Kerstin Morrison was born in East Germany, where she trained as a teacher in Russian and English.

After the fall of the Berlin Wall a scholarship brought her to England, where she has li ed and wor!ed in teaching, translating and social housing for more than "# years. $he started to write children%s boo!s in "#&# and li es in a illage in the 'ea! (istrict with her daughter.

Fr Fiona mein Herzchen

)o *al for being there always

Kerstin Morrison

ITS A CATS LIFE

+opyright Kerstin Morrison )he right of Kerstin Morrison to be identified as author of this wor! has been asserted by her in accordance with section ,, and ,- of the +opyright, (esigns and 'atents Act &.--. All rights reser ed. /o part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrie al system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers. Any person who commits any unauthori0ed act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and ci il claims for damages. A +1' catalogue record for this title is a ailable from the British 2ibrary. 1$B/ .,- &3.45 3.# www.austinmacauley.com 6irst 'ublished 7"#&38 Austin Macauley 'ublishers 2td. "9 +anada $:uare +anary Wharf 2ondon E&3 92B

'rinted and bound in Great Britain

1 Prolo !e
)his is a manual for all felines out there, who need help, help with the human race. Why would you need that help; Well, you either are a !itten, waiting to go to a good home full of humans, or you are already li ing in a house full of humans and are clueless as to how to ma!e it your home and housetrain those humans to do what you want them to. <r you are li ing rough outside and are trying to get a human to rescue you to ta!e you to their home full of humans. 1n any case, if you are reading this boo! you ha e admitted to yourself that you are in need of help. Well, here it comes. 1 ha e been with my humans now for nearly two years, ha e li ed through all the celebrations twice, met all the challenges and the rewards there are to be had sharing your life with them. 1n order to li e life to the full as a cat in human company you need to !now about some of their strange habits, such as running soapy baths or eating with !ni es and for!s, not to mention going to school. 1t also pays to !now how to get your own front door in a human abode and the best foods to swipe, as well as how to a oid disgusting things, such other animals or how to wind up your fellow cat ne=t door. Well, 1 hope you learn a lot and en>oy the read as well...

" Intro#!cin

M$sel%

?i, 1 am 6lora the cat @ a British shorthaired, blac! 7and 1 mean blac!, absolutely e erything, my fur, my nose and e en my paw pads8 e=cept for my left ear, which is white. Aust as well, really, who wants to loo! li!e e eryone else; 1 !now, there aren%t that many allB blac! cats around, but my white ear gi es me that bit

of e=traspecialnessC it ma!es people loo! at me, coo o er me and simply adore me. Being that e=tra special 1 always !new 1 was born to do great things and ha e a brilliant life @ in a feline sort of way, naturally. 1 wasn%t actually born in a great place. <n the contrary, my mother was a farm cat, which 1 suppose ma!es me a farm cat too, but of course that was in the past. 1 would ne er admit to being a farm cat nowD Anyway, bac! to my humble beginnings on the farm. By the way, this information is in strictest confidence, of course. 1f anyone were to find out 1 was born on a farm, my reputation would be damaged immeasurably. )he farmer was always pleased when my mum was pregnant, as he could ma!e a bit of money on the side by selling the !ittens. Eou see life on a farm is not as romantic as it seems. Because the farmer has to earn a li ing to feed his family 7unli!e us felines, who can >ust pop out to catch a mouse for tea8, e erything on the farm is about ma!ing money @ selling the !ittens, selling the lambs and cal es, selling egetables, letting children stro!e and feed the ponies. )he list could go on. <f course, !ittens lea e their mums :uite early anyway. We are not li!e humans, who hang around with their parents for a long time. 1f humans reach, on a erage, the age of eighty, and their children lea e them when they are twenty, humans spend a :uarter of their li es with their offspringD We, on the other hand, li e for about twenty years, but only spend about ten wee!s of our infancy with our mum, which wor!s out at roughly a hundredth of our cat li es 7ha, you didn%t !now 1 could be cle er with numbers, did you;8.

Anyway, my destiny and that of my two brothers was to be sold to strangers who isited the farm or the farm shop. )hat was when 1 realised that my white ear, howe er annoying it could be with its funny twitching and the need to be cleaned ten times as often as the rest of my fur, would be a huge ad antage, as 1 was surely going to be the first one to be pic!ed. All 1 had to do was to choose who 1 wanted to pic! me and be e=tra specially nice and charming to ensure 1 wouldn%t go home with some horrid or weird or worst of all smelly humanD 1n order for us to be admired and chosen, the farmer had shut us all together with my mum into a wire cage and put us into a prominent spot in his shop >ust by the strawberry bas!ets. 1t suited me fine, as 1 was con inced that strawberries would attract a nice and deser ing child.

& M$ H!man Famil$

<f course, with my feline intuition 7or si=th sense, as the humans call it8 1 had been right. <n the second day of our being on display with the strawberries a tall woman and a little girl of about se en came into the shop. )he tall woman immediately made a beeline for the freshly pic!ed strawberries, when 1 caught the little girl%s eye. <ur eyes met and 1 !new in that instant that 1 would be inseparable from that lo ely human child for the rest of my life. All 1 had to do was attract her attention and ma!e her choose me o er my brothers. But 1 needn%t ha e worried. Whilst 1 was scrambling to get to the edge of the cage to precisely the point where 1 predicted the little girl would stic! her finger through the mesh, she was already in raptures, admiring my blac!ness and my white ear. 71 told you 1 was specialD8 When she stro!ed me through the mesh 1 purred as loudly as was felinely possible and rubbed my nose on her. $he bec!oned her mum with pleading eyes, but guess what @ the tall woman needed no persuading either. $he decided there and then that 1, 6lora, the whiteBeared !itten, &# wee!s old, would go home with themD 7/ot >ust special, e=traspecialD8 $o here 1 am, safely and lo ingly installed at Broo! +ottage in a small and charming (erbyshire illage. Betty, the little girl, is the apple of my eye and 1 am eternally grateful that fate had decided, she should

ha e wal!ed into the farm shop that day. Eli0a, her mum has become my mum too, and 1 will call her mum from now on. )he cottage, my home, is small and cosy @ an absolute cat hea en, but more of that later.

Also resident in my new home is a small, annoying, ratBli!e animal called /essie @ a $yrian hamster, confined to either a cage or a huge green see through ball, in which she e=plores the arious rooms

downstairs. 1 thin! she was named after the monster 7of 2och /ess, of course, should you not !now what 1 am referring to8, as she is a icious little thing, biting at e ery opportunity, not letting Betty or mum hold her. )he cage is ne=t to the fireplace and 1 could sit there for ages watching and waiting for her to come out. 1t is perilous, howe er, as she tries to sin! her sharp teeth into my nose as soon as 1 try to sniff at her through the cage bars. <ne day... All the animal care tas!s are shared e:ually between Betty and mum. Betty feeds and waters us 71 ta!e priority, needless to say, as the little monster hamsters her food away and doesn%t need feeding e ery day8 and she cleans my cat litter, e en when it is e=tra smelly. Mum deals with the hamster cage once a wee!, which is a big >ob. $o much effort for such a small monster, whereas my charming and brilliant self is so easy to loo! afterD )hey are a curious !ind of animals, humans are, and 1 ha e made it my mission, ha ing obser ed them in their odd habits and strange ways, to reBeducate them a bit and show them life the catBway.