper tries to stretch her leg out seductively, but you know...shes yuck city. She points across the floor with her foot.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

49. STRIPPER Door across from the bathroom. Knock first. You take care of yourself, Sammy.

Sam heads off in that direction, leaving Joel. How does she know his name? STRIPPER How about you? I could show you a good time. JOEL I got doo doo on the way. She shakes her head and scuttles off into the pit of glitter and fog. INT. BATHROOM - DAY The last stall is open and Joel walks into it. As soon as he situates himself, Rothman walks into the bathroom with her mop. Near tears, she cleans the floor. INT. GUS OFFICE - DAY Sam stands outside Gus office. He knocks and enters. SAM Are you the manager? GUS Gus Llewelyn. Whos askin? SAM Im Sam Dixon. GUS Well what you want? SAM Im looking for a woman. Gus holds up his hand, silencing Sam. GUS Hey, kid, give me a minute. Im feeling a little loose in the loins if you catch my drift. Gus takes out a bag of his penis pills, crushes them up, and then snorts them. He shakes his head furiously and coughs. Sam watches on in disgust.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

50. GUS God damn, kid! I feel like I could fuck a rhino right now. You want a hit?

Sam looks at this gross man with suspicion and disgust. INT. BATHROOM - DAY
Amanda, weeping, makes her way down the stalls. She gets to the stall where Joel is taking a poop, but Joel obviously doesnt poop like normal people. He does it with his shirt off and the door open. They make long, awful eye contact.

Amanda gulps, takes her mop, and handles it like a spear. INT. RIVIERA- DAY Amanda pushes Joel across the main floor by the back of the mop. His shirt is still off and his pants are down and he scoots quickly with his mud butt hanging for all to see. The girls stop dancing, and Keira, still there, notices. KEIRA What the fuck? Thats the nilla from yesterday.
She gets up and prepares to lay the smacketh down on him, but sees him going towards Gus office. She sits down.

INT. GUS OFFICE - DAY Sam leans forward. Gus, hard as a rock, tries his best to keep his attention focused. SAM Im looking for a woman, her name is Heather. I think you might be able to help me. GUS Kid, this is a titty store. Everyones name here is Heather. Youre going to have to be more specific. SAM Her name is Heather Holbrook. Is that of any help? Blonde. Probably in her mid 40s. Gus leans back in his chair, reveals the top of his throbbing dick head. Sam stares at it like the nose of the man in the Operation board game.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

51.

SAM Im pretty sure theres a picture of her on your wall. He points. GUS Oh, Heather! Now I remember. Before he can go on, Amanda comes pushing Joel into the room with the door handle. He trips on his pants and falls, ass up. AMANDA Mr. Llewelyn, I found another homeless taking a naked shit in the bathroom! Gus claps his hands. GUS Great work, Rothman! That how you put that old curly headed noggin of yours to good use you dumb whore. Amanda smiles, Joel gets up off the ground. JOEL Same, who is this guy? GUS You two know each other? I dont do business with bums, thats my one rule. No crums, no bums. He points to a sign hanging in his office. It reads, "No CrumBums allowed!" SAM No, no, no! Were not homeless. Were just looking for Heather. Thats it. We just have a few questions and well be on our way. GUS I dont know kid, it doesnt seem like theres a lot in it for me. Maybe with some incentive you could refresh my memory.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

52.

SAM I dont usually do business with the Greek, but what did you have in mind? GUS Currently Im a little cash poor. Im also a little regular poor. Maybe you could alleviate that. Sam takes out his wallet; Gus reaches over and takes it from him. He goes through the contents. GUS Youve got seventeen dollars and...eight coupons to subway. Gus takes the money and throws the wallet back at Sam, hitting him in the face with it. Joel pulls his pants back up and takes a seat. Amanda watches sheepishly.
GUS (leaning in) Heres the scoop. Before Ms. Holbrook was a big star who do you think discovered her? No one but yours truly.

JOEL I find it hard to believe she ever came in this place. GUS Kid, it was the eighties. It happened all the time. Still does. Shit, half of the Disneys weekday lineup got their start here. Thats So Raven, Yo Gabba Gabba, The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Aint no better training camp for the big time than shaking your tits and bits. Joel clenches his fist. GUS But this Holbrook dame, she came in ready to work. I mean a real professional. She was on that pole faster than Dale Earnhardt Sr., and thats not a metaphor, one of our dancers is actually named Dale Earnhardt Sr. Shes got a bit of a (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

53. GUS (contd) mustache. Shes dead now. Funny story. SAM How long did she work here for? GUS About a year. She left without saying goodbye to no one and without wiping her juices offa the ol bronze rod.

As Gus continues, Joels fist gets tighter and tighter. Hes about ready to explode. Keira listens outside the office.

SAM So can you tell us where she is? GUS Sure. I might not look like it, but I keep records like a Jew. You throw in those Subway Coupons and Ill tell you anything you want to hear. Sam takes the coupons out of his wallet and puts them on the table. Gus takes them, smells them. GUS I cant wait for Februany. Okay, now let me just get my old Rolodex out and Ill see what I can do. Sam smiles, but Joel is still fuming. He takes out his Rolodex and flips through the names, but comes up with nothing. Confused, he puts it away. GUS Looks like I lost it. Or who knows, maybe someone took it. Rothman looks away from the action. GUS But you know, Im surprised. I didnt think anyone in the world cared about her. Shit, why would anyone give two fucks about some washed up cunt? Before Gus can finish the sentence, Joel hurdles the table, head-butts him. He and Gus both drop to the ground.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

54.

SAM Fuck, fuck, fuck!

He isnt waiting, he jets out the door, brings Joel with him. They rush past Keira who watches them, confused.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Sam and Joel dump out of the club and into the light. Joel staggers, holding his head. SAM He was going to tell us where she lived! JOEL I dont know. Im sorry. I just got angry and I Joeled out. SAM This could have been done, Joel! Fuck. I could be eating pizza bages in my car right now. Bages with pep! JOEL Same, Im sorry. I just dont like hearing people talk about Heather like that. It makes me angry. I was just trying to do what was right. SAM Well next time you try to do the right thing, dont. You only make things worse you jizz fucking taco. Sam storms out of the parking lot with Joel following behind like a sad puppy. INT. GUS OFFICE - DAY Gus is conscious and resting his head against his desk. Rothman still stands in the doorway. GUS Rothman! Get me an ice pack! I think he broke my eye socket! AMANDA Right away, Mr. Llewlyn.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

55.

GUS For the last time, call me Mr. Llewlyn! She rushes out of the room, leaving Gus to recuperate. Keira walks into the room, sits across from him. KEIRA You gonna have quite the shiner tomorrow. Amanda comes back carrying an ice pack. She gives it to Gus and he puts it on his eye. He takes it off and whips it at Rothman. GUS I said "Ice Pack" not "Pretty Warm Pack" you stupid titless bimbo! AMANDA Im sorry, thats all I can find. Ill look again. GUS Yeah, you do that, or youll be looking at a knuckle sandwich right in your twat. Yeah, thats right, Ill hit a woman! Ill hit a woman multiple times!
He pretends to throw a punch at her and she crumbles down, scared. Keira, sensing trouble, punches him in the same spot that Gus had just been head-butted. He falls back in his chair. She takes her leave. Rothman just stands and watches.

EXT. PARKING LOT - DAY Along the side of the road, Sam and Joel walk. Keira drives up next to them and puts the car in park. KEIRA Get in. SAM Keira, what are you doing here? KEIRA We got shit to talk about. Sam gets in, leaving Joel outside on the sidewalk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

56.

