Shirley Phillips, RGN. Dip in N (London) Cert.Ed.

(FE) RCNT, RNT, (Retired) Times to Weep, Times to Laugh is a memoir of her life as a n rse. !er trainin" #e"an in $%&'. She e(ent ally #e)ame a n rse t tor in $%*$ and retired from the N!S in $%%+. Thereafter, she )ontin ed to train n rses in the pri(ate se)tor and ltimately retired from there in ,'',. Some e(ents -ithin these memoirs are related to her past as the fo rth of fi(e )hildren #orn into the hard life of a miner.s family in a So th /ales (alley. Lar"e families li(ed in small, #a)01to1 #a)0 ho ses and stri(ed to pro(ide the essentials for e2isten)e. 3t the a"e of se(enteen she applied to enter n rse trainin" # t -as re4e)ted as #ein" nfit for the hea(y tas0s in(ol(ed. She has a spinal ) r(at re. The )ontent of her -ritin" -ill re(eal that she o(er)ame this and -as a))epted into n rse trainin" se(enteen years later. Shirley Phillips met and tra(elled -idely -ith her h s#and -ho -as then an army offi)er. She -or0ed as a (ol ntary n rse in a n m#er of o(erseas )o ntries and -as in(ol(ed in some of the (iolent res lts of ins r"en)y. She )arried o t (ol ntary n rsin" in Ghana, 3den, 5enya and she o))asionally le)t red in the R6P3S !ospital in 7r nei. /ith her h s#and, for fi(e months in $%*8, she helped him -hen he -as -ith 9NESC: on a pro4e)t in Paris and Ni"eria to aid disa#led )hildren. She -as in the )arin" profession for thirty years and, at times -as deeply in(ol(ed in e(ents that reminded her of some of the horrors of her past; illi)it a#ortion, se2 al a# se, rape, m rder, family )onfli)ts, ra)ism, and the (i)timi<ation of miners. /hilst a n rse she -as reminded of those ni"htmarish e(ents of her past. She has emphasised differen)es #et-een the )are of the si)0 and in4 red in her )hildhood and yo th and ho- it is no-. !o-e(er, she points o t, to her the )han"e in dire)tion of "eneral n rse trainin" -as not ne)essarily for the #etter. The Nursing Times (=ay ,'',) has )ommented; >Pro4e)t ,''' -as not the s ))ess the Go(ernment had hoped for.? For the past ten years Shirley Phillips has noti)ed n rsin" )are spiralin" do-n-ards. She hopes it hasn.t rea)hed a point of no ret rn for the sa0e of o r f t re and of those )ompassionate, dedi)ated n rses -ho still e2ist. She is pleased to say there are more of those than the others.

Shirley Phillips

TIMES TO WEEP, TIMES TO LAUGH

Memoirs of a Nurse Tutor

Copyri"ht Shirley Phillips The ri"ht of Shirley Phillips to #e identified as a thor of this -or0 has #een asserted #y her in a))ordan)e -ith se)tion && and &* of the Copyri"ht, Desi"ns and Patents 3)t $%**. 3ll ri"hts reser(ed. No part of this p #li)ation may #e reprod )ed, stored in a retrie(al system, or transmitted in any form or #y any means, ele)troni), me)hani)al, photo)opyin", re)ordin", or other-ise, -itho t the prior permission of the p #lishers. 3ny person -ho )ommits any na thori<ed a)t in relation to this p #li)ation may #e lia#le to )riminal prose) tion and )i(il )laims for dama"es. 3 C6P )atalo" e re)ord for this title is a(aila#le from the 7ritish Li#rary. To prote)t the )onfidentiality of most of the )hara)ters in this -or0 their names ha(e #een )han"ed. !o-e(er, the names of some others ha(e not@ they are of those -ho -ill #e pleased to 0no- that they ha(e #een remem#ered and admired for the important role they ha(e played in her personal and professional life. 6S7N %&* $8%A+ B,A 8 ---.a stinma)a ley.)om First P #lished (,'$8) 3 stin =a)a ley P #lishers Ltd. ,B Canada SC are Canary /harf London E$8 BL7

Printed and #o nd in Great 7ritain

PART ONE

Rejected
E(en no-, -hen my sister Rosie has #een dead o(er fifty years, e(ents )rop p -hi)h remind me of the se)rets -e shared in o r small #ed. :n s mmer ni"hts the room -as stiflin". 6n the -inter it -as free<in", -ith as m )h i)e on the -indo- inside as o t. Rosie and 6 often tal0ed a#o t o r f t res # t only 6 had one. She 0ne- 6 -anted to #e a n rse # t 6 didn.t thin0 6 -as )le(er eno "h. D:f )o rse yo are,. Rosie told me. 6 -ish she -ere ali(e to 0no- of my a)hie(ements. Ne(er did 6 thin0 6 -o ld #e)ome a n rse t tor. Thro "ho t my n rsin" life 6 ha(e #een reminded of in)idents of my past. 6 -as one of fi(e )hildren #orn and reared in a /elsh minin" (alley. =y father -as a miner and life -as hard. /e -ere often h n"ry, )old and fri"htened. There -ere many times for -eepin" # t 6 also remem#er the la "hter and lo(e. =y n rsin" life #e"an -hen 6 -as thirty1fo r@ a mat re entrant. 6 had attempted a))eptan)e -hen 6 -as se(enteen # t had #een re4e)ted #e)a se 6 ha(e a spinal ) r(at re and -as told that 6 -o ldn.t -ithstand the hea(y tas0s -hi)h are in(ol(ed. 6 -ish Rosie had #een ali(e -hen 6 -as e(ent ally a))epted into n rse trainin" in spite of the spinal ) r(at re. 6t -as #y )han)e that an opport nity arose to rene- my am#ition. Pa l, my son, -as a-ay at s)hool and my h s#and, Dere0, -as an army offi)er, stationed in /iltshire. 6 didn.t 4oin him, as 6 had on his past postin"s #e)a se 6 -anted to #e near Pa l ntil 6 -as s re he -as happy as a #oarder. /e had #o "ht a ho se not too far from the s)hool. Li(in" at home on my o-n "a(e me the opport nity to "et a 4o#. /ith nothin" to offer # t one GCE and an D3. le(el in En"lish, 6 #e"an s)annin" the (a)an)y )ol mns for somethin" s ita#le and applied for a fe-. 6 -as s rprised to #e offered an administrati(e position in the National !ealth Ser(i)e, sin)e it in(ol(ed the eC ippin" of the se)ond phase of a ne- hospital on

the ed"e of the near#y to-n@ Ne- Ne(ill !all !ospital. 6t -as # ilt in the "ro nds of :ld Ne(ill !all !ospital, hen)e its name. 6 thin0 6 -as offered the 4o# #e)a se 6 had -or0ed in se(eral hospitals as a (ol ntary n rsin" aid in (ario s pla)es o(erseas@ -here(er Dere0 -as posted. 6 #e)ame Graham Lane.s se)retary. !e had #een a (i)tim of Dr 7ee)hin", the main insti"ator of ma)eratin" 7ritish Rail-ays in the mid1nineteen si2ties. 7ein" -ell into his forties, Graham )onsidered himself l )0y to "et the position of mana"er of the Capital Finan)e Department for phase t-o of the # ildin" -hi)h -as in the pro)ess of #ein" )onstr )ted. !e tho "ht he.d #e on the >s)rap1heap? of nemployed. 6t -as then E ne $%&'. Graham and 6 -or0in" to"ether on s )h a pro4e)t -as a )ase of the #lind leadin" the #lind. 7oth of s 0ne- ne2t to nothin" a#o t orderin" hospital eC ipment. /e learned as -e -ent alon", relie(ed #y the fa)t that the re)ords for the eC ippin" of phase one of the ne- hospital -ere at o r disposal. 6 had #een -or0in" there for si2 months -hen somethin" happened to )han"e my life. 6t -as on a =onday mornin", -hen 6 -as de)ipherin" my -ay thro "h a list of h ndreds of items of hospital eC ipment. D3 h ndred sphy"Fsphimmy. /hat the he)0 are these, GrahamG 6 )an.t e(en prono n)e it. 6s it an instr ment of tort re or somethin"G. DSphy"momanometer.. 6t rolled off his ton" e as easy as pie. !e tho "ht he 0ne- more than 6 did and en4oyed lettin" me 0noit. D=y "oodness, ima"ine ha(in" to "et yo r ton" e aro nd that -hen in a h rry. Spell it o t for me, -ill yo G The print has faded@ it.s not )lear.. 6 tapped it o t on the tired old, )lin"1)lan"in" :li(etti type-riter that had e(aded the d mp. 6t rattled and my des0 ro)0ed. /e had all the -orn1o t offi)e eC ipment from the old hospital@ -hi)h -as a reno(ated mansion ho se. 6 )o ld see it from the front -indo- of o r offi)e. : r offi)e -as a small room in one of :ld Ne(ill !all.s lod"es -hi)h had " arded the mansion -hen it -as a "rand, ri)h family home and #efore it had #e)ome o r lo)al hospital. 6t still f n)tioned as a )hildren.s -ard, a-aitin" the )ompletion of

