Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

The VoiceBack On Top

Promising Study Shows Readership More than Doubles

The Student Newspaper of SHYKR

Mute

By Fats Shamsian

fascinating new study by the Kushner Voice Statistics Department has engendered great excitment among the editors of the newspaper. A census of the school population was taken and each student/faculty member was asked if they truly read the Kushner Voice. The results were shocking; nearly two percent of Kushner reads the newspaper. When news of the statistic reached the editors, there were mixed reactions. Editor-in-Chief, Jonathan Pedoeem 15, said, I had a dream. A dream that one day, three percent of the students will read the newspaper. Three percent is difficult to achieve, but we shall overcome. Assistant Editor-In-Chief, David Esterlit 14, and Senior Editor Dalya Dickstein 15 gave a simple reason for the surprising statistic: Its the freshmens fault. Senior Editor Eytan Shamsian 15 gave a different response. Why would anyone want to read this newspaper in the first place? he said. If any student is able to read the whole newspaper front to back, he or she deserves a cookie.

Some of the staff of The Kushner Voice were surprised that people are actually supposed to read the newspaper. A bewildered Sam Raab 17 said, Wait, hold on a second. I thought the only point of being on newspaper is to improve your college resume. I had no clue the newspaper was even intended for people to read. Humor editor Alex Akman 14 was ecstatic with two percent. Wow two percent! I thought we would be lucky if one student in the entire Kushner reads The Voice. Freshman Ilana Hafner was clearly shocked. I knew I was writing news articles for something called The Kushner Voice, but I had no clue our school even had a newspaper. Kushners administration was extremely pleased by the numbers of the survey. Principal Rabbi Rubin was bursting with joy. I have been waiting my whole life for a time when I can boast that a two percent of our school reads the school newspaper. This is truly one of the greatest, most impressive, astounding, commendable, and fantastic highlights of my career. Rabbi Hirschey was equally excited. Great, he said.

Inside
More Art, Longer School Day, Please
Review of the Megillah The Gym is Freezing

page 2x36=24

The

(Note: We were unable to record Mr. Neuhof or Mrs. Neuroters reactions because when we ran to tell them the breaking news, they kicked us out of their office for failing to knock before entering and answer the mandatory question.)

When the news entered the student body, students were not as astonished as the editors and teachers. However, they wondered who were the two percent of the

school who had the guts to read our schools newspaper. A search began for the nearly five readers who exhibited extreme love and devotion to our school. Student Council President Orah Schlanger 15, leading the search, said: It is our duty to find these special people and give them some sort of reward for their inspiring excellence. After days of investigating, the 4.7 readers were located; they were all custodians. One of the custodians, Mosihe, gave his explanation into why he read the newspaper. I mean I really had no choice. All the students just throw them on the floor and we are forced to pick them up. Sometimes I just get a tad tempted to read this Kushner Voice. After an agonizing fight between my brain and my body about whether or not I should read the newspaper, my brain gave in and I read it front to back. All the custodians were presented with medals of honor for their bravery.

336 page 84

page

Olds
The Voice Staff
Jonathan Pedoeem, Chief Grand Cherokee David Esterlit, Assistant Chief Grand Cherokee Dalya Dickstein, Senior Editor Eytan Shamsian, Senior Editor News Jacob Stein Dalya Dickstein Jordan Shanskhalil Jakey Ostrove Ilan Slonim Sam Raab Ilana Hafner Carlie Ratzker Ashley Miller Sam Shersher Opinion Shep Gerszberg Estee Wagner Ariella Shua Natani Bondar Jacob Mendelson Elisheva Felderman Reviews Eitan Scher, Editor Joey Kirsch Gabe Zuckerman Yonatan Raskin Sports Jerry Miller, Editor Josh Perlman, Editor Joe Berger Effie Auman Gabe Maron Jonah Bash Greg Artman Josh Degan

Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

Humor Alex Akman, Editor Miki Kestler Joe Amster Jesse Zucker Caryn Kaplan Sara Kirsch

From the Editors Desk

phemous. I mean, if no one read The Voice then who would catch all our typos? Jonathan Pedoeem Editor-in-Chief

Purim is not complete with out The Voice special edition Purim issue. This year is no exception. This issue is filled with satirical articles which are written to brighten up your day. All these articles are satire, which means they are completly true, so please do not go around telling people that only one person reads The Voice, because that is just blas-

Photography Zach Caplan Lindsey Blenden Avery Bell Estee Wagner Sydney Stroulowitz Ron Sroor