KEIRA You too Hamtaro. Get in. Joel gets in. INT. GUS OFFICE - DAY Gus now has a good ice pack on his face. Hes leaning back in his chair. Rothman, as per usual, stands sheepishly in the doorway. GUS To think that this all happened because of some dumb slut child star. Amanda walks out of the doorway, mutters: AMANDA I dont know if you should talk about Heather like that, sir. Its just not polite. He lowers the ice pack and stares at her. GUS What was that? AMANDA I said, I dont think its polite to talk like that about Heather. GUS Where is this coming from? Where do you get off thinking you can talk to me like that? AMANDA Nowhere. I dont like when you talk about Heather like that. Gus stands up from his desk. GUS Heather? So now youre on a first name bases with her? If youre so close to her how about you get her to pay you your salary. Youre fired! Get outta my sight! You make me wanna shit! She holds back tears.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

57.

AMANDA Mr. Llewlyn, Im going to choose to take this as a side effect of the pills you take. GUS Dont! Im soft as Gumby! I thought this forever you sack of garbage. She scrunches up her face. Enough is enough. AMANDA I am not garbage! I do not have to stand for this! He gets up out of his chair and walks towards her; seeks to intimidate her. GUS Yeah, youre not garbage. With your raggedy Anne hair and no tits, youre like a fucking mop. Just a mop used to clean up your own shit and disappointment. Youd be better off fucking dead. Calmly, she walks to the door, all the strippers watching the struggle inside. When the door beaten to a pulp. Amanda dusts of the room. closes it. We get a shot of door and we hear a terrible finally opens, Gus is her hands off and walks out

Gus spits out about sixty teeth. INT. SAMS HOUSE - KEIRAS ROOM - DAY
Keiras room looks like the mid-90s took a dump. Anime posters, framed Dennis Rodman pictures, ripped out center folds of black booty bitches. Trying to digest what shes been told, Keira buries her face in her white girl hands. KEIRA (one breath) So lemme get this straight. You two turkeys have a time machine and you tryin to stop the murder of actor and adult celebrity spreader Heather Holbrook?

JOEL (ass blasting the 4th wall) I would say thats a good synopsis that covers all basic points (MORE) (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

58.

JOEL (contd) without being bogged down in scientific details. (and then) Why cant you be more like your sister Same? Keira gets up and walks to the window, looks outside for ill-conceived dramatic effect. She points to her DVD collection which consists of nothing but movies you would find in bins at 711 and Duane Reade. KEIRA I dont buy it. Ashley Koochers the Butterfly Effect proved that time travel is impossible. You two are some Wilmer Valdaramas rat finks trying to get me caught up in your Wilmer Valdadrama!
SAM Were not lying.

KEIRA Then prove it. Whats my fuscia? Sam looks around the room trying to Keyser Sze a story. SAM In your future there is great wealth. KEIRA It doesnt take a stationary bicycle with time warping capabilities to know that Im going to Oprah Rich. SAM And I saw women, lots of them. Wet pussies everywhere. KEIRA Are you interrupting dope munch seshes in my future too? SAM I also saw-JOEL (jumping in) Spaghettis.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

59.

Keira turns her attention to Joel. Sam tries to say something, but Keira puts her finger up to her brothers lips, shushing him. JOEL You start a Civil War themed Italian restaurant called The Spaghettisburg Address. Sam covers his mouth in shock. KEIRA Whats the special? JOEL Spaghetti Alfredont Have Slaves. Keira looks down, then at Sam. KEIRA Sam, can I talk at you for a hot minute? She and Sam walk just out of range of Joel. She whispers. Bro, day, What this KEIRA I know youre havin a rough but you cant be serious. the fuck is you doing? Is some sort of game?

SAM I know this whole thing is fucking crazy, but its true. Ive seen it. Everything he talked about is dead on. KEIRA How do you fuckin know though? You coulda been drugged or somethin. I spend my whole life selling narcotics that make me people trip weirder and harder things than traveling through time. He coulda slipped you something in all that milk hes always sippin. SAM Keira, he didnt do that. I trust Joel. He wouldnt try to hurt me. Shot of Joel trying to stick both arms in his shirt like a child.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

60.

SAM Hes the tightest pussy I know. She looks to Joel. KEIRA Yall are really that tight a pussy together? Sam nods. KEIRA Fine. Do what you want. But dont come crying to me when you shipped to the top the Great Wall a China with no contact info or nothing. Now I got deliveries to make. One. She walks out. Sam looks over to the ball of craziness that is Joel. Hes staring at the picture of Heather theyve been carrying around. Maybe shes not totally off base. EXT. BAR - NIGHT A trendy looking bar. A place for young dudes who want to talk about Arcade Fire and for girls who want to be talked at about Arcade Fire. INT. BAR - NIGHT COLT (26) sits at a table. Hes handsome and trendy in all the right places. His eyes dart around the bar looking for his date. Small groups of women come into the bar. He looks at his watch, impatient, thinking he might have been stood up. Right as hes about to leave, the bell above the door rings. He looks in the direction and Amanda walks in. Amanda? Colt? COLT AMANDA

The two hug politely and then sit down at the tiny table. AMANDA Oh my God, its so nice to finally meet you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

61.

COLT Oh, jeez. Im so happy you came. You cant imagine how relieved I was when you walked through the door. Ive had some really bad experiences with online dating. AMANDA Me too. You never know. I was afraid I might end up with a real weirdo. The two laugh in the way that people who are nervous and on dates laugh because they are nervous and on dates. Awesome line! High five! AMANDA Like a pedophile or something. COLT Or a black guy. Amanda stops laughing. INT. BAR - NIGHT - LATER Glasses all around. Theyve been getting crunk as fuck. Both of them lean in, by all accounts, this date is going pretty well. COLT And thats why I dont eat gluten anymore! Amanda laughs a little too hard at the joke. Like...this is some urban folk laughing at Kevin Hart shit. AMANDA Too true. Too true. Colt looks at his watch. COLT Well, its getting pretty late. Maybe we should think about calling it a night. AMANDA Well, we dont have to call it a night. Colt picks up on the signals.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

62.

COLT What should we call it then? AMANDA We should call it... (a beat) A fuckathon. The two lock eyes. This Amanda chick is down to do the nasty. INT. APARTMENT COMPLEX HALLWAY - NIGHT Holy shit they are making out hardcore. Theyre in the hallway of Amandas apartment complex. Its as shitty as her actual apartment. Without taking her face off of his, Amanda reaches into her bag and takes out her keys. She tries to plug them into the door. AMANDA Ive got to warn you, this place is really messy. COLT Not as messy as its going to be. Amanda puts the keys in her door and opens it. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT - CONT
They make out through the filth in the direction of her room. She rips off her pants. Colt flips off his jacket. His hand gravitates towards her underwear, grabbing her butt.

They talk while mouth fucking. COLT I want to be inside you. AMANDA Put your stuff in my stuff! COLT Im so hard right now. AMANDA Me too. And then time slows down.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

63.

Colts expression change wrinkle by wrinkle. We get a shot of Amandas face, real hot and bothered. Then we go back to Colt. And then we go downwards, towards the crotchal region.

Where Colts hand is, there is not a petite mound, but instead there is a highly pronounced bulge that can only be a monster cock. Holy shit! COLT

Colt pushes Amanda down on the floor and makes a run for the exit. AMANDA Colt, wait! He gets up and runs. When he steps, a picture of Heather sticks to the bottom of his shoe. He takes it with him out the door. As Amanda cries the full expanse of her Heather wall becomes clear. INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - NIGHT MONTAGE YALL! Keira rides the car through traffic, passing people on the street. She smokes joints, drinks 40s. She parties with strangers, makes transactions. Her clientele is a mixture of young kids, to babies, to the elderly to even woodland creatures. She literally throws money in the back of the car. A good time for all. END MONTAGE INT. A CLIENTS HOUSE - NIGHT This place is a shithole, but not the kind that were used to seeing. More like the shithole you get when youre just an unkempt douchebag, not a Joel level sociopath or anything. Keira, despite her size, seems to be still pumping at all cylinders. Shes a pro. The new client has his back to her and looks to be mixing a drink or something. We can hear his voice. CLIENT And yeah, so thats why I dont eat gluten anymore.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

64.

