Oak Podiums, Seinfeld DVD Cases, and Presidential Suits

When you take the word "no," and you add the word "offense" to it, they combine to form one of the most ridiculous expressions ever uttered by a human being. Because people use that expression like it gives them a license to insult. They tell someone, "OK. Before I get started, I'm gonna use the two magic words that give me diplomatic offense immunity, including full asshole privileges. Yeah. Just pretend I'm grabbing a Super Mario Brothers bouncing star that lets me run around and say whatever I want for a minute. So here we go. No offense, but the noise you make when you chew food is so annoying, that I'd rather listen to a transsexual walrus with a cold make a car alarm sound while I massage his lips with a tub of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. And no offense, but even when you're not chewing, you still annoy me with a lot of the other things you do--especially the way you exist on earth and breathe air. And no offense, but even though I'm a shopaholic and a gamblaholic, my urge to buy stuff and roll dice isn't as strong as my urge to punch you repeatedly in the face. So here's a three-part summary of what's going on here. One, you're a piece of shit. Two, I'm telling you that you're a piece of shit. And three, you're not offended, you piece of shit. Also, I'm gonna inoffensively mention how I have a full tank of gas, directions to a river, and a really good alibi. And tomorrow, while I'm loading your dead body into my trunk, I'm gonna inoffensively take a piss all over your face. OK? I'm glad we had this talk. And I'm glad you're not offended, President Obama." "No offense" is just a poorly disguised slap in the face. And for some people, that's not enough. So instead of saying "no offense," they use an even more offensive expression: with all due respect. "With all due respect, I think that everything you've ever thought, said, or done has been dumb, dumb, and dumber. There you go, Speaker Boehner. I just gave you all the respect that you're due. That was all of it. The maximum level. You just better hope I never give you partial due respect

instead of all due respect. Because with half due respect, I'm gonna use your face as a punching bag, and your body as a urinal." I'm a very tactful person, and I tell people everything in a genuinely inoffensive, respectful manner. So when my friend Tony asked me what I thought of his new girlfriend Gina, I didn't say, "No offense--but you two don't seem like soul mates, or even oil and vinegar mates. When I see the two of you together, it's more like she's hurricane Gina, and your life is an Oklahoman trailer park." Instead of saying that, I told him, "Well--you seem to like her. And that's what's important." [Him:] "What are you saying? You don't like her?" [Me:] "No--she's great. I noticed a lot of great things about her. I mean, she has a really nice smile that distracts you a little from her vomit-inducing attitude." [Him:] "What do you mean vomit-inducing attitude?" [Me:] "No-you're confused. I'm a tactful person. I'm focusing on the positives. Like her nice smile. And her high energy level. It seems like she really takes all of her vitamins, drinks all of her coffee, and snorts all of her cocaine. And everyone else's cocaine. Plus, she's also really good at spending money. Especially the money that's on your soon-to-be-maxed-out credit card. She spends that money like you're a $400 an hour doctor--which is fantastic, considering how you're a $10 an hour ditch digger. If you stick with her and keep on accumulating those negative $390s, it's only a matter of time before you become President of Disneyland. If you're looking for a cocaine-fueled shopping addict with a charming smile and an attitude that'll make you physical ill, then she's the right woman for you. Shall I call up the church and arrange your wedding?" How come sometimes you just expect people to change? You think, "I've known John for 15 years. He's always been John. In fact, he's become more John-ish every year. But I'm pretty sure that tomorrow, that rend is gonna reverse 100 million percent." And then the next day you talk to John, and you think, "Why is John being John? How come he hasn't magically transformed into the exact person I want him to be? Didn't he get the 300 mental memos I sent him? I'm pretty sure he'll get them se memos tomorrow, and then stop being so John-ish." It's like you have a daily "John's gonna change" ritual where you plant a bunch of anti-John seeds--but then the next day, there's more John. Some people always think they're on the verge of changing someone. "OK. I've nagged my husband for 10,325 hours, and it's never made any difference at all.