Pro4e)t , of the hospital.s # ildin"s, -hi)h -o ld in)l de a sophisti)ated ne- paediatri) nit. The first phase of Ne- Ne(ill !all -as )ompleted in $%A% and offi)ially opened on $'th 3pril, $%&' #y The Ri"ht !ono ra#le, Geor"e Thomas. 6t -as shortly after that Graham and 6 #e"an -or0in" to"ether. DDon.t yo 0no- -hat a sphy"momanometer isG. he as0ed. D6t.s for ta0in" #lood press re. Ho m st ha(e seen one do<ens of times.. D=any times, # t not in the 95. 3nd 0no-in" a#o t them -asn.t one of the stip lations for this 4o#. 6 0no- it as a Dsphi". for ta0in" #lood press re. 3s al-ays a lo-ly (ol nteer 6.(e had the 4o# of s)r ##in" instr ments #efore they -ere sterilised # t 6 didn.t 0no- their ses. 6 #e)ame familiar -ith seein" stethos)opes and sphy"mothin"s # t 6 didn.t as0 their names. 6.(e done C ite a #it of hospital -or0 in my time@ the se of these items -e.re listin" -as ta0en )are of #y my #etters and 6 happily )arried on -ith the menial tas0s.. DThey.re needed for the -ards and departments,. Graham -ent on, D# t there are some do)tors -ho ha(e their o-n personal stethos)opes. The n rses se them as -ell # t -e )an.t e2pe)t them to # y their o-n, #less them. The yo n" do)tors 0eep them aro nd their ne)0s@ a #ad"e of offi)e yo mi"ht say. 6 -onder if they -ear them to #ed.. 6 la "hed at the )yni)ism. DNo, the n rses don.t earn m )h, do theyG 7 t they don.t -or0 for money. They ha(e )ompassion. They ha(e to ha(e it here.. 6 patted the # ttons of my #lo se, a#o(e -here 6 tho "ht my heart -as. D6 -anted to #e a n rse, yo 0no-, Graham, # t 6 -as t rned do-n #e)a se 6 ha(e a ri)0ety #a)0. Not tr e@ my #a)0 is as stron" as a don0ey.s I and no flippant remar0s if yo don.t mind.. Graham )h )0led. DNo, 6 -on.t )ompare yo -ith a don0ey, # t -hat a pity, yo .d ma0e a lo(ely n rse. /hy don.t yo try a"ainG N rses are trained ho- to lift no-. Ho .d #e a #etter n rse than yo are an administrator.. DChee0,. 6 )o)0ed a snoot. DHo .re not so hot yo rself. 3ny-ay, 6.m too old at thirty1fo r. 3s an offi)er.s -ife it loo0ed "ood for Dere0 -hen 6 did (ol ntary -or0. 6 did hospital -or0 #e)a se that.s -hat 6 en4oyed, # t 6 -as yo n"er then. 6 -o ldn.t #e a))epted no-, at my a"e..

DNoG Then loo0 o t of the -indo-.. 3 noisy )l t)h of )hatterin" females in daffodil1yelloniforms and pristine, -hite stiff )aps per)hed on top of neat hair1 styles -as passin" #y. They -ere on their -ay #a)0 to the n rse1 trainin" s)hool for the afternoon.s sessions. There -ere a#o t t-el(e of them@ li(ely, #ri"ht, e2)ited. Not re)o"nisin" their niforms 6 as0ed Graham, D/hat sort of n rses are theyG. DThey are the first "ro p of p pil n rses of Ne- Ne(ill !all.s n rse trainin" s)hool. 7e)a se -e ha(e more than t-o h ndred #eds the N rsin" Co n)il has "i(en s the "o1ahead to #e)ome a trainin" hospital. Not eno "h #eds to C alify for st dent n rse trainin".. 6 -as s rprised. DLoo0J There.s =a(is Da(ies amon" them. She.s the "irl from a)ross the )orridor and 6.m s re she.s older than me.. =a(is happened to loo0 in the dire)tion of the -indo- o t of -hi)h Graham and 6 -ere "a<in". She "a(e an enth siasti) -a(e. D3nd there.s Gloria 7l nt, the dinin" room assistant,. Graham said. DShe.s a "ood fe- years older than yo , 6.d say. 6 thin0 the po-ers that #e are after the more mat re -omen as -ell as the ei"hteen1year olds. Gloria and =a(is -ere only doin" those 4o#s ntil the s)hool started. They are p pil n rses, mind, not st dents.. D/hat.s the differen)e #et-een p pils and st dentsG. 6 as0ed. D3 p pil does t-o years. trainin" and #e)omes an enrolled n rse, -hereas a st dent n rse does three years and #e)omes a re"istered n rse. 6f yo -ant to "o into n rsin" 6.m s re yo .d #e a))epted. There.s a#o t thirty years. ser(i)e left in yo , #y my re)0onin".. 6 " essed he -as ri"ht. D6.d lo(e to do it. 6.d feel really pri(ile"ed if 6 -ere a C alified n rse.. D/ell, no-.s yo r )han)e,. Graham said. DThere )o ldn.t #e m )h -ron" -ith yo r #a)0 or yo -o ldn.t ha(e #een a#le to do all that liftin" and )arryin" -hen -e mo(ed offi)es. They -ant n rses pretty desperate, so if yo .re fit yo .ll fit the #ill.. D6.ll thin0 a#o t it,. 6 said. D6.d mana"e the #asi) n rsin" alri"ht, 6 0no-. 6.(e done it often eno "h and in #ad )onditions, too. 6.ll see -hat Dere0 says. !e.ll #e home at the -ee0end..

Dere0 0ne- of my disappointment of #ein" re4e)ted from n rse trainin" -hen 6 -as se(enteen. 6 remem#ered my disappointment -hen my mother and 6 -ere s mmoned to o r GP (the lo)al do)tor.s s r"ery) to #e told that 6 hadn.t #een a))epted for n rse trainin". She pretended to #e disappointed # t 6 0no- she -asn.t. /hen 6 had told her of my intention to apply for n rsin" she e2pressed herself in no n)ertain terms. D/hat yo -ant to do that shitty 4o# forG /hy don.t yo try for shop -or0 or "et into one of the fa)toriesG. 6 -as se(enteen then and had learned to i"nore her n0ind opinions and dirty mo th. 3ny-ay, my father -as "en inely disappointed -hen 6 told him 6 had #een re4e)ted. =y mother had "i(en me the silent treatment all thro "h the pro)ess of -ritin" for appli)ation forms, my inter(ie- and sneered at me ha(in" to pass a -ritin" and arithmeti) e2amination. She h ffed, DHo .re too d ll to pass that.. /hilst -aitin" to #e )alled for inter(ie-, e2amination and physi)al fitness medi)al, 6 -as ad(ised to (ol nteer myself to help at the lo)al hospital to ha(e the feel of #ein" in a -ard of si)0 people. 6 didn.t mind that@ 6 did t-o ho rs on =onday and Friday e(enin"s, as ad(ised. 6 lo(ed e(ery min te and had #een impatient to #e"in trainin". 6 had #een s pplied -ith a -hite all1o(er apron #y the sisters of the t-o -ards 6 -or0ed at@ medi)al male and female. 6 -as "i(en simple tas0s; helpin" to "i(e o t meals, feedin" patients -ho )o ldn.t mana"e themsel(es, arran"in" flo-ers, tidyin" #edside lo)0ers and tal0in" to those patients -ho li0ed a )hat. :ne e(enin", -hen "i(in" o t the teas 6 p t t-o spoons of s "ar into a man.s ) p. 6 tho "ht 6 -as #ein" 0ind sin)e s "ar -as still #ein" rationed. The staff n rse in )har"e at the time sho ted a)ross the -ard to me. DDon.t "i(e =r 7all s "ar, yo dope. Ta0e a-ay his ) p and "et yo rself home.. 6 -as h miliated and didn.t thin0 her -ell1mannered eno "h to #e a n rse. The n0ind attit de, -hi)h 6 )onsidered )o rse, had fortified my intention to #e)ome a C alified n rse. 3ny-ay, 6.d