KEIRA Thats not a good story, dont tell that again. The client turns around and holy dick and balls, its Colt. Keira looks at him unsuspectingly. COLT Hey, thanks for coming on such short notice. Ive been having a pretty whack day.
Colt sits down across from Keira. He looks at her inventory.

COLT Youve got a real respectable stock. Howd a young missus such as yourself get into this business? Keira doesnt look up from the job shes doing. KEIRA Not much else to do on Long Island. Just full of nerds and jobs at Wendys. Take this. He takes the joint and then takes a generous hit from it. He starts coughing.
COLT (coughing) Oh man, thats great.

He crosses his legs pretzel style and Keira spots the picture on it. KEIRA Yo, you got some dooky on your shoe. What? COLT

He reaches down and picks up the picture, shakes his head, shows it to her. Its the same picture of Heather thats been everywhere throughout the movie. Keira instantly makes the connection. KEIRA Yo, where were you earlier tonight?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

65.

COLT Oh, nowhere. I was just with this girl. Was gonna bang her. Like, she was all over me. Wanted my vein real bad. And she didnt have a dick or nothing. And we get into her apartment, and on the wall, theres just this fucking mural to this girl. Keira nods. COLT Needless to say I lost my boner, which sucks cause she totally didnt have a dick at all. Keira leans in.
KEIRA (interrupting) Do you remember where this girl lived?

INT. JOELS ROOM - NIGHT Sam and Joel sit in his room, plotting. Joel has a bowl of milk that hes eating with a spoon. Sam puts his hands behind his head and lies in the bed and sees a picture of Heather on the ceiling. SAM So whats your deal with Heather? JOEL What do you mean? SAM Youve wall papered your walls with her, generally thats not something done by the fair weather fan. What do you see in her? JOEL She just understands me, Same. Its that simple. SAM Have you met her? JOEL Of course I have. Shes all around me.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

66.

Sam stands up and walks to him. SAM So like, where did all this start? Or is this a chicken or the egg situation? JOEL My name is Joel, Same. Im none of those things. SAM (pointing around the room) No, I mean, did all this happen because you tried to save her, or are you trying to save her because all this happened? Joel looks at him, confused. SAM You know...what was the causation of all this? Joel looks down, queues up his deepest, darkest secrets. He looks at his reflection in his milk. JOEL Want me to start from the beginning? SAM Please do. JOEL I was born in England in the early seventies. I became one of their most best, secret spies, but then the Chinese injected me with super meth and I had to keep my heart rate up or I would die. SAM What youre telling me is Crank. Thats just the Crank movie starring Jason Statham. Theres a knock on the door. Sam and Joel turn to it before it opens. Keira walks into the room with a Swagger Rating of 98.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

67.

SAM Keira, what are you doing here? How did you find me? KEIRA Youre only ever at like three places. Our house, here, and the combination Pizza Hut Taco Bell on Sunrise Highway. Sam gets up, walks towards her. Joel crosses his leg, spills milk all over the floor. He keeps his hands in his pants as per use. SAM What do you want? KEIRA I might have something of use to you. Perhaps a lead to a certain address that you were looking for? JOEL I dont wear dresses! KEIRA No, an address you fucking Muppet Baby. I have an idea of where we can find Heathers address. Maybe even the person youre looking for. Sam takes a deep breath. SAM What do you want? KEIRA I want to use that machine over there. I want to test the validity of your claims. JOEL You can use my computer if you want, but make sure not to unplug it. I have a lot of Livejournal entries that I havent published. Keira looks at Sam. KEIRA Is he for real?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

68.

SAM Hes not great at reading the room, or really in general. We cut to Joel trying to put his arms and head inside his shirt. SAM Joel stop! Not now!
He pops his appendages back out of his shirt like a turtle. Keira pays no mind to it and walks over to the bicycle.

KEIRA I want a couple hours of alone time with this baby. I figure knowledge of my future successes is worth playing stoolie for you two bozos. Joel speaks from inside his shirt. JOEL Sounds fair. KEIRA Now keep in mind, if this is bullshit, you aint gon get anything from me, you hear? SAM Absolutely. Now scram. KEIRA

Sam pulls Joel out of the room and they close the door. Keira hops on the bike and cracks her neck. She takes a deep breath and pedals. The blue light envelops the room and its time to Joel. INT/ EXT. JOEL HOLE This trip into the Joel Bowl is different. Its almost as if shes in a dance hall with screens around her. Theres a disco ball hanging from the ceiling. As she pedals, trance music plays and the room starts changing color. She looks around afraid. KEIRA Maintain, Keira. Maintain.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

69.

On one of the screens, Keira sees a distorted image of a womans chest, thumping up and down, as it does in sex. Her image splits to take up all four screens around her then it cuts to black. The lights slam on, the music speeds up, and the image is replaced with that of penises. The only thing in the Joel Bowl is flashing, seizure inducing penises. KEIRA I hate you future! I hate you! Youre a fucking dipshit! Keira pedals as if she can get away from the images, but they just multiply more and more. The music gets louder, the penises get angrier. Eventually the dicks merge into one massive dick. The pee hole opens like a mouth and she rides into it. EXT. RESTAURANT - DAY
When Keira cums out of the filthy blue penis hole, shes spermed out on a busy main street on the Miracle Mile. Next to her there is a very fashionable restaurant. She goes up to the window, looks inside like a fat kid with rosy cheeks.

She takes her face off the glass and runs into the restaurant. The name of the restaurant in huge, gold letters: Spaghettisburg Address. INT. SPAGHETTISBURG ADDRESS - DAY The waiters are all dressed in Union and Confederate uniforms with mid-19th century facial hair. Going down the middle of the restaurant is a gold line. On the left side is a sign that reads, "Free Steaks" and on the right side is a sign that reads, "Slave Steaks." The WAITER CAPTAIN (45), dressed like Stonewall Jackson, walks over to her. WAITER CAPTAIN Oh, Ms. Keira, a pleasure of you to join us. Would you like your regular seat?
She scopes out the restaurant and takes in the sweet, sweet smell of success. Another waiter, dressed like Robert E. Lee comes carrying a creamy plate of spaghett. Keira smells it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

70.

KEIRA Yo, that smell good. What is that? WAITER CAPTAIN Why Ms. Keira, its our special. Fettuccini Alfredont Have Slaves.
We get a series of shots similar to her drug dealing montage. She eats all sorts of thick and slimy spaghetti dishes and parties with the wait staff and customers.

INT. OFFICE BUILDING - BASEMENT - NIGHT Keira slams the door to Joels room on her way out. She walks right up to Sam and Joel triumphantly. KEIRA Ive got a fucking food empire to start! Spaghettisburg isnt going to make itself! She walks down the hall, satisfied and assured. Shes got a real spring in her step. SAM Wait? That Spaghettisburg bullshit was real? I thought you were pulling it out of your ass. JOEL Causation my dear Samestein, causation... Joel smiles intensely. He bites his lower lip, showing only his giant row of top teeth. He refuses to blink. SAM Hey, your uh, your lip is bleeding. He keeps biting it. Slowly a small dribble of blood creeps down to the floor. Sam slowly walks away and catches up to his sister. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT- NIGHT Drinking alone, Amanda sits on the floor watching reruns of Heathers television show. Shes crying, looking up at the screen like a believer looks up at God to be saved. She gets up off the ground, approaches a pile of flyers and applications for culinary schools. She opens one, then collapses and falls to the ground. She looks at the screen.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

71.