That means if I nag him for one more hour right now, he'll transform into the exact person I want him to be. Yeah. That's how it works. According to the teachings of Zen Buddhism, when you give your husband the 10,326th hour of complaint meditation, that's when he experiences sudden husband enlightenment. He stops overeating, he stops forgetting your birthday, and he goes from aa slob who pees in the shower to a metrosexual who showers after peeing." Yeah. That's not a good technique for influencing people. It's crappy. It's Zen Bullshitism. But there are some techniques that work really well. Let me ask you this. How come when people are together, they usually seem so similar, even when you know damn well that they're not? Because they create the illusion that they're similar, so they can get along with each other. Have you ever noticed that when you tell someone that you have something in common with him, he'll listen with an open mind to anything else you talk about? The opportunity to implant ideas opens up. It's like you have an idea ticket in hand, and his brain's conductor is saying, "All aboard." So here's a good technique for influencing someone. You start by establishing what you have in common, and then you smuggle in some other, completely unrelated thing. Like if someone loves Seinfeld, you can just tell him, "Seinfeld is amazing. I love it, too. I watch it while I'm high. I have the yada yada yada episode in my DVD player, and eight lines of cocaine in that drawer. I'll press play, and we'll each do four lines." Even if that guy is the President of DARE, he'll watch the episode, do the four lines, and buy a kilo of coke from you over the next year. You just snuck $100,000 worth of drugs into a Seinfeld DVD case. That's much better than hiding drugs up your ass. If you want to manipulate people, you have to start by agreeing with them about something. So if someone says, "Obama's a Muslim," just tell him, "Absolutely. Barack Hussein Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist on a mission to turn the US into West Mecca. Richard Nixon's daughter found a copy of the Qur'an in the Oval Office--and each page has a note next to it that says, 'I'm Barack Hussein Obama--and I approve this message. Death to America.'" And if you want to manipulate me, then when I say, "I'm funnier than Jerry Seinfeld," just tell me, "Seriously, bro. Jerry Hussein Seinfeld is nothing compared to you." People agree with you in order to manipulate you. Be suspicious. If you mention that you love Seinfeld, and someone responds, "Oh--I love Seinfeld,

too," just tell him, "Great! Now get out of my house and take your cocaine with you, you son of a bitch!" And if he tells you, "Uh, this is my house," that means you're high on PCP. Ppeople are swayed a lot by what they like and what they hate. Especially what they hate. You can see evidence of that at any high school. [High School Girl:] "Oh--you hate Jennifer Smith? How much do you hate her?" [High School Girl 2:] "A lot." [High School Girl:] "I hate her, too. A lot." [High School Girl 2:] "And do you think she's a dumb bitch?" [High School Girl:] "Oh--completely. I even crossed out the words Jennifer and Smith in our yearbook, and replaced them with the words dumb and bitch. That's how much I hate that dumb bitch." [High School Girl 2:] "That's how much I hate that dumb bitch, too." [High School Girl:] "OK. That settles it. We're now Best Friends Forever. After all, Jennifer Smith is a dumb bitch, and we both agree on how of a dumb of a bitch she is." Yeah. It's a good thing that Jennifer Smith is such a dumb bitch. Otherwise, very few high school girls would even bother becoming friends. Jennifer Smith doesn't know it, but she's brought more people together than Facebook. Have you heard about Dale Carnegie, Jr.'s manual for Mexicans who want to enter the US illegally? It tells them. "Just imagine someone guarding the borders, looking in his binoculars, and spotting you walking towards Arizona wearing one of those T-shirts that say Everything I need to know about Muslims, I learned on 9/11. Instead of trying to stop you, he'll think, 'Wait a second. This Mexican guy hates Muslims. That makes him a good American-just like me. I'm gonna invite him over to my casa to watch Larry the Cable Guy and George Lopez." If South Koreans wants to manipulate their hated enemies the North Koreans, they should call up North Korea's supreme leader. [Kim Jong-un:] "Hello?" [The President of South Korea:] "Uh--is this Kim Jong-un?" [Kim Jong-un:] "Yes. Kim Jong-un." [SK:] "Uh--hello. This is the President of South Korea." [Kim Jong-un:] "Oh. What do you want?" [SK:] "I was just wondering. Are you guys... Korean?" [Kim Jong-un:] "Yes. We're Korean." [SK:] "Oh. We're Korean, too. Uh, do you guys like Seinfeld?" [Kim Jong-un:] "No. We hate Seinfeld!" [SK:] "Yeah--we hate it, too. Seinfeld is stupid. Maybe you can come over to my house one day, and we can be Korean and not watch Seinfeld together." [Kim Jong-un:] "Yes. We'll watch Full House" [SK:] "Yes. You got it, dude." [Kim Jong-un:] "You got it dude! I love that! [SK:] "Do