"i(en him s "ar in his tea the ni"ht #efore. !e didn.t tell me he -as a dia#eti) and -asn.t allo-ed s "ar in his tea. The -ritten e2amination had ta0en pla)e at that same hospital in the smart #oard1room there. 6 ens red 6 had de)ent nder-ear to attend the o#li"atory medi)al e2amination. 6 had #een )onfident of #ein" a))epted so re4e)tion )ame as a #itter disappointment. The #oard room -as, to me, a "rand room, parti) larly so #e)a se it -as the festi(e season and there -as a tall Christmas tree -ith lots of )olo red tinsel. 6 )o ldn.t remem#er ha(in" seen Christmas tree li"hts at that time. The shorta"es of the -ar years hadn.t passed. =iss Slater had formed, ad4 di)ated and mar0ed the -ritten e2amination. She had #een my tea)her -hen 6 -as at s)hool and remem#ered me. There -as an arithmeti) test -hi)h 6 fo nd easy and a simple -ritin" test -hi)h -as an essay, >Christmas E(e?. There -ere a#o t t-enty of s sittin" the e2amination. /e met d rin" a short #rea0 #et-een arithmeti) and essay -ritin". Not one of them displayed )onfiden)e. D/hy do -e ha(e to 0no- #loomin" s ms for to #e a n rseG. one yo n" lady s l0ed. /e -ere "i(en tea and #is) its@ =iss Slater sat -ith s. D!o- are yo "oin" to remem#er fi" res -hen yo meas re the hei"ht and -ei"ht of patientsG. she as0ed. D3lso, yo ha(e to learn a#o t dosa"es of pills and medi)ine.. The "irl had apolo"ised. D:h, yes. :f )o rse -e m st, # t 6.m hopeless at s ms. 3nother appli)ant as0ed, DThen -hy do -e ha(e to #e "ood at -ritin"G 6 find it hard strin"in" t-o lines of a letter to"ether. =y dad had to -rite my appli)ation letter and fill in my form.. D/e need to 0no- that yo are a#le to -rite n rsin" reports and )omplete forms. 7 t don.t -orry, yo .ll learn all that d rin" yo r trainin".. 6 passed the tests -ith flyin" )olo rs. =iss Slater told me 6 -as the only one to -rite a#o t Christmas E(e and not Christmas Day. 6 -rote a#o t the 4o rney =ary and Eoseph made to the sta#le in 7ethlehem and the three -ise men follo-in" the star to #e at the #irth of Ees s. 7 t 6 had failed the physi)al e2amination. There -as no pla)e in n rsin" for someone -ho -asn.t fit eno "h for liftin" ill patients.

6 e2plained to Graham, #riefly, of -hat had happened and stressed the disappointment 6 felt at the time. 7 t it -as years a"o and 6.d p shed it into the ar)hi(es of my mind. D/hy not pop to admin no- and "et an appli)ation form,. Graham s ""ested. DThey mi"htn.t K1ray yo r spine and e(en if yo don.t se the form, it -ill "i(e yo an idea of -hat is e2pe)ted. 6.(e 0no-n 3(is Trent a lon" time. She.s Sister in )har"e of =edi)al 8L$ p there.. !e pointed in the dire)tion of the top floor of the impressi(e ne- hospital. DThere are fo r medi)al -ards on the fo rth floor. She -as the -ard sister in :ld Ne( a)ross the road there. Shirley, perhaps yo .ll #e)ome a -ard sister.. 6 la "hed. DHeh, and perhaps one day pi"s -ill fly.. Graham -as n)annily )orre)t in his predi)tion. 6 applied for entry into p pil n rse trainin", -as a))epted and C alified. 6 -ent on and trained for Re"istration. Ten years later 6 #e)ame a sister on that (ery -ard.

Accepted
6 )ommen)ed p pil n rse trainin" in Septem#er, $%&'. 6ntrod )tory Co rse -as 7lo)0 $, )onsistin" of fo r -ee0s of st dy. 6 -as one of a "ro p of ten. :ne of s -as a#o t my a"e, t-o older and the others, 6 tho "ht, #et-een t-enty and thirty. /e are all in to )h to this day@ most of s retired, sadly one of s dead. =yra Sam els de(eloped a #rain t mo r and died on one of the -ards she.d #een a staff n rse. The Ne- Ne(ill !all Trainin" S)hool -as a # ildin" #ehind the :ld Ne(ill !all !ospital. 6t -as a lar"e, #ro-n -ooden h t. /e )alled it the )hi)0ens. )ot #e)a se that.s -hat it loo0ed li0e from the o tside. 6nside it -as different@ planned for its p rpose. Lar"e posters of the h man anatomy de)orated the -alls, a s0eleton dan"led from metal "allo-s in the )orner and #ones of arms and le"s s)attered on -hite -ooden shel(es. Real #ody parts; #rain, intestines, li(er, pan)reas I and others -hi)h 6 didn.t re)o"nise I floated in )ontainers of preser(ati(e fl id and stored in "lass1fronted "lass ) p#oards. 6 remem#er hopin" the fl id -o ldn.t lea0 o t at any time # t one did. 3 )ontainer of a diseased li(er had a slo- lea0 -hi)h )o ldn.t #e seen. The malodo r remained ndis)o(ered for -ee0s. The floor spa)e had #een -ell tilised and had #e)ome a )lassroom, a ma0e1#elie(e sl i)e, a pra)ti)al room, a staff room, toilet area and a small offi)e for o r )lini)al tea)her and t tor; Rae Eames -as the tea)her for pra)ti)al instr )tion and =rs :l-en Griffiths )o(ered the theory. The pra)ti)al room -as o r >role1play area?. 6t ho sed a life1 si<e >doll? representin" a na0ed patient, a hospital #ed, all the #its and pie)es of eC ipment to )arry o t personal )are and a thenti) apparat s -hi)h are sed to )arry o t the more intr si(e physi)al pro)ed res. 6t -as far from real sit ations, # t, at least, -e had the feelin" of the apparat s -e -o ld #e sin".

/e -ere "i(en an nderstandin" of the different si<es of t #es and )lini)al meas rements and -ere ta "ht the importan)e of maintainin" sterility@ the non1to )h te)hniC e. The >doll? had a s)re-1off penis so it )o ld #e male or female. The penis -as 0ept in a dra-er for most of the time so the doll -as predominately female. She -as )alled =rs 7edford. =rs 7edford -as #lan0et1#athed, p t on and off a #edpan, lifted o t of #ed, p t on a )ommode and in(isi#le fae)es )orre)tly -iped from #et-een her # tto)0s. =rs Eames, o r )lini)al tea)her, p t her o-n rine in a test t #e, to -hi)h she had added s "ar and salt. 6t -as tested -ith a spe)ial )hemi)al strip, )ontainers of -hi)h are a(aila#le in e(ery -ard sl i)e for > rinalysis? and )ompared it -ith o r o-n ntainted rine, tested, meas red and )harted. =rs 7edford -as in4e)ted, )atheterised, naso1"astri) t #ed, #anda"ed, had her artifi)ial -o nds dressed, hair, eyes and mo th )ared for. False teeth -ere ta0en o t, )leaned and repla)ed, false eyes ta0en o t, )leaned and p t #a)0. She -as "i(en enemas and s ppositories and, of )o rse, the #ed -as made to perfe)tion -hether she -as in or o t of it. /ho -o ld ha(e 0no-n there -ere ei"ht different -ays of ma0in" a #edG 6 se the past tense #e)a se #ed1ma0in" has )han"ed sin)e the inno(ation of d (ets. =rs 7edford -as made of r ##ery plasti) -ith remo(a#le head, arms, le"s and, of )o rse, a penis. 3 fe- of s -ere too em#arrassed to handle the latter. 6 de)line to p t into -ritin" the remar0s passed #y some of my )ollea" es. /e ea)h >(ol nteered? to #e)ome =rs 7edford to ha(e the feel of #ein" a patient o rsel(es, as far as -as possi#le. 6 -as p t on a #edpan and fell off. /e meas red ea)h other.s #lood press re, temperat re and p lse. /e #e)ame familiar -ith a thermometer, a sphy"momanometer and stethos)ope. /e pra)tised anatomy on a plasti) torso )ontainin" remo(a#le syntheti) h man or"ans; #rain, heart, li(er, l n"s, spleen, pan)reas, #ladder and t #es. The parts all fitted sn "ly into the torso I -hen in the ri"ht pla)es. 6t reminded me of a )hild.s ed )ational toy -hen the (ario sly shaped pie)es of )olo red #lo)0s fitted into the )orrespondin" shaped holes. Se(eral times 6 -as left -ith a pan)reas, a 0idney or somethin". /e had a lot of