AMANDA Heather, things are going to be alright, right? Give me a sign that things will be alright.
She waits for a sign, but nothing comes. She takes a painfully large swig of her alcohol, starts sobbing.

She crawls up in the fetal position, reaches for a box of tissues. She blows her nose, then, just below where we can see, moves her hand. Oh God, shes jerking off. Shes jerking off! Lets beat it before this gets gross. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT We slowly get the fuck out of her room and go out the window, where Keira, Sam, and Joel wait in Keiras car. They look up at the window where Amanda is. SAM So what do we do? KEIRA We go in there, guns a blazing and we show this mother fucker that we mean business. JOEL No, thatll get us all killed. Whoever this is dangerous, and is probably expecting us. They might even be the most cunning person on the planet. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT- NIGHT Amanda lies on her side, masturbates furiously. EXT. APARTMENT COMPLEX - NIGHT Joel shakes his head. JOEL No, weve got to be careful with this one. We need to wait for her to leave tomorrow, and then well case the place. Well use Jew Process. Itll be better that way. SAM I think you mean due process.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

72.

JOEL I know what I said. SAM Also what you said isnt what due process means. The light from Amandas room goes out.
JOEL (whispering) Quiet, Same. We dont want to wake her. Itll mean certain death for sure. Well sleep in the car tonight, when she leaves in the morning well spring into action and ambush her.

SAM Alright then. Lets go to sleep. JOEL Put something on the radio. Im afraid to close my eyes without men talking to me. SAM Does that mean that you dont blink? Have you not blinked at all today? Without blinking, Joel shrugs. Sam puts his hands on the dial and shifts between very different stations. Some are hard rock, some are rap, some are sports talk. KEIRA Man, this aint never gonna woBefore Keira can finisher her sentence, Sam switches to NPR. Everyone passes out immediately, smashing their heads against whatever is in front of them. INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - DAY
Keira, in the drivers seat, starts to stir. She opens up the car door and stumbles out, groggily. Not aware of where she is, she drops trough, and takes a piss on the lawn.

Once stream meets green, Amanda walks out, looks at her confused. Keira notices her at the last second, and it all clicks in her head.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

73.

KEIRA So how about that movie? INT/EXT. AMANDAS CAR - MOVING - DAY Amanda drives her car down into an affluent looking neighborhood, Keira in the passenger seat. AMANDA So what were you doing in the neighborhood? KEIRA You know how it gets, just had to piss. AMANDA Do I ever? I pee all the time. I have a notoriously nervous bladder and colon. Keira looks out the window of the car; theyre entering the main street of the neighborhood. KEIRA So what happened after I left the club last night? Was Gus alright? AMANDA No. Not really. He fired me. KEIRA Oh shit, Im sorry. AMANDA Dont be. I needed a change of venue anyway. I was actually thinking of taking your advice. KEIRA What advice? AMANDA Going to culinary school. I figured theres nothing to lose, and for someone like me who loses all the time, thats a very attractive prospect. Keira raises an eyebrow.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

74. AMANDA What about you? Do you go to school? KEIRA Nah, I dropped out after my freshman year. Just wasnt feeling it? AMANDA Whys that? KEIRA So a couple years before college, I had a heart surgery, and they gave me an indestructible heart, so Im immortal and shit. But then a Chinese mobster stole it from me and replaced it with one that was battery powered, so I figured it was time for me to drop out.

They have a moment. Could this be the one Keiras been looking for all her yesterday and part of today? KEIRA But thats enough about my totally true and exciting life. How did your date go last night? AMANDA It was a bust. The guy chickened out right at the last second. You know, I swear to God, I honestly think that men are afraid of me. I just dont get it. I feel like I should just quit men altogether. Theres no hope. Keiras eyes light up. KEIRA Amanda, this is America, if you want to slurp clit instead of pound rod, then you can. Its your choice. Theres no one who says you cant. Its freedom. Let me reiterate, homosexuality is a choice literally 100% of the time. Amanda makes a face and rounds the corner and spots Heather going into the movie theater. She throws on the hand break in the middle of traffic.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

75. KEIRA Yo, this is not a good place to park!

People in their cars scream vulgarities and honk at her as she backs up traffic. She runs and dodges through, leaving Keira in the car. KEIRA What is going on? Keira sees Heather going into the movie theater. INT. MOVIE THEATER - DAY The lobby only has five or six people in it, and just as Amanda gets inside, Heather walks through a set of doors. Amanda sees her walking away and makes a horrible squeal. She gets in line to buy a ticket and as she waits, Heather buys snacks. She heads in the direction of the theater before Amanda can buy a ticket. Nervous and confused, Keira walks in.
AMANDA (screams)

Move!

The people in front of her react, but dont get out of the line. After half a minute or so its Amandas turn to buy a ticket. A MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEE sits behind the desk. MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEE Hello, welcome to Village Cinemas, how can I help you? Amanda breathes heavily. AMANDA Give me one ticket to whatever movie that woman from before bought. The employee looks confused. MOVIE THEATER EMPLOYEE Im not sure which woman youre talking about. AMANDA The woman that was just in line here that was the most beautiful woman in the world.
(CONTINUED)

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76.

The man looks over to the concession stand where there is a giant fat Asian woman buying a huge popcorn. The man looks back to Amanda who has an insane expression on her face.

Hurry!

AMANDA

Amanda reaches into her purse and throws bills and change at him. She takes the ticket and runs out of the lobby, into the main floor. INT. MOVIE The movie has started, but we cant see it, because that would cost thousands and thousands of dollars. The theater is empty save for Heather, Keira, a few nerds, and a feverish, wide eyes Amanda. Heather cant help but feel uncomfortable when Amanda sits down right next to her. Keira sits on the other side of her, anxious and defensive. Amanda faces the screen for a small while, not saying anything, but then... AMANDA (playing it cool, screaming) Dont I recognize you from somewhere? Someone in front of her shushes her and she kicks the chair. The person goes flying. Heather slinks down in her chair, embarrassed. AMANDA Thats right, you used to be on that one show. The happy...the happy...
HEATHER (whispering) The Happy Folk. Yeah. Hey, do you mind keeping it down, Im trying to watch the movie.

AMANDA Oh my God, I loved you in that. You were so good. HEATHER Thanks. She faces forward and watches the movie, but Amanda gets in real close.

(CONTINUED)

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77. AMANDA And also Jillians House, and Sweetly Sorry, and Hard Asset, and Cliff Driver P.D. and Gold Hearts and Rockaway Days.

Heather, both flattered and unnerved, musters out a smile. HEATHER Im going to go to the ladies room. She gets up and walks out of the aisle. AMANDA Im gonna go change my pads! She jumps her seat and climbs all the way to the back. The fastest way to any point is a straight line. She bursts through the doors. INT. WOMENS BATHROOM - DAY Heather sits on the toilet seat, just having finished taking a pee in a stall, like how ladies pee and how I used to before high school. She throws the paper into the toilet, then stands up and flushes. As soon as she opens the door to the stall, Amanda is there to greet her with an opened mouth smile. Keira pushes the door open just enough that she can see the whole thing play out. AMANDA I cant believe Im meeting you right now! This is a dream! Heather Holbrook, what are the odds? Heather nods politely, then scoots by her and posts up at the sink. Heather washes her hands.
HEATHER (uneasy) Always nice to meet a fan.

Heather throws out the paper towel. AMANDA I dont know if this would be weird or whatever, or if you have a pen, but would you be able to give me an autograph? Heather pretends to look for a pen in her purse.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

78.