you love suicide, too?" [Kim Jong-un:] "Not really." [SK:] "But suicide is good. Don't forget: we're both Koreans who hate Seinfeld, love Full House, and love putting a gun in our mouth and pulling the trigger." Then later during Sough Korea's State of the Union Address, the President will say, "Unemployment is down. Wages are up. Oh. And I just called up Kim Jong-un--and yada yada yada, he shot himself in the head." If the police ever ask you, "Where were you on the night of the crime?" just tell them, "At home, eating donuts, watching Cops. I love it when they slam cocaine dealers to the ground. Those cops deserve an Emmy." [Police:] "Alright. You're free to go now--but before you leave, we're gonna give you a parting gift of 12 jelly donuts." Also keep in mind that we tend to be influenced a lot by what we're currently seeing, hearing, or doing, or what we just saw, heard, or did. For instance, in pretend criminal trials where judges were told to roll dice before sentencing shoplifters, the judges who rolled higher numbers ended up giving much more jail time. So if you're ever on trial for something, just wear a t-shirt with dice showing ones. Even if the jury finds you guilty, it'll hardly matter. "For the crime of first degree murder, you are hereby sentenced to 10 days at the fabulous Mana Lao Minimum Security Prison and Resort in Honolulu, Hawaii, where you'll be spending time with your cellmate Vanna White. This punishment has a retail value of $8,125." Have you ever wondered why when you go to a store and see something for $50, right next to it there's something much better for $60? Why does the store even bother putting the first item on the shelf? Because the second one looks like a great deal to you when you're comparing it to a $50 piece of shit. And have you ever wondered why right after a President is elected, his Vice President suddenly begins acting like he just broke out of a mental institute? It's so people will think, "President Obama is amazing compared to that nutcase Biden. Any time Joe Biden says or does anything, I realize how much I approve of Obama. Obama is the greatest President ever--because Biden is the biggest schmuck ever." If the economy gets really bad, don't be surprised if you turn on the TV, and see Vice President Biden wearing diapers and slapping himself in the face. It's the comparisons approach. You manipulate people by indirectly telling them, "A is much better than B. That means A is really good." If you want to

openly cheat on your wife, just tell her, "Honey--sometimes I don't appreciate how perfect you are. You're a diamond, and other women are just glass. But the thing is, I can't see the worth of a diamond unless I compare it to my glassy mistresses, and some glassy drunk college girls." And go up to any woman and say, "I have an orange Geo Metro parked on a piss puddle in that alley. How about you hop into the trunk, and I hum a few Kenny G songs while I drive you to my cardboard box? ... No? OK. I also have a Honda Civic parked on that street. How about you get into the front seat, and I drive you to a Motel 6?" And what about those ads that say, "Our cell phone is the best one in the world. It has all 5 of these things--but no other phone has more than 2 of them." Then you see what those things are. "A large on/off button, a mute button, Ecuadorian steel, a nail file, and two scoops of raisins." If you want to date Angelina Jolie, just tell her, "I shower twice a day, I can juggle 3 balls, I don't have AIDS, I have pi memorized to 8 places, and I drive a Honda Civic. Brad Pitt is only 2 of those things. Why would you settle for two-fifths of me? Plus, I didn't star in some idiotic movie by the name of Cool World. Brad Pitt did. That's enough to completely disqualify him." Even when an ad mentions things that really are important, it still might try to pull a fast one on you. Ads don't make valid comparisons like, "Our chips have 4 grams of fat. These other brands have 1, 2, 6, and 8 grams." Instead they say, "Are our chips low in fat? Yes--unlike two of these other four brands." You can also use that to win over Angelina Jolie. Let's say you're a one-time sex offender. Just say to Angelina, "Am I low in sex offenses? Yes. Now get into my Honda Civic." Here's another good way to influence others: focus in on a little thing, make it seem like a big thing, and associate it with something else. "President Smith introduced his bullshit economic polices last month. And since then, Home Depot's cow manure sales are up 15%! President Smith is good for the economy. After all, 15%!" You can do that at work. Tell your boss, "I take four smoking breaks an hour, and our office water cooler is working perfectly. I'm a great employee, and I should take smoking breaks all day. After all, water." You can also repeat things, and use imagery and concrete examples. Presidential candidates do that a lot. "My opponent has been governor of Iowa for two years. And this magnificent oak podium was built by a carpenter who's been unemployed in Iowa for two years. I'm talking about a carpenter by the

name of Albert Johnson. I had dinner last week at his soon-to-be-foreclosed home Des Moines. We ate meat loaf and corn for dinner, with a glass of whole milk. I took three gulps of my beverage, and asked Albert's son Billy, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' And Billy told me, 'Two years ago, I wanted to be a carpenter like my dad. But now, I want to sell PCP.' Then Billy continued eating his meatloaf and corn, and drinking his whole milk, in Des Moines, two years after my opponent became governor and started putting Iowans like Billy's father out of work. Billy wants to sell PCP. And I'll bet my opponent wants to buy some of that PCP. That's his idea of creating jobs. Nowadays, Iowans can hardly even find work, unless they want to be a drug dealer, pimp, or prostitute. But if you're a meatloaf and corn eating, milk drinking, podium building carpenter named Albert Johnson with a son named Billy, my opponent will take away your job and piss all over your toilet seat. Only someone high on Billy's PCP would do something like that. As for me, I get high on corn, meatloaf, whole milk, and creating jobs. This sturdy, handmade, beautiful podium is talking to me and you. And it's telling us that my opponent is the biggest son of a bitch in human history. A vote for him is a vote to keep Albert Johnson unemployed, and a vote for Billy to sell drugs to 123,000 Iowan prostitutes. Also, I like babies, the Constitution, and apple pie." Thanks to Albert Johnson's podium, that politician won the election. He didn't win reelection, though. Because during the debate, at one point he replied to his opponent, "Oh--I get it. So that's why we need to raise taxes. You know, I gotta admit--that's a pretty good reason. It's way better than all of the low tax arguments I've made over the last 27 years. Low taxes my ass! I'm with you now, Senator Hernandez. Su budget es mi budget. Actually, I'm more with you than you're with yourself. You want to tax the wealthy 80%? The hell with that. Iwant to tax them 100%. I won't be satisfied until we change the name of New York City to Obamagrad, and I see Donald Trump and P. Diddy waiting for six hours in a Fifth Avenue bread line. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go change my Facebook status to 'High Taxes,' and trade in my blue F-150 for a pink Prius." That's not how to win elections. Instead of saying all of that "you're right, I was wrong" stuff, you should just keep telling people, "I have two core beliefs in life. One: High taxes will result in a trickledown effect that'll give 270 million Americans rectal cancer. And two: Senator Hernandez was sent here by Satan