la "hs ntil -e all "ot it e2a)tly ri"ht. : r tea)her ens red -e did. Today.s trainin" doesn.t in)l de learnin" pro)ed res in a pra)ti)al room, sin)e initial learnin" ta0es pla)e in a ni(ersity le)t re room. 6, and a n m#er of my )o nterparts, )onsider this is not a )han"e for the #etter. The only n rsin" pro)ed re -e )o ldn.t se =rs 7edford for -as >feedin" the helpless patient?. For this, -e -ere ta0en to the )lini)al area #y o r tea)hers 4 st #efore mid1day. 6t -as timed so that -e arri(ed as the lar"e, steel, thermostati) meal trolleys -ere #ein" -heeled onto the -ards. 6n the )lassroom -e had #een ta "ht the r diments of n trition and the (ario s therape ti) diets. /e.d learned a#o t diets of hi"h and lo- )alories, hi"h and lo- fat, hi"h and lo- salt as -ell as that of dia#etes and other )onditions of mala#sorption. 6 tho "ht 6.d ne(er "et all the 0no-led"e into my #rain. 6 )ertainly didn.t thin0, on that first day in the )lini)al area, that 6 -o ld #e)ome a tea)her of the s #4e)t myself. /e all loo0ed imma) late in o r #rilliant yello- niforms and stiff paper n rse1)aps and, spea0in" for myself, had to dis" ise ner(o s e2)itement. 6 0ne- that Meroni)a, standin" ne2t to me, felt the same. DPlease God, don.t let me spill the so p o(er anyone.. =rs Griffiths heard. DHo .d #etter not, Daniels.. 6 -as allo)ated a lo(ely lady s fferin" from le 0aemia. She -as too -ea0 to p t food into her mo th. She addressed me as N rse Phillips, ha(in" seen a name #ad"e a#o(e my smart fo#1 -at)h. =e, a n rseJ 6 felt ten feet tall. The n rse -ho s per(ised me -ished me l )0. D6 hope yo .ll #e allo)ated to this -ard, N rse Phillips. 6t.s a smashin" -ard.. 6t -as =edi)al /ard 8L$. /e had f n learnin" and 6 -ill al-ays remem#er those first days. Reality hit me, and my )ollea" es, -ith an ne2pe)ted th d on the first day of d ty, a S nday in :)to#er $%&'. /hen 6 ret rned to the (ery same -ard ten years later as Sister Phillips, my emotions t rned my " t the same n m#er of somersa lts as it had on that first day.

! Weep I" #$% M%st

6 -as allo)ated to =edi)al /ard 8L$ for my first t-el(e -ee0s of p pil n rse trainin". D rin" that time 6 learned a "reat deal a#o t the needs of a) tely ill patients. 6t -asn.t simply a matter of -ashin" them, helpin" them at mealtimes and 0eepin" them )omforta#le, altho "h they -ere the #asi) important tas0s. There -as far more to it than 6 e2pe)ted. The role1play time -ith the sphy"momanometer and stethos)ope d rin" 6ntrod )tory Co rse pro(ed to #e time -ell spent. 9sin" them in the )lini)al area, nderstandin" the si"nifi)an)e of the readin"s and re)ordin" them on the )harts -as interestin", e(en e2)itin" d rin" the first -ee0. 6 )arried o t the pro)ed res e2a)tly #y the #oo0 # t not realisin" their importan)e ntil m )h later in my )areer. 6 didn.t realise then that it -as on those findin"s the do)tors de)ided the treatments. 7efore ea)h shift -e "athered in the sister.s offi)e to "et the hand1o(er report. The n rsin" team -as made p of a team leader, #ein" the -ard sister or her senior staff n rse, t-o State Enrolled N rses, t-o or three a 2iliary n rses and one or t-o p pil n rses. The lar"e, 0ey1rin" of the dr "s. ) p#oards -ere )eremonio sly handed o(er to the n rse at the helm and pinned to the o tside of her po)0et. She reminded me of a 4ailer. 6 al-ays pinned the 0eys into my po)0et -hen 6 rea)hed that e2alted le(el and ta "ht others to do li0e-ise. /e -ere "i(en a report of the pre(io s shift.s e(ents and ea)h patient.s )ondition and treatment -o ld #e dis) ssed. 3t first, the terms sed mi"ht as -ell ha(e #een in Chinese to me. D rin" all the years 6 did (ol ntary -or0 a#road -hen 6 -as an army offi)er.s -ife 6 -asn.t in(ol(ed in that, nor -anted to #e. =yself and no(i)es li0e me stood at the #a)0 -ith #iros poised o(er po)0et1si<ed note #oo0s ta0in" do-n o r instr )tions. =y la)0 of 0no-led"e -as fr stratin" # t 6 -as determined to #eat it. 6 st died at e(ery opport nity -hen off d ty. The day shifts started at '&.'' ho rs ended at $B.+' ho rs. The afternoon

shifts started at $$.+' ho rs and finished at ,'.+' ho rs. !alf an ho r #et-een shifts allo-ed for the hand1o(er report. 6 -as sed to the t-enty1fo r ho r )lo)0 # t most other p pils -eren.t. 3t first, at the end of the late shift, 6 -as al-ays e2ha sted. 7y the time 6 "ot to my lo)0er in the )han"in" room 6 a)hed all o(er. /e -eren.t allo-ed o tside the hospital in niform so 6 )han"ed and safely lo)0ed p my )ap and d ty shoes so that 6.d #e s re they.d #e safe. 6.d had one pair stolen. The follo-in" mornin", -hen "ettin" #a)0 on d ty in those early days, my a)hin" feet hadn.t re)o(ered from the day #efore. :hJ !o- my feet a)hed in my #la)0, la)e1 p, >)omforta#le? shoes. !o-e(er, after t-el(e -ee0s the inside of them too0 on the shape of my toes and my #listers had healed. /hen 6 "ot a nepair 6 e2pe)ted to "o thro "h the same #lister1footed dis)omfort # t 6.d a)hie(ed one of the first )hara)teristi)s of n rsin" I to "h feet. The spe)ial pro)ed res desi"nated to me after the mornin" report had to #e fitted in to all the other )o ntless tas0s and they al-ays -ere. 6 sensed the senior staff n rse didn.t li0e me so 6 -as )aref l not to r ffle her feathers. 3 report on my performan)e at the end of the e2perien)e -o ld determine if 6 -ere fit to )ontin e trainin". DN rse Phillips, "et an F:7 from =r Pitt, middle -ard, -ill yo G. she snapped DHes, Staff. /hat.s an F:7, tho "hG. 3 t-itter of am sement follo-ed. :#(io sly, the others 0ne-. She "lo-ered at me. DHo sho ld 0no- -hat an F:7 is #y no-. Fae)es for o)) lt #lood is -hat an F:7 is. /hy -o ld -e -ant that, N rseG. D6 don.t 0no-, Staff.. D/ell, find o t. 6.ll as0 yo tomorro- # t ma0e s re =r Pitt ses a #ed1pan -hen he has a #o-el mo(ement today.. DN rse Phillips, -hat -as =rs Grit.s rinalysis -hen she -as admitted. Ho admitted her, didn.t yo G. DHes, Staff, # t, 6.m sorry, 6 )an.t remem#er.. DThen ma0e s re yo remem#er ne2t time 6 as0 and "et an =SS9 from her.. DHes, Staff.. 6 didn.t 0no- -hat an =SS9 -as either and didn.t as0, tho "h she -as -aitin" for me to do so..

6 as0ed G-en Eones, one of the a 2iliaries -hat it -as. D6t.s a mid1stream spe)imen of rine, my lo(ely,. she said. DCome on, 6.ll sho- yo ho- to do it. 6t.s not al-ays easy. =rs Grit.s "ot )ystitis, an infe)tion in her pee #ladder, so -ear "lo(es.. Disposa#le "lo(es -eren.t a# ndantly to hand in those days as they seem to #e no-. /hen 6 "ot home that e(enin" 6 st died into the ni"ht; rinalysis, F:7s, =SS9s and anythin" that mi"ht appear in a #edpan and rinal that sho ldn.t. 6 ate a rare #eef sand-i)h -hilst readin" of the a#normal smells and si"hts of diseased fae)es. =y past e2perien)e as a (ol nteer n rse aid had ) red me of a -ea0 stoma)h. G-en Eones is no- one of my dearest friends. /e often tal0 and la "h a#o t those days. She res) ed me a fe- times from the -rath of that spitef l Staff N rse. G-en said -hy she tho "ht 6 -as disli0ed. D6t.s #e)a se she.s fat, -o##ly and spotty and yo .re as thin as a ra0e, pretty and ha(e more #rain than e(er she -ill.. 6 do #ted they -ere the reasons # t it helped 0no-in" that they mi"ht #e. 3t the time, meas rin" and )hartin" the temperat res, p lses and #lood press res of thirty1t-o patients t-i)e on e(ery shift made me feel that 6 -o ldn.t ha(e )ared if 6 ne(er sed those instr ments a"ain. 6t -as tedio s and made my ears sore. : r -or0 -as tas01orientated ntil it -as )han"ed to #ein" patient1 orientated some years later. That -as #etter for n rse and patient. 6t allo-ed s to #e)ome more in(ol(ed -ith those -e )ared for. :ne afternoon, my )o nterpart, P pil N rse Meroni)a Daniels, made the mista0e of " essin" a patient.s )ondition -itho t ta0in" her #lood press re. 6t -as =rs Tod, an ins lin dependent dia#eti), -ho appeared to #e sleepin" pea)ef lly, so Meroni)a de)ided that she -as all ri"ht@ no point in dist r#in" her. Meroni)a )harted an ass med #lood press re, in her i"noran)e not re)o"nisin" =rs Tod had #e)ome hypo"ly)aemi) (lo- #lood "l )ose) and had lapsed into a )oma. The patient in the ne2t #ed alerted Meroni)a. DN rse, =rs Tod.s #een li0e that sin)e after she had her ins lin and she didn.t eat her l n)h. She didn.t ans-er -hen -e tried to -a0e her.. Meroni)a tried to ro se =rs Tod and )o ldn.t. The sphy" and thermometer tray fell to the floor -ith a )rash as Meroni)a #ent o(er to rin" the )all1#ell three times@ the emer"en)y si"nal. She