HEATHER Sorry, I dont have one right now. AMANDA Its okay! I do! When she cant immediately find a pen she dumps her purse our on the floor and scours through her filth. A lot of the mess is just crumpled up pictures of Heather, which she notices. She slowly backs towards the door. HEATHER Come on, you dont really want an autograph. Im just another faded star. AMANDA What! Youre not faded at all. You look better than ever. A semi-sincere smile inches its way across Heathers face. HEATHER Thats nice of you. AMANDA In fact, everything about you is better. Your teeth are whiter, your boobs are bigger. You even run faster now. Heather is taken aback by this. As they talk, Amanda digs through her filthy, filthy shit on the ground. What? HEATHER

AMANDA Youre like a gazelle out there. So full of grace. HEATHER Youve seen me run? Do you live around here? AMANDA Not really, about thirty minutes away. But everyone knows that these are the best streets to run on. Amanda buries her head onto the dirty bathroom floor. This pen is as elusive as it is cryptic.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

79.

AMANDA Jeez Heather, I wish I had the grace you have. I run like a telephone. Hey, maybe we can run some time. Found one! She gets up and shoves the pen in her face. Heather, now pushed all the way against the sink, takes it, then takes a paper towel and begins writing. She does her best to keep it together. HEATHER Who should I make this out to? AMANDA To my cherished friend, with love, Amanda Rothman. Heather scribbles it down and passes it to her. AMANDA Kiss it first. What? HEATHER

AMANDA Kiss it first. HEATHER I dont have any lipstick on. This doesnt deter Amanda, whose unparalleled enthusiasm overshoots rabid and goes all the way into rabbi. Heather presses the paper to her lips, passes it to Amanda. She clutches the dirty paper against her chest. HEATHER Okay, well Im going to go. Amanda wraps her arms around Heather and hugs the dear life out of her. She wont let go. Keira sees the exchange and interrupts. KEIRA Everything okay in there?
The interruption distracts Amanda for a second and Heather breaks the hug and runs out of the bathroom as fast as she can. The door closes fully and Amanda is left in the room.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

80.

KEIRA So you want go back to the movie or...? Amanda looks down at the towel in her hand. She stares at it for a second before she drops to the floor and bursts into tears. She has panic attack and sobs uncontrollably. Theres a pair of legs underneath the stall. Theyve been here the whole time. We go to the inside of the stall and its the Fat Asian Woman who was buying refreshments before. She looks terrified. She is though, still eating her popcorn. INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR Theyre still asleep in Keiras car. They dont wake up until Sam accidentally hits the CD button on the radio. Abrasive, ignorant, spectacular hip hop plays from the stereo. SAM Oh my God! He looks at the digital clock on the dashboard. SAM Weve been asleep for fifteen hours! Damn you Ira Glass! Damn you and your dulcet, dulcet tones. Hey, wheres Keira? Joel? Joel? Sam looks to Joels seat and finds only a dark yellow puddle. From the window, Sam sees that Joel has already made a break for the door, the back of his pants are soaked, leaking. Looks like he really does have a pension for the late night pee pees. INT. APARTMENT BUILDING - FRONT DOOR - DAY Sam and Joel stand outside of Amandas apartment looking at her door. The lights in the hallway flicker ominously. Joel tries the doorknob. Its locked, of course. Amanda might be a crazy lady boy, but she aint dumb. SAM We should have probably thought about this. JOEL Good idea, Same.

81.

Out of nowhere, Joel runs head first into the door, slams it open. Joel falls down on the floor, groggily gets up. Sam rushes inside the apartment and they close the door before theyre discovered. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT - DAY Looks like the setting of the "Ass to Ass" scene in Requiem for a Dream and Flubber. SAM How does someone live like this?
Sam sees that on him there is a giant tumbleweed of gross red hair. Joel wanders around the apartment and stumbles into the bedroom, which isnt protected by a door, but rather beads. Joel faces Amandas Holbrook wall.

JOEL Uhoh, Polly-O. Sam comes in and looks at it as if deciphering a code in the Da Vinci Code or Codename Kids Next Door. SAM Joel, I think we found the only person in the world crazier than you. JOEL As ifs. Joel tinkers with a dresser with VHSs stacked on top of it. As he watches Sam, he casually knocks over the videos in jealous defiance.
Next to the map theres a business card from the Riviera that has Heathers address on it. Sam heads over to the card. He looks at Joel who looks back at him inquisitively. Feeling suspicious, Sam pockets the address.

JOEL I want to see. SAM Not now, Joel. Joel inches closer. JOEL What about later, can I see then?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

82.

SAM Joel, well talk about this later. Dont get your penis in a bunch. Joel gets uncomfortably close, mirroring Amandas outburst from before. JOEL Same, I need to see the address. Show me the-Before Joel can finish his sentence, the doorknob on the front door wobbles. Its opening! The pantie raiders of the lost ark look at each other. Sam runs into another room, but Joel stays, looks straight at the front door.
SAM (whispering) Joel, what are you doing? Hide.

JOEL Only babies hide and I havent been a baby for forty four years. The door opens and Amanda, none the wiser, and Keira, Six Pence None the Richer, walk into the apartment. Shes still riding the high from meeting Heather earlier in the day. She creeps towards the beaded bedroom door without suspicion, but that doesnt last too long.
Joel runs out screaming at the top of his lungs, and then gores her in the midsection, sending both of them flying through a table. Keira runs into the other room, finds Sam.

SAM Where have you been? The most violent, awkward, close quarters brawl ensues. They break bottles, a clock, pots and pans. Joel tries to stab Amanda with a handful of hardened spaghetti and Amanda screams: AMANDA My linguine!
Sam and Keira watch from just outside the room, through the beads. The precision and violence of the fight surprises them both. Amanda, after avoiding a barrage by Joel, slams him to the ground and looks to rip out his jugular, but out of the corner of her eye spots Keira. Not wanting to murder a man in front of her new friend, she pulls up, but Joel, ever the opportunist, European uppercuts her and sends her flying into the ceiling. Shes lands hard. (CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

83.

Joel goes to snap her neck, but Sam stops him. SAM Joel, no!
He grabs his arm and pulls him away. Joel has a crazed look on his face that scares Sam. Amanda loses consciousness.

INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT- NIGHT Amanda finds herself tied to the radiator. She tries to yank herself free from it, but shes too weak. Before she can get anywhere, Keira walks into the room. Hurt, both physically and emotionally, she lies down on her side, in pain from the ass kicking Joel gave to her. AMANDA What am I tied up with? KEIRA Your hair. Its the only thing we didnt think you could rip through. Amanda looks at her wrists, and yep, shes tied together with them thick red strands. Keira sits down on the ground, gets on Amandas level. KEIRA Im sorry I played you, Im here under false pretenses. The story that I told you earlier in the hour, it aint true. Amanda looks at her frightened. She cant take any more heartbreak. KEIRA The tale I wove was not my own. It was a foul concoction of sin. The tale I told you was that of a man named Chev Chelios. Im sorry to have told you a mistrust, I hope that you forgive me. AMANDA Keira, I dont understand any of this. Whats going on? Why did you lie to me? KEIRA Weve been following you for a day. Were afraid that youre going to hurt her.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

84.

AMANDA Hurt who? Sweeping shot of the stalker wall. AMANDA Oh...I would never hurt Heather! I love her! Id rather slit my own wrists than hurt her. KEIRA Right. Thats why were afraid. Because all this, it aint normal. AMANDA Not normal? What do you mean? KEIRA Im just sayin, it aint average behavior? Look at it. It aint right. Amanda scoots and gets in Keiras face. AMANDA Who are you to tell me whats right? You sell drugs for a living. You broke into my house, you lied to me, tied me up, and worst of all you pretended to be my friend. KEIRA I aint pretend-AMANDA I trusted you. I told you about my dreams. We watched the first four minutes of a movie together. I thought we were close...and the whole time you were just using me. Im sorry. KEIRA

AMANDA You know what, Im sick of people like you. People thinking that my hair is too big or that my feats of strength are too insane. Just because Im not like the rest of you doesnt mean Im any worse.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

85.