and Karl Marx to destroy America and karate chop your pet schnauzer in the throat. If you care about your rectum and your dog, don't vote for my opponent. Also, I like babies, the Constitution, and apple pie." How come elections revolve around debates and campaign ads where two candidate just go back and forth taking shots at each other? "Look at your state's economic numbers, Governor. It's like there's a giant cloud that rains unemployment everywhere you go." "Look at your empty Cheeto bags, Senator. There's a giant cloud of marijuana smoke everywhere you go, you freaking hippie." "Remember that time you were caught on camera staring at a 17 year old girl's butt, and you actually drooled onto your shoes?" "Remember the time you were caught staring at a 17 year old boy's butt outside of a Turkish bathhouse?" "Well, remember the time you were born in Kenya? You might not remember that--but your grandmother remembers it very accurately. By the way--she's Muslim." "Remember the time you made your state spend $100 million on a bridge that's shaped like a U? Thanks to that bridge, now people have a convenient way to drive from one side of Lake Maya to the exact same side of Lake Maya." "Remember the time you called Pablo Neruda 'Mexican,' even though he's Chilean? You freakin' idiot." "Remember the time you called Nelson Mandela 'African-American,' even though he's not American? You damn moron." "You know how I know you're unqualified to be President? You've never had a job before in your life, aside from politician. The country needs a Swiss Army Knife, and you're more like a dirty Icelandic toothpick." "You know how I know you're unqualified to be President? You've supersized your fries 83% of the time this year, you fat son of a bitch." "You know how I know you're unqualified to be President? You're a poo poo head." "You know how I know you're unqualified to be President? Fuck you. That's how I know, asshole." Presidential candidates also have to dress presidentially. Your clothes have to constantly tell everyone, "People--I'm wool, I'm dry cleaned, I'm expensive, and I'm Ivy League educated. I know exactly what I'm doing, and I should run this country." You'll lose 50 million votes if you show up to so much as one Presidential debate wearing Speedos and a cummerbund. That look might work in Russia. But not in America. In Russia, if the President walks around without a shirt, people are like, "Great. Let's vote for him again." But in America, if the President has lint on his $45,000 suit, we say, "This guy's out of control, he's a communist, he's Kenyan, he's a Muslim. Get him and his linty

suit out of the Oval Office." In the US, only an expensive lint-free suit can give a politician credibility. [President:] "Unemployment is up to 9%. But let me just remind you that I'm wearing a coat, tie, slacks, and dress shoes. Also, there's no lint on my coat, and no clowns on my tie. I've been dressed like this for least a few hours every day for the last 20 years. This is as good as it gets suitwise. Presidentwise, I'm pretty good, too." It doesn't matter who you are and how good you make the economy--if you don't wear suits, the public won't be on your side. Which ticket would you vote for: Barack Obama-Joe BidenFruit of the Loom, or Gary Busey-Miley Cyrus-Armani? According to a poll I just made up, 95% of people would vote for Gary Busey and his Armani suit. How about Obama in a yellow suit, or a drunk pelican in a black suit? "Tough decision. How drunk is the pelican--and does it want high taxes or low taxes?" I'd love to see a Presidential debate between Gary Busey in a black Armani suit, a drunk pelican in a yellow suit, and Obama in Speedos. Obama will say, "We need to make sure we don't default on our loans." And everyone will be like, "What the hell is this lunatic talking about? The hell with him and his knobby knees." Then the pelican will say, "Clack clak, chirp, chirp." And people will think, "That sounds like a pretty good idea." And then Gary Busey will say, "We need to create a breed of homosexual dolphins with red hair." And everyone will be like, "That's a plan right there. Obama--pay attention and take some notes, you Speedos wearing son of a bitch."