fled li0e the -ind do-n the )orridor to-ards Sister.s room to report the in)ident. Thro "h Sister Trent.s C i)0 a)tion -ith intra(eno s "l )ose =rs Tod re)o(ered eno "h to sit p in #ed to en4oy her tea. Later, 6 fo nd Meroni)a in the foot1smellin", no smo0in", -ard staff1room. She -as C a0in" -ith relief as she p ffed at a )i"arette. DHo .d #etter p t that o t and C i)0,. 6 snapped. D6 hope yo .(e learned yo r lesson. =rs Tod )o ld ha(e died.. Meroni)a snapped #a)0. D!o- -as 6 to 0no- -hat -as -ron" -ith herG. DHo sho ld ha(e done -hat yo -ere s pposed to do@ ta0en her #lood press re and reported if it -as too hi"h or too lo-.. DShirley, if another sphy" is #an"ed into my hand 6.ll thro- it at the #loody -all. :r, if 6 ha(e to p t my hands in another pint of pee or pile of shit. No1one told me a#o t the rotten parts of n rsin".. DNo need to #e )oarse, either.. 6 snapped, # t 6 0ne- ho- she felt. D rin" those t-el(e -ee0s 6 m st ha(e meas red and tested "allons of rine, po nds of fae)es, pints and pints of (omit and eno "h sp t m to fill a # )0et. 6 had no pro#lem dealin" -ith that. 6 -as, ho-e(er, afraid of dealin" -ith death. 6 had #een in(ol(ed in the massa)re of people in 3den (noSo th Hemen) and the m tilation of people of tri#al -arfare in Ghana # t 6 had ne(er #een in(ol(ed in dealin" -ith the #odies. 6n the first month on /ard 8L$ 6 had deli#erately es)aped dealin" -ith t-o people -ho died on my shifts. 6 )o ldn.t es)ape it fore(er. 6 had to learn ho- to )arry o t last offi)es, disrespe)tf lly )alled >layin"1o t?. . Thro "h the -ise -ords of Sister Trent and #y the time 6 had )ompleted that e2perien)e 6.d learned to )arry o t the pro)ed re -ell. !o-e(er, 6 )o ldn.t #e)ome remo(ed from the sadness of the sit ation and it depressed me. 6 -ept -ith the relati(es. Sister Trent sensed my emotional diffi) lties. She approa)hed me one day -hen 6 -as dis)ardin" a sed #edpan. DN rse Phillips, a -ord -ith yo , please.. She -as rarely seen in the sl i)e so 6 tho "ht 6 -as in for )hastisement. 6 -as -ron".

DThin0 of ho- people died #efore yo and 6 and others li0e s )ame alon". Certainly not in the )omfort -e pro(ide. 3nd remem#er, too, that only nine per )ent of people die in a hospital #ed. That.s not many -hen yo thin0 of the n m#er that )omes thro "h o r doors. DPeople -ill die, that.s the most )ertain )ertainty in life # t -e aim for e(eryone to die in )omfort and -ith di"nity, -hi)h is ho- it sho ld #e. That.s -hy -e m st do o r 4o# -ell. The fa)t that 6 ha(e seen tears in yo r eyes more than on)e tells me yo ha(e the )ompassion -hi)h is needed. 7 t 6 don.t -ant to see them a"ain. 6f yo m st -eep, let there #e no -itnesses.. DNo, Sister. Than0 yo . /hen -ill 6 "et o(er this -ea0nessG. 6 -as as0in" myself rather than Sister Trent. D6t.s not a -ea0ness, N rse, # t if yo stop feelin" li0e that, it -ill #e time for yo to "i(e p n rsin".. She -as ri"ht, of )o rse. These days there seems to #e a la)0 of that )ompassion and sensiti(ity to the patients. physi)al needs. 6.(e hoped the ) rrent #ad press that the profession is failin" in its )are -as at least e2a""erated, if not -ron". 6t is not. 6 ha(e #een a (ol ntary -or0er at o r lo)al hospital for o(er ten years sin)e 6 retired and Dere0 has #een a patient a n m#er of times. 6 ha(e seen that the a)ademi)s in(ol(ed in modern n rse trainin" need to loo0 at -hat has #een done to a )arin" profession. D/e -ant first )lass n rses not third )lass do)tors,. -ere the -ords of my first t tor. 6 -as a p pil n rse for t-o years. D rin" those first t-el(e -ee0s of medi)al n rsin" e2perien)e 6 learned a "reat deal of the physi)al needs of the patients. 6 also learned that 6 had a lon" -ay to "o #efore 6 )o ld )all myself DN rse..

& Th'() G$d "$r M$rphi(e

7lo)0s of t-o -ee0s. of st dy follo-ed ea)h e2perien)e. 7lo)0 , at the s)hool of n rsin" )onsolidated -hat -e had learned on the medi)al nit and prepared s for o r ne2t e2perien)e on the s r"i)al nit. This )omprised fo r s r"i)al -ards on the third floor of the hospital. :n the first day of t ition -e had a -ritten e2amination -hi)h had to #e passed if -e -ere to )ontin e trainin". /e all passed. 6 approa)hed #ein" a team1mem#er of /ard +L$, Sister !a<el Goddard.s S r"i)al /ard, -ith apprehension. She didn.t seem to ha(e the "entle nat re of Sister Trent. She had the rep tation of #ein" a stony, old )o- -hi)h 6 dis)o(ered -as totally ndeser(ed. 7eneath a hard e2terior -as a 0ind, -arm heart and a dedi)ation to o r profession -hi)h 6 admired and aimed at a)hie(in" if 6 lasted the )o rse. 6 tried to 0eep an open mind -ith the small amo nt of medi)al n rsin" e2perien)e nder my petersham #elt. From the e2perien)e 6.d "ained from the hospitals 6.d -or0ed in a#road, 6 -as )onfident of ha(in" to )ope -ith the n rsin" of patients m tilated #y ha(in" had, le"s, arms and parts of stoma)h and " t remo(ed. !o-e(er, at the time, 6 -asn.t s re that 6 )o ld #e honest of )on(in)in" a yo n" man of nineteen that he -o ld li(e a normal life after an ileostomy. 6 didn.t thin0 he -o ld. 6 -as "lad it -as Sister Goddard.s or the s r"eon.s responsi#ility to e2plain. 6 ass med the yo n" man 0ne- that -hen his )olon -as remo(ed, he -o ld no lon"er defe)ate in the normal -ay. !e -ent to theatre e2pe)tin" to ret rn to the -ard -ith a stoma, a small hole on his a#domen, # t not ha(in" nderstood that a plasti) #a" -o ld #e atta)hed to it for deposits of his fae)es. !e e2pe)ted to )ontin e ha(in" #o-el motions into a la(atory pan, as normal. !e -as distra "ht and -anted to die. 6 felt he hadn.t #een f lly informed of the )onseC en)es of the s r"i)al pro)ed re. The spe)ialist stoma n rse.s role -asn.t in e2isten)e at that time.