KEIRA That kinda came out of nowhere... AMANDA I deserve the benefit of the doubt. I deserve to be loved and not have to pick out the corpses of pigeons from vents. (and then) You asked me where I want to be in five years, well, if Im still living like this five years from now, I hope you kill me right now! Keira lowers her head. She gets up, walks to the kitchen. When she comes back, she has a butcher knife. She drops down to one knee and puts the blade up towards Amanda. As Amanda closes her eyes, preparing for death, Keira puts the blade up to her wrists and cuts the hair, tries to free her. When she stops, the blade has been dulled by the fierceness of the hair. Amanda opens her eyes. AMANDA What are you doing? KEIRA They say that possession is nine tenths of the law well you dont possess an aggressive bone in your body aside from how you just beat up Joel. Were going to figure out whats going on and solve it. Im sorry for everything. She tries sawing through the red locks. KEIRA Jesus Christ your hair is thick.
AMANDA (flirtatiously) Its pretty though isnt it?

They make eyes at each other. FUCK ME EYES THAT IS! They shed clothing and Amanda takes off her pants. As this happens, time slows down, and the
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

86.

lights in the apartment flicker and it goes dark for a second. When we can see again, the room looks exactly like the one from the Joel experience. The same music begins to play and the closer Amanda comes to taking off her underwear, the louder the music gets. And then, just like that, the pants are off. The penis is out. The penis is hard. Keira looks at it, then looks back up at Amanda who wears nothing but a bra and a concerned smile. The slo-mo ends. Keira is left standing there, butt ass nekkid, at a fork in a river, like young baby Moses. And then she onto the bed that theyre could afford runs straight into the river. She pushes her and we cut away as soon as its apparent going to be entering the bone zone. If we it, a Kenny Loggins song would play.

INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - MOVING - NIGHT Sam and Joel sit in Keiras car, not at all privy to the semi-heterosexual encounter that is going on in their absence. They head down the road. Joel, even after the brawl to end them all, doesnt have a scratch on him. SAM So do you just not bruise? JOEL You bruise you lose.
Sam fiddles around with the mirrors. Hes noticeably uncomfortable about being alone in the car with Joel.

SAM We should be at the police station in a couple minutes. Its not too far away. JOEL Ill do the talking on this one, Same. SAM I dont know. I think you should probably just stay in the car. I dont want to be insulting, but I think youve proven that youre not someone that should talk to anyone with power. Where did you get that? Oh, its Joel and his milk again. Hes going to town on a box of that ol white.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

87.

JOEL What makes you say that? SAM I dont know if youre having an off day or what, but youre decision making seems to be at an all-time low. JOEL Thats crazy talking, Same. He throws the milk out the window like he did earlier, but the window is closed, and the box explodes all over the place, soaking them both. INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT Joel sits in the passenger seat from the window of a Police station. From behind the counter, Boyardee emerges. The station is chunked with bullet holes from his shooting session before. OFFICER BOYARDEE Well if it isnt rape fruit. What can I do you for? SAM Is there anyone else I can speak to? OFFICER BOYARDEE Nope, just me. You either talk to ol Officer Jeff Boyardee or you talk to nobody. Officer Boyardee nods, reaches under the desk and takes out paperwork. OFFICER BOYARDEE So you came in to report a crime?
SAM (strained) I have reason to believe that a murder will take place soon.

Now hes really got his attention. The Officer lowers his sunglasses, revealing another pair of sunglasses.

88.

INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - SAME Joel watches the interaction from the car. He grabs his car seat with a real fury. He watches Sam from the windshield as he explains to Officer Boyardee what is going on. Unable to hear through the many panes of glass, Joel sees Sam act out their many exploits. INT. POLICE STATION - NIGHT Officer Boyardee finishes taking his copious notes, looks up from his paperwork. OFFICER BOYARDEE So I only have one question. Why does he drink so much milk? SAM Thats really what you took from all that? OFFICER BOYARDEE I mean that much milk isnt good for you. You might get sick. Backed up at the very least. Sam stares at him blankly. OFFICER BOYARDEE Im going to be honest with you rape fruit, I didnt listen to a single thing you said. You mentioned time machine and I blacked out because time travel is boring and overplayed. SAM What were you writing this whole time then? Officer Boyardee shows him the papers. Its an amazingly well done rendition of Sam and Joel as if in a Norman Rockwell painting. Sam stares at it, angry at first, then softens. SAM You might want to think about falling back on this if being a cop doesnt work out.

89.

INT/EXT. KEIRAS CAR - NIGHT Sam heads back to Keiras car, and fresh out the kitchen, puts the keys in the ignition. SAM Looks like were on our own. JOEL Good. I dont want no stinkin police cops eating all our government cheddar. Now lets get to Heathers house!
Sam pulls out of the parking lot and gets on the main road.

SAM Actually, Im going to drop you off with Keira. I think it might be better if I do this alone. But Same-JOEL

SAM No buts, Joel. You said that this thing always ends up with all of us dead, well, then Im gonna go alone. It cant hurt to change it up. The fewer of us that go the better. (and then) I dont want to sound like a jabroni, but I dont know if I can trust you to keep your cool. JOEL Same, we gotta stick to the plan! If we dart from it, were dead guys. SAM There is no plan, Joel. For someone whos done this shit time and time again, you have no idea what youre doing. I might not be an elevator operator that made a time machine, but Im sure I could do better than you. Im going to take you to Keira, shell make you some non-milk based food, and well get on with everything. Ill warn Heather and thatll be that.
(CONTINUED)

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90.

Joel slumps down in his seat like a mad little boy on his way to the dentist. He keeps his head down. Sam keeps driving. Joel becomes more and more an uppity child.

A beat.
Joel lunges in the seat and struggles with Sam, tries to reach into his pocket to grab the address. As they fight, the car pulses through traffic, narrowly avoiding mishap after mishap. Sam eventually gets his hand under Joels chin and pushes him away, regains control of the car and narrowly avoids getting hit by a truck. The car skids out into a patch of grass and both men lean back in their seats.

SAM You okay? Im Joel! JOEL

Joel answers with a vicious head-butt. Sams limp body leans against the side of the car and his head smashes against the glass. Joel pounces and rifles through Sams pockets, takes out the address, and pushes Sams body out of the car like a Taco Bell soda filled with sand. Inside the car, Joel pumps his fists wildly. He sings his own name in celebration as he drives away from Sams body. On the ground, Sam lifts his head, watches his sisters car drive away. Slowly he gets up. EXT. LONG ISLAND STREETS - NIGHT Shots of Sam running his fat feet all around town, trying to get to Amandas apartment. When he does, its grown dark. He runs in through the front door of the building. INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT- NIGHT Sam runs into the apartment, sweaty and out of breath. SAM Keira, weve got a problem! Where are you? Keira?

(CONTINUED)

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91.

He runs through the beads and into the bedroom to see Keira getting slammed from behind by Amanda. Keira notices her brother staring. Amanda screams.
KEIRA (screams) Sam, what the hell!

INT. AMANDAS APARTMENT- NIGHT Sam sits cross legged on the floor, rubbing his eyes as though theyre burning. Amanda and Keira have just finished putting their clothing back on. SAM Is it safe? Keira pushes him over with her foot. He gets up and opens his eyes. He tries to explain to Keira whats happened, but he gets distracted by looking at Amandas mid-coital erection bulging out through her pants. KEIRA What the fuck, I thought you were done blowing up my spot? He stumbles through everything he says, looks at Rothmans twitching. SAM Its Joel. Joels the one...hes uh...hes...whats, whats this? Whats going on with this? Sam points to Amanda. KEIRA You should know that when you came in this room you became the third wheel, and lost all right to ask questions. Amanda and I are in love after finding great joy in doing sexes to each other. SAM Okay, but...
He points directly at the boner. It moves as though it knows its being watched. Keira looks back at her penis having lover.