Layout Jacob Stein, Editor Sammy herna Ben Wagner Koby Stadtmauer

Statistics Shaul Hafner Avery Bell Greg Artman

Rabbi Pearlberg, Advisor

Kushner Students Feel Art Class is More Important Than Free Time
By Sam Raab The earth without art is just eh. Art has been a huge part of culture dating back to the first humans on the planet. Art is the marrow of the food we eat, said Dalya Dickstein 15. Now students at RKYHS are demanding that art class should be a set period every day at school, instead of just being once a week for half the year. In fact, in a Voice statistics department poll of the percentage of students who wanted art to be a part of daily curriculum, they found that 100% of the students were in favor. There is no margin of error. However, there is one problem, where will the school fit an extra period every day for art? Students responded that they would rather stay an extra 40 minutes every day at school, than not have art. Why go on living if I can not have a little Picasso in my Corn Pops, Shaz 15 said. But the question remains: Why do students want art so much? A freshman girl who wishes to remain anonymous gave an insight to this question. Well I think, like, art is really good for the environment, and like, it can help the homeless in the future. Rabbi Rubin had his own reason for why art is so important. Art is an essential fundamental, indispensable, and imperative skill for every kid in high school to have. It gives kids an aesthetic sense of nature and a certain sense of creativity, inspiration, and ingenuity. Besides everyone likes their lunch
to be colorful. Other students gave answers such as Art awakens the art in my soul, Art is my only inspiration to get out of bed in the morning, besides the fact I have to go to the bathroom, and more simply: Art is good. However, to find the true meaning of art, one must look to the artiest artists of the world. Art washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life, said Picasso, meaning that by drawing or painting you can save yourself a shower. David Esterlit 14 put it bluntly, When colleges look at your resemue you do not want it to be plain letters on a paper, you want it to sing rainbows! Besides, he added, everyone knows art makes you smell nice. But, what are the detriments of this art class? Is there anything bad about taking away the free time a child will have by getting home extra late? Should the extra period be used for something that might be more beneficial educationally for the students, like SEED? Quite simply, the answer to all of these questions; Art is statistically proven to improve students grades in art class and is the best thing that will help a student prosper in the future.

School to Extend Day for Art Class

Review of The Kushner Voice I Dont Want to Hear It!

are producing goes down. The newly instituted Re The school paper is views section is a great something Kushner is very example of this. Each proud of. Other than occa- book review seems like sional censorship by some it was copied and pasted of the uh higher ups, the from the previous one, paper is run almost enwith only the characters tirely by students. Still, the highlighted in the review quality of The Voice shines changing from one book through and through. I to another as they all get mean it has to right? Con- 8/10s. Much the same can sidering the school IS half be said about the show and the size of other yeshiva movie reviews; and heaven high schools, it must make forbid any reviewer actuup for it somehow. Well, ally give a low score in thats where things get their reviews. With the interesting. horrendous best of lists, Starting this year it is clear that this section The Voice has gone from is the weakest link in The a quarterly paper to a Voices repertoire. monthly paper, so now all The other parts of the articles you will be the paper are not free from reading are slightly less criticism either. The ever irrelevant than they were insightful charts and statisbefore. Still, the monthly tics really could not be any format is a great change as more helpful, especially now there are even more when the margin for error unread newspapers left is larger than the amount around the hall and the of people who are conveBeis, really adding some niently tardy for davening much needed spice to the in the morning. A personal building. favorite of mine is the One of the unforclassic edgy article in tunate outcomes of being each issue. These are the forced to produce more articles that writers use to content is often the continued on page 4 quality of content you
By Eitan Scher

Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

The Great Kushner Ice Age

By Ilana Hafner & Ashley Miller Over the course of the year, Rae Kushner Yeshiva High School has had some slight problems. One of the biggest problems has been the heat issue, which seems to never be fixed. Because of this recurring issue, Kushner has faced some peculiar consequences. Students have started spontaneously freezing in the middle of class. The school as a whole has reacted quite nonchalantly about this issue, as they have become accustomed to this. How is this problem solved on a daily basis one may ask? Why, students simply pour buckets of warm water over themselves through out the day. As we interviewed students and faculty across the school about this unusual dilemma, we found multiple opinions on how this has affect-

Olds
Classic...