Sister Goddard #ore the responsi#ility of the yo n" man.s la)0 of information and #y s0ilf l )o nsellin" )on(in)ed him that e(ery day is pre)io s. She aimed at #ein" a perfe)tionist. /hen patients -ere prepared for theatre, there -ere to #e no mista0es@ or -hen they ret rned to the -ard feelin" m )h -orse than #efore they -ent. She ens red pain -as )ontrolled. DThan0 God for morphine,. she on)e said -hen -e -ere alone. D/hen treated -ith respe)t it is a "ift from God. Remem#er that, N rse Phillips.. The s al reply,DHes, Sister.. 7 t 6 thin0 my e2pression e2plained a deep feelin". She is a fe- years older than 6 am. : r relationship -ent #eyond professional and -e are still "ood friends. :(er the years, 6 ha(e )alled pon her -isdom many times. D rin" my t-el(e -ee0s. e2perien)e on that -ard 6 learned there are -orse thin"s in this life than dyin". Li(in" -ith fear, pain, despair and loneliness are hard to #ear and -itness. Frederi)0 Flemmin" -as one man -ho pleaded -ith the s r"eon to ta0e off his le". !is pain -as se(ere and )ontin o s, e2)ept for a short time after he.d #een in4e)ted -ith stron" anal"esia. !e s ffered -ith throm#oan"iitis o#literens (7 er"er.s disease)@ an e(il affli)tion -hi)h too0 o(er his life. Three of his toes -ere "an"reno s and the malodoro s e2 date -as e(ident to the others in the fo r1#edded -ard. !is foot, an0le and part of his )alf -ere #la)0. No amo nt of s0ilf l -o nd mana"ement -o ld heal it. !e -as in his si2ties, had #een a miner, retired #e)a se of poor health. !e had a de"ree of heart fail re and -as dia#eti) so s r"ery had to #e serio sly )onsidered as feasi#le. Fred, ho-e(er, -as in no do #t. !e -anted to #e rid of his rotten le"@ he )o ld no lon"er li(e -ith it. =y #rother, Norman, at that time -as -or0in" for The National Coal 7oard. =y father had #een a miner for o(er forty years, so 6 had a spe)ial affe)tion for miners. 6 re)o"nised Fred Flemmin" had #een a miner #e)a se of the #l e s)ars do-n his #a)0 and a fe- on his forehead I the s)ars of a )oal1miner. 7 er"er.s disease is )onsidered to #e pre)ipitated #y to#a))o smo0in". 6n Fred.s day smo0in" -as )onsidered "ood for the ner(es. !e had smo0ed hea(ily # t, he said, not for his ner(es.

Those "oin" do-n the mine shaft -ere addi)ted to )i"arettes and one -asn.t a Dman. if he didn.t smo0e@ # t not do-n the mine itself, of )o rse. There they )he-ed Dt-ist., a thi)0, #la)0, sha" to#a))o and spat dar0 #ro-n sp t m freely. D6 -ish /ood#ines hadn.t passed my lips, N rse Phillips, # t they did and no- 6 )an.t sti)0 this pain any lon"er. 6t.s 0ill or ) re. Tho "h, 6 0no- ) ttin" it off isn.t ) rin" # t "ettin" rid of it is the only ans-er.. D6t.ll "et rid of the terri#le pain, =r Flemmin". 6t.ll "i(e yo a ne- lease of life,. 6 reass red -ith my fin"ers )rossed #ehind my #a)0. !e -as fri"htened and needed positi(e reinfor)ement. The day arri(ed for Fred to ha(e his le" amp tated. That mornin", after the ta0e1o(er report from the ni"ht sister, -e -ere allo)ated o r d ties. Sister Goddard left me ntil last, and for a reason. DN rse Phillips, yo are to ta0e the responsi#ility for =r Flemmin".s pre1op prep (preoperati(e preparation). !e seems to relate to yo .. DHes, Sister.. 6 "ot p to lea(e the offi)e. D3lso, N rse, 6 thin0 it -o ld #e "ood for =r Flemmin" if yo stayed -ith him thro "h his s r"ery and #ro "ht him #a)0 to the -ard after re)o(ery. /e ha(e only fo r for theatre this mornin" so yo )an #e spared. 6.ll )he)0 his do) ments #efore yo ta0e him do-n.. D:hJ ErF Hes, Sister.. 6 -as hesitant. 9p to that day 6.d #een no f rther than the theatre re)eption area. DDo yo ha(e a pro#lem -ith that, N rse PhillipsG. DNo, Sister,. 6 lied. DThan0 yo .. 6 -as as ner(o s of "oin" to the operatin" theatre as -as =r Flemmin". 6t meant 6 had to stand #eside him -hilst they too0 off his le". 3 -ard orderly and 6 -heeled him to theatre at ten o.)lo)0. The theatre sister had #een as0ed #y Sister Goddard to allo- me to remain thro "h =r Flemmin".s s r"ery so 6 -as "ar#ed appropriately to enter the sterile area. =y #la)0 d ty shoes -ere )o(ered -ith elasti)ated plasti) #a"1li0e pie)es, as -as my head and 6 -as "ar#ed in an all o(er "reen "o-n, at least three si<es too #i" for me. 6 -as impressed #y the meti) lo s preparation the staff made of themsel(es and the theatre. Lar"e sterile pa)0s of instr ments -ere opened and laid o t in strate"i) pla)es aro nd the theatre

ta#le. There -ere h ndreds of steel instr ments "leamin" and flashin" in the #rilliant #eams of an"le1poised li"hts that -ere manoe (red #y sterile hands to s it the s r"eon and his assistants #eside him at the operatin" ta#le. 6 -as told -here to stand@ C ite )lose to it. 6 hoped 6 -o ldn.t #e in the -ay. =r Flemmin" and 6 e2)han"ed smiles and he -a(ed a th m#s p si"n #efore he -as anaesthetised into o#li(ion. !e )o ldn.t ha(e seen my smile@ it -as #ehind a fa)e mas0. 3ltho "h 4 st a slit of eyes -as (isi#le #et-een the fa)e1 mas0s and sterile head-ear, the staff re)o"nised ea)h other. The atmosphere -as friendly and they made me feel at ease. E(ery pie)e of sterile )loth -as "reen, in)l din" the niforms. The le" to #e amp tated -as the only (isi#le part of =r Flemmin". 6 mana"ed to -at)h the first in)ision -ith interest. The s r"eon e2plained -hy he fashioned a lar"e flap of s0in to )o(er the le" st mp. The flap -as t rned #a)0 for the #one to #e sa-n thro "h. Splinters of #one fle- into the air and my " t )h rned. 6 s-allo-ed hard and remained standin" ntil the le" -as lifted off the ta#le and p t into a steel #o-l #ein" held #y a n rse )lose #y. The lar"e li"hts a#o(e the ta#le s-irled #efore fadin", -ent o t a#r ptly and e(erythin" -ent #la)0. Li0e =r Flemmin", 6 too -ent into o#li(ion. /hen nder the infl en)e of syn)ope 6 sasa-n off le"s floatin" aro nd and aro nd. Some had steel1)apped pit #oots on. 6 sa- the fa)e of /ill /alsh, a man 6 0ne- as a friend -hen 6 -as a little "irl. !e.d had his t-o le"s amp tated in a pit1fall. !e -as smilin". 6t -asn.t /ill /alsh.s fa)e. 6 a-o0e in the theatre staff1room -ith a n rse in "reen smilin" o(er me. 6 felt -ret)hed and so ashamed. 6 tried to apolo"ise. D6t.s all ri"ht, N rse. Ho .re not the first to drop in theatre. T-o of s dra""ed yo a-ay. 6 hope yo .re not h rt. That floor is hard.. 6 -as h rt # t didn.t admit it. Neither did 6 tell =r Flemmin" a#o t my faintin" episode. /e -ere #a)0 on o r -ard #y half1past t-el(e. 6f Sister Goddard had #een told she "a(e no hint that she had. D6 hope yo learned somethin", N rse Phillips. 6 -ill lea(e his post1operati(e )are to yo no-. Close o#ser(ations and -at)h that st mp (ery )aref lly # t dis)retely. The sli"htest drop of #lood on

that dressin" yo report immediately to me. 3nd, of )o rse, yo .ll let me 0no- -hen somethin" is needed for his pain.. Fred Flemmin".s re)o(ery -ent -ell. D6 )an.t #elie(e it, N rse. The pain.s "one.. !e loo0ed to the #ottom of the #ed -here a frame 0ept the -ei"ht of the #ed1)lothes off his le"s. D6 e2pe)t it.s "one no-. =y le" -asn.t ) red, it -as ) t off and 6.m (ery "ratef l. 6 0no- 6.m l )0y. =any miners ha(e lost lim#s in pit a))idents. !a(in" a le" off as 6 ha(e, in God.s fresh air in a fine hospital is different to ha(in" a le" snat)hed off in a deep, #la)0 rat1hole of a mine.. 6 m st ha(e loo0ed in a-e. D/hat is it, N rse G Ho loo0 s rprised.. D6t.s #e)a se 6.(e heard those -ords #efore, =r Flemmin". From /ill /alsh, a dear old friend, -ho lost #oth his le"s in a pit1 fall. !e -as part of my "ro-in" p. 6 learned a lot a#o t life from him. !e.s dead no- # t his -ife is still ali(e and in a n rsin" home. 6t -as in early days of )oal1minin" in /ales, -hen the pit1 o-ners tho "ht little a#o t safety as lon" as the )oal rea)hed the s rfa)e.. DHes, N rse,. =r Flemmin" nodded. DThe miner.s lot -asn.t a "ood one.. 3fter ten days Fred Flemmin" -as dis)har"ed home into the )are of his -ife and )omm nity n rses. 6t -as arran"ed for a physiotherapist to )all at his home to help him )ope -ith one le" and prepare him for a prosthesis. The So)ial Ser(i)es pro(ided a ne- -heel)hair for as lon" as ne)essary so he )o ld "et from 3 to 7 independently. !e -as determined, tho "h, to "et sed to a false lim#. The day =r Flemmin" -as dis)har"ed, )oin)identally, -as the last day of my s r"i)al e2perien)e on Sister Goddard.s -ard. 6t felt li0e a )ele#ratory e(ent. DGood l )0 -ith yo r ne- le", =r Flemmin",. 6 said as he -as -heeled off the -ard. DGood l )0 -ith yo r n rsin" life, N rse Phillips. 3s s re as God "a(e me t-o le"s, yo .ll #e a n rsin" sister one day.. Not for a se)ond did 6 thin0 his predi)tion -o ld pro(e )orre)t e(en tho "h 6 )ompleted my s r"i)al e2perien)e -itho t ma4or mishaps. There -ere a fe- minor ones, s )h as thro-in" rine and fae)es into the sl i)e1master -hen they sho ld ha(e #een meas red and )olle)ted for testin".