KEIRA Our love is very multifaceted. Id appreciate you to not ask questions (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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KEIRA (contd) or judge. Now what were you yapping about? SAM Its about Heather... Amandas eyes grow wide and huge look of terror fills her face. Her boner dies a million deaths. EXT. AMANDAS APARTMENT - NIGHT They all sprint out of the apartment, head to Amandas car. She gets in the drivers seat with Keira sitting next to her. Sam gets in the back. INT/EXT. AMANDAS CAR - MOVING - NIGHT They dont even buckle up, its that serious. Always buckle up! Click it, no ticket! Amanda pulls out of her spot with reckless abandon and speeds down the road. She weaves in and out of traffic all to some really bad ass grooves. From the back window a cop cars sirens appear. SAM Damn it. Weve broken so many laws these two days. Why do we have to be stopped now? The car does have some distance on the cop. AMANDA Should I floor it? SAM No. Just turn this corner, I have an idea. She rounds car rounds of his car He signals the car. the corner and a few seconds later the police it too. Shes pulled over. The officer gets out and its the Top Cop on the Block Jeff Boyardee. for Amanda to roll down the window. Sams not in OFFICER BOYARDEE License and registration, please.
Amanda, petrified, reaches into her bag and passes them both to the officer. With a flashlight he studies them. Theyre of a mans face with a mans name. What is this, he thinks.

93.

EXT. LONG ISLAND STREETS - NIGHT Sams doing a lot of running. More than ever. His giant office building stands tall in the distance. INT/EXT. AMANDAS CAR - MOVING - NIGHT The officer thinks for a second. Should he bash her head in like the filth that she is, or should he hear her out? OFFICER BOYARDEE Keep talking. AMANDA Okay, officer, a man is on the way to a house right now and hes going to hurt someone. Were doing our best to catch up to him before he does something crazy. I know we should have called 911 and not taken the law into our own hands. Im very sorry. The officer backs up, picks his nose. Thinks. EXT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT Sam runs through the empty parking lot, enters through the front door. INT. OFFICE BUILDING - NIGHT He sprints through the lobby as fast as he can, which to be honest, isnt much faster than a piece of sliding pasta. He bursts open a door and runs down stairs, heads to the basement. INT/EXT. AMANDAS CAR - NIGHT The officer gives her a probing look after hearing the story. OFFICER BOYARDEE Did you say Heather Holbrook?
AMANDA (surprised) No, but thats right.

He looks at her for a second and then touches his walky talky.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

94.

OFFICER BOYARDEE Weve got a 10-34, perp in motion. All available officers please report. Please report. The officer clicks off his walky and taps on the front of Amandas car. Boyardee walks back to his car. From her rear view mirror Boyardee gives her the thumbs up to drive again. She signals and pulls out. The cop follows her. KEIRA Holy shit, great work! Amanda pukes all over herself. INT. OFFICE BUILDING - BASEMENT - NIGHT Sam runs through the basement, bursts into Joels room. INT. JOELS ROOM - NIGHT Same as they left it the day earlier. Sam looks around the messy chaos for the Joel Bowl. Some of the components are unplugged in the Joel and he does his best to plug them all in. Without any real idea of what hes doing, he hops on the bike, pedals. Nothing happens at first and his frustration is visible. He battens down his hatches, tries again. This time, the wormhole opens, it works. INT/EXT. JOEL HOLE The Joel Hole is simple: A mere slide projector of the classroom variety. Sam quietly pedals as he looks at the screen. We go into the screen. EXT. VILLAGE - DAY - FLASHBACK
A shabby, Dominican Republic village. Dirt roads, small cruddy houses, barefoot children in the streets. A YOUNG JOEL sits on the steps of a small house reading a book about quantum physics. He cant be older than seven or eight. A group of three street kids come up to him while hes reading. Everyone speaks Spanish. One of the street kids knocks the book to the ground. They all speak Spanish.

YOUNG JOEL Hey, I was putting that in my head! STREET KID 1 Yeah right. Probably putting it in your butt, you faggot.

(CONTINUED)

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95.

Joel picks the book up off the ground and opens it back to his page. He starts reading it again, and the same kid knocks it down again. STREET KID 1 Everybody knows reading is for nerds. STREET KID 2 What are you, some kind of nerd? The kid takes the book from the ground before Joel can get it and starts reading. STREET KID 2 (struggling to read the words) The good-oo-al accumulation of in-formation. (throws the book at Joel) This is bullshit. You cant read that. Yes I can. JOEL

STREET KID 3 Yeah, then whats it about? JOEL Its about particle acceleration. The kids all look at him confused. Get him! KID 1

The kids chase Joel down the street. He runs for his life. EXT. THE HEIGHTS - FLASHBACK YOUNG TEEN JOEL (13) is walking with MAMA SEROT (21, jk, 30) in the Heights. He might be 13, but he looks literally the same as he does now, except his clothing is striped like Pugsly Adams. He looks at the buildings with wonder, not used to anything of that sort of magnitude. The people on the street interest him. They stop in front of Joels apartment building. He and his mother both speak Spanish. MAMA SEROT This is our new home Joel.

(CONTINUED)

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96.

JOEL This place smells like butts. MAMA SEROT Thats the smell of opportunity, Joel. Thats the smell of your new life. Drink some milk. Teenage Joel reaches into his pants and pulls out a Ziploc bag of milk, puts the whole thing in his mouth, and bites down. It explodes like a gross water balloon. We cut through the milk and end up in... INT. ELEVATOR - DAY - FLASHBACK
The noise is quickly disrupted by the sound of an elevator ding. Joel stands in his elevator, older, but younger than he is now. He has on a proud grin. Three businessmen walk into his elevator wearing vintage 1970s clothing.

JOEL Welcome to my elevator. The three guys chuckle. GUY 1 20th floor. Joel pushes down on the elevator lever and the car starts moving up. GUY 2 (to his friends) So how about this Juice guy with the Bills? Hes a monster. GUY 3 Cantons going to be filled with Juice. JOEL Im more a milk man, myself. The three guys laugh awkwardly, dont engage him. GUY 1 Fucking loser. The three men push Joel around the elevator like High School bullies. Joel looks down depressed, used to this. Hes a lonely, lonely boy.

97.

INT. ELEVATOR - DAY - FLASHBACK The elevator clicks onto the first floor and the doors open. Sam is a few years younger, wearing a suit. Hes nervous. He steps into the elevator where Joel is waiting. JOEL What floor? SAM Thirty please. Gras my man. Joel nods and the doors close. He cranks the lever and they rise. Sam looks up at floor indicator. His hands are shaking. JOEL You dont have to worry. Youll do fine. Nerves are for pervs. SAM Thanks, man. (he puts his hand out) Sam Dixon. JOEL My name isnt Sam, its Joel. Dont be so presumptive. The elevator continues up with the two of them not talking. It gets to the thirtieth floor and Sam gets ready to get out. His shaking hand gets worse. JOEL Ill be here when you get back. Take shoe laces in that. Sam hears this, smiles, and leaves slightly more comfortable. The familiar blue light of the Joel opens up and Sam rides through it. EXT. LONG ISLAND STREETS - NIGHT Intercut series of shots between Amanda and Keira, with their police escort, Joel in Keiras car, aware that hes being chased across a great distance.

98.