ed the student body. When we asked Ms. Krupka for her opinion, she said, Pouring buckets of hot water is just about the only solution we have at this point. Fixing the heat is just not an option for the school right now. While Ms. Krupka seem to be rather calm

about the situation Rabbi Hirschey did not seem to be much of a happy camper, as he said, There is a direct correlation between cold weather and davening attendance. When it is cold students can not sleep during davening. As a result, they leave. When

we asked the students what advice they have for solving this dilemma we gathered some great opinions. Alec Getraer 14 stated, We might as well take a one way flight to Alaska. Its most definitely warmer there. As well, Rachel Mendelson 17 said, I think we should continue our bucket system here at Kushner, although perhaps we can purchase larger buckets or form a bucket brigade. That way we dont have to run back and forth from the bathrooms to the classrooms carrying water. Overall, we have yet to find a better solution to this problem but the school will be considering any of the students advice. We shall pray for a quick recovery for both the students who have frozen and for the schools heating system.

Locker Room Moves to EWR Terminal C

Boys Locker Room Deemed Unsafe by School Administration
By Jonathan Pedoeem March 16th, 2014- A committee of school administrators, led by Mr. Plotsker, closed down the boys locker room for good. In the press statement Mr. Plotsker points to the random holes, and the occasional hockey stick in the wall as reasons for the decision. The committee also said that the sporadic blackouts in the locker room was a factor in this decision. Rabbi Rubin released a comment: Due to the insufferable, intolerable, and unacceptable condition of the Boys Locker room it will be closed, locked, sealed, and fastened for the rest of the year. While this may be a bit sad for some, many RKYHS boys are not surprised. Jacob Nelson 16 thinks the school made the right choice. I was always intrigued by the holes in the wall, he said. The school would fix them one day and about two hours later there would be a few more holes. I never understood where they came from. On the other hand, Jon Lefkowitz 14 disagrees. Jon believes the boys locker room is one of the most important rooms in the school. Although I do agree there are some major problems with the locker room, such as the lack of paper towels and the excess liquid covering the bathroom floor, the boys
Corey Kops 15 diagrees. Animals, he said. Small, cuddly amimals with large nails. These students made it clear that they are just making an educated guess. A freshman who wishes to remain anonymous is almost 100% sure he saw a group of senior boys having a pillow fight that got a little out of hand and resulted in the holes in the wall. All of the senior boys contacted have refused to comment. Although this explains part of the mystery, it still leaves many questions unanswered. How did more holes appear after the first few were fixed? Why didnt the lights work for the first half of the year? Why arent there any paper towels? How does Rabbi Chamudot walk so quickly in the hallways? Why is the floor by the bathroom sticky? Why is there some random persons toothbrush in locker number 67? Why are there decade-old clothes in half of the lockers? These questions are very pressing and there does not seem to be a simple answer to any of them. If anyone has any answers please let someone on The Voice staff know.

locker room is a symbol of their manhood and acts as a getaway from all the stresses associated with a high school students life. Jon also said he noticed the holes in the wall; he just thought they were a part of the decoration. Those are holes? They have been there forever. I thought they were modern art. Although many students have noticed these problems with the locker room, none of them actually know where they came from. The administration also does not know how these damages appeared. Sad-

ly our cameras that were in the bathroom had to be taken down because of privacy reasons, so as of now we do not know who committed this act of vandalism, the press statement said. It went on to add that although we do not have cameras we have other ways of figuring out who did this, so if you are the person and you are reading this I just want to let you know that we will find you and bring you to justice. Some students-try to speculate the origin of these damages. Jacob Nelson thinks that it was aliens.

Reviews
The Megillah

Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

Celebrating its 2500th Year on The Voices Bestseller List

By Joey Kirsch
What is there to say about the Megillah? Its pretty much The Great Jewish Novel. Action, adventure, and plot twists are abundant. The main characters: Esther and Mordechai, are so well written that it feels like theyre your ancestors or something. The Megillah starts off with this girl named Esther who lives with her uncle Mordechai. The king of Shushan (the place where they live) which is in the kingdom of Persia, wants to collect all the beautiful

women and bring them to his castle so he can select the one that he wants to marry. Since she already bombed her SATs, when her uncle suggests that the queen gig might be her only job prospect, Ester shruges her shoulders and heads to the palace. We meet another guy named Haman who hates Jews and wants to kill all of them. Using the kings ring, he sends out a letter to all the nations saying theyre going to kill all of the Jews on a certain day. Esther ends up marrying the king and hears about this plan and tries to stop it. Without giving away any spoilers for people

who may not have read it yet, it ends very well. This book is so good, I try to read it at least two times a year. Everyone I know has read it, and you should too. The storyline is so captivating that I can just sit there and listen to it for as long as it takes, start to finish. Although the Hebrew writing can be annoying at times, someone was kind enough to provide a side by side English translation, so you always know whats what. Another bad thing about the Megillah is that it seems to be popular at public readings. Inexplicably, people like to in-

terrupt in the middle, making it difficult to actually hear the story being read. The Good: Excellent commentary on Jewish life and outstanding storytelling. The Bad: Boring at times, Hebrew can be distracting. The Bottom Line: Definitely mandatory reading for anyone who calls him or herself a Jew.