:ne ma4or mista0e on my first day on the s r"i)al -ard -as that 6 "a(e a patient a do "hn t and s-eet, stron" ) ps of tea an ho r #efore he -as d e to "o to theatre. !e -as already prepared for s r"ery and had #een Dnil1#y1mo th. from ten o.)lo)0 the ni"ht #efore. 6 sho ld ha(e remem#ered that 6 -as on a s r"i)al -ard, not a medi)al one. DN rse, 6.m #loomin" star(in",. he had said. So intent -as 6 on "i(in" o t mornin" drin0s and sna)0s 6 didn.t noti)e his -hite theatre "o-n or that his dent res -ere in a pot #eside his #ed. 6 -as l )0y Sister Goddard sensed my em#arrassment and nderstandin" of the dan"er of my error. !is operation had to #e delays. 6 -asn.t pop lar. :n the e(enin" 6 "ot home after my last day there and )arin" for Fred Flemmin", 6 sat #efore the tele(ision # t )o ldn.t follothe pro"ramme. =y tho "hts -ere of my yo n" days and friendship -ith /ill /alsh and his -ife =a""ie. They li(ed in 3(ondale Street, a#o t a C arter of a mile from -here 6 li(ed in Male Mie- Terra)e. 6t -as a minin" (alley, ntil the pit )los res. They had #een married fo r years and had a son -ho -as 4 st a toddler -hen /ill.s li(elihood -as lost. !is le"s -ere )r shed in a pit1fall tra"edy. !e -as ne(er employed a"ain. The front room of their small terra)ed ho se #e)ame their #edroom1) m sittin" room ) m1re)eption room ntil the -all -hi)h had di(ided the front room from the 0it)hen -as 0no)0ed do-n #y 0indly nei"h#o rs. 3 #i""er room -as )reated. =a""ie and /ill.s #ed -as at the front of the ho se. 6t -as -here =a""ie helped /ill to dress ea)h mornin", to "et into his -heel)hair, tend to the -o nds of his le"s then lo(in"ly )arry o t other n rsin" d ties ntil ni"ht time -hen the pro)ed re -as re(ersed. Their son, 6dris, had a #edroom of his o-n, as -as normal, and -hi)h remained his. =a""ie )leaned it e(ery -ee0 e(en -hen he -asn.t there d rin" his ni(ersity years and after he married. /ill and his family e2isted on a mea"re )ompensation allo-ed #y the mine o-ners, a monthly ton of )oal as lon" as he li(ed and the ta)tf l help of family, friends and nei"h#o rs. !e -as a pro d man and all that -as "i(en had to #e done in -ays to a(oid him feelin" inde#ted to anyone. /hen the Co1op #a0er made his ro nds of the (alley streets he s ally had a )o ple of yesterday.s loa(es that he -anted to #e

rid of. The fishmon"er, a fe- pie)es of fish that no1one else -anted and a fe- )arrots and potatoes -o ld fall off the #a)0 of the "reen "ro)er.s )art into =a""ie.s #as0et. !er friends and nei"h#o rs -o ld as0 her to ta0e )hildren.s )lothes off their hands -hen their o-n #oys had had "ro-n o t of them. DHo .ll #e doin" me a fa(o r, =a""ie. They.re only )l tterin" p the pla)e and they.re too "ood to "i(e to the ra" man.. =r 7ro-n the 7la)0, the only #la)0 person in the area, as far as 6 0ne-, lod"ed -ith a -ido- in 3(ondale Street. 3s -ell as #ein" a miner, he rented an allotment at the #a)0 of the street. !e also 0ept pi"s in his self1# ilt sties and -ith "reen fin"ers mana"ed to "ro- an a# ndan)e of (e"eta#les in the ro "h earth. 3 )o ple of times a -ee0 he deposited a (ariety of (e"eta#les in season, -rapped in ne-spaper, on the /alsh.s #a)0 yard. !e -o ld 0no)0 on the s) llery door. D/on.t )ome in, =a""ie. Ta0e these off me, if yo -o ldn.t mind. Too "ood to feed the pi"s.. !e -o ld ha(e "one #efore =a""ie had the )han)e to e2press her "ratit de. 3 shre-d -oman -as =a""ie. She re)o"nised the 0indnesses and -as a#le to ret rn them #y her talents. She -as )le(er at repairin" torn )lothes, ma0in" fro)0s -ider or shorter, dealin" -ith # rns and s)alds and other a))idents in the homes. She "a(e ad(i)e and help -hen there -as illness in the families and she 0ne- ho- to deal -ith dyin" and death. =a""ie #e)ame the -oman in the lon", lon" 3(ondale Street -ho did the >layin" o t? and >p ttin" tidy? #efore the nderta0er arri(ed. She helped -ith -omen in la#o r and 0ne- -hen to )all the mid-ife -hen thin"s -eren.t "oin" -ell. =a""ie ta "ht me a lot a#o t )arin" for the si)0 and elderly. 6 aimed my si"hts on her a#ilities. 3t the ris0 of #ein" immodest, 6 thin0 6 )an tell myself that 6 didn.t "o far -ron" in that area. 3lso, #y -ay of a than0 yo , /ill and =a""ie "a(e a-ay # )0ets of their monthly )oal deli(ery. They sed it sparin"ly themsel(es so they had somethin" to "i(e in ret rn for the many 0indnesses. =a""ie -as -ell1pra)tised at #ein" fr "al. The /alsh family -ere poor # t their e2isten)e -as ri)h in lo(e and friendship. Thro "h the 0indness of those aro nd them they ne(er -ent )old or h n"ry.

3fter /ill.s hospital )are, -hi)h in)l ded t-o le" operations to >tidy p? or >fashion? the amp tation that had ta0en pla)e do-n the mine, there -ere no follo-1 p appointments at the hospital or do)tor.s s r"ery, no )omm nity n rse )allin" to )he)0 /ill.s -o nds and "eneral health, no so)ial -or0er to help, no -heel)hair, e2)ept -hat the Sal(ation 3rmy pro(ided. 6t -as a hard -ooden seat -ith an pri"ht #a)0. 6t -as a )hair on -heels # t /ill made the #est of it ntil it fell apart. !is friends and nei"h#o rs sal(a"ed the -heels and made him another one o t of pie)es of -ood. /ill -as #road and stron" and -ith =a""ie.s help, -as a#le to "et off his )hair and s-in" himself onto the la(atory@ a plan0 of -ood o(er a hole -hi)h led to the main drains. The la(atory -as a small, ro "h #ri)0 str )t re ne2t to the )oal1)-t)h in the #a)0 yard. !is stron" arms and torso s ally "ot him from any 3 to any 7 # t sometime he had to hop on his # tto)0s. 3 "lass mil0 #ottle -as his rinal, a # tto)01si<e enamel #o-l -hi)h )o ld #e slid nder him for #o-els -hi)h, ine(ita#ly, -ere a))identally sometimes spilt. 3))idents of elimination -ere dealt -ith #y =a""ie # t shamed /ill ntil he "ot sed to it. 6t -as #efore the days of peni)illin and in the early days his le" st mps #e)ame infe)ted #e)a se he insisted on )ra-lin" to the la(atory a)ross the #a)0 yard. 6t -as =a""ie -ho s-a##ed a-ay the p s -ith her o-n salt sol tions and dressin"s impro(ised from -orn o t #ed1sheets. There -ere some #ad times. The s0in of the le"1st mps e(ent ally #e)ame to "h #e)a se /ill -as to "h and 0ept himself healthy #y freC ent press1 ps and daily e2er)isin" the part of #ody left to him. The /alsh.s played a #i" part in my "ro-in" p. 6 thin0 6 m st ha(e #een their most freC ent (isitor. 6 sed to stay -ith /ill -hen =a""ie too0 a # s to the to-n to do some >proper? shoppin" and )han"e /ill.s #oo0s at the /or0men.s !all li#rary. 6t -as her -ee0ly o tin" -hen she p t on her #est )oat, po-dered and lipsti)0ed herself and )oiled her lo(ely hair into #o ffant style. She loo0ed #ea tif l and /ill en4oyed seein" her "o o t, tho "h she didn.t e(er lea(e him on his o-n. There -as al-ays dan"er of him fallin" o t of his )hair and # mpin" his head -hen he rea)hed o t for somethin" #eyond his arm span. This had often happened.