EXT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT And then Joel arrives. Theres complete silence. He looks out at her house. Behind him, in the very outer dark, we can see the sirens. He gets out of the car and the sirens look like little stars chasing him in the middle distance. Completely undeterred, he walks up the lawn and opens the front door. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY - FLASHBACK At the end of his first day, Sam gets into the elevator. When he steps in he undoes the tie. SAM Motherfucker, how does anyone do this for a living? This is awful. (and then) I pray to fictional God this isnt the rest of my life. JOEL It wont be, Same. SAM Like, its fine for now. I get it. Youve gotta lick some asshole before you can pound it, but theres got to be more than this. JOEL It might just be me, but this gets a lot easier if you have something to twerk for. SAM Yeah? Like a family or some shit? JOEL Could be. But it could be anything. Its no ones job to tell you what is important to you but you. Whatever you love is what you can work for. INT. HEATHERS HOME - NIGHT Joel walks into the home, immediately sees the kitchen. Almost in a trance, he takes a large butchers knife out from a drawer. He leaves the kitchen and heads to the hallway. From there he noisily clomps up the stairs.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

99.

SAM (V.O) I guess I dont know what I love though. Nothing really comes to mind. JOEL (V.O) Theres got to be one thing, Same. Everyone has one thing. SAM (V.O) I guess I really like pornog. I kind of like my family. I like my car. JOEL (V.O) Then have that be what you work for. Your car. SAM (V.O) My car kind of sucks dude. Working for that isnt really gonna make things any easier. JOEL(V.O) Itll help, believe me. I come here every day and I smile and I do my job and sometimes I dont like it and it makes me angry, but I try to do whats right because I do it for what I love. SAM (V.O) And what do you love? On the second floor, Joel walks through the hallway, going passed framed pictures of Heather from her prime. The hallway looks like heaven and at the end of it is a closed door, with yellow light shining underneath it. INT. HEATHERS ROOM - NIGHT
Joels right outside the door. Slowly, he creeps the door open and goes into the room. Theres a large arm chair in front of a television. We cant see beyond its large back.

Joel, now completely entranced in his madness, walks towards the chair with his knife at the ready. Right behind the chair, he raises it above his head, prepared to go stabby all over the place. He brings it down and connects with nothing but cushion. Sam stands the corner of the room, hidden.

100.

EXT. SAMS HOUSE- FLASH BACK - YESTERDAY When the blue light opens during his most recent Joeling, Sam is spit out in front of his house. Its the early morning. Sam slows the bike to a halt and looks at the abandoned, sleepy neighborhood. He looks at his house and sees himself in the window, looking in the other direction. He then sees his car sitting there parked. He takes out his car key, opens the front door, and drives off. As soon as he does, his other self sees what he figures is a carjacking and starts having his hissy fit. This kicks off a montage of Sam interacting with things previously seen in the movie. When Boyardee speaks with him on the phone, hes the one dumping out on his car. When Sunnys being yelled at, its discovered to be Sam calling him from the parking lot. When Amanda runs into the car, it is revealed to be Sams car. While driving, Sams car is the one hit with Joels milk carton. When Gus is in the bathroom, Sam is getting ridden by the disgusting stripper. At night, Sam pees on Joel as he sleeps in a type of strange vindication. He takes weird, maudlin enjoyment in seeing his friend sleep. Sam is revealed to be in the same theater and Amanda and Keira. He enjoys watching his sisters budding romance with a gross he-she. He looks over his day with fondness.
Then he drive and drives and drives, parks in front of Heathers home with very little remains of the day.

INT. HEATHER HOME - PRESENT - NIGHT Sam runs over to Joel and tackles him to the ground. But Joel is too strong and Sam bounces off of him. JOEL Where is she, Same? SAM I cant tell you. Joel swings wildly at Sam, and more out of dumb luck than skill, Sam dodges it like some sort of drunken asshole. Joel pushes Sam and he goes flying near the chair. He sees the knife sticking out of it and before he knows it, Joel is taking a run at him. Before Joel can connect, he pulls the knife out of the couch, and plants it in Joels chest. Joel drops to the ground. Time stands still. The sound fades.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

101.

From the window outside we can see the police cars arrive. With the knife in his belly, Joel musters up his final words. Sam, shocked, wells with tears. JOEL Thank you Same. Thank you for doing this. You can drive your car and eat all the pizza bages you want now. SAM I dont want any pizza bages, Joel. I dont care about the car! Fuck the car! JOEL Thats impossible, youre always hungry. SAM Shut up. Stop talking. Well get an ambulance for you. Save your stinky breath. Joel looks at a picture that Heather has of herself. JOEL Is she safe, Same? Is she safe? Thats all I want to know. SAM She is. Shes fine. JOEL Good. I knew you could do it. You were the only one who could do it. Now I can die in pizza. SAM Youre not gonna die. Who says youre gonna die? Its just a knife in your chest, it aint no big thing. Sam sees that, yes, Joel really is going to die. The tears start coming. SAM You cant die Joel. You cant. Whos going to take me up to the office? Whos going to bring me down to lunch and etc.?

(CONTINUED)

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102.

JOEL You can do it yourself, Same. There are other elevators, ones where you can push your own buttons. Theyre much faster. Im surprised you didnt take those before. SAM Dont be a fucking idiot! I didnt take those because you werent in them, man. I didnt mind going a little slower when you were around. JOEL Thats not true. SAM I didnt want to go to that fucking place in the first place, not without you, I would have quit after the first day. Joel, you told me to work for something I loved, and all this time I thought it was my car, thats why I thought I was doing all of this. But it was for you. Because you needed my help and because you were the only person I ever wanted to help... because I love you man. Joel looks at Sam, he wells up too. SAM You were the tightest pussy I ever had. You were so tight my dick could barely breathe. You were my friend, my homosexual, weird, Latin friend. JOEL For the last time Same, Im not a gay. He coughs up blood. JOEL Same, whats Hebbin like? Sam puts on a brave face. SAM Hebbin is great. There are milk fountains and milk sandwiches, and (MORE) (CONTINUED)

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103.
SAM (contd) everyone wears their finest Hawaiians and no one gets mad at you for pooping in their car. They even kind of like it.

JOEL That sounds nice. SAM It is nice. Joel smiles. JOEL Goodbye, Same. (and then, fading) Fuck, Im dead... He dies. A small squad of Police come rushing up the stairs as Sam looks at his dead tight pussy. INT. SAMS BUILDING - ELEVATOR - DAY The elevator rises in silence. INT. SAMS OFFICE - DAY
Sam enters his office. Its the first time hes been back. He walks over to his desk and sits down. He takes inventory of it. Its left exactly like it was when he peaced out.

He logs onto his computer and sees the background of Heather. He immediately cringes and changes it to a default background. Hollow, he goes about his work. From behind him, Sydney comes. SYDNEY Whoa ho ho, what happened to you? You look like a floor thats completely covered in fabric. Sam stares. SYDNEY Very rugly. Sam turns in his chair and types. He opens up his email. Sam sees that he only has one missed email in his inbox, in addition to a ton of promotional coupons to fast food restaurants. He opens it. It reads: Dont worry Same, you can do it. Love, A Joel.
(CONTINUED)

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104.

He smiles, then calmly turns off his monitor, pushes in his seat, picks up his keyboard...

SYDNEY Where you going, Dixon? ...and he smashes Sydney in the face with it. He flips the keyboard like a home run bat. On his way out he gives the middle finger to everyone in the office. INT. ELEVATOR - DAY Sam proudly walks out of the lobby and into the elevator bank. He clicks the button. Like clockwork, the elevator door opens and Sam gets inside. His hands are shaking from excitement. Hes free. Inside the elevator is the same blond woman from before and Sam doesnt take notice of her. Hes too psyched. Hes intense. As the doors close the pretty blond woman coyly looks over in Sams direction. Fade Out: THE END