Score: 8/10

The Kushner Voice (cont.)

tackle either a controversial or not commonly recognized issue without offering solution to any of the problems. They really do a great job at getting readers to say Wow. Our school really is messed up! Dont forget the Sports section, which is always there to remind you that we loose at every sport except baseball. Go Cobras! Overall The Voice is a mediocre read. It could be much better, but then again it could also be much worse. I wont even bother telling you to check it out because this is going to be in the paper, so we all know that nobody will end up reading it, anyway. The Good: Writing for the newspaper looks good on your college resume. The Bad: I really, realllllly dont want to start listing things here. The Bottom Line: Overall its pretty ok, but pales in comparison to SARs newspaper.

Score: Meh.5/10

Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

Book by Some Random Author Trying to Cash in on The Hunger Games Success
By Gabriel Zuckerman & Yonatan agent. Lisa isnt the sharpest government facility where teens were totally uncalled for that Raskin tool in the shed but somehow were tested to see if they were made us want to vomit. With

Reviews Death to All

manages to point out obvious things that nobody else can figure out and serves as Sams love interest. She also happens to know exactly how to get all the way from New York to California, even though she has lived in Canada all her life. Frankie, is the tech-geek of the group. He is only 11, but he knows everything there is to know about computers and anything else mechanical. He seems like an average 11-year-old at first glance, but is hiding a dark secret that for some unpredictable reason will jeopardize the entire journey to California. Tris is the dark, reserved, and mysterious girl who saved the group from some mutated animals that were chasing them and is the groups survival expert. After the nukes hit she escaped from a top secret immune to gunshots after being dipped into uranium, which they were. The fifth and final person in the group, George, is that one kid that does nothing at all throughout the plot, except carry all the groups gear. Join them on this pointless journey across the United States where they will surely die at the end of the book. Overall, Death to All was a great read with characters and plot that will probably remind you of all the other dystopian books that you have read. The plot was great. As it went it kept on becoming more vague with less details, which forced us to use our imaginations even more. This copycat author whose name clearly does not matter to you managed to fit in deep and overly romantic scenes in places that

Death to All tells the overtold, thrilling story of the apocalypse but with a new twist: everyone dies! Death to All takes place in the United States, the only place any apocalypse ever happens. North Korea has just launched all their nukes at America, which happened to only kill every single adult, but by complete coincidence didnt kill anyone under the age of 15. The award winning novel focuses on a group of 5 teens who have to travel from New York to California for no apparent reason. Sam, the leader of the group, is 14 year old who just so happens to know how to operate a car, shoot every type of gun, and is amazing at martial arts. He learned all of this from his uncle who was a former MI6

an underdeveloped plot, boring characters, and clear signs that each and every character would surely die at the end you wont be able to stop yourself from chucking this book into your fireplace. Still, it was a pretty solid novel. The Good: ... The Bad: Everything The Bottom Line: It was bad, but you should read it anyway because: If you liked the Hunger Games you will love this. - Head of Marketing at the Publishing Company

Rating: -10

Special Advertisement

Two free subscriptions for student who finds the most typos.

With a bowl Wheaties every morning you can grow up strong and healthy just like Rabbi Chamudot. Rabbi Chamudot was born and raised on an iceberg in the middle of the Atlantic ocean by a couple of wolverines. In his spare time, after a very successful career in the treadmill business, and a seven year

role as the head farmer at Farmer Pickles farm, Rabbi Chamudot mastered all of Shas and Tanach. Because of his excellence in crop production we placed Rabbi Chamudots portrait on a limited edition Wheaties box. Enjoy, Mr. Wheaties

Go ahead, scan it!