/ill -as an a(id reader and passed on those #oo0s he tho "ht s ita#le to me. /e had no #oo0s at home. 6 had my fa(o rites -hi)h 6 -as allo-ed to 0eep to read a se)ond and third time. 6 en4oyed readin" the life of Floren)e Ni"htin"ale, The Lady /ith The Lamp. 6 -as determined to #e)ome a n rse@ a pro#ationary n rse, not a lady n rse as they -ere in that "reat lady.s time. 6 didn.t )onsider myself "ood eno "h. DNo yo -on.t, my lo(ely. Ho .ll #e a re"istered n rse,. /ill had said. D3l-ays aim for the moon@ yo .ll "et there.. /ill -as my first e(er patient. 6 -as a#o t ten -hen =a""ie -ent o t and tr sted /ill.s )are to me. 6 -as pro d to ha(e #een "i(en the tas0 of soa0in" /ill.s le" st mps in a #o-l of tepid -ater, hea(ily salted. Salt -as #o "ht in #i" #lo)0s then, )hopped into small #lo)0s and stored in lar"e 4ars. =a""ie -o ld lea(e l mps of salt in a #o-l spe)ially 0ept for the #athin" of /ill.s le"s I -hat -as left of them I and 0ettles of #oiled -ater )oolin" on the ho# of the fire1"rate. Pie)es of -orn1o t to-els -ere s-a#s for the do )hin". 3 -ooden step atta)hed to /ill.s -heel)hair allo-ed him to manoe (re himself onto his #a)0 on the )leaned floor and rest his st mps on the ed"e of the #o-l, ma0in" the s-a##in" easily a))omplished. !e fo nd the do )hin" soothin" and si"hed -ith )omfort. DHo .(e "ot the ri"ht to )h, Carriad. Ho .ll ma0e an an"el of a n rse.. /ill.s )ompliment is stamped in my memory. 3ltho "h not addressed as Carriad, /elsh for Darlin", 6 ha(e #een told many times sin)e a#o t my spe)ial to )h -hen treatin" patients. press re areas. The )ompliment al-ays pleased me #e)a se 6 didn.t )onsider that 6 -o ld e(er a)hie(e -hat /ill predi)ted. /hen the s-a##in" -as o(er, his le"s dried and the #o-l emptied and p t a-ay, there )ame the p ttin" on of his artifi)ial le"s. !e -as "lad that they didn.t arri(e for o(er a year after he.d #een meas red for them. !e hated them. =ade of metal, -ood and leather, they -ere hea(y and "ly. There -as a hin"ed 4oint at ea)h 0nee -hi)h # )0led dan"ero sly ntil /ill immo#ilised them -ith stron" strin". The >le"s? -ere fitted o(er the le"1st mps and atta)hed #y leather straps to a thi)0 leather #elt a#o t the -aist. Their only se, on s fferan)e, -as to

transfer /ill to se the o tside la(atory on)e a day, rather than se his pot inside. /e had a la "h. /ill reminded s of the Fran0enstein monster, a )hara)ter in a film -hi)h -as sho-n in the )inema in the /or0men.s !all. !e strode stiffly a)ross the room to the door of the s) llery, o tside of -hi)h -as >ti #a)h? (the little ho se). /hen he "ot #a)0 to his -heel)hair he -as e2ha sted. !is life -itho t le"s -as f lfilled #y his de(oted =a""ie, his son, friends and nei"h#o rs. 6 didn.t )onsider -hat 6 did for /ill as N rsin" # t 4 st >doin"? for him, e(en -hen 6 spent ho rs applyin" )old s-a#s to his fa)e and head -hen he had a fe(er. 3 ma"i) n rsin" pro)ed re, part of -hat -as 0no-n in the profession as >tepid spon"in"?. 6 se the past tense. From -hat 6 ha(e seen and learned from the media, 6 do #t that tepid spon"in" is in the N rsin" Pro)ed re =an al any more. /ill -as prone to )hest infe)tions -hi)h =a""ie, fort nately, -as a#le to dia"nose. The first time she entr sted me -ith 0eepin" his temperat re do-n -as -hen she popped p to the street shop to "et /ill a ne-spaper and a pa)0et of /ood#ines. Smo0in" -as )onsidered a health ploy then. That -as d rin" the -ar years -hen )i"arettes -ere )onsidered almost a l 2 ry #e)a se of their s)ar)ity. Ga#riel Co2, the shop o-ner, al-ays 0ept a fe- nder the )o nter for his fa(o rite ) stomers. Not only -as /ill /alsh one of them # t he had an eye for lo(ely =a""ie. She ne(er -ent home -itho t a fee2tras, not ha(in" had to se her ration #oo0. /ill had many friends. !e -as -ise and interestin". !e did somethin" that no1one else did; he ta "ht men and -omen in the street to read. First, he ta "ht =a""ie, -ho )o ldn.t read and -rite -hen they had married. /ill ta "ht my #rother, Norman, to play )hess. 6n spite of an a"e differen)e they -ere )lose friends. 6t is thro "h Norman.s s ))ess -ith the National Coal 7oard that the -hole story of the tra"i) pit1fall -hi)h too0 /ill.s le"s #e)ame 0no-n to s. /ill often told Norman that one day the mines -o ld )lose. Norman al-ays disa"reed. DNo, /ill. The -orld -ill al-ays need )oal e(en tho "h se of "as is on the p..

:f )o rse, /ill.s predi)tion -as ri"ht, tho "h not for many years after. 6n spite of o r father.s disappointment of Norman "oin" do-n the pit, he #e"an his )areer in the same )olliery. : r father had )la-ed his -ay p to #e)ome an o(erman, -hi)h -as the first line of mana"ement. 3fter o(er forty years, it -as ine(ita#le to ha(e #e)ome a (i)tim of miner.s l n". !e didn.t -ant that for Norman. 7 t nli0e o r father, Norman had had a "rammar s)hool ed )ation and -as am#itio s. !e started do-n the pit strai"ht from s)hool at si2teen. !e -as a meas rin" #oy and #e"an on a one day a -ee0 ed )ational )o rse shortly after startin" do-n the pit. 3 meas rin" #oy meas red the seams of )oal -hi)h had #een he-ed. 6t m st ha(e had somethin" to do -ith my father.s "ood name in the )olliery that Norman -as sele)ted for f rther ed )ation. Norman -or0ed and st died and e(ent ally #e)ame a Prod )tion =ana"er of the So th /ales )oal fields. 3t one time, some forty years a"o, he -as sponsored #y the National Coal 7oard to attend ni(ersity to st dy minin" en"ineerin". :ne assi"nment he had to nderta0e -as to )arry o t a st dy of safety meas res do-n the mines, to in)l de inter(ie-s of miners -ho had #een in(ol(ed in pit1falls. 3pparently, there -ere freC ent small pit1falls -hi)h -ere of no )onseC en)e # t ser(ed as a -arnin" of an impendin" #i" one. /ill /alsh -as an ideal s #4e)t. !e -as an ardent ad(o)ate of ma0in" )oal1minin" safer and healthier. !e -as "lad to spea0 o t. The fall he -as in(ol(ed in -as not as #i" as some -e.(e heard a#o t in -hi)h many miners ha(e #een trapped and 0illed # t #i" eno "h to )a se a "reat deal of fear. 3 lar"e area of the mine -as )losed after the fall -hi)h trapped /ill.s le"s. Norman as0ed me to help him at a time -hen 6 -as a staff n rse st dyin" for the n rsin" diploma. That -as the hi"hest C alifi)ation attaina#le #y n rses then@ #efore Pro4e)t ,''' introd )ed ni(ersity de"rees. Norman and 6 tal0ed to men -ho -ere in(ol(ed in the pit1fall -hi)h too0 /ill.s le"s. T-o of the men had sin)e died # t those -ho -ere -ith s tal0ed freely, espe)ially /ill /alsh. !e -as -ell into his se(enties then # t his mind -as still as sharp as the ) t1throat ra<or he sha(ed -ith.

6t too0 a n m#er of -ee0s to "ather the information and prepare it for Norman.s presentation. !is pro4e)t in)l ded statisti)s and the te)hni)al parts of the e(ent. =y part -as more strai"htfor-ard and, 6 thin0, had a more sensiti(e approa)h to the a-f l tra"i) e(ent. =emory of /ill /alsh is imprinted on my mind.