Purim 2014 Volume XVI, Issue V

Brace Yourselves, the Gym is Freezing

Students Surprisingly Upset About Cold Gym
By Josh Degen Those who entered the gym during the first few weeks of the spring semester might have noticed that the gymnasium was a tad colder than usual. For those who thought that this temperature change was a coincidence or just an inconvenient mishap, you are mistaken. The colder weather in the gym was supposed to be an improvement to student life, but it turned out to have some unexpected consequences on the high school experience. The decision to lower the temperature of the gymnasium was made to enhance the high school experience for every student. One way it was supposed to improve student life was by helping students adapt to the cold weather outside. Many high school students have not been exposed the frigid weather that has been brought upon us, Rabbi Kirsch remarked. It is our responsibility as a school to make sure our students are prepared for want to go to the water fountain and have the water come out and instantly turn into an icicle. I enjoy drinking cold water but I do not like having my tongue stuck to a small pillar of ice. Although Jacob was not happy about the adjustment, he later remarked, I do appreciate the school making an effort to improve the high school experience. While most students were disturbed about the cold gym, one student seemed to be happy about the gymnasiums frigid weather. I am very supportive of this move the school made. With a cold gym, fewer students will ditch class, and for those who do, their thinking will be much sharper due to the lower temperatures, said Jonathan Pedoeem 15. Though he also added, I am afraid however that the cold weather will spread to the rest of the building causing us to miss more school.

Sports
even though it was meant to benefit them. Is that a serious question? said Arthur Greenfield 16 when asked if the weather had anything to do with fewer students playing sports in the gym. I wasnt able to play City because of the freezing weather in the gym. When asked about why he was unhappy about the cold gym, Jacob Stein 15 answered, I dont

the winter weather. Another reason that the temperature in the gym was brought down was to stimulate students minds while they are playing basketball, volleyball, or soccer. Studies have shown that it is easier to think while in cold temperatures rather than in hot temperatures, said Rabbi Kirsch. Many students were not particularly happy with this decision

Chess Team Complains About Lack of Moral Support

By Joe Berger & David Esterlit In past years, the chess team has not been such a serious club. It would meet every so often, and the main attraction of the meeting was the free pizza that participants were awarded for coming and loudly cheering on a match. This year, however, the team is much more competitive. They now meet several times every week, and games are incredibly dramatic. It is amazing how far weve come, said team captain Alex Mendelsohn. 14. Just last year, we were basically a free-pizza club. But this year, weve grown to almost seven members. The only tough part is, we really dont get the fan support that we would like. Basketball, baseball, hockey, soccer, and, most of all, volleyball have recently become the most popular sports in Kushner. Literally tens of fans are at all the games. In fact, at the recent playoff varsity basketball game, which took place all the way out at SAR High School in Riverdale, we even had bus for fans, which was almost somewhat occupied! Everybody dressed up in blue, and the Kushner chants echoed throughout
for popularizing chess among the masses. Battle Chess, he explained. Thats what we should call it. Enough quiet old men playing golf on their own. No one wants to watch a game as boring as golf. Its high time we institute a game of chess in which the players scream at each other, the spectators--inebriated on the joy of the spectacle--laugh and shriek along with the players. We need a game in which storming, stomping, and flipping-out are moves always on the table, alongside the actual pieces. Yames did not provide us with anything more concrete about his ideal game of chess, but here at The Voice, we like the wind of change that his charismatic, though perhaps naive and blustering bravado represents. People like Yames challenging deeply imbedded institutions such as chess, remind us all here at The Voice to never play by the cards were dealt. If we dont like how the tables set, we flip over the table, which, coincidentally, is the same idea Yames had for ending a game of Battle Chess when you just lost your queen. Hmm...

More Fans Now!

the gym. If we can get so much support at a basketball game located two hours away from our school, why cant we get some fans to come to our matches? asked team member Benjy Lazar 14. I faced off against Simon Mendelsohn in an epic showdown the other day. Back and forth. I thought I had him, but all of a sudden, with one move, it was all over. I lost. I feel like if I had some fans cheering me on, maybe things would have turned out differently. Alex Mendelsohn 14 attributes the lack of fans to a lack of appreciation for this fantastic game. He pointed out that students at RKYHS are not taught the age-old

games rich and fantastic history. Alexs simple solution to this problem is to teach every student how to play chess. This will add to their appreciation and to their intelligence. More progressive minds, however, like our very own resident Chespert, Yames Sopher, have different ideas for boosting the games popularity. Chess is already hackneyed and old by now, and it does not have much staying power in our everyday lives. I mean, cmon, a castle that can move!? I think not! What todays students want is a different game, which they can connect to their day-to-day. Yames laid out